50 Shades of Dylf......

B.@.D. is lazy.....

2012-05-30T15:54:00.000-06:00

.......it's been a long long time.......too long or not long enough? I guess that is up to you to decide......i got tired of waiting for B.@.D. to start back up again so I took it upon myself to take over and call the shots.....as you can all see by the much much shittier page layout, pictures, graphics, etc etc.....i am less concerned with aesthitics and.....and well i guess less concerned about content as well as i am actually the only person contributing this time around......to tell you the truth, the last couple of years have been really, really weird, even by my standards......once i get the chance to do a little more formatting of the site, etc i plan to regale you with stories of debauchery and botulism (yes botulism....) some fact, some fiction.....and with any luck i still have those naked pictures or my former boss to post.......

Stay tuned.....or don't.....whatevs......

The Aftermath

2010-12-12T12:35:00.005-07:00

* Fade into the conference room at B.@.D Live Reloaded Headquarters. B.@.D is at the head of the table. He stands up to begin speaking. *

I want to thank you all for coming. I know it isn't easy to get everyone together.

Hey, even The Prince is here!

... and he's brought a single, raw carrot.

I stole it, yo.

Well, you've got to keep it 'hood.

I know I'm new here, but... why did The Prince bring a carrot?

Dylf told me this was the Christmas Party.

No.I didn't.

Is this the Christmas party?

No. We aren't having a Christmas Party.

What? I brought food too!

Uh... P(BJ), what IS that?

It's Tofuduckin.

Good God. What the fuck is wrong with you?

What? I was concerned that there wouldn't be a vegan option. This edible holiday loaf is good!

She needs to get the fuck out of here before I call the police.

Maybe we should try to stay on topic. This is a hard group to keep focused. B.@.D?

Thanks Jaderberri. Guys, I wanted to make an announ...

DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME!!!

* Everyone turns and stares at Dylf, uneasy... *

Uh... make an announcement.

Is this about the .com address you got for the site?

No. This isn't easy for me to...

You're gay?

What? No! No. I'm not gay. P(BJ), how many times must we have this...

SPEAK already! What is it?

I'm leaving the site. I'm moving to California to start an acting career.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

... AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
* Puts his head in his arms and starts pounding on the table, laughing uncontrolably. *

* B.@.D glares at Dylf. Everyone is silent. *

DID YOU HEAR THAT?!?! THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE THINKS HE CAN BE AN ACTOR!!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
* Stands up and starts pounding his fists against his knees, then tosses a table across the room, still laughing hysterically. *

Uh... Dylf, I think you need to calm down a bit.

No, I'm with Dylf. We have to kill him just for coming up with this. You guys realize that right?

Dibs on his dog.

B-Rush!!!

You're right, it's rude to do dibs on his stuff before we've killed him. Sorry.

No, what I mean is that I'M taking Enzo.

Um... B.@.D, have you asked anyone for any feedback on this idea?

No. It was DeAnna's idea.

Wait... who?

Uh... DeAnna. HELLO? DeAnna Pappas. I just married her!

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Uh... is there something we should know?

Like what?

Like "are you fucking retarded?"

B.@.D... DeAnna isn't real.

What? Yes she is. She was on "The Bachelor"!

Well... yes, but like... the DeAnna YOU met was the video game representation of her.

Why would you say something like that? That's not true.

Yes it is.

No it's not.

Yes it fucking is.

No motherfucker, it fucking isn't!

Yes motherfucker, it fucking is!

You're fucking insane!!! WE JUST GOT MARRIED!!!

You're fucking high!!! IT'S A VIDEO GAME!!!

* Walks into the room from around the corner. *
DeAnna Pappas: B.@.D, are you coming baby?

Yeah, give me a few minutes. These guys are being wierd.

... oh my God.

No way.

You've got to be kidding me.

Who are you?

DeAnna Pappas: I'm DeAnna. B.@.D's new wife.

DeAnna Pappas? ... like, from The Bachelor.

DeAnna Pappas: Well, yes, but it was The Bachelorette where I met your friend B.@.D here.

He's really more of a co-worker than a friend.

What the fuck is going on??? Am I high right now???

You're always high. What do you mean?

That's DeAnna Pappas!!!

Dude, I know who she is. That's my wife.

DeAnna Pappas: Hello.

Why is DeAnna Pappas here?

What the fuck is wrong with you? I married her. The whole country saw it. It was on a magazine cover!!!

But... we thought...

DeAnna Pappas: Baby, can we get going? These guys are wierd and we don't want to miss our honeymoon flight.

DeAnna, it's gonna be a really long trip if you don't cut the crap.

* DeAnna heads to the car. *
DeAnna Pappas: Nice meeting you all!

* The Prince comes out of the bathroom as she walks around the corner and he bumps into her. *
So, what the fuck's going on? You're B.@.D's new girlfriend or something? If you've already had the small, do you wanna come back for the medium?

DeAnna Pappas: You're The Prince, aren't you? I heard about you. I'll be in the car with the doors locked and the engine running and my foot hovering above the gas pedal.
* Leaves for the car. *

Prince... that was B.@.D's new wife.

Really? What the fuck is wrong with her?

That's what we're trying to figure out.

You guys are mean. What do you have against her?

We don't have anything against her, it's just that...

Is it because she's from Kentucky? Doesn't bother me.

How...

All right, it bothers me a little.

I don't think that's what...

Anyway, like I said, I'm leaving. Dylf, you're in charge of the site from now on. You'll probably see me on Leno or something before too long.

* Everyone is silent. *

I'll write you. Lead good lives!

* B.@.D approaches Dylf for a goodbye hug. *
Get the fuck away from me.

I know, man. It's hard for me too. But this is...

I'm serious. I'll cut you.

Well, I gotta go. Later guys!

* Everyone is silent, stunned, as B.@.D walks around the corner and leaves. *

* Fade out. *

MAKE SURE TUNE IN NEXT SEASON! (STARTS MID-JANUARY.)

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM EVERYONE HERE AT B.@.D LIVE RELOADED!!!

It's That Time Again......Dylf's Motivational Poster of the Week

2010-12-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

....does the bulge in my pants make me look fat???

What I did in B.@.D.'s trailer when he was outta town......

2010-12-08T06:00:00.004-07:00

........i took a shit.........and i didn't flush.......

Fuck that fuckin celebrity fucker.....

I'll be shitting in B.@.D.'s trailer......

B.@.Dcap: The Bachelorette Wii - S1 E03

2010-12-06T05:29:00.003-07:00

I don't want to spoil the ending of this episode... but I'm sure that everyone has already seen the latest issue of "In Love" Magazine?

Me and Ke-ith are the last two men standing, even though he was nowhere near as good as Twofer, but I'm guessing they wanted the final contestant that I conquered to be my arch-nemesis. I don't even remember who the fourth guy was.

If I lose this somehow, this game is getting smashed into the back of the head of a very unfortunate employee of Eddie Bauer.

No, they don't have anything to do with this. I just really hate Eddie Bauer. MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO GIVE OFF THE IMPRESSION THAT I DO NOTHING BUT CHOP WOOD IN MY SPARE TIME!!! That's what she said.

~~2-On-1 Date~~ Cockfight: Fashioning For Love

We're backstage at Fashion Week in Los Angeles. DeAnna is clapping and will continue to clap until I press a button. She never tires out. I'm glad her hands don't get tired easily.

This is what I'm fucking talking about. I need to be in front of some goddamn cameras. On the catwalk. On the catwalk, yeah. I do my little turn on the catwalk.

This is a challenge to see who can get dressed the fastest. This is an important life skill in all types of areas, like challenges to see who can get dressed the fastest, and getting re-dressed and home to your wife before she finishes brushing her teeth. I receive a random color - all I have to do is be the first one to the drawer to reveal items matching that color.

This could be tough. Asians are fast. Are Asians fast?

I had to find orange clothes. He had to find brown clothes. He can't pull off orange clothes with mad style like I can. On the catwalk. On the catwalk, yeah, I shake my little toush on the catwalk. Bitches LOVE color.

Problem: as soon as this challenge started I just went completely blank about what clothes were where. I managed to find the orange sunglasses, but Ke-ith put together his entire brown wardrobe before I could even find anything else. I was slaughtered.

FUCK!!!

Winner: Ke-ith
2nd Place / Silver Medal: B.@.D

It is fucking on like Donkey Kong. I'm serious, if I fucking lose this terrible game after all the terrible effort I've put into this, it is going to be a DARK third season.

But I'm in love, so not to worry. What I just said in the paragraph above was just material for my testimonial interview. Nothing more.

~~2-On-1 Date~~ Cockfight: Movie Premiering For... Fuck It

They're really bringing out the big guns for this season finale. I can't let myself get distracted by all this glitz, glamour, and movie offers to play myself in the Hollywood adaptation of this terrible show. I'm here to win. I can't wait to do movies instead of this tripe though. Seriously. As soon as that movie deal kicks in I am SUCH a ghost. I'm pulling an ER Clooney the second that fax comes to my trailer.

Apparently this movie premiere is star-studded, so I'm sure the fans will be all over me. I'm going to try to get some face time with Jack Nicholson, punch that fucking talking head Billy Crystal, and have sex with that hot girl Ryan Seacrest (if DeAnna is okay with it of course, I won't betray our new love.)

I walk down the red carpet. No one is taking pictures of me. No one will approach me. No fans ask for my autograph.

