Basketbawful

Bawful After Dark - November 21, 2009

2009-11-21T11:49:00.007-06:00

Welcome back to Bawful After Dark! Okay, so it's not really after dark yet, unless you're reading this in some location across the globe where you're the only person who has ever heard of the NBA. In which case, hi, nice to meet you, tell your friends. But since I doubt that's the case, I should mention the Knicks/Nyets game is kinda early today, so I wanted to get this up before they played. I think you all can live with that. You can still come back and visit tonight during the games and post as much as you want. I personally won't be around, and Chris is currently on a plane to go on vacation, but I'm sure somebody will drop by occasionally to approve comments. And yes, we're back to the old BAD name today since I'm done poking fun at AnacondaHL (sorry buddy, I had to do it).

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Jack Sikma (left) and Elston Turner (right) have greatly differing reactions when Rick Adelman (center) wonders "Is Rick Adelman gonna have to choke a bitch?"

Friday night man love

If you wondered how the Celtics lost to the Magic, I'm sure this had something to do with it

Larry Brown threatens to tickle the hell out of his team with The Claw unless they get their act together

(Kinda Sorta) Nationally Televised Games:

~~Wizards~~ Generals at Spurs - It's on NBA TV. I don't get this channel, despite having Insight Cable's sports package and HD package. What the hell? Then again, Insight also doesn't offer the NHL channel, or the NHL season pass. And it carries Versus, but NOT in high definition. Oh well, I'm not missing much in this game. The ~~Wizards~~ General against the old and creaky and severely injured Spurs? Really? This is your "national" TV broadcast for the day, Commish Stern?

All the other games:

Knicks at Nyets - A 2-7 team on the road against a 0-12 team. This is where basketball goes to die. This makes the Washington at San Antonio game look appealing. And since the Knicks had the smarts to tell Iverson to get lost, I don't even feel all that confident about the Nyets having a shot at their first win today. I do have confidence, however, that we'll have something to say about this game come Monday morning!

76ers at Crabs - Both teams are on the second night of back-to-backs. Both teams had to travel immediately after playing hard-fought games. And King Crab hasn't scored 30 points against this Philadelphia team in seven games. The odds are pretty good that this will be a painful game to watch.

Hawks at Hornets - This is actually a compelling game. Atlanta is on the road in a back-to-back against a fresh Hornets team that won its last game against Phoenix. It's still looking like the Hawks are for real this year, but this game isn't sounding very good for them. The Hornets last loss was against this very Hawks team. Revenge game, anyone?

Bucks at Grizzlies - Did you know the Grizzlies are on a three game winning streak now that they're cured of The Cancer? Did you know that nobody really cares since it's freaking Memphis? Same goes for Milwaukee being 7-3 so far. Who knew? Oh, and this is yet another game where two teams coming off back-to-backs, which usually is not good for anybody, including the fans. Thank God Memphis and Milwaukee don't have many fans to let down.

Kings at Rockets - The Kings are fresh off a two point loss to the Mavs, and the Rockets are fresh off a two point loss to the Hawks. This game will either be really good, or really, really horrendous. There is nothing in-between. Fun fact: the Kings have won four of six since Kevin Martin was injured. I hate to sound like a broken record (especially since that phrase is so dated), but I'm just sayin'...

Bulls at Nuggets - Okay, so I was a little off on my prediction last night on that Nuggets/Clippers game. The Clippers weren't who we thought they were, for at least one night. Show of hands: who honestly expected the Nuggets to get thoroughly handled by the freakin' Clippers? Embarrassing. While the Bulls will be on fresh legs, could we see the Nuggets trying a little extra hard tonight to gain back some respect? And we all remember their last game, when Brad Miller's last-second shot was ruled to be after the last second.

Pistons at Jazz - Detroit has dropped three straight games. Utah's won three of its past four, losing only to Cleveland. The Jazz have won eight straight games against the Pistons. Throw in the fact that they're on the road, and things don't look so hot for Detroit tonight (or at all this year).

Timberwolves at Blazers - Oh my God. The Wolves are just a bawful team. Their only win was their season-opener against the Nyets, and they're now on an 11-game losing streak. Do you really need me to say anything else about this game?

Bawful (Not) Doin' Work: Weekend Watch Friday

2009-11-20T16:25:00.018-06:00

I can't believe I was alive when this picture was taken.

It's Friday! Since the powers that be at ABC decided to no longer celebrate this with Family Matters or Boy Meets World, I guess we're stuck watching basketball. Darn. Hopefully talking about it in the comments of this post will help you feel better about the lack of Urkel in your life.

(And tying this back to yesterday's BAD post, the last time the Jazz won in San Antonio before last night? Boy Meets World was still cranking out new episodes. Jesus.)

Since it's the weekend, we can't just use the standard Bawful After Dark title, right? Throwing this one out there since we didn't have time to deliberate and pick anything better. What do you guys think?

Anyhow, onto the previews!

Nationally televised games tonight:
Magic at Celtics - Expect the Celtics to slow it down and try to control the game with their defense. Well, you know, at least until Sheed just says "screw it" and starts jacking up bad three pointers. It's only a matter of time, people.

Nuggets at Clippers - It's always great when a team like the Nuggets go to LA to take on the Lakers -- wait, it's the Clippers? We have to watch the Clippers play on national television

/facepalm

Well, at least when this game is a 25 point blowout, we'll get to see someone trotted out as a human victory cigar.

All the other games:
Crabs at Pacers - LeBron effectively owns the Pacers (two triple-doubles and a 47 point performance in his past four games at Indiana). However, he's also banged up at the moment, because the rim apparently plays better defense than half of the teams in the NBA this year. So, hey, this game might actually be close! That doesn't mean it will be good per se, it just means it will be close. A basketball game between two teams of midgets that have been drinking heavily would probably also be close, though it wouldn't be good. (It would, however, be awesome.)

Grizzlies at 76ers - Elton Brand might actually decide to show up for a game for a change! Playing against the Grizzlies' defense will do that to a player. That being said, there is still almost no reason to watch or care about this game.

Heat at Raptors - Dwyane Wade has been in a shooting slump the past couple games, but the Raptors have (unsurprisingly) been good for his shooting touch in the past. Either D-Wade's going to drop a ton of points on the Dinos, or he'll jack up a lot of bricks trying. Either way, he'll be the most prominent thing about this game. Mark it down.

Rockets at Hawks - Oh, is this game going to be good for the comments section. How many bad shots will Trevor Ariza jack up while trying to prove himself as a starter? Are the Hawks legitimately that good? Will anybody really care?

Wizards at Thunder - The Thunder are quietly a decent team. The ~~Wizards~~ General are very blatantly a poor team. But good news everyone! Antawn Jamison's back in the lineup, so the ~~Wizards~~ Generals will have one less excuse for why they keep losing. This could be fun. Or terrible. I get the two confused all the time. Sorry everyone.

Kings at Mavericks - Well, so much for the Kings finally being at .500. Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted, Sacramento! (Sorry, Chris.)

Bobcats at Bucks - The league-worst team in turnovers versus... Milwaukee. Ugh. I had a discussion with a fellow NBA fan the other week, and he proclaimed that the two worst places for an NBA player to be sent in a trade were Toronto and Milwaukee, because "nobody's going to see you or care about you there." Hard to disagree, especially if you're in Milwaukee playing the Bobcats. I need a word stronger than "irrelevant." Anybody?

Blazers at Warriors - The Oden Watch continues! And with the high speed, no-defense playing style Don Nelson advocates, this game should be sloppy, ridiculous, and perfect for mocking. If only we still had Captain Jack to mock... that would have pushed it over the top. (But just for the hell of it since it's such a great nickname, Corey "Bad Porn" Maggette!)

Least Best of the Night: November 19, 2009

2009-11-20T08:00:00.017-06:00

Note: above image is 23.9% more humorous when

accompanied with this sound effect.

Amare Stoudemire: If you are wondering how the Suns gave up a fourth quarter lead and lose to the ~~Charlotte Sting~~ Hornets, you can point the finger at Sun Tzu. Amare Stoudemire ended with 23 points, but with only five boards on the night, he was out-rebounded by Darius Songaila (7) and Devin Brown (6). By no coincidence, the Suns were clubbered on the boards 38-56. Add 5 turnovers to the mix and Amare gives us the worst plus-minus of the game (-11). And Amare's chicken? It was smothered.

Grant Hill and Channing Frye weren't much better. When they aren't scoring (and they weren't, 8-26 shooting) they comprise a sieve-like defensive combination of age and softness. Enter Peja Stojakovic, who is in a 10 ppg, 37% FG slump to start the season. Stojakovic realizes this and licks his chops, or whatever a guy like Peja would lick in this situation, and proceeds to drops 25 points and seven 3s.

Misguided Overconfidence: After starting 3-7, the Hornets have put together a mildly promising 2-1 win streak. But before you declare the Hornets comeback "official" and dust off your Rex Chapman jersey, realize that the Dead Coach Bounce and the Wounded Tiger Theory are both in effect. And yes, these are stackable.

Update! Chronic Loserization: As AnacondaHL pointed out, "The Suns have now lost 15 straight games when televised on TNT. As an East Coaster, seeing as how TNT provided most of my live Suns coverage, it now makes more sense, these feelings of pessimistic fandom." Since we all know the Knicks are the Brooklyn Brawlers of nationally televised games, does this make the Suns the Iron Mike Sharpes?

Forgotten Suckitude: The Jazz got their first road win against the Spurs in ten years. Time to party like it's 1999! And by "party like it's 1999" I mean listening to the timeless sounds of Smash Mouth, watching the President almost get impeached over a blow job, and wondering when Howard Eisley and Jacque Vaughn will steal old man Stockton's starting job.

Michael Finley: Coughed up an 0-for-6 shooting night, along with one board and a plus/minus of -12 in 23 minutes of lacktion. Now is a good time to point out that Finley is the oldest player on one of the league's oldest teams. Since Parker and Ginobili are both out, next time they ask Finley to pick up the slack, they should give him a Reach Grabber. Right after they install a chair in the locker room showers for him. I wonder if he calls dinner "supper"? Ok, I'm done.

Luol Deng: fell back to earth in spectacular "we should have totally traded you for KG" fashion against the Lakers. Six points on 3-for-11 shooting in 36 minutes. The Bulls could have used his barrage of 18-foot jumpers, since the rest of the guys looked not-quite-as-bad-as-usual on offense (48% shooting, 24 assists and 12 turnovers). Up until this year, Ron-Ron calling himself a "defensive stopper" held about as much credibility as winning a Slammy. But this year, the Lakers are a full 16 points better on defense with him on the floor, not including the above Ron Mercer-like night he forced out of Luol Deng. Speaking of..

Ron Artest: Artest apparently made amends with John Green, the Detroit fan that threw the cup of Diet Coke that led to the damndest thing anyone has ever seen at a live sporting event. Since then, the Pacers franchise is now synonymous with thug athletes and bad attitudes, despite a jersey change and a complete roster house-cleaning since 2004. Attendance is down 15% and there are talks of the team relocating or folding. But as long as Ron Artest and some guy in Michigan feel better about the mess they created, that's a relief.

Update! Lacktion Report: My bad for forgetting to forward Chris' lacktion report to Statbuster. Maybe I should include myself in the report? -Basketbawful

Suns-Hornets: Jarron Collins took a board in 4:38, only to foul twice and lose the rock once for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Jazz-Spurs: As Jerry Sloan's team finally won in San Antonio for the first time since the Alamodome was remembered, Kosta Koufos celebrated as the human victory cigar with a +2 suck differential via foul and turnover in 3:49, also counting as a 2:0 Voskuhl. Kyrylo Fesenko's 11:18 stint as starting big man produced a steal, board, and two assists - but also generated four fouls and a giveaway for a 5:3 Voskuhl.

Bulls-Lakers: Sasha Vujacic machined multiple bricks - three from the Library Tower to be exact - to annoyingly add a +3 in 4:34 to the ledger!!!

Bawful After Dark - November 19, 2009

2009-11-19T15:08:00.016-06:00

BAD.

Good evening everyone, and welcome to our second night of the BAD feature! (Oh, how I love that acronym) Please take advantage of the comments section to talk about tonight's games, and also we appreciate feedback about what you like and don't like about BAD. We are here to serve you. And make basketball-related dick jokes and obscure movie references. You know, either or.

Small slate of games tonight (which means there's ample time to continue the Nash/Nowitzki MVP-worthiness debate), but before we get to the previews, a quick glance back at last night...

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"What, me worry?" (Hint: Maybe you should, Mike.)

Not pictured - the single tear running down Gerald's face as he is taunted by Bart and Lisa Simpson.

"NOOOOO!" Shot from an NBA game, or a dramatic acting scene from a soap opera? Tough call.

INVISBLE MCHALE CLOTHESLINE

Nationally televised games tonight:

Suns at Hornets - The last time these teams met in New Orleans on November 11th, the Hornets were thoroughly crushed in a 124-104 home loss. Goran Dragic(!) pulled down a team-leading 7 rebounds for the Suns, to put the game into perspective. Could we see one a revenge game? The Hornets also have the Wounded Tiger Theory/Ewing Theory working in their favor with Chris Paul still injured. However, I am also the amazing prognosticator who expected a dead coach bounce for the Hornets, when they have in fact merely had a dead coach splat. So just forget I said anything.

Bulls at Lakers - Despite apparently dying in Miami recently, Pau Gasol is expected to make his season debut for the Lakers. (Meanwhile, Marc Gasol has set a Grizzlies franchise record by making 15 consectuive shots over two games. Seriously.) Also, John Salmons is expected to not put up bad shots tonight; some of his best peformances have come against the Lakers for some reason, including his lone 30 point game with the Bulls. Not that it will matter much since we'll see a game recap tomorrow about how John Salmons single-handedly defeated the Lakers right next to the story about how he cured cancer and taught pigs to fly in order to vanquish an evil terroist plot to destroy the planet.

All the other games:

Jazz at Spurs - According to the Stats LLC preview on ESPN.com, "the Utah Jazz haven't won in San Antonio in more than a decade." Let that sink in for a minute. "The Utah Jazz haven't won in San Antonio in more than a decade." The Jazz last won a game in San Antonio back in February of 1999. The last time the Jazz won there, you could still party like it was 1999 and not come off as a total douchebag. Greg Ostertag was the youngest player on the team at 25 years of age. Karl Malone, Jeff Hornacek, and John Stockton's short shorts were three of the Jazz's four best players. Hell, even The Nature Boy and Hogan were still relevant and fake-whupping each other back then. (Wait, what? Umm, woo? Moving on...)

While both teams are on the wrong side of back-to-back games, we all know the Spurs are a "chronologically advanced" team. So yeah. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...

My new favorite quote of all time

2009-11-19T13:07:00.002-06:00

This has nothing to do with this post, but it was the best picture Ifound while doing a Google image search for "Ron Artest crazy."
Ron Artest, on throwing Trevor Ariza’s shoe in the stands:

"Well what happened was…obviously I didn't know his shoe would come off that's the first thing conservative reporters. I didn't know his shoe was gonna come off. I don't speak to his feet so I don't know what his feet are thinking, I don't know what his toes are thinking, I don't know what he’s thinking. Then his shoe comes off and I'm like okay a shoe is not supposed to be on the basketball court without somebody standing inside of it. So I said alright, I'm just gonna buy me some time. I really didn't know whose shoe it was, but I said it has to be one of the player's shoe. As soon as I toss it off the court, not throw into the stands which some people said, it'll buy me some time. What happens is I come back down, Trevor is trying to put his shoe on and I politely hit a three in his face."

From Sports Radio Interviews, via TrueHoop, via NarSARSsist.

Taken for granted

2009-11-19T07:50:00.006-06:00

I know it's hard, but try to enjoy this...
Note: Last night at my pickup league, I suffered my 278th busted lip and what might have been a mild concussion (which might explain why I spent the next several hours feeling nauseous and woozy). As a result, I couldn't spend my usual three-four hours researching and writing Worst of the Night. Yeah, sorry. So this is what I've got: something I threw together on the way into work.

Have you taken a look at the season standings lately? The Atlanta Hawks (10-2) are the best team in the East. Out West, things are looking a little retro. And I mean retro circa 2005-06. The Phoenix Suns (10-2) have the top spot, and the Dallas Mavericks (9-3) are in second.

It doesnt make any sense. Going into the season, the Suns lineup appeared to be fatally flawed. They had traded away an All-Star center (Shaq) for two Walking Waivers (Ben Wallace and Sasha Pavlovic), signed Steve Nash (35 years old, bad back) to an extension, and re-signed Grant Hill (37 years old, a history of debilitating injuries). Amar''''''''e Stoudemire (multiple knee surgeries, bum eye) was going to be back, but he was an incomplete player to begin with, and now he's slightly damaged goods. Leandro Barbosa's skills aren't a match for his speed. Jason Richardson is a gunner. Robin Lopez isn't half as good as his brother, Brook, and now he's out 6-8 weeks following left foot surgery. Channing Frye is a castoff. The bench -- Alando Tucker, Earl Clark, Goran Dragic, Jared Dudley, the immortal Jarron Collins, Louis Amundson, and Taylor Griffin -- probably wouldn't make a very good D-League team. No, seriously. Go back and reread the names of the Phoenix reserves. That's the kind of supporting cast that would make some people demand a trade and then freak out in a parking lot.

Meanwhile, the Mavericks looked like a team that could win 50-ish games, but they've been plagued by injuries to Erick Dampier (mystery illness), Josh Howard (out indefinitely with a sore left ankle), Shawn Marion (sprained ankle), and Tim Thomas (knee surgery). Okay, the Thomas injury has really only cost them 3-5 terrible three-point attempts per game. But the other guys...that's three-fifths of the team's projected starting lineup. Imagine if the Lakers were without Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum and Derek Fisher's corpse. Or maybe you switch Ron Artest with Fisher's corpse, but you see where I'm going with this.

And yet, both teams have risen to the top of the league. Why? Because Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash are playing out of their fucking minds. Statistically speaking, they aren't quite matching their best seasons...but they're coming pretty damn close. Captain Canada has had seven double-doubles, including two 20-assist games. He's shooting 50.7 percent from the field, 45 percent from downtown, and 92..5 percent from the line for a True Shooting Percentage of 63 percent. Dirk has had six double-doubles, including two 40-point games. He's not shooting as well as Nash (44/36/90), but he's actually become a clutch player. Suddenly, he's hitting buzzer-beaters (as he did against the Milwaukee Bucks on Monday) and dominating overtimes (Dirk scored 11 of the Mavs' 15 OT points against the Spurs last night). Honestly, when I was watching last night's SAS-DAL game, I honestly thought, without a single drip of irony, "Wow, Nowitzki is unstoppable."

As much sense as it's not making that the Mavs and Suns are doing so well, it makes even less sense (to me) that Nash and Nowitzki aren't being overwhelmed in kudos. Nash is getting some recognition, I guess. Both Basketball-Reference and ESPN.com have them at or near the top of their respective MVP trackers. Meanwhile, BBR has Dirk listed third and ESPN has him sixth...three spots behind Dwyane Wade. And I'm sorry, but Nowitzki has been better than Wade this season. I mean, the Mavs are still winning despite starting Drew Gooden (another castoff) at center. Let me repeat for emphasis: Drew Gooden is starting at center for the Mavericks. Dogs, cats, living together...mass hysteria!

Despite the fact that Phoenix is the feel-good story of the season -- a team left for dead against all odds is playing like the league's best team -- people are still pointing to their blowout losses to the Magic and Lakers as proof that they aren't for real (despite the fact that both games took place on the road on the second night of back-to-backs, and the Lakers game was the Suns' seventh in 10 days). The Lakers recently got their asses whupped in Denver and then lost at home to the star-less Houston Rockets despite having a couple days worth of rest. Last night, the Cavaliers got bitchslapped 108-91 by a rather pathetic Wizards team thanks in part to a LeBron James meltdown. But, for some reason, losses don't count against the Cavs and Lakers. There are excuses for both teams. The Lakers are without Pau Gasol, and Kobe has a cranky groin. LeBron hurt his left wrist trying to dunk last night, and Cleveland is playing without Shaq and Anderson Varejao.

But I've already listed the handicaps of the Mavs and Suns, so those excuses ring a little hollow. And, frankly, I don't want to hear about Kobe's groin and LeBron's wrist. I mean, Nash has been playing with a congenital back condition for years. I don't get it. When Mamba or King Crab tweak something, it's Big News. So much was made of Kobe's bum pinky a couple years back even though it never seemed to affect him. (And, honestly, it shouldn't have. As someone who has several mangled digits from years of playing pickup ball, I can tell you that bum fingers are just part of the sport.) But Nash's creaky back is treated rather routinely. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that the average NBA fan probably doesn't even know about it. Let me ask you this, though. Have you ever tried to play basketball with a bad back? Or do anything else with a bad back, for that matter? My back goes out periodically, and simple things like breathing and walking become difficult. I can't even imagine playing pro ball, or performing like and MVP under those circumstances.

I can't help but feel as though, if Kobe or LeBron had a congenital back problem, it would be relentlessly crammed down our throats. Seriously, would we ever hear the end of it? Tales of their bravery would be spun into Legend.

Steve and Dirk have more MVPs (three) than Kobe and LeBron (two), and yet, amazingly, that seems to actually count against them. Nash's MVPs caused a firestorm of controversy that still gets brought up and dissected, mostly because the Suns never could get by the Spurs in the playoffs. Bill Simmons even listed Steve's MVPs in the "Bullshit MVPs" section of his new book. Dirk's MVP raised eyebrows intially and then got ripped to shreds after his Mavericks (who had won 67 games during the regular season) got upended by the eight-seeded Golden State Warriors. Yet Kobe didn't suffer the same scrutiny when, during his MVP season, the Lakers entered the 2008 NBA Finals as the favorites and yet endured what some sports writers called "a six-game sweep." During LeBron's MVP season, he took less heat for getting eliminated in the Eastern Conference Finals than he did for not shaking hands afterward.

To sum up: playoff failures count against Nash and Nowitzki. They do not counnt against Kobe and LeBron. Why is that?

It's silly, really. In the last decade, five teams have won NBA titles: the Celtics, Heat, Lakers, Pistons and Spurs. Four teams out of 30. It makes no sense to discredit a player based on whether they won a championship. Championships are team accomplishments, maybe even organizational accomplishments. I mean, do the Celtics win in '08 if Danny Ainge doesn't somehow acquire Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen in the offseason? Do the Lakers win last year if Mitch Kupchak doesn't fleece the Grizzlies for Pau Gasol? And let's not forget the Shaq deal, which brought in Lamar Odom, who was a key player in L.A.'s playoff run. Oh, and we all know how well the Spurs and Pistons have been managed. (And I mean the Pistons before the Iverson-for-Billups trade.)

