When I entered eating disorder treatment in 2009 it was suspected that I had ADD which was covered up by an active eating disorder. There was always a hesitation to put me on any medication for it since most of the effective mediations are stimulants and habit-forming, causing loss of appetite and weight loss, something not good for someone with an eating disorder.  However last Spring my psychiatrist decided it would be ok to try me on Adderall as long as we were careful about the risk of side effects.

I began taking a low dosage of 10mg, which is what I stayed on for my duration on this medication, and immediately felt the positive effects of it.  Ability to focus and lots of energy.  Nevermind the occasional manic feelings, odd sensations in my chest or after too many days in a row on it, difficulty breathing.  My eating disorder immediately latched onto the feeling of “speed,” especially loss of appetite.  That being said I never experienced weight loss, but perhaps stayed at a lower weight for longer than I should have.

In May I began to get worried about the respiratory and perceived heart related side effects and made an attempt to get off of the drug.  After several days of fatigue and some minor weight gain I couldn’t take it anymore.  I jumped back on the Adderall bandwagon more out of worry for my weight than anything else.  I didn’t reveal this to anyone until now.  Sad but true.

Initially I found I could deal with the side effects by taking one or two days off a week, however by the Fall that gave way to 7 days a week on the drug.  Some nights I would vow to not take it again the next day after experiencing worrying sensations, but in the morning the bottle beckoned again and I heeded to its call.  An eating disorder in a pill.

In my return from yoga therapy training and the many changes I have been implementing in my life I decided it was time once and for all to be done with this pill.  I’m not one to like taking prescription medications and alongside the other worries I have about stress on my body I knew that taking a stimulant wasn’t helping anything.  The fact that this $200 a month medication was no longer covered by my new insurance wasn’t helping either! I hadn’t been on the drug for too long of a time and now was as good a time as any to go off of it.  I jumped in.

Two weeks ago I gave my bottle of pills to a friend.  I didn’t want them in the house because I knew if they were there in that moment of weakness I would take them.  So it began.  After maybe one day of being tired I haven’t noticed any of the fatigue-like side effects. In fact I have had more energy than normal!  Wonderful.

What isn’t so wonderful? That other side effect.  Weight gain.  Since discontinuing the medication I have seen a pretty rapid increase in body weight.  Adding that to the couple of pounds that came on after the stress of returning home in January and I am about ready to jump out of my skin…and it doesn’t seem to be stopping.  I’m convinced at this point it hast mostly to do with the medication’s effect, and current lack thereof on my metabolism.  I seeking an answer or remedy to this I go online and only get more frightened.  Massive weight gains of 20-50 pounds seem to be abundant despite reported healthy diet and exercise behavior.

I’m scared. I can’t look in the mirror, I can’t stand the feeling of clothing on my body.

Most would say I could afford to gain a bit of weight and while that in itself doesn’t scare me the way this is happening does.  It feels like a total loss of control.  This also comes at a time where I have made a conscious choice to get back to better eating habits and stepping back a bit from working out so much.  It would be so easy to fall back into that right now, but I’m not going to.  I’m not.  So I try to breathe.  I try to sit with it. I try to practice what I preach.

Acceptance of what is.  And this is what is.  I can make a choice to embrace or continue to run.

I’m working on that embrace.

The time not spent teaching classes has been spent engaged in yoga therapy training, offering practice sessions, reading, and writing papers.  As it turns out this workload is almost akin to a master’s program!  Since I can’t seem to get enough yoga I also have dived head on into furthering my own knowledge of the science and anatomy of the yoga,downloading and going through almost every yoga article in PubMed and in the access I have to peer reviewed journals, for which I have big plans in using!!

I also officially have formed my company, Balancing on Two Feet Yoga, LLC in the state of Ohio!  This has been very exciting and I am working on a logo and a big website overhaul.  I’m hoping for the change here to make an appearance by April.