I am alone. I go inside and cry in a bathroom stall.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're solving puzzles again. Yeah, fuck doing new things. We're just gonna stick with that. See Episode 2 for my puzzle strategy.

Winner: B.@.D
1st Place LOSER: Ke-ith

YES!!! FUCK YOU KE-ITH!!!

So me and Ke-ith are tied 12 stars to 12 stars now. That's how DeAnna ranks our progress. I think it's sort of how Ali looked at the portraits of all the guys last season, only this is ~~slightly less~~ just as retarded. This is getting fucking intense! Those writers are really making Ke-ith look like he has a chance. I sure hope they haven't just been lying to me this whole time. HAVE THEY JUST BEEN LYING TO ME THIS WHOLE TIME?!?!?!

~~2-On-1 Date~~ Cockfight: The Land Of Love (Las Vegas)

If anything says love, hope, and future... it's fucking Las Vegas, Nevada.

Oh sweet fuck. It's a picture contest.

I am fucked. I am SO fucking fucked.

Winner / Fucker: Ke-ith
Second Place / Silver Medal: B.@.D

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I'm going to lose. I'm going to fucking lose. IN MY OWN FUCKING GAME!!! Everything has been so easy up until now! Did fucking Ke-ith / the producers hustle me?!?!?! WHY THE FUCK DID THEY WANT ME ON THAT MAGAZINE!!!

DO I NEED TO SING A SONG OR SOMETHING?!?! I'mma take you there, I'mma take you there. So don't be scared. I'm right here baby. We can go anywhere, go anywhere. But first it's your chance, Take my hand come with me. I'MMA TAKE YOU...

If that song from a man (who beat his girlfriend Rhianna black and blue) doesn't win her over, then I SHOULD JUST QUIT RIGHT NOW.

Final ~~2-On-1 Date~~ Cockfight: Soaking Up ~~Sun~~ Love

Where would I be without strikethru text?

We are in the Florida keys for the FINAL DATE. I have to say the producers are doing a great job of making this look like Ke-ith has a chance. At least that's what I'm telling myself. If it turns out I lose and they were fucking me, I'm going Rated-R on this shit. She's in a very slutty bikini. Good. Good. That's how I like my women. Slutty and gettable.

Ke-ith is in some turqoise, stylish board shorts. It looks like I skinned a cow and fashioned some short shorts out of the hide. Waste not, want not. Probably not the best move I could have made for this final challenge.

FUCK YES. We're tracing again. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. You're fucked, Ke-ith. Now I don't even care what I'm wearing. I could win this shit from the digestive tract of a blind warthog.

Winner: World Champion Tracer B.@.D (accompanied by his cowskin beach short shorts)
First Place Loser: Ke-ith

Um... holy fuck. So we each won two cockfights so far. We're TIED in heart count. 24 to 24. I swear to God I'm not making this up. I honestly can't believe it. There's no more cockfights!!! What the fuck happens now?!?!?! ARE THERE RULES FOR THIS?!?!?!

So we're still doing an inDUHvidual date this week, apparently. It's just me and Ke-ith in the mansion now. Well, and the camera crew, but I'm not suppoesd to talk about them. We mostly get drunk and compare notes and stare at each other tensely. It's fucked up. I think he knows about the rumor I've been spreading that his grandpa was a kami-kaze pilot. It's awkward.

Date card shows up - oh yeah, it's for me of course. We're going straight past 3rd base tonight. We're going past home plate too. I might even cross the fowl line into the ~~backfield~~ outfield.

I'm guessing how I do here will determine whether or not I win. I honestly can't believe it's actually a close game. I was sitting in my hotel room, staring into the mirror all conflicted-like while wearing a towel. They played some music. It was obviously a deep moment. Then I remembered what a wise man told me once to motivate me...

Oh yeah. I gave myself a high five in the mirror. I'm guessing they'll edit it out of the actual episode, but still. I'm fucking READY.

Final InDUHvidual Date: B.@.D

We're apparently at a restaurant. Well, I'M at a restaurant. She hasn't shown up yet. They tell me to make myself comfortable, so I sat down, took myself out of my zipper underneath the table, and waited for her to show. The waiter said "bon appetit", so I told him to go fuck himself and that I had a keen eye for spit. He needs to know who's boss here, girls like that. Then the waiter gave me this look, but I couldn't get up to kick his ass because I was already "out" underneath the table. The last thing I need is that shit on YouTube. Unless I lose, then I'll need all the exposure I can get.

Uh... okay... so, DeAnna showed up and we were having dinner. Then she was showing me some... compass... thing. I was looking at it, pretending to be interested in what she's into. I thought it was pretty supportive.

Then I dropped the compass.

Now she looks pissed.

Now... I have to mark hexagons. Again. I don't know why. Ke-ith is here marking hexagons too. I don't know why. This is so fucked. I'm guessing they gave up on making this game make sense towards the end.

The world seemed to go into slow motion. The moment was much larger than Ke-ith or myself. It was larger than DeAnna. It was larger than the audience. It was larger than life. This wasn't about a win or a loss or a marriage. It was about cruelty verses compassion. About oppression verses freedom. About good verses evil. The entire future of the love, marriage, and the world would be determined in this very moment.

Every fan watched their TV in silence waiting nervously to see what the fate of their Earth would be.

SQUASH. I marked so many fucking hexagons that Ke-ith's head nearly came off his goddamned shoulders.

Winner: B.@.D
Last Place: Ke-ith, who is on MY date for reasons not explained

We went under the table to find the compass. We found it. Then we kissed. Fade out.

Yeah, we had sex. I can't believe that ABC made us censor it. It would have been such a nice moment.

We're saving anal for the honeymoon.

Final ~~Bullshit~~ Rose Ceremony

Well, I think we all know what's going to happen here.

We're back in the grotto thing where we started. How poetic.

This is... the final rose tonight.

I got down on one knee. I proposed.

She said yes.

Winner: DeAnna Pappas
You Suck: Ke-ith

Wedding Video

Well ladies, that's it for me. I'm officially off the market and I have a BIG announcement about the site planned for next week.

So stay tuned a week from today for the annoucnement and the Season 2 Finale.

I'll be in my trailer.

B.@.D

Trousers Optional....

2010-12-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

So my neighbor used to be a prostitute.....

Whoa.....wait a minute!!! That's not right....not Verna next door right now....what I mean is that a neighbor I used to have back in the day right after my ex-wife gave me the boot was a prostitute....well actually, at the time i moved in and became her neighbor she only had a couple regulars at that time, she was more or less a madame beacuse her original madame had just been thrown in jail for 2 years and somebody had to run the show (that's actually how i figured out what my neighbor did...i saw her on the front page of the local Sun Newspaper walking the jailed madame out of court...i asked her and she told me...) Anyways....my old neighbor was a hooker (for conversational purposes lets use a random name....mmmm let's call her Serenity)

....anyway, i moved in next to Serenity about 2 weeks after my ex-wife had given me official notice that she fucking hated me (like not having sex for the previous 2 years wasn't enough of a clue), and we sparked off a quick friendship despite the brief setback early on when i realized she was a professional....Serenity was my age, we had similar tastes in music and she was a hooker and a bit of a chronic so she was exactly the type of neighbor i needed to dull the pain of a pending divorce....we were never romantic, she considered me pretty much like a big brother or like a slightly masculine madame (emphasis on slightly), i remember one time when we were talking and i told her if she ever had "work issues" to give me a holler,...she says that "the walls are so thin in this place if i ever have problems i'd be screaming at the top of my lungs....'DYLIE GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!!' "....i remember thinking that was sweet and that i was only one step away from being a pimp...but whatevs....

I went out with Serenity and a couple of her girls a couple times to see some live music and it was pretty cool....one time i got so wasted i thought i was in vancouver so Serenity had to put me in a cab and put my Driver's License in my hand so the cabby knew where we were going because i was beyond words....i'd go over to her place with her and the girls and watch movies, drink, passout, wake up, walk across the hall and go to bed and we actually had a pretty good friendship....

so this one time i woke up at my place and i couldn't find my pants.............i couldn't find my pants for five hours......i called suzi to see what we had done the night before.....i called mom and dad in disbelief (which was one of the worst ideas ever).....i looked everywhere...under the bed, under the couch, in the garbage, in the oven, in the fridge.....checked all my call logs etc.....no evidence of the missing trousers....i say to my self...self...they must be at Serenity's place....i walk across the hall to Serenity's all hang-dog ashamed because i figure that i am now officially a "John"..the conversation was pretty much as follows:

Serenity "Hey Dylfie"
Dylf "Hi Serenity, what's up?"
Serenity "Oh you know.." smirking "the sky"
Dylf "Yeah...my blood pressure too...:
Serenity snickers
Dylf "so sweetie...are....my pants over here?....by any chance?"
Serenity "Oh fuck no sweets....i wouldn't let that happen!"
Dylf "What's that suppossed to mean?"
Serenity "....uhhmmm, nothing..."
Dylf "you think i'm ugly!"
Serenity "I don't!"
Dylf "you do....you do think i'm ugly!"
Serenity "Hey, I'll fuck you right now!!!"
....awkward silence....
Dylf ".....so my pants...."
Serenity "i did see you through my peep-hole at about 3am when you got home and you weren't wearing them then......."
Dylf "........i love you"
Serenity "I LOVE YOU TOO!!!"

