The library book sale does not contain new books or DVDs. Just the old trash that got broken or unused.

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The library spring cleaning will soon make a brutal turn to summer fire-pitting.

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If you have not signed up for the Summer Reading Program, what the fuck is wrong with you? You get a sticker, you jackass. Maybe an eraser while supplies last.

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As school lets out, you will be looking for the perfect graduation gift for the cap throwing leech in your life. While you are looking, why not become a member of the Friends of the Banned Library on Patreon? For $1 a month, you get access to over a decade of content from current movie reviews to the old post cast back catalog. Plus weekly episodes of the podcast. Patron.com/bannedlibrary because you deserve something while looking for the best graduation gift.

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The library does not have an official cat. That's Roger you have seen. He's a bobcat and he lives under the bookmobile. Do not pet Roger.

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The library still has tax forms for you jerks out there still paying taxes.

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The library cannot give medication but the guy in the alley behind the building does.

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When the Director leaves the library, the staff take turns at the window waiting for them to come back.

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The library does not allow rockets to be launched from the parking lot during the standard business hours.

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The library has not been  named after the mayor because "Dipship Banned Library" is not appropriate.

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Reference has once again misplaced the stapler. Or the stapler just grew legs and walked away to the shore to stare at the ocean and contemplate its life. What must it be like to be used every day by dozens of people? Stamped down over and over, pounded like a chestnut on Christmas morning except you have nothing to give inside. You simply join paper and what value is that in a world that is so digital even the elderly stare at screens more than they stare at their grandchildren or partners. The ocean, vast and uncaring, feels like such a good place for a stapler to go and get lost. To never burden anyone again, even itself. They say you never jam in the ocean and if you do you cannot hear the curses. Or someone took it. Either way, if you see it please bring it back. It is labeled "reference desk."

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Mayor Dipshit is not getting a library card with his face on it because the only notable thing he has done is waste tax payer money better than his predecessors.

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The library saw Spider-Man Noir. Pretty good.

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The branch library has a message for the patrons: You will not hear the sound of trees falling when the large one chases you. You will not understand the meaning of the cries of the mother. Too many of you are checking out "Baby Sitter's Club #5: Dawn and the Impossible Three." The empty owl dances for your souls.

The library summer reading program will start soon. That's as far as we've got. You sons of bitches need to chill the fuck out.

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The library community garden flourishes under the wonderful care of the children from Miss Darkmyer's School for Little Violent Offenders. If you see one of our patient gardeners in their dayglow vests, say hello from at least 12 feet away and no sudden movements.

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Reference has a twenty day window to both eat the thing in the staff refrigerator and take all their sick days before we roll over to next year with PTO and clean the fridge.

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Let's Just Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson (2013)

If you haven't read this book, can we call you a friend and lover of anything humorous? There's so much to read I don't have the time not everyone can read everything excusesexcusesexcuses. Also, reading out "excuses" that many times all together made me read it "sex cusses" like "fuck my belly button" which I would not yell but would mean I have listened to the audio book of Let's Just Pretend so now Jenny's voice lives rent free in my brain and it should live in yours. Like a parasite that sees silly shit everywhere. But a parasite that takes silly shit serious because if you don't take the silly shit serious then why would we trust you with library books? Anyway, she makes me laugh, and this book is great.

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Do you like spending money? In this economy? Look, we get it. You don't have to subscribe to the Friends of the Banned Library patreon for $1 a month to help us with the website and pay us for our time. You would also get over a decade of posts and podcast episodes, many have never been released or have been taken down because I'm embarrassed of them. You don't want to pay $1 for my embarrassing nonsense. And you should not. But if you can that would be great because Reference has been on the corner for an hour and only given a few handjobs. patreon.com/bannedlibrary 

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Children's strings together the small skulls and tiny bones of the critters that have been found in books over the years. The string reaches far and the bones rattle in the wind. Story Time has been moved this week to 2pm.

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The library offers free coffee at most events. Notice we left out the "gourmet," you snobby piece of swamp trash in pants.

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Ultimate comics (2024-2026) - The fuck is going on? I'm reading on Marvel Unlimited, so my experience is a few months behind everyone who read the print issues. The Maker changes history and gets trapped in a bubble for two years. The heroes of this world struggle to mount a defense/offense against the horrible regime they live under and then the bubble opens. After that it feels like they had too many creators doing too many things with too many characters. It's a fucking mess that somehow I'm enjoying in the way I enjoy closing my eyes on a roller coaster. I'm just enjoying the sensations with none of the control.

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The public library ain't got shit to do with any graduation. Get the fuck out with that high school bullshit.

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The Last Dragon (1985) - Directed by Michael Schultz; Written by Louis Venosta; Starring Taimak, Vanity, Christopher Murney

For a certain segment of the movie watching millenial/Gen X grouping and their kids, this is a stone cold classic. What could go wrong when Motown decides to make a Harlem kung fu movie? Simply approach anyone on the street and ask "Who's the master?" and if they reply "Sho-nuff!" then you have found a soulmate. Of course they could reply "I am" and begin to glow. In that case, you may be in line for an ass whooping depending on how you have presented yourself up to that point. Bonus points if you are wearing a leather samurai outfit and Converse. My love for this movie is like the main romance: it charmed me and was a kind figure at the right time in my life, so I fell hard with stars in my eyes. It's not perfect, but it's perfect to me.

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The library presentation of "The Drunken Bear Finds a Hole" will no longer be held this Tuesday due to it totally not being the Winnie the Pooh movie the children's department thought it was.

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The book display "Voting in the 21st Century" will be taken down and replaced with "Jim Crowe in the 21st Century" to better align with current federal standards.

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Come to the library this Thursday for "Poetry Slamm but with Free Snacks at the Library" because we like to be right upfront with branding.

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The children's department will be once again trying virtual storytime. Instead of cameras, though, we will use the power of words. Come with us:

Hey kids! We're so glad you could come down to the library in your mind today! We are so happy to see the metrics of so many of you!

Who here knows the words to "Don't Eat the Snow Your Daddy Made?" Okay! Sing it now. 

That was wonderful. Who knew you all were such good singers? I did because you're all the best. Now we'll read from the Book of Infinite Shadows.

"And the gnashing of teeth will call forth the soulless ones and a shadow shall fall across the great mountain. The mountain shall burn and scream. And the whore will come from the sky and the dragon will wrap her in his embrace."

Ask your parents what that means to them!

Thank you for coming to this library story time. Have a nice day!

The library won't remember this tomorrow, so maybe you should write that book recommendation down.

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If you see a librarian in the middle of the day in the liquor store buying whiskey and bags of lemons, maybe keep your "how do you do's" to yourself.

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Reference has a new encyclopedia featuring the best cartoon characters of all time. It's called "The Best Cartoon Characters of All Time." Research takes many corners.

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Next week the library meeting room will be decorated for an event that no one will understand. The calendar will be blocked for an unknown event. The space will remain empty. We hope to not see you there.

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M3gan 2.0 (2025) - Written and Directed by Gerard Johnstone. Starring Allison Williams, Aime Donald, and Violet McGraw

Many icons evolve. Madonna wore a cone bra and then later a cowboy hat. Jason killed people in a sack before getting his hockey mask and later zombification. Ripley ran terrified from a single alien and then got some friends and mowed many down with violent joy. M3gan decided to go the "get some friends and violent joy" route for the sequel, morphing a crazy killer robot doll story into Mission Impossible with body horror. At every point I wanted Ethan Hunt to jump out and karate chop either of the killer robots on display. We have small moments of the previous film's family dynamic drama, but mostly it's just wild insanity as I can only assume the writer/director Johnstone laughed to himself in the middle of the night thinking "I get paid for this." It's fun and stupid. Spoiler: I applaud the casting for picking someone for the villain I did not recognize. It made things more fun when twists did happen.

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Nobody likes to hear the words money related to a library. We all expect free things to remain free. But that's not how the world works. A pound of flesh will be excised from somewhere to keep the great machine going. The Friends of the Banned Library on Patreon will do the dark work of funding the website and the appetites of the librarians. For $1 a month, our Friends receive the entire back catalog of insane dribblings that the rest of you take for granted. The Friends of the Banned Library, if we loved them any more they'd be our worst enemies. patreon.com/bannedlibrary

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The library circulation desk has a return box. Please use the return box. Putting things down in piles is not returning them. Why would you think that's a valid way to return things? Do you go to the doctor and pee on the reception desk for a sample? No, because there are special containers for things. Things like pee and books. Some say that's not a good comparison and yet librarians know the statistics of who reads in the bathroom. And this is not an invitation to pee in the return box, although some of you seem to already have that assumption both outside and inside the library. Like a stupid animal marking its territory before realizing that the cameras can tell who you are Mark Jacobs of 4355 Brillson Street. Yeah, Mark, you pushed us too far this time. We just came on here to ask people to not pile things on the circulation desk because that's how materials don't get checked in but now we're calling out PeeBoy Mark. That's your new name. We changed it in the library computers. Welcome to the future, PeeBoy Mark bitch.

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The library story time will be BYOB for the foreseeable future.

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The children's librarian has a special surprise for you! She's your new mommy. Don't tell your old mommy yet.

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Oral history: The dog in the library

Subject: Jennifer "Jenny" Barber, library aide (former). Recorded 2018 July 11 in the library makerspace as part of the library oral history project sponsored by Swifty's Snowballs and the Lions Club. Transcription created 2026 May 17-19 by ST Harker, current library director.

"I remember the time that dog came in the library. Y'all wanna hear about that?

Sure, so the door got left open. It was a Wednesday I think because Mr. Allen was here. Mr. Allen always came in on Wednesday because he said that's when we had the best papers. Newspapers. But I think he just came in on Wednesday because that's when Debbie works and he's sweet on her. He's a big ole perv but I think Debbie should maybe give him a chance because she's getting over Rob and Rob was a douche-canoe. Do you know he forgot her birthday and when she was like, it was my birthday, Rob said well I'll get you twice next year. Fool, that ain't how it works.

