Hi Karen,

I’ve been meaning to drop you a line recently but keep forgetting, I’m sorry.  Baxter is doing great.    Now that the weather has cleared up, we leave him outside in the backyard whenever we have to go out.  He is far happier now that crate has been put away and having the extra freedom.   He has discovered that he can fit through the cat door with a little bit of perseverance and effort so he clambers through and spends most of the time licking the cat bowl!  It is hilarious sitting inside and listening to him trying to get through.  We will be closing the cat door soon as the garage is going to start getting hot, but he is enjoying the left overs at the moment.

He has settled in so well, that I am able to walk him off leash most of the time, both around our neighborhood and when we take him out hiking or to the parks.  It is fun to watch him sprint to catch up with us, with the ears flapping wildly and his tongue hanging out.  He even jumped a small wall the other day when in hot pursuit of us.

He is still a love slug, and now has multiple blankets set up around the house in the rooms where I spend a lot of time.   If he ends up being left alone for a while, he pays me back by staying on my heels for the rest of the day, which is quite comical.   He has become quite a guard dog when there is a knock at the door.  My eldest daughter now torments me/him by knocking underneath the table to try and get him to bark and race to the door.   All of my friends are very jealous of what a cool dog he is, especially how content he is to just hang out with us wherever we are.

I can definitely understand how much you must be missing him,  he is a very neat dog with a ton more personality than we ever anticipated.

Take care,
[Baxter’s new family]

I was so happy and relieved to see this response.  I had been nervous that they might say they didn’t anticipate the severity of his separation anxiety and couldn’t keep him anymore.  Obviously that would be the worst case scenario, but it did linger in the back of my head.

I’m thrilled that they love him so much and that he has really settled in well.  He finally found his forever home.  I think now I can feel that I “rescued” him and helped him on his path.   I know that one day a dog will find his forever home with me too.  I’m looking forward to it!

Decision

The meltdown was the first time I’d started to consider the idea that the departure training might never work. And ever since then, it’s been this insidious piece of sand in my brain growing bigger, creating more doubt, and screaming for attention.

So I think I was in denial for a long time. But at the same time, I truly felt I should at least give the medication (the last resort) a fair chance before calling it quits. When progress seemed to plateau with the medication, I just knew. I decided that I would find Baxter a new home after I returned from the Christmas holidays.

Furry Friends

There was absolutely no way I could just drop him off at a shelter and wish him luck. I had to be involved in finding the right (FINAL) home for him and know where he ended up. I also wanted to ease his transition to a new home as much as possible. And honestly I simply didn’t trust a shelter to find the right home for him. When I visited the shelter that fateful day, I feel that there were clear red flags with me (not intending to adopt a dog that day, away for work for 12 hours a day, single, plus he was clearly not an independent dog), and yet it was really rushed. To be fair, shelters are put in the hard position of trying to find homes for their dogs as soon as possible.

I decided to work with Furry Friends Rescue, a foster care organization. They also help people find homes for their pets (their Guardian Assist program). They are an experienced, well-organized, and well-networked group. I decided that I would try to consider myself as simply Baxter’s foster parent and I took care of him while we searched for his perfect home.

See Saw

It was really difficult coming to the decision. But once I did and made it real, it was a lot easier to accept than I thought it would be. I knew it was the right decision for me. I had reached a point where my life had come to a standstill. I barely ate out inside a restaurant in 9 months, I rarely went out with friends, I conducted incredibly efficient grocery store runs, I spent a fortune on daycare, I sped dangerously whenever I was running late on my hour commute to pick him up from daycare (before getting fined), I gained weight from poor eating and inactivity, and I felt bad whenever I asked a friend to watch him if I did have to do something alone.

I also knew it was the right decision for him. He wasn’t showing significant signs of improvement and generally was often nervous, worried I would leave him alone. He started showing signs of stress of even being left in the car for a minute.

I started thinking of all the things I would do when I could leave the house again. It was exciting to think about – sort of an exercise in gaining the perspective of not wasting moments in life anymore. But at the same time, I felt so incredibly guilty and helpless in deciding to make Baxter relocate to a new home yet again. It felt like I had totally failed him in my commitment to care for him, especially knowing how much he had bonded to me and depended on me. But I knew this was the right choice for giving him a happy, stable environment with a happy, stable owner.