Embrace, Kiss, Serenity's hand on my buttocks, Romantic music crescendos, Fade to black....end scene....

(that last part after the peep-hole comment didn't happen but it's a way better ending than saying i still don't know what happened to those pants.....i loved those pants)

Guess Who is Single??

2010-11-30T14:10:00.007-07:00

As some of you may know, I have suddenly found myself single for the first time in over 4 years. I was so certain that the last one would be it, but alas here I find myself again. 4 years ago, before I met my last significant other, I use to date quite a bit. Dating was relatively simple, I would go out, maybe meet someone, maybe exchange numbers, and voila! A date was born. Or a friend might say I should meet someone, we go out as a group, maybe get along, maybe I give my number or get his, and here we go again: a date exits the womb.

What I did not expect is that dating has actually changed quite a bit since I was last in the game. The first guy I met since single asked for my number. He was cute, and I was drunk, so I gave it to him. Logically the next step would be a phone call. But no! I had to put up with a whole WEEK of text messages from this guy before I got asked out, through a text message. Umm... okay. My friend KJ informed me that text dating is actually quite normal, and happens all the time. Apparently it is normal to tell someone to "text me sometime" rather than "call me sometime."

The next guy I met, I met at the bar again. This one put a whole lot of effort into talking to me, but then did not ask for my number or anything by the end of the night (and he even drove me home in his mustang woo hoo!). Don't worry he was a friend of my brother, so I knew he was safe! Anyways, the next day I have a friend request from him on facebook. I accept and the next thing I know he has FACEBOOKED ME HIS NUMBER!!! hahaha AWESOMEST!

So NOW, here we are playing the texting game again. I figure I can play this game too, so I asked him out on a date via text message (at least I only waited a day to do it). I asked him out on Sunday, we are going on the date Friday. It is now Tuesday and there have been many-a-text-conversations, but no actual phone conversation yet.

When did this happen?!? Dating has become so strange. Sure, it is maybe easier, especially for shy people, or people who have no balls. But so much communication is lost here!

I am wondering if readers agree with me, or if I have just had some out of the ordinary dating experiences.

Anyways- here is to being single and dating through facebook and text messages!

B.@.Dcap: The Bachelorette Wii - S1 E02

2010-11-29T06:00:00.012-07:00

Welcome to Episode 2 of Season 1 of The Bachelorette Wii. Michael has been eliminated, and we are down to 3 competitors – myself, Twofer, and Ke-ith. There is another individual date coming up this week, which I think I should totally win. It’s my destiny or some shit to fall in love with Deanna Pappas. I think it was guaranteed when I shelled out $30 for tihs game.

That first date that I had with DeAnna was magical, and it was real. You can tell because I had a date with her first. When she’s with those other guys, it’s fake. But when she’s with me, it’s all real.

Uh… so Chris says we’re going to Quebec. I don’t know why. Seriously, Quebec? Fucking Quebec? Ali and her retards got to go to, like, Bora Bora and shit. We get Quebec? I guess this is our Iceland. This could be a problem. I don’t speak any French outside of the chorus to that Lady Marmalade song. Vous les vou cou che avec mois? Maybe that’ll impress her. What does that even mean? Should I find out? Whatever. Details aren’t important. I’m in love.

Group Date: A Countryside Ride… To Love

So, this “countryside ride” is consisting of the three of us solving puzzles. What actually happened behind the scenes was, after last time on the ATV’s, me and Twofer weren’t willing to do ANYTHING with Ke-ith that involved vehicles. So we threatened to walk off the set unless something was done. This is all they could come up with. Beggers can’t be choosers, I guess, and at least my stomach lining won’t be on Ke-ith’s windshield anytime soon.

I do puzzles like a kid with autism. I literally just grabbed every piece as fast as I could and tried jamming them in everywhere as fast as I possibly could. It wasn’t a perfect strategy, but it was a better strategy than approaching the puzzle with logic and reason like Twofer and Ke-ith did... as evidenced below. Skill is a crutch for players who don't have the balls to rely on speed and luck.

First Place: B.@.D
Last Place: Ke-ith

Editor’s Note: While I was doing the puzzles, Enzo vomited up more food than I believe he eats in a week. I fear this is a harbinger of some sort.

Group Date: Chalet… ing to love? I guess? This is getting hard. (That’s what she said.)

So Chris says we’re at a “Chalet” all night and that Deanna is going to be our host. What the fuck is a Chalet? That’s a real thing? I thought that was just a fancy word that people used when they we’re trying to sound… fancy? Is it Swiss Chalet? Are we going to Swiss Chalet?

THIS was a weird one. We’re supposed to determine which drink combinations have the most alcohol in them. I swear to God I’m not making that up. That’s literally what the contest is. Insert like 20 date rape jokes here.

First Place: B.@.D
Last Place: Twofer

In addition to winning the contest, I also slipped something into DeAnna’s drink for later… just to lighten the mood. It turns out it’s not against the rules on this show. (See: Ali in Bora Bora.)

Group Date: Gambling… With Our Hearts

It appears as though we’re going to a Casino. Apparently she likes guys who attempt to win money by achieving success in a game where the probability-based-rules were explicitly designed to thwart that very outcome. To those nerds on the internet who like to write about other people’s dating lives, this sounds like the stupidest thing that any rational creature could possibly do. But just like they don’t understand love, they don’t understand gambling. Actually, gambling and love are very similar – you risk money in gambling like all of us are risking our hearts here on this show. And just like how it’s better to have loved and lost… it’s worth it to lose your money just for the thrill of almost not losing your money.

Except that we’re not actually gambling. Which pretty much completely undermines the credibility of every single point that I just worked so hard to make just now in that testimonial interview. Ah well, no one will notice.

Oh. Yeah. The contest. People are dropping casino chips on us and we have to catch them. I’m pretty sure we could have done this without going to an actual casino, but it was cool to watch them shut down the whole venue just for this. We got all dressed up too. Again, Twofer is the only one not to wear a tie.

Oh. Yeah. The outcome.

First Place: B.@.D

Last Place: Ke-ith

Poor Ke-ith shouldn’t have gotten so drunk in the limo ride over here. He was just sitting there waiting for chips to fall to him. It made it pretty easy for me and Twofer. We let a few chips fall onto him anyway though, just to be nice.

Ke-ith was like a ninja last episode. I’m not sure what’s happening to him this time around. Maybe he’s demoralized because of that STD rumor I’ve been spreading about him. If he’s not careful he’s gonna be the next one gone. It's for the best - then he can get that Gonorrhea looked at before it flares up again.

By the way, “Group Date” isn’t exactly what it sounds like. So far it’s literally just me and these two assholes doing contests. DeAnna wasn’t at the “Chalet”. She wasn’t at the Casino. She wasn’t in Quebec either, but I can’t really hold that last one against her.

Group Date: Cooking For Love

Uh… so now, DeAnna wants to know who can bake a SOUFFLE’ the fastest. You read that right. She doesn’t wanna know who can make the BEST soufflé. Or the TASTIEST soufflé. She just wants us to bake it the fastest. That’s kind of weird, although it does bode well for me that speed impresses her.

I’ve never baked a soufflé in my life. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know what goes into it. I don't know what it tastes like. I wouldn't be able to spell it if this thing didn't have spell-check. I don’t even really know what it is. I’m pretty sure I didn’t think it was actually real. I guess I kind of just thought it was a word. Like a chalet.

Fortunately, none of these obstacles stopped me, because I was doing it for love. Truthfully though, the crew did everything for me, and even put it in the oven. All I had to do was make sure the oven stayed the hottest, so that mine baked the fastest. DeAnna really is making this easy for me. I'm starting to think that she might be a bit too cultured for my liking, though. Next thing I know I'll be eating crumpets. Oh well. Too late now - I'm in love with her!

First Place: B.@.D
Last Place: Twoter

So we’re all chilling out at the mansion, just being cool guys who quit our jobs to date one girl and get drunk in the middle of the day. Then the date card shows up. It’s totally for me again. She should just marry me now, since it’s meant to be and all, and because it’s personally insulting to think that these guys can beat me at anything now that I’m a master.

InDUHvidual Date: B.@.D

So we’re taking a short rest in the middle of our date, which apparently consists of intimate details that no one, including myself (and I’m ON the date) needs to know.

Then she busted out some coloring books and crayons, and wanted me to trace for her.

It’s possible that I’ve stumbled upon the easiest girl to impress in the entire world. Who the fuck did she date before coming on this show? Howie Mandell? Kasey? The Unabomber?

So naturally I was kicking ass at tracing, until Twofer and Ke-ith, apparently now aligned, sat down on an adjacent park bench and started trying to trace the pictures faster than I could.

Yeah, that looks really good, guys. Keep it up. Christ, they fight like fags.

It didn’t work.

Amount Of Pictures To Trace To Get DeAnna Pappas To Make Out With You: 8

She pointed at the sunset. I put my head up against her. What I gotta do, if I wanna get a kiss, is act real smooth, and make my love like THIS. So I slid in and we made out. The camera panned past the fountain and faded out. Always keep it classy.

Sorry for not really filming all that much when it comes to me and DeAnna’s physical contact, but the emotion and intensity is SO INTENSE when we’re together that it actually fucks with the camera equipment. That, and we’re going for more of a PG rating this year. It’s a good thing they cut out actually, because showing her giving me head on the park bench would definitely have pissed off the network.

