Balasticman

Religious Bigot or Nationalist Fascist - Which to Favor?

2019-02-15T09:11:00.000+01:00

This is not a question that has any semblance of justification in the modern world, and yet this is the all-too-familiar, contrived dichotomy distinguishing good from bad in Egypt today:

‘If you are traveling abroad and you could either reside with a Muslim regardless of his nationality, or an Arab regardless of his religion, which would you prefer?’ ‘If given the choice, would you kill 100 Egyptians or 100 foreigners?’

Church Building Boom in Egypt

2016-08-26T15:24:00.001+02:00

On occasion of reaching "full consensus" on the draft law regulating the construction and repair of churches in Egypt, the Government has released a picture of the prototype of the places of worship that may be soon built across the country. It is anticipated that up to three of the ten square-metered churches will be fast-tracked for construction within the next twenty-five years, subject to obtaining the requisite permits from the seventeen involved ministries. The issuance of the draft law follows months of transparent engagement with the public. Though no one has yet seen the actual text, the law is said to be based on internationally-recognized standards for the building of nuclear facilities for housing leper colonies in earthquake prone city centers. It is expected to receive unanimous approval of the Parliament.

Phelps and the Global Conspiracy against Egypt and Ahly

2016-08-16T14:49:00.002+02:00

Citing widely-circulated photographs of U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps flashing a four fingered salute after completing the 200 meter individual medley in the Olympic Games being held in Rio de Janeiro, Medhat El-Ghaby, spokesman for Egypt's Ministry of Truth, who doubles as goalkeeping coach for Ahly, decried the systemic conspiracy against the Egyptian state and Ahly. Speaking to a group of three Brazilian pensioners who congregated at the Egyptian consulate in Rio on occasion of "Free Kofta Day", El-Ghaby issued a somewhat disjointed statement, declaring that "[a]s everyone knows, holding up four fingers in this manner is a symbol of the mass suicide committed by the terrorist Muslim Brotherhood organization that has cunning agents masquerading as Olympians. This has caused Egypt not to win any gold medals and made Ahly -- which is Egypt -- lose both the Egyptian Cup final and drop out of the Champions League. Egypt and Ahly -- which is batal el qarn -- will not stand for this, end of statement."

When asked to comment why Phelps also held up five fingers upon winning his fifth gold medal of the Games, El-Ghaby responded "Oh" and then departed.

Fantasy Island

2016-04-11T11:04:00.002+02:00

Following the uproar surrounding a deal struck by Egypt to transfer sovereignty to Saudi Arabia of the Tiran and Sanafir islands located at the adjusted maritime border between the countries, Egyptian authorities have announced the acquisition of Fantasy Island. Fantasy Island -- referred locally as Fandazee -- will allow Egyptians to live out their dreams, with a minimal entrance fee. The undisclosed fee is payable only in US Dollars, with proceeds set aside for a state-controlled fund with undisclosed objectives.

Za blane is coming, za blane is coming!

Being Egyptian

2016-03-15T10:20:00.001+01:00

What does it mean to be an Egyptian?

It means knowing that Cameroon and Mowkawleen goalkeeping great, Joseph-Antoine Bell, will forever be Bill Atwan.

Brave Heart Comes to Cairo

2016-02-23T18:31:00.001+01:00

Everything is Perfect in Egypt

2015-11-09T14:44:00.000+01:00

In an effort to bolster its damaged image, Egypt's Ministry of Truth announced it has retained the Sopranos family to enforce the new "Everything is Perfect in Egypt" campaign. To encourage participation, Paulie will partner with local hit-man Mustafa Ziftaway to whack whining journalists who fail to report on the country's unrivaled excellence.

Egypt not perfect enough for you?

Massive Voter Turnout

2015-10-19T15:44:00.002+02:00

Refuting reports of low voter turnout in Egypt's parliamentary elections, state media pointed to lines with wait times stretching over three hours to enter voting booths in the southern district of Sohag.

Qesm El Awal, Sohag

When challenged to explain exactly where in Sohag the circulated photo allegedly was taken, spokesman Abdullah El-Ziftway admitted that the picture was of a line at the World Expo in Milan, Italy. El-Ziftawy noted that the picture was nonetheless appropriate, given the persons were queuing to enter the popular Feeding the Planet-themed exhibition, in which an official Egypt pavilion celebrating the 4,000 year old achievements of ancient Egyptian civilization is included among dozens of others. "The excitement generated by Expo 2015" -- which is expected to attract over 20 million visitors before it closes on October 31 -- "underlines global support for our government", El -Ziftaway added.

EXCLUSIVE: Pac-Man in Homs

2015-10-12T12:36:00.002+02:00

Acknowledging his mistake in confusing a grainy upload from the video game Apache: Air Assault with real life footage of Russian airstrikes in Syria, leading Egyptian strategist Ahmed Moussa led off his his daily talk show with exclusive video showing Russian ground troops entering the contested city of Homs. In the video still, Russian commandos disguised as Pac-Man can be seen literally eating up enemy troops.