First Dog

Obviously the first criteria for the new home was finding one where someone was home all or most of the time. It occurred to me that the perfect home for him was in the White House! The Obamas were looking for a rescue dog that doesn’t cause allergies (he doesn’t shed, does that count for being hypoallergenic??). He is a super well-behaved dog. No risk in embarrassing the new administration. He’s good around kids, loves people. And obviously someone would be home all day. I think Baxter would have made a fine First Dog.

Starting the Process

I emailed Furry Friends to ask for their help in finding a home for Baxter. I was contacted by Teresa, who I believe runs their south bay region. She gave me some initial information and said to come by Pet Club in Mountain View to meet her and square away paperwork. They do an adoption showcase every saturday from 1-4pm in front of Pet Club.

I came by and they had a bunch of cage partitions set up on the sidewalk with a dog and human in each one. I was surprised and encouraged by the amount of foot traffic. There were lots of people shopping and lots who were stopping to look at the dogs.

Teresa met Baxter. Of course he won her over and she exclaimed, “oh this is going to be easy!” I gave her a short profile I had written up on him. She said to email me pictures and would write up a description to post on the website that night.

She gave me a lot of tips on what questions to ask people who were interested and we discussed what kind of owner and home we were looking for. She said there are still a lot of homes where people are home all day: retired folks, stay-at-home moms, etc. We also felt it would be helpful to have someone with dog experience to help provide confidence to alleviate his separation anxiety. Also, we wanted someone who’s had dogs before and proven to commit to keeping them for their entire lifetime. Since we had a lot of specific things we wanted to know about prospective owners, she said she would ask everyone to fill out their adoption application first if they were interested since it contained most of the questions we would ask.

Showcase 1

A week went by and Teresa said she had heard some interest, but no applications so far. We came to Pet Club the next Saturday to sit in our first showcase. Baxter was a little confused as to why we were sitting around in a cage all day, but of course since I was there, he shrugged and eventually started napping. He got lots of attention (because he’s so damn cute of course!). In the beginning, one of the foster parents was dropping off a dog for the showcase and spotted Baxter. She was considering adopting a full-time dog and expressed interest. She would be a great home because she is home all day, already approved by Furry Friends, has dog experience. However she mentioned that her husband wasn’t interested in getting a dog.

I also talked to a retired woman who was looking at one dog but also liked Baxter. She is home all day and has had multiple dogs her whole life. I found out later that she too is a Furry Friends foster parent (currently not fostering). I was excited that there were already two promising homes that were interested.

At the very end of the showcase, a woman came up and started gushing over Baxter. She said she had a neighbor who was looking for a dog and he would be perfect for them. We chatted a little bit. Then she said SHE was starting to fall in love with him. She said she could bring a dog to work with her. Later Teresa told me that was not ideal. We wanted to find somewhere Baxter could be at HOME all day because work policies change or people change jobs, so that’s not a stable option. Teresa told her to go to the website and fill out the application if she or her neighbor were interested.

Showcase 2

Another week went by. Apparently the woman had not filled out an application. I was a little bit worried that the application was a barrier to finding someone. But Teresa said that it enabled us to know who was really serious. Especially because Baxter is so cute, it’s easy to find someone who instantly falls in love, but may not really be committed.

We came to the showcase the next Saturday. Once again, it was bustling and this time there were a lot of families interested in Baxter. The biggest issue was finding one with dog experience as well as someone being home all day. There was one family who asked me a lot of questions and kept lingering to look at him. Another family got really interested and ended up filling out an application. But they weren’t always home all the time and had never had a dog before.

Then another family came by and asked to say hi to Baxter. They said they’d seen him on the website and had come by to meet him. We chatted as their two little girls petted him. The parents wanted an active dog to fit their active lifestyle (triathalons, camping), but the girls wanted a smaller, mellow dog. One of the girls was afraid of dogs that jumped up. They were considering getting multiple dogs. I said Baxter wasn’t super active, but he’d probably do great camping.

