Basketbawful

Worst of the Night: May 24, 2012

2012-05-25T10:34:00.003-05:00

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Coach Vogel, you're under arrest!

This is Brian. He enjoys long walks on the beach and treating women with respect.

George Hill tries to escape the stench of the Pacers Game 6 performance.

You botherin' me about a steak!

A face that even a mother would struggle to love.

Indiana Pacers: It was a great 12 minutes while it lasted. And by lasted, I mean the Pacers having a 28-21 advantage at the end of the first quarter, the crowd going buck wild, and Larry Bird chuckling to himself, "these guys aren't soft at all"

And then the rest of the game happened.

Miami kicked it up a notch and overcame an 11 point deficit on their way to outscoring the Pacers every single quarter the rest of the way.

Wade had a whopping 41 points as ~~Robin~~ LeBron wasn't too far behind with 28 points himself.

As for Indy, it's not even like they shot poorly (48% from the floor), they still managed to outrebound the Heat, got more free throws, and everything else the home team should.....they just let the two players you should contain the most go off for crazy numbers, and 22 turnovers didn't exactly help their movement either.

"Chris Bosh is an awesome basketball player, but when he goes down, that just means more touches for LeBron and Wade," Coach Vogel said. "That's not exactly an advantage. More like addition by subtraction. Can't wait for them to trade Bosh this summer. FML"

David West hates children

So now, the Heat await the winner of the Philly/Boston series. I'm hoping Boston wins just so the Heat actually get somewhat of a challenge in the ECF.

By the way, ABC's promo poster for the Heat looks great:

As for the Indy fans.....oh boy.

Good to see that Harry and Lloyd decided to make an appearance!

Weekend's Upcoming Games:

SATURDAY:

Boston vs. 1776'ers, 8:00 PM ET: A betting man would put money on the Celtics to close this one out at home. What say you KG?

Can you imagine being roommates with this guy on the road? Yikes

SUNDAY:

Spurs vs Thunder, 8:30 PM ET: Literally counting down the hours till tipoff. But I'm probably just more excited to see if this Laker fan in the pic below will make a comeback:

And be prepared to see a plethora of Tim Duncan faces!

Hope you all have a great weekend.

Chris's Lacktation Report:

Heat-Pacers: Ronny Turiaf toiled despite a board in 10:29, bricking once and fouling twice for a 2:1 Voskuhl. Juwan Howard invested 211 seconds of lack to earn a celebratory 3.5 trillion paycheck.

Worst of the Night: May 22, 2012

2012-05-23T09:53:00.003-05:00

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Are you not entertained?

Maybe if Jones spent less time rubbing his eye and more time running plays, the Pacers wouldn't be down 37 points.

LeBron catches up on some pre-game reading

The Indiana Pacers: Well the honeymoon was great while it lasted. Felt like it was only a couple days ago the Pacers took a 2-1 series lead, shocked everyone, and Miami was labeled D.O.A

Unfortunately for Indiana, it was a best of 7 series, not a best of 3. In a game that had huge playoff implications, a Game 5 win for Indy with the next one at home would have put them in the driver's seat for an ECF berth. Instead, they got into the driver's seat and drove off a cliff.

The Heat led by as many as 37 points handing Indiana their worst playoff loss in franchise history.

They also had flagrant fouls galore in this game:

Who needs to battle to the ECF when you can get the WWF right here.

Indiana shot a measly 33% as their starting 5 went 16-48 from the floor.

And considering that Indy's starting 5 usually puts up these kinds of numbers:

The Pacers have outscored opponents by 75 points with its starting lineup (Paul George, Danny Granger, Roy Hibbert, George Hill and David West) on the court together this postseason, the best plus-minus for any five-player combination in the playoffs. When any other combination of Pacers has been on the court, Indiana has been outscored by 48. In the Eastern Conference Semifinals, the starters are +47 and all other lineups are -74.

Ouch is right.

"We learned early in this series, you don't get two wins for a blowout," Pacers coach Frank Vogel said. "Thankfully, you don't get two losses for a blowout either, otherwise we'd be f*cked"

"I can't believe my team went soft. S-O-F-T," Larry Bird told the Indianapolis Star. "I'm disappointed. I never thought it would happen."

His assistant then whispered into Bird's ear that he's running the 2012 Indiana Pacers, not the '86 Celtics.

Game 6 is tomorrow night, and I'm sure the shadow of LeBron will loom over Granny Danger:

At least when LeBron isn't ignoring his coaches:

From Around the League:

So the Lakers were officially eliminated, and no tears were shed....outside southern California anyway:

Andrew Bynum demonstrates what he'll be doing all summer on the beach

The face of a man who will be joining the bread line in no time

You mad?

OKC/Spurs:

So this is pretty much 2012's NBA Finals matchup. Not that an Eastern team can't take it this year, but it's probably the best matchup you're going to see in this year's playoffs.

I'm thinking Spurs in 6, but this series will probably go the distance.

Who wouldn't want to see the following teams face off against each other:

VS.

Any predictions fellas?

It never rains in Southern California...it pours.

2012-05-22T02:25:00.004-05:00

"Why do I have to have teammates!?!?"

Aloofness doesn't make one more clutch? Who knew.

Steve Blake, seen here getting T'd up for excessive sadness.

Can the Duncan Face last four straight rounds!?

The look Chris Paul has upon realizing, yes, his team owner is the one and only Donald Sterling.

So yeah, the Clippers AND Lakers are finished, with only one 2nd round game win (from the Lakeshow) between the two squads. Who knew coming into this spring that...the ONLY sport being played past mid-May in downtown Los Angeles would be...Los Angeles Kings ice hockey?!

To quote Bawful himself from a text message at 11:41 PM in his time zone: "Bye, Kobe."

The speculation over Pau Gasol's future - hey, wasn't that a linchpin of the initial CP3 trade talks - begins anew. The final day of Laker basketball in Year One of the Mike Brown Era involved the newly christened "Indiana Ron" encountering the Temple of the Reputation Call, one even getting Mamba T'd up...and one Russell Westbrook fluke that will be remembered by Zombie Sonics fans for decades to come.

The Clippers? After blowing a 24-point lead in Game 3, they got edged out (again at home) in the series-closer...so, with the recently pinkslipped Stan Van Gundy available, who knows how long the Notorious VDN will be cruising down the hallways of Staples Center.

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

Face, meet palm.

Sure, turnovers being handed out by Philly faster than a Pepperidge Farm outlet, that was the big story of Boston's comeback...that and the surprising emergence of Brandon Bass, what with 27 points to lead the C's to the series lead.

But the Sixers still had the scoreboard advantage, 57-53, midway through the 3rd. That's when The Truth laid out a clear path armbar foul on a breaking Andre Iguodala.

Two freebies at the charity stripe, right?

Wrong.

Two bricks later, the momentum turned in favor of the Celtics for good. Was that really the pivotal moment in Game 5?

Why don't we ask Iguodala himself, after his eight point, 3-of-10 from the floor performance -

“It seemed to be the turning point for us,” Iguodala said of missing the two clear-path foul shots. “That’s the way the game goes sometimes. "

Woops.

LACKTION REPORT
Lakers-Thunder: Josh McRoberts jacked up a final brick this season in 98 seconds for a +1, while Andrew Goudelock, Darius Morris (despite an assist) and Troy Murphy had 58 seconds of Smash Brothers action as MARIO TRIPLETS!
For Oklahoma City, Daequan Cook heated up one piece of nougat-covered masonry in 315 seconds for a celebratory +1, while Lazar Hayward went all in against Jerry Buss with pocket aces and came away 1.6 trilion (97 seconds) richer.

So, hey, who knew the Boshtrich was so important.

2012-05-18T09:11:00.000-05:00

Does this really need a caption, guys?

LOOK MA, NO EYES! Wait, why am I clanging the rim!?

So, after two quarters in Indianapolis for Game 3, the series (1-1) and game (43-43) were tied.

Not for long though, thanks to a 17-3 run to start the 3rd...and Dwyane Wade having little to celebrate after a rather lacktive-sounding 2 of 13 from the field, finishing with not one, not two, not three, but FIVE whole points.

Sweet facepalm. bro.

Sure, D-Wade reflected on his paltry performance, but why don't we quote ESPN's Michael Wallace:

Wade missed his first five shots and was held scoreless in the first half for the first time in 95 career playoff games. His first basket came on a jumper with 10:22 left in the third quarter.

Hired talking head, er, "coach" Erik Spoelstra even got to experience a little bit of Wade's wrath, in a third quarter argument:

Not only did Wade's frustrations take the Heat out of their offense, as he attempted to fire his way back into his typical box-score prominence, but his failure to get back on defense and (at times) go over the top on Indiana's screens drew Spoelstra's ire.

Not that their third-quarter "conversation" was troubling the Heat coach.

The Association: where South Beach sadness happens!

Nick Anderson flashbacks, baby!

2012-05-11T11:05:00.000-05:00

For those keeping score at home, THIS is the guy who had the Bulls' season on the line. (Photo courtesy Dan B. from the 11/24/2010 edition of Bawful After Dark)

So the Orlando Magic, they of the missed playoff free throw variety, have been done for a few days.

Never fear, for our fill of free throw fail was provided by...

lacktion artist Omer Asik...

and...

nearly-hero Al Horford of the Hawks, whose momentary lapse of concentration (seen at 2:44 of the above clip) bailed Marquis Daniels and the Celtics out! Woops.

The Association: where charity stripe hijinks deciding not one, but TWO playoff series happens!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Worst of the Night Playoff Edition: May 7, 2012

2012-05-08T09:11:00.003-05:00

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"Hey Utah, GTFO"

Duncan puts on his Aliens/Drive for Five face

A personal trainer attempts to absorb Chris Paul's basketball powers....flopping included.

Corbin realizes that his summer plans involve spending more time with his mother in law

Mo Williams busts out his best Olivia Newton John imitation

Utah Jazz: And just like that, the series was over before it ever felt like it began. Utah fell to the Spurs 81-87, in a series where they never held on to a lead for more than 2 minutes through all four games.

The Jazz had their backs to the wall after getting humiliated yet again in Game 3. This was after the Salt Lake Tribune blasted Utah for being a no show in the series.

So what do the Jazz do in a do or die Game 4? Well let's just say when the going gets tough, the Jazz get going.....all the way home fishing.

Shooting a measly 36% from the floor, 65% from the free throw line (at home where everyone was so polite and quiet for them) and oh yeah, 0-13 on 3 pointers (compared to San Antonio's 10-22 from long range) and you've got yourself the recipe for a textbook sweep. Oh, and that 0-13 performance was Utah's worst post season or regular since going 0-15 against the Rockets back in 2008.

While we're on the topic of long range, allow me to highlight the fact that San Antonio hit 33 three pointers whereas Utah hit 9 through all 4 games. For those counting at home, that's a 99-27 point total advantage.

"We've shown when things are bad, we are going to continue to fight," Corbin said. "Any time you have a game against us, you are going to know you have been in a fight."

I'm sure when you play the Jazz you know you're going to be in a fight...just not with Utah as they all but rolled over and died in this series. A solid attempt at a comeback in last night's game still doesn't diminish the fact that the Jazz got absolutely pummeled.

"It was a good experience, going out there playing against the Spurs," said Favors, who was acquired along with Harris in the blockbuster trade that sent Williams to New Jersey last year. "It was a challenge. I thought I stepped up to the plate. The rest of my teammates were awful. Especially that goofy kid from the cast of Big Love....Gordy something"

That's eight straight playoff series losses for Utah. Thanks for the memories fellas!

Memphis Carebears: As if blowing a 27 point lead in Game 1 wasn't bad enough, the Grizzlies thought to give us an encore performance by completely falling apart in Game 3 to give the Clippers a 2-1 series lead.

In Game 4, the Grizz were down 10 late in regulation and then the Clippers though it would be fun to do a Memphis imitation and be exactly who we thought they were.

Leading 84-74 with 4 minutes left, the Clippers clanked, turnovered (that's a word, right?), and fouled their way into helping the Grizz go on a 13-3 run to close the game and force OT.

Paul couldn't even get off a shot at the end of regulation to go for the win.

"The worst mistake I probably made in the game was not getting the shot at the end of regulation," he added. "If I was at home watching it on TV, I'd be talking so bad about me, but instead I'll let 'Bawful do it for me. You've got to get through it. The [best] thing about it is that I have teammates that have confidence in me. Everything that we do is a team win, even if I feel like I'm alone on island with this bozo of a coach."

To make matters worse, despite a 30 point effort from Blake Griffin, Blake found himself on the bench for most of overtime with his 6th foul.

Chris Paul took over in OT, getting back to back buckets to push the Clipper lead to 6 points and essentially end the game.

"Chris is always intense," Clippers coach Vinny Del Negro said. "That's what makes him special. Chris is so good, not only at making plays for himself, but making the right play, which is great since I can't draw one up to save my life. That's what makes him a star."

That's right Vinny Del Negro is on the verge of a second round appearance.

What a wacky season indeed.

Troll Reporter:

Crazy woman looking for Kenyon Martin....in Denver:

Can we give this woman the worst stalker of all time award? She's completely drunk/incoherent, and wanders onto the court screaming "Where's Kenyon?!?" despite the fact that Martin hasn't been in a Nuggets uniform in over a year now:

Tonight's Closeout Games:

Magic vs Pacers: Hopefully the Magic will show us mercy and end this series for themselves as soon as possible. Enjoy SVG's last game as a Magic head coach while you can.

Celtics vs Hawks: What's the over/under on Joe Johnson half-assing his way into a 12 point 3 assist game tonight? Brace yourselves for a night of listless performances from all over the league.

1776ers vs Bulls: Man, what a bummer these playoffs have been for Chicago. Of all the series remaining this one still might have some fight left in it.

The only thing that makes me giddy as a Spurs fan is that every time an 8th seed beats a 1st seed in the playoffs, a Texas team has gone on to win the title.

Just sayin'.

Lakers vs Nuggets: Oh Denver, so close to making it 2-2 and keeping it interesting. At least Gallinari's flop is one he can tell his kids about.

Chris's Lacktation Report:

Spurs-Jazz: James Anderson and Patrick Mills had 12 seconds of partying in the Princess's lair as celebratory Mario Twins!

In that same timespan, Blake Ahearn played Taps on Mario Pant. And in 7:03, Enes Kanter pilfered perfection from the field (on one attempt) with two fouls and a turnover for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Clippers: Gilbert Arenas fouled once in 299 seconds for a +1.

Worst of the Night Playoff Edition: May 3, 2012

2012-05-04T09:44:00.004-05:00

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Tyson Chandler points right to where the Heat kicked him

13 straight playoff losses will do that to you

No Erik, no one wants to take a whiff

Watch out ladies, they're still single....some things never change

Jeremy Lin takes in an intense episode of Naruto

Uh Oh, Amare only gets that look when an unsuspecting fire extinguisher is nearby

New York Bricks: Heading into this series, some thought there actually would be a chance at an upset, the Knicks would sneak up on the Heat and possibly take the series in 6.

Granted, all the people who felt that way lived in the Manhattan area, the Knicks got crushed in this series one game after another. An Iman Shumpert injury coupled with Amare doing his best "Dirk vs Exercise Bike" imitation and....well you get the idea.

Speaking of Amare, here's actual footage of what went down the other day:

I just hope Amare has learned his lesson. Fortunately for him, the Knicks have now placed the following instructions on all fire extinguishers within a 1000 mile radius:

As for Game 3, the Knicks were in good shape through halftime, hanging onto a 4 point lead despite no Amare or Shumpert. LeCrab even found himself in foul trouble (for like the first time ever) as he was mostly MIA in the third quarter (as oppose to the fourth, which is the norm).

But then Monsieur Wade happened, the Heat regained the lead and never looked back.

Wade played the entire third quarter and went off for 12 points.

That wasn't the scary part. A well rested Lebron came back for the fourth period and ripped the Knicks a new one with 17 points in the period alone as the lead ballooned to as much as 20.

"He was in foul trouble," Bosh said. "He was struggling a little bit and he had pretty much the whole third quarter to think about what was going on. It wasn't as much time for him to think as this past summer, but I think that was good for him. I think it really built a desire in him a little bit and then he made sure we got off to a great start in the fourth quarter which was very important for us."

As for Bosh, he was a question mark for this game due to the birth of his son, but ended up starting anyway.

