Basketbawful

Five quarters and a full moon: River City bawful!

2009-11-06T12:27:00.002-06:00

So...I survived opening night at the Most Outdated Arena In The History Of The Universe. You might know that one, the local auditorium dating back to Fred Flintstone, Greg Oden's long-forgotten youth, and the viable dirigible transport industry...no modern amenities such as individual seats, or water fountains, or even...ah, I can't do it.

Despite being made of bailing wire, cardboard, and Elmer's glue, the old barn's still holding up somehow.

It's Arco Arena in the tract-house paradise of Natomas, and it may still have wooden floors underneath its red-and-blue chairs (Spud Webb-era colors!), and not enough luxury boxes to prevent the serfs of Sacramento from being able to attend...and for that reason, maybe it turned out to be the most appropriate place for the Not-Answer to make his off-the-pine debut for the Memphis Grizzlies.

So before I begin this photomontage, a brief game recap:

1st quarter: The Kings have no clue a game is going on. Z-Bo almost looks like he's trying in his own half-court.
2nd quarter: A little bit of catch-up as the Grizzlies realize they're not that good at D themselves. K-Mart gets the blue light special going.
3rd quarter: HEY! THE NOT-ANSWER! As Sacramento successfully accedes to his scoring touch, the Grizzlies choose to plant him back on the bench as much as they can.
4th quarter: Leading with a minute to go - nope, can't play defense - luckily, neither did Memphis.
OT: Memphis briefly leads early, a fan waxes nostalgic for The Karate Kid, Z-bo then fouls out, baby cubs score only 4 points the rest of the way and give up plenty more to lose by 11 to a previously winless team. And K-Mart scored 48 points, despite being severely rejected by the rim in the first half?!?!

After that eloquent description, one can see this is the type of game that will be on ESPN Classic someday. (That is, if ESPN Classic had a special on lacktion, instead of rehashing 1980s footage of a certain parquet surface.)

So now, in chronological order, are scenes from a stupefying showdown:

Schwag officially approved by the Association: instant street cred! (In Granite Bay perhaps, but not so much on Meadowview Road...)

So much grease, even Oliver Miller would be taken aback - briefly.

Captain Morgan pose!

K-Mart must be pining for a second career as an architect, considering his admiration of masonry.

Now here's something that must be appreciated in full size: a Freudian slip of a jersey!

Z-Bo wants no part in pre-game bromance!

If Kevin Martin was a thief, his skills would be compared to that of Winona Ryder's.

OJ Mayo must be drinking Red Bull, because he's got wings here.

We talkin' 'bout...not attempting a block?

In comparison, the rim played much better defense than the Not-Answer.

Tyreke Evans and OJ Mayo attempt to reenact "Top Gun."

If Tim Donaghy were here, the red-belted sumo-man would be at the charity stripe right now.

The last time Bobby Jackson was featured on this site...was in doll form.

Bromance DENIED!

Marc Gasol tries to commence a handball match on this basketball court.

K-Mart loses the 40 yard dash to a leather spheroid.

Mr. Martin believes in Jazzercise!

"Hot Streets" by Chicago featuring Donnie Dacus, revived.

Much more elevation than the San Diego Rockets ever had.

Tyreke Evans demonstrates the proper way to surrender, something Andres Nocioni could have used on Wednesday night.

Omri Casspi butts into the picture.

I hope this guy got his money's worth for 11 minutes of viewing interest from his perspective.

Unathleticism: still more calories burned here than on Brian Cook's behalf during his zero-second stint for the Rockets this week!

This may be a paper "sellout," and I may be Mario West in disguise. Right.

Now Marc thinks it's volleyball - where's Misty May when you need her.

The Harlem Globetrotters would probably be proud of this attempted trick...

Unathleticism, part 2. Yes, this guy's boss bet against him on both shots. Yes, the boss won each wager.

In this skit, Slamson plays the part of Manny Pacquiao while Floyd Mayweather, in tonight's crowd, plays...um...himself.

Ladies and gentlemen - former Most Valuable Player, the Not-Answer!!!!

Put your hands in the air like you just don't care: Z-Bo on defense.

Soon to be installed on Capitol Mall is this K-Mart and Z-Bo statue.

Iverson attempts a move straight out of Arch Rivals.

Jason Thompson provides a nice allegory for how both defenses played that night.

Z-Bo makes Spencer Hawes a bit uncomfortable...

Kenny Thomas and Marc Gasol: an arranged bromance.

Z-Bo gets sandwiched, making him consider a future pre-game visit to the Panera Bread on Del Paso Road.

With this sign blocking his ears, no wonder he's having a hard time sensing sound...

Ebenezeer Scrooge would've been happy to see the Kings' allergic nature towards charity in regulation.

End of the fourth: an occasion for hopscotch!?

Omri Casspi attempts to hold the line, hockey-style, with his chest.

Now it's Beno Udrih with the Captain Morgan stance...

Zach Randolph has a mandatory date with the bench, and likely one with the downtown Denny's soon after.

The view from Mr. Morita's eyes, doomed to watch the Kings forever...

And the above pose is the equivalent of Shaq looking at his hot hand, except for the "hot" part.

Alley-oop attempt in garbage time? Nothing unusual about that here, except it's the last minute of the extra period. (Or to put it bluntly, the Grizzlies got outscored 17-4 in the final four minutes of overtime.)

Had Andres Nocioni walked the line as well as K-Mart did, maybe he wouldn't have seen steel bars on Thursday morning...

And so concludes an evening of excruciating defense and scorching offense, one which satisfied my thirst for lacktion. How so?

Well, #24 for the purple paupers, Desmond Mason scored a 6.65 trillion, as seen by his passive accumulation of wealth at the tipoff. Four days later, he was waived, probably due to the Maloofs' envy of Desmond's ability to acquire funding so easily. (Maybe Desmond can give us a downtown stadium now? Yay?)

Worst of the Night: November 5, 2009

2009-11-06T08:02:00.007-06:00

And this is the guy who committed the foul...
The Cleveland Craboliers: The Crabs -- who were 40-2 in Cleveland last season -- have already lost two home games in four tries this season, despite a) having the reigning MVP and Coach of the Year, and b) adding a former MVP, four-time NBA champion and self-proclaimed Most Dominant Ever. They are, according to The Experts, "the most talented team in the league." And yet...their latest home loss came against the Bulls, a team that hasn't even shot as high as 42 percent as a team in a single game this season. That's not supposed to happen, right?

Cleveland's offense is a mess, even by coach Mike Brown's pooptastically low standards. What's more, Chicago's best defender might have been Shaq, who clogged the paint and effectively cut off several of LeBron's driving opportunities. Shades of Wilt Chamberlain and Elgin Baylor on that late 1960s, early 1970s Los Angeles Lakers team. You know, the one that went on a 33-game winning streak and captured an NBA title only after one of those guys left the team (in this case Baylor, who was nudged gently into retirement).

Last year, the Crabs won 66 games because of LeBron and the fact that their team chemistry was off the charts. This year? They still have King Crab, but that chemistry is nowhere to be seen. Nobody's grinning, laughing, or dancing on the bench. Just watch them sometime They don't look like they're having much fun at all. Which is what losing will do to a team.

Mike Brown: Each game that goes by makes his Coach of the Year award look increasingly ridiculous. At one point, he stuck with a lineup that featured both Shaq and Big Z in the frontcourt. Why not just play two statues on defense, Mike? When Brad Miller -- whose speed should be measured by a calendar instead of a stopwatch -- is coasting to the hoop at will, you know there's a problem. Unless, of course, you're 2008-09 NBA Coach of the Year Mike Brown.

Note also that, in the final 1:02 of the game, with the Crabs trailing 86-85, Mo West got two shots (a shanked three and a missed 10-footer) and LeBron got one (the final missed layup). If you're Cleveland, is Williams the guy you want taking the crunch-time shots? Absolutely not. If you're the Bulls? Absolutely. Speaking of which...

Cleveland's final play: End-of-game fail? Yes. It was kind of amazing, though, if you think about it. LeBron was getting his usual superstar calls throughout the game, including one where he busted open Kirk Hinrich's chin and another in which he got an "And one!" despite taking 17 steps after the whistle. (That play had Mike Fratello practically spitting up on himself.) So, with about three seconds left and a one-point Cleveland deficit, I figured King Crab was going to drive, get the call, and sink two foul shots for the win.

Well, he drove all right. He used his massive shoulder to body-block Luol Deng out of his way, but Joakim Noah cut him off. There was some minor contact, after which LeBron flailed his arms like a couple of wet noodles and lost the ball out of bounds. Only...no whistle. Ooooooh, yeah. And, of course, LeBron wasn't happy: "It's a call you think you may get. I felt a push from Deng and some contact over the top from Noah. Enough to put me on the free throw line? Yes. But that’s a judgment call for the officials."

Countered Noah: "I didn't feel like it was even close to being a foul. I wasn't worried because there was no contact at all." While that's not entirely true in the sense of "truth" being actual, provable facts, it was heartening to see the officials swallow their whistles considering how much of that contact was initiated by James.

More from John Krolik of Cavs: the Blog: "As for the last play, there were 4 seconds left, and [LeBron] went to his highest-percentage play: damn the torpedoes and make a hard, decisive drive. The real issue was that Noah was there waiting for him because we'd parked 320 pounds of a guy who can't shoot or screen directly under the rim, and Hinrich made a nice rotation down to cut off that pass. Shaq shouldn't be out there in those scenarios. Period. And no, there was no foul on that play -- Noah was in perfect position, and LeBron tried to crash into him out of desperation."

David Stern: The NFL takes quick and decisive action when its players have run-ins with the law. And yet Delonte West -- who got arrested for packing enough firepower to take on a zombie apocalypse and win -- is still on the court. Explain that to me, Mr. Commissioner.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Is coming off the bench killing Big Z's game? Last night's 0-for-9 performance should pretty much answer that question.

The Cleveland bench: If you take away Boobie Gibson's 8 points and 3-for-4 shooting, the Crabs' reserves (Big Z, West and J.J. Hickson) scored 4 points on 1-for-18 shooting. That's not a typo, by the way: 1-for-18.

Cleveland Junk Grabbers: From Basketbawful reader Adrian: "For your perusal, here's a pair of floor-seat-dwelling white guys taking a rare opportunity at what looks like grabbing King Crab's junk as he dived to keep the ball in play just before half-time in the Crabs-Bulls game." No wonder Cleveland fans are so worried about LeBron bolting out of town next summer...these opportunities would be lost forever...

The San Antonio Spurs: Hey, wait, what's going on? Like the Crabs, the Spurs began this season as one of the league's supposed most-talented teams. Yet, here they are, 2-2 and not looking particularly good. Last night, they looked terrible against a team that's been terrible so far this season.

Not only were the Spurs throwing up bricks (43 percent shooting), their defense was decidedly un-Spurs-like (the Jazz hit 53 percent of their shots despite going 1-for-7 from downtown). Mind you, the Jazz hit 22 layups in the game and scored an incredible 64 points in the paint (compared to 46 for the Spurs). Utah also outscored San Antonio on the break 16-8 and outrebounded them 41-36. Basically, they got outplayed in pretty much every possible category. TOTAL FAIL.

By the way, it was Utah's first win over the Spurs since April of 2008.

Greg Popovich: I love the interviews he gives TNT between quarters. Love 'em. Last night, when asked what his team could do to keep the Jazz out of the paint, Pop deadpanned; "Try harder." I wish I had video of every one of these interviews he's ever given.

All the teams that didn't draft DeJuan Blair: The only San Antonio player to shine last night was Blair, who finished with 14 points (7-for-10), 9 rebounds, and a better plus-minus score (+5) than any Spurs starter. Now how did he fall all the way to the second round again...?

Lacktion report: Chris, our self-styled Master of Lacktion, strikes again:

Spurs-Jazz: With Bruce Bowen out to pasture, Gregg Popovich attempted to find a stopgap good luck charm in Keith Bogans tonight. Despite a non-victorious result, Bogans did his best to bumble his way through the evening, fouling twice and losing the rock once for a +3 suck differential in 10:42.

Jerry Sloan's ongoing efforts to avoid being Coach of the Year via smart strategy paid off tonight, buoyed by the first lacktive appearance of Kyrylo Fesenko this year, a single-brick +1 in 2:42. Kosta Koufos continued his impressive start of sub-importance via the coinage of 1.8 trillion.

Donald Sterling: The Clippers owner is who we thought he was. (Hat tip: Chris.)

The Sacramento Kings: Could things possibly get any worse for this awful team? Abso-friggin-lutely. (Hat tip: Also Chris.)

Marcus Jordan: He insisted on wearing daddy's Air Jordan shoes in a game despite his school's contract with Adidas. And now Adidas has announced it will not renew its contract with the school. Way to be all "team first" there, Marcus.

Super(man) Worst of the Night Extra

2009-11-05T14:03:00.003-06:00

Dwight Howard is known as Superman. His biceps have biceps filled with real leprechauns. When he flexes, people die. And yet a skeezy porn star named Mary Carey dissed him for a member of N'Sync. But not Justin Timberlake. She picked this guy. And no, I am not even remotely kidding around here. These are her words from a recent radio interview:

"Yeah, Dwight and I met at LAX. I was like, you're a basketball player, and he was like, I've seen you at Magic games, so he recognized me from games. I used to always get written up when I went to games for causing distractions and stuff."

Wait for it...waaaaaaait for it...

"Dwight's a cool guy. For a month, we like talked on the phone, and he was always trying to give me prayers to get me out of porn and give me Bible verses to read. So then, I was going to go visit him when I was in Orlando, but I went over to this other guy's house instead, Chris Kirkpatrick from N'Sync. And then Dwight started calling, and calling, and calling me, because he knew I was with Chris Kirkpatrick, so eventually at 3 in the morning, Chris was like don’t answer Dwight's calls. I get a text from Dwight at 3 in the morning -- I’m outside Chris's house. I'm like oh my god, what do I do? I was like, I got Dwight here and I got Chris in the other room and I'm talking to them back and forth. So finally I had to just pull Dwight in the bathroom and tell him he needs to go home. I was like I'm really sorry, I really like you, but this isn't the time or place. When I pull him in the bathroom, he pulls his pants down, I was like, whooa. Yeah, and so I ran and started screaming…Well if it wasn't for the Chris thing at the time, I really liked Dwight and maybe I would have furthered this. But I was at the guy's house I was dating so it was inappropriate. So he totally thought he totally offended me. So I saved -- he and I used to talk on instant messenger, on AOL -- so he was apologizing; sorry, that was out of character for me, blah blah blah. I saved all the instant messages and I've been putting them all in a book. So I’ve got a lot of evidence. I’ve got an evidence file."

I simply don't know what to say. Other than here's a super hat tip to Basketbawful reader Daniel L. for sending me the link and the following (fake) D-Howard quote: "Baby, you needs to get out of pr0n, because Jesus loves you! Or suck on lil' Superman. Whichever."

Still, Howard probably lucked out here. I mean, according to her Wikipedia page, Mary was born to a schizophrenic mother and a father with cerebral palsy. Them's damaged goods, Dwight. You don't need that kind of drama. Really. I swear.