As you may imagine it has been hard to find the time or energy to sit down to blog. I’m hoping eventually to become more regular again in this endeavor.  As other bloggers have noted it can be hard to live a full life on the outside when so much time is spent in the virtual world of blogging.  It is a full time job (and not paying!) to grow a blog and while I love the writing and the connections it isn’t realistic to think I can do it everyday or more than once or twice a week right now.  Sure there are some that do it, but I don’t think that forcing myself to write in that vein would be authentic to who I am!   My focus needs to be on my yoga offerings, my study, my friends, and a certain relationship that has found its way back into my life!

Stay tuned folks for lots of excitement ahead!

2. Yoga is about you.  It doesn’t matter what the person on the mat next to you is doing.  Pay attention to yourself, your body and your mind.

3. Yoga is not about your visual appearance. Is there a mirror in the room? Forget it even exists.

4. Yoga is not a passive practice.  Finding balance and flexibility comes from the selective engagement of certain muscles depending on the poses.  Learning about how to activate these muscles is a long and never-ending journey. Enjoy it.

5. Yoga is about learning to listen to your body.  A little challenge can be good at times, but this practice is not about pushing.  Advancement in asana comes slowly, millimeter by millimeter.  Yoga is a practice, not a perfection.

6. Yoga is not about achieving certain poses.  While it can be fun and inspirational to have something to work towards, pushing too hard or too fast doesn’t serve you.  Learn the alignment, the muscle activation, and the bandhas(energy locks).  That being said, all bodies are not made for all poses. We all have different bone structures and ranges of motion.  This can allow or limit certain postures.  Become unattached to the results.

7. Yoga is very different from how we in the West live our lives.  We are forward racing with rapid breathing and carry ourselves with closed hips, and with contracted chests .  Yoga involves slowing our pace, being aware of and controlling the breath, opening the hips and chest, and strengthening the back. Jumping into a too advanced class can be too much no matter how simple some of the postures may seem.  This can shock our bodies.

8. In that vein if you are new to yoga have you been to a beginner class or series?  This is a much-needed place to start.  As an instructor I can best serve you if you have already been to one!

9. Videos or online classes can be a great way to discover new postures, sequencing, and instructors, but the best way to learn is in a real live class, especially for a beginner.

10. Yoga is about discovering an awareness of your body in space and time.  Being inverted (upside down) or told to pay attention to movements in your back body can be awkward.  Create space for that learning curve.

11.You know your body better than anyone.  Yoga is about learning to hear that voice and step into the awareness of your body in space and time!

The following points are specific to my classes and important for your well-being.

12. Do you have something going on with your body?  Strains, sprains, aches, pulls, surgical happenings, replacements, pregnancy, or anything else?  Please let me know before class so again I can best adjust the practice to your needs

13. If you need clarification about something always ask!  I’m always available before and after class and more than happy to answer questions. If I don’t’ know the answer I will find out!

14.  Almost every pose has a modification.  If you are not yet able to maintain the full posture please take the modification!  Not building up to the full pose with the necessary strength and alignment is like building a skyscraper and missing all the floors between the ground and the top.

15. I offer physical assists but your body is yours and if you ever need something to be different or if something doesn’t feel right please let me know immediately.

16. Physical assists are amplifications of the postures that otherwise couldn’t be achieved. They are not about you doing something wrong.  Afterwards muscle memory can sometimes take over and you can now get to these deeper places on your own.

17. Don’t be afraid of your breath!  Explore it and make it heard!  Expand your belly and your mind!

18. Injury is real and does happen in yoga.  Follow the above and you will minimize your risk.

19. If you are practicing  3 or more times a week or if you are practicing less, but have a powerful practice you may want to invest in a good mat.  Cheaper mats don’t offer much cushion and often don’t have a good grip.  Manduka and Jade are both good brands to look into.

20. Have fun!  Yoga is your playground!

Photo Credits: healthjockey.com, yoganora.wordpress.com, followtheyogi.com

The definition of gossip is a rumor or report of an intimate nature, while the definition of slander is the utterance of false charges or misrepresentations which defame and damage another’s reputation. Quite a difference there and while it may seem that slander is of a much more deviant nature gossip can be equally as damaging.  As it spreads it gains momentum and even with no intention of damaging another it often does.

