Basketbawful

Worst Evers: Dumb injuries

2008-07-03T08:26:00.023-05:00

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, a day when you get to celebrate freedom by setting things on fire and blowing them up...just like our founding fathers intended when they won our independence from the Nazis. (Thank you, Abraham Lincoln!) But before you do that, read this. It may not be freedom, but it's the next best thing.

BJ Tyler: According to Wikipedia: "Prior to the 1995-96 NBA season, Tyler was selected by the Toronto Raptors in the 1995 expansion draft. According to journalist Chris Young's book Drive, Tyler accidentally fell asleep with a pack of ice on his knee, severely damaging it and thus losing all the speed for which he was famed, and subsequently had to retire." Yeah, right. He just didn't want to play for the Raptors. Vince Carter feels him on that one. [Thanks to siukong for the head's up.]

Brad Miller: The former Boilermaker Miller needed nine stitches in his right index finger after almost chopping it off with a knife while doing dishes last season...on the same day he was named Western Conference Player of the Week for the second time in his career. Said Miller: "It's the last time I help do dishes." Said teammate Mikki Moore: "When I saw him, it was all wrapped up. So, I said, 'You're going to drop 20 and 20 in two games and then go and cut your knuckle off?' I said, 'That's real smart, Brad.' He said, 'Nah, that's my luck.'" [Thanks to Josh from The Garbagetime All-Stars for the reminder.]

Charles Barkley: Sir Charles has never been easy on the eyes...not even his own. Chuck missed the Phoenix Suns' 1994-95 season opener because the first layers of his corneas got burned off by body lotion during an Eric Clapton concert. Apparently, allergies and the dazzling stage lights caused him to rub his eyes, and he got lotion in them.

Phoenix Suns team doctor, Richard Emerson, said: "It was a chemical reaction to a type of lotion that he uses. I wouldn't anticipate it'll reoccur because I don't think he'll use that type again." No kidding.

Note that Barkley was also suffering from a strained lower abdominal wall at the time. Probably from too many hotdogs at the concert.

Conrad McRae: During the 1998-99 season, the Denver Nuggets signed McRae to a 10-day contract. Contrad, who was unaccustomed to the thin air in the high altitude of Denver, fainted while doing some pre-game sprints. He was treated by paramedics and did not play in that night's game for precautionary reasons.

Sad extra: McRae's fainting caused Denver's medical staff to evaluate him further and discovered that he had a heart condition and advised him that he should not play basketball again. He ignored that advice and died in June 2000 during a basketball practice.

Corey Maggette: During the 2001-02 season, Maggette got so upset over a call that he slammed his hand on the scorer's table in frustration and dislocated the ring and little fingers on his right hand. Maggette ended up with a cast and a four-week vacation.

Dajuan Wagner: He missed missed thirty-five games during his rookie year due to what was thought to be a bladder infection. He missed another thirty-eight games during his sophomore season due to an inflamed pancreas and liver. Then, 11 games into his third season, Wagner started suffering stomach cramps and the doctors thought it was just another bladder infection. Turns out it was colitis, and that's what had been causing all his problems. He had the colon removed and missed another seventy-one games. That was pretty much the end of Dajuan's career; he tried to make a comeback, but his team (the Golden State Warriors) simply bought out his contract. (Note: I started writing this one when I thought it was simply a bladder infection. Then I found out about the colitis and just left it in. Not really a dumn injury, per se.)

Derrick Coleman: Coleman -- whose NBA career was limited and cut short due to laziness, character issues, a giant fat ass, and, of course, injury problems -- got injured again, only this time it happened while filming an episode of the TV show Pros vs. Joes. DC was participating in a rebounding challenge against some "average joe" when he came down from a jump and landed awkwardly, hurting his always-troublesome knee. This means that Coleman has the dubious distinction of being the first Pro to ever get injured during battle with a Joe.

Dirk Nowitzki: In December 2001, before a game against the Washington Wizards, The Flying Dutchman sprained a tendon in his ankle when he put his shoe on improperly and the stomped his foot on the floor to make sure it was on right. The injury was so bad he missed the game. He must have been one sour Kraut when that happened. Good thing there weren't any exercise bikes around.

Drew Gooden: In March of 2004, Gooden -- then with the Orlando Magic -- was hospitalized with what was thought to be a spider bite. Turns out it was a MRSA infection resulting from infected hair follicles on his leg. The infection was repeatedly drained and he needed three days of intravenous drug treatment.

I know it's tempting to laugh about this, but MRSA is a dangerous antibiotic-resistant infection that has been dubbed "the Superbug" in England. So if somebody you know gets a leg hair infection, do not laugh at them. Okay, you can laugh a little bit.

Dwyane Wade: I'm not saying the man wasn't hurt -- he was hurt really badly -- but people (like me) are still wondering why he needed to be taken off the court in a wheelchair for a shoulder injury. I guess the leg bone is connected to the arm bone...

George McCloud: Prior to Game 3 of the 1992 first round playoff series between the Indiana Pacers and the Boston Celtics, McCloud "held his ankle in a funny way" while talking on the phone. This somehow injured the ankle so badly he couldn't play in the game and had to sit on the bench in street clothes as his team got eliminated. [Thanks to 80s NBA for the reminder; this was actually one of my painful Pacers playoff moments.]

Gilbert Arenas: File this one under "unfortunate pube shaving accidents." Very unfortunate. I'll let Agent Zero tell the tale: "When I was new in the NBA the team veterans convinced me to shave, you know, down there, because they said the hair stinks. I used my girlfriend's razor, which was rusty and gave me keloids. The doctor prescribed medicine to dab on, but I just poured it all over. Three days later I woke up screaming. The skin was burnt off my scrotum, down to my crack, everything -- just raw flesh. I still had to run and play, so I used a numbing spray for a month until it healed. Now I use clippers." I bet he does. [Thanks to The Brazilian Guy for this one.]

Greg Ostertag: You know we love Greg Ostertag around these parts, and this is one of the reasons why: The big goof fractured the third metacarpal on his right hand in October of 2004 when he tripped on a footstool while getting out of bed. Mind you, this happened after his first day of practice with his new team, the Sacramento Kings.

Jeff Ruland: After the 1985-86 season, the Philadelphia 76ers decided to flush their future down the toilet by trading the first pick in the NBA draft -- which became Brad Daugherty -- to Cleveland for Roy Hinson. Since that didn't do nearly enough damage, they also sent Moses Malone to Washington in exchange for Ruland. Moses went on to average 24 PPG and 11 RPG for the Bullets, while Ruland played only five games for the Sixers before getting sidelined with a variety of foot and knee injuries.

Ruland was out of action for five years but attempted to return for the 1991-92 season. However, the comeback ended because of...a luggage cart. Yes, a luggage cart, which was (allegedly) rammed into Ruland's leg by a Celtics employee as he waited for a team bus outside Boston Garden. (It should be noted that Ruland was not a popular in Boston, and he was even nicknamed "McNasty" by the Celtics' late great broadcaster Johnny Most.)

Said Ruland: "I got run over by a luggage cart. That's hard to swallow. It can't be accidental, they were moving too fast. Whoever could foresee anything like this happening?"

