balki Blog

Inappropriate Comment Series: Birthday call

Balki — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 18:12:31 +0000

Man calls his old-time friend on his birthday to convey his greetings…

Friend: Good to hear from you, man. It seems like you only call me once a year on my birthday. I left you a number of messages over the months but you didn’t return any of my calls.

Man: Sorry about that, if you share the birthdays for your son and wife, I will call you three times a year.

Friend: Or, I will change my birthdate on Facebook whenever I need to talk to you.

Man: That will do the trick as well!

Inappropriate Comment Series: 52 Valedictorians

Balki — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 19:48:51 +0000

Man’s colleague (#1) is furious about how we all have to bend over to accommodate the diverse cultures, interests and sensitivities. For example, he is p*ssed that we are all encouraged to use “Happy Holidays” (a culture-neutral term) instead of “Merry Christmas”.

Colleague #1: You know, everyone of the 52 students graduating from this one California high school is a valedictorian because they want to treat them all equal and not leave anyone behind. How stupid is that?#?#$?

Our man did not want to make the situation any worse than it already was so he slowly slipped away from Colleague #1’s office. But he returns after a couple hours…

Man: Colleague #1, I will need the exact details of that California school including name and address.

Colleague #1: Why?

Man: I need to plan so my (1-year old) son can attend school. Its his best shot at being a valedictorian.

Colleague #2: I wish you were my dad! Talk about setting the bar low for your child…

Tips for a stress-free trip to Hawaii

Balki — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:49:54 +0000

Plan your activities: Unless you go there just to relax at the beach every single day, it pays to plan your activities ahead of time, especially those activities that have limited capacity (e.g. there are only so many seats available on the helicopter tours on a given day; and to make matters worse the weather god plays the trump card)
Don’t overextend: If are traveling with kids (like we did), you can’t do much anyways. My rule of thumb (in hindsight) is 1 activity per day plus several hours exploring the beaches and restaurants.
Some must-do activities (in Maui):
1. Snorkeling (snuba, if you are feeling ambitious)
  1. I had a great experience with Maui Classic Charters (the operators of Four Winds II) even though they were a little pricey compared to others; they had great equipment, boat and staff.
2. Helicopter tours
  1. Even though we tried AlexAir for our East Maui tour, I recommend Sunshine because they have newer crafts and they are recommended by Frommers.
  2. Look online for deals ahead of time instead of calling the companies directly or going through the hotel concierge
Sneak peek at the grand resorts in Wailea:
1. Four Seasons
2. Marriott
3. Grand Wailea Resort
Explore all the beautiful beaches

Some good eating joints (in Maui):

Wokstar International Noodle Cafe in Kehei – excellent Thai food in a great outdoorsy environment
Pita Paradise – great Mediterranean food
Cafe @ La Plage – some of the best Panini I ever ate!
Santa Fe Cantina – delicious Mexican food in Lahaina

[This one is a general travel tip, nothing to do with Hawaii or Maui] NEVER, EVER choose the “fuel option” at the rental car counter! That is the biggest rip-off in the rental car history. It never makes sense unless you return with the gas tank completely dried up to the last ounce! Even then you might save a dollar at the most. You see, the catch is that they charge for the full tank no matter how much gas remains in the gas tank.

Eating joints in Vancouver, BC …. desi-style

Balki — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 06:43:16 +0000

We visited Vancouver, BC recently and had a chance to try some of the delicious Indian food. I am just using this post to document the various spots for the posterity and of course for my next trip

Best Indo-Chinese food:
Asian Spice
9436 120th St
Surrey, BC
Tel: 604-582-8388

Samosas, chat and sweets (all kinds):
Prabu Sweets
7035 128 St #106
Surrey, BC V3W 4E1
Tel: 604-596-1308

Pure Vegetarian Pizzas:
Vege Garden Pizza & Coffee Shop
103-8383A 128 Street,
Surrey, BC V3W 4G1
Telephone : 604-507-3003

{Many thanks to good friend Rohit Srivastava for recommending these restaurants and helping these businesses survive by visiting Canada every week}

Inappropriate Comment Series: Best coffee in the world

Balki — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 06:11:26 +0000

Man and wife get into a gondola scaling up to the top of the Whistler mountain. A few other Canadians end up in the same gondola for the 25 minute ride.

Canadian #1: Where are you guys from?
Wife: Portland, Oregon
Canadian #2: That’s quite a drive; I had the best coffee in the world when I visited Portland last… I just can’t seem to remember the name of the place.
Man: Starbucks?
Canadian #3: Yeah, and Canadian #2 just realized that there are 36,000 best coffee places in the world along with several 100 in the Vancouver-Whistler area itself.

Inappropriate Comment Series: How to tip?

Balki — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 06:57:54 +0000

Man and some of his colleagues are driving to a local restaurant for lunch together. The conversation inevitably turns to bad service and the consequences.

