Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

You: A Beginner’s Guide with Toni Jones of Shelf Help

NATALIE — Fri, 22 May 2026 22:15:00 +0000

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I chat with Toni Jones, founder of Shelf Help, the world’s first self-help book club. Toni’s read over 1,000 self-help books in the last decade after burning out from tabloid journalism and a life of heavy drinking and people pleasing. We dig into the shame stories we carry from childhood, why we blame our younger selves for things that weren’t our fault, learning to quiet down enough to hear our inner wisdom, and her new limited-edition book, You: A Beginner’s Guide, published with The Pound Project, about connecting with your past, present, and future selves. If you’ve ever felt like you’re carrying old narratives that need rewriting, or wondered how to actually hear what you need, this conversation is for you.

IN THIS EPISODE…

Toni found self-help at crisis point after burning out from tabloid journalism and people pleasing, starting with Paul McKenna’s Change Your Life in Seven Days, which introduced the revolutionary idea that she could actually change how she thought and felt rather than accepting a fixed mindset. The first book took her a year to read because everything was brand new, but it sent her down a decade-long journey of reading over 1,000 self-help books and eventually founding Shelf Help, a global self-help book club, because doing this work in community is more powerful than doing it alone.
The shame stories we tell ourselves from childhood moments shape our adult identity until we consciously intervene and question them. We’re often incredibly unkind to younger versions of ourselves, blaming them for things that were never their fault.
Changing your relationship with alcohol (or anything else with a compulsive and strong pull on our identity) sometimes requires first building self-trust and self-esteem. Toni held onto drinking for five years into her self-help journey, even as she worked on mental and emotional health, because it was such a core part of her identity. But her changing relationship with herself paved the way to finally being able to confront (and change) her relationship with alcohol.
Slowing down and doing things that feel counterintuitive and even ‘crazy’ to the you that’s learned to, for instance, hustle, push through, have so much of your identity tied with work or pleasing others. However, it creates the quiet space to hear your inner wisdom. but you don’t have to wait for a crisis point to support yourself.
You: A Beginner’s Guide. Toni’s limited-edition book (available only until 26 May 2026) connects you with your past self to understand what shaped you and give compassion to younger versions of yourself; your future self to get intentional about who you’re becoming; and your present self through life support (habits, routines, self-care, boundaries). Change starts with your relationship with yourself.

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Life’s Inevitables: Why Stress, Conflict, Criticism, Disappointment, Rejection, and Loss are Not the Enemy

NATALIE — Fri, 08 May 2026 23:09:01 +0000

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I dig into what I call life’s inevitables (stress, conflict, criticism, disappointment, rejection, and loss) and why our attempts to dodge them through people pleasing, perfectionism, over-giving, and overthinking are costing us far more than facing them ever would.

I share what it took for me to stop treating these experiences as punishments and start reading them as signals, and what it’s like when you’re raging against these inevitables while also being aware of the signals. I walk through each inevitable one by one, what it’s actually there to tell you, and why building real self-esteem means developing the capacity to meet life’s hard stuff rather than trying to eliminate it. If you’ve ever felt blindsided by difficulty despite doing “all the right things,” this one’s for you.

IN THIS EPISODE…

You can’t outrun life’s inevitables, but you can exhaust yourself trying. Avoiding the hard stuff doesn’t just fail to protect you; it also cuts you off from the good stuff, leaving you numb, low on intimacy, and stuck in cycles of burnout and dissatisfaction.
What each inevitable is actually there to tell you. Stress as information about your limits and bandwidth; conflict as an invitation to deeper honesty and intimacy; criticism as feedback (not a court order) that you can take or leave; disappointment as the gap between expectation and reality that recalibrates your sense of what’s truly possible; rejection as a message to stop self-rejecting and settling; and loss as a turning point that changes you, even when you can’t yet see how.
Self-esteem isn’t armour against life’s inevitables; it’s the capacity to face them. Outsourcing self-esteem to avoid hard things keeps you in a vicious cycle of trying to control the uncontrollable. Real self-esteem is built by showing up, handling things, and gathering evidence that you can come through difficulty, not by keeping it at bay.
Asking “what’s the baggage behind it?” as a practice. When life’s inevitables arrive and you notice you’re freaking out, hiding, or raging, get curious about where else have you felt, thought, and acted similarly. Who or what does this remind you of? This isn’t about finding instant relief; it’s about gaining context and understanding what’s being activated from the past.
A zero-to-ten approach for building capacity gradually. Rather than expecting an overnight shift, rate your current ability to handle a particular inevitable on a scale of zero to ten and aim to move one or two points at a time, not straight to ten.

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The post Life’s Inevitables: Why Stress, Conflict, Criticism, Disappointment, Rejection, and Loss are Not the Enemy appeared first on Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue.

How to Know If Someone Is Trustworthy (And Why Safe People Don’t Demand Trust)

NATALIE — Fri, 24 Apr 2026 21:03:00 +0000

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I tackle a question that weighs on lots of us well into adulthood: “How do I know if I can trust my friends and other people?” I break down what trust actually is, why it feels tricky when ease seems suspicious because struggle feels more familiar, the debit and credit trust system for navigating the tension of giving access before you have proof, the difference between healthy and unhealthy familiar, and why safe people don’t feel entitled to your trust or brush off your discomfort. If you’ve been carrying shame about trusting too readily or finding it hard to trust at all, this episode offers guidance for learning to trust yourself so you can more easily recognise other safe people.