John Starks: Oh my God. I've been laughing about this one for about five minutes. Thank you, Sturla, for bringing this joy back into my life. (Although I'm sure Starks would punch me for it.) Back in 2001, Starks suffered -- wait for it...wait for it -- a twisted testicle! No, I am not making this up. The scientific term for this is testicular torsion, and it happens when the spermatic cord that provides the blood supply to a testicle is twisted, cutting off the blood supply, often causing orchalgia (that is, intense pain in the nutsack). Prolonged testicular torsion will result in the death of the testicle and surrounding tissues. Starks had to undergo a procedure to "open up and untwist the testicle." Ouch.

Kendrick Perkins: Boston's big man missed time last season due to a right big toe that was injured when he dropped a bed on it. "I was asleep. I guess whoever put my bed together didn't put it together right when I moved, so one side of my bed fell. My bed was tilted, so I got out of my bed to go push down on the other side. And when I was about getting ready to push down on the other side, the headboard started coming in. So I tried to push the headboard back so it wouldn't fall over. My foot was under the bed and the other side of the bed fell on my foot." Man, I hate it when that happens.

Kevin Johnson: During the mid-90s, KJ won a regular season game on a buzzer-beating shot and received a crippling bear hug from teammate Charles Barkley. And I mean "crippling" in the literal sense. Chuck squeezed Kevin so hard his shoulder was dislocated. (At least Barkley didn't rub any body lotion in KJ's eyes.) Unlike Dwyane Wade, Kevin didn't have to be carted off teh court in a wheelchair, but he was out of action for the next two weeks. KJ also had hernia surgery in 1996 after years of abdominal problems that were allegedly brought on by picking up teammate Oliver Miller to celebrate a play.

Kobe Bryant: He hurt his back. Vacuuming. But he says it's because of vacuum size discrimination. Seriously. Watch the video. [Thanks to rich muhlach for this one.]

Latrell Sprewell: The man who once choked his coach broke his hand by taking a swing at the boyfriend of a female party guest who threw up on his yacht. But it seems that Spree's punches were roughly as accurate as his jumpers (42 percent lifetime): He whiffed and punched the wall instead. Sprewell tried to cover up the incident, but some of his guests leaked the story and the Knicks fined Spree $250,000 for not reporting the injury. Sprewell, ever the victim, complained about it to the press. "They talk about being a family but they're not sticking with me. The biggest thing to me is that I'm hurt. So don't kick me when I'm down." But...but that's the best time to kick somebody!

Lionel Simmons: The L-Train was an absolutely amazing basketball player. In college. He finished third in all-time NCAA scoring with 3,217 points, trailing only only Pete Maravich and Freeman Williams. He also won both the Naismith College Player of the Year award and the John R. Wooden Award. His NBA career, on the other hand, was barely more than decent. But Lionel's greatest contribution to the pro game was the injury he suffered during the 1990-91 season: He missed two games with wrist tendonitis caused by overtraining on his Nintendo Game Boy. I can only hope he defeated King Koopa and saved the Princess.

Note that, a year later, Derrick McKey missed seven games with the same injury. Uh huh. Mind you, this is the same player for whom I created the term flu-like symptoms, so you'll excuse me if I remain suspicious.

Luc Longley: During the 1996-97 season, the Bulls lost Longley's services for seven weeks after he got hurt body surfing. Yeah. Luc was body-surfing off the coast of Los Angeles coast when an unexpectedly strong wave drove him shoulder-first into the ocean floor and knocked his clavicle and shoulder out of place.

Moochie Norris: In March of 1999, Moochie -- who was given his nickname by his grandfather, who loved the Cab Calloway song Minnie the Moocher -- asked his team (the Seattle SuperSonics) to put him on the injured list because of insomnia. Apparently, Mooch had suffered from insomnia since his mother had died of cancer in 1989, and he (supposedly) only got about two hours of sleep on most nights. The Sonics weren't fond of that excuse, so a few days later they waived Moochie to make room for John Crotty. Yes, John Crotty.

Mo Williams: Mo missed a game against the Pacers last season with pubic symphysitis. (Editor's note: That's an injury to the pubic symphysis, which is a cartilaginous joint above the man region.) I have no idea how you injure this sensitive joint, but surgically cutting it allows more of the penis to hang outside the body, thereby increasing its length. I'm not trying to insinuate that Mo had elective surgery to make his dong longer, but...no, actually, that's kind of what I'm insinuating.

Muggsy Bogues: The tiny, tiny man (who was playing for the Toronto Raptors) missed the second half of a game against the Portland Trailblazers after accidentally sucking in some ointment fumes during a halftime treatment. ("Ointment fumes"...so that's what the kids are calling it these days? I guess I should double-check with Josh Howard.) Said Bogues: "Never happened to me before and I hope it never happens again. That was one of those fluke things you don't even dream about."

Rex Chapman: Sexy Rexy (who was playing for the Phoenix Suns) missed five games during the 1998-99 season with turf toe. Which is also known as a metatarsalphalangeal joint sprain, in case you're so bored you were actually wondering. I guess that sort of explains why he used to just run from three-point line to three-point line.

Ron Artest: Ron-Ron threw his back out of whack...driving his wife's Mercedes. This is apparently what happens when you stuff an extra-large body into an extra-small space.

Scott Williams: While playing for the Chicago Bulls during the Michael Jordan-less 1993-94 season, Williams had a string of bizarre injuries. First, he missed four days of practice after straining his shoulder at the team's annual bowling outing. A few days later, he hurt his back lifting a TV he bought on sale. Then, later in the season, he injured a tendon behind his right kneecap while stretching, and that was the end of his season. That kind of injury proneness would make even Bill Walton wince.

Tony Allen: He blew out his knee -- tearing both the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) and medial collateral ligament (MCL) -- while throwing one down after the whistle had blown during the final minute of a meaningless game against the Pacers. That's a direct message from the Basketball Gods, and it can be interpreted as: "Thou shalt not showboat, mortal fool!" Oh, and the worst part (as several people have pointed out)? He blew the dunk. Video below. [You can thank LooseChange and her amazing brain for this one.]

Vladimir Radmanović: In February of 2007, Radmanović separated his shoulder falling on a patch of ice in Park City, Utah. Or so he claimed. But a few days later, Radmanović admitted that he had actually hurt himself in a fall while snowboarding. Said the Radman: "The truth is that I hurt myself in a fall while snowboarding. Being young and sometimes immature, I initially panicked and made up a false story about how I hurt myself. However, over the past few days my conscience has been bothering me terribly. I am not a dishonest person and could no longer live with this deception. Therefore, I came forward today and told the truth to the Lakers." Mind you, his contract specifically banned him from taking part in activities that involve significant risk of injury, including skiing and snowboarding. The space cadet was fined $500,000 for his stupidity. [Many thanks to plonden for jogging my memory on this one.]

Worst Evers: The Minute Men

2008-07-02T13:50:00.003-05:00

Some people believe that anybody who becomes a professional basketball players is worthy of a certain amount of respect and admiration. I disrespectfully disagree. There are five former players whose "careers" are, in my estimation, deserving only of mockery, which I will provide in the following paragraphs. Because these men, these titans of disrepute, all logged exactly one minute of NBA action...ever.

