Battersea Darlings

The Long Weekend..

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 08:14:00 +0000

Given all the birthday celebrating and late nights sponsored by Majestic Wine, the Battersea Darlings decided they should treat themselves to a long weekend, after pin holes eyes are hardly no 1 on Mr Right's wish list.

Plans were to pamper, beautify and chill out, but as the famous saying goes "best laid plans".....What the weekend really consisted of was copious amounts of wine, food and Ab Fab! That said, every cloud has a silver lining and if anything, after watching two series of Absolutely Fabulous the Battersea Darlings decided their life was tame in comparison and so in homage to Edina and Patsy decided to head out for a "ladies lunch".

After doing what Edina and Patsy do best, (a wine and tapas filled lunch at The River Cafe) the Darlings headed to Canary Wharf to check out the bankers and their flexible friends. After a few bars and not much success in terms of rich young men (sugar daddies a plenty) the Darlings headed to Covent Garden to meet their friend and catch up over some Moule Frites at Belgo's.

However said friend was a no show and, in a frankly odd turn of events, The Darlings ended up dining with her friends aka complete strangers. Lucky we're the sort to get stuck in. On the plus side these friends were also all male and rather charming. Cue an on-the-decision to create a Debate Club to invite them to... as you do...

Once again, every cloud....

Belated Birthday Blog

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 14:35:00 +0000

Apologies for the belated blog but celebrating a Darling’s 30^{th is no mean feat and even harder to recover from, particularly when extended over two celebrations and a mid week visit to Movida.}

Take me out… or not.

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 14:39:00 +0000

Last night, the Battersea Darlings both set out on first dates in a bid to meet the man of their dreams. Or if that didn’t work our a free feed.

Darling#1 stuck to what she knows best with a trip to Battersea Rise in store for her rather perturbing date. Having just made it back in time from Gatwick, #1 was alarmed to discover the date had no idea where to go when suggestion Clapham Junction as a meeting point. Cue a trip to The Establishment and a delicious dinner of sea bream for the lady and the roast lamb for the (not so gentle) man. The date in question had been met in Aquum as a result of the previous weekend’s escapades. Not the ideal venue to find a man but a date’s a date. Whilst sufficiently adoring of Darling#1, the look of horror on his face when he found out current reading material was David Copperfield and his constant fawning interspersed with ‘babe’ and ‘honey’ was not to Darling#1’s satisfaction. Probably didn’t help matters that Darling#1 repeatedly flirted with the waiter (cannot recommend the service highly enough!) … well When in Rome…

That said, he’s a broker with a delightfully large balance so second date is more thank likely on the cards.

Battersea Darling #2 being the more adventurous of the two, opted for a trip to Shoreditch with her mystery Blind Date. Schlepping across London to arrive late and sweaty was perhaps not the ideal start but drinks at All Star Lanes at

Brick Lane

soon dispersed the tension (and the sweat).

Blind Date had laid down the gauntlet with a challenge to see who could discover the quirkiest bar. First up, The Breakfast Club. Led through a Smeg fridge to an underground bar where entry was gained by mentioning ‘the major’ to the obliging chap at the bar. Tres fun but the real winner was Callooh Callay for a Narnia style experience with entry through a wardrobe. (Note to Self, Battersea Darlings must transform front door… thinking telephone box?).

Despite the free drinks, Blind Date walked like Phil Mitchell… nice try Phil but we’re more a Grant fan.

Live in dreams Sunday Girl

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 09:32:00 +0000

As one can imagine, Sunday saw a continuation of the weekend theme, which was if you haven’t already guessed getting absolutely trollied and consuming vats of wine.

After a rather slow start to the day consisting of mostly trying to trace the previous night’s movements and the missing honorary Darling, the Battersea Darlings met North London Lush at The Victoria so that she could retrieve her belongings and the darlings could concentrate on what they do best: drinking.

After a few cheeky bottles on an unlined stomach Darling#1 made a wise decision to invest in one of The Victoria's roasts before venturing to Lavender Hill to continue the binge and try out Battersea Music and Mess hall. With 50% off food and a chance to try out the new kitchen, it seemed an opportunity not to be missed. Having worked up quite the appetite Darling#2 was looking forward to some food and trying out this new venue much to the Darlings dismay the kitchen was closed. Disappointing to say the least. However the interior and ambiance was quirky yet elegant and much preferable to the previous Walkabout. Add the fact that they didn't have wine glasses so we were requested to drink out of champagne flutes, well when in Rome.......

Now a blog by us would not be complete without a small love life update. Darling#1’s Enduring Love had yet to return the mandatory drunken calls and texts. A swift voicemail was left followed by deletion of number. This was only remembered Monday morning when Enduring Love texted to say he had left his phone at a friend’s for the weekend. Embarrassing, much?

