Bag Full of Tricks

A letter to Trump supporters (Ben Mallicote)

2017-03-16T15:52:00.004-06:00

You voted for Trump because Clinton was going to be in Wall Street's pocket. Trump wants to repeal Dodd-Frank and eliminate the Fiduciary Rule, letting Wall Street return to its pre-2008 ways.

You voted for Trump because of Clinton's emails. The Trump administration is running its own private email server.

You voted for Trump because you thought the Clinton Foundation was "pay for play." Trump has refused to wall off his businesses from his administration, and personally profits from payments from foreign governments.

You voted for Trump because of Clinton's role in Benghazi. Trump ordered the Yemen raid without adequate intel, and tweeted about "FAKE NEWS" while Americans died as a result of his carelessness.

You voted for Trump because Clinton didn't care about "the little guy." Trump's cabinet is full of billionaires, and he took away your health insurance so he could give them a multi-million-dollar tax break.

You voted for Trump because he was going to build a wall and Mexico was going to pay for it. American consumers will pay for the wall via import tariffs.

You voted for Trump because Clinton was going to get us into a war. Trump has provoked our enemies, alienated our allies, and given ISIS a decade's worth of recruiting material.

You voted for Trump because Clinton didn't have the stamina to do the job. Trump hung up on the Australian Prime Minister during a 5pm phone call because "it was at the end of a long day and he was tired and fatigue was setting in."

You voted for Trump because foreign leaders wouldn't "respect" Clinton. Foreign leaders, both friendly and hostile, are openly mocking Trump.

You voted for Trump because Clinton lies and "he tells it like it is." Trump and his administration lie with a regularity and brazenness that can only be described as shocking.

Let's be honest about what really happened.

The reality is that you voted for Trump because you got conned. Trump is a grifter and the American people were the mark. Now that you know the score, quit insisting the con-man is on your side.

Ben Mallicote

Trump redesigns the American flag

2016-06-27T23:53:00.001-06:00

Oh say can you see by the glow of Trump's tan....

From the desk of the Greatest American President ever! (suck it Reagan):

Today, I give you the greatest flag in the world. It is a flag worthy of our great country, and symbolizes everything that makes America great. I designed this flag, especially for you America, because I am the best at designing flags. There is no one else in the world better at creating flags. I am the best at creating flags. And we needed a new one because the old one was designed by that fat cow, Betsy Ross, and it was a loser flag. This is a winner flag. The green stripes represent money because if you do not have money, you are not a winner. And we have so much money as a nation that we are winners. We are so winning, and have so much money, that we are tired of winning and having so much money. But what can you do? You can't give your money to poor people because they are losers, and you know that they are losers because they have no money. The black stripes represent black gold, which is better than gold gold, except for the golden signs that now decorate all the national monuments. As Americans, we send our troops everywhere to protect the precious black gold. We are so protective of black gold that we even use nukes to protect the black gold from the poor in other countries, and you know that they are losers because we nuked them to protect the black gold for the winners who have loads of black gold. The winners have so much black gold that they do not know what to do with it. And what can they do? They move here and they bring their black gold to us, and we win again. I am so sick and tired of all this winning that we are doing. And there are fifty stars that represent the fifty noble hatreds that makes America great. You know the fifty: hate those Mexican rapists and drugs, and Rosie McDonnell, and journalists, and lying Hillary, and crazy Bernie, and weak Jeb, and those militant Muslims, and Isis, I know so much about Isis, I know more about Isis than the CIA, the NSA, and all the generals in the military, and we hate them so much that we will nuke them wherever they are, if they come to New York, we will nuke New York. And the other fifty noble hatreds that Jesus trust us, and that the Supreme Court and Congress agree should be in the Constitution because I told them that they should be in the Constitution, and I am the greatest at the Constitution, I know exactly what should be in the Constitution. This flag is in the Constitution, you can look it up, along with every man, woman, and child having a gun, except for Muslims, and blacks, and the blacks are ok with it because I get along great with the blacks, the blacks love me, and the Mexicans, the Mexicans can't have guns because they are murderers and rapists. Oh, there are some good Mexicans, and they love this flag. I get along great with the American flag loving Mexicans, they love me. And there is a field of orange to remind us that our great nation, the most winning nation in the world, is founded on a great religion, a religion that I am great in, and in Cheeto-Jesus we trust---that and money and black oil. America--we are great again!!!

President-for-Life Donald Cheeto-Jesus Trump

Donald Trump--the cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon---the only candidate worse than Cthulhu and Killer Asteroid.

