banned technology

#34 - The 1970's

2011-11-26T17:03:00.001-08:00

Cleanliness is next to godliness...

we well know from every photograph, movie and poster from the 1970's, people were sweating... all the time. Even seemingly slick sci-fi characters in one piece v-neck suits were a little on the grimy side. Hell, even Captain Kirk somehow managed to look like he rolled out of a half-heated mescalin induced (and highly regrettable) ménage with Genesis roadies. Robin Williams was only in his 20's and this cruel decade somehow transformed him into Pam Dawber's monstrously grizzled nightmare.

We at bannedtechnology recently discovered that a unique combination of tight pants, high-grade Colombian cocaine, and an abundance of body hair contributed to elevated core temperatures throughout much of North America. Such elevated temperatures resulted in these sweaty abominations, severely distorting their mental state, and lead to the unjustifiable witch-hunt of Richard Nixon by the forces of evil/DNC. This (of course) has earned both ours and the Almighty's collective wrath.

It goes without saying that those born in the 1970 are in a precarious situation. We have no suggestions except to immediately discard all copies of Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo and pray.

#33 - Constellation Libra

2011-06-27T22:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, Constellation Libra was in my "to be banned" list, I just can't remember what it did to fall into disfavor. I even did the research on this one and planned it all out; honestly, this post was bordering on clever.

Anyway, just to be safe and sanctified, Constellation Libra is donesky. All other constellations are on the watch list. Basically, the cosmos in general are in disfavor; it is recommended that the faithful avoid angling their necks beyond 45º.

#32 - World of Warcraft

2011-05-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

For consistently ensuring the perpetual virginity of the legions of Orcs, Trolls and god knows what else, World of Warcraft has been a favorite of BannedTechnology for lo these many days. It is with heavy hearts today, however, that it is cast in the gutter, our proverbial prodical son.

It is not so much the fangled technology behind the game we admonish, but the history within it. You see friends, when would-be-warriors begin their misplaced youth and/or complete adult lives in the confines Azeroth, they typically join a guild with their fellow persona non gratas. Harmless though they may seem, these guilds are no mere collection of shoe-cobblers, midget-catchers or cat-butchers, but the birthplace of evil itself: the Free Masons. Indeed, the cult of sin and questionable film adaptations was itself once a humble guild. Oh my brothers, allow me to spin a yarn of devilish proportions.

The true evil of this organization was recently bestowed upon my attention in a historical autobiography by renowned researcher and Nobel Prize laureate Dr. Dan Brown. Dr. Brown's near-death experiences while solving centuries old mysteries emboldened and inspired me to do the same. I mustered my courage, action sombrero and twelve of Crystal Light and began my very own Da Vinvi'esk adventure. What adventures may come I could only imagine.*

Note: This banning will also blanket ban IMVU; mostly because 3D rendered chicks are all prudes. Tom Hanks can go suck it as well.

*While I do not fully recollect my adventure, I can assure its swash-buckling proportions. After being awoken by a very hungry and unimpressed cat, I assessed the aftermath. Four and one-half of the Crystal Light were vanquished, action sombrero in tatters, courage reserves exhausted. There was some great struggle as the desk chair was off kilter and laundry pile asunder. Many an ex-girlfriend was left in a confused and agitated state via facebook. Tina Turner's unforgettable Private Dancer was on repeat.....

#31 - Google AdSense

2011-05-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

For failing to incorporate a sarcasm sub-algorithm into it's "targeted" advertisement system, Google AdSense has got one heck of a banning all up in its grill.

Google AdSense... more like Google NonSense!

Note: This has nothing to do with the fact that I still haven't earned enough advertising revenue to get my venti half-sweet vanilla bean latte with soy milk.

Back and as Adequate as Ever!

2011-05-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

BannedTechnology is officially back from its research sabbatical - stomping giant tortoises and flightless birds in the Galapagos - ready to tackle the twisted forces of reason once more.

Get ready once again you modern Saddam and Gomorrah's to be smoten by the combined forces of religious extremism and developmentally delayed grammar!

#30 - Wolly Mammoth's

2011-01-25T11:25:00.000-08:00

Woolly through they may be, the mammoth is no more.