Meanwhile, Robert Sarver has repeatedly cost the Suns quality players by making enemies of guys like Joe Johnson and trading away first-round draft picks for minor cash savings. Seriously, the Suns could have added Luol Deng and Rajon Rondo to a cast that included Nash, Stoudemire, Shawn Marion, Joe Johnson, Leandro Barbosa, Quentin Richardson (back when he was good), and Paul Shirley. (Okay, I was kidding about Shirley. But still.) And let's not forget Mark Cuban, who spends recklessly but let Nash walk over a few million dollars then broke the bank for Erick Dampier. And remember when Cuban traded for Antoine Walker?

Some people have claimed that Nash's MVPs were the result of racism. Dan Le Batard of the Miami Herald infamously wrote: "No one who looks or plays like Steve Nash has ever been basketball's MVP. Ever. In the history of the award, a tiny, one-dimensional point guard who plays no defense and averages fewer than 16 points a game never has won it. But Nash just stole Shaquille O'Neal's trophy, even though O'Neal had much better numbers than Nash in just about every individual statistical measurement except assists, so it begs the question: Is this as black and white as the box scores that usually decide these things?" (Emphasis mine.) There were similar rumblings when Nowitzki's MVP followed up Nash's.

Remember back in 1987 when Isiah Thomas said that if Larry Bird was black, he'd be "just another good guy." And Dennis Rodman -- who's "Bird is overrated because he's white" comment inspired Isiah's faux pas -- wrote in his autobiograpy that: "When you talk about race in basketball, the whole thing is simple: a black player knows he can go out on the court and kick a white player's ass."

It's not just NBA players who think that, you know. Fans and the general public believe it as well. So it's impossible for most people to put Dirk and Steve in a special category right below the Kobes, LeBrons and Dwyane Wades of the league. Even a lot of my knowledgeable, basketball-loving buddies get more excited over a LeBron dunk or a low-percentage two-handed scoop shot by Kobe. To my knowledge, these friends have never showed up raving about a Steve Nash bounce pass or a Dirk Nowitzki rainbow jumper.

Kobe, LeBron, Wade...they look more impressive than the other two ever could. And there's something about someone looking physically dominant that's compelling. I see this happen all the time in pickup ball. Most guys would rather play with an athletic-looking black man than a pasty, undefined white guy...even if the white guy is significantly better.

Look, I'm not trying to make any grand statements about race here. Nor am I trying to argue that Dirk and Steve are better individual players than Kobe and LeBron. After all, as the folks at BBR are quick to point out, the Nash and Nowitzki have their issues on the defensive end. But they are unquestionably great. All they do -- night in, night out -- is give their absolute all and win. They've won a lot in the 2000s. No, they haven't won a championship, but that's not all their fault.

My point is: let's appreciate these guys. It's dangerous to take players for granted. Let me put it this way. I'm a Colts fan. Therefore, I hate the Patriots, and I really, really hate Tom Brady. But some time last year, Evil Ted -- who's a Patriots fan and, believe it, somewhat more level-headed than I am about the Colts-Pats rivalry -- said: "I know you don't like Brady and the Patriots, but the Colts-Patriots games are the best football you're going to see. We get to watch living legends duke it out. We get to spend the rest of our lives knowing we got to watch two of the greatest quarterbacks ever in their prime. Try to enjoy it, or you'll regret it 10 years from now."

Much as I hate to admit it, he was right. Last weekend's game between those two teams was a prime example of what he was talking about. I'm not asking you to switch allegiances or write "I Heart Steve Nash" on your Trapper Keeper. But maybe we can all stop shooting holes in what they've accomplished and pointing fingers at what they haven't...and just enjoy what they're giving us. It'll be worth remembering 10 years from now.

Bawful After Dark - November 18, 2009

2009-11-18T19:04:00.004-06:00

Mr. Bawful has empowered me to try something new here and give you guys a quick preview of all the games going on tonight. This way you'll know what to look for when you're watching the games, and so you'll have a place to comment on the action as it's happening or after it's happened. You know, something to fill in between the Worst Ofs. If you guys like this maybe we'll keep doing it, so let us know what you think in the comments.

Nationally televised games tonight:
Cavs at Wizards - aka "the rivalry that isn't", as Agent Zero looks to Hibachi up some Crabs to get his Wiz their 3rd win in 10 tries. No word on whether Soulja Boy will be in attendance.

Spurs at Mavs - Wasn't San Antonio supposed to be a title contender? Spurs looking for first road win of the year AND looking to climb above .500 at the same time against Dirk and his Digglers.

All the other games:
Warriors at Celtics - Look for Nellie to be drinking heavily before, during and after this one as the Warriors play the bug to Boston's windshield.

Heat at Hawks - This ain't your Daddy's Hawks, and you can tell that just by noticing that Mario West is no longer on the roster. This is also a matchup of the two best teams who have the hardest time drawing a crowd to watch em play. No wonder it's not being televised nationally.

Knicks at Pacers - Every soda fountain and barber shop in Kokomo will be closed early tonight while everyone watches the Knicks go for their tenth loss in eleven games. Or maybe Mike D'Antoni conjures a new Nash out of thin air. You decide.

Thunder at Magic - Two things to look for in this one: the Thunder are actually good and Jason Williams is actually starting for an NBA team.

Bobcats at 76ers - I know what you're thinking: Maurice Speights isn't playing so why bother watching, right? But don't you want to see Capt'n Jack give a clinic in how to play inefficient basketball while Larry Brown goes crazy on the bench? Yeah, me neither.

Nets at Bucks - Brandon Jennings just scored 55 a few days ago and the Nyets have won as many games this year as I have. Might be some fireworks in this one from the guy who's narrowly trailing Blake Griffin in the Rookie of the Year race at this point.

Clippers at Grizzlies - Here it is folks, your Basketbawful Game of the Night. Need I say more?

Rockets at Timberwolves - If Phil Jackson's version of the triangle offense couldn't score against these scrappy Houstonians, what do you think Kurt Rambis' version of it is gonna do?

Raptors at Jazz - Bosh vs. Boozer sounds like it could be fun, but I'm guessing it won't be.

Pistons at Trail Blazers - The Oden Watch continues tonight, though it's doubtful that Ben Wallace is packing the requisite offensive game to get our boy into foul trouble at his usual rate.

Worst of the Night: by Doctor Victor Von Doom

2009-11-18T07:59:00.012-06:00

Kneel before me, cretins.
Hello, fools. I, Victor Von Doom, Doctor, have conquered Basketbawful. I will now provide my own matchless rendition of Worst of the Night.

LeBron James: So..."King James" had 31 points and 12 assists. Bah. There is only one true king, and that is Doom. And now James wants the NBA to retire Michael Jordan's number. Feh. James stole Doom's idea. What? You did not know? Years ago, Doom demanded that the people of earth retire the use of iron masks to honor Doom's many accomplishments, such as when he kidnapped several U.N. ambassadors and replaced their genitals with snapping monkey heads. Did it work? What do you think, fools? Have you ever seen anyone other than Doom wearing an iron mask? I think not.

Shaquille O'Neal: Hm. After a half-dozen grueling 20-minute stints for his new team, O'Neal is taking a short vacation. Oh, wait, Doom apologizes. O'Neal is "injured." Yes, of course. And Doom's penis is over two feet long. No, really. It is. Beware the unstoppable Cock of Doom!

The Golden State Warriors: Doom knows little of this fool's sport called basketball. However, I did note that the Cavaliers were without two members of their starting frontcourt (O'Neal and the fool Andersen Varejao) and then lost a key backup (Jamario Moon). And yet Cleveland still scored a season-high 114 points on 58 percent shooting and J.J. Hickson went 9-for-9 from the field. Warriors: your defensive failures disgust Doom. Be gone!

Update! Andris Biedrins: Doom fan Leland contacted Doom to let him know that Biedrins missed the Warriors-Cavaliers game with a condition known as Osteitis pubis. Do not forget the "Doctor" part of "Doctor Doom"! Listen, cretins, and I will explain this condition. Osteitis pubis results from excessive physical strain on the pubic bone, which is usually caused by rapid changes of direction that force the abdominal and groin muscles to exercise a pulling or traction force on the pubic bone. So, clearly, Biedrins was sidelined by furious masturbation, probably to a phota of Doom himself. Andris: Doom is flattered. He really is. But Doom loves no man...but himself. Which is why he surrounds himself with Doom Bots created in his own image. Except for the Fleshlight inserted into their robotic groins. But enough! Doom's personal life is only for him to know!

The Miami Heat: There are certain things that make Doom giggle. Death. Torture. His own unstoppable flatulence. And successful sports teams that cannot fill their own arena. Doom is told that Dwyane Wade is one of the best and most exciting basketball players on this pitiful planet. Nonetheless, Miami's arena was so empty that fans from the upper decks were allowed to move to the lower level.

This reminds Doom of a story. Some time ago, Doom held a public assembly to celebrate his own matchless completion of a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. One particularly foolish Latverian peasant had the unmitigated audacity to stop applauding after not even four hours of non-stop applause. Doom will never forget the peasant's pleas of mercy as Doom's own iron fist slowly choked the life out of him. "Please, my Lord," the fool said, "I spent the previous 17 hours applauding your peerless victory over a crossword puzzle of moderate difficulty, and the 11 hours before that were spent applauding your Candy Land victory over several four-year-olds. Furthermore, due to the 127% Latverian tax rate, I have had to surrender all my money, food and personal belongings to your tax collectors. I haven't eaten in weeks, save for a few pieces of moldy bread and a cup of gruel. I am weak, and tired, but my loyalty and love for my Lord Doom is unwavering." He continued blubbering in that manner for several more minutes before Doom finally crushed his windpipe. Let that be a lesson to you all: Doom does not accept excuses!

Now, where was I? Ah, yes, the Heat. Those fools lost 100-87 at home to the Oklahoma City Thunder. What ignominy! Miami was outshot (48 to 43 percent), out-rebounded (41-36), and out-assisted (19-17). The Heat also missed 10 free throws. Pathetic. If Doom were coaching the Heat, he would place each of them in an elaborate mechanism that would bring about their death lest they hit 100 consecutive foul shots. Of course, the device would be emitting toxic gas and firing lasers at them while they attempted the free throws. Such is the cruelty of Doom.

The New Jersey Nets: The so-called "Nyets" fell at home to the Indiana Pacers 91-83 and thus earned a place among history's worst basketball teams. Only five teams since 1994-95 have begun a season with more consecutive losses than the Nets: the 1997-98 Denver Nuggets (12), the 1996-97 Phoenix Suns (13), the 2002-03 Memphis Grizzlies (13), the 1994-95 Los Angeles Clippers (16) and the 1998-99 Los Angeles Clippers (17). This is unacceptable. The Vulture, pathetic though he is, has more wins over Spider-man than the Nets have over anyone. Doom is so deeply offended by this shameful display of basketball putrescence that he has designed a device that causes his feces to materialize in New Jersey coach Lawrence Frank's mouth every time Doom takes one of his matchless dumps. Beware the scatological terror of Doom!

Doom was particularly delighted to read this melancholy quote from Chris Douglas-Roberts, who suffered defeat despite scoring a career-high 27 points: "It's nothing if we don't win. My numbers don't matter if we're losing because you are labeled a loser. It doesn't matter what you're doing on a losing team. Nobody really cares. I know I don't." Doom agrees completely...fool.

Doom also giggled at the following quote from the Associated Press recap: "Hoping to end the skid, the Nets asked their fans to show support with a '10 is enough!' plan, giving each season-ticket holder two tickets to bring additional fans. But the announced attendance was only 11,332, and now there are still no wins."

Update! Chris Douglas-Roberts, unintentionally dirty quote machine: The fool AnacondaHL risked being vaporized by Doom's orbiting plasma cannon by pointing out an ommission in Doom's WotN entry. However, the mild but pleasant amusement this quote brought Doom has not been matched since he had an old middle school rival savagely beaten, coated in bronze and made into a foot stool. And so: "Dr. Doom should also mention the unintentionally dirty quote and subsequent man love denial by CD-R in the Nets Team Report: 'I really felt good. I heard at one point in the game (Saturday) coach was like, 'We need to give Chris a blow,' and I told him, 'No, I don’t need a blow.'"

The humor, of course, is that, in this case, the word "blow" is a homograph, meaning both "a short rest" and "oral sexual gratification." Muwahahahahaha! Muwahahahahahah!! Muwhahahahahaha!!! Right...moving on then...

Update! Travis Diener: Doom fan DKH informed Doom that Indiana's Diener missed the Nets-Pacers game due to "sore toes." Doom then discovered that these sore toes have prevented Diener from playing a single game this season. Amazing. Doom does not have the technological or mystical resources necessary to create a bigger human vagina than Deiner. And don't think that Doom hasn't tried. He has tried. Oh, how he has tried...

The Los Angeles Clippers: Even as a child, Doom possessed genius beyond measure. He used that peerless intellect to splice the DNA of his pet puppy with that of a goldfish. And then an iguana. And then a grapefruit. And then an old photo of Elvis. And so on. The resulting abomination chilled even Doom's pitiless soul. Doom spent many a night listening to the moans of agony issue forth from both of its misshapen mouths, which regularly begged Doom, "Kill me...please, by all that's holy...kill me..."

And yet Doom did not, because only through the suffering of others is Doom's heart filled with joy. That is why Doom has not yet destroyed the joke of a team known as the Clippers. At the beginning of the season, Doom was filled with a nameless dread. Perhaps, Doom thought, the Clippers might actually be good this year. Chris Kaman was healthy. Baron Davis was in shape. And the Clippers had selected Blake Griffin first overall in the National Basketball Association's yearly draft. However, it has quickly become apparent that the Clippers are who Doom thought they were. As further proof of this inescapable fact, the Clippers lost 110-102 to a sad and stumbling Hornets team that is as hopeless as the peasant Doom killed several paragraphs ago.

But a loss is to be expected, particularly when a team falls behind by 14 points in the first quarter, gets outrebounded 51-36, and earns 11 fewer free throws. At least that's what Doom's statistician slave tells him. Bah. Doom cares not for these numbers. The Clippers suck. So says Doom!

The Toronto Raptors: Many of earth's greatest scientists have pondered why dinosaurs became extinct. The answer is simple. They displeased Doom, so he created a time machine and traveled to the distant past to destroy them. Do not contradict Doom with arguments of time paradoxes and faulty logic! Doom's triumph over the mighty dinosaurs has already been published in every Latverian history textbook. Therefore, it is fact.

Based on Toronto's 130-112 defeat in Denver last night, even dinosaur-themed basketball teams are extinct. What a miserable defensive display. The Nuggets shot over 60 percent from the field. Even Doom's own matchless laser gauntlets do not fire with that kind of accuracy. It makes Doom wonder...were the Raptors even trying to stop the Nuggets from scoring? Perhaps not. Perhaps they, like Doom, are simply trying to lull their enemies into a false sense of security, much as Doom has by achieving a lifetime record of 0-217 against earth's superheroes. If indeed the Raptors are mirroring Doom's own unbeatable strategies, you can expect them to win the National Basketball Association championship this season. Even if Doom is forced to obliterate the other 29 teams to make his prediction come true.

The Detroit Pistons: Hm. According to Doom's inside sources, the Chicago Bulls are currently ranked 4th overall in Defensive Rating among teams in the National Basketball Association. Note that this has happened during the very first season they have played since allowing Ben Gordon to leave the team. This is not coincidence. Neither is the fact that last night's shooting guard matchup in the Pistons-Lakers game was Kobe Bryant versus Gordon...a matchup Bryant won 40-18.

What flawed and foolish plan...asking the miniscule Gordon to defend Bryant in the low post. That's like asking the Dazzler to defeat Doom. Wait. Wait, that actually happened? Doom must now throw up in his own matchless mouth. Blrrrglhph. Hmph. Clearly Doom should have taken off his mighty mask before vomiting.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Doom salutes Bryant, who lived up to his "Mamba" nickname by feigning injury and laying in the grass at his enemies' feet, waiting to strike. And strike he did! It reminds Doom of his many "defeats" at the hands of the accursed Reed Richards and his so-called "Fantastic Four." Doom is simply inflating the fool's confidence. And, when his arrogance is at its peak, Doom will be there, waiting. By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that this was Doom's reaction to his last defeat.

Lacktion Report: Chris is the rare mortal fool that has actually earned Doom's respect. How? That is for Doom to know. Now read Chris' lacktion report before Doom is forced to send your genitals to the Negative Zone.

Thunder-Heat: Oklahoma City's Serge Ibaka earned a +1 suck differential via foul in 1:52, also good for a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Pacers-Nets: Josh Boone's three boards for the Nyets in 13:12 were negated by two fouls and turnovers each, resulting in a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Clippers-Hornets: ~~Kareem Rush can now share a sparsely-furnished penthouse with team owner Donald Sterling, due to his 1.9 trillion take tonight in the Crescent City!~~ (Kareem Rush was injured and thus the only rich man remains Mr. Sterling.) Fellow Clipper DeAndre Jordan is who we thought he was, as in 3:41, he is the first big man this season to mix a 100% shooting percentage (one made field goal plus a couple of gimmes from the charity stripe) with enough negation (three fouls and two turnovers) for a Voskuhl of 5:4!!!!!

Raptors-Nuggets: George Karl's gilded group may have been stymied tonight at home by the fossilized creatures, but it certainly wasn't for a lack of mining attempts, with Malik Allen panning a 3.15 trillion.

Bulls-Kings: With the Kings entering tonight with their first winning record since 2006, it appears that Paul Westphal has been spending some time in Kirby's Dream Land, as he sent Jon Brockman out for a 51-second Mario that somehow involved a rebound.

Worst of the Night: November 16, 2009

2009-11-17T08:00:00.003-06:00

Clearly this was not what Stephen Jackson had in mind whenhe said he was "made for the playoffs and championships."
Allen Iverson: Three games. The Allen Iverson Experiment in Memphis lasted only three games before Iverson left the team for "personal reasons," which probably had as much to do with him coming off the bench as anything else. Now the Grizzlies have cut The Not Answer loose. Ironically, the team's acquisition of Jamaal Tinsley -- whom the Indiana Pacers had spent the better part of the last two seasons paying millions of dollars to just stay away -- sealed Iverson's fate. According to Memphis GM Chris Wallace: "Because of personal matters that forced him to leave the team on November 7, Allen will step away from the game at this time, allowing him to focus on those matters. As a result, we will be ending our contractual agreement with Allen, which will allow both parties to move forward. We wish Allen the best."

Iverson never even played a game on the Grizzlies' home court.

It was a doomed marriage to begin with. Iverson seems to truly believe he's still a superstar who deserves carte blanch...which means a starting role and 20-25 shots per game. The Grizzlies, meanwhile, are building around young players like Rudy Gay, O.J. Mayo, Hasheem Thabeet and DeMarre Carroll. For better or worse, those players are the future in Memphis. Iverson, on the other hand, was a stop gap at best. And besides, he had no real interest in playing for a celler dweller like the Grizzlies. They were simply the only team willing to sign him, and he was trying to reboot his career in the hopes of maybe hooking up with a contender once he'd proved himself again. Well...REBOOT FAIL.

Iverson clearly doesn't feel like he should have to prove himself at all. He looks in the mirror and sees a four-time scoring champion, 10-time All-Star and former MVP who recently became only the 16th player in NBA history to score 24,000 points. On paper, he looks like a real catch. Kind of like Paris Hilton. But in reality, he's a flawed, inefficient player with a me-first attitude. Well, maybe me-first is the wrong way to put it. He wants to win, truly desires team success, but only on his own terms. Wait...I guess me-first was the right way to put it after all.

A few years ago, Iverson and Kevin Garnett were two of the great "what if" players in NBA history, and perhaps the two greatest of the last decade. Everyone always wondered: "What if AI and KG had quality teammates? What would happen then?"

Well, we found out, didn't we? Garnett, once he was paired with Paul Pierce and Ray Allen, steamrolled to a championship. Meanwhile, Iverson failed to lift the Nuggets (who improved immensely when he was exchanged for Chauncey Billups) and then completely bombed in Detroit (and there's no question that the Pistons were and are better off without him). And now his three-game stint in Memphis has further stained the reputation of someone who, until recently, was often talked about as one of the all-time greats.

Personally, I never quite understood that. In the end, was Iverson effectively any greater than, say, Dominique Wilkins or Pistol Pete Maravich? Those three players were all brilliant showmen, high-powered scorers, outstanding on an individual basis. They all could have won a lot of tropies if the NBA was a one-on-one league in which games were played to 11 by 1s aned 2s. But it's not. It's a team sport. And Iverson's best season happened only because Larry Brown coached the hell out of a Sixers team full of roleplayers who were willing to kill themselves despite never touching the ball. Iverson benefitted from the perfect storm of circumstances that season. And you'll notice that he never came close to reaching that level of team success ever again. It was an abberation more than an indication of greatness.

Is Iverson finished in the NBA. Maybe. Probably. Although I read that the New York Knicks have expressed interest. Fitting, huh? You'd think that Donnie Walsh would be smart enough to avoid the possibility of another Stephon Marbury-type situation. Of course, if anybody can resurrect Iverson's career, it's Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni. You can bet he'd be willing to start Iverson and let him chuck 'em up without remorse...just like everyone else on the Bricks.

My biggest regret in this whole mess is that the league won't be able to give Iverson a bogus spot on the All-Star team. Which is too bad, because Basketbawful reader Jordan sent in the perfect promo poster:

Stephen Jackson: In the ultimate example of "be careful what you wish for" -- not to mention poetic justice -- Captain Jack was finally traded to the Charlotte Bobcats. Of course, that wasn't exactly was S-Jax had in mind this summer when he made his much-publicized trade demands and said: "I'm made for the playoffs and championships. That's what I play for. I'm Big Shot Jack." His wish list included Cleveland, New York, or one of the Texas teams.

Well, New York was out of the question (they're still saving cap space for next summers doomed-to-failure run at Lebron). The Mavericks are on fire and don't need him. The Rockets and Spurs go after character guys, so they probably don't want him. There was talk about the Cavaliers trying to deal for Jackson, but their supposed offer included a sign-and-trade of Wally Szczerbiak (who's still recovering from a major knee surgery and currently out of the league indefinitely) and Delonte West (who could end up in jail on gun charges). The Warriors wanted Jackson gone...but not that badly. So they were willing to take Charlotte's deal which included Raja Bell and Vladimir "Space Cadat" Radmanovic. One, two, three, pass the trash!

Jackson, for his part, is taking the moral low ground and blaming the Warriors for the whole mess: "I wanted to be out pretty bad. Things were going bad. I was getting blamed for everything. I wasn't seeing eye to eye with the team. I got fined in preseason, which was ridiculous. It was just a lot of things that I didn't agree with that was going on."

One thing in Captain Jack's favor is that he'll be coached by Larry Brown, the same guy who managed to squeeze some blood out of the Allen Iverson turnip. And let's face it, Charlotte is the league's lowest scoring team...so they need the help. Said Brown: "I know Stephen, he loves to play, and we've got to make it work out -- and I'm confident it will."

