Bariatric Revisionary

Dear Obesity...

2012-07-17T14:10:00.000-04:00

Dear Obesity,

There is honestly nothing dear about you... We first met at my birth. I was over 9lbs. Big baby! We continued our "friendship" throughout my childhood. I was cute, chubby, but not yet obese.

You started to rear your ugly head in about 2nd grade. You showed your red flags. I didn't know yet that you would be abusive. It started slowly. At first, you made my peers laugh at me and call me names. You started to isolate me.

Then you made me feel like a ton of bricks when my family couldn't carry me around anymore. They told me I was a big girl. Back then I thought it meant "grown up" but now I know I was wrong. As more time went on you made me feel insecure and weak. You made me think I was the problem. I wasn't... YOU were.

You cheated me. Robbed me of confidence and sense of self. I hid behind many masks as a young kid. Big frumpy clothes was a big defense for me. I hid you because I was ashamed of you. My shame only fed you and made you stronger. You stole away my summers. I never wanted to wear a bathing suit. Even in camp, the pool was torture. I believe everyone was staring at me, mocking me, mocking you...

My family tried to save me from you by sending me to fat camp. It helped in a way. You still controlled my body but I got back my mind. I found the confidence you snatched away from me all those years ago. I no longer looked at the floor when I walked through the crowds at school. I no longer wore baggy clothes and started to try new styles. As hard as I tried to overcome you... I failed... So many times I failed...

Things were a little better in high school. I didn't let you stop me from making friends or playing sports or even the occasional date. But you still continued to make things rough. People still made fun of me. You made me a doormat. I did everything for everyone. I had to work harder to make friends because you made it so hard for people to even want to give me a shot.

At the age of 16 you started to gain control again. Remember, it was the day you stopped me from riding the roller coaster. I gave up a big part of me to you that day. You took my BF next when he told me he no longer found me attractive. You stole my prom away from me. My date was a female friend. You took away my comfort every time I sat down to eat in public, every time I looked at a chair or a booth or a bathroom stall. You robbed me of the freedom of doing all the things my friends did because you instilled in me a fear that told me I couldn't.

The worst came when I met my now ex-husband... thanks a lot for that btw... You robbed my marriage blind for years. You made me wear a machine over my face each night when I went to bed. You stole from me 2502 nights that I could never sleep in his arms. You stole from me... the abilty to cook him dinner and the ability to clean our house. But there was nothing worse then you stealing away my ability to give him a child.

As much as you stole from me, the worst part of it all... I completely let you... Eventually my ex got tired of being robbed and so did I.

I made the decision then and there you wouldn't be allowed to control me anymore. You wouldnt tell me not to walk there, sit in that chair, get on that amusement park ride, talk to that guy, buy that dress, go to the beach or anything else you never allowed me to do. You are no longer allowed to make me feel bad or ugly or shameful. I now know that I am beautiful and worthy of more then you ever allowed me to have. So good bye obesity. I am taking the keys and getting in the drivers seat of my own life. FOR GOOD!!

Since I've let you go, I've walked... the Brooklyn Bridge and the runway. I've rode the roller coasters in Las Vegas and Coney Park. I've spoken to that guy... and that one and that one too, while wearing that dress on the beach! With all this new found control over my life... who knows what I'll do next!

xoxo
SleevePixie

To "Be Drunk" or To "Feel Good"

2012-07-09T11:40:00.000-04:00

Happy Monday all! I hope you had a pleasant weekend. I know I have been keeping busy with all the new things I have in the works but I have also been doing a lot of reading on various WLS forums that I am a part of. I know it's been a while since I've blogged but today, I just felt the need to ask a question.

Transfer addiction post weight loss surgery has been a hot topic for sometime now. Possibly years... I have seen it, I had a breif affair with it, I have recovered from it. However, in the past month or so, it seems like all the rage. Between a dear friend of mine, Melting Mama, talking about it on ABC's Nightline to the countless youtube videos you can find on post-ops having alcohol issues to the need for another dear friend of mine, Connie Stapleton, PhD along with her partner Cari De La Cruz, to be hosting a webinar on it.

I just wanted to throw something out there... Many say that they find they "want to drink". Wanting to drink does NOT mean you have a problem with alcohol. It does not make you an alcoholic it doesn't even necessarily mean you have a problem. While I am not justifying behaviors or giving anyone a rational to continue what you may personally feel is an unhealthy behavior in your life, but I have to ask...

Is the desire you have... the desire to "be drunk" or to "feel good"?

There is a major difference. It is completely normal and healthy to want to feel good. As formerly obese people, we have used food for a long time to feel good. Make no mistake about it. There is a chemical transaction occurring in our brain every time we eat carbs and sugar. Our pleasure receptors are triggered and happy hormones released. Food makes our brain happy. We have become so accustomed to feeling happy from outside sources that we may have forgotten or possibly never learned what it means to find happiness from within.

On the other hand, wanting to "be drunk" to "forget" to "quiet emotions" is an unhealthy state to exist in. If these are the feelings you associate with alcohol, or any other substance for that matter, you are heading down a slippery slope that will lead to no where good.

As with anything, I have always said, you must know yourself. Sit down today and think about where your motivations lie. If you truly believe you are in an unhealthy place and on that road to no where good, perhaps it is time to seek help. You are not alone. There are many others who are feeling the exact same way you do. There are anonymous/closed groups on facebook that you can go to for more support. There are groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and others in your area you can attend that you may find helpful or you may need more help like a therapist or inpatient, detox or out patient treatment.

You may want to start by attending the webinar mentioned above! For more information on the webinar, check out this video.

If you would like some help finding local support in your area or on facebook, comment below or send me an e-mail at SleevePixie@gmail.com.

You are not alone!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Sin City, A Place of Victory!

2012-05-14T13:16:00.001-04:00

It's Monday morning... Just two more nights til I am off to the fabulous Las Vegas also known by many as Sin City. I can only assume it has received its nick name from the various "in your face" taboos. Known for prostitution, gambling, unplanned marriages and alcohol, Vegas is also an amazing place to see shows, eat great food and do things you have never done before!

This will be my second trip to Las Vegas, my first one being last May for the last WLSFA Meet and Greet in 2011. Last May, I was healthy enough to truly enjoy all the wonderful things Vegas has to offer. I was 7 months post my Sleeve and down a significant amount of weight already. I was able to walk up and down the Vegas strip without being in pain and see all the free shows. Mt biggest victory of course was riding the roller coaster at the New York, NY hotel! I hadn't been able to fit in a coaster since I was 16!

So here we are, less then 3 days away from Vegas and I am getting excited for this whole new adventure. This year I am sure a whole new set of victories awaits me. Thursday night I plan on going Zip Lining at Flightlinez on Freemont Street with some of my Bariatric Bad Girls! Zip lining is always something I have wanted to try but never could because I was always over the weight limit. NOT ANYMORE!!! I am also ~~excited~~ ~~nervous~~ ready to bust out my brand new, non plus size bathing suit and catch some sun on Thursday and Friday afternoon. Meet me by the pool and come say HI!

I can only wonder what other adventures this weekend will bring. I know some will be getting tattoos. Others will be catching a show or star watching, as I hear the MGM Awards will be taking place in Vegas on Sunday.

Personally, I am looking forward to seeing old friends, making new ones and having a wonderful and supportive vacation!

Can't wait to see you there!

xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Success Through Failure

2012-05-09T15:10:00.000-04:00

"You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space." - Johnny Cash

I read this on my facebook news feed today and immediately thought it's time to blog!

With so many revision surgeries being done these days, many patients going through this, experience an unbelievable amount of guilt and tremendous feelings of failure.

I can and have definitely shared my feelings of failure when after 2.5 years after my Lap-Band I had only lost 27lbs. In all honesty and fairness, I had really lost 57lbs but after all the throwing up I experienced, my body held onto 30lbs worth of everything I put in my mouth the two months after my band was removed.

We all turned to Weight Loss Surgery as a last resort. One final effort to lose the weight and get healthy and at our LAST RESORT, we failed AGAIN!! If you have gone through this you know exactly the feelings I am talking about.