Colleague #1: I don’t leave any tip when I receive bad service or when the waiter/waitress has an attitude.
Colleague #2: Yes. I am more generous than that. I do tip - I leave 2 old pennies on the table.
Man: I also leave 2 pennies; both of them licked on either side.
Colleague #2: Our man has been living in this country for way too long; he should become a citizen just for this!

Inappropriate Comment Series: Baby toys

Balki — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 17:56:23 +0000

Man and family go to a religious gathering. An extremely naughty boy (probably around 5 years old) is wreaking havoc at the community center. An elderly gentleman starts the following conversation in an attempt to calm down the boy:

Elderly Gentleman (EG): What is your name?
Naughty Boy (NB): XYZ
EG: Where is your home?
NB: So-and-so town
EG: Can I come to your home to play with you?
NB: Sure
EG: So, do you have any toys to play with at your home?
NB: Yes, “FIRE”
EG: I don’t really like to play with fire.
Man (making a mental note to self): Never let Ishaan (man’s son of 4 months) come in contact with this XYZ kid!

Inappropriate Comment Series: Blonde Baby

Balki — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 21:08:51 +0000

Man’s wife is in labor at the hospital. Man, the doula and the nurse have been helping his wife push the baby out for a couple hours. As the big moment gets closer, nurse and doula observe that the man is almost ready to collapse from exhaustion, excitement and mere nervousness. So, they suggest he go to the break room to get some cold juice. He promptly follows their directions. On his way back, he hears a big baby scream suddenly. So, he goes rushing back into the labor room. Sure enough the baby is out and in the nurse’s hands.

Man: What the h*ck? Why does this baby have blonde hair???!??

Nurse and the new mom: Who the h*ll are you and what are you doing in this private room? Get out of here right this moment!*%!

Man silently walks out of the room and goes back to his own room where the wife is still in labor and still hates him for bestowing this much pain on her.

Inappropriate Comment Series: Who discovered electricity?

Balki — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 03:07:47 +0000

Man and wife buy several dozen candles for a special occasion and decide to return a couple dozen of them at Fred Meyer.

Store return clerk: Somebody likes candles!
Man & Wife: Yeah…
Store clerk: Is there a reason you are returning these candles?
Man: We just realized last night that we could use electricity for lighting so we don’t need these candles.
Wife: I know. That is why I disowned him several years ago. Nothing he says or does embarrasses me anymore.

Inappropriate Comment Series: Too hard

Balki — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:11:02 +0000

Man’s 5-year old niece is visiting from out of town. Our man is chatting with her to catch up on the latest happenings…

Man: What grade are you in now?
Niece: I finished kindergarten and will be going to 1st grade next year.
Man: Are you excited to go to a real school and make friends?
Niece: Not really.
Man: Why is that?
Niece: Because first grade is a lot harder than kindergarten.
Man: @#$!?@?!

Inappropriate Comment Series: Meant to be…

Balki — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:56:16 +0000

Man: Here’s the 40$ that I owe you from last week.
Friend: But you owe me 50$ What happened to the other 10 ??!??
Man: If it was meant to be you will get it somehow.

Inappropriate Comment Series: Garage sale in the neighborhood

Balki — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 03:21:46 +0000

Man’s neighbor and many others in the community are getting ready for the "community garage sale" over the weekend. Neighbor’s home is closer to the street within the cul-de-sac and so is more visible to the passers-by.

Neighbor: Are you doing the garage sale this year?
Man: No, but do you mind if I keep some of my stuff in your sale?
Neighbor: Sure, no problem. What do you have?
Man: Oh, nothing much… just one thing. Let me go get it…

….

…

Man: So, just this sign

Neighbor: Sc**w you %$@#!#$

Inappropriate Comment Series: Dream features in the new iPhone

Balki — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 06:03:00 +0000

Man and his geek colleagues have nothing better to do. So, the conversation steered towards the upcoming new version of iPhone and eventually turned to a discussion on the "dream features" in an iPhone.

Geek Colleague #1: I have been waiting for the GPS for a while; I am so happy Steve decided to include that in the new version. I have to auction off my current iPhone to get the new one.

Geek Colleague #2: I can’t wait to get my hands on the new version to get on the Internet. The 3G connection is going to rock!

Geek Colleague #3: Voice recognition and breath analyzer (to measure Blood-Alcohol Level) would be great built-in features for the iPhone.

Man: For me, ClearBlue and lie-detector would be the greatest built-in features in the iPhone Nano; I am willing to spend major $$, if Steve decides to add those.

Geek Colleagues #1, #2, #3: What the heck!?!@? Why would you want someone to pee on a beautiful iPhone?

Man: Yes, here’s a scenario…. your partner pees on it to test whether she is pregnant. And you can immediately use the lie-detector feature to test whether its your baby or not. Can you find a better device to use than an iPhone, which is always on your hip?

Inappropriate Comment Series: 1000$ Survey

Balki — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 02:58:29 +0000

Man goes to Starbucks during the busy hour (which is pretty much anytime of day or night). He orders his favorite drink (Caramel Machiato) and food (Eggs Florentine).

