Barbara Sher Master Feed

Blog Post: Getting to Know Your Resistance

Barbara — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 08:06:00 +0000

Blog Post: "Hanging Out" registration opens today until November 16

Barbara — Thu, 06 Nov 2014 03:21:00 +0000

Hi there,

'Hanging Out' is a kind of miracle, my newest strategy for overcoming Resistance. I'm so proud of it I can hardly read the letters I get from members without getting emotional.

Read about it, watch the video below, and sign up here:

http://barbarasclub.com/hangingout

I know this about 'Hanging Out:' some of the things we need in life, the most important things, the ones that give us clarity and courage and give us back our authentic selves, take time. They also take safety and companionship. And kindness. Some fascinating explorations, and a few laughs.

I call 'Hanging Out' Identity Rehab.

I can't explain how it works any better than I could at the beginning. I'll just say that it took more time and care than anything else I've done, and that I have never loved working on anything more. (And if I get my next book in the can, I'm going to work on another year of 'Hanging Out!')

When you've been part of it and people ask what it was, all you can say is, "You had to be there."

Well, a few people have said more. They gave me permission to quote their comments from 'Hanging Out.' You decide. If you want to come on board, do it right now or you might forget that November 16 (when the clock strikes midnight in NY) is the real deadline and you'll have to wait many months until your next chance.

Success Teams leaders (you wonderful guides and midwives for everyone's dreams!), watch your email for a hefty discount on 'Hanging Out.' I want you to experience this.

I'll let these comments say goodbye for now:

This ["What If an Idea is a Work of Art? Or a Good Joke?"] is an amazing post. I had to read it slowly and even re-read it. Then I actually saw my thoughts as a beautiful stained-glass window in my mind's eye...incredible. This is my favourite inspirational post in all of Hanging Out. Thank-you Barbara!
- Sue

Hanging out with you on Fridays is like taking a warm, richly-scented bath while eating chocolate and reading an absorbing book. So many delights all at once to feed our senses. Thank you for reminding me there is so much still to learn and to live for.
- Jay

The [Wednesday] identity exercises are steep hills though when embraced are a breath of fresh air. Just to say I like the pace of Hanging Out...it's thoughtful and helpful and challenging.
- Shelley

My inner and outer life has shifted and is beginning to bloom. Barbara...YOU are truly an original. A special soul that brings life, light, imagination, dreams, and freedom to a world that seems confining. You blast through illusion of a limited life. You have been one of the true hallmarks of my life.
- Terre

Thank you Barbara. Again. This is why I am hanging out with you. My life is nearly being swallowed up by the needs of others right now and this simple action can keep my creativity flowing and also keep me from feeling like a victim!
- Katie

Thank you Barbara (and everyone else that has posted!) for the encouragement to hear my own voice again this week and furthermore, to dare and listen to it. :-)
- Christina

What part was most valuable for me? This is hard to answer, because all the elements of Hanging Out were important to me. The videos, the exercises, the audio, the links to resources...I wouldn't change any of these. But I have to say - the conference calls - during every one of them I shed tears. I found the calls to be the most powerful and moving element of Hanging Out, for me. I could identify with so many of the callers and their stories. And even though I have read and re-read most of your books, Barbara...the things you said on these calls jolted me awake, turned my head and sometimes make me laugh out loud. [Note: the phone calls -- 6 a year -- are a special treat for members in Year Two of Hanging Out.]
- Sue

I've had a habit of trying to figure out the reason for my place on earth, to 'find' greatness, and it now seems obvious and a relief to realise that what seems important to me on any given day is enough. The moments spent following my heart and 'using' my particular gift/s will add up to a life well lived. And Hanging Out has a wonderful 'small step' set-up. :-)
- Fiona

Reading these posts has helped me to feel connected again. Isolation IS the dream killer.
- Jay

Come connect with me, and with lots of other wonderful people, through Hanging Out (registration is today through Nov. 16!)

Yours,

Barbara Sher

Blog Post: Resistance Whisperer Tells All!

Barbara — Wed, 05 Nov 2014 07:45:00 +0000

Here's the newsletter I sent out last night (in case you missed it). I'm giving only one more notice for those who want to be in a coach training with me. The last one begins Nov 15, 2014. That's only about 10 days from now, and the class is almost full, so I thought I'd post the information here for those who don't get my announcements.

Resistance Whisperer Tells All!

First, I love to work with Resistance. I mostly love the success rate of my methods (which is close to 100% as you've noticed on my Resistance Teleconference Workshops, or my retreats).

Second, when it comes to winning over Resistance I don't advise what everyone else seems to advise:

For instance:

You won't hear a word out of me about the power of positive thinking, or making yourself believe something (even that you yourself are wonderful and lovable). If you've read my books or been in 'Hanging Out (with Barbara Sher)' or at my Frankfurter Ring Coach Trainings or Scanner Retreats you have seen this truth over and over: Believe what you like. Personally, when I'm sick I prefer my doctor to give me the kind of medicine that works whether I believe in it or not.

I don't believe mere humans can muscle Resistance down, either, so don't look for this kind of thing if you're working with me: 'Try harder,' 'Keep trying,' 'Just do it," or 'Where's your guts, you sissy?' It's very bracing if you're on a football team, but I never was on a football team, so I gave up on it a long time ago: I've always found 'Self-Discipline' to be a contradiction in terms.

And I refuse to go near anything like, 'Expect it from the universe.' Maybe the universe actually gives us stuff, I have no idea about that. But if it does, it also gives us the flu, flat tires, and Daylight Savings Time. I just don't talk to the universe at all. But I'm very happy to talk to you.

So tell me this: What are you Resisting?

I'd really like to know. Just hit Reply and your answer will come right into my inbox. And I'll answer it. Really. (If possible, in my next newsletter in a few days.)

If you wish you had a coach like me, I thank you. I'm trying to make sure there will be some Barbara Sher coaches in this world after I stop working. I'm hoping to send out about 100 of the best I've found. I need only a few more to meet that goal.

If you want to be one of those coaches, and work with me personally to learn my coaching methods, you'll have to sign up really soon for my upcoming, final coach training. It starts in less than two weeks!

If you missed your last newsletter, here are a couple of videos (in English and German) from my conference call about "Should you be a coach?"

And here's a new one I think you'll enjoy, from a wonderful workshop in Berlin in March of this year. It's about my methods, short and sweet:

Barbara Sher Reveals the Truth About Resistance (mit deutscher Übersetzung)

Some people come to my trainings who don't want to be coaches, and I welcome them too. If you've found that my books and other works have helped you and you simply want to have a great, productive life for yourself, without being stopped by Resistance, that's okay with me, too. Sign up for the coaching class while there's still room.

In case you didn't read your last newsletter, let me say this again: I am retiring from doing intensive in-person trainings like these after this coach training. I've already stopped running my 6-day retreats, and in a little over 10 months, this training will end and I won't be teaching in person any more. If you wish you could be in this class, I want to see you there.

Coaches who want to train with me are already natural coaches, and I don't want to miss the chance to train naturally talented people. The world needs good coaches too much!

Fortunately, lots of you did read my last newsletter and I am delighted to know I'll be shaking your hand in two weeks!

But if you're Resisting taking action on this, let's change that right now! Contact the Frankfurter Ring - just for information! - before you move on to the next thing in your inbox!

This information is available in German too.

There are a number of strategy levels for overcoming Resistance, from the simple Tips and Tricks we all know (use a timer, give yourself a reward), all the way through methods I've developed that melt Resistance on the spot, when it's really really important (like on an audition, a job interview or a first date!). And even one more level than that.

Hanging Out with Barbara Sher new member registration is open today through November 16.

'Hanging Out' is a kind of miracle, my newest strategy for overcoming Resistance. I'm so proud of it I can hardly read the letters I get from members without getting emotional.

Read about it, watch the video below, and sign up here:

http://barbarasclub.com/hangingout

That wasn't a change of subject. 'Hanging Out' is a kind of miracle, my newest strategy for overcoming Resistance. I'm so proud of it I can hardly read the letters I get from members without getting emotional.

I know this about 'Hanging Out:' some of the things we need in life, the most important things, the ones that give us clarity and courage and give us back our authentic selves, take time. They also take safety and companionship. And kindness. Some fascinating explorations, and a few laughs.

I call 'Hanging Out' Identity Rehab.

I can't explain how it works any better than I could at the beginning. I'll just say that it took more time and care than anything else I've done, and that I have never loved working on anything more. (And if I get my next book in the can, I'm going to work on another year of 'Hanging Out!')

When you've been part of it and people ask what it was, all you can say is, "You had to be there."

Well, a few people have said more. They gave me permission to quote their comments from 'Hanging Out.' You decide. If you want to come on board, do it right now or you might forget that November 16 (when the clock strikes midnight in NY) is the real deadline and you'll have to wait many months until your next chance.

Success Teams leaders (you wonderful guides and midwives for everyone's dreams!), watch your email for a hefty discount on 'Hanging Out.' I want you to experience this.

I'll let these comments say goodbye for now:

This ["What If an Idea is a Work of Art? Or a Good Joke?"] is an amazing post. I had to read it slowly and even re-read it. Then I actually saw my thoughts as a beautiful stained-glass window in my mind's eye...incredible. This is my favourite inspirational post in all of Hanging Out. Thank-you Barbara!
- Sue

Hanging out with you on Fridays is like taking a warm, richly-scented bath while eating chocolate and reading an absorbing book. So many delights all at once to feed our senses. Thank you for reminding me there is so much still to learn and to live for.
- Jay

The [Wednesday] identity exercises are steep hills though when embraced are a breath of fresh air. Just to say I like the pace of Hanging Out...it's thoughtful and helpful and challenging.
- Shelley

My inner and outer life has shifted and is beginning to bloom. Barbara...YOU are truly an original. A special soul that brings life, light, imagination, dreams, and freedom to a world that seems confining. You blast through illusion of a limited life. You have been one of the true hallmarks of my life.
- Terre

Thank you Barbara. Again. This is why I am hanging out with you. My life is nearly being swallowed up by the needs of others right now and this simple action can keep my creativity flowing and also keep me from feeling like a victim!
- Katie

Thank you Barbara (and everyone else that has posted!) for the encouragement to hear my own voice again this week and furthermore, to dare and listen to it. :-)
- Christina

What part was most valuable for me? This is hard to answer, because all the elements of Hanging Out were important to me. The videos, the exercises, the audio, the links to resources...I wouldn't change any of these. But I have to say - the conference calls - during every one of them I shed tears. I found the calls to be the most powerful and moving element of Hanging Out, for me. I could identify with so many of the callers and their stories. And even though I have read and re-read most of your books, Barbara...the things you said on these calls jolted me awake, turned my head and sometimes make me laugh out loud. [Note: the phone calls -- 6 a year -- are a special treat for members in Year Two of Hanging Out.]
- Sue

I've had a habit of trying to figure out the reason for my place on earth, to 'find' greatness, and it now seems obvious and a relief to realise that what seems important to me on any given day is enough. The moments spent following my heart and 'using' my particular gift/s will add up to a life well lived. And Hanging Out has a wonderful 'small step' set-up. :-)
- Fiona

Reading these posts has helped me to feel connected again. Isolation IS the dream killer.
- Jay

Come connect with me, and with lots of other wonderful people, through Hanging Out or in person in Frankfurt starting November 15, 2014.

Yours,

Barbara Sher

Barbara Sher is a world-renowned authority on identifying goals, finding drive and motivation, and avoiding resistance the natural way. (She does not believe in positive thinking, creating realities or the 'male, military model' of overcoming inner blocks.) She has 5 best-selling books in more than a dozen languages (including German), lively videos on YouTube to explain her work and Barbara's Club with online courses, book clubs, and a free Idea Party. Sher is an inspiring speaker who has been called 'a standup comic with a message' and 'the godmother of life coaching.'
email: barbara@barbarasher.com
web: http://www.barbarasher.com

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Blog Post: Why I'm happy to be called The Resistance Whisperer

Barbara — Sun, 15 Dec 2013 14:12:00 +0000

Monty Roberts is my hero.
When someone at one of my WriteSpeak retreats in 2009 called me the Resistance Whisperer I loved it and I knew there was truth in it. I learned everything I know about resistance the same way Monty Roberts learned what really goes on with horses: I watched for a very long time, with complete attention and deep respect. I trusted 'what is' and not what my culture told me 'should be.'

He knew horses didn't need to be 'broken,' and proved he was right. I know that overcoming resistance has nothing to do with will power and I prove I'm right every time I run a Resistance Workshop.

History of Resistance Workshops done on the telephone.
It all began with a plan to do one telephone workshop on July 20. (I had August set aside to write the proposal for my next book.) But the people who were supposed to be running it used some kind of new recording devices, and didn't expect over 150 people to pour in, and the result was a fine disaster the night of July 20, 2013. No telephone workshop.

Whoever contacted me got rain checks and was asked to do their best to get refunds, and if they couldn't, they'd get the teleworkshop for free. Throughout August, I wrote everyone I could find and answered all emails, trying to straighten everything out. Everyone I corresponded with was just terrific. They put in a lot of effort trying to get their refunds but most people never got them. In fact, only 1 person got a refund for sure and I think that was a mistake. (Did you know that paypal doesn't consider any real unless it fits into a box? That's true! That's what they told everyone! No refunds from them.) And the people who didn't deliver the workshop I had promised kept all the money.

You don't spend decades showing that you can be trusted and allow that kind of situation to stand, so even though it ate up all of August (I'm only starting to write my book proposal this week - and that's not an excuse! :-)) I did everything I could to get in touch with the people who had signed up for the original teleworkshop. However the people who kept the money also kept the mailing list, so I had no way of knowing who had signed up.

But you know what? I'm actually glad it happened. I got to know a lot of great people. It was more satisfying than I could have expected.

I wrote and answered personally a lot of emails and then, on the last day of August and twice in September, with the deft help of my Hero Techie, Patty Newbold, I ran 3 Telephone Workshops to deliver what I had promised. I think the general consensus was that I delivered what was promised and I got a lot of great emails afterwards. One of these days I'll go find them and put a few right here for you to see. I'm proud of them.

And then I did more Resistance Telephone Workshops
I even did a second round. I didn't want to repeat my lecture - in fact I hoped I wouldn't do a lecture at all, just work with individuals on the phone. I know from emails I get later that lots of people who did no more than quietly listen were feeling emotions as well, and working their way through big blocks right along with those I was talking to.

But I did an opener anyway, mostly about the resistance to happiness and success.

I haven't scheduled more yet, but I will.

Here's how they work:

First we announce the date of the next Resistance Teleclass in a newsletter. If you're not on my mailing list, head over to http://www.geniuspress.com and you'll see the sign up place on the bottom of the home page.

You can also head over to www.barbarasclub.com/courses right now and you'll know whatever you need to know.

Then you sign up and receive your link to the private page for that date. There you'll find the instructions for what number to call, access codes, and a place to ask questions and leave comments. (You can - usually - call in for free from anywhere in the world with Skype.)

On the right date we have our two-hour TeleWorkshop. If you can't join us, the recording is posted on the same page, usually in less than an hour, and available to you for 90 days.

For about 45 minutes or an hour I talk about Resistance and explain a very different (and waaay better) theory than any other I know of. It's impossible to be modest. Getting this knowledge has taken decades of experience. Learning to distinguish between what sounds good in theory and what actually works, is what matters.

And then, when I'm through with the lecture, we go to work on resistance problems.
That's when the fun begins. The rest of the 2-hour session is taken up with solving individual problems.

I love it. People have different versions of where and when they resist doing things they long to do. Their stories are fascinating. I ask questions, we talk, and I can hear people in the background quietly responding (occasionally sniffling) because they're getting eye-openers too. I ask for more questions, get great ones, and talk to as many people as I can.

What happens to the people who didn't have time to talk or ask their questions? During or after the teleclass, they head over to that private page and start typing comments, asking their questions (or offering great answers and information to people who had spoken).

Because when a workshop is over, it ain't over.

After we all hang up, I head over to those comments and for the next few days I do my best to answer them.

It's great technology. When I was your age we had to shout out the window! :-) (Sorry about that. I couldn't resist.)

I just finished answering the comments from last night a few hours ago and I'm heading back to see if there are any more that just showed up. I want those questions. They remind me to talk about what I might not have included. They help me think even more deeply about new aspects of this huge problem called Resistance. And, like all good questions, they pull new information into the mix from everyone in the group. (Last night Patty told one of the attendees who longed to travel, but couldn't find a good-enough job to pay for her trips, about a totally perfect job that *included* travel (!) she'd learned about years ago. It took the person's breath away, and ours too. She's getting ready to contact the right people today.)