These feelings also keep many WLS patients from seeking the help they need from their doctors when it is probably needed the most. Remember those feelings of empowerment you felt when you started your first steps towards surgery? The feelings of control you had as you were finally going to take the reins of your life and control the direction of your future? Those positive feelings can be hard to get back the second time around. Trust me... I know...

This quote is exactly the mindset we should have. Don't dwell on the failure. Use it as a stepping stone. Figure out what went wrong the first time and do it right the next time around. If that means getting more educated, do it! If that means getting into therapy, do it! It may mean working out or being more mindful of the things you eat... Whatever it is, do it!

To your success!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Things To Do Instead Of Eating!

2012-04-25T10:08:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been so bored all you could do was think about food? Ever wish those thoughts would just go away!

Well here is a list of 60 things you can do to take your mind off of food!

1. Call a friend, your sponsor, a support person, anyone who you can talk to who will either get your mind off of food, or someone to talk to about whatever it is that you might be feeling.

2. Go for a brisk walk

3. Meditate or listen to a hypnosis or guided visualization download.

4. Give yourself a manicure/pedicure– can’t binge with wet nails.

5. Volunteer at the ASPCA to walk dogs or pet cats.

6. Watch a funny movie at home.

7. Take a shower, give yourself a hot oil treatment, shave your legs, tweeze your brows– self care time.

8.) Get organized sort out your bills, create a budget– organize your home. Often getting organized can help you feel more in control and enable you to thwart a binge, which can often feel very out of control.

9. Draw, paint or color.

10. Knit, crochet or do needlepoint

11. Take a nap

12. Get out of your house and into your car, go to the beach, the lake, the park… somewhere pretty and relaxing.

13. Clean out your closet, donate your old clothes or sell them on eBay.

14. Read a good book.

15. Put on music and dance it out. Go out dancing. Call your friends over and have a dance party.

16. Go to the gym. Stretch, go to a yoga class, do a yoga DVD or an exercise or yoga class on On Demand cable. Move! Do jumping jacks, run in place, anything to move a little energy and release some tension.

17. Take a relaxing bath with nice bath salts or essential oils.

18. Write in your journal

19. Scream into a pillow.

20. Go to an OA or EDA meeting, either online, in person, or on the phone.

21. Go to an online support forum with other people dealing with eating issues. www.obesityhelp.com www.facebook.com (The LIOS group, many other supportive groups for WLS on fb)

22. Read a magazine

23. Write a blog! Read a blog!

24. Chat with friends on facebook or update your facebook profile. Twitter!

25. Sing!

26. Get your hair done or do your own hair. Experiment with different styles, curling iron, flat iron, curlers, etc.

27. Make cards for people, catch up on Thank You notes, send out notes to relatives you haven’t spoken to or seen in a long time. Not the ones that stress you out and make you want to reach for your old friends Ben and Jerry.

28. Go out and take photos.

29. Play video games or facebook games

30. Write and direct a short play with stuffed animals or Barbie dolls or action figures or your pets or sock puppets and videotape it to put on youtube.

31. Smell lavender

32. Pick flowers

33. Garden

34. Create a collage

35. Go bowling, play pool, play golf or miniature golf, play basketball, hit tennis balls, go to a batting cage, go for a swim.

36. Scrapbook

37. Write an angry letter to whomever you are holding anger at. You don’t have to send it, just let it out. Afterwards, put it somewhere safe. You might let go of some emotions that you’d been stuffing and you might find that you no longer have the urge to binge.

38. Go through old pictures

39. Cuddle with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, daughter, son, cat, dog, teddy bear, etc.

40. Do karaoke, you can either go out to do it, or do it at home with friends.

41. Play music! If you play an instrument, whip it out and start playing. If not, teach yourself to play one. Beat on some bongos, ping a triangle, strum a guitar, whatever is convenient to you. If nothing, make an instrument out of household objects and play it.

42. Catch up on your emails

43. Learn a new language!

44. Write a letter to your future self, about what you’re going through right now.

45. Write some notes with positive messages and post them around your home or get out of the house and put them up in dressing rooms, public restroom mirrors, restaurants, etc

46. Make a list of why you rock. Think about what’s great about you. Can’t think of those things? Call someone who loves you and ask them to tell you.

47. Light candles and incense and relax

48. Explore your neighborhood or town. Go to local museums or art galleries.

49. Call a friend or relative who has been unhappy lately and needing some support. Sometimes giving support can be incredibly heartening and also supports the supporter.

50. Use crayons to color hard! This can release tension.

51. Search through your couch and house for change! Put everything you can in a jar and put it aside to start a fund for yourself as a motivator in your journey. Every time you reach a milestone, you can buy yourself something fun, like a new pair of shoes, or some jewelry or new CD, or whatever you like within reason.

52. Roll on your back. This is a spinal massage that helps you to feel relaxed and rejuvenated.

53. Read positive affirmations.

54. Write out your intentions or personal goals for yourself for the week. Write out both long term and short term goals- things that you are striving for and ways to help you get there.

55. Throw a temper tantrum! Go into your bedroom, lay on your stomach in your bed and scream into your pillow while you kick your legs and punch your hands into the bed. Ever see kids do this? They expend all that energy and it moves right through them. As adults, we can’t really do this and lots of anger and pain winds up feeling stuck in the body. We often try to stuff that down with food and for some, get rid of it by purging.

56. Make jewelry out of household items or beads or coins.

57. You can also take that old clothing, especially those that are significant to your pre-op days, and cut it up into squares and make a “recovery quilt.”

58. Do a home makeover! Rearrange your furniture; get rid of things that you no longer want– sell them on eBay! Put up some curtains; just make things pretty for yourself.

59. Do volunteer work.

60. Write a novel, short story, or poetry.

If you can think of any others to add please post below!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Passover... a Bariatric Post-op Lesson

2012-04-05T19:10:00.000-04:00

Passover is probably my most favorite Jewish Holiday. To all my Jewish readers... wipe that look off your face! Yes I enjoy 8 days of matzah brei and nescafe. lol

I was thinking about this today while i was driving to work before I had my coffee. Not sure what made me think of it but here it goes...

Passover is a holiday in which we celebrate the exodus from Egypt. We as Jews went from being slaves for 210 years to being free and the whole holiday is very symbolic. During the first two nights of the holidays we hold a feast which is a called a Seder which means order for those of you who don't speak Hebrew. It's a very organized event.

Everything we do, eat, say is very symbolic. We talking a lot about the idea of going from being slaves to free (wo)men. We drink wine and lean to left like kings while drinking and eating.

So I could take this one of two ways... One is the obvious of going from being a slave to our bodies, a slave to food, a slave to disease and then having surgery and being free but that while that's a lovely comparison, that's not where I am going tonight...

I was thinking this morning as I was driving about the concept of eating after weight loss surgery. We go from being slaves to our bodies and food to being... well... slaves to our bodies and food. How sad is that? Some of us are slaves to the scale while others become slaves to calorie counting or exercise or the worst of all... DIETING!!!

I have talked about this a lot in the past... NO MORE DIET MENTALITY!! One of the things I love about Judaism which hits home particularly during certain holidays is the idea of moderation. Jews can do anything but with moderation. We can eat, but not certain things. We can drink but only certain drinks. We can drive and play on facebook and watch TV etc but only on certain days... There is a time and place for everything. Even things we are not supposed to eat, drink and do are permitted under certain circumstances. Nothing is every 100% forbidden. I LOVE THIS!

On passover, we eat in excess, we drink in excess we act like kings for two nights out of the year. We don't feel guilt about it or shame. We are supposed to be excited and full of joy! So to in our post-op lives. I can't tell you how many patients I see that struggle to find balance in their post-op lives. There is a fear of eating certain foods,like a bite of cake, wearing certain clothes, like a bathing suit, going certain places like to a booth in the restaurant. Stop being afraid to live your life! It's ok to eat a bite or two of cake on some occasions! It's ok to show off your new body at times! It's ok to try new experiences and feel good about them! Learn moderation and let that replace the constant diet mentality or abstinence mentality if you will. Everything is ok under certain circumstances.