"The ability to swallow up U.S.-Saudi-Qatari-Turkish conspirators Blinky, Inky, Pinky and Clyde with a single power pellet, and also devour the enemy-planted cherry, reveals the powers of Russian troops" declared Moussa. Moussa predicted the ground operations would be over after Level 9.

Klopp to Ahly

2015-10-06T12:50:00.000+02:00

EXCLUSIVE

Mokhtar El-Tetsh, Cairo, Associated Bress

Klopp

Egyptian football club Ahly, the self-proclaimed Club of the Century, today announced the appointment of Jurgen Klopp as its next manager. The hotly sought-after Klopp succeeds Fathi Mabrouk, following a disappointing season in which Ahly failed to win at either the domestic or international level.

Errata

Kulot

Earlier reports of of the appointment of Jurgen Klopp have proven incorrect. The error appears attributed to a club insider who was overheard stating the need to change his kulot, after watching South African Orlando Pirates score a fourth goal in the Ahly net during a recent match in Suez. Ahly will instead be led by Abdel Aziz Abdel-Shafy, popularly known as Zizo.

The Day Egypt Changed

2015-09-22T18:01:00.002+02:00

Coming on the heals of a dominating league campaign, the final whistle that formalized Zamalek's mauling of Ahly in the Cup final, marked the point hope for real change might finally start to come to Egypt.

Ahly is the core symbol of Egypt's corrupt soul, unshakable through all of the tumult of the country's modern history by surviving, co-opting and bribing its way to one title after the other. That pompous, deceitful and negative "Ahly is Egypt" has been crushed.

In its place is an electric, creative and exciting Zamalek, full of all the hope and promise that has been so long repressed by Ahly and its official cohorts, just as such positive energy has been ever-tyrannized in Egyptian society at large.

Zamalek's victory is a victory for a new, better and brighter Egypt.

A victory for Egypt

Egypt Cup Stadium Update

2015-09-09T11:27:00.006+02:00

BREAKING NEWS

Road 82, Maadi, Associated Bress

Ending weeks of searching for a suitable site to host the 2015 Egyptian Cup semi-final and final matches, the Egyptian Football Federation (Itihad El Zift) today announced that the Maadi Canal School has been selected for the concluding stages of Egypt's oldest football tournament. Maadi Canal School -- which promotes itself as "Canal Scools - Canal Schools best language schools in Egypt" -- boasts a newly laid dirt field off Road 82 in the Cairo suburb of Maadi.

The semi-finals pit Ahly against Petrojet on September 16 and Zamalek versus Smouha on September 17. The Cup final will be played on September 21. All match dates are subject to coordination with the pending Parliamentary election cycle, and Ahly receiving satisfactory assurances that they will not be further humiliated following their atrocious League campaign.

Up to seven spectators from each side will be permitted to attend the matches, and will be provided with gift backpacks from local sponsor Adam Bookshop.

Cup ready

July 13 Revolution

2015-07-13T20:55:00.000+02:00

East Benha - Associated Bress

Organized celebrations

Authorities today decreed July 13 "Half-way Revolution Day". When asked to explain the reason for the new holiday, General Afifi explained that given the downtime between the July 3 and July 23 celebrations, it made sense to bridge the gap with another mid-way commemoration of the country's "Arab Summer" democratic-military takeovers. Moreover, he noted the leadership views the citizenry as so lazy and useless, that giving them another day off would avoid the need to turn on air conditioning in ministry buildings on a hot day.

Officials have warned that they will aggressively enforce the anti-terrorism decree banning any "excessive behavior" on Half-way Revolution Day, including, without limitation, walking too quickly.

Ahly vs. Zamalek

2015-07-07T16:53:00.002+02:00

Oh what a difference a finger makes

Zero Vote Revisionism

2015-06-05T10:48:00.003+02:00

Stadio Zero El Dawly

So now we know why Egypt's 2010 World Cup bid failed so spectacularly. It was all due to FIFA corruption that slighted the stellar stadium and organizational skills that Egypt possesses...

When the Egyptian Football Association calls out others for corrupt activities, you really know that world football has been corrupted.

Party Likes It's 1962

2015-05-25T22:38:00.001+02:00

The clock on economic policy in Egypt (and for what counts these days as governance more generally) is not being turned back to 2010, 1990 nor even the 1970s - it's going all the way back to the command and control hey-days of the early 1960s.

It was a failure then. It is a failure now.

Neatly stored cans

Criminal Justice

2015-05-17T09:30:00.000+02:00

What is going right in Egypt?