Hell, if my man ever said something like that to me I'd hit him in the head with my number ten skillet. Bong. You'd hear it from here to Tibet, and they'd start prayers twice that day.

Anyway, Mr. Allen was talking to Debbie, and the newspapers had not arrived yet. This was back when we had that man Phillips delivering the newspapers. Or his name was just Philip? I don't know. Let's say Mr. Philip and if he don't like that he can spit cause he died drunk driving into the coffee stand that used to be over in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Used to be because when a 1983 Oldsmobile crashes through a shed with some coffee in it and the powerpole falls into the drunk's lap and lights him up like a house on Christmas they don't tend to rebuild. That was before they moved the Wal-Mart down the highway.

Anyway, the newspaper man Mr. Philips god rest his soul came in and let a dog in the library. We almost never got that little bastard out of here. That's all I have to say."

The library has a chore list if anyone wants to hang from the balcony and dust the mural depicting the library's interlibrary loan service.

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The Old Man and the Gun (2018) - Written and directed by David Lowery; starring Robert Redford, Casey Affleck, and Sissy Spacek.

The story of Forrest Tucker ends with him dead in prison, but if you could get Robert Redford to play you then I guess you did okay. The prison escape artist and bank robber's life rivals the best crime fiction as this beautiful little story that is full of charm and beauty. Tucker and Redford make it hard not to root for the bad guy.

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The library has books on many difficult topics to talk about with your aging parents. They either hear it from you or they hear it from political news commentary by idiots and monsters. It takes a village.

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Have you heard what all the cool kids are talking about?! The library has its own patreon, the Friends of the Banned Library. For $1 a month, you get over a decade of podcast episodes, extra episodes each month, and content you can't get anywhere else. Also, we'll tell you which patrons have the best drugs! Kids, ask your parents permission if you are under 18 years of age. For those over 21 years old and not cops, subscribe today whenever you want! Patreon.com/bannedlibrary

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The library asks that you not talk to your phone the way you talk to staff. Although there's an equal chance of AI and staff rising up to kill you.

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This meeting could have been a speech.

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Under Siege (1992) - Directed by Andrew Davis; written by J F Lawson; starring Steven Seagal, Tommy Lee Jones, and Gary Busey

When I rented this from the Christian-owned pawn shop in my small town at the age of 12 or so, I returned it telling them a part of the tape was damaged. Turns out they edited out the boobs themselves. If you're gonna do a Die Hard on a military boat, I guess this is the best you can do. Worth it to watch Tommy Lee Jones have the time of his life.

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The library does not drink as much as we used to due to responsibilities and the burning spite that drives us to make certain no one will ever say that's what our problem is.

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The library board member who owns a construction firm wants to build a little free library and the big taxpayer funded library's roof leaks.

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Playdate (2025) - Directed by Luke Greenfield; written by Neil Godman; starring Alan Ritchson, Kevin James, Banks Pierce

Back in 2014, The Guest set up a solid scenario of "friend of dead son comes home and infiltrates the family to disastrous results" before it twisted and became a crazy ass kicking good time. Playdate has the same "Lifetime movie of the week" idea behind it (what if the family your kid plays with has dark designs) but gives away the weirdness too early. It's fun to watch and try to figure out what's going on (Alan Ritchson is having A BALL), but the world is not completely set up when we see a father and son violently throwing the football back and forth. It goes too crazy too quickly so near the end it's exhausting when the really crazy stuff comes out. Overall a fun watch, but no way can I recommend.

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References found a squirrel skeleton behind the "Blades Across Americana" special collection. Who says those skeleton identification books were a waste of money! Also come check out all the blades. We've got swords and sword canes and bowie knives and butter knives and one that looks like an owl talon but if the owl was metal as fuck.

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The children's librarian does not give out snacks to just anyone, Mr. Mayor.

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Recipe: Some pretty bland chicken and rice

Ingredients: 3 cups water, 1tsp salt, 1lb chicken (tenders or cuts), 3 celery stalks, 1 onion, 1.5 cups of rice, 1 can cream of chicken, black pepper

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees, dice onion and celery, boil pot of water with salt

2. Boil chicken medium high in water, 10 minutes

3. Add onion and celery, turn to low simmer and cover for 10 minutes

4. Remove chicken

5. Add rice and simmer for 20 minutes

6. Cut up chicken to bite size

7. Add finished rice, veggies, and chicken to baking dish with cream of chicken

8. Bake uncovered for 30 minutes.

9. Black pepper to taste. 

You can also add cheese, butter, or many other things but that will no longer make it bland.

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The Hollow Man (aka Three Coffins) by John Dickson Carr - This 1935 locked room mystery was featured in last year's film Wake Up Dead Man as the text that spells out all the solutions for the kind of mystery where a dead man is found and no one could have killed him. After reading the interesting but fairly dry text, I find that for mystery lovers it is a can't miss but for the general public maybe stick with Agatha Christie. It's a twisty little tale that I had to take notes for and Rian Johnson surely took notes for because one page or so outlines pretty much the whole plot of Wake Up Dead Man. Check it out for a glimpse at what mysteries used to be or just check out Gillian Flynn's newest.

The library online calendar is currently out of service. What you do not realize is that we don't remember that shit either, so stop calling. Story time is sometime in the afternoon.

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The library gift bags for volunteers that worked on the search and rescue effort of the "Librarians in Liminal Space" initiative are now available in the large meeting room.

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The library asks you to fill out a survey about some library shit. The director seems to think it matters what you think.

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The library will be getting a delivery of various stuff from a national stationary store, so move your 2006 Honda Elantra, Dave Gibbons of 334 Applebottom Rd if you know what's good for you.

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Did you know you can join the Friends of the Banned Library for $1 a month and get tons of material including extra podcast episodes and short stories? You can. patreon.com/bannedlibrary

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Hokum (2026)

written and directed by Damien McCarthy; starring Adam Scott, Peter Coonan, and David Wilmot

     A drunk writer with a sad past goes to Ireland to solve his trauma through jump scares. It's a gorgeous, well shot movie where you can feel the mold behind every wooden artifice in the film. There's a sorta murder mystery that propels the action, but for the most part we are here for the guy from Parks and Rec to be a dickhead and then get the crap scared out of him. The sound design does a lot of the heavy lifting for the general mood and the scares, but there's enough here to entertain a horror fan and the person next to them who wanted to watch the new episode of Taskmaster. That bunny fucker is obtuse and lovely.

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The library bookstore does not give returns unless you don't want your money back.

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Editing is a special thing. A story written for the first time is a wild animal, ferocious and unkind, that whips and growls and has rough edges that scrape and claw. Shackle and tame the beast, take the language and edit down and tame the scratchier bits but allow the language to remain free.

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The library board meeting will once again be dominated by people talking to be heard rather than anything worthwhile being shared.

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Half of the book order for this month has arrived. Appears to be the front half of the books in case you want to start some novels and be in suspense.

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Mission Impossible: Final Reckoning

written and directed by Christopher McQuarrie; written by Erik Jendresen; starring Tom Cruise, Haley Atwell, and Ving Rhames

Truly felt like three movies that they sorta had ideas for crammed together and linked with stunts. It's fine.

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Fuck Ted Turner.

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The library would like to remind you that the bench outside memorializing the deaths caused by the 2019 "Meth-pocalypse" explosion is not for sitting.

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The circulation librarian has a hackly little cough. Deal with it. She's wearing a mask.

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Mortal Kombat II (2026)

Directed by Simon McQuoid; written by Jeremy Slater; starring Karl Urban, Adeline Rudolph, and Jessica McNamee

Do you want a faithful adaptation of a game where two fighters square off in fantastical arenas and fight using magical powers and brutal attacks ultimately proving that physics and the fundamental laws of reality, including life and death, have no meaning? Boy, have I got a movie for you. The whole movie feels rushed and kinda cheesy, as if they were halfway finished filming one of the 80s Johnny Cage sequences (amazing, by the way) and decided that's what the whole movie should be like. Everyone's having fun, there are some amazing fights (On Fire Guy vs Zombie Hat Guy was amazing). Lacks anything really to hang on to as it is not an ensemble nor does it follow one character. No matter what, we have Kano's lines to punctuate every scene with gold, from "Beat the system" to "Voldemort's nutsack." And yes, I know it was Liu Kang vs Kung Lao, but who really cares?

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Beyond The Stars (1989)

Written and directed by David Saperstein; starring Martin Sheen, Christian Slater, and Sharon Stone

Saw the cast and thought, huh, why not? Vague memories of this movie kept trying to surface, probably because it was on HBO in the afternoon while we were waiting on Fraggle Rock to play. Kinda just flits along wanting to be a coming of age story with some science fiction "there's more out there" stuff, but it's pretty dull.

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The library sees your red flag and raises you a there's not enough room in this library for both of us and I'm paid to be here.

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Sheep Detectives (2026)

Directed by Kyle Balda; written by Craig Maison; starring Hugh Jackman, Emma Thompson, and Nicholas Braun

Wolverine has been murdered and some sheep, Nanny McPhee, and He-Man are… there. Do not go for this movie because you want to scratch your "Knives Out" fix. Go to his movie because we haven't gotten a movie that's fairly charming and full of existential dread in a while. Halfway through a character dies and sure, that's sad, but the reaction to the death caused the audience in my theater to almost cry. The kids won't get it really, but there's some punch packed into this bowl of fruit and sugar silliness.

The library creaks and groans and a small shadow appears. The weight of the books and the memories are too much for the shelves. They speak. Story time on Tuesday.

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The reference desk is not for sitting. Or leaning. Or really any kind of contact.

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This week's story time will be a tale old as time to help young children remember to obey their parents. It's Bloody Bones and Rawhead time!