Did I say 'Isolation is the dream killer,' yet?

As far as I'm concerned, that beats the hell out of 'Just try harder,' or 'Build your will power!' or 'Sit down and do it!'

Those things never worked. Even athletes, who may be the hardest working, most 'disciplined' models of 'never stop trying,' have coaches to get them out of bed and on the track. As some anonymous wise person has reminded us, even the Lone Ranger had Tonto.

Isolation is the dream killer, folks. Don't do it yourself anymore. Time is not endless and dreams are important.

Next:

I have one more Resistance TeleWorkshop planned: January 12 of 2014. You can head over to www.barbarasclub.com/courses and check it out.

(After that I really have to get to work on that book proposal.)

:-)

Blog Post: Chef wants to go to Asian Orphanage to teach kids to cook

Barbara — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 04:08:00 +0000

Just looking for a place to send people in the Twitter Idea Party (go to Twitter, search for #ideaparty) to show them that there's only one degree of separation. If you state your wish and your obstacle to enough people, someone will know the right person.

This is Freda. She used to run an orphanage and now has moved to a direct way of helping families in the Himalayas one by one. I sometimes run teleclasses to raise money for her project because she's the real McCoy: no administrative staff, no overhead, just her and her husband working their fingers to the bone. Come to think of it, I wonder if she has someone helping her with her emails? Like this one:

Hi All

Buy some Karma and donate to us today and really make a difference, this is not just some Charity it is a real organisation that works at the SHARP with real people changing real lives.

So many of you know about the work that we do and how difficult it is for us in the area that we work. During the last few weeks our own country has had dreadful incidences that many of us never thought possible. We are rebuilding trust and care in UK. I realise that it is difficult for us to think of others when there is so much going on in our own lives and country. I ask you though to just take a few minutes to THINK about how Hi-Cap UK have improved lives, we need your help to continue to do so.

What could you buy with £2? Not so much as a lipstick or a posh box of chocolates in these recession-laden times. But £2 per month is all that’s needed in the impoverished Himalayan regions of Nepal to lift a woman and her family out of grinding hardship.
You can change a life for the cost of a monthly cappuccino!

Many Himalayan mothers are left to fend for themselves because they have been abandoned by their husbands or he has died, which is very common due to the dangerous manual work undertaken by men in this mountain region. With no education and no health system in place, every day is a struggle for survival.

Regular funding is really important to us it helps us to plan our projects.
Therefore please go to our website where you can download a Standing Order Form which you can complete and give to your bank or it can be set on line. www.himalayanculturalconservation.org

OR

Even easier and it takes just few minutes to donate by text using:

Text HCAP11 £5 to 70070 to donate to Hi-Cap UK and make a difference today.

Freda Casagrande
Founder and Manager
Hi-Cap UK
07968524379
01206791591
www.himalayanculturalconservation.org

Blog Post: THIS TIME I AGREE WITH SETH GODIN -- ALL THE WAY.

Barbara — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 09:05:00 +0000

Here's what he said:

Reject the tyranny of being picked: pick yourself

Amanda Hocking is making a million dollars a year publishing her own work to the Kindle. No publisher.

Rebecca Black has reached more than 15,000,000 listeners, like it or not, without a record label.

Are we better off without gatekeepers? Well, it was gatekeepers that brought us the unforgettable lyrics of Terry Jacks in 1974, and it's gatekeepers that are spending a fortune bringing out pop songs and books that don't sell.

I'm not sure that this is even the right question. Whether or not we're better off, the fact is that the gatekeepers--the pickers--are reeling, losing power and fading away. What are you going to do about it?

It's a cultural instinct to wait to get picked. To seek out the permission and authority that comes from a publisher or talk show host or even a blogger saying, "I pick you." Once you reject that impulse and realize that no one is going to select you--that Prince Charming has chosen another house--then you can actually get to work.

If you're hoping that the HR people you sent your resume to are about to pick you, it's going to be a long wait. Once you understand that there are problems just waiting to be solved, once you realize that you have all the tools and all the permission you need, then opportunities to contribute abound.

No one is going to pick you. Pick yourself.

Hear, hear! I couldn't agree with Seth more.
And you don't have to make a million dollars or reach 15,000,000 people. You can do very well on a much smaller scale and pay your rent, gas up your car and never miss a meal. With the gifts we've gotten from the wonderful techies behind the Internet and their zillion programs (which I praise every morning when my computer starts humming) it gets more possible every day.

Seth has walked his talk from the beginning, and I can testify that he is right: Pick Yourself.

(If you want to know exactly how you might do that, I'm about to figure out how to do impromptu free Idea Parties on Facebook and we can find out anything! Don't go away.)

Blog Post: Sometimes a chronic problem is really the solution to a worse problem.

Barbara — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 09:07:00 +0000

You can battle a chronic problem forever, or you can sit down and figure out why it's hanging around and start from there.

On the first morning of one of my Big Cheap Weekend Workshops last year (not in New York, like the one coming up Nov 19 - and it wasn't called a Big Cheap Weekend either but it was the same thing exactly) we had a perfect illustration of that principle. A woman I'll call Hilary stood up and told us how her inability to lose weight was the obstacle to her dearest, most treasured dream. She told us that she had a good voice, that her teachers had all agreed and she knew there was nothing she loved as much as singing; that she did it at home, in private, as often as she could. Nothing made her happier. But taking lessons can only go so far, and Hilary had dodged every chance she'd gotten to actually perform on stage, in front of a live audience. She explained that she couldn't get on the stage unless she looked better, and her attempts to diet had the usual results.

'If I get up on a stage looking like this all I'll be able to think about is how awful I look, and how people must be laughing at me, and I won't be able to sing a note.'

Now there are a lot of reasons people aren't slim, and there might be a lot of reasons they shouldn't be slim. Who knows what's health and what's fashion when advice changes every few years. But the point is she felt she couldn't sing if she didn't lose weight, and she couldn't lose weight. And I didn't want to send her home with the same 'blame the victim' advice she'd clearly gotten from friends and teachers and diet coaches, which was: 'Well, if you want it enough, you'll lose the weight.'

First of all, I don't think that's necessarily true at all. Sometimes when you want something too much, you stop yourself from getting it. Second, I don't like that kind of advice. People too often blame the victim when they feel unable to help her. She said she couldn't seem to lose weight, and I believed her. Instead, here's what I told her.

'Sing fat. Don't lose weight. Give that up. You want to sing, so you have to sing. Book a date wherever someone will let you sing, wear black, look gorgeous above the neck and below the hemline, and get up there and sing your heart out.

'If the weight is protecting you from some danger involved in singing -- maybe going back to your childhood -- and you sing, the weight might give up and just go away and you'll lose it without working at it. And if it doesn't go away, who cares? You're singing!'

What happened then only happens in a workshop. Someone raised his hand and said he had a piano club in a nearby suburb and she was welcome to come sing that night. There were always very good amateur pianists who could accompany her. You could feel the excitement start building in the room.

'I don't have the clothes or the makeup...' she stammered.

Just like every Idea Party in every workshop, when people heard the sincerity of her wish, and the clarity of that particular obstacle, they stepped forward. One woman who lived nearby had a 'shiny' black dress she knew would fit Hilary. A makeup artist stepped forward but didn't have her materials. A glamorous woman standing next to her handed her a bag packed with makeup. One woman held up a spectacular pair of green, glittered shoes and shouted 'What's your shoe size?'

Everyone else wanted the address so they could hear her sing that night after the workshop ended. Rides were set up. She was to sing in 3 hours. (I think if she'd had more time it would have actually been harder -- or she'd have fainted.)

It worked. I couldn't be there but the reports were glowing. She got up on stage, lost her voice for about 5 seconds, ran her hands down her sides and the slippery black dress (which fit perfectly) and started to sing. Her first song was very nice and everyone applauded. Her second, and every one after that, was spectacular. People in the audience were crying.

She wrote us all a few months later in our email group. She said she sings regularly now, and she has lost some weight, but she'll never be as slim as she thought she had to be. And it doesn't make a bit of difference. People love her singing. And she loves to sing.

Try it yourself with any chronic problem. Any sentences that go like this: "If I could only do x, I'd be able to do what I really want to do. But I keep trying and can never do x." This method doesn't always work as well as it did with Hilary, but something good always comes of it. If she'd been on her own and booked a performance date and gotten ready for it, she could have raised her danger level so high that it would reveal itself and she'd have discovered what she was really dealing with.

I once had a client who continually sabotaged her singing career in a different way. She sang professionally, everyone loved working with her and called her in for jobs, but she always stayed just under the radar, never broke through the way she wanted to. Her chronic problem: smoking.

'It's totally crazy that I smoke. I stop when there are no gigs on the horizon, but I start again when I get hired for something!' We discovered it was because her mother, a wonderful singer, stopped singing after a family tragedy that occurred when the client was only 9. Every time the client got close to singing with everything she had inside her, she got terrified and we found she was afraid of feeling the grief of that child she was so long ago. She always dodged the grief by smoking, which hadn't yet hurt her voice, but was her way of not giving her whole self to her performing. But that was when she didn't understand what it was. When she realized it was grief, she let the 9-year old inside her have a real cry. And when the tears stopped, the fear was gone. So was the need to smoke. Her singing career took off big time.

(Her mother started singing again too! But that's another story.)

Blog Post: WHY DID THAT CRITIC JUST DO THAT MEAN THING TO YOU?

Barbara — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 05:52:00 +0000

WHY DID THAT CRITIC JUST DO THAT MEAN THING TO YOU?

I just finished running a 6-day Scanner's retreat for 15 people in a beautiful medieval village in Tarn, not far from Toulouse. (I won't take time to explain what a Scanner is but you'll find photos and explanations at www.geniuspress.com/scannerretreat.htm). I love running these retreats. The people, the inns, the food (!) are all heavenly. But today I'd like to share one specific thing that invariably comes up, usually by the second day. It's one of the major obstacles that prevents us from turning dreams into reality: memories and expectations of hurtful criticism. No one criticizes dreams at my retreats. We figure out how to make them come true. But hidden in the back of everyone's mind are memories of critics past and the dread of critics waiting at home who could have the power to take our dreams away.

But they don't call me The Resistance Whisperer for nothing. I'm on a mission to save the dreams of every dreamer I meet. Now our good Anne-Claire at My American Market, () a wonderful newsletter from her Toulousian business that gets me my peanut butter fix whenever I need it) is giving me a chance to save some dreamers I haven't met by sharing one of the simple methods you can use to identify and protect yourself from destructive critics, in all their guises.

*************************************

You just got a fine idea for an internet business, or came up with a really useful invention or wrote a great letter to some editor, and you rushed to share your enthusiasm with someone you know -- only to get the wind knocked out of your sails. Instead of becoming excited, your friend/boss/partner/brother tossed off your idea as worthless, even ridiculous. Or they did something subtle you can't quite put your finger on, but your delight disappeared and was replaced by uncertainty or defensiveness, or both.

You've just brushed up against a critic.

Now the shine is off your idea and you're wondering if it's any good after all or if you're just a moron. What you might not realize is that this might be exactly what the critic wants you to do. Because certain critics -- the destructive ones -- are a special breed. They're not just meanies. They're up to something.

If you're someone who is curious and inquisitive by nature and takes a child-like joy in discoveries, you're often the target of critics. Chances are good that you're far from stupid (curiosity is a sign of intelligence). Maybe you're not an expert, but you have a good eye for something fresh and you love sensing potential. You might even have plenty of experience and knowledge to back up your discovery, but that's not always protection. Destructive critics are on a mission, and they're never stopped by their own ignorance.

All critics aren't destructive. Some are wonderful.
Sometimes you'll come across a genuinely constructive critic, and that's a person you want in your life. These people know what they're talking about and sincerely believe that your idea has flaws. Hearing that a favorite idea is imperfect is never fun, but these people are willing and able to explain what's wrong with your idea and either offer some solutions or point you in the right direction. This kind of critic can save you endless time and keep you from traveling up one blind alley after another. If you find someone like this, you're very lucky. The other name for a constructive critic is 'Mentor.' Constructive criticism is a treasure.

But even the most venomous critic will insist he's only trying to help. And who knows, maybe he's sincere and you're just being too sensitive. So how do you tell the difference?

Stop being the Fallen Hero and turn into Sherlock Holmes.
First, try to drag yourself out of the role of the Unjustly Injured and take a good look at the critic. Ask yourself some questions, like 'How typical is their behavior? What's behind it?' In other words, instead of being hurt or angry and fantasizing about how rotten they'll feel when you win the Nobel Prize, it's time to start scratching your head and wondering why they just did that mean thing. Nothing else will protect you from random slings and arrows of outrageous critics.

But you'll need some special techniques because belittling someone who's enthusiastic isn't in your bag of tricks. You have no idea why anyone would want to be a destructive critic.

Step One: allow yourself to suspect that a destructive critic is up to something.
Criticizing requires no special expertise but it does require a special kind of motivation. When someone like you runs up to a destructive critic with your face full of excitement, the critic gets very cranky. Of course, some recipients of your fine idea are innocent enough; they really just don't 'get it.' But you can tell the difference between the innocents and someone who wants to see the joy leave your face in a minute: the latter are always angry.

But what did you do to deserve anger? You meant no harm. How can you make sense of this?

Step Two: look at yourself with the critic's eyes.
There's no other way to understand what motivates people who return delight with anger except to try to see what they're seeing. There's always a chance you've been insensitive or unaware of their mood when you bounced into their world full of jolly news. Maybe they just lost money in the stock market or kicked their toe against a door, in which case you might owe them an apology. But that's not who we're talking about. The people we're talking about people are typically putdown artists. Now, why would they be offended by your happiness? What is it you're doing wrong?

To find the answer, change the question to this: What do they see when they look at you? If you can imagine yourself in the position of a destructive critic watching you bubbling over with a childlike delight, the answer usually hits you right between the eyes: he won't give you the credit you're hoping for because, plain and simple, he doesn't want to. It has nothing to do with the quality of your idea. It has everything to do with his resentment.

Here's how one encyclopedia defines anger: 'Anger is a feeling related to one's perception of having been offended/wronged and a tendency to undo that wrongdoing by retaliation.' That is to say, you had no way of knowing it, but you just offended someone. But why would it offend anyone to see you enthusiastic? After all, you're not kicking his dog or slashing her tires. What's going on?

Because we pick up subtle clues, we know people better than we realize. You can get some amazing insights with this simple exercise:

Discovering a hidden drama
You're going to write a short dialogue between two people. Pick up a pen and on the top line of a blank sheet of paper write your name and after it, start writing down your discovery. Enjoy yourself. Write about your new great idea as if you were a kid. When you're done, move to the next line and write 'Critic:' See if you can become this angry critic and write down your reaction to the first lines of the drama. Then be yourself again, and answer the critic with your typical defense.

If you can keep up the dialogue for a few rounds you'll start to understand the critic's motives better than you ever imagined you could. More often than not, you'll see that you walked into a drama that has nothing to do with you -- but the critic believes it does. He feels wronged and has you mixed up with the culprit who wronged him. Often the critic is jealous. You might have a hard time believing that, because jealous people see you in a way you never see yourself. Sometimes, the critic wants the attention you're unwittingly demanding when you say 'Look at what I found!!' You might understand the critic's viewpoint in a flash. Or you might never know what set the critic off. All the same, looking for the motive behind the blow a critic dealt you is always useful.

What will all this get you?
Even if you don't figure out what made a critic do a really mean thing, you've shifted the attention to the right place. Instead of feeling uncertain, foolish or injured, noticing the oddness of a critic's behavior means you're acting like someone with very high self-esteem. People who keep their self-esteem continue to value their ideas even if a critic has tried to trash them because they sense the critic's anger and protect themselves. That means that by focusing your attention on what the critic is really doing, you might have just saved a really good idea. Too many quality ideas have been thrown into the trash for no good reason at all, just because their inventor got caught in the sights of a critic.

For that matter, a critic who is mean day after day can actually make you sick if you don't protect yourself. So how do you protect yourself?

