• You disappear into the bathroom for extended periods of time and emerge with a guilty look on your face.
• You change what you’re wearing on a daily basis, probably to conceal your identity. Why cover anything up at all? What are you hiding?
• You mask your scent by bathing and applying fragrances.
• You lock doors, boxes, seal envelopes, and hide things in your pockets. Why so secretive?
• When you sleep, you cover yourself with a blanket.

Just chilling in Kuwait. Sup with you?

Camp Virgina, March 12th, 2003. 0115 hrs.

Our camp was in the desert, a few miles away from the Iraqi border. We slept in a tent that occupied 100 soldiers. Each soldier’s personal space and sleeping area consisted of how far they could reach while laying on their cot. It was hot, cramped and when the lights were off; dark as fuck. I always slept with my weapon by my side and a flashlight in hand. On this particular night when I most needed it; my flashlight was nowhere to be found. I woke up with the most painful urge to pee in my entire life. Having been forced to drink over a gallon of water to keep from dehydrating, my bladder was ready to explode. I snapped my eyes open and strained to see in the dark. I could faintly see outlines. My night vision was horrible. I fumbled around my personal space for my flashlight. A wave of panic struck me. I couldn’t find it. I needed it to see so I could get the fuck outside. Maybe if my cot was located near one of the flaps leading out, I would be ok, but no. I was positioned in the far corner with 99 soldiers and their crap blocking my escape to freedom and relief. Every second that passed, a sharp pain would run across my abdomen. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” I stood up and felt around. I bumped into cots, duffel bags, a camel spider (probably), and anything else that fate found funny to use as an obstacle. I was wearing physical training clothes which consisted of a baggy gray t-shirt and some gay looking black shorts. My eyes started to adjust and I could faintly see light peering through the exit to my far right. That’s when it happened.

Sweet Agonizing Victory and Failure

The warm sensation that produced both salvation and sheer terror ran down my leg at 90 mph. It felt horrifically good. At this point, I wanted nothing more than to jump mercilessly on top of a grenade before anybody could realize that I just peed myself. I froze and waited. Nothing. No lights clicked on. No sounds of uncontrollable laughter. Nothing – just me standing in a pool of shame. I didn’t bother to clean up the mess. My liquid dignity seeped through the wooden floor and disappeared into the Kuwaiti sand. I continued outside and ran past some guards on watch to the nearest port-a-john. I threw my pee soaked underwear into the gaping void that was sure to destroy any evidence by getting lost in contents nobody would dare search through. Shit. War Shit. Hardcore motherfucking, unleash the Kraken type shit. Fuck Mount Orodruin, Frodo should have just tossed the ring in that bitch.

I walked back to my tent free of shame and with a sense of relief. An hour later, the sirens went off and the lights cut on. Saddam had launched scud missiles into Kuwait and we were forced to don our NBC suits and run into bunkers. Nobody noticed the pee stained floor nor complained about the smell since we all had gas masks on. Thank you Saddam.. By trying to kill me, you saved me from embarrassment.

Side Note: That night we caught a male and female officer having sex in one the bunkers. Pretty sweet.

Update: According to people that are actually good at video games, Sonic 4 can be beaten in an hour or less. I don’t have any thumbs and am cocked eyed so you can understand my frustration while playing this game.

Lets take all the fun out of the game and show the fans how much we really hate them.

Team Sonic cleverly drafted a marketing campaign that took everything you loved about the original Sonic games and repeatedly had it thrust in your face. Meanwhile in their consortium of evil, they unleashed their horrific plans. Gathering everything that ever frustrated gamers and caused them to weep uncontrollably from anger and frustration to the point of throwing their controllers at their televisions, they blended it together and smeared it on Sonic 4. Collision detection issues, enemies that pop out of freaking no where while you’re running so you lose all of your coins, making it almost impossible to jump into the Special Zone ring at the end of levels after collecting 50 rings, etc… The dark sorcerer that leads Team Sonic must have popped about 10 boners at the thought of making this game in all its horribleness. After making the game the team punched a pregnant woman then kicked a puppy into a lake of fire or so I would believe because its in alignment with how cruel they are.

Gamers love hi res graphics. Lets get rid of that.

I’d like to believe this game was a mistake. The real Sonic 4 is somewhere out there lost and all alone in the woods or something and is probably crying. This Sonic 4 is its evil twin that was created by having a giant douche bag consume all of the hatred for mankind then squatting down to let it slither from its nether region onto your gaming console. The graphics are sub par. Actually, they suck. If you think otherwise then you must think the Sonic 3d Blast intro is from the motherfucking future. They could have done a better job. Team Sonic knows it, I’m sure. Maybe they were trying to rush the product or they just don’t really give a shit and have better things to do then worry about the quality of their games.