[Don't like the idea of a Trump Presidency? Join us on July 4th (worldwide) to bind and hex the cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon. Or better yet, vote for the other party!]

Support me on Patreon

2016-06-27T23:52:00.000-06:00

If you love the work that I am doing, and you know that you do, you can now make a monthly donation to me on Patreon.

Patreon is a crowdfunding site where people make monthly donations to creative people (writers, artists, comedians, etc.) to help them make ends meet--because being creative is not the gold mine that certain people think it is. The number of creatives that make decent money doing art is less than one percent.

And yes, I know. No one should support my work because I spend too much time making fun of other people, and my artwork sucks, and my writing blows, and whatever else my critics say.

To my critics, I say--bite me!

There are rewards for supporting me on Patreon, including early access to projects that I am working on.

So for just a dollar a month, you can sponsor a lunatic--that would be me, Mad Uncle Morgan, and encourage me to continue doing what I do best. Thank you for your continued support.

Cthulhu Dagon 2016

2016-06-07T15:22:00.002-06:00

Yes, I am still a Bernie supporter. Yes, I am still a nasty unwashed hippy. Yes, I know the truth of the numbers. Yes, I still want some of my concerns to actually make it onto the party platform. Yes, I still believe that both Trump and Hillary are both demonic. Yes, I still believe that we are better off voting for the lesser evil once we have absolutely no choice. And that is why I am going to vote for Cthulhu/Dagon in November.

Cthulhu/Dagon 2016---because Killer Asteroid is not running.

Custom made chalices

2016-01-11T16:54:00.002-07:00

And now a word from my sponsor (aka my wife):

Here are some of the chalices that were made recently. There is a large variety of symbols that can be used: Templar cross, Wicca pentacle, triple moon, and horned god. There are also several scrolls that can be applied. We have a variety of glaze colors to choose from; all of them are food safe. The chalices are hand thrown, underglazed and fired, then overglazed and fired a second time. The whole process from start to finish takes seven to eight weeks.

If you are interested in ordering a custom made chalice, check out Khari's Wiccan Treasures on Etsy.

Templar cross blue chalice.

Templar cross green chalice.

Wiccan trimple moon pentacle green chalice.

Here is the selection of glaze colors to choose from.

Red and black horned god chalice.

Green triple moon chalice.

Golden brown triple moon chalice.

Red and black triple moon chalice.

Blue and green pentacle chalice.

Blue pentacle chalice.

How Trump can become President

2015-12-24T22:05:00.001-07:00

Here is how Trump becomes President: 51% of the population embraces his special hatred of those they also hate while ignoring the fact that Trump also hates the 51% of the population voting for him.

QoD Weiner hugs the press

2013-08-09T03:16:00.002-06:00

Anthony Weiner tells it like he sees it.

Today's quote of the day comes from that sexy man Anthony Weiner, who to top his favorable media impression, not only believes that the press should get a hobby, he also believes that the press is "just one big cuddly collection of humanity" who he thinks of fondly.

And the press thinks of you, Anthony Weiner, as a big collection of sexiness, hugs, and common sense...just don't text us or send us any naked pictures, ok?

A thought about GMOs

2013-03-30T14:14:00.003-06:00

What gets me about the whole genetically-modified paranoia is that the regular wheat and corn, and everything else that is farmed, has been modified by human behavior. Corn started out as a grass with a low yield; yet over the course of human history, we selectly choose to plant seeds that resulted in our current corn on the cob. The difference is that we did not do it in a lab over a short decade, instead we took thousands of years to do it--nevertheless, we modified the genetics of the current corn plant long before we understood genetics. Everything that you buy in the grocery store has been genetically modified long before Monsanto was a glimmer in a caveman's eyes.

How about actually washing some dirty dishes?

2012-10-15T23:58:00.001-06:00

Paul Ryan pretending to work in a soup kitchen.

As many of my readers know, I spent twenty years in the restaurant business--much of that time was spent washing dishes. Not pretending to wash dishes, like Paul Ryan did in a recent photo op.

Now, I realize that politicians pretend to care for the less fortunate, and to be regular joes who understand your pain, all the time. The Democrats are as guilty of the Republicans are--they are not regular joes; they are not our co-workers and drinking buddies.

Still, pretending to wash dishes? And then claiming that it was to draw attention to the work that a soup kitchen does. Really? You expect us to believe that you were trying to help out?

The Romney/Ryan ticket are really annoying me as a former restaurant employee and manager. First the Romney campaign gets upset at one restaurant owner for not allowing them to eat there, with the result being that death threats were made to the owner of the restaurant (just because someone shares your religion does not mean that they want to be seen endorsing you). And now, Ryan is annoying people by pretending to wash dishes.