Summary and Solution:
Good critic or bad critic, you should try hard to respond in the same way: put aside your sensitivity and try to replace it with curiosity. Instead of 'Ouch!' or 'No fair!' try thinking, 'What is this guy doing? And why?' With that in your mind, you'll be safe when you ask a critic the right questions. They're simple enough: ask them, without attitude, what they think is wrong with it, and what they suggest you do instead.

The results can be amazing. Often the critic is exposed: he has no idea what's wrong with it, and no suggestions for what you might do instead. You'll just get a lot of bluster and the critic will know he's been exposed. But even if someone manages to come up with some disdainful answers, all you have to do is nod with interest, even write them down. (That always gets a satisfying reaction. Try it and you'll see.) In any event, you're running the exchange, you're watching them, and your enthusiasm won't be dampened, just put aside and protected for a little while. If someone really tries to sabotage your enthusiasm when you're alert, they'll be disappointed when you stay cheerful. (Disappointing bad guys feels really good.)

Even if the critic turns out to be one of the truly constructive ones, curiosity is called for. You might get some great help launching your idea. In any event, defensiveness would be the wrong move entirely. You never want to make a good guy work too hard when they're of a mind to help you.

Don't be shy about asking the critic, helpful or destructive, aways with respect and curiosity, 'How do you know that?' If your critic is a deflator, he'll give a stupid answer and walk off in a huff. But if you've found a truly knowledgeable critic, you'll get a real answer. If that happens, you've gotten a gift of high value: the attention of someone who can tell you what you need to know -- and might actually enjoy seeing you succeed.

Such people are rare, but if you find any, listen to their words with care. They could change your life. And when you're rich and famous, you can become one of those rare good critics yourself and do the same for others.

Blog Post: I'm still at war with the War of Art

Barbara — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 08:42:00 +0000

Sigh. I'm going to catch a lot of hell for this.

After commenting on the post about Pressfield's book on this delightfully named website -

The World's Strongest Librarian: http://bit.ly/b6WuW1

- I got a couple of responses, and all of them defended the book. I was perplexed until a couple of comments on that site made me realize something I had forgotten: lots of people have never thought of their procrastinating behavior as 'Resistance,' or even that procrastination/avoidance has a name. And, though they don't specifically say it, the name indicates a thought that is radical the first time you think it: some part of you is procrastinating deliberately.

It is an exciting thought but it makes me realize that such people are at the beginning. I've been working with resistance so much and for so long, that I continually forget that.

Here's the very thoughtful (and most relevant) comment about my comment:

Jenny March 6, 2010 at 9:51 pm
Thanks for the information Barbara. I’ll definitely check out your site. Personally, I love the way Pressfield presents everything so simply. I think the concepts you bring up are very interesting but perhaps a little more in depth than many people want to/or are willing to go? I wouldn’t knock his book because of it because what I love about it is that he simply defines the issue and then gives real ways to fix it in your life. Regardless, thanks for stopping by and for sharing.

I was considering that when a few more posts showed up (by a number of posters who probably didn't see my comment) that proved her point. This is the best example:

"I’m freaked out that it has a name now. This concept is blowing me away because now it has a name. It’s something tangible and something that I can stare in the face and say, 'hi, let’s get over it.'"

From that came two more thoughts:

First: I remember occasionally hearing the same thing from my live audiences or via emails. So Jenny is right and I have to remember that from now on.

Second: Why did she have to end her comment with "It’s something...that I can stare in the face and say, 'hi, let’s get over it.'"

Now I have to get back into the ring. Damn it.

The term "Resistance," really is an exciting description of procrastination. It has echoes of "Resistance fighters." It's a revelation when you first discover your passive procrastinating for what it really is: a part of you that will actually battle your efforts to do what you want to do.

Now, that might seem obvious, and it made me smile at her delight in finally seeing procrastination for what it really is. But then I looked at the final sentence in that comment: "It’s something...that I can stare in the face and say, 'hi, let’s get over it.'"

And therein lies the rub.

I don't want to say anything bad about Pressfield's book. It's a beautiful book and he's a very good writer. That's one of the highest compliments I give. And his book is among the best I've seen with his message. And I don't want to provoke a lot of angry or defensive responses either. I thought about letting this whole thing pass and forgetting about it. But I can't.

Because I want to check up a few weeks or months down the road on that poster -- and the others like her -- who said "It’s something...that I can stare in the face and say, 'hi, let’s get over it,'"so I can ask them a question that's always burning in my brain at these times: 'How's that working for you?'

Invigorating calls to action like Pressfield's are irresistible. And traditional: (Once more unto the breach!) and the best ones will launch a pleasurable fresh resolve to conquer our blocks to action.

It never lasts, but, you might say, so what? If it gets you started again and makes you feel you have some control over that dream-killer, procrastination, where's the harm?

Here's my answer: There's no harm at all if you end up thinking, "Hey, maybe this doesn't work. Maybe resistance isn't all that easy to conquer. Maybe I need to know more."

But experience tells me that this isn't not what most people think when that exhilarating feeling fades and their efforts to write or paint or market their business once again grind to a halt. What they think -- and this is why I keep getting cranky about it -- is, "I've failed again."

You're okay if you say "I tried, it didn't work, let's return it." You're not okay if you believe that "I tried it, it didn't work for me, it works for better people, it's my fault."

If it really were your fault, that might be accurate. But it isn't.

And yet people keep saying it in my classes, in emails, on teleclasses: "I know I should think more positively/I know I should be able to conquer this procrastination, I've tried but I couldn't do it -- I'll try again," as they try once again to rev themselves up like a coach at halftime."

And I feel like someone is setting them up to think they should be able to do something that real humans can't do: conquer that powerful, primitive inner impulse to resist, with nothing but that unreliable newcomer, will power.

It's like having your 7 year old kid come home from school believing he's a failure because he can't sink a basketball through a hoop designed for taller people. You want to know who told him that and give them a piece of your mind.

In this case, we humans, all of us, are that 7-year-old kid. We can't make war on resistance and hope to win and I want to know who told us that we could. We have to quit trying the same thing and expecting different results. There are better ways to melt resistance.

Feel free to ask me what I believe they are.

Blog Post: Re The War of Art

Barbara — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 09:03:00 +0000

I left this comment on a site reviewing The War of Art.

People I know like this book, so I bought it lst year and read it. And, as usual, I got pissed off.

In more diplomatic terms, I faced what a writer speaker with a lot of years of searching, learning, developing new methods for dealing with resistance, and writing 7 books about it often faces:

1) Frustration that readers are settling for Descriptions (here's what resistance is, here's what it does, you'll find it when you want to do things, you'll hate yourself, etc. etc.)instead of Prescriptions (here's what to do about this kind of resistance, and here's what to do when the Big Resistance has you, and here's when to do these things)and

2)some evil envy that books like this one are bigger bestsellers than my bestsellers.

I like this book, too, but like so many others, it doesn't seem concerned with the sources of resistance. Why do we resist? All I could find was that it has something to do with our 'dark side.' (That's from memory, so excuse if it's not exactly what Pressman said.) I don't know how anyone can be satisfied with that explanation. I never have been.

I've spent many years coming up with ways to get around resistance. In fact, I've been called The Resistance Whisperer, and often write on my blog of that name. (There's a letter to Seth Godin there now, that I don't want to bump down, so I'll wait a while to post on this subject over there.)

I've gotten great results with the methods I've developed in every book I've written and workshop and retreat I've run. But when resistance is tenacious, there's something under it, and that's what's always seemed most important to me.

One thing I know doesn't work -- and I've been very clear about this for a very long time -- is Positive Thinking. Another is toughing it out, battling resistance with determination, will power, self-discipline (aka 'The Male, Military Model.'). A little respect is due Resistance. It's much more powerful than our puny efforts to wrestle it to the ground. But, although we are weak, we are clever and tricky, and when it comes to ways of getting around resistance, I've seen a lot of great tips and tricks, and I've produced a lot of good ones myself.

I've found a number of things that do work. The one people pull out their pens to write down in my audiences is "Isolation is the dreamkiller." I have a cartoon booklet called 'How To Get What You Really Want When You Have No Character, No Goals, And You're Often in a Lousy Mood," that advises readers to start a team or buddy system. These are powerful weapons again resistance. The work like school worked, like the IRS works: with structure and accountability.

But even that is often not enough. When there's a stone in your shoe, nothing fixes it but to sit down, take your shoe off, and remove the stone. Toughing it out with self discipline isn't often the smart thing to do in my opinion. And no, my way doesn't require years of psychoanalysis. If my teleclasses go as they usually do, I'll be popping people out of resistance tonight and next week in less than 10 minutes.

I even have a blog dedicated to the subject. (See my signature below) And a bunch of best-selling books. (See amazon.com) All of them offer real solutions, and if the resistance just won't go away, they show you how to find that stone and get it out of your shoe.

Commiserating about resistance is very pleasant, but I argue that not very many people show you how to find out why resistance is stopping you and how you can melt it every time it shows up. I do.

Barbara Sher
www.geniuspress.com
http://theresistancewhisperer.blogspot.com
Twitter: @barbarasher

PS: I'm teaching my small master class for coaches to do the same and hoping their efforts will wake everyone up to this thinking. (I'm not promoting the class. It's closed and a new one won't start until next year, if at all.)

Blog Post: I disagree with Seth Godin about Genius and Lizard Brain

Barbara — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 10:45:00 +0000

Do you ever get a great, inspiring idea so good it's thrilling? And you start thinking about how good it is, and start thinking about the steps you might take to make it happen, and you really are high.

And then something happens. You slow down, or someone hears it and puts a pin in your balloon, or you get weary thinking of the amount of work it will take, and here you are barely keeping up with your existing To Do List. And that turns into a feeling that the idea wasn't really as good as it looked. In fact it was unrealistic. You almost think that whenever anyone's that happy about something they're probably being foolish. At least, you are. Self-doubt takes over. That great idea looks like it will never actually happen. Never could have happened.

If so, you're facing a very common experience. Everyone goes through it. And lots of people try to solve the problem of the slump. There's a huge industry based on Motivation. Football coaches try to rev up their teams at half-time, and speakers try to persuade you to be positive. Some call this slump your 'Lizard Brain,' the part of you that's primitive and scared, and everyone comes up with some kind of solution, because a slump in motivation, the presence of what I call 'the Resistance Monster,' can cause big problems. If you can't find a way to get that motivation back again, you could lose your job, flunk out of school, or let your business die on the vine.

One of my favorite writers, a very smart, innovative thinker named Seth Godin, gives his advice on how to deal with it. He says that when the lizard brain kicks in and the resistance slows you down, the only correct response is to push back again and again and again with one failure after another and sooner or later, the lizard will get bored and give up.

I wrote and told him I think he's got this one wrong. I said that I think we should save the calories and let the synapses rest. Because I believe that we're programmed to crash after a high as a way of keeping us out of danger and letting us build up some energy. (He answered very graciously, suggesting that my ideas were very interesting and probably come more from a woman's thinking than a man's. I just might agree with him on that.)

Anyway, for what it's worth, here's my Theory of The Three Stages of Excitement:

Excitement (caused by one of those delicious fits of inspiration we all have from time to time) is actually half fear and half joy. When a good idea hits you like lightning, it's fabulous. I do believe it's definitely, by any definition, a flash of genius, but one that's available to everyone.

So, first you get high on the joy, and then, when you get past familiarity, you suddenly realize you're too far out there for safety (according to your inner survival mechanisms) and you get scared, or you lose confidence, and that's when you crash. Then you usually give up. I think a lot of really good ideas get unnecessarily wasted this way

I see excitement as having 3 stages and no one seems to mention the third. (It's not a return to the excitement.) Here's one way to describe it:

Phase One: You're on a real high and when you're high, it's almost exactly like falling in love. When you're in love, you're a genius. You can see, hear, smell, understand what no one else can. That's why no one else seems to get it that your newborn baby is the most beautiful baby that has ever existed. You're not crazy. You can actually see details that they miss. Their babies, because you're not in love with them, look rather ordinary to you. Nature is no fool. She's got survival down pat.

Save that vision! In Phase One I advise all my readers/listeners/audiences to write down each and every detail, not in notes, diagrams or outlines, but in long declarative sentences that explain how you came to each conclusion. You'll need to understand them later when you're in a different mood, so don't assume that brief notes or outlines with mean anything to you later.

Phase Two: Fear trumps Joy. Or someone hurts your feelings and takes the wind out of your sails. When your primitive survival mechanisms begin to wake up, you become more sensitive than usual to fear, doubt, hurt. Your survival gear is crude but it's powerful and it knows how to stop you from doing anything reckless -- or anything at all! It gives you what can be called a micro-depression.

You experience it as a crash. And when you crash, you have all the attendant frills of any 'real' depression: you lose energy, you lose interest, and you no longer calculate or plan in action terms, or in the present at all. And something funny happens: you suddenly feel very wise, all-knowing, far-seeing, even cynical. You feel you understand everything and see life in long, philosophical terms. You start to speak in terms like 'never,' 'always,' and 'how could I have been so stupid?' 'It has always been so. It will ever be so,' or even, 'Those who hope are fools."

That's what's being called Lizard Brain these days. That's where motivators tell you that you have to become positive again. And they tell you to believe in yourself and get back into action or the universe with turn its back on you. Some say yo must try really hard to make yourself positive again. In all honesty I believe that, unless it's half-time at a football game, that doesn't really work very well. Seth Godin, thankfully, doesn't ask us to try to rearrange our brains and force positive thoughts.

What he does do is advise us to battle this phase. I can see why: it appears that you either fight it or you give up. But beware of appearances because I don't think those are the only two alternatives at all.

Another look at The Crash
At Phase Two of excitement, the crash, I think we're supposed to (temporarily) give in. Relax. Feeling stupid? Call yourself stupid and despise happy, excited people for not realizing that life sucks. Lay about watching disgusting TV shows and eating crackers in bed. Whine to your friends on the phone. Bathe less.

If you give in to Phase Two without holding back, you'll find yourself soon getting bored with it. When your energy begins to build up a little, and all that delicious self pity starts to bore you. You're ready to pick up the empty food cartons and tidy up a bit, and you start feeling a bit better. But you try to remember not to fall for another sucker punch and to stifle your unruly tendency to enthusiasm and excitement.

Of course, that never works, what typically happens instead is that you wait until you get excited about another great idea and go through the process over again. If you're someone who has a lot of good ideas, this could happen over and over again.

But I believe that you're not finished with the original genius idea you had in Phase One!

Because when you've had enough of Phase Two, and almost as if nature meant for it to happen this way, you will move into a very important, almost never mentioned phase - what I call Phase Three. And that's the best phase of all. But if you don't know about Phase Three, you could miss it and waste a lot of your best ideas.

Phase Three: Now you've gone through two of the three phases of excitement and now the process pays off. Because Phase Three is the payoff. That's when you're in the right frame of mind to lay out a plan, roll up your sleeves and execute it. Without the high, without the crash, but with real respect for a good idea and the steady energy that makes things happen.

But I believe you won't have that energy unless you crashed when you were supposed to. I think that's what Phase Two is for.

If you wrote them down the way I hope you did, you now can dig up those carefully written, completely understandable notes you wrote in Phase One and read them in sober daylight, with real interest -- and with neither a negative bias, or heart-banging excitement.

Because Phase Three is where all the work actually gets done. It's always been like that: slow and steady. The Genius has burned bright, burned out, and left great instructions. The Burned Out one has hibernated and gathered energy. And now the Intelligent Hard Worker is ready to get to work.

Why is this so important? Because I'm convinced that once you realize there's a Phase Three, you won't wear yourself out battling Lizard Brain anymore. And you won't discard really good ideas, either.

My two cents.

Blog Post: I disagree with Seth Godin about Genius and Lizard Brain

Barbara — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 08:57:00 +0000

I'd like to disagree with this statement by Seth Godin in yesterday's blog:

When the lizard brain kicks in and the resistance slows you down, the only correct response is to push back again and again and again with one failure after another. Sooner or later, the lizard will get bored and give up.

Much as I love Seth Godin, and have for many years, I think he's got this one wrong. There's no point and a lot of wasted effort in pushing back at what you call Lizard Brain. Save the calories and let the synapses rest. We're programmed to crash after a high as a way of keeping us out of danger and letting us build up some energy.

Here's what I have concluded over my years of thinking on this subject:

Excitement (caused by inspiration) is half fear and half joy. An idea hits you like lightning. It's fabulous. (I do believe it's definitely, by any definition, a flash of genius, but it's available to everyone.)