Previously known for producing an abhorrent number of Bond villiains, researchers from Japan and Russia have now entered into a Super Friends-esk evil alliance to resurrect this extinct (and delightful) pacoderm. While such an endeavor solidifies the wolly mammoth's position at #30, we have unexpectedly uncovered a deeper conspiracy lying beneath the surface.

This planned cloning has resurrected a fiery debate amongst scientists regarding the circumstances surrounding the mammoth's extinction. One camp firmly holds the position that woolly mammoth's were eliminated through over-hunting by pre-agricultural tribes, while the other claims that the holy grail of atheism (climate change) is responsible for the creature's demise. This debate has raged for decades, leaving thousands dead and scores of unemployed grad students in its wake. To the righteously close-minded, this may seem like a trivial matter; however, these wily scientists have presented the public with an environmentalist end-game with frightening repercussions.

Leaving the public with no choice other than to accept climate change or human over exploitation of the environment is a slippery slope that will eventually lead to hybrid-preferred parking spots at every Wal-Mart and Trader Joe's throughout the nation. In order to debunk this myth of logical deduction, we at bannedtechnology have assembled a crack team of religious scholars to find the true cause of the mammoth's extinction (we would like to thank members of the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) for volunteering all three of their moderately literate members). Despite some confusion around nomenclature, it was discovered that the woolly mammoth's were sexually ambiguous and forced the wrath of Jesus and his wicked-awesome laser beam. The following is an illustrative thesis developed by our WBC volunteers:

*Courtesy "Big" Uncle Bobby @ Westboro Baptist Church

#29 - Alberta (the entire province)

2010-12-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

Oh Alberta, that Canadian provincial bastillion of moral decency in a country awash with tolerance.

Standing up to the forces of elitists and their notions of 'acceptance', 'rationality' and 'literacy' have begun to take their toll on the red state's favorite Canuck counterpart. Recently, the government of Alberta threw sanctity out the window; caving to the demands of modern psychology and their so-called accredited professionals by promising to remove homosexuality as a listed mental disorder.

What for years has been (rightfully) placed alongside bestiality and pedophilia is now considered an 'incorrect and unacceptable classification' that has 'no place in Alberta', as stated by the Minister of Health.

While we are understandably disappointed by this decision, Alberta must be given some accolades for holding out against the Decepticon-controlled American Psychiatric Association for the past 37 years (which had to audacity to remove such a condemnable sickness back in 1973). We also tip our collective hats thusly for becoming our first geographic casualty.

Note: as a western province with a strong cowboy persona, we expect a prolonged period of worn-out Brokeback Mountain jokes circa 2005, please prepare yourself accordingly.

#28 - New Year's

2010-12-22T13:09:00.000-08:00

Like most festivities, holidays and general merriments, the root cause is some antiquated worship of rocks, sticks, bugs and other non-Christian jiggers. New Year's is no different and was concocted by Julius Caesar in 46 BC as a celebration to Janus the god of doors (you heard me). How he managed to develop a new holiday between orgies, eunuch mud wrestling and animal sacrifices we will never know. How the Roman's needed an entire god to open doors is equally confusing; Jesus could totally open doors and he rarely had to use his powers to do it; take that polytheism!.

Based on this hastily strung together justification, you may no longer celebrate New Year's. Authors note: Drinking Boone's while sobbing in the bath tub, listening to Tina Turner does not count as celebrating New Year's.

For hardcore Hasidic followers, you are also required to permanantly reset calendars to the most sacred of dates: October 20th 1992. On this day of days, Toronto Blue Jay Kelley Gruber accomplished the holy trinity of baseball; completing the first triple play in World Series history during Game 3, only to be denied this feat by scumbag umpire Bob Davidson.

Blog posting dates will retain their current temporal formatting, mostly due to a lack of programming skills.

#27 - Protective Barriers

2010-12-01T20:42:00.000-08:00

The Pope may have gone easy on you, but we sure haven't.

Recently mounting his pope'ish high horse and proclaiming condoms as officially sanctified, Pope Benedict XVI has gone from Antichrist to liberal. We believe this to be his final transformation before the End Times. Under the guise of protecting lives in areas ravaged by AIDS, the Pope has managed to desecrate some of the most sacred aspects of Christianity: poor sexual choices and irreversible consequences.

As a counterstrike against his misguided attempt to remain cool with the kids, we at banned technology will subsequently eliminate all protective barriers.