While the Heat got stellar performances from their big two, the Knicks got another night at the office from their remaining big two. Melo Yellow and ~~Captain Worst Shot Selection in the NBA~~ JR Smith combined for a whopping 12-41 from the field. Looks like they joined forces to pay tribute to John Starks.

"When you can't score the basketball, that makes the game extremely hard, no matter how much defense we go down there and play," Anthony said.

And I agree, but then again I'm not getting paid millions of dollars to do it, unlike some people.

The Bricks have now set an all time NBA record with 13 straight playoff losses (their last win coming against the Craptors). I'd like to let you know that no one in NBA history has come back from an 0-3 deficit.

Look for the Heat to keep it close during Game 4, and then come out of nowhere to break the game open in the fourth. Kinda like Bosh in the gifs below:

_allas Mavericks: In honor of the Heat, it looks like the Mavs are trying to do their best Miami 2007 impression. Which is unfortunate, since Dallas had a pretty brutal showing in the 2007 playoffs anyway.

Speaking of impressions, Durant decided to give a Dirk 2011 performance, as he went 11-15 from the field, and the Thunder just annihilated the Mavs in what Jason Terry referred to as a game which was to be treated like a Game 7.

Yikes.

Dallas got outscored every single quarter in a crucial game, as Dirk sputtered with a 6-15 shooting night. The rest of his supporting cast wasn't so great either:

Shawn Marion: 1-8

Jason Kidd: 4-12

Jason "Turtlehead" Terry: 3-10

Vince Quitter: 2-8

That ladies and gentlemen, is how you manage to shoot 34% from the field as a team, get down by as many as 26 points (encouraging some fans to leave at the start of the fourth quarter) and never have a single lead.

Looking at those shooting performances, it's a miracle they were only down by as many as 26.

Never underestimate the heart of a champion. Especially if that champion has their hearts ripped out in the past offseason by letting current DPOY Chandler walk, and putting all their hopes on one whiny bitch of a point guard in Deron Williams.

Keep up the good work Cubes!

Have I mentioned that no one has come back from an 0-3 deficit? The last time a team was at least able to force a Game 7 in that scenario were the Portland Trailblazers. Their opponent? The Dallas Mavericks.

When looking at the AP quotes from both the Knicks/Mavs, I found these gems:

Tyson Chandler said. "Obviously no one wants to be in a hole 0-3, you know in the playoffs especially against a tough team like (Miami), but that's the way it is and we've got to keep fighting."

"Our mistakes we weren't able to overcome. Their high-level play, we weren't able to overcome either," Carlisle said. "It's really tough to go down 0-3. We're going to keep fighting."

So that settles it folks. Anytime I'm about to get crushed in a game of anything, whether it's chess, battleship, or tennis, I'm going to look my opponent straight in the eye and say "I'm going to keep fighting"

And then proceed to weep the rest of my summer away.

Speaking of weeping the summer away, we have to honor the woeful Bobscraps, who magnificently finished the season with the lowest ~~winning~~ percentage in NBA history.

To commemorate the event I thought we should take a look at our Paul Silas yearbook (who resigned as head coach and is now listening to Dashboard Confessional albums with Lamar Odom):

Weekend's Upcoming Games:

FRIDAY:

Hawks vs Celtics: Oh boy, after the hilarious come from behind victory the Celtics had despite no Allen or Rondo, you know this one ought to be a doozy. The Hawks are going to be without Josh Smith and Al Hortford. Let's just pencil this one as 2-1 Celtics.

Bulls vs 1776ers: Still reeling from the Derrick Rose fiasco, we now have a series on our hands. I still think the Bulls can take this series, but do they?

Lakers vs Nuggets: You know, it's funny how the games where Kobe takes less than 15 shots, the Lakers usually win in commanding fashion. Even the games where he shoots 75% from the floor (once a year) and takes 25+ shots, the Lakers kinda just "hang on" for the win. I think Denver takes Game 3, and JaVale Magoo goes from a team that was on pace to be one of the worst of all time to getting his first (and maybe last?) playoff win of the year.

SATURDAY:

Pacers vs Magic: I can promise you that you can find much better things to do on a Saturday night then watch this game. Even bouncing a ball within the walls of your bedroom would lead to more excitement.

But at least we'll get to watch Hedo Turkeyglue in action. Hell, even Stan Van Gundy hates him:

Grizzlies vs Clippers: I don't know if anything can beat the uh...excitement of a 27 point come from behind victory.

But really folks, nothing beats the excitement this kid had for Z-Bo.....or maybe he's just as excited as I am that the Grizz were just 6 points from free hamburgers for the entire arena:

Thunder vs Mavs:

Get ready to see a lot of this from Mark Cuban:

Spurs vs Jazz: Well isn't this matchup exciting? Maybe Utah can keep it interesting and only try to lose by less than 15 points.

As for the Spurs, every year we count them out, yet they refuse to go away and die. As a matter of fact, team officials have already released the official 2025 Spurs Playoff Banner:

SUNDAY:

Bulls vs 1776ers: If you're on the West Coast, I can't see you getting up at 10 AM for this game. if you're on the East Coast and were partying hard the night before, keep sleeping.

Heat vs Knicks: 14 straight playoff losses baby!

Hawks vs Celtics: This just about sums it up for the Hawks.

Lakers vs Nuggets: By the time this game is over, I'm hoping we'll have more to add to the JaVale Magoo scrapbook!

Chris's Lacktation Report:

Heat-The Nearly Extinguished Brickerbockers: Norris Cole notched a foul in 222 seconds for a +1.

Thunder-Mavs: Nick Collison canceled out three boards in 13:18 with a brick, a turnover, and three fouls for a 4:3 Voskuhl. Royal Ivey and Lazar Hayward had matching suck differentials of +1 in 201 seconds, Ivey via brick from the Majestic Theatre and Hayward via turnover.

ET 2012 Playoff Round 1: Bawful-meter

2012-05-01T12:42:00.001-05:00

Well, the NBA playoffs are underway, it feels like we've managed an entire post-season full of Bawfulness in just a few days.

A lot of the recent terribleness is directly related to "predictability": as in "If I do this [mildly / somewhat / extremely] stupid thing, what is the likelihood that this [mildly / somewhat / extremely] awful thing will happen as a result?" So let's head to the Bawful-meter (1 to 10, with ten being the most Bawful) and work our way up the chain of idiocy:

A Rose with a torn ACL:

Tom Thibideau: Dream Slayer

"Wanted...to...win...by...14..."

Ok, so everyone in Chicago wants to skewer Tom Thibideau's nutsack on the Willis Tower antenna for keeping oft-injured Derrick Rose in a game that was well in hand, but it's tough to put this one entirely on Thibideau. I'm thinking it's time for D-Rose to eliminate his signature "ACL-shattering-needless-jump-step" from his repertoire of moves, especially at the end of a game you're about to win. Oh and in case you're wondering, yeah, I also make a habit of blaming victims of violent crime.

But in the end, an injury like this could happen at any time, regardless of the situation, and Thibs said he was trying to get D-Rose ready for end-of-game situations. Hard to predict, so mild on the meter:

Bawful-meter: 2

World Pieces:

Ironic that a man who has named himself "World Peace" is trying to decapitate people, but Hannibal Lecter was a Psychiatrist who also ate faces, so there is a precedent. There is literally not scale on which to judge what Ron-Ron did...does he genuinely show joy by flinging elbows? Did he think Harden was coming at him? Or did he just want to see if a man's face would do this?

While this bizarre incident happened before the playoffs, it certainly affected them, with MWP getting a well-deserved 7 game suspension. The Lakers don't mind, given that their first round series is against the Nuggets. Maybe MWP figured the Lakers wouldn't need him, and just wanted a league-imposed break.

Bawful-meter: 5

Side note: Should the Lakers go 7 games with the Nugs on purpose just so that MWP can be available for the entirety of the next series? Crazier things have been on a basketball court. Quite recently, in fact...

Chest Bumpery:

"SUSPEND ME FOR GAME TWO!"

Contact with an official gets you a game, period. Your first instinct when approaching an NBA official should be "These guys are already lousy at what they do AND have short fuses AND want to make every contest about them instead of basketball, so I better be measured with my discontent." Apparently, Rajon Rondo does not possess this ability to reason. Doc Rivers once called Rondo "the smartest player I've ever coached."

At this point, one might question that statement, but read carefully - he's the "smartest player" Doc has ever coached. As soon as the whistle blows, a man in a basketball uniform turns from a player into a person. Sometimes this line is blurred, and sometimes it is clear, but nowhere is the Jeckyll and Hyde on better display these days than with Rajon Rondo. Rarely does frustration manifest itself into bad judgement more distinctly than with Rondo...

Bawful-meter: 7

It's not like they were gonna win anyway, but...:

...but fortunately for Rajon, that very thing happened just last night, when Amare Stoudemire put his fist through the glass encasing of a fire extinguisher after a Game 2 loss to the Heat.

Even Melo was thinking,
"Well that was selfish and stupid."

He had time to walk off the court, walk down the hall, decide to damage some property, and not even have the common sense to wrap a towel around his knuckles first. Now, he has managed to: 1.) Voluntarily relieve himself of the pressure of trying to beat the Heat 2.) Not be there for his teammates, and 3.) Pretend to possess such competitive desire that he felt compelled to punch an inanimate object (which punched back, quite effectively it seems).

Bawful-meter: 9

The only reason this doesn't earn a 10 is because of the label on the fire entinguisher, which Amare may have misunderstood:

All aboard the Mystery Machine

2012-04-27T11:22:00.000-05:00

In honor of Brad Miller's retirement...here's a random assortment of silly Scrappy Doo photos!!!!

Happy retirement, you goofball. :D

Worst of the Weekend: Metta's Elbow Edition

2012-04-23T11:59:00.003-05:00

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FRIDAY:

Just another day at the office for Mark Jackson

Willie Green plays Dodgeball Bodyguard for Marquis Daniels

Hollins signals to the Bobcats what other teams have been doing to them for 19 games straight

Antawn Jamison brings the term "face guarding" to a whole new light

Ladies and Gentlemen, the cover of your Bobcats 2011-12 DVD

Coach Smarts performs a monologue from Hamlet

Charlotte Bobscraps: Well, no team is more appropriate to kick off a Worst of the Weekend post than these guys.

It didn't even sound so bad at first when you read that Charlotte only lost by 5 to a Grizzlies team that will finish no worse than 5th in the Western Conference. But upon a closer look you can see that 22 turnovers (in a game where both teams combined for over 40) and blowing a 13 point lead still makes the loss very Bawful-esque.

Oh, and losing 19 straight games, almost a third of the entire season, that will not only get you mentioned on here, but probably get you your very own museum full of wax figures and other memorabilia.

It was a tight game with the Bobscraps down 3 and 20 seconds to go. With circus music playing in the background, Gerald Henderson finds himself a clear path to the basket only to have the ball bounce of his knee and then his stomach rolling out of bounds.

Despite the loss, Bobcats coach Paul Silas was proud of how hard this team fought.

"This is the experience we need," Silas said. "We really are not an experienced team but any team that we play we have to believe we can be as tough as them and we were tonight. We don't have to play better than them, but just think we're better so that we can go to bed at night with some false sense of dignity."

The NBA: Where 19 Happens

Minneapolis Lakers: Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice.....well shit.

After getting undressed in public by the Spurs earlier in the week, the Lakers went back to San Antonio to seek some payback.

Bynum was so peeved after the last loss to the Spurs he had this to say in the post game interview:

So to back those words up, he comes to San Antonio and lays an egg.

Bynum finished the game with just 2 rebounds, after dominating the Spurs with 30 boards in their first meeting of the season.

As a matter of fact, Manu Ginobili had 3 times as many rebounds as Beanstalk, and he's a shooting guard for God's sake.

The Lakers allowed the Spurs Big 3, you know the guys you always plan for when facing them, to go off for 63 points on 55% shooting.

Heck, the Spurs as a whole shot over 60% from the floor for the second straight game against the Lake Show.

Who needs size when you've got speed? And the opposition not having any idea what a defensive rotation is, well that's surely going to help.

Oh, and Kobe Bryant is back! He only took 12 shots and hit 7 of them. Such restraint Kobe. I applaud you.

"I'm back now," Bryant said. "It took me a half. The second half, it felt like I was back in a good rhythm. The game just got away from us."

Good to see that Kobe is back. Now if he could just do something about the rest of the Lakers.

New York Bricks: Amare Stoudemire came back and the Knicks went kaput.

The Knicks got outscored virtually every quarter except the fourth to a Cavs team that had lost 17 out of their last 22. The Knicks were so bad on this night that they got out-rebounded by the Cavs 32-52.

Hell, the Knicks even let Samardo Samuels (even his own mother doesn't know who he is) shoot 7-12 from the floor as the Cavs built a 20 point lead and never looked back.

"I can't explain it whatsoever," Cavs coach Byron Scott said of Cleveland's dominance over New York. "We came out ready and they were kind of not into it."

And this is coming from a coach who in recent years is no stranger to the lottery.

Baron Davis was initially placed in the starting lineup but then sat out due to a stomach virus.

Looks like the memories of his Cav playing days still make him feel a little queasy.

Purple Paupers: Well, anytime you see a Paupers vs. Thunder matchup, you know it's going to be a long night in Sacramento. I could go on and on about the Paupers getting down by as many as 15, rejected at the rim 11 times, and shooting a measly 60% from the free throw line.

But instead, I want you to watch this video of a game winner Marcus Thornton had a few days ago.

Check out Francisco Garcia's reaction around the 9 second mark:

Look, I get it. The Paupers are tanking and it's not a well kept secret. But seriously guys, try not to make it that obvious.

SATURDAY:

Barbosa also throws these type of tantrums at his local grocery store

Shhhh….don’t talk, just put your head on my shoulder

Why Dwight, Whyyyyyyy!!

Chris Bosh with his best Thor impression.

What do you mean I can't get the call? I'm gonna be in Dumb and Dumber 2 this fall!

Indiana Erasers: Playing a big time struggling team in the 1776'ers, the Pacers had a hiccup at home, falling 106-109 in OT.

Trailing by as many as 14, the Pacers clawed their back to force the overtime, but a 4 point play from Lou Williams set the tone as the 1776'ers held on to win.

The Pacers couldn't even get a shot off in the final 10 seconds of overtime.

A 2-12 shooting performance from Granny Danger didn't make things any easier for Indiana. What a way to waste a 32 point, 12 rebound game from David West.

"I just said, 'You know, guys, we've worked so hard for two years. I would just hate like heck for us to let this season slip away from us,' " Doug Collins said. " 'Let's give ourselves a chance to get into the playoffs. Let's see what we can do. I mean is getting swept in the first round really that bad? Let's do our best.' And our guys responded."

The 1776'ers are 1-10 when allowing their opponents to score 100 points or more. I'll give you $5 if you can tell me who the one win was against.

Miami cHeat: Yeah, they didn't have Lebron or Bosh, but when you're playing the friggin' ~~Wizards~~ Generals, you better believe that anything less than a win is going to get you heckled.

Speaking of heckled, Wade banned his girlfriend from sitting courtside due to being taunted by her during games. Apparently she even screams "airball!" when he flubs a shot. I'm not making this up.

The cHeat barely shot 40% from the floor, had 22 turnovers, and let the Generals lead by as many as 14 points. And did I mention that this game was in Miami?

Anytime you let players like Cartier Martin and Kevin Saraphin go off for 8-15 shooting you know you're in for a long night (of trying to figure out who the hell those guys are).

As for the Generals, they have now won 3 in a row, and 5 out of their last 7. Way to uh....save the season fellas.

*head explodes*

With the loss, the cHeat have all but killed their chances of grabbing the top spot in the East.

"Second place is not a bad place to be," Wade said.

Sounds like an echo from last June.

Dallas Mavericks: Playing the Bulls, the Mavs managed just 8 points in the opening quarter.

Then it just got worse from there.

Dallas shot below 40% from the field, got a below average night from Dirk (6-15 from the floor) and an average night from Carter (4-11 from the floor) and allowed themselves to get down 15 points as a half-hearted comeback in the fourth wasn't enough.

Derrick Rose had a fairly subdued game (by his standards anyway) as he accumulated 11 points and 8 assists as the Bulls kept their hold on the top seed in the NBA.

"I think he played a very controlled type game. He was taking care of the ball, running the offense and just trying to get a feel for being out there again," Chicago coach Tom Thibodeau said. "It was a great impression of TJ Ford if I ever saw one."