First you get high on the joy, then, when you get too high for safety (according to your survival mechanism) and you crash. Then you usually give up. I agree you shouldn't give up, but I see the process and the solution differently.

I see excitement as having 3 stages and no one seems to mention the third. (It's not a return to the excitement.)

Phase One: you're on a real high and when you're high, it's like being in love. When you're in love, you're a genius. You can see, hear, smell, understand what no one else can. That's why no one else understands that your newborn baby the most beautiful baby that has ever existed. You're not crazy. You can actually see details that they miss. And, because you're not in love with their babies, they look ordinary to you. Nature is no fool. She's got survival down pat.

In Phase One I advise all my readers/listeners/audiences to write down each and every detail, not in notes, diagrams or outlines, but in English, in long declarative sentences that explain how you came to each conclusion. You'll need to understand them later.

Phase Two: You got too high. Fear trumps Joy. Your primitive survival mechanisms respond to fear with a great mechanism designed to make you safe: a micro-depression.

You experience it as a crash. And when you crash, you have all the attendant frills of any 'real' depression: you lose energy, you lose interest, and you no longer calculate in action terms, or in the present at all. You feel all knowing about the past and the future. You feel old and wise and start to speak in terms like 'never,' 'always,' and 'how could I have been so blind?' 'It has always been so. It will ever be so. Those who hope are fools." Etc.

That's what some call Lizard Brain. That's where some say you must make yourself become positive again. I strongly advise against that. Fighting nature isn't smart. You, Seth Godin, thankfully, don't ask us to try to rearrange our brains and force positive thoughts.

But you do say to battle this phase. And that's where we disagree again, and most importantly.

At Phase Two of excitement, the crash, I advise everyone to give in. Relax. You feel stupid? Call yourself stupid and despise happy, excited people for not realizing that life sucks. Lay about watching disgusting TV shows and eating crackers in bed. Bathe less.

When you've gotten bored with Phase Two you will move into the most important phase of all. When your energy begins to build up a little, self pity, though enjoyable at first, becomes tiresome. That's when you get up and take a shower, and, if you're like most of us, you try to maintain the micro-depression brand of wisdom so you'll stop getting excited about things.

Fortunately, that never works, but what usually happens instead is that you wait until you get excited about another idea and go through the process over again.

But you're not finished with the genius idea you had in Phase One. Starting to feel normal is actually part of the process:

Phase Three You've gone through two of the three phases of excitement and now it pays off. You hit pay dirt. Phase Three is where you lay out a plan and roll up your sleeves -- without the high, without the crash, but with the clarity and steady energy that makes things happen.

You won't have that energy unless you collapsed when you were supposed to.

Now you can dig up those carefully written, completely understandable notes you wrote in Phase One and read them in sober daylight, without a negative bias, without heart-banging excitement.

Because Phase Three is where all the work actually gets done. It's always been like that: slow and steady. The Genius is gone. the Hopeless One has recovered, and the Intelligent Hard Worker has returned.

And you'll get there sooner if you value the first fabulous insights (aka 'genius insight,' 'inspiration') enough to properly record them and you don't wear yourself out battling Lizard Brain.

My two cents.

Blog Post: FINALLY I HAVE DESCRIBED PART III OF WRITESPEAK!

Barbara — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 16:42:00 +0000

And I did it the only way I ever do anything useful: by being asked to explain it by a real person. I was way too busy to do this, but there's one thing I almost always brake for: a question. From a human. (Not from a company. Not so enthused about those.)

So, just in case you're a grad of a WriteSpeak Retreat (so far no one else is eligible to sign up for Part III) and you've been curious, here you are.

Q: I want to come to Part III, B., but need to know how much it costs. I'm not sure what we will do in Part III, but having been to the teleworkshop and the Retreat, I know it will be what I want, so count me in. I just need to know how to schedule the payment. Signed, E.

Hi E.

The cost is $1200 (25% of the original which had so much interaction that I couldn't do it that way again. It was time well spent: I learned how to teach what people in Part III needed to know and have now streamlined and automated much of it.)

The full cost doesn't have to be paid up front anymore (though my bookkeeper would very much like you to pay half for starters). You're the grad of a WriteSpeak retreat, so I know you're a serious student and won't duck out when you get scared. Usually, when you pay the whole fee in advance, it helps offset resistance (in this case, also known as Fear of Success)and keeps you going. I trust you to understand how important this is and to keep going no matter what.

I haven't had much opportunity to explain all the parts of Part III, including the final segment which is interactive and includes a group of people you will want to hang out with (including me) so let me answer questions you didn't ask, but might want to know.

I have more than one reason for letting everyone pay off the rest of the fee each month: it will provide a background for you to become familiar with subscription sites -- that is sites that automatically send you information and charge you each month. I've now seen a number of different subscription sites (joined a few of them myself) and I can see what makes a first-rate site. It's got a lot to do with great content, but even more, a first-rate subscription site is a community. A real one. And that's something that can't be faked.

There are 4 segments to Part III. The final segment takes place in the closed forum on my bulletin board. It's relatively small but it's been active for almost two years, and is wonderful. I've been adding threads for almost three years -- everything I know from my own experience, and everything I learn, as soon as I learn it. And I'm not the only one adding information. The forum is made up mostly of successful WriteSpeak graduates, many of whom are breaking ground (with our support) and showing us the many new ways a WriteSpeaker can bring in income. The membership includes guest members who know the ropes in their own fields. I've seen them in action and invited them in. I like them very much. None of them are there to advertise themselves. They want to be in the community. And I don't blame them.

A subscription site, at its best, doesn't have hundreds or thousands of members, but it has enough experienced members (and explorers) to make sure that almost any information a writer-speaker needs is available. And the people in the community really want to help each other members. They brake for questions just like I do -- and just like you do.

LET ME EXPLAIN THE SCHEDULE OF PART III

IIIa gets the machinery rolling re your content for your book and energy for your speaking. You'll get small, easy-to-do assignments to get you moving fast. They're a lot of fun, and they're over before you know it. Then we'll slow down, take a look at your growing pile of pages (Writing Without Writing) and devote some time to making you fall in love with organizing your material. The whole time you'll be doing the usual FAQs plus FAQ2s and FAQ3s. (FYI, FAQ3s basically get you ready to use a format like WriteSpeak Part I - the teleworkshop.)

When the learning curve for IIIa ends and the book process is humming along in the background, you'll move to IIIb.

IIIb works on setting you up as an expert -- which you may (or may not) already realize you are. It includes a filled-out website that functions as a first-class press kit (including testimonials, clients, etc.) and features your book preview, complete with table of contents, sample chapters, and extensive index. When you've completed this segment, you'll be ready to let the world know you exist so they can beat a path to your doorstep.

IIIc works on making you well known. In it you'll be learning the skills and setting up the ongoing schedule that creates 'Buzz.' Buzz will send the world to your website and your weblog, as well as following you on Twitter, friending you on Facebook, contacting you via LinkedIn and subscribing to your channel on YouTube.

When you've completed IIIc, you'll be ready to learn how to be successful financially.

IIId (which takes place in the closed forum described above) is all about bringing in income. I'll teach what I've learned through my long career, such as how to create a really good mailing list and write a newsletter people want to read, how I run my retreats and public TV specials, my Coaching Master Class, subscription sites, forums et al. But I'm far from the only teacher in the forum. We have some grads rocketing ahead and guest professionals that are using (and teaching us) new technologies I'm just learning myself.

You join this forum when you've completed all the the assignments and requirements. From that time on, you will belong to this community.

A more typical subscription site requires that you continue to pay monthly. But once you've done your work and finished paying the original fee, you're in the community with no further payments. You will have earned the right to be there, to get support and assistance, to share what you've learned with others and to keep up with the latest developments for as long as you wish. The most generous and helpful people I know are in this community. You'll be one of them.

There you are. I've finally described WriteSpeak Part III. I love FAQs. So glad you asked, E.

Barbara

Blog Post: Found the other letter about the WS retreat.

Barbara — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 07:01:00 +0000

I love this letter:

Someone from the world of big business wanted an agenda, and I just didn't know how to give her one. "What am I supposed to do, then?" she asked. "Just send my money and hope for the best?"

This answer came from a grad of my first WriteSpeak program who is now speaking at conferences, running online classes teaching how to dodge the traps that ruin marriage and keep it wonderful, has been featured in a number of major magazines, has a first rate book ready to go to my agent and is building a huge fan base:

Here it is:

“Send your money and hope for the best” might actually describe it
well, Colleen.

Just so you understand my role, I'm not on Barbara's staff. I'm just a
raving fan and willing volunteer, because I got so much more out of the
March 2007 retreat and the Part III course since then than I could ever
have hoped for.

In my day job, I design training programs for large corporations, so
I'm familiar with detailed objectives and agendas, and I understand why
you might be nervous without them. But this isn't the sort of training
program I develop. Those can be taught by anyone. They need a lot of
structure for that reason.

Barbara's retreat is a bunch of people sitting down in a living room
with someone who's made a name for herself as a writer and speaker, who
makes a nice living off rescuing people with potential, who keeps tabs
on all the year-to-year changes in this business, who's coached an
awful lot of people seeking to create a new career out of a dream, and
who's a master at clearing away both external and internal obstacles to
living a life we've only imagined. She shares what's worked for her.
She offers a variety of other approaches that work for other sorts of
people. She feels out each person in the room to figure out their
obstacles, and she moves away as many of them as she can. She figures
out how far she can push each person in the group and just keeps
nudging, leading, comforting, pushing, and counseling.

Barbara's going to arrive with a mental outline of things she wants to
cover and piles of resources to share with you. But then she's going to
craft a retreat around the people who show up, tossing in whatever's
needed and trimming back whatever's not. And she's going to care,
probably even more than you, whether or not you leave there equipped to
publish a book and start speaking within the next year.

Basically, though, you have to just trust her and put yourself in her
hands. Her approach isn't like anyone else's. Her goal isn't for you to
make big bucks, but to live a life you love and contribute your gifts
to the world. What she reveals isn't how the game is played, but where
the shortcuts can be found. She's not into picking a subject that will
make you instantly rich, but a way to find the money to support your
mission to save your particular orphans. She won't give you the
speaking advice you can get from Toastmasters or a public speaking
class, but she'll get you speaking with passion and purpose about
something that matters to you and a bunch of paying people waiting to
hear from you.

Not at soul at the first retreat left feeling they'd not gotten their
money's worth. In fact, several pleaded with her at the retreat to let
more of them into Part III. We're all still in touch with each other,
supporting each other's efforts. We're still plugging away at using all
the ideas we got in those few days. Not a one has grumbled that
something Barbara suggested hasn't worked for them. None has said
they've found a better program they want to recommend.

So, yes, send your money and hope for the best. Sleep well before you
arrive, and bring a thick notebook with you. I think you'll find your
money well spent.

Patty
http://www.assumelove.com/

Blog Post: Describing the WriteSpeak Retreat - Success at last!!

Barbara — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 06:31:00 +0000

I'm trying to get a few more people into the New York WriteSpeak Retreat next week, because one of the most important results of a retreat is the amazing support team that's created. Bigger is better, and the limit is 15 anyway, so there's no way to get too big. So I'm writing grads of the Part I all-day teleclass who haven't been to a retreat to come to this one.

But whenever people ask me what we do at the retreat, I draw a blank. I mention a few of the processes I remember - like the last full day (and sometimes through the night) being entirely devoted to 'Message, Medium, Motivation, Money. So I asked some recent grads to send testimonials.

They sent great ones. But, like me, nobody said specifically what happened. ( I'm looking for a letter from a grad of the first retreat, who has come to two more retreats because she likes them so much and knows the benefit of being part of a group of people who will become movers and shakers in a year or two) in which she explained to someone who wanted an agenda, why nobody can describe it -- I'll add it when I find it.

And then last night I got one more testimonial in my inbox and it made me feel like a million bucks. It might stand as the best description of what actually comes of being at a retreat to date. You tell me:

(If you want to get into Saturday's teleworkshop or read more about the program, head over to http://WriteYourOwnSuccessStory.com or www.geniuspress.com and take a look.)

A few friends who know I went through Barbara Sher's WriteSpeak program
last year asked me if I learned anything, and if it was worth it.

Looking back at what I've learned astounds me. Here's just a few things
that come to mind quickly:

Technology / Social Media

Barbara is on the cutting edge of technology and how it's used today
in business. In all honesty, I had no idea half this stuff existed before
she insisted that we learn it.

Prior to her class, I had never:
Written a Blog
I wasn't even sure what a Blog *was*. Now I have three.

Created a Web Site
For 15 years, I begged every techie in the family to help
me get a decent web site up for my small business. In
one weekend in WS, I learned how to create my own -
easily, and for FREE. Now I have 10 websites (no joke!)
and switch out old and new ones whenever I feel like it.

Used Twitter
Again, I hadn't even heard of it. Now I have over 1,000
followers and new friends from around the world. They
answer questions to stuff I want to know, inspire me,
teach me, amuse & enlighten me. I love it.

Published an eBook
Another thing I was vaguely aware of - but hadn't a
clue where to begin. Now I can churn them out.

Uploaded a Video to YouTube
Silly, but this never would have entered my mind before.
Now I upload, download, embed and reuse videos. Wow.

Self Published on Amazon and Elsewhere
This is still on my to-do list, but now I know how to
actually DO IT, and I'm no longer afraid of the process.

I'm sure there are 30-40 other things I take for granted
now and do on a daily basis that I learned in WS.

Personal Growth
On a personal basis, there has been tremendous growth as well.

Everyone knows that Barbara Sher is all about wanting you to
follow your dream, but how many of us even believe that's possible?

Before going to WriteSpeak, I was a lonely, scared, easily-intimidated,
insecure, overworked wreck. And that was on my good days.

Going to WriteSpeak was the first step in a journey to reclaiming myself
that continues to this day. Barbara and the wonderful friends I made at
WS II became my personal cheerleaders. They saw value I had overlooked
or forgotten. I made friends there who are now a permanent and important
part of my life.

They reached inside my tired, ragged heart and brought out a light I had
forgotten existed.

They told me I can write well. (I always wondered about that.)

They said I'm a artist. (I always hoped so.)

They respected me. (Whoa - who'd a thunk?)

They supported me when I struggled, kicked me when I procrastinated,
laughed at me when I was silly, and just *totally* accepted me - as I am,
flaws and all. What an enormous relief!

How can you begin to sum up a year like we've had? Every person in
the group has grown. We are not the same strangers who met a year
ago, hoping to learn a few tips and tricks about the writing and speaking
trades. We are a team now - a family who love and support each other
(even the weird ones). We rejoice in each other's triumphs and reach
out a hand when there are bad times.

And nowadays, I'm thinner, healthier, calmer, more at peace with myself,
more creative, aware of and accepting of my limits, and far, far, happier
than I was when we started this journey.

So was it worth it? My God, yes.

Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

Would I suggest that *YOU* go? You'd be a fool not to.
You're going to get a lot more out of this than you can
even imagine. Trust me. I've been there.

Blog Post: Praise Makes You Brave

Barbara — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 12:04:00 +0000

It does. I say it often (I think I said it on YouTube, but can't swear by it.) It still makes me brave. Just got this from a WriteSpeak grad via LinkedIn. It's about the retreat. You don't have to read it (though I wouldn't mind a bit). I'll just bask here a bit. (I put up more of them, some time ago at http://WriteYourOwnSuccessStory.com and www.geniuspress.com if you feel like knowing what the devil this is all about.)
*********************************************

A few friends who know I went through Barbara Sher's WriteSpeak program
last year asked me if I learned anything, and if it was worth it.

Looking back at what I've learned astounds me. Here's just a few things
that come to mind quickly:

Technology / Social Media

Barbara is on the cutting edge of technology and how it's used today
in business. In all honesty, I had no idea half this stuff existed before
she insisted that we learn it.

Prior to her class, I had never:
Written a Blog
I wasn't even sure what a Blog *was*. Now I have three.

Created a Web Site
For 15 years, I begged every techie in the family to help
me get a decent web site up for my small business. In
one weekend in WS, I learned how to create my own -
easily, and for FREE. Now I have 10 websites (no joke!)
and switch out old and new ones whenever I feel like it.

Used Twitter
Again, I hadn't even heard of it. Now I have over 1,000
followers and new friends from around the world. They
answer questions to stuff I want to know, inspire me,
teach me, amuse & enlighten me. I love it.