With the most recent scandal of a few days ago rocking the yoga world and the decision by elephant journal, for which I write, to not publish it got me thinking.  What are we really doing with all the talk and what role does it play in our lives?

Admittedly when I first received a text from a friend regarding this juicy information I jumped to check it out.  I then hopped over to elephant journal to see how it was exploding there and was surprised to find a gaping void.  Why hadn’t this broken here yet?  What was going on?  I could have chosen to write something up and hit “publish,” and I often do, dropping whatever else I’m doing to get the latest out there.  This scandal even resonated with me as I had funny vibes about the individual named when I took a workshop with him, actually leaving early because of it.  However for reasons unbeknown to be I didn’t.  At the time I didn’t think much of it, e-mailing one of the other staff to see if they had seen what was going on and indicating that maybe someone should write about it, just not me.  In retrospect I was listening to my body and my mind.  It knew this wasn’t right to write about at this time.

I went to the yoga texts to look more into this and  first went to the yamas, which are the five restraints which are suggestions about how to show up in our lives in order to facilitate a journey to a high consciousness.  The yamas of Ahimsa, Satya, and Aparagraha resonated with me here in relation to gossip and slander.

Ahmisa or non-violence. This refers to non-violence is all aspects of our lives, showing up in what we eat, how we act towards ourselves and how we act towards others.  Spreading gossip or slander definitely violates this.  Is there a satisfaction that comes with spreading these idle words?  How does it really serve us in our life?  I would argue that it doesn’t at all.

Satya or truth. This applies in spread words and ideas that we don’t know to be true.  Lying without knowing we are lying and lying to ourselves about how this gossip resonates within.  Often the gossip and slander that seems important to us is symbolic of something that really is within ourselves.  What sticks with us on the outside is simply a mirror of what lies within, both consciously and unconsciously.  Perhaps this is something to consider the next time an opportunity to perpetuate what we don’t know to be truth comes our way.

Aparagraha or non-attachment. This has several connotations but in terms of gossip and slander and is the non-attachment to what isn’t ours.  Most of these stories have nothing to do with us.  Indeed we may not even know the individuals about whom we are talking.  Again for what reason does it seem so important here to continue the spread of false truth?  To hang onto these external attachments means to create less space for us to manifest to full consciousness in our own lives.

We all deviate from these yamas, some more than others, and I am not an exception. We do however have a choice in this. We can go left, right, or find the middle way. Perhaps it is time to think a bit more before we open our mouths or hit publish.  What do you think?

Photo Credits: skinnyvscurvy.com, authentic-self.com

My session was with Renee Groenemann, one of the owners of Grace Tree Yoga & Growth Studio. The session took place at the studio, a beautiful house that has been remodeled into a yoga studio with two separate rooms for classes as well as a room for private lessons.  With the temperatures hitting the 60′s and the sun beaming through the windows it couldn’t have been a more perfect day.  In addition to receiving a session I also “gave” a session to Renee as part of my training in order to get feedback from another who deeply understands this process.

As my session began I felt the flood gates open, not necessarily in terms of tears, but in terms of letting go.  As we sat in our centering I started to deeply feel emotions and sensations that I had been running from in my body.  Feelings of loss, loneliness, knotted anxiety.  As I spoke of them a lump the size of a tennis ball developed in my throat.  I became aware of things I had been stuffing since I returned home from Vermont, things that had been filling up my bleachers for far too long manifesting as a dense heaviness feeding into darkness and depression.

While I won’t go into the details of my session I will say that Renee offered me some very edgy postures that facilitated deep-rooted release.  These weren’t postures that I learned in training, but instead were a more creative bent on what I needed while still maintaining the integrity of the work.  This is something that we are encouraged to do as we become more skilled practitioners.  She also offered a few mini-integrations throughout the process.  Drawing things together and encouraging me to sit (or stand!) at edges that seemed scary and uncomfortable.  At one point I actually got the image of crows flying out from my shoulders, darkness leaving my body and creating room for light and growth.

I left our session feeling stronger, more able, and calmer than I have in quite a long time.  Things didn’t seem so daunting as I drove back to Columbus.  I wasn’t in a hurry to get anywhere, I was able to stop and get food for lunch, taking care of myself, and most notably the depression that has been setting in each day around noon didn’t happen.  I thought maybe it would come later, but it never did.