S-Jax was pretty thrilled to hear about that, and anxious to take a stab at Don Nelson: "The kind of coach I want that has your back. That's something that's big to me. If a coach has my back, then I don't mind playing 110 percent for him." You might wonder where Jackson's going to get that extra 10 percent. Well, since he's been giving about zero percent on the defensive end for the last couple seasons, he's got plenty of percents to give.

Mark Stevens: You may not know him, but he's Stephen Jackson's agent. You know, the man who got his client traded to the Bobcats. Well, Jackson wanted to be on a contender, and that's what he got. Of course, the 'Cats are contending to become the lowest scoring team of the shot clock era...but that's still contending! Stevens, predictably, is on spin control: "He's happy about the trade, delighted about the trade. This is what he wanted, a new start, and this gives him a chance to compete. Plus he's a huge fan of that team's president, Michael Jordan." Riiiiiight. And let me guess...you have some swamp land in Florida to sell me, too, right?

The Charlotte Bobcats: Let's hope the Captain Jack trade breaths some life into this depressing team. Last night, they managed to shoot over 50 percent and outscore the Magic (who, of course, have All-Star center Dwight Howard) 40-36 in the paint, but failed nonetheless thanks in part to 11 missed free throws and the 21 points they gave up on 17 turnovers. What a waste of a career-high-tying 31-point effort from Flip Murray. The 97-91 setback was Charlotte's fifth straight loss and their 11th consecutive defeat on the road dating back to last season. The 'Cats are now 1-10 all-time when playing in Orlando.

By the way, Jackson's debut with his new team was highlighted by 13 points in 14 shots and a game-high 4 turnovers.

The Oden Watch: Another game, another 5 personal fouls for Big Greg. It's also worth noting that The Next Great Center (11 points, 5-for-9, 7 rebounds, 1 block, game-high 4 turnovers) was thoroughly outplayed by his Atlantean counterpart Al Horford (15 points, 7-for-10, 10 rebounds, 2 blocks, no turnovers). Heck, even Hawks pine rider Zaza Pachulia (7 points, 9 boards) outrebounded him despite playing 14 fewer minutes. As always, I'm just sayin'...

The New Jersey Nyets: Basketbawful reader Alex K. sent in one of the most depressing e-mails a basketball fan can ever receive from his team. Said Alex: "In case you didn't see this already, this pretty much sums up what it's like to be a Nets fan. Ugh."

Isiah Thomas: Like Sugar Ray said: it never ends...it never ends.

Pau Gasol: I didn't see Pau on CSI last night, but Dan B. sent me the link to the KenTremendous Twitter, which has some funny Pau-on-CSI-themed jokes. Can anybody let me know how it was?

Lacktion Report: After watching Derek Anderson compile a fourth-quarter passer rating of 3.1 on Monday Night Football, Chris somehow had the strength of will left to report on the NBA lacktion:

Blazers-Hawks: Joe Smith and Maurice Evans each gave the dirty birds a +2 suck differential, through differing means: Evans via two bricks in 5:53, and Smith via two fouls in 3:58.

Mavs-Bucks: James Singleton fouled twice and missed one shot for a +3 in 2:33.

Worst of the Weekend: Winless Weekend edition

2009-11-16T07:51:00.010-06:00

The New Jersey Nyets: The NBA's only winless team remained winless (0-9) after scoring only 72 points on 32 percent shooting against the Magic in Orlando. They have now officially wrested the title of "Worst Team in the League" away from the Clippers. At this point, every game the Nyets play simply extends the worst start in franchise history. HISTORIC FAIL.

Brook Lopez: Lopez has been playing like an All-Star this season, and he had averaged 22.7 points, 11 rebounds and two blocks in New Jersey's three games before facing the Magic and Defensive Player of the Year Dwight Howard. Then, suddenly, Lopez looked like the second coming of Greg Kite, finishing with only 4 points on 1-for-12 shooting. Brook finished with a plus-minus score of -26 in 31 minutes. Lopez was also outrebounded 12-5 by Nyets guard Terrence Williams. Williams, by the way, gets dishonorable mention for shooting 3-for-17.

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers were facing a Jazz team that had only nine players available -- Utah was missing it's best player (Deron Williams) and Ronnie Price (sprained left big toe), Kyle Korver (left knee surgery) Matt Harpring (ankle/knee/old), and C.J. Miles (left thumb surgery) -- and yet still lost by 22 points at home. And it wasn't even as close as the final score indicates. Total homecourt fail. Speaking of fail...

Elton Brand: While Carlos Boozer was sizzling (24 points, 11-for-16, 12 rebounds, 4 assists, 3 steals), the 80 Million Dollar Man was fizzling (11 points, 2 rebounds, 1 steal). Don't worry, Philadelphia fans. You only have three-plus seasons left of this at about $15 million per year.

The New York Knicks: The Bricks not only got spanked 121-107 by the Golden State Warriors -- giving up 58.3 percent shooting, 58 points in the paint and 31 points off 21 turnovers -- they established the worst 10-game start in franchise history in the process. HISTORIC FAIL.

Bricks coach Mike D'Antoni, the man who made Steve Nash, somehow go only 5 points (1-for-7) and 7 assists out of Chris Duhon. (Please don't tell Bill Simmons...it'll blow all his anti-Nash theories.) After watching his team crap the bed, Mikey said: "I just thought our lack of fight was the most disappointing thing. It's bad, there's no doubt about it. We've got three days off, we'll practice hard and we'll try to figure out something better and see who wants to come forward." Added rookie Toney Douglas: "This isn't where we want to be." I don't blame you, Toney. Oddly enough, you're where at least one nutty baller does want to be...

Stephen Jackson, lost in his own reality quote machine: During the offseason, Captain Jack -- citing the fact that he was "built for championships" -- said he wanted to be traded from the Golden State Warriors to a contender...and then included New York as one of his preferred destinations. So, yup, he's still crazy. But he's not backing down from what he said, no matter how batshit it sounds. Said Jax: "This is one of the best places to play. If somebody says it's not, they're lying. Everybody wants to say they played in the Garden. Everybody gets up to play here and I'm no different than anybody else." No different th an anybody else? Oh, I beg to differ, Stephen.

The Boston Celtics: So the Leprechauns got punked at home by the Hawks...how'd that happen? Well, for starters, the C's were shooting blanks from beyond the arc (1-for-15). They also couldn't protect their defensive backboards, allowing the Hawks to score 22 points off 16 offensive rebounds. Furthermore, Boston was -10 in points off turnovers even though they only lost the ball two more times than Atlanta did. But the real problem is that the Hawks played with more determination and intensity. The Celtics didn't start taking the game really seriously until the final five minutes or so, by which time it was too late.

Rajon Rondo: Rondo bricked two free throws down the stretch. That was bad enough, but it brought to my attention that Rajon is shooting -- gak! -- 25 percent from the line this season! And he's a potential All-Star?! Not with FT shooting like that. When you're a guard and Chris Dudley could beat the hell out of you in a foul shooting contest, you aren't ready to be an All-Star.

The New Orleans Hornets: So much for the dead coach bounce, huh? Byron Scott may be gone, but the Hornets' problems are not. Playing at home against the Portland Trail Blazers, New Orleans shot 36 percent (including a combined 2-for-15 from Chris Paul and Peja Stojackovic), got gangbanged on the boards 60-40 (which included giving up 30 offensive boards), and scored a season-low 78 points. Oh, and CP3 suffered an ankle injury that required him to leave the arena on crutches. It's going to be a long and unhappy season in New Orleans. Good thing they still have the Saints. (Go Drew Brees!)

The Minnesota Timberwolves: The running tally: nine losses in a row to drop them to 1-9. 'Nuff said. Although special mention goes to...

Ryan Hollins and Jonny Flynn: In the first half of the Mavs-Timberwolves game, Dirk Nowitzki had only 5 points and 5 boards. Then, in the third quarter, Hollins started throwing some elbows, and then Hollins and Flynn started working their jaws...and Nowitzki blew up. After picking up a technical, the Sour Kraut had 13 points, 5 rebounds and 3 blocked shots in seven minutes to put Dallas in the driver's seat.

Said Dirk: "[Hollins] elbows a lot and that's just how he plays," Nowitzki said. "I just felt like at some point it was enough." Added Flynn: "Sometimes you've got to pick your battles. You don't want to do anything to spark a sleeping giant like that." Better write that one down, rookie.

The Minnesota offense: Kurt Rambis is determined to make the Triangle offense work in Minnesota. Good luck with that, Kurt. The T-wolves currently rank 27th in Effective Field Goal Percentage (44.9), 27th in PPG (90.2), and 28th in Offensive Efficiency (91.6 Points Per 100 Possessions). Oh, and Rambis has transformed Al Jefferson from a 20-10 guy to a 15-6 guy. Golf clap.

Kevin Martin: From Apocalypse34: "Is it a little early to start a Kevin Martin watch? He played in the Kings' first 5 games, and Sacramento went 1-4. Since missing these last 4 games, Sacramento is 4-0. This comparison also features a 13 point loss to the Thunder with Martin, and a 13 point win over the Thunder without him. Granted, the competition hasn't been fierce without Martin (Utah, OKC, Golden State, and Houston) but the Kings usually struggle against, well, everyone." Hmmm...

The Los Angeles Lakers: Well, well, well...what do you know? The Lakers, playing on the road on the second night of back-to-backs, got their asses whupped by the Denver Nuggets. L.A. kept it close for a half thanks to 19 points from Kobe Bryant. But golly gee, what do you know, the Lakers ran out of gas in the second half. Big time. L.A. was outscored 29-8 in the third quarter and Mamba went scoreless in the second half as Denver rolled to a 105-79 win. According to the AP recap: "The eight points tied a Nuggets record for fewest points allowed in a single quarter, and it was just two shy of tying the Lakers' mark for futility in a single quarter. They scored just six points in a quarter against Chicago in 1977." HISTORIC FAIL.

As Kobe said: "They beat the hell out of us. I don't know if we had Pau it would have made any difference. They played extremely well."

Can we just agree that my point about fatigue in back-to-backs has been made? Good.

And so much for Ron Artest shutting down Carmelo Anthony. 'Melo was limited to 30 minutes because of first-half foul trouble, but he still finished with 25 points on 11-for-20 shooting. Speaking of which...

Carmelo Anthony, egotastic quote machine: After seemingly putting the "Artest owns 'Melo" theories to rest, Anthony said: "I don't really think it's possible to have a 'Melo stopper. No team in the NBA will just let me play 1-on-1 against them. They just won't do it." I'm not saying he's wrong, exactly, but players who say things like that to the press are tempting the fates.

The Lakers' bench: I've heard some rumblings about the general crappiness of the L.A. bench, and the Nuggets game didn't exactly disprove it, as Denver's bench outscored their Lakers' counterpart 43-16.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Their 104-89 home loss to the Toronto Craptors --during which the Clips built a 22-point lead in the second quarter -- once again proved that the Other L.A. Team is, indeed, who we thought they were. Blame turnovers: the Clippers gave up 24 points on 17 turnovers. Mind you, Toronto entered the game forcing the fewest turnovers per game (11.8).

The loss dropped the Clippers -- who have lost six of their last seven games against the Craptors -- to 3-7 on the season and did further damage to Mike Dunleavy's 2009-10 Coach of the Year bid.

LeBron James: Let me start off by saying that King Crab is entitled to his opinion. Everything he said about Jordan being the greatest and how all NBA teams should retire his number...well...like I said, he's entitled to his opinion. In case you didn't hear about or read what he said, here's the skinny:

“I just think what Michael Jordan has done for the game has to be recognized in some way -- soon. There would be no LeBron James, no Kobe Bryant, no Dwyane Wade, you name all the best players in the league right now and the last 10 years, there would be none of us without Michael Jordan. It’s time. He’s the best basketball player we’ve ever seen. Mike does it on the court and off the court. If you see 23, you think about Michael Jordan. You see guys flying through the air, you think about Michael Jordan. You see game-winning shots, you think about Michael Jordan. You see fly kicks, you think about Michael Jordan. He did so much, it has to be recognized, and not just by putting him in the Hall of Fame. He can't get the logo {referring to the NBA logo that’s modeled on a silhouette of Jerry West), and if he can’t, something has to be done. I feel like no NBA player should wear 23. Nobody. If I’m not going to wear No. 23, then nobody else should be able to wear it.”

Okay, first of all, Michael Jordan has been the most recognized player in the history of anything. He really doesn't need any more accolades...although he'll keep getting them until the end of time. Second of all, "you name all the best players in the league right now and the last 10 years, there would be none of us without Michael Jordan." Really? There'd be no Shaq, Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett...there would be no great player if Jordan didn't exist? Really?! Forget the fact that Jordan owes guys before him -- like Dr. J, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson -- the same way Kobe or LeBron owe Mike.

But what kills me most is the "If I'm not going to wear No. 23, then nobody else should be able to wear it." I shouldn't be surprised by this quote, especially considering it came out of the mouth of a guy who regularly refers to himself in the third person. But, I mean, damn.

The worst part of it is that he's switching to No. 6, which also happens to be Bill Russell's number. And Russell, of course, is only the greatest winner in team sports. And I mean greatest winner ever, and he always will be. Nobody else will ever dominate as a winner the way Russell did: 11 championships in 13 seasons, including eight straight. Plus, he coached the Celtics on their final two back-to-back titles of his era. Jordan didn't do that...never even came remotely close. If anybody's number should be retired for all time, it should be William Felton Russell's.

Anyway, again, LeBron can think whatever he wants. But he really does need to get over himself. At least a little.

Chris's Friday Lacktion Report:

Nets-Magic: New Jersey's Josh Boone farmed out a 2:1 Voskuhl in 5:13 by negating a board with two fouls, one brick, and a rejection.

Warriors-Knicks: Darko Milicic was free to foul once more for a +1 suck differential in 4:44, also good for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Hawks-Celtics: Jason Collins became a man in full tonight with a 1.2 trillion! For the home team, Doc Rivers had no victory to celebrate, yet still sent out the newest Little Three of Lacktivity -- Brian Scalabrine, Lester Hudson, and JR Giddens -- for a 38 second stint as Mario Triplets. Lester Hudson chose to be the odd one out, er, Toad, by bricking once from the Big Dig for a +1.

Blazers-Hornets: To celebrate their road win over an undermanned Hornets squad, Portland's Juwan Howard took a rejection in 1:25 for a +1, while Dante Cunningham simultaneously scrambled to score a 1.4 trillion. The buzzers responded by having Julian Wright out there as a Bee Mario for 55 seconds.

Lakers-Nuggets: In addition to being smacked down hard by Ty Lawson's garbage-time monster slam, Josh Powell found himself on the wrong end of a Voskuhl ratio, earning a 4:3 in a 13:13 stint after bricking and fouling four times each, against only one rebound and made field goal.

The New Orleans Hornets: The Hornets' winless weekend was punctuated by a 23-point pimp slap by the Atlanta Hawks. Yes, I know, New Orleans was Chris Paul-less, but that doesn't change the fact that a) their head coach got canned this week, b) their star player is injured, c) the coaching change hasn't changed the team's trance-like play, d) their record just dropped to 3-9, and e) they suck. I mean, sure, their offense was bound to kind of suck without CP3 to guide them, but defense is really about determination, effort and intensity. And yet the Hawks -- who went tiny bird balls out to beat the Celtics the previous night -- shot 54.5 percent from the field. And yeah, that was a season-high for them.

David West: Huh...8 points on 17 shots. Pretty efficient.

The Boston Celtics: It sure doesn't look like this team is going to win 70 games, eh? Maybe the lack of sleep is killing my brain cells, but I don't remember the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls suffering any winless weekends, let alone dropping a gimme against a defenseless team like the Pacers. Although, to be fair, Boston was the most defenseless team in Conseco Field House on Saturday night. One night after Jamal Crawford lit them up for 18 points off the bench, Dahntay Jones -- he of the 5.3 PPG career average -- torched the C's for a season-high 25 points on 7-for-15 shooting and 11-for-15 at the line. That's right: Dahntay Jones got to the line 11 times against the Celtics. In fact, the Pacers shot 31 free throws and hit almost 53 percent of their field goals. Oh, and Indy's 113 points was easily the most points the Leprechauns have given up this season. In other words: DEFENSIVE FAIL. And wouldn't you know it? Boston, an older team, was playing on the road in the second game of back-to-backs. As always, I'm just sayin'...

The Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals: Washington's sixth straight loss dropped them to 2-7. The defeat was highlighted by Gilbert Arenas deferring to freaking Earl Boykins, who 20 points on 7-for-12 shooting, but still. In the grand scheme of things, I'm pretty sure the Generals are want the Agent formerly known as Zero taking the big shots. Arenas said teammate DeShawn Stevenson "got mad at me today, because in the fourth quarter I only took three shots. He said, 'Before, this wouldn't have happened. You would have taken over the fourth quarter, even if you had to take every shot.' ... told me to bring it back," said Arenas, who ended up with 19 points and 10 assists. "Everyone wants the fun guy back." That's for sure. If this loss actually pulls Gil out of his dark funk, I'll strike it from the Worst of the Weekend record.

The Charlotte Bobcats: Thanks to scoring only 74 points against the Trail Blazers, the 'Cats have now been held below 80 points in five of their nine games. Not surprisingly, they rank dead last in the league in Offensive Efficiency (89.6 Points Per 100 Possessions). Charlotte is like the Special Education class of NBA offenses. Maybe they could petition David Stern for extra wide rims?

The Oden Watch: Big Greg fouled out in 17 minutes against the Charlotte Bobcats.

The New Jersey Nyets: The Nyets were going to win! They really, really were! But then fate stepped in and said, "Yeah...it's not gonna happen for you tonight, boys." New Jersey was up by three (78-75) when Quentin Richardson banked in a three-pointer with 25 seconds to go. Despite falling victim to a crap shot, the Nyets went up by two (80-78) when Brook Lopez scored on a tip-in with 4.1 seconds left. This meant that, if they could simply play defense for four ticks, the Nyets would earn win number one of the season. But it was not to be:

Did you notice that Dwyane Wade actually fumbled the ball before sinking the game-winner? Somehow that made New Jersey's failure even more painful. They are now 0-10. Said Nyets coach Larry Frank: "I feel terrible for our guys. We lay it all out there and to get beat like that, I'm just sick to my heart for them. It hurts. I feel so bad because the effort was extraordinary. We just fell short."

The Minnesota Timberwolves: The Memphis Grizzlies entered their game with the T-Wolves losers of seven straight games. Sing it with me, people: When you cannot win...and you don't look good...who ya gonna call?! Slumpbusters! And that's the Timberwolves, who were without Al Jefferson (death in the family) and Kevin Love (busted hand). Oh, 10 consecutive losses for Minny, by the way.

The Golden State Warriors: It's got to suck to score 125 points on 56 percent shooting and still lose. Welcome to Warriors World, a strange alternate reality in which defense does not exist. Brandon Jennings, Milwaukee's rookie point guard, dropped a double nickel on Golden State. That's right: a double nickel. Jennings' 55 points eclipsed the Bucks' previous franchise scoring record for a rookie set by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who scored 51 points on February 21, 1970. Not only that, it currently stands as the fifth-highest scoring explosion by a rookie in league history, trailing two 58-point outbursts by Wilt Chamberlain in 1960, a 57-point game by Rick Barry in 1965, and a 56-point performance b y Earl Monroe in 1968. And the Warriors let that happen after Jennings went scoreless in the first quarter! MAJOR HISTORIC FAIL.

The San Antonio Spurs: Tim Duncan and Tony Parker returned just in time for...a home loss to the Oklahoma City Thunder?! What. The. Fuck. The Spurs were -10 in Points in the Paint, -9 on Free Throw Attempts, -7 in blocked shots, -2 in rebounds...I mean, basically, they got outplayed. At home. By the Thunder. I cannot wrap my head around this.

Update! Memphis GM Chris Wallace: From Wild Yams: "BTW, we should have some kind of mention on here for Memphis GM Chris Wallace and his signing of Jamaal Tinsley. Kudos, Mr. Wallace - it's pretty impressive to find a locker room cancer equal to the task of filling Allen Iverson's shoes the way you did on such short notice like that. I don't think I would have been able to come up with Tinsley's name if asked for potential cancers who could fill in that role that is apparently now vacated by Iverson, but that's why you're the NBA GM instead of me. I mean, who knew that the role of "locker room cancer" needed to be filled in the first place, or that it wasn't already being filled adequately by Zach Randolph? Way to go, Mr. Wallace, you truly exemplify Basketbawful."

Chris's Saturday Lacktion Report:

Hornets-Hawks: Sean Marks fouled once for a +1 suck differential in 1:51 for the Hornets.

Celtics-Pacers: Doc Rivers's self-coached team has now lost two games, but at least the lacktators are getting valuable experience with securities investments, with Lester Hudson and JR Giddens each scoring exactly 1 trillion and appearing in the ledger on consecutive nights!!!

Pistons-Wizards: DaJuan Summers spent 4 minutes on the floor for Detroit with two missed field goals (once from the steps of the Library of Congress) and two fouls for a +4. Meanwhile, Washington's Dominic McGuire is having a season of lacktion worthy of the REAL Washington Generals, this time tossing a Koopa shell for a 23 second Mario. Teammate Javale McGee did block two shots in 2:54, only to foul thricely and lose the rock and brick once each for a 4:0 Voskuhl!

Blazers-Bobcats: ~~Travis Outlaw gave the rock up once to Bowser for a +1 within a 50 second Mario.~~ (Lacktion negated due to injury)

Nets-Heat: In a nerve-wracking match that saw Miami nearly lose to the winless Red Army Guards, James Jones just had enough time to take down a 1.55 trillion.

Warriors-Bucks: As Brandon Jennings racked up the points, Dan Gadzuric racked up the wealth with a 3 trillion!

Ben Gordon: The Pistons dropped a winnable game at home, losing 95-90 to the red-hot Dallas Mavericks. Detroit might have won this one if not for the failings of BG, who had one of the worst shooting/scoring nights of his career while getting lit up by rookie Rodrique Beaubois (14 points on 6-for-6 shooting, including 2-for-2 on threes). In 41 minutes of furious lacktion, Gordon scored 5 points on 1-for-16 shooting (0-for-6 from downtown) and finished with more turnovers (4) than rebounds and assists (3). According to ESPN Stats and Information, it was Little Ben's worst shooting performance in a game in which he took more than 10 shots. The exclamation point on Gordon's "D'oh!" of a night was when he crunked a potential game-tying three-bomb with two seconds left.

So sayeth Air Gordon: "I was getting great looks at the basket, but I could never get myself into any kind of rhythm. I was getting open, and I can't start turning down shots, but nothing felt good and nothing looked good."