Fuck that was awesome. I feel another song coming on! WHEN I SEE YOUR FACE, THERE'S NOT A THING THAT I WOULD CHANGE, 'CAUSE YOU'RE AMAZING, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE...

... AND WHEN YOU SMILE, THE WHOLE WORLD STOPS AND STARES FOR AWHILE, 'CAUSE GIRL YOU'RE AMAZING, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

~~Bullshit~~ Rose Ceremony

I get a rose. I’m safe.
Ke-ith gets a rose. He’s safe.
No rose for Twofer. He gone.

Eliminated: Twofer

How the shit does that fuck work??? Twofer did way better than Ke-ith this time around. I’m starting to think this is staged or something.

So the finale for this season of The Bachelorette is coming up next week. I’m pretty sure I’m going to win.

I hope we go somewhere overseas. If so, I’m gonna try to push Twofer out of the plane since apparently beating the piss out of him every week isn’t enough to get him eliminated. Besides, I read that if you kill someone over international waters, that it doesn’t count of something. I’m going to look into that.

Next Week, On The Bachelorette:

"Obviously, B.@.D will have sex with DeAnna and she will be his forever because nothing can possibly go wrong once you meet and marry your soulmate on this show."

I'll be in my trailer.

B.@.D

It's That Time Again......Dylf's Motivational Poster of the Week

2010-11-26T06:00:00.002-07:00

bwahahahahaha......

My Brief Stint In the Priesthood....

2010-11-24T06:00:00.004-07:00

As a youth growing up in Southern Alberta my parents did their damndest to try and instill a healthy fear of the possibility of eternal damnation to steer me down the righteous path to Salvation. To this day I still believe there will be a Day of Reckoning where the cumulative actions of my lifetime will be evaluated and I will either get the option of spending eternity with my Dad, Farrah Fawcett and Patrick Swayze.......or else I will spend the balance of forever with B.@.D. So here begins the story of a young, shiny, 18 year old bright eyed Dylf who began his path down the road into the Priesthood.

O.K. That never actually happended but my parents did their best to make me attend Sunday congregations on a regular basis and I was baptized and confirmed into a/the Church at one point in time. The real story I want to tell is about the time I woke up on the street dressed up as a priest........

(closest facsimile to photo of incident I have on file...)

(B.@.D. or The Prince may have better ones actually...)

Flashback.....The year is 2003.....You can't turn on a radio without hearing Andre 3000 talking about shaking shit like a polaroid picture.....The U.S. infantry has just captured Saddam Hussein .....B.@.D. just got his first handjob....and my first wife had kicked me out and I was gettin' more ass than a toilet seat in a Mexican restaurant. It's mid June. I awaken to the sounds of birds chirping....fresh air, the smell of dew....a gentle breeze....and a door hitting me square in the top of the head as someone steps over top of me to get out of the apartment building of the front stoop I have passed out on....I rub my eyes for close to five minutes cause I'm still loaded and then sit up. That's when it hits me.....I'm dressed up as a priest....

Disclaimer....I remember putting on my priest outfit the night before prior to going out boozing as I thought it would be funny. The rest of that night I was blackout drunk so the balance of the following day i spent piecing together what exactly transpired the night before.......for those of you wondering about the priest outfit, i had purchased it back in University for a re-enactment me and some "acquaintences" were doing of the Madonna "Like A Prayer" video except we were doing the scenes that had been cut from the original video.....giggidy....

Ok....so i'm on the step dressed as a priest....i realize it is the front step to my buddy Suzi's house where I was staying for the weekend....I buzz his apartment....no answer....I call his cell....no answer....I call my ex-girlfriend (post ex-wife)....no answer....(i start to think i'm actually dead at this time)....i call my ex-wife....of course she answered and then i kinda wished i was dead....my ex-girlfriend calls back and asks me what's up and i give her the details and she laughs....apparently i had called her at around 4am all drunk up looking for 4am action to no avail, but she did invite me over later that day for coffee....giggidy....so I've got a time frame of when i was packing it in, 4am.....look at my watch and it's still earliy-ish - 9am..... i hit the Second Cup down the street and drink $15 worth of coffee and get many dirty looks....its 11am now and the bar i was at last night is now open so i head down to go see who is working and if they know what is up.....my good buddy Eli is opening and as soon as he sees me he starts howling with laughter so i know he must have been working last night.....he fills me in on the events that took place in the bar which among other things included me handing out a bunch of fortune cookies that got a bunch of dirty looks as well....according to Eli the fortunes inside of the cookies all said "My God beats the f*** out of your God".....ok.....that's not good...don't know where those came from.....but Eli did tell me that I came to the bar with Suzi at around 10pm and left around 1am......at this point I feel the rumbling in my tummy so I head next door for some lunch.....

DOUBLE DOG baby!!!! A Double Dog is a local favorite where 2 European Wieners are butterflied and served with all the toppings on a hoagie bun....delicious....again dirty looks abound.....half way through I get a call from Suzi and he's at his apartment and on his way over to join me.....

ANOTHER DOUBLE DOG baby!!!! As we sit there eating the processed pig parts, Suzi starts to fill in the gaps....apparently we split a dozen or so beers and about 6 rev drinks at his place prior to rolling out to a party at one of his old girlfriends house's....we get over to the house and it isn't really a party per se....it's Suzi's girl and her roommate which had both of us wondering exactly what type of party this was....anyway....we made idle chit chat and had a few more drinks...i snagged some dessert off of the dessert tray and it was delicious...we had another drink and that's when Suzi says I commented that it looked to me like his face was melting or spinning....ohhhhhhhh....brownies.....riiiiight.....Suzi continues to tell me that he didn't have any of the brownies but he did watch me and the girls craft up the fortune cookies in the kitchen....apparently his ex-girl had a box of fortune cookies we removed all of the fortunes from with tweezers and then printed up the new ones on the computer, cut them to size and then inserted them back into the cookies....apparently by this time it was around 10pm and we were to meet some other people at the bar so we ditch the girls and head out....so now i have from the beginning of the night until 1am all pieced together but there are still way too many questions i have;

Where did we go at 1pm?
Why did I sleep on Suzi's front stoop?

Ok, I guess that's only 2 questions. Suzi continues....1am rolls around and he gets a call from the girls to get back to their place which we more than happily oblige...as soon as we get there he's gone with his girly and i am left to make small talk with the roommate...this part is blurry but i do remember my phone ringing as i'm laying next to her fully clothed and she is in some state of undress and that's where i'm black out drunk again....so i know i must go from this house back to Suzi's stoop and Suzi stays there with girly but still no recollection how and still too much missing time to simply brush off....shit!!!

OF COURSE!!! My incoming call log on my cell phone!!! It cock-blocked me at 1:30amish....it surely has all the answers...I looked at the screen...1:37am incoming call from Peter! Yes! Peter had also been bartending the previous night with Eli, he would surely be the keymaster!!! I called Peter and he was still awake from the last night. He went on to tell me that I showed up in a cab back at the bar and ended up going back to his place with him, a couple waitresses (Serenity and Isabelle) and some other friends to party. He said the last he saw of me I was down on the street in front of his place in Serenity's car and from what he and everybody could see from his 3rd floor apartment window "something" may or may not have been happening....really??? Dressed as a priest??? C'est incroyable!!!

Anyway, I confirmed with Serenity that she had dropped me off at Suzi's place and that she was in reality digging through her purse placed precariously on the center consol (sure)....and then Suzi's neighbors confirmed with me that I had been banging and pulling on the apartment front door from 3am to about 3:30am buzzing the buzzers trying to get let in until someone yelled down they were calling the cops at which time i could be heard placing my incoherent and failed booty call.....i spent like $200 on starbucks gift cards as apologies......

The morale.....there is no morale.....apologies to any of the church going population....i was young....i was an idiot....i was offensive for no rhyme or reason....i used to party hard....too hard some may say....i take full accountability for all my actions always....i'm thankful i've never hurt anyone and that i've toned it down.....as always my life is pretty much an open book.....

...oh yeah...Suzi and me went out again that following night.....now that got messy....

B.@.Dcap: The Bachelorette Wii - S1 E01

2010-11-22T05:25:00.001-07:00

You guys wished I could be a contestant on the show. Well, here we go.

We fade in on me and the other 3 Bachelor's looking up at hill at… well, at whoever this Bachelorette is. She is in some grotto thing. We’re all staring up at her.

We go into the mansion, and Chris Harrison introduces himself. I’m gonna try to get in good with Chris. He seems to pretty much be the gatekeeper for everything that goes on here. Like when Rated-R and Syphilis both did the same thing to Ali last season, everyone ended up hating Rated-R and not hating Syphilis. So if I decide to bail, I’d like Chris to be able to portray me in a positive light so that my transition to Hollywood goes as smoothly as possible.

Our Bachelorette is DeAnna Pappas, a Real estate agent from Georgia. Chris says America fell in love with her when she was on The Bachelor, and now it's her turn to be the Bachelorette.

I'm with 3 other dudes this season, all competing for DeAnna's attention. One dude is a shaggy longhair named Michael. One guy is a black dude who is the only one of us to not wear a tie to this opening ceremony, and his name is Nate. The other dude looks half Asian, and goes by "Ke-ith." (Not sure how to pronounce that one.)