Tell you what. Come to my house and wash some actual dirty dishes. Or the house of any random American. There are a ton of dirty dishes to be washed in this county. In fact, we will allow you to take before and after pictures. But do not tell us how this proves that you are just like us, and have our best interests at heart. We know better because we know that you never have to clean up after yourselves ever--you hire people like us to wash your dirty dishes. And we know that you do not actually go drinking with your help, or even care about them.

Yes, I am a happy cynic. A happy cynic who actually washes actual dirty dishes. For some reason, that makes me believe that I am more of a regular joe than Paul Ryan is.

Talk to my cat about your product and candidate

2012-10-01T19:30:00.003-06:00

Please tell my cat all about your new product and/or political candidate.

Oh, how many more days until this election cycle is over--too many.

Last year at this time, I thought that I would be busy blogging about the latest election during this month. I did not realize that even I would be uninterested in the whole d*** thing.

Over the last past couple of weeks, I have been averaging a half dozen political calls a day. It has gotten to the point that I am not answering the phone if I do not see an actual name on the caller ID.

And I am on the verge of handing the phone to my cat--maybe he can summon up more interest in this election than I have been able to.

For the record, I have known for months who I am voting for...I think that most of my Facebook friends have figured it out also. So let's just vote today, and save ourselves a few weeks of pointless political ads and phone calls. If not, a lot of people are going to end up talking to my cat.

Free for today only

2012-09-11T13:09:00.002-06:00

Shakespeare's Monkey

Today (well technically until Friday September 14, 2012), you can get a free copy of my ebook Shakespeare's Monkey when you enter coupon code EX49A at the checkout. Why free today? Well, one of the stories contained in this volume was based on 9/11--apologizes to the dozen people that I blended together to create the characters (it was creative license)--and today is as good of a day to share that piece of fiction as any other.

Why I am glad that I do not work at Chick-fil-A

2012-08-06T18:19:00.002-06:00

Maybe I should quit feeding the cats Chick-fil-A.

As some of my readers may know, I spent twenty years working in food service before graduating from college and becoming a full-time writer and general publishing jack-of-all-trades. Because of this, I have thoughts about the whole Chick-fil-A mess.

The first of which is that if I was still attending the University of Colorado on the Denver campus, and still going to classes in the North classroom, I would probably still be eating Chick-fil-A...merely because it would be a matter of convenience and because I know who is going to be hurt most by the protests.

The people who are going to get hurt most by the protests are the lowest paid employees. It is not going to be the managers and executives who suffer; it is going to be the poor people who make the food and serve the customers. I was a mamanger of a fast food restaurant, and I know exactly what happens when sales go down--you cut the hours of your employees to save on labor costs. Therefore, I am not sure if I would be completely comfortable protesting and boycotting the local Chick-fil-A.

The second thing I know is once you toss the convenience of a certain location (which employs college students) out the window is that I am not eating Chick-fil-A. Recently I had a couple of opportunities to eat at Chick-fil-A...and I didn't. Now, I am only one person, but I am sure that I am not alone.

But here is the deal: while I ate at other places, I do not know the political opinions of the owners of the places that I chose to eat at instead. For all I know, I may have been eating at a place ran by a bigger menace. Do you know the political opinion of the people who own the restaurant you eat the most at? It is not like it is generally known by your average customer.

The third thing I know is that I would be fired by Chick-fil-A if I worked for them. I am a supporter of gay marriage. I do not believe that gay people are the biggest hazard to marriage. Furthermore, I had a gay roommate for several years, and I had gay neighbors the entire time I have been living in Denver. Gay people are just a natural part of the world, and they deserve the same economic and emotionally benefits that straight people are entitled to. And yes, I would be vocal about my support of gay rights...therefore, I would be rapidly fired.

And the final thing I know is that the owner of Chick-fil-A is a fool. It is one thing to be a bigot, and proud of it. But it is another thing to let your customers learn that you are a bigot. It is bad business practice to let your customers know that you are a bigot. Anything that a corporation would fire a manager or executive over should not be openly done by the owner. And trust me if a store manager would have been outed as a bigot, and the owner was a closet bigot, the manager would have been fired in a heartbeat to soothe the rage of the customers, despite the fact that the owner was a closet bigot. The only reason that Chick-fil-A still has a problem is that it is the owner and not one of the employees.

