BAD POETRY AT ITS FINEST

I know the muffin man

2012-02-21T13:28:00.000-08:00

I know the muffin man,
His name is Nigel
He gives me muffins today
Because that is his goal.

One day I ate a piece
It tasted like it smelled
Like a giant blueberry delight
So good that I yelled.

He told me to stop it,
Cause I was being loud.
I said he should just shut up
So I was beaten by a crowd.

I don't go back anymore
So I tried to make my own
I wasn't successful at it
The proportion I had blown. ....... it.....out of.

What's the big deal?!

2012-02-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

So I took an extra cookie,
What's the big deal?
I then went to the store and took a small grape,
What's the big deal?
I then took a man's credit card,
What's the big deal?
I used it to by a car,
What's the big deal?
I tied up a dude, to take his yacht,
What's the big deal?
I then burned down a Walmart to get some free TV's
What's the big deal?
I then ran naked all over the state shooting a bunch of moose,
What's the big deal?
I was read my Miranda rights,
Is this a big deal?
I then was sentence to 3 decades in jail,
Yeah, that's a big deal.
I told the judge I wanted,
To make him a deal
I said I'd give him magic beans for my freedom
He said okay.

My Dream Last Night #1

2012-02-17T07:48:00.000-08:00

In the middle of the night last night,
I was wrestling a bear.
I then was in a tree,
That with his claws did tear.

I ran down a tube,
Full of fluorescent lights
Then I was in Switzerland
My wife was wearing tights.

Walking down a sideways wall
The bear came back again
I couldn't figure out his name,
So I just called him 'Lame'

The next Tuesday,
it was summer
I ate a dollhouse
And became a drummer

I wasn't very good at it
And the bear ripped my face
I tackled him and fought him well
And choked him with some lace

He died, but came back to life
It freaked me out real bad
So I challenge him to a duel
With lightsabers which made him sad

Doesn't really matter, though
Cause then I was a hero
I showed everyone my badge
To convince them I'm not a zero

They totally bought it
And that made me glad
Cause actually I was a fraud
Don't tell them, they'll be mad

Coming down from the hill
My pants were off in class
My teeth fell out which sucked real bad
I replaced them with some brass

Dreams are weird they screw you up
The whole day it's a bother
At least when I choked the bear
It wasn't my pillow..... Just my brother

Don't Golf Today

2012-02-14T18:33:00.000-08:00

I got a new set of clubs,
I'm so excited to use them.
They're not the kind you hit stuff with
Those are for the cavemen.

They are totally golf ones,
And are nice and shiny and new.
I'm going to the golf course
To see if my drive is true

I know it's midnight,
But I can really see.
But each time I smack the club
I couldn't ever hit the green

In fact, I couldn't hit the fairway
The sandtrap, or the trees.
Wth is happening here?
I thought I would have some glee!

I cannot golf today,
Maybe in 3 months I'll try
Turns out it's hard to golf
With snow 3 feet high

Similie #3

2012-02-13T08:37:00.000-08:00

I slept like a baby last night... that was hungry, on a bed of nails, at a rock concert, in a winter storm, outside, with gang members having a turf war across the street, and with a full diaper.

To play drums or peel oranges?

2012-02-09T07:44:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning, wondering how to win
Shall I play the drums, and get good at them, Jim?

"No you should not. That's a stupid thing to do,
You suck at rhythm, and you'll turn us all blue."

'Okay, I said to him, while shutting the door hinge,
I'll go right ahead, and peel this ripe orange'

See that? I rhymed with orange!

Water bottles and cuss words

2012-02-02T12:24:00.000-08:00

I fill my water bottle up
Only after walking for miles
Once I get to my drinking fountain,
I say cuss words because it's out.

STD's

2012-01-31T15:28:00.000-08:00

I was told my computer,
Had an STD
I took it to the nerdy patrol
To see what it could be.

He told me my computer
was the fastest on the planet.
It had a lot of gigabites
And gave a lot of mana

I couldn't believe my heart,
When I learned what it meant.
STD wasn't what I'd thought,
It was 'Super Terrific Deathcomputer'

And that means it's good.

Powerful Poisonous Pentunias

2012-01-30T14:53:00.000-08:00

Powerful poisonous petunias
Pose possible predicaments.
People, probably, possibly
Postulate perplexities.

Perhaps Polish people
Pinch pickle positions?
Perchance, populate possibilities!
Pepper-paste prevails!

Simile #2

2012-01-27T12:05:00.000-08:00

The bird flies like: A budget airline that skipped it's aircraft maintenance records to save money and a volcano erupted just now in the flight path and they didn't have enough time to move around the plume and the engines had a lot of dust and rocks and stuff in it, oh, and it exploded too, but there was a guy inside that had a parachute company but he didn't have any of his inventory on him.

Bad timing

2012-01-27T11:01:00.000-08:00

I was late for a date, and ran with all my might.
I hit the door when it closed, now I bleed from my thigh.

Driving my car, the yellow light came
Just a little late, and got a ticket, so lame.

Two days before marriage, a full-body rash
Turns out she's not into that, just fair skin and M.A.S.H

Watching TV on lottery day, with Thanksgiving dinner.
Too bad it's June, and I'm not the big winner.