To me that is the message of Passover. So tomorrow night, I am going to eat a little too much, drink a little too much and feel like a Queen! No guilt, no shame and no self loathing. I'm not cheating, falling off some imaginary wagon, or being a bad girl. I am living life.

I hope you can all experience life the way I have learned to!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

I Don't Deserve It... Do I?

2012-04-04T11:05:00.001-04:00

A few nights ago I was having a convo with a good friend of mine (Who is having her sleeve as I type!), and she said to me (talking about her upcoming surgery), "I still can't believe it's gonna happen. I feel like something will come up and prevent me from doing it last minute."

My reply to this was to tell her that what she is feeling is normal. Most of us who are overweight for one reason or another have this internal dialogue that tells us we don't deserve good things.

As we continued on talking about this topic I recalled to her a few times in my life I have felt this way. The most recent time I remember feeling this way was the night of my wedding. I recall walking down the aisle on December 1, 2005 thinking to myself, "OK this can't be happening. Who is gonna stand up and object to the marriage? When is Aryeh going to realize he doesn't want to do this?"

Then I told my friend about a time when I was young, couldn't have been more than 5 years old... My school used to take us to the park around the corner to play because the school had no gym. I remember walking down the steps of the school outside on the way to the park thinking to myself, "I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe I am getting to go to the park. This must be a dream." AT 5!! A small little innocent 5 year old... I already didn't think myself worthy of good things. In case you were wondering, yes I was overweight at 5 years old.

Now days, I don't really struggle with this so much. I do feel i deserve good things and happiness. I don't know if that is a result of the weight loss or the counseling I did after my divorce or just a shift in the universe. I doubt the latter. So I wanted to blog this morning and throw this out to you. Have you ever srtuggled with thoughts like this? do you still struggle? If not, what changed for you?

I am very much looking forward to your comments this morning!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Sleep Apnea and Weight Loss...

2012-04-03T08:33:00.000-04:00

Yep... that was me (no not literally). I could fall asleep anywhere,
doing anything, even mid sentence sometimes.

I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea in the summer of 2004 by my mom, of all people lol. She had already been diagnosed with her sleep apnea and was sleeping better with the use of her CPAP. One morning I went up into her room to talk to her about something and I remember, she was sitting at the desk on the computer chair in her room and I flopped on her bed... Somewhere mid convo, I fell asleep (as I always did when my apnea was at it's worst). When I woke up maybe 5 minutes later my mom was sitting there staring at me (kinda creepy - love you mom) and she said to me, "Rach, you have sleep apnea. I want you to make an appointment with the pulmonologist and go for a sleep study."

I was so upset... The idea of having to sleep with that mask and look like Darth Vader every night was unfathomable, but at the same time I remember feeling relieved that this almost narcoleptic behavior I was exhibiting may stop! After all, I had already fallen asleep behind the wheel twice, both times with other people in the car. The first time I almost hit an 18 wheeler and the second time I was woken up by flashing police lights pulling me over for switching lanes without signaling.

So I went for my sleep study and sure enough, as much as any child HATES admitting their parents are right, my mom was right. The second sleep study was my fitting for my mask and CPAP setting. I think that night was the best night of sleep I have ever had! I start sleeping with my new CPAP...

Fast forward.... June of 2011, right after my separation, I decided I didn't want to wear my CPAP anymore. There were many reasons for this decision. The two main ones were...

It was always a thing in my marriage that my ex-husband would kiss me good night and put my mask on before we went to sleep and I just couldn't wear it because every night I put it on myself I'd fall asleep crying thinking about him...
I was going to start dating again... Who the hell would want to sleep next to Darth Vader... Oh yea because that's uber SEXAY!! NOT! I wasn't doin' that sorry....

The first couple of months were great. I was awake and feeling great and had a ton of energy. I felt a new freedom from sleeping with the machine on my face every night. Then I bought a new fitbit... It was all downhill from there...
You guys remember my fitnit... Awesome tool and the new version comes with a step counter! Check out my review here.

I started tracking my sleep with the fitbit and here is what I found... Out of the 6 hours and 9 minutes I was "asleep" I only got 3 hours and 6 minutes of ACTUAL SLEEP!!!!

Ugh, guess that means I still need my machine after all... I fought the idea for another few months until other things started happening...

First, I started getting tired again. I would fall asleep when hanging out with my friends. Then, I started to notice no matter how much I slept I never felt rested. Then I started working... My new schedule was enough to push me over the edge. I fell asleep at work!

There was one more thing I noticed. I was no longer losing weight? Could the two be correlated?

Lose weight while you sleep. It sounds like something you'd hear on a late night infomercial -- just around the time you are reaching for that bag of cookies because, well, you can't sleep.

But as wild as the idea sounds, substantial medical evidence suggests some fascinating links between sleep and weight. Researchers say that how much you sleep and quite possibility the quality of your sleep may silently orchestrate a symphony of hormonal activity tied to your appetite.

In fact, have you ever experienced a sleepless night followed by a day when no matter what you ate you never felt full or satisfied? If so, then you have experienced the workings of leptin and ghrelin.

But Pixie, you had a VERTICAL SLEEVE GASTRECTOMY... You don't have Ghrelin anymore!?! Nope sorry my friends... Here is where you are wrong. Although the main producer of Ghrelin is in the cells lining the fundus of the human stomach and epsilon cells of the pancreas (Which I HAVE had removed), ghrelin is also produced in low levels in the pituitary gland, which I still have!

Interesting side fact I found while doing some research... In fetuses, it seems that ghrelin is produced early by the lung and promotes growth.

Leptin and ghrelin work in a kind of "checks and balances" system to control feelings of hunger and fullness, explains Michael Breus, PhD, a faculty member of the Atlanta School of Sleep Medicine and director of The Sleep Disorders Centers of Southeastern Lung Care in Atlanta. Ghrelin, which is produced in the gastrointestinal tract, stimulates appetite, while leptin, produced in fat cells, sends a signal to the brain when you are full.

So what's the connection to sleep? "When you don't get enough sleep, it drives leptin levels down, which means you don't feel as satisfied after you eat. Lack of sleep also causes ghrelin levels to rise, which means your appetite is stimulated, so you want more food," Breus tells WebMD.

I finally decided to start using my CPAP again... New problem, My new skinny face was too small for my face mask... In order to avoid leaks I was wearing my mask way to tight and I was waking up every morning in pain with horrible marks on my face. The skin on my nose was broken. Even though I was losing weight again... The pain was enough to make me stopped wearing my CPAP again.

Nasal Pillow

The guy I have been dating, who also happens to work for a respiratory supply company, did a little research for me and he found my answer! He told me to purchase a Nasal Pillow. They are little gel cusions that you place over your nose under your mask the prevent breakage of the skin. They can be purchased online in pink or blue for $17 plus tax and shipping. I bought one immediately and it has been a life saver! It makes my face mask much more comfortable and my nose is all healed. I no longer wake up in pain and I feel much more rested in the morning. I am going to track my sleep with my CPAP this week and I will keep you updated! I hope some of you find this helpful if you are struggling like I was.

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

I'm Not Done... I'm Back!

2012-03-30T08:49:00.000-04:00

It has been just shy of 8 months since my last post to this blog. To all my former avid readers, I am sorry to have neglected you for so long. I have been yelled at time and time again to start blogging again... For a long time, I just couldn't. There was nothing to say. Ok, well, that's not exactly true. There were/are a lot of things to say but I just couldn't get up the courage to say them.

As most of you know, I am recently divorced. My ex walked out on our marriage in mid June 2011. Boy have I learned a lot since! I have learned things about me. I have learned things about life and relationships and all I can say is WOW! It's a scary world out there when you have to face it alone.