While Dallas has already clinched a playoff spot, shooting 25% from 3 point land and 39% shooting overall just reeks of a team waiting to give Miami's 2007 playoff performance a run for its money.

Dallas has lost 3 of 5 and the playoffs start in a week.

SUNDAY:

Mike Brown: Thanks Coach...er....I mean Kobe for helping us with that one

Goran Dragic tries out for the NBA long jump team...and fails

So that's what a 20 game losing streak feels like

"Are my hands too small? Damn, I think they're too small"

"Maybe if I shoot like this, the Cavs game will feel more competitive"

I told Kobe to stay away from those hot peppers

OKC Blunder: Well, things were looking good with the Thunder up 18 in the third and the Lakers looking like yesterdays news.

The Lakers began to pick up the intensity late in the 2nd half, as even players like Metta World Peace were being showered with praises for giving a series of vintage performances in recent weeks. Unfortunately, the vintage performance Metta World Peace gave on this day had more to do with the psycho Ron Artest off the court, than the superb defender on it:

Here's another take on what you just saw:

World Peace tweeted "I just watched the replay again..... Oooo.. My celebration of the dunk really was too much... Didn't even see James ..... Omg... Looks bad,".

Yet he clearly bumps into Harden, and randomly swings his elbow the other way. After laying out Harden he keeps walking on as though nothing happened.

Hmmmm....

After Peace got ejected, the Lakers closed the gap in the fourth quarter, and both overtimes that followed. Kobe Bryant became Kobe Bryant, Andrew Bynum was nowhere to be found, and Scott Brooks became....well Scott Brooks I guess.

Kobe Bryant performed some of his greatest magic tricks to rescue the Lakers:

Kobe hit clutch shot after clutch shot while Durant went clankity clank clank clank.

Did anyone notice how both shots the Thunder tried to get off at the end of each OT was an off balance 3 pointer with a hand in Westbrick/Durant's face? Scott Brooks couldn't design a great play coming out of a timeout if his life depended on it. Hell, he even made Mike Brown look good on this night.

The Thunder ended up choking the game, lost hope for clinching the top spot in the conference and will face a much tougher road to the WCF assuming the top 6 in the West stay the same by season's end.

Charlotte Bobscraps: You know what's worse than losing 19 games in a row? Try losing 20 games in a row. Only a few days after the anniversary of MJ's 63 point playoff game against Boston no less.

The Bobscraps lost to the Purple Paupers. They didn't just lose, they got crushed as the Kings put on a whoopin' with a final score of 114-88.

Charlotte was down by as many as 35 (for the fifth time in the past two weeks) and managed 21 turnovers.

"The biggest thing now is having some pride as men," said Bobcats forward Tyrus Thomas. "Not so much as basketball players. We've got to fight it out every second until the horn blows. Because right now the only thing that blows is us"

Minny T-Pups: As if the way the season has crashed and burned wasn't bad enough, the T-Pups had a 21 point lead against a tanking Warriors team.....and blew it.

Something tells me that Kevin Love auditioning for the new Super Troopers film with his porn stache had something to do with it:

Worst of the Night: April 18, 2012

2012-04-19T11:15:00.001-05:00

This is the picture you see in the dictionary next to the word "tools".

Cleveland Cadavers: Progress, people. Progress. One night after getting blistered by 39 points to the Pissed-Ons, the home team lost by "merely" 16 points. They even had the game tied at 57 before allowing the visitors to go on a 24-2 run that featured four three-pointers from Jrue Holiday.

Milwaukee Bucks: Fighting for their playoff lives, the Bucks laid a monstrous egg, dropping a critical game against the Wizards. Defense, supposedly a strong point of the Deer, was nowhere to be seen, as they allowed the Wizards to shoot over 55% from the game and almost that well from distance. The WIZARDS! Skiles must have been turning over in his grave.

Charlotte Bobraps: They've already wrapped up the league's worst record, so they're not actually tanking, it just looks that way. Extending their losing streak to 18 games in the bawfulest way possible, Charlotte got destroyed by the Bulls on their own home floor, highlighted by this sequence, as detailed from the AP recap:

In the first half Matt Carroll had a breakaway layup but put if off the glass too strong and Byron Mullens, who seemed to be in position for a follow-up dunk, had the ball bounce off his hands and out of bounds for a turnover.

That does sound like the Bobcats we know and love. Getting outrebounded 57-38 also sounds like the Bobcats we know and love.

No caption here. This picture just makes me laugh.

Detroit Pissed-Ons: One day after beating the Cavaliers by 39, the Pissed-Ons faced an opponent of a different caliber, sort of like the difference between a cap pistol and a Desert Eagle.

To nobody's surprise, Detroit got blown out of the gym, trailing by 37 in the first half and 41 in the fourth quarter before finally, mercifully, losing by 32.

Three point shooting: Both teams subscribed to the "If at first you don't succeed, keep on chuckin' from distance" philosphy, as the Pistons and Hawks shot 7-for-25 and 8-for-28, respectively, from the three point line.

Hey guys, sometime practice doesn't make perfect.

In the following example, the Hawks are the Desert Eagle. I think you can figure out who represents the Pistons.

Toronto Craptors: Coming into this game, the Heat have only lost four games at home. Toronto was not going to make it five. They shot 1-for-16 from three, were outrebounded 41-33, had more turnovers than assists, and scored only 23 points in the second half.

However, they saved the bawfulest for last: Eleven seconds after he checked into the game, the Toronto defense let Eddy Curry dunk on them.

Words escape me.

Nyets "fans": For the second straight home game, the Nyets fans serenaded the opposing team's star with chants of "MVP!" This time, it was Carmelo who was the recipient.

With fans like this, it's no wonder that Williams has already said that he's testing free agency this summer. A summer that will start much earlier for him than many others.

Carmelo Anthony, he's not making it up quote:
"It was a great Knicks atmosphere out there tonight,"

Gerald Wallace, on being used to feeling like a visitor on his home floor: "You must have forget I was in Charlotte for seven years. Lord knows I've tried to forget it, but I think it will take years of therapy and electroshock treatments before I can block that out of my mind."

New Jersey Nyets: On top of their fans' bawfulness, the Nyets had to score the last basket of the first quarter in order to avoid being outscored by Anthony.

Yes, I do have a finger that can bend both of these ways at the same time. Why do you ask?

New Orleans Hornets: Leading by one at the half, the Hornets took a collective dump on the court in the third quarter, letting Memphis start with a 20-4 run. It didn't get much better, as the Care Bears outscored the Hornets 17-8 the rest of the quarter.

New Orleans committed 24 turnovers for 27 points going the other way and were outscored in the paint 56-34.

Houston Rockets' defense: Nowitzki dropped 35 points on only 18 shots, but that's ok. He's an MVP. He'll get his. But Vince freakin' Carter? 23 points from half-man, half poopstain? On the same night that Knee-Mac went off (for him) for 17 points? I can understand pulling that 'I felt sorry for him, so I let him drive by me six times' stuff if you were playing against him in the local park, but you're fighting for a playoff spot, Houston!

Invisible chorus line

Devin Harris, lesson learned quote: "We've got three games at home where we play well," Harris said. "We've put ourselves in a nice position but we've still got to go out and play the games."

Remarkable restraint, Devin.

Can't somebody just give DeMarcus a hug? Anyone?

Stephen Jackson, seeing only half the picture quote: "Our best player (Duncan) doesn't play and we still win by 20," said Stephen Jackson, one of four reserves who scored in double figures. "It's our preparation, giving every team we face respect, and going out and playing hard."

It's not just your preparation, Cap'n Jack. It's also because you were playing the Kings. On top of that, you were also playing the Kings.

Excremento Kings: Speaking of the Kings, they held their own for 24 minutes, as they trailed the Spurs by one point going into halftime.

Unfortunately, they were mandated to play 48 minutes, even if they didn't feel like it. Hands stayed away from faces in droves, as the Spurs put up 69 points in the second half on the way to a 25 point victory.

Pau is felled by the Atomic Armpit of Richard Jefferson

Kobe Bryant, model teammate: "It's been good to see how much the guys have progressed in doing things they ordinarily would not try to do," Bryant said. "Now when I'm not out there, you have to do other things. You have to experiment with your game, and they had a great deal of success with that and their confidence is at a high level, which is great. What's even greater is that I get to come back, take 32 shots next game, and crush everyone's confidence like it's a squishy bug. I gotta make up for lost time, right?"

Chris' Wednesday Lacktion Report

Bucks-Generals: Jon Brockman earned one board...in 38 seconds for a non-lacktive Mario.
For Washington, Brian Cook fried up a mushroom stew in 32 seconds for a celebratory Mario of his own.

Sixers-Extremely Sad Cavs: Nikola Vucevic earned three boards in 7:58, but also trio'd up on fouls and turnovers each for a 6:3 Voskuhl.

Knicks-Nyets: Johan Petro pilfered perfection from the field (on one
attempt) in 6:41 with two turnovers and a foul for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Craptors-Heat: Aaron Gray skated away from flawlessness in one field goal try and a board in 13:53 with one lost rock and three fouls for a
4:3 Voskuhl.

Hornets-Grizzlies: Memphis's Hamed Haddadi countered a field goal, two free throws, and three boards with two lost rocks and a foulout in
15:42 for a 8:7 Voskuhl ratio. Josh Selby took a rejection and a brick in just 53 seconds for a +2 and a Mario!

Jazz-Frail Blazers: Utah's Blake Ahearn bricked thricely (twice from the Pioneer Courthouse Square) and also fouled and lost the rock once for a +5 in 318 seconds!

Lakers-Warriors: Jordan Hill jacked up two boards in 2:33 with a brick, rejection, foul and two turnovers for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Worst of the Night: April 17, 2012

2012-04-18T11:41:00.002-05:00

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JR Smith and Kevin Garnett mutate to form Super Goro!

"You take it, we're trying to tank!"

"Well, so are we!"

Oh boy, looks like Adelman has been reading Mein Kampf again

Novak throws a tantrum when Coach Woodson doesn't let him back in

"I did it! I made it across the border!"

Justin Bieber (and his new lesbian haircut) are getting ready for life when he hits his late 20's.

Where satisfaction at your team thinking they're better without you happens

What kinda has 2 thumbs and likes to freak out his own team?

THIS GUY

Minneapolis Lakers: Well, they say revenge is a dish best served cold. And this one clearly never left the ice box.

After humiliating the Spurs on the road, SA turned a 2 point deficit in the 2nd quarter into an 18-0 run that brought back fond memories of the Lakers 2005 season.

Shooting a blistering 60% from the floor, the San Antonio just kept pushing the ball to get easy baskets. So what did the Lakers do to counter with two 7 footers?

They just tried to push the pace even faster.....until they got ran out of their own building.

"The tempo was in their favor," Lakers coach Mike Brown said. "They sped us up, and we did not look like we had -- nor did we try -- to get control of the game. We got out of character a bit of the way we've been playing lately. You have to give the Spurs credit. I envy teams that have a coach who knows what he's doing. Still can't believe I left my notebook back in SA"

As for the player of the game, all I can say is hide your wives, hide your children, and make sure you've really hidden your wives again because Tony Parker was a one man wrecking ball.

Going off for 29 points (14-20 shooting, same number as his attempts for snagging his teammates girlfriends) and 13 assists put the Lakers on their heels....until they just toppled backwards.

Kobe should return for the next meeting between the two teams this Friday.

Don't be surprised if he takes away shots from Bynum/Gasol and goes 7/30.

Boston Celtics: I know Bill Russell isn't dead yet, but when he saw this statistic, he found the nearest open grave and began rolling:

Knicks Bench: 55 points (sans Lin and Amare)

Celtics Bench: 2 points

The Knicks were down 17-24 in the first, when JR Smith walked up the court and hit a 3.

And that's okay, because teams are going to hit a 3 now and again.

Just when you let them do that, oh I don't know, 18 more times you know you're just begging for a loss.

"We didn't defend the 3 at all tonight," Pierce said. "We dug ourselves a huge hole that we couldn't climb out of."

Didn't defend the 3 at all? The Celtics were playing defense as though the key was an island and everything else was water.

They let Steve Novak shoot 80% from 3 point range (8-10) alone.

Can't wait for him to star in the Revenge of the Nerds reboot, with Matt Bonner as his sidekick and Brian Scalabrine as the main villain.

Cleveland Cadavers: First off, I want to give the Cavs some credit. Anytime you can play for pride and trim a 50 point deficit to 39, you know you're fighting hard ~~to land Anthony Davis~~.

This has to be the most 'Bawful game of the year. The Cavs though it'd be cool to play basketball like something out of a game from 1947.

They were down 50-100 and the fourth quarter hadn't even started.

The Pistons were stunned that they got out tanked so quickly, and effortlessly.

Hell, even the Bobcats were jealous.

The Cavs "trimmed" the deficit to make the final score a "respectable" 77-116.

"Trust me, I'm trying to figure out what happened myself," Jamison said. "I just know that I'm not going to be watching SportsCenter or reading any newspapers for the next couple days."

I'm pretty sure with the season his team is having, Jamison (-47 for the game) has probably stayed away from SportsCenter and any newspapers all season.

Who knows, maybe the Cavs are suffering from a lottery hangover.

Scary thing is, the Cavs got off more shots than the Pistons did, and had more free throw attempts.

After doing some research, I knew this had to be one of the biggest blowouts in NBA history.

This wasn't the worst of all time, because that honor went to....

*drum roll*

Your 1991 Cleveland Cadavers, who got blown out the Heat 148-80.

Here's to consistency folks.

Chris's Lactose Intolerant Report:

Pacers-Sixers: Nikola Vucevic vanquished 2 boards and a field goal in 11:29 with a 5:4 Voskuhl via near-foulout.

Sad Cavs-Pistons: Ben Wallace botched a board in 14:34 with a brick, foul, and turnover for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Celtics-Knicks: Greg Stiemsma went +3 in 9:46 via fouls, also earning a 3:0 Voskuhl. Ryan Hollins had himself a pot of gold worth 1.15 trillion (70 seconds), and JaJuan Johnson went Goomba hunting for a mere 44 seconds to garner himself a Mario.

New York's Jared Jeffries was perfect on one attempt from the field in 5:39, but fouled twice and lost the rock once for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Wolves: Gilbert Arenas bricked once from the Mary Tyler Moore statue for a +1 in 309 seconds, while Quincy Pondexter also tossed a brick from the Foshay Tower and fouled thricely for a +4 in 366 seconds.

Spurs-Lakers: Patrick Mills earned a +2 for San Antonio in 220 seconds via foul and turnover.

Meanwhile, Darius Morris also earned the same suck differential in the same timespan for the Lakeshow, but via brick and turnover.

Worst of the Night: April 16, 2012

2012-04-17T12:02:00.001-05:00

Gentlemen, start your tanking!

Minnesota Timberpups: In case the Pups were unclear on the concept, allowing your opponent to score twice as many points as you do is never a good thing. It's not often that you let the other team's starting unit all finish with a higher +/- than the number of minutes they played, but that will happen when the score is 64-30 at halftime. The combined +/- of the Indiana starters was +153! Minnesota was down by 25 points after only nine minutes of play.

Tyler Hansbrough/Leandro Barbosa: I could have put the entire Pacers bench here, as they combined to shoot 11-for-36 (the starters were 28-for-52, by way of comparison), but these two sparkplugs shot 5-for-21, committed five fouls and turned the rock over five times. Despite scoring four points and pulling in four rebounds, Hansbrough still almost had a Voskuhl.

David West, pulling no punches quote: "...especially when you're dealing with teams that don't have anything to play for this time of year, like the Timberwolves."

Philadelphia 76ers: From early-season darlings to late-season collapse, the 76ers are on a freight train going the wrong way. They haven't beaten a decent team this month and followed up a home loss to the Nyets with a double-digit defeat to the Howard-less Magic, getting outrebounded 46-30 in the process. What was worse was the Philly defense allowing Orlando to shoot 11-for-18 (61%) from the three point line.

That's all Orlando can do! Can't anyone close out to the three point line? Sheesh, it's like being in a Scooby Doo cartoon and never pulling the mask off the bad guy.

Harden's transformation is almost complete...

Toronto Craptors: A 22 point loss at home? With Ben Uzoh getting significant minutes? Must be tankin' time!
If only we had some kind of gif that would encapsulate the struggles the Raptors had tonight. If only...

Atlanta Hawks: Sure, you may have won, Atlanta, but you had plenty of bawful. Being outrebounded (including giving up double digit boards to the aforementioned 6'3" Uzoh) is one thing, but you shot 6-for-21 from three point range and bricked 11 free throws.