Andy Panko and Cedric Hunter: Panko -- born Andrew John Panko III -- was a 6'9" forward out of Lebenon Valley College. Hunter was a 6'0" guard from the University of Kansas. These two men, so different in so many ways, were united by one ignominious feat: They scored a one trillion...for their entire career. Panko's one minute of career nothingness was achieved on January 11, 2001 against the Golden State Warriors (Panko played for the Hawks, appropriately enough). Hunter's meaningless 60 seconds of lifework happened on February 16, 1992 against the Miami Heat (Hunter was a member of the Charlotte Hornets). I have repeatedly used the one trillion as a means of describing a player's complete and utter statistical insignificance. Notching a trillion here or there is one thing, but having a "career" that is a one trillion? It's so sad it's awesome.

Barry Sumpter: Barry was a 6'11" foward-center out of, uh, Austin Peay State University? (Yes, it's a real place.) But, to be fair, after one season at APSU, he transferred to Louisville where he promptly became not as good. But he still managed to sign a one-year, $100,000 contract with -- prepare to be very not surprised -- the Los Angeles Clippers for the 1988-89 season. He played his minute on April 2, 1989 against the soon-to-be NBA champion Detroit Pistons. Unlike Panko and Hunter, Barry managed to at least get off a shot...which he missed. His infamous career ended 0-for-1 and zero-for-everything else. Unless you count his PER score of -30.2.

Forest Able: Forest Edward Able -- also known as "Frosty" -- was a 6'3" guard out of Western Kentucky University. Frosty "played" for the Syracuse Nationals during the 1956-57 season, and he packed a lot of activity into his one minute of lack-tion: 2 shots (both of which he missed), 1 rebound, 1 assist and 1 personal foul. So, you know, he tried (even if he did fail in epic fashion). His career PER of -41.3 is enough to make stat-heads weep.

Dave Scholz: Mr. Scholz -- whose nickname of "Dave" was a stroke of inspired genius -- the "greatest" player in this group, in that he's the only one who actually scored two points on 1-for-1 shooting. This means that he shot 100 percent for his career and averaged an incredible 96 points per 48 minutes. Oh, and his career Player Efficiency Rating (PER) of 67.6 is more than double Michael Jordan's 27.91. So, according to John Hollinger's stats, Dave Scholz may be the best basketball player in NBA history.

Poster Boy Classics: Bill Robinzine

2008-07-01T11:41:00.004-05:00

Bill Robinzine was a 6'7" forward out of DePaul University who played seven seasons (1975–1982) in the NBA for the Kansas City Kings, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, and Utah Jazz. He averaged 10 PPG and 6 RPG, and he appeared in only eight playoff games (all for the Kings). So chances are, you've never heard of him. But if you have heard of him, it's probably not for anything he accompished in his career. Unless you consider surviving a brutal posterization to be an "accomplishment."

In November 1979, Darryl "Chocolate Thunder" Dawkins dunked on Robinzine with such matchless seismicity that the backboard freaking exploded, sending Robinzine scampering away like a 10-year-old girl who just watched her pet kitten "Nibbles" get eaten alive by bullet ants.

To add insult to Bill's ego-ectomy, Dawkins named the dunk "Chocolate Thunder Flying, Glass Flying, Robinzine Crying, Babies Crying, Glass Still Flying, Catch Crap, Rump Roasting, Bun Toasting, Thank You, Wham, Bam, I Am Jam." Because nothing eases the pain of a savage facial quite like having your terrified retreat immortalized in a 25-word dunk name.

Here's a fun little video tribute to the event.

Fun fact: Chocolate Thunder was inventing dunk names waaaaay before NBA Street was doing it. Here are some of his best: the Rim Wrecker, the Go-Rilla, the Look Out Below, the In-Your-Face Disgrace, the Cover Your Head, the Yo-Mama, and the Spine-Chiller Supreme.

Word of the Day: Trent Tucker Rule

2008-07-01T09:40:00.003-05:00

Trent Tucker Rule (trent tuk'-uhr rool) noun. The NBA rule that disallows any standard shot (specifically a "catch and shoot" attempt) to be taken if the ball is put into play with less than three-tenths of a second left on the game clock.

Usage example: There's only one-tenth of a second left. According to the Trent Tucker Rule, that means there isn't enough time left to catch the ball and shoot it.

Word history: Most astute NBA fans are aware of this rule, but there are still plenty of people who don't know why it was originally created. The rule was conceived (although nobody knew it at the time) on January 15, 1990 during a game between the Chicago Bulls and New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden. The score was tied at 106 with one-tenth of a second left in regulation and the Knicks had possession of the ball. During a time-out called by the Knicks, both teams prepared for the (seemingly) inevitable final play: An alley-oop lob pass to Patrick Ewing.

Knicks coach Stu Jackson designed the play so that Trent Tucker would act as a decoy to draw Michael Jordan out to the perimeter and open up a lane for Patrick Ewing to receive the pass. But according to Tucker: "Michael read the play, which took away our number one option. We really didn't have a number two option because we were (only) one-tenth of a second, and we didn't have a lot of time."

When play resumed, Mark Jackson -- who was inbounding the ball for New York -- saw that the Bulls had the play covered, so he inbounded the ball to Tucker, the only open player. Tucker turned and hit a three-pointer at the buzzer, propelling the Knicks to a 109-106 victory. This is how Tucker described the final play: "Mark gave me a flip, and I shot the ball as quickly as I could. Scottie Pippen's hand met my hand as the ball left. When it went in, the Garden went crazy and we took off of the court. Phil Jackson (the Bulls' coach) was waving, 'No way, no basket.' We ran to the locker room, undressed as quickly as we could and got into the shower to make sure that they (the officials) wouldn't call us back on the floor. In our minds, the game is over."

It wasn't over for the Bulls, though. Phil Jackson, typically, was incensed. He argued vehemently that it was impossible to get a shot off in that amount of time. "A second or two, maybe. But in one-tenth of a second it can't be done. You can't shoot a shot in that time. The officials are still getting adjusted to the tenths of a second.'' Then, in true Zing Master style, he put in a final jab: "It was a judgment call. They just got a friendly call and let's leave it at that." Ah, the more things change, the more they don't...

Anyway, Jackson and the Bulls decided not to just "leave it at that." They filed an official protest with the NBA -- which cost them $1,500, by the way -- in an attempt to have the shot overturned. Had they won the protest, the teams would have had to replay the final tenth of a second and (if necessary) play one or more overtime periods to conclude the game.

It didn't matter. NBA commissioner David Stern denied their appeal. (Come on...he's always been a New York guy!) Stern admitted that Tucker's shot came well after time had expired but said that, according to league rules, the commissioner can uphold a protest only in cases in which a playing rule has been violated or misapplied. But in the case of the game in question, Stern "pointed out with legalistic exactitude" that no rules were violated; the officials simply started the clock too late, giving Tucker the time he needed to attempt the shot.

Said the Commish: "The question before me is not whether Trent Tucker received Mark Jackson's pass and released his shot within one-tenth of second. Plainly, he did not. The question presented by Chicago's protest, rather, is whether the referees' failure to disallow Tucker's shot constitutes a sufficient basis for overturning the result of the game. The NBA has consistently denied protest based on errors in judgment by the game officials." Again, the more things change, the more they don't...