The mom stays at home all day except for dropping off the kids to school in the morning and away for several hours on wednesday afternoons. I also found out that her mom in New Zealand owns a kennel and she’s grown up with lots of dogs. The dad was a little skeptical since he wanted a more active dog. The mom kept hinting at multiple dogs (which the dad said he was expecting after having seen her childhood home).

Apparently the family had already filled out an application a few months ago and they’d been looking for the right dog since. They had seen a couple of dogs before but they weren’t the right fit for some reason. That info was really great because they clearly had decided on adopting and finding the right dog. It wasn’t a rash decision.

Meanwhile Baxter was stretched out on the sidewalk getting petted by the entire family gathered around him. Finally the dad caved saying that he loved him too, and the family celebrated. They filled out the agreement to adopt him from me. And we decided to go to their home in San Jose the next day for the home visit (Furry Friends usually does that prior to adoption). Typically the home visit is the last step before completing the adoption and indicates it is a done deal.

Roller Coaster

As soon as we planned the time, filled out the paperwork, and the family walked into Pet Club to buy some treats, I was suddenly overcome with tears. I absolutely wasn’t expecting it to happen, but just knowing that he WAS actually going to leave and go to a new home brought all the emotions back out again. It was also shocking to know that it was going to happen so fast- in less than 24 hours.

When I initially talked to Teresa, she mentioned that some people do a gradual adoption meaning that the dog spends more and more time with the family instead of a single handoff. I had planned on doing this, but through a small misunderstanding, the family was expecting to have him 100% the next day. The reason I planned on this is because I wanted to make the transition as easy as possible for him.

I talked about it with Heather and Randy, the Furry Friends volunteer who was helping me through all this. We thought maybe just doing a handoff might be less confusing for him since he was going back and forth between two owners. So then I went home to prepare collecting all his things for the next day.

I kept going back and forth between feeling relieved that he found a great home and feeling really upset that he was leaving. I couldn’t believe how fast it was happening. I kept thinking that I hadn’t said enough to the family about his separation anxiety or asked enough about their lifestyle. Ultimately I really wanted him to find a home where he was going to be most successful (and live happily for the rest of his life), and I was extremely worried his new home would also not be able to deal with his separation anxiety thus giving him up again.

The Handoff

The next day, Randy picked me and Baxter up to drive us to the home. I was really worried that I would be a blubbering mess the entire time, and I didn’t want to make a huge scene. Partly because this was a happy day for the family and partly because I didn’t want to convey any negative feelings to Baxter.

The family has a home with a yard which is so great. Randy did the walkthrough, pointing out some potential hazards for dogs. Then we signed the paperwork making it official. Then I walked them through a bunch of Baxter’s habits, background, likes and dislikes, and showed them all of his stuff I had brought over and how they all worked. I was actually really calm and positive through the whole thing. But at the end when it was time to say goodbye, I could feel my front starting to crumble. I had said my goodbyes earlier by myself, so I just gave Baxter a nice pat to try not to make a big fuss of my leaving. We had his leash on since we knew he would try to leave with me. And then I just left.

First Days

So far the first 48 hours have been the hardest. I felt that irrational sort of grief that is just overwhelming. Even though logically it was positive – I had found him a wonderful, loving home and I could now get back to my life – I felt awful. I regret not doing the gradual adoption. I keep thinking of him trying to come to me as I left him. I think that would have been a better transition for him (and possibly for me too).

It’s been really painful going through all the steps I normally take with him there: driving into my garage, walking from the elevator to my front door, brushing my teeth, watching tv, eating breakfast, driving home from work. All of these things feel really empty now.

I know I’m going through a grieving period and that’s ok, but honestly when is it going to be over so I can move on to some enlightened peaceful state? I keep telling myself that I did indeed rescue him by finding him his forever home.

Besides the painful goodbyes to the dogpark, daycare, his groomer, and informing his vet, I’ve mostly spent as much time away from home as possible. The first night, I went to a movie and dinner with friends. The next day, I went all over running errands, doing leisurely shopping trips, ate in a restaurant, hiked the Dish. The next day after work I went out to dinner with a friend. The next night after work, I went to an aerobics class. The next night I went to an old co-worker’s house for dinner.

