Baseball Card Bust

Don Aase, 1987 Classic

2012-02-19T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Don Aase
Team: ~~Baltimore~~ Bottommore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A broader definition of "classic"
Key 1986 stat: No bulge
Just for our edification: What makes this a Classic Aase?

A) The mustache, which won the 1986 Facial Hair Cy Young
B) The bulge, which appears to just be pocket change
C) The name, which never gets old
D) The ribbon nameplate and nondescript font, which have been known to cause narcolepsy
E) All of the above

Leo Gomez, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 45)

2012-02-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Leo Gomez
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Third base
Value of card: 2 ounces of oriole droppings
Key 1990 stat: One Kirk Douglas chin
Evening things out: Leo Gomez wasn't a big name, but he sure had a big chin. In Hollywood, this size of chin is revered. In baseball, it can prove detrimental, which it did for Gomez, whose batting average dropped with every millimeter his chin grew. The bigger the hole in his chin, the bigger the hole in his swing. Gomez knew he had to do something. But how to even out the weight from the 12-pound chin constantly pulling on the rest of his face? How about a 12-pound pair of face shields that came with a free squeegee. The glasses Gomez chose were so big they needed a reinforcement bar across the top of the frames. The glasses came with a third, mini lens between the two massive lenses, which each once served as golf cart windshields. And the nose pads? Gomez could have used them as snowshoes in the winter. Despite their size, Gomez wore the glasses during every game. They evened out the weight distribution on his face, counteracting the pull of the action star chin. But his batting average? It stayed so small you could barely see it.

Dan Dierdorf, 1977 Topps NFC All-Pro (Football Friday No. 114)

2012-02-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Dan Dierdorf
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Tackle, On the John
Value of card: It ain't worth two (expletives)
Key 1976 stat: 112 pancake blocks (actually blocks of pancakes, eaten)
It's time for a crappy pop quiz:

What is Dan Dierdorf doing in this photo?

(A) Going to the bathroom.
(B) Pinching a loaf.
(C) Expelling feces.
(D) Dropping a deuce.
(E) Taking a sheez.
(F) Defecating with an ugly look on his face.
(G) Orchestrating a bowel movement.
(H) Imitating his on-air sportscasting for CBS.
(I) All of the above.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Don Money, 1982 Donruss

2012-02-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Don Money
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Third base
Value of card: No money
Key life stat: Born Donald Wayne Brooks
Get ready to groan: On the field, you could always count on Don Money. He routinely cashed in at the plate, and you could bank on him at the hot corner. His arm enabled him to throw cheese to first. He had the skills to pay the bills. But off the field, there was a secret in his vault. He refused to launder his clothing. His odor caused teammates and others to turn green — he smelled like a cross between month-old bread and warm clams. His feelings were tender, and he vowed to change. But in the end, Don Money just couldn't buck who he was: a slob, down to his bones.

Jeremy Hernandez, 1992 Upper Deck

2012-02-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Jeremy Hernandez
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Not nearly enough to buy property in San Diego
Key 1991 stat: 270 curls in mullet
Jeremy Hernandez's train of thought from 3:13 to 3:15 p.m., Feb. 22, 1992: "All right, Upper Deck photo shoot. Let's do this. ... This photographer seems like kind of an a-hole. ... Hey, it's not a mullet! I just haven't had time to get to the barber this year. ... Who is this guy, making fun of my mustache? Sir, I'll have you know I spent all week growing this thing. ... Yeah, actually, this is the most expensive chain I could afford. ... You know what, buddy? If I had grown up with your mother, I wouldn't think much of my chest hair, either. ... That's it. Let's see how funny you think I am after I sneak the Old Number F-U outside the glove for this next shot. Jerk."

Bobby Valentine, 1980 Topps (Valentine's Day Special)

2012-02-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Bobby Valentine
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infield, outfield, manager, bus boy
Value of card: Seven teeth (still bloody)
Key 1979 stat: One lovey-dovey last name
It's Valentine's Day; 10 things Bobby Valentine does on his day:
10) Sits in front of a mirror and brushes his hair for two hours.
9) Blinds children with his teeth.
8) Writes love poems on valentines to women he'll never approach.
7) Draws hearts in places that underwear covers.
6) Studies hard for a second career in managing — a fast-food seafood restaurant.
5) Kisses the girl he loves (causing her to wake up, scream and report a breaking-and-entering).
4) Signs his name over and over again, until the B in his first name looks like boobs.
3) Buys flowers and chocolate. Eats both.
2) Makes up ridiculous names. His newest: Bobby Kwanzaa.
1) Loves himself (huh-huh).