Ball

Hornets/Bobcraps: Ho. Lee. Crap. This was bawful at it's finest. It was like a Null-Star Game that counted (but only because every team is legally required to play 66 games that "count").
It was like Charlotte was playing a game of 'whatever you can do, I can do bawfuler'. New Orleans shoots 33.8% from the field? Never fear, here comes the Bobcraps bench, shooting 3-for-23 and dragging down the shooting percentage to 30%. New Orleans goes 1-for-11 from distance? Charlotte doubled down on the suck and shot 1-for-16. Seriously, were these guys playing by some bizarre Aztec Ball Court rules where they had to try to put the ball through the hoop without using their hands?

Charlotte also bricked ten free throws. Neither team scored more than 35 points in the first half and they combined for 20 points in the third quarter.

The Phoenix Suns scored only 17 fewer points in their game against Portland last night than these teams scored put together.

Gerald Henderson, unclear on what 'good' means: "The Hornets are a good team, but we look at them as similar to us."

Gerald, if you're describing a team as 'good', they are not, in any way, similar to you.
If you want a full detail on the bawful in this game, just look at the AP Recap. It's like they're stealing my material (or maybe the other way around).

New Jersey Nyets: Leading by nine points going into the final quarter, the Nyets decided to become charter members of the Lebron James 4th Quarter Hero Fan Club, allowing The Bron to score the final 17 Heat points in a three point loss.

Nyets "fans": With James leading the comeback, Nyets fans decided to stick it to their team, chanting "MVP! MVP!" as well as "Let's Go Heat!".
They do know that James isn't a free agent any more, don't they?

Jordan Crawford attempts the rare 'bicycle kick' layup.

Chicago Bulls: Rose or no Rose, Deng or no Deng, losing to the Generals at home is not something that playoffs teams do. And I don't mean that figuratively. Here's a list of teams that the Generals have beaten on the road this season:
Charlotte
Detroit
Portland
New Orleans
New Jersey
Charlotte (again)
Chicago

One of these teams is not like the others. Five of these teams are kind of the same. Can you guess which one is not like the others? Now it's time to play our game (it's time to play our game).
1000 internet points for anyone who can name the reference.

Chicago coughed up the ball 17 times for 27 points the other way. Washington had 10 TIMES as many fast break points (20-2) and crushed the Bulls in the paint 48-22.

Thug life. I has it.

Tyrone Corbin, benevolent coach: There's giving your stars a lot of minutes, there's treating your stars like Kurt Russell treated the US Hockey team in Miracle (again. blow the whistle. again. again.) and then there's Tyrone Corbin, playing his starters a combined 259 minutes in a triple overtime game. If my math is correct, that left 56 minutes for the rest of the team and the starters AVERAGED 52 minutes. Of course, it's not like the Jazz have been playing a lot of games lately. They're only at the end of a "six games in nine nights with every game in a different city" stretch. Egyptian Pharoahs sent Corbin a text this morning saying that Corbin might have been working his players a bit too hard.

Thanks, NBA Lockout! You're the best!

Uh...Dirk? Shooter's the other way.

Portland Fail Blazers: Hey guys, I know you're just playing out the string and all, but 60%?!?!? If you take out the upright corpse of Michael Redd, the Suns shot 50-for-78 against you tonight? That's like 121% for the game. And it's not like Nash was torching you. He was only 3-for-6. No, you were getting punked by Bassy Telfair and Markieff Morris. Not to mention the Suns starting frontcourt, which shot 24-for-34.

There were only a total of 30 rebounds grabbed at your end of the court, Portland. Funny, I would have thought giving Thabeet double digit minutes would have helped that situation. Who knew?

Dude, playing the Warriors is almost like getting a DNP-Old, amirite?

Golden State: Due to the "effort" the Warriors gave (trailing by 15 after one quarter and 21 by halftime), Coach Pop got to use his middle school rotation (everyone plays the same amount of time). All 12 Spurs played, from Timmah (11 minutes) to Gary Neal (25 minutes). Even Patty Mills saw 17 minutes of court time. That's like a month's worth.

The Warriors must have been excited to see some of these guys, because they were slapping everyone's back, hands, faces, whatever they could find. The home team racked up 31 personal fouls and sent the visitors to the line 43 times. I didn't realize that it was "opposite home cookin' day" in Oakland yesterday.

If starting four rookies against San Antonio isn't a sure sign that you're tanking, I don't know what is.

I know some players tune their coaches out, but this is ridiculous.

Seriously, he's making this face in 90% of the pictures that he's in.

Chris' THE CLIPPERS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS Monday lacktion report:

Hornets-Bobcats: Charlotte's Matt Carroll bricked thricely (twice from the Duke Energy Center) and also fouled and lost the rock once for a +5 in 13:29!!!

Mavs-Jazz: In triple overtime, Brendan Haywood botched two boards in
20:47 as starting big man with three bricks, three fouls and a turnover for a 4;2 Voskuhl. Brandan Wright bid adieu to a board in 6:12 with a foul and turnover for a 2:1 Voskuhl. And Brian Cardinal fouled once by contacting a Koopa Troopa in just 19 seconds for a Mario and +1.

Thunder-Clippers: Oklahoma City's Royal Ivey and Cole Aldrich cultivated 1.1 trillion in 68 seconds, the same timespan that Lazar Hayward garnered a +1 via turnover.

For PLAYOFF-BOUND Lob City, Trey Thompkins earned his own +1 via brick in that timespan, while Bobby Simmons can now collect rent along with Donald Sterling with his own 1.1 trillion.

Purple Pauper pinheads pilfer plan pathetically

2012-04-13T17:29:00.001-05:00

Oh, so the Association wants to offer these fools 99% ($74 million) of a $75 million development cost to build a new arena in Sacramento that was agreed to months ago? Where the River City did EVERYTHING asked of them and then some?

Why take a sweetheart deal from the NBA when you can have a FREE SIX DOLLAR BURGER? (And for those keeping score at home, Carl's Jr. is based in Anaheim.)

Nope.

Not good enough.

Spare me the platitudes, George, Gavin, and the other bankrupt family members who have had to sell their party casino, beer distributorship, and anything of value as they continue to chase their hope of being Anaheim's attache.

So what are fans in the Sacramento Valley supposed to do now? Throw their money at this family and hope they have a change of heart (yeah right)? (Well, they did have a change of heart...to what they really wanted to do in the first place.)

Hope that 29 other owners will be able to prevent them from leaving in this blatant ploy to shore up their own finances at the cost of the Paupers' longest-running home city?

Accept the 2002 Western Conference Finals as a legitimate sporting result?

What else can really be said at this point, the fans did their part, Mayor Kevin Johnson did his part, the NBA was willing to reduce the Maloofs' obligations to negligable...and here we are.

This chapter in the saga is the textbook definition of bawful, ladies and gentlemen.

Worst of the Night: April 10, 2012

2012-04-11T11:57:00.002-05:00

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Well then, maybe we should have waited before telling Baron what the Knicks road record was

Wait, what the hell did he do to Simba?

Where Dodgeball happens

"Dude, you're letting us beat you? Come on, we'd struggle to beat college teams man!"

After taking a crap on the Knicks, Noah opted to take one on the floor

Mikhail Prokhorov still keeps the lights dim Godfather 2 style as he recovers from no Dwight in sight

Even the cheerleaders are too ashamed to place the Wizards logo on their shirts

Miami cHeat: If I told you that these bozos in black shot 45% from the field, 45% from 3 point land, and even threw in a 35 point quarter for good measure, I'm sure you'd assume it was just another day at the office for the Heat.

On most nights that would be good enough for a win, but on this night.....well let's just say letting the Celtics shoot 60% from the floor, 64% from 3 point land, and a couple 30+ point quarters to boot....you guys see where I'm going with this, right?

"We left Boston feeling awful at our performance," LeBron James said. "I don't feel as bad tonight. Those guys, they were locked in. Not only did they make their open shots, they made their contested shots. ... When you've got it going like that, just tip your hat off. We tip our hat off to them tonight. They won it."

We are going to start taking bets that the LeBron might be saying that 4 more times in May. Just sayin'

Boston led by as many as 18, and Rondo had his18th straight game with double digits in assists. That's the most consecutive number of double digit assist games since Nirvana's Nevermind record release party.

Christopher Boshikins: Yikes, the only thing he did right on this night was to be a Bosh. Going 5-13 from the floor just isn't going to cut it. Especially on a night when your second best big man is Ronny Turiturd.

If there ever was a weakness for the Heat, it's their (un)formidable front line. I know Joel Anthony wasn't playing, but the fact that I even have to mention that when it comes to their frontline tells you everything.

Of course, they'll probably still make the Finals anyway.

Skip Bayless: Yowza, talk about getting destroyed. Jalen Rose put this clown in his place like you wouldn't believe:

I think after this, Skip just do what his name says when it comes to giving his basketball takes.

Charlotte Bobscraps: Charlotte lost for the 49th time this season, the sky remains blue, and Simple Plan still can't sell any records.

The things above are obvious.

The things below are downright 'Bawful:

The all time worst team in NBA history, the 1973 Philadelphia 76ers went 9-73 for a winning percentage of .110

Your 2012 Charlotte Bobscraps? 7-49 and sit at a "winning percentage" of .125.

Should they lose their remaining 7 games (and since their in Anthony Davis mode it's likely) they will go down as the most 'Bawful team in NBA history.

Can you imagine how bad it would be for them if it wasn't a shortened season? *shudders*

New York Bricks: The stats aren't all bad against the Bulls, well except for getting out-rebounded 33-51, and you know, 17 turnovers.

But other than that, things were great.

Derrick Rose got injured again, but the Bulls have gotten so used to that at this point that they woke up Richard Hamilton from his slumber Mummy style, and he led the team with 18 points.

The Knicks got a pretty 'Bawful-esque performance from Landry Fields who went 4-13 to go with the glorious 0-9 performance from Novak, Jeffries, and Douglas combined.

"We got outrebounded," Carmelo Anthony said. "They beat us on the boards. I got two rebounds. I've got to do better than that."

And the Knicks got to do better if they want to keep that playoff spot. Not letting yourself get outscored 10-25 in the 2nd quarter of games would be a start fellas.

Orlando Magic: As if it wasn't bad to let the Wizards shoot 50% from the floor (even they didn't know they were capable of that) but to shoot 36% from the floor yourself against the league's favorite basement dwellers....well guys, there are only so many ways you can tell a team how to get an extra L for the win loss record.

Dwight-less turned the Magic into hopeless, as the Wizards ran them out of the gym with a 34-23 fourth quarter.

Jokes have been made that some college teams could possibly beat the Wizards....well without Dwight, that's pretty much what the Magic looked like.

Tonight's Games:

Pacers vs Cavs: I put $100 on the Pacers. Some bets are too good to pass up.....I hope.

Sixers vs Raptors: Oh how the might have fallen. Sixers have gone 5-10 in their last 15. As for the Craptors, well the Fallen just....continue to fall.

Celtics vs Hawks: According to the AP Preview:

"Though Boston has played well overall and held Atlanta to an average of 82.5 points on 39.6 percent shooting in the last four meetings, the Hawks are a confident group"

Uh, that preview must have been written by Joe Johnson's mother. The Hawks are going to get crushed.

Paupers vs Hornets: These teams are probably thinking: 7 MORE GAMES TILL SUMMER BREAK! WOOO!

Knicks vs Bucks: The battle for the potential victims of a first round sweep begins now

Clippers vs Bucks: You know the Clippers have stepped it up lately, this ought to be a great game. But then again, I think the more intriguing matchup will be who can botch crunch time more: Vinny D or Scotty B? Stay tuned folks.

Suns vs Grizzlies: I'll be pulling for the Suns in this one, but I just hope they don't meet a fate similar to the guy in Grizzly Man when they go to FedEx Arena.

Lakers vs Spurs: That lovely NBA scheduling. These teams play each other 3 times in 9 days. I can't tell if this is still the NBA or Champions League.

Kobe has already had 12 games this season where he has had more Field Goal attempts than points. Something tells me if they ever build a statue of the guy, it will be made out of bricks.

Warriors vs Frail Blazers: No game is actually going to be played, these teams will simply sit at center court and figure out the best places to beach it up in Cancun in a couple weeks.

McNuggets vs Timberpups: And I end this post with a JAVALE MAGOO VIDEO!

The most 'Bawful 60 seconds an NBA player has had in years:

The gift that just keeps on giving.

Chris's Lacktation Report:

Celtics-El (Oh El) Heat: Norris Cole went +1 via brick in 178 seconds.

Bobcats-Cavs: Manny Harris handled one foul in 4:11 for a +1.

Sixers-Nyets: Sam Young rang up one foul in 139 seconds to give the Sixers a +1.

Meanwhile, New Jersey's Shelden Williams countered 2 steals and an assist as starting big man with a brick, three turnovers, and three fouls for a 6:0 Voskuhl in 17:58.

Purple Paupers-Mavs: Chuck Hayes logged into the ledger despite a board in 7:32, by bricking once, taking a rejection, and earning one foul and one turnover each for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Dallas's Ian Mahinmi made 100% of his field goal attempts (one try exactly), and even gathered a board in 8:14, only to get a 4:3 Voskuhl via fouls. And Dominique Jones upgraded to a Gamecube after 36 seconds of battling King Koopa for a celebratory Mario.

Knicks-Bulls: Josh Harrellson can now waste a treasure away like the Dolans after earning a 1.25 trillion (75 seconds).

Chicago's Mike James had 6 seconds to blow the dust off of an Excite Bite cartridge for a SUPER MARIO!

Worst of the Night: April 9, 2012

2012-04-10T12:07:00.001-05:00

"Did you see that post about us in Basketbawful?"
"I know, that was dead on, right?"

Lamar Odom: Lamar's "performance" this season might be one of the purest definitions of bawful. Season lows in points, rebounds, assists, and shooting percentage. You know you suck when your boss says "hey, why don't you stay home for the rest of ever? Don't worry, we'll keep paying you, just stay away." According to Donnie Nelson, having Lamar on the team was "like going to war with wet gunpowder."

On top of that, local (and ESPN.com) columnist Tim McMahon called you one of the biggest disgraces in Dallas sports history.

McMahon knows that Jerry Jones is the owner of the Cowboys, right?

George Hill, king of the double negative quote: "We cannot take none of the games for granted," Hill said. "Third place through eighth place is so close, so every game has meaning."

Detroit Pissed-Ons: When you lose by 30, you can be pretty confident that everything went wrong. In this case, you'd be absolutely right. As many assists as turnovers, shooting only 40% from the field. Letting your opponents shoot 52% from the field (and 53%(!) from distance).

Jason Richardson and J.J. Redick combined to shoot 10-for-14 from the three-point line. If the Pistons' hands and Orlando's faces saw each other tomorrow, they'd have to be introduced, since it's clear that they didn't meet last night.

In an attempt to live up to their name, the Bobcraps have started employing the "stinkfinger" defense.

Charlotte Bobcraps: Did you know that the Generals have more road wins than the Bobcraps have home wins?

Did you know that the Generals have as many home wins as the Bobcraps have total wins?

Did you know that Paul Silas is so fed up with this crap that he's forcing his son to coach them?

Fun Fact #1: James Singleton, who was playing in China last week, blistered Charlotte for 18 and 12. Cartier Martin, who is also on a 10-day contract for the Generals, finished with 19 points on 7-for-13 shooting.

Playing the Bobcraps. It's good for what ails ya.

Stephen Silas may just be filling in for his father, but he's already got the coach interview thing down, based on the most generic quote ever.

"We knew it was going to be an effort game," Stephen Silas said. "Throughout the game I told the guys that if we were going to win this game we were going to have to do all of the things we practiced and all of the things we work on every day. We didn't do those things and as a result we lost. It's something we have to learn from."

Seriously, that's like somebody did a Mad Libs, but tried to give the right answers instead of using 'poop' as a noun. And a verb.

Fun Fact #2: When it comes to a Generals-Bobcraps game, there is no Fun Fact #2.

Sad fan section is sad.

Kobe Bryant, beloved teammate: With Bryant out, everybody needs to step up, blah, blah, blah.

Pau Gasol said this: "I'm one of the anchors -- when (Bryant) is not there, even more -- so I get a lot more involved in the offense,"

Pau Gasol meant this: "I can't remember the last time I touched the ball this much in a game. Do you think Kobe might need a little extra rest? He doesn't want to rush back too soon, right? Holy crap, did I really take 21 shots in this game? Let Kobe know he should make sure he takes care of that shin. No need to hurry back."