Darling#2 meanwhile had taken swift vengeance on Mr Never Called After First Date. Multiple abusive texts later and he is still to respond. Still, no deletion as a friend of Facebook so it can’t all be bad!

What with the combination of no food and three bottles of wine Darling#2 was struggling to keep her eyes open and having given the liver a good old battering, the Darlings ventured to Mien Tay for some delicious food (its one of our Battersea favourites) and of course some more liquid gold, that goes without saying, non? The other diners were in for a treat, what with Darling#1 interrupting two diners intimate meal with her take on their conversation and Darling#2 spilling her prawn crackers all over them and the floor.....

No alcohol to be imbibed on Monday. FACT.

Battersea Darlings hit up Fez Club

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 15:11:00 +0000

Darling#2 was very much looking forward to the big blow out that she had planned with university friends…..once she got over Friday night’s hangover that was. That said, there’s nothing like a bit of retail therapy on the King's Road to get rid of afore mentioned hangover. A number of purchases made by both Battersea Darlings and all in all a successful trip, apart from Darling#1's lack of party dress for the impending 30^th. More on this to come in later blogs. Venue booked, wine order negotiated, dress suggestions welcome!

Roll on wine o'clock, and a lovely dinner (Darling#1 was particularly pleased to have not contracted food poisoning unlike the last time Darling#2 pretended she was Delia Smith). First bottle of red was sunk upon the arrival of Honorary Battersea Darling Shepherd’s Bush Sheila. This moved rapidly on to some Blossom Hill with the arrival of Honorary Battersea Darling 2, North London Lush, followed up with some vodka, nothing like mixing your drinks on a night out. Party dresses donned and suitably glammed up the Battersea Darlings, Shepherd’s Bush Sheila and North London Lush headed to Fez Club in Putney for a night of drunken dancing and hazy memories. How pleased we were to discover a wealth of photographic evidence the next day.

As with all good nights, Darling#2 and Shepherd’s Bush Sheila ended theirs in the local kebab shop at 5am in the morning (we shan’t elaborate but it involved a row and hidden chicken nuggets); North London Lush had as usual gone AWOL, (why change the habit of a lifetime) and had made her way to Tottenham Court Road. Goodness knows what time Darling#1 made it home. Nothing like a drunken tour of London on a Saturday night, especially when you can't remember it and have to piece your whereabouts together the next morning through the use of receipts and bus tickets.

All in all another amazing evening out with the Battersea Darlings.

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 13:47:00 +0000

Ah, Friday night and the chance to stay in, relax with some food and a film. For most people anyway.

For the Battersea Darlings, a quiet night in resulted in 2 bottles of Sauvignon Blanc swiftly polished off, with a chicken salad (we have figures to watch after all… watch increase judging by the calorie content of wine).

Cue another two bottles of red being put to rest (if nothing else, we do significantly contribute to the recycling of glass).

Most people would have called it a night there and then. Not us. Darling#1 and Darling#2 donned flasher macs and stalked off to the closest offie. Cue Darling#2 yelling out to the charming chap in the shop ‘Whass yer best deal??’ which, apart from being hugely unnecessary as the shop makes our cupboard under the stairs look roomy, was mightily embarrassing for refined Darling#1.

Luckily, once back we discovered a classic Trevor Nelson compilation album that featured not one but two Craig David gems. What more could two girls need to dance along to whilst consuming that all important fifth bottle.

It all gets a bit hazy from there on in…

Suffice to say that when the Battersea Darlings turned on the sound system next morning, they were greeted with ‘Backstreets Back’. Alright?

Getting Quizzical

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 10:47:00 +0000

Darling#2's week seems to only be getting better, following on from the hair disaster earlier in the week, now compounded by a trapped nerve in her right arm, which also happens to be her drinking arm..... Clearly this is not ideal for her planned weekend activities of partying with uni friends at Putney Fez but one shall persevere, especially as if anything can dull such a pain it would be the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol.

With that in mind and with all of the managers out of the office, a boozy pub lunch in planned for this afternoon, purely for medicinal purposes, well they do say, when the cat's away......

Darling#1 in the meantime continued her quest to resurrect her lovelife. Having given up on Enduring Love, Darling#1 is now pursuing a Flash in the Pan. Luckily, The One That Never Was bbm'd conveniently with a date now set up for next week (catch up - a flirtation nearly a year ago now that never quite took off... he is terribly good looking though...) So far so good on the quest front.

Last night saw the arrival of the much anticipated Party Superstore quiz at The Victoria, in aid of the charity Street Kids Rescue. The Battersea Darlings managed to round up a team of five including Lavender Hill Lovie, which grew to six when we recruited a random stranger. Said stranger was quite the recruit spending most of the evening on her I-phone googling answers - no one said we couldn't use our initiative (read cheating) to win......