It's so strange, too, because Gordon was so brilliant the previous night (29 points, including his team's final 8 points in a win). And yet, on the second night of back-to-backs...speaking of which, the loss dropped the Pistons to 0-3 on night two of back-to-back games this season. Dismissed as coincidence.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. One night after a big win over the Spurs, the Thunder returned home for the second game of back-to-backs and lost to the Los Angeles Clippers?! The same Clippers who had lost three straight and had choked away leads of nine and 22-points in their last two defeats?! The same Clippers who lost to the Thunder at home four days earlier?! How could that happen? I mean, Kevin Durant scored a season-high 40 points on 14-for-25 shooting, and the Clippers gave up an incredible 25 points on only 12 turnovers. Oklahoma City even snared 18 offensive rebounds. I don't get it. Hey, I wonder if it has anything to do with that whole "second night of back-to-backs" thing? Nah. That's just an excuse...

Mike Dunleavy Sr., quote machine: The predicted 2009-10 Coach of the Year is now 4-7 on the season, but it's a strong 4-7. Just ask him. Said Dunleavy: "We have the ability to play with anybody and win anywhere." He was kidding, right? I mean, he had to be...right?

Shaq: I felt the need to point out that Shaq -- who missed Cleveland's game on Saturday night with a, ahem, shoulder injury -- was traded away from the Phoenix Suns for trash (Ben Wallace) and more trash (Sasha Pavlovic) that was quickly discarded. And yet his replacement, castoff Channing Frye, looks brilliant (20 points and six three-pointers against the Craptors on Sunday night)...and the Suns are an NBA-best 9-2. Addition by subtraction when the player subtracted was the self-proclaimed Most Dominant Ever? It sure looks like it. Maybe that Shaq-for-Marion trade should have been Frye-for-Marion?

Note that Amar''''''''e Stoudemire bounced back from his 2-for-15 brickfest against the Lakers by scoring 30 points for the first time this season and grabbing 8 boards. Interestingly enough, STAT's breakout coincided with the Suns' first two-day break of the season after playing seven games in 10 days. Funny what a few days rest can do. Also note that Steve Nash continued his brilliant start with 23 points, 9 assists, and the game-winning three-point play. How? How is he doing it despite the absence of Mike D'Antoni, the man who made him, and the fact that he suffers from a chronic and painful back condition? Can somebody get Bill Simmons on the line so he can explain this away? Thanks.

The Los Angeles Lakers: Can it be? The Mighty Lakers lost at home to the star-less Houston Rockets?! Some might point to the continuing absence of Pau Gasol, Kobe's groin strain (which might have helped limit him to 5-for-20 shooting), the dual failure of starters Derek Fisher and Lamar Odom (12 points, 5-for-17 from the field) and the misguided shooting of the L.A. bench (6-for-19). But I don't want to offend anybody by making excuses for the Lakers, who played poorly (38 percent shooting, -22 on the boards) and deserved to suffer their first winless weekend in quite a while. But hey, at least Ron Artest had a solid night (22 points, 8-for-16, 6 rebounds, 3 steals) and got to flex and pose for the crowd.

An extra special congratulations goes to the Lakers for getting shown up by Rockets backup center David Andersen, who was 9-for-14 from the field and scored 19 points in only 25 minutes. Said Phil Jackson: "We obviously didn't know the scouting report that well on Andersen. We knew he's a shooter but we didn't see him playing at that level." Whoopsie.

Trevor Ariza: If Lakers management had any lingering regrets about not re-signing Ariza, last night's blundering performance probably wiped them out. Ariza -- who leads the Rockets in scoring with 19.4 PPG -- was 2-for-12 from the field, 1-for-7 from three-point range, and committed a game-high 6 turnovers. Seriously, he was playing so badly I started to think he was a Lakers plant.

Update! Ron Artest: Basketbawful reader DOH commented: "I nominate Ron Artest for throwing Trevor Ariza's shoe off the court. Backyardstyle. But, y'know, Karma is a bitch." Indeed it is.

NBA.com: According to their "Race for the MVP" feature, Steve Nash is one of the league's leading...rebounders?! Oh yes.

Thanks to chinoy316 and Gab V. for the head's up.

Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots: The Patsies -- widely regarded as one of the great clutch teams of the last decade -- led 24-7 in the first half and were up 13 in the fourth quarter...before ultimately losing 35-34. That sound you hear last night was a deep and gutteral "Muwahahahahahaha!!" from stately Bawful Manor.

Belichick has been taking some heat for choosing to go for it on fourth-and-2 from his own 28 with 2:08 to go. As well he should, because it was a bonehead move. But on the other hand, he was ballsy enough to go for the win, no doubt trusting "Tom Terrific," whose supposed one great advantage over Peyton Manning is his ability to convert under pressure. Well, the great Brady couldn't get his team the two yards they needed for the win, after which he had to watch Manning come through in the clutch. Let it be known that, in that fourth quarter, Manning led three touchdown drives to only one for Brady.

By the way, I'd like to nominate former Patriot Rodney Harrison for this week's Stat Curse award. Harrison and former Colts coach Tony Dungy are NBC analysts. Before the game, they were asked to answer the typical inane "Brady versus Manning" questions. Harrison, while looking right at Dungy, said Tom was better because "Brady finishes games. That's why he has three championships and Manning has only one." I swear, I think Tony Dungy was ready to choke a bitch.

Then, of course, Manning went on to finish a game Brady couldn't. I'm just sayin'...

Fail.
Chris's Sunday Lacktion Report:

Clippers-Thunder: Steve Novak shot a brick from, well, Bricktown for a +1 suck differential in 11:54.

Raptors-Suns: Goran Dragic wrote a sorrowful tale of fail with one foul, two giveaways, and a miss from Van Buren Street for a +4 in 5:15.

Rockets-Lakers: Despite a block, Josh Powell accrued a trio of bricks and a pair of fouls in 7:10 for a 2:0 Voskuhl. Adam Morrison bricked once from the Four-Level Interchange for a +1 in 3:10.

Worst of the Night: November 12, 2009 - Shaqtastic Edition

2009-11-13T02:32:00.011-06:00

Yo momma so ugly she looks like you.
Welcome to a Shaqtastic Edition of Worst of the Night! Yes, that's right, the Shaq that's been collecting the "best" "Your Mom" jokes from his 2.5 million Twitter followers for the past month. The Shaq who's been employed by all four teams that played tonight on TNT in the past 5 years. And the Shaq who has finally come to the point that ESPN announcers openly admit to his decline and attribute his departure to greater team success. (This happened the night before during the Suns's beatdown of the Hornets, subsequently getting Byron Scott fired.) So then, Sir Shaq shall lord over today's Worst of the Night.

GAME 1:

This game was OK.
NBA twitter: ShaBron. Seriously. ShaBron. This is the NBA era that we live in.

Anderson Varejao's feelings: The battle between King Crab and Wade was fierce, further emphasized by this sequence of missed dunk and dunk in the first quarter:

Wow. When you get posterized so badly that you prompt a standing ovation from the usually lifeless South Beach crowd, that's something. (Honestly, it took them almost all of the 3rd quarter to get back from the halftime break. Did they stop by the beach mid-game, or were the lines to the toilet just that bad?)

Anyways, while scanning the crowd for reactions, the cameras happen to find Michael Jordan in the crowd. That cues up cameras cutting back to him like four times, and one shot of Wade's new shoes in 4.7 seconds.

A few plays later, things got testy as Varejao and Wade start jawing after a rebound and steal attempt. Reggie Miller used his maternal instincts to correctly assess that Varejao's feelings were hurt, as Varejao continues to talk after double technicals are thrown. I guess that's one way to double your air time on ESPN.

Pat Riley's subtlety: Speaking of MJ, he was chillin' next to Pat Riley for the game, not a mere day after LeBron proclaimed he didn't want to talk about free agency anymore. With Scottie Pippin also in the house. You know, nothing big, just maybe a reminder of one of the great Shooting Guard and Forward duos of all time. Cough. Just let that simmer on medium heat. Later, Riley slipped LeBron a statistics sheet, showing the 1,000,000% increase of hot bikini clad girls if one were to move from Ohio to Florida.

LeBron James: Speaking of which, during Craig Sager's postgame interview, LeBron revealed that he would be changing his number next year from 23 to 6 out of respect for Michael Jordan. Of course Sager had to ask which team the 6 would be playing for, and LeBron gave his best forced media smile. Later, King Crab made another shocking moral decision, declaring all future games of tag would be played with no tag backs.

Also, with 6:07 left in the third, for some reason the jump ball was taking longer than expected. LeBron and Quentin Richardson were engaged in a fiercy battle of footsies, causing an official to come over and point out where to correctly stand. Jump ball fail.

NBA announcing: ...which has now become legendary, after hearing Marv Albert's "hug it out" play by play between Shaq and Wade pregame meeting, followed by Reggie's analysis that would describe the hug as "frosty". This is the NBA era that we live in.

The frosty hug it out.
Ice bags: (channeling inner Jerry Seinfeld) What is the deal with the ice bags? It seems the latest fashion for the 2009-10 NBA season is sporting the ice bag on the bench during the game. Knees, chest, feet, ice bags everywhere. May as well hire personal massage therapists, even professional poker players get those during tournaments.

Sammy Sosa: The night started out with an often seen picture comparing Sarah Palin to Tina Fey. But then they showed a comparison of old and new Sammy Sosa. Oh boy, did the night begin. Charles calling out Sammy Sosa for "going white to get into the Hall of Fame". Amazing. If anyone has a full list of foods mentioned at halftime by Charles, wondering if he was allowed to have them while white, I will need them reported to me with references. And because there's no way the NBA or TNT would republish these pictures, here's some screengrabs:

You complete me.
Update! Reggie Miller, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From RyeNO: "In case you missed it...Reggie Miller during tonight's Heat-Crabs game: 'It was hard going up and soft coming down' -- during a play when Jamario Moon apparently blocked a shot by Michael Beasley that somehow still went in."

GAME 2:

Wow, this sucks huh.
The Phoenix Suns: Let me quickly rattle off the biased homer excuses. 2nd game of a back to back on the road, 4th game in 5 nights, 7th game in 10 nights. A 37 year old is our leading rebounder. Robin Lopez out. Blah blah. Most Suns fans knew this was a throwaway game, but come on, at least make the Lakers work for it so they'd lose in Denver the next night. The Suns kept it sorta close for a while, but it's kinda hard to get the W when no starter other than Nash gets to double figure scoring. One starter in particular...

Amar'''''''''e Stoudemire: In the Suns's hot 8-1 start, one thing stuck out in their only loss to Orlando. It's the only game Goggles played this season with over 20 FGA, finishing 10-21 from the field. So why not bang it inside for Stoudemire against Bynum, Artest and Odom? Amare went a paltry 2-11 in the 1st quarter.

By the way, the Suns are 33-36 in games where Stoudamire attempts at least 20 shots. Thankfully he stopped tonight at 2-15. But bang it on the inside you say? Prior to this game this season, 42% of Stat's shots were jumpers, at 42.9% eFG%. Finally:

2NDQ, 3:12 PHO - A. Stoudemire misses a slam dunk

Of course, this was trumped later by Dragic's dead ball open lane missed dunk.

Sasha Vujacic: THE MACHINE apparently mistook Kobe for his new girlfriend, (Tangent: The jealousy burns deep in this author's heart. Okay, back to the bawful.) and rushed to protect him when things got testy with Jason Richardson. This is all too easy, that even Reggie picked up immediately on an emasculation joke. If you see a replay, be sure to check out Jared Dudley's face, which expresses a perfect "wow, this was the worst fight prevent ever".

Free Throw shooting: Only fitting for such economic problems in these two states that both teams would squander so many free points. Ughh. 18-29 (62.1%) for the Suns, 7-18 (38.9%) for the Lakers.

Officials: #29 S. Javie, #12 V. Palmer, #38 M. Smith. I'm just sayin'. Even Nash had to bust out the hand goggles at Violet Palmer's bawful.

If you have a higher res version of this picture, please for the love of all things bawful post it.
Update! Here's the video. Apparently the gesure is a Junior Birdman thing, which was totally new to me. But it opened up a new world of understanding. Remember that scene in the 1989 Batman flick when Batman/Michael Keaton had just blown up the Joker's/Jack Nicholson's chemical factory, only Joker was hovering overhead in a helicoptor? Joker taunted Bats by singing, "Up in the air Junior Birdman! Missed me!" Well, "Up in the air Junior Birdman" are song lyrics. Who knew? Not me. Anyway, onto the video. -Basketbawful

Lou Amundson: A basketbawsome shout out to benchman Lou, destroyer of the free tacos. Down 116-98 with about a minute to go, Amundson steps upto the line, sinks the first, but misses the second! The suckface Hollywood crowd starts rumbling electricity in the building with the "WE WANT TACOS! WE WANT TACOS!" chant. With the ball back and 35 seconds, Lou puts up the layup...and misses! But he gathers the offensive rebound (his 6th on the night), goes for the putback, YES! AND ONE! I spilled a bit of my Guinness cheering. That was the most exciting stretch of Suns offense tonight.

Lacktion report: Only 2 games? Lacktion can't be defeated that easily. chris never fails to non-deliver the un-suck.

Crabs-Heat: Danny Green and Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson each put on the plumbers' overalls for Mike Brown - but while Green's spent 31 seconds thwacking the POW box in Mario Bros., Jackson took only eight seconds to eat a mushroom and transform into Super Mario!

Thursday afternoon man love

2009-11-12T13:37:00.002-06:00

This picture of 'Sheed getting caught with his boyfriend was sent in by the great Gergo.

This glistening mess of arms, legs and sweaty man love was sent in by the mysterious Mguard.

This fun little game of "just the tip" was sent in by the sensational Stephanie G.

Word of the Day: 20-10-50 guy

2009-11-12T08:23:00.002-06:00

Zach ponders the grim certainty of yet another 20-10-50 season.
20-10-50 guy (twen'-te ten fif'-te gi) noun. A professional basketball player who has averaged at least 20 points and 10 rebounds or assists for a single season, and whose team lost at least 50 games.

Usage example: Not surprisingly, Zach Randolph is the classic 20-10-50 guy.

Word history: This term was coined back in the fall of 2004 during the aftermath of my very first fantasy basketball draft. My buddy Statbuster was giving me hell for drafting Stephon Marbury, who was coming off a season in which he averaged 20.2 PPG and 8.9 APG. The conversation went something like this:

Statbuster: Dude, why would you draft Starbury? The guy's a cancer. He's like a tumor growing on top of another tumor. He's such a cancer, the American Medical Association is considering renaming "chemotherapy" to "stephonotherapy."

Me: Dude, team chemistry doesn't affect fantasy stats. And Marbury has great numbers.

Statbuster: Yep. He's always good for 20 points, 10 assists and 50 losses.

We both broke up laughing, and thus the 20-10-50 guy was born. Statbuster immediately pointed out that the Chicago Bulls traded Elton Brand after two consecutive 20-10-50 seasons. Quipped Statbuster: "That's when the Bulls said, 'Let's trade our best player, because he must be the reason we're losing.'"

I finally unleashed AnacondaHL on this subject, because, after all, he specializes in digging up arcane stats like this. Here are his findings:

20-10-50 guys -- Assists:

Turns out this is pretty rare. In fact, it's happened once: in 1990-91, Michael Adams averaged 26.5-10.5 for the worst defensive team of all time. The only other guy who came close was Tim Hardaway, who in 1992-93 averaged 21.5-10.6 for a Golden State Warriors squad that went 34-48.

20-10-50 guys -- Rebounds:

Now we're cooking! This happened 35 times in league history. AnadondaHL created a nifty spreadsheet full of pretty numbers, but here's the breakdown:

1950s: One guy did it, Neil Johnston of the Philadelphia Warriors, who went 12-57 in 1952-53 despite Johnston's 22.3-13.9.

1960s: It happened 10 times: once each for Elgin Baylor (29.6-16.4 in 1959-60 for the 25-50 Minneapolis Lakers), Bob Pettit (31.1-18.7 in 1961-62 for the 29-51 St. Lous Hawks), Baily Howell (21.6-10.1 in 1963-64 for the 23-57 Detroit Pistons), Gus Johnson (20.7-11.7 in 1966-67 for the 20-61 Baltimore Bullets), John Block (20.2-11.0 in 1967-68 for the 15-67 San Diego Rockets); twice for Willie Naulls (23.4-13.4 in 1960-61 for the 21-58 New York Knicks and 25.0-11.6 in 1961-62 for the 29-51 Knicks); and an amazing three times for Walt "Bells" Bellamy (31.6-19.0 in 1961-62 for the 18-62 Chicago Packers; 27.9-16.4 in 1962-63 for the 25-55 Chicago Zephyrs; and 22.8-15.7 in 1965-66 for the 30-50 New York Knicks).

1970s: It happened 9 times: once each for Elvin Hayes (27.5-16.9 in 1969-70 for the 27-55 San Diego Rockets), Nate Thurmond (21.9-17.7 in 1969-70 for the 30-52 San Francisco Warriors), Bob Kauffman (20.4-10.7 in 1970-71 for the 22-60 Buffalo Braves), Spencer Haywood (29.2-12.9 in 1972-73 for the 26-56 Seattle Super Sonics), Bob McAdoo (25.8-12.9 in 1976-77 for the 30-52 Buffalo Braves...although he was traded that season to the 40-42 New York Knicks), Artis Gilmore (23.7-12.7 in 1978-79 for the 31-51 Chicago Bulls), and Truck Robinson (21.1-11.6 in 1978-79 for the 26-56 New Orleans Jazz...although he was traded that season for the 50-32 Phoenix Suns); and twice for Sidney Wicks (24.5-11.5 in 1971-72 for the 18-64 Portland Trail Blazers and 23.8-10.9 in 1972-73 for the 21-61 Blazers).

1980s: It happened only twice: once each for Terry Cummings (23.7-10.6 in 1982-83 for the 25-57 San Diego Clippers) and Otis Thorpe (20.8-10.2 in 1987-88 for the 28-54 San Antonio Spurs).

1990s: It happened three times: once each for Roy Tarpley (20.4-11.0 in 1990-91 for the 28-54 Dallas Mavericks), Pervis "Out of Service" Ellison (20.0-11.2 in 1991-92 for the 25-57 Washington Bullets), and Derrick Coleman (20.5-10.6 in 1994-95 for the 30-52 New Jersey Nets).

2000s: It has happened eight times so far: once each for Shareef Abdur-Rahim (20.3-10.1 in 1999-00 for the 22-60 Vancouver Grizzlies) and Kevin Garnett (22.4-12.8 in 2006-07 for the 32-50 Minnesota Timberwovles); and twice each for Elton Brand (20.1-10.0 in 1999-00 for the 17-65 Chicago Bulls and 20.1-10.1 in 2000-01 for the 15-67 Bulls), Zach Randolph (23.6-10.1 in 2006-07 for the 32-50 Portland Trail Blazers and 20.8-10.1 in 2008-09*), and Al Jefferson (21.0-11.1 in 2007-08 for the 22-60 Minnesota Timberwolves and 23.1-11.0 in 2008-09 for the 24-58 Timberwolves).

*In 2008-09, Z-Bo became the only player in NBA history to average 20-10 for two 50-loss teams: the 32-50 New York Knicks and the 19-63 Los Angeles Clippers. Even better, Randolph -- currently averaging 20.3 PPG and 10.7 RPG for the 1-6 Memphis Grizzlies -- stands an excellent chance of becoming a 20-10-50 guy for the third time after consecutive trades from two 50-loss teams to another 50-loss team (the Griz were 24-58 last season). In my humble opinion, that marks Z-Bo as the classic 20-10-50 guy.

Worst of the Night: November 10, 2009

2009-11-11T00:24:00.025-06:00

The mere thought of playing against the ~~Wizards~~ Generals is
reason enough for self-man-love to present itself.

Note: With Basketbawful himself unavoidably detained, I am making my WotN debut, with Chris chiming in for a couple quotes and providing the usual lacktion report.

The Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals: Another game, another horrendous loss. Washington put up one of its usual sloppy displays while doing nothing in crunch time en route to a 90-76 loss to the Heat, led by a 41 point effort from the poorly spelled Dwyane Wade. (This is the second time this season D-Wade has put up 40+ points in a game. Yes, both times were against the ~~Wizards~~ Generals, just in case you expected anything less from this team.)

Washington pissed away an 11-point second half lead, and a final turnover snagged by D-Wade with 27 seconds left on the clock could be considered the nail in the coffin, but I’m pretty sure simply being the Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals is the more realistic nail in the coffin. The loss was the fifth straight for Washington, and the sixth consecutive time that the Heat have pummeled them. The Washington bench provided all of two points, and Randy Foye left the game after just over 6 relatively non-contributory minutes (one foul, one brick, but a team-leading +5!) with a sprained ankle.

Gilbert Arenas, Turnover Machine: Say, wasn’t a healthy Agent Zero supposed to be the answer to the Wizards Generals’ woes? Unfortunately, as we all know, Gilbert Arenas comes with a curse. While he did drop 21 points on the Heat (that’s good!), Agent Zero built a brick wall, going 7-for-20 from the field. (That’s bad.) He also managed a meager 4-for-8 performance from the free throw line to prove his shooting woes couldn’t be stopped; they could only be contained. He brought down 5 defensive boards to go with 8 assists and 2 steals. (That’s good!)

However, as said best in the NBA Coast to Coast show on ESPN2, “he had a little turnover issue…” to the tune of 12 turnovers. (That’s bad.) Ten of those turnovers came in the second half of the game, and the rest of his team combined for only 10 additional turnovers. Not the best way to get your team out of a funk there, Gilbert. (Do all those turnovers at least come with a free frogurt?) As noted by the Associated Press game recap: “Arenas was the first NBA player with that many giveaways since Feb. 1, 2007.” Do I really need to say it? …The hell with it, I’m saying it anyway: FAIL.

But hey, at least his +/- stat was only a -9. That’s certainly better than…

DeShawn Stevenson: The line on the box score for +/- for this fine young player displayed a whopping -25. Yep, by far the team leader in letting guys put up points while on the floor. Granted the plus/minus stat is a flawed metric, but I’m just sayin’…

"Take a closer look, Coach. Do you still think my beard's sheer awesomeness
forcing the Heat to stop in their tracks and stare isn't good defense?"

The Charlotte Bobcats: Shooting 11.8% from downtown is usually not a good sign for your chances to win. This held true in the Bobcats’ 93-81 loss to the Magic. ~~Ron Jeremy’s~~ Stan Van Gundy’s Magic dominated the game, leading by as much as 22, and the Bobcats just never put up a fight. Boris Diaw’s 7-for-18 performance, including 0-4 from behind the arc, was one of the best contributions from the starters, which kind of puts into perspective how this game went down. Raymond Felton’s 5-for-5 effort at the charity stripe helped him be the only Bobcat to finish with a positive +/- rating. Everyone else on the team languished in mediocrity, putting up just enough points to not get embarrassed, but not enough to keep them from adding another notch to the Loss column.