IN THIS EPISODE…

Trust isn’t just a feeling; it’s a conclusion you arrive at through living the relationship. It’s getting a sense of how someone shows up over time across different situations, not just when things are easy but when they get harder too.
The debit and credit trust system: start with 70% trust and build or roll back based on evidence. You can’t get evidence of trustworthiness without giving some access first, which creates tension, especially if you’ve been hurt before.
Ease can feel suspicious when you’re used to struggle. Watch for unhealthy familiar. When feeling secure feels foreign because you’ve normalised monitoring, performing, and low-level bracing, someone you can actually exhale around can feel too easy, like something must be wrong.
Safe people don’t do shady things to get you to trust them. They don’t pressure you into trusting them, make you feel guilty for being uncertain, ask you to keep uncomfortable secrets, or do things that serve them at your expense. Be wary of people who make you feel bad about yourself or subtly encourage you to doubt your own instincts so you rely on theirs instead – they’re investing in your dependence, not your trust.
The Age of Obedience taught us to extend automatic trust to adults and authorities. We were raised to believe questioning whether an adult deserved our trust wasn’t allowed, that feeling uneasy around authority meant we were bad and should ignore ourselves.

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How to Stop Letting the Fear of Disapproval and Conflict Run Your Life

NATALIE — Fri, 10 Apr 2026 19:15:00 +0000

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I dig into our relationship with disapproval, criticism, and conflict, specifically how fear of these leads to organising our entire life around avoiding and minimising any possibility of experiencing them. I share how I stopped being so terrified of disapproval, where these patterns come from, and some practical reframes to help you stop letting the fear run your life and self-esteem.

IN THIS EPISODE…

Fear of criticism and conflict comes from childhood patterns that made disapproval mean unworthiness. Growing up with volatility, anger, silent treatment, and destabilisation teaches you that if someone disapproves or you don’t meet expectations, it mean’s something’s wrong This belief makes everything feel like a potential threat, so you start scanning for disapproval before it arrives, adapting behaviour preemptively through people-pleasing, perfectionism, and overgiving.
Your nervous system and subconscious don’t tell the time; they reference childhood first. When your threat detector picks up even a whiff of similarity to past experiences, it sends your typical childhood response.
Four crucial reframes shift your relationship with criticism and conflict. (1) Criticism is not a verdict on you as a person but feedback about something specific; (2) Conflict doesn’t mean the relationship is over but that you have a real relationship with intimacy and truth; (3) Feedback is not a court order; it’s one person’s perspective you can choose what to do with; (4) Sometimes it genuinely isn’t about you but their baggage, circumstances, and patterns with giving/receiving feedback.
You can’t help your first reaction to conflict, criticism, and real or perceived disapproval, but you can intervene with mindful responses. It’s critical to let yourself know that you’re not in the past anymore by creating healthier boundaries.
Know the difference between compromising and compromising yourself. Compromising is finding a solution you can both live with. Compromising yourself is sacrificing your needs, values, and boundaries just to make discomfort stop as quickly as possible. Rushing in with a fix because you can’t tolerate tension is people pleasing and a panic response based on fear, not reality, and it makes things worse because you’ve sold yourself out.

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How to Be Selfish: Reclaiming the Right to Self with Suzy Reading

NATALIE — Fri, 27 Mar 2026 17:04:38 +0000

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I chat with chartered psychologist Suzy Reading, author of How to Be Selfish, about “selfishness” and why reclaiming the right to self is essential for healing our relationship with ourselves and creating reciprocity in our relationships.

We explore how childhood experiences systematically disconnected us from our needs and feelings. From not being allowed to use the bathroom at school to the modern messaging around resilience, gratitude, and post-traumatic growth, these deny authentic human expression and make us feel guilty for struggling. Been afraid that self-care makes you selfish? Felt stuck in the cycle of depletion while waiting for others to notice? Struggling to articulate your needs because there’s so much conversation in your head but little coming out of your mouth? This episode offers permission and practical guidance for living like you matter too.

IN THIS EPISODE…

You’re not selfish by creating healthier boundaries and honouring yourself. The traditional understanding of selfish is someone who prioritises only themselves to the detriment or exploitation of others. But resting after caring for others all day, voicing preferences, saying no to requests, or accepting offered help, these aren’t selfish acts; they’re self-advocacy.
Childhood conditioning systematically disconnects us from our bodies and needs. We’re raised to believe certain feelings and needs make us less than, that compliant is “good” and anything that doesn’t fit is “bad”.
Toxic resilience and gratitude messaging deny authentic human experience. Modern messaging around resilience, gratitude, and post-traumatic growth has twisted into expecting people to be unaffected by life, grow through everything they go through, and feel guilty for struggling when others have it worse. This “suffering Olympics” creates emotional bypassing, where you skip over real feelings to appear resilient, compare your messy insides to others’ polished outsides, and dismiss your own wounds without acknowledging them.
Resentment stems from unvoiced disappointment or an unmet need. When there’s a gap between what you want to do and what you feel obliged to do, resentment builds. For highly sensitive people who naturally read and meet others’ needs before they’re voiced, rage builds when that’s not reciprocated.
Small acts of self-connection have cumulative power. Coming home to yourself doesn’t require elaborate self-care routines. Simple practices like asking “How am I doing today?”, the face hug exercise for tenderness, noticing when you haven’t eaten or used the bathroom, feeling sunlight on your skin, or sending a connection text build into tiny habits that communicate “I’m somebody who pays attention to myself”.