Due to the extensive nature of this blacklisting, we encourage true believers to be creative. With each barrier removed, faithful adherents will receive 2,500 Jesus points! To facilitate the rolling of one's ball, the following provides a brief list of barriers no longer permitted:

Safety glasses
Radiation shields
Shower curtains
Comfort bubbles

Flaying oneself is not necessitated or encouraged, but participants will be given a commemorative key chain redeemable for 750 additional Jesus points!

#26 - The Ampersand

2010-11-26T20:59:00.000-08:00

Fucking ampersand. Just when you thought the and symbol couldn't roundhouse kick your genitals any more, you find that it'll destroy the universe.

Born in the hellish baby-eating womb of Ancient Rome, the ampersand is a Jesus-hating mish mash of the letters e and t, et being Latin for and.

This gruesome little symbol was popularized by evil scientist André-Marie Ampère. Often using the symbol in his subversive writings, the & was eventually deemed Ampère's And by the folksy rabble. This was not his only claim to fame however: aside from shortening conjunctions, Ampère was also father to the redheaded stepchild of science, electromagnetic theory. While the more popular theories like evolution and gravity were busy hanging out with the cool kids, electromagnetic theory toiled in the shadows, resentful of its fathers favorite namesake.

Eventually, in an adolescent rage, electromagnetic theory began plotting against the establishment. Honing its evil, electromagnetism managed to avoid the club scene through university, culminating in the construction of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). Known in the southern US as the anti-Jesus circle of homosexual particle thingys, the LHC is powered by the very same superconducting electromagnets that were shunned by Ampère and his preference for plural efficiencies.

While we at bannedtechnology don't fully understand the LHC, we did totally check out some Christian forums and now believe it'll destroy the universe. Failing this, forum moderator rapture_jerry314 revealed we will be pitted against antimatter versions of ourselves spewed from the LHC in an all-out battle royale. Due to these revelations, we fell the elimination of the ampersand is warranted, if not necessitated.

Note: Viewings of Tango & Cash will be permitted because Kurt Russel kicks ass in it.

Note II: If you don't know what Tango & Cash is, get off of this blog now. You will not experience salvation.

#25 - Cookie Monster

2010-11-23T18:55:00.000-08:00

The self proclaimed Robert Downey Jr. of cookies has long served has the conservative backbone on an otherwise flamboyant PBS brainwashing scheme known as Sesame Street. For years, Cookie could be seen countering the immorality of Bret and Ernie with his Clint Eastwood'esk bravado. Unfortunately, he was overcame by the liberal hordes and has transformed into the greatest national threat since Nancy Pelosi and John Walker Lindh combined forces to destroy the universe.

Once gleefully devouring cookies and bringing joy to millions, our prodigal muppet is now colluding with his government backers; spitting cookie flavored venom across public airways. The first signs of trouble came in 2006 when Cookie Monster appealed to a less god-fearing demographic by renouncing his favorite confection as a "sometimes food".

After this revelation, Cookie and the Center for Disease Control began a campaign of terror against childhood obesity, of all things. The furry blue Judas could now be seen eating eggplants, broccoli and a whole host of other barely edible biomass. While many parents applauded Cookie's new found political orientation, they failed to realize they were the victims of a classic bait and switch.

For reasons beyond our understanding, the phenomenon of childhood obesity corresponds directly with pious behavior. When observed on a national level, states with higher levels of childhood obesity are in fact more religious than their scrawny plant-eating counterparts. Church-going States such as Mississippi, Kentucky, Tennessee and South Carolina (pronounced Krrr-lie'na) have the highest rates of childhood obesity while atheistic, baby-sling wearing hipsters in Washington and Vermont were siring the fittest children. Taking this into consideration we can only assume the children of Canada will be on the next Susan Sarandon special.

#24 - Snares

2010-09-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

For todays posting, we take a rest from our more traditional onslaught against pop-culture phenomenon from decades past to tackle a disturbing new development straight from the heart of darkness. Threatening the delicate human-primate armistice, the wily chimp, science's most arrogant mascot of phylogenetic radiation, has reportedly learned how to deactivate snare traps set by bush-meat hunters in Guniea.