Testify!

Milwaukee Bucks composure: Not that it mattered in a 20-point home loss, but the Bucks couldn't keep the officials from T'ing them up. Granted, we might see one or two of those rescinded, but five technical fouls, Milwaukee? Has Rasheed Wallace been hired as a referee interaction coach?

Nick Young and Caron Butler: The new additions looked like they'd been studying how to be Clippers all of their lives, shooting a combined 2-for-12 for a whopping five points in 47 combined minutes.

After the game, Young commented, "just being able to put on the Clipper jersey, you know there's a lot of history behind it. And I was doing my best to live up to the Clipper legacy by going 0-for-5 in a losing effort. Even when I was with Washington, I felt like a Clipper, and, with performances like this, it makes me know that I've found where I belong."

Dude, you ever heard of deodorant? You smell worse than your defense!

Gol_en State Warriors: Down by 24 after the first quarter and by 31 in the first half, the Warriors doubled down on the suck in the second half, getting outscored 58-46. The Nuggets shot almost 55% from the field and had 35 assists on 48 made buckets. Kenneth Faried dropped 27 and 17 on the hapless Warriors, who shot under 37% for the game.

David Lee, tellin' it like it is: "Got off to a bad start, had a bad middle, and finished the game poorly," Lee said.

Yep, that about sums it up.

Despite an appropriate last name, Kevin is still unclear on the concept of manlove.

Minnesota Timberpups: When you shoot 39% and your opponent shoots 57%, what do you get?
A loss. Something the pups have been all too familiar with lately, as they've dropped six in a row and twelve of their last fifteen. It's nice to know that there are some things we can count on in life.

San Antonio Spurs: With the Texas version of the Big 3 all sitting on the bench, the Spurs predictably faded down the stretch, getting outscored by 11 in the fourth quarter en route to a nine-point loss. Captain Jack led the charge to the bottom, shooting 2-for-13 on the way to a team-worst -15. They also got crushed on the boards, giving up 50, while grabbing only 38.

Alec Burks: I'm not sure how you can be -15 in only 13 minutes of action while your team wins by nine, but Burks did it. Congratulations, son, I'm sure you've got a lot more of that in you.

Breakin' 3: Hardwood Boogaloo

Portland Snail Blazers: There's playing. There's playing out the string. And then there's losing 94-89 at home. Was there anything bawful about this game? Not really, but nothing great either. Only seven fast break points. Shooting sub-40%. It's like they tried to play just well enough to lose. Yawn. If they don't care, why should I?

Widest invisible torso ever.

Chris' Monday Lacktion Report:
Pistons-Magic: Orlando's Daniel Orton ousted three boards in 12:34 with three bricks and four fouls for a 4:3 Voskuhl.
Thunder-Bucks: Nazr Mohammed fouled twice in 301 seconds for a +2 and a 2:0 Voskuhl, and Daequan Cook bricked twice from Cathedral Square for the same suck differential in 638 seconds.
Clippers-Grizzlies: Baby cub Jeremy Pargo cleared out a clogged pipe in
16 seconds for a Mario.
Lakers-Hornets: Gustavo Ayon augmented a board in 7:27 with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

George Hill shows Kevin the right way to manlove. With a reacharound.

The Press Conference: Starring Stan Van Gundy

2012-04-06T07:23:00.002-05:00

BREAKING NEWS: Choker from 2009 Finals wants coach fired

2012-04-05T12:39:00.011-05:00

4:11 in this "highlight" clip, we witness Pumaman's continuation of the Nick Anderson tradition - one later followed up by Vinsanity in the same uniform!!!!

For those who are not yet following the amazing Hardwood Paroxysm on Twitter, here's a recap of the breaking insanity in Orlando:

12:45 PM EST - CBS Sports reports via the New York Times's Howard Beck that Stan Van Gundy tells press Pumaman Dwight Howard has asked for the outspoken coach to be fired. Seconds later, Dwight walks up to him and puts his arm around the bench boss in a vote of "confidence."

Since then, HP has retweeted quite a few gems on the developing situation, while...THE OFFICIAL ORLANDO MAGIC WEBSITE HAS JUST ACTUALLY POSTED A VIDEO OF THIS. And CBS has graciously provided full quotes for those who need more evidence that even Bill Russell never was this sullen.

To quote Timothy B. Schmit of the Eagles, "Nothing's wrong as far as I can see!!!!!!!"

And now on to the retweets:

- HP himself compares this central Florida workplace to Office Space, leading to quite a few comedic lines!!!!

- Marc Stein points out that this is basically a point-of-no-return for Stan.

- Someone comments they really DO want to hear The Big Voskuhl, er, Shaq Fu's input on this.

- With Mr. Howard's obvious choking history, and locker room toxicity, one wonders why he is not disliked as much as King Crab. In similar vein is this wry analysis by Ken Berger of CBS.

- A comparison between this and Magic Johnson getting Paul Westhead fired in LA - oh, except Magic had a title AND Finals MVP already. Again, watch the Youtube at top to see what Pumaman has so far for "signature Finals performances."

- The Orlando Pinstriped Post blog provides comprehensive coverage of the unfolding mess.

- Maybe Magic management regrets this whole, "let's tell Stan" thing.

- Stan knows where he stands: "It’s 12:02 right now. If they want to fire me at 12:05, I’ll go home and find something to do. I’ll have a good day."

Yep, this is the look of a man who enjoys being subverted by a clutch-time disappointment

- Not forgotten: Stan's past coaching travails in the Sunshine State.

- A silver lining to all of this - BETTER TV COMMENTARY.

- HP himself not exactly impressed with those Magic fans who think Mr. Howard has handled the situation with class, decorum, and tact.

- Some guy from the Wall Street Journal found today's press junket...awkward.

- From Holly MacKenzie - Tony Allen defends his coach! And Holly appreciates Stan's Pepsi swag.

Yeah. What an hour this has been. The National Basketball Association: It's FANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5:49 PM EST - Latest HP retweet - now both Van Gundy and his team are NOT making themselves available for the media in the usual pre-game slot. Locker room closed. Interesting that they all were rather willing to open their mouths just 5 hours ago...

7:46 PM EST - HP now retweets this rather obvious note, that Stan has felt the demands and pressure from Pumaman ALL season long.

8:43 PM EST - Just saw this quote from lacktion artist Ishmael Smith:

“My mom loves soap operas, so for me to be a part of one is pretty special,” Smith joked.

Worst of the Night: April 4, 2012

2012-04-05T10:28:00.002-05:00

Shooting like this is a very niiiiice!

"Joe, you're wearing the ugliest mask I have ever seen"

Well, that's the last time these two fall asleep on the team plane: Billups and Del Negro react to a siamese twin surgery prank administered by Dr. Mo Williams

Rick Adelman carries the world's largest invisible apple across the sideline during the NBA's Gay Pride week

Russell Westbrook realizing that he's late for his shift to H&M

Zaza and Josh Smith hold up the number of turnovers they expect to have in tonight's game

"Well, that's what the money is for!!"

Boston Celtics: Of all the great games on last night, this matchup between the Spurs/Celtics excited me the most. I was eager to see if the Spurs could keep their win streak alive, and what better test than a streaking Boston team that had one of the best records after the all star break?

But before I get to the game, I want to say one thing.

There are fans. There are homers. And there are the ~~mentally unwell~~ obsessed.

And then there is Tommy Heinsohn.

I respect the hell out of the guy for commentating on some of the most legendary games in Celtics history, but man does he crack me up during the games.

The best has to be when a Celtic player drives in the lane with minimal contact, and then Heinsohn has a hemmorage over the lack of a foul call, only to watch the replay in complete silence (which is something he should practice more often)

He totally comes off as one of those super drunk dads at their son's youth league games.

I would go on about him a little more, but this Bawful post sums it up pretty nicely.

As for the game, I have to give it up for the Celtics. The Spurs were on a back to back, in the middle of a stretch of 16 games in 23 nights. The Celtics, being the gracious hosts that they were, immediately made the Spurs feel at home after tipoff by turning up the lights, rolling out the red carpet, and giving the Spurs limo service to the rim throughout the entire first quarter.

And in case you need further proof, every single one of the 27 points the Spurs had in the first quarter were in the paint.

To make matters worse for Boston, the Spurs continued their hot streak in the second half, ballooning their lead all the way up to 17.

In the third quarter is where things went all Charlie Sheen for San Antonio.

Looking completely discombobulated in their offense, San Antonio stumbled their way into a mere 9 points in the third quarter, as Boston rallied back. This is the same team that is 3rd in the league in PPG mind you.

Boston went on to take the lead late in the fourth, but then the great savior for the Spurs came in and helped put the Celtics away for good.

Sandwhich enthusiast, as well as the most sought after man on Google for missed dunks:

Ginger Face

With the shot clock about to expire, Bonner got his shotput on and drained a jumper with just 45 seconds left in the game to seal the victory. He also ended up with a double double, grabbing just as many boards as Rondo and Garnett combined.

When Tim Duncan was asked about what went through his mind during that possession, he gave quite the diplomatic reponse:

Tim Duncan's face of the 4 stages of Bonner taking the final shot:

1) Anxiety and fear at what is about to unfold
2) Brief Acceptance of the inevitable
3) Blind Rage since everyone has seen this film so many times, and hates the ending.
4) Grateful that pigs can now fly, hell has frozen over, and Bonner makes a basket with less than a minute to go.

Actually, I'm not sure what the hell that was, but I'll take it.

Oklahoma City Turnover: A big game in Miami, the Thunder were looking to expand their lead as the West's top seed. Instead they opted for 20 turnovers, blowing an 11 point lead and losing their hold as the best team in their conference.

Durant played well in his 43 minutes (30 points, even if he did manage 9 turnovers), but Russell Westbrick was having a field day chucking shot after shot after shot after shot.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Despite all that, the game was pretty back and forth until the Thunder opted to have their crunch time plays consist around a failed Ibaka jumper, and another classic Scott Brooks "Let's give Durant the ball as far behind the 3 point line as possible, and hope that something can happen".

He's about 3-26 on those type of plays.

As for the cHeat, talk about a one man show. LeBron shot 50% from the floor, while the rest of his team shot a combined 33%. I don't know if it's scary that the Heat pulled off the win while getting no help from anyone besides James, or if it's just plain scary watching the Heat outside of James period.

Maybe a combination of both, to go with those Darth Vader uniforms.

Memphis Care Bears: A 10 point lead, a surge in the playoff standings, and life is good.

But then Memphis remembered who they were, and proceeded to let their game go to hell in the fourth quarter, as the Mavs stormed back and grabbed a 95-85 win.

The Grizz allowed the Mavs to shoot 50% from the floor while having the big 3 of Gay, Gasol, and Conley combine for a whopping 12-39 (suck on that Westbrick!)

As for newcomer Gilbert Arenas, well he wasn't so kind in the post game recap:

Maybe if Gilbert spent more time dropping 3's as oppose to dropping deuces the Grizz would have been in better shape.

Charlotte Bobscraps: Lost 9 in a row and counting. Heck, they've lost more games during this streak than they have won all season.

It wasn't all bad. I mean the Bobscraps did have a lead in this game. It may have been only a lead of one point, and lasted all of 10 seconds, but hey, it's something to build on.

The Hawks led by as much as 32, and no one was happier than Josh Smith who got to relax in the fourth:

"It was real important," he said. "It just feels good to get some rest and watch the Bobcats play a little bit. But my God, are they just awful. Makes for great comedy though"

Cleveland Cadavers: The Cavs had lost their last two games by a combined 72 points, but progress was made as they only allowed themselves to get down by 19 against the Bucks.

Baby steps people.

It's gotten so bad for the Cavs that even the opposition has given up on being polite about them in the post game quotes:

"We came out, played well in the first quarter and then they won the last three quarters," Bucks coach Scott Skiles said. "It's a team, you feel like, we should handle a little bit easier than we did. But we won the game, which is good to see, and made some shots."

Yikes, this is coming from a team that wouldn't even be in the playoffs had they started today. Lord knows the rest of the teams are thinking when they see Cleveland on the calendar.

The Cavs weren't taking the loss any easier than the previous ones:

"Against this team, you're going to have to score," Scott said. "They just have too many guys that can flat out put the ball in the basket. We missed 30 shots inside the paint. That makes it real tough on you."

Pretty sure against any team you're going to have to score, since I don't know, isn't that the main idea of how to win a basketball game? I'm sure Coach Scott will figure it out sooner or later. I mean there's always next year, and the year after that, and the year after that.

"We had some great looks," Anthony Parker said. "Unfortunately, it was one of those days where some of the easier shots that we ~~usually~~ never convert on just weren't falling."

Another day in the life of a Cavs player.

*sigh*

Philadelphia 1776'ers: Forget The Exorcist, if you wanna see you something messed up and terrifying, try forcing yourself to watch the performance this Philly team put on against the Craptors last night.

They shot a measly 25% from the 3 point land, got only 8 free throws, and allowed the Craptors of all teams to run the lead to as many as 23 points in Philly's own building.

I haven't even gotten to the fact that the Sixers scored just 7 points in the fourth quarter.

*face palm*

But when you're the same team who also falls to the Wizards, and have lost 8 out of your last 12, you know things aren't going right for you.

"I really don't have anything," coach Doug Collins said. "I don't know what to say."

You're not alone Doug.

Forget burning the tape, they should also burn all the fans, players, and coaches who witnessed this game.

But maybe that isn't even enough.

Los Angeles Flippers: Ah yes, those schizophrenic Flippers. Lose 3 games one night, then go on an absolute tear and win 6 in a row the next while many were calling for the Lakers as the second best team in LA.

Like Roger Sterling in the latest episode of Mad Men, I asked "When are things going to get back to normal?"

Well, last night they did.

The Flipps allowed the Lakeshow to get 63 first half points, and let Bynum errupt for 36 points.

He didn't even have to hit a single 3 to get to that total either.

Bynum and Kobe (of all people) combined for an astonishing 26-39 from the floor.

Chris Paul and Blake Griffin struggled, as they both missed over half their shots as the Lakers built a lead of 15 points.

Del Negro looked completely lost out there, but then again, that isn't any different than any other day he's been alive.

The Flippers are now 3 games behind the Lakers for the top spot in the Pacific, and judging by their Jekyl/Hyde performance this season, this loss could put them in another tail spin.

"It was exciting," Chris Paul said, "but at the end of the day, we lost. Who cares?"

That's the Clippers season in a nutshell.

Pau Gasol: For being Blake Griffin's bitch. I mean wow:

And before I end this post, I just gotta give props to Mohammad El-Akkari, who had 113 more points than Kenyon Martin did last night.

Of course there is no video evidence of this game, and it was played in Lebanon of all places, but still.

Even on default settings in NBA 2K12, getting a 113 points with a player in a single game would be considered an achievement.

Unless you're playing against the Nyets.

Also, feel free to "like" us on Facebook. Tell your friends, your family, even your exes (who knows, maybe it'll be just the thing to get you guys back together!).

Have a great long weekend everybody.

Chris's Lacktation Report:

Craptors-Sixers: Philadelphia's Lavoy Allen bricked once and lost the rock as well for a +2 in 185 seconds.

Pacers-Generals: Lance Stephenson bricked twice (once from Union Station) and also took a foul for a +3 in 261 seconds.

Thunder-Heat: Ronny Turiaf tarnished two rebounds and an assist in 15:26 with two bricks, one lost rock, and four fouls for a 5:2 Voskuhl. Norris Cole took a rejection and three pieces of masonry in 328 seconds for a +4, and James Jones hit a jackpot of 1.95 trillion (118 seconds).

Warriors-Wolves: Andris Biedrins banished two boards to the wrong side of a Voskuhl ratio, earning a 4:2 via fouls in 11:47.

Suns-Jazz: Enes Kanter improvised a board in 8:27, only to brick twice and take two fouls in a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Nyets-Frail Blazers: Joel Przybilla poked at a singular rebound in 11:26 with two fouls and turnovers each for a 4:1 Voskuhl.

Worst of the Night: April 2, 2012

2012-04-03T09:45:00.001-05:00

1,2,3,4 I declare thumb war.....oh you mean I'm supposed to be out on the floor right now?

Remember girls, the Wizards logo is actually lava!

After getting kicked out of the Justice League for painting Wonder Woman's invisible plane, Keith Smart does training for his next job on the streets: Begging.