Why Resentment Shows Up and What to Do About It

NATALIE — Fri, 27 Feb 2026 22:15:38 +0000

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I dig into resentment, that simmering feeling that shows up when you’ve said yes from a place of guilt and obligation, inevitably leading to your ignoring, dismissing, and overriding yourself to accommodate someone else or live up to expectations.

I share two recent stories from my own life: one where resentment led to an awkward but necessary conversation that ultimately strengthened my relationship with a loved one, and another where resentment didn’t show up at all. The latter was a stark contrast to how past me would have dealt with the same person and situation.

If you’ve been swimming in resentment, feeling like you’re always the one accommodating, or tired of saying yes when you mean no, this episode offers both understanding of what resentment is telling you and practical guidance on what to do about it – including how to have those awkward conversations and recognise your code amber warnings before you hit the red line.

IN THIS EPISODE…

Resentment is a signal, not a character flaw. Resentment isn’t something to be ashamed of; it’s your boundaries, body, and self trying to get your attention. It’s one of the “people-pleaser feelings” (along with guilt, anxiety, overwhelm, frustration, feeling overloaded or powerless) that show up when you’ve crossed your own line by doing things out of guilt and obligation.
Doing things from a place of guilt and obligation always creates resentment. When you say yes while performing familiar roles (the good daughter, the helper, the fixer, the responsible one) or from fear of consequences, you unconsciously expect something in return.
Resentment reveals what needs to change on your side of the street. When resentment shows up, it’s a cue to come back to base and ask: Where have I sidelined my own needs to accommodate someone else? Where have I slipped into playing a familiar role? What needs to change on my end to embody healthier boundaries? Recognising resentment highlights what you need to confront in yourself and what actions you need to take.
The difference between desire and obligation determines resentment levels. If there’s a gap between what you want to do and what you feel obliged to do, that’s where resentment lives. Operating from your values rather than from guilt, obligation, or seeking approval means you can do generous things without breeding resentment.
Notice your code amber warnings before you hit the red line. If there’s a red line where resentment tips over the edge, there were amber warnings along the way. Those smaller annoyances you rationalise away (“Well, their situation…” “What difference would it make anyway?”) are taking you down the road to resentment. Speaking up earlier prevents buildup.

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Quiet ADHD in Midlife: When You Don’t Fit the Stereotype with Gabrielle Treanor

NATALIE — Fri, 13 Feb 2026 13:39:00 +0000

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I chat with coach and writer Gabrielle Treanor. We dig into ADHD in midlife, particularly for women who don’t see themselves in the stereotypical hyperactive presentation. Gabrielle discovered her ADHD in her late forties after decades of thinking she was “just a bit crap” at certain things. She now supports women through The Quiet ADHD Club, focused on the quieter, more introverted, sensitive women who’ve developed elaborate coping mechanisms to manage undiagnosed neurodivergence.

IN THIS EPISODE…

ADHD presents differently in women, especially the quieter, introverted type. The stereotypical image of ADHD as the “fidgety little boy” excludes many women whose hyperactivity is internal. e.g. the constant whirring mind, overthinking, and contained sensitivity. Women often develop elaborate coping mechanisms and systems to manage features they think are personal failings, so they appear “fine” on the surface while struggling privately.
Why are there more ADHD and other neurodivergence diagnoses now? It’s not because people are jumping on a bandwagon. Research including women in ADHD studies only began in 2002, meaning entire generations went undiagnosed. And it was only in 1980 that it was recognised that adults could have ADHD.
Decades of shame around being “faddish,” disorganised, “a bit crap”, etc. Features like trying multiple hobbies, varied career paths, time blindness, getting distracted mid-task, and struggling with focus become internalised as character flaws rather than understood as neurodivergence. The self-criticism of “you’re just looking for excuses” prevents many from recognising ADHD.
Late diagnosis brings both relief and grief. Understanding ADHD in midlife means realising all those coping strategies weren’t character building but compensation for undiagnosed neurodivergence. There’s grief for the misunderstood younger versions of yourself, for missed opportunities, and for how hard life was when everyone else seemed to sail through. But there’s also profound relief in finally understanding, “Oh, that’s just how I’m built” rather than, “I’m not good enough.”
You don’t have to disclose your ADHD diagnosis or get one at all. Diagnosis isn’t mandatory for getting support (except for medication). You don’t owe anyone disclosure about your neurodivergence if you’re not ready. This is an area where you get agency. You decide what information would be useful, whether that’s reading more, getting diagnosed, telling loved ones, or simply acknowledging it privately and moving on.
ADHD has an interest-based nervous system, not an importance-based one. Neurotypical brains work on importance (these things need doing, so I’ll do them in order). ADHD brains need genuine interest to engage, which explains why some tasks feel impossible while others trigger hyper-focus and diving in wholeheartedly.

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The Beginning of the End: Spotting Your Jump the Shark Moment

NATALIE — Fri, 30 Jan 2026 10:40:50 +0000

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explore the concept of “jumping the shark”, that moment in a TV series when something so ridiculous occurs that it signals the beginning of the end, and how it applies to our relationships, situations, and decisions.