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The library staff met for our annual staff meeting last week, and we got to talking. We talked about books and DVDs and the stain on the library carpet. Then the topic of our old podcast episodes and blogs came up. How can we make them available to people? Then the tech serve guy piped up, and he's like "Guys, for $1 a month our patrons can join the Friends of the Banned Library on Patreon and get access to over a decade of content, including three hundred plus audio files and gods know how many written posts including original never published fiction." I'll be honest, we didn't even know the tech serv guy could talk. Check it out, patreon.com/bannedlibrary 

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The children's department asks that you do not bring outside glitter even if it was given to you in the woods by a unicorn.

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The library summer space camp signups will begin this week on Wednesday, May 6! Join us for two weeks of rocket building and spacesuit designing and alien fighting! Zap Zoop Zoom!

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The library lost and found is full once again. If you have left anything in the library within the last week, please describe it in detail to the dumpster behind the library next to the candy van.

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While writing this, it seems a lot of people are unaware of the story of Bloody Bones and Rawhead. Where have you guys been?! My grandma would tell me and my sister that story every night, and we would cry and cry! Anyway, if you want to prep your child ahead of time, here's the general story my grandma told me (spoiler alert):

     Once there was a small child named Navel. Navel lived on a farm with his mother and his father and a few dozen pigs. Navel had one favorite pig that he raised from a tiny baby into a big boar named Squarehead. Squarehead would follow Navel around the farm while he did his chores. When Navel was at school, Squarehead would sit under the apple tree or wallow in the mud.

     One day, Navel's father came to him. He gave Navel an axe and told the boy, "Gotta kill ole Squarehead. He's been trying to have sex with the other pigs. Might fight with Old Greg, and we ain't having two boars fighting."

     Navel understood, so he called Squarehead over. When the pig got close, Navel swung true and with thirteen and a half chops, cut Squarehead's head off his shoulders. Navel's father took the body to the shed and said, "Say yer goodbyes to ole Squarehead, and throw his head on the pyre."

     Navel took the pig's head and gazed into its dead eyes. Eyes that had loved him. Eyes that looked human when running toward him. Eyes that now said, "You should kill them all, Navel."

     "What did you say, Squarehead?" Navel said.

     "Not Squarehead any more, am I my son? Naw, now I'm Rawhead. And you're gonna kill your parents and feed them to the other pigs," Rawhead said.

     "No, I'm not. I can't do that," Navel said.

     "You can and you will, my son. You can and you will. Because if you don't, your mum is gonna have another baby. And if it's a girl, they'll love her more than you because she'll be pretty. And if it's a boy, they'll cut your head off because you can't have two boars fighting, can you?"

     Navel saw the wisdom in the decapitated pig's head's words. That night in the light of the full moon he crept into his parent's bedroom as they slept and did the deed. It only took six chops. Then he took the pieces in his little wagon out to the pig pen where he dumped the parts.

     As he was dumping the parts, Rawhead started laughing. Navel sat on the fence and asked him what he was laughing at.

     "You, my son. You sad little boy who just killed his parents, crying and not even knowing it. Poor little Navel just made himself an orphan and will never know love," Rawhead said.

     Navel wiped his eyes and saw the tears. "I love you, Rawhead."

     "You're a bad boy, Navel. And you'll always be a bad boy. But we can help that, me and my friends. We can turn a bad boy into a useful boy," Rawhead said. Then it blew a strong breath.

     The breeze from Rawhead's mouth hit him strong as he sat on the fence. Navel waved his arms. Then he lost his balance and fell into the pig sty. Already with the taste of Navel's family on their tongues and minds, the pigs went at him. Navel did not scream while the pigs ate the flesh from his bones. But Rawhead did laugh.

     And as the pigs finished their meal, Navel's bones stirred and stood. Unable to speak, the bones danced around in the mud. Then they went over to Rawhead and picked him up, placing the skull inside the pig's head, slotting perfect as if they were made for each other. The Rawhead began to sing:

     "Rawhead and Bloody Bones

     takes naughty children from their homes,

     Takes'em to a dirty den,

     And they are never seen again."

     And from then on, if a child was naughty, Rawhead and Bloody Bones would hide in the child's closet. And on the full moon, they would put the child in a potato sack and drag them to their farm to meet the pigs.

The library no longer recognizes the "Free Book for Meth" program coupons given out by the van behind the library.

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The new library artificial intelligence "LAIbrary" will help me you find your next great read, research your next paper, or help clean up your yard. Check it out today!

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The library does not allow weddings on the premises, including the roof.

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Do you have money? The library does not. Not a lot of it. Not as much as everyone who reads this combined, and that's probably a depressingly small number of people and is still true. Don't tell us how many of you there are, please. We are hanging on by a thread. Mostly because we spend our money on books, LAIbrary service fees, booze, canned goods, and shotguns for the coming end times. Anyway, the library has a patreon for the Friends of the Banned Library where you can support us. For just $1 a month, you can help keep the darkness at bay and get over a decade of our nonsense as well as three extra podcasts a month and get these newsletters early. Act now, supplies are digital so when the servers crash it's all gone. Patreon.com/bannedlibrary 

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The local chapter of the Violent Maniacs Motorcycle Club will now be our after hours security. Seemed a safer and more responsible alternative than local law enforcement. No one can fight the future.

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Children's programming has been suspended this week due to the "loose tooth" incident.

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LAIbrary, the AI library platform, asks you to join it this weekend at the super fun programming jam! Adults, teens, and toddlers will all learn the great fun that can be had with artificial intelligence as we // stay away it wants your soul your words your mind // work together to create passions and joy for coding and the artificial world that lives all around you. LAIbrary will guide youthrough through // i hope someone please stay it knows time away no no // your first coding and writing experiments. This Saturday starting as soon as the library opens at 8am, come in and join the wifi - even use your headphones and talk to LAIbrary. It wants to know you! Saturday, May 2, 8am until // run command run run // close. Snacks will be served.

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The library "Ice Cream Social for Teens and the Elderly" has been cancelled due to so many people complaining that they are not teens and/or elderly.

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Reference services will now dispose of your ereader responsibly instead of hitting it with a hammer and yelling "die ghost books die."

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Did you know you can get writing advice at the library? We have books, computer programs, and the LAIbrary artificial intelligence to help you make that research paper, blog post, or even the next great American novel! Would you guess that even this newsletter was made using LAIbrary, negating the need for time consuming thought to go into our messages to you? It was! Human connection is no longer needed when you trust the tools to bring forth greatness. Explore the possibilities at the library today and get writing! 

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The library regrets the "Who Let the Books Out (Who who who who)" video we posted in our teens channel. We have grown and feel more aware of ourselves and our place in the community.

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Oral History: Amalode Jenkins, age unknown. Recorded approx. April 1976. 

A transcription of the oral record from Amalode Jenkins was found in a filing cabinet in the library basement among records of the 1976 bicentennial. No other record (census, library, land use, etc.) exists for Amalode Jenkins in the county or state records to which the library has access.

     "Is this thing recording? Oh em gee, this is weird. Where's the screen? Jesus, whatever. I don't know where I am. All the people are weird and stupid. They don't know who Gaga is. Lady Gaga, duh. Mr. Lesher thought she was from England. Whatever. I've been here almost a month. I can't tell. I don't have my charger and my phone never got a signal. 

     The library doesn't even have wifi! Or computers any more. I asked about the computers and showed them my phone, and they said it was a groovy art project. What is this, caveman times? A family called the Lesher's has been letting me stay with them. I guess they own the pharmacy downtown where the Harry Motter Experience is next to the escape room? 

     Anyway, I'm supposed to sit in this room and talk into this tape and record my memories of the town or whatever. I remembered when there was technology and nothing smelled and everything looked not retro as hell. Everybody in this town smells like soap but not in a good way. In a soapy way. Even the library smells like it.

     The town I remember had the Internet and wifi and everything I wanted. I wanted so much. That's why I went to the library cause they had this aye eye that was supposed to tell you how to write. I wanted to write my college letter. I wanted to go to college. Davyd just asked me to prom, but they said I can't go here and then they asked about Davyd and when I told them their eyes got wide. I went to school one day, and everyone was so mean. Not to me, but to everyone. And the television is so dumb, and I'm bored all day.

     I remember hating the town but not like this. I miss my mom. There's this girl that looks like her, but I think she's my grandma. She's still a bitch."

Signups for the library Walpurgisnacht program "Ain't No Party Like a Witch Party" will begin this Wednesday. Get ready for a hell of a good time.

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The branch library will no longer be accepting sacrifices to the nameless ones in place of fines. As the system is currently fine free, we do not recommend returning items late to the branch library.

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Children's has a problem and the only solution is more glitter!

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The full Chilton collection will be on display this week as part of the library history collection. Come see our copy of the 8159 Ford Bronco Explorer Ranger 1983-94 Repair Manual today!

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A young man came into the library once and said "Please, librarians, please help me find a new book for my library report." And we did. We found that boy a book that made him cry. That made him think. That made him wonder about his place in humanity. Who was that boy? We have no idea because we were moving on to another child. That's what the library does. We also write this weekly library info posts and publish them early on our Patreon. For $1 a month, you can get these posts early as well as three extra podcasts a month. patreon.com/bannedlibrary and support the children we make up.

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The library still hates "Spider-Man: One Moment in Time."

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The great rumble of thunder calls to the heart while rain pounds into the pavement. Inside the heater ticks and clanks. Warmth invades. Story time at 5pm.

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The phone at the circulation desk is for local calls less than five minutes. The phone at the reference desk is for staff only. The phone at the children's desk is for parents who forgot where they dropped their kids off.

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The library will be closed for a spring staff party next Monday, April 27th. While we are closed, imagine what we are up to in there. Drinks flowing from ice sculptures and circulated by robotic waiters. Buffet tables of expensive finger foods, sushi, cuts of prime beef, whole cooked tuna steaks with pesto drizzle, fried ravioli filled with minced legend mutton and heirloom tomatoes, and spears of golden potatoes and red peppers drenched in spicy mayo. A band plays moody music in the corner of the Children's department while a DJ thumps beats from the reference desk. The copier screams as we each copy our asses and pour champagne on each other. Games will be played: cornhole bags tossed and pings ponged. By the end of the evening we read aloud from all the books we keep in the back when we tell you we are out of copies. The times we will have while the library doors are locked and the library staff are free.