"So this is what it feels like to be part of the home crowd at a Bobcats game"

Coach Hollins tries to shield the fans from watching his team butcher the pick and roll, only to horrify them even more with his fingers

Dallas Mavericks: Well, I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume the Mavs are still celebrating last year's championship, because the team they've been putting out on the floor these past few weeks would struggle even in the WNBA.

Getting blown out at home to the Flippers, the Mavs got outscored in every single quarter, with the deficit growing to be as large as 22 points.

For the Clippers, this is their first 6 game win streak in 20 years, you know back when Michael Jackson played with kids his own age. Ironically, the Clippers last 6 game win streak also began against the Mavs, who were that era's Clippers. Funny how that works.

To add insult to injury, the Mavs allowed Randy Foye, a 39% shooter, go off for more 3 pointers (8) than the entire Mavs team.

"We just couldn't get the ball to fall for us and Foye was hitting dagger after dagger," Delonte West said. "All those 3's, it takes a lot out of you"

He also added

"I haven't been drilled like that since LeBron's mother"

Dallas is now just 2 games from falling out of the 8th playoff spot:

Oklahoma City: The Thunder outshot the Grizz, got just as many free throws, had the same amount of rebounds, hit more three pointers.....and still lost.

Despite blowing up every team who are at the top of the standings, the Thunder decided it was time to party like it's 2009 and fall to the Grizzlies.

OKC gave up 18 turnovers and when you lose by 6, that obviously made all the difference. A surprising stat at first, until you see who is virtually at the top in giving up the ball

"They didn't turn the ball over. A lot of people think we just get the ball out and run. Our fast-break points usually come off of us playing defense and tonight they took care of the ball a little better," Durant said. "We missed some in transition as well but, all in all, they did a great job."

No no Durant, the Grizzlies did turn it over, at least 10 times. But when you're out turning over (that's English, right?) the opposition 2 to 1, it probably feels like the other team doesn't lose the ball very often.

*heavy old man breathing*

That would be the Spurs on the Thunder's necks, who are now just 1 game out of first place in the West.

Chicago Bulls: You know that feeling when you're up up 15, being part of a team that has gone 86 games without losing back to back games (a record only matched by the 1997 Utah Jazz), and you look out into the crowd, and bask in the glory of thousands of adoring fans?

Well, unless you play for the Bobcats, the feeling was all too real for the Bulls who looked like they were gonna massacre the Houston Comets, on their way to keeping the best record in the NBA.

And then you realize, oh damn, it's only halftime!

The Bulls got outscored in the third quarter 19-31, allowing 6 Rocket players to shoot over 50% from the floor.

And that's just the good news.

Chicago went an Antoine Walker-esque 5-17 from 3 point land, saw that 3 point percentage, and thought to make up for it in the free throw department (8-17), but failed in that as well.

The Bulls fell in back to back games for the first time in ages, and Derrick Rose is nowhere to be found.

Oh, and did I mention 19 turnovers? Cause that totally happened.

Washington ~~Wizards~~ Generals: And what would be a 'Bawful post without one of the teams that provides us with the best comedy night and night out?

This was one of the better games for the Wizards, as they allowed themselves to only get down by as many as 23 points to the Bucks, as oppose to the usual 33 every night.

"I don't think we had the bounce in our legs tonight that I've seen," Washington coach Randy Wittman said. "We were down on ourselves a couple of times. I felt it in our huddle."

Wittman went on to add "But then I realized, hey, we're the Wizards, and we've been down on ourselves every night. So at least that aspect of our game has stayed consistent"

Also, what kind of bizzarro world do we live in where Monta Ellis only takes 11 shots? He was very close to taking only 10, which would give him the 6th highest number of shot attempts on the team.

The Bucks won, but I'm totally waiting for those nights where Monta can jack up 25 shots a game. I guess with Brandon Jennings on your side, the competition is gonna be tough.

Tonight's Games:

Spurs at Cavs: SA finally has everyone healthy, but ask me again in a week and that will probably change.

Knicks at Pacers: Here is the story of two teams going in completely opposite directions. I'll let you figure out which team plays what role.

Bobscraps at Craptors: In the industry, we call this matchup a 2 1/2 hour bathroom break.

Magic at Pistons: After blowing that game to Dallas, the NBA had to throw the Magic a bone. I'm sure after the trade deadline next season, the NBA will probably have to schedule the Magic to play the Pistons every night.

Sixers at Heat: This should be a great matchup!....Until you read the following:

"A visit from the 76ers (29-23) could also help. The Heat have dominated this series of late, taking 10 straight regular-season meetings by 12.4 points per contest. They've won 16 of 18 home meetings when their three wins in the first round of the playoffs last season are included."

Warriors at Grizzlies: The Grizz are looking for their 6th straight win against the Warriors. Common logic tells me they'll get it.

Suns at Paupers: I always wondered what a Steve Nash vs Isiah Thomas matchup would be like.....I guess Steve Nash vs Isaiah Thomas is the next best thing....right?

Nyets at Lakers: A picture is worth a thousand words:

Speaking of pictures, congrats to Kentucky for winning the 2012 NCAA Championship. Anthony Davis said that he looks forward to growing as a player and making all the necessary changes to succeed:

Chris's Lacktation Report:

Bucks-Generals: Jon Leuer lacked it up with a +2 in 167 seconds via brick and foul.

Rockets-Bulls: Jimmy Butler jaunted into a quest with Link for a mere 21 seconds to earn a Mario.

Clippers-Mavs: Dominique Jones floated a stock split worth 2.95 trillion (178 seconds) for the Mavs.

Jazz-Frail Blazers: Joel Przybilla felled three boards in 21:56 with a brick, four fouls and a turnover for a 5:3 Voskuhl, while Hasheem Thabeet can now go to the same golf courses as Paul Allen after a 1.65 trillion (100 seconds).

Worst of the Night: March 29, 2012

2012-03-30T11:02:00.001-05:00

Derek Fisher: Minutes before security told him he was headed to the wrong locker room for the third time today.

Coach Vogul performs an opera just prior to busting out into a Salsa dance. His tie failed in its attempt to strangle him.

13-38 baby!!

Only 16 more games, only 16 more games, only 16 more games, only 16 more games...

Gumby has entered the building

Miami cHeat: Yes, they won, dressed in all black jerseys looking like complete ~~assholes~~ villains. The Mavs had a 5 point lead at the end of the first, but Miami turned up the....well heat I guess...to take a 7 point lead at halftime and never looked back.

Dirk played well scoring 25 points to go with his 6 rebounds. However, the real culprit is none other than Jason "Stolen Kenny Smith Nickname" Terry. Once a huge help in Dallas's quest for their first title last season, the mongoloid went off...or south for 1-10 shooting.

When asked about his horrible stat line Terry merely responded with:

"We just worked our habits," LeBron James said. "The best thing about tonight, we didn't take another step backwards like we did the last two games. And it was good to see."

He also added "We're saving all of our backward steps for June, and not just for our Achy Breaky Heart dance routine either"

Also to note, Wade finished with just as many FT attempts (9) as the entire Mavs team got (13).

*deep breath* I love the fresh smell of 2006 in the morning.

LeBron James Headband/Receding Hairline: While this topic isn't anything new or exciting, it's hard not to notice Lebron's headband getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Lebron went to South beach but his hairline is trying to go back to Cleveland.

I mean, what next? His headband will grow to be so large we may as well see LeBron look like this for the 2014 Season:

Minneapolis Lakers: Yowza, what looked good in the first half for the Lakers, a 12 point lead and the Bynum/Gasol tandem working to perfection got completely derailed as the game went on.

The LakeShow allowed the Thunder to shoot 46% from the floor, and despite Harden going a weak 3-11 from the floor (to rival Pau's 4-11) OKC ran away with it building their lead to as many as 19 before Los Angeles tried to save face in the end.

Bynum was fantastic going 10-15 from the floor, as the Thunder had no answer for him.

When you're able to shoot 66% from the floor, you'd think you'd be allowed to get up more shots, ~~maybe even a 3 pointer or two~~.

But then, the Lakers got Kobe'd.

The scene of the crime shot 7-25 from the floor, for a whopping 28% from the floor (which probably raised his FG percentage on the season).

You gotta admit, Kobe is simply fascinating. It's getting to the point where should my Spurs face the Lakers in the playoffs, I secretly pray Kobe takes as many shots as possible.

I tried to analyze Kobe, study Kobe, become Kobe (even had my lower jaw surgically extended and everything).

This is what I found:

Oh, and have I mentioned that Derek Fisher had just as many points in 16 minutes (7) as Razor Ramone Sessions had in 30?

Bawful Twitter Account of the Day: As if going 3-13 from the floor isn't bad enough, these tweets could make anyone scratch their head in amazement from Metta World Please:

Pacers/~~Wizards~~ Generals: On a night where you had some great matchups that had everyone talking with your Heat and Laker games, the NBA decides to schedule this game on the same night.

You know when you're seeing that one band you've been waiting your entire life to see? Your waiting in anticipation. And as you're waiting, maybe at a festival or something, some awful band takes the stage and everyone is just standing there with their arms crossed and waiting for them to get the hell off ?

Well this game was that band.

To give an even better example, when the Wizards are in town, it's just like giving someone polite applause even if on the inside you wish they had never shown up at all.

Kinda like this classic Curb Your Enthusiasm clip, where Sammy is the Wizards, and Larry David represents the entire NBA fanbase.....I guess that would make Suzie John Wall's mother:

Weekend's Upcoming Schedule:

FRIDAY:

Sixers at Generals: The Sixers aren't worried about falling into a tie with Boston, why? Well damn man, just take one look at who they've got next to regain the division lead.

Heat at Craptors: The adrenaline rush for the Heat going from playing the Mavs to playing the Craptors is the equivalent of banging Betty Draper one night, and then Rosie O'Donnell the next.

Denver at Bobscraps: Hellooooooooo 8th seed in the West!

Knicks at Hawks: One of these teams is in the bottom ten in the NBA for points per game, rebounds per game, and has now lost back to back games.....and the other are your New York Knicks.

Bucks at Cavs: Who better to ask for a preview of this game then my buddy Mike Dunleavy. Whatcha sayin' there Mike?

My thoughts exactly.

Pistons at Bulls: They'll say Derrick Rose is injured for this one, but really, he just wants nothing to do with preseason type games.

Grizz at Rockets: Memphis has averaged 88.4 points on 41.3 percent shooting during the 11-game skid in Houston *changes channel*

Celtics at T-Wolves: Garnett comes home.....only to see Kevin Love threaten to take his spot as one of the great PF's to ever put on a Timberwolves Jersey (third place is Joe Smith)

Mavs at Magic: Dallas is going to send Dwight a fruit basket for increasing their chances ten fold for landing Deron Williams this summer.

Paupers at Jazz: Something tells me that Sacramento's road woes will continue. Just a hunch.

Nyets at Warriors: At least Oakland should be relatively warm this time of year.

JailBlazers at Flippers: Looks Vinny D lives another day

SATURDAY:

Lakers at Hornets: Well that's one way to recoup from losing to OKC

Bobscraps at Pistons: The box score says that there will be a winner, but really, everyone who witnesses this loses.

Cavs at Knicks: Irving vs Lin, good stuff

Hawks at Sixers: Put $20 on the Sixers, trust me.

Grizz at Bucks: Hopefully Mike D recovers from his all nighter in time for this one

Pacers at Spurs: George Hill comes back to the team that traded him for the guy who is already ten times better (Kawhi Leonard).

Nyets at Kings: Dud game of the night!

Jazz at Flippers: I can see the Jazz stealing this one.

SUNDAY:

Bulls at OKC: Man do I hope Rose plays in this one.

Heat at Celtics: This has the potential of a first round matchup, and that's just the thing. It's gonna play out like a first round matchup. Expect the Heat to win big.

Magic at Nuggs: Hopefully Dwight doesn't let that thin air in Denver get to his head...or maybe it's already too late

Generals at Craptors: The NBA: Where Making Sure You're Asleep by 6 PM Eastern Happens

Pacers at Rockets: Credit to Bawful reader stephanie g for the "Granny Danger" nickname. Hilarious.

Hornets at Suns: While I'd love to see Nash get out of Phoenix to move on to bigger and better things, I would hate if the rumors of him considering the Heat turn out to be true.

T-Pups at Jailblazers: Aldridge vs Love always makes for a great matchup....the rest of the roster on these teams......not so much

Warriors at Lakers: What's the over/under on Bynum attempting another 3 against the Warriors?

Chris's Lacktation Report for Last Night's Games:

Generals-Pacers: Washington's Brian Cook fried up a mushroom in 6 seconds for a Super Mario!

Mavs-Heat: Brian Cardinal crammed in a collection of startups worth 3.05 trillion (183 seconds), while Yi Jianlian bricked twice and took a rejection in 153 sceonds for a +3.

Meanwhile, Miami's Juwan Howard earned 2.55 trillion (153 seconds).

Thunder-Lakers: Troy Murphy muffed one shot attempt in 394 seconds for a +1.

Worst of the Night: March 28, 2012

2012-03-29T15:11:00.003-05:00

Sorry this is so late guys, real work and all, blah, blah, blah.

What is Tyler Seguin doing?

Cleveland Cadavers: With their fifth straight loss and losses in eight of their last nine games, they have mercifully slipped out of playoff contention and won't have the privilege of getting blasted by the Bulls in the first round. They make the Worsties because, any time you lose to the Pissed-Ons by double digits at home, you're on the Worsties. I think it's written into the Basketbawful by-laws or something.

Orlando Magic: Bleargh. How do you get blown out by they Knicks by 22 points? It's not like they even shot that bad from 3-point land (about 35%). And this is against a team that's missing STAT (I know, addition by subtraction) and Linsanity! Of course, when you've got Superman on your team and you still get outrebounded 49-34, the blame gets laid at one (very large) pair of feet.

Dwight Howard: Here's a list of Knicks players who outrebounded Howard:

Tyson Chandler (ok)
Josh Harrellson (who?)
Iman Shumpert (ugh)
Baron Davis (WHAAAA?!?!?!?)

Dwight, you got outrebounded by a fat point guard with a bad back. Have you already started mailing it in in advance of the summer of 2013?

Here's a list of players from either team who had more turnovers than Howard:

...

To put the poisoned cherry on top of the crap sundae, Howard was also -31 for the game. In only 28 minutes of play. How does that even happen?

Charlotte Bobcraps: OK, I can understand giving up 40 and 19 to Love. He's a good player. After the game Paul Silas tried to downplay your miserable play against him by insinuating he might be an MVP candidate. Nice way to deflect, coach.

But nothing can deflect the fact that you not only gave up a double-double to Luke Ridnour, you also gave up a double-double to Anthony Tolliver. I know you're tanking to give yourself the best chance to get Anthony Davis, but try to be a little more subtle about it, ok? I mean, shooting at your own basket a la Ricky Davis is more subtle than letting Ridnour drop 14 dimes on you. Show a little self-respect.

Atlanta Hawks: This is the reason nobody takes you seriously, Atlanta. No matter how many good games you have, everyone knows games like these are just around the corner. At home playing a team without the reigning MVP, you lay a stinkbomb worthy of Pepe LePew. 77 points? Letting Deng, Boozer, and Gibson shoot 24-for-39 against you? That's like a shooting percantage of 224%!!! For crying out loud, you let Scalabrine get an offensive rebound against you! Have you no shame, Atlanta Hawks? At least Knee-Mac continued his streak of scoring zero points in a game, so you've got that going for you. Which is nice.

Joe Johnson - Tellin' it like it is quote: "Sometimes, we're not so disciplined," he said. "It seems like there's a few guys who don't know their roles on this team. We do a lot of things that don't help us."

Testify!

Paul Pierce's career in a single snapshot

C.J. Miles: Hey, Ceej? That 'SF' next to your name in the box score doesn't mean 'Shoot First'. If you end up going 1-for-10, it was probably a good idea to stop shooting way before the end of the game.

Indiana Pacers: Playing the Nyets, who were down to eight healthy players by the end of the game, Indiana laid a Texas-sized turd on the court. You would have thought that the team who was depending on Gerald Green would have struggled, but instead it was the league's Best Kept Secret that got outscored by 14 in the final quarter on their way to losing by 16.

Danny Granger: 2-for-8 from the field. Four turnovers, fouled out in only 21 minutes of action. Something tells me Granger's agent won't be putting any clips from this game in the portfolio when he's trying to get Danny Boy a new contract.