Dwight, you...really are...better off...oh, bloody hell.

Pat Morita is in hell, er, Sacramento

2009-11-05T12:19:00.002-06:00

Important note: All three of the people in this picture chose to be here. That is all.
I received this picture in an e-mail from Basketbawful reader Adrian titled "Mr. Miyagi rues lack of Kings D." Here's what Adrian had to say:

I've been a reader for a long time but have never written in, save for a couple comments. But now, since I bought the NBA broadband league pass this year, I can screencap ridiculous shit to my heart's content! Hopefully some of these may even grace your awesome blog.

Anyway, I caught this at the end of the Kings-Griz game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in Australia, I'll take all the damn NBA I can get with the retarded time difference no matter who's playing. It seems Pat Morita is not dead -- he's just watching Sacramento games (and apparently being disgusted by what he is seeing...Desmond Mason's seven trillion, for instance?).

Oh, he's dead all right, Adrian. Speaking of which, I'm not sure what makes me more sad: the fact that poor Pat Morita has apparently gone to hell -- what else would you call being forced to spend your afterlife watching the Kings? -- or the sight of the depressed woman on the right side of the picture. Okay, now that I've thought about it, they make me equally sad.

Worst of the Night: November 4, 2009

2009-11-05T07:56:00.007-06:00

Grant apparently caught of whiff of something nasty?Ah, it's probably just the standard old man stank.
Update! Celtics-Timberwolves: From Basketbawful reader A:

No Celtics-Timberwolves bawful? Oh Lord, speaking as a Celtics fans, let me count the fail:

Paul "Best Player in the World" Pierce goes off against the Timberwolves' "defense" to the tune of 10 points on 3-of-12 shooting. 4 of those 10 points came from superstar calls, such as when Pierce shouldered Oleksiy Pecherov in the chin and inexplicably went to the line.

Speaking of Mr. Pecherov, he apparently lost the memo that the Celtics were the Best Defensive Team Evah, scoring 24 points to lead all scorers on very efficient 9-of-14 shooting, adding 8 rebounds to the stat line. Oleksiy Pecherov. I wish I was making that up.

The Wolves, though, were not immune to the rampant suckage. Apparently deciding that home victories against elite teams are highly overrated, the Wolves decided to let Rajon Rondo go off to the tune of 14 points in the third quarter, letting the Little Big Man singlehandedly bring the flat, lifeless Celtics back into the game. I guess the first 6 points he scored weren't enough, they just had to let him tack on 8 more.

Boston, after shooting lights out from beyond the arc against Philly, lay a 5-for-19 brick wall around the Target Center. Rasheed Wallace -- whose field goal attempts were all threes, by the way -- contributed by bricking 5 of his 7. And he picked up his second technical of the season. From the bench.

And still, the T-Wolves could have won the game, if Corey Brewer -- who played a pretty good game -- understood that the best way to get a high-percentage, game-tying shot isn't to go right at Kevin Garnett. Because I hear that this Garnett guy is pretty good at defense.

The Phoenix Suns: Sure, they were missing Leandro Barbosa (sore right wrist), but the Magic were minus two former All-Stars: Rashard Lewis (suspension) and Vince Carter (sprained ankle). That should have evened things out, right? Wrong. The Suns simply couldn't keep their men in front of them, letting Orlando shoot 52 percent from the field and from beyond the arc. Phoenix kept things close in the first half, but fatigue rendered oldies-but-goodies Steve Nash (12 points, 5-for-11, 4 assists, 3 turnovers) and Grant Hill (0-for-5 for zero points, 3 boards and an assist) ineffective as the Suns lost by 22. By the way, their combined plus-minus score was -42.

Note that I called this in the comments section of yesterday's post. It's not that I don't like the Suns. I root like hell for them. But I've watched a lot of my favorite players get older: Larry Bird, Robert Parish, Kevin McHale, Reggie Miller, Karl Malone, John Stockton, Charles Barkley...so on and so forth. Even when they were "old" in basketball terms, those guys could still rip off big games and lead their teams to 50-win seasons. In fact, their teams might have won close to 60 if not for long road trips and back-to-back games. But scheduling is a bitch. I couldn't help but notice, while watching those players age, that they would struggle mightily on the second night of back-to-backs, especially on the road. Bird's Celtics and Malone's Jazz lost to some truly awful teams and got destroyed by good teams under those circumstances. On paper, with all things being equal, those teams should have been competitive every night. But all things aren't equal. Fatigue sets in. Now that I'm into my 30s, I get that in a way I never understood before. If I play basketball on back-to-back nights, I'm hurtin'. (It doesn't help that I'm one of those "dive for every loose ball" and "sprint down the floor on every possession" guys.)

At any rate, as long as the Suns rely so heavily on Steve Nash, they're going to be at their best when Captain Canada has a little rest going for him.

As a sidenote, Phoenix gave up 25 points on 18 turnovers. That didn't help.

The "We're not going to go 82-0" watch: Said Suns coach Alvin Gentry: "Well, dreams of an undefeated season have gone down."

By the way, Dwyane Wade joined the "We're not going 82-0" club yesterday via his Twitter page. Thanks to Basketbawful reader gf for the head's up and the pic:

Stan Van Gundy, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "We don't let people bang on them like that." Van Gundy was actually talking about how his team defends perimeter players like Dwyane Wade and LeBron James.

Vince Carter: He looks a little too happy to be not playing...doesn't he? By the way, nice fucking suit, but I feel sorry for the homeless guy you mugged to get it.

Because nobody can point out your failures if you don't play.
Gilbert Arenas: The Agent formerly known as Zero scored a team-high 32 points, but he went 9-for-27 and missed six of his eight three-point attempts. He also blew two crunch-time plays: losing the ball on a layup attempt with 17 seconds left and tossing a lob pass off the rim at the end of the game. Of the latter play, Gil said: "It hit the rim. That's it. It's not rocket science -- it hit the rim." And see, that last quote is the real reason I'm including Arenas in WotN. He just become so joyless these days. Sure, sometimes his clowning around seemed counterproductive to winning, but it was also part of what made him so much fun to follow and watch. The league has enough grim and depressing heroes. I miss the old Gilbert Arenas.

DeShawn Stevenson: Speaking of goats in Washington Wizards uniforms...DeShawn shanked two free throws with 44 seconds left, after which Dwyane Wade knocked down the go-ahead jumper.

Mike James The Amityville Scorer started 50 games for the Wizards last season. This season, he has five DNP-CDs in five games.

The Detroit Pistons: You know what I love? When, early in an NBA season, a team pulls out an improbable win and therefore generates buzz it probably can't live up to. That's what happened the previous night when the Pistons -- minus Tayshaun Prince and Rip Hamilton -- beat the Rashard Lewis-less and Vince Carter-less Magic in Detroit (thanks in part to some pretty serious home cookin'). Well, a change in venue didn't agree with the Pistons last night. In Toronto, they were outscored 44-28 in the second quarter and that was pretty much the game. Ben Gordon, who had a season-high 30 points, said: "Needless to say, you let anybody in the league score that many points and it's going to be tough to counter that. It seemed like every possession they got a good shot or got to the free throw line. It's tough to win like that, when you're not really stopping them at all. They're either going to get a good look or get some free throws."

The New Jersey Nyets: Folks, when you watch the Nyets, you may be watching the worst team in professional basketball. And I'm including the pro clubs in countries like Kerplackistan. Yes, yes, I know they were minus Devin Harris (groin strain) and Yi Jianlian (right knee sprain), and I also know they were playing a team on fire (the Denver Nuggets). But 28-point home losses give everyone The Sad. The biggest lowlight of the game was when the Nyets were outscored 44-26 in the third quarter. Said Eduardo "Yes, I'm still in the league" Najera: "Every game, including the preseason, we struggle in the third quarter. I don't know what it is but we have to figure it out. We can't come out every third quarter and basically let the other team do whatever they want." True, Eduardo. But, then, you can't really stop them either...because you guys suck. I'm just sayin'.

Fun fact: The Nyets are off to their worst start in franchise history, matching the 0-5 mark of the 1996-97 squad. HISTORIC FAIL.

The New York Knicks: Going into last night's game, the Pacers were winless and, frankly, looked hapless. But nothing acts like an antidote for crappy play quite like a trip to the Big Apple! In an ugly game that featured a combined 6 fast break points (4 for Indy and 2 for New York), the defenseless Pacers held the Knicks to 39 percent shooting. How can this happen to a team coached by Mike D'Antoni, a.k.a. "The Man WHo Made Steve Nash"? I mean, the Knicks went without a field goal for the final nine-plus minutes last night. That's some serious offensive fail for such a genuis of offense.

Said David Lee: "Our problems in this game started and ended on the offensive end. We talk a lot about our defense, but our offense in the second half, for us to shoot under 40 percent isn't a good sign." Added D'Antoni: "For whatever reason, it seems every time we get stuck or whatever, instead of having a little more determination or patience, we just jack one up and that kind of got us in trouble in the second half." I thought just jacking one up was the D'Antoni Philosophy at its most crystalline. Oh well. For the record, Chris Duhon, who supposedly became nearly as good as Nash under D'Antoni last season, finished with 10 points (4-for-13) and 6 assists.

Dirk Nowitzki: How did Der Blond Bombermeister do last night against defenders not named Mehmet "The Prop" Okur? Here's how: 12 points, 4-for-15 shooting, 5 rebounds, 2 assists, 6 fouls. So can we please all just calm down about that 29-point fourth quarter against the Jazz? I could probably score 29 points in a quarter if I was being guarded by a Turkish statue.

Dirk objects -- no, strenuously objects -- to beingguarded by someone other than Memo Okur.
Jason Terry and Juan Jose Barea: The Mavs had a 97-94 lead over the Hornets with 10 seconds to go. And they could have clinched the game had Terry and Barea been able to connect on a free throw. However, Terry missed a technical free throw and Jose Barea missed two more foul shots, setting up a game-tying three-pointer by Stojakovic (who had been 0 for 5 from long range before that by the way). Dallas then went on to lose in overtime. Said Terry: "It's a lost opportunity. We showed a lot of heart and a lot of determination. The key things we talk about all of the time and the little things ... free throws, getting out on shooters and fouling when we are up three. Those things are what championship teams do. Obviously, we're not there yet. We'll learn from this." Wait, wait, wait...hasn't this team been to the NBA Finals? Hasn't your point guard, Jason Kidd, been to two more NBA Finals? Yet you guys need to learn to hit foul shots, get out on shooters and not foul when you're ahead? Really?!

Ron Artest: Bottom line...he's still crazy. Here's some prose from the AP recap of the Lakers-Rockets game:

Artest guarded Ariza from the opening tip, and the two were immediately jawing at one another. They earned offsetting technical fouls with 9:11 left in the first quarter.

At one point, Ariza said Artest tried to put his hand around Ariza's neck.

"I don't have hard feelings," Ariza said. "It was emotional, I guess you could say."

Artest said he thought about giving Ariza a hard shot, but backed down for fear of a fine or a suspension.

"You know if somebody hits me, I'm going to react," the famously temperamental Artest said. "I got hit with about three elbows. It's just not fair. I don't want to fight, I don't feel like doing it. If you throw an elbow into Ron Artest's chest, do you know who you're hitting?

"But I give up, I just give up," he said. "I'm not fighting anymore. You could elbow me, smack me, use me as a punching bag. I'm not reacting anymore, I'm tired."

Poor, poor, poor Ron Artest: the most persecuted man in the NBA. By the way, Ron, trying to put your hand around someone's neck? That's called "reacting." Just, you know, FYI.

Derek Fisher: Can't believe I missed this one, but 49er16 didn't: "In the Lakers game, Derek Fisher some how played 34 minutes and recorded no points, assists, or rebounds. He did pick up two fouls and two steals."

Update! Trevor "Arizona": From NarSARSsist: "No love for Trevor Ariza, Bawful? In this first A-A meeting between he and Artest, he was absolutely desperate to stick it to his former teammates. The problem is, he was gunning so poorly that I couldn't help but wonder if the Lakers did it to plant a mole in the Rockets. The Rockets did nab 17 offensive boards, so maybe he was just serving up some KBAs learned from his old pal MambaKobe (in fact, 9 of those shanks resulted in offensive rebounds). It's just amazing to me that with five teammates shooting 4/10, 5/12, 7/15, 7/9, and 9/12, he opted to just jack up shots like crazy. Sure he made the game-tying 3PT in regulation, but you know, had he been serving up real assists instead of KBAs earlier, the Rockets might have, you know, won? Thank you, Ariza, for helping the Lakers win yet another game."

The Memphis Grizzlies: The Golden State Warriors have officially exited the ranks of the NBA's winless teams, thanks to a victory over the Grizzlies. Memphis got strangely efficient shooting from Allen Iverson (8-for-12...off the bench!), but there was no defense to be seen or heard as Golden State shot 54 percent from the field and 58 percent from downtown.

Pictured above: FAIL.
Now here's where I go on a rant. It's not secret that NBA teams circle games against inferior defenses and go into those games with an attitude that, "Hey, I'm gonna drop a season or career-high on these guys." I've heard and read countless anecdotes to that effect. But you know what you rarely ever hear or read about? Guys going into games against poor, inefficient or undisciplined offenses and saying, "We're gonna lock their asses down." That happens with teams like Boston, Cleveland and San Antonio...and that's about it.

The Warriors are one of the least disciplined offensive teams in the league. Yeah, they can drop a lot of points, but usually only on the unprepared or unwary. If I was facing the Warriors, I would take delight in shutting them down. Wouldn't that attitude lead to a decent handful of wins every year, even for sad sack teams like the Griz?

Lacktion report: Chris continues to work harder on lacktion reports than many NBA ballers work in the games.

Pistons-Raptors: DaJuan Summers seasoned up his Excite Bike cartridge with the Game Genie, for a glitchy 40 second Mario!!!!

Suns-Magic: Jarron Collins took down one board in 12:24, only to foul twice for a Madsen-level 2:1 Voskuhl.

Heat-Wizards: Dominic McGuire's streak of suck came to an ignominous end tonight with a DNP-CD, but teammate Javale McGee provided a walking, breathing analogy for the biggest industry in the nation's capital, missing a shot for a +1 suck differential in 8:16.

Celtics-Wolves: Brian Scalabrine has returned to his tobacco-friendly ways, serving as the human victory cigar in a rather close match by fouling once for a +1 in 3:50. On the other end of the court, Minnesota's Wayne Ellington elegantly conducted a song of securities tonight, earning himself a 3.9 trillion.

Lakers-Rockets: Despite a board, David Andersen earned a Voskuhl of 3:1 due to three fouls and a brick in 5:51.

ALSO, in comments, Rich Muhlach writes:
"Hey Chris, dunno if you watched the Lakers vs Rockets game last night but former Laker Brian Cook did enter the game during a free throw (if I remember correctly, it was when Chuck Hayes fouled out) and the commentators were even saying something like he was a former Laker a few years back. But then after the free throw, he was subbed out again. That's why the box score reads DNP-CD, coz he never actually got playing time. But what do you call that Mario of getting sent into the game during a dead ball and getting subbed out again before the clock even starts?"