Whether it’s a moment of disrespect from someone else or us doing it to ourselves, these incidents signal we’ve veered way off course from who we are and want to be, or that what we thought we were in isn’t what we believed. I dig into how we often stay in relationships and situations long past their sell-by dates, characterising warning signs as “small things” while telling ourselves we’re being loving, patient, or that it’s a learning opportunity. If you’ve experienced that sinking feeling that signals “the end is nigh” but keep putting it off, or realised you’ve strayed too far from yourself while rationalizing disrespect, this episode offers questions to help you retrace your steps with compassion and jump back into being yourself with genuine love, care, trust, and respect.

IN THIS EPISODE…

We characterise warning signs as “small things” while ignoring, dismissing, and overriding ourselves. Actions not matching words, being deprioritised, lies, drip-feeding, concerns dismissed, lack of loyalty or boundaries. Individually we rationalise these away as “not that big of a deal” or tell ourselves we’re being “too sensitive”.
We frame our tolerance as being loving, patient, or a learning opportunity, not seeing how these individual issues form a clear pattern until the jump the shark moment forces us to look.
Retracing your steps with compassion reveals the code amber and red alerts you missed. When you experience disrespect or disconnect, halt and rewind to the beginning. You’ll see hints of the person’s potential or proclivity to do this all along, those “small things” that actually weren’t small at all.
The biggest mistake is blaming yourself rather than recognising character and changed circumstances. When relationships shift dramatically, don’t make it about your worthiness or what you said or did. It’s their character, their stuff.
The cost of lying to yourself is abandoning yourself. Staying in relationships or situations past their sell-by dates while ignoring disrespect means abandoning yourself, and that pain tops anything else you’ll experience.

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Truth-Telling and Healing: Rewriting Your Life’s Narrative with GG Renee Hill

NATALIE — Sat, 08 Nov 2025 10:00:00 +0000

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I chat with writer and coach GG Renee Hill about the stories and narratives that drive our lives and whether they leave room for hope or keep us stuck in disempowered patterns. GG shares her journey from working in corporate while struggling with undiagnosed anxiety to discovering therapy and writing as pathways to understanding herself, leading to her new book, Story Work.

We dig into what it means to “lose someone mentally before losing them physically,” why we question whether our experiences were “even that bad,” the guilt of making choices others don’t understand, and how telling ourselves the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, is essential for healing. If you’ve ever struggled with victim narratives, defeated storylines, or beliefs that leave no room for hope, this conversation offers both validation and a pathway to rewriting your story in a way that empowers rather than limits you.

Please note: Thanks to having to remove a hiss sound, the audio quality isn’t as strong as usual, but it’s still a fab conversation.

IN THIS EPISODE…

Our inner storylines shape our feelings, thoughts, behaviour, and choices. When we carry defeated narratives like “I’m too damaged” or “I’m too fragile for life,” we live out those limiting beliefs. Examining whether your stories leave room for hope versus keeping you stuck in a victim mentality is crucial for moving forward and becoming who you really are.
Estrangement isn’t a simple choice but often a survival instinct. The shame and judgment from others who don’t understand make it even harder to navigate.
Cultural stigma around mental health and therapy. Growing up with messages that therapy is “what white people do,” that you shouldn’t air family business, and that discussing feelings invites trouble creates barriers to getting help. The pressure to present a polished, put-together persona while struggling internally leads to suppressing pain that needs acknowledgment and processing.
Questioning, “Was it even that bad?” when comparing your trauma to others. Many people who experienced childhood trauma alongside material comfort and moments of love struggle to acknowledge their pain as valid. But minimising your experience because others “had it worse” or because you weren’t aware you were being traumatised at the time keeps you from healing. You must acknowledge both the joy and the pain to integrate your full story.
Healing requires telling yourself the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. The body doesn’t like lies, and living inauthentically creates problems emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Writing helps externalise thoughts so you can see harmful narratives and limiting beliefs clearly. Start by listing what doesn’t feel true in your life right now. You don’t have to act immediately, just build the muscle of honesty with yourself.

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No Contact and Worried About Bumping Into Your Ex? Read This

NATALIE — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 16:57:48 +0000

When you’re No Contact—stepping back from engaging with an ex so you have time to grieve the relationship and put some healthy boundaries in place—you can end up becoming quite stressed about “what if” scenarios.

What if I bump into my ex? Um, what if they call? What if they do this? What if they do that?

These all become a significant source of anxiety, and they also keep you emotionally tied to that person.

Here’s the reality: You could spend months worrying about bumping into your ex without actually bumping into them. That’s just a waste of your time, energy, and emotions.

I learned a lot about No Contact because I did it with an ex who I worked with and had the bonus of his being in my social circle. In fact, for a period during No Contact, we were sitting on the same bank of desks.

At first, I felt exhausted from fending off his attempts at contact and trying to anticipate what might happen next. It soon became clear that his antics and bracing myself for his attempts and drama were taking a toll on me.

When I’d once believed he would sort himself out and finally be with me, his lack of respect for my boundaries would have felt validating, a sure sign he loved me and would step up. But now I just found them tedious, oppressive and anxiety-inducing.

Finding value in all this drama would have been a real distraction from actually getting on with the business of living my life. I realised, for my sake and sanity, that I had to move on and stop basing who I was and my options on what he might or might not do.

Plan for success, not failure

With No Contact, what you’re effectively doing is limiting engagement with the person, not trying to control the uncontrollable and Jedi mind trick them into spontaneously combusting into a better person.

We humans imagine many different, often painful scenarios when we have to do things that feel uncomfortable. It might be catastrophic-thinking territory. And the overwhelming majority of the time, what we imagine around conflict, criticism and rejection far exceeds the reality of the experience.