I will give you a short update on me in the last few months... Since the separation... I have lost 45lbs. I am currently holding steady at 215lbs, -176lbs since I started my WLS journey. I would love to see 199 sometime this year but my body seems to want to stay in "shape-shifter" mode (stall) and not return to "lets lose some pounds" mode. I have to say, if I never lose another pound, my surgery was a success! I have surpassed every goal I have set for myself when I started this journey and therefore I am happy :)

I have also started dating. That is a whole post in and of itself. I wont even bother here. Like I said before, it's a scary world out there. I will say now though, the whole concept of dating was very very foreign to me. After being with someone for 7 years, going to meet another man makes you feel like you are in the twilight zone the first few times.

In other areas of my life, I am still in private practice loving every moment of it. Nothing gives me more joy then my work. I don't even consider it work. When you love what you do you just get up in the morning and enjoy life.

I have also developed a serious love fore shoes now that I can walk pretty comfortably in heels. Oh and clothes... A whole new world of clothes has opened up to me. I can now shop in regular stores and fit it their clothes! I have been expanding my list of stores very slowly. I started with New York and Company. I think I am now up to 5 or 6 "normal stores" I have shopped at. Every new store brings a new sort of anxiety. When all you have is Lane Bryant and Avenue you learn how to shop. You know the layout of the store and possibly every single Avenue and Lane Bryant in your 20 mile radius. But hey... who said all these changes were gonna be easy right?

I am gonna try this blogging thing again... I have lots of things to share with you... So for now here is my update and pledge to start again... to lots of new beginnings... CHEERS!

xoxo
SleevePixie

Fat Floats...

2011-07-13T18:28:00.000-04:00

Three summers ago when I finally learned how to swim, I remember my friend telling me that she knew I wouldn't drown because I was fat and fat floats. Low and behold... she was right... Now from where I stand today, 140lbs lighter I must say I don't float quite as easily as I used to but the term has taken on a WHOLE NEW meaning for me.

Many of you know and some of you don't, I am divorced. Happened yesterday. I am still civilly married but according to G-d and Jewish law I am single. So my husband is my ex husband now. I have had the most wonderful friends around me. Supportive and caring and kind. I couldn't ask for a better group of friends. In this process of healing from the shock of the separation six weeks ago to the jew-vorce, as I call it, yesterday I have began to look at my methods of coping with the quickness and the pain of it all. I have to say, not so great... but I did realize one thing,. fat floats!

Have you ever heard the expression, "Either you sink or swim!" Well, I have heard it more than once in the last week. My response has always been, "I don't sink. Fat floats!" Two days ago I came to the realization that the quote is not sink or FLOAT... the quote is sink or SWIM. I have just been floating. When we first separated, I reunited with my old friend food. I gained 5lbs in the week I was in Florida alone. Then I quickly realized what I was doing and took the five pounds off the week I got home plus another 4lbs the week after that. Then fourth of July weekend rolled around. Let's just say it was a rough weekend for me. I drank wayyy too much. Tuesday morning I woke up and realized that was not such a great way to cope with the divorce either. I spent the week feeling alone and empty, not eating anything, not drinking at all except for my morning coffee, not going out... just going through the motions I guess.

Saturday morning, I found my way to a bariatric support group and laid it all out on the table. I shared about my divorce, my poor coping methods over the last three weeks and my new found fear of gaining my weight back and losing everything I have worked so hard for. I told the group I knew I was off kilter and needed to find my balance again.

Around mid week I decided that I need help and started therapy again. Of course I should have known better and gotten that help weeks ago but I have to say I have not been in my right mind. I have since seen my therapist twice and she has helped me realize that this divorce is a new beginning for me and that I am strong and will be ok. We have talked about my fears and doubts and hurt. We have talked about better ways to cope and she has helped me understand that it is ok to be vulnerable and it is ok to cry and be upset and that those feelings don't have to be kept bottled up inside.

So now that I am back on track and much more centered than I was a week ago, I will no longer tell you that fat floats. Even though its true, I refuse to be stagnant and floating. I refuse to be fatter than I am. I WILL SWIM. I will move forward and be ok. Maybe not today or tomorrow but I know I will never ever allow myself to sink. I wish you, my friends who are going through a divorce/breakup etc that you find happiness within yourself and the will to keep swimming.

I'd like to leave with a few ideas and a short disclaimer before I go...
Some positive ways to cope with a divorce...

Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. They will be your anchor til you can stand again.
Allow yourself to grieve. I went through the stages of grief almost daily. It's normal and healthy.
Get out in the sun. The vitamin D is good for you and makes you happy! I sit out every day!
Go to therapy! Support groups are great but a good therapist can be a true life saver!
Go for walks or drives by yourself or find a place where you feel safe crying and really feeling whatever it is you have to feel. It is ok!
Find something to smile at every day. A smile can change everything!

Finally... the disclaimer... It is a well known fact that I work in this community and I am aware sharing all of this may have ramifications but that's ok. If I can help even one person to realize there are better ways to cope than food and alcohol than this post has served its purpose. :)

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

ASMBS 2011 - Day 1

2011-06-12T22:09:00.001-04:00

So here I am... ASMBS!!! I have wanted to attend the ASMBS conference for three years now! I remember learning that anyone who was anyone in the Bariatric Community goes to ASMBS and I wanted to go too!

I didn't sleep last night because we all know I am a procrastinator. I was awake packing and had to make a run tot he office to put the finishing touches on a presentation for a perspective employer :-) I got to the airport at 4:15 in the am. JFK, terminal 5, Jetblue! The ONLY way to fly! On the plane by 5:45am and passed out before the plane even took off. I woke up about 20 minutes before we landed. Thank goodness for those two hours of sleep. Landed in Sunny beautiful Orlando, FL at 8:45am, picked up my rental car and headed for the hotel.

I was hunting for a Starbucks but there was no one to be found... Orlando, for a touristy town is definitely lacking in the Starbucks department! Made it to the hotel, changed and ran out to take the 30 minute drive tot he Gaylord Palms Conference center in Kissimmee, FL. This place is HUGE!!!! It's also gorgeous!!! I parked my rent-a-compact and headed in to find the registration booth.

I had an hour before my first class so I grabbed some ASMBS sponsored lunch! Dear ASMBS, thank you so very much for ensuring that I eat at least one meal a day because the cost of your conference has me wiped!

Onto my first class... Masters in Behavioral Health Part One... The Pre-op Eval. I totally thought this was going to be like a psych or social work class I took in school. Boy was I wrong. 3 Abstracts... All talking about using various psychological scales during the pre-op eval.

Abstract 1.
Construct Validity and Clinical Utility of the MMPI-2-RF Among Bariatric Surgery Candidates.
By: Anthony Tarescavage
While I was able to follow this abstract, Anthony spoke very fast and zipped through his slides. Once he started talking about Standard Deviation I have to admit my mind kinda zoned out. I tried to be there I really did but I am not a fan of research. I don't mind gathering data but once it comes time to analyze it... That's just not my strength. The basic jist of the talk (at least what I got from it, is that the MMPI-2-RF is a restructured clinical scale which encompasses 51 different scales in 338 questions. Each of these 338 items are taking from the original MMPI 2 which is initially over 500 questions. I think he was trying to say that the data showed a positive correlation between certain items and either a positive or negative outcome post-operatively. To be honest, I personally didn't feel that the data presented was conclusive enough to show positive correlation between the MMPI 2 RF and post-op outcomes. But then again perhaps I was just too zoned out to get it.

Abstract 2.
Differences in Psychological Profiles of Sugar Cravers.
By: Kerry B. Ferguson
The basic premise here was that many patients pre-op, self reported during their psych eval that they were Sugar Cravers. Such scales were used as the Carb Addiction Scale and the BDI (depression scale) and the results showed that 75% of sleeve and bypass patients self reported that after surgery their cravings for sugar disappeared. There was also a positive correlation between Depression and Sugar Cravings. I personally don't think enough research was done here. The presenter neglected to provide a clear and universal definition of what a Sugar Craver is, so therefore there is really no baseline from which to measure. I think there is much more to be discovered here.