Doctor Motherfucking Robotnik

The first opinion I had of his difficulty level was “this is like taking candy from a baby, except not as enjoyable”. As the game went on his difficulty launched itself on to a platform where the only shimmer of success faintly glowed in an abyss of madness. You have a better chance of kneeing yourself in the chest then defeating him on the first try. I know its not rocket science and the auto target feature helps but when the Boss is right about your reach like in the Maze final stage then it gets kind of annoying. Yo have to wait for pillars to slide out of the walls so you can jump and attack him. I’d have to say Robotnik is actually the worst boss in a game. If you think you’ve played against shittier bosses then let me know.

Not really worth the purchase.

To sum this review up. Sonic 4 is like playing with a wet turd and seeing how long you can keep it in your hands while it slips from your grasp. From a distance, people think you are having fun with something awesome, but upon closer inspection, they realize its Sonic 4 and its a turd. Buy it and experience its lameness for yourself or find a friend who already wasted their money on it and get their opinion.

You don’t have to purchase this game to experience it; just go into a public restroom at a cheap Mexican restaurant and look in the last stall with the sign “Out of Order”. You’ll find the contents that make up this game smeared on the walls and floating around in the toilet.

What do you think about Sonic 4? Leave your comments below.

The Burger King Steakhouse XT

The image they market is a burger that is to your mouth what a vagina is to a mans crotch. Delicious. It portrays its ingredients as being layered by servants that prepare meals for the Gods of Olympus.

The best part of a Steakhouse XT is the moment before you order it. Lets take a larger step back. The best part is the moment when you first realized it existed. The first time you feasted your eyes on this mouth pleaser, it could do no wrong. You imagine God giving a thumbs up to the creator for his excellence in crafting a masterpiece. Sadly, this feeling doesn’t merely fade upon purchase, it goes careening through the depths of your soul and launches itself into the sun. Receiving the Steakhouse XT is equivalent to coming home and finding your best friend pounding your wife’s love hole while simultaneously petting your dog and playing video games with your kids. Different scenario; imagine coming home with your pre-ordered copy of the latest video game (Halo Reach, Call of Duty Black Ops, etc…) only to find either a red ring of death or your game console won’t turn on. Basically, its the worst thing you can imagine. This is what Burger King does. They blanket you with warm hopes and delicious dreams of savory goodness only to deliver a swift kick to your mangina and an elbow smash to your cock gobbler.

If I had to choose between eating a Burger King Steakhouse XT and having to die in a fire. I would hesitate to answer. If this is your first time hearing about a Steakhouse XT then consider yourself blessed. For those who weren’t so lucky, I too feel your pain. Feel free to Contact Us, as we are starting a counseling group to help those who’s mouths have been violated by Burger King’s meat.

Terror is Born

Barn Owls are created in a laboratory owned by serial killers/ mad scientists/ Death incarnate/ Richard Simmons and the Jonas Brothers. They are engineered by first harnessing the power of evil in its purest form and then slapping a face on it. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity was concocted by blending together a mixture of your worst fears and hellish nightmares. Instead of a soul, the Barn Owl is fueled by every traumatic experience in your life. Your sadness is what keeps it alive. If you look past the Silence of the Lambs resemblance in the baby Barn Owls face, you’ll notice it has a Sesame Street’s Big Bird resemblance. It’s actually kind of cute in a “Dear God, please don’t let it come any closer!”, kind of way. Baby Barn Owls can typically be found hiding under your bed or in your closet when you suspect an evil presence dwelling in those locations. They mostly like to reside in the moment between when you shit your pants from fear and the realization that you just shit your pants from fear. These incarnations of evil are considered as the foundation for every horror film ever seen. The baby Barn Owl is what Jason, from Friday the 13, really looks like under the mask.

Adolescent Barn Owls are Tolerable to look at.

Like ugly ducklings that blossom into beautiful swans the Barn Owl sheds its gruesome murderous appearance for a kindlier more gentle one. This is just a mask that hides an ungodly being that fills its day by being disgusting with your every waking moment.

Listen to their cute shrills and watch their adorable eating habits.