Mike Redmond, 2001 Topps Stadium Club

2012-02-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Mike Redmond
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Imminent doom
Key 2000 stat: Lots of grimacing
Don't get this wrong: What's Mike Redmond about to do?

A) Purchase a first-class ticket on the Pain Train
B) Get a 15-day paid vacation
C) Eat his own catcher's mask
D) Make a spectacular tag, avoid a collision and throw to second for the double play. (Note: This is how he will remember it during his morphine-rich hospital stay.)
E) All of the above

Jeff Brantley, 1993 Upper Deck

2012-02-12T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Jeff Brantley
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Reliever
Value of card: Six Cheez Doodles, dropped on the dugout ground, stepped on
Key 1992 stat: 1,248 hours sitting
10 things Giants manager Roger Craig said during this Jeff Brantley photo shoot:
10) "Somebody turn off the TV in front of Brantley."
9) "You mind warming up, Jeff? That is, if your mullet isn't caught on the back of the chair."
8) "Why even slide on those fancy stirrups this morning?"
7) "Sure, put up your feet. You earned it, pal."
6) "Get out of my seat."
5) "You praying in the dugout or hiding your most shameful asset?"
4) "Make yourself useful and grab me that Diet Pepsi behind you."
3) "Maybe put your hands on just one ball, Brantley — a baseball."
2) "This is definitely not a 'Humm, baby' moment."
1) "No, no, no. Relax, pal. We'll play the baseball."

Bob Welch, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 44)

2012-02-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Bob Welch
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Gift certificate for three minutes of studio time with an idiot photographer
Key 1990 stat: 44 straight minutes of one-ball juggling
Bob Welch's train of thought from 10:13 to 10:14 April 10, 1991: "OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball, Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh!"

Dan Marino, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Football Friday No. 113)

2012-02-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A 4-foot-high pile of palm fronds
Key 1990 stat: 20-minute increments of a cold, steely stare
Time for a sweltering pop quiz:

It's 1991. Just how hot is Dan Marino?

(A) Women want him. Chris Miller wants to be him.
(B) When he puts on Isotoner gloves, women faint, and so does he, from heat stroke.
(C) He turns on Sean Young so much she shows him big ol' Mr. Kannish.
(D) His balls put off steam.
(E) All of the above.

Tom Henke, 1988 Fleer All-Star Team

2012-02-09T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Tom Henke
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Closer
Value of card: Three dead blue jays in a shoebox
Key 1987 stat: Three blue jays shot with a pellet gun, placed in a shoebox, left on The Bust's doorstep
Our apologies, Mr. Henke: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't the Tom Henke we here at The Bust know. This nerd is. The guy above looks like a tough guy, despite the windshields over his eyes. With his mouth closed, you don't see the jagged snaggleteeth. When the photo isn't a mugshot surrounded by a blinding yellow border, you see Henke is a 6-foot-5, 215-pound country boy who threw hard and wore his mesh harder. Sure, he's wearing 3-inch-thick nerd glasses, but when you see him staring at you with a look of contempt, it makes you think he'd like to smash the glasses on the ground and use the shards to stab you in the neck. So, let us apologize, Mr. Henke. We are sorry we labeled you a dork after seeing the 1988 Topps all-star card a few years ago. Clearly, Fleer has given us a new view of you. You might be a nerd, but you're a nerd who could break a few faces back in the 1980s.

Carney Lansford, 1984 Topps

2012-02-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Carney Lansford
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Third base
Value of card: Six wings, ripped off dead flies
Key 1983 stat: 1,275 hours hunched over
What does Carney Lansford stand for?

Car is a Ford, says Carney Lansford
Adjective used as a noun for team's name
Rally lamb chops were an A's specialty
Night games at the Coliseum feature only a few stabbings
Ever look in the mirror and feel embarrassed by your facial hair? Carney hasn't
Yellow socks accentuate Lansford's curvaceous calves

Lenses are as thick as his mustache
A's 1983 uniforms resembled those of a beer league softball team
Never has anyone named "Carney" risen to such heights
Stirrups go all the way to his waist
Face stuck in a ½-inch-by-½-inch box
Oakland is a great place to play — to play dice in the alley
Rim of Lansford's hat is straight enough for a 2000s hipster
Decision to include a bright-blue box: mind-numbing

Willie McGee, 1991 Fleer Ultra

2012-02-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It ain't pretty
Key 1990 stat: Wore black turtlenecks before Steve Jobs did
Atonement: We've had a lot of fun with Willie McGee these past few years, to the point that we almost felt bad. Almost. So, to make it up to Slick Willie, here are 10 things he's more attractive than:

10) The Predator
9) The Sexy Predator
8) Marge Schott
7) Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day
6) Crazy Crab
5) Garo Yepremian
4) Willie McGee. Oh, wait ...
3) The McRib
2) A trunk full of possums
1) A trunk full of dead possums