Chris tells us he can provide a brief overview of the game. I've never played this game before so... pass.

Chris wishes us the best of luck on the journey.

Group Date: Air Balloons… Of Love

Nate, for the ladies, is wearing a sweater over a dress shirt. He looks like Twofer from 30 Rock. Michael, for the ladies, thinks he's being all cool by wearing a brown leather jacket... with a stripe. Ke-ith, for the ladies, is wearing a hoodie.

I am wearing a snazzy aqua dress shirt and jeans ensemble. Clothes make the man. Super cas. I don't like to dress up to blow up air balloons.

So during this date, me and the other 3 dudes are trying to inflate our air balloons. The idea is to inflate your air balloon the fastest. I'm guessing air balloons are a thing for her.

Sorry, but I don't know how to make this sound exciting. I won. It turns out all there is to blowing up an air balloon is holding down a button to keep the pressure at a certain point. Go figure.

Winner: B.@.D

Last Place: Ke-ith

Group Date: Off-Road Racing… To Love

So we're going off-road racing now? Fuck. I was a little distracted by the fact that they didn't let me change out of my dress shirt before we did this. Sure Ke-ith didn't mind, that dick is in a hoodie. Like he has some kind of advance knowledge of what the events will be. DOES HE HAVE SOME KIND OF ADVANCE KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT THE EVENTS WILL BE?!?!

What was also distracting was having Ke-ith kick the living shit out of us on the ATV's. Now, I don't believe in that old Asian stereotype that says they're always all over the road. That being said, this asshole Ke-ith was all over the road. He completely railroaded the rest of us. While we we're disoriented trying not be killed by his driving, he was able to beat us to the finish line. I ended up third.

First Place: Ke-ith
Last Place: Michael

Group Date: Skating… To Love

I can’t skate. But this wasn't even just skating. DeAnna wanted us to make HEXAGONS in the ice. But we couldn't just skate in a hexagon pattern (whatever the fuck that even is) we had to complete the outline of the hexagon BEFORE any snowflakes landed IN the hexagon. And it was SNOWING.

Yeah, I don't get it either. She's a weird chick. I'm pretty sure this was just a rib that she and the producers got a big kick out of. But I rolled with it, because it's all part of paying my dues. Anyway, the fact that I can't skate did not deter me from winning this fierce competition. Ke-ith kept getting in my way though, and made this a close call. Crouching Tiger here is going to be trouble.

Shaggy has been last place for two competitions now. The whtie shaggy dude wasn't good on ice - the swerves are starting this season already.

First Place: B.@.D
Last Place: Shaggy

Group Date: Quiz Show… ing To Love (Sure, why not.)

So she took photographs and wanted to ask us questions about them. I'm... not sure why. I guess she's just really into photography. Also wierd was the fact that all the photographs we're apparently of past contestants of the show, so I guess she's stalking people on top of that. I’m starting to question if I even want to marry this girl. But then shit got even weirder. She would reveal the pictures only a bit at a time and we had to be the fastest one to guess what it was.

These other dudes killed me in this one. I was last place! Maybe that’s good though. I don’t need to get off to a start where she thinks I’m going to indulge EVERY weird fetish she has. I already blew up an air-balloon, off-roaded with an Asian, and skated in fucking hexagons. So I just pretended I lost on purpose.

And guess who got first. Precious KE-ITH of course. What a shocker. This is getting depressing.

First Place: Ke-ith
Last Place: B.@.D

So we're all sitting at the mansion chilling out in our suits. The fucking open bar at this thing is awesome!!! It would make Dylf weep with envy. Top shelf booze. The bartender is making me Mojito's and not even calling me gay! Even if I end up not liking DeAnna, if I can avoid Ke-ith's ninja off-roading and picture-scrutinizing skills, I think I'm going to stick around just for this.

Twofer is still not wearing a tie. I bet he thinks he's sooooooooo cool.

The date card shows up. Please be for me please be for me please be for me - it's totally for me! YES!!!

Chris says "DeAnna would like to keep the intimacy going. She's waiting for you with a 'bottle of her finest'". We’s gettin' drunk tonight!!!

Well, actually I'm already a little bit drunk. Here's hoping she finds that attractive. Stupid open bar. I better get someone to drive me to wherever she is. Is it considered racist if I ask Twofer to drive me? It's probably considered racist if I ask Twofer to drive me.

InDUHvidual Date: B.@.D

So we're sitting on the couch as far away from each other as possible. You know how I do, I start off slow. We're chatting and nodding at each other.

Then Chris tells me that this date could use a little more excitement. It's our first date, Chris. Chill the fuck out, man. We haven't had a chance to even get drunk yet. Well, I mean I got drunk at the house with the guys. But we haven't had a chance to get drunk TOGETHER yet.

Chris didn't listen. So to create excitement, the props department started dropping feathers on us! It seemed pretty dumb to me, but she kept looking right into the camera and saying how magical it was, so I decided I better just roll with it. I thought it might impress her if I tried to catch as many feathers as I could.

Then I looked up to the roof... AND TWOFER, SHAGGY AND KE-ITH WE'RE THE ONES TOSSING THE FEATHERS DOWN! Which isn't so bad by itself, I was actually kind of touched by their support - but they we're trying to make sure I wouldn't catch the feathers! What the fuck, guys??? Obviously they knew she would be impressed by my feather-catching abilities so they we're trying to make sure I didn't catch any of them. This was pretty disheartening.

Anyways, Feathergate didn't work. Thanks to these guys, I couldn’t just stand there and catch feathers though. I was running around the room like a fucking madman trying to catch feathers!!! I was sure she would think that was weird, but she didn’t. She was laughing and clapping like she was a child and I was a baby seal at the zoo.

And it was worth it. I caught 12 of them.
Amount of feathers you need to catch to get DeAnna Pappas to make out with you: 12

Yeah, she totally did. After I was done catching feathers, she moved the pillow that was on the couch between us out of the way. She got about 3 inches from my face to make out with me, then the camera panned to the other side of the room so the audience watching on national TV couldn’t see what we we’re doing. We don’t need America thinking she’s some kind of slut.

You don't need the details. Which is good, because she totally gave me a handjob. She didn't know the other guys we're in the room trying to sabotage me, and I didn't tell her. I wanted them to see me and feel emasculated.

And let me tell you, it was fucking hot. I'm already falling for this girl. I know it sounds crazy, because I wasn't sure before this first date, but now I'm falling uncontrollably in love with her!

I finally understand all those songs on the radio now! I KEEP BLEEDING... KEEP KEEP BLEEDING LOVE. I KEEP BLEEDING... KEEP BLEEDING LOVE.

Then I told her to get the fuck out and went to sleep. All these competitions and tugjob sessions can wear a guy out.

~~Bullshit~~ Rose Ceremony

Now that I'm in the rose ceremonies, they're no longer bullshit. It was a little uncomfortable standing with the other guys though, because I just don't get why they would try to destroy me professionally on my date like that. I gave up EVERYTHING to be here. ($30... Canadian.)

Are they not here for the right reasons or something? I won't forget this shit.

I get a rose, I'm safe. I put the switchblade back into my pocket.
Nate gets a rose, he's safe.
Ke-ith gets a rose, he's safe. I take the switchblade back out of my pocket.
Michael doesn't get a rose. He gone.

Eliminated: Michael

Chris says that he knows this week wasn't easy, but that he wants to congratulate us for making it through. He says the next round of dates is coming up soon, and asks if we're ready. Is that rhetorical? I AM SO READY TO FALL IN LOVE ON THE NEXT ROUND OF DATES!!!

Do alliances work on this show? If so, I'm going to see if Twofer wants to team up on Ke-ith.

Next Week, On The Bachelorette

"B.@.D finds out incriminating information about Ke-ith. It turns out that not only does he ALREADY have a girlfriend back home… BUT THE GIRLFRIEND IS DEANNA’S MOM!!!"

Well, not really. That’s just speculation that I’m planning to use against Ke-ith in interviews.

I'll be in my trailer.

B.@.D

Yessssssssss!!!!

2010-11-19T06:00:00.002-07:00

.....the guy on the left looks familiar.....

Adult Truths

2010-11-18T06:00:00.001-07:00

ADULT TRUTHS

I did not make this up but thought I would pass it along.

1. I think that part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is a great need for a sarcasm front.

5. How the hell are you suppose to fold a fitted sheet??

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Google Directions really needs to start their directions on number 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all agree to just ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to re-start my collection... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my 10 page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet that on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with an alcoholic drink than with Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "avoid ghetto" option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still did not hear or understand a word of what they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I will look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still do not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey- but I'd bet everyone can find and push a snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, everytime.

24. The first "cup" was used in hockey in 1874, and the first helmet used in 1974. That means it only took men 100 years to realize that their brain is also important (did not check dates on this one).

Stampede Cougar!!!

2010-11-17T06:00:00.002-07:00

So a number of years ago I was having a conversation with one of my good friends F. Voltage about band names that we thought were cool as shit and she came up with what I thought was pretty much the fucking best ever......"Stampede Cougar". Being from Calgary and having attended the "Largest Outdoor Show on Earth" a number of times I have fallen prey to a Stampede Cougar or two and my memories are tinged with equal parts of both exhiliration and humiliation....once or twice being thrown out before a husband comes home....yikes.