The smuggery behind this seachange in behavior dramatically alters what we thought about chimp society. Previously, chimps were well documented 'learners', however such lessons were garnered through a trial and error process. In the case of snares, one such error means you have been chosen for a higher purpose by man; usually in a hilarious butler suit, or as a tender yet full-bodied stew. The fact that certain chimps have devised a strategy to preemptively deactivate a mechanical trap displays the animals ability to predict an outcome and conduct an altruistic action to protect itself and its tribe.

First off, let's get things straight before we walk hand-in-hand down the path of righteousness. We here at BannedTechnology love bush-meat. Nothing is more satisfying after a hard days work than sitting down to a delicious gorilla steak, Iberian lynx flambé or even rhinoceros florentine. Our forthcoming rejection of snares is based upon the simple coincidence that chimp behavior happens to fit neatly with the pagan belief that higher primates are capable of human-like problem solving and outcome prediction. Such behavior also displays the unfortunate trait of social progression that we must struggle against before the chimp's human worshipers begin to emulate.

Snares, and heretic chimps for good measure, are no longer welcome in our theocratic utopia. Other snare related paraphernalia to be eliminated include lassos/cowboys, snare drums and the Snare Islands off the coast of New Zealand. Those that have previously vacationed at such islands, patroned rodeos or performed air drums must atone by foregoing bush-meat until further notice. Those that have perfected Rock Band are beyond salvation.

#23 - Everybody Loves Raymond

2010-09-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

If you were unfortunate enough to be caught up in the watered-down comedic tsunami known as Everybody Loves Raymond throughout the late 20th and early 21st centuries you have unknowingly been feeding the forces of atheism. Indeed, what you thought was benign mindlessness for all those Monday evenings was in fact funneling resources to one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse: Richard Dawkins.

Besides being an affront to everything clever, funny or even bearable, Everybody Loves Raymond delighted the North American peasantry for the better part of a decade, and while these aforementioned characteristics would generally be overlooked or even promoted (see 7th Heaven), they have served as a shield for the evil toiling beneath.

Everybody Loves Raymond was produced by American media giant CBS who in turn own Simon & Schuster, one of the largest publishers in the world. Among its many literary undertakings, Simon & Schuster is one of the official publishers of the King James Bible. OK, so Raymond, Simon and Jesus; this doesn't seem like some sort of unholy trinity, but when Dawkins is added into the mixture, this benign triangle becomes an evil square of reckoning!

The very same publisher of the King James Bible also prints, sells, promotes and ultimately profits off of Richard Dawkins bestseller "The Greatest Show on Earth: The Evidence for Evolution". The unholy crusader of such blasphemies as "The God Delusion" has spent a lifetime attacking religion in favor of fact, evidence and rational observation, while sharing a bed with Simon & Schuster. Such a twisted mix can only have been devised and perpetrated to fool faithful adherents into unknowingly delight from the weekly antics of Ray Romano while supporting Richard Dawkins' new world order.

In response to this, viewings of Everybody Loves Raymond is to be henceforth eliminated. Syndicated viewings are frowned upon but not officially blacklisted. CBS's other crime against humanity, How I Met Your Mother, is also eliminated, but not for religious reasons; it's just awful.

Salvation Update!

2010-08-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

Our ever vigilant R&D department has recently uncovered the most impregnable and irrefutable evidence yet that salvation is arriving.

#22 - The Vibrate Function on your Phone

2010-08-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

Those who think they are being considerate in movie theaters and corporate break-out sessions can now give their collective heads a shake and switch back to their favorite Justin Beiber beat.

Continuing our now obvious bias against cellular communications, the vibrate function is no longer a viable option. While undeniably convenient, the vibrate function was actually born through an act of industrial sabotage perpetrated by the adult entertainment business. The legions of perverse engineers and scientists whose paychecks are cashed by the hedonistic actions of weary housewives, fancy boys and potential RNC donors colluded to insert their questionable technologies in our everyday lives.

This unfortunate function is enabled by a small device known as a flywheel motor. A flywheel motor in theory is harmless, but man's genius if often used for the most dubious of purposes. The flywheel's transmutation from sanctified to condemned occurs when a small off-center weight is added the gear, forcing the device to rapidly wobble as it's center of gravity is thrown off balance. This very same action is what makes certain adult oriented devises so unsavory.

It is our hopes that the banishment of the cell phone vibrate function will cripple the robust flywheel industry, subsequently ending the adult entertainment business. Consequently we will also prepare for a prolonged spike in California's unemployment rate.