Published an eBook
Another thing I was vaguely aware of - but hadn't a
clue where to begin. Now I can churn them out.

Uploaded a Video to YouTube
Silly, but this never would have entered my mind before.
Now I upload, download, embed and reuse videos. Wow.

Self Published on Amazon and Elsewhere
This is still on my to-do list, but now I know how to
actually DO IT, and I'm no longer afraid of the process.

I'm sure there are 30-40 other things I take for granted
now and do on a daily basis that I learned in WS.

Personal Growth
On a personal basis, there has been tremendous growth as well.

Everyone knows that Barbara Sher is all about wanting you to
follow your dream, but how many of us even believe that's possible?

Before going to WriteSpeak, I was a lonely, scared, easily-intimidated,
insecure, overworked wreck. And that was on my good days.

Going to WriteSpeak was the first step in a journey to reclaiming myself
that continues to this day. Barbara and the wonderful friends I made at
WS II became my personal cheerleaders. They saw value I had overlooked
or forgotten. I made friends there that are now a permanent and important
part of my life.

They reached inside my tired, ragged heart and brought out a light I had
forgotten existed.

They told me I can write well. (I always wondered about that.)

They said I'm a artist. (I always hoped so.)

They respected me. (Whoa - who'd a thunk?)

They supported me when I struggled, kicked me when I procrastinated,
laughed at me when I was silly, and just *totally* accepted me - as I am,
flaws and all. What an enormous relief!

How can you begin to sum up a year like we've had? Every person in
the group has grown. We are not the same strangers who met a year
ago, hoping to learn a few tips and tricks about the writing and speaking
trades. We are a team now - a family who love and support each other
(even the weird ones). We rejoice in each other's triumphs and reach
out a hand when there are bad times.

And nowadays, I'm thinner, healthier, calmer, more at peace with myself,
more creative, aware of and accepting of my limits, and far, far, happier
than I was when we started this journey.

So was it worth it? My God, yes.

Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

Would I suggest that *YOU* go? You'd be a fool not to.
You're going to get a lot more out of this than you can
even imagine. Trust me. I've been there.

JB

Blog Post: Hot in Hamburg!

Barbara — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 09:54:00 +0000

A very nice article about me (in German) by journalist Ina Rometsch (who interviewed me last fall in Hamburg) just came out in a major Hamburg newspaper. With the help of son Matt's university level certificate in German (and, he confessed immediately, Google's translator) I can now read it and share it with you. (If you prefer to read it in German, I've put that below.)

INTERVIEW: INA ROMETSCH
„Überlisten Sie innere Widerstände“

"Overcoming your inner Resistance"
[Counselor’s tip: Get motivation, comfort and help from others.]

A: Barbara, why should I read your books?
Bs: Because they’ll help you figure out what you really and truly want. And then they show you how to get it.

A: But we’re right in the middle of a financial crisis, I could lose my job at any time, and you’re telling me that I should follow my dreams. Are you crazy? **[NICE TALK!]
B: I’m a very practical person. I know you have to pay the rent first before you can go after your dreams. If you’ve got a job that makes ends meet for you, don’t give it up! You can work on your dreams after work. But you have to understand that your dreams are important.

A: Why?
B: When you go after your dreams, you wake up in the morning excited about your life. When you don’t, you’re unsatisfied and feel like life is passing you by.

A: I’d love to write a novel and climb the Matterhorn, but after work I don’t have the energy to do anything but watch TV.
B: You’re experiencing resistance. Putting things off is a form of that. Resistance is when you really want something, but you can’t seem to make yourself do it. Everyone goes through that.

A: Am I just too lazy?
B: No, not at all! Resistance is part of our survival package. I believe it’s there to protect you from doing something dangerous. As soon as you want to do something that makes you the slightest bit nervous—like writing the first line of your novel, for example—Resistance shows up. It’s a primitive defense mechanism, which is why it’s so strong—but it’s hopelessly stupid. It doesn’t understand the difference between the real danger of falling off a cliff and the perceived danger of starting your novel. Resistance is like a big, dumb bodyguard. You can’t outmuscle it, but you can beat it.

A: But how?
B: One way is by starting a Success Team. You meet regularly with a group of friends who all have dreams they want to make happen. Or you can join a team run by a certified team leader. Everyone in the team supports everyone else at the same time. If you have an exam, they help you study. If you do well, they open a bottle of champagne. If you don’t do well, they help you go back to the drawing board and buy you a beer.

A: How do ST’s run exactly?
B: You all help each member develop a strategy for meeting a goal. The other members help you set your goal, with a plan to get there and a definite date for reaching it. Every week your team helps you decide what steps you should take in the coming week. At the next meeting, your team will cheer your successes or help you overcome any obstacles you ran into. The structure of meeting regularly and the support from, and accountability to, your team make a huge difference.

A: But that takes a lot of energy!
B; When you do what you love, it gives you energy. Let’s say you want to paint, so you sign up for a painting class on Wednesday evenings. Now, you’re just as tired after work on that day as the others, but you’ve signed up so you go. When you get to your class you’ll suddenly feel wide awake, full of energy, even playful. But if you just stay home and lie on the sofa, you feel like you have no energy at all. So all you have to do is get yourself in a painting class. The rest takes care of itself.

A: Is it possible to turn my dream into a career?
B: Yes, but it takes time. At the start, almost no dream makes money. You should think of your dream like a baby. It can’t speak, it can’t clean the apartment, it seems totally useless. But if you love it and feed it, it can become a wonderful person. You dream has to be allowed to grow the same way.

A: How should one deal with critics?
B: Never tell your worst critics about your newest dreams, especially not relatives! Once you get started with a project, critics can be useful, but not in the beginning.

A: What happens if I fail?
B: Well, anyone who attempts a goal sometimes fails. If you don’t make it up the Matterhorn, either you didn’t know everything that was involved or your car broke down on the way. Both problems can be solved, and then you can try again. Or you might say, “No thanks. I found what I was looking for." Failure can be very instructional. It’s often a helpful step on the way to a goal.

[Under my photo is says: The American author and career counselor Barbara Sher advocates joining a Success Team.]

Bio:
Barbara Sher (74) is a career counselor and author. She became well-known in the late 70’s with her first book, Wishcraft and has been translated into more than a dozen languages. Her later books have the NYT bestseller list. She got her BA in Anthropology, but has never worked in that field. She got her experience as a social worker and group therapist. Barbara Sher is convinced that the key to success lies within the Success Team. The author lives in New York and the south of France. Although she has long since reached retirement age, she still gives courses and lectures around the world. In Germany around 50 Life Coaches have been certified to use her Success Team method. The next ST begins meeting in Hamburg from January 19 led by Brigitte Heinsberger. Eight meetings: 230 Euro. Info: Tel 040/850 31 43. From Feb 10 Britte Hilse runs Life Coaching class, ten meetings: 350 Euro. Tel. 040/644 07 72

*”Wishcraft – Discovering and achieving life dreams and business goals,” Edition Schwartzer, 209 pages. 18 Euro. www.sher-erfolgsteams.de

HERE'S THE ORIGINAL:

+
Sonnabend/Sonntag,16./17.Januar 2010 63
BERUF ERFOLG
vor zu schützen, etwas Gefährli-
ches zu tun. Sobald Sie etwas tun
wollen, das Ihnen ein kleines
bisschen Angst macht, wie zum
Beispiel die erste Seite Ihres Ro-
mans zu schreiben, taucht der
Widerstand auf. Es ist ein primiti-
ver Abwehrmechanismus, darum
ist er so stark – aber er ist hoff-
nungslos dumm. Er begreift nicht
den Unterschied zwischen der
echten Gefahr, von einer Klippe
zu stürzen und der gefühlten Ge-
fahr, einen Roman zu verfassen.
Widerstand ist wie ein geistig
minderbemittelter Bodyguard.
Man kann ihn nicht überwälti-
gen. Aber er lässt sich überlisten.
ABENDBLATT:Wie denn?
SHER: Eine Methode ist, ein Er-
folgsteam zu gründen. Dafür trifft
man sich regelmäßig mit einer
Gruppe Freunde, die alle auch
einen Traum haben. Oder man
macht bei einer Gruppe mit, die
von einem Profi geleitet wird. Alle
Team-Mitglieder unterstützen
sich gegenseitig. Falls Sie eine
Prüfung haben, helfen Ihnen die
anderen bei der Vorbereitung.
Und wenn es gut gelaufen ist,
machen sie den Champagner auf.
Wenn es schlecht gelaufen ist,
verflucht Ihre Gruppe das System
und gibt Ihnen ein Bier aus.
ABENDBLATT: Was genau macht
man, wenn man sich mit seinem
Erfolgsteam trifft?
SHER: Man entwickelt eine Strate-
gie für jedes Team-Mitglied. Die
Mitglieder helfen einander dabei,
sich ein Ziel zu setzen, einen Plan
zu machen und ein Datum für das
Erreichen des Ziels festzulegen.
Jede Woche hilft Ihr Team Ihnen
dabei herauszufinden, welchen
Schritt sie in der kommenden
Woche gehen müssen. Beim
nächsten Meeting wird Ihr Team
Sie für das Erreichte loben oder
dabei helfen, Probleme zu lösen,
falls welche aufgetaucht sind. Die
Struktur des regelmäßigen Tref-
fens und die Unterstützung und
Verantwortlichkeit im Team sind
eine große Hilfe.
ABENDBLATT: Dafür braucht man
aber ganz schön viel Energie!
SHER: Wenn Sie das tun, was Sie
lieben, dann haben Sie auch
ABENDBLATT: Barbara, wieso sollte
ich Ihre Bücher lesen?
BARBARA SHER: Weil sie Ihnen hel-
fen, herauszufinden, was Sie
wirklich und wahrhaftig wollen.
Und dann erklären sie Ihnen, wie
Sie es bekommen.
ABENDBLATT: Aber wir stecken mit-
ten in der Wirtschaftskrise, ich
könnte jederzeit meinen Job ver-
lieren – und Sie behaupten, ich
solle meine Träume verwirkli-
chen. Sind Sie verrückt?
SHER: Ich bin ein sehr praktischer
Mensch, und ich finde, Sie müs-
sen erst mal Ihre Miete bezahlen,
bevor Sie sich an ihre Träume
machen. Wenn Sie einen Job ha-
ben, mit dem sie finanziell über
die Runden kommen, dann geben
Sie den bloß nicht auf! Ihre Träu-
me können Sie immer noch au-
ßerhalb der Arbeitszeit wahr ma-
chen. Aber Sie müssen es wirk-
lich in Angriff nehmen, denn es
ist wichtig!
ABENDBLATT:Wieso?
SHER: Wenn Sie ihre Träume ver-
wirklichen, dann wachen Sie
morgens auf und sind begeistert
von Ihrem Leben. Wenn nicht,
dann werden Sie unzufrieden
sein und das Gefühl haben, dass
das Leben an Ihnen vorüberzieht.
ABENDBLATT: Ich würde gern einen
Roman schreiben und das Mat-
terhorn besteigen. Aber nach der
Arbeit bekomme ich außer Fern-
sehen nichts mehr hin.
SHER: Sie erleben Widerstand.
Dinge aufzuschieben ist eine weit
verbreitete Form davon. Wider-
stand ist, wenn Sie eigentlich et-
was wollen, aber Sie sich einfach
nicht imstande sehen es zu tun.
Alle Menschen erleben das.
ABENDBLATT:Bin ich zu faul?
SHER: Nein, überhaupt nicht!
Widerstand gehört zu unseren
Überlebensmechanismen. Ich
glaube, seine Aufgabe ist, uns da-
Energie. Sagen wir mal Sie malen
gerne, und Sie haben einen Mal-
kurs am Mittwochabend belegt.
Natürlich werden Sie am Mitt-
woch nach der Arbeit genauso
kaputt sein wie jeden Abend.
Aber Sie haben ja für den Kurs
bezahlt, also gehen Sie hin. Und
wenn Sie erst mal da sind, wer-
den Sie plötzlich hellwach, ener-
giegeladen, und sogar fröhlich.
Wer nur zu Hause auf dem Sofa
liegt, hat auch keine Energie. Da-
rum müssen Sie sich zusammen-
reißen und zu Ihrem Malkurs
gehen – der Rest ergibt sich ganz
automatisch.
ABENDBLATT: Kann ich so meinen
Traum zum Beruf machen?
SHER: Ja, aber das dauert seine
Zeit. Am Anfang wirft kaum ein
Traum Geld ab! Sie müssen sich
Ihren Traum so vorstellen, als
wäre er ein Baby. Das kann nicht
sprechen, es kann nicht die Woh-
nung putzen, es scheint völlig
sinnlos. Aber wenn Sie es lieben
und füttern, kann später ein wun-
dervoller Mensch daraus wer-
den. Ihr Traum muss sich auf die-
selbe Weise entwickeln dürfen.
ABENDBLATT: Wie geht man mit
Skeptikern um?
SHER: Erzählen Sie niemals Ihren
schlimmsten Kritikern von Ihrem
neusten Traum, besonders nicht
Ihren Verwandten! Wenn Ihr
Projekt erst einmal vorankommt,
werden Sie Kritik bestimmt gut
gebrauchen können. Aber noch
nicht am Anfang.
ABENDBLATT: Und was passiert,
wenn ich scheitere?
SHER: Nun, wer versucht, etwas zu
erreichen, der wird auch mal
scheitern. Wenn Sie es nicht aufs
Matterhorn schaffen, dann ent-
weder, weil Sie sich nicht klar
darüber waren, was alles dazu
gehört, oder weil Ihr Auto bei
der Anfahrt liegen geblieben ist.
Beide Probleme lassen sich lösen,
und Sie können es aufs Neue ver-
suchen. Oder Sie können sagen:
Nein danke, ich habe jetzt schon
gefunden, was ich gesucht habe.
Scheitern ist lehrreich. Oft ist es
ein hilfreicher Schritt auf unse-
rem Weg zum Ziel.
INTERVIEW: INA ROMETSCH
„Überlisten Sie innere Widerstände“

KLARTEXT BESTSELLERAUTORIN BARBARA SHER VERRÄT, WIE MAN TRÄUME VERWIRKLICHT
Tipp der Beraterin:
Lassen Sie sich von
anderen motivieren,
trösten und helfen.

Die amerikanische Autorin und Karriereberaterin Barbara Sher (74) plädiert
dafür, sich in „Erfolgsteams“ zusammenzuschließen. FOTO: MINDY STRICKE
Barbara Sher(74) ist Karriereberate-
rin und Autorin. Bekannt wurde die
Amerikanerin Ende der 70er-Jahre
durch ihr erstes Buch Wishcraft, das
auf der Bestsellerliste der New York
Times stand und in mehr als zwölf
Sprachen übersetzt wurde. Sher hat
einen Uni-Abschluss in Anthropologie,
hat aber nie in diesem Feld gearbei-
tet. Vor ihrer Tätigkeit als Karriere-
beraterin war sie in New York beim
Sozialamt und als Gruppentherapeutin
in einer psychiatrischen Praxis be-
schäftigt. Barbara Sher ist überzeugt,
dass der Schlüssel zum Erfolgin
der Teamarbeit liegt – im Erfolgsteam.
Die Autorin lebt in New York und
Südfrankreich. Obwohl sie längst das
Rentenalter erreicht hat, gibt sie
weiterhin weltweit Kurse und hält
Vorträge. In Deutschland sind knapp
50 „Life Coaches“ zertifiziert, um nach
ihrer Methode Erfolgsteams anzulei-
ten. Die nächsten Termine in
Hamburg: ab 19. Januarbei Brigitte
Heinsberger, Ichwerk, acht Treffen,
230 Euro. Info: Tel. 040/8503143.
Ab 10. Februar bei Britta Hilse
Orientierungscoaching, zehn Treffen,
350 Euro. Tel. 040/6440772. (iro)
■„Wishcraft – Lebensträume und
Berufsziele entdecken und ver-
wirklichen“, Edition Schwarzer,
209 Seiten, 18 Euro.
www.sher-erfolgsteams.de

Blog Post: NEW DATES FOR WRITESPEAK PT I & PT II

Barbara — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 10:24:00 +0000

I'll get this up on geniuspress.com pretty soon, honest, like a real pro, but my techie had the nerve to take the weekend off (what is it with people these days?) so I'll just put everything here on the blog, tweet and Facebook it, and hope to get a newsletter out in a couple of days. (I already wrote it! I really did! So much easier these days now that I don't have to promote anything but can meander on and on and just put links to my blogs. I sure hope nobody minds, because this is like a kind of heaven to me.)