"I'll be back to shoot the next scene with a few minutes,
I'm almost done beating the Bobcats. Is my fluffer ready?"

Vince Carter: Okay, so Vinsanity contributed quite a bit coming off the bench for the Magic, and gave them an option they didn’t have when he was resting his ankle. That’s all fine and good. However, statistical fail cannot be ignored on this blog: Vinsanity provided 15 points, but it was on a 5-for-16 from the field shooting effort. That’s a whopping 31%, to put it further in perspective. Yes, Vince, your team won in spite of those numbers. But you also were played the Bobcats, so that doesn’t really count for all that much.

UPDATE! Per Wouter in the comments section:
"Vince Carter on not starting for only the eighth time in 781 career games. He nearly missed the game because of a "tender" left ankle that miraculously healed after walking to the hotel.. in the rain:

"[Van Gundy] was like, 'Cool, you're going to guard Raja [Bell],' " Carter said. "I said, 'Uh, can I come off the bench?' He was like, 'What? Are you sure?' First of all, I wasn't in shootaround so I didn't really get the game plan. I didn't want to disrupt what was going on."

We all knew Carter hates playing defense, but he didn't want to start just so he didn't have to defend Raja Bell? The same Raja Bell who is basically playing with one hand after contemplating season-ending surgery to repair a partially torn ligament in his left wrist??? This is yet another reason why Carter will never.. oh nevermind."

Larry Brown, Understatement Machine: “We gave up 22 points on turnovers. We were just careless.” Careless, sloppy, bawful... same difference.

"I can’t believe I just had to actually watch an entire Bobcats game!"

The Houston Rockets: Clutch the Bear is most likely not up to his usual shenanigans tonight after his Rockets were beaten down in a high scoring affair, losing 121-103. After letting the Mavericks go on a 22-3 run that began late in the first half, the Rockets never could regain their momentum. This is despite coming out of the gate strong with their highest-scoring first quarter of the season, and holding a 56-39 lead at one point in the second quarter! The Rockets allowed the previously-slumping Mavs to make over 55% of their shots. The brickfest exhibited by Houston did not help their cause very much: Shane Battier went 1-for-8 from the field, Trevor Ariza had a slightly less embarrassing 3-for-10 performance, and Chase Budinger came off the bench for put up a 1-for-7 stinker of a shooting performance.

The Chicago Bulls: They might have only lost by one point in a valiant effort against the Nuggets, but letting John Salmons jack up brick after brick in a 3-for-13 effort probably didn’t help their cause. Letting ~~Scrappy-Doo~~ Brad Miller take the final shot is usually not the best idea in the world; however, it almost worked here as he buried his jumper from the top of the key. Unfortunately, despite the initial jubilation from the United Center crowd, “almost” isn’t good enough when the NBA can go back and do video replay reviews on last-second shots. With Miller’s bucket overturned, the Nuggets limped away with the win, and punched every Bulls fan in the building firmly in the gut. (Sorry, Mr. McHale.) As Chris noticed, because of that one millisecond that cost the Bulls the game, Miller's negative stats once again came to the fore, as will be revealed in the lacktion report.

Don’t worry guys – the NBA refs are here to save the day!

Carmelo Anthony: While his Nuggets did win the game, Carmelo asserted his team leadership with a dismal 8-for-22 shooting effort, gathering only 3 assists (which were offset by 4 turnovers, by the way). His 20 points represented his lowest scoring effort yet this season. In full disclosure, I didn’t get to actually see this game, but I somehow get the feeling some of these missed shots helped contribute to Joakim Noah’s career-high 21 rebound night.

The Memphis Grizzlies: I know, it’s shocking to see the Grizzlies show up on the WotN, right? Shooting 37% from the field at home will do that to a team. The Grizzlies lost 93-79 to Portland in a game where they shot a particularly poor 4-for-16 in the first quarter. Also, allowing Portland to go off from behind the arc on a 9-for-18 three point shooting performance probably wasn’t a good strategy. It’s called a hand in the face. Try it sometime, guys. You’d be surprised. Seriously. Amazingly, Memphis managed to put up a double digit assist total, but just barely, finishing up the game with 11 total team assists. Memphis has not managed to defeat the Trailblazers since March 29, 2007, not that this should really surprise anyone. After all, the Grizzlies have now lost six consecutive games this season, and it’s not looking to get much better any time soon, no matter what the roster looks like.

Allen Iverson/The Not Answer/The Cancer: Still AWOL.

Z-Bo’s Hard-As-An-Anvil Head: Hasheem Thabeet’s ability to showcase his lacktion skills has been taken away temporarily after a nasty collision under the basket with Zach Randolph left Thabeet with a broken jaw - only a minute or so into his first appearance! Upon seeing this clip on ESPNNews, I shed a single tear for Chris’s lacktion report.

The Oden Watch: Everyone’s favorite sophomore octogenarian racked up another five personal fouls. Greg Oden has committed 5 personal fouls in six out of eight games. He committed 4 fouls in one of the other games, and amazingly only one (1!) foul against Minnesota on November 8th. A blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes, I suppose, even if the blindness is the result of old age and macular degeneration.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: After looking surprisingly decent recently, the Thunder lost a heartbreaker to the lowly Sacramento Kings, bricking a last second three for a 101-98 road loss. The Thunder only shot 39% from the field, led by Kevin Durant’s 9-for-23 effort in a 37 point night that included 18 foul shots, all of which he sank. This game was, as Chris put it, “not particularly memorable.” Mediocrity between two underperforming teams usually isn’t the most exciting thing to watch. The only moment that really stood out for Chris was “Durant giving up the rock immediately after regaining possession in the wake of the Kings blocking a Thunder shot.” Okay, I can see why that moment stood out.

The Sacramento Kings: Winning this suckfest of a game was a major accomplishment for the Maloofs. This is the first time their team has been at .500 since December 4th, 2006. That’s such a depressing stat, it had to get its own entry in the WotN.

Lacktion Report: While our head writer and namesake was watching lacktion in person, Chris was documenting it for the rest of us to enjoy:

Magic-Bobcats: DeSagana Diop dropped the rock twice for a +2 suck differential in 3:29 that doubled as a 2:0 Voskuhl, while fellow Bobcat Gerald Henderson bricked once from downtown for a +1 in 2:30.

Wizards-Heat: Nick Young bricked once and took down a foul for a +2 in 2:32, ~~matched by Randy Foye in 6:30.~~ while Randy Foye's ledger appearance has been reassessed as it came due to injury. A third Wizard appeared in tonight's report, as the fabulous Fabricio Oberto did score a board in 16:49 but nullified that with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Rockets-Mavs: Brian Cook fried up a 3.35 trillion for Houston, while Dallas's Quinton Ross earned a +5 in 13:19 by fouling thricely, bricking once and taking a rejection as well.

Nuggets-Bulls: Had Brad Miller been given an extra tenth of a second for the game-winning shot, he wouldn't be in the ledger for his 14:10 appearance, in which he had also made a field goal earlier in the night, as well as rebounding twice. But four fouls and two giveaways result in a 6:4 Voskuhl upon video review!!!!

Thunder-Kings: Kevin Ollie puppeted three fouls for a +3 in 10:55.

Space aliens...will wonder where humans went astray.

2009-11-10T20:29:00.006-06:00

I don't know what conspiracy has piqued theorists more in the last two decades - crop circles, or the Ewing Frozen Envelope . Then again, how would we know when the world of flattened wheat rarely intersects with that of the Association?

Notice I said "rarely," as opposed "never."

That's because...it finally has, with this stunning tribute to King Crab in the metropolis of Milford Center, Ohio. (Shockingly, the construction of this monument at Little Darby Creek does not appear to have come by way of the same royal decree that banished Braylon Edwards to the Meadowlands.)

More thought was placed into building this maze than in any of Mike Brown's "coaching" strategies.

I assume that the Crabs logo on LeBron's carbohydrate-loaded jersey is incomplete, for the purpose of conveniently changing it to whatever team he ends up with in the Free Agent Sweepstakes of 2010. Or something like that. I also assume that when extraterrestrials dp visit, they'll wonder why we live in a world where we haven't traveled to the moon since Cincinnati had a presence in the Association, but yet have enough time to assemble this.

Or maybe they'll wonder why Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson still awaits his own wheatfield shrine.

Worst of the Night: November 9, 2009

2009-11-10T07:46:00.005-06:00

Sometimes 146 -- as in points given up -- really is the lonliest number.
The Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers got what seemed like a pretty favorable matchup last night: the Suns on the second game of back-to-backs at the tail end of a five-game Eastern Conference road trip. Phill even built what looked like a reasonably comfortable 12-point halftime after the Suns came out flat for the first two quarters. Enter Steve Nash, who registered the first 20-20 in points and assists (21 points, 20 assists) since January 2, 2006...when he did it against the Knicks in New York with 28 points and 22 assists. But of course, Mike D'Antoni -- who's currently coaching the Knicks -- made Nash. Nash was nothing before D'Antoni coached him. Why, Chris Duhon put up Nash-like numbers last season. Okay, was my sarcasm obvious? I hope so.

Anyway, Phoenix outscored the Sixers 65-49 in the second half to take a 119-115 victory. So much for fatigue, huh? Nash, of course, ran the rally, scoring 9 of his points in the third quarter and then dishing two critical assists to Jason Richardson (who converted a three-point play and dropped in a layup) to turn a 106-106 tie to a 113-108 lead with about a minute and a half left to go. That was pretty much the game.

Said Andre Iguodala: "We should have had it. We were up and couldn't hold it."

Bawful note: Jared Dudley helped burn Philly with 18 points on 6-for-7 shooting (4-for-5 from downtown). Not to keep blowing Nash or anything, but Jared Dudely scored 18 critical points. But I suppose Mike D'Antoni is responsible for that, too.

Elton Brand: The 80 Million Dollar Man contributed 10 points, 2 rebounds and a plus-minus score of -5 in 21 minutes of PT. Sadly (for Philly fans), the Sixers might have won if Elton had only played as well as Jared Dudley (who also had 5 boards and 3 steals). And how's this for a damning statistic: the 76ers fell to 16-20 in games in Elton Brand has played...whereas they're 28-25 in the games he's missed. A bargain at just under $14 million per year. Clippers fans rejoice!

More from Brand-themed bawful from Clifton:

From the AP recap of the Suns-Sixers game:

...Elton Brand also had 10 for Philadelphia.

"It's a little frustrating not to get the win," Brand said. "We need W's."

Brand: 21 minutes, 4-of-8 from the field and 2 FT's for 10 big points, 2 boards, 1 assist; he left the game with 4:30 to go in the 3rd, never to return. I'm sure it's "a little frustrating" to the rest of the team when your "star" puts up numbers like that.

The New York Knicks: Despite being coached by The Man Who Made Steve Nash, the Bricks fell to 1-7 after losing at home to a struggling Utah Jazz squad that floundered into Madison Square Garden at 2-4. New York shot only 43 percent for the game, shanked eight free throws and missed 21 of their 29 three point attempts. Notable non-contributors included Chris "I'm no Steve Nash" Duhon (8 points, 2-for-7, 4 assists, -15) and Big Shot Larry Hughes (3-for-12). The win snapped Utah's five-game losing streak at MSG. Said Carlos Boozer: "I don't think I'd won here since I've been in a Jazz uniform. It's good to get a win here." I bet Boozer also enjoys beating little girls at Candy Land, which is only slightly harder than beat the Knicks at home these days.

Said D'Antoni: "We just tried to make them play a different game. Kirilenko got hot and that's something that hurt us. But I thought we tried. We had energy and we were active." The New York Knicks: Leading the League in Moral Victories! Not to be confused with actual victories.

Statistical note: D'Antoni's "Run 'N Gun" Bricks have scored only 90 PPG over their last four games.

The Toronto Raptors: Not only have the Spurs kinda-sorta sucked this season, they were without the services of Tim Duncan (ankle, extreme old age) and Tony Parker (ankle, extreme Frenchness). Never fear...the Craptors are here! Despite shooting 60 percent from the field and 64 percent (11-for-17) from downtown, the Mighty Dinos lost by giving up 131 points to a San Antonio squad missing its two best players. The Spurs shot 44 free throws (mmmm, home cookin'!) and got 18 points out of...Matt Bonner?! Hell, right before halftime, Bonner swooped in for a two-handed jam. Yes, failing to defend the Red Rocket helped croak the Craptors. DEFENSIVE FAIL.

Said Chris Bosh: "You can't give them any confidence. We did the opposite, we gave them confidence." You also did the opposite of winning, Chris. I'm just sayin'.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: To say the Golden State Warriors have been struggling lately is kind of like saying that Michael Bay could benefit from a Movie Making 101 class. (Seriously, Michael, you gave Devastator a nutsack in Transformers II? Really?! Oh ha fucking ha. Balls are always funny! Would you like to take a huge, steaming dump on any more of my childhood memories? God, I hate you, Michael Bay.) Anyway, considering the circumstances -- playing a truly craptastic team that was fresh off humilating beatdowns by the Clippers and Kings -- you'd have thought the T-Pups had a chance in this one. And if by "chance" you meant "giving up 146 points and losing by 41," you would have been 100 percent correct. This smackdown was so torturous that President Obama is considering canceling the rest of Minnesota's games forever.

It hurts...
The Warriors blistered Minny with 57 percent shooting (52 from beyond the arc) and earned 38 foul shots. Golden State scored 42 points off the fast break and notched 66 points in the paint. Moreover, the Warriors scored 47 points off the 28 turnovers the Timberpups committed. Seriously, this beating was so bad, I half-expected an ancient-looking Al Jefferson to drive up in a DeLorean with Christopher Lloyd and say, "Oh no, Doc! We were too late! WE WERE TOO LATE!"

It really hurts...
For the record, the 146 points is the most by Golden State since April Fool's Day in 1994 when the Warriors also had 146 points...against the Minnesota Timberwolves. (Historical note: The T-Wolves' starting lineup back then was Isaiah Rider, Christian Laettner, Chuck Person, Michael Williams and Stacey King. Doug West and Thurl Baily were coming off the bench. The team went 20-62. So, really, Minnesota fans...things have been worse! Sort of!) The Warriors also snatched 22 steals, which was the team's most in a single game since 1989.

Please, just make it stop...
Said Minny coach Kurt "Clothelined" Rambis: "We've maintained from the beginning this is going to be a process, this is not something that's going to turn around in the first 10 games of the regular season. We knew we were going to take some lumps. Until we have an idea of a nice starting unit and a set rotation where guys can feel comfortable and when they're going to play, we're probably going to continue to play up and down and be inconsistent." Wow. That's like General Custer saying he knew he was going to be slaughtered at the Little Big Horn.

No, really, are we done yet...?
Don Nelson, cold, hard reality machine: It's safe to say Nellie wasn't exactly impressed by his team's merciless thrashing of a helpless opponent: "You have to understand that our two wins were against teams that are struggling so I wouldn't make too much out of it."

Stephen Jackson: Even some unnamed teammates want Captain Jack out of Oakland. Important question, though: does any other NBA team want the headache? Maybe he and Allen Iverson can retire together.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Whew! And here I was starting to wonder if they were who we thought they were. After scraping up a couple surprising victories -- and let's face it, every Clippers win is a surprise -- the Other L.A. Team returned to their losing ways, falling by 28 at home to a bawful Hornets team that, lately, has been getting dissected more cruelly than a Michael Bay movie. (By the way, Pearl Harbor sucked ass.) And it's not like the Hornets played great. The Clippers just sucked.

Said Chris Kaman: "We didn't come mentally prepared for this game, and that's why we lost. ... Nobody played great for us." Well, that's a prime candidate for Understatement of the Year. Or the decade. Or the last-half century.

Added Mike Dunleavy (a.k.a. the predicted 2009-10 Coach of the Year): "We stopped doing the things that have been so good for us so far. We've been moving the ball and getting good shots for ourselves, but we missed some guys that were open, and didn't share the ball as well." Translation: "We suck long and hard. Fire me. Please, God, fire me."

More Clippers-related bawfulry from NarSARSsist:

Let's not neglect to give a shout out to the Clippers' bawesome, bawesome defense, as they held Devin Brown to a mere 25 points on 8-for-14 shooting. This is Brown's highest output since April 10, 2007, when he played -- you guessed it -- the Clippers. Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Lacktion Report: There were some lacktating NBAers who had a real case of the Mondays...as Chris points out:

Suns-Sixers: As the post-Shaq, post-Marion, post-D'Antoni Suns keep rolling, the important contributions of non-contributors become more key in an effort to preserve leads and confirm victories. Jarron Collins's 1.95 trillion serves as the first piece of evidence that Phoenix IS for real this season! Could he be this year's Jud Buechler!?

Jazz-Knicks: Jordan Hill's 1.9 trillion may be enough for him to finally afford a nosebleed seat at MSG.

Raptors-Spurs: Gregg Popovich will be in the Hall of Fame due to his tendency to mostly avoid winning Coach of the Year awards, and tossing the Paperboy cartridge to Malik Hairston is one example of his successful coaching style, as that led Hairston to a 54-second Mario.

Wolves-Warriors: Minnesota's Ryan Hollins repudiated lacktivity on the surface by making one out of two field goal attempts in 18:36; however, five fouls and a giveaway against those two points and a couple of boards led to a 6:4 Voskuhl.

Hornets-Clippers: DeAndre Jordan attempted to go AWOL on the ledger with a one-shot 100% shooting percentage in 14:13, but the addition of two boards could not ultimately stop the negative momentum of fouling four times and giving up the rock thricely for a 7:4 Voskuhl. (Conversely, fellow Clipper Kareem Rush ruined a potential suck differential score by somehow jumping into the path of a New Orleans field goal attempt.)

DeAndre thus is the fourth player in the Association this season to rack up multiple Voskuhls, after Jarron Collins, Hasheem Thabeet, and Nazr Mohammed.

Worst of the Weekend: No Answer To Be Found Edition

2009-11-08T21:23:00.008-06:00

The Washington Wizards: Health isn't the problem for the Wizards this season...they just aren't very good. In fact, they're just plain bad. How bad? Let me put it this way: the Pacers barely shot 40 percent from the field and still bet the ~~Wizards~~ Generals by 16 points. Washington hit only 39 percent of their field goals, missed 11 of their 16 three-point attempts, shanked 11 of their 26 fouls shots, and gave up 22 points on 19 turnovers. For good measure, they were also outscored 23-6 in fast break points. As ~~Wizards~~ Generals coach Flip Saunders put it: "I'm very disappointed. Our effort was poor. We turned the ball over way too much. I told the guys I'm going to have to take responsibility." Really, Flip? How many turnovers did you commit?

Gilbert Arenas: Huh...13 points, 5 assists, 3 turnovers and a game-worst plus-minus score of -24. I'm just sayin'.

The Detroit Piston's foul shooting: And how very foul it was. After falling behind by 17 points after one quarter, the Pistons rallied to make a game of it before losing by only seven points. The final score might have been closer -- indeed, Detroit might even have pulled out a win -- if they hadn't missed 14 free throws (23-for-37). In all fairness, Kwame Brown (0-for-4) and Jonas Jerebko (3-for-8) were the main culprits.

The Orlando Magic defense: Instead of cruising in for a comfy-cozy win, the Magic almost made an easy victory disappear by letting Charlie Villanueva go nuts during a 22-point fourth-quarter explosion. That's right. Charlie Villanueva. Beyond that, Orlando let Detroit shoot nearly 52 percent for the game. Hey, weren't these guys one of the best defensive teams in the league last season? Said Dwight Howard: "We haven't played good enough defense to be a great team. We have to try and be great every night, and that's just not happening yet." Added ~~Ron Jeremy~~ Stan Van Gundy: "We're not playing smart enough. We didn't play enough defense and for too many minutes we were just hanging on to win a regular-season game. We aren't making the push to be great. I don't know if we will. We'll have to see."

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers were playing at home against a short-handed New Jersey Nyets team. How shorthanded were they? The Nyets lost Courtney Lee early in the third quarter with a leg injury, and they were already without Keyon Dooling (hip surgery), Chris Douglas-Roberts (flu), Devin Harris (strained right groin), Tony Battie (right knee), Yi Jianlian (sprained right knee) and Jarvis Hayes (strained left hamstring). Mind you, even long-handed the Nyets were terrible. But Philly still barely managed to hold on for a 97-94 win that should be filed under "moral defeats."

The Atlanta Hawks: The Dirty Birds are supposed to be all sorts of awesome. Meanwhile, the Bobcats look like one of the worst teams in the league. Even worse for the 'Cats, their star player, Gerald Wallace, went 3-for-14 from the field. So of course the Hawks lost by 20. And here's some salt in that ugly wound: Charlotte came in the game averaging an NBA-low 79.8 PPG -- the only time they broke 80 was a double-overtime game against the Knicks -- but still managed to dump 103 points on the Atlanteans. And team captain Joe Johnson, who becomes a free agent next summer by the way, had some harsh words for his teammates: "Everybody who touches it wants to score. I really think guys on this team don't know their roles, so it's killing us. And it's going to continue to kill us. Ain't no way this team is 20-some points better than us. It can't continue to go like this."

For the record, Johnson shot 5-for-12 and finished with 1 lonely assist and a game-worst plus-minus score of -23. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

The Boston Celtics: They suffered their first loss -- in Boston no less -- despite Kevin Garnett's best game of the season (26 points, 13-for-20, 8 rebounds, 4 assists, 2 steals and a block). This happened in part because their defense went MIA as Phoenix scorched the nets by shooting 50 percent from the field and 54 percent from downtown. The Suns' 110 points was a season-high for Celtics opponents. In fact, it was the first time Boston gave up more than 90 points this season. Even more damning, Jason Richardson went into LeBron Mode, scoring 36 points (10-for-16) and grabbing 10 boards.

The C's rallied in the fourth, but they went a little three-crazy, particularly Rasheed Wallace, who went 0-for-6 for the game...including 0-for-5 in the final quarter. Said Doc Rivers: "The only thing I didn't like, with 3 1/2 minutes left, instead of searching for wide-open two-pointers, we went into 3 mode. And I didn't think we had to do that. That, to me, was uncharacteristic of us."

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Sure they got blown out 87-72 by a horrible Bucks team, and yeah they've started the season only 1-5. But on the bright side, they only gave up 13 points off the 22 turnovers they committed. That's something...right?

The New Orleans Hornets: Is Chris Paul going to have to choke a bitch? Maybe. This season's latest low for the Hornets was a 107-90 home loss to the Craptors despite 21 points, 7 rebounds and 18 assists from CP3. Mind you, this is the same Toronto team that recently gave up 115 points to the Memphis Grizzlies...which makes New Orleans' 90 points seem all the more pathetic.

Defense might have been an issue for the Bourbon Street Buzzers, considering the Craptors went 11-for-18 from beyond the arc in the second half. The eight treys they nailed in the third quarter set a franchise record for any quarter. Said Byron Scott: "Out of the eight 3-pointers made, I saw us contend two. I saw a lack of energy. For the life of me, I can't understand why we came out without any energy." If Scott is still employed by the All-Star break, I'll be very surprised.