Anyway, I was so inspired I decided to write the lyrics to Stampede Cougar's self titled break-out single (I acutally went through the effort to copyright the lyrics as well, so don't think you can steal this and take credit for it bitches...) Try to imagine a dirty guitar riff between verses much akin to something by the band Everytime I Die off the album "Hot Damn!" or "Guttar Phenomenon"

Stampede Cougar

Ivory white claws
Daggers for teeth
The Stampede Cougar fucks like a beast!!!
Oooh!!!

Aging Fe-lion
Sensing the end
Will fuck the most fierce...with shrieks that will pierce!!!
Aaah!!!

Stampede Cougar!!
Stampede Cougar!!

She buys you a drink
Knows you're a snack
Making you bleed with her nails down your back!!!
Oooh!!!

Year after year
She returns to the slaughter
Play your cards wight...go mack on her daughter!!!
Aaah!!!

Stampede Cougar come on!!

Bring your daughter!!....to the slaughter!!....she's much hotter!!....hotter!!....HOTTER!!! YEAH!!!

Ivory white claws
Daggers for teeth
Beware of her smile and what liese beneath!!!
Oooh!!!

She prays on the weak
With luck you'll survive
Cause the Stampede Cougar will eat you alive!!!
Aaah!!!
Run to the hills cause she'll eat you alive!!!

Stampede Cougar come on!!!

Bwahahahaha!!! Shitastic.....anyways, F. Voltage can be found on blogger on her blog "What's Radder Than This?" http://voltagesays.blogspot.com/

Say what?

2010-11-16T06:00:00.001-07:00

I love reading my trashy celebrity blogs online, in fact it is now built into my daily work rountine. Into - not around. Today i noticed this article and couldn't resist commenting...

Jenna Jameson Hopes Sons Won’t Question Her Past

For Jenna Jameson, actions speak much louder than words.
(Usually this is the case in porn)
When the former porn star welcomed now 20-month-old fraternal twin sons, Jesse Jameson and Journey Jette with Ultimate Fighting Championship star Tito Ortiz, the new mom put her past behind her — and hasn’t looked back since.
“I really don’t think I need to say, ‘Mommy was a porn star,’” Jameson, 36, reveals.
(No sh*t, i'm sure every other kid in their class is going to remind them)
“I feel like they’re going to know me and think, ‘Mommy loved us so much that she quit everything and made us her jobs.’”
(Probably mostly she quit because pregnant porn is a bit 80's and they have laws these days about having children on film sets)
And according to Jameson, that’s exactly what she did — including removing her breast implants.
“I thought, ‘I’m getting rid of these things. I don’t need them anymore,’” she says, adding that she was surprised to find herself a natural at breastfeeding.
(WTF? It took you having kids to realise you didn't need plastic water pouches inserted in your chest?)
“The moment I decided to have children I quit. I won’t even do a Maxim cover.”
(And this is redeeming... how?)
Now happily settled in Huntington Beach, Calif., Jameson is thrilled that her “really beautiful family community” has embraced her for who she is: a mom.
(a s*ut)
“Here I’m not ‘Jenna Jameson’; I’m just one of the moms who walk a double stroller every day,” she explains. “I’m a normal girl with all the same worries and insecurities. I just happen to have done porn.”
(You happen to be the biggest name in porn. Your poor kids who are going to get reminded about it every day of their lives, and also every time they turn on a hotel adult channel)

Counter-Article: Could Facebook Destroy Your Marriage?

2010-11-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

Could Facebook Destroy Your Marriage?

By Ian Kerner

Published September 16, 2010
FoxNews.com
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2010/09/16/blast-past-facebook-destroy-marriage/?test=faces

This is an article I found when trying to find a trailer for that movie "The Social Network", which looks pretty good. The article will be in italics. My responses will be in normal text. The picture attached to this article is fucking awesome. You read the title, then you see that. It's people having taudry sex... WITH THE FUCKING FACEBOOK LOGO ON IT!!! Oooooh how scandalous. The article hasn't even started yet and I'm already angry.

The movie "The Social Network" is about to hit theaters—but is your marriage already taking a hit from Facebook?

No.

No, your marriage is not taking a hit from Facebook. It isn't. I can't possibly be.

Because Facebook is not an entity. It cannot speak. It cannot act. It does not have a heart. It does not have a soul. People talk about Facebook like it's a building that walks around doing shit.

You are Facebook. Facebook is you.

Having a Facebook account is a lot like owning a gun. Owning a gun by itself is not dangerous - at all. It's how you use the gun that matters. A gun can't walk outside by itself and go shoot the first kid on a skateboard it sees. It needs a person for that. And no one in history has ever walked outside, shot the first kid on a skateboard they saw, and then been like "damn gun."

If so, join me at Good in Bed, where we’re discussing the downside of social networking.

You have an article series called Good In Bed? I guess that explains the picture, but what explains this article, and that picture being attached to this article?

We all know how the story goes: Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl—blah, blah, blah. Save that version for Hollywood. How about this one? Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy grows up and marries someone else. But then Boy rekindles the friendship with his former flame on Facebook—and ends up totally wrecking his marriage.

No. No, uh-uh, stop right there, whoa, back up, brakes.

I'm not sure what is more glaringly stupid about the last part of that statement. The notion that someone NEEDS Facebook to connect with an old boyfriend or girlfriend, or the notion that a marriage or relationship that's so weak that it can't sustain the adding of said old boyfriend or girlfriend... could possibly be the straw that could actually make someone even CONSIDER terminating their legally-binding contract of marriage.

I’m hearing this real-life story more often: A tale of high school sweethearts trying to go “back to the future,” only to realize they should have been content to leave those memories in that old shoebox in storage.

And this relates to Facebook... how?

In the end, we’re only human. We all romanticize the past, men and women alike. And no memories are more potent than those first youthful fumblings. We tend to remember the good parts and forget the bad. Until the advent of Facebook, though, most of us were compelled to leave the past in the past and move on. But now exes of all stripes—high school sweethearts, college lovers, former hookups—are popping up on Facebook.

As for romanticizing the past, okay, you're right there. But seriously - if your marraige's trust-foundation is composed entirely of CheeseStrings, (and I honestly think that is how some people prefer it for some reason, but hey, whatever moves your furniture) then WHY ARE YOU ADDING YOUR EX or lover or fling or hookup or whatever in the first place?

And I’m no exception. In the past few years, I’ve heard from at least three exes who wanted to be my Facebook friend or found my website and e-mailed me out of the blue. And while it’s ever-so tempting to accept these friend requests, or to fire back a quick “of course I remember you” e-mail, I haven’t done so. That was then; this is now. And in those rare instances where I have accepted an ex as a Facebook friend, or written back, I’ve informed my wife and let her read every correspondence. Not because she doesn’t trust me, but because we have nothing to hide.

... because everyone who you ever heavy-petted with MUST be out to jump your bones, right bud? It sounds like you're saying that everyone... BESIDES YOU... can't grow up or move on. It can't be because someone might legitimately want to see how you are? Are you saying that... you're SO sexy that everyone wants to fuck you... AND that you're such an asshole that no one cares how you are beyond the fucking?

But okay. You've informed your wife. That is a good move, absolutely. I do wonder how much water there actually is in that " it's not because she doesn't trust me!" statement, but because I don't know you, let's accept that as the case. You're being supervised on a level that can't be comfortable for either of you. But if that's what makes you happy, go for it.

Once you have something to hide, that’s where the trouble begins.

Well no shit. That goes without saying. Pointing out the obvious doesn't make your point any more valid.

So are you spending more time Facebooking with a former fling than face-timing with your partner? Being in a long-term relationship isn't easy. To do it well, a couple must maintain a high degree of transparency and dependability. For example, at any given time, my wife can text me, e-mail me, ping me, call me on the cell, try me on the home line, or sometimes just walk into the next room and tap me on the shoulder if she’s feeling particularly energetic. It’s safe to say we pretty much know each other’s move, which admittedly doesn’t always make for the most exciting relationship.

I'm not sure where you're going with this. This doesn't flow at all. Nor does it seem to have anything to do with Facebook. It sort of sounds like you're trying to say that some people get bored of fucking each other. Is that it? If it is, that's a problem completely independant of Facebook and any exes you have that are or aren't on there. Being bored of schtupping the same person isn't solved by going on Facebook and talking to some other whore you've schtupped. You can't fuck someone with Facebook.

... can you? Is there an app for that now? There are a few ports on my laptop that I'm not entirely sure of the function...

While relationships require transparency and dependability, sexual attraction thrives on the opposite: unpredictability and mystery. Therein lies the relationship rub: how do we share everything with our partners and yet also remain mysterious and unpredictable? By working at it, and not turning to the Internet for our thrills.

Sexual attraction thrives on unpredictability and mystery? What the fuck? Since when?

So this is no longer about Facebook? It's about the internet now?

When two people strike up an e-mail or Facebook relationship, it’s easy to begin idealizing each other and blur the line between fantasy and reality. An intense sense of intimacy is quickly fostered. The instant gratification of these technologies stimulates reward centers in the brain, and it’s easy to find oneself craving the quick hit of an instant connection or lamenting its absence. Even without the senses driving attraction, the mind goes into overdrive and imagines that this is the perfect person and the perfect relationship. And when an ex is involved, the stakes and temptations are even higher. It’s all too easy to let the past hijack the present.