QoD Jason Alexander on the purpose of an AR-15

2012-07-23T15:49:00.001-06:00

Jason Alexander doing a TwitLonger on the Aurora theatre shooting:

What purpose does an AR-15 serve to a sportsman that a more standard hunting rifle does not serve? Let's see - does it fire more rounds without reload? Yes. Does it fire farther and more accurately? Yes. Does it accommodate a more lethal payload? Yes. So basically, the purpose of an assault style weapon is to kill more stuff, more fully, faster and from further away. To achieve maximum lethality.

Tea Party (Zealot's Dictionary)

2012-06-06T23:15:00.001-06:00

Tea Party: The most rational part of the Republican Party. The Tea Party knows that Founding Fathers wanted only preachers of the correct faith to be politicians and bankers to be in control of the economy. The Tea Party knows that the rich really care about the poor and would never abuse their political position to increase their own wealth at the expense of the poor. Their views that the poor are lazy, and that immigration and witchcraft are the sources of all evil are absolutely correct. Their section of the Republican Party is named after a sex act that elevates their sexual partners to the most sublime and spiritual potential possible. The Tea Party has voted to ban the development of time machines, abolish the study of history and mathematics, and to allow an asteroid to crash into the Earth; after all, they already have their first class ticket to heaven where the rich will definitely not use them for riding around on.

[All the Zealot's Dictionary definitions are available in a single ebook on Smashwords--just 99 cents. Remember if you buy it on Smashwords, you get access to all future expansions...because we know that new definitions are sure to happen simply because of human nature.]

Cost of textbooks and iPads in classrooms

2012-02-15T11:16:00.001-07:00

Here is an interesting chart comparing the cost of using textbooks in classrooms versus using iPads. Bottom line: it is still cheaper to use textbooks.
Created by: OnlineTeachingDegree.com

Beware of the Burger Police

2011-12-03T18:08:00.001-07:00

Here something that I find amusing, a Florida man was arrested for joking with a Burger King employee that he wanted to buy a "blunt and some herbs" while sitting in a car that smelled of marijuana. The employee jotted down the license number of the car, and his manager passed it onto the cops. The cops found 28 grams of marijuana in the man's car.

Now, the part that I find amusing is that I used to work at a Burger King. If we reported everyone that was drunk, high, and/or crazy, we won't have had any customers...well, almost none. Of course, we were across the street from the college and down the street from a bar. And let's be honest, most of the employees knew what marijuana smoke smelled like because they, themselves were guilty of smoking it or had a friend who did.

(It might amuse you to note that I was guilty of writing stories at the sandwich station---each of us have our own vices, and mine involve gallons of ink and thousand of pages of badly written prose. My smoking and drinking were minor infractions in comparsion to the amount of writing I did on company time.)

There is more to this story than what we heard. I am betting that the customer was really an a** and the employee so wanted to put him in his place. It is personal theory based on my own Burger King job experience---none of us were the Burger Police. Then again, maybe Burger King employees in Florida are more upright citizens than the ones in Colorado.

Gas Mask for Christmas

2011-11-25T18:21:00.001-07:00

I decided that I want a gas mask for Christmas. Correction---I need a gas mask for Christmas.

First, we had the police spraying down the protesters with pepper spray. It was only a matter of time before it got out of hand. But I wasn't terribly worried---I have been too busy to go near the protests.

Of course, I didn't realize that the next step in the pepper spray assaults would be against Christmas shoppers. By a Christmas shopper.

Last night, a woman decided to spray down her competition with pepper spray as she tried to get a discounted Xbox. That brings Black Friday mania to a whole new level. So to get a jump on my competition, I would like Santa Claus to give me a gas mask, some tear gas, and maybe a tactical nuke to use against my fellow Christmas shoppers next year. I promise to only use them for good---such as getting the best toys before orphans see them, things like that.

File this story under Only in America.

British Army General Service Gas Mask

So Jesus is actually a gun-toting Republican

2011-11-18T12:32:00.001-07:00

I suppose that we should not be shocked at the revelation that White House shooter, Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez, says that he is a modern-day Jesus Christ. Nor should we be shocked that Oscar (Jesus) claims that Obama is the Anti-Christ. After all, the Republicans for years have been claiming Jesus is a gun-toting Republican who believes that all Democratic Presidents are the Anti-Christ. But I will admit that I am surprised that Nostradamus had to be the one to pass on the message to Oscar (Jesus). I am even more surprised by his mother claiming he has no history of mental illness.

What would Republican Jesus do?

Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez--yeah, he is Jesus all right.