Even though he slapped down the Bulls' protest, Stern announced that from that point forward, if the ball is put into play with less than three-tenths of a second on the clock, "any shot other than a tip-in or an alley-oop must be disallowed." And thus the Trent Tucker Rule was born.

But the new rule could not erase Tucker's accomplishment. Or his joy over it. "It's the greatest shot I ever made. I just caught the ball and flung it. When the ball left my hands, I knew it was on target. What I didn't know was whether it had the distance. When it went in, I thought to myself, 'not bad for a guy who was supposed to be a decoy on the play."

Further reading: The official NBA rulebook states that: "NO LESS THAN :00.3 must expire on the game clock when a player secures possession of an inbounds pass and then attempts a field goal. If less than :00.3 expires in such a situation, the timer will be instructed to deduct AT LEAST :00.3 from the game clock. If less than :00.3 remain on the game clock when this situation occurs, the period is over, and the field goal attempt will be disallowed immediately whether successful or unsuccessful." You can read more if you follow the link, but that's the gist of it. You can also go to Hoopedia for a detailed description of how the rule is implemented.

Update! Mighty Science, with help from Jason Kapono and his beautiful hair, has proven that it is in fact possible to catch and shoot with less than three-tenths of a second. And here's the video to prove it. (But don't expect a rule change any time soon.) Thanks to Basketbawful reader herman for the link.

Wanted: Nominations for the NBA Worsties

2008-06-30T14:47:00.003-05:00

We are currently accepting nominations for the second annual edition of the NBA Worsties, a list that describes the best of the worst of the recently concluded season. And there's a lot of it.

We'll be publishing the Worsties some time next week, so act fast. All nominations should include:

1. A title (or titles) for the entry (or entries).

2. A pithy quote/description for the entry (or entries).

3. Your preferred name/alias and/or a Web site address that can be included in the entry. (I do try to credit my sources.)

You can also -- and this would be wicked helpful -- provide story and (if available) video links to support your nomination. Submissions can be left in the comments section of this post or sent to us directly in the form of e-mails (the address is provided on the main page), smoke signals, or psychic mind-rays.

Reference: Feel free to read the 2006-07 NBA Worsties for reference. Or because they are awesome.

Worst Evers: Triple-doubles

2008-06-29T22:33:00.007-05:00

Anthony Bowie has a lot to be proud of. Despite being selected in the third round of the 1986 NBA Draft (a.k.a. "The Len Bias Draft") and spending the first several years of his "professional" career playing in the CBA and a handful of European minor leagues, he managed to eke out eight seasons worth of NBA employment. What's more, he actually became a valuable reserve for the Orlando Magic, particularly in 1991-92 when he averaged 14.6 PPG, 4.7 RPG and 3.1 APG while shooting almost 50 percent from the field and nearly 40 percent from distance. Why, he even had two nicknames ("A.B." and "Boo") and could rightly make the claim that he's one of the top 10 players to ever come out of Oklahoma! Laugh all you want, but I bet you can't say that.

However, on March 9, 1996, A.B. did something that he should not have been proud of...although he obviously was: His first (and only) career triple double. And it will live on in infamy as one of the worst cases of stat padding in league history.

Here's what happened: The Magic were leading the Detroit Pistons by 20 points when Bowie -- who was making his second start of the season in place of the injured Nick Anderson -- rebounded a Piston miss. That carom gave Bowie 20 points, 10 rebounds and 9 assists, so he quickly called timeout with 2.7 seconds left so he could go for the triple-double. Magic coach Brian Hill was so upset he handed Bowie his clipboard and stormed away. A.B. drew up a play that called for the ball to be inbounded to him and for him to throw a lob pass to David Vaughn.

Doug Collins, who was coaching the Pistons, angrily told his players to stand at the side of the court when play resumed and not contest Bowie's pass. (That'll show 'em, Doug.) They did what they were told; Vaughn dunked the ball home and Bowie got the assist and his cherished triple-double. The funny thing is, that one meek show of protest sort of epitomizes everything that was wrong with Collins as a coach...and David Stern fined him $5K for it. (Thank God he's not coming back to Chicago to coach next season.)

This is what Bowie said after the game: "I'll probably never have the opportunity to do it again. It was entirely me. Coach (Brian) Hill had nothing to do with the timeout. I knew when he gave me the board that it was up to me. You only get so many opportunities, and that's why I did it. Whether they’re going to move over or whatever they’re going to do, I'll take it. It's all the same. I ran over to tell Doug Collins the situation, that it was a great opportunity for me, but that I didn't want to make anybody mad. He didn't listen."

Imagine that.

Shaq, who was still with the Magic, supported his teammate's stat-mongery (naturally). This is what the Big Quotable had to say: "I'm glad he did it. I don't care who gets mad. Because of the talent on this team, Anthony Bowie doesn't get a chance to play a lot. He was in the CBA. A lot of people thought he couldn't make it. He got a chance. He came over here, and that's his first career triple-double. I'm glad for him and could care less if Doug Collins got mad." (It's sort of ironic that, just a couple years earlier, Shaq publically -- and very bitterly -- complained that David Robinson had padded his own stats to "steal" the 1994 league scoring title.)

Hill wasn't quite as forgiving as Shaq, and he issued an apology during his post-game interview. "I want to formally apologize to Coach Collins, his staff, the Pistons, organization and the Orlando fans for the timeout that was called. I thought it was totally uncalled for, and it's something I regret."

Of course, Hill was the guy who handed his clipboard over to Bowie and let it all happen. He could have benched him, or told his player not to do it...I mean, he was the coach, right?

Years later, Bowie remained unrepentant. When asked if embarrassing himself and his opponents was worth it, this is what he said: "To me, yes, it was worth it. You know, people can say what they want, and you know, think of me as a bad guy, but it was an opportunity for me. You know, I ended up playing the 48 minutes all the way out to the last second, that's all it was....you know, you always hear the coaches say play to the last second. And, you know, for me, it was an opportunity, you know -- who knows, I mean, I may have never got to start again, but the opportunity for me was there, and I took advantage of the opportunity.

"Would I do it again in the same situation? If I got to play the whole 48 minutes out, yes I would. I mean, people can say they wouldn't do it again, but when you're in that situation, you just never know what you're going to do. You know, we can pretend that we're going to do certain things at certain times, but when it comes down to reality, you know, we don't know what's going to happen. We really don't know what's going to happen. So I probably would do it again."

Dishonorable mentions: The Bowie story has served as a cautionary tale for future stat padders, but at least two players totally ignored it.

On March 16, 2003, Ricky Davis -- then a Cleveland Cavalier -- had accumulated 28 points, 12 assists and 9 rebounds during a blowout of the Utah Jazz. But that wasn't enough for Davis, who caught an inbounds pass with six seconds left and was about to shoot at his own basket so that he could miss and get his 10th rebound. But DeShawn Stevenson wrapped him up and spoiled his plan. Naturally, Davis showed no remorse after the game, saying: "[The Jazz] should be mad. Any team that gets beat that bad shouldn't be happy. I'd probably be mad, too, losing by 20."