Based on available resources this fiscal quarter, the comprehensive ban may be expanded to affect such devices as the Nintendo 64 rumble pack, Tickle-me-Elmo, his illegitimate brother Tickle-me-Cookie and the evil cybernetic monstrosity TMX Cookie.

Addendum: For those currently atoning for past grievances, we at BannedTechnology recommend the following ring tone.

#21 - Steeples

2010-08-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

Back in the good old days of religious totalitarianism, church bells would beckon the wretched peasantry to their daily does of fire and brimstone. As we lamented these glory days - much like Howie Long shortly after the release of Firestorm - we failed to recognize a new brand of pestilence raining down on the great unwashed.

With the advent of smart phones, cell phone providers have been required to increase their coverage; adding more cell towers to provide the high bandwidth coverage required for such previously identified blasphemies as the iPhone (see #11).

In the wild west days of cellular provision, providers were able to build towers almost anywhere without fear. Unfortunately, cities and towns were overran by cannabis-fueled bohemians, and networks strained under the increased demand for iTunes and The Onion. Based on the misguided notion of urban design, these communist sympathizers ultimately succeeded in restricting cell phone tower construction in many urban settings, subsequently reducing their ability to download the latest Sarah Silverman HBO special in clear view of everyone at Starkbucks. While we would normally applaud this development as divine intervention, it has revealed a darker blasphemy within a blasphemy.

These vile hipsters have somehow managed to pull themselves away from summer folk fests long enough to desecrating the church itself without our knowledge. Due to the aforementioned municipal restrictions, many cell phone providers are now installing cell sites within church steeples!

While the pious prey, the very beacons they worship under are facilitating near-pointless conversations detailing what's going on tonight, saucy celebrity happenings and various other barely literate SMS's. This situation obviously cannot continue and an immediate remedy is required.

Firstly, all steeples are to be discontinued until further notice. Second, our crack team of theologians and Glenn Beck sycophants recommend that all faithful discontinue the use of smart phones and roll back to more sanctified analog phones, preferably the Motorola Dynatac 8000X - also referred to as the Zack Morris phone.

Addendum: Screech is also banned.

#20 - Arthur Fonzarelli

2010-07-24T22:10:00.000-07:00

The bomber-jacket clad, shark jumping scourge of 1950s culture sent shock-waves of pomade and poorly understood STDs throughout America, but few thought the anti-Jesus underworld (aka 'science') would also be part and parcel of this phenomenon. Affectionately known as The Fonz, Arthur Fonzarelli was in fact a byproduct of hedonistic boardroom brainstorming by elitist script writers in their underhanded agenda to replace religious purity with the dark recesses of reason. Through their devilish efforts, Happy Days and The Fonz covertly reignited a branch of mathematics known as Game Theory in the impressionable minds of youth.

Fashioned as a nostalgic throwback to 50s greaser culture and their "we don't pay for soda pop" attitude, Fonzy initiating a firestorm known as 'Fonzamania', leaving thousands dead in its wake. The greaser culture that Fonzy embodied promoted many negative traits such as parental disobedience, racial desegregation and Ron Howard, but one such pastime, a game called 'Chicken' was the linchpin for the devious sitcom apparatus.

The game of Chicken functions exclusively on Game Theory: two vehicles drive towards each other with the ultimate aim of causing the opponent to swerve away. However, if neither vehicle swerves, a head-on collision occurs (resulting in numerous teen tragedy songs, and a tragic cover by Pearl Jam). As stated by Game Theory, incidences where a driver swerves are deemed zero-sum, as one drivers victory results in the other being deemed a chicken. In situation where both swerve or crash head-on, the game is deemed non-zero-sum as their net loss will be the same (both are chickens or both are dead).

While a hard does of Vietnam - or conversely, LSD - purged the collective mindset of Chicken and its mathematic roots from the kids, the emergence of The Fonz reinvigorated this previously forgotten science. Once the devilish tentacles of Game Theory had a firm hold on the subconscious of an emerging generation, research began at an alarming pace. These malevolent efforts culminated in 2008 by a group of evolutionary anthropologists (ape obsessed sadists) who developed a genetic computer program that predicted the evolutionary success of religious beliefs. This program displayed that the evolutionary development of religious beliefs creates groups of individuals predisposed to non-zero-sum outcomes, where societies flourish or fail as one. This development mimics the history of human civilizations and displays the evolutionary roots of such group-based belief.