Handy tip of the day--If your child buys an assault rifle, looks like Jesus Christ, reads old dead prophets (especially French ones), and thinks that Obama is the Anti-Christ, then he is a Republican.

Christmas sales as an economic indicator

2011-11-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

One of the frustrating things about the so-called end of the Great Recession is the fact that the people who are recovering are not even remotely in my neighborhood. As most of my friends and regular readers know, I am a firm believer in developing one's own set of economic indicators---that way you don't have to rely on the boiled numbers that the government issues.

Here is a good indicator of the health of the economy: When did Christmas displays and music hit the stores? When did the merchants start slashing prices?

The earlier you see and hear Xmas stuff, the worst retailers believe the holiday shopping season is going to be. Of course, I believe that the stock holders are worried about their stock prices and dividends---and not in the least concerned about their employees---which means that even if consumers pony up money (from under what barrel I have no idea) and go hog-wild this shopping season, I am willing to bet that the money is going to stay in the pockets of the rich stockholders and not flow back to the rest of the economy.

The earlier you see price cutting (especially the fire sale level), the worst the holiday shopping is based on store reciepts. The fire sale level of prices indicate that a store is just trying to break even for the season, and that layoffs of regular employees is going to accompany the letting go of the seasonal help.

And this year is alarming on a couple of levels already. I saw Christmas stuff out before October 1st, and HR departments are actually hiring less seasonal help than normal.

Is it wrong to think that perhaps certain retail chains stockholders deserve a lump of coal for Christmas? Probably. We all know that only rich people can create jobs for the poor. *frowns*

American Capitalism: a Parable on how the system works

2011-10-24T23:06:00.000-06:00

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant Superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

---Author unknown

The American Scorecard so far

2011-10-09T13:51:00.002-06:00

I am learning a lot this election cycle about what it is to be a "real" American.

First, I learned that this country was founded as a Christian nation, and that the Founding Fathers thought that you were not entitled to be a full American (with full legal protections) unless you were a Christian.

I also learned that I am poorly educated because this is not what I have been taught in college. And I am so poorly educated that I cannot find proof of this when I read the primary documents (their actual letters and essays), so I am forced to believe my professors when they say that the Founding Fathers were Deists.

And today, I learned that the Founding Fathers were also capitalists. I guess all the warnings about the evils of banks were planted by time-traveling Democrats.

Herman Cain, who is not going to get my vote, says that the current Wall Street protests are anti-American, and "to protest Wall Street and the bankers is saying that you're anti-capitalism."

Newt Gingrich, who is not going to get my vote, said that the protests are "a natural product of Obama's class warfare." Furthermore, the education system is to blame. "We have had a strain of hostility to free enterprise and frankly, a strain of hostility to classic America starting in our academic institutions and spreading across this country. And I regard the Wall Street protesters as a natural outcome of a bad education system teaching them really dumb ideas."

So lets' see, I am losing points for going to college, not being taught that America is a Christian nation, being a member of a non-Christian religion; and believing that despite the fact that I would like to become wealthy myself someday, that Wall Street and the banks went too far. Oh, and for believing that most of economic problems were actually created by the last President and not the current one.

I presume that I will be seeing some of my readers in Canada when I get deported for my unAmerican beliefs.

QoD Hitler and Christianity

2011-10-02T13:39:00.001-06:00

Here is a scary quote that someone posted on Facebook today:

"I am personally convinced of the great power and deep significance of Christianity, and I won't allow any other religion to be promoted."

— Adolf Hitler

I have no idea what context this statement came from. Nevertheless, I would hate for my religion to be look on favorably by Adolf Hitler.

QoD Rufus Opus on what Christians are not here to do

2011-09-11T12:16:00.003-06:00

"And Christians aren't here to run for political office. They aren't here to establish the Law of Moses as the Law of the Land. They aren't here to picket abortion clinics. They aren't here to deny gay couples the right to marriage. They aren't here to meddle in the things of the world."---Rufus Opus

The rest of Rufus Opus's post about what Christians are supposed to be doing can be found here.

The Wisdom of Michele Bachmann

2011-08-16T17:12:00.000-06:00

The monkey god approves of the music behind the words of Michelle Bachmann.

QoD MDE On the Dangers of the Pornoscanners

2011-07-01T15:34:00.000-06:00

Myself (the remarkable Morgan Drake Eckstein) on the dangers of radiation from the full-body scanners (pornoscanners) used at the airport:

The government is keeping us safe from terrorists by turning us into glow-in-the-dark cancerous blobs. Makes sense---you cannot get killed by a terrorist if you are already dead.