News

Several days after I brought him to his new family, Teresa emailed me to ask how I was and if I’d heard anything from the new family. I said that I hadn’t yet and anxiously awaited positive news. I also told her it was a lot harder than I was expecting now that it was all done. She emailed the family saying we’d love to hear how he was doing.

The mom emailed both of us back and let us know he was doing really well. He was still a little insecure and whined in the middle of the first night downstairs (I’m guessing out of confusion). But since then, he sleeps with them in the parents bedroom at night. He’s been staying close to the mom- she’s the primary caretaker and he’ll probably bond with her the most. Once, they had to leave him for a couple of hours so they put him in his crate. He showed signs of scratching to get out, but she said she peeked in the window when they returned and he was just sitting there. (Instead of being calm, I’m guessing that he heard them return so he sat alert, but he had probably barked and scratched the whole time. I decided not to share any of my theories with them. ) But all in all, they are amazed by how easy he is, how he leaves the cat food alone, and says he’s doing great.

As soon as I got that email, I felt a big pressure lift. I think just knowing that he was doing ok made me feel so much better.

Change and Hope

Every day seems to get a little easier, especially as I start to get used to doing my routine without him. I’m still waiting for that enlightenment though.

What’s interesting is that all of this has been happening during a time of renewal and change. By Jan 1, I had made the decision to give him up. I felt that I was putting 2008 behind me and looking forward to starting anew with 2009. It was exciting to think of the possibilities and opportunities.

At work we are wrapping up our 2008 focal reviews and setting our 2009 goals. It’s been a time of reflection and evaluation and expectations for the future.

And of course, we inaugurated Barack Obama two days after I brought Baxter to his new home. The palpable sense of change, hope, inspiration, and optimism just seemed to fit into all the emotions I was feeling.

I definitely don’t regret finding Baxter a new home. The whole Baxter experience from the beginning has been one of the most challenging and personal things I’ve ever gone through. Again, I’m trying to celebrate rescuing him from the shelter, giving him a comfortable and loving home, and then finding his true forever family. I look forward to having another dog in the future when the time and the environment is right. For now, my goal is to embrace that old cliche and live life to the fullest.

Let’s see- our communication history has been the following:

• Email 1 (mid-Nov)
  • 3 days pass… no response.  Email again at other email address.
  • 3 more days pass… no response. Email again at both addresses.
  • Finally get response that night.
• Email 2 (early Dec)
  • No response.  Ever.
  • Call office.  They take message and say she’s in the office that day.
  • She calls that evening.
• Email 3 (mid-Dec)
  • It’s been 4 days.  No response.

Jesus H. Christ.

I can honestly say that I do not recommend Dr Cooper at San Francisco Veterinary Specialists.  The appointment was painfully expensive and I can’t say that I’ve gotten anything out of it.  The utter lack of responsiveness is crushingly depressing.

Lately Baxter seems to have slid back to his old anxious self. He licks his paws all the time, he stays close to me, and now he gets anxious when I leave him in the car. He actually barked at me once when I walked away from the car. He still is quiet while I’m gone, but he’s standing up staring out the window until I return. Of course I ignore him and act like there’s nothing in the world that anyone could be anxious about, but in my head I’m hoping that a nearby observer isn’t calling animal cruelty hotlines on me.

I missed training last night because

1. I was unmotivated by the lack of successful training lately.
2. It is EFFING COLD outside now.  (I’m actually wearing my old east coast down jacket again)
3. I spent the evening scouring the Internet  (unsuccessfully) for xmas gift ideas for girls aged 6-7 since I have no idea what to get my two nieces.

Today I braved another session of training, but this time instead of using the kong (chicken in oatmeal with yams on the ends), I used one of the chicken/pig twist chews.

In the first round of 1 minute, turns out that Baxter abandoned the twist immediately after I shut the door, trotted over to the door, stood there for about 15 seconds, then huffed out a whiny “arf” and trotted BACK to the twist. He’s never gone back after abandoning before.  But that damn bacon-wrapped chicken twist is simply too tasty.