Barista: Do you want your receipt?
Man: No, that’s fine.
Barista: Oh, but you have been randomly selected to participate in our customer satisfaction survey. If you complete the survey within 7 days, you will be entered into a drawing for 1000$ cash prize!
Man: No, thank you. I will pass on the survey. But I will take the 1000$ in cash.
Barista: Get the hell out of my store!#$@!

Inappropriate Comment Series: Patient billing

Balki — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 02:54:41 +0000

Man and his wife go to the hospital for their umpteenth appointment during the pregnancy process. The receptionist directs them to go meet the "Patient Billing" Clerk (PBC) first.

PBC: So, you get ABC benefits as part of your insurance, your out-of-pocket max is $XYZ … blah blah blah…
Man: Sure, that information is good to know. Thanks for the heads-up.
PBC: Yes, we also bill you for the entire share of your out-of-pocket expense, around 500$, before your 8th month appointment. A lot of would-be parents freak out, obviously because the final service (i.e. the baby birth) has not happened yet. So, we like to tell you that even though you get billed in the 8th month, that money is *NOT DUE* until after the delivery.
Man: I don’t care. We are very rich! Do you want me to show you some cash right now?
Wife: Do not listen to what he says or answer any of his questions. That is why I did not involve him in any part of my pregnancy process.

Inappropriate Comment Series: "pregnant belly"

Balki — Mon, 26 May 2008 20:00:42 +0000

Man, his pregnant wife go out to dinner with two of their best friends and their wives. Incidentally, the friends’ wives are also pregnant (more so than our man’s wife). Although, the man’s wife is pregnant, they are not ready to disclose that to the world since she is in the early stages (<10 weeks pregnant).
[NOTE: Remember that our man is the epitome of inappropriateness before judging him based on the below conversation]

Man: Hey guys, did anybody request to touch the belly yet?
Friend #1: No, and we will be busy for the next 5 months (the remaining duration of his wife’s pregnancy). Unfortunately, we might not be able to meet you again before she delivers the baby.
Friend #2: No, and we just decided to move out of town. Good luck!

Inappropriate Comment Series: Electronic Banking

Balki — Tue, 13 May 2008 22:37:31 +0000

Man and some of his colleagues are attending an overview training explaining the new product-line offered by their company. All the products are focused on making it easier for a person to self-service / automate his banking transactions.

Trainer #1: Our latest product lets a business banking customer to scan his check images directly to the bank without using any special software!

Trainer #2: Yes, our objective is to make it as easy for the bank customers to complete all their transactions without ever having to set foot in a banking center.

Man: Sure. If we can create a software product so the customer can print his own money on a laser printer at home, then our dream will be 100% accomplished!

Colleague: You mean, I am not allowed to do that right now?!?

Inappropriate Comment Series: Dinner on Fridays

Balki — Mon, 12 May 2008 22:59:28 +0000

Man and friends are playing Loaded Questions. The inevitable question that begs for an inappropriate answer/comment comes up (in fact, every question and work begs for a politically incorrect answer for our man!): "What is the one thing you wanted as a child but never got?"

Friend #1: Butter! My parents never let me eat butter because they didn’t want me to put on any more weight.

Man’s wife: Girls’ bike; I always got hand-me-down bikes from my brother.

Friend #2: Makeup; putting on makeup was a big taboo in my family.

Man: Food! Dinner on Fridays to be more specific. Being the last of seven children, I was allowed to eat dinner only Sunday nights (the last day of the week). I always had a craving to eat dinner on Friday night instead while watching a movie.

Friends: Boo! We don’t have the time to hear another south Indian movie story about a poor, handsome, funny boy becoming a super-hero when he grows up.

Inappropriate Comment Series: increasing step count while chasing…

Balki — Sun, 04 May 2008 01:13:17 +0000

Our man is working really hard to win a competition at work where the total steps are counted at the end of 8-week period and the teams (of 4) with highest step count win prizes (and more importantly bragging rights).
Man is finding all sorts of desperate ways to increase his current step count from 20K/day to 25-30K/day.

Man: I accumulated 1500 steps chasing (and being chased by) the cat around the house!
Friend: My girlfriend and I broke up. So I was thinking…I could use a pedometer to see how many steps I take chasing women!!
Man: Well, I can get you a pedometer but you can only count the steps you take by chasing "away" what you already own, like your current girlfriend, child or a deadly pet spider.

Inappropriate Comment Series: Let me rephrase that…

Balki — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 22:15:35 +0000

Man and his wife plan to meet a bunch of other friends at the restaurant. One friend and his wife come to the table and the wife immediately goes to the restroom while the friend is still settling down at the table…

Man: Why don’t you squeeze in closer so your wife can sit next to you?

Friend: Why would I want to do that? We work in the same office, we commute in the same car, we live in the same house, and we are even having a baby together! I don’t want any more of her than I already have…

Friend #2: You might want to rephrase that statement before your wife gets back to the table…

Man: Yes, let me help you with that. For your own safety, the statement you are going to use will be "I LOVE HER TO DEATH"!