The sad thing is, the guy is dead on at everything in this statement and there are actually idiots out there that do think like that. That's pretty sad. I'm not sure if you're still saying Facebook is destroying marriages anymore. It is the fucking title of the article after all, but if you're still going with that, then your argument gets weaker and more distant with each paragraph. It sort of seems like you've given up.

Let's talk common sense though - if you're spouse is getting a bit bored in your marriage... and then goes online to Facebook and falls in love or cheats or whatever... with an ex or otherwise...

... maybe you're better off.

And maybe Facebook isn't to blame.

Maybe Facebook even did you a favor in showing you that your spouse isn't built for a long-term relationship, and is, in fact, an extremely weak person.

My point is, no one who's ever lost a spouse do this kind of thing has ever gone "FUCK YOU FACEBOOK!!! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"

Here’s something else interesting: As a sex therapist, I tend to hear a lot about people’s sexual habits, both when they’re with their partner and when they’re on their own. In terms of self-pleasuring, there was a time not so long ago when most men used their imaginations to fuel their fantasies and guys would scour their own erotic histories for “memorable moments” in order to get their fingers to do the walking. But today, the Internet offers so much intense visual stimulation and variety, and makes gratification so easy, that most men have forgotten how to use their sexual imaginations or simply are too lazy. It’s like the difference between reading and watching TV.

Now there's a fact I could have done without.

You're a fucking SEX THERPAIST?!?! Holy shit. You really should not be sitting down with people, as a professional no less, and telling them that the internet is ruining their relationship.

If you can't fuck your wife because porn is somehow ruining it for you... THEN YOU SHOULD PROBABLY STOP FUCKING WATCHING PORN!!! Don't throw your computer out the goddamn window. For fucks sakes, how does anyone live without e-mail in this day and age? And you can't buy a cell phone WITHOUT web capability anymore. So do you tell these idiots to toss the phone too? There's magazines located at gas stations, so you better stop driving too.

Fucking quack.

However, men who are Facebooking with their exes and falling in love all over again are often skipping the computer when it comes to self-pleasuring and going back those potent formative memories to get themselves off. That’s how strong the past is – even stronger than Internet porn!

But you just said...

Whether you’re a man or a woman, if you find you’re thinking more and more about the past, and getting to the point where you’re fantasizing about what it would be like to be with that person again, it’s time to unplug your computer—get back to your lover

Professional Sex Therapist is right. No one ever thought about their ex without the help of a computer. So turn it off. Get back to your lover, push all those your mentally-crippling doubts about your marriage to the back of your head where they absolutely posatively will not fester, close your eyes, and do the best you can to not picture someone else anyway.

It will all be over soon.

I'll be in my trailer. I need to get back to my lover. (Dylf gets uneasy when I'm gone for long periods of time, or go on the internet.)

B.@.D

Reading the Twilight Saga Results in Divorce

2010-11-11T06:00:00.001-07:00

Recently I decided to move back home with my parents. Although I have to admit I felt a little bit ashamed at the idea of moving back at the age of 25, I ultimately decided it was the best thing for me to do right now. The problem is that I have been in a serious relationship the past 4 years and living with my boyfriend. You can imagine how it went over when I told him I was moving out after all this time. So far, we have still been trying to see each other in a relationship even though there are a lot of confused and hurt feelings on both ends.

My boyfriend's friend, JS, is a born again Christian. He is getting married for the 3rd time at the end of December this year. He is currently unemployed and his house has been foreclosed, but he cannot move in with his fiance until after they are married for religious reasons. When he found out I was no longer living with BF he asked if he could stay there for the next month and a half. My BF has a heart of gold, so he said yes.

I was over there yesterday, and BF was telling me how JS has a theory on why I moved out. I imagine the conversation went something like this:

JS- Jaderberri read and liked those Twilight books right?

BF- Yea, she is into that kind of thing.

JS- I have 3 other friends who were married or in serious relationships and broke up, and all of their wives read those books too.

BF- ..... so?

JS- So I am telling you man, there is something going on with these books.

BF- What do you mean?

JS- What are the chances that all these people broke up and all the women read the books?

BF- Yea, I'm not sure that has anything to do with it....

What are the chances? Well I would say pretty good. If not Twilight then at least one of the vampire type books anyway.

I wonder how many women read those books and didn't end a relationship. The idea of this is just so incredibly ridiculous to me, especially when one considers how many marriages end in divorce, how many people read fantasy/horror novels, etcetera anyways! And a little but insulting that he ACTUALLY thinks that my reading some stupid book about a vampire who glows in the sun falling in love with a clumsy teenaged girl could somehow subconsciously influence me to move out and leave my BF of 4 years to fend for himself. Like it couldn't have anything to do with the fact that he has 2 kids under the age of 7 with two different women, cannot get a driver's license, has not been able to keep a job for more than a few months at a time since we have been together (he is in construction), and has major debt problems that I really am not seeing the end of any time soon... No, that has nothing to do with it. It MUST be because I read the Twilight Books. It is so obvious there is a correlation going on here guys.

So Beware: before you or your wife reads Twilight be advised, it may result in divorce.

Free Range!!!

2010-11-10T06:00:00.002-07:00

So awhile ago I spent the weekend in Kamloops with my in laws and needless to say there were copious amounts of spirits imbibed by all with my kids being the sole exception.....my 2 year old daughter had to drive and her 6 month old brother was working the nav........anyway, the first night I found myself deeply ensconced in conversation with my sister in law Jaiden over some occurences in Vancouver back in 2008.....specifically Peta protestors throwing paint on people wearing fur jackets.....now before anyone starts thinking that I am a supporter in anyway of the fur industry let me state upfront that i get it, i understand the whole fur is a crime thing......got it, moving on......my sole issue is when one private citizen imposes their belief system to damage the private property and physically endanger another private citizen, no matter how fucked up that private property is (fur, etc....) ......i would seriously take exception if someone threw paint on my baby for wearing fur, not that my baby would wear fur but she might wear very convincing faux-fur......oh fuck it.......this is all getting too circular and hypothetical....anyway, this conversation with my sister brought on an epiphany......Free Range Fur Baby!!!

On the Free Range Fur Farm all of our minks and chinchillas will live a full, fulfilling life where they roam our 20 acres of lush forest free to mate, feed, kill and repeat.....when the elderly rodentia are ready to move on we will provide a peaceful garden atrium where they can be surrounded by their closest family members until they pass on at which time, with the utmost respect we will skin them and produce fine outerwear garments out of them......i would anticipate though, that even this would be looked on with shock and horror by the anti-fur hoardes.....especially the on-site restaurant........which is fine, but in consideration for those extreme extremists, i have had another epiphany.......in the spirit of the famous Richard Connell short story, i propose starting a tour guide operation a la "The Most Dangerous Game" where I take a busload of extreme animal rights activists.......to the Arctic Circle, where they get to stalk Inuit hunters and throw paint on their Seal Skin/Fur garments in the ultimate act of self righteous indignation.........wonder how well they could dodge whale harpoons and blubber axes???

.....now our conversation went on to discuss the dawn of time when human life was that of Cro-Magnon or Neanderthal man. For all intensive purposes, man was at the bottom of the food chain in those times with the majority of life on the planet being equipped with resources (fangs, claws, teeth, size) which were far more efficient for killing than anything that our distant monkey man relatives had with one exception.....our big beautiful brains....so i guess if i follow the logic of the militant Peta activists, our ancestors who were just grasping the concept of how to shit in the woods should have treated all the wild animals in prehistoric times in an ethical and responsible manner, and definitely not worn their hides or fur in an attempt to avoid the harshness of the Ice Age and rendered ourselves extinct. I know that we have evolved since then and we know better now, and I fully believe that we do know better and should be more responsible in our treatment of all the earth's inhabitants animal, herb (ahem) and otherwise.....but throwing paint on personal property??? Really? One day someone is going to throw paint on the wrong individual's personal property and end up having their fellow protesters picking fragments of their skull and brain off of the sidewalk.....

maybe i'll just play it safe and wear my human hair garments from now on....no one has thrown paint on them yet........