Snowmen

2012-01-23T11:17:00.000-08:00

Fourteen snowmen set out on a trip.
Two melted yesterday,
And one, on a banana, did slip

Eleven were left, out by a train
Four contracted syphilis
And one was crushed by a crane.

Six were left, out by the sun
But it was still cold,
And all graduated college, got jobs, and retired comfortably.

2YB5QTVGQ73Y

Sounds profound, but it's not.

2012-01-16T10:38:00.000-08:00

Fighting with the troll, the sandwich begs to fly.
Rasping with raspberries, peanut butter it does dry.

Never taunt the beggar, walk away from the sand
Jumping with the mad lib, carry on, with the band.

Don't ask to free the merry, clomp clowns for their life
Help the child with boogers free, have two buckets of strife.

From West comes the carpet bag. South the fur trade's son
All I ask to be for true fox, go now, my frock with guns.

WHY IS THE STATE OF BIRDING?! WROUGHT WITH LOUD CANNONS!?
Actually, they're not. I wanted attentions from mammoths.

My phone does ring, and no one's there, In my nose, I have stray hairs.
For once I want two cents from you, two cents, from you and chairs.
.

The heart and the harp

2012-01-16T10:28:00.000-08:00

Whistle, and hear the wind.
Run, and hear the ground.
Stop and you can hear the heart,
Jump, and you can hear the bones.

To all who come, to ask to use
The tree, the glee, the water down.
The harp it sings, like hobos new
Like heart, like harp, and rabid ducks.

Lettuce

2012-01-16T10:25:00.000-08:00

Lettuce gather round the table
Beet the leprechauns who
Make the grape escape.

Poetry in Code Challenge: #1

2012-01-06T08:56:00.000-08:00

fpmy dppy yjr ,rddrmhrt.
Im;rdd jr od dyi[of?
S;dp fpmy yovl ,r pgg.
Vsidr Yjsyd Mpy Movr.

Bad Simile #1

2011-12-21T09:51:00.000-08:00

He jumps like: A kid in school at a running contest, but halfway through he pulled his quad, and wanted to finish really bad, but he hurt too much. And the other kids were yelling at him to hurry up but he couldn't. Then, afterwards, he found out it wasn't his quad, but a bee stung him and he was allergic to bees and he didn't have his Epi-pen and so he cried, and peed his pants, but felt he should still finish the race to be a hero. He wasn't a hero, because just before the finish line, he fell.

Aliens and Bigfoot

2011-12-21T09:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I met,
With Grzonack the alien.
He told me to watch out,
Because Bigfoot was behind him

I looked over there,
And Bigfoot looked mad
He came running after us
I knew it would be bad.

I asked him 'What's up?!'
He flailed, looking in fear
'Let's get out of here' he yelled
Just behind him: a hungry loch ness monster.

Double Haiku

2011-12-20T12:34:00.000-08:00

If you want to listen to my trumpet

Stand up and blow in it- because that is how you make sound

Dang. People are running and dying now.

I want free Pizza

2011-12-20T12:25:00.000-08:00

I like pizza,
So super much
If I would have to choose,
Don't have to kick me in the crotch

My favorite pizza
That I want for free
Is Little Ceasars for sure
They get my endoresement-y

How to diet

2011-12-14T10:40:00.000-08:00

Let's face it today,
There are lots of fatties
They eat all the food
From all the skinnies.

From now on let's eat
Enough to get by
Give all the rest
To me....cause .....'mungry.

Why I love you

2011-12-14T10:37:00.000-08:00

From Husband:
I love you for your cuteness
I love you for your bodyness
I love you for your funnyness
I love you for your motherness

From Wife:
I love you and your moneyness
I love you with your wrinkled-shirt-ness
I love you with your fart-in-bed-ness
And I love you with your can't-put-the-toilet-seat-down-ness

Vacation Poem

2011-12-12T07:11:00.000-08:00

Your vacation is looming.
It starts in one week
The anticipation is killing,
But time going fast seems bleak

It seems like 47 years until the day,
And from work, you've checked out
All you can think about is leaving
Watching Carrot Top, not grout.

It has finally arrived,
You leave car packed high,
You drive for 3425 hours,
The casinos, fill the sky.

You get drunk and gamble,
You lose all your money the first day.
You cry and go back to sleep
And think of tomorrow, what to play.

Once nothing has worked,
And all your money did not last
It seems like 61 seconds have left,
And vacation went by way too fast.

Simile Poem

2011-12-05T09:20:00.000-08:00

He flies like a plane
She flies like a bird
It flies like a fly
We fly like a turd.

They eat like race car drivers
I eat like lobsters
We eat like cake eaters
You eat like mobsters

Yo smell like summer
Ustedes smell like canned fruit
Tu smell like lobsters
Nosotros smell like boots.

They stir like Japanese
I stir like my crew
You stir like happiness
We stir like hulahoops.

I run like you,
You run like them
They run like us,
We run like fat guys.

Repeat

2011-11-30T10:49:00.000-08:00

I do know Pete

Don't ask to repeat.

I shall do it only once

Next time just say 'what?'

(because to ask: 'Please sir, would you be so kind to repeat what you said' is stupider than, 'what?')

(Also, explaining jokes and poems is lame. I'll only do it a few more times..... maybe 10. Or more. Or less, but it will definitely be a number of times.)