You can’t predict when you’re going to bump into your ex (unless you’re working with them like I was). However, you can plan for success rather than failure, and plan for calm rather than drama.

There is no perfect reaction. It’s very easy in life to go, “I wish I’d said this” or “I wish I’d done that” because hindsight is 20/20 vision. The reaction is the reaction. The response is the response.

But if you genuinely believe you’re likely to bump into your ex, spend some time—a little time, not obsessing about it—actually coming up with a plan and then stick to that.

Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

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The No Contact Rule

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The ‘And… Move’ Practice

What do you typically do when you find yourself around someone you feel super-awkward or even intimidated around? Maybe you’re like a deer in the headlights. Perhaps you babble all sorts of inane stuff or, despite your abject discomfort, you force yourself to make polite conversation or act like nothing happened. Afterwards, you wind up kicking yourself as you berate yourself for feeling sucked in or you replay, rehash and dissect every moment.

In situations like this, I highly encourage what I call ‘And… Move…’.

I first came up with this practice in 2011 to help people feel safe and confident—boundaried—in anticipated awkward and stressful situations.

In essence: smile lightly or wave, say hello, and… move on.

Keep walking. Go to the bathroom; go chat to your friend; walk with purpose down the street without looking back. Stay in motion, keep walking. Once you’re out of sight, you can take some deep breaths and have all your reactions.

If you have to stop or it’s one of those situations where it’s awkward—maybe you have mutual friends around and you’ve now entered into a level of conversation:

They ask how you are. Say, “I’m doing really great.”
Keep it light, keep it brief.
Don’t offer up details. Let me say it again: no details!
Then you go, “Nice to see you,” and move. Or you don’t even have to say “nice to see you”—you can just go, “Okay, bye,” and… move away.

‘And… Move…’ works even if on the inside it feels like you’re about to keel over and you’re quaking.

Project cool, calm, and confident. Practice the light smile, the hi, the “I’m doing great” a few times in front of the mirror so you get to a calm place—but also so you don’t look like you’re wearing a Halloween mask with a manic smile on your face. Then when you’re in that scenario, you have this ready-made script and plan you can put into place.

Why ‘And… Move…’ Works

Aside from avoiding self-recrimination and being sucked into a dynamic you’re working hard to break away from and heal, you have your own back.

The body doesn’t differentiate between past and present, real and imagined scenarios. If you keep doing dress rehearsals of dramatic scenarios with your ex, not only will you stress yourself out, reinforcing the pattern of your emotional responses, but you will feel powerless and helpless.

By prepping for success instead of failure and not overriding your boundaries, you signal safety to yourself, from and for yourself.

When a ‘panicked’ response is the right one

It’s easy to give yourself a hard time when you feel as if you didn’t have the revenge response you imagine you’re supposed to have. One reader ran in the opposite direction when she bumped into her ex. Just took off.

I explained that it wasn’t the terrible thing she believed it to be because her ex had abused her. Her response was just the instinctive reaction—a fight-or-flight reflex kicking in—and it represented evolution. Her fleeing served her well.

Sure, we can give ourselves a hard time for looking scared or panicked. We hate the idea of someone thinking we’re scared of them. And also, pretending someone is amazing instead of shady and abusive keeps us in the dynamic long past its sell-by date. More importantly, our updated response disabuses them of their delusion that they’re not that bad.

Create Your No Contact Plan mini course

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How to Break Up mini course

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Imagine success, not catastrophe

If you imagine bumping into your ex, that scenario doesn’t have to be you keeling over, grabbing them around their ankles, and winding up in bed with them. It doesn’t have to be that they overwhelm and intimidate you.

You can imagine bumping into your ex as you do the whole smile, wave, say hello and keep moving. You say, “Yeah, I’m doing brilliantly, thank you,” and that’s it.

Imagine yourself as cool, calm, and confident. Imagine yourself as being assertive.

Remember that sometimes we’re afraid of bumping into our ex because we think they still see us as the person we were when we were involved with them. Or we still see ourselves as being that person.

We don’t recognise how we may have evolved since the breakup. If we do bump into our ex, it gives us a fresh opportunity to respond differently.

Plan for success, not failure. Plan for calm, not drama.

You don’t need to rearrange your entire life to avoid the possibility of seeing your ex (unless they pose a danger). Yes, there might be some strategic choices early on, but living in constant fear doesn’t have to be your default.

If you do see them, handle it with grace and boundaries for yourself. Then continue building your life—without them.

Based on Episode 2 of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions (2015). [Listen here].

The post No Contact and Worried About Bumping Into Your Ex? Read This appeared first on Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue.

Tired of Chasing: How to Tell if You’re Ambitious or Just Activated

NATALIE — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 21:22:00 +0000

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I share my realisation from this summer that I’m tired of chasing. I explore how chasing can look like ambition, tenacity, and persistence (all socially sanctioned qualities we’re rewarded for), but is actually often driven by activation of old wounds and people-pleasing patterns masquerading as drive and determination. I dig into why some of us believe things must be hard to be worthwhile, how we over-identify with certain roles (like being an author or a particular type of worker or person), and the difference between being activated versus genuinely ambitious.

If you’ve ever felt caught on a hamster wheel of achieving without internalising any of it, struggled with the belief that things can’t be easy, or recognised yourself throwing efforts at something while losing sight of why you started, this episode offers both validation and a pathway to coming back to yourself.