Rich, I think Mr. Cook here has just powered up his Wii for the greatest Super Mario Galaxy in the history of the Association. But is "Super Mario Galaxy" vast enough to describe what Rick Adelman just created last night!? Stay tuned.

Dan B. chimes in...
"A dead-ball situation Mario, so short that it doesn't even register on the game clock... maybe we should call it a Luigi since it's like a Mario, only less relevant?" Promising suggestion right there, man...

Mavs-Hornets: Quinton Ross got a stock tip from Mark Cuban and returned from the boilerroom with a 2.5 trillion. Meanwhile, Hilton Armstrong checked into the chamber of contribution with a steal and an assist in a 6:35 stay, only to foul twice and brick thricely for a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Hawks-Kings: Although the purple paupers were reduced to poverty by the birds from Georgia, Paul Westphal made sure to provide as much lacktion as he could. Desmond Mason had a barrow on Market Boulevard but didn't bring home wealth, instead fouling once for a +1 in 3:24 while Sean May provided the Maloofs' their inspiration for the evening with a 5.85 trillion.

Grizzlies-Warriors: Memphis's Hasheem Thabeet turned the rock over twice and fouled once for a +3 in 3:51, also good for a 3:0 Voskuhl. Trey Gilder sprinted on RC Pro Am for a mere 42 seconds, leading to a Mario.

Worst of the Night: Quick Hits Edition

2009-11-04T08:00:00.006-06:00

The first thing I thought when I saw this picture was"White Chicks & Gang Signs." But maybe that's just me.
My Ghostbusters costume won me tickets to the Bucks-Bulls game last night, so I spent my evening drinking at the World Famous Billy Goat Tavern & Grill and then at the United Center watching...gak. As Patches O'Houlihan would have put it, sitting through Bucks-Bulls was like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there.

Anyway, live game-related activities kept me away from the TV and my computer, so today's WotN will be short and sour.

The Philadelphia 76ers: They really couldn't have asked for a better situation: a home game against the Celtics in which a) Kevin Garnett went 1-for-7 and finished with more turnovers (5) than points (3) and b) Ray Allen scored only 5 points on 2-for-8 shooting. So why, then, did the Sixers lose by 31 points?! Probably because they went broke on offense (36 percent shooting as a team, 1-for-16 on threes) and defense (Boston shot 57 percent from the field and a blistering 14-for-20 on threes). Uh, hand in the face, anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

I suppose there's no shame in coming up short -- make that way short -- against a superior force. However, I can't help but think back to last season when the acquisition of Elton Brand (6 points, 2-for-6, 4 rebounds) was supposed to transform Philly into a contender. If there's anybody who thought the return of a healthy Brand this season was going to fulfill the promise of those failed expectations had better rethink their misguided optimism.

Elton Brand: See above. Worth $80 million? Eh...not so much. Again, I can't help but feel like the Clippers really dodged a bullet when he left L.A.

Bucks-Bulls: Remember what I said about the doorknob up there? Well, that pretty much sums it up. The Bulls played like ass in the first half and fell behind by 18 points midway through the third quarter. For the game, the Windy City Stags shot 39 percent, bricked nine free throws (including six in the fourth quarter), and gave up 23 points off 19 turnovers. And they won. Milwuakee simply would not be out-sucked.

Even when Joakim Noah blew a chance to ice the game by bricking two free throws with 13 seconds left, the Bucks were determined to make their fans throw up in their own mouths. I'll let Joe describe Milwaukee's final possession: "Anyone watch the Bulls-Bucks game? Last two Milaukee possessions feature a Brandon Jennings no jump fadeaway blocked by Derrick Rose and an airball three-pointer by Ersan Ilyasova. If thats not Bawful, what is? Shout out to NBA Broadbrand preview so I could watch that but not Celts-Sixers or Lakers-Thunder."

The Chicago Bulls' inside game: The Bulls sure would be a lot better if they could hit a few layups. The Bulls were 5-for-16 (31 percent) on layup attempts against the Bucks. That makes them 37-for-85 (43 percent) for the season.

The Chicago Bulls' in-game entertainment: I've posted before about some of my Bawful experiences at the United Center. Well, last night wasn't quite that bad, but it was close. I got to watch the Swingin' Seniors gyrate for the crowd's displeasure. I got to listen to a fat guy sing "My Girl" for a Big Mac. And I got to watch two guys play Tic Tac Toe, which was actually hilarious, because the X guy was so intent on winning that he left an opening for the O guy to win, only the O guy was to intent on blocking the X guy that he missed a chance to complete his three Os in a row. And after he boned it -- realizing it only after the crowd moaned -- he stood there, staring at his mistake, than spasmed toward his last O as if to move it, only to be waved off by the people running the game. The game finished without a winner...just 15,000-plus losers.

The worst part of the game was the halftime show, an act called "Quick Change." Despite the act's incredible lameness, here's a glowing review from Slate:

The No. 1 [NBA halftime] act, however, is David & Dania, a married couple who put on a spectacle that's one part magic show, one part ballroom-dancing exhibition. Popularly known as "Quick Change," the performance features nearly a dozen costume changes in the span of a few minutes, as Dania sheds one dress for another quicker than the average human can remove a single sock. It's an astounding example of precision artistry, and one that the NBA's game-operations directors have voted the league's most requested halftime attraction.

Really?! People desperately want to see...this?

I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I'm not sure this act would even win a high school talent competition, but people apparently love it. Admittedly, it was kinda interesting for the first minute. But it ran for 10 minutes. And, not to spoil anything for you, but Dania doesn't get naked at the end, which might have been the tipping point for me.

Tyrus Thomas: As I put it on By The Horns:

I had just settled into my seat at the United Center when Chicago's starting lineup was announced. And starting at power forward was…Taj Gibson? Whaaaaaa…?! It took a few minutes of furious texting to discover that Tyrus Thomas was out with -- you guessed it! -- flu-like symptoms.

The timing of Ty’s outbreak is a more than a little dubious, considering it happened the day after he failed to reach a before-the-deadline contract extension agreement with the Bulls. Given Thomas' history, it’s understandable that some people are calling shenanigans.

The Miami Heat: They were almost single-handedly destroyed by Steve Nash (30 points, 11-for-15, 8 assists). I say "almost" because the Suns also hit the Heat with a zone defense that rendered their offense less than usesless. Miami shot 35 percent in the second half, 23 percent in the fourth quarter. Phoenix missed fewer shots (15) in the entire second half than the Heat did (18) in the final quarter.

Random aside: Steve Nash! The dude is averaging 21.5 PPG, 12.5 APG and shooting 54 percent from the field and 55 from three. And the Suns -- sans Shaq -- are undefeated. I'm not going to say the Suns wont' come back down to earth, because they will. They simply don't have a lot of talent. But Nash is amazing. And people who claimed that Mike D'Antoni made Nash need to think again. Those people like to point at Nash's reduced numbers last season as proof, but check his splits. The month after Terry Porter was fired, Nash averaged 20.7 PPG and 9.3 APG while shooting 53 from the floor and 44 in threes. The following month, he averaged 16.4/10.3 while shooting 60 percent from the field and 58 percent from downtown. Let's just admit that Nash is a great player and be done with it, okay? The whole "D'Antoni's system made Nash" myth is a big, heaping pile.

Sour grapes: After letting the Suns' zone make them look silly, Quentin Richardson complained: "I thought the zone was for college, personally. I thought that was the difference between the NBA and college." You know, Quentin, admitting your team got pwned by a college tactic doesn't really make you guys look any better.

The Orlando Magic: The Pistons beat the previously unbeaten Magic despite missing Tayshaun Prince (back) and Rip Hamilton (ankle). As Basketbawful reader Jarron put it: "I know you will trash Orlando, but you need to mention the fact that they lost to a team starting a guy named Jerebko. I just thought that was funny."

Dwight Howard: Superman was outplayed by Old Man (Ben Wallace). No, really. Howard, who fouled out in only 17 minutes of playing time, finished with 8 points and 5 rebounds. Big Ben scored only 2 points, but he also had 10 rebounds, 2 steals, 2 blocked shots...and only 2 personal fouls.

Here's an extra tidbit from Basketbawful reader Mladen: "And also, please DO check out the NBA.com video recap of the Magic's failure against the Pistons for this juicy sound bite: "So, D. Howard: 8 points, 5 rebounds, 6 fouls against a frontcourt featuring Ben Wallace, Charlie Villanueva and Jonas Jerebko!? This does not make sense...." (All this is followed by the other commentetors chuckling.) FAIL."

Kerry Eggers, sportswriter: From Gert-Jan: "From the NBA.com recap of the Atlanta-Portland game, written by Kerry Eggers: 'In Portland's other two losses, Denver's Carmelo Anthony scored 41 points and Houston's Trevor Arizona had 33.' Trevor Arizona. That's bad, if you're a NBA writer you shoulnd't get this stuff wrong, don't you think?"

Utah Jazz: From AnacondaHL: "After holding the Mavs to three sub-18 point quarters, the Jazz decided that winning wasn't on the meeting agenda, allowing Dirk to go off for 29 of Dallas's 44 4th quarter points, only scoring 18 of their own en route to an 11-point loss. Special bawful mention to Carlos Boozer, for obtaining a +/- of -27 in just 24 minutes."

Mehmet Okur: Guess who was guarding Dirk during that fourth-quarter romp?

Poor Mehmet ended up in so many Dirk Nowitzki posters last night that if you ever see him anywhere else at any time, it probably isn't him. In fact, I'm hereby changing Mehmet's nickname from "The Turkish Assassin" to "The Prop."

Lacktion report: Brilliance from Chris, as always.

Nuggets-Pacers: Renaldo Balkman panned a payout of 4.05 trillion!

Wizards-Crabs: Dominic McGuire is having a stupendously sucktacular start for the ages, giving Washington continued coinage with a 1.7 trillion!!!!! Matching him in mediocrity was Cleveland's crustacean cleanup crew, however. Jawad Williams fouled once in 1:38 for a +1 suck differential, while Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson took home some serious dough with a 1.35 trillion.

Magic-Pistons: Detroit's Chucky Atkins believes in a diet high in precious metals and low in carbohydrates, as demonstrated by his 2.1 trillion, a paycheck no doubt helping him truly feel at home in Oakland County.

Suns-Heat: Joel Anthony's saving his pennies for someday, as he avoided wealth in 6:15 via four fouls, one rejection, one brick and a giveaway -- an effort resulting in the spectacular sucktitude score of +7!!!!! Meanwhile, Phoenix's Alando Tucker unmasked Samus Aran in a mere 35 seconds for a celebratory Mario.

Bucks-Bulls: Milwaukee's Roko Ukic capitalized on a 6:12 stint with +4 via foul and three bricks, the latter coming twice from inside the Chicago Loop.

Lakers-Thunder: DJ Mbenga scratched out a foul for a +1 in 1:42, also counting as a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl. For Oklahoma City, Nick Collison crashed out of lacktivity by boarding thricely despite one brick, only to foul twice and contribute three turnovers for a 5:3 Voskuhl in 16:11.

Jazz-Mavs: For Utah, Kosta Koufos collected plenty of gold coins and somehow accrued a steal in a 3-second Super Mario!!!! Dallas's Quinton Ross started tonight's game but earned a +3 in only 7:27 of playing time, via brick, rejection, and foul.

Hawks-Blazers: Maurice Evans seems to have taken Mario West's old spot as Atlanta's primary lacktator, flying into two fouls for a +2 in 5:48.

Was Delonte West preparing for a zombie apocalypse?

2009-11-03T15:22:00.004-06:00

Maybe Delonte can be in the sequel: "Zombieland 2: Looking Behind Our Back"
Breaking news: Delonte West has been indicted on six weapons offenses stemming from a September incident in which he was arrested on the Capital Beltway in Washington D.C. with three loaded guns and an 8 1/2-inch bowie knife. (That's not a knife. This is a knife...) Here are the details:

West was traveling north on the Beltway about 10 p.m. in a three-wheeled motorcycle called a Can-Am Spyder when he allegedly cut off a county police officer near Route 214.

The officer pulled West over for making an unsafe lane change, and as the officer approached the motorcycle, West told him he had a handgun in his waistband.

The officer called for backup and searched West and his vehicle.

Three guns were found -- a 9mm Beretta in West's waistband, a Ruger .357 Magnum strapped to his leg, and a 12-gauge shotgun in a guitar case slung over his back, authorities said.

West also had additional shotgun shells in a backpack, authorities said.

It's worth noting that, shortly after the arrest, West's father, Dmitri West, said: "All I can say is Delonte was looking behind his back and protecting himself." From what, exactly, Dmitri? Bigfoot? The Terminator? A dinosaur? Because that was some serious armament for personal protection.

In other news, no word yet on whether West will be a playable character in the upcomign Left 4 Dead 2. But if I could kill zombies as Delonte West, I would probably go ahead and spring for an Xbox 360.

Worst of the Night: November 2, 2009

2009-11-03T07:59:00.006-06:00

Don't expect the smiling to continue if Lionel Hollinskeeps bringing The Not Answer off the bench.
The New Jersey Nyets: Last night, the Nyets (still winless!) had a stretch between the third and fourth quarters during which they went 10 minutes without scoring a single point. During that Festival of Fail, the Nyets went 0-for-11 from the field, committed nine of their 26 turnovers and got outscored by the Bobcats 24-0 in what turned out to be the NBA's longest scoring drought in almost four years. (According to STATS LLC, the last worst drought was when the Bucks went 10:07 without scoring against the Rockets on January. 23, 2006.) Mind you, New Jersey had built a 14-point lead before all that went down. Instead, they ended up losing 79-68. Said Rafer Alston (1-for-8, 3 turnovers): "It was embarrassing." No doubt.

But way, there's more! Yao, er, I mean Yi Jianlian rolled his right knee during that Festival of Fail, and today he has to undergo an MRI to assess the damage to the medial collateral ligament. Sounds pretty bad already, doesn't it?

To add a little insult to all that injury, I should point out that the Nyets lost to a team that shot 32 percent from the field (24-for-74) and six percent from three-point range (1-for-15). Oh, and did I mention the 'Cats are the lowest scoring team in the NBA so far?

Bonus pathetic stat: The Nyets tied a team low with seven points in the third quarter on 13 percent shooting (2-for-15).

Update! Gerald Wallace, Black Hole: From Basketbawful reader Garron: "In four games this season, Gerald Wallace has 50+ shots, 50+ rebounds, 13 turnovers...and 0 assists. Black hole much?" It's true.

The New Orleans Hornets: Another great game for Chris Paul (32 points, 5 rebounds, 13 assists), another loss for the Hornets. Anybody else thing it's going to be a long season in New Orleans? Well, at least the Saints are still undefeated. Anyway, the Hornets biggest problem was on defense, giving up 117 points to the previously winless Knicks, including 40 in the fourth quarter. But wait, it gets way worse than that: Larry Hughes saw his first action of the season...and scored 20 points on 8-for-13 shooting. Meanwhile Julian Wright, the man starting opposite of Big Shot Larry, finished with 2 points on 1-for-3 from the field.