Abstract 3.
SCL-90R Profiles and Weight Loss Outcomes Among Bariatric Surgery Candidates.
By: Kathleen Ashton
Yet another talk on the benefits of using certain psychological scales to predict outcome of a bariatric surgery candidate. The findings here stated that Patients with a positive clinical profile lost 9% less than their negative clinical profiled peers. This was prob one of the most well thought out and interesting of the abstracts with regard to the psychological scales being used as a predictor for post-operative weight loss outcome.

These three abstracts led to a very interesting discussion about the place of mental health professionals and the pre-op psych eval in pre-op patient care. There seems to be an unspoken yet widely accepted belief that Mental Health professionals are supposed to be able to predict, based on the evaluation, and tell the surgeon, if a particular patient is "good candidate" for bariatric surgery. The unspoken agreement is that a good candidate is one who will comply with the rules, and lose and maintain a certain percentage of their excess weight. Not for nothing, I can't tell you that! No one can. We can give our best guess but really it's a 50/50 shot. Either the patient will or wont. I think the mental health professionals in this field along with the ASMBS need to change the way the pre-op psych eval is viewed. Instead of it being a predictive factor, perhaps we can view it as more of an intake in which we use psychological scales to best gauge a post-op treatment plan for each individual patient. I think we need to require as part of a patients complete treatment of obesity, that patients have 6 sessions of therapy after bariatric surgery and more if needed. As one surgeon got up and said during this discussion, his patients who have severe and persistent mental illnesses like schizophrenia, who engage in regular weekly therapy and medication management are some of his most successful and compliant patients. GO FIGURE! What do you think? Do you think we should try to predict outcomes or help patients attain the outcomes they desire? What changes would you make?

The discussion turned to billing codes for all of these psych evals and I left. I cannot and do not accept insurance and listening to the fees some of these folks charge makes me feel like I am selling myself short.

So I went to hang out at the OAC booth with my good friend Jeff Haaga! Have you all joined the Obesity Action Coalition yet? They are having a half price membership sale here at ASMBS and raffling off 3 Apple TVs! I personally hold 2 memberships to the OAC. a regular membership and a professional one. I spoke to Jeff about more ways I could get involved. After his release from booth duty and we sold a few memberships, I joined him for dinner to discuss some new possibilities for me. I have been invited to join a committee within the OAC. I have a few choices to consider. Once I know more I will fill you all in :-)

After dinner, I headed over to Beth and Andrea's hotel to say a quick hello and girlie banter a bit. On the way back to my hotel, I finally found me a Starbucks!!! Woohoo! Got my iced latte and headed back tot he hotel. Long day... but well worth it! I am looking forward to sharing tomorrows sessions with you and all of the extra curricular invite only parties and cocktail hours! Tomorrow night is the OAC's member only party. I look forward to meeting the board members and those that make the OAC tick.

'til tomorrow friends,
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Endorse The Obesity Action Coalition!!!

2011-06-08T20:08:00.000-04:00

The OAC needs your help! As some of you may have seen on my Facebook or Twitter Pages, The OAC is participating in a Facebook contest for nonprofits sponsored by Vivint. This is a great opportunity for the OAC because the grand prize, going to the nonprofit who receives the most overall votes, is $250,000!

Right now, Phase 1 of the contest is taking place and will come to a close on June 11. At that time, the top 20 nonprofits from each region (there are five different regions and we are part of the Eastern region) will advance to Phase 2. The top 20 nonprofits from each region will be announced on June 14 and then voting will resume. As of today, the OAC is close but not yet in the top 20 for our region. Right now the OAC is number 21!!

reaching out to you to help the OAC advance in this contest. All we are asking is that you vote for the Obesity Action Coalition and that you share this contest with all your followers on Facebook. This contest allows individuals to vote for one charity, once a day, every day, by signing in with their Facebook account. You can vote for the OAC by visiting this Web site: http://www.vivint.com/givesbackproject/charity/233.

You place your vote by clicking the “endorse” button. Right above that button is a message that says “I just endorsed Obesity Action Coalition on the Vivint Gives Back Project. Vivint is giving away $1.25 million dollars to local charities and I want Obesity Action Coalition to win.” If you click yes, this message will then be displayed on your Facebook for all your Facebook Friends to see. If possible, the OAC asks that you share this link on your Facebook so we can get the word out to as many people as possible.

With everyone’s help and support, we believe we can win this contest and use the money to continue helping those affected by obesity through education, advocacy and support.

Thank you for your help.

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

I AM an ENFP

2011-06-02T13:27:00.000-04:00

I have been doing a lot of research on the Meyer Briggs Personality types for a workshop I am working on. I became interested when I learned about my own personality type which is ENFP (Extroverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving). If you want to know more about people like me... read the description of an ENFP below. It is literally me down to a T!! Amazing!!!

Extroverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
by Marina Margaret Heiss
Profile: ENFP

ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of a cosmic whole. They want to both help and to be liked and admired by other people, on both an individual and a humanitarian level. This is rarely a problem for the ENFP, as they are outgoing and warm, and genuinely like people. Some ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality.

ENFPs often have strong, if sometimes surprising, values and viewpoints. They tend to try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade others gently (though enthusiastically) of the rightness of these views; this sometimes results in the ENFP neglecting their nearest and dearest while caught up their efforts to change the world.

ENFPs can be the warmest, kindest, and most sympathetic of mates; affectionate, demonstrative, and spontaneous. Many in relationships with an ENFP literally say, "They light up my life." But there is usually a trade-off: the partner must be willing to deal with the practical and financial aspects of the relationship, and the ENFP must be allowed the freedom to follow their latest path, whatever that entails.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

For some ENFPs, relationships can be seriously tested by their short attention spans and emotional needs. They are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting their older and more familiar emotional ties for long stretches at a time. And the less mature ENFP may need to feel they’re the constant center of attention, to confirm their image of themselves as a wonderful and fascinating person.

In the workplace, ENFPs are pleasant and friendly, and interact in a positive and creative manner with both their co-workers and the public. ENFPs are also a major asset in brainstorming sessions; follow-through on projects can be a problem, however. ENFPs do get distracted, especially if another interesting issue comes along. They also tend towards procrastination, and dislike performing small, uninteresting tasks. ENFPs are most productive when working in a group with a few Js to handle the details and the deadlines.

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
by Joe Butt
Profile: ENFP

ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Som etimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.

One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting.

ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.

ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?")

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone , especially on a regular basis.

One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.

ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.

If you want to find out more about your Personality... Take the test here! I only ask that you come back tell me what your 4 letter type is and if the reports on your personality type are accurate about you!

xoxo,

Sleeve Pixie

Why Do I Write...

2011-05-29T07:16:00.000-04:00

Wow... ok, so I was tagged on a twitter post and someone asked me "why do I write?"

(Our mission: Ladies please tell us in a post, Why You Write? Please also tag 5 others and offer them 3 pearls of wisdom for other writers/bloggers.)

So let's get down to it... I will start off by saying, I began this blog because my very good friend Beth Sheldon Badore, best known as Melting Mama, told me to. She said I need to start blogging. I had been toying with the idea but it was her push that made me actually do it.

Now that I have started blogging, although I don't do it consistently, I keep it going for many many reasons.

Therapy: It eases my mind and helps me to let go of what is weighing heavily in my heart. While I don't always put it all out there, this blog definitely serves as a form of catharsis when I need it to.

Support: Isn't it nice to know you're not alone? There have been times I have sat down to blog and I will get a reply saying... "OMG I sooo needed this today! Thank You!" To everyone of you who has ever sent one of "those" messages, just know there is strength is numbers! If I feel "that way" and so do you, chances are pretty good so do others!

Shameless self promotion: Yep I said it. I sometimes blog so that people will oooh and ahh with me and at me. Everyone deserves an ego boost! I sometimes blog to promote my practice. I am currently accepting appointments by the way for both my live and virtual couch! I sometimes blog to promote others too. The OAC mostly falls into this category. I have also promoted events for Obesity Help and my surgeon.

I write to get information and give information. I write to help you see things in a new light. A re-vision of your own. Perhaps about body image, or the infamous "food addiction". I write about good things and not such great things, ups and downs. I write for you and I write for me. Ok now I am starting to sound like a Dr. Seuss book.

