Bad Dating Messages

Yesterday was the first day I posted a new message in a while.

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 18:31:00 +0000

Which makes The Onion's article all the more timely.

Woman Feels Like She’s Finally Ready To Start Receiving Unsolicited Vulgar Messages Again NEWS IN BRIEF January 11, 2016

Vol 52 Issue 01 Dating · Women · Lifestyle

SAN DIEGO—Explaining that she had needed a few months to herself to “get back to the right emotional place,” local woman Laura Berman told reporters Monday she finally felt ready to start receiving completely unsolicited and extremely vulgar messages again. “It was really important to have some time to regroup, but now I think I’m ready to put myself out there again,” said Berman, who stated that, after careful consideration, she has decided to open herself back up to a relentless barrage of sexually explicit and unwelcome emails and texts from strangers. “Call me old-fashioned, but I’m glad I waited until I was mentally prepared to start [opening crude and offensive messages from men who I’ve only spoken to briefly, if at all, that make me feel incredibly uncomfortable, and then after I’ve politely asked them to stop, being bombarded with obscene insults and sometimes violent threats that make me terrified to even look at my phone]. I think it’s time.” At press time, Berman reportedly expressed surprise at how easy it was to get back in the swing of things after opening three consecutive messages containing photos of various unknown men’s genitals.

http://www.theonion.com/article/woman-feels-shes-finally-ready-start-receiving-uns-52143

Thanks, The Onion, for writing an article so true I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.

Glad you needed a month for that response.

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 23:56:00 +0000

I like your page. You definitely put it all out there lol. It's refreshing. I'm Bob* btw.

Sent from the OkCupid app Dec 8, 2015

Bye Felicia

Sent from the OkCupid app Jan 4

*Not his real name

Then give me something to talk about..

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Tue, 12 May 2015 17:40:00 +0000

Do u have facebook

Sent from the OkCupid app Apr 11

You dont talk much lol

Sent from the OkCupid app Apr 12

O well

Sent from the OkCupid app Apr 12

Fuck

Sent from the OkCupid app Apr 14

That's a weird first message..

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Tue, 12 May 2015 17:35:00 +0000

Not interested?

Uh.. thanks?

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Tue, 12 May 2015 17:28:00 +0000

Holy fuck. You're hot....

Thanks, Ted Mosby.

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Mon, 16 Mar 2015 08:32:00 +0000

Hey, I'd move to Brooklyn just to secretly stalk you and watch your every move. Haha just kidding, no worries. But if you really want to give me your address, it's cool lol no just playing with you haha. You can give it to me if you really want though ROFL nah just jokes haha. Please give me your address, I think I love you.

A dating site is not a friend site. FYI.

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Mon, 16 Mar 2015 08:29:00 +0000

Lol love your profile. So if you read my profile you say I am loser but I have a lot more to offer then you may read. I love to out door in the park or by a body of water enjoy spend time with good friends I am in law enforcement so I can be push at time I am just looking for friends

Even if you're joking? Probably not something you want to joke about in the first message..

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Mon, 16 Mar 2015 08:27:00 +0000

You are very beautiful. I dont like the gym but the difference between me and you is i actually need to go to the gym. I have no idea what the difference between "than" and "then" is lol I dont read at all anymore but i read a lot in prison. I enjoyed reading Nelson Demille books especially The Gold Coast. What movies and shows were you in?

Someone needs to put down the Thesaurus and pick up How To Not Be Creepy..

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Tue, 24 Feb 2015 22:06:00 +0000

mm.. so expressive and sensual.. you exude such sensuality with those luscious lips and deep expressive eyes and that shimmering skin.. sorry for being so blunt, but it's so hard to resist such vivid imagination about you..:)

Cheesy, but.. Not that bad, actually. Huh.

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 00:02:00 +0000

If a thousand painters worked for a thousand years, they could not create a work of art as beautiful as you.

Keep it far away from you?

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Tue, 20 Jan 2015 21:26:00 +0000

I know what to do with all that hair, even if you don't.….....…

After a few days of perfectly normal messages, I thought I was in the clear..

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Thu, 11 Dec 2014 02:55:00 +0000

Hi there you are really cute :) something about me that you should know: I am the kind of guy who knows what he wants. I have my stuff together, own a car, nice big house, I am hopeless romantic, kind, I could be very sexxual if I wanted to be but it depends on the woman, if you are a woman who doesn't love sexx, I won't even ask u for it, or if you are a woman who loves sexx a lot you better prepare yourself for this big boy who will rock your world all night long. When I say I am big, I mean it's pretty damn big so u better be able to handle it like a real woman. I am blunt and straight to the point, if you don't like what I say, you are not the right woman for me. Other than that, I know how to treat a girl, I am a lot of fun to be with which would drive some women crazy sometimes :) My goal in life is to be happy as much as I can, same goes with relationships. Hit me up, you won't be disappointed!

Ah, yes.. The Less Than 3 Word Message Approach.