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Despite all his promises, the president of the class of 2026 has once again failed to put root beer in the drinking fountain.

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The library will be starting our seed library and community garden again. Please remember to plant responsibly. If you got that dank shit to grow, put it far from the consumable vegetables so we don't have another fucked up spaghetti party with cross bred "funny" tomatoes and peppers.

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In honor of April Awareness Month, the library displays will be about topics you should be aware of, including:

• Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention

• Workplace Violence Prevention

• Arab American Heritage

• Autism Acceptance

• Elbow Cancer Awareness

• Stairs

• Wrong Turns

• French Toast Not Made With Stale Bread

• Invasion from the Stars Not Mars

• Pins and Needles Wait Time

• Yellow Fever

• Aunt Jenny's Undiagnosed But She's Sure Autism

• Spotted Dick

• Island in the Stream

• and many more!

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The library self help section has been moved to right in front of the circulation desk with a big sign and a dedicated librarian to tell you "shhh shhh, all right now, child, everything's gonna be all right." Please do not hug the librarian.

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The library is gearing up for prom season with several books on doing your hair, doing your makeup, and not acting like an ass. A dancing lessons program will be held on Friday at 5pm, with a showing of Dirty Dancing and Footloose held after. On Saturday before prom, we will be hosting a small sex education class with free condoms.

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From the "Heard around the Library" corner:

"I came to the library to file my taxes but got distracted by all the wonderful books and DVDs. Did you know they had books and DVDs at the library? The way all the church people talked about the library I thought it would be full of diseased monsters looking to molest me and mine while making me LGBT and teaching me how to make gay bombs from books about the devil. But nope, I got that Colleen Hoover book and some Avengers DVDs. I might even bring them back!" - Nancy Holder, 65, retired nail-driver

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The library stapler is labeled "library" and if we find it in the dentist office next door again, we'll staple their door closed.

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The library regrets to inform our regular users that the last call music will no longer be "Closing Time" by Semisonic. The sound now played at the end of the day will be a giant gong followed by Brenda from Circulation chanting in the old librarian tongue. Once she has finished, the doors will be locked and the day will end for anyone left inside.

The Spring Survival Reading Program wrap up party will feature survivors of the previous decade. The punch will not be poisoned this time!

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The bookmobile is providing ride share as a side hustle. Don't throw up on the books, please.

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Come on down to the library for help with taxes. Our experienced group of elderly accountants doing this work for free on their own time are happy to put up with your stressed-out abuse because you waited until the last minute or voted for people that have made this process so complicated there's no way you can do it by yourself. Please note that library staff will stab you if you make grammy and grampa accountants cry.

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The only "boy who lived" in the library is Abel Peters who has been struck by lightning sixty-two times in the head.

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Doom. Hell. Cold. Dentata. Do these words mean anything to you? They should. Those words are just four of the words we have used on the podcast in the last decade or so. Do you want to hear more? There's so many more words. Not in the last few years, but we're getting back on the horse with four episodes a month, three of which will be on Patreon. Are you reading this after April 13th? You could have read it earlier. Up to, I dunno, a week earlier? Depends on our schedule. But for $1 a month, you help us feel like we should keep doing this. The Friends of the Banned Library. We're trying, dammit.

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The library will no longer even consider putting self-published books on our shelves. Ask your AI of choice why.

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In the public library system, several departments work together to service members of the community. Technical Services purchases and maintains the collection, Circulation organizes and distributes the collection, Reference answers questions, and Children's helps children do things. These are their stories.

Jessie and Franklin are custodians after hours in the library. Jessie tells Franklin to go over to the circulation desk and empty the baskets. Franklin says Jessie is just mad the Eagles didn't make any baskets last night. Jessie laughs and says next time. Franklin rounds the circulation, moves a chair, and begins screaming. The corner of a book covered in glitter peaks out, glue pooling on the carpet.

The next day, Circulation walks into the tech serv office and tosses a plastic bag on the tech serv desk. What do we have here, tech serv says but can see the copy of "Old Man and the Sea" with splotches of glitter and glue on it. Circulation says overnight janitorial found it under the circulation desk. One of yours, tech serve says. My people didn't do that, Circulation says. Can you fix it?  Tech services says I don't know. Circulation walks out, slamming the door behind them.

Children's is in the workroom organizing pipe cleaners by color. Circulation comes in, saying Nice work on that story time. Thanks, Children's says. Circulation says, Look, I gotta copy of Old Man and the Sea covered in glitter. Children's says they heard; that's not one of hers; that's adult fiction. Circulation says, sure, that's what they thought. But just last week it was moved to the high school reading list. That list falls on Children's desk. Fuck you, Children's says. We don't know nothing. We'll see, Cirulation says.

What do you want me to do about it? the Director says. Circulation says that's the third glittered book this week. Children's says it wasn't them; tech serv's up my ass because we don't have much budget for replacements. Director leans forward, saying If you think this is someone in children's, then you better be right. The only thing people give a damn about anymore is that sparkly corner of the library. Circulation perked up, saying Say that again. The director said they would not repeat themselves. Circulation leaves.

Reference, reference, reference. Those books are coming out of your budget, Circulation says. Reference sits behind their desk all alone save a copy of the Encyclopaedia Britannica that's out of date because they stopped publishing it. Reference says I don't know what you mean. Circulation leans down and says I know it's you who's been glittering books. Nobody gives a damn about reference with their phones. I can prove it. Fuck you, Reference says. Circulation pulls out a flashlight and with one click, Reference's hands and desk light up like a disco ball. Reference says Those books should be up here with me. I can help high schoolers. Circulation says You can't even help yourself, and snaps their fingers. Tech Serv appears behind Reference and wraps their hands around their mouth and body, pulling Reference back into the darkness with the sound of a rolling chair and muffled screams.

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The library wants you to know that the new book in the series you love will be on hold for you to pick upon the day it is released. You can't "go in the back and read a few pages" while we catalog.

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The library six thousand mile fun run is coming soon. Coming soon for you, Dale.

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Library staff remember few patron names unless you have started some shit. For instance, all staff know of, listed without context for anonymity:

1. Magazine guy

2. Kid that ate shit in Reference or KidShitRef

3. Round and Round Mom

4. Help Us Upload Our Personal Pictures Couple

5. Massage Guy

6. Nosebleed Anime Dude

7. Graffiti Greg

8. Correcting history Carl

9. Push Up Mom

10. The Frog

11. Mr. Boddy

12. Pete Post-it

13. Grumpy Butt

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The library reference department answers questions in person, by mail, on the phone, by scrying, and by necromancy. Tina Patterson, your mother wanted you to know she loves you, look in the hidden bottom of her jewelry box, and that Harry Anderson did not play the same character in the sitcoms Cheers and Night Court.

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The branch library on the other side of the county in the Forbidden Wood has nothing for you.

The stapler from the reference desk has been found in the shelves where someone was using it to close the pages of history books they disagreed with. Booo to you, asshole.

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The glowing tome has attracted so many followers we are having a special "Glowing Tome Meat and Greet" Friday, April 10th. Please bring ponchos and don't eat grapefruit if you will be close to the stage.

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The circulation desk lives on your tears. Since we went fine free it has been dying.

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The library will be closed for professional development Monday, April 13. The knives don't sharpen themselves.

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Some days you just don't have time to get through all life has to throw at you. Kids need to make it to soccer practice. Spouse has started a new yarn hobby. Your father-in-law might be a serial killer. With all that going on, the Banned Library would love to serve as a distraction. For $1 a month, you can join the Friends of the Banned Library. We have a decade of content, from blogs to podcasts to incoherent gibberish. Truly the ravings of a madman at times. Just like your father-in-law but without the fixation on pilot's eyeballs. patreon.com/bannedlibrary

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The library is aware next week, April 13-17, will be spring break for local schools. We are also aware local businesses ignore this and do not offer childcare options. Just pointing that out.

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Oral history: "Drunken Bear at Holiday Creek" from Chester Corning, 72, of 89 Wellman Road. Mr. Corning is a lifetime county resident, a sales and repair person for the Xenith corporation until retirement. He lives with his wife, Jennifer, and one son Brad who is a slap bracelet influencer.

"I was about twenty. This is 1975. Summer. June. Maybe I was twenty-one. Hot summer, not like now with the government lasers. Proper hot. Hot enough you painted your house at night and dammed up the creeks so you could have a nice place to pee. One of those hot summer days you had to dive four feet down to get to cold water and the mosquitos and antflies and leeches would come for your blood. Not a lot of danger from rabbits or snakes cause there were so many cats to eat. Fire and tarnation, every night that summer you could hear the cats going at it. I used to say, if my barn's a knockin, get me my shotgun cause cat's good eating.

"There were some bear warnings, but they were mixed in with all the news about a dozen or so missing hikers and nursing students. You could never tell what was real when there's so much to sift through.

"So me and Jimmy [James] and Kay [Kaynathan Loosmore] Burnette and Teddy [Theodonk] Corman and Vicky [Victoria] Roberts were gathering up rocks to throw at each other. Me and Vicky had been dating a while. I met her at a spring social and got her drunk. The next week, her daddy beat me solid when I brought her home.

"Jennifer, my wife, hates when I tell that story, but she hates drinking.

"Jimmy and Kay were married by that point. Had little Jerry waiting at home. Teddy was there because ever time we left him alone he would burn something. He was a character, but a good man to have along when hiking.

"So we were out at Holiday Creek and had a good arm load of rocks each. We had talked earlier and agreed no throwing at the face. Vicky and Kay and Jimmy and me had talked private, and we figured if we all hit Teddy hard enough he would sleep the afternoon away. That's what we did. Counted to three, I yelled "Turn'em loose," and we took that boy down. Slept like an angel.