If you find anything on this site offensive and deem it untrue about the above mentioned owls then feel free to contact us so we may address your issues and concerns. We also don’t mind if you submit a complaint about us. We love and respect owls as well its closest relative, Scott Pilgrim.

The 2010 release of George A. Romero’s “The Crazies” is a remake of the 1973 version. It was directed by Breck Eisner and stars Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, and Danielle Panabaker. The story is about zombies people that mysteriously become infected with crazy. George A. Romero dumps a bucket of crazy on a small town in Iowa because nobody cares about Iowa and the rest of the country wouldn’t be able to notice that people in Iowa aren’t just acting normal.

Timothy Olyphant Holds It In

Bloody Pitchforks

The movie, like pretty much every zombie movie that makes sense, ends with an explosion and re-contamination of an even bigger city.

Spoiler

Timothy Olyphant poops himself a little at the end.

As impressive as this owl sculpture is, to truly capture the essence of the owl, you’d have to construct a 90 ton solid gold behemoth laced with diamonds and chipmunk bones.

View other D-Con Packaging Art by Jason Clay Lewis.

Dedicated to Maggie, a connoisseur and aficionado of Bad Ass Owls.

Awkward Moments

Living in a two bedroom apartment with his roommate, the recently divorced Great Horned Owl, the Eagle Owl spends much of his day playing World of Warcraft. His dad owns a percentage of Adult Friend Finder, the online dating site of reputable nature, and sends the Eagle Owl an allowance which he thinks is paying for online courses. Anyways, the heading is titled “awkward moments” and the following story will explain why.

Clash of the Titans

In the 1981 movie Clash of the Titans, the goddess Athena’s pet owl, and its mechanical counterpart, is called Bubo, the name being inspired by the Latin name of the Eurasian Eagle-owl.

Bubo Facts

• His exoskeleton is created out of Titanium Steel Alloy and a concentrated mixture of children’s tears combined with fortified hatred for all living things.
• His battery life puts the iPhone to shame.
• His hardware is backwards compatible and you can play original Xbox titles without downloading some bullshit patch.
• If you ever see a “Red Ring of Death”, you probably aren’t alive to read this.
• Can consume 800 times its own body weight which is 2 metric tons.
• Eats fire and emits Febreeze with a lemon scent.
• Can but refuses to fly. Instead it drives an Audi R8 Spyder 5.2.
• Voted for gay marriage because it digs lesbians.
• Its favorite color is fear.
• Is deathly afraid of how awesome it is, not only in bed but in general.

If you find anything on this site offensive and deem it untrue about the above mentioned owls then feel free to contact us so we may address your issues and concerns. We also don’t mind if you submit a complaint about us. We love and respect owls as well its closest relative, Sylvester Stallone.

Gambling Habits

Down on his luck at the Texas Hold’em Poker table at the Bellagio in Las Vegas, this horned owl begged the dealer to let him barter his wife and two kids for $300 in chips. Minutes later he was arrested for an attempt at human trafficking. Another charge was later added when he offered a Las Vegas police officer fellatio in the back of the cruiser to let him go. He then re-offered his wife and kids. Hours after being released on bond he was arrested for indecent exposure and public intoxication outside the Bellagio. He was caught urinating on one of the valets after he was refused inside the hotel. The horned owl was later extradited back to Montana, its native state, after being caught performing numerous sexual acts on fellow inmates in exchange for oatmeal pies which he was using to bet in a game of Spades.

Dietary Information

This great horned owl’s diet consist mostly of Acai berries it ordered online after being scammed on the internet to purchase them. When its not eating Acai berries, this owl can be found stealing left overs off of he’s neighbors grill or using his son’s free lunch meal ticket at his middle school.

Reproduction

Contrary to his derogatory behavior in prison, this owl’s performance in the bedroom was considered less than satisfactory from his wife. “I wouldn’t even really consider it sex. Its more like he would convulse on top of me as if having a heart attack after 2 minutes of what I would guess you’d call penetration”, said the extremely dissatisfied, horned owl wife. She later went on to claim that the children weren’t really his and that they belonged to the neighbor next door.

Hobbies

This Great Horned Owl spends 10 hours out of the day playing Rock Band on his son’s Xbox 360. You’d think he’d be really good playing it that much but he actually sucks. Then again you have to remind yourself that he’s a fucking owl and doesn’t have any hands.

If you find anything on this site offensive and deem it untrue about the above mentioned owls then feel free to contact us so we may address your issues and concerns. We also don’t mind if you submit a complaint about us. We love and respect owls as well its closest relative, Nicolas Cage.