Parenting is a big job, and can also be a rewarding one. Ultimately, it will most likely be a pleasure when the proper ground work has been done. Here are eight tips to help you lay that ground work so you can enjoy parenting your children in all their stages of growth.

#1: Minimize Choices

Yes, it’s important to develop independence in our children by letting them make choices: Red shirt or blue shirt? Ice cream or cookies? But if every decision becomes theirs, we raise kids who think they’re in charge. Let them make choices sometimes, but make sure most of the decisions are yours. As your children grow up, you can gradually cede control of more issues to them. But if your kids are under age 12, you should still be fully in charge. This keeps life uncomplicated and less stressful.

#2: Limit Activities

An overload of activities is a real problem for many families. Just because something is offered doesn’t mean your child has to do it. And the more children you have, the fewer activities should be packed into the hours after school and on weekends. Limit your children to one activity per semester and watch your stress level decrease. Be sure the activity each one attends is related to their interests, not yours. And be willing to let them switch if they discover something isn’t their thing. Be very selective with organized activities and watch your unstructured, relaxed family time grow and become more fun.

#3: Develop True Self Esteem with Chores

If your five-year-old doesn’t make her bed or set the table, or your twelve-year-old doesn’t do his own laundry, my question to you is: Why not? Kids are completely capable of doing chores around the house. More importantly, the self esteem they develop by being part of the household team is far more genuine that what develops when you tell them how special they are all the time. Put your kids to work around the house at age-appropriate tasks and you’ll relieve some of your own burden while building your child’s self-esteem in a logical and healthy way.

#4: Take a Child to Lunch

Alone, just with you. Or take one to a movie, a park, or to see Grandma. Build your relationship with your child while talking in the car en route, while laughing together and while just enjoying each other’s company. I didn’t do this enough with each of my four children, but when I did it do it, we always had a great time. (Note: the more children you have, the more important this tip is.)

#5: Limit Your Use of Technology

Children who are forced to interrupt their parents to express their needs because their parents are always on their phones (talking, texting or surfing) often become very demanding children. When your child is born, three umbilical cords need to be cut: his to his mother, and his parents’ to their devices. Limit your use of technology during your child’s waking hours and you’ll raise a happier child. Besides, there’s nothing sadder than seeing a parent pushing a child in a cart through the grocery and ignoring him because they’re on the phone.

#6: Keep your #1 Interest

Once we become parents, we find that we don’t have time to do all the things we like to do. This is natural, but be sure to make time for your favorite activity, whether it’s reading, playing basketball or making things by hand, like quilts or guitars. Even if you only get to do it once a month, it will help you relax and remember who you are, because in the parenting trenches, it’s easy to forget that you’re anyone but Mommy or Daddy. As your children grow and become more independent, you will get to do more of your favorite things, but for now, one thing is probably all you can squeeze in. Enjoy yourself when you can!

#7: Bedtime

A regular (and reasonable) bedtime is extremely important. It produces rested kids and relaxed parents. If you start when your children are tiny, this habit will be easier to create and maintain. Studies show that today’s children are having learning difficulties because they’re not well-rested. Put them to bed at an age-appropriate time (always before 9 p.m.) and then go do something for yourself: surf Facebook or Pinterest, have a beer, spoon with your spouse… I’m sure you can think of something. Having that time at the end of each day is invaluable for managing stress and becoming a great parent.

#8: Don’t Expect Perfection

Just when you think you’ve got a handle on things, you find yourself or your child losing it. Don’t forget that there are no perfect parents; children can’t be perfect, either. Besides, children are constantly changing and growing, which brings new challenges. Expect change, expect imperfection, love your child (remember, love is a verb) and go easy on yourself.

Up until recently, he did very well in school. But his second-grade teacher expects her students to sit quietly and read; she thinks he has a problem with this so she’s been sending notes home about it, which is upsetting him and his mother.

As I said, he’s seven and he’s a boy. Sitting quietly and reading is not his natural behavior. I’m not saying he shouldn’t learn this, but I’m sad that his current inability in this area is affecting his grades.

But that’s school. The teacher plans a learning experience for the entire class; those who can’t do what she says will be graded down.