As one can imagine and only hope, many bottles of wine were consumed, fuel for the brain obviously! A number of entertaining challenges ensued, including limbo, playdo modelling and blind taste testing. However, despite using our initiative to help us claim 1st position and a bar tab we still only came fourth, that said much better than our performance on Sunday.

The evening ended back at the Darlings apartment with a couple drunken friends. Having adopted the rule "Eating is Cheating" there was much need for food, in the form of multiple bacon sandwiches but the night was still young and so ensued dancing on the coffee tables with copious amounts of wine....After all Thursday is the new Friday.

The result: A brilliant night had by all and a matching Friday morning hangover . Darling#1 left the house with eyeliner on just the one eye. Not rocking a new trend, just the result of too much plonk... oh dear.

Roll on the weekend!

Battersea Darlings – a damp squib of an evening

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 14:05:00 +0000

So last night... Darling#2 spent the majority of last night de-moulding her clothes and shoes after discovering that her bedroom had a unwelcome visitor (and not the normal unwelcome male visitor) but one in the form of damp. This was not exactly what she had planned for her evening activities but needs must…One can only wear the same top for so many nights in a row, especially when the paps are out and about to name and shame (facebook paps but we’re aspirational people).

It also resulted in a less than satisfactory best start to the day involving an early morning run in with the landlord who claims that the reason for the damp is down to the fact that the Battersea Darlings have too many clothes and shoes……….and there we were thinking a girl couldn't have too many shoes!?!

Darling#1 meanwhile spent her evening pining after Enduring Love, who is seeming more and more like Not That Bothered Love. Sort of clashes with the Helpless Romantic that is Darling#1. #1 will continue to persist until restraining order is issued – surely the way to a man’s heart?

The Ex would also appear to be pining slightly less than one had hoped. Bring on the alternative back up options. Or alternatively, roll on Friday at Bunga Bunga and fresh meat. Watch out, cougar on the prowl.

Roll on 5pm, airfreshener and the much needed glass (read bottle) of wine!

The ups and browns of life

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 19:53:00 +0000

Another 24 hours with the Battersea Darlings.

As you may remember, Darling#1 had been musing over her potential date with Enduring Love. Hope still held despite drinking and dialling. Sadly the only thing enduring about last night was the said date enduring at the office (or so we hope). Back to the drawing board, or at least to the back ups. Cue night in trying to make flat less squalid. Result, it now looks like the inside of a Park Lane flat with squatters, not a Brixton crack den. No disrespect Brixton, word.

In the meantime, Darling#2 visited the hairdresser for a few wines and a new look. Lauren Conrad/Jennifer Aniston here she comes http://www.celebritypicnic.com/lauren-conrad/images# . Sadly a few more wines may have been imbibed by the hairdresser than by Darling#2 as the result is more Jennifer Hudson than Jennifer Aniston. 'Sophisticated' and 'Edwardian' were the verdicts in the office, answers on a postcard for what they were really trying to say. Upshot of the situation is that plenty of fake tan has been purchased to counteract the Goth effect. Needless to say, we shall be updating on who has the more fun, Blondes or Edwardian Brunettes. Place your bets...

Roll on Thursday and the Battersea Darlings attending a charity pub quiz in aid of the nominated charity and local favourite, soon to reopen Party Superstore in Clapham Junction. £5 at the Victoria, Clapham Junction. A most charming quizmaster and no cheats allowed. Be there, and beat us. Re-visit the Battersea Darlings for an update, or pop along....

The preparation begins….

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 13:29:00 +0000

Hello Monday afternoon, and with it a Monday night full of promise for the Battersea Darlings.

For Darling#2, a much anticipated visit to her hair guru with a much needed top up of vino. Much needed after a morning of alcohol comedown despite a sausage bap, neither of which are an ideal start to the week. Still, having glimpsed a woman asleep at the bus stop, we’re just thankful to have made it into work vaguely coherent.

Roll on 6pm and the horrendously long task of converting brittle blonde to glorious glossy caramel and honey tones. It is however an experience not to be missed, especially given the hairdresser in question’s dad walks around in the nuddy and he is not exactly Brad Pitt Photo update en route tomorrow. The hair, not the dad.

Meanwhile, Darling#1 is contemplating the proposed date with Enduring Love. Having perhaps accidentally called once or twice more than intended over an inebriated weekend, Enduring Love has yet to be in touch to organise details. What a shocker. Darling#1 now faces an afternoon dilemma of whether to follow up or wait for the gentleman to be in touch. It could be a long wait. Watch this space Dear Reader, and pray for the best.

The upside is that a much needed night in will allow for some much needed cleaning given the Battersea Darlings flat currently resembles, and smells like, a crack den. This despite the Italian cleaner doing his best for the majority of Sunday morning. Shows what havoc Sunday drinking can inflict.