The D-Fence in Sac-Town: I can understand Sacremento's defense allowing the Spurs to shoot almost 54% from the field and an even 50% from three-point land, but what in Wide Wide World of Sports was going on with San Antonio? Letting the Kings shoot nearly 55% from the field while Isaiah "yeah, I'm named after him, but my name isn't spelled like his" Thomas roasts you for 28 points and 10 assists must have had Pops throwing eye daggers at the sideline reporter unfortunate enough to have to interview him before the fourth quarter.

I couldn't find a picture of Blake
where he wasn't making this face

Los Suns: Just an all-around barf-o-rama shooting performance from the visitors. Under 40% shooting from the field, less than 20% from long distance. On the plus side, Nash assisted on half of his team's field goals. On the minus side, he didn't make a single one of his own and his team only made 30 field goals.

Channing Frye: Frye was perfect from inside the arc and shot less than 20% from three-point range. So guess how many shots he took from each distance? If you guessed "four two-pointers and 11(!) three-pointers", collect your prize at the front desk on your way out. In honor of Frye's shooting, your prize is a brick.

Blake Griffin - backhanded compliment quote machine: "They're two of the elite point guards," Griffin said. "Obviously, Steve is older and in his last years, or whatever, and CP's in his prime right now and it's extremely fun to watch him. But it's also fun to see how good Steve Nash still is at his age and how much he helps his team."

In my head, I like reading that quote but imagining that Griffin's voice is replaced by a 14-year old Valley Girl's voice. It somehow seems to fit better.

Chris' lacktion report (aka The Night Sebastian Telfair Scored A +11 Suck Differential Lacktion Report)

Magic-Knicks: Von Wafer built a pyramid worth 5.45 trillion (328 seconds) for Orlando.

Pistons-Cavs: Cleveland's Luke Walton warded off a 11:06 stint with two fouls and turnovers each for a +4.

Pacers-Nyets: AJ Price named his own payday, by bringing home a 3.2 trillion (194 seconds) for Indiana.

Bulls-Hawks: Jason Collins crammed a perfect shot in 13:53, but also collected 3 fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Spurs-Purple Paupers: Matt Bonner (in 23 seconds) and James Anderson (in 17 seconds) fixed Gregg Popovich's plumbing system as Mario Brothers.

Suns-Clippers: STOP THE PRESSES. SEBASTIAN TELFAIR BRICKED FIVE TIMES (TWICE FROM THE FIRST INTERSTATE BUILDING) AND TOOK A REJECTION, TWO TURNOVERS, AND THREE FOULS FOR AN EPIC +11 SUCK DIFFERENTIAL IN 14:12.

Hornets-Warriors: New Orleans's Chris Johnson jacked up a successful shot (in two attempts) in 13:32 and also made two rebounds, only to lose the rock twice and foul thricely for a 5:4 Voskuhl.

Worst of the Night: March 27, 2012

2012-03-28T12:34:00.001-05:00

AAAAHHHH!!! Scary Ball!!!!!!!!

Cleveland Cadavers: Hey, there Cleveland. Tough loss, you know? But you played OK. More assists than turnovers. Didn't totally stink it up from the line. Shot almost 40% from deep. You out-rebounded your opponent. You've got a lot of positives to take from this game.

*takes a closer look at box score*

JODIE MEEKS?!?!?!?!? The same guy that got one point and one rebound against Boston two games ago dropped 31 on you? 7-for-10 from deep? This guy shoots under 42% for his career and goes 11-for-16 against you? Cadavers, you have soiled the good name of Cleveland.

Atlanta Hawks: The Hawks played well in a lot of ways. They shot 50% and outrebounded the Bucks. They had 27 assists on the night and Smoove went off for 30 and 18. They also played crappy in a lot of ways, turning the ball over 22 times (for 25 points going the other way) and made only 10-of-17 from the charity stripe. Another way they played well was keeping Dampier and Collins glued to the bench the entire game. Some coach's decisions are easier than others, I guess.

Minnesota Timberpups: Remember when Rubio was injured for the season and some people thought that their defense would be more affected than their offense? That might be true, but their offense was pretty offensive tonight. Sub-40% shooting (sub-35% without Love) and only 13 assists (plus only 9 fast break points) will happen when you're depending on Luke Ridnour to lead your offense. Plus, they got abused by the Memphis big men, who combined to shoot 17-for-26. Of course, that didn't stop Love from expressing some passive-aggressive finger-pointing with regards to his non-injured teammates who are being called on to play more minutes:

"I know other guys need to step up and play as hard as they can."

Way to build up your team, Kev!

Grizzlies long-range shooting: 0-11. Not a typo, not a misprint. Just bawful. Can someone check to see if the Memphis guards/wings were in on some kind of point-shaving scheme? They barely shot 30% for the game. Missing two out of every three shots can't be normal can it? Actually, looking at some of their players, I guess it is. Call off the investigation.

Houston Rockets: After jumping out to a 26-10 lead in the first quarter, the Rockets figured they'd take the next two quarters off, getting outscored 50-31. They might have complained about running out of gas after playing two overtime games in the last three nights, but I can't feel sorry for a team that let the Kings take them to OT. If you can't put the Kings away in regulation at home, you deserve everything you get.

Lamar Odom: Yes, it was very nice that Odom didn't completely crap the bed, but all the comments about his "breakout" 9-point, 4-rebound performance feels a little....excessive. His coach called it a "great step in the right direction". Sure, you might want to cheer for kids at the Special Olympics like that, but is Odom's ego so fragile that you need to fluff him for a triple-single performance? (wait, don't answer that).

Phoenix Suns: Suns take fourth quarter lead, blah, blah, blah, Spurs come back and win, blah, blah, blah, Duncan, Parker, Ginobili are a big reason why, blah, blah, blah, Nash performs well in the loss, blah, blah, blah. Are the Spurs and Suns locked in some kind of weird Groundhog Day scenario where they're forced to re-live the same game every time they meet? At least Michael Redd has been a great pickup (7ppg on 40% shooting).

Portland's "defense": Hands? Faces? Aren't they supposed to meet somewhere along the line, Portland? OKC's version of the Big Three shot a combined 32-for-47. LaMarcus Aldridge had a thought about that:

"I don't think we made things as difficult as we could have," Aldridge said. "I feel like they were just taking warm-up shots in the first half."

He's not wrong.

I'm going to hold my breath until Brown
stops benching me

Los Angeles Lakers: Facing a Warriors team that threw out a starting lineup where David Lee was the unequivocal "star", the Lakers still needed two hero shots by Bryant late in the fourth quarter to slink away with a victory. Of course, it wouldn't be fun without a little drama in LA, and Mike Brown and Andrew Bynum provided:

While Brown and Bryant never made a big deal about the benching, a similar situation is starting to brew. Center Andrew Bynum, who took a 3-pointer with plenty of time remaining on the shot clock in the third quarter, sat for the game's final 9:10 -- and suddenly seems at odds with the coach.

"I don't know what was bench-worthy about the shot, to be honest with you," said Bynum, who had 11 points and five rebounds. "I made one [in Sunday's game]. I wanted to make another one. That's it. He took offense to it, so he put me on the bench."

I made one. So I wanted to make another. I'm a 7-footer who makes 1 out of every 8 three pointers I attempt. But I wanted to make another.

Andrew Bynum and Jeremy Tyler attempt to recreate
the final scene from Requiem For a Dream

Back by popular demand is Chris' lacktion report:

Cavs-Sixers: Nicola Vucevic bricked once in 87 seconds for a +1.

Hawks-Bucks: Willie Green fouled twice, lost the rock once and also contributed a brick in 6:23 to give Atlanta a +4.

Wolves-Grizzlies: Brad Miller scrapped a steal in 2:07 only to brick and foul once each for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Rockets-Mavs: Brian Cardinal and Dominique Jones celebrated another Dallas victory with a 15 seconds Pokemon battle as MARIO BROTHERS!

Thunder-Frail Blazers: Oklahoma City's Lazar Hayward had a turnover and a brick from the US Bancorp Tower in 184 seconds for a +2.

Meanwhile, Kurt Thomas countered a board and assist in 11:10 with two fouls and turnovers each for a 4:1 Voskuhl.

Lakers-Warriors: Jeremy Tyler trashed three boards in 9:33 with two bricks, three fouls, and one lost rock for a 4:3 Voskuhl, and fellow East Oaklander Mickell Gladness botched a two-block night with a brick and a foul for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Raza’s WotW March 23-25 Extravaganza!

2012-03-26T11:31:00.000-05:00

FRIDAY:

Hey! I think I see a penny!

Now that’s what I call a basketball revolution. Get ‘em boys!

The mighty Conrholio Speaks! But mostly he just stares

Avery Johnson just remembered who he was

Damnit ball, just leave me alone!

The Charlotte Bobscraps: Sometimes I ask myself if it’s even worth putting this team on here, since they’ve probably been included on Bawful more times this season than anyone else. But if our goal is to focus purely on comedy then look no further than these guys.

Playing the Buckaneers, they gave up 72 points in the paint (not a typo).

How do you let that happen to a team whose best post up player right now is Drew Gooden? Littering the court with banana peels would have provided better defense than what the Bobscraps could muster. After witnessing this performance in Charlotte, I’m sure the crowd threw plenty.

"You have to be tough-mined as well as physically tough and if you're not, those kinds of things happen," Bobcats coach Paul Silas said. "You have to be experienced, too, and the majority of our guys are not experienced. We have to learn and we have to get better. That's just where we are right now."

That has to be the most polite way of saying “my team sucks” I have ever heard.

Speaking of the Bobscraps, to make things interesting, the NBA should entertain the idea of letting them finish out the season in the WNBA.

At least that way they can battle the New York Liberty for the 4^th spot in the east, feel somewhat competitive, and only give up half as many points in the paint.

The New York Bricks: Well, if they did one thing right on this night, it was live up to their Bawful nickname.

When the going got tough, Toronto got going by unleashing the most common of all basketball defenses to stump the Knicks.

They went zone.

And the results weren't pretty.

New York shot just 32 of 85 (38 percent) and no Knicks player made more than six field goals.

Everyone knows that one of the best ways to beat a zone defense is to hit your outside shots. Well, for NY they took plenty, and missed even more.

Going 5 for 28 from 3 point land (a percentage matching Amare’s S.A.T. score for the reading comprehension section), the Knicks were blown out in a game that was never in doubt.

According to the AP, this was also the first NBA game to be broadcast in Mandarin for North America.

I could just see the job posting when they were looking for potential broadcasters on Craigslist:

WANTED: Mandarin Speaking Basketball Commentator for the Raptors

Must at least know how to say the following in Mandarin for 2 ½ hours a night:

-       Thats hit the front of the iron
-       He’s coughed it up
-       Offensive foul
-       Raptors have cut the deficit to just 20 now
-       Focus on the draft, gear up for next season
-       Both teams played hard
-       Calderon needs rogaine
-       Bargnani at the buzzer! It’s no good

Detroit Thick Skins: Well they gotta have thick skin to put up with the type of criticism they must be getting this season.

They got blown out by the cHeat, and were down by as many as 26.

"We knew exactly how they were going to defend us, but we weren't able to do much against them," Detroit coach Lawrence Frank said. "We kept trying to move the ball through the forest of hands, and they were getting all kinds of tips and deflections.”

He also added “I, nor anyone on the team have any idea what the hell we’re doing out there.

Hopefully the fans don’t pick up on that”

Judging by the attendanceLawrence, I think they might have.

_allas Mavericks: Since there was no D whatsoever on this night against the Spurs, as they let them shoot 49% from the floor, the Mavs got smashed 87-104. Not only was their D pathetic, they only managed to shoot 38% from the floor themselves, blending the best of their 2003 era defense and 1997 offense.

Maybe they shoulda brought back this man to help in the shooting department:

Getting crushed by the Spurs at their arena is one thing. SA does have one of the top home records in the league, but letting yourselves get your asses handed to you by THIS GUY:

In that case my friends, I can’t let you off the hook.

Ginger Face went off for 14 points, nailing 4 out of 5 from three point land. He did his best Nowitzki imitation from the perimter, while Dirk did his best Playoff Bonner imitation in the third and fourth quarters.

Speaking of which…

The German Bomber: And bombed, Dirk did. After starting the game 4-6 from the floor, it felt like the Spurs were going to be in for another night of rapage from Dirk who was scorching in that first quarter.

Then San Antonio switched Stephen Jackson as well as Boris Diaw on him.

Dirk finished the night going a season worst 5-21 from the field.

Dirk saw Diaw guarding him and probably thought he was going to get eaten alive. Literally.

Lamar Odumb: Earning the first DNP-CD of his career, this guy finds all kinds of ways to hit a new low. What was once seen as a huge steal for Dallas at the beginning of the season, has now become a total distraction.

It was already bad enough that his wife wouldn’t let him take off his warm ups in bed, but now the Mavs too?

*shakes head*

Vince Quitter: In 24 bawful minutes, he managed to have just as many turnovers as field goals (one) for a total of 3 points.

As a matter of fact, D-League prospect Eric Dawson managed more points in one minute (6) than Vince the Wince managed in 24.

Hopefully Dawson enjoyed his Jeremy Lin moment.

Minny T-Pups: This game had 95% of an epic story with a happy ending for Kevin Love, who had a career high 51 point night to go with 14 rebounds against the top Western seeded Thunder.

The Wolves, who had lost Rubio a few weeks ago, had no business being in the game. The Thunder allowed Love to shoot 60% from the floor, including 7-11 from 3 point land.

The Thunder tried everything they could to stop him: double/triple teaming, having Ibaka and Perkins smother him, and playing the latest Ringo Starr album at an obnoxiously high volume.

But none of that worked.

So how do you ask, do the T-Pups find themselves in our Worst of the Weekend selection? Well that’s easy:

Everything fell apart as the Wolves went on to get blasted in the 2nd overtime, getting outscored 11 to 20.

Kudos to Love, but this gem must have made him pretty sore afterwards:

"That's my man, my main guy. Definitely talking trash out there, especially after he hit the one right in my face," ~~Ninja Turtle~~ Westbrook said.

"He said, 'In your face.' He just kept pointing, like, 'In your face, in your face.'"

No Kevin, in your face.

I’m not the only one who felt bad for the T-Pups, after the game Beasley made sure everyone was consoled and taken care of:

Derek Fisher: *whistles* What can I tell you. At first, it surprised many that the Lakers were willing to let go of Derek Fisher to the Rockets just for a decent prospect in Jordan Hill.

Considering how much he meant to the franchise in the past as a veteran leader and clutch shooter, Fisher was pretty butt-hurt for getting traded.

Ladies and Gentlemen, now I give you your 2012 Derek Fisher!

Going 2-11 from the floor, with just 5 points and 3 assists in 36 minutes, Fisher was really killing the Thunder out there. Bricks after brick after brick.

He’s old and slower than ever, but now you can really see how much Sessions is an upgrade for the Lakers if this is what they had before. I’m sure Fisher will have better games, but this season has been awful for him as he’s averaging career lows across the board.

Now, some people felt there were many times where he looked like the worst Laker on the floor earlier this season, but I’m thinking what he’s doing now is better for the Lakers than anything else he’s done for them since 2010.

He’s sabotaging the Thunder!

That’s gotta be it right? I wonder if when Fisher told Houston that he wanted a buyout and was willing to sacrifice 3.4 Million dollars that Kevin McHale popped out of that mine shaft and went “Yesssssss”.

You hope Scott Brooks won’t trust Fisher with that many minutes a night on a consistent basis, but then again, it is Scott Brooks.

SATURDAY:

Bitch, I’m a YELLOW BELT

Goran Dragic reacts to Dirk Nowitzki spoiling the second season of Game of Thrones

Coach Whittman: Did you guys know that the longest amount of time I’ve spent with a woman was an hour and 10 minutes? Keep in mind that also factors in daylight savings.

Yao Ming doing what he did best during his years for Houston: sitting on the sideline in street clothes.

The Grizz: Well, I am expecting a dead coach bounce effect to happen any day for the Clippers as Vinny finds himself on the hot seat more and more. Looks like the Clippers got a head start by pounding the Bernstein Bears jumping out to a 33-17 first quarter lead and never looking back.

In regards to Vinny, this is what Griffin had to say:

"Somebody kind of told me what was being said about him, but we're all behind him (especially if Vinny is on the edge of a cliff) and we've got to keep it that way," Griffin said. "I don't know how much we've taken from his personality (judging by their record, probably a lot), but he's an energetic coach and obviously we want to play that way. Sometimes we haven't, but we just need to keep buying in, and everybody needs to believe in each other."