After that, the subsequent rounds were (quite brazenly) 5min, 14min, 2min – which were all successful rounds.  So once again, desirable treats help training immensely.  Pretty soon this will escalate to giant steaming steaks to keep his focus.

Dr Cooper says that I need to be able to build in some flexibility in the training. I think what she means by that is that he can stress a little bit- doesn’t have to be perfect every time. Anyway, I have a notebook with every single session documented and reviewed from the video. I’m trying to take these recent failures as constructive feedback for the next sessions. We’ll start with shorter rounds again – he should be able to build back up quickly.

Meanwhile, it’s just been an emotional roller coaster for the last few weeks. When it’s going well, I envision a long happy life with a dog. When it’s not going well, I’m mired in a pit of despair that my lifestyle and well-being are simply not suited for having a dog. My conviction in the training has never been the same since the meltdown, and that has made everything 10x harder.

On a completely separate topic and brighter note, I took him in for grooming yesterday. These days we are simply trimming his paws and face and leaving most of his coat long for the winter. After his bath, they use these blow dryers on the dog. Something about the long fur and the blow dryer has made him super fuzzy. He looks like he has a fro now. It’s pretty funny.

Of course I’m thrilled by the progress, but the flip side is finding the time to do training now that the rounds are getting long.  Another good sign was that tonight we did 5 min as the first round of the session.  Now that is just unheard of.  It used to be that 30 seconds as the first round was shaky. 

I’m trying to keep the sessions at 5-6 rounds only.  I think when we go beyond 8 rounds, he starts getting antsy.  But since I’m increasing the times, that means I have to jump up to longer times faster.  For example, tonight I did 5min, 1.5min, 10min, 15min, 2min, 1min.  Jumping between rounds by 5 minutes is just crazy!  But he did it all with flying colors.

Meanwhile, a couple of weeks ago, Dr Cooper, the vet specialist said to increase his dose to 30mg, then email after a week with a status report.  So I emailed.  And once again, I never heard from her.  This time was a little less frustrating because he was doing well.  But it was still very disconcerting that I had absolutely no input whatsoever, especially after having paid a shitload of money for the service.  Incidentally, I also never heard back from Stacy from the black hole of the first email communication.  WTF.  The utter lack of input from anyone is so so frustrating as I try to work through this.  It feels like I have a kid with autism but none of the doctors give me any useful, proactive advice or call me back when I have questions. 

I called my vet yesterday to see if maybe I should just continue working through her since she is very responsive.  She said to call the SFVS office and ask maybe if voicemail was a better way of getting in touch with Dr. Cooper.  But to at least keeping trying to go through her for the time being.  Incidentally, Dr Cooper taught my vet during her training. 

So I called SFVS and said I hadn’t been getting any emails back and should I leave a message.  They took down my message and said she was in the office so she could probably call back.  She ended up calling me back that evening while I was driving back from work.  I guess it turns out she gets migraines and was in the midst of one, and they tend to last about 10 days and the medication makes her out of it.  I guess I give her some slack for that.  But it was actually nice to talk to her on the phone because we could have a real conversation instead of some brief statements via email.

She was glad to hear things were going well, and she said that other patients have said working up to the first hour or two is the hardest part and then it gets pretty fast after that.  It was great to hear some anecdotes from others, and simply just to hear some encouragement.  Any sort of feedback like that helps to keep the positive motivation up.  Hopefully we’ll continue to breeze with the progress.

But I do remember watching an episode of “It’s Me or the Dog” where Victoria helped a couple with super yappy yorkies. Everytime the doorbell rang, they just went bonkers- barking and running around like crazy.

When it came time for Victoria to demo how to handle the situation, she had someone outside ring the doorbell. The dogs went bonkers and then she immediately put her hand up and said very authoritatively, “Thank you!” The dogs immediately stopped and stared at her quietly. It was quite impressive.

I figured it’s probably bad for me to let Baxter go on and on without some structure to his guard dog duties. So now I’m letting him bark initially but trying to cut off the behavior and let him know I’m ok with the person at the door.

Baxter also barks and growls when he hears a doorbell ring on TV. But he usually growls instead of barks since I don’t react at all and just sit there.

