1. • RONI: Here comes the clerk. You know what you want. You won’t be upsold. You won’t show your hand. You… are in CONTROL.
   • DAN: YES. OK.
2. • GUITARPLANET CLERK: Hey, you guys find-
   • DAN: HERE! MY CREDIT CARD HAS A $5,000 LIMIT! TAKE IT!
3. • A pause.
4. • RONI: You… are no longer in control.

1. • RONI: OK, you’re here to buy a Fender Standard Strat. NOTHING ELSE. You’re on a budget. You won’t be upsold or DISTRACTED.
   • DAN: RIGHT!
2. • DAN: Ooo, that one in the window’s nice though… Wonder how much…
3. • RONI: Which one?
   • DAN: That big, blue GLOWING one…
4. • RONI: That’s a NEON SIGN, Dan! Keep it together, man!!
   • DAN: Still… wouldn’t hurt to ASK…

They’ll be back on starting next week. Expect two new ones each week.

I’d like to have more, but I’ll be busy in October, working as a full-time volunteer organizer for the Obama campaign.

Neat!

1. • RONI: So you gonna let this guitar salesperson PUSH YOU AROUND?
   • DAN: Aw HELL no! I’M gonna be runnin’ this conversation, bitches!
2. • RONI: And you’re not gonna bend over and pay STICKER PRICE, are you?
   • DAN: Damn STRAIGHT! I’m gonna be negotiatin’ that fucktard until he meets MY price!
3. • A pause.
4. • DAN: Though to be quite honest, I’ve heard this kind of tough talk outta me before.

1. • DAN: I found the guitar I want online. I sorta wanna buy it in person, but… I haven’t been to a store in 5 years.
   • RONI: Really, why?
2. • DAN: Look around my room, Roni. I have LOW SALES RESISTANCE.
   • RONI: That does explain why you needlessly own a SEALY POSTURPEDIC.
3. • DAN: No, it explains why that is one of FOUR Posturpedics I own.
4. • RONI: Where do-
   • DAN: I store the rest in a rat-infested timeshare I bought in rural Alabama.

1. • JOHN: …and if you get another guitar, we can even do the thing where we make the audience wait while you switch them.
2. • DAN: Don’t they hate that?
   • JOHN: Audience golden rule: what they HATE, they RESPECT.
3. • DAN: Even that night at Rockwood? That was all… respect.
   • JOHN: Oh, totally. TOTAL respect.
4. • DAN: Even that old handicapped woman?
   • JOHN: Well, yeah, you gotta, y’know, read between the fistfights.

Note: Rockwood Music Hall is actually a lovely venue on the Lower East Side of New York City that rarely features belligerent old women.

1. • DAN: Oh hey, before we get started, my guitar’s out of tune.
2. • JOHN: OK.
3. • JOHN: So… you gonna start tuning it?
   • DAN: Oh no, that’d take me hours.
4. • DAN: I was just sorta giving a heads up that I’m gonna sound shitty.

1. • KEVIN EDO: Um… I dunno if I “planned” to be a rock star. I mean… did you “plan” to do your job?
   • SEX TAPE STUDENT: Well, I go to grad school right now.
2. • KEVIN EDO: Oh yeah? What for?
   • SEX TAPE STUDENT: I’m learning how to blackmail rock stars with sex tapes.
3. • SEX TAPE STUDENT: Fucking you is part of my independent study course actually.
4. • KEVIN EDO: So that’s why you had me fill out this little survey.
   • SEX TAPE STUDENT: And can you sign this? My professor’s a real timesheet Nazi.

1. • GREG: This is my iPod. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My iPod is my life. Without it, I am useless. Without me, it is useless…
2. • GREG: My iPod and I know what counts is not music reviews, or the noise of Pitchfork… it’s the hits that count. Before Steve Jobs, we swear this creed…
3. • GREG: My iPod and I are masters of my enemies, defenders of my questionable taste, saviors of my life…
4. • GREG: So be it, until there is no enemy… but only Feist.

1. • KEVIN EDO: So I have to have dinner with some MUSIC REVIEWER from a magazine?
   • ANTHONY THE AGENT: He’s not with a magazine.
2. • ANTHONY THE AGENT: He’s part of the ENTHUSIAST PRESS: bloggers, podcasters, fanboys… they’re just like actual journalists, but they have LESS INTEGRITY and own MORE MEMORABILIA.
3. • KEVIN EDO: But why DINNER? Let’s just bribe his parent company!
   • ANTHONY THE AGENT: He has no parent company, Kevin! We gotta use PERSONAL INTERACTION with these guys. Blind ‘em with star power.
4. • KEVIN EDO: (sigh) It used to be so EASY to buy reviews.
   • ANTHONY THE AGENT: Just pretend you respect him for a coupla minutes… y’know… like we do with Congressmen…