Okay, here's the announcement:

WriteSpeak Part I Teleworkshop
(about 6 hours long, you discover your message and we both discover if the rest of the program is a good idea for you).

The January 16 Teleworkshop is full and has one person on the waiting list, so I added another on February 6, and as of today there are 5 spaces remaining in that one.

Just found this and can't resist - it's what you get when you throw your heart at what you do and hold nothing back:

Barbara's depth of knowledge is incredible. She has so much to offer
and she does it with warmth, humour and kindness. The Write Speak
Teleworkshop is excellent. Barbara really helps you to get at the
message you most need to share with the world. I loved the way she
had us do exercises that had a deeper meaning than we initially
realized. She truly is a master at what she does and I feel
privileged to have been able to experience this session with her. In
one day, she has helped me to clarify and define my message - wow!
Thank you, Barbara. BJ

WriteSpeak Part II Retreat
(5 days - starts in the evening of the first day, ends the morning of the 6th; you get most evenings and half a day free in there to wander around thinking, eating, sightseeing so your head doesn't explode)

The Feb 12 - 17 New York City WriteSpeak retreat has a few spaces left (I haven't had time to coordinate all the info yet but will get back here and firm up the numbers in an hour or so) but some people can't make that date so I opened up a second retreat:

The May 7 - 12 WriteSpeak retreat will be at the wonderful Saluda Inn in North Carolina where I've held 2 WriteSpeak retreats already. The others were in the cold and ice (my choice, actually) but this one is in the spring and I am told it will be beautiful.

Part III - I have one class waiting for it to begin. Hoped to combine it with the February Retreat people (they started out as the same group) but now I'm not sure I want them to wait that long. I'll figure this one out pretty soon. Not today.

Okay, that's the announcement. Now I'll go get the lists of who's actually in each group all firmed up and be back soon, I hope.

Watch this space. :-)

Blog Post: Cooking a chop in Toulouse

Barbara — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 06:28:00 +0000

Two hours ago the owner of this sweet little rental apartment came by to drop off the missing chair-bed and blankets and sheets we'll need when the family shows up tomorrow night, and he showed me that they had made up the bed in the fold out couch, and I told him I had found the extra pillows. (They do pillows and pillow cases right in Europe - big, just soft enough, covered with super-fresh linens). Well, the doorbell just rang and it was him again, he returned to hand me another blanket he had forgotten and 2 bagettes (because I had mentioned I forgot to get them at the market). If anyone needs a week or so stay in Toulouse, write me. This is our third time here, and it just gets better. I'll give you the info.

So anyway, it being Sunday morning, I made my way to the market, a lovely oval shaped 1 story brick building with produce stands all around the outside (during the week it's all used books :-) ) and meat, cheese and fish so fresh you can't find it with your nose, you just bump into the stands by accident. I bought 3 lamb chops (or sheep chops, probably), 1 very large snow white mushroom, a 1/2 lb of butter, 3 carrots, 1 zucchini.

Every one of the merchants smiled and was extra helpful. The days of them being mean to people who don't speak proper (or any) French seem to be gone, at least from this part of France. The opposite seems true. They looked genuinely delighted when I tried to explain what I wanted. The woman who sold me some truly proud and handsome carrots and the huge white mushroom, on learning that I needed some 'beurre,' gave me a big grin and said 'I weel show you.' She opened the heavy plastic curtain to the inside and pointed to one of the glass cases that said "Cremerie."

"Ah!" I said. "D'accord!" (I sure hope that means 'Of course!')

Then I bought a pear. This man seemed more serious, more French - big with a craggy face and a bit of a scowl. I poked at some rock-hard pears and said 'Quand?' He looked askance. 'Pour manger?' I said, mimicking eating one. He nodded with respect and found a large, mottled one and let me squeeze it. It seemed okay. Not pretty but just firm enough, so I got it. When he gave me my change I accidentally dropped a coin among the pears and he leaned over and moved some pears and found it -- it was a tiny penny (centime?) and we both grinned and shrugged. Such is life. Weh, weh.

I carried my little bags back, climbed the stairs and took off my coat (and Romeo's coat, too, and if you don't know who he is, well, I'm not going to tell you because it doesn't really advance the story here). Was I hungry? A little maybe. But I was more than ready to finally eat some protein and have my first dinner since I got here 3 days ago. (Don't ask. You don't want to know. Suffice it to say I was up each morning at 4 starving, waiting for the hotel to serve carbs and coffee at seven. Such hardship.)

Well, I put butter in the pan and thin-sliced in about half the mushroom while I got the chops out of the fridge. I kept the mushroom slices away from each other because I watched 'Julie and Julia' on the plane coming over and Julia Childs says Don't Crowd The Mushrooms. Anyway, I wanted them to brown so I always do that anyway. I just don't think, in that high-pitched stentorian tone "Don't Crowd The Mushrooms." It may have had an effect, because she was right. Oh my was she right.

While the chop was cooking, I removed the golden mushroom slices to the waiting plate and ate them with a fork, standing there at the stove. OMG. Sooo good. Why? I don't know. But I've done that in NY and they didn't taste like this. Is it the butter? Oh, mercy.

Then I ate the chop. Good God, it was fantastic. Slightly tough, nothing on it but a little salt and pepper. But the taste was in technicolor. Gorgeous. Why was it so good? I wasn't starving. There's no reason it should taste like that. But it did.

And now the whole apartment reeks like a quick-fry joint on a Sunday at Ocean Park, even though an hour has passed. I hope the smell has gone by the time my son and family get here tomorrow night because it's gotten really cold again and I don't want to open the windows to air the place out. And it hits you, that smell.

But I don't care. I'd do it again. In fact, I will surely do it again because I have 2 chops, butter and the other half of that huge snowy mushroom still resting patiently in the fridge, waiting for my hunger to return whereupon I know they will, shmoo-like, offer themselves to me yet again, their hearts full of joy.

I never realized that food in France is excellent even when you cook it yourself. Even when you are a minimalist cook -- which is what I very generously call myself. But it is better than what I cook the same way back in New York. The French grow it differently, I'm sure of it. Or they say spells over it, handed down since the middle ages. It's not my imagination. Oh my. Maybe I'll go to sleep until I get hungry again.

Blog Post: OKAY, BIG ANNOUNCEMENT HERE TONIGHT

Barbara — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 21:58:00 +0000

I just spent many hours on this announcement and 2 minutes ago sent it off to my heroic techie. Hopefully it will be sent out to my whole mailing list. I hope so because this is new and I need some reactions -- I even like those 'Out of Office' responses because they react so quickly! (Don't be shy about leaving comments if you have a moment -- even if it's to point out a typo. It's nice to know someone's there.)

Hi All

I believe this is a launch. Never used that word for anything in the past, though I'm sure I've launched things before. But there's something unusual behind this launch and I want to say it out loud to you. I'm doing this particular launch because, plain and simple - I don't want to market anymore.

I don't want to market anymore. I want to do the work I love doing but I don't want to sell it anymore.

Now, I know a lot of people don't want to market anymore, and I know that you have to do it anyway. Most of the time. But I've been doing my work and marketing it for a very long time and now I want to stop. Before I announce to you the change I'm beginning as of right now, I first would like to do some more complaining.

I don't want to send out lots of newsletters and emails saying 'Come to my party,' I simply want to announce it. I'll be happy to tell you when I'm running Resistance classes or IdeaParties on conference calls and give you the dates & locations for the spring and fall Scanner and the WriteSpeak program -- and then stop right there. After that I want to write newsletters about other things, marvelous things that I discover and want to tell you about.

I don't want to promote any of the books or audios or kits I sell on geniuspress either (and you might have noticed that I never have done so).

What pops into my head is what John Cusack says in the wonderful 1989 movie, 'Say Anything,'

I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or process anything sold, bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought or processed -- or repair anything sold, bought or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

That makes me laugh every time I read it. But here's my point.

To my great surprise, I'm becoming an old lady. Now, please don't write to tell me I'm not really old and all that stuff. I know, I know. Like all old people who were born learners and observers to start with, I know I'm getting smarter every year, and like all old people who are paying attention, I understand clearly what 'time limits,' means. As a result, I have a very clear picture of what I want to do in the coming few years while I'm still sturdy and bossy, and that is to tell you everything I know.

This is not a pitch. This is what I've been thinking, and it won't let go of me. So consider it the first of my announcements and you're welcome to ignore it if you like. You'll know if it's right for you or not.

Now, since I've never tried very hard to accumulate Wealth and build Empires, I'll still need income. But I'd like to be paid for what I teach, not for my marketing skills.

So, I want to announce some subscription/membership programs that will give you such huge discounts you'll come on your own and I won't have to do all the difficult, time-consuming stuff that I really can't delegate.

I'm also going to teach a year-long Master Class. This is big. This is about me trying to make sure that the best of my work will continue to be out in the world even if I'm abducted by aliens. It's designed mostly for coaches (you'll be certified when you complete the course) but I really hope to see teachers, parents and talk show hosts in it, anyone who helps people and wants to learn how to do what I do.

How to do what I do. I used to think it wasn't exactly teachable, that all I could do was let you watch me do it. But now, happily enough, I know how to teach it. Now people can learn it and use it to help other people. That's what feels really right at this time in my life.

If that looks right for you too, maybe you should be at this Master Class. I'm going to teach the most important of all the techniques I've developed, as well as showing you how to get a little bit famous, like I am. :-)

Everything starts in January of 2010. (If you've already signed up for any of my programs in 2010, you can still subscribe and get your huge & massive discount on those programs.)

Okay, here's what it is and here's the fee for each choice. (No, I don't do up-sells and I won't make you read 20 pages and click 10 links to find out what everything costs.)

(Toe In The Water) Level I Club - $600

If you want to learn as much as you can about knocking down the walls of your resistance as well as getting dozens of great brains to help you come up with ideas and info but you'd like a little anonymity and time to decide if you want to go further, this is probably the right choice for you. At Level I you'll be able to attend (or get the recordings of) all my Resistance and IdeaParty teleclasses in 2010 for free. I'm planning to do at least 10 of them.

You'll also be able to head over to www.geniuspress.com and look at all the books, audios and kits and pick any or all of them (electronic or hard copy) for 50% of the price. (Incidentally, the prices haven't changed in years and I won't be slipping in there and raising them in advance, either.)

And if you'd like to halve the tariff for my new BigCheapWeekendWorkshop in NY in June (it's going to be terrific and I'm smiling as I think of it) you'll be able to do that, too.

Now, my math's not great but I figure you'll get at least $2000 dollars worth of goodies right there (and I expect to add more stuff -- like a CD of all my audio tips, for instance -- during the year). It's good stuff.

You'll get the most benefit (and make my life easier) if you sign up via Paypal before January 15. Ask everyone to give you cash for Xmas and you can probably make it work.

(Ready to Splash Around Big Time) Level II Club - $2400

If you'd like all the above but you really want to work with me face-to-face in a 5-day retreat in 2010, this is for you. At the same huge 50% discount you'll be able to attend one of the year's Scanner retreats (in some gorgeous locale). If you want to, you can sign up for the whole WriteSpeak program, too (which includes its own 5-day retreat). If you've ever wanted to be part of a really special community/support team, a retreat is where you'll find it. What happens after the retreats is as important as what happens during them. (Check out the testimonials on www.geniuspress.com for Scanner Retreats and the WriteSpeak program and you'll see what I mean.)

For the Ready to Splash Around Big Time Level II Club you really do have to get in before January 15 because the next WriteSpeak Pt I Teleworkshop is January 16 and it's the prerequisite for the rest of the program). Now, my math, if this makes any difference, says that you will not only save the $2000 value of the Toe in The Water Club, but in addition, up to $3500 if you take advantage of everything above. (I'll send you either audios or transcripts for anything you can't attend.)

If you've already signed up for the April Scanner Retreat in France, or the Jan, Feb WriteSpeak program in New York and you want to subscribe at this level, that's fine. I'll be happy to get someone to figure out the math and make it come out right.

(Taking the Veil) Coaching Certification Master Class - $8400

Well, I don't really know much about taking the veil except from the movies. It looked all gallant and romantic with Audrey Hepburn, and wonderfully evil and powerful in The Blues Brothers so I'm pretty convinced of my own total ignorance here and I guess that's not really what I mean.

What I do mean is this: if you're ready to make a serious commitment to becoming the best counselor/teacher/helper/coach you possibly can be, by accessing and developing your innate talents and learning how to do pretty much everything I do, if you want to be part of a tightly-knit, supportive and brilliant community, and if you'd also like to make a better-than-decent living at it, then this is the right choice for you.
Some of you have watched (or heard) me guide someone through a 'self correcting scenario,' for instance, or take someone back to the source of their resistance (and often the source of their parents' as well) and you've seen the light bulb go on as they finally understood the true picture of who they are and why they do what they do, and how to change it in a profound way.

If so, you might be one of the people who wanted to know what was happening: 'How did you do that?' 'Why did you say this at this time?' 'How did you know that was the wrong path, how did you see the right path?'

If that kind of thing matters to you, the Master Class is for you.
Showing dedicated, talented people how to help others by fully using their gifts and showing them how to do everything I've learned to do and showing them how to make a better-than-decent living so they'll want to keep doing it for years and years -- that's how I want to spend my remaining time on this planet.

So as of today I pronounce that I insofar as I am able, I shall no longer market anything and all my newsletters and blogs will be about wonderful stuff I love to write about.

REGARDING ALL THE MANY DETAILS I'VE LEFT OUT:
I'm going to put up some pages on Genius Press to spell out all the many details of this big new thing, like how to be interviewed for the Master Class and nice lists of what you'll get such as the Master Class will get free admission to the BigCheapWeekendWorkshop in June and you'll all get advance notice of any events I schedule. That sort of thing. I'll also explain that I won't be doing swaps or payments because they're too hard to keep track of, and how there's room for everyone in the Level I Club, but room for not so many people in the Level II Club and room for very few in the Master Class.

(Which is why I'm going to close admission as soon as I've hit the right numbers so I wouldn't stall about this too long.)

And there's got to be a whole lot more I need to explain.

But it's been a long day figuring this out all this and I'll never in this world get the extra information up on the website for at least few more days.

HERE'S WHAT YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW:

* You can say 'I know all I need to know, Count me in,' and go into Paypal and send a payment to my email address (if you don't have it, just hit reply to this announcement and me ask for it. I'll enjoy getting that kind of request.)

or

* You can hit reply and ask me questions, which I'd actually welcome because I know for sure I haven't worked out every detail and your bewilderment will make me aware of what's needed. As anyone in my WriteSpeak class will tell you, questions are very fine things.

I want you to use your talents and fulfill your dreams. I want that a lot. I think that's a good thing that I can do for you and for the world.

Okay, that's what I wanted to tell you.

Barbara

To help you plan, here are the dates I know about so far:

The WriteSpeak Part I Teleworkshop: January 16, 2010, from 11 am to 5 pm (or so).

(I may schedule a second Teleworkshop before the retreat. Watch this space.)

The WriteSpeak Part II Retreat: February 12 - 17, 2010 in New York City.

The Scanner Retreat: April 6 - 11, 2010 in a medieval village in France

Another Scanner Retreat in Europe in the fall, when the weather cools down.

The Big Cheap Weekend Workshop, probably June 25-27, 2010 in New York City.

Okay, now you know everything I know.

Blog Post: BLUES MUSICIAN & WHY I LOVE MY JOB

Barbara — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 10:53:00 +0000

Just got a letter from someone I had a session with a number of years ago. He worked in the Post Office (which was safe, but boring) and he loved the blues. He played blues when he could, and I think he even had a student or two at the time, but his dream was to find and record the remaining blues musicians, legendary to those who were knowledgeable, in the deep south, and he had no idea how to do it. "I'm not a famous musician, I don't have any money, how could I get there, and why would any of them let me into their homes?"

A few months later he was in his car, his recording equipment in the trunk, heading for the homes of some elderly blues musicians. He had money for gas, sandwiches and batteries, nothing extra. But these elderly musicians could see he was sincere and welcomed him. He recorded them. There's a lot more to that story (and I'll invite him to tell us about it one of these days -- and correct my memory if I've erred -- I can't find him anywhere in the book he mentions) but that trip changed his life.