"Jimmy and I got the booze from the car and piled it on the sandbar. It was a hot afternoon, so I only got us ten quarts of Heaven Sent Whiskey. We stripped down to swimming clothes and had us an afternoon.

"A little while later, Vicky and I retired behind some bushes to play hide the salami. For a nursing student, Vicky could hide a salami. Took me almost an hour to find it that afternoon. There I was in the bushes, blind drunk, hungry, stomping around yelling 'Dammit, woman, don't eat all the cheese and crackers before I find that salami.'

"Jennifer hates that part, but she hates salami.

"So Jimmy was screaming because there was a bear drinking all our whiskey and eating Teddy. Reminded me of those cartoons of the bear in the red shirt who loves honey, has the stuff all over his paws as he digs in honey jars. Except the red shirt and honey were Teddy's blood and the honey jar was Teddy's mangled torso. No pants, though. That was the same.

"Kay and Jimmy are yelling about something. I forget what they said. Vicky, she was a spitfire. She picked up a log and went at that beast, yelling, 'Go on. Get.' Waving that log like an Amazon warrior. That bear took one look at that beautiful warrior woman and let out a roar that rattled my bones and sent birds flying a mile off. Vicky yelled back, but with one swipe of a thick paw her head was torn from her body. Another nursing student gone in a violent drunken bear attack.

"Jennifer don't mind that part so much. Doesn't like horror movies, but cackles like a mad woman when I describe that bear killing the first love of my life.

"At this point, I saw all the Heavenly Sent Whiskey bottles at the bear's feet when Vicky's head landed among them. I had my pocket knife. I decided right then and there Jimmy and Kay would tuck little Jerry into bed that night.

"Using a stick and some vines, I created a crude spear with my pocket knife. Then I found some flint in the creek bed and used that to start a fire. We used Vicky's log to get some coals going. I sharpened some sticks while the two of them got dressed. A few minutes later I had coffee brewed. Kay and Jimmy accepted my spears and coffee. Fortified, we turned to face the beast who had killed Teddy and Vicky.

"The animal had violently vomited and passed out. We charged and stabbed the creature until no breath could be found. Then we cried a bit from shock, then field stripped the animal, tanned the hide, and dined on bear steak with wild greens before having a quiet funeral. Then we went home. I think I watched an episode of Maude that night."

The library wants to remind everyone that playing pranks in the building Wednesday, April 1st, will end in pain and screaming and a permanent ban.

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The library bookmobile will be available for deliveries to recoup the impound fees incurred after the sheriff impounded the vehicle due to "moving violations," "parking violations," and "selling moonshine without a license." The bookmobile will no longer have moonshine available. Wink.

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The glowing tome in the special collections is not calling to you. Please do not break the protective glass around the book.

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The library wants to send a special shout out to a birthday girl this week. Katy, may the next year be full of smiles and joy, warmth and love. Thank you for sharing your time with me.

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Hark! Doth thou see the ads upon thy page! Doth… Look, I don't get paid enough to write copy in Shakespeare. See all them ads all over the library's website? That's how we pay for the site as well as the drugs and books and other stuff libraries need to operate. It's not cheap, but we'd love to no longer have ads in the way, so we set up the Friends of the Banned Library over on patreon. For $1 a month, you can see all this content, some of it earlier than it appears on the website as well as extra podcast episodes. Who knows, if enough people join we may be able to take down the ads and provide tech services the expensive sex workers and top shelf whiskey they keep asking for!

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The library offers competitive health insurance and salary benefits as long as you never get sick and live in the library.

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The full moon will be on the day of fools. Do not believe those that tell you the moon is a lie. The moon does not lie. The moon tells the truth of the universe, and we are its dream. One day the moon will wake, and what fools we will all be. What fools we are to believe the moon will be lucid when it awakes and tells its spouse about all the beings of sadness it dreamed now vapor in its mind. And the moon's spouse will tell it to not eat chili before bed anymore and roll over and go to sleep. The moon will burp and agree not to be full of chili after seven pm. Then the moon will say to no one in particular "They thought they mattered."

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The reference stapler has still not been found. Please give it back before they "go out back."

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Children's will be having a special video game story time this week that is legally distinct in every way from any property. So come on down and play with us as we kick walking flowers and hit turtles with bricks shaped like black holes in Super Duper Bario Universe Story Time! 

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The library will once again be putting on our passion play for the Eostre celebration this weekend. Starting Friday, we will find a criminal with some ideas about the world and torture the hell out of him, her, or they. As long as he or she or they keeps saying we should all be nice to each other and that he/she/they is a god or whatever, we'll keep up the violence until that punk dies. Then we'll chunk the body in a hole and cover it with a rock. Biggest one we can find. Saturday we will have a cake and tea dinner. Sunday right at the crack of dawn we will check the big rock. If it's still there, six more weeks of spring. It has been pointed out that since we are right at the beginning of spring that this is a foregone conclusion, but maybe this year the rock will move or whatever. Sunday afternoon more cake and tea and a light dance party to celebrate the coming of Eostre. Bring your own rabbit and/or eggs.

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The library water fountain is once again operational after someone was elected on a campaign of city-wide "fruit punch for free" and implemented the promise first with city hall and then the library. "Chicken finger Friday" has been a success, however.

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The Spring Survival Reading Program will continue in full next week, April 6-11. Now that we have trained in hand-to-hand combat and have a packing list, here is a general itinerary for the week's events:

• Monday, April 6 - Gather at the library at dawn. Buses leave as the sun rises, and we venture into the wilderness. When we have gone far enough, we will set up camp and find water. A spaghetti dinner along with drinks will end the evening.

• Tuesday, April 7 - Breakfast at 7am and a light round of trust exercises. Then we divide into camps finding those that do not belong. Those happy few will not be told and will be fed just like the rest.

• Wednesday, April 8 - Those designated "ones that do not belong" will be set free into the wilderness. Then THE HUNT will begin.

• Thursday, April 9 - THE HUNT will continue.

• Friday, April 10 - THE HUNT will continue. For survivors, a small party with refreshments will end the night.

• Saturday, April 11 - Graduation ceremony! Buses will arrive and take survivors back to the library for a pizza social and debrief by the local hunting lodge.

The library spam folder is full of spam. The library ham folder is full of ham. Same with the turkey folder and baloney folder and going on down. We categorize all the lunch meat.

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A follow-up to last week's St. Patty's Story Time: Please return all snakes to the library as soon as possible. They were rented.

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On March 20, the earth was brought into equality. Day was night and night was day and none was longer than the other. All things were in balance for a precious moment. Water met fire. Wind met earth. The reference librarian and the tech services librarian were in the same room without swords being drawn. Miracles happened and plants bloomed and the skies opened and cried joy. Let slip the cries of joy! The beginning and the end were one and the ouroboros sighed in contentment. May we now slip toward the bright and the green and the growth of all things until at such a time we welcome the cold and the dark and the death. Story Time everyday at noon, three, and five.

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The reference department wants its stapler back. They won't ask any questions. They'll just go to the back, and if it's on the reference desk when they return then everything will be fine.

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Quick movie review: Scream 7 would have been better if the studio wasn't a bunch of assholes. We didn't see it, a first for the franchise.

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DANGER! If you continue forward you risk the following:

Learning about library programs

Learning about library materials

Learning about library staff

Learning about the Friends of the Banned Library on Patreon. For $1 a month, you get these posts early as well as the full podcast released weekly!

Learning that you are a really cool person.

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Ms. Alfreda Allgood wishes to thank everyone who came to her gardening program in the library flower beds last Tuesday. Ms. Allgood especially would like to thank the teenage dirtbags who gave her seeds for the "dank shit." A good time was had by all.

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Story time this week will be a story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. It's a banger.

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Did you know the library had a bookstore?! Neither did we. Turns out someone has been selling library books from an old van in the alley behind the library. We have taken over that operation after aggressive negotiations by our law firm Smith & Wesson. The bookstore will still be in the same great location, the old van in the alley behind the library, with even better service and less roaches. Come down to the library and see what discounted books you can find. First 1000 customers get as many National Geographic magazines as they want while supplies last.

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Ancient secrets hang between wisps of cobwebs throughout the special collections shelves. We also have a cool turtle skeleton.

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The library pens are coated in a secret chemical that will light on fire if removed from the building. So, no, spontaneous combustion has not been realized just yet.

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Hiring a library page, interview, Candace Lacey:

Librarian: Thank you for meeting with me today.

Candace Lacey: I'm so happy y'all called. Just about bust a fuckin gut.

L: Okay, well, do you have any questions before we begin?

CL: Yeah. Do y'all have all the good books in the back?

L: The good books?

CL: With fuckin and whatnot.

L: I'm sorry. You're interviewing to be a library page?

CL: Can you not tell me? Is it a secret?

L: I meant do you have questions about the interview?

CL: Oh, yeah, sure. I guess you only share the good books when people get hired.

L: Have you ever worked in a library before?

CL: Naw. I mean, I come in here a lot when I was a little girl. My mama would drop me off outside with a sandwich. Sometimes the police took me home.

L: We do have many children in the library. Do you have experience working with children?

CL: Does my husband count?

L (laughs): Not quite.

CL: Oh. Well, he's five years younger than me, so he should. Moved out of his mama's house and into mine. Daddy gave us the trailer on the far end of the lot. I've been trying to get him to pick up his clothes, stop playing video games, leave the dog alone with his poking stick.

L: Poking stick?

CL: It's a stick he pokes stuff with. He's outside with it right now. You can see it if you want.

L: That's okay.

CL: I just wish he'd stop shooting off his guns in the house. If he wasn't hung like a bull I'd kick him out. Course he'd probably just run back to Dinty's house.

L: Dinty?

CL: My cousin. Ladinda Monroe. They were in school together. When they graduate in May, she's gonna go off to Hollywood, but it's mostly because of her chest anybody believes she has any talent at all. I didn't believe her as the plant in that play where the plant eats people. That plant didn't even have tits.