Chris Paul: Great as he may be, the little guy is starting to lose his shit a little. First, he had an on-court run-in with Rajon Rondo on Sunday, after which he allegedly tried to force his way into the Celtics locker room. The NBA is currently investigating the situation. (Paul subsequently denied this on his Twitter page and now refuses to discuss it. Hornets coach Byron Scott said: "I think there comes a point in time in a game or even after a game when somebody says something to you, and the only thing I heard Chris say at the end of the game when we were walking off was that, 'he's going to respect me as a man.' So I don't know what Rondo said, but obviously Chris took exception to it." Obviously.)

Then, last night in New York, Paul and Al Haarrington were scrambling for a loose ball when Paul appeared to hit Harrington in the head. Said Harrington: "When I dove, my head hit his knee. He might have slipped a couple of jabs in there. It didn't affect me. You know I fight in the summer, so it's all good." It may be "all good" for Big Al, but Big David and the league office probably won't keep turning a blind eye if Paul doesn't get a handle on his emotions. After all, the NBA is supposed to care, not bludgeon.

The Utah Jazz: Hey, didn't these guys used to be almost unstoppable in Salt Lake City? They sure got stopped last night, losing 17 points to the Yao Ming-less and Tracy McGrady-less Rockets. How does a team with two All-Star caliber players (Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer) lose at home to a team with zero All-Star caliber players? It was like Night of the Living Roleplayers out there, as eight Rockets scored in double figures (including 17 off the bench from rookie Chase Buddinger). Houston hit 50 percent of their shots and 52 percent of their threes. They also outrebounded Jazz 46-38 and scored 26 points off of Utah's 19 turnovers. They...they just do all the little things it takes to win. It's Moneyball, baby!

Or maybe it's just bad defense by the Jazz...? Said Utah coach Jerry Sloan: "If you're not going to defend, it's pretty tough to have a chance to win. They got on top of the basket, they drove around us, they went up to the ball on the boards and they passed the ball." Added Williams: "We've just got to have more determination to come out and get stops and not let people score. We're just picking up right where we left off. We haven't played a good game of basketball yet." Don't worry, Deron. You have, like, 78 more chances!

Carlos Boozer: Memo to Carlos: If you want to out of Utah, you should know that performances like this (1-for-6 for 7 points plus 4 turnovers) will not help your trade value.

The Memphis Grizzlies: Allen Iverson has arrived...let the losing begin in earnest! The Not Answer made his season debut for the Griz last night, logging 18 minutes (off the bench!) and finishing with 11 points (5-for-9), an assist and 2 turnovers. Oh, and one overtime loss to the previously winless Kings. And guess what? He's already bitching about coming off the bench!

Allen Iverson: If there was any question left that this guy just doesn'ts get it, that question got answered last night. Brought in off the bench most likely because he, like, hasn't been playing or practicing much lately due to a partial right hamstring tear, Iverson is already voicing discontent over his role. And it's been one game! Said The Not Answer: "Go look at my resume and that will show you that I'm not a sixth man. I don't think it has anything to do with me being selfish. It's just who I am. I don't want to change what gave me all the success that I've had since I've been in this league." Allen, Allen, Allen...you do realize that you're playing for the Grizzlies -- the Memphis Grizzlies! -- because nobody else would have touched you with a 10-meter cattle prod, right?

And I'm not sure what he means by "success." Sure, he had one bogus MVP season and made a trip to the Finals during an era in which the East sucked and his teammates inexplicable killed themselves for him despite the fact that he hogged the hell out of the ball. But since then? Scoring lots of points on 40 percent shooting while your teams consistently fail to meet expectations and becoming the biggest NBA outcast not named "Stephon Marbury" doesn't sound like success to me. But what do I know?

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Let it be known that the previously winless Clippers earned their first victory of the season against the lowly Timberpups. But let's face facts here: both teams are who we thought they were. Both squads shot 42 percent and the Clippers won despite giving up 30 points off 20 turnovers. This was offset by a little home cookin', as The Other L.A. Team had a 32-16 edge in free throw attempts.

Believe it or not, Minny had a chance to tie the game at the buzzer, but Corey Brewer chucked up a junk shot with a hand in his face...which coach Kurt Rambis explained thusly: "We haven't yet gotten to the point where we know what play we're going to run with a low-clock situation and no timeouts when you've got to get the ball up the floor. That's my fault that we haven't had the time to work on plays in that situation, but I like the fact that they got back in the ballgame and gave themselves a chance to win." So the team doesn't have a crunch-time play in the playbook? Wow. Coaching fail.

Baron Davis: B-Dizzle is shooting so poorly this season that even Jason Kidd is wrinkling his nose in disgust. Last night's 2-for-10 shooting display is becoming waaaaay to familiar for Clippers fans (should that even be plural anymore?). On the season, Davis is 18-for-54 (33 percent), and 5-for-19 (26 percent) from downtown.

Lacktion report: Despite attending last night's Kings game, Chris still delivered on the lacktion:

Nets-Bobcats: Charlotte's Gerald Henderson sold a few marked up Air Jordans for a 3.85 trillion.

Rockets-Jazz: With Clutch the Bear's squad back on track, Rick Adelman had the chance to light up several human victory cigars, including a familiar face or two. Brian Cook and Jermaine Taylor each punched a 1.5 trillion on the scorecard, while Pops Mensah-Bonsu fathered a foul for a +1 suck differential in that same timespan (1:29), also good for a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Kings: My second trip to Arco Arena this year produced several figures of forgettability, starting with Memphis's Hasheem Thabeet, who randomly cued up his Arch Rivals cartridge with a foul for a +1 and a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl in a 54-second Mario! Teammate Sam Young made a few youthful mistakes out there, bricking and giving up the rock once each while adding two fouls for a +4 in 3:29.

The home team pulled out an overtime victory and Paul Westphal made sure to provide momentum-changing unproductivity from the beginning, with Desmond Mason jarring the ranks of the rich and famous through a stunning somnambulent stint as a starter of 6.65 trillion!!!! Sean May avoided pure lacktion with a basket, only to earn himself a Voskuhl of 5:3 in 9:16 via four fouls and a giveaway against that field goal and an assist.

Update! Bonus Bawful: From NarSARSsist:

You can't blame CP3. After this happened he was never the same again. I don't think any of us would be.

Speaking of the Hornets. Who the f*** is Bobby Brown and why the hell is he playing? With his shooting you might as well count him as good for like 4-5 turnovers a game. It's really sad when your best shooting performance is 4-for-12 for 33.3%. On a related note, his PER is 5.99, good for 248th in the league. That's out of the 291 players that qualified. A...mazing...

Sidenote about the bawfulness of the Nets and Bobcats. They were +8 with Chairman Yi on the court, and -19 with him off the court. That speaks amazing volumes about the two teams. Even a Man Chair plays better than them.

Also bawful: "Guys can't get bored with the process and get frustrated because they're only averaging 13-14 points," said Alston, who shot 1-for-8 filling in at point guard for Harris. "Yeah, that might be your average right now. So what? In the third quarter, it was bad from a team standpoint." Rafer Alston is talking about the team standpoint? This is the same guy who, in a 4-on-2 or 4-on-1 situation last night, opted not to pass to the Man Chair who was under the basket just so he can challenge his man and take it to the hoop...and get his shot swatted by Tyson Chandler.

How sad are the Jazz right now? Last year, about two months into the season, it looked like they had two potential 20/10 guys in an injured Boozeman and the newly flourishing Paperboy. Now it looks like neither of them are that kind of player.

Houston's David Andersen shot 1-for-7 and, by NBA.com standards, had a -3 efficiency points day. He is averaging 5.5 points and 2.5 rebounds per game thus far. Remember back when everyone was all bubbly about this guy's skills and how Daryl Morey's nerd Elvis ways have landed him the center to replace Yao? Yeah, me neither. If you combine his four games, in 51 minutes he would have produced right around what Yao produces in a single game.

Where is the love for Demarre Carroll? The man put up 15 minutes of hard effort to give us a 5:3 Voskhul. Same thing with Brian Cardinal, who put blood and tears into his 13 minute, 4:2 Voskhul performance. They demand to be honored!

The Onion versus the Clippers

2009-11-02T19:13:00.002-06:00

I've gotten enough comments and e-mails to justify posting this wonderful piece of journalistic satire. Now watch as The Onion lays complete and utter waste to the team that is who we thought they were.

Basketbawful Video Game Review: NBA 2K10

2009-11-02T08:05:00.004-06:00

It's the start of a new NBA season. This is exciting for two reasons: a) We get to watch another season of bawful teams getting the hell beat out of them by the small handful of quality teams, and b) We get a new edition of the annual NBA games so that we can beat the hell out of bawful teams in a virtual world. Or, if you're like me and aren’t very good at basketball video games, you can at least take solace in the fact that the NBA games are getting more and more realistic every year, which means there's plenty of potential for virtual bawful.

Everybody's got their horse in the 2K vs. Live wars. I personally opted for the 2K series for a couple of very good reasons. First off, the 2K Series is not made by EA Sports, so it’s got that going for it, which is nice. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, there is a PC version, and it only costs $20. Seriously. How can I pass up a game that’s only one-third the cost of its console versions when I have a pretty decent gaming PC that I can hook up to my big screen TV?

Gameplay: Let's get the actual review garbage out of the way. Everybody and their brother have already covered this part on real gaming websites, but I'll throw in my two cents anyway since we're at it.

The general consensus is that the 2K Series has pretty well covered the fundamentals of the sport, aside from the usual assortment of oddities and glitches. Thankfully, the game is very adjustable and customizable, so you can work around some of these things, such as points in the paint being too easy to attain with the default settings.

However, some things can't be fixed. This game is like Mike D'Antoni/Don Nelson wet dream, considering defense is decidedly absent. This isn't to say there isn't any defense (it's still satisfying to occasionally shut down your man), but steals are incredibly rare, fouls don't seem to happen very often even when you try to rough up anybody who dares to penetrate, and shot blocking is nearly non-existent. This doesn't mean, however, that you can pull a Z-Bo and just not bother to play defense. Your teammates are very prone to being out of position when playing normal game modes, leading to lots of open three pointers unless you babysit them and play aggressive defense, and in My Player mode (more on that later), you are solely held responsible for not letting your assigned man score, no matter what the situation.

Graphics and Presentation: Again, this should be fairly well covered in other reviews, but let’s get a little eye candy going here, simply because this game does look phenomenally good.

They even nailed Sheed’s bald patch thing
The commentators in NBA 2K10 are Kevin Harlan, Clark Kellogg and Cheryl Miller. They do a surprisingly great job (even managing to surpass the NBA Live crew that includes the legendary Marv "Yes!" Albert). The commentary is relatively dynamic and usually does a good job of representing the current situation in the game. Also, it integrates with the NBA Today function in the game that looks at how the real-life NBA season is playing out, so it should make things feel more like an NBA game and less like an NBA video game. The biggest advantage of this? It's the closest we've come yet to having prattle tales in a video game. It's only a matter of time, people.

My Player Mode: This is the heart of the bawfulness of NBA 2K10. You get to create your own painfully undertalented player, and then take him through the ranks to hopefully make an NBA roster. Along the way, an annoying-as-hell and overly pessimistic Stephen A. Smith doppelganger criticizes every single thing you do. If you let your man score four points on you during a game, he will complain about how you "let your man drop so many points on you, I lost count!" Sadly, I am not exaggerating in the least bit. That actually happened to me in one game. And it is apparently impossible to skip through his constant whining. The only plus is that he loves to quote Larry Bird, so I can deal with him for one year I suppose.

First things first, you get to create your own player.

Wait, this isn’t the ABA and it isn't the 70s. Why am I rocking a white boy fro?
You can choose your name, school, and nickname ("Shake and Bake!"), and of course your height and weight. There's a nice range of weights, from stick thin (such as yours truly) to morbidly obese, if for some reason you wish to create the spawn of Oliver Miller and Robert "Tractor" Traylor.

Violating the Calorie Cap, 2K style.
After nailing down the basics, you get to work on your facial appearance, which is highly customizable, and your hair. Oh yes, there are plenty of options for your hair style. There's even a "curly" hair option that vaguely resembles a Jheri Curl, for anyone playing whose name is "Debarge."

White corn rows? Brad Miller approves.
A really freaking weird neck patch? Drew Gooden approves.
Now, the most important consideration when creating a player in an NBA game: are there tattoos? Hell yes, there are tattoos.

Nothing says "class" quite like a neck tattoo.
After creating your doppelganger, you are randomly selected by an NBA team to play on their summer league. The first time I created a character, I was picked up by the Nets/Nyets. Does the ruble exchange rate work in my favor right now? I don't know, but just to be safe, I started from scratch. The second time I tried, I was picked up by the Pacers. Well, we all know their propensity for picking random white stiffs, so I felt comfortable that this was a good team for me.

You can try to build some skill by participating in drills, such as shoot, dribbling, post defense, and so forth. Unfortunately, the PC version is extremely broken, and after the first rep of each drill, my controller would stop working, rendering the entire exercise worthless.

FAIL.
However, while working for the Nyets, I was blessed with the following moment. I got to do a post defense drill against Yi Jianlian. Yes, I was Chairman Yi’s folding chair. Yes, I nearly cried I was so happy about this amazing coincidence.

The Chairman!
After you are done wasting time in broken drills, you can participate in Summer League games. Because of course nothing is quite as exciting as running up and down an empty gym with scrub teammates.

The NBA Summer League -- It’s Faaaaaaaaantastic!
During these summer league games, you are given three objectives you are supposed to meet each game. One of these always involves meeting a certain level of approval from your teammates, in an A-to-F grading system. Usually, a C+ is good enough to meet your objective. However, this is easier said than done. Your teammates are unrealistically harsh. They penalize you for turnovers that you do not cause sometimes, they constantly complain about bad shot selection but very, very rarely reward you for good shot selection. You are marked down any time your defensive assignment scores, no matter if it’s because you played matador defense, or if he just got the ball in a nasty turnover caused by your inept teammates. Assists are well-rewarded, as is filling the lane properly on a fast break.

Your teammates obviously like it when you help them score, but not when you score yourself. Understandable, but still frustrating when all of your teammates are throwing up enough bricks to build a house and you are forced to take over the game. It's incredibly easy to lose marks from your teammates, but incredibly difficult to make up that ground. The best approval I have gotten yet from my teammates was a B+, and I had to hit a buzzer-beater three at the end of regulation to force OT in that game. It’s amazing that I even got that rating considering I spent half the game playing shooting guard instead of my usual point guard, and as such was forced to defend a player who was a foot taller and 75 pounds bigger than me.

After playing several games in the Summer League, your performance is evaluated and an NBA team may or may not offer for you to join their NBA D-League team. I haven't gotten to this point yet, so I cannot elaborate much further. However, just the thought of playing in the D-League makes me giddy. Once I have more free time, hopefully I can experience the great joy of playing for the Fort Wayne Mad Ants. Hopefully, I will not be violated in my sleep by Nightmare Ant.

Living Rosters: Unlike last year’s PC version, we no longer get the short end of the stick compared to console users when it comes to roster updates. Apparently the roster updates don't work correctly in the preseason when it comes to instituting injuries, however.