My mom posed a question to me yesterday relating a PRYT to a massage.  How does it compare?  I answered that the release from this type of work is much deeper than any massage I’ve ever gotten.  For me a massage has usually been just a physical relaxation.  My mind is still stuck and full even though my body is at ease.  This is still very valuable, but again not as deep.  PRYT integrates so much more.  A true mind, body, emotional, and spirit connection.  It works.  I don’t know why, I just know it does.

If you are in Columbus and are  interested in receiving yoga therapy sessions please contact me at hannah.siegle[at]gmail.com.

Much love and light to all.

Ever since I returned home I have been going though a lot of internal change and it has been hard to decide what I want to blog publicly about versus keep to myself, after all I’m not a completely open book.  I’ve had a lot going on externally as well, which I seem to be focusing on in my blogging.  Perhaps it is easier to talk about all that stuff than what is deeper.  What is deeper however is this late night Glamour shot!  Old Mr. Dragon Breath!

I’ve become very aware of many feelings, both physical and mental that have been residing below the surface.  I suspect that many of these aren’t new, but are rather making themselves heard.  New and odd.  As mentioned I’ve also been dealing with the post-PRYT weight gain.  Small, yes, but nevertheless disturbing and disconcerting.  I pretty sure it is due to hormonal or metabolic repercussions for not eating enough while I was gone.  Belive it or not one can gain weight from not eating, especially if they are someone whose body is used to that game.

I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t shed tears over this.  My body is out of my control.  Something terrifying and scary. even amidst all the work that I have done.  It is signaling that it will do whatever it wants, whenever it wants.  It.  Referring to my body as a thing, somewhat disconnected from me.  I’m working hard to accept what is going on and regain the sense that my body and myself are not really two distinct entities.  This disconnect is an illusion as is so much in life.  It is one and the same.

In the flurry of ongoing’s I have been putting a lot of time and energy into remaining grounded so that I can show up as a yoga instructor and leave all of that on the bleachers to come back to later.  The funny thing about bleachers is that I have to come back to it.  If I just let them fill up they will collapse.  Major liability there!

I’m not one to ask for things, but any support here would be much appreciated!  Love, light, and healing to all!

In my last post I mentioned that there is more to live for than the fear of subcutaneous fat, something that most can probably relate to.  We live in a society that has demonized this very valuable and necessary tissue.  We pinch it, poke at it, grimace at the sight of this harmless tissue on our bodies.  We hide beneath baggy clothing, scoff if it hangs over the waist of our pants, cut it out of pictures, and waste endless hours trying to burn it away, only fighting against the natural balance of our bodies.  I’ve perhaps spent more time than most engaged in these self-centered pursuits, and for what?  My reasons are somewhat biologically based and rooted much deeper in my eating disorder, but that doesn’t excuse these behaviors.  I am most definitely not healthier, stronger, or more beautiful for any of it.  Indeed I am less healthily, have lingering physical problems and at the ripe old age of 29 I have osteoporosis.

Subcutaneous fat is not the devil it is made out to be and in fact 70-80% of our fat is subcutaneous!  It is NOT the cause of illness or disease.  This is caused by visceral or abdominal fat which is what is packed between organs.  This visceral fat raises the levels of free fatty acids in the bloodstream which can then go on to clog arteries, causing heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, or other health issues.

Visceral Fat vs Subcutaneous Fat

Someone who has little extra subcutaneous fat (to which I’m now just referring to as fat) may be healthier than someone who exists at a low body fat percentage.  A lack of fat can cause problems with metabolism, hormones, a susceptibility to getting sick, they can bruise easily, and for women a lack of period and low bone density.  Fat is protective and much needed!

A female typically deposits their fat around their hips, thighs, and buttocks and having fat shouldn’t dictate our feelings towards ourselves if we can’t fit into skinny jeans designed for a 10-year old.  Should we starve ourselves or exercise our bodies into the ground to hear the satisfaction of the zipper closing? I think not.