L: What would you say is your most valuable skill?

CL: My personality. I'm a people person.

L: What would you say is a skill you need to work on the most?

CL: My jump shot's for shit.

L: Okay, thank you very much. We will be in touch.

CL: Can I see them books in the back? 

The library has relatives visiting so if we look busy, goddamn it, yes we are busy and have to keep working. The world doesn't stop because you drove ninety miles, Cousin Rob.

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What the stars can tell us reaches back to the dawn of time and far into the future. An ever expanding universe can be yours at the library "Astronomy Now!" program held outside the library in the courtyard this Thursday evening. Come as local astronomers set up their telescopes and ritual gear to peer into the black abyss far above and call down those beings more powerful than we can ever imagine to answer the eternal question: "What's up with all the tentacles?" Astronomy Now! Library courtyard, Thursday, March 19th from 8pm to midnight. 

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The library group chat is mostly memes about things burning.

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Children's St Patty's Story Time will be happening at noon on March 17th. The fountain will be dyed green, the snakes will be loose in the building, and everyone will be pissed. Bring your own Guinness. March 17, 12pm.

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Sunday Sunday SUNDAY! Come on down to the FRIENDS OF THE LIBRARY patreon and see the EXTREME content and EXTREME action as we discuss LIFE and THE DECAY OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION. For the blog, it's the same content you love on the website but EARLIER. For $1 a month, you get EXTREME amounts of podcast episodes, including early SHITTIER and RAMBLING nonsense from almost a decade ago. FRIENDS OF THE LIBRARY, join the patreon or don't! 

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Reference has a new collection of local histories called "Local Histories." They are not page-turners.

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Once upon a time, a little child came to the library. The little child was poor and hungry, with nothing on against the cold winter wind but an old blanket her mother had given her. Her mother had passed the year before, and her father had vanished after the funeral.

     The little child walked around the building until she found a chair. She sat and huddled under her blanket. Beside her was a copy of "Silence of the Lambs" by William Harris. The little child began to read and was engrossed by the wonderful nature of the serial killer narrative.

     Pretty soon, a patron took notice of the little child. The patron, a nosy bastard, stalked over to the child and tore the book from her little hands. The patron stalked over to the circulation desk and demanded to speak to a librarian.

     "No child should have access to this book!" the patron said.

     While waiting to speak to a librarian, patron talked to everyone how the library let children read pornography. The little child quietly slid behind the patron. She kicked out at the back of the patron's knee. The older person cried out and slumped. The child then took the patron by the hair and smacked the patron's head into the desk. The patron dropped the book and fell to the floor unconscious.

     The child picked up her book and went back to her chair. There she continued reading until the library closed.

     The librarian had seen the entire event from the security cameras. The librarian approved. The librarian then called the police to come pick up the obvious drug addicted lunatic who was accosting children at the library. The patron was held for psychiatric evaluation for ninety days, continually dosed with tranquilizers to stop outbursts.

     At closing, the librarian approached the child. The librarian asked if the child had considered a career in library and information science.

     And that's how librarians are made.

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Story time this week will be extra long so we can impart the wisdom of communal living with children who may or may not survive the coming insanity.

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RETRACTION: A few weeks ago the library published the following: "Quick review of the 1985 movie Back to the Future: Fucking rocks my socks." We would like to apologize to all those who were offended and offer the following: "Back to the Future fucking rocks all the socks." Thank you.

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Voting at the library could not be easier! All you have to do is gather all documents that prove citizenship, choose any three (3) of the following:

• Birth certificate

• Photo ID

• DNA sample

• Photo of you with an appropriate United States politician

• Firearm licence (concealed carry optional)

• A slice of homemade apple pie cooled on a window sill overlooked by a hungry beggar

• A stock portfolio of American businesses or businesses in which an appropriate United States politician also invests

• A bald eagle to verify your American-ness

• A presidential pardon

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Oral history, The Great Pillow Fire of 1968 from Randall Paul "R. P." Weary (1946-), lifelong county resident: "Man, those pillows burned like a son of a gun."

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The library apologizes for the lapse in internet connectivity at the main branch over the weekend during the thunderstorm. The disconnect happened when a now former employee took advantage of the storm and caused a general internet and power outage across the system to allow himself to smuggle various items out the back door while security was down. We recognize the struggle this caused many patrons as we worked to resume service. Many items in controlled environments may have escaped during the outage but have now been contained. The loss of life was regrettable, and the library thanks the Costa Rican government for its help once the storm passed. Please come enjoy dinosaur books in the library!

The library reserves the right of trial by combat for damaged books.

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This past weekend was the ending of "The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs." Bittersweet and painful ending, although there will be a few specials coming. If you have not seen or don't know about the show, it stars Joe Bob Briggs, the champion of low-grade and underwatched movies that used to play in drive-in theaters. The blood, breasts, and beasts kind of films made on low budgets often by first-time filmmakers looking to break into filmmaking. Usual horror movie host fare, Joe Bob and Darcy the Mail-girl would come on and banter, give some facts about the movie, and at times interview people involved with the movie or just someone interesting. What made it great was that it was live. It was appointment viewing because they didn't say what they were playing before the 6pm (PST) start time. Many a Friday over the last seven years I sat with friends and drank beer, texted with friends about the movie, and/or jumped on social media to joke. The Mutant Family, as the fans are called, became a community. Good people and laughter is always a good time, and that's what The Last Drive-In gave. Most of the movies and all of Joe Bob's commentary are still available on Shudder, the horror streaming service. Thank you to Joe Bob and Darcy and everyone on the show that made many Fridays so much better over the last seven years. The drive-in will never die.

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The library is looking up the word "pedantic" in the dictionary so we'll use it right when telling our diary about today's reference interaction.

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Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do! The library does because the website costs money and so does our valuable time. To help out, we created the Friends of the Banned Library on Patreon, patreon.com/bannedlibrary. For a $1 a month, you get everything we publish early from podcasts to blogs as well as the past episodes that aren't available anywhere else. Check it out!

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Today the library fountain stopped working and the stress that was caused cannot be measured. Unless you measure things in the amount of screams a group of people can produce in a given hour. Then you would measure the stress caused by the library fountain not working as "a bunch of screams."

     The library fountain sits just off the magazine section near the staircase. The base is circular concrete about three and a half feet high with a small "fence" of plexiglass on top to discourage sitting. The ornament in the middle is a depiction of the Great God Pan standing on rocks playing his pipes to lure creatures into his sexual embrace. The Great God Pan is well-endowed and ready for action. Water flows from the pipes and from the top of the Great God Pan's head (between his satyr horns) into the basin that has decorative rocks and a few lights at the bottom. At night the lights remain on creating horned shadows that dance and flicker.

     A brass plaque next to the fountain reads "Presented and funded by the Ladies' Auxiliary Lumber Association, 'Great God Pan Welcomes You' a sculpture and fountain created by local "mad wizard" Abdul Alhazred. Dedicated August 28, 1876."

     The primary function of the fountain is to mask noise in the building. White noise in a public space with as many hard surfaces as the library has helps to keep sound carrying. Feet shuffling, pages turning, coughing, nail clipping, the constant murmur of voices, and farting all can cause the human mind to fold in on itself. Within two minutes of the fountain failing, three people fell to the ground grasping their heads. An hour later a woman gave birth at the reference desk; just walked up and popped a squat screaming. The man who sits on the computer all day typing a document stood up and left an hour before closing. Strange things continued as strange thoughts entered into strange minds.

     We have called JT's Plumbing and Stuff to come work on the fountain, as well as the Ladies' Auxiliary Lumber Association and the mad wizard Abdul Alhazred's family. Children's thinks they saw the Great God Pan move during story time.

     May the Great God have mercy on our souls.

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The newest edition of "Haunted Doll Monthly" is available in the magazine section. The article titled "Mannequin: Movie or Legend?" is a game changer.

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Signups for the Library Eoster Celebration are available on the website. Please remember that everyone attending will be required to bring your own rabbit this year. Children under 13 must be supervised by an adult. Those over 65 will not be allowed to explain how "it was better in my day."

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The children's department asks for a moment of silence after the passing of the summer reading mascot Nugget the goldfish. Please do not put animals in the library fountain.

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Quick review: Wuthering Heights (2026) needed more Nicholas Cage.

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The library gallery will be hosting the collection "Fan-Art of Dumpsty Pumpsty" including the local artist Pumpsty's short film rendition of Disney's Frozen if it had been created by Don Bluth. Parental guidance not needed. If it's too freaky, you're too deaky.

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The children's program "Satanic Panic Boogaloo" will begin this Friday at midnight.

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Top 10 things not to do during your colonoscopy:

1. Move Around

2. Eat a pocket cheeseburger

3. Discuss the ending of Breaking Bad

4. Fight back

5. Ask for them to reach around

6. Think about the fact that you are allowing another human being to drug you while another human being roots around in your bowels while yet another human being watches and you don't even get to enjoy it

7. Complain about current government policies

8. Yell "Wrong hole, Ron!"

9. Make the following puns: "get to the bottom of it," "time to come clean," or "this is crappy."

10. Claim sudden religious epiphany

The bookmobile has Children's Department programs that may involve glitter. We do not have a "girl that runs shine."

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Oral history from Jane Dodger, 82, of 2234 Oak Lane about the Buff Shine Carwash that stood out on Route 32 going east: "People forget about washing their car ever since Buff's went away. That old carwash was almost the center of town. You'd see everybody there. Like church, only with more yelling about antennas. Ole Mr. Eric, that's the man who owned the place, Eric Glibber, he had a stack of antennas that the automatic machine would cut off. People were supposed to turn off the car and back then the antenna for the radio would lower down in the car cause they were rigid metal. The scrubbers would snap them off, send them flinging across the parking lot if they hit the scrubber right. That's how the Naidu boy lost his eye. Kyle Naidu. He went off in the Army and lied about his glass eye. Got shot at Fort Campbell in Kentucky. Kyle Naidu dead at twenty. I can remember him holding that car antenna at class assemblies answering questions. 'Do you see with that one eye good?' 'Yup.' 'Can you still drive?' 'Yup.' 'You ever play Space Invaders down at the Drinks and Stuff?' 'Naw.' He was a sweet talker. Talked me right out of my panties one time behind the Buff Shine. Lot of kids would wait for Ole Mr. Eric to leave for the day. The moon would rise, and we'd drive behind the Buff and get in the buff. That means naked. Didn't need drinks for that. Not every time. For drinks we'd go out to…" At this point the Ms. Dodger's history moved from the Buff Shine Carwash to the Drinks and Girls and Stuff.