While The Fonz may please many with his rebellious attitude and hand gestures, we fortunately see through this thin veil of scientific meddling. In order to protect future generations from his alluring grasp, Arthur 'The Fonz' Fonzarelli is banned. We never much cared for theories anyway. Ron Howard can fuck off too.

#19 - Reusable Shoppings Bags

2010-06-08T19:54:00.000-07:00

Promoted as the solution to petroleum-based waste, climate change and how to most appropriately convey fairtrade coffee, reuseable shoppings bags have seen an explosion in popularity in recent years. Presumed to be benign by many, these bags are in fact part of a larger plot by elite leftists to control and ultimately reduce the human population.

Created through an uneasy alliance between militant environmentalists and urban yuppies, resuable bags were designed to replace forced sterilization and other forms of population control through an ingeniously malevolent means: bacterial growth. A 2008 study sponsored by the neutral Plastics Industry Council of Canada found levels of bacteria and mold to be 300% higher than acceptable levels - largely due to their repeated use without washing.

While previously promoted through such absurdities as education and womens health initiatives, the greens have grown desperate in their failed attempts to usurp procreation and have now turned to biological warfare to combat humanity. If left unchecked, we expect a dramatic decline in the human population to near sustainable levels. Consequently, the usage of such bags is now prohibited for the sake of the human race.

While we understand that many readers have grown accustomed and even attached to these canvas carriers of pestilence, a staggered approach my be necessary and thus resuable shopping bags will be eliminated by source, in order of their relationship to to the non-religious environmental insurgency:

10. Big-box retailers (virtually sanctified, bacterial growth may be hindered by divine intervention)

9. Chain grocery stores

8. Your work (unless it's an environmental organization)

7. Locally owned grocery stores

6. Locally owned organic grocery stores

5. Environmental organizations

4. Public libraries

3. Obscure public libraries

2. Locally owned fairtrade organic grocery stores

1. Folk festivals (a variable petri-dish of damnation)

#18 - The Compass

2010-05-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

While we do not have a problem with cardinal directions per se, we take great issue with the manner in which they are obtained…

The compass has been aiding seafarers and instilling weekend hikers with a false sense of confidence for countless years, however the very magnetic fields relied upon for accurate orienteering have been plotting against Creationists in a foul attempt to fool the faithful into unknowingly accepting the pitiful theory that is plate tectonics.

To fully understand the banishment of the compass, we must first take a journey into the belly of the beast – the science of magnetism.

Earth is essentially a giant bar magnet, with a north and south polarity. While many assume the north and south poles are fixed, they are in fact constantly shifting, and occasionally reverse completely, moving the north pole to Antarctica and vice versa. These past variances in magnetism can be detected through the magnetic signatures found in iron-rich rocks. When any object is heated beyond 500 degrees Celsius, it loses its magnetism, however once its cools – and re-solidifies in the case of rocks – its magnetism will return, pointing towards the magnetic north at the time of its formation.

Developed in the 1950’s by petroleum companies prospecting new oil deposits, electronic magnetometers can read the fixed polarity of rocks. For the most part, the polarity of landscapes was an indistinguishable jumble; however this soon changed once they began scanning the ocean bed. It was soon discovered that the polarity across the mid-Atlantic Ridge was symmetrical along its entire 40,000 km length, with the polarity of its rocks separating in opposite east-west directions from the ridges centre like a conveyor belt. It was soon deduced that this represented a break between Earth’s plates and was expanding at a rate of 2.5cm. Scientists were also able to view the shifts in Earth’s north-south polarity, occurring roughly once every 500,000 years along the ridge.

This discovery was soon regarded by many biased heathens as ‘evidence’ needed to prove their twisted visions of Earth’s natural formation.

The fact that magnetism would go so far as to use the Atlantic Ocean’s seabed as its unfortunate accomplice in one of science’s greatest conspiracies is beyond reproach. In an effort to reduce the success that magnetism has thus far enjoyed, the use of compasses will be purged from every day pack on every interpretive trail immediately.