In other totally unrelated news my phone had an interesting message the other day  I’ve been getting a plethora of signs from the universe sine I’ve arrived home from Bristol.  As I sat in a waiting room at the doctor’s office I pulled out my phone to play a word game where you connect letters on a 5×5 grid, however my phone had better ideas.  Smack in the middle of the screen were the unmistakable words:

EAT ME.

Seriously.  I can’t make this stuff up.

Photo Credits: thelifeathletic.com, dnfitness.wordpress.com

My immediate reaction was “Yes, get the word out!” but as I took a pause and read the flurry of activity surrounding it I realized that this montage suggests that “real woman” can’t be skinny, something that simply isn’t true.  While many may not like it there are healthy, skinny woman out there.  Skinny woman who don’t have curvy hips or voluptuous breasts, woman who are still as beautiful as any counterpart.  Let’s face it.  All woman are beautiful.  Fat, thin, skinny, average, and everything in between.  And guess what?  We are all real woman.

That being said, several of the woman in the above picture do have well documented eating disorders or body image issues (but what woman doesn’t?), and even the women pictured in the “Hotter Than This” photos almost all have body shaping gear on as if to suggest that what their natural shape is still isn’t good enough.  While I still wouldn’t take the step of denying them the status of womanhood I would argue that images of bodies, especially those who are going through times of  disordered eating or sickness, thin or fat, shouldn’t be paraded around as normal or healthy.  THese images can be and are disturbing and don’t need to further dig us into the hole of Photoshopping, plastic surgery, or general body dissatisfaction that is present in our modern times.

In rebuttal to this picture the following montage appeared this morning:

The pictures are in the same vein, (and all Photoshopped), but the message is different and I couldn’t agree more!

This comes at a good time for me as I digest everything that has happened over the past month.  I’ve never felt so in my body before and while it is a welcome place to reside having so much feeling both mentally and physically is quite a switch.  In a rebound from not taking care of myself for some time I’ve seen the numbers on the scale creep up since coming home (yes, yes throw it out right?) and it is hard not to react to this.  I’m sitting with these feelings and sitting in these sensations.   As I recognize and confront what once seemed insurmountable and uncomfortable starts to shift and abandon its hold.  So what if the numbers change?  So what if my clothes are different?  These material and external things aren’t where life vibrates, aren’t’ where the warmth of my heart or the manifestation of my soul appear. They are only dark illusions that have filled my space for far too long.  I can make the choice to turn my back and walk the other way.

That isn’t to say that these thoughts don’t  still try to lure me back, but it is my choice to move forward and move towards authenticity and a full and happy life.  No gym requirements or bizarre food behaviors allowed.  I have my breath, my body, and my spirit.  This is where my roots are and where I grow.  I’m choosing to abandon my “recovery” ideal of living on the edge of health.  If that is where I end up fine, but if it isn’t what happens then so be it.  I have more to live for than subcutaneous fat.  Of course an eating disorder isn’t really about the subcutaneous fat, but putting it in such blunt terms sure sounds ridiculous, right?

How is your relationship with your body?  Have you noticed it evolving over the years?

Photo Credits: Facebook

As part of this I’ve decided to let go of my very part-time job tutoring in Columbus City Schools.  While I did enjoy the work when I was there, a lot of the logistics weren’t working out well.  Rushing there and then rushing out to teach on most days was driving me crazy.  Not good for someone who is very vata! I am also picking up 3 more yoga classes and with adding in all my Phoenix Rising work of at least 20 hours a week this flying around like a mad woman wasn’t going to fly!

I’m also trying to figure out how to untether somewhat from technology.  While I love blogging and networking I am feeling that some of it has become a bit much.  In trying to reach out to others, connecting with those also on a healing journey, as well as to those in and around the yoga world I have somewhat lost sight of myself and where I, Hannah, fit in with all of that.  It can be exciting and addicting to see readership grow and while there is value in it I also don’t like becoming attached to the statistics and numbers and always trying to hit the ceiling of the “biggest day” my blog had or of trying to push it forward in some inauthentic way.  I feel like I always have to be on and at the forefront of the next big story that may be connected to eating disorders or yoga.  I am not a journalist and being in this mode is exhausting!  Add to that my bazillion RSS feeds that I follow and I don’t have much of a day left over!