2015-05-10T14:54:00.000+02:00

Sir Alex Ferguson in Ahly

2015-05-04T14:22:00.000+02:00

BREAKING NEWS - Alex Ferguson confirmed as new coach of Ahly. Citing club insiders, Sir Alex was quoted as being excited of the opportunity to coach "batal el qarn" in its ambition to win the league title.

UPDATED - Ahly officials have corrected a story released twelve seconds ago. "Sir Alex" should read "El Badry Basha" and the "ambition to win the league title" should read "hope to finish ahead of Wadi Degla".

UPDATE 2 - Following news of El Badry Basha turning down the offer, Homer Simpson has emerged as a front runner to coach "batal el qarn." Asked to comment on the news report, Homer -- whose name sounded out in Arabic is suitably close to the pejorative "donkey" -- stated if he takes over, Hossam Ghaly will be moved into a more attacking midfield role and Sherif Ekramy will be replaced by Barney.

Cotch Donkey?

Before there was Nasser

2015-04-14T10:36:00.001+02:00

A recent and glorious history so far removed from the destruction of the past sixty years that it seems it never existed. And yet, it did.

The Joint Arab Farce

2015-03-29T19:40:00.000+02:00

Fiction

...and fact

The mentality of إشمعنى أنا

2015-01-12T19:48:00.003+01:00

The mentality of modern Egyptian society can be summed up in one conveniently escapist and all-encompassing word: إشمعنى.

إشمعنى I have to stand in line, if no one else does?

إشمعنى I should pay taxes, if no one else does?

إشمعنى I should allow the ambulance to pass me, if no one else does?

إشمعنى I should work my way up the ladder instead of using a wasta, if no one else does?

إشمعنى I should hold on to my used tissue and dispose of it in a garbage bin five meters away instead of just tossing it out the window, if no one else does?

إشمعنى I should be told not to blow my cigarette smoke straight into your face, if everyone else does?

إشمعنى I should accept criticism of our pristine courts, if O.J. Simpson was found not guilty?

إشمعنى I should listen to lectures on democracy, if President Bush was elected by hanging chads?

إشمعنى I should care if our police officers kill one or two or a thousand protesters, if it happens in Ferguson and New York City?

إشمعنى I should sympathize with the death of a few Europeans at the hands of terrorists, if Europeans (and we, but let's not digress) don't sympathize with the thousands killed by terrorists here?

إشمعنى I should tolerate any criticism of my religious tenants, if the Crusaders also abused Christian teachings in the Middle Ages?

إشمعنى I should bear any personal or societal responsibility for anything at all?

إشمعنى أنا يعني؟

Ahly, Zamalek and Everything That is Wrong with Egypt

2015-01-01T16:36:00.000+01:00

A few years ago, Ahly fans starting taking signs to the stadium -- back when spectators were actually allowed to attend matches -- professing that "Ahly is Egypt". This slogan was added to the even more ambitious declaration of Ahly as the global "Club of the Century". But if batal el qarn is a laughable proclamation, in many ways Ahly indeed is Egypt.

Ahly is an Egypt that is corrupt, arrogant and classless. It is an Egypt that thrives on domestic trickery, and that is an utter failure when tested outside its controlled local and regional environment. It is an Egypt that churns out tacky and shallow illusions of grandeur. It is an Egypt that is not just. Ahly is an Egypt of quantity and no quality.

Zamalek is Ahly's and Egypt's flip-side. Zamalek is an Egypt of endless potential that is stunted by chaotic leadership. Zamalek is an Egypt of fine art and style, dusted over by brutish and tainted authorities. Zamalek is an Egypt that produces world class stars when liberated from the suffocation of Egypt. Zamalek is an Egypt that refuses to conform to the dictates of the powers-that-be. Zamalek is an Egypt of hope eternal.

If Egypt is to ever be more than the failure that it is, Ahly must fail and Zamalek must rise.

Egypt's Hope

Injustice is Justice - Justice is Injustice

2014-11-30T10:01:00.001+01:00

This was never about the trial of one man. Sentenced or not, Egypt was, is and -- unless and until its people are willing to reflect on themselves and accept the need to systematically overhaul their pathetic reality -- will always be condemned to backwardness, by its incompetent form of governance, superficial and conformist culture, corrupt and manipulative religious institutions, defunct educational system and rotten economic model. The revolution that never was, is still waiting to ever be.

A frozen society

batal el qarn

2014-10-31T15:40:00.000+01:00

Achievements of Ahly (aka batal el qarn, team of morals, etc) in just one week:

player suspended for physical assault on a referee;

player fined 150K for refusing to be substituted;

player found criminally guilty for assaulting a police officer;

scoreless tie against a team from Assiut that was in the third division two years ago (even after Ahly complained its way into having the match delayed);

board of directors embarrassing themselves by threatening to withdraw from league due to a grand conspiracy against the club.

All this continues the illustrious history of greed, corruption and scandal upon which Ahly has been built.

Beeb beeb