So now I am supposed to give you three pearls of wisdom...

Be honest
Be yourself
Be passionate

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

The Moment I have Been Waiting For!!!

2011-05-27T09:58:00.001-04:00

My weight His Weight

The day has finally arrived! After 7+ years of being together and 3.5 years post my first Weight Loss Surgery, I FINALLY WEIGH LESS THAN THE MISTER!!

I can't describe this feeling. It's amazing! I feel feminine and beautiful and SMALL. It feels like a sense of order has been restored or brought into my world. Today is a super happy day! What makes your day today happy?

xoxo,

Sleeve Pixie

I'm No Beauty Queen, I'm Just Beautiful ME!

2011-05-23T21:32:00.000-04:00

"You made me insecure
Told me I wasn't good enough
But who are you to judge
When you're a diamond in the rough
I'm sure you got some things
You'd like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
I wouldn't want to be anybody else

It's such a funny thing
How nothing's funny when it's you
You tell 'em what you mean
But they keep whiting out the truth"

~Selena Gomez

(Who Says)

The last two weeks, I have learned so much. Things about me, things I need to change or work on. Hey, no one is perfect right? I am always open to constructive criticism. I am and have always been open and honest with myself and others, perhaps to a fault. Perhaps I have given over too much, trusted too freely. I have to start treating myself like one of my patients.... the strictest of confidentiality.

I have learned of deception, lies and backstabbing within this community. It makes me sad. But in the last few days, it has really hit home! Two weeks ago, it all started, a miscommunication, a misconception between friends. That's over now and someone else has used the fuel from it's fire. Some one close. THAT hurts.

Careers have been affected. My career has been affected. Some of my friends have been hit, HARD! It's just not fair. I feel like I am between a rock and hard place personally. Here I am... a professional, a social worker, a helper and a post-op, but what I am even more so than all of those things put together is HUMAN. A young human at that.

Someone, I don't know who, sent an anonymous e-mail to my surgeon telling him he should look at my personal facebook. He looked. The whole office saw and he came to me about it. I have never been so mortified in my entire life! My private life, out there in the open now forever mixed in with my professional life. I feel betrayed. My facebook profile is on lock down. NO ONE can see it if they are not friends with me. I made the mistake of letting in one of his staff members. So what was so horrible that I did, that he saw...

He saw a check-in to Applebee's restaurant in which I proclaimed I'd be having a margarita. He saw two pictures that I was tagged in of me being silly with my girlfriends who came in from out of town to see me and attend a WLS event. He saw me say I had bought a shot glass in the airport in Vegas. I have been collecting shot glasses with my husband since our honeymoon. He may have even seen my pictures from my week in Las Vegas. One in particular where I had a drink in each hand (one of which was not mine) in front of the Treasure Island Hotel. Perhaps he saw the picture I took in front of Margaritaville. Yep, it has been a running joke between my friends that tequila is my drink of choice. They post pics and videos and all sorts of silly things. Lastly, he may have seen the check in at serendipity in which my caption was, "I think I found my dumping ground!" I was in Vegas for a post-op meet and greet. All of this happened after the meet and greet with a post-op friend of mine. I didn't even walk into Serendipity because I knew there was nothing for me there and yes I punned off of "dumping syndrome" on my caption. So what really did my surgeon see. He saw me enjoying my life as a 20-something. Having a drink with some girlfriends and being a normal 26 year old.

What he didn't see... I walked the Las Vegas strip 4 times in two days. That is 2.5 miles each way. I walked the Vegas Strip 4 times without being in pain, without having to stop and catch my breath, without asking my friends to slow down and wait for me. What he didn't see is I rode the roller coaster at the New York, New York hotel! He didn't comment on the fact that I wrote in sheer excitement that I FIT into a roller coaster for the first time in over 10 years! He didn't see the posts stating I walked over 12,000 steps almost every day I was in Vegas. He didn't see all the amazing things that I take to be a gift he gave me when he performed my surgery 7 months ago. That man gave me my 20s back and all he saw was the things I did that may not align with perfect post-op values or perfect professionalism.

I will be 26 years old on June 2. I am a normal 26 year old who enjoys going out and being 26. I have a drink or two once in a while. I have fun with my girl friends on occasion. I dance like no one is watching. I am confident and I walk like I am worth a million bucks. Why? Because I am! Those of you who know me, know I am not conceited at all. Many tell me I don't think highly enough of myself, especially on a professional level. I suppose that will come with time though.

I LOVE my work. I LOVE this community. I would do anything ANYTHING to better it. But I cannot and will not give up my life for it. I left the conversation mortified. I left feeling attacked and judged. I have been a mess for two days now! I have to let it go. My only hope is that other's both professional and not will be able to see me for who I am and not expect me to be someone else. While I agree that I may need to pull in the reins and may need to not give so much away on facebook, and I will work on that, I truly believe that being a post op is about getting your life back and living it to the fullest. For some that is running a marathon or climbing a mountain or wearing that size or seeing that number on the scale. For me, it's about walking the Vegas Strip 4 times in zero pain.

Thank you for my life back! It is a gift! One I truly cherish!

I hope each one of my readers will take their gift and live their life in a healthy balanced manner and make sure to never let those moments, those NSVs pass you by!

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

I'm Letting Go... Of ME!

2011-05-15T18:07:00.001-04:00

I thought you were my friend.
I thought you were my comfort.
I tried to lean on you.
But you almost took me under.
It's taken all my will.
It's taken all my prayers
To get me here
To get me here from there

I'm getting free at last.
You're nothing but my past.
And im not going back
To how it used to be
When you had your hold on me.
I'm getting free at last.

You know what to say.
You know just how to temp me.
Whenever I give in
All I feel is empty.
I'm tired of hating me
and living with no pride.
I'm letting go of you.
I'm letting go of you.
I'm taking back my life.

I'm getting free at last.
You're nothing but my past.
And im not going back
To how it used to be
When you had your hold on me.
I'm getting free at last.

No more looking in the mirror
At someone I dont recognize.
And now without you
I can see who I am
Who I've always been inside.
~Dan Evans, Letter to My Addiction

We all have addictions in our lives we have let go of or desperately need to let go of. For some its certain foods. For others it may drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping, sex, a friend/partner/family member, work, drama etc etc etc. No matter what you have yourself caught up in, I ask you... Why are you still holding on? What is it about this substance that has you like a fish on a hook. You need it! Want it! Enjoy it! Whatever!!

Some of us hold on because of a physical grip. Withdrawal is never a fun process. Some of us hold on because of an emotional connection to a thing, person or behavior. Some of us hold on because the fear of "the change" is still greater than the pain of the situation. Yet others will hold on because they think it makes them strong. There is this idea or myth even, that there is a strength about seeing the end of a road as opposed to veering off the path. It's just not true!

I read a quote this morning and clearly it's been on my mind... “Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse

This weekend in Vegas has been more than trying for me on many levels. I have had some personal turmoil and I have had to let go of some people in my life. Dear friends, who meant the world to me. While I am devastated on multiple levels this is not what drove me to sit down and blog today.

Today I am struggling with letting go of a part of myself. A part of myself I have grown to know and love. My carefree innocence in a world of professionalism cannot co-exist with my new "grown-up" life. I made a choice a few years ago that when I graduated with my masters and got my license I was going to give back. I was going to use my education to better the lives of other bariatric post-ops. I consider myself to be on the road to career success. Bare in mind that my definition of success may vary from yours. I am not talking about monetary success. I am a licensed mental health professional. That to me is success!

So here I am. Struggling with wanting to be me. All of me! The good the bad and the ugly. Trying to figure out which parts of me must go and which parts can stay... I will keep you updated as I figure it out :-)

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

A Word on Body Image

2011-05-04T17:11:00.000-04:00

Body image is an issue that comes up often in our community. Frankly, it is something I struggle with in a different way than many men and women in our community. I never knew how big I was. I knew I was wearing big clothes and needed big sturdy chairs, but when I would walk down the street and see a person who in retrospect was probably smaller than me I would think, "I'm not THAT big. Am I?" It wasn't until the night before I started my pre-op liquid diet, a week before the lap band that it all came tumbling down like a ton of bricks. I had asked my husband to take before pictures of me. So I put on a tight pair of sweatpants and a tank top so I could really see what was going on and he snapped a full frontal and side profile shot. When I asked him to see the pics, I nearly died. Who was that humongous woman in the camera. There was NO WAY that was me. Not a chance right? It was me.