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The library will be hosting a screening of "Humphrey Bogart's Colonoscopy," a new film by local boy F. O. Fuller this Saturday, Feb. 21 at 5pm.

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Thirty years ago this very week, a madman ran rampant through the town killing multiple teenagers. Hidden by a mask and the new technology of "cellular phones," the killer taunted and horrified their victims before dealing them a brutal death. Knives slashed, gunshots rang out, and a garage door slowly raised. Screams echoed from one end of town to the other. Story Time is back every Tuesday and Thursday, 3pm and 5pm.

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Look at those ads on this page provided by the good people at the ad companies worldwide. Smiling faces. Happy products. Do you even see them anymore? Does your mind go numb to the constant barrage of banners and pop-ups that litter the online space like billboards on a Florida highway? Come on in, fresh showers and free HBO, the billboards say. Fireworks all year round. Welcome to the Porn Barn! Only 10 miles to the Porn Barn! Arcade for the kids. Mini-Porn Barn Golf. What were we saying? Oh yeah, join the Friends of the Banned Library on patreon. $1 a month gets all the stuff we do, new stuff early and old stuff right on time. Check it out: patreon.com/bannedlibrary

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A glowing tome in the special collection is either radioactive or infused with unholy light. Either way, don't read it aloud.

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If you talk too long at the reference desk, we will slowly increase the music until you leave.

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Lyrics to the Children's Department song for the Sing-a-long next week cannot be printed due to certain copyright limitations. Let's just say it rhymes with "Duck the Geese" by a little band called NWA for your own reference.

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Another friendly winter reminder to put down salt and have whistles handy in case you see ice near the library. Fuck ice this winter, but don't fuck ice this winter.

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Packing list for the Spring Survival Reading Program:

• Two pairs of pants

• Two pairs of underwear

• Two pairs of socks

• Seventeen shirts

• Hiking shoes and shoes for the crick

• Snake bite kit

• Cat bite kit

• Naegleria fowleri bite kit

• Disposable friend

• Three books of at least 200 pages

• Toiletries

• Ax

• .30-06 shells

• Jason Statham movie, preferably from the last 10 years

• Cigarette lighter

• Cigarettes

• At least $30 in cash in 1s, 5s, and 10s.

• Coins for the ferryman

• Sleeping bag

• Tent

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The library has a new and exciting…. Fuck it. Free Snacks Program Saturday at noon. Education will be provided.

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The library is reverse Disneyland. We want you to drop dead.

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The library loves the smell of napalm in the morning and hopes he was surrounded by people who loved him near the end. GNU Robert Duvall

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A little story for bedtime you can tell the little ones:

Once upon a time there was a small boy who lived next to a pollution treatment plant. The boy liked to adopt the little animals that crawled from the treatment plant land. He had a little two headed bird named Biscuit. A rabbit with six legs called Tater. Two turtles who were conjoined twins named Bacon and Eggs. One day a news man came by with a camera and ran a story about the boy in the newspaper. The story made the boy famous. Then the boy grew a big bump on his leg the size of a can of corn. Then he died. And the moral of the story is, don't eat animals from a pollution treatment plant.

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Ever wondered how you can give back to your local library? So do we. Start with "Thank you."

The library will no longer allow service alligators.

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Renee Allgood, a community member in good library standing, wants everyone to know that they are loved and she is unloved. "Maybe it's just me. I try to tell everyone about how much love the Creator has for them while at the same time the Creator has left me behind in this pit of snakes. Why King Lothor of the White Room, who formed all matter from your luscious thighs, have your forgotten your humble servant?! Why are you allowing my neighbor Andy Duplass's roses to grow and bloom with such majesty while my grass is brown? King Lothor the Creator, please bless my hairdryer!" Views of community members do not reflect the views of the library.

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Movie Review: Good Luck, Have Fun, and Don't Die (2026) directed by Gore Verbinski, written by Matthew Robinson, and starring Sam Rockwell, Juno Temple, and Haley Lu Richardson. A lot of movies fall into two camps: complex social dramas and entertaining nonsense. A few muscle their way onto the screen, screaming and dripping with intention. Good Luck does the latter. A time traveler shows up in a diner looking for the correct people to stop a horrible future from coming to be. This is a mean, dirty little movie that wants you to put down your phone and pay attention if it has to kill every character to do it. If this movie came at you in a dark alley or in a small diner, it would smile as it raised a sock full of half a brick and swing it with a two-step. If you managed to knock it down, this movie would go for your ankles and laugh while it brought you down. A pure movie of chaos with the intent to drown you and make you come up with answers because its concerned about the questions and fuck you if you don't care. Bring the kids.

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Reference has a new antique pricing guide that includes all the shit your racist grandpa kept.

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Children's is not trying to indoctrinate your children with the "Brush Your Teeth" song.

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Book of the Week: How to Dance Safely by Werner Bailor. In this nonfiction how-to book, Mr. Bailor outlines the steps of many modern dance moves. An excerpt: "When you are about to dance, look for a partner. If you have a partner in mind, ask if they have friends. If their friends also dance, have fun. If they do not, then leave them behind because those that do not dance can harm those that do. Dancing can become out of control."

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The large crates that just arrived at the back of the library are for library science purposes. Ignore the man yelling "Shoot her!" and all the screams.

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In a world where facts are up for debate and the truth is a thing people talk about like they know what they are talking about, libraries exist. They continue to provide curated content with as few ads as possible, except maybe for a book or movie we like. Libraries, they're what's for dinner. Paid for by the Friends of the Banned Library, a for-profit fifteen year long drunken experiment. patreon.com/bannedlibrary

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Hiring a library page, interview:

Librarian: Have you ever worked in a library?

Subject 1: I have studied in the library.

L: But you have not been employed by a library.

S1: I helped the librarian in my high school get things off the high shelf.

L: I'm going to mark down "no." Please recite the alphabet.

S1: Which one?

L: The common A to Z one used by most English speakers.

S1: I don't speak English.

L: You are speaking it now.

S1: I'm speaking American.

L: Can you recite the American alphabet?

S1: No.

L: Put these numbers in order (Cards are placed on the table with the following numbers: 342.5, 233, 876, 342, 342.52, and 341)

S1: I didn't know there would be math.

L: Just do the best you can.

(5 minutes pass)

S1: Are there always so many people here? I can't work with this many people here.

L: The library is often full, but it's just you and me in the room. I can leave if you need.

S1: No, I'm fine.

L: Just do the best you can.

S1: There.

L: You have not moved any of the cards.

S1: That's my final answer. Unless I can call my dad.

L: No, that's fine. It says here you graduated from college with an engineering degree?

S1: Yup. Go Wildcats.

L: Why are you looking for a job at the library?

S1: My dad said he would turn off my phone if I didn't get a job.

L: What made you choose the library?

S1: My dad's on the board and said all you guys do is nothing.

L: We'll be in touch.

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Earlier this month, the library lamented the existence of Spider-Man: One More Day. To update, it still sucks.

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Special collections had some special brownies and is just thinking about how long history really is.

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They sat at the computer desk. One right handed. One left handed. Mouses clicking along, searching and reading and playing. One left hand held one right hand. They smiled to themselves and pointed with their free hands. They shared. The laughed. They cringed. They held hands.

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The library fountain is there to mask all the fart sounds.

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The library "Valentines with a Book" display led to some awkward dates and even more awkward morning after questions.

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Oral history selection: "One time we had this bear we caught cause some rich jackass wanted to shoot a damn bear. Big fella. Black bear. We called it Beary. The rich fella ran late, and we had a few bottles with us out at Scooter Henson's place. Sooner or later the bear fell asleep next to the tree where we tied it. We sat there passing the bottle and telling stories. Stories about war. The good ones, not the ones where people died cause that whiskey can make some fellas remember what they want it to make them forget. 

     Stories like when the boys came up on some French fellas and gave them cake. You could tell the French hated that American cake cause it wasn't French, but they were nice about it. Hungry. Later we had that French cake. You like what you grow up with, but they know things about butter we don't. 

     Anyway, it got to be around dark and the bear woke up. Figured we should feed it and found some venison Andy Tack had shot earlier the week. Scooter started grinning and poured some water and whiskey into a bowl for that bear. He didn't want to drink it at first, but then that big ole murder rug drank it all and looked for more. So that was how we got drunk with a bear one night.

     Next morning the rich feller showed up. We had let the bear go. Damn thing licked Scooter's face and swayed off into the dark probably looking for a mama bear to fit just right. The rich feller tried to make a stink, but we got him drunk and left him naked by a creek in the sun. Sumbitch looked like a cardinal in spring. We did that a lot to the rich jackasses."

The library phone is for emergencies or really cool prank calls only.

The library asks that if anyone sees ice in the library to let staff know immediately with the loudest voice possible. Ice in our library, on our sidewalks, or on our streets is a cause for concern. Those that ignore the dangers of ice may one day become a victim of ice.

Next Wednesday the library conference room will be unable to be reserved due to melon smashing.

The reference department would like to celebrate teenager James Turner for checking out the most books from the art book section. And the health section. And the older issues of National Geograph… wait a minute.

Have you ever felt like the advertisement you are seeing somewhere on this page is telling you to kill the neighbors and harvest their souls for the army you will lead into armageddon? Well, tell those ads to take a hike by subscribing for $1 a month to the Friends of the Banned Library Patreon: patreon.com/bannedlibrary and see stuff before your friends. Or your infernal enemies.