Don’t think this only happens in school. When I was homeschooling, especially at the beginning, there were times when I found “the perfect curriculum” at a homeschool convention, brought it home, made lesson plans using it, and watched my children for signs of “delight-directed learning” or whatever the catchphrase was on the cover….but was disappointed to see none of that on their faces. That’s when I realized that they didn’t do well with the curriculum. I had to learn that children learn best when the subject is presented in a way that works for them…..which may not be the way that works best for the teacher.

Ultimately, gearing materials toward the child’s interests, intelligence level and developmental stage is what works. Successful homeschooling parents learn to do that for their children. Teachers, even very good teachers, can try to do that but how do you accommodate the needs of 30 children from a variety of backgrounds? You can’t.

That’s why homeschooling is so successful, especially once we stop trying to be a school and concentrate instead on giving each of our children what they need at a particular point in time.

Chicago radio is overloaded with ads. Some of them are played over and over, so they must be successful. I assume whatever’s being advertised on Chicago radio is something that’s probably popular with a lot of people, since a big city usually has a good cross-section of the population.

Lately I’m hearing a lot of radio ads for a DVD series that teaches children to do math. If you knew nothing about public education today, you might wonder why advertisers think there’s a market for such a thing. But as the public schools continue their downward trajectory, more parents are seeing a need for math help for their kids. A DVD is something they can put in front of their children without getting too involved themselves, or so they hope.

Technology is slowly changing the face of education. Today’s kids have access to so much educational material on DVDs and the Internet, via tablets and laptops. More and more parents are realizing that their children can have a good education at home, without the distractions of the classroom, or the dangers.

Think I’m exaggerating about that last part? I wish I was, but it scares me to think about how easily and quickly I came up with these stories from just this month:

Teacher with child porn on FBI Most-Wanted List

Iowa teacher admits to sex with four of her students.

Utah teacher charged with raping student.

Illinois teacher pleads guilty to sex with student.

California teacher pleas “no contest” to sex with 14-year-old student.

Maryland teacher arrested with child porn.

California special-ed teacher fired for running porn sites on school computer.

Two married female NY teachers investigated for “inappropriate relationships” with student athletes.

Florida teacher’s assistant charged with aggravated child abuse.

NY teacher fired for kissing student, exchanging 1400 texts.

Texas teacher fired for molestation denies it, saying she doesn’t even like touching black children on the hand.

OK, that’s enough or I’ll lose my lunch. I find it especially depressing that most of the perpetrator teachers listed above are women. Ugh. Bottom line: today’s schools are definitely dangerous places for children.

It makes sense that there will be some homeschooled adults who are dissatisfied with how they were raised. Just looking at the populace at large, what percentage are unhappy with the way they were raised? Probably a good portion, judging from the number of self-help titles published over the years for readers trying to get past their problematic childhoods. Why should homeschoolers be any different?

In this particular case the focus is on a certain type of homeschooling family, known collectively as Quiverfull, according to the article. (That name stems from a book very popular among Christian homeschoolers in the 1990s.) This has been a trainwreck in the making for some time. I knew several families like those described in the article; given their strict beliefs, particularly as they applied them to their daughters, rebellion was inevitable. After all, once your girls get out into the world and discover that there are options in addition to marriage and motherhood, some of them are going to want more choices.

When my first book (Life Prep for Homeschooled Teenagers) was published, I had trouble getting a booth at a certain homeschool conference to sell it. I couldn’t even get a response from those running the conference. I was later told by someone in the know that the problem with my book is that it encourages girls as well as boys to become independent adults. The families running the conference didn’t want their girls to get any ideas, I guess.

Now, I don’t agree with their mindset and my husband doesn’t either. We homeschooled all our children, daughters and sons, with the intent of helping them be all that they could be. Personally I think we can trust God to lead each child to the right career; those that think all girls should be trained only to be wives and mothers ought to give some thought to how God used Corrie ten Boom and Amy Carmichael.

But just because I disagree with families who raise their daughters to be only wives and mothers doesn’t mean I think they shouldn’t be able to do what they’re doing. There is no agenda-free schooling anywhere. There’s an agenda in public school and private school just as there is in any homeschool. Parents are free to choose how to educate their children, and children are free to embrace or reject their upbringing when they become adults. The article I cited at the start of this post is merely an attempt to foment controversy, so don’t let it bother you too much.