Mike Brown, letting-us-know-who's-who machine: After King Crab scored 33 points in a routine 100-91 drubbing of the Knicks, Brown said: "LeBron was obviously LeBron." All that was missing was 'Bron speaking in third person. Then we'd really know who LeBron is.

Larry Hughes, quote machine: In the first quarter, King Crab dropped 19 points (8-for-9) on his old buddy Big Shot Larry, who said: "I did my job in making him take tough shots and he did his job in making those tough shots." Uh...good job, Larry.

The Golden State Warriors: What's that smell? Dookie, perhaps? No, that poop smell is actually the Golden State Warriors, who lost by 28 points at home to...the Clippers?! Oh dear, sweet, merciless God. How does that even happen? The Other L.A. Team shot an unthinkable (especially for them) 58 percent from the field. Even freaking Sebastian Telfair scored 13 points on 6-for-12 shooting. And lest you think they made up for it offensively, I should point out Golden State shot 34 percent and committed 19 turnovers. Said Anthony Morrow: "We really just fell apart." No kidding.

Stephen Jackson, martyr machine: After the Clippers got done beating his team like a baby seal, Captain Jack said: "If you're going to blame somebody, I'll take the blame. I've been doing it since I got here." Aww. Poor Jackie. Hey, Stephen, here's a coupon for a free hug, redeemable at any time.

The San Antonio Spurs: After restocking in the offseason, the Spurs were supposed to win 60-plus games and possibly dethrone the Lakers in the West. And yet, after losing 96-84 to the Blazers in Portland, San Antonio is 0-3 on the road and 2-3 overall. And don't blame the new guys...the Spurs' Big Three of Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili combined to shoot 10-for-32 from the field. Oh, and Parker had to leave the game with a sprained ankle. Bad times all around.

After the dust had settled, San Antonio had lost their first three road games for the first time in 16 seasons. And if you're looking for other anti-Spurs evidence, how's this: after finishing with only 14 points against the Blazers, Duncan has scored 15 points or less in four of five games this season.

The Oden Watch: After committing 5 fouls against the Spurs, Greg Oden has committed 5 personals in five out of six games. And in the other game, he committed 4 fouls.

Chris' Friday Lacktion Report:

Hawks-Bobcats: Jason Collins tossed a piece of masonry and gave up the rock once for a +2 suck differential in 3:46, also good for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl. While fellow dirty bird Randolph Morris meowed in celebration once at the charity stripe in a simultaneous stint, he also fouled thricely for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Wizards-Pacers: Fabulous Fabricio Oberto has emerged as a prefab starter to sop up minutes for the Wizards, with surprisingly contributory results. Tonight, in 11:03, he even had a 100% shooting percentage (on one shot) and two helpers - but he also gave up the rock twice and fouled five times, leading to a 7:4 Voskuhl.

Big man bawful spread to Andray Blatche, who soured a 15:28 that had two blocks, one made free throw, and three boards with four fouls, five bricked field goals, and a giveaway for a 5:3 Voskuhl of his own.

Pistons-Magic: Ben Wallace chimes into the report today, despite a one-shot 100% shooting percentage and a board in 17:24 as a starter - four fouls leave him with a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Suns-Celtics: While the C's finally lost their first game of the year, it wasn't for lack of effort in the non-contributory category - JR Giddens put on a Tanooki suit for a 5 second Super Mario!!!!!

Raptors-Hornets: The Raptors scavenged effectively in their win over New Orleans. Rasho Nesterovic itched out a board in 6:08, only to foul thricely and add a brick and giveaway to that total, for a 4:1 Voskuhl. Sonny Weems sang loonie tunes to celebrate the minting of 2 trillion! And Patrick O'Bryant countered a rebound in 2:01 with two fouls and a brick for a Madsen-level 2:1 Voskuhl.

Bucks-Wolves: Milwaukee's Kurt Thomas earned a 2:1 Madsen-level Voskuhl in 4:36 via foul and giveaway against board, while Brian Cardinal bricked twice in 4:34 for Minnesota and earned a +2.

Clippers-Warriors: Mikki Moore may have appeared tonight as the starting center at the Oracle, but despite four boards in 18:32, four fouls and three turnovers coupled with a brick led to a 7:4 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Lakers: Memphis's Hasheem Thabeet and Marcus Williams racked up twin 1.1 trillions.

Spurs-Blazers: Portland's Juwan Howard handed down a 1.25 trillion.

Allen Iverson: After scoring 8 points (2-for-5) in a fairly unsurprising 114-98 road loss to the Lakers on Friday night, Allen Iverson...left. As in, left his team. Indefinitely. Supposedly, The Not Answer -- or, as stephanie g called him, The Cancer -- is simply taking a leave of absence for personal reasons. I can only assume that's code for "selfish prima donna who refuses to come off the bench." As Iverson himself put it: "I'm not a reserve basketball player. I've never been a reserve all my life and I'm not going to start looking at myself as a reserve."

I blanch every time someone (as Bill Simmons did in his new book) suggests that Iverson ranks among the all-time greats. Was he a great scorer and a fantastic one-man show? Absolutely. Was he tough as nails? No question. But given the facts and circumstances, would anyone want to have Allen Iverson as a teammate ever again? To me, that says something.

The Denver Nuggets: The previously undefeated Nuggets suffered a winless weekend, and their second loss was a 25-point beating at the hands of a team that had just lost by 20 to the Charlotte Bobcats. If anything, these back-to-back defeats should prove that discussing Carmelo Anthony's eligibility for MVP five games into the season is a tad bit premature. 'Melo was 1-for-8 after halftime, by the way.

The Boston Celtics: Excuse me for not being terribly impressed by a 10-point win over a terrible New Jersey Nyets team that had only eight players available for doodie, er, duty. You'd think that, facing a crippled team, the C's could do a little better than scoring a season-low 86 points, right? Wrong.

Rasheed Wallace: He's 0-for-10 on threes in the past two games.

Bobcats-Bulls: Just call this a game nobody deserved to win. The two teams combined for 39 turnovers. The Bulls couldn't defend the three, the 'Cats couldn't protect their defensive backboards. Even when it looked like Chicago was going to ice the game, they missed five straight free throws in the final 1:20 to keep Charlotte's hopes alive. But, of course, the Bobcats have no hope. And somehow, against all reason, the Bulls sit alone atop the Central Division. In other news, up is down, in is out, and C-A-T actually spells dog.

The Toronto Raptors: Just when it looks like the Craptors might not be as bad as you think...they prove you were right the first time. The Toronto players were props on defense, as Dallas scored 129 points on 62 percent shooting. For some historical perspective, the Mavs hadn't shot that well from the field since November of 2007.

The New York Knicks: When ESPN headline writers start referring to you as "the lowly Knicks," you know there's a problem. Or, in New York's case, a great many problems. The Bricks fell to 1-6 on the season after a 102-87 corn-holing by a lousy Bucks team, and if team management really thinks LeBron James would ever in a gajillion years want anything to do with this team, then I've got a perfect clone of Wilt Chamberlain to sell them. Cheap. No, really, Donnie. Call me.]

Oh, and how bad is the Bricks' defense? Here's what Milwaukee's Brandon Jennings had to say: "They kept giving us a lot of open shots. They were giving us so many easy shots." Wow.

Mike D'Antoni, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "I think we were all stunned. I've taken a licking before, but I don't know what's worse that that."

The Utah Jazz: If the Jazz haven't hit rock botton yet, then they got pretty damn close on Saturday night, losing at home to the Sacramento Kings. And in case you've forgotten: the Kings are without Kevin Martin. To make matters worse, Utah got lit up by rookie Tyreke Evans, who sent 16-for-19 from the line and scored 32 points. It was the second-most points a player 20 years old or younger has ever scored against the Jazz, more even than LeBron James (29 points in January of 2004) or Kevin Durant (29 points in January of 2009). Said Jerry Sloan: "WHY, GOD? WHHHHHYYYYYYY!?"

The Memphis Grizzlies: They fell to 1-6 after a road loss to the Clippers. 'Nuff said.

Chris' Saturday Lacktion Report:

Nuggets-Hawks: Denver's Anthony Carter lost the rock once for a +1 suck differential in 7:31, while Malik Alen mined a 2.25 trillion. Countering this lacktion attack was a successful push of non-effort from several Hawks, starting with Jason Collins's +1 via brick in 2:16. Zaza Pachulia blocked a shot and took down a board in 9:18, but one brick and five fouls led to a 5:1 Voskuhl!

Celtics-Nets: Doc Rivers apparently likes to keep the Wii plugged in, as newcomer Lester Hudson stomped on a Goomba rather quickly for a 4 second Super Mario!

Bobcats-Bulls: Charlotte's Nazr Mohammed wagered on willful lacktivity, and collected in his 3:05 stint with two fouls and a giveaway for a +3 that doubled down as a 3:0 Voskuhl! On the other end of the court, two new mannequins from Vinny Del Negro's squad appeared on the ledger this evening. Jannero Pargo bricked once from the Magnificent Mile and turned the ball over once as well for a +2 in 4:01, while James Johnson earned a +3 in 4:56 via foul, giveaway, and missed shot.

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Pistons were missing Tayshaun Prince (back) and Rip Hamilton (ankle). The Sixers weren't missing anybody. And yet, despite the presence of Elton "The 80 Million Dollar Man" Brand (6 points, 3-for-10), Philly was manhandled inside by Ben Wallace (16 boards) and the rest of the Pistons, who won the rebounding battle 51-39 and outscored them 42-26 in the painted area. Bonus stat: Detroit had 19 offensive rebounds through three quarters...during which time the Sixers yanked down only 17 defensive boards. REBOUNDING FAIL.

Said Willie Green: "This was one of those games where we just couldn't get anything going. It was one of those games that could have gone either way, but they got too many easy baskets in the paint. We need to do a better job rebounding."

The Washington Wizards: The ~~Wizards~~ Generals are morphing back into the same sadsack bunch they were last season, even with Gilbert Arenas. The Phoenix Suns strolled into town and dropped the home team to 2-5, winning by double-digits despite 16 first-half turnovers. Washington's offense was like caked mud, shooting 39 percent and finishing with more turnovers (17) than assists (15). And this too-familiar performance gave Flip Saunders a migraine: "It's been a never-ending thing here lately. We're struggling offensively, and that's putting a lot of undue pressure on the defense. We're just not there. We don't make that one extra pass. We're taking too many contested shots. If we were a hockey team, we'd have no hockey assists -- you know, the pass that leads to the pass." No, Flip. Nobody who watches Wizards basketball knows what a pass that leads to the pass is.

Flip was in such a sour mood, he benched Andray Blatche -- the team's co-leading scorer -- for the final four and a half minutes. Why? Explained Saunders: "He was dead tired. He can't even run up and down the court. He had four straight mental mistakes. Andray can't play the major minutes." Way to instill your player with confidence, Flip. I can't understand why your team turned on you when you were coaching in Detroit...

Amare Stoudemire: Uh...I'm pretty sure that's not legal, Sun Tzu. (Thanks to Shayan for the pic.)

This is the closest you'll ever come to seeing him play defense.
The Orlando Magic: The Magicians were playing yet again without Rashard Lewis (suspension) and Vince Carter (vaginal soreness), and then they lost Ryan Anderson to an ankle injury. But a 28-point loss to the Thunder? Really, guys?! ~~Ron Jeremy~~ Stan Van Gundy was not pleased, and, as usual, he let everybody know about it: "We're not a good basketball team right now. I've been saying that, but nobody's listening. We're totally predicated on shooting. We do not have any kind of defensive mindset, we don't have much toughness and we're not very smart. So, right now we're not a very good team." No fair, Stan. I'm listening. And I totally, 100 percent agree. You're not a very good team right now. Happy?

Bonus bawful: Not only did Orlando shoot a miserable 36 percent (3-for-16 from distance) and shank 13 of their 34 free throws, they let the Thunder hit nearly 60 percent of their shots and 56 percent of their treys. Were they practicing some kind of "no hand in the face" drill or something? Note also that they lost by almost 30 despite having 19 more FTAs than the Thunder.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Kurt Rambis sure has the Triangle sizzling: Minny had five players in double figures. Now if only they'd had one more player score 24 points, they could have won! Instead, they fell to 1-6 and have now lost six straight. Does his inheriting of this crappy team count as a second clotheslining of Rambis by Kevin McHale? I'd like to think so.

The Golden State Warriors: And you thought it couldn't get any worse than a 28-point loss to the Clippers! Well, okay, fair enough, it really can't get much worse than that short of the contents of a Porta-Potty getting dumped on them. But still, losing 120-107 to the Kevin Martin-less Kings was pretty craptastic. I mean, Golden State finished the weekend -41 to the Clippers and Kings. Do we have a flavor of fail for that?

Shayan from the Raptors blog Mediocre Forever wrote in to say: "God I love watching the Warriors crumble further with each game, is that evil? I haven't enjoyed watching an organization this dysfunctional and unintentionally funny since Isiah ran the Knicks. I mean, you have an 'all the players hate him' coach in Don Nelson who's more than worn out his welcome, who is for some inexplicable reason not playing Anthony Randolph (their most promising player) enough, Monta 'The Moped' Ellis proclaiming before the start of the season he can't play with lottery pick Stephen Curry, and then of course, the one and only Stephen 'I don't wanna be here and I ain't backin' away from that' Jackson. And how could you not laugh with his comment like 'Another beatdown, what can I say?' after getting pounded by the...get ready for this...Kevin Martin-less Sacramento Kings!!! If they had cameras on the team 24/7, it would be a reality show hit. And you would watch it, admit it." Actually, I'm not sure I could stand it. It would be like watching rabid dogs being euthanized all day long. That's not exactly chicken soup for the soul.

It was just that kind of weekend for the Warriors...
The New Orleans Hornets: The former "Team of Tomorrow!" suffered yet another loss that brands them as the "The One-Hit Wonder of 2007-08." Due to injury, the Lakers had to replace Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum with DJ Mbenga and Shannon Brown -- yes, you read that correctly -- and yet New Orleans still lost by 16. And it was only that close because of garbage time (the Hornets outscored L.A. 30-22 in the meaningless fourth quarter). Said Mamba: "We believed this was going to be a really, really tough game." Added Phil Jackson: "We had a little easier time than I had anticipated. We were really prepared for a rush that they make in the second half, and they never got to that."

The epitaph of the game -- and maybe of the Hornets as the team -- was spoken by Chris Paul: "They beat us in all aspects of the game. Kobe got going and Mbenga got going, and they looked like the Lakers. ... We're just trying to find something that works. We're missing defense and the ability to score." Oh, you're only missing defense and offense? No problem! That's just...oh, wait...

(P.S. My favorite part of that quote was "...and Mbenga got going...." And Paul was being totally serious. Yikes.)

Bonus bawful: From the AP recap: "New Orleans coach Byron Scott began the trip by bumping shooting guard Morris Peterson from the starting lineup in favor of Brown, who had played just eight minutes all season. Peterson started the Hornets' first six games, but made just 34.1 percent of his shots while playing defense that didn't please Scott. Immediately after the opening tip, Brown turned the ball over to Bryant for a drive and a dunk." COACHING FAIL. I promise Scott won't be the coach by the All-Star break.

The Associated Press, unintentionally dirty headline machine: From the Hornets-Lakers recap: "Lakers coast past Hornets despite lack of size." Hey now, Associated Press. No need to get so personal.

Chris' Sunday Lacktion Report:

Magic-Thunder: Anthony Johnson pulled a 3.6 trillion out of a hat for Orlando.

Five quarters and a full moon: River City bawful!

2009-11-06T12:27:00.002-06:00

So...I survived opening night at the Most Outdated Arena In The History Of The Universe. You might know that one, the local auditorium dating back to Fred Flintstone, Greg Oden's long-forgotten youth, and the viable dirigible transport industry...no modern amenities such as individual seats, or water fountains, or even...ah, I can't do it.

Despite being made of bailing wire, cardboard, and Elmer's glue, the old barn's still holding up somehow.

It's Arco Arena in the tract-house paradise of Natomas, and it may still have wooden floors underneath its red-and-blue chairs (Spud Webb-era colors!), and not enough luxury boxes to prevent the serfs of Sacramento from being able to attend...and for that reason, maybe it turned out to be the most appropriate place for the Not-Answer to make his off-the-pine debut for the Memphis Grizzlies.

So before I begin this photomontage, a brief game recap:

1st quarter: The Kings have no clue a game is going on. Z-Bo almost looks like he's trying in his own half-court.
2nd quarter: A little bit of catch-up as the Grizzlies realize they're not that good at D themselves. K-Mart gets the blue light special going.
3rd quarter: HEY! THE NOT-ANSWER! As Sacramento successfully accedes to his scoring touch, the Grizzlies choose to plant him back on the bench as much as they can.
4th quarter: Leading with a minute to go - nope, can't play defense - luckily, neither did Memphis.
OT: Memphis briefly leads early, a fan waxes nostalgic for The Karate Kid, Z-bo then fouls out, baby cubs score only 4 points the rest of the way and give up plenty more to lose by 11 to a previously winless team. And K-Mart scored 48 points, despite being severely rejected by the rim in the first half?!?!

After that eloquent description, one can see this is the type of game that will be on ESPN Classic someday. (That is, if ESPN Classic had a special on lacktion, instead of rehashing 1980s footage of a certain parquet surface.)

So now, in chronological order, are scenes from a stupefying showdown:

Schwag officially approved by the Association: instant street cred! (In Granite Bay perhaps, but not so much on Meadowview Road...)

So much grease, even Oliver Miller would be taken aback - briefly.

Captain Morgan pose!

K-Mart must be pining for a second career as an architect, considering his admiration of masonry.

Now here's something that must be appreciated in full size: a Freudian slip of a jersey!

Z-Bo wants no part in pre-game bromance!

If Kevin Martin was a thief, his skills would be compared to that of Winona Ryder's.

OJ Mayo must be drinking Red Bull, because he's got wings here.

We talkin' 'bout...not attempting a block?

In comparison, the rim played much better defense than the Not-Answer.

Tyreke Evans and OJ Mayo attempt to reenact "Top Gun."

If Tim Donaghy were here, the red-belted sumo-man would be at the charity stripe right now.

The last time Bobby Jackson was featured on this site...was in doll form.

Bromance DENIED!

Marc Gasol tries to commence a handball match on this basketball court.

K-Mart loses the 40 yard dash to a leather spheroid.

Mr. Martin believes in Jazzercise!

"Hot Streets" by Chicago featuring Donnie Dacus, revived.

Much more elevation than the San Diego Rockets ever had.

Tyreke Evans demonstrates the proper way to surrender, something Andres Nocioni could have used on Wednesday night.

Omri Casspi butts into the picture.

I hope this guy got his money's worth for 11 minutes of viewing interest from his perspective.

Unathleticism: still more calories burned here than on Brian Cook's behalf during his zero-second stint for the Rockets this week!

This may be a paper "sellout," and I may be Mario West in disguise. Right.

Now Marc thinks it's volleyball - where's Misty May when you need her.

The Harlem Globetrotters would probably be proud of this attempted trick...

Unathleticism, part 2. Yes, this guy's boss bet against him on both shots. Yes, the boss won each wager.

In this skit, Slamson plays the part of Manny Pacquiao while Floyd Mayweather, in tonight's crowd, plays...um...himself.

Ladies and gentlemen - former Most Valuable Player, the Not-Answer!!!!

Put your hands in the air like you just don't care: Z-Bo on defense.

Soon to be installed on Capitol Mall is this K-Mart and Z-Bo statue.

Iverson attempts a move straight out of Arch Rivals.

Jason Thompson provides a nice allegory for how both defenses played that night.

Z-Bo makes Spencer Hawes a bit uncomfortable...

Kenny Thomas and Marc Gasol: an arranged bromance.

Z-Bo gets sandwiched, making him consider a future pre-game visit to the Panera Bread on Del Paso Road.

With this sign blocking his ears, no wonder he's having a hard time sensing sound...

Ebenezeer Scrooge would've been happy to see the Kings' allergic nature towards charity in regulation.

End of the fourth: an occasion for hopscotch!?

Omri Casspi attempts to hold the line, hockey-style, with his chest.

Now it's Beno Udrih with the Captain Morgan stance...

Zach Randolph has a mandatory date with the bench, and likely one with the downtown Denny's soon after.

The view from Mr. Morita's eyes, doomed to watch the Kings forever...

And the above pose is the equivalent of Shaq looking at his hot hand, except for the "hot" part.

Alley-oop attempt in garbage time? Nothing unusual about that here, except it's the last minute of the extra period. (Or to put it bluntly, the Grizzlies got outscored 17-4 in the final four minutes of overtime.)

Had Andres Nocioni walked the line as well as K-Mart did, maybe he wouldn't have seen steel bars on Thursday morning...

And so concludes an evening of excruciating defense and scorching offense, one which satisfied my thirst for lacktion. How so?

Well, #24 for the purple paupers, Desmond Mason scored a 6.65 trillion, as seen by his passive accumulation of wealth at the tipoff. Four days later, he was waived, probably due to the Maloofs' envy of Desmond's ability to acquire funding so easily. (Maybe Desmond can give us a downtown stadium now? Yay?)

Worst of the Night: November 5, 2009

2009-11-06T08:02:00.007-06:00

And this is the guy who committed the foul...
The Cleveland Craboliers: The Crabs -- who were 40-2 in Cleveland last season -- have already lost two home games in four tries this season, despite a) having the reigning MVP and Coach of the Year, and b) adding a former MVP, four-time NBA champion and self-proclaimed Most Dominant Ever. They are, according to The Experts, "the most talented team in the league." And yet...their latest home loss came against the Bulls, a team that hasn't even shot as high as 42 percent as a team in a single game this season. That's not supposed to happen, right?

Cleveland's offense is a mess, even by coach Mike Brown's pooptastically low standards. What's more, Chicago's best defender might have been Shaq, who clogged the paint and effectively cut off several of LeBron's driving opportunities. Shades of Wilt Chamberlain and Elgin Baylor on that late 1960s, early 1970s Los Angeles Lakers team. You know, the one that went on a 33-game winning streak and captured an NBA title only after one of those guys left the team (in this case Baylor, who was nudged gently into retirement).

Last year, the Crabs won 66 games because of LeBron and the fact that their team chemistry was off the charts. This year? They still have King Crab, but that chemistry is nowhere to be seen. Nobody's grinning, laughing, or dancing on the bench. Just watch them sometime They don't look like they're having much fun at all. Which is what losing will do to a team.

Mike Brown: Each game that goes by makes his Coach of the Year award look increasingly ridiculous. At one point, he stuck with a lineup that featured both Shaq and Big Z in the frontcourt. Why not just play two statues on defense, Mike? When Brad Miller -- whose speed should be measured by a calendar instead of a stopwatch -- is coasting to the hoop at will, you know there's a problem. Unless, of course, you're 2008-09 NBA Coach of the Year Mike Brown.