Today he wrote me some wonderful letters. I think you might want to read them if you've got voices (internal or external) telling you that your dream is impossible:

Hi Barbara,
I don't know if you remember me, but you mentioned a bit of my story in your book 'It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now.' I'm the mailman (well, I was) that taught blues guitar in a music store in my spare time.

Well, I'm very happy to say that it's been 5 years now since I left the Post Office and I am now living my life long dream of performing and teaching music full time... and quite successfully at that!

I want to thank you for your books, tapes and for meeting with me in your studio for a one on one session. It all helped tremendously.

Thanks again!!!

TW

Nice. So I answered:

On Dec 9, 2009, at 12:33 PM, Barbara Sher wrote:

Of course I remember you, Toby. This is wonderful news! Thank you for thinking of me. You've made me very happy.

Tell me more. What are you doing and where?

Barbara

And here's his answer:

Hi Barbara,

First off... I'm very happy and fulfilled. I got back 7 weeks ago from my 9th tour of the U.K where I have a load of fans. I also have a wonderful agent here in the U.S. (not very many people in the acoustic music business are lucky enough to have one) and she's a pleasure to work with. We've been together now for 4 years... she has over 24 years of experience in the business so I'm working fairly steady. I'm now based in Denviille NJ and gig along the eastern seaboard... from Maryland where my agent is based to Boston. Most of the places I now play are real nice listening rooms... concerts as opposed to bars. Sometimes the shows are held in theaters... other times in churches.

Schools are also wonderful places to perform in... I do a special show for 5th to 8th graders which encompasses how the blues reflected the Great Migration of African Americans in America. Believe it or not... Carnegie Hall contacted me one year and had me perform over 40 of these shows in the Bronx, Brooklyn, Queens, Westchester and Jersey City.

I have 9 CD's out now and I've been featured in all kinds of publications.. including the NY Times and the London Sunday Times... whoo boy!!!

I'm also teaching... I do that out of my home now but many times I give workshops on the road. For the last 5 years I've been very, very fortunate to have been teaching at quite a prestigious guitar camp in Ohio... the Fur Peace Ranch. It's run by the guitar player who used to be in the rock band Jefferson Airplane... Jorma Kaukonen. He's considered a real 'guitar god' among thousands of fans but it's kind of cool that he thinks I'm an incredible player as well.

I decided to leave the Post Office 5 years ago as I was earning more with music than with them. But the money wasn't the real issue. I needed to do something that spoke to me... I needed to honor my gift. Many, many times when I see a mail truck go by I remember how fortunate I am to have made that decision. My own mailman frequently laments how worse the job has gotten over the last few years. My goodness.

I'm also married... VERY happily to a wonderful woman named C. She just retired from teaching chorus in high school and she's a gifted musician... playing piano, harp, upright bass and mountain dulcimer. She says that she's always wanted a musician to travel with and we just couldn't be happier. She now is an accompanist to major choral group here in NJ... as well as doing work for plays and other productions in the area. Best of all, she loves helping me with all the paperwork (how lucky am I?) and loves going on the road with me. She's a fellow 'road warrior' and loves traveling as much as I do.

I've told her many times about how much you've inspired me and what kind of a woman you are. One of these days it would be great to have her meet you.

So, there you have it Barbara. Your words, in books, audio tapes and of course in person have helped me become the person I was meant to be. I really love you for it.

Always Lookin' Forward,
Toby Walker

http://www.littletobywalker.com/
http://www.youtube.com/user/tobywalker123
http://www.myspace.com/tobyblues

United States and Canadian Representation:
McShane Glover, Noteworthy Productions, Annapolis, MD
410 268 8232
http://www.mcnote.com
email - mcshane@mcnote.com

U.K representation:
John Adams john.adams@mail.com
Basingstoke, England
Cell: 07702 554 989
Office: 01256 461 224

Radio Promotion:
Lisa Grey
Blue River Promotions
Tel: 914-762-2976
lgrey@optonline.net

Toby Walker uses:

Huss and Dalton Guitars - http://www.hussanddalton.com/
National Reso-Phonic Guitars - http://www.nationalguitars.com/
D'Addario Strings - http://www.daddario.com
Rocky Mountain Slides - http://www.rockymountainslides.com/
Ultrasound Amplifiers - http://www.ultrasoundamps.com/

'Nough said. I think you can see why I love my job. It's also why I'm giving a leg up to all my WriteSpeak students and grads (some of whom are already getting letters like this themselves!). When you love what you do, and when you can do some good in the world, you've got a pretty good life. And you're doing the right thing. Good feeling.

Blog Post: Action instead of Aggravation

Barbara — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 09:55:00 +0000

That's what I used to say to my kids when they were worried about something that might happen in the near future: Instead of,"Let's do something about it instead of worrying ourselves to death," I'd say. "Action Instead of Aggravation!"

I see I haven't changed much in the last 40 years. Here's an exchange I had recently with someone who wrote me an email. (The letters she sent were much longer than the excerpts I've copied here.)

(1) Country: Canada
Permission: OK to publish

Question: Dear Barbara.......I am so glad I found you at this time in my life! I stumbled on your book "Live The Life You Love" at the library. I have never been in such a "dark" place in all my life. [She goes on to describe a very difficult childhood and the resulting anxiety she has always experienced] It has prevented me from doing much. I recently moved back home (sadly my mom has passed on so her warmth is not here) and my dad is still verbally abusive... My sister is mentally ill and has been taking her wrath out on me and my brother since we were small.

My grown kids are always angry with me. Even my best friend says she is tired of my "pity parties." I'm seeing a counselor who listens very well but cannot really help me other than listen.

My courage is at an all time low - I need a job. There's more, and it's just as bad. Anyway, any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

GL

(2) Hi GL:

I have a suggestion. I'm hardly the first person to advise this, and you're not going to want to do it but you should really give it a try. It almost always works:

Go to some place where people need something you’re skilled at (like speaking English, for instance) and help them. That is, volunteer.

Don't volunteer to lick stamps or do any kind of solo work. Go where there you can help humans who need you. Teaching English to people who want to learn it is one thing you can do. No matter how low your self-esteem might be, you must admit you speak pretty good English.

Everyone who teaches English to immigrants or reading to illiterate adults invariably loves it. They tell me they meet wonderful, courageous people who are really worth helping. They get a lot of respect from their students, too, and getting respect right now would be better than vitamins for you.

You’re clearly depressed, so I'm glad you're getting professional help. But your letter shows that you're too much in the habit of thinking and talking about yourself. That's not wise. Isolation exaggerates dark feelings. Get into action and focus on something important enough to make you forget yourself for a few hours every day. Sign up for a steady schedule, and volunteer to teach conversational English to foreigners in classrooms. Or at coffee. Or in the park after class. It will open up a new world for you.

Try it and see.

Barbara

(3) Thank you so much Barbara. I feel honored that you would take the time to offer some advice to little old me. I just started the chapter in your book( Lesson 6 on Resistance.) I am only able to read at night in bed (easier to concentrate) so will read on tonight. I just feel so insignificant and transparent and so very sad. I might be depressed but everything in my life is conducive to that so it's a "normal" depression I think. I am actually a very strong person but lately it's all getting too much. I might try and move to Cold Springs Island where I can live surrounded by wildlife. GL

(4) No, no, unh unh, GL. Bad idea. I don’t think you heard me. First, I strongly advise against moving anywhere that will make you more isolated than you are right now. You need to have your thoughts interrupted by appointments, human voices and faces. Everyone who's down in the dumps always wants to be more alone but isolation almost always makes everything worse.

Second, let me spell out what I told you in my previous note: I said to go — on a regular basis, like every Tuesday and Thursday morning of every week for at least 3 months — to a location where you can help someone else. Teaching English to foreigners is one way to do that, but not the only way.

Third, I didn’t say to read Lesson 6 on Resistance. or any of my books. They won’t help you right now. They're not right for where you are. The only thing that’s right for you at this point in time is to pick yourself up, hose yourself down, put on some clothes that won't attract attention and find a volunteer job helping other people. You are in no position to be thinking about yourself right now. You must battle your self-focused impulses and be able to think about others, people you feel responsible for, at least 6 hours a week. Otherwise you'll never get out of that damp, dark basement.

Fourth: Your circumstances are certainly bad, but it doesn’t matter why you’re depressed, you are depressed. If you weren't, you'd change your circumstances for the better without writing me. But that's hard to do when you're feeling negative. You're not in any mood to create opportunities or invent something great for yourself. Taking initiative isn't one of the symptoms of unhappiness. But there are projects that already exist and you can go to them. Your lack of energy can't be reversed unless you have to be somewhere at a certain regular time doing something with other humans; something that makes a difference.

If you can't find a way in the door to teach English to adults, go to a women’s shelter, find out what they need and see if you can find a way to get it for them. Sometimes it means no more than cleaning out your closet and giving them some nice clothes, or children's books to read to their kids. Well, for starters. Then you have to start bothering other people to donate their clothes and children's books. :-) Next thing you know, you'll feel depressed a whole lot less.

Helping animals can be good too, but I think you need a different kind of feedback, more challenging to your "long thoughts," so it's humans for you, at least for a while. Help them. Make their lives easier. That's a sunny occupation and will get rid of the mold that wants to grow in your thinking.

You won’t want to do this, I know. Clearly you feel bitter, a victim of injustice, and you don’t want to help anyone. You might think you have nothing to give. Or that you have to straighten out your life before you can help other people. But trust me, that thinking, justified or not, will keep you weak. Quit looking at the darkness around your shoulders. Look out the window instead.

Now, quit reading my book and fantasizing about getting a job. Just drag your butt out there and do what I'm telling you.

Barbara

(6) Hi Barbara

I don't know if I will have the time to volunteer as I have to get a job before my savings are all depleted. This means I have to summon up strength that I don't know if I have and put all my time and efforts into earning a living.(even if I have to take anything for now) With the economic times the way they are there are many unemployed and me being 53 years old I don't exactly have youth on my side either. I do so appreciate you taking the time to reply Barbara.

(7)Not.

If you get dressed and make some calls and volunteer tomorrow, you might have the energy to look for a job the next day or the next week. You'll also have the air of someone who's doing something on this planet that matters. You'll make a better impression in an interview than you can today.

If you stick around your volunteer position for a month or so and give it everything you've got, and you put your heart into never short-changing the people who need your help, you'll probably get hired by the organization, or, at the very least, be given a great letter of recommendation. Showing up and caring about what you do will make you stand out from the crowd. You'll be noticed.

If you don’t do what I'm telling you to do, and pretty quick, you might just stay where you are until all your savings are gone.

You know I'm right. Why didn't you go looking for a job yesterday? You felt lousy, that's why. It's the same reason you won't go looking for a job tomorrow.

Quit writing me letters and start searching the internet for a volunteer opportunity, right now.

Barbara

(7) Okay, Barbara - I will try my best! You're tough. Thanks.

...................
Well, dear reader, that's the whole exchange. I haven't heard from her, and I have no more muscle to make her do something than you see above. I know that chances are at least 50/50 that she won't act soon enough to avoid being pulled further down into the soup. But that leaves a whole 50% chance that she will, and that's worth the effort.

So why do I answer letters like this one? Well, I've had enough practice and experience to know that I'm probably right in what I told her. And I get lots of letters that show that sometimes I do make a difference.

For the rest, I do it for myself. I just remember what Tracy Kidder said in one of my favorite books, Mountains Beyond Mountains:

"If you do the right thing well, you avoid futility."

He's talking about a true hero, Doctor Paul Farmer. There aren't enough people on this planet like him. He has set himself an almost impossible task - originally to stamp out tuberculosis in Haiti. But he's made amazing progress not only against the disease but against the world-wide organizations and people who block real solutions. And that's not the most 'impossible' task he's set himself. He's throwing everything he has at trying to stamp out poverty because he knows it's the true cause of disease.

I'm not a hero, just one of those people who knows a couple of things and isn't afraid to boss people around and tell them what to do. There aren't enough of us, either.

But I'm trying to do something about that, too. I'm helping some wonderful students use their personal experience to help others, so I have reason to expect that soon there will be more bossy people who know what they're talking about, walking up to people they recognize as being like themselves, and bossing them around too."Get into action. Do something for somebody and stick with it for a while!" Action instead of Aggravation!

I'm hoping for a groundswell.

:-)

:

Blog Post: In case you're not on my mailing list..

Barbara — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 20:51:00 +0000

Barbara Sher's Newsletter

Hi All!

The first part of this newsletter is about going places. The second is about coming home. Not about me coming home. Maybe about you coming home.

GOING PLACES

I'm getting ready to head out for the French Pyrenees, to meet my son and his family for Christmas and New Year's. While still jetlagged, I fully expect to be dodging my very dangerous 6 year-old, snowball-shooting grandson's missiles. (You'd think my son would protect me since it's his kid and all, but he just keeps laughing and taking movies.)

When I finally haul my carcass off the battlefield I'll grab a nap and then pick up my ongoing project of shifting a whole lot of my work to Europe. I'm setting up even more speaking gigs for myself -- I'm thinking Sweden, maybe Estonia, you know?

You can see the ones I'm already doing. I'm doing that partly for my 'half-the-year in the E.U.' plan for 2010, and partly, as always, to stay one step ahead of my WriteSpeak students (more about that in COMING HOME, below).

What started as a good excuse to spend more time with my overseas family has turned into something much bigger.

TWITTER GLOBAL NEW YEAR'S IDEA PARTY

The more I see my mission as saving as many geniuses as I can in my lifetime and making the world a better place by freeing up all that genius, the more I realize that none of it would be possible without the internet.

The Twitter Idea Party we started last March has become a launching pad for the dreams of people all over the world (who are almost always a mere two pieces of information from getting exactly what they want). That's a source of people power I just have to keep sharing.

So, when I get to my hotel and dust off the snow, as New Year's Eve approaches, I'm going to do another round of the Global Idea Party, like we did last March. I don't know who'll be joining me, but I'll be there (and I'll need you to join me, at least part of the time) and together we'll be heading through every time zone to ring in the new year by helping people make their dreams come true.

It won't combine with conference calling this time, because I won't have the crew working with me as I did last time. (They kind of threatened my life if I made them stay up all night again.) You can see the story at the Wishcraft 30th birthday celebration site. (Remind me to put a clip up on YouTube from my 'Idea Party Pledge Special' before December 31st, just to get you warmed up.)

SINCE I'LL BE IN FRANCE ANYWAY...

Whilst in France, we're also visiting the site for my next Scanner Retreat in April. It's an immaculate inn set in a medieval stone village that overlooks the Languedoc countryside. We found the place quite by accident, (here's that jolly story: ) but we knew this was the right place as soon as we saw it. It can't be very well known yet because we've gotten a great group rate in fabulous rooms with breakfasts and gourmet dinners. It's kind of like a wonderful dream. And you'll be surrounded by Scanners, possibly the first time you'll be among people who understand who you are (read: who don't think you're flaky).

So, here's to the world. See as much of it as you can, because you never know which dreams you'll uncover. And make sure you get all the help you need to make them come true. I'll be here, so join the party, come to a Scanner Retreat and find your tribe! When you win, it's good for all of us!

And now...
COMING HOME

When I get back to New York I won't be lounging about either. January 16 will be the next (and only, for a long while) Part I Telephone Workshop for the WriteSpeak program. That's where you find out what your message is - or you begin to. Read on and you'll see what I'm talking about.

The teleworkshop is the prerequisite for WriteSpeak Part II, which is the Retreat on Feb 12-17, so if you haven't already taken it, you'd best sign up. If you want to come to the WriteSpeak retreat in New York in February, that is.

I know I ran a WriteSpeak retreat less than a month ago. I didn't plan to have another for a year or so. But there's a story here, too.

A few days before last November's retreat began, three of the nicest, smartest attendees had to drop out. They were very unhappy about that, but one had pneumonia (she was going to come anyway, but I swore I'd do everything in my power to hold a February retreat for her, so she stayed in bed. She is now fully recovered and holding me to my promise!). Two others were told subtly by their bosses that if they missed that particular Monday or Tuesday (whatever), they might not need to come back to work at all, ever. Choke. Naturally, I promised them I'd have a retreat in February, too.

So don't make a liar out of me. Help me find some wonderful people who know they should be writing and speaking but didn't know they could. Just show them the letters I got tonight from the grads of November's retreat. I can hardly read them without beaming and getting a tear in my eye, and that's not a figure of speech. I guess I'll just let them write the rest of this newsletter.