The irony in all this is that many of the young women quoted in the article will someday change their minds. They’ll end up being stricter than their folks. I’ve seen it happen before. Some of the biggest rebels eventually turn into the strictest parents. People are funny, aren’t they?

When I first read The 40 Days, I was struck by this charming, peaceful story of how Jesus might have spent the 40 days after He was resurrected and before He ascended into heaven. The fact that one of the main characters has developmental disabilities is a bonus, as is the fact that Jesus’ words in the story are supported by nearly 500 Bible verses.

In celebration of Easter, you can get this eBook free at Amazon for the Kindle and for only 99 cents at Barnes & Noble for the Nook. Don’t miss out! This offer is only good tomorrow (Easter Sunday) and April 1 and 2, 2013.

I remember the social worker who told me, shortly after his birth, that he would watch his older siblings do things, but because of his innate lack of curiosity he wouldn’t do much himself. In fact, she actually said he would “watch the world go by.” As an involved parent with several years of childrearing under her belt, I found that very depressing.

Fortunately, it turned out to be wrong. In fact, by the time he was two or three, the family joke was that we were going to take him back to her office and let him loose so he could take the place apart as he did our house. Maybe then she would stop depressing other parents with her outlook.

The fact is that our son has plenty of curiosity. He expressed it physically far earlier than verbally. He was still pretty young when he began climbing into the refrigerator and the oven. He often narrowly avoided catastrophe when attempting to surf down the stairs or taste electrical cords. I once caught him trying to nuke his brother’s watch in the microwave. He was nothing if not intrepid.

These days he’s a young man. We’re no longer “doing school” as we did for so many years, but he manages to keep busy and most importantly, he pursues his interests. His days often begin with singing; this morning he burst into song along with Joseph in one of his favorite movies, “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.” He sings with all the fervor (if not the enunciation) of a Broadway star. It’s a pleasure to hear him.

He also has his own ideas about getting exercise. While I coax him on occasional walks, and his dad takes him bowling every week, he loves to take time out from his day to dance along with the “High School Musical” gang. I think he must know all the dance numbers by heart now, and he works up a sweat trying to imitate the dancers perfectly. Most of the time he does this with his door shut, but occasionally he requires an audience and whoever happens to be at home obliges. It’s always a good time.

He also likes to work out, and will occasionally take over the hallway to see if he can top his record of push-ups or sit-ups. He has a favorite barbell he uses to work on his biceps, which he flexes for anyone who asks (or even if they don’t).

He has other interests, including his latest, using Skype with his big brother and infant nephew. Last week he tried Skyping with his best friend, who also has Down syndrome. Those guys had a great time.

He’s so busy pursuing his interests that he often doesn’t want to stop in order to go with me to the grocery (where he mans the cart and does the scanning) or on other errands. He usually lets me know I’m interrupting his day before giving in and coming with me. But as soon as we get home, he goes back to what he was doing before I dragged him away from it.

Other people don’t understand this. They ask me why he isn’t in a sheltered workshop or bagging groceries somewhere. Seriously, I don’t think he has the time!

Most people do. They figure schools know what’s best for kids, medical personnel know what’s best for people, and government knows what’s best for everyone.

It’s easy to say that “I don’t feel that way!” But think about it. Do you figure if homeschooling doesn’t work out, you can always send your kids back to school? When the doctor’s prescription not only doesn’t help your child but makes him worse, do you immediately go back for a different prescription instead of educating yourself on the problem first? And when your government tells you it will handle its enormous debt, do you figure it knows what it’s doing and go back to your day? Because these are all signs of reliance on institutions.

Most of the homeschoolers I’ve known over the years have shared a distrust of institutions. Their school experience was not the highlight of their childhood and may have even been a catalyst for homeschooling their children. They take what their doctors say with a grain of salt and start doing their own research on their (and their loved ones’) health situations, which is why many of them are into homeopathy, follow certain ways of eating ranging from paleo to vegan, and often don’t want their children to be vaccinated. And they respond to their government’s casual reassurances about its financial future by stocking up on food, weapons and, if they have the money, gold.