Great Big Sea

2010-11-09T06:00:00.004-07:00

Thanks to a freak prairie storm it was touch and go as to if the band would actually be able to make the drive from Regina to Calgary on Wednesday. Thankfully they got here a mere hour before having to be onstage. Close and nervous call for those of us who had paid $70 plus for tickets. It always amazes me when I think of all the hours spent on the road, especially when they come onstage with an hour prep time and give one hell of a killer show.
Mind you for the first two or three songs I kept nervously eyeing the smelly guy standing rather close to me. Just saying but if your going to be going to a crowded place you should at least shower first, or at the very least apply deodorant. I wasn't really nervous because he was standing so close, to be honest, I was nervous wondering what he thought about me. I know what your thinking what does it really matter if he didn't even bother to shower, what he thinks of anything. I guess that could be seen as having a very big ego. To be standing in a crowd and be worried that everyone was thinking about you, either that or severe paranoia.
But in reality the conversation inside my head went like this:
"he's staring"
"is he staring?"
"whats he looking at anyways"
"time to enjoy yourself"
"relax listen to the music you love Great Big Sea"
"everyone is dancing and laughing and your just standing here like an idiot"
"now everyone is going to be looking at you weird because your not signing and dancing"
"if I sing people will be looking at me weird anyways"
"people must be wondering what the heck is wrong with the freak over here"
That's just a sampling, it kept getting worse almost to the point I couldn't relax and loose myself in the music and experience. I've often heard it said you can be your own worse enemy, and in this case that sure is true. I think I really need to work on positive self statements. That would be half the battle. As the saying goes your only as good as you feel, and well, if you keep telling yourself your crap that's how your going to feel. Now I am a realist. I'm not dumb. I know there are people out there who look at me and immediately judge me because I am not 150 pounds, or because I have a zit on my cheek, or because my hair isn't long. I am also aware that there are people who could care less about any of that, its those people I should be listening to, not the others. The problem is, its the others that mirror my inner voice. How do i get that to stop?
I leave you with a song played at the concert. A favorite line "the hardest part of life is to live while your alive". How true.
Here and Now by Great Big Sea
The sun must set to rise The light will leave your eyes again Then breaking like morning's dawn Does summer feel the winter come The hardest part of life Is to live while you're alive my friend So sing an unwritten song Or repent for the deeds you left undone This is Here This is Now It's the moment that we live for And we just can't live without It's all clear to me now We've already started dying And our time is running out Oh, Right Now Time is ours to steal She's a secret to reveal my friend And when your children have all grown You'll wait by the window And wish them all back home Walk a little further off the beaten path And we'll drive on even if we get there last Our backs against the wall And we will lunge and bite And we'll rage, rage, rage against the dying of the light

The Balls On You

2010-11-08T06:00:00.003-07:00

So a few weeks ago, I saw my first pair of these little beauties:

I just about ran my god damn car off the road.
Upon arriving at a functioning Google machine, I went to Ask.com and typed in the following:
"I just saw balls hanging from the back of a truck. What the fuck is this bullshit supposed to be?"

I had to refine my terms a bit, of course. And filter through the portion of results that turned out to just be porn (about 98%). Eventually, I came up with the following.
Source: Wikipedia.org
Truck Nuts, also known as truck balls, BumperNuts, BumperBalls, or truck scrotums, are accessories for pickup trucks and other vehicles. Capitalizing upon the association of trucks with machismo, truck nuts resemble human testicles inside scrota of various colors. This trend began in the United States in 1998 and first sold on the internet in 1999. Truck nuts are used as a statement by the car, truck, ATV, and/or motorcycle owner to boast/amuse/shock him/her self and others. Truck nuts are installed at the rear of the vehicle in such a way that they are suspended in full view of motorists and others behind them.

Are they fucking serious? ARE THEY FUCKING SERIOUS.

You actually feel the need to put balls on your truck. Having a big engine isn't enough anymore. You have to SHOW people that aren't lucky enough to see your awesome engine that the truck has balls... BY PUTTING ACTUAL BALLS... on the back of the truck for everyone to see.

Holy shit man. Just HOLY SHIT. The mind reels. Are you fucking kidding me? If there's any road accessory that screams "I'm a classless piece of shit" louder than this one, then someone has to show it to me.

Even better - go to Google Images and put truck nuts in it. You'll see a TON of pictures that people have taken POSING WITH THEIR TRUCK NUTS. Like it's a god-damn trophy! Like this dude:

Here's a little something for the ladies.

And I wanna see the person that THIS kind of marketing actually works on:

"Excuse me ladies, I know you love my truck balls, but I'm trying to back up here."

I'll be in my trailer. You'll be able to tell which one it is because I'm going to put a giant cock on the top of it. Sort of like this:

So yeah. I will be in my giant cock trailer.

B.@.D

Screw that

2010-11-05T06:00:00.002-06:00

Setting the scene: I work in Melbourne, which is the capital city of our state. I live a 60 minute train journey away down the coast. I catch the train to and from work every day. Yesterday i left the city a couple of hours earlier than normal, after an appointment i had ended early. I got on the train which was semi-full and took a seat. I ended up in the funny seats at the back of the carriage where there are 4 seats across, effectively travelling 'sideways' and opposite those four, were 5 seats. Three guys occupied these, one at each end and one in the middle. I sat at one end of the 4, there was already a lady sat at the other end. Hence, there were 2 spare seats between us. Confusing you yet?

I fell asleep rather quickly, as i normally do, while holding my coat and backpack in my lap. 30 mins into the journey, the train stops to pick up more people, and i'm awoken by someone sitting down on my coat (which must have drooped over to the seat next to me) and pulling it out of my hands. No problem, sit up straight, gather belongings more compactly in my lap, smooth hair, skip ipod song and try not to get in anyone's way. As i skip the song, i can hear what she's saying, she's calling down the carriage to what i imagine is her husband, and he comes down to our seats, and squeezes into the 4th seat. This lady i imagine is about 40 years old. She is still talking, and since i have a slow song on play i can still hear every word she's saying. The comments were in such an aggressive tone, and some were as follows:

'These city workers, think they're so fuc*ing good, taking up all the seats, think we can just stand like we're dogs, just sleep all over the seats, f*ck that just because they are working in the city they treat other people like crap, they think they're so good dressed up in their clothes like their going to a funeral or something, f*ck that society is so f*cked up'

I could feel my face getting so red with anger. Now, they were dressed in sweat pants and they smelt like alcohol, so perhaps she felt intimidated? I SO wanted to say something back at her but i couldn't get my words into order so it wouldn't sound like i was being stuck up. Here's the thing, we'd been on that train for 30 mins, why would i be rubbing elbows with the lady who was already sitting there when there's no one else in the other 3 seats. Why would the 3 guys across from us do the same? Why WOULDN'T we fall asleep in 30 mins, sorry for not anticipating you getting on the train and cosying up earlier. She did not ask anyone to move down so she could sit next to her husband, if she HAD of i'm sure anyone would have moved for her. What right does she have for making me sound like a bitch when i give up 2.5 hours of every day in travel time going to WORK?! As if i want to be on that train every day, as if i want to be stuck sitting next to people like her hoping my coat doesn't need dry cleaning to eradicate her odour from it. I'm sorry if my outfit offends her too, you don't think i'd rather be wearing sweats than stockings, high heels and stuffy blouses?!

Society IS screwed up lady, but don't forget - IT WORKS BOTH WAYS!!

Watch Your Fuckin' Language....

2010-11-03T06:00:00.000-06:00

My mom always told me to watch my language as I was growing up but I never really paid much attention. I remember vividly when I was leaving the house to go attend my big brother's grade 12 graduation. Mom, Dad and Grandma were going to be coming up in the car and I was walking up with a buddy of mine. The last thing Mom said as I was walking out the door was "Now watch your mouth!!" I turned back laughing and said, "Come on mom, I'm not retarded....I'm not gonna stand up and shout 'Hey, congratulations cocksuckers.....' " Having fully forgotten that Grandma was in the house I turned around to see her jaw on the floor and Mom and Dad steaming mad.

Regardless, I never took much heed in her warning even after this event until I became a parent. Once your kids hit 2 years old they will repeat everything you say, and actually even before that. Of course I'm the father who is constantly chastising his buddies when they come over and start dropping F-bombs every other word. I'll admit though that I'm the worst culprit, not with the profanity, just with words and phrases you don't expect a 2 year old to pick up on. A couple months ago we were driving in the car and the modest 1992 "hit" Detachable Penis by King Missle was on the radio and I repeated the chorus "Detachable Penis" once or twice. From the back seat I hear my daughter sing a long as well "Da da da da penits". Wifey was super impressed. Other phrases and words that my daughter has picked up on that I'm sure could potentially land her in protective custody if she chooses the wrong time to display her quickly growing vocabulary; "My dope" and "Ho's".

Mom was right, I gotta watch my mouth. Next thing you know I'll be minding my manners and eating with utensils.......

An Evening Of Facebook Status Update Comments With B.@.D, Mizzle, and Dylf...

2010-11-01T06:00:00.030-06:00

So I put up a Facebook status update a little while back one night while I was working late and bored. The status update was a line from the Johnny Cash song "God's Gonna Cut You Down". Each line after that is a comment on that status update. As you can see, things very quickly spiraled downward.

With due apologies to Jaderberri, The Prince, and... actually, it's probably just easier to apologize to everyone at once. Sorry for what you're about to read.

B.@.D's status: You can throw your rocks, hide your hands, working in the dark against your fellow man. But as sure as God made black and white, what's done in the dark will be brought to the light.

B.@.D's Girlfriend: ?

It's Johnny Cash!

I thought you we're being racist again.

Can't it be both?

So it was?

Maybe.

Nice play. Most didn't see it coming.

I'm thinking of making my next update something to do with necrophilia$
(The "$" was supposed to be a period. Damn BlackBerries.)

Please do. And please involve $.

People will pay me for that?

Just write an article about it. That's all I want. But it has to have money.

Am I for it or again' it?

I think you should be both, as if you are putting out feelers.

Presenting an argument for both sides... I like it. Like I'm a politician talking about abortion.

Yeah, just wondering what people think. Then you will support it either way.

Mention how it's not something I'm into, but how I can certainly understand the appeal?

And appreciate the dedication that must be required.

Saying how I feel bad for the families of the departed, but how they'd probably be happy that their remains are being put to partical use, like if they had been an organ donor.

... this conversation was probably better suited to BBM.

Wait until I post it as an article. Better copy it over before someone flags it as inappropriate. At least Dylf will appreciate it.

He's gonna need that "Prince" sock again.

You think this is too dirty for the Jaderberri sock?

He wouldn't want to let her see