Stevenson, believe it or not, actually busted on Davis for not acting professionally. "There's too many people who have done too much for this sport to act like that. This is the NBA, and you've got to be professional, and that's not professional. Yes, I think it was disrespect to the game and disrespect to me. You've got little kids looking up to him and to see him do that isn't right." Uhm, what happened to that DeShawn Stevenson? Might be time to check his basement for body snatcher pods.

Of course, Davis never would have gotten his triple-double that way: Rule 5, Section 1 of the league's official rules states that: "It is a violation for a player to attempt a field goal at an opponent's basket. The opposing team will be awarded the ball at the free throw line extended." So he made himself look like a huge jackass for nothing. Awesome.

Just over a year later, on April 12, 2004, Bob Sura intentionally missed a shot right before the final buzzer and grabbed the board to "earn" a triple-double of 22 points, 11 assists and 10 rebounds. (At least he was actually shooting at the right basket.) Sura tried to cover for his superdickery joking that the shot "slipped" out of his hands. Ha. Ha.

David Stern found the situation so funny that he discounted the shot attempt on the grounds that a "slip" doesn't count as a shot since the rules clearly state that: "A field goal attempt is a player's attempt to shoot the ball into the basket for a field goal." In other words, if Sura wasn't trying to put the ball in the basket, there could be no shot attempt. And if there was no shot attempt, there could be no rebound. Gotcha, Bobby!

Unlike Bowie and Davis, at least Sura showed a little humility after getting slapped down by the league office. "I'm disappointed that my attempt to earn my third triple caused so much controversy. It was never my intention to make a mockery of our sport and to take any attention away from our huge win over the Nets. If anyone was offended by my actions, I sincerely apologize."

The 2008 NBA Draft: All you need to know

2008-06-27T10:40:00.001-05:00

Derrick Rose: This is a story of a non-pick. Everyone knows the Bulls don't need another guard and have plenty of need for an inside scorer. But the fact that Michael Beasley is the same height as Marcus Fizer and is a bit too flaky to fit Paxson's humble, hard-working, overachiever mold was enough to scare them off. The inevitable trade in the next months will determine how successful this pick was, but Rose will follow the long tradition of successful Chicago natives to play for the Bulls (see: Dave Corzine, Craig Hodges, Eddy Curry, AJ Guyton, Randy Brown). Bulls expect: Jason Kidd. Statbuster expects: A poor man's Gary Payton.

Michael Beasley: In one respect the Bulls had a legit beef with Beasley; he has the makings of a defensive liability in the pros. On top of being a shade too short for the 4, he's an average shot blocker for someone as athletic as he is. But that won't matter in Miami. Remember, Mark Blount starts for them. The Heat expect: Shawn Kemp. Statbuster expects: Antawn Jamison.

OJ Mayo: I'm beginning to wonder why the Wolves are stockpiling guards (they drafted Randy Foye, Rashad McCants and Corey Brewer the last three years). Are they preparing for a shooting guard famine of some sort? By mid-season, when Minnesota has 30 losses and OJ is backing up Marko Jaric, he will no longer deserve a cool nickname. OJ will be known here as Ovinton the Turnover-Prone Jump Shooter. (Edit: OJ drove his white Ford Bronco to Memphis for Kevin Love, but the Wolves also took on Brian Cardinal and Jason Collins. Apparently the Wolves are hoarding slow-moving stiffs with horrible contracts as well.) The Wolves Expect: Mitch Richmond. Statbuster expects: Harold Miner went to USC. I'm just sayin'.

Russell Westbrook: The fourth pick overall is too high for a 6'3" player with 12 ppg and shaky PG skills, regardless of whatever is in your shoes. If he proves to be a passable defender at SG, Kevin Durant will be able to move back to his natural position at SF, and Jeff Green can move back to his natural position at the end of the bench. The team formerly known as the Sonics expect: Monta Ellis. Statbuster expects: Juan Dixon.

Kevin Love: Kevin Love one-ups most other big men in the draft with his ability to pass and step out and hit the 3. And he is the master of the 94-foot chest pass. Love looks to be an All-Rookie First-Teamer if he can keep his chronic fatness under control. Which is no small task when you have a place like Corky's Ribs right down the street. (Edit: Kevin Love went to Minnesota for OJ Mayo and Antoine Walker. Expect them both to start next season. That should be awesome.) The Grizzlies Expect: Derrick Coleman. Statbuster expects: In true Grizzlies fashion, the rest of their roster will be culled to reduce payroll.

Danilo Gallinari: Judging by the way he was booed on draft night, Gallinari may be the most hated Italian since Benito Mussolini or Chef Boyardee. Or maybe the Isiah Era has taught Knicks fans to instinctively boo anything the team does. If he can find a way to shoot over 35%, he's a lock to steal Quentin Richardson's PT. The Knicks expect: Hedo Turkoglu. Statbuster expects: to get a lot of mileage out of that Big Cock nickname.

Eric Gordon: Eric Gordon worries me. First of all, he looks too much like Emmanuel Lewis. Plus he went to a Big Ten school, which also has implications. Not to mention he is an undersized SG that isn't much of a ball hander and only shot 43% from the field and had a 0.7 assist/turnover ratio. Some people point to the wrist injury he had late in the season, but that is just too much suckage to ignore. The Clippers expect: Hersey Hawkins. Statbuster expects: Fred Jones.

DJ Augustin: The Bobcats drafting another PG probably indicates the Raymond Felton experiment is coming to a close. DJ is a better shooter than Felton, but he suffers from short man's disease at 5'11". The list of PGs under 6'0" that made an impact in the pros is not as long as you think (Calvin Murphy, Terrell Brandon, Michael Adams, and, um..). They'll wish they took Brook Lopez when Nazr Mohammed is still clocking 30 minutes a night. The Bobcats expect: A low-budget Steve Nash. Statbuster expects: Travis Best.

Also worth mentioning...

Portland Tradeblazers 2K8: Turned the 13th into a top lottery pick (by trading Brandon Rush for Jerryd Bayless, who was projected top-five) and the 24th pick into a lottery pick (by trading for Darrell Arthur, a projected lottery guy, who they then traded to Houston) and then escaped the 2nd round with 4 future picks! Not to mention they unloaded Jarrett Jack in the process. Portland is overflowing with loot they've pillaged from inept GMs over the years. Kevin Pritchard is a genius, and I kind of hate him.

Darrell Arthur: The Kansas guys (the other being Mario Chalmers, who went in the 2nd round to Miami) will be the steals of the draft. Darrell Arthur eventually ended up in Houston, but he was in the green room for an painful length of time when a kidney ailment almost caused him to slip from the lottery to the second round. Teams were selecting Big Ten centers and 18 year old foreigners with no intent to play in the NBA while Arthur wept softly and filled out his NBDL application.

Brook and Robin Lopez: Twin 7-footers from Stanford sounds suspiciously familiar. Brook is a little better than that, but my bet is that Robin (the one with the Joakim Noah hair) will become Jarron.

Joe Alexander: Joe speaks fluent Chinese, so apparently he was drafted to help lift Yi Jianlian out of his hopeless depression. That is, until Yi was dealt to NJ for Richard Jefferson. Which means Joe will take Yi's spot on the team as the token Asian guy. Until people realize that Joe isn't Asian, which may take until mid-January. It is Milwaukee, after all.