I see this conflict between those who believe in institutions and those who don’t a lot lately, especially among homeschoolers. I hear from moms who are frustrated because those who run the homeschool co-op their kids attend aren’t being fair, or aren’t offering convenient-enough times or places for co-op classes. Sometimes there’s panic in their tone, and I don’t understand it. I went into homeschooling figuring I was going to have to do it myself, and proceeded accordingly. But these parents don’t see it that way. That tells me that they have too much faith in institutions, and I have to wonder about their commitment to homeschooling their children. I hope they won’t do like some and put their kids back in school, until something happens there that they don’t like and they pull them back out again to homeschool them. That’s not really fair to the child. Kids need consistency, and they’ll find that in the home if their parents are able to provide it.

From what I’ve seen, parents who instinctively distrust institutions are better suited to long-term homeschooling. There’s a self-reliance there that’s lacking in those who trust so-called experts more than their own God-given common sense.

*I’m using the term “institutions” as a catch-all that includes organizations, bureaucracies, teams and organized groups.

Through April 4, many of these courses on sale for 80% off. This is a great bargain for anyone, but I’m thinking especially of homeschooling families, many of which aren’t exactly rolling in money since they tend to be single-income families.

One example: give your teens a top-of-the-line writing course from the University of Iowa (their writing program is very well-known): 24 30-minute lectures will cost you just $34.95 on DVD or $24.95 on CD. (Normally this course costs $179.95-$254.95). Remember, you can reuse these courses with your younger kids when they reach the teen years, saving you even more in the long run.

See the entire list of courses on sale for 80% off right here.

As our kids got older, they began pursuing their own interests (we tried to finish academics by lunch so they’d have their afternoons free), and it was fun to see how each one went from one subject to another. Seems like a child is barely sated in one interest before he goes after another.

I guess I should amend that: change “child” to “person.” Because now that I’m retired from homeschooling, I find that I’m just like my kids were, going from subject to subject.

Earlier this winter, I was voraciously reading anything I could get my hands on regarding giving. Then I got distracted by Joe Williams, having discovered him on one of my Pandora channels. So my family has been subjected to his music for months, and I’m not tired of him yet (he even has his own “Top Tracks” page on YouTube!). But a few weeks ago the Ruth Stout books I ordered from the library came in; since then, I’ve also been inhaling everything she ever wrote about gardening.

The key to all this is time: having spent most of my life in public education, then college, and then many years of raising children, I never had the time until now to freely pursue my interests.

My kids had that time when they were growing up, thanks to homeschooling.

Unfortunately, newer homeschooling parents tend to book their children’s days full of activities and experiences. I hope they quickly learn, as I did, that one of the best things about homeschooling is that it can give kids time to follow their interests, if their parents allow it.

One thing she said really caught my attention: now that her husband is gone, she realizes she’s no longer number one with anyone. That sounds like a very lonely place to be. Then there’s the unspoken inference: not only does she miss the special relationship she had with her husband, but as a mother of children, she realizes that she’s no longer number one with them.

And that’s how it should be, since adult children need their independence and all that, but it can be hard for us mamas to accept. We spent so much time with our children, and they looked to us for everything, so much so that sometimes we had to hide in the bathroom to get a little peace (and even that didn’t always work). Then our kids grew up and one-by-one left home and found others to spend their time with. Before we knew it, we became just another item on the to-do list (“Call Mom”) or just another Facebook friend.

I just reread that last paragraph and it sounds kind of cynical at the end. Sorry, but that’s how it feels sometimes, and I have kids who keep in touch. But I know others who only hear from their kids every few months, so it’s even harder for them. It’s not that we need to keep busy with our own activities (although that surely helps), it’s that there’s this big hole in our lives where our kids used to be, demanding snacks and needing baths; filling that hole with work and hobbies just doesn’t cut it.

I know there are lots of suggested solutions for this loneliness that comes from widowhood or an empty nest or both; clearly Dame Maggie Smith’s solution is work. But I think her honesty is probably the most helpful part of her example. It’s always comforting to know you’re not alone, I suppose.