Dwight "Doc" Gooden, 1991 Score The Franchise

2012-02-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Dwight "Doc" Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One drinking straw
Key 1990 stat: Endless talent wasted
The charges against Dwight Gooden, as leveled by The Bust:

One count of impersonating a mustache
One count of impersonating a medical practitioner
500 counts of "writing prescriptions" for himself, using a mirror and rolled-up dollar bill
20 counts of fraud for luring us into buying all these baseball cards of his, thinking they'd be worth something
Two counts of loitering with the wrong crowd (on the Mets and the Yankees)

Sparky Anderson, 1991 Studio (Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

2012-02-05T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Sparky Anderson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: Worthless? Check
Key 1990 stat: Quadruple bypass
Sparky bookends: We started Coach-Manager Week with the lovable Sparky and we're ending with Sparky, too. Why? Here's a checklist:

1 ¤ He's the prototypical old man manager.
2 ¤ He has never aged.
3 ¤ He goes by a rascally nickname and has a smile to match.
4 ¤ He's a winner, not just on the baseball field but at the baccarat tables in the back of seedy Chinese food restaurants.
5 ¤ His wrinkles are as deep as poverty levels in Detroit and resemble the stripes of his beloved Tigers.

You can check it off: Sparky, a manager's manager.

Art Shell, 1991 Pro Set (Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

2012-02-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Art Shell
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One Telex watch (maker of knock-off Rolexes and headsets)
Key 1990 stat: 46-pound head
10 names Art Shell ascribed to his stocking cap:
10) My fave-o-wit warmikins
9) The Silver-and-Whack
8) That cap Grandma knitted me
7) That cap Al Davis knitted me
6) The Authentic Telex Headset-Stocking Cap Combo for Today's Head Coach®
5) The knit pick
4) Big Artie's Massive Melon Tuxedo
3) 1990 NFL Head Covering of the Year
2) El snow sombrero
1) Shell's shell

Dan Henning, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

2012-02-03T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Dan Henning
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 50 cents off a knee replacement at Dr. Larry's Joints Joint
Key 1991 stat: Never got up from this pose
What play did Dan Henning call after this photo was taken?

A) 52 Pick-me-up
B) A kneel-down. No, wait, that was before the photo
C) 911. Not a play, just the phone number
D) A Hail Mary
E) All of the above

Ozzie Guillen, 2007 Topps (Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

2012-02-02T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Ozzie (expletive) Guillen
Team: Chicago White (expletive) Sox
Position: Manager, mother(expletive)!
Value of card: Go (expletive) yourself!
Key 2006 stat: Bend over, (expletive), and I'll show you!
Ozzie Guillen's reaction to The Bust after learning he'd be featured on the site (imagine thick accent): "Excuse me? Excuse me! You talkin' about those (expletive) jokers? Those pieces of (expletive)? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That site isn't worth the (expletive) that comes out of my (expletive) after I eat (expletive) Korean (expletive) food out of a (expletive) baby's (expletive)-stained diaper. Look at this (expletive) site. Are you kidding me? Are you (expletive) kidding me? Look at that (expletive) background. Those stupid, soft, untalented, lazy mother(expletives) still haven't updated the site's design? Aren't these wastes of (expletive) space coming up on 900 (expletive), (expletive), (expletive), moronic posts? What a (expletive) joke. I don't want my face on this piece of (expletive). No way. No how. No (expletive) chance in hell. If these (expletive) embarrassments don't have the (expletive) talent or the (expletive) smarts to make their dog(expletive) blog look a bit better after more than two years, (expletive) them and the (expletive) horse they (expletive) rode in on. (Expletive.)"

Ralph Houk, 1991 Swell Baseball Greats (Coach-Manager Week No. 3)

2012-02-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Ralph Houk
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager (catcher, about 40 years before this photo was taken)
Value of card: An abandoned home in the Highland Park area in Detroit (squatting crackheads included)
Key 1990 stat: Still breathing
Just a swell leader of men: Look at old Ralphie. He's such a swell guy, they named a whole baseball card set after him. What a rascal: He doesn't even care that he has three chunks of chew hanging off the right side of his mouth. Aww, that Ralphie. What an ideal representative for the wonderful city of Detroit. His skin is made from the same leather that was used in Cadillacs from 1968 to 1971. After his heart surgery, he has more of a motor pumping blood than an organ. And that voice. Few know that before he was a player and a manager, he was the frontman for Ralphie and the Runners, a pioneering Motown group, whose hits included "Two Balls on Us," "We Love Bang-Bang Plays" and "Bunt is Just One Letter Away from You." Aww, Ralphie, you're what makes baseball great.