IN THIS EPISODE…

Chasing often masquerades as ambition, tenacity, and persistence. Additionally, society praises us for these qualities even when we’re miserable as a result and might exploit ourselves to demonstrate them. Of course, the real question isn’t whether you’re ‘ambitious’, but why you’re pursuing something and how you’re approaching it. Hence, are you being triggered into proving your worth, or genuinely moving toward aligned desires?
Efforting as a dominant people-pleasing style breeds exhaustion. Believing making efforts gets you the thing while also proving you’re worthy creates a cycle a vicious cycle. You keep throwing more at situations even when they’re hurting you. This shows up as treating your body like a machine, feeling guilty for resting, and believing that if things come easily, something must be wrong or you’re not trying hard enough.
Over-identifying with roles narrows your perception of options. This makes it hard to pivot, listen to your body’s signals, or recognise other paths that might suit you better because you’re operating in a narrowed lane rather than the wider space actually available.
The belief that things must be hard to be worthwhile creates unnecessary suffering. Many of us equate struggle with value, believing, “It’s not love if it doesn’t hurt”, or that ease means you’re being lazy or scamming somehow. This fear of things being easeful keeps us chasing and makes us suspicious of calm, steadiness, and peace, the very things that would actually nourish us.
Often we’re chasing something we already have in other areas of life, or pursuing things to prove ourselves to people from our past rather than honouring who we are now and want to become.

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How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive People (Without Losing Your Mind)

NATALIE — Wed, 22 Oct 2025 21:13:43 +0000

Many moons ago, a friend and colleague was clearly annoyed with me but wasn’t coming out straight and saying so. Instead, I kept receiving clipped, curt emails, and it felt like they were being obstructive and elusive. I asked several times whether there was an issue. Denials. Crickets. But when it happened again, my patience wore thin, and I called out what was happening: You’ve said X, you’ve been tricky about Y, you’re doing Z, what is going on? And that’s when they finally admitted they were pissed off about something.

What I experienced is something we all engage in at times and that we also experience a lot from others: passive-aggressive behaviour.

We’re frustrated, angry, not in agreement, or resentful but instead of expressing or communicating it directly, we hint at our feelings with obstructionist, resistant and conflicting behaviour. We say one thing and do another, whether it’s saying we’re “okay” while behaving otherwise or claiming we’ll be somewhere or do something knowing full well that we’re not going to.

All humans are guilty of being passive aggressive.

Thanks to growing up during the Age of Obedience where we received conflicting, confusing and sometimes scary messages in childhood about being compliant, not showing feelings, and the importance of telling people what they want to hear, we disconnected from our needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions.

Instead, we engage in a lot of indirect communication and behaviour — aka people pleasing, including perfectionism, overgiving, overthinking, and over-responsibility. We become big-time hinters.

Some of us are habitually passive aggressive, and it can be exhausting to deal with. When we’re on the receiving end of it, we can expend a lot of brainpower trying to decipher what on earth is going on, second-guessing ourselves, or feeling gaslighted.

So while we all have our passive-aggressive moments, when you’re dealing with someone who’s habitually like this, here are three tips that can protect your peace and change the dynamic.

1. Stick to the Facts

It’s important to remember that habitually passive-aggressive folks don’t own up to their behaviour because they don’t see it for what it is.

They’ve become entrenched in the habit because it feels ‘effective’ and protective. They figure if they say how they really feel, they’ll have to deal with other people’s feelings. Passive-aggressive people wear masks that hide their longstanding frustration, anger and resentment that they’ve had to deal with in other parts of their life. It just shows up in certain situations, like with coworkers. It’s their way of quietly rebelling and managing their lives. The passive aggression lets them feel as if they’re in control and they can’t be called out.

If you stick to the facts with someone who’s being passive aggressive, it’s a lot harder for them to wriggle out of whatever the issue is.

Be factual.

You said, and repeat as close to verbatim what they said.
Or, You did, and briefly describe what they did.
You said X, but you did something else.
Yes, technically, you did do what I asked but you did it to such a poor standard or with such agitation, I have to question what’s going on here.

When you present somebody with what they said and what they’ve done, it’s tricky to duck out of, and they have an opportunity to see their behaviour, own it, and be more direct and boundaried. If they want to.

2. Don’t Get Drawn Into Side Issues and Side Arguments

It can be so teeth-achingly annoying to attempt to address something directly with someone only for them to try to sidetrack you with another subject. Maybe they throw in an insult or some random thing that has nothing to do with what’s going on right now.

You can end up getting really frustrated, maybe losing your temper. You’re basically provoked into having exactly the reaction that they want so that they can go, “See, this is why I wasn’t honest” or “This is why I didn’t do [the thing I was never going to do in the first place].”

If they try to divert the conversation, say: “Not sure why you’re bringing that up. But anyway, let’s get back to the issue at hand.”

Or: “Okay, yeah, that happened ages ago. I’m not sure what that’s got to do with right now. Let’s get back to the issue at hand.”

3. Make a Note of Everything

When I work with clients and members who are clearly dealing with someone who’s trying to run rings around them with mind games or passive-aggressive carry-on, I get them to track everything. Particularly if you’re dealing with a coworker (or someone else) who’s making your life miserable and possibly has the potential to impact your job or other relationships (or your wellbeing), note everything. When you feel ground down by the situation, you can refer to your notes and not crazy-make yourself.

If you find that you have a verbal agreement and then they backtrack, get things nailed down on email. You can follow it up and go, “Just to clarify as discussed, blah, blah, blah.”