Shouldn't he be injured right about now? The sun DID rise this morning...
While automatically updated rosters are convenient, there is a nasty downside. Sadly, this means there is a decided lack of Mario West in the game now.

Even his former teammates seem saddened that Mario West is gone.
Facial expressions: One of the touted new parts of this year's game is an improved method of animating the player faces to create more realistic facial expressions. This can only be a good thing as far as bawful gaming is concerned! Considering the following evidence:

Is that an O-face? I think it is.
Visanity. That is all.
VIRTUAL DUNCAN FACE!
Beyond just facial expressions, the players are quite animated. They celebrate big dunks, and they also do not appreciate getting three-second calls.

Feel shame.
Product Placement: Oh, there is a ton of it. The pregame introductions include the Sprite Keys to the Game… Gatorade is a proponent of helping your players regain lost energy...

And of course, T-Mobile sponsors the hell out of everything. Sadly, Charles Barkley is nowhere to be seen. His presence would make the T-Mobile ads infinitely more interesting and/or turrible.

Man Love: Secondly only to tattoos, man love is a vital part of any NBA simulation. Thankfully, 2K Sports understands and respects this.

Oh yes. There is man love in this game.
Mascots: Aside from dancers, cheerleaders, refs, TV camera men, and all the other sideline characters that are crucial to making the game feel like an actual NBA game, you have to have mascots. NBA 2K10 does not disappoint.

Coaches: To truly feel like an NBA game, you can't just have poorly executed basketball by the players. You also have to see the coaches screwing things up.

Ron Jeremy’s evil twin at work.
Conclusion: In spite of a few bugs, this game is well worth the money, especially the PC version. Just $20 for the PC version gets you a good basketball game, and some entertaining bawful. I think this picture sums it up:

About the Author: Dan B. is from Kentucky, the self-proclaimed home of college basketball, and currently resides in the greater Louisville area. When not slaving away at an IT-related Clark Kent job or lamenting the lack of professional basketball in the area (no, the Pacers and Grizzlies do not count), Dan bowls in three leagues a week, watches Pittsburgh Penguins hockey games online because the NHL's TV package sucks, spends entirely too much time jobbing around random blogs, and reads 57 Twitter feeds. Dan one day dreams of the return of the Kentucky Colonels, thus providing his city a reason to be on a map that doesn't involve chicken or freaking horses.

Worst of the Weekend: The Abbreviated Edition

2009-11-02T07:52:00.006-06:00

Bustin' makes me feel good.
Let me apologize up front for not going all-out for the first Worst of the Weekend of the season. I was busy Halloweening to the extreme. Seriously, my Halloween weekend was like the Mountain Dew commercial of Halloween weekends. In fact, this post is being typed by the handful of bloody chunks that were left of me after the weekend.

To compensate for the lack of WotWknd, I've posted a picture of me and Basketbawful co-founder Statbuster. (I'm sorry I couldn't find a pic of us in our Halloween costumes.) And shortly, I'll be posting Dan B.'s epic review of NBA 2K10. But, for the heck of it, here are a few thoughts about the weekend.

1. Trouble in paradise? On Friday night, the Cavaliers broke out of their season-opening slump by smacking around the lowly Timberwolves. However, the team didn't seem to gel until the third quarter when Shaq was exiled to the bench after picking up his fourth foul. Said LeBron: "We kind of know how to feel off each other and go off each other. When Big Fella got into some foul trouble, that cohesiveness that we’ve had in the past regained itself."

Make of that what you will.

2. The Knicks still suck: I said it last season and I'll say it again...for all the blame Isiah has taken for ruining the Knicks, they don't seem that much better without him.

3. Things that make you go hmmmmm: During the offseason, the Lakers essentially swapped a roleplayer (Trevor Ariza) for a former All-Star (Ron Artest). Currently, one of them is averaging the following line: 23.5 PPG, 50% FGP, 52% 3P%, 3.7 RPG, 3.3 APG, 1.6 SPG. The other is averaging the following line: 8.3 PPG, 32% FGP, 23% 3P%, 5 RPG, 3.7 APG, 1.0 SPG. Think that second line belongs to Ariza? Think again. To sum up: the Lakers ditched an efficient roleplayer who could spackle in any hole for an inefficient alpha dog wanna be who needs a lot of touches to light it up. I can't tell you how happy this makes me. Although, of course, Ron-Ron can still turn up some defensive pressure from time to time.

4. The Bat-Manu: This has been covered pretty much everywhere, but Manu Ginobili's smackdown of a live bat during a live game on Halloween night ranks up there with Wilt's 100-point game, the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls' 72-win season and Shaq's "number of former coaches/teams/teamates thrown under the bus" as pro basketball's never-again-to-be-seen accomplishments.

Said Ginobili: "When you can't dunk anymore, you have to find a way to make it into the news. So that's what I did. I grabbed a bat. I didn’t think it was a big deal."

Added Spurs coach Greg Popovich: "He never ceases to amaze me and he just did it again. The legend grows. It's incredible on Halloween night. You would call someone a liar if they told you that story."

5. Possible sign of the apocalypse: Zach Randolph dished out seven assists last night. Seven! WHO IS THIS MAN AND WHAT HAS HE DONE WITH ZACH RANDOLPH? Fortunately, Allen Iverson is expected to make his Grizzlies debut tonight, so I expect order will soon be restored to the universe. (EDIT: And our very own Chris will be attending the festivities, with "practice" well on his mind!!!)

UPDATE! Chris's lacktion report:

Failtacular Friday
Knicks-Bobcats: Toney Douglas bricked once and fouled once as well for a +2 suck differential in 2:26 for New York. While Charlotte's Nazr Mohammed blocked one shot to avoid a suck differential of his own, his 3:14 stint of a giveaway and a brick led to a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Wizards-Hawks: Dominic McGuire becomes our first two-time lacktator of the year, racking up another +2 (via missed shot and foul) in 2:41. Dishonorable mention goes out to his teammate Nick Young, whose singular board marred an eight-brick appearance.

Raptors-Grizzlies: Amir Johnson has merely returned to form, with a +2 via fouls in 2:07 to put him back in his usual spot within the fine print of the sporting section.

Heat-Pacers: Yakhouba Diawara makes his 2009 lacktion debut with a all-fouls +2 in 5:36, the longest stint of non-contribution in the young season so far. On the other half of the court, Indiana's AJ Price clearly has the right last name to celebrate his 1.3 trillion take tonight!

Kings-Hornets: Sergio Rodriguez may have taken down a rebound for the purple paupers, but a mere 14 seconds of court time is all that's needed to reboot a dusty NES console for a Mario.

Bulls-Celtics: With Brian Scalabrine out, Doc Rivers called on JR Giddens to be tonight's human victory cigar, and he gave up the rock once for a +1 in 3:58. Conversely, Lindsey Hunter let Vinny Del Negro down by making one assist after a stellar statline of two fouls, one turnover, and two unsuccessful tosses from downtown.

Magic-Nets: Anthony Johnson had his nightly stretching session on WiiFit, a non-intense 30 second Mario that no doubt burned fewer calories than any cheering he might have done on the pine all game long.

Crabs-Wolves: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson finally gets a shot at living up to his moniker and providing LeBron and Shaq with a reliable human victory cigar. He pinched out two bricks and a giveaway for a +3 in 1:46.

Thunder-Pistons: Detroit rookie Austin Daye fouled once for a +1 in 1:12.

Clippers-Jazz: Wesley Matthews makes his second visit to the lacktion report for Jerry Sloan's squad, bringing home the bacon with a 2.3 trillion!

Warriors-Suns: Phoenix's Jarron Collins narrowly avoided non-contribution with a board, only to accrue a foul and giveaway for a 2:1 Voskuhl in 1:32. His teammate Alando Tucker was much more successful with his negatory ventures, tossing one brick for a +1 in 2:53.

Mavs-Lakers: With the game pretty much decided before the final frame, the sanitation crews were hard at work cleaning up with sloppy play, resulting in two non-notables from each squad accruing a +1 suck differential. Mark Cuban's finest Havanas were well-lit tonight, as rookie Rodrigue Beaubois bricked once in 2:49, while the headbanded Matt Carroll (whose head attire received guffaws from the NBA on ESPN crew) took 11 fewer seconds to achieve the same demerit from Broadway.

For Phil Jackson's team, putting on a feature more worthy of public access rather than Showtime, DJ Mbenga fouled once for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl in 3:11, while former 3rd overall pick Adam Morrison heaved some masonry in a stint 7 seconds shorter.

Scary Saturday!
Nets-Wizards: New Jersey's Bobby Simmons put in 4:31 of tanktopped aerobics today, bricking once for a +1 suck differential. But the real story is the early star of lacktion this season, Dominic McGuire, who laid down a 3.4 trillion that will no doubt be measured against the size of Agent Zero's contract!

Bobcats-Crabs: With Cleveland crawling back up to .500, the game ended up being out of reach by the end of the 3rd - turning the match into a Powerball payout! For Michael Jordan's pet project of pain, DeSagana Diop cashed out at 1.25 trillion and Derrick Brown received a check for 1.55 trillion. Mike Brown's set-it-and-forget-it crustacean bake offerred up Jamario Moon's +1 via brick in 1:37, Jawad Williams's 1.55 trillion, and Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson's own reimbursement of 1.25 trillion.

Pistons-Bucks: Former 1st overall pick Kwame Brown did make four rebounds and one steal in 12:39, only to foul four times and give up the rock thricely for a 7:4 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, Milwaukee's Roko Ukic switched on his Game Boy briefly for a 12 second Mario!!!!!!

Mavs-Clippers: In his second straight night of lacktion, Matt Carroll invested in two fouls for a +2 in 5:47, while Dunleavy's doofuses DeAndre Jordan and Steve Novak showed up on the ledger with respective statlines of +4 in 2:04 via a brick and three fouls (also good for a 3:0 Voskuhl) and a +1 with a 32 second Mario, after getting lost on Olvera Street downtown. Novak's brief masquerade as a baller makes him the first multiple Nintendo devotee of the season, adding a Game and Watch to his collection.

Snoozin' Sunday
Magic-Raptors: While Marcin Gortat did help out on a basket and take down a board in 14:05, he also fouled and bricked thricely for a 3:1 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Nuggets: Hamed Haddadi's 2:52 on the hardwood unfortunately featured a couple of boards and a block, but by fouling twice and handing the rock to Denver once, he earned himself a 3:2 Voskuhl. Malik Allen on the other hand burned up the court with a Fireflower for a 6 second Super Mario! Allen's brief night is all the more noteworthy as he is the first to reach a state of Doki Doki Panic with his second consecutive Super Mario, after a four-second 1Up on Thursday - two stints that combined would each still qualify as one Super Mario on its lonesome!!!!!!

Worst of the Night: October 29, 2009

2009-10-30T10:25:00.004-05:00

The San Antonio Spurs: Nothing makes a team look old and creaky quite like facing a young, running, gunning team on the road on the second night of back-to-backs. And that's exactly what happened to the "new-look" Spurs last night.

Sure, Tim Duncan (28 points, 16 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 steals, 3 blocks) tortured the Bulls like they had just cut off his mom's head, Mrs. Voorhees-style. But the rest of the Spurs? Well, if you're a San Antonio fan, watching them get walked all over by a less-talented Bulls team had to be almost as disturbing as these Robert Pattinson underwear:

Why, God? Why?
On the subject, come on, Twighlight fans. Is this kind of stuff really necessary? Isn't it bad enough that your beloved book-turned-movie series has finalized the emasculation of the American vampire -- which was begun by Anne Rice, by the way -- turning the former terrifying creatures of the night into day-walking teddy bears who spend more time planning for the prom than kicking ass without plastering your hunky star's vamp face onto the casing intended for a male crotch? Why not just write some fan fiction where Edward blows somebo...oops, too late.

How did all this start, anyway? Oh, right. So the Spurs not named Tim Duncan sucked ass last night. Tony Parker (former Finals MVP) and Manu Ginobili (who really, really needs to just shave his damn head) combined to shoot 7-for-22. The team was slaughtered on the offensive boards in the first half, giving up 10 for 19 second-chance points going Chicago's way. For the game, the Bulls (a notoriously bad rebounding team last season) outrebounded the Spurs 52-44 (including 15-8 on the offensive glass) and had a 23-12 edge in second-chance points.

Despite Ducan's 13-for-19 performance, the Spurs shot 42 percent for the game, 19 percent from downtown (4-for-21) and only 65 percent from the line (15-for-23).

Richard Jefferson: He was San Antonio's biggest offseason acquisition...and through two games, he's their biggest bust. This went somewhat unnoticed because the Spurs thrashed the Hornets on opening night, but Jefferson stunk it up in his first game for his new team (5 points, 1-for-7). He wasn't much better in his second game, scoring only 9 points on 3-for-9 shooting. I understand that it's going to take him time to adjust to Pop's system, but Jefferson has looked like a poor fit so far.

John Salmons: The Fish Man is supposed to be the Bulls' replacement for Ben Gordon (and Gordon's 20+ points per game). Well, Chicago fans who freaked out when management let Gordon walk had their fears partially justified last night. Salmons went 3-for-15 from the field and 1-for-9 from three-point range. It was like Gordon had left behind his shot selection but not his shot-making ability. For John's sake, let's, uh, hope it was the San Antonio defense.

Greg Oden: Last night featured a classic Greg Oden game. Minutes limited by foul trouble? Check. (22 minutes, 5 fouls) Limited offense? Check. (6 points, 2-for-5 shooting) Enough rebounding and shot-blocking in abbreviated PT to seemingly justify the continuing myth that Oden could be a elite center? Check. (9 boards, 2 blocks) But still, that's pretty disappointing for a former number one overall pick's third season, right?

But wait, there's more. With Portland trailing 95-94 with five seconds left, Greg stepped up to the line with a chance to tie the game or give his team the lead. And he shanked 'em both. Oh dear, free throw fail. And, yeah, it kinda cost his team the game. Said Oden: "This is a tough one. I definitely stepped up there with confidence thinking I was going to hit both and it didn't go that way. I put this loss on me. I need to step up and make those."

The Portland Trail Blazers: Don't put 100 percent of this loss on Oden, though. The Blazers shot 34 percent from the field. It's a little hard to win when you shoot that poorly, especially when your top two players (Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge) combine to go 10-for-31. So I'm wagging my finger at the whole team here.

Nate McMillan, unintentionally dirty quote machine: This nomination comes from Alex B., who lives all the way in Romania. After his team lost last night, Nate paid some unintentionally dirty homage to Carmelo Anthony's 41 points: "The guy showed tonight what he's all about. [The Nuggets] basically gave him the ball and rode him."

The Official (Short) Lacktion Report (by Chris): No night is too brief for lacktion:

Spurs-Bulls: Theo Ratliff's unproductive stint expired after 2:43, but not before he dropped down a foul for a +1 suck differential, also good for the very first Madsen-level Voskuhl of the year at 1:0!

Nuggets-Blazers: While the living embodiment of Geritol bricked from the charity stripe, Denver's Malik Allen mushroomed into a four-second Super Mario!!!!!!