There are many interests I want to follow in the yoga world and I need more real time in order to do this. Perhaps by unplugging somewhat I can become more plugged into my passions!  Yoga philosophy, anatomy and physiology, learning Sanskrit and continuing to grow as a teacher.  I am still intending to blog regularly but may not be as plugged in inother capacities.  A great quote I read yesterday sums this up.

“Technology is the God that limps.  It thrives on reason but suffers from a dearth of wisdom.”

No matter what we do technology will always be a left-brain dominated pursuits.  It takes the whole and makes it into parts, dividing and organizing in a linear fashion.  Like the left-brain it is at times helpful, but when too dominant it can lead to being unbalanced.  We need some of the right-brain pursuits in concert with the left to find our best path.  I invite you to embark on this with me.

On a related note here is an amazing clip of a TED talk relating to this left-right brain talk.  An amazing story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyyjU8fzEYU

Somewhere between Columbus and Vermont I lost my script.  Maybe I left it at the airport in Washington, Burlington, Cleveland, or perhaps it floated out the window as I flew above the snow-capped mountains and sunset lit skies.  Whatever the case I lost it and I don’t want it back.  I’ve forgotten my lines and instead of thinking forward to what will be, planning, anticipating, waiting, I move to a place where I can live in the moment.  The idea that we know what is to come is an illusion.  I have planed and planned for some much of my life.  Fighting for perfect, linear alignment, but the truth is that nothing is linear and alignment is only fleeting.  Instead I move to embrace what is, no matter the shape, color, way, or method in which it comes. Ritual and routine have a place, but to become attached to them is only a set-up for failure.

This morning as I sat in reflection this idea of non-attachment, or vairagya is what stood out to me.

1.15 When the mind loses desire even for objects seen or described in a tradition or in scriptures, it acquires a state of utter (vashikara) desirelessness that is called non-attachment (vairagya).

Interestingly vairagya is often spoken about alongside practice or abhyasa.

1.13 Practice (abhyasa) means choosing, applying the effort, and doing those actions that bring a stable and tranquil state (sthitau).

Through my practice I move towards becoming aware of my actions, thought patterns and tendencies; this awareness is where ritual and routine are important.  They cultivate the ability to discern the actions, speech, and thoughts that move me down the right path towards non-attachment, not only in moving away from that which does not serve but ultimately in never taking it on in the first place.  This is vairagya.

I find that I don’t feel attached or drawn to so much of what I left in Columbus.  I wasn’t jumping up and down this morning at the first opportunity to make it to the gym.  I wasn’t excited to numb out again and return to my old ways.  No, instead I sat.  I sat and I felt.  I felt awkward and big, almost as if my body became a giant triangle at my waist, the energies of the unknown spilling over my boundaries, in my mind enlarging the confines of my body.  Perhaps something I could interpret as being fat, gaining weight.  I felt unsure of what step to take next.  How to facilitate the movement, the flow, of my life into something that is more authentic.

If I had chosen to become enmeshed right away in the distraction of movement I would have missed the small flicker of excitement at reclaiming myself, the idea of nourishing and resting myself as I know I need.  Indulging in self-care beyond a massage or a manicure.  Self-care becoming self-love.  Something lost along the way.

Self-love.  No, not a selfish ideal, but instead selfless.

As I went through the day today I had a calmness about me that I haven’t felt in a long time.  Yes I did work out, but even then I wasn’t attached to what I was doing.  In the moment it felt good to move and lift weights, but if tomorrow doesn’t allow for that movement or if tomorrow my body doesn’t want to do it then so be it.  I’m choosing to listen to the vibrations of my soul, rather than the chatter in my head.  Will each day be this easy to choose one over the other, no, but that is also ok.  I am here and here I am. What is happening now?

Elissa Cobb, the director of Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy, posed a question that is resonating strongly with me and I pose it now to you:

What if your life became your spiritual practice?

Photo Credit: Acidcow.com