And if you find that they’re very difficult to pin down to have a conversation, drop them an email. Even if they never reply, then you know you have a record of attempting to deal with an issue with them.

The Joy of Saying No

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The Bottom Line

Look, we’re all guilty of being passive aggressive at times. It’s part of being human with conflicting feelings and imperfect communication skills. But being passive aggressive all the time or dealing with someone who habitually is takes a serious toll on your wellbeing and relationships.

When you’re dealing with passive-aggressive people, remember: it’s not about you; it’s about their pattern of feeling, relating and avoiding conflict and direct communication. You can take care of yourself by avoiding the very hinting you find frustrating. Be direct and boundaried. The tips I’ve shared help you stay in your lane and to hold on to reality.

Don’t tiptoe around them trying to avoid conflict. That’s what they want. Instead, call out what you see, stick to the facts, and document everything. You don’t have to figure out all their feelings for them — that’s their job.

Based on Episode 3 of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions (2015). [Listen here].

The post How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive People (Without Losing Your Mind) appeared first on Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue.

Your Attention is Sacred: How Social Media Makes You Shop for Flaws with Amelia Hruby

NATALIE — Fri, 10 Oct 2025 12:40:34 +0000

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I chat with Amelia Hruby, host of the Off the Grid podcast and author of Your Attention is Sacred Except on Social Media, about our relationship with social media and why it creates so much angst in our lives. Amelia shares her journey from micro-influencer to leaving all platforms in 2021, and we dig into how social media has become entangled with our self-worth, relationships, and work.

Amelia introduces the concept of our subconscious “shopping for flaws and failures” on these platforms, and explains why treating our attention as a sacred resource rather than currency can transform how we engage with technology. Whether you’re wrestling with social media personally or professionally, feeling FOMO, hate-following people, or exhausted by the pressure to perform online, this conversation offers both validation and practical wisdom for reclaiming your attention and living more intentionally.

IN THIS EPISODE…

Social media makes our subconscious “shop for flaws and failures”. When scrolling, we constantly encounter achievements, appearances, and lifestyles we didn’t even know existed moments before, yet suddenly feel inadequate for not having. This creates a cycle where we give our subconscious hundreds of opportunities daily to decide we’re ‘not good enough’.
When you find yourself writing elaborate rules for how to engage with an app (downloading only on specific days, limiting what you share, deleting between sessions), recognise this pattern. The only other time many of us need such rigid boundaries is with toxic, codependent relationships. And most of us wouldn’t willingly stay in those situations.
Our attention is not an economic resource. Social media companies treat attention as currency in the attention economy, but attention is actually a creative, relational, and sacred resource. When you give attention to things you love, it regenerates rather than depletes. Treating attention as something to ‘spend’ rather than intentionally direct leads to feeling drained and disconnected from what matters.
We constantly surveil ourselves and others, watching lives without participating in them, then creating stories about what we see. This passive observation replaces genuine connection and feeds insecurity, FOMO, and belonging wounds from earlier life stages, making us feel perpetually excluded or inadequate.
Despite what friends, colleagues, or the internet tells you, being on social media isn’t mandatory for business success, friendships, or living a full life.

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How Do You Know If You’re Ready to Date Again? (Hint: It’s Not About Timing)

NATALIE — Wed, 08 Oct 2025 19:28:57 +0000

Starting over after a breakup or an extended period of not dating can be incredibly daunting.

How long is it going to take to meet somebody? Is it a big, bad, scary world out there? What if I find it really difficult to cope with dating or do the wrong things? You can end up feeling incredibly panicky, frozen in indecision and anxiety.

When it comes to knowing if you’re ready to date, I recommend the Goldilocks approach: finding the middle ground between bouncing straight into dating with no real reflection or healing and not dating for ages because you’re ruminating or essentially in emotional purgatory.

Why Timing Alone Doesn’t Tell You Anything

Leave it too short and you’re likely escaping yourself, hoping that immersing yourself in someone else will rid you of your buried feelings or help you get over your ex or escape something else you’re avoiding. Don’t assume that because your relationship was, for example, three months, you ‘should’ be over it within one (that whole third-of-the-time rule of thumb that used to get bandied around a lot). What occurred in the relationship and how you treat yourself post-breakup or disappointment impact recovery time.

Leave it too long, though, and that comes with its own problems. It’s not “too long” if you made a conscious, empowered choice. It is “too long” if that period’s based on beating yourself up, building walls instead of boundaries, and avoiding vulnerability. This starves you out emotionally and makes dating feel destabilising.

When you finally date again or catch feelings, it’s like having a meal after several months without one. You think it’s ‘amazing’, but everything is exaggerated and distorted. It can feel ‘do or die’, like your sense of self will collapse if this doesn’t work out.

What Actually Matters When You’re Thinking About Dating Again

At that middle ground, how do you know where you’re at? Here’s what matters.

1. Knowing Yourself

Do you understand your values—what you need, expect, and want to live happily and authentically?

When you have some certainty about who you are, you don’t feel panicky about what’s out there. You know what you’re about.

People who don’t know themselves wake up knee-deep in relationships thinking, “What the hell is going on here?” They’re crazy about someone, but their needs aren’t being met. They don’t have as much in common as they thought.

Knowing yourself is also about knowing your intentions—your ‘why’—including where you’re bullshitting yourself. You go into dating for the right reasons and can spot signs you’re getting carried away or are out of integrity.