Note also that, in the final 1:02 of the game, with the Crabs trailing 86-85, Mo West got two shots (a shanked three and a missed 10-footer) and LeBron got one (the final missed layup). If you're Cleveland, is Williams the guy you want taking the crunch-time shots? Absolutely not. If you're the Bulls? Absolutely. Speaking of which...

Cleveland's final play: End-of-game fail? Yes. It was kind of amazing, though, if you think about it. LeBron was getting his usual superstar calls throughout the game, including one where he busted open Kirk Hinrich's chin and another in which he got an "And one!" despite taking 17 steps after the whistle. (That play had Mike Fratello practically spitting up on himself.) So, with about three seconds left and a one-point Cleveland deficit, I figured King Crab was going to drive, get the call, and sink two foul shots for the win.

Well, he drove all right. He used his massive shoulder to body-block Luol Deng out of his way, but Joakim Noah cut him off. There was some minor contact, after which LeBron flailed his arms like a couple of wet noodles and lost the ball out of bounds. Only...no whistle. Ooooooh, yeah. And, of course, LeBron wasn't happy: "It's a call you think you may get. I felt a push from Deng and some contact over the top from Noah. Enough to put me on the free throw line? Yes. But that’s a judgment call for the officials."

Countered Noah: "I didn't feel like it was even close to being a foul. I wasn't worried because there was no contact at all." While that's not entirely true in the sense of "truth" being actual, provable facts, it was heartening to see the officials swallow their whistles considering how much of that contact was initiated by James.

More from John Krolik of Cavs: the Blog: "As for the last play, there were 4 seconds left, and [LeBron] went to his highest-percentage play: damn the torpedoes and make a hard, decisive drive. The real issue was that Noah was there waiting for him because we'd parked 320 pounds of a guy who can't shoot or screen directly under the rim, and Hinrich made a nice rotation down to cut off that pass. Shaq shouldn't be out there in those scenarios. Period. And no, there was no foul on that play -- Noah was in perfect position, and LeBron tried to crash into him out of desperation."

David Stern: The NFL takes quick and decisive action when its players have run-ins with the law. And yet Delonte West -- who got arrested for packing enough firepower to take on a zombie apocalypse and win -- is still on the court. Explain that to me, Mr. Commissioner.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Is coming off the bench killing Big Z's game? Last night's 0-for-9 performance should pretty much answer that question.

The Cleveland bench: If you take away Boobie Gibson's 8 points and 3-for-4 shooting, the Crabs' reserves (Big Z, West and J.J. Hickson) scored 4 points on 1-for-18 shooting. That's not a typo, by the way: 1-for-18.

Cleveland Junk Grabbers: From Basketbawful reader Adrian: "For your perusal, here's a pair of floor-seat-dwelling white guys taking a rare opportunity at what looks like grabbing King Crab's junk as he dived to keep the ball in play just before half-time in the Crabs-Bulls game." No wonder Cleveland fans are so worried about LeBron bolting out of town next summer...these opportunities would be lost forever...

The San Antonio Spurs: Hey, wait, what's going on? Like the Crabs, the Spurs began this season as one of the league's supposed most-talented teams. Yet, here they are, 2-2 and not looking particularly good. Last night, they looked terrible against a team that's been terrible so far this season.

Not only were the Spurs throwing up bricks (43 percent shooting), their defense was decidedly un-Spurs-like (the Jazz hit 53 percent of their shots despite going 1-for-7 from downtown). Mind you, the Jazz hit 22 layups in the game and scored an incredible 64 points in the paint (compared to 46 for the Spurs). Utah also outscored San Antonio on the break 16-8 and outrebounded them 41-36. Basically, they got outplayed in pretty much every possible category. TOTAL FAIL.

By the way, it was Utah's first win over the Spurs since April of 2008.

Greg Popovich: I love the interviews he gives TNT between quarters. Love 'em. Last night, when asked what his team could do to keep the Jazz out of the paint, Pop deadpanned; "Try harder." I wish I had video of every one of these interviews he's ever given.

All the teams that didn't draft DeJuan Blair: The only San Antonio player to shine last night was Blair, who finished with 14 points (7-for-10), 9 rebounds, and a better plus-minus score (+5) than any Spurs starter. Now how did he fall all the way to the second round again...?

Lacktion report: Chris, our self-styled Master of Lacktion, strikes again:

Spurs-Jazz: With Bruce Bowen out to pasture, Gregg Popovich attempted to find a stopgap good luck charm in Keith Bogans tonight. Despite a non-victorious result, Bogans did his best to bumble his way through the evening, fouling twice and losing the rock once for a +3 suck differential in 10:42.

Jerry Sloan's ongoing efforts to avoid being Coach of the Year via smart strategy paid off tonight, buoyed by the first lacktive appearance of Kyrylo Fesenko this year, a single-brick +1 in 2:42. Kosta Koufos continued his impressive start of sub-importance via the coinage of 1.8 trillion.

Donald Sterling: The Clippers owner is who we thought he was. (Hat tip: Chris.)

The Sacramento Kings: Could things possibly get any worse for this awful team? Abso-friggin-lutely. (Hat tip: Also Chris.)

Marcus Jordan: He insisted on wearing daddy's Air Jordan shoes in a game despite his school's contract with Adidas. And now Adidas has announced it will not renew its contract with the school. Way to be all "team first" there, Marcus.

Super(man) Worst of the Night Extra

2009-11-05T14:03:00.003-06:00

Dwight Howard is known as Superman. His biceps have biceps filled with real leprechauns. When he flexes, people die. And yet a skeezy porn star named Mary Carey dissed him for a member of N'Sync. But not Justin Timberlake. She picked this guy. And no, I am not even remotely kidding around here. These are her words from a recent radio interview:

"Yeah, Dwight and I met at LAX. I was like, you're a basketball player, and he was like, I've seen you at Magic games, so he recognized me from games. I used to always get written up when I went to games for causing distractions and stuff."

Wait for it...waaaaaaait for it...

"Dwight's a cool guy. For a month, we like talked on the phone, and he was always trying to give me prayers to get me out of porn and give me Bible verses to read. So then, I was going to go visit him when I was in Orlando, but I went over to this other guy's house instead, Chris Kirkpatrick from N'Sync. And then Dwight started calling, and calling, and calling me, because he knew I was with Chris Kirkpatrick, so eventually at 3 in the morning, Chris was like don’t answer Dwight's calls. I get a text from Dwight at 3 in the morning -- I’m outside Chris's house. I'm like oh my god, what do I do? I was like, I got Dwight here and I got Chris in the other room and I'm talking to them back and forth. So finally I had to just pull Dwight in the bathroom and tell him he needs to go home. I was like I'm really sorry, I really like you, but this isn't the time or place. When I pull him in the bathroom, he pulls his pants down, I was like, whooa. Yeah, and so I ran and started screaming…Well if it wasn't for the Chris thing at the time, I really liked Dwight and maybe I would have furthered this. But I was at the guy's house I was dating so it was inappropriate. So he totally thought he totally offended me. So I saved -- he and I used to talk on instant messenger, on AOL -- so he was apologizing; sorry, that was out of character for me, blah blah blah. I saved all the instant messages and I've been putting them all in a book. So I’ve got a lot of evidence. I’ve got an evidence file."

I simply don't know what to say. Other than here's a super hat tip to Basketbawful reader Daniel L. for sending me the link and the following (fake) D-Howard quote: "Baby, you needs to get out of pr0n, because Jesus loves you! Or suck on lil' Superman. Whichever."

Still, Howard probably lucked out here. I mean, according to her Wikipedia page, Mary was born to a schizophrenic mother and a father with cerebral palsy. Them's damaged goods, Dwight. You don't need that kind of drama. Really. I swear.

Dwight, you...really are...better off...oh, bloody hell.

Pat Morita is in hell, er, Sacramento

2009-11-05T12:19:00.002-06:00

Important note: All three of the people in this picture chose to be here. That is all.
I received this picture in an e-mail from Basketbawful reader Adrian titled "Mr. Miyagi rues lack of Kings D." Here's what Adrian had to say:

I've been a reader for a long time but have never written in, save for a couple comments. But now, since I bought the NBA broadband league pass this year, I can screencap ridiculous shit to my heart's content! Hopefully some of these may even grace your awesome blog.

Anyway, I caught this at the end of the Kings-Griz game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in Australia, I'll take all the damn NBA I can get with the retarded time difference no matter who's playing. It seems Pat Morita is not dead -- he's just watching Sacramento games (and apparently being disgusted by what he is seeing...Desmond Mason's seven trillion, for instance?).

Oh, he's dead all right, Adrian. Speaking of which, I'm not sure what makes me more sad: the fact that poor Pat Morita has apparently gone to hell -- what else would you call being forced to spend your afterlife watching the Kings? -- or the sight of the depressed woman on the right side of the picture. Okay, now that I've thought about it, they make me equally sad.

Worst of the Night: November 4, 2009

2009-11-05T07:56:00.007-06:00

Grant apparently caught of whiff of something nasty?Ah, it's probably just the standard old man stank.
Update! Celtics-Timberwolves: From Basketbawful reader A:

No Celtics-Timberwolves bawful? Oh Lord, speaking as a Celtics fans, let me count the fail:

Paul "Best Player in the World" Pierce goes off against the Timberwolves' "defense" to the tune of 10 points on 3-of-12 shooting. 4 of those 10 points came from superstar calls, such as when Pierce shouldered Oleksiy Pecherov in the chin and inexplicably went to the line.

Speaking of Mr. Pecherov, he apparently lost the memo that the Celtics were the Best Defensive Team Evah, scoring 24 points to lead all scorers on very efficient 9-of-14 shooting, adding 8 rebounds to the stat line. Oleksiy Pecherov. I wish I was making that up.

The Wolves, though, were not immune to the rampant suckage. Apparently deciding that home victories against elite teams are highly overrated, the Wolves decided to let Rajon Rondo go off to the tune of 14 points in the third quarter, letting the Little Big Man singlehandedly bring the flat, lifeless Celtics back into the game. I guess the first 6 points he scored weren't enough, they just had to let him tack on 8 more.

Boston, after shooting lights out from beyond the arc against Philly, lay a 5-for-19 brick wall around the Target Center. Rasheed Wallace -- whose field goal attempts were all threes, by the way -- contributed by bricking 5 of his 7. And he picked up his second technical of the season. From the bench.

And still, the T-Wolves could have won the game, if Corey Brewer -- who played a pretty good game -- understood that the best way to get a high-percentage, game-tying shot isn't to go right at Kevin Garnett. Because I hear that this Garnett guy is pretty good at defense.

The Phoenix Suns: Sure, they were missing Leandro Barbosa (sore right wrist), but the Magic were minus two former All-Stars: Rashard Lewis (suspension) and Vince Carter (sprained ankle). That should have evened things out, right? Wrong. The Suns simply couldn't keep their men in front of them, letting Orlando shoot 52 percent from the field and from beyond the arc. Phoenix kept things close in the first half, but fatigue rendered oldies-but-goodies Steve Nash (12 points, 5-for-11, 4 assists, 3 turnovers) and Grant Hill (0-for-5 for zero points, 3 boards and an assist) ineffective as the Suns lost by 22. By the way, their combined plus-minus score was -42.

Note that I called this in the comments section of yesterday's post. It's not that I don't like the Suns. I root like hell for them. But I've watched a lot of my favorite players get older: Larry Bird, Robert Parish, Kevin McHale, Reggie Miller, Karl Malone, John Stockton, Charles Barkley...so on and so forth. Even when they were "old" in basketball terms, those guys could still rip off big games and lead their teams to 50-win seasons. In fact, their teams might have won close to 60 if not for long road trips and back-to-back games. But scheduling is a bitch. I couldn't help but notice, while watching those players age, that they would struggle mightily on the second night of back-to-backs, especially on the road. Bird's Celtics and Malone's Jazz lost to some truly awful teams and got destroyed by good teams under those circumstances. On paper, with all things being equal, those teams should have been competitive every night. But all things aren't equal. Fatigue sets in. Now that I'm into my 30s, I get that in a way I never understood before. If I play basketball on back-to-back nights, I'm hurtin'. (It doesn't help that I'm one of those "dive for every loose ball" and "sprint down the floor on every possession" guys.)

At any rate, as long as the Suns rely so heavily on Steve Nash, they're going to be at their best when Captain Canada has a little rest going for him.

As a sidenote, Phoenix gave up 25 points on 18 turnovers. That didn't help.

The "We're not going to go 82-0" watch: Said Suns coach Alvin Gentry: "Well, dreams of an undefeated season have gone down."

By the way, Dwyane Wade joined the "We're not going 82-0" club yesterday via his Twitter page. Thanks to Basketbawful reader gf for the head's up and the pic:

Stan Van Gundy, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "We don't let people bang on them like that." Van Gundy was actually talking about how his team defends perimeter players like Dwyane Wade and LeBron James.

Vince Carter: He looks a little too happy to be not playing...doesn't he? By the way, nice fucking suit, but I feel sorry for the homeless guy you mugged to get it.

Because nobody can point out your failures if you don't play.
Gilbert Arenas: The Agent formerly known as Zero scored a team-high 32 points, but he went 9-for-27 and missed six of his eight three-point attempts. He also blew two crunch-time plays: losing the ball on a layup attempt with 17 seconds left and tossing a lob pass off the rim at the end of the game. Of the latter play, Gil said: "It hit the rim. That's it. It's not rocket science -- it hit the rim." And see, that last quote is the real reason I'm including Arenas in WotN. He just become so joyless these days. Sure, sometimes his clowning around seemed counterproductive to winning, but it was also part of what made him so much fun to follow and watch. The league has enough grim and depressing heroes. I miss the old Gilbert Arenas.

DeShawn Stevenson: Speaking of goats in Washington Wizards uniforms...DeShawn shanked two free throws with 44 seconds left, after which Dwyane Wade knocked down the go-ahead jumper.

Mike James The Amityville Scorer started 50 games for the Wizards last season. This season, he has five DNP-CDs in five games.

The Detroit Pistons: You know what I love? When, early in an NBA season, a team pulls out an improbable win and therefore generates buzz it probably can't live up to. That's what happened the previous night when the Pistons -- minus Tayshaun Prince and Rip Hamilton -- beat the Rashard Lewis-less and Vince Carter-less Magic in Detroit (thanks in part to some pretty serious home cookin'). Well, a change in venue didn't agree with the Pistons last night. In Toronto, they were outscored 44-28 in the second quarter and that was pretty much the game. Ben Gordon, who had a season-high 30 points, said: "Needless to say, you let anybody in the league score that many points and it's going to be tough to counter that. It seemed like every possession they got a good shot or got to the free throw line. It's tough to win like that, when you're not really stopping them at all. They're either going to get a good look or get some free throws."

The New Jersey Nyets: Folks, when you watch the Nyets, you may be watching the worst team in professional basketball. And I'm including the pro clubs in countries like Kerplackistan. Yes, yes, I know they were minus Devin Harris (groin strain) and Yi Jianlian (right knee sprain), and I also know they were playing a team on fire (the Denver Nuggets). But 28-point home losses give everyone The Sad. The biggest lowlight of the game was when the Nyets were outscored 44-26 in the third quarter. Said Eduardo "Yes, I'm still in the league" Najera: "Every game, including the preseason, we struggle in the third quarter. I don't know what it is but we have to figure it out. We can't come out every third quarter and basically let the other team do whatever they want." True, Eduardo. But, then, you can't really stop them either...because you guys suck. I'm just sayin'.

Fun fact: The Nyets are off to their worst start in franchise history, matching the 0-5 mark of the 1996-97 squad. HISTORIC FAIL.

The New York Knicks: Going into last night's game, the Pacers were winless and, frankly, looked hapless. But nothing acts like an antidote for crappy play quite like a trip to the Big Apple! In an ugly game that featured a combined 6 fast break points (4 for Indy and 2 for New York), the defenseless Pacers held the Knicks to 39 percent shooting. How can this happen to a team coached by Mike D'Antoni, a.k.a. "The Man WHo Made Steve Nash"? I mean, the Knicks went without a field goal for the final nine-plus minutes last night. That's some serious offensive fail for such a genuis of offense.

Said David Lee: "Our problems in this game started and ended on the offensive end. We talk a lot about our defense, but our offense in the second half, for us to shoot under 40 percent isn't a good sign." Added D'Antoni: "For whatever reason, it seems every time we get stuck or whatever, instead of having a little more determination or patience, we just jack one up and that kind of got us in trouble in the second half." I thought just jacking one up was the D'Antoni Philosophy at its most crystalline. Oh well. For the record, Chris Duhon, who supposedly became nearly as good as Nash under D'Antoni last season, finished with 10 points (4-for-13) and 6 assists.

Dirk Nowitzki: How did Der Blond Bombermeister do last night against defenders not named Mehmet "The Prop" Okur? Here's how: 12 points, 4-for-15 shooting, 5 rebounds, 2 assists, 6 fouls. So can we please all just calm down about that 29-point fourth quarter against the Jazz? I could probably score 29 points in a quarter if I was being guarded by a Turkish statue.

Dirk objects -- no, strenuously objects -- to beingguarded by someone other than Memo Okur.
Jason Terry and Juan Jose Barea: The Mavs had a 97-94 lead over the Hornets with 10 seconds to go. And they could have clinched the game had Terry and Barea been able to connect on a free throw. However, Terry missed a technical free throw and Jose Barea missed two more foul shots, setting up a game-tying three-pointer by Stojakovic (who had been 0 for 5 from long range before that by the way). Dallas then went on to lose in overtime. Said Terry: "It's a lost opportunity. We showed a lot of heart and a lot of determination. The key things we talk about all of the time and the little things ... free throws, getting out on shooters and fouling when we are up three. Those things are what championship teams do. Obviously, we're not there yet. We'll learn from this." Wait, wait, wait...hasn't this team been to the NBA Finals? Hasn't your point guard, Jason Kidd, been to two more NBA Finals? Yet you guys need to learn to hit foul shots, get out on shooters and not foul when you're ahead? Really?!

Ron Artest: Bottom line...he's still crazy. Here's some prose from the AP recap of the Lakers-Rockets game:

Artest guarded Ariza from the opening tip, and the two were immediately jawing at one another. They earned offsetting technical fouls with 9:11 left in the first quarter.

At one point, Ariza said Artest tried to put his hand around Ariza's neck.

"I don't have hard feelings," Ariza said. "It was emotional, I guess you could say."

Artest said he thought about giving Ariza a hard shot, but backed down for fear of a fine or a suspension.

"You know if somebody hits me, I'm going to react," the famously temperamental Artest said. "I got hit with about three elbows. It's just not fair. I don't want to fight, I don't feel like doing it. If you throw an elbow into Ron Artest's chest, do you know who you're hitting?

"But I give up, I just give up," he said. "I'm not fighting anymore. You could elbow me, smack me, use me as a punching bag. I'm not reacting anymore, I'm tired."

Poor, poor, poor Ron Artest: the most persecuted man in the NBA. By the way, Ron, trying to put your hand around someone's neck? That's called "reacting." Just, you know, FYI.

Derek Fisher: Can't believe I missed this one, but 49er16 didn't: "In the Lakers game, Derek Fisher some how played 34 minutes and recorded no points, assists, or rebounds. He did pick up two fouls and two steals."

Update! Trevor "Arizona": From NarSARSsist: "No love for Trevor Ariza, Bawful? In this first A-A meeting between he and Artest, he was absolutely desperate to stick it to his former teammates. The problem is, he was gunning so poorly that I couldn't help but wonder if the Lakers did it to plant a mole in the Rockets. The Rockets did nab 17 offensive boards, so maybe he was just serving up some KBAs learned from his old pal MambaKobe (in fact, 9 of those shanks resulted in offensive rebounds). It's just amazing to me that with five teammates shooting 4/10, 5/12, 7/15, 7/9, and 9/12, he opted to just jack up shots like crazy. Sure he made the game-tying 3PT in regulation, but you know, had he been serving up real assists instead of KBAs earlier, the Rockets might have, you know, won? Thank you, Ariza, for helping the Lakers win yet another game."

The Memphis Grizzlies: The Golden State Warriors have officially exited the ranks of the NBA's winless teams, thanks to a victory over the Grizzlies. Memphis got strangely efficient shooting from Allen Iverson (8-for-12...off the bench!), but there was no defense to be seen or heard as Golden State shot 54 percent from the field and 58 percent from downtown.

Pictured above: FAIL.
Now here's where I go on a rant. It's not secret that NBA teams circle games against inferior defenses and go into those games with an attitude that, "Hey, I'm gonna drop a season or career-high on these guys." I've heard and read countless anecdotes to that effect. But you know what you rarely ever hear or read about? Guys going into games against poor, inefficient or undisciplined offenses and saying, "We're gonna lock their asses down." That happens with teams like Boston, Cleveland and San Antonio...and that's about it.

The Warriors are one of the least disciplined offensive teams in the league. Yeah, they can drop a lot of points, but usually only on the unprepared or unwary. If I was facing the Warriors, I would take delight in shutting them down. Wouldn't that attitude lead to a decent handful of wins every year, even for sad sack teams like the Griz?

Lacktion report: Chris continues to work harder on lacktion reports than many NBA ballers work in the games.

Pistons-Raptors: DaJuan Summers seasoned up his Excite Bike cartridge with the Game Genie, for a glitchy 40 second Mario!!!!

Suns-Magic: Jarron Collins took down one board in 12:24, only to foul twice for a Madsen-level 2:1 Voskuhl.

Heat-Wizards: Dominic McGuire's streak of suck came to an ignominous end tonight with a DNP-CD, but teammate Javale McGee provided a walking, breathing analogy for the biggest industry in the nation's capital, missing a shot for a +1 suck differential in 8:16.

Celtics-Wolves: Brian Scalabrine has returned to his tobacco-friendly ways, serving as the human victory cigar in a rather close match by fouling once for a +1 in 3:50. On the other end of the court, Minnesota's Wayne Ellington elegantly conducted a song of securities tonight, earning himself a 3.9 trillion.

Lakers-Rockets: Despite a board, David Andersen earned a Voskuhl of 3:1 due to three fouls and a brick in 5:51.

ALSO, in comments, Rich Muhlach writes:
"Hey Chris, dunno if you watched the Lakers vs Rockets game last night but former Laker Brian Cook did enter the game during a free throw (if I remember correctly, it was when Chuck Hayes fouled out) and the commentators were even saying something like he was a former Laker a few years back. But then after the free throw, he was subbed out again. That's why the box score reads DNP-CD, coz he never actually got playing time. But what do you call that Mario of getting sent into the game during a dead ball and getting subbed out again before the clock even starts?"