Joakim Noah will thank ESPN to stay out of his personal affairs

2009-10-29T15:58:00.003-05:00

Check out this item from the ESPN.com NBA Rumors page. Noah ready to bang, ESPN? Really?! Of course, look at Joakim's zany smile...maybe he really is ready to bang! Seriously.

Mucho thanks to Basketbawful reader Garron for the head's up.

Worst of the Night: October 28, 2009

2009-10-29T07:54:00.008-05:00

Hey, look! It's the proposed 2009-10 NBA Coach of the Year...now 0-2.
The Philadelphia 76ers: The Orlando Magic were without Rashard Lewis, who was suspended for 10 games after testing positive for an elevated level of testosterone (I always knew he was on 'rhoids!), but it hardly mattered. The Sixers had to outscore the Magic 37-22 in the fourth quarter just to make the final score (120-106) look respectable. Philly actually enjoyed a 30-17 advantage in free throw attempts -- on the road no less -- but they missed nine of them, in addition to letting Orlando shoot a blistering 57 percent from the field and 55 from downtown. I guess "hand in the face" is a lost art in the City of Brotherly Love.

Can't you feel the love tonight?
Elton Brand: Philly's big free agent acquisition of 2008 was a big splatter of fail last season, but the return of a healthy Brand was supposed to make the Sixers a vastly improved team this season. Har, har. Elton looked just as bad as he did in the games he actually appeared in last year, scoring only 8 points on 2-for-7 shooting to go with 6 boards. For all the bad luck of the Clippers, it now appears that Brand's backstabbing farewell in free agency was actually a good thing.

The Indiana Pacers: Danny Granger (31 points, 10-for-18, 5-for-10 on threes) was brilliant in a double-digit loss. I may have to cut-and-paste that line for 50 or so Pacers games this season.

Best out-of-context picture of the night: This one is still making me laugh, especially the ref's fist pump.

Fun with box scores: RensTheRipper writes: "ESPN are into it already, giving a beautiful double negative 'non-unsportsmanlike technical' to Solomon Jones as he rampaged against his old team. I can't believe he committed a sportsmanlike technical. Thank you ESPN, I can't not non-dislike you for brilliant commentary."

The Cleveland Craboliers: So...the preseason pick for "best team in basketball" is now 0-2 for the first time since the 2004-05 season. But...but...they have the reigning Coach of the Year, the reigning MVP, and the supposed Most Dominant Ever! After getting punked by the Celtics at home in the season opener, the Crabs traveled to Toronto and lost to the Raptors by double-digits despite a 23/11/12 triple-double from King Crab. The Mistake by the Lakers shot a woeful 35 percent from the field despite adding one of the best inside players of all time. Speaking of which...

Shaq: The Big Creaky scored 12 points and grabbed 7 boards. Not exactly MDE material. He also failed to register a block or hit a free throw (0-for-3). Meanwhile, Chris Bosh -- whom the Big Mouth last season referred to as "the RuPaul of Big Men" -- had 21 points and 16 rebounds. Note that Shaq had by far the worst plus-minus score of the night (-25).

More bawful from Shayan of the Raptors blog Mediocre Forever: "What a season opener here in Toronto. I remember reading recently on Basketbawful about a comment from a reader saying how Big Z and Shaq are the slowest front court EVER to grace an NBA floor. And then tonight, I watched Andrea Bargnani, who went bonkers and was unstoppable (actually the referees stopped him with BS fouls forcing him to the bench), run circles around Big Z and the Big Geritol (God I love that nickname). It was like back in elementary school on the playground where everyone's outrunning the fat kid." Jinkies.

The New York Knicks: I thought canning Isiah after the 2007-08 season was supposed to improve the Knicks? If last night's 22-point drubbing -- during which New York shot 38 percent, missed 29 three-pointers, and let their opponent shoot nearly 57 percent -- is any indication, it's going to be a looooong season for Knicks fans. Again. Especially when you consider they have basically no chance whatsoever of landing LeBron next summer. Sorry, but you know it's true.

Nate Robinson: 0-for-8 from the field, 0-for-5 from beyond the arc, 1 point. Remember all the "The Knicks really need to resign Nate Robinson" noise from the offseason? As always, I'm just sayin'.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Can I get a "they are who we thought they were"? Despite playing at home and shooting almost 56 percent from the field, the Clippers lost 109-107 to a Suns team that now has to start Channing Frye at center. The biggest reason The Other L.A. team failed yet again was because they couldn't contain Steve Nash, who scored 15 of his 24 points in the fourth quarter, including the go-ahead layup with five seconds left in the game. The second-biggest reason the Clips lost? Probably the 12 missed free throws (15-for-27).

Fun fact: The run 'n gun Suns had 2 fast break points...for the game.

Steve Nash, quote machine: On his game-winning shot: "I went to the old-white-guy-at-the-YMCA shot and I was lucky to make something happen."

The Memphis Grizzlies: Opening the season at home, the Baby Bears shot 36 percent, bonked nine free throws and got hammered by the Pistons 96-74. And here's a sad little factoid for you: "The Grizzlies set an NBA record with their ninth consecutive season-opening loss, breaking the previous record of eight set by Atlanta from 1999-2006." Historic fail.

Lionel Hollins, inspirational quote machine: Here's what the Memphis coach had to say after his team got drubbed: "It was generally a bad night shooting. [Our players] just have to come down to Earth and realize winning in the NBA is very difficult, and it takes a lot of work and effort. Our young guys were like deer in headlights."

The New Orleans Hornets: It can't feel good to shoot 50 percent as a team and lose by almost 20. But hey, scoring only 13 points in the first quarter can do that to you. Remember how, two seasons ago, the Hornets were the Team of the Future? I guess the future was now for the 2007-08 Hornets. Too bad they didn't know that at the time. But hey, Chris Paul is awesome, so they still have that going for them...which is nice.

Peja Stojakovic: He came off the bench to play only 20 minutes, scoring 4 points on 1-for-2 shooting. Hey, wasn't Peja supposed to be a pretty big cog in the New Orleans machine? Too much whoring around, I guess.

All the teams that didn't draft DeJuan Blair: How in the world did this kid slip to the second round of this year's NBA draft? I was screaming for the Bulls to choose him -- twice -- but hey fell and fell until the Spurs gleefully plucked him out of the pool of dwindling talent at 37. Good call. Last night, Blair played 23 minutes off the bench, scoring 14 points (7-for-10), grabbing 11 boards (5 offensive) and even dishing out 3 assists. Hornets coach Byron Scott called Blair a "monster" and added: "You know, a 6-5, 6-6 center who comes in and plays 22 minutes and gets 14-11 is pretty impressive," Scott said. "Especially for a rookie."

"Nobody can go 82-0" is the new early-season excuse: I heard or read this about a dozen times the last few days after season-opening losses: well, teams can't go 82-0, so losing is kinda-sorta okay. Eh?! The latest of these quotes comes from Chris Paul, who said, "We hoped to go 82-0, but we knew it wasn't too feasible."

The New Jersey Nets: Dear God, this team sucks. They were bad last season with Vince Carter...and replacing him with Courtney Lee didn't exactly cause a spike in their talent level. And so it's not shocking that they opened the season by losing to a lowly Timberwolves team that wasted the fifth pick in this year's NBA draft on a kid who's probably never going to play for them and had to squeeze 20 minutes out of Brian "How In The Hell Is This Guy Still In The League" Cardinal (who actually had 7 points on 3-for-4 shooting to go with 4 boards, an assist and a steal). Mind you, Minnesota shot only 36 percent from the floor and went only 1-for-7 from the Land of Three. Of course, New Jersey was 0-for-8 from downtown, so I guess long-distance shooting was a bit of a wash.

The Nets might have won if they hadn't given up 18 offensive boards and committed 22 turnovers for 24 points going the other way. Brook Lopez -- who had 27 points, 15 rebounds and 4 blocks for the Nets -- said: "We just got kind of careless with the ball. I definitely did. I turned the ball over three or four times. The last little span ended up costing us the game, obviously."

Fun fact that's not all that surprising: The Nets haven't won a game in Minnesota since November 23, 2002.

Fun fact that may cause milk to shoot out your nose (if you're drinking any): Get this: "The Timberwolves finished the game on a 24-6 run and are now 9-2 in their last 11 season openers. They're also 11-2 all-time in season openers played at home, the best such record in the NBA." Who knew?! If only opening night was every night for the poor T-Wolves.

Rafer Alston: This dude was so stoked last year when he got traded to the Magic. Well, if last night's box score is any indication, he's much less stoked to be playing for the Nets. Alston logged 23 minutes and finished with 3 assists, 3 turnovers and zero points on 0-for-2 shooting. I hereby dub him "Skip 2 My Gak."

Update! The Minnesota starting frontcourt: From NarSARSsist: "Bawful -- I think some praise is much deserved for the Minnesota starting front line. Not only did Al Jefferson and Ryan Gomes combine for 19 points (5-for-20) and only 8 boards with 7 fouls, they also managed to get outrebounded by every small T-Wolf except Sasha Pavlovic. In addition, they even made Man Chair...errr Chairman Yi look good with 17 points and 12 rebounds." Praise given.

The Charlotte Bobcats: The runner up (to the Clippers) for last night's "They Are Who We Thought They Were" award. I would say that the Bobcats travelled to Boston for a historic defeat, but I'm not sure any of the Charlotte players actually, you know, showed up. Let's go ahead and call 'em the Charlotte Body Doubles okay? Alrighty then, so the Body Doubles shot 31 percent from the field, got blanked from downtown (0-for-10), missed 12 free throws (13-for-25) and committed 21 turnovers (which the Celtics transfigured into 24 points). By the end of the night, the BDs had scored only 59 points. Not only was that a franchise low for one game, it was the lowest point total for an opener in NBA history since the advent of the shot clock (1954-55). Guh. I think that just made all the milk in Charlotte curdle.

Larry Brown, quote machine: When asked whether he'd ever coached a team that scored in the 50s, Brown said: "I don't known if they call that coaching. Our team wasn't prepared. Weren't ready to play. That's nobody's fault but the coach." Those are nice sentiments, and it's sweet that he would try to cover his players' asses, but you don't coach height, and Tyson Chandler -- who's supposed to be pretty close to seven feet tall -- went 0-for-5 and didn't score. (It sure is harder to dump in points when Chris Paul isn't feeding you alley-oops, eh, Tyson? I can tell you this much: his performance last night probably earned Chicago Bulls management a huge sigh of relief. "See," John Paxson must have been thinking, "we were right to get rid of that guy way back when.")

Also, fellow starters Gerald Wallace (3-for-9), Boris Diaw (3-for-7), Stephen Graham (2-for-11) and Raymond Felton (3-for-11) all shot like hell and combined for 14 turnovers and only 5 assists (2 for Diaw and 3 for Felton). Their combined plus-minus score was -120. Seriously.

Brian Scalabrine: Veal earned a DNP-CD in a 33-point blowout? Really?! And remember: the Celtics are already down one member of their frontcourt rotation (Big Baby). Can somebody explain why the guy who got several starts when Kevin Garnett went down last season can't even get off the bench in garbage time? I mean, garbage time is Scalabrine Time, baby! I mean, right? Not last night, it wasn't. Update! My bad. Apparently, he's hurt.

Update! Tommy Heinsohn: An anonymous commenter said: "I think Tommy Heinsohn should get a mention for WotN. During a loose ball, Kevin Garnett landed on Raymond Felton's head, opening up a pretty nasty cut on his lip, which required 15 stitches. While Felton was laying on the ground motionless covering his face, Heinsohn was yelling, "That should be a three second violation on Felton!" It's funny in retrospect being Felton wasn't seriously injured, but I think Tommy finally crossed the line last night that separated passionate home announcer and sociopath." The only thing I can say here -- and it's not really a defense of Tommy -- is that Heinsohn crossed the line into sociopathy yeeeeeeears ago.

Stephen Jackson, "he just doesn't get it" quote machine: After dissing his team and demanding a trade during the offseason, Captain Jack was met with boos in the Warriors' home opener. Said Jax: "It is what it is. I don't expect everybody to love me. I heard it but I didn’t let it affect my game at all. To each his own. I've been booed many times. This isn't the first time." And, uh, doesn't that sorta tell you something, Cap?

The Official Lacktion Report by Chris: Not everybody can get a little action, but plenty of NBAers can get a little lacktion...

Crabs-Raptors: While Tarence Kinsey's crawling has been sorely missed on the shores of Lake Erie, Toronto's human victory cigar Marcus Banks admired a Power Glove for 25 seconds to accrue a Mario.

Knicks-Heat: New York's Jordan Hill climbed a brick wall in 1:45 on his way to a suck differential of +1 via missed shot.

Kings-Thunder: Donte Greene of the Kings averaged one miscue a minute - a brick, giveaway, and foul - for +3 in 3:37.

Suns-Clippers: Steve Novak turned the dial all the way to eleven on Guitar Hero for his Wii, pounding out 11 seconds of rhythm in his first Mario of the year.

Jazz-Nuggets: Jerry Sloan may never win Coach of the Year, due to his smart usage of a staff of lacktators. With Kyrylo Fesenko slumping into usefulness, Sloan quickly assembled a trio of time-wasters to warm the bench for the new season, starting with Wesley Matthews, who was crushed with youthful disappointment through a brick and block in 5:12 that resulted in a +2. The Jazz's 2009 first rounder, Eric Maynor, became the first baller to earn an interview with Robin Leach, after taking home a 2.85 trillion fortune. Finally, the ever-unmemorable Kosta Koufos spun into a brick in just 45 seconds, leading to a Mario AND a +1!

Phil and Kobe: Man love denied

2009-10-28T16:21:00.002-05:00

I have a new favorite video of all time. Watch as Phil Jackson, in all his infinite and goofy whiteness, tries to fist bump his franchise player. Only Kobe leaves poor Phil hanging, so P-Jax is forced to pass it off by fist bumping his own face. I kid you not. If you don't laugh at this, then welcome to the past, T-1000. And no, I have not seen that boy.

A great many thanks to Basketbawful reader Nick N. for sending in the link.

Worst of Opening Night: October 27, 2009

2009-10-28T07:37:00.004-05:00

Thanks to Stephanie G. for today's pic.

The Cleveland Craboliers: On paper, Cleveland's talent level is off the charts, particularly after the additions of Shaq, Anthony Parker and Jamario Moon. They got to open the season at home, where they lost only twice last season. Less than seven minutes into the first quarter, Shaq hit his third consecutive field goal to put the Crabs up 21-7. They earned (if you want to call it that) a 32-26 advantage at the line and scored 20 points off Boston's 14 turnovers. And, of course, King Crab himself was (as always) scary good (38 points, 4 rebounds, 8 assists, 2 steals, 4 blocks).

I guess what I'm trying to say is: the Crabs had every reason to win this game. Only...they didn't. Meanwhile, Boston ended an 11-game losing streak in Cleveland (including playoff games) and "snapped a 16-game skid by visiting teams in games between the Eastern powers who figure to meet again sometime in May or June." Yeah, I know. Who keeps track of this stuff?