This was me at 391 lbs. My heaviest ever.

While this was the image the camera was showing me that night...

This was the image I was expecting to see in the camera... size wise anyways.

Me at 350lbs

So now here I am 273.5 lbs as per my 6 month surgeon checkup today. Skin is starting to hang, I have scars from 3 surgeries and I have an opportunity to be really down in the dumps about myself. I my back fat is starting to hang, my boobs are deflating... Ok... you get the picture. I LOVE MY BODY! Yep, I said it... LOVE! I can stand in front of the mirror frontways, sideways and I will tell you what I see.

My butt looks fabulous!
my body has a shape that is curvy but sexy and I no longer look like a beached whale.
I look good in clothes.
My legs are starting to form shape.
My arms have a muscle or two. I am not even bothered by that hanging skin below the line that defines my muscle because three years ago that arm was solid filled out fat!

Do I see the scars, heck yea! do I see the skin and the imperfections... OF COURSE! I am a woman after all lol but they don't bother me. It is all about perception ladies (and men... guys have this drama too)! When I had my lap band surgery my husband said, "Hunny, you could use wheat germ oil and those scars will go away." To which I replied, "HELL NO! Those scars are my battle wounds! One day I will be able to tell my babies that all these scars and hanging skin were so I could hold them in my arms!" I still feel that way two surgeries later. My inner thighs may look like a sharpei dog one day, but I did it all to have a family. There is no such thing as a perfect body. Everyone has a mark or imperfection they wish they didn't have or something that makes them a little self conscious. We imposed these imperfections on ourselves! Ladies, would you EVER say you wish you didn't have children because now you have stretch marks? My guess is HECK NO! Take a moment today to remember why you had your surgery. Then go get naked and stand in front a mirror and love those battle wounds! Take pride in those imperfections! Maybe you are lucky enough to have the money for plastics, but guess what, that leaves scars. BIG ONES! Everything is a trade off.

Stand in front of the mirror today and only give yourself positive messages. You may not believe those messages today or tomorrow but one day you will be able to see yourself as beautiful. I see you as beautiful!!

Love yourself today!

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

OAC Walk Complete!

2011-04-30T19:36:00.003-04:00

DSC_1633 a video by bethography - melting mama on Flickr.

Beth and I had a little too much fun with Hula's and things after we walked our walk and talked the talk. The OAC and ASMBS raised over $10,000!!! WOOHOO!!! Great Job team Melting Mama for being the top fundraiser!

Free Therapy!!

2011-04-27T05:43:00.000-04:00

Be forewarned, I am going to use my blog for a minute to promote myself... but hey it's my blog so I can do that right? But I am also going to offer you something, so KEEP READING!

Have you ever been to a therapist?

I have! I grew up in a therapist's office. Perhaps that's why I decided o become one. We are such a complex community. We have addictions both primary and transfer. We may have experienced sexual abuse, compulsive behaviors, emotional abuse etc etc etc.

Wouldn't it be nice to not allow your past to dictate your future? HELL YEA!

I am a huge fan of therapy. The benefits can be life changing. I felt this way before I was licensed you should know lol. I know so many of you think therapy is expensive as hell and huge waste of your time and money. Well I want to change your mind! Let's talk!

Reach out to me! I will talk to you... For FREE! It's not all about the money for some of us. I promise. Granted, I have to make a living somehow but I am willing to try and change your mind. Lets have a convo. No strings attached, no paper work filled out. Just person to person. You and Me.

If you decide you like me and wanna keep talking to me great! We can talk pricing then. If you decide you want to talk to someone else GREAT! At least your talking to someone! If you decide therapy is not for you, I can understand and respect that too. But give it a try!

Send me an e-mail and lets set it up! I want to help you! I have a live office in Baldwin, NY and a virtual office that is good anywhere!

I want to make you an offer you can't resist... For everyone who sets up an appointment with me, the free, lets chat kind, I will throw all of your names into a pool and offer someone 3 months of FREE Therapy!! 1 FULL hour every week for 3 months!

xoxo
Sleeve Pixie
SleevePixie@gmail.com

Is Food Really the WORST Addiction?

2011-04-26T19:53:00.001-04:00

Before I start writing, I have to say that I have been thinking this over for a few days now, pondering whether or not I should even make this post. Someone of you will not like hearing this, but you know what? That's ok!

There has been a lot of talk in the recent weeks about this concept of "food addiction". The peak of the discussion was when Dr. Robin Blackstone, the upcoming President Elect of the American Society of Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery (ASMBS), pronounced, out loud to a room of 20+ bariatric bloggers that there is no such thing as FOOD ADDICTION!

Yep you heard it right... NO SUCH THING AS FOOD ADDICTION.

Now of course me with my big mouth was the first to get up and refute her statement. I am a food addict so how can you tell me there is no such thing! There is medical EVIDENCE and even RESEARCH out there Dr. Blackstone! If you have any interest in that research, you can find it on a previous blog post here.

The truth of the matter is this... She was right! Yep, I said it. Dr. Blackstone was right! I will explain why in just a moment.

Then there is another point, the actual reason I sat down to write this post. If I had a penny for every time I heard a weight loss surgery patient say to a social worker, doctor etc etc, "You don't understand! We have the worst addiction of all! An alcoholic CAN CHOOSE to never drink again, a crackhead CAN CHOOSE to put down the pipe but we HAVE TO EAT every single day! MORE THAN ONCE A DAY!"

Here lies my issue. This is the reason I am writing this post without caring what you think of me afterwards. We NEED to change this mentality. We NEED to get off of denial highway. We need to stop using this thought process as a way to rationalize our compulsive eating behaviors/habits.

The reason I say I agree with Dr. Blackstone is this... When was the last time you met a person who had to have a piece of broccoli every single time they got upset? I don't know a single one and I know A LOT of self proclaimed "food addicts"! If you read any of the research on food addiction or even my last blog post on food addiction which breaks down the bodies addiction to CERTAIN types of food then you see where I am going with this.

SUGAR, SIMPLE CARBOHYDRATES and CHOCOLATE are the only three food types that cause any type of physical addiction. Think of the foods that you tend to run to when you need a fix? Donuts, bread, candy, chocolate... right?

Therefore... the appropriate term would not be FOOD addict, but Sugar Addict or Carb Addict or Chocolate Addict. Maybe you are one of the above or perhaps you have a poly substance dependency issue.

Now that you have realized you are not addicted to FOOD but only certain types of food, the same rules, as all other addictions apply.

You CAN CHOOSE to abstain, for the rest of your life, from chocolate, sugar and simple carbs. It's not easy by any means whatsoever but if you ask an alcoholic if it's easy to abstain from booze, I am willing to bet money that you will find you both have similar feelings about your situations.

Our worlds revolve around food, all the bad foods in the world. All the ones we are physically addicted to, but guess what... the alcoholics world, before he hit his rock bottom and decided to stop drinking, also revolved around his addiction. They say, people places and things... Gotta change em. An alcoholic can't hang out at the bar anymore and you, the sugar/carb/chocolate addict can't hang out in the cupcakery!

So when you are ready to beat this thing, there are groups out there that can help you. We may not be able to step into a local rehab for detox but there are ranches if you can afford it. There are therapists, 12 step meetings and bariatric support groups that can help you. Below are some resources.

Food Addicts Anonymous
Overeater's Anonymous
Bariatric Support Groups
Rachel's Comfy Couch
Mind Body Health Services
Stein Wellness

Please know, you may not succeed at first and relapse is part of recovery. In order for a baby to learn to walk, it must fall a few times to build up the necessary leg muscles to walk. Recovery is possible!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Is Food an Addiction?