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Mon, 08 Dec 2014 01:10:00 +0000

Pretty lady

Sent from the OkCupid app Nov 15

Awesome

Sent from the OkCupid app Nov 30

Dream lady

Sent Yesterday

Not as many massages as I would like. (Updated)

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Sun, 07 Dec 2014 00:34:00 +0000

Sent from the OkCupid app 7:26pm

My name is Bob*

Sent from the OkCupid app 7:26pm

I would like to talk to you and get a chance to know you

Sent from the OkCupid app 7:27pm

I know your so beautiful and get lots of massages

Sent from the OkCupid app 7:27pm

I don't want to waste your time but will appreciate if you massage me back

Sent from the OkCupid app 7:28pm

Thanks

Sent from the OkCupid app 7:28pm

*Not his real name

Some more messages from Bob:

I really think you should go on a date with me

Sent from the OkCupid app 4:50am

No seriously

Sent from the OkCupid app 4:50am

Classy first date idea.. Why didn't I think of that?

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Tue, 02 Dec 2014 22:20:00 +0000

Hey sexy what's your name? Lets hang out soemtime drink couple beers smoke some weed

Sorry about your small penis. Might want to rethink your opening message though..

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Wed, 26 Nov 2014 20:12:00 +0000

you were told you were pretty way to many times in your life. Good luck on finding a man to make you happy! Im sure you look in the mirror and get more satisfaction!

Newp.. Definitely sounds very Neanderthal.

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Tue, 25 Nov 2014 22:02:00 +0000

ah eh umm....mmmmine. Yup I'm deciphering claiming you! Not in a Neanderthal kind of way think of it more like a finding nemo sort of thing :p

No, that doesn't sound creepy at all..

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Sun, 23 Nov 2014 19:02:00 +0000

Yes baby you look so nice. Come here now. You're beautiful and need to hear it more

Sometime I get tired of this question.

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Sun, 23 Nov 2014 08:42:00 +0000

hey there whats up? whats a beautiful lady like yourself doing single?

-Well, I tend to kill my sexual partners. It really puts a damper in attempting a lasting relationship.

B. Widow.*

*Not my real name

Uh, thanks for clarifying that you're not a woman beater.. Good to know

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Sun, 23 Nov 2014 06:11:00 +0000

Hi my names bob* and I was wondering if you want to chat . A little about me I work for a school have for eight years ive never cheated and never will I also have never hit a woman . Im a no bs no drama guy I tend to take car of others before my self . Well if you would like to know more lets chat thanks.

*Not his real name

I think I need my lawyer for any future responses.

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Sun, 23 Nov 2014 05:31:00 +0000

Why are you on TV?

-Those fuckers from Cops insisted on filming my arrest.*

*Actual response. Not actually arrested. Yet.

You just convinced me to chop it off.. Thanks!

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Sun, 23 Nov 2014 04:36:00 +0000

Hi Nic! More hair than you know what to do with huh? I know what I'D do with it..... Pull on it :) You would forget about everything else in life...

-Bob-*

*Not his real name.

Thank you for that copy and paste "MESSAGE"

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Sat, 15 Nov 2014 23:09:00 +0000

Dear Beautiful,

I thought, I would take the time out to write you this message to let you know that I'm a well rounded, down to earth, athletic, gentle caring, career minded, hard working, driven, secure, loyal, healthy life style, "SAPIOPHILE" single man who has his own place, car, career, no kids, never been married and completing my bachelors degree in Computer Science. Who loves to cook gourmet dishes, clean, give massages since I had classes in Massage Therapy, doing laundry, being a neat freak and is a personal Physical Fitness Trainer. So if what I wrote entices your mind, body and most importantly soul. Don't hesitate to respond back to this message. I'm just tired of meeting so many "fake" females that don't know what they "want" in life. I just wish their was one female out there in this world that can prove to me that not all females are the same. Also the main reason I'm interested in your profile is because were in the same age group so the maturity level should be mutual. Plus I don't want to sit here and waste your "TIME" as well as mines. I hope you really can understand where I'm coming from beautiful.

Sincerely Yours,

Bob*

PS: You're "BEAUTY" caught my attention but I know once I get to know you it's your "PERSONALITY" that will capture my heart me lady..

*Not his real name

I'm sure if you send the same generic message a 4th time, I'll change my mind.

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Sat, 15 Nov 2014 20:29:00 +0000

Hey there! I would love to chat with you if you are interested! :) 11/13/2014 6:34:08 PM

Hey there! I would love to chat with you if you are interested! :) 11/14/2014 5:02:39 PM

Hey there! I would love to chat with you if you are interested! :) 11/15/2014 10:20:48 AM

Let me guess.. You're volunteering?

noreply@blogger.com (Nic) — Sat, 15 Nov 2014 15:56:00 +0000

Gorgeous smile and eyes! You need to pass those flawless gene's on and have a baby at some point your beautiful girl! !!