Anyway, the Celtics showed once again that offensive firepower -- however awesome, again, on paper -- can and will wilt under furious defensive pressure. The Boston D held the Cleveland O to 41 percent shooting, in part because Mike Brown didn't add many new wrinkles to his generic "Give LeBron the ball and let everybody watch" offense set, unless you count occasionally posting Shaq as a new wrinkle. Speaking of the Big Geritol...

Shaq: He looked unstoppable in the first quarter and finished with a double-double (10 points, 10 rebounds). But from the second quarter on, the Celtics got away with single coverage as Kendrick Perkins simply pushed the Big Creaky off his sweet spots and forced him, as Doug Collins put it, "to make shots." Which he didn't, going 1-for-5 in the second half and missing both of his free throws. But that wasn't the worst of it. They Celtics turned him into the Big Defensive Liability in the closing minutes, putting Shaq into pick-and-roll situations and watching him fail to cover. As a result of the Big Slow Poke deficiencies, Paul Pierce got open for a couple clutch buckets that helped boil the Crabs.

Quick quiz: From Stephanie G.: "Quick: name a C/PF combo slower than Shaq/Big Z. Any year will do."

The Cleveland bench: The preseason talk that wasn't about Shaq and LeBron was about how freaky deep the Crabs are. Well, Boston's reserve corps outscored Cleveland's pine riders 26-10. In fact, Rasheed Wallace (12 points, 3-for-6 from downtown) outscored the Crabs' bench by himself. By game's end, the Cleveland reserves had more fouls (7) than field goals (3-for-11).

The Big Excuse Machine: Said Shaq: "We'd like to start off 1-0, but there are 100 games left. We'll be fine. I've been on teams that started 0-1, 0-5, 5-0, 10-0. Nothing matters unless you win the whole thing." Everybody remember that if the Crabs don't win the whole thing.

Shelden Williams: Teams don't usually let former fifth overall draft picks (as Williams was for the Hawks in 2006) just walk away. But Atlanta did, and for good reason. This kid has a debilitating case of Kwame Hands. Seriously, I haven't seen that many good passes go careening off a player's hands since John Stockton was feeding Greg Ostertag back in the late 90s. Does Shelden pre-soak his hands in Crisco before games? It sure seemed like it.

Update! Rajon Rondo: I almost forgot about how he got crab-blocked last night. Don't be bringing that weak, one-handed, cotton candy stuff, Rajon.

Fun with box scores: Basketbawful reader Murcy says: "NBA.com thinks Woody Allen is on the Celtics."

The Dallas Mavericks: Last season, the Washington Wizards were an NBA-worst 6-35 on the road. That didn't matter last night, as they smacked down the Mavs in Dallas by a score of 102-91. The Mavericks have now lost two straight season openers and three of their last four.

Der Blond Bombermeister scored a game-high 34 points but, as so often seems to be the case, didn't get the support he needed. Outside of Nowiztki, the Dallas O blew chucks, as the Mavs shot 39 percent as a team. Note that, excluding Jason Kidd (who had 6 dimes), the Dallas starters registered one lonely assist.

Shawn Marion: He had 16 points and 7 rebounds, but I find it interesting that the Mavs were -17 points when he was on the floor. Let's keep an eye on this.

Jason Kidd, super-dramatic quote machine: "[Nowitzki] would be dead by Christmas if we're going to let him be the offense. Our team defense stunk. We didn't rebound the ball well. Everything we're supposed to do well was a no-show tonight."

The Houston Rockets: I'll give them points for scrappiness, but if last night's 96-87 loss is any indication, the Rockets may end up leading the league in hard-fought losses this season. I mean, can you really expect better than 37 percent shooting from a group of roleplayers? Speaking of which...

Tracy McGrady: Knee-Mac is still in absentia due to recovery from microfracture surgery. I would now like a show of hands from everybody who's surprised about this. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

The Blazers Butterfingers: Portland might have won by 20+ points if they'd been able to hold on to the rock. The Blazers committed 26 turnovers, which is the most lost balls they've had since the 2007-08 season. On that subject...

Greg Oden: The big fella didn't do much scoring (2 points, 1-for-3), but he helped dominate with 12 boards and 5 blocks. Of course, he offset some of that good play by bobbling the ball away a game-high 7 times. I guess, like Shelden Williams, he had a case of the Kwame Hands. He also had, not surprisingly, 5 fouls.

The Los Angeles Clippers: What can you say? They are who we thought they were, you know?

You should have run, Blake. You should have run.
Amazingly, the Clips actually could have won this game had they not committed 20 turnovers (including 9 in the first quarter), thereby giving the Lakers 24 bonus points. That's kind of a big deal in a seven-point loss. Said Baron Davis: "We really felt we could've won this game. If you take away a lot of mistakes that we made at the end of the first quarter and all the turnovers we had, it would've been a different ballgame." Speaking of Davis...

Baron Davis: Get ready to be shocked. I'm serious. Get ready. Okay, are you ready. Here goes: Baron is hurt already. Good luck finding the socks that just got blown off your feet. Speaking of feet, B-Dizzle has a bruised right foot, which might explain the 1-for-10 shooting. How much did the Clippers spend on this guy again...? Oh, right: $65 million for five years.

Ron Artest's offense: Crazy Pills went 3-for-10 from the field, 1-for-5 from beyond the arc, and 3-for-7 from the line. Maybe he should spend more time at shooting practice and less time at the barber shop.

Here's a closer look, courtesy of Dan B.

Ron-Ron did have a game-high plus-minus score of +14 though. Does that make him the Lakers' MVP? On the other end of the spectrum was...

Luke Walton: In three minutes of lacktion (0-for-1, 1 steal), the Son of Walton managed to earn himself a team-worst plus-minus score of -8. Good thing Mitch Kupchak locked this kid up for five years at the low, low price of only $30 million back in the summer of '07. But at least he's not:

Adam Morrison: DNP-CD. 'Nuff said.

General 'bawfulry: From Wild Yams:

Despite the win, if I was a Celtics fan I'd be a bit worried for one reason alone: KG doesn't look good at all. It might be just rust though, that's definitely plausible. But it didn't look like KG's timing was off, it looked to me like he had hardly any of his athleticism and explosiveness out there. I had to keep reminding myself to watch what he was doing because for long stretches he was just... invisible. Boston's so loaded that they'll be able to hide whatever shortcomings KG might have (if he's indeed gonna continue to play like this), but against Orlando or LA/SA in the playoffs, they're gonna need him to be what he used to be if they want to have a chance to win.

If I was a Cleveland fan I'd be plain worried cause that team doesn't look to be good enough to be considered one of the 5 "true contenders" this year. It's the same ol' story: LeBron and a bunch of minnies. Shaq looks to be a really, really poor fit for that team, and Mike Brown is totally clueless about what to do (which is why once again the offense is to give it to LeBron at the top of the key and let him create everything). Orlando and Boston will lay treadmarks all over the Cavs if this is all they've got.

The Lakers looked either disinterested or just out of sorts due to the ring ceremony (or Artest's hair or Odom's new bride or take your pick). LA's bench was plain awful tonight, though that'll probably change a bit when Gasol comes back and Odom is a reserve again. Nevertheless, as I said after the first preseason game, if Artest is gonna be that unselfish and Bynum is gonna be that dominant, it's gonna be very, very hard to beat this Laker team. As always though, it was against the Clippers so take it all with a grain of salt. Too bad due to the uber-cushy Laker schedule to start the year, it's really gonna be a while before we'll get to see what they're made of (unless they collapse, that is, then we'll know they're just way overrated).

Greg Oden -- 26 minutes, 2 points, 5 fouls, 7 turnovers. Combined with the Vanilla Godzilla and LaMarcus "5 years/$70m" Aldridge, the supposedly imposing Blazer frontline was only able to score 15 points combined against a miniscule Houston frontline of Chuck Hayes, Luis Scola and Carl Landry.

Wasn't Dallas supposed to be much improved this year?

Lacktion report (by Chris):

The opening tip-off has arrived, so bring out the awful Craig Sager suits! Get paranoid over labor unrest! Conjure all the rumors of King Crab signing in Brooklyn come summer 2010! And don't forget figuring out which team honcho will be out on the street in 15 months, via that person's unlucky acceptance of the Coach of the Year award! But of course, in order for this to be officially another year in the life of the Association...

we've gotta have lacktion, and luckily some of the usual suspects were available to aim as low as they possibly could. Again.

So let's focus on our only honorees for October 27th...

Wizards-Mavs: Washington's Javale McGee kicks off this season of lacktion with his tribute to the unemployed plumber from the Peachtree State, taking a 42-second moment of silence (on the scoresheet) to put down the very first Mario of the year. Helping the Wizards out in their winning effort was Dominic McGuire, who fouled twice for a +2 suck differential in 2:20.

At least Blake Griffin got injured playing basketball...

2009-10-27T12:25:00.004-05:00

...unlike Glen "Big Baby" Davis, who apparently broke his thumb "in an altercation with a former college teammate." Davis needs surgery to repair the damaged digit and could miss up to two months. Oh, and he might be suspended, too. Said Celtics co-owner Wyc Grousbeck:

"We'll deal with it. I'm not going to call him 'Big Baby' anymore. He's Glen. He needs to act like Glen. We'll decide what to do once I talk to him, once we talk to him today. It's very likely he'll be suspended. And he'll have some time to think about it. It'll be a message, a teachable moment for the rest of the guys on the team."

Uh, sure, Wyc. But...who exactly on the Celtics needs to be taught not to injure themselves in fights with former college teammates? I sort of assumed that was a given, but maybe not. Also, I'm sure that calling him "Glen" instead of "Big Baby" will totally force him to grow up. In the meantime, I have a new entry for the Basketbawful Dumb Injury Hall of Shame.

And they are who we thought they were...

2009-10-27T08:06:00.004-05:00

Stop looking so surprised. The Clippers define fail.
I couldn't help but spit up a little when I read this part of Bill Simmons' 2009-10 NBA preview:

The Clippers are going to be good. The parts fit. They have size, shooting and rebounding. They can play fast or slow. Their best player (Baron Davis) is motivated again. They have the Gordon/Griffin combo, only the NBA's best young inside/outside combo. They have a bench. They have cap flexibility (only $36 million committed next season). This is a playoff team. I'm telling you. And as I've written many times, Clipperland remains the most logical 2010 LeBron destination on paper. It's true.

Mind you, this is the same guy who wrote an open letter to Blake Griffin warning him about the dangers of playing for the Clippers. His exact words:

Run. Just start running. Run for your life. Run like the star of a horror movie. Don't turn around. Run and keep running.

Well, Simmons was right to warn Griffin (and laughably wrong to predict they'll be good)...because this year's number one overall draft pick will miss up to six weeks weeks with a broken knee cap:

Griffin apparently broke his kneecap during the Clippers' final exhibition game against New Orleans last Friday, perhaps after a dunk that left the power forward wincing in pain. The team initially said Griffin only had a sore left knee, making him questionable for the opener, before revealing the break.

Mind you, "back in six weeks" does not mean "back to 100 percent in six weeks." For the last time: Can we all just stop being surprised when this stuff happens to the Clippers?

Bonus quote: If you check out Kevin Arnovitz' season preview at ClipperBlog, you'll notice the following quote from yours truly in the "No You Can't" section: "The best thing the Clippers can say about the last 25 or so years is 'At least some terrible hell beast hasn't risen from the sea and eaten our team.' Yet." See? Even a month ago when I wrote that line, I already knew they are who we thought they were...

2009-10 Coach of the Year: Mike Dunleavy

2009-10-26T08:07:00.004-05:00

Mike "Dumbleavy" Coach of the Year? It could totally happen. Trust me.
Samahn from Italia wrote in to say: "I saw this and immediately thought of 'bawful. Special wag of the finger goes to Chris Sheridan and Royce Webb of ESPN.com for predicting that Mike Dunleavy will get Coach of the Year. Wow...I'm speachless. This is the same guy who, well, you know. Please but shame on these two ESPN writers and forever ingrave them in the 'bawful archives!

Actually, that preduction may not be too far out there. Let's look at some recent CoY recipients:

1. Mike Brown (2008-09): Subsequently outcoached in the Eastern Conference Finals, marking one of the only times in league history a team had both the MVP and the Coach of the Year yet failed to reach the NBA Finals.

2. Sam Mitchell (2006-07): Subsequently fired by the Raptors only 17 games into the 2008-09 season after a 39-point loss to the Denver Nuggets.

3. Avery Johnson (2005-06): Subsequently fired following the 2007-08 season because the Mavs needed a fresh start. I'm sure those three consecutive humiliating playoff losses had nothing whatsoever to do with it.

4. Mike D'Antoni (2004-05): Subsequently "allowed to pursue employment opportunities elsewhere" by the Suns following the 2008-09 season and yet another painful playoff loss to the San Antonio Spurs.

4. Hubie Brown (2003-04): Subsequently retired 12 games into the 2004-05 season because, dear lord, the man is an ancient mummy creature! And why spend your twilight years coaching the Grizzlies, you know?

5. Rick Carlisle (2001-02): Subsequently fired after the 2002-03 season so the Pistons could hire Larry Brown...and win the 2004 NBA title.

6. Doc Rivers (1999-00): Subsequently fired during the 2003-04 season after his Magic squad started the year 1-10. Note that he continued to suck in Boston until Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen arrived to save him.

7. Mike Dunleavy (1998-99): And we come full circle! Subsequently fired after the 2000-01 season. From the actual press release: "Mike Dunleavy was dismissed as coach of the Portland Trail Blazers tonight, taking the fall for an underachieving team that failed to win a playoff game despite an NBA-record $89.7 million payroll."

Did I mention that Jerry Sloan still hasnt' won a Coach of the Year award despite a 1137-751 (.602) record and 12 50-win seasons? Oh, and in 21 years of coaching in Utah, the Jazz have have a losing record exactly...once.

So, to sum up, the state of the NBA Coach of the Year award is an absolute joke. As such, it would not surprise me in the least if Mike Dunleavy won it this year...and was subsequently fired within two seasons. After all, as you can see, history tends to repeat itself.

Worst NBA-themed jacket ever?

2009-10-26T07:51:00.003-05:00

I'll let you be the judge. (But here's a hint: Yes. Or, at least, I hope it's the worst. Heaven help us if it isn't.) Also, is that The Big O Face or The Big Constipation Face? Or...is it both?!

Hat Tip: From Andy Gray's excellent SI Vault Photo twitter account, via Dan B., who said: " can't get over this picture. It made me actually laugh out loud at work. I mean, they didn't even have jackets this ugly in the early 90s when MC Hammer still had gainful employment."

Magic and Isiah: When man love dies

2009-10-23T07:59:00.004-05:00

The original man love pic. I guess now we know why Isiah avoided the lips...
As you may or may not know, Larry Bird and Magic Johnson have "co-written" a book together. (That is, they probably did a lot of talking while author Jackie MacMullen did the actual writing.) It's called When The Game Was Ours, and it comes out on November 4th. However, it's already making headlines...by making Isiah Thomas want to kick Magic's ass. The two main points of contention are:

1. Isiah spread rumors that Magic was gay or bisexual...or so Magic believes: Remember back in 1991 when Magic tested positive for HIV and had to retire? Magic's agent Lon Rosen claims Isiah told him: "I keep hearing Magic is gay." When Rosen reminded Isiah that the two men were friends and that Isiah knew him better than anyone, Isiah allegedly replied, "I know, but I don't know what he's doing when he's out there in L.A." In the book, Magic responds to this story by saying, "Isiah kept questioning people about it. I couldn't believe that. The one guy I thought I could count on had all these doubts. It was like he kicked me in the stomach.''