Last night it was a typical night. I’m settled on the couch watching TV and Baxter is settled in his crate snoozing. I watched the Simpsons and there was a lot of doorbell ringing.

Each time a doorbell rang, Baxter would growl. I tried to use my most authoritative Victoria voice and said “thank you!” He would stop, but then a second later would growl again. By the third doorbell ring in the show, it was just really comical.

TV: [ding dong]

Baxter (nestled in crate): GRRRRRR!

Me (firmly with raised hand): “Thank you!”

Baxter: pauses, then “Grrrrrrr”

Me (firmly and snapping fingers): “hey!”

Baxter: silent. Then “grrrrr”

Me (firmly and pointing): “that’s enough!”

Baxter: silent…… then “grrrrr”

I just had to start laughing at that point. Since he was still curled up in his bed, all I could see were his eyes and hear the faintest disgruntled growling.

I decided to fill his kongs with simply plain oatmeal.  I used to make the oatmeal with chicken bouillon-spiked water, but this time I just went plain jane (i think the bouillon was giving him the runs and I heard dogs love plain oatmeal).

He was tentative with the kong at first.  Perhaps because the oatmeal was pretty gummy so it wasn’t clear yet how yummy it was.  And then suddenly, he got totally into it.

I did about 5-6 rounds ranging from 2-30 seconds.  I incorporated some variation in the rounds too- to try to build in some flexibility.  I used a variety of different shoes including the riding boots.  I put on a jacket for only one round.  Instead of doing the rounds immediately in succession, I paused a little in between to try and re-create a realistic feel again of my leaving.

For every single round including the first one, he did awesome!  Merrily worked on his kong ignoring me.  For one of the rounds, I put the kong in his crate instead of his normal training spot to see if he would eat it in there.  He grabbed the kong and trotted immediately over to his spot, giving me only a slight glance as I headed for the front door.

I only did the one session, but I am really optimistic!

The whole week was pretty crappy in general, and this total black hole of communication didn’t help things in the least.  I resorted to my “self-therapy” method where I talk to myself logically about the objective facts. 

• I haven’t seen anything because it’s only been a couple of weeks, and it’s supposed to take 4-6 weeks to ramp up. 
• It is a pill to increase seratonin levels- it is not a magic behavioral potion that suddenly makes him want to stay at home. 
• We don’t start the training again for another week, and that is really where the solution will come.  The meds are simply to help him get through the training successfully.
• Be patient, believe in the method, but give it time and give it a chance. 

But it has been really hard not having any input whatsoever from anyone.  I finally emailed Stacy, the last trainer.  She has always been nice and even emailed to check in weeks after our one meeting.  I just wanted to hear something positive from someone.  Or even some thoughts on what to expect as I begin the medication. 

Meanwhile, I heard back from Dr Cooper on Friday night.  She did apologize for the delay, and asked me what his dosage and weight was since she didn’t have his records with her (I think she lives in Davis and commutes to SF a couple of days a week).  It looks like we are going to increase the dosage.  And she said to email back in a week to say how it’s going. 

I also did a bunch of Internet searches on “Clomicalm what to expect.”  I found medical info on the drug and how it works, more info on separation anxiety (which all described the desensitizing departure training that I am doing), and some message boards on people’s questions and experiences.  Reading all of that made me feeling better and less in the dark.  I do feel a second wind coming on and feel more positive about things.  In the meantime, must resist not taking his anti-anxiety medication myself!

“Hey, whatcha got there?”

“You can’t ignore me”

“Your petting is in the way of your chip bag”

“I can do this all day”

“But look at how cute I am!”

“Hmm…I don’t see a treat in that hand.”

Some amusing reports throughout the day:

“so my boss was just at my desk”
“and baxter passed some really bad gas”
“or, at least, i ~think~ it was baxter “

“everyone wants to make him the office mascot”

“tom’s daughters want him to bring baxter home”
“and he was trying to negotiate how we’d all divide up nights to take baxter home with us, and who got weekends”

“doug just threw a hacky sack at baxter and baxter just looked at it, then back up at doug”
“doug’s assessment: baxter, not a Player”