Rich, I think Mr. Cook here has just powered up his Wii for the greatest Super Mario Galaxy in the history of the Association. But is "Super Mario Galaxy" vast enough to describe what Rick Adelman just created last night!? Stay tuned.

Dan B. chimes in...
"A dead-ball situation Mario, so short that it doesn't even register on the game clock... maybe we should call it a Luigi since it's like a Mario, only less relevant?" Promising suggestion right there, man...

Mavs-Hornets: Quinton Ross got a stock tip from Mark Cuban and returned from the boilerroom with a 2.5 trillion. Meanwhile, Hilton Armstrong checked into the chamber of contribution with a steal and an assist in a 6:35 stay, only to foul twice and brick thricely for a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Hawks-Kings: Although the purple paupers were reduced to poverty by the birds from Georgia, Paul Westphal made sure to provide as much lacktion as he could. Desmond Mason had a barrow on Market Boulevard but didn't bring home wealth, instead fouling once for a +1 in 3:24 while Sean May provided the Maloofs' their inspiration for the evening with a 5.85 trillion.

Grizzlies-Warriors: Memphis's Hasheem Thabeet turned the rock over twice and fouled once for a +3 in 3:51, also good for a 3:0 Voskuhl. Trey Gilder sprinted on RC Pro Am for a mere 42 seconds, leading to a Mario.

Worst of the Night: Quick Hits Edition

2009-11-04T08:00:00.006-06:00

The first thing I thought when I saw this picture was"White Chicks & Gang Signs." But maybe that's just me.
My Ghostbusters costume won me tickets to the Bucks-Bulls game last night, so I spent my evening drinking at the World Famous Billy Goat Tavern & Grill and then at the United Center watching...gak. As Patches O'Houlihan would have put it, sitting through Bucks-Bulls was like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there.

Anyway, live game-related activities kept me away from the TV and my computer, so today's WotN will be short and sour.

The Philadelphia 76ers: They really couldn't have asked for a better situation: a home game against the Celtics in which a) Kevin Garnett went 1-for-7 and finished with more turnovers (5) than points (3) and b) Ray Allen scored only 5 points on 2-for-8 shooting. So why, then, did the Sixers lose by 31 points?! Probably because they went broke on offense (36 percent shooting as a team, 1-for-16 on threes) and defense (Boston shot 57 percent from the field and a blistering 14-for-20 on threes). Uh, hand in the face, anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

I suppose there's no shame in coming up short -- make that way short -- against a superior force. However, I can't help but think back to last season when the acquisition of Elton Brand (6 points, 2-for-6, 4 rebounds) was supposed to transform Philly into a contender. If there's anybody who thought the return of a healthy Brand this season was going to fulfill the promise of those failed expectations had better rethink their misguided optimism.

Elton Brand: See above. Worth $80 million? Eh...not so much. Again, I can't help but feel like the Clippers really dodged a bullet when he left L.A.

Bucks-Bulls: Remember what I said about the doorknob up there? Well, that pretty much sums it up. The Bulls played like ass in the first half and fell behind by 18 points midway through the third quarter. For the game, the Windy City Stags shot 39 percent, bricked nine free throws (including six in the fourth quarter), and gave up 23 points off 19 turnovers. And they won. Milwuakee simply would not be out-sucked.

Even when Joakim Noah blew a chance to ice the game by bricking two free throws with 13 seconds left, the Bucks were determined to make their fans throw up in their own mouths. I'll let Joe describe Milwaukee's final possession: "Anyone watch the Bulls-Bucks game? Last two Milaukee possessions feature a Brandon Jennings no jump fadeaway blocked by Derrick Rose and an airball three-pointer by Ersan Ilyasova. If thats not Bawful, what is? Shout out to NBA Broadbrand preview so I could watch that but not Celts-Sixers or Lakers-Thunder."

The Chicago Bulls' inside game: The Bulls sure would be a lot better if they could hit a few layups. The Bulls were 5-for-16 (31 percent) on layup attempts against the Bucks. That makes them 37-for-85 (43 percent) for the season.

The Chicago Bulls' in-game entertainment: I've posted before about some of my Bawful experiences at the United Center. Well, last night wasn't quite that bad, but it was close. I got to watch the Swingin' Seniors gyrate for the crowd's displeasure. I got to listen to a fat guy sing "My Girl" for a Big Mac. And I got to watch two guys play Tic Tac Toe, which was actually hilarious, because the X guy was so intent on winning that he left an opening for the O guy to win, only the O guy was to intent on blocking the X guy that he missed a chance to complete his three Os in a row. And after he boned it -- realizing it only after the crowd moaned -- he stood there, staring at his mistake, than spasmed toward his last O as if to move it, only to be waved off by the people running the game. The game finished without a winner...just 15,000-plus losers.

The worst part of the game was the halftime show, an act called "Quick Change." Despite the act's incredible lameness, here's a glowing review from Slate:

The No. 1 [NBA halftime] act, however, is David & Dania, a married couple who put on a spectacle that's one part magic show, one part ballroom-dancing exhibition. Popularly known as "Quick Change," the performance features nearly a dozen costume changes in the span of a few minutes, as Dania sheds one dress for another quicker than the average human can remove a single sock. It's an astounding example of precision artistry, and one that the NBA's game-operations directors have voted the league's most requested halftime attraction.

Really?! People desperately want to see...this?

I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I'm not sure this act would even win a high school talent competition, but people apparently love it. Admittedly, it was kinda interesting for the first minute. But it ran for 10 minutes. And, not to spoil anything for you, but Dania doesn't get naked at the end, which might have been the tipping point for me.

Tyrus Thomas: As I put it on By The Horns:

I had just settled into my seat at the United Center when Chicago's starting lineup was announced. And starting at power forward was…Taj Gibson? Whaaaaaa…?! It took a few minutes of furious texting to discover that Tyrus Thomas was out with -- you guessed it! -- flu-like symptoms.

The timing of Ty’s outbreak is a more than a little dubious, considering it happened the day after he failed to reach a before-the-deadline contract extension agreement with the Bulls. Given Thomas' history, it’s understandable that some people are calling shenanigans.

The Miami Heat: They were almost single-handedly destroyed by Steve Nash (30 points, 11-for-15, 8 assists). I say "almost" because the Suns also hit the Heat with a zone defense that rendered their offense less than usesless. Miami shot 35 percent in the second half, 23 percent in the fourth quarter. Phoenix missed fewer shots (15) in the entire second half than the Heat did (18) in the final quarter.

Random aside: Steve Nash! The dude is averaging 21.5 PPG, 12.5 APG and shooting 54 percent from the field and 55 from three. And the Suns -- sans Shaq -- are undefeated. I'm not going to say the Suns wont' come back down to earth, because they will. They simply don't have a lot of talent. But Nash is amazing. And people who claimed that Mike D'Antoni made Nash need to think again. Those people like to point at Nash's reduced numbers last season as proof, but check his splits. The month after Terry Porter was fired, Nash averaged 20.7 PPG and 9.3 APG while shooting 53 from the floor and 44 in threes. The following month, he averaged 16.4/10.3 while shooting 60 percent from the field and 58 percent from downtown. Let's just admit that Nash is a great player and be done with it, okay? The whole "D'Antoni's system made Nash" myth is a big, heaping pile.

Sour grapes: After letting the Suns' zone make them look silly, Quentin Richardson complained: "I thought the zone was for college, personally. I thought that was the difference between the NBA and college." You know, Quentin, admitting your team got pwned by a college tactic doesn't really make you guys look any better.

The Orlando Magic: The Pistons beat the previously unbeaten Magic despite missing Tayshaun Prince (back) and Rip Hamilton (ankle). As Basketbawful reader Jarron put it: "I know you will trash Orlando, but you need to mention the fact that they lost to a team starting a guy named Jerebko. I just thought that was funny."

Dwight Howard: Superman was outplayed by Old Man (Ben Wallace). No, really. Howard, who fouled out in only 17 minutes of playing time, finished with 8 points and 5 rebounds. Big Ben scored only 2 points, but he also had 10 rebounds, 2 steals, 2 blocked shots...and only 2 personal fouls.

Here's an extra tidbit from Basketbawful reader Mladen: "And also, please DO check out the NBA.com video recap of the Magic's failure against the Pistons for this juicy sound bite: "So, D. Howard: 8 points, 5 rebounds, 6 fouls against a frontcourt featuring Ben Wallace, Charlie Villanueva and Jonas Jerebko!? This does not make sense...." (All this is followed by the other commentetors chuckling.) FAIL."

Kerry Eggers, sportswriter: From Gert-Jan: "From the NBA.com recap of the Atlanta-Portland game, written by Kerry Eggers: 'In Portland's other two losses, Denver's Carmelo Anthony scored 41 points and Houston's Trevor Arizona had 33.' Trevor Arizona. That's bad, if you're a NBA writer you shoulnd't get this stuff wrong, don't you think?"

Utah Jazz: From AnacondaHL: "After holding the Mavs to three sub-18 point quarters, the Jazz decided that winning wasn't on the meeting agenda, allowing Dirk to go off for 29 of Dallas's 44 4th quarter points, only scoring 18 of their own en route to an 11-point loss. Special bawful mention to Carlos Boozer, for obtaining a +/- of -27 in just 24 minutes."

Mehmet Okur: Guess who was guarding Dirk during that fourth-quarter romp?

Poor Mehmet ended up in so many Dirk Nowitzki posters last night that if you ever see him anywhere else at any time, it probably isn't him. In fact, I'm hereby changing Mehmet's nickname from "The Turkish Assassin" to "The Prop."

Lacktion report: Brilliance from Chris, as always.

Nuggets-Pacers: Renaldo Balkman panned a payout of 4.05 trillion!

Wizards-Crabs: Dominic McGuire is having a stupendously sucktacular start for the ages, giving Washington continued coinage with a 1.7 trillion!!!!! Matching him in mediocrity was Cleveland's crustacean cleanup crew, however. Jawad Williams fouled once in 1:38 for a +1 suck differential, while Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson took home some serious dough with a 1.35 trillion.

Magic-Pistons: Detroit's Chucky Atkins believes in a diet high in precious metals and low in carbohydrates, as demonstrated by his 2.1 trillion, a paycheck no doubt helping him truly feel at home in Oakland County.

Suns-Heat: Joel Anthony's saving his pennies for someday, as he avoided wealth in 6:15 via four fouls, one rejection, one brick and a giveaway -- an effort resulting in the spectacular sucktitude score of +7!!!!! Meanwhile, Phoenix's Alando Tucker unmasked Samus Aran in a mere 35 seconds for a celebratory Mario.

Bucks-Bulls: Milwaukee's Roko Ukic capitalized on a 6:12 stint with +4 via foul and three bricks, the latter coming twice from inside the Chicago Loop.

Lakers-Thunder: DJ Mbenga scratched out a foul for a +1 in 1:42, also counting as a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl. For Oklahoma City, Nick Collison crashed out of lacktivity by boarding thricely despite one brick, only to foul twice and contribute three turnovers for a 5:3 Voskuhl in 16:11.

Jazz-Mavs: For Utah, Kosta Koufos collected plenty of gold coins and somehow accrued a steal in a 3-second Super Mario!!!! Dallas's Quinton Ross started tonight's game but earned a +3 in only 7:27 of playing time, via brick, rejection, and foul.

Hawks-Blazers: Maurice Evans seems to have taken Mario West's old spot as Atlanta's primary lacktator, flying into two fouls for a +2 in 5:48.

Was Delonte West preparing for a zombie apocalypse?

2009-11-03T15:22:00.004-06:00

Maybe Delonte can be in the sequel: "Zombieland 2: Looking Behind Our Back"
Breaking news: Delonte West has been indicted on six weapons offenses stemming from a September incident in which he was arrested on the Capital Beltway in Washington D.C. with three loaded guns and an 8 1/2-inch bowie knife. (That's not a knife. This is a knife...) Here are the details:

West was traveling north on the Beltway about 10 p.m. in a three-wheeled motorcycle called a Can-Am Spyder when he allegedly cut off a county police officer near Route 214.

The officer pulled West over for making an unsafe lane change, and as the officer approached the motorcycle, West told him he had a handgun in his waistband.

The officer called for backup and searched West and his vehicle.

Three guns were found -- a 9mm Beretta in West's waistband, a Ruger .357 Magnum strapped to his leg, and a 12-gauge shotgun in a guitar case slung over his back, authorities said.

West also had additional shotgun shells in a backpack, authorities said.

It's worth noting that, shortly after the arrest, West's father, Dmitri West, said: "All I can say is Delonte was looking behind his back and protecting himself." From what, exactly, Dmitri? Bigfoot? The Terminator? A dinosaur? Because that was some serious armament for personal protection.

In other news, no word yet on whether West will be a playable character in the upcomign Left 4 Dead 2. But if I could kill zombies as Delonte West, I would probably go ahead and spring for an Xbox 360.

Worst of the Night: November 2, 2009

2009-11-03T07:59:00.006-06:00

Don't expect the smiling to continue if Lionel Hollinskeeps bringing The Not Answer off the bench.
The New Jersey Nyets: Last night, the Nyets (still winless!) had a stretch between the third and fourth quarters during which they went 10 minutes without scoring a single point. During that Festival of Fail, the Nyets went 0-for-11 from the field, committed nine of their 26 turnovers and got outscored by the Bobcats 24-0 in what turned out to be the NBA's longest scoring drought in almost four years. (According to STATS LLC, the last worst drought was when the Bucks went 10:07 without scoring against the Rockets on January. 23, 2006.) Mind you, New Jersey had built a 14-point lead before all that went down. Instead, they ended up losing 79-68. Said Rafer Alston (1-for-8, 3 turnovers): "It was embarrassing." No doubt.

But way, there's more! Yao, er, I mean Yi Jianlian rolled his right knee during that Festival of Fail, and today he has to undergo an MRI to assess the damage to the medial collateral ligament. Sounds pretty bad already, doesn't it?

To add a little insult to all that injury, I should point out that the Nyets lost to a team that shot 32 percent from the field (24-for-74) and six percent from three-point range (1-for-15). Oh, and did I mention the 'Cats are the lowest scoring team in the NBA so far?

Bonus pathetic stat: The Nyets tied a team low with seven points in the third quarter on 13 percent shooting (2-for-15).

Update! Gerald Wallace, Black Hole: From Basketbawful reader Garron: "In four games this season, Gerald Wallace has 50+ shots, 50+ rebounds, 13 turnovers...and 0 assists. Black hole much?" It's true.

The New Orleans Hornets: Another great game for Chris Paul (32 points, 5 rebounds, 13 assists), another loss for the Hornets. Anybody else thing it's going to be a long season in New Orleans? Well, at least the Saints are still undefeated. Anyway, the Hornets biggest problem was on defense, giving up 117 points to the previously winless Knicks, including 40 in the fourth quarter. But wait, it gets way worse than that: Larry Hughes saw his first action of the season...and scored 20 points on 8-for-13 shooting. Meanwhile Julian Wright, the man starting opposite of Big Shot Larry, finished with 2 points on 1-for-3 from the field.

Chris Paul: Great as he may be, the little guy is starting to lose his shit a little. First, he had an on-court run-in with Rajon Rondo on Sunday, after which he allegedly tried to force his way into the Celtics locker room. The NBA is currently investigating the situation. (Paul subsequently denied this on his Twitter page and now refuses to discuss it. Hornets coach Byron Scott said: "I think there comes a point in time in a game or even after a game when somebody says something to you, and the only thing I heard Chris say at the end of the game when we were walking off was that, 'he's going to respect me as a man.' So I don't know what Rondo said, but obviously Chris took exception to it." Obviously.)

Then, last night in New York, Paul and Al Haarrington were scrambling for a loose ball when Paul appeared to hit Harrington in the head. Said Harrington: "When I dove, my head hit his knee. He might have slipped a couple of jabs in there. It didn't affect me. You know I fight in the summer, so it's all good." It may be "all good" for Big Al, but Big David and the league office probably won't keep turning a blind eye if Paul doesn't get a handle on his emotions. After all, the NBA is supposed to care, not bludgeon.

The Utah Jazz: Hey, didn't these guys used to be almost unstoppable in Salt Lake City? They sure got stopped last night, losing 17 points to the Yao Ming-less and Tracy McGrady-less Rockets. How does a team with two All-Star caliber players (Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer) lose at home to a team with zero All-Star caliber players? It was like Night of the Living Roleplayers out there, as eight Rockets scored in double figures (including 17 off the bench from rookie Chase Buddinger). Houston hit 50 percent of their shots and 52 percent of their threes. They also outrebounded Jazz 46-38 and scored 26 points off of Utah's 19 turnovers. They...they just do all the little things it takes to win. It's Moneyball, baby!

Or maybe it's just bad defense by the Jazz...? Said Utah coach Jerry Sloan: "If you're not going to defend, it's pretty tough to have a chance to win. They got on top of the basket, they drove around us, they went up to the ball on the boards and they passed the ball." Added Williams: "We've just got to have more determination to come out and get stops and not let people score. We're just picking up right where we left off. We haven't played a good game of basketball yet." Don't worry, Deron. You have, like, 78 more chances!

Carlos Boozer: Memo to Carlos: If you want to out of Utah, you should know that performances like this (1-for-6 for 7 points plus 4 turnovers) will not help your trade value.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Allen Iverson has arrived...let the losing begin in earnest! The Not Answer made his season debut for the Griz last night, logging 18 minutes (off the bench!) and finishing with 11 points (5-for-9), an assist and 2 turnovers. Oh, and one overtime loss to the previously winless Kings. And guess what? He's already bitching about coming off the bench!

Allen Iverson: If there was any question left that this guy just doesn'ts get it, that question got answered last night. Brought in off the bench most likely because he, like, hasn't been playing or practicing much lately due to a partial right hamstring tear, Iverson is already voicing discontent over his role. And it's been one game! Said The Not Answer: "Go look at my resume and that will show you that I'm not a sixth man. I don't think it has anything to do with me being selfish. It's just who I am. I don't want to change what gave me all the success that I've had since I've been in this league." Allen, Allen, Allen...you do realize that you're playing for the Grizzlies -- the Memphis Grizzlies! -- because nobody else would have touched you with a 10-meter cattle prod, right?

And I'm not sure what he means by "success." Sure, he had one bogus MVP season and made a trip to the Finals during an era in which the East sucked and his teammates inexplicable killed themselves for him despite the fact that he hogged the hell out of the ball. But since then? Scoring lots of points on 40 percent shooting while your teams consistently fail to meet expectations and becoming the biggest NBA outcast not named "Stephon Marbury" doesn't sound like success to me. But what do I know?

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Let it be known that the previously winless Clippers earned their first victory of the season against the lowly Timberpups. But let's face facts here: both teams are who we thought they were. Both squads shot 42 percent and the Clippers won despite giving up 30 points off 20 turnovers. This was offset by a little home cookin', as The Other L.A. Team had a 32-16 edge in free throw attempts.

Believe it or not, Minny had a chance to tie the game at the buzzer, but Corey Brewer chucked up a junk shot with a hand in his face...which coach Kurt Rambis explained thusly: "We haven't yet gotten to the point where we know what play we're going to run with a low-clock situation and no timeouts when you've got to get the ball up the floor. That's my fault that we haven't had the time to work on plays in that situation, but I like the fact that they got back in the ballgame and gave themselves a chance to win." So the team doesn't have a crunch-time play in the playbook? Wow. Coaching fail.

Baron Davis: B-Dizzle is shooting so poorly this season that even Jason Kidd is wrinkling his nose in disgust. Last night's 2-for-10 shooting display is becoming waaaaay to familiar for Clippers fans (should that even be plural anymore?). On the season, Davis is 18-for-54 (33 percent), and 5-for-19 (26 percent) from downtown.

Lacktion report: Despite attending last night's Kings game, Chris still delivered on the lacktion:

Nets-Bobcats: Charlotte's Gerald Henderson sold a few marked up Air Jordans for a 3.85 trillion.

Rockets-Jazz: With Clutch the Bear's squad back on track, Rick Adelman had the chance to light up several human victory cigars, including a familiar face or two. Brian Cook and Jermaine Taylor each punched a 1.5 trillion on the scorecard, while Pops Mensah-Bonsu fathered a foul for a +1 suck differential in that same timespan (1:29), also good for a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Kings: My second trip to Arco Arena this year produced several figures of forgettability, starting with Memphis's Hasheem Thabeet, who randomly cued up his Arch Rivals cartridge with a foul for a +1 and a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl in a 54-second Mario! Teammate Sam Young made a few youthful mistakes out there, bricking and giving up the rock once each while adding two fouls for a +4 in 3:29.

The home team pulled out an overtime victory and Paul Westphal made sure to provide momentum-changing unproductivity from the beginning, with Desmond Mason jarring the ranks of the rich and famous through a stunning somnambulent stint as a starter of 6.65 trillion!!!! Sean May avoided pure lacktion with a basket, only to earn himself a Voskuhl of 5:3 in 9:16 via four fouls and a giveaway against that field goal and an assist.

Update! Bonus Bawful: From NarSARSsist:

You can't blame CP3. After this happened he was never the same again. I don't think any of us would be.

Speaking of the Hornets. Who the f*** is Bobby Brown and why the hell is he playing? With his shooting you might as well count him as good for like 4-5 turnovers a game. It's really sad when your best shooting performance is 4-for-12 for 33.3%. On a related note, his PER is 5.99, good for 248th in the league. That's out of the 291 players that qualified. A...mazing...

Sidenote about the bawfulness of the Nets and Bobcats. They were +8 with Chairman Yi on the court, and -19 with him off the court. That speaks amazing volumes about the two teams. Even a Man Chair plays better than them.

Also bawful: "Guys can't get bored with the process and get frustrated because they're only averaging 13-14 points," said Alston, who shot 1-for-8 filling in at point guard for Harris. "Yeah, that might be your average right now. So what? In the third quarter, it was bad from a team standpoint." Rafer Alston is talking about the team standpoint? This is the same guy who, in a 4-on-2 or 4-on-1 situation last night, opted not to pass to the Man Chair who was under the basket just so he can challenge his man and take it to the hoop...and get his shot swatted by Tyson Chandler.

How sad are the Jazz right now? Last year, about two months into the season, it looked like they had two potential 20/10 guys in an injured Boozeman and the newly flourishing Paperboy. Now it looks like neither of them are that kind of player.

Houston's David Andersen shot 1-for-7 and, by NBA.com standards, had a -3 efficiency points day. He is averaging 5.5 points and 2.5 rebounds per game thus far. Remember back when everyone was all bubbly about this guy's skills and how Daryl Morey's nerd Elvis ways have landed him the center to replace Yao? Yeah, me neither. If you combine his four games, in 51 minutes he would have produced right around what Yao produces in a single game.

Where is the love for Demarre Carroll? The man put up 15 minutes of hard effort to give us a 5:3 Voskhul. Same thing with Brian Cardinal, who put blood and tears into his 13 minute, 4:2 Voskhul performance. They demand to be honored!