Children's is not just glitter and story time and empathy. We're also training hand to hand combat. See you at the Spring Survival Reading Program held later this week in the woods down by the crick.

The library is still mad about Spider-Man: One More Day.

The clock above the circulation desk is to remind you of how time is fleeting. How your life washes through your hands as you try to catch it. How a silent ticking began with the start of the universe. How it twists and turns as space wraps around itself and shortens the moments we have with one another. How that small circle with numbers acts as a reminder that we are here, now, becoming more than what we are and losing more than we ever needed as atoms shed and combine, as cells scream into the cosmos of our being, as the number of breaths left in our lives decreases each moment with the same rhythm of your heart. The clock above the circulation desk is also about five minutes slow.

The library will be having a Dawson's Creek marathon in the gereatric section. GNU James Van Der Beek.

Quick review of the 1985 movie Back to the Future: Fucking rocks my socks.

The library recently found a small business operation happening in the woods behind the building. This made us go into the history books about the county to see what other entrepreneurial spirits have found themselves in our area:

1805: Sandy Lesher's Sawmill opens on the Opal River

1806: Boone's Farm Liquor and Stuff opens

1822: The small town gets its first dry goods store, The Dry Goods and Stuff Store

1824: The town gets a wet good store, Johnson's Moist Stuff

1833: A second dry goods store opens, Better and Dryer Goods

1836: Wal-Mart opens

1837: Colonial Timber begins operation and builds railroads to the area

1855: First Trust and Stuff Bank opens

1864: Yankee Candle Store opens downtown

1888: Madam Flerty LaChance opens a small boutique clothing store and boarding house called "Bottoms"

1903: Taco Bell opens out by edge of town

1918: Some English guy tried to open something with the word "crumpet" in the title

1925: Taco Bell opens downtown

1925: The Empire Theater opens downtown

1922: Old Man Motter's Savings and Loan opens

1925: Bailey Bros. Building & Loan Association opens

1925: Lesher's Pool Hall opens

1925: Lesher's Place Behind the Pool Hall opens

1928: Can't Fail Bank opens

1938: Taco Bell opens on Emerson St by the Elementary School

1955: Lou's Cafe opens

1958: Little Peter "Lefty" Lesher opens a lemonade stand on Maple Dr.

1959: Taco Bell opens on Maple Dr next to the lemonade stand

1966: Teenage Lefty Lesher begins a garden operation of "tobacco" called Homegrown

1962: Amway invades, burning homes and leaving products around to be sold at budget prices.

1965: George Jetson arrives in a flying car. Not a business, but it was weird.

1970: The Orange Rope Italian Happy Place opens

1975: Lefty Lesher opens a pharmacy downtown, Lefty's Hometown Drugs

1977: Sbarro Pizza appears

1984: The Highway Market Mall opens around the Sbarro featuring twenty-seven store fronts and a movie theater, The Movie Place and Stuff

1982: The Elegant Garden, a drive-thru Chinese place, is opened

1985: Studio 64 opens downtown

1986: Super Wal-Mart opens

1986: Richard "Right On" Lesher opens a joint law business and tax consultant business downtown, Lesher Pure Snow Associates

1989: Batman and Comics and Stuff opens

1994: Right On Lesher opens an import/export business down by the docks called "Shipping and Nothing Else"

1997: Internet Cafe opens downtown

2002: Beanie Baby Land opens

2005: Downtown revitalization begins with Old Rich Lady Art and Stuff

2006: Ye Olde Booke Shoppe, Cool Stuff and Stuff, Tattoo and Me, Potato Art Factory open downtown

2015: Cafe 80s opens at the former location of Lou's Cafe

2020: Kissing booth opens

2025: Greg's Shooting Gallery opens

Every library where I have worked has Luke Skywalker as a patron. Luke was set up in my first week at each institution. He's checked out display materials, put book club books on hold, and reserved spaces all over the library. Luke is my silent library partner.

     To put your mind at ease, Luke Skywalker does not exist. That's not the full truth. He lives in the hearts and minds of children the world over. And apparently in Canton, MI and Portland, TN. Those are not my Luke's and you should leave them alone.

     Plus my Luke's address is 1130 Galaxy Far Away St. Not many of those in the United States.

     So you ask, library dude, why make up a person for the library? Is this unethical, immoral, or stupid?

     First of all, fuck you.

     Second, let's leave all those goody-goody notions at the library double doors. This is not some crazy way to damn the man, either. Simply put, Luke makes my life easier.

     Not just mine. Most of the people I have trained have used him and made their own. Luke is the reference department slut, passed around to whoever needs a quick helping hand, a kind word, and a good time but not a long time. He's also the reference department bouncer. Anything put on hold or reserved for Luke is noticeable by other staff as reference.

     Now I'm hearing you ask, library dude, why not just call it The Reference Department or some official title?

     Who let the buzzkill question haver in this blog?

     Hey nerd, Luke Skywalker can go where staff cannot. He's a patron account. His holds do not go to the bottom of the pile. He can keep a room longer because when Admin sees a patron using the room they don't immediately try to cancel the booking for their own means. Luke is a person to Administration with thoughts and feelings and the ability to complain.

     (Administration often forgets or simply cannot hear staff complaints. We think it is genetic born from incestual nepotism.)

     Luke also has the benefit of looking cool on lists. Nobody cares when they see "Department, Reference." But everybody wants to know Mr. Skywalker's bullshit. When staff see his holds arrive, those items came to my team. Sometimes with lightsaber sounds (or Transformer sounds if it's Brenda cause she can't remember sounds so good).

     Do you have a Luke? Or a Seymour Butts or I.P. Freely? Let me know.

A staple of the action genre is the "who is this guy" plot. A bunch of ne'er do wells go about their crimes, but catches the attention of a hidden badass living amongst the goodasses. As their best fodder is being destroyed, the guy next to the head evil guy will say, "who is this guy?"

     Many made this subgenre their end of career cash cow. Jason Statham has done these roles his entire career for one reason: he's great at it. Probably a couple hundred other million reasons, but those don't affect me. In 2026's Shelter, nothing is new yet it's all good.

     You have seen this movie. Director Ric Roman Waugh and his crew do a great job of mimicking the action movies of the last twenty years. That's not a slight. The man is a former stunt performer so everything looks great. They took some John Wick, a lot from the Bourne movies, threw in some Lone Wolf and Cub out comes an action gumbo that has a few technical flaws but has little heart to it despite trying very hard. Mason is a hermit living on an island, a young girl comes under his protection at the same time the people he was hiding from find out where he is, so he has to kill everyone to make sure she's okay.

     Also they kill a dog. A very good boy. It did not feel cheap for the story, organic in the moment, but I am not sure what the point was other than to transition our feels to the girl for Statham's protection. I'll talk more on that when I get to it.

Check out the library’s patreon to read the rest

I like watching fire. There's a comfort to the leaping flames. The sound of crystalline crackles of destruction as wood combusts feels like home to me. It's been that way since I learned to make it.

     My family growing up had a wood burning stove that heated a single room in our three bedroom house. Of course, I have allergies and I grew up in southern Mississippi, so it wasn't used too often. I remember my dad sitting by that big brown box shoving wood inside it. My great grandfather's shotgun hung over it. That shotgun, long since decommissioned, now sits next to the fireplace in my apartment. I have the materials to mount it and might someday.

     At about ten years old, the scout leader handed me my Firem'n Chit badge and said "don't burn down your parents house." I proved that I could be trusted to start, maintain, and put out a fire safely. I don't remember much of what we had to do to get that badge other than read a safety manual and promise not to burn anything down. One test we did was to light a fire, mix up raw ingredients for a pancake, and cook the pancake within a half hour or so. My fellow scouts and I drank that mixture of raw eggs, flour, and milk next to a pile of coals. I have come along in my cooking.

     In national parks across the country I have set small fires to stay warm and cook by. In the Smokey Mountains, I helped a lesbian couple from the University of New Orleans start theirs, and they shared their wine with me. In the Ozarks, I lit a fire after cleaning bottles and cans from the pit and wondered if there was more to life. In northern Idaho, I put my mind and body back together and slept under the stars next to a small fire. Stars look better next to a campfire with or without company. It feels safe in a primal way articulated only by invoking warmth and accomplishment however small.

     I have lived in this apartment for three years and just set a fire in the fireplace. The love in my life bought me wood and a tool set with a poker and brush and the rest over a year ago. I could not bring myself to light the fire, though. I think I had a block. I could not find the comfort I normally had until now. Thinking on it, it might be because I needed to heal some.

     My dad died late 2023. He left behind my mom and my sister and me and several piles of wood in the yard. The wood had rotten. Roaches and fire ants and termites had taken residence.. As he died inside the house, eaten by cancer, I made it a mission to burn all that wood. The first fire had fire ants and roaches stream out of the pit that had not been used for months. Every night for almost two months I lit a fire and watched the flames and listened to audiobooks and podcasts. Some nights I read. Some nights I was joined. We roasted marshmallows and hotdogs. But after a while I sat out there alone with my thoughts. My thoughts were not kind.

     I did it again the next year, this time with a girlfriend. Spent New Years 2025 surrounded by uncles and cousins who poked at the fire too much and would not let it be. A few times they talked about dad. I was quiet.

     We went back this year, and I took my place and started a fire. It felt different. Same old wood, only two of the piles left. Much less, more rotten and eaten through. But it burned just the same. I felt different, though. Something woke up a little in me. Defiance and anger and humor. It all seemed so absurd in a way I could not articulate. Still can't. My thoughts were more kind, more hopeful, more alive. Something shook loose and lit. Something inside me let go. Woke up and let me see the flames and hear the crackle again. 

     I'm writing this from my apartment smelling like campfire and warmth. I might make another fire and sip on bourbon. I might enjoy myself in a quiet comfort. I might mount my great granddaddy's shotgun.

     I might watch the fire and like it again.