2. Trusting Yourself

There’s no point in dating if you don’t have faith in yourself. Self-trust is what allows you to trust others from a healthy place.

People who lack self-trust have their guard up, braced for pain, or go into dating looking for somebody to tell them who they are, immediately putting them on a pedestal. Having walls up creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Outsourcing trust is like jumping into things blindfolded and with your hands tied.

Trust improves with practice and gaining discernment, but that’s tricky if you ignore, dismiss, and override your feelings, thoughts, and needs.

A good gauge of self-trust: the willingness to back and listen to yourself, even when what’s coming up is uncomfortable.

3. Being Present-Based

We all daydream, anticipate the future, and sometimes slip into the past. When we spend too much bandwidth replaying old relationships, trying to right the wrongs of the past, or fantasising, we’re not present—which is precisely what dating requires.

Here’s the test: if you came across something that’s previously been a trigger or blind spot, would you react differently?

Clients say, “I’m ready to date again!” They get on the apps, start talking to someone who mentions the future, and immediately picture their whole life together. Or they feel destabilised by dating, as if their self-esteem is tied to strangers. They’d got to a good place with self-care, but suddenly that goes out the window at the first whiff of romantic interest.

You’ll know you’re in a good place when you sidestep the trigger by responding differently. You talk yourself through it and ground yourself in reality: “Hold on. Let’s keep my feet on the ground. I don’t really know this person yet. Let’s just enjoy it for what it is right now.” You’re mindful of your blind spots.

4. Taking Care of Yourself

Many people see dating as a way of outsourcing their self-care and self-esteem. That’s too much to put on randos or a new relationship.

Relationships are amazing when they’re mutual and can honour the separateness—we each know where we end and the other begins.

Again, know your ‘why’. Dating because you want to and you’re already happy with your life? Great. That ensures you treat yourself with love, care, trust, and respect.

But if you see the apps or a date as your salvation, you’re already hurting yourself. Instead of taking care, you’re abandoning yourself for what you think dating can provide. You put the person on a pedestal, creating immediate imbalance and codependency—which isn’t the same as attraction or love. When you can take care of yourself in and out of a relationship, you are empowered.

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What I Know Now

After 20 years of this work, I know dating readiness isn’t about how long it’s been since your last relationship ended. It’s about whether you’ve done the inner work to understand your part in why that relationship didn’t work or why you approached relationships and yourself in a painful way. Not to blame yourself, but to recognise your patterns and make different choices.

The people who struggle most aren’t the ones who waited “too long” or jumped in “too soon”—it’s what that time represented. They never asked: What was I avoiding by staying in that relationship? What am I trying to avoid by rushing into a new one? What was I avoiding by beating myself up or pining for so long?

Those questions tell you if you’re ready, not the calendar.If you have a good sense of who you are, you can trust yourself, are mindful and can take care of yourself, give dating a shot. There are no guarantees, of course. But you’ll be able to get a sense of whether something’s working for you. You’re in a much better place to find a relationship that’s actually befitting of you. Not sure where you’re at but want to date? Be prepared to listen to yourself and learn as you go. Be willing to opt out when needed.

This post is based on episode 1 of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. [Listen to the full episode here].

The patterns that keep you stuck aren’t permanent; they’re just well-practiced. Break the Cycle helps you understand why you keep ending up in the same relationship with different people.

The post How Do You Know If You’re Ready to Date Again? (Hint: It’s Not About Timing) appeared first on Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue.

Self-Leadership with Ruthie Zerai: How to Stop Living at the Mercy of Others

NATALIE — Fri, 26 Sep 2025 12:00:55 +0000

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I chat with coach and consultant Ruthie about self-leadership–what it means to take full responsibility for managing yourself rather than deferring that power to others. We dig into how people pleasing, cultural conditioning, and performative behaviour (especially for those from marginalised backgrounds) can prevent us from leading ourselves authentically in work, relationships, and entrepreneurship.

Ruthie shares her journey from burnout to building a thriving coaching practice, and we explore how resentment is often a signpost emotion that shows us where we’ve forced ourselves into situations against our will. If you’ve ever felt like you’re living at the mercy of others’ decisions or struggling to find your authentic voice in work or life, this episode offers practical wisdom for reclaiming your power and coming home to yourself.

IN THIS EPISODE…

Self-leadership means taking responsibility for managing yourself rather than deferring that power to others. This involves setting boundaries, clarifying your values, and making active choices about your life rather than passively going along with external expectations.
Resentment is a signpost emotion that shows where you’ve forced yourself into situations. When resentment appears, it signals that you’ve told yourself you have no choice and have overridden your limits. Rather than focusing on feeling wronged, resentment should prompt you to examine where you need to reclaim your agency and say no, even when it feels uncomfortable in the moment.
Cultural conditioning and marginalised identities create additional layers of people-pleasing pressure. Children of immigrants, people of colour, and other marginalised groups often absorb messages about needing to work harder, be “good” representatives, and avoid negative stereotypes. This efforting style of people pleasing becomes performative and exhausting, requiring conscious work to separate authentic values from inherited conditioning.
Work cultures rely on people-pleasing behaviours to function, creating widespread burnout. Many companies depend on employees working beyond their job descriptions, staying late, and taking on responsibilities that aren’t theirs.
Entrepreneurship requires knowing what’s for you and what isn’t, not following someone else’s script. Working for yourself doesn’t automatically mean freedom if you replicate unhealthy patterns or perform at society’s idea of success.

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