2011-04-24T11:32:00.000-04:00

The Diagnostics and Statistical Manual (DSM IV-tr) lists a few levels of what we have come to know as addiction. Substance ABUSE and DEPENDENCY…

The criteria for substance abuse as listed in the DSM IV-tr is...

A maladaptive pattern of abuse leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by one or more of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:

Recurrent use resulting in failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home.
Recurrent use in situations in which it is physically hazardous.
Recurrent related legal problems.
Continued use despite persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of the substance.
These symptoms must never have met the criteria for substance dependence.

Ok so I can easily stretch food to fit into the above description of substance abuse… I say STRETCH because realistically, most of these wont happen to a foodie. Perhaps we may meet the criteria in Number 4 but I am willing to bet that most if not ALL of us can cancel out Food ABUSE because we meet the Criteria for dependence.

The criterion for Substance DEPENDENCE however, I don’t need to stretch at all to fit. The criteria for substance dependence as listed in the DSM IV-tr is...

A maladaptive pattern of use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three or more of the following seven criteria, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

A need for markedly increased amounts to achieve intoxication or desired effect. (check)
Markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of substance. (When I was little I ate a cookie, pre-op I ate a whole damn box!)

Withdrawal, as defined by either of the following:

The characteristic withdrawal syndrome… Substance is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms. (Check: I know I am a bitch when carb detoxing and even worse when sugar detoxing)

Substance is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended. (Check)
There is a persistent desire or there are unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control substance use. (CHECK!! Every failed diet in the last 15 yrs!)
A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain substance, use substance or recover from its effects. (Check! How many of us have spent countless hours thinking about whats for lunch, where we are going to go out to eat, what we will eat when we get there and how we will burn off the meal afterwards)
Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of substance use. (Check: I know I didn't want to be seen at certain social functions at 391lbs. The clothing selection was limited, what would people think, would I be able to walk there from the car etc... etc…)
Substance use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance (Check! So many of us continue our negative eating patterns knowing we may die from our high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes etc etc)

Ok so just saying, to qualify as substance dependence, you need 3!!! I got ALL 7!!!! How many did you get??

**The criteria above was taken word for word as the criterion for Alcohol.

So are you convinced yet that food is an addiction? No of course you aren't! You want the SCIENTIFIC PROOF! Ok Ok. As always I come prepared! I am sure you have heard me rant about this before. Research shows that carbohydrates and sugar react with the same neuron receptors as OPIATES! Opiates are drugs like:

Opium
Morphine
Codeine
Heroin

Don't believe me... read it for yourself HERE and HERE. And here are a few quotes from a a few studies I have used in the past. I cannot link to because I got it through my Adelphi Library. But you can find the study if you would like to pay for it.

Research done by Bruinsma and Taren (1999), shows that, chocolate may evoke similar psychopharmacologic and behavioral reactions in susceptible persons as opiates. A review of the literature on chocolate cravings indicates that the hedonic appeal of chocolate (fat, sugar, texture, and aroma) is likely to be a predominant factor in such cravings. Other characteristics of chocolate, however, may be equally as important contributors to the phenomena of chocolate cravings. Chocolate may be used by some as a form of self-medication for dietary deficiencies (eg, magnesium) or to balance low levels of neurotransmitters involved in the regulation of mood, food intake, and compulsive behaviors (eg, serotonin and dopamine). Chocolate cravings are often episodic and fluctuate with hormonal changes just before and during the menses, which suggests a hormonal link and confirms the assumed gender-specific nature of chocolate cravings. (p. 1249) Another interesting finding on Chocolate suggests that addiction for chocolate may stem from the same receptors in the brain as opiates. Naloxone, found in chocolate attaches to opiate receptors in the brain. “Endogenous opiates, are involved in drug addictions and are responsible for the body's response to pleasure, stress, and pain. A study investigating this hypothesis found that infusions into rats of the opiate antagonist naloxone diminished taste preferences for high-fat and sweet foods and selectively suppressed consumption of these foods; in contrast, rats infused with morphine, an opiate agonist, increased their fat intake.”

** Bruinsma, K., & Taren, D. L. (1999). Chocolate: Food or Drug? Journal of the American Dietetic Association, 9

Avena, Rada, and Hoebe (2008), shows that intermittent sugar access also acts by way of opioids in the brain. There are changes in opioid systems such as decreased enkephalin mRNA expression in the accumbens. Signs of withdrawal seem to be largely due to the opioid modifications since withdrawal can be obtained with the opioid antagonist naloxone.(p.887)

**Avena, N. M., Rada, P., & Hoebel, B. G. (2008). Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake. Neurosci Biobehav Rev, 32(1), 20-39.

Withdrawal symptoms of opiates include:

Agitation
Anxiety
Muscle aches
Increased tearing
Insomnia
Runny nose
Sweating
Abdominal cramping
Diarrhea
Dilated pupils
Goose bumps
Nausea
Vomiting

Which ones do you get? I get Anxiety and Agitation big time. But I have also had the Muscle Aches and Diarrhea. We are not created equal.

So how about now... I have given you solid evidence and research to back my claim that food IS an addiction... What are your thoughts?

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

Question of the Day! Answer for Some....

2011-04-20T06:23:00.000-04:00

We have all had our ups and downs with Weight Loss Surgery. My question to you today is this... If you knew then, what you know now, would you change anything?

If so, What would you change?

I would change my surgeon. My first one... I wish I had gone to someone who offered more options than the band. I may have chosen differently. But hey, everything happens for a reason right?

Post below and I will send 2 of you Click samples!

Weight Loss Surgery Expo!!

2011-04-19T06:21:00.001-04:00

Join us for the Medical & Surgical Weight Loss Expo!

Free if you pre-register!! Register online at http://www.newyorkbariatrics.com/Expo/
Don't forget to tell them RACHEL LEBOWITZ sent you!!

If you are interested in losing weight, considering weight loss surgery or have had surgery—The Expo is a must attend! Focusing on a total body solution - the presenters, exhibitors and demonstrators include products and services which will help you get on or stay on track for a new and healthier you!

Throughout the day, two seminar tracks will be presented by medical professionals who are dedicated to making a difference in helping New Yorkers with discussions on healthcare issues commonly associated with obesity. Exhibitors will include weight loss products and services, post-operative products, healthcare screenings, fitness and cooking demonstrations and a gala fashion show!

Take Back Your Life. Take Back Your Health.

Register Today! Register online at http://www.newyorkbariatrics.com/Expo/
Don't forget to tell them RACHEL LEBOWITZ sent you!!

50+ Medical Professional Exhibitors
Healthcare Screenings
Cooking Lighter Demonstrations
Fitness Demonstrations
Gala Fashion Show
Nutritional & Weight Loss Exhibitors
Post-Operative Support Exhibitors
Free Weight Loss Product Samples
Prizes, Music & Giveaways and more
ALL DAY EDUCATIONAL SEMINARS BY MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS

Weight Loss Educational Seminars
Weight Loss Surgery and Revisional Seminars
Post-Operative Seminars (including plastic surgery, staying on track)
DON’T MISS LONG ISLAND’S FIRST MEDICAL & SURGICAL WEIGHT LOSS EXPO!

Date: Saturday, May 21, 2011
Place: Uniondale Marriott, Long Island New York
Time: 10.00 AM - 4.00 PM

FREE ADMISSION FOR THOSE WHO REGISTER BEFORE THE EVENT!
Register online at http://www.newyorkbariatrics.com/Expo/
Don't forget to tell them RACHEL LEBOWITZ sent you!!
$5.00 Admission the day of the event.

Have a question on the event? Email us (expoquestion@newyorkbariatrics.com)

For information on exhibiting, please contact Lisa at 516.662.1762 or email
(exhibits@newyorkbariatrics.com)

Happy Passover

2011-04-18T08:17:00.003-04:00

HAPPY PASSOVER!!

For happiness, good health, and cheer — at Passover and throughout the year!

I wanted to let you know I will be away celebrating the first few days of passover in Lancaster, PA. I will be out of touch until Thursday.

LISHANA HAZOT B'YIRUSHALAYIM!!