WNBA Worst of the Night: June 26, 2008

2008-06-27T09:41:00.004-05:00

Since Statbuster was covering the draft, I decided to turn my attention to the speed, athleticism and sheer beauty of the WNBA. It did ~~not~~ disappoint.

Katie Douglas: The former Boilermaker scored 18 points for her team. Unfortunately, it took her 20 shots to get there. A 5-for-20 shooting line isn't good. Even by WNBA standards. And her misdirected shooting -- she lead her team in shot attempts, by the way -- was largely responsible for the Fever's triple-overtime loss to the Liberty. But hey, look at the bright side: She had only the second-worst +/- score on the team (-10).

Alison Bales and Sherill Baker: These Indiana reserves showed why they should be lacquered to the bench. Bales' one lonely rebound saved her from a four trillion, and Baker earned a Mario for her 45 seconds of nothingness.

Connecticut Sun: New England's finest (female basketball players) started the game like a fire that had recently been extinguished, scoring only 7 points in the first quarter (which, sadly, was only their second-lowest single-quarter output of the season). They shot only 32 percent for the game as starters Lindsay Whalen, Barbara Turner and Amber Hold combined to shoot 2-for-16. Add to that the nine bricked freethrows and the 16 turnovers (to only 10 assists), and the team had good reason to weep (except big girls don't cry...or so I've heard).

Detroit's fourth quarter: The Shock scored 6 points in the fourth. Wait...6 points?! It's wrong for men to hit women, but I bet Bill Laimbeer sure felt like doing it. (Not that he really needs a reason to feel like hitting someone.)

Damned evil pie: Seimone Augustus ate some pie -- presumably not baked by her -- during a pregame meal...and it threw a barf party in her stomach. Augustus' tummy was aching so badly by halftime that the Minnesota training staff said she was doubtful for the second half. But it was "pie," not "die," so Augustus returned to score 12 of her team-high 23 points in the final two quarters to lead the Lynx over the Monarchs 80-76. But the experience has left a lasting scar that may never fully heal. "I'll never eat another piece of pie before I come to the game. There was no way I was going to stay out of the game. With a game like this and so much on the line as far as playoff position, I wasn't going to miss too many minutes." That's one tuff grrl, eh?

The San Antonio Stars' bench: The Stars lost 77-71 to the Houston Comets last night despite the fact that all five of their starters scored in double-figures. But that was because their bench barely added a figure. The reserves contributed 2 points (1-for-10), 3 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 turnover, and 7 fouls in about 28 minutes of lack-tion. Of course, you probably can't blame the bench for the fact that San Antonio let Houston shoot 56 percent from the field...

Bizarre promotions: The Stars hosted "Hoops Hound Night" last night. I will now let the jokes for naturally of their own accord.

~~Crazy~~ Eccentric fans: I really hope this isn't true...

I have only one word for this: Hot. That Becky is one, uh, lucky girl.

Chicago Sky: The sky truly is the limit for the women of the Windy City. There literally is no upper limit to how much they can suck. Their next-to-last-in-the-league record - second only to Atlanta's 0-13 mark - fell to 3-9 after an 89-79 home loss to the Phoenix Mercury. The loss was made possible in part by 35 percent shooting (28-for-80), eight missed foul shots, and 17 turnovers. But I'll say this for the ladies: They sure did hit the boards. The Sky pulled down a franchise record 25 offensive rebounds.

Diana Taurasi, quote machine: The Phoenix forward finished with 16 points, 9 assists, and a healthy dose of incredulity regarding her team's meek surrender on the offensive glass. "They had 25 [offensive rebounds]? It felt like they had 105. You know what, we're used to getting people world records. But as long as we get the 'W' we don't mind." So by that reasoning if you let somebody eat a kitten or knock over an old lady but you still won, everything would be cool...is that what you're saying, Diana?!

The Cha Cha Slide: Uh. No. (And that's reason #373.)

Washington Mystics: The witches shot 37 percent from the field (and only 31 percent from two-point range). They missed 14 freethrows (13-for-27). They scored only 10 points in the second quarter. And they committed 17 turnovers. But here's the kicker: They won.

Los Angeles Sparks: These ladies had the dubious distinction of losing to the Mystics in overtime, thanks primarily to their three-point clankfest (3-for-12) and 21 turnovers (compared to 16 assists). Oh, and they scored zero points in the overtime session.

Michael Cooper: Can a coach dis his team and throw his starting PG under the bus in two sentences or less? Mr. Cooper thinks so. Said Coop: "It was a horrible game by us. We've got to get us a point guard, somebody who can handle pressure and do all the things that we need her to do." Way to give your girls confidence, coach.

Pejas and kitties and space bears...oh my!

2008-06-26T11:42:00.003-05:00

Even as Sam Presti prepares to select the fourth overall pick in tonight's NBA Draft, the battle wages on to determine whether the SuperSonics will be moving to Oklahoma City or staying put in Seattle. Anything can happen, but I personally think the Sonics are going to be seeing a lot less rain very shortly.

So I'd like to take a few minutes and harken back to everything the Seattle SuperSonics have given us over the years: Those back-to-back finals appearances, the 1979 league championship, that improbable run to the '87 Western Conference Finals, the most epic first round failure of all time (until the Mavericks trumped them last year), the follow-up failure, that NBA Finals appearance against the Bulls, the Shawn Kemp of elevator operators, and an unforgettable cast of characters: Dale Ellis, Dennis Johnson, Detlef Schrempf, Gary Payton, Gus Williams, Jack Sikma, Lenny Wilkens, Nate McMillan, Rashard Lewis, Ray Allen, Sam Perkins, Shawn Kemp, Spencer Haywood, Xavier McDaniel, and...

...Predrag Drobnjak?!

Yes, Predrag "the other Peja" Drobnjak. He was a Sonic for two largely forgettable seasons (2001-02 and 2002-03). And while his averages (about 8 PPG and 3 RPG) were nothing to write back to Montenegro about, he did make one lasting contribution to the franchise that may even surpass the extreme awesomeness of that '79 title: A series of commercials promoting the "Super Sonic Seat Sale."

Prepare for space bears, a cat named Jinkies, third-degree burns, a Brent Barry talking bobblehead, lines like "Don't probe my body," and the acting skillz of Jerome James. Originally posted at Fan IQ and With Leather (and maybe some other places I don't know about).

Dwyane Wade's "Sueper Sex" pills

2008-06-26T09:44:00.003-05:00

Some days you just wake up and hit the jackpot. For me, today was one of those days. And in this case, the "jackpot" arrived in the form of the following e-mail from a reader named Martin.

"I recently completed a trip to China. The Chinese are famous for their use of unauthorized images of Western celebrities on billboards and other ads. I stumbled across this excellent example walking down the streets of Yonkan. It was a small billboard in front of a sex shop. An Angry looking Dwyane Wade will have a hard time to convince me to buy this sex pill. However, an angry Dwyane Wade who's on this pill, which is 'effective for man only,' might do the trick in a prison shower scene."

That look on Wade's face is pure pricelessness. It's the perfect (and somewhat bizarre) mixture of shock, rage and unsurpassed joy. It's like the pill just caused his penis to spontaneously grow ten feet and then explode. (My guess? That's the expression he made when the the Miami's 2007-08 season finally came to an end.)

Bad news for the erectionally-challenged: Based on my own experiments with Chinese penis supplements -- done solely for the sake of scientific curiosity of course - I can tell you that the "time delay" lasts roughly forever. So do yourself and your genitals a favor and buy your fake Viagra from Canada or Mexico like everybody else.

Update! Basketbawful reader DavidD had this to add: "That looks like the NBA Live 06 (?) cover shot of Wade. Or that could be his reaction to Star Jones naked...." Now, personally, I thought it was the latter. Turns out it was actually the former. That is, indeed, Wade's cover shot from the Xbox 360 version of NBA Live 06. And I'm guessing that the makers of the Sueper Sex time delay capsules did not get permission from D-Wade or EA Sports ("It's in the game!").

The Shawn Kemp of elevator operators

2008-06-25T13:53:00.004-05:00

I will never again be able to ride in an elevator with an old white lady without wondering whether she's secretly (and rather breathlessly) fantasizing about being a huge black man. Of course, if she was really the Shawn Kemp of elevator operators, she'd be bathing in Twinkie filling and sweating out a few dozen late child support payments.

The ultra-rare double flopparoonie

2008-06-25T09:14:00.004-05:00

This clip wasn't included in the "You Got Ginobli'd" video, but it may very well be our favorite Ginobili Special: Manu flops not once but twice on the same possession. But the best part, without question, is the first flop...which is actually a double flopparoonie with Steve Nash, who comically splays his arms and legs out after he falls. This is much more rare than hot chicks with douchebags (which, as it turns out, isn't that rare at all).

Enjoy it. Supposedly this kind of stuff won't happen next season...

Joe Arpaio to Shaq: "Tell me how my butt tastes."

2008-06-25T08:12:00.005-05:00

Joe Arpaio -- known far and kind of wide as "America's Toughest Sheriff" -- has de-deputized The Big Law Enforcer for his use of profanity and (especially) the dreaded N-word during that freestylin' ~~Shaq~~ Rap Attack on Kobe Bryant.

In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's the backstory: Arpaio, sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona, presented Shaq with a special deputy badge in January 2006 after The Big Constable visited Maricopa County. The Big Flatfoot was then given a second badge when he was promoted to the rank of special-deputy colonel of his posse -- a volunteer organization of crime-fighting citizens -- after he and the Miami Heat won the NBA championship in 2006.

Said Arpaio: "I do believe in free speech, but I don't believe that in law enforcement to use this type of language is proper. We set an example, a moral, ethical example and I would like to think that basketball players and all athletes should be setting a positive attitude for our young people. He has some type of representation of this office. I just want my badges back. I don't want anybody to say that he has my badges and I condone this type of activity."

I guess Joe hadn't seen this old TNT interview before he deputized Shaq...

He must have also missed Shaq's "racially insensitive" comments on Yao Ming.

Of course, The Big Humorist explained to ESPN's Stephen A. Smith that he was just funnin'. But Arpaio was forced to shenanigans...particularly since he had fired a cadet last April for using the N-word in the presence of other officers. "Is that an excuse? That you're joking? What's that got to do with it? You've still got to be held responsible for your actions. I can't have a double-standard. I can't fire one deputy for using a word and just let him get a pass when he's got my badges. You do the right thing, no matter who he is."

The right thing. Okay. I guess I can see that. Except I have a sneaking suspicion that, in the first place, Arpaio only deputized Shaq for the sake of publicity. And taking back the badges is also being done for publicity, and probably to "make a point" to his other deputies and deputy wannabes. But it seems a little hypocritical to me. I mean, Shaq filmed Kazaam and recorded Shaq-Fu [Da Return] long before he was awarded honorary cop powers in Maricopa County. If Arpaio disregarded those crimes against humanity, then surely he could have overlooked Shaq's silly little anti-Mamba rap.

Not everybody is ripping on the Big Improver for his extemporaneous limerick, though. Rappers Snoop Dogg, Nas and Cory Gunz have spoken up to let everybody know it's all cool. Snoop, who's a big Lakers fan, said: "I love it, because it only makes for a great game on the court. Both of them is rappers; they tried rapping before. They know ain't no rules when it comes to rapping. Shaq has all access and the right to do and say what he wants to say in fun, in the spirit of rap."

Nas sort of said the same thing in, uh, stronger terms. "I heard about it. Shaq is my man — f*** Kobe. Nas' wife Kelis, who was in the background talking to her friends, said "Big up to Shaq."

Gunz, who was celebrating his birthday with Shaq during the rap, said: "It's all in fun. People thought he was doing it just to take shots at Kobe. He's not even thinking about [Kobe] like that. As a matter of fact, it's no bitterness towards Kobe at all. It was all done in fun to get the crowd hype. That's what real MCs do: get the crowd involved."

There you have it. So all you cracker sheriffs out there can just calm the hell down. This is hip hop man, hip hop!

Fun fact: Arpaio got the moniker "America's Toughest Sheriff" because he banned smoking in the jail, feeds inmates bologna, makes non-English speakers learn English, runs chain gangs, and forces prisoners to wear pink underwear. To which I can't help but think: That makes him America's "toughest" sheriff? As far as I'm concerned, lunchmeat sandwiches and mildly feminine boxer shorts should be the least of an inmates worries. They should be eating broken glass and smashing rocks 28 hours a day. They're prisoners. I'm just sayin'.

Word of the Day: Shaqenfreude

2008-06-24T09:30:00.004-05:00

Shaqenfreude (shak'-uhn-froid'-uh) noun. The pleasure that one basketball player derives from pointing out and/or mocking the misfortune of another player or players. The target can be anyone, but in most cases, it is a bitter, long-time rival.

Usage example: Kareem's "An Open Letter to Wilt ChumperLame" was pure Shaqenfreude.

Word history: The term was coined by Eoin of Psychadelic Kimchi in response to the Big Scorner's recent freestyle Shaq Attack on former teammate and continuing antagonist Kobe Bryant. It is, of course, a parody of the term Shadenfreude, which is the enjoyment taken from another person's misfortune.

But don't think for a minute that The Big Creaky invented this phenomenon. Shaqenfreude isn't a new thing. Not by a long shot. For example, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar -- after a few decades worth of back-and-forth acrimony with Wilt Chamberlain -- included "An Open Letter To Wilt Chumperlame" in his 1989 self-titled autobiography. The rambling "correspondence" goes on for three long and bitter pages, and it includes lines like "Muhammad Ali, he set the record straight on your attributes, saying to me, 'Wilt can't talk, he's ugly and he can't move!' Which says it all. So when I dropped those fifty points on you at the Forum...I was just taking advantage of your weak defensive skills." and "People will remember that I worked with my teammates and helped us win. You will be remembered as a whining crybaby and a quitter, stats and all."

Classy stuff, huh?

The 2008 NBA Playoff Recap

2008-06-24T08:54:00.002-05:00

I wrote a playoff recap for Deadspin. It's basically a series of one-sentence summaries of all the zany shenanigans that took place from the first round through the Finals: From menacing hand gestures to payback hits on Zaza Pachulia to third-person self-referentiality to bitchslaps to improbable threes to crazy mom attacks...you name it, it's in there, with plenty of links to related stories, pictures and videos.

So don't just sit there: Go read it. It will make your mom love you again. I promise.

Shaq may forgive, but he never forgets

2008-06-23T22:39:00.008-05:00

Ah, that crazy Shaq. On Sunday night, the Big Geritol shoveled a huge scoop of dirt on the Lakers' playoff grave by taking a few not-even-remotely subtle shots at his favorite dart board: Kobe Bryant.

Shaq was freestyle rapping at a New York city club when he dropped some classic Hack-A-Mamba lines, including "Kobe couldn't do without me," "I'm a horse, Kobe ratted me out, that's why I'm getting divorced," and the soon-to-be-really-famous "Kobe...tell me how my ass tastes" And for your viewing pleasure, here's the video (originally posted on the TMZ Web site):

Typically, Shaq is already downplaying the whole thing. As he told ESPN's Stephen A. Smith: "I was freestyling. That's all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever. That is what MC's do. They freestyle when called upon. I'm totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all."

Uh huh.

Look, I might be a quarter-aged cracker with no idea what the freestyle rapping world is all about, but I do know that many a truth is said in jest. And Shaq has perfected the art of playfully -- but seriously -- criticizing any and everybody he feels hasn't shown him the proper respect. And regardless of their supposed reconciliation, Kobe will forever headline the Big Revenger's list of top offenders.

So was he clowning? Yes. But does he honestly believe what he said? Probably also yes. And it's unfortunate that he has to have his fun by bringing all this stuff back up.

Kobe, for his part, has thus far remained silent. And I figure he'll stay silent until the next time the Lakers play the Suns, at which time he'll probably light Phoenix up for 40+ and ask Shaq how his ass tastes.

Update! As super pointed out, in busting on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar during his freestylin', Shaq broke Ordinance 2257 of the Big Man Pecking Order Code: No big man under should talk about a big man above. Last time I checked, Kareem is the league's all-time leading scorer and has six MVPs and six titles. So, based on his own reasoning, Shaq should do to himself what he did to Greg Ostertag all those years ago.

Fun fact: The Shaq-Kobe feud has it's own Wikipedia page. Seriously.

Word of the Day: Calvin Murphy

2008-06-23T11:33:00.004-05:00

Calvin Murphy (kal'-vin mur'fe) noun. Denotes those occasions when a player finishes with 14 points and either 9 rebounds or 9 assists.

Usage example: I had a Calvin Murphy in a church league game last night: 14 points and 9 boards.

Word history: The term was coined by Ryan of Loudvillain, who created it "in honor of Calvin Murphy, who is thought to have had 14 children with nine different women. Not to be confused with a 'Kemp Dozen.'" It has been officially inducted into the Basketbawful Hall of Statistical Anomalies, along with the one trillion, the Mario, and whatever else you wanna name...

That's one big baby...

2008-06-23T08:17:00.002-05:00

Proponents of Chronological Snobbery regularly (and loudly) make the case that today's NBA player is superior in every way to the NBA player of yesterday: Like the Six Million Dollar Man -- better, stronger, faster. And it is to those people I submit this picture of Glen "Big ~~Baby~~ Man Boob" Davis from the Celtic championship parade.

Now, here's what I want to know. Supposedly, Kevin Garnett's matchless intensity puts the whammy on his Celtic teammates, forcing them to emulate him in every way. If that is indeed the case, why wasn't it enough to make Davis put down the Twinkies? And why did Glen feel the need to take his shirt off? Going topless is kind of like wearing spandex: It's a privilege, not a right.

The list of Things Big Baby Should Not Do isn't limited to flashing his jiggly-wigglies to the people of Boston. It also includes giving the Larry O'Brien Trophy a champagne-and-tongue bath.

Yeah. "Gak" is exactly what I was thinking too. But hey, I guess I can kinda-sorta forgive him. I mean, you can'ta fake passion like this. However, it's usually better if you avoid having it caught on camera. And trust me, I speak from experience.

Bionic bonus footage!! That random mention of the Six Million Dollar Man -- not to mention seeing Big Baby's beastly physique -- reminded me of the awesomest episode of any TV series ever: The one where Steve Austin fought Bigfoot. But before all you hippies start getting your panties in a bunch, don't worry. No actual Bigfoots were harmed in the making of this video. It was actually a robot Bigfoot created by space aliens to protect their secret mountain lair. And no, I'm not making that up. Bonus points if you can identify who played the Bigfoot.

Boston, Yahoo confuse sports again

2008-06-22T19:19:00.013-05:00

Maybe it's only because I check up on Boston sports regularly, but I've never seen more multi-sport promotional events than in the Boston area - specifically with the Red Sox. It doesn't really matter who's won what - or even IF they've won - if the Red Sox can come up with a cross-promotion marketing opportunity, they're gonna do it, and BIG. New England Patriots players have been to Fenway innumerable times, either to celebrate their own success, help celebrate the Red Sox success, or just have a little "embarrassment-of-Boston-sports-riches" sports theme...

Members of the New England Patriots visit Fenway two months ago to
commemorate...uhm...the most historic failure in NFL history?
So this past week it was the Boston Celtics' turn to have a Red Sox party, and the Red Sox didn't half-ass it - even THEY wore green. They also renamed the Green Monster the Really-Green-TD-Banknorth-Garden-Monster, and declared Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz and Josh Beckett "The-Other-Big-Three-Who-Don't-Deserve-To-Be-Called- The-Big-Three" for a day.

Paul Pierce declares himself "Safe!" at second. From tackypromotions, however, Pierce declares self not safe whatsoever.
The Finals MVP also tossed out the first pitch with four Larry O'Brien Trophies standing in front of the mound. Notice the 'I'm street' cock-angled baseball cap. Wasn't it David Stern who implemented the strict dress code for NBA players? Well, you got one thing right, Commish.

Moments later, Pierce tries to wrestle the glove from Red Sox secondbaseman Dustin Pedroia and screaming "Can't you see I got game?!"
And finally, in honor of cross-sport bloopers, here's yet another messed up Yahoo sports page. Apparently, there are a lot of hockey players now playing in the NBA, as evidenced by Yahoo's "NBA Photo Gallery."

Here's to you Yahoo Sports - You can barely get things right during the season, so when the season's over, you really ease off the accuracy pedal. Oh, and here's a belated thanks for making me hasten out to a bar because I thought the Celtics-Pistons playoff game was a must-be-seen 32-32 tie with 6 minutes left in the third quarter (a near miraculously low-scoring game), when it was in fact 32-32 with 6 minutes left in the 2nd (a not quite so scramble-out-the-door-to-see-it amazing score). Yeah, I know I need to get cable TV so I can just turn on ESPN, but that doesn't make your sports pages suck any less.

Thursday afternoon leprechaun love

2008-06-19T11:12:00.004-05:00

You've probably already seen/read/heard about about how Kevin Garnett got down and kissed the Celtic logo after Boston clenched their 17th title by throttling the Lakers. But only Basketbawful reader AK Dave sent in a picture of it with the following message: "I think you can see what KG is doing to the Leprechaun. Apparently he's doing something right, judging by the wink-and-smile the 'receiver' is displaying."

Wow. I guess they really are always after his "lucky charms"...