#17 - Yogurt

2010-05-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

Yogurt has seen a recent explosion in popularity among office dwellers seeking a more ‘active' and 'health-conscious' lifestyle without the need to partake in physical exertion. Marketers have picked up this emerging movement, linking self-love and various Dove-brand inspired clichés with the prolific consumption of fermented milk products.

As it has steadily grown in followers, the propagation of yogurt has taken on near-religious dimensions, attracting fanatic cults of yoga pants wearing, Crsytal Light drinking extremists. The culmination of this groundswell can be seen on television where approximately 7 out of every 10 commercials now promote yogurt, usually alongside a poppy tune and two 30-something women discussing their healthy routines.

Yogurt consumption by Americans is currently six times lower than pagan, devil-worshiping Western Europeans, but to our dismay this number is continuing to grow at an exponential rate. While yogurt sales have drastically increased over the past two decades, so has Americans identifying themselves as non-religious!

Yogurt Sales in the US (1992-2009)

Religion in the US (1992-2009)

For promoting the secular movement while pandering false salvation and redemption to some of the most desperate and impressionable segments of our society, yogurt is banned, even Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia FroYo.

#16 - Nuclear Fission

2010-05-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

For decades, both nuclear energy and our beloved atom bomb have served true believers well by providing electricity, vaporizing heathens and infuriating knitted-wool-hat-wearing environmentalists; however recent research has unveiled a darker side to this stalwart of modern society.

Despite our past symbiotic relationship with the split atom, it unfortunately must be eliminated due to its now exposed affair with one of the most despicable and reviled scientific techniques ever devised: radio-carbon dating.

This devilish link takes the form of one Willard Libby, Nobel Prize winning chemist, Manhattan Project team member, co-conspirator of the world’s first nuclear reactor, and – yes – inventor of radio carbon-dating.

While working on an early nuclear reactor, Libby discovered that the process of fission produced a high number of carbon-14 atoms. Further prodding revealed that carbon-14 is found in trace amounts throughout all organic material (even the faithful) and decays at a slow, predictable rate, thus allowing the age of an object to be determined by remaining number of isotopes. Shortly thereafter, mad scientists were running amok around the world, discrediting Shrouds of Turin and propping up dinosaur conspiracy theories with their ill-gotten atoms.

Those currently on an eclectic grid fed by nuclear power are asked to boycott use of electricity until carbon dating has been discontinued and all dinosaur-related propaganda is eliminated. Everyone else is asked to avoid nuclear-related entertainment such as Dr. Strange Love and Planet of the Apes – both the Charlton Heston and Marky Mark versions.

Breaking News!

2010-05-12T13:18:00.001-07:00

BannedTechnology can now be found on Tumblr!
Experience the exact same blog, only in Tumblr form!

bannedtechnology.tumblr.com

#15 - Ferris Bueller's Day Off

2010-05-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

In our first foray into 1980’s culture, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is no longer a viable Saturday afternoon Peachtree TV option.

John Hughes quintessential film (take that St. Elmo’s Fire and Judd Nelson fans in general) rocked the Reagan-era culture with its mild sexual undertones and scenes of parental disobedience, but that merely served to distract MPAA raters from the true mission of this blockbuster: unbridled anarchy.

In his largely successful – minus Kevon Bacon in She’s Having a Baby – attempt to corrupt 1980’s youth, John Hughes devised a cheerful and introspective romp through Chicago as his premier vehicle for delivering subliminal messages of anachism to unsuspecting viewers.

Using Alan Ruck as his hapless puppet, Hughes inserted what is now the most famous scene from the movie: Ferris’ largely useless friend Cameron staring endlessly at the painting A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jutte at the Art Institute of Chicago. Many people with nothing better to do mused about the potential significance of this scene, however few caught on to its true intentions.

A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jutte was painted by French artist Georges Seuret in 1886, initiating an art movement known as neo-impressionism. This form or art incorporated numerous single points, creating highly technical scenes in which the human eye would ‘mix’ the points together, forming the illusion of certain colours. Neo-impressionism claimed it was a rigorous scientific approach to art, which was highly controversial compared to the religiously inspired realism that was popular during the time.

While neo-impressionism’s scientific approach to painting and liberal use of Colour Theory is enough to label it suspect, this art form insisted on continuing down its destructive path. George Seuret’s new movement began tacking controversial social issues, and eventually fused itself with the emerging anarchist movement that served as an alternative to organized religion in European society. Neo-impressionist paintings are noted for anti-establishment scenes such as utopian nature worship, critiques of bourgeois society, and the negative effects of industrialization.