Dick MacPherson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

2012-01-31T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Dick MacPherson
Team: New England Patriots
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One mustard stain
Key 1991 stat: 4,619 liver spots on hands
Top 10 places you've seen Dick MacPherson's sweater:
10) The Goodwill down the street
9) The shadier Goodwill across town
8) In your dad's dresser
7) At that Bad Christmas Sweater Party you went to last year
6) On your neighbor's ugly dog in the winter
5) We're pretty sure Tom Brady wore it a couple years back
4) About 20 years ago, on some old guy at Pro Line Studios. ... Hey, wait a minute!
3) In your uncle's rag drawer
2) In a gift box from Grandma three Christmases ago
1) On a homeless Dick MacPherson after he went 8-24 in two seasons with the Pats

Sparky Anderson, 1982 Donruss (Coach-Manager Week No. 1)

2012-01-30T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Sparky Anderson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: A cup of prune juice
Key 1981 stat: Enough neck wrinkles to make a turkey jealous
Just in time for the Super Bowl, welcome to Coach-Manager Week: Whether in a dugout or on the sidelines, a team's leader is an old dude who's almost always rocking a big gut and a bigger attitude. Too often these gentlemen of the game are cast aside, forgotten and never given the credit they deserve. The Bust wants to change that. For seven glorious days, we'll bring you the coaches and managers whose knowledge of the game is only exceeded by their fashion IQ.
Sparky Anderson's train of thought from 2:11 to 2:13 p.m., April 14, 1982: "I wonder if I should eat this baseball. ... This Gibson kid isn't going to amount to jack squat, I bet. ... 'Sweet' Lou — heh. He wasn't so sweet when he was talking about Chet Lemon's mother the other day. ... Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn! Oh, wait, that's the bullpen. ... I still can't believe we signed a guy named Wockenfuss. Isn't that German for something to do with a guy's junk? ... If I look like this now, at age 48, I wonder what I'll look like at age 70? Hmm."

Mike Cubbage, 1982 Topps

2012-01-29T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Mike Cubbage
Team: ~~Chicago Cubs~~ New York Mets
Position: Third base
Value of card: Improbably little
Key 1981 stat: B+ in penmanship
Mike Cubbage, according to the odds:

100,000 to 1: He'd play eight years in the bigs, given his .258 average and 34 career homers
1 million to 1: He wouldn't end up on the Cubs, given his name and especially given those stats
1 to 1: He made an out with this swing
5,000 to 1: He got anywhere with the ladies while wearing those glasses
2 to 1: He later changed his name to Mike Cabbage and started selling produce at a farmers market

Eric Show, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 43)

2012-01-28T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Eric Show
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One cent for each inch of mustache
Key 1990 stat: Hair tousled 1,922 times
Eric Show's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: ShowMeTheMoney
Age: Thirtysomething
Height: It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion — oh, I see. 6'1"
Weight: 185
Hair color: The brownest of the browns
Hairstyle: Carefree and greasy
Ethnicity: Spanish (as far as you know)*
(*Note from dating service: He's white)
Religious views: Far-right
Marital status: Once bitten, twice shy
Best feature: Mustache
Smoke? I throw it
Drink? All the Hennessy jou got on jour shelf

Seeking: Mi amor
Location: North America
Her body type: Plump
Her ethnicity: Female

About me: Jes, I am Eric Show, the quasi-Latino lover, and I am here to love jou. My mustache is made from the finest fibers in all of Espana, and my hair contains enough oil to heat our home on cold winter nights. Please, allow me to be the one to gaze meaningfully into jour eyes as I ply jou with champagne and oysters, building to the moment when we kiss and my mustache's primary purpose switches from warming my lips to warming jours.

Randall Cunningham, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Football Friday No 112)

2012-01-27T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Randall Cunningham
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: You know how much oxygen is in space? That much money.
Key 1991 stat: They were all out of this world
Breaking down this Randall Cunningham card by the numbers:

3: Nondescript planets that look about as dead as the Eagles' current season
3 (again): Footballs, two of which don't appear to be obeying any laws of physics
2: Towels hanging from Cunningham's belt, tastefully covering his bulge
6: Faraway galaxies seen. Whoops, make that five. One of them is just some Parmesean cheese we spilled on the card.
1: Huge cobweb that Cunningham is trapped in. Hopefully his helmet and pads will protect him from the giant space spider that made that thing.

Rickey Henderson, 1989 Fleer

2012-01-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One click for a "You Suck at Photoshop" video
Key 1988 stat: Once referred to himself in the fourth person
It's a popularity contest: What was Rickey Henderson's best feature?

A) His blinding speed
B) That cute little scowl
C) His stirrups
D) His humility
E) Booty!