The Grizz have now lost 5 out of their last 6. If Coach Hollins is aiming for another tank for the 8^th seed to face OKC, he’s doing a great job.

The Charlotte Bobscraps: Oh hey Bobscraps! Long time, no see.

In a battle of the impotents, the Nyets and Bobscraps went all out in boring the fans as Williams and co. cruised to an easy 102-89 victory. Things have become so frustrating for “Coach” Silas that he didn’t even bother to coach this game, instead letting his son Stephen Silas take over.

And in true father like son fashion, the results weren’t any different.

Desagna Diop and Najera missed the game for Charlotte due to injuries….all of their teammates were jealous.

Toronto Craptors: Playing a depleted Bulls team, the Craps looked like they had the perfect chance to steal a game at the United Center. They were up one, with Amir Johnson at the line shooting free throws with 15 seconds to go.

As expected, Johnson missed both free throws, setting the Bulls up for one last play.

Without leaking the script, I’m sure you can guess what happened:

Bulls post game reaction (via AP):

"We're lucky we had enough time to get the rebound," Deng said. "When it left my hand it felt good because I saw the light after it left my hand. But then again, you never really know. We waited until they made the decision."

Craptors post game reaction (via AP):

Queens/Furriors: Wow, this is a classic. Calling it an “error filled” debacle to close out the game is an understatement.

From AP Recap:

On any other night, David Lee's 5-second violation in the final moments might've cost the Golden State Warriors a win. It was the kind of head-scratching turnover almost nobody can top.

Except the Sacramento Kings.

Isaiah Thomas dribbled the ball of his leg attempting a crossover against Lee on the next possession, handing the Warriors a 111-108 victory in a turnover-filled finish typical of two teams at the bottom of the Pacific Division.

Look no further than the play by play to get an idea of what happened:

If BasketBawful ever gets James Cameron to put out a film based on this blog, the last 3 minutes of that fourth quarter should garner an academy award.

Bawful favorite DeMarcus Cousins had a monster game of 28 and 18. However, when the guy you build around makes plays like this on a weekly basis:

It’s no surprise that the Queens find themselves on the losing end of a lot of games.

SUNDAY:

Here’s my number, I’m in room 321

Kyrie: Why the hell is this guy holding my hand?

Rondo getting into character to play Jaffar in the new Aladdin musical

The Cavadeers: Well, mama always told me there would be days like these.

She just didn’t tell me that they’d be this embarrassing.

The Cavs got blown out by the Suns who trailed by as many as 28. Shooting just 38% from the game, Cleveland was never even close in this one.

Marcin Gortat scored the first 10 points, as the Suns just ripped through this one for the easy victory.

"He ate us alive," Byron Scott said. "I don't know if Tristan didn't know that much about him or if he didn't realize that the guy is a pretty good player. Gortat has been playing well all season long."

Wait, don’t all NBA teams have a scouting staff? So you know which players to key in on? Not saying that Tristan shouldn’t know about Gortat, but you’d think they’d discuss this in the gameplan somewhere? Right?

But then again the words “Cavs” and “Gameplan” have never been used in the same sentence until now.

Denver McNuggets: Instead of focusing on the Nuggs getting their butts whooped, let’s focus on what really makes Denver so fun and exciting this season (even if for all the wrong reasons):

JaVale McGee!

According to buzzfeed.com here are 21 reasons why you should follow McGee on twitter. These include his views on health, gender inequality, gangster mothers, owning a DJ Roomba (!), and how Jack n Jill was apparently hilarious:

Pure Gold

And we’re not done yet, here’s Javale McGee getting heckled by a donkey:

At this rate he should change his name from JaVale McGee to JaVale Magoo.

Philly 1776’ers: Prior to this game, Philly’s record in games played in San Antonio was a tidy 1-23 since the 1987 season.

Juding by that statistic, you’d think the Sixers would rename the Spurs arena to “San Antonio’s Bedroom” since that’s where they like to go when they wanna get f*cked in SA.

And boy, did they ever.

Managing just 41% shooting to a Spurs team playing its third game in just as many nights, the Sixers got blown out in the second half. Scoring just 27 points in the second half would’ve been great for 1942, but 2012?…..not so much.

I get that the Sixers had no Iggy, but San Antonio played sans Duncan (DNP-OLD).

The Sixers had to deal with the monstrous frontline for the Spurs that ended up being the Turd Towers (Bonner/Blair). To make matters worse, Philly shot just 45% from the free throw line.

Looks like those Shaquille O’Neal Free Throw Shooting Kits really do work:

ON SALE NOW!

Utah Mormons: You know what sucks more than sitting through 4 quarters of a Jazz/Hawks game?

Sitting through 4 quarters and four overtimes of a Jazz/Hawks game.

This was a game that saw 136 missed shots, 82 free throws, 68 fouls, and 54 minutes of Zaza Pachulia.

And have I mentioned that the teams were a combined 2 of 16 from the field in the first overtime?

Their combined four points tied for 2nd-fewest in NBA history in an overtime period.

Best news for the Mormons who lost after slugging it out for all those minutes?

They get to play again Monday night.

Miami cHeat: Well that was awesome.

The Heat got outrebounded, outshot, and outclassed all the way to a 87-103 loss to the Thunder.

It’s one thing when you let Durant (11-20 from the field, 28 points) murder you, but letting KENDRICK FREAKIN’ PERKINS go 8-11 from the field?!?!?

Then again, if I saw a guy who looked like this, I’d probably let him do whatever he wanted around the basket too.

In other Heat news, Antoine Walker was forced to sell his championship ring thanks to racking nearly $13 Million in debt.

Life hasn’t been too kind to Walker in recent years. This was the same guy who unfortunately got robbed a few years ago at gunpoint.

If there’s a positive about that story, it’s that it marked the only time Walker didn’t allow his man to get a shot off.

Derek Fisher: His name belongs here because he had just as many points in 18 minutes in this game as I did from my couch. Not to go overboard with the Fisher looking old thing, but let’s be serious for a second. On the court this guy looks like he’s just a few weeks away from wearing those old man diapers.

If the Thunder go on to win the championship, you know they’ll play up the whole “veteran presence” angle for Fisher.

I can just see the tagline for the Thunder Championship DVD featuring Fisher and the rest of the team:

They changed his diapers, he changed their lives.

Should be a Disney film in no time.

Los Angeles Flakers: Taking on the Care Bears, the Lakers kept it relatively close in the third quarter, but slowly let the game slip away, falling to the Grizz 96-102.

Shooting 40% against a potential playoff opponent just isn’t going to cut it. Since acquiring Sessions, the Lakers are officially playing .500 ball (3-3 since the trade).

Kobe Bryant getting benched courtesy of Mike B:

Despite the Lakers getting strong shooting percentages from Kobe and Bynum, Gasol’s 4-14, and ~~Metta World Peace~~ Ron Artest going 2-9 is just asking for a loss in the worst kind of way.

Speaking of Ron Artest, I close this novel of a post with a trip down memory lane:

Hope you all had a great weekend.

Chris's Lacktation Report:

Friday:

Cavs-Magic: Semih Erden bricked once in 8:35 for a +1.

Meanwhile, Daniel Orton dropped a piece of masonry on Lake Eola in 119
seconds and also lost the rock once for a +2 and a 1:0 Madsen-level
Voskuhl.

Suns-Pacers: Indiana's AJ Price cashed a quick cartridge exchange at
Gamestop for just 8 seconds for a SUPER MARIO!

Nyets-Hawks: New Jersey's Sundiata Gaines had 16 seconds to evade Koopa
shells for a Mario.

Meanwhile, Jason Collins countered 2 boards in 13:45 with three fouls
and two bricks for a 3:2 Voskuhl, and Jerry Stackhouse stacked up 2.7
trillion worth of bank notes (164 seconds).

Heat-Pistons: James Jones hit a jackpot at the MGM Grand with a 7.6
trillion (455 seconds).

Celtics-Sixers: Sam Young earned Philly a cool exact 2 trillion!

Wolves-Thunder: Anthony Randolph lost the rock once in 44 seconds for a
+1 and Mario, while fellow puppy Brad Miller negated an assist with a
foul in 3:46 for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Mavs-Spurs: Brian Cardinal fouled once in 260 seconds for a +1, the
same suck differential Dominique Jones earned in 124 seconds via brick.

San Antonio's Boris Diaw dished out perfection from the field (on one
attempt) and three boards in 15:53 only to foul four times and lose the
rock twice for a 6:5 Voskuhl.

Nuggets-Jazz: Denver's Julyan Stone prospected a cool 2.4 trillion (144
seconds).

Enes Kanter was musical from one attempt on the field in 7:43, but that
and a board could not overcome two fouls and turnovers in a 4:3 Voskuhl.

Frail Blazers-Lakers: Troy Murphy mired himself in a +1 via foul in 160
seconds that also earned a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Saturday:

Grizzlies-Clippers: Trey Thompkins lost the rock once in 91 seconds to
give Donald Sterling a +1.

Hawks-Generals: Jason Collins provided the dirty birds with 6.2
trillion in celebratory cash (374 seconds).

Bobcats-Nyets: Cory Higgins can buy new shoes with his 1.7 trillion
payday (102 seconds).

In that same timespan, Sundiata Gaines bricked once for a +1 and Jerry
Smith also collected cash, but in the form of rubles.

Mavs-Rockets: Houston's Courtney Fortson bricked twice (once from
[downtown Houston]) and fouled in 264 seconds for a +3.

Purple Paupers-Warriors: East Oakland's Jeremy Tyler trashed one board
and field goal in 9:58 with four fouls and a turnover to earn a 5:3
Voskuhl.

Sunday:

Generals-Celtics: Edwin Ubiles was unproductive in 344 seconds with a +2 via bricks for Washington.

Meanwhile, E'Twaun Moore (via foul in 171 seconds) and JaJuan Johnson (via brick in 167 seconds) each earned +1 suck differentails for Boston, and Sasha Pavlovic took home a 2.8 trillion (167 seconds).

Jazz-Hawks: Just because it took FOUR overtimes to resolve this game doesn't mean Jason Collins can't do his normal stuff for Atlanta, managing only one assist in 8:38 that was marred by a near-foulout for a 5:0 Voskuhl.

El (Oh El) Heat-Thunder: James Jones jacked up three bricks, with two from...Bricktown...to earn a +3 in 216 seconds.

Nick Collison was perfect on a singular attempt from the field in 18:34 but fouled and bricked twice each for a 4:2 Voskuhl. Reggie Jackson slugged one visit to Bricktown in 74 seconds for a +1 - the same timespan it took Cole Aldrich and Royal Ivey to bring home 1.4 trillion! Also striking it rich was Lazar Hayward with a 2 trillion (119 seconds).

Warriors-Frail Blazers: Jeremy Tyler toiled as East Oakland's starting big man, botching two boards in 8:41 with 3 fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl. Mickell Gladness unhappily bricked once and fouled thricely in 238 seconds for a +4 and a 3:0 Voskuhl, and Keith Benson banked a 4 trillion (242 seconds).

Grizzlies-Lakers: Dante Cunningham culled a single piece of masonry in 64 seconds for a +1.

The Lakers matched that suck differential with Troy Murphy's brick from Olvera Street in 305 seconds.

Matt's Worst of the Night: March 22, 2012

2012-03-23T13:28:00.001-05:00

(Thanks to guest author Matt for today's writeup!)

"Maybe if I ignore him, he'll go away. Forever."

Indiana Pacers: The Best Kept Secret decided to keep their offense a secret in the first half, scoring a whopping 31 points (while letting their opponent rack up a 20 point halftime lead). The bench was a sparkling 6-for-22 from the field (1-for-6 from long distance). Of course, hope was not lost, because they had the good fortune to be playing…

…The Generals: Who decided that they had done enough scoring in the first half and made only 11 field goals in the second. They gave up three offensive rebounds in the final minute to a guy who had dislocated a finger in the previous quarter. And, in the most General-ly way possible, they lost the game when Wall decided to put up the game-tying shot (which was successful) after the game clock had run out. Enjoy the clip here (fast-forward to the 1:27 mark) -

Fortunately, Wall was kind enough to throw his teammates under the bus, with the following quote:

"I tried to create something," Wall said, "but there wasn't enough spacing for me to create."

I'm not sure what Wall was seeing, since his teammates seemed to be running the four corners offense without the ball. Maybe if he hadn't dribbled from the foul line to 30 feet from the hoop back to foul line in the final three seconds, he might have had time to get the shot off before the buzzer.

Wizards basketball: It's FAAAAAN-tastic!!!!!

The Clippers: Are they becoming the team we always thought they were, but then thought they weren't, but now we think they are again? Chris Paul does understand that he doesn't still play for the Hornets, right? Maybe he should have done all the fancy handshakes and bro-hugs before the game instead of during (five personal fouls). The Clips did have a three point lead going into the fourth quarter, but then somebody messed with the rims or something, because they shot an outstanding 4-for-23 in the final quarter. Overall, they shot less than 40% from the field, less than 20% from 3-point range, and less than 65% from the line. It's like they decided to be the opposite of Steve Nash.

Jason Smith:

Sheesh, I think Smith would have been whistled for two minutes for boarding if he tried this stunt in the NHL. According to Smith, he was just trying to cut off his lane to the basket. You know, by hip-checking him from behind.

DeAndre Jordan: With the shot clock running down, everyone knows that DeAndre Jordan is the guy you want taking the shot. Assuming, of course, that "everyone" means "the opposing team". I may not be the best player in the world, but I can hit the rim from three feet away. Alas, that was too much to ask of Mr. Jordan. (yes, I know he hit his other seven shots, but c'mon…)

Golden State: One game after snapping a four-game losing streak, the Tru Wariers decided there was no time like the present to start a new one. They were only down eight at the half, but were outscored 53-36 in the second half to lose going away. Outrebounded 48-31, nobody on the team had more than six rebounds. To rub salt in the wound, Samuel Dalembert had this to say after the game:

"I saw an opportunity to go in and just go out there and kill them on the boards."

When Dalembert is licking his chops at the prospect of rebounding against you, you know you've got a problem.

Chase Budinger: 0-for-7 in 26 minutes is no way to go through a game against the Warriors, son.

Milwaukee Bucks: That crashing sound you heard was the Bucks' six game winning streak ending. Of course, since they were playing the Celtics instead of the Little Sisters of the Poor like they had been for the past half-dozen games, it wasn't that much of a surprise. Also not a surprise: Ellis shooting 6-for-18. Hey, his position ain't "making guard".

Memphis Grizzlies: Fighting for a playoff spot against a team that had lost eight games this month by double digits (and an average deficit of 20 points in those losses), the Care Bears lost. They did this despite having more points in the paint, more fastbreak points, more rebounds, and fewer turnovers. They just picked a bad time to let Portland make every shot (literally) from the free-throw line. C'mon, Grizzlies, you gotta put a hand in the face at all times. You can't give them that much space when they're shooting from the charity stripe!

Mormon Musicians: They got dominated on the boards (giving up 18 and 15 to Cousins and Thompson, respectively), gave up 70 points in the paint and went only 3-for-17 from deep. Jamaal Tinsley had the Tinsley-est game ever (3-for-10 with eight assists and one turnover). Down the stretch, they went almost nine minutes without making a field goal, but escaped with a win when Devin "Playoffs" Hester airballed a shot that Jefferson gathered and put in with less than a second to play. Of course, Harris claimed that it was a pass all along. I do that in my pickup games and nobody believes me there, either.

Excremento Kings: Of course the Kings lost this one. Despite so many stats (12-for-21) being in their favor, I just can't figure out how they could have let this one slip away (12-for-21). Maybe I should take a (12-for-21) closer look at the box score. Hmmm, I wonder how they shot from the free throw line? In a one-point game. I wonder.

Keith Smart: Assessed for a technical foul in the fourth quarter while your opponent is struggling to score. In a one-point game. That's not smart, Keith!

Darko Milicic:

C'mon, even you think I'm a bust? Mom?!?

(Chris: Well, Rick Adelman says so, with the subtlety only a great coach can offer up (courtesy The Basketball Jones) -

“He’s gotten himself out of shape, and I don’t think he’s been as driven as you’d like.”

Yep. Darko Milicic, a man with more titles combined than John Stockton, Karl Malone, and Charles Barkley, everyone!!!)