Picking up on these connotations, John Hughes' subliminal messages of chaos and lawlessness soon embedded themselves into society’s emerging adults, culminating in the bloodless coup of President George Bush Sr. by Bill Clinton in 1992, plunging the United States into an economic pandemonium that lasted until the early years of the 21st Century.

For polluting the minds of young Reaganaughts – and for ruining a Ferrari GT California to prove a point about teenage angst – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is officially banned.

Note: Judd Nelson will also be banned; mostly due to his role in Steel starring Shaquille O’Neal.

#14 - Mother's Day

2010-05-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day: a chocolate encrusted Trojan Horse waiting to unleash an evil trifecta of paganism, feminism and communism.

The truth behind Mother’s Day can once again be traced back to Ancient Rome, and their festival of Matronales Feriae. This hedonistic celebration was chock-a-block full false idol worship – in this case Juno the goddess of childbirth – and gift giving to the household’s matriarch. It was also regarded as a general commemoration of females in society, as if complementing the preparation of a delicious turkey dinner was insufficient commemoration.

This abject practice was largely forgotten during the Middle Ages and Renaissance – being replaced with witch hunts and general subservience – until 19th Century rabble-rouser Julia Ward Howe began her feminist anti-war mongering campaign in the United States. Believing that women had the right to make decisions beyond the day’s dinner table faire, Howe penned the Mother’s Day Proclamation which served as a dual call to celebrate Mother’s Day and promote general pacifism against the American Civil War.

Beyond sticking her nose into decision best left for the big boys, Howe provided further support for political undertakings by joining and assisting the Society of American Friends of Russian Freedom, a ‘progressive’ cause lead by Champaign socialists in the US to support the growing communist movement in Russia.

So when you are picking out the perfect e-card this May, remember you are now enlisting in the ranks of pinko feminist pagans.

Note: The feature film Juno – thaaaat's what Ellen Page’s name in the movie meant – will also be banned. Giving the gift of Juno on Mother’s Day will be regarded as especially heinous. Blacklisting will also be expanded to include Michael Cera, for reasons to be investigated at a later date.

#13 - Autism Spectrum Disorder

2010-04-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

In our latest installment of orthodox theological repression for the good of humanity, Autism Spectrum Disorder has been placed on the preverbal chopping block. While this complex and now abolished disorder may seem innocent of blasphemy at first glance, it has deliberately conspired to discredit one of the most eloquent and visionary public representatives of our time.

In her first public policy presentation as Senator John McCain's running-mate in 2008, Sarah Palin rightfully chastised the use of federal grants to fund research into preposterous goings-on that have “little or nothing to do with public good”, singling out fruit fly research as a particularly wasteful endeavor. Instead, Palin suggested that such money be diverted to the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act in order to help with early detection of cognitive disorders in children.

Anticipating Palin’s upcoming policy statement in 2007 the University of North Carolina School of Medicine had the disturbingly accurate foresight to produce the ‘scholarly’ article Crusical Role of Drosphila Neurexin in Proper Active Zone Apposition to Postsynaptic Densities, Synaptic Growth and Synaptic Transmission, which roughly translates to "fruit fly genes used to study early detection of cognitive disorders in children".

Among several of this research article's wild speculations include “The discovery, made in Drosophila fruit flies may lead to advances in understanding autism spectrum disorders, as recently, human neurexins have been identified as a genetic risk factor for autism”, amongst other laughable statements.

Other preposterous ‘scientific’ breakthroughs allegedly perpetrated through fruit fly research include “Fruit Fly Research Set to Revolutionize Study of Birth Defects” and the detection of genetic factors in Fragile X syndrome.

The depravity of preempting Sarah Palin's remarks by conducting research perfectly suited to discredit her comments as both ill informed and painfully ironic is reprehensible and must be punished accordingly.

For questioning the political rhetoric of Sarah Palin and further undermining her quest to control the United States, Autisim Spectrum Disorder is to be eliminated post-haste.

For those who wish to fully comply with this website and put a stop to Ausitm Spectrum Disorder, please consult Jenny McCarthy's guaranteed wheat and dairy free cure-all diet for ASD (not a guarantee).