Barbara Sher's WriteSpeak Retreat was incredible. I'm not a coach, or a writer, and I thought I would be out of place. But this was just the place for me, because I want to be a speaker. I've always known that someday, some way, I would be a speaker - but I had no idea where or how to start. Barbara's retreat gave me exactly what I needed to get started. In addition to Barbara's help and inspiration, the support and camaraderie of all the wonderful people who participated is an amazing and powerful thing. Whatever you have to do to get there, do it! It is the best thing you can do for yourself.

And another:

Attending Barbara Sher's WriteSpeak retreat was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I was completely unclear about what my message was before attending - and completely clear and energized about it afterwards. It was fun, casual (I wore my pajamas) and extremely informative. I made new friends - and after 5 years of procrastinating, I finally started blogging. This was unlike any other workshop I've ever attended. Nothing held back, all questions answered and no upsells. It's chatting with Barbara in a living room. We drank coffee, we ate home-made biscuits and we laughed like crazy. If you're thinking about attending, don't hesitate. Sign up now. You'll love it.

and her man, Joe (I love the way that sounds) said:

It's OK for boys to come, too.

They're both hot as pistols and oh-so-ready for me to begin Part III. Take a look at their wonderful blogs and you'll see what I mean:

Patty's blog

Joe's blog

Here's the only other 'testimonial' I'll ask you to read. It's not short, but I don't want to cut a word of it. You'll see why:
Barbara, and the retreat she made, handed me my life's work. I seriously do not know how to thank her.

Coming to the WS retreat had no less a result than leading me nose-first right to my Thing. The Thing I have been looking for practically my entire adult life. My Thing, my Mission From God, you get the idea. And now that I've figured out the Thing, it answers so many questions I've always had about my whole reason for being.

I think it was two things that clinched it: first, the exercise of speaking to my Orphan. This pointed me right at what I would say to someone who reminded me of me. And me saying to Barbara after the exercise that there was something I was avoiding telling my orphan, because I didn't want to freak her out. And Barbara saying "That thing you didn't want to tell her? That was your message." At the time I didn't get it, but over the course of the retreat I came to see how exactly right this was.

The other was Barbara saying that there's something that every one of us has already spent the 'Malcolm Gladwell Required 10,000 hours' becoming an expert on. I understood, in the intellect, that my mission was somehow about helping my orphan, in all her guises. But I didn't really get this until lying in bed one night at the retreat, trying to stay awake and do my homework, and realizing: THIS is what I'm an expert on. This stuff is what I think about, what I write about, what I'm obsessed with. This is the mission. What I never got before was that my obsession with constructing my self would be the basis of my vocation. That my mission could be the result and the healing of this formative wound, made manifest. And that healing myself would be a natural by-product of helping others who remind me of me.

To sum up: the retreat helped me discover my Mission, which I knew was somewhere, but which I had struggled long and hard to find. I didn't know this would happen. I thought I was coming to learn about writing and speaking as a career, and that I would figure out what sort of thing I might be writing and speaking about later. I did not expect that I would leave the retreat having found my life's purpose. What I ended up with is the biggest, most valuable gift I have ever gotten from any kind of education in my whole life.

All this "mission" business aside - I would go anywhere to sit at Barbara's feet and soak up her smartness and laugh at her jokes. Because she is so funny and so real and so perceptive about what people need that just being in her presence is an education. I love her, and kind of want to marry her (Barbara, you should know that I make the best, most protein-y breakfasts in the world). But since she is unlikely to agree to this, I am happy to have her as the chairperson of my High Council of Jedi Knights, and unreservedly, strongly recommend that anyone who has a chance to study with her do it!

THAT'S WHAT I MEANT BY 'COMING HOME.' I DIDN'T MEAN ME, I MEANT YOU.

Nothing more to say. That's all you need to know to make up your mind to be there, or to uncork the mission of some stuck genius you value, who ought to be telling the world what he worked so hard to learn in life. That's an obligation you/they have. It's my most welcome obligation to show you how to do it.

With warmest, highest regard,

Barbara Sher

PS: here's your audio tip.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

WRITESPEAK PART I - TELEWORKSHOP JANUARY 16, 2010

WRITESPEAK PART II - 6-DAY RETREAT IN NEW YORK CITY, FEBRUARY 12 - 17

SCANNER 6-DAY RETREAT IN FRANCE, APRIL 6 - 11, 2010

Blog Post: I like to comment on blogs or Why Don't You Start a Speaker's Bureau

Barbara — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 10:22:00 +0000

Google Alerts tells me that one of my books was mentioned on someone's blog, so, before getting down to other work, I take a look and leave a comment. I think that's a pretty good practice for people like me and it's one of the assignments I give to students in my WriteSpeak classes, so I usually attempt to do it at least once a day.

As usual, I waxed prolix, so after tweeting the URL so others will look at the nice blog (as a courtesy to the blogger, who is trying to find some kind of business to start) I have adapted my comment and 'repurposed' it as a post on the Life of a WriterSpeaker. (It bothers me when a word I don't like is the best word to use, but 'repurposed' wins today.)

I'm pretty sure it won't be of much use to the person who has the blog, to be honest. I think they want to sell sporting goods. But, hey, we do what we can.

Ah, but now I must first tell one of my dad's favorite jokes, since I see that what I've done is a perfect example of it:

It's nighttime and a man walking down the street sees another man searching for something at the foot of a streetlight. The first man tries to help with the search and asks, 'What did you lose?'
'I lost a quarter,' says the searcher.
'Oh. Where did you drop it?'
'Over there, in that dark alley.'
'But that's 30 feet away!' says the first man. 'Why are you searching here?'
'Because,' says the searcher, 'this is where the light is.'

MY COMMENT TO THE BLOGGER:

Thanks for including I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was, as well as the other book I'm familiar with (and like very much), Barbara Winter's Making a Living Without a Job. I think we both come from the same place regarding starting your own business: keep it small and creative, if you've got money, don't risk it.

I never had much capital to invest and banks weren't interested in single moms with 2 little kids and miniscule child support, for which I can only thank them. Smith and Hawken authored a book I read some years ago, don't have it now so I hope I'm getting that 'Smith' part right, but it said loud and clear, 'Don't borrow money.' Their idea is that you develop your wits by relying on ingenuity.

I agree with another comment that every startup takes a huge amount of work which is one reason I advise basing a business on something you enjoy doing. The other reason is that, if you love something, you're probably gifted at it. That means you have a fine chance of standing out from the crowd and will benefit greatly by rattling some pots and pans to let the world know you exist. (Like having a blog, and commenting on other people's blog).

For my part, I always loved service businesses. No overhead, no inventory to speak of, and if the motor sputters out while you're flying, you can land anywhere, gas up cheaply and take off again. If I didn't know which services I could provide, or didn't want to provide any, I'd ask people to give me some specific ideas. On that premise, I shall give you one specific idea:

This morning, in your position, I believe I'd start a speaker's bureau of some new and fabulous kind, hitherto unheard of. (I have no idea what that would be, but if I needed ideas, I'd head right over to my bulletin board (www.barbarasher.com/boards), go into the Wishes and Obstacles forum and open a new topic with this:

"Wish: to start a speakers bureau of some new and fabulous kind, hitherto unheard of.
Obstacle: Can't imagine what that would be."

Thousands of Sherboarders might see your wish and obstacle, hundreds might jump in to answer it. People love to help people on the Internet (as evidenced in the thoughtful comments you're getting here) and the people on my boards are very smart and generous.

I'd also go to #IdeaParty on Twitter, and ask the same thing (shortening the words 'Wish' and 'Obstacle' to their first initials to save space). #IdeaParty brainstorming is hottest on Thursdays, but it's always open and, after a little wait, you'll get, umm, a few more people than my bulletin board can provide (like a couple million), some of whom might be curious enough to scare up some interesting information for you.

Then, if I were you, I'd head over to HARO (HelpAReporter.com) to see if I could find some speakers to interview and I'd return the favor by helping to publicize them on a blog. They'll tell you what they need, what they're not getting, what they wish was available.

(I might wait until I was launched before sharing *all* my new information with the world, but then I might write a book and call it 'How We Started A Speakers Bureau and Made A Fortune.' :-) No one in any of my classes has ever picked that subject so the field might be wide open. :-)

For more information, you might search google for 'motivational speakers' which will take you to loads of websites. Once there, find out who one would contact in order to book them, and then find the website of that bureau. See how they operate, who they handle, where they brag about placing their speakers.

You might want to book speakers at teh same places, focusing on on the spillover, the really great speakers who don't often get hired by big corporations. Established bureaus aren't usually interested in such people. (Another reason I love tiny businesses with low operating costs: you can get fat on what falls off the big boys' tables>)

Or you might want to handle the whole structure differently, in some original, hitherto unimagined manner, such as a co-op, or a wiki (I don't really know how that would work, actually) or some model that isn't the same old lemonade stand. (A great place to get unexpected ideas is Springwise.com (New business ideas spotted around the world). In fact, I think Springwise itself is a great model for a speakers' bureau (Unusual speakers spotted around the world). Like, um, those free bicycles in Amsterdam - you take one and ride it to where you're going and leave it there and someone else takes it from there. (I'm getting a picture of two or three speakers standing by a bicycle rack. Not good, but I'm sure you can do better.)

Back to the real world: for informational interviewing, I'd contact college and university booking agents. They're usually students and often very willing to share their information about (or complaints with) speakers bureaus.

On the other hand, it kind of looks like you might want to sell sporting goods and if so, disregard every word I've said. I like to come up with micro-business ideas after my morning whopping cup of strong coffee, just to use up the extra caffeine.

In case anyone who reads this comment cares, I find big businesses to be mostly a bad influence on our world, and pushcart or kitchen-table businesses to be the delightful, creative heart and soul of it. I'm pretty sure you want to start a small business, so, whatever you do, I wish you all the luck in the world.

Blog Post: Sometimes you have to remember to cry even if you don't know why.

Barbara — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 10:35:00 +0000

I have an acceptable reason to cry these days, a reason everyone understands. I lost my Mom last July. Being with her the last months while she was dying wasn't easy but there was a lot to do so I didn't cry much. But ever since, that pain sneaks up on me.

I know from years of experience that when I hurt, I should cry. The problem is that I don't always know when hurt is trying to surface. Sometimes I turn it off. Sometimes my big, dumb bodyguard, Resistance (I sometimes call it 'Slugger') thinks it's protecting me from danger by turning the switch on *all* my emotions to 'Off,' and leaving a leaden chest-plate in their place.

So this morning I was working here furiously, my 3 computers - the 10 month old, 2 year old and 5 year old - all open at the same time, and I was having fun designing and setting up new programs and scheduling them, tweeting them, checking my Google Alerts and my Twilerts and Tweetbeeps, humming along as I often do at this jolly time of day when I am frequently quite deft at spinning plates -- when I start to notice that I'm getting totally lost every time a computer slows down or 'Spaces' tosses me to the wrong screen. This is not what I want.

It gets worse and my brain finally grinds to a complete standstill. It's gotta be that A.D.D., I'm thinking. I'm familiar with it: a fog shows up from time to time and I find myself staring blankly at my notes and those sites open on my computer screen, all of which so recently seemed significant and now they all look like they're written in Linear B and I'm Tarzan, and don't know how I came to be sitting here in this familiar but incomprehensible world. (I don't think Tarzan works quite right here, but if you have A.D.D., you know what I mean.)

Damn. Well, I can't do anything about an A.D.D. seizure but let it pass, I guess. And then I notice the heaviness of that leaden chest-plate and I remember what that usually means: something hurts. It doesn't feel like hurt, but that's what it feels like when I'm avoiding feelings. I might not know what it's about, even, and if I did, who wants to experience pain? But I know I'd better try to cry or I'll waste the whole day.

(If you find it odd to acknowledge the presence of emotional hurt when the cause isn't clear, think for a moment. You don't require an explanation of causes when other bodily needs make themselves known. If you're driving and you don't know why you're sleepy, for example, chances are there's a good reason. Pull over and take a nap.)

I'm familiar with this phenomenon as you know if you've read any of my books or come to see me back when I had time to see people. (New thought: I never got foggy when I was working with a living human. Not once. Hmmm. That's worth exploring later.)

Since I invariably become stupified at such moments and don't remember what to do, I've given myself instructions so simple a microbe would understand: Cry.

Right now, with something so obviously painful in my recent past, I don't need to wonder what hurts. I just have to picture my poor mom going through those weeks of discomfort, delirium and fear and the dam breaks and I'm sobbing again. And when the sobbing has finished shaking me around, the lead in my chest and the confusion in my brain are gone. I know that outcome from experience, I expect it, and it happened that way today. And as soon as I finish telling you about this phenomenon, I'm going back to work.

If you're anything like me (or the thousands of people I've worked with in the last 40 years) you'll find that sometimes the signs of sorrow will sneak up on you when nothing painful has happened at all. At those times it's even harder to remember to get out the tears* because 1) you don't feel hurt, you just feel odd, and 2) there doesn't seem to be anything to cry about. This can present a problem that may not be as hard to solve as a quadratic equation w/ 3 unknowns, but hard enough.

(Ask me another time about how fear, the fear that something bad is about to happen in the near future, is often about your sense that a painful emotion is trying to fight its way to the surface. Which is to say, you're actually afraid that the *past* is about to happen.)

To add to the confusion, it's not always hurt that has surfaced, not exactly. It could be nothing more than stress. Studies indicate that tears contain stress enzymes, which might mean that releasing tears relieves stress. It could be fear (which is actually stress, I think) Children, and some of us grownups, can cry when they're frightened. It could even be anger. People who can't or don't want to get really pissed off will sometimes cry from frustration or rage.

I personally believe that you can find some kind of sorrow hiding beneath stress and fear and frustration, but no matter, right now. The point is that if you feel uneasy and/or 'turned off,' bringing up tears will calm you down and wake you up almost every time**. Tears will ease your heart and return your eyesight and brain function. They melt lead chest-plates like hot water melts ice cubes.

But how are you supposed to cry (not that you've consented to do any such thing, I understand that) when you can't think of anything to cry about? Isn't this 'Cry-just-in-case' thing just another gimmick, like spinning or blinking or rapidly tapping your forehead with a small brass hammer? I don't know much about those things, but I doubt it. I'd like to make the case that babies never bother themselves with such questions and they don't seem to care why they want to cry. They cry when they feel like it, and calm down (or doze off) afterwards.

Truth is, for the purpose of quickly relieving numbness, confusion, or the frozen feeling you have before a speech or an audition or an interview or a first date, it doesn't matter what you cry about. It's not even important if you never find out. Think about all the grand, loving, lost collies like Lassie who never got home from Scotland or how it's raining in Odessa if that works, and the resulting emotion, like an aspirin, will seek out the place it's needed and do its work with no further help from you.

Okay, I let my tears out and I feel better and will now get back to setting up my new events, taking side trips to read stuff by kind Jonathan Field and wise Havi and finish the assignments for my heroic WriteSpeak students and get new short url's for my youtube videos...etc. etc. Sticks are up, plates are ready to resume spinning.

But I'm going to try to remember one thing that I didn't think about before:

When I'm in a fog, it's not always A.D.D. at all.

Or, if it is, I've found a cure and will expect notification that I've been awarded the Nobel Prize (or at least the host-ship of Oprah's show) in my mailbox.

I'd really love you to comment below. I'll do everything I can (subscribe to my own blog?) to answer you as soon as I can.

Here are those footnotes you forgot about:

*For those of you who find actual wet tears to be maddeningly evasive, some semi-deep breathing -- or a 'woe is me' series of sighs -- will create almost the same benefit.

** If you cry often and easily, bringing up tears probably won't work for you and my advice is to check with your local psychopharmacologist for signs of depression. If you get the all-clear on that, here's a fortune-cookie piece of advice (but it works): grab a tennis racket and beat the living crap out of your stupid, insolent, bed mattress. Have no mercy. Find that part of you that is self-righteously enraged, completely unfair and unforgiving, and just punish that bugger.

What's the logic in that?
Because feelings that won't go away are frequently smokescreens for less acceptable feelings, and this is a harmless way to blow them out without hurting anyone. Well, it's sometimes kind of hard on the tennis racket. You might want to go to a thrift shop and keep a couple of cheap ones on hand. (Don't get a badminton racket or you'll wind up with a splinter in your eye and your mom will get mad at me.)