In the meantime, plans for Darling#2’s birthday celebrations are progressing well with a night at Battersea’s newest hotspot Bunga Bunga planned. Trial run scheduled in for this Friday… fingers crossed for Berlusconi we say.

Updates to follow on twitter @batterseadarlin

What does week 3 bring

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 22:30:00 +0000

So Darling#2 has just asked me to post that she is planning a big blow out. One hopes this is unrelated to the afore mentioned date.

Regardless, she is making the transition from Essex blonde to Californian style Jennifer Aniston. Apparently a hair colour can take you from reality show fame to Hollywood harlot. Watch this space for a photo update.

Meanwhile Darling#1 has a potential date tomorrow night with Enduring Love. A little perturbed by his refusal to respond to my weekend texts and calls but then perhaps one should be grateful for not being slapped with a restraining order. Never was very good with the whole 'Playing it Cool' approach.

Battersea darlings are contemplating a no drinking in the week rule. Concerned that we will have little to say to each other, let alone to you Dear Reader.

Roll on tomorrow's updates, sponsored by Jacob's Creek.

Week 2 in blogs: Brick Lane Festival, Retirement Drinks and a Roast with Randoms

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 21:59:00 +0000

Another weekend with the Battersea Darlings.

Where to start. To follow up from a weekend at the Church, what better than Retirement drinks. Am I ashamed of getitng drunk at these? I'm sure its what she would have wanted...

In the meantime Darling#2 has been on a date. He's not mainstream but he does share his name with a member of boy band Blue. Enough said. All went well. Until another question about rear entry. Needless to say this was not an engineer with a technical query.

In other news, Brick Lane Festival kicked off Saturday. Cue Battersea Darlings smelling of Cider and curry. Surely the human version of catnip? No? Well, we are still single.

6 hours on, coherency is as rare and treasured as a De Beers diamond and comes with about as much sweat and tears. Darling#2 is in a Brick Lane flat with 'new friends', meanwhile Darling#1 is treating the cab driver to an impromptu version of the Jeremy Kyle Show. Well, if you will share your life story...

Needless to say Darling#2 emerged at 2pm today. Perfect timing for a Sunday Roast at the local. Bless it. We pay its mortgage and the staff still can't muster a smile for us. Bring on the pub quiz.

The Battersea Darlings came second to last, limping in slowly after a stroke victim and his carer. I think. Controversial but the voice of a bitter former academic struggling from a lack of knowledge of 1980#s film strap lines. Based on the size of their roasts, i am the bigger person. No wooden spoon. Despite the hope....

Darling~2 remains undaunted. Same place, same time, next week. Watch this space

Boobies on the beat

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 21:38:00 +0000

Standard weekend for the Battersea Darlings.

It started off with a Times crossword in the sunshine. 2pm heralded the Call of Kumala. We never said we were rich

Skip to 3pm and the Battersea Darlings are 2 bottles better off. Joined by a Lavender Hill Lovie. X factor to follow, sorry to say that no one recollects Kelly and Tulisa's musings on the state of the music industry. Roll on 10pm and we are dancing on chairs with people we have never met and can barely see. 12 Jagermeisters each later and the world is a better place. Darling#1 leaves to meet Enduring Love (more to follow in later posts but safe to say Enduring Love does not equal Enduring Relationship).

Jump to Sunday Morning. Darling #1 walks in to front room (Enduring Love constitutes one night at least). Cue introduction to random man #1 (RM#1) (random man #2 leaves after a swift indescretion involving rear entry). Darling#2 in state of shock. Given manners are free, the Battersea Darlings and Lavender Hill Lovie, plus RM#1 head off to super chic Le Pot Lyonnais on Queenstown Road. Bloody Mary's and an invite to the church @Clapham Grand. Who can resist. When in Rome....

Fast forward, 5pm, rain drenched, saturated (that's alcohol not the rain) and Darling#1 is on the hunt for more booze at a local bar. Darling#2 is on the hunt for locals to buy her alcohol after the local Sainsbury's has tried to up the tone by refusing to serve her.

The punch line?

Rm#1 is an £85 an hour male escort and Detective Constable who buys drugs undercover. What else. Lucky we have insider information on Mafia run Gelaterias (more on that in later posts).

AA helpline googled.

Welcome to Battersea

noreply@blogger.com (batterseadarlings) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 21:11:00 +0000

This is not the Battersea of the recent riots. Nor is it the Battersea of the rich and privileged. This is a story of two girls searching for the dream, pounding the streets of Battersea in search of a husband, alcohol and fun, in no particular order.

This is the story of our dreams, but realistically, and sadly, our reality. Our loves, losses, but more importantly successes (we hope this to be the bread and butter of our blog).

Feedback, comments and help are all most welcome. Abuse may be returned.

If you like, please spread the word. For legal reasons, MOST names will be changed. If your name is not, you should have been a bit nicer.

Thank you and goodbye, we hope to see you soon.

xxx