2. Magic (along with Michael Jordan) co-blocked Isiah from making the 1992 Olympic Dream Team: Said Magic: "Isiah killed his own chances when it came to the Olympics. Nobody on that team wanted to play with him. ... Michael didn't want to play with him. Scottie [Pippen] wanted no part of him. Bird wasn't pushing for him. Karl Malone didn't want him. Who was saying, 'We need this guy?' Nobody.''

You can kind of see how this happened, right? Magic hears that Isiah might kinda-sorta wonder whether he's gay in 1991, because science at that time had proven that only homosexuals and junkies got AIDS. When he hears what Isiah might have kinda-sorta said, Magic gets pissed but doesn't say anything, because it's uncomfortable to address rumors that your best friend thinks you might want to put his penis in your mouth. When 1992 rolls around and it's time for him to stand behind Isiah's inclusion on the Dream Team, Magic exacts his revenge by helping to keep one of the best point guards of all time off the greatest team of all time. And now, after all these years, Magic decides "clears the air" in a book about his rivalry with Larry Bird. Without telling Isiah in advance.

Sounds pretty fifth grade, right?

There's only one problem with Magic's claims and assumptions. Isiah denies questioning Magic's sexuality, mostly because his own brother, Gregory Thomas, had HIV. Said Thomas: "What most people don't know is, before Magic had HIV, my brother had HIV. My brother died of HIV, AIDS, drug abuse. So I knew way more about the disease, because I was living with it in my house.''

Whoops.

You know what this reminds me of? More fifth grade stuff. You have two best friends (Magic and Isiah) and one bitter enemy to both of them (Bird). Only, by some strange twist of fate, one of the bosom buddies (Magic) becomes friends with the enemy (Bird). Suddenly, the other bosom buddy (Isiah) is on the outside looking in...and wondering what in the hell happened. But of course boys don't talk about their feelings, so the two former friends just drift apart. By 8th grade (or in this case almost two decades later), one former friend (Isiah) finally hears through the grapevine (or in this case a book prepared for mass distribution) that his old buddy thinks all kinds of bad things about him based on stuff that may not even be true.

Ah, children.

Here are some of Isiah's responses to all this. Regarding the Dream Team cock-block:

"I'm glad that he's finally had the nerve and the courage to stand up and say it was him, as opposed to letting Michael Jordan take the blame for it all these years. I wish he would have had the courage to say this stuff to me face to face, as opposed to writing it in some damn book to sell and he can make money off it.''

Regarding the "I said Magic's gay" rumors:

"Magic acted and responded off some really bad information that he got. Whatever friendship we had, I thought it was bulls--- that he believed that. Let me put it to you this way: If he and I were such close friends, if I was questioning his sexuality, then I was questioning mine too. That's how idiotic it is.

"They weren't going to let Magic play in the All-Star Game; all the players were coming out [against him]. You know how that all got turned around? I had a meeting with all of the players -- because I was president of the players' association -- and I told them not only was he going to play, but we were going to shake his hand and give him a hug. And I was the first to shake his hand and hug him and give him a kiss, to let people know that's not how the virus is spread. And you can go back and check at the players' association. Call Charlie Grantham [the former union executive director and COO] and ask him how Magic got to play in the All-Star Game. Ask him who called the meeting.

"I don't discriminate. I don't believe any race or ethnic group or social group should be discriminated against, because I have been discriminated against, and I know it would be wrong for me to discriminate. I think Magic has been misled on a lot of things, and unfortunately this has been another one of them. I am hurt and disappointed that he has chosen to believe others as opposed to his closest friends. And I think you can go back and look in that era and see who his closest friends were, and who his closest friends are now. At that time, I don't consider Lon Rosen to be one of his closest friends; he was one of his business advisers making money off him."

Believe it or not, I feel a little bad for Isiah. The dude has been having a pretty rough decade or so. Misfortune and tragedy -- much of it self-imposed -- have dogged him at every turn. If you think about it, this all started in 1987 when he said that if Larry Bird was black he's be just another good player. Then, after a couple championships, he walked off the court without congratulating the Bulls after the 1991 Eastern Conference Finals. Then he bombed as Toronto's GM. Then there was the CBA debacle. Then Larry Bird fires him as coach of the Indiana Pacers. Years later, he gets fired again after almost destroying the New York Knicks. Then he allegedly tries to commit suicide and says it was actually his daughter who did it. Now this.

Bad times all around.

It's hard to blame 1991 Magic Johnson for being upset. After all, back then being diagnosed with HIV was like a death sentence. And, frankly, it was easy to believe that Isiah would say something stupid like "I don't know what he's doing when he's out there in L.A." in light of his previous comments about Bird. And yeah, maybe he was too emotionally wrung out to deal with it by the time the original Dream Team was being put together. I get all that. What I don't get is why it's taken Magic -- who's healthy and has seemingly long since come to terms with his HIV-positive status -- so long to speak up. And, really, he should have told Isiah directly before putting it into a book that's not even about Isiah.

But if The Magic Hour taught us anything, it's that Magic doesn't always make the best decisions. Oh well. I guess it's better to have man-loved and lost...than to have never man-loved at all.

Update! I had to add this comment from BleedingHeartPessimist: "I can just picture Larry Bird, sitting in his Birdcave, looking at a giant flow chart entitled "Plan to Destroy Isiah and Magic", crossing off another box, and chuckling to himself."

Update again! More high comedy from Hilary:

Michael Jordan probably saw it as Magic letting him take credit, not the fall.

Top Secret Meeting of Dream Team Players

Magic: He's not my BFF anymore. That is so 1990.

Larry: I never liked him either.

Karl Malone: Speaking of manlove, if he gets on, my basketball other half is probably going to be left off. Down with Isiah!

Charles Barkley and Scottie Pippen: We vote however Michael says, and everyone knows how he froze Michael out during that All-Star game.

Jordan: I want him off the team, too, but on one condition.

All: What?

Jordan: He thinks I'm the one behind everything. He gets to sit at home all summer and think about how if he would have acknowledged my greatness, he could have been on the greatest team ever. The biggest mistake anyone can ever make is not acknowledging my greatness, you know. And I never forget, and I will dedicate the rest of my life to humiliating anyone foolish enough to motivate me by -- anyone got a pen? This is good stuff, and I want to save it for my hall of fame induction speech.

Malone: Make sure John gets to be the other point guard, and he'll make up something about wanting to be brought into the hall of fame by another small dominant guard so Isiah can be there in person when you make the hall of fame speech!

Jordan: Deal!

Hot babes wanted for Derrick Rose's birthday party

2009-10-22T08:20:00.005-05:00

The Chicago Bulls were on their way to England a couple weeks ago when Derrick Rose celebrated his 21st birthday. As you can see, great fun was had by all. Well, as much fun as you can have eating cake on a plane that's rocketing over the Atlantic ocean.

But wait, there's more. Or, at least, there's going to be more. Apparently, ClubNet360 is throwing D-Rose an "official" birthday party this Saturday. Here's the suitably dramatic promo graphic:

Apparently, Derrick's birthday party will be extra flame-y.
The venue hasn't been announced yet, but the event page promises it'll be one of the "HOTTEST BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS" of the year. How can they promise it'll be so darn hot? By importing hot babes of course! To that end, ClubNet360 put an add on craigslist looking for models who would like to work the gig.

Let's see...I'm over 21 years old and enjoy going to clubs. I'm able to attend and host weekly events and socialize / network with new people. I'm energetic, outgoing, presentable. I have an electronic presence and transportation. I'm so in!

Or maybe not. The ad doesn't say "women only," but I'm guessing I have too much sausage for ClubNet360's (not to mention D-Rose's) tastes. But I RSVP'd for the party anyway...and my RSVP has already been confirmed! Here are the details:

This Event Is Already Abuzz In The City!!! Celebrities Are CONFIRMED! The NBA's Rookie Of The YEAR & Reigning NBA Skills Champion Will Have An ALL-Star Birthday Celebration. The Entire Chicago Bulls Team Will Attend This Ultra Plush Event...as Well As Some Of Chicago's Most Famous Celebrities. This $30 Million 2 Level Venue Provides An Atmosphere Like No Other...Built Around Elegance...There's No Finer Venue In Chicago. This Is An Event That You Don’t Want To Miss...A Portion Of The Proceeds From This Event Will Benefit Charities.

YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS THE $2 MILLION BACK DROP

Guest List Includes: Vince Vaughn, Judge Greg Mathis, Jeremy Piven, Luol Deng, Kirk Hinrich, Joakim Noah, Tyrus Thomas, Derrick Byars, Aaron Gray, Brad Miller, Chris Richard, James Johnson, Jannero Pargo, Jerome James, Taj Gibson
Lindsey Hunter

I simply cannot wait to meet Aaron Gray, Chris Richard and Derrick Byars. Time to get my tux pressed! Seriously, though, since when are Vince Vaughn and Judge Greg Mathis "Chicago's most famous celebrities"? That's kinda sad if you think about it. Couldn't ClubNet360 at least have gotten Adam Baldwin or that guy who played Ross in Friends?

The weirdest thing about this is that Derrick Rose is so shy and unassuming, I can't imagine him even going to a party like this much less being the guest of honor. I guess it's like they say: you always have to watch out for the quiet ones.

And now a moment of silence...

2009-10-21T15:08:00.005-05:00

...for Mario West -- a.k.a. Super Mario, a.k.a. Mario "The Mario" West, a.k.a. THE Mario West -- who was unceremoniously cut by the Atlanta Hawks today.

Mario West may never be scored on by LeBron James again.Think about that. Did you get cold chills? Me too...me too.
Mario did more than inspire a new word of the day that revolutionized the way we report lacktion. This kid stuck around the NBA -- alongside the best basketball players in the world -- on sheer determination and effort.

If I worked as hard at my job as Mario did at his, I'd probably be typing this post from my secret Moon Base while Kate Beckinsale frolicked in my space pool and my pet dogs feasted on the bones of my enemies. Huh. I wonder if Mario would be interested in an internship opportunity now that he's unemployed...

Hat Tip: To everyone who e-mailed or commented to me about this sad news.

BK Player of the Week: Wynne Arboleda

2009-10-21T14:41:00.004-05:00

So your team captain has been banned for the rest of the season because he attacked a fan during one of your country's most prestigious basketball tournaments. And this incident also happened to take place during your league's 35th anniversary celebrations. What do you do?

If you're the Burger King Whoppers, you make him your BK Player of the Week! No, really. Check out their Web site...or this screen grab. Take special notice of Arboleda's stats (or lack thereof). Congratulations, Wynne!

I'd been wondering what was up with Arboleda's 'tude, but then I looked at his team bio. Check this out: "Played three seasons from the defunct Metropolitan Basketball Association (MBA) under Laguna Lakers (1998-2000)...." That's the problem! He's a former Laker! That explains it.

Thanks to Basketbawful reader Sam for the head's up and the screenshot.

Wynne Arboleda: The Filipino Ron Artest

2009-10-21T08:05:00.005-05:00

Here's further proof, in case you needed it, that American basketball players in general and Ron Artest in particular don't have exclusive rights to The Crazy®: Wynne Arboleda of the Philippine Basketball Association recently made sports headlines you probably haven't read by attacking a courtside fan. Apparently, the fan -- Alain Katigbak -- "shouted profane words" at Arboleda after he committed his second flagrant foul during the PBA 2009-10 Philippine Cup. The second flagrant was turrible, but you can see a replay of the first flagrant foul at the 1:10 mark. It's definitely dirty enough to earn Arboleda a few profane words...and maybe even a short prison sentence. You know, unless the Philippines are a desolate, Mad Max-style wasteland. Although if that is the case: sweet!

Awesome, right? Even more awesome is the name of Arboleda's team: the Burger King Whoppers, formerly known as the Burger King Titans, the Air21 Express, and the FedEx Express. But awesomest of all is the fact that Arboleda was the team captain of the Whoppers and the son-in-law of the team owner. Not exactly the behavior you expect from a team leader, or anyone not infected with rabies for that matter. I'm sure Alain Katigbak didn't expect it. As hottie sideline reporter Patricia Hizon said, "no one ever really thinks that could happen to them." (Memo to the NBA: it's time to start importing sideline reporters from the Philippines. I understand that "all the ballaz around the world" love Cheryl Miller and everything, but I'd replace her with Hizon faster than Zach Randolph would skip an optional practice session.)

As a postscript to the incident, PBA Comissioner Sonny Barrios took a page out of David Stern's notebook and suspended Arboleda for the rest of the 2009-10 season without pay. It's the heaviest sanction in PBA history. Sound familiar, Pacers fans? Despite this harsh punishment, the PBA can't be too upset about Arboleda's freakout, considering the fact that it's been great for business: "Figures made available showed a 55.78 percent increase in sales during the Oct. 11 opener, which also hit a remarkable 108.45 percent increase in attendance compared to the same period of last year's Philippine Cup." Let's fight? Them's fightin' words!

Meanwhile, Arboleda issued a rather remorseless non-apology: "I take full responsibility and express regret over the unfortunate incident. My action was provoked by the incessant name-calling and cursing uttered by the said fan particularly to me each time I was within hearing distance. Even as I apologize to Alain Katigbak and his family, as well as the PBA fans, at the same time, I raise an appeal on behalf of other players to the PBA to recognize that provocations and invectives directed towards specific players unnecessarily test our limitations."

Translation: "I might have dispensed the contents of that can of Whup Ass, but the fan opened it."

Getting back to the Burger King Whoppers thing, I'm lovin' it. (Sorry for lifting your dandy slogan, McDonald's.) And the PBA is chock full of fun team names, like the Purefoods Tender Juicy Giants, the Rain or Shine Elasto Painters, and the Talk 'N Text Tropang Texters. Now those are some teams I could get behind.

I can only hope this imperialist expansion of American products into Filipino basketball naming conventions continues. Maybe someday residents of the Philippines will be able to watch thrilling matchups like the Vagisil All-Natural Douchebags versus the Tampax Panty Liners, or the Oscar Meyer All-Beef Foot Longs versus the Little Ceasar's Hot 'N Readys. It'll be like The Age of Aquarius: Part II.

Bonus Fun Fact: According to his Wikipedia page, Arboleda is known as "The Snatcher" because of his ability to snatch balls. And I don't mean in a Reggie Evans kind of way.

More Bonus Fun: Here's a list of violent spectator incidents in sports. My personal favorite is the women's suffrage activist who was trampled to death by a horse. Who knew horses were so violently opposed to equal rights for women? I guess you could say they really put the "rage" in "suffrage." Sorry. I had to do it.

Hat tip: Thanks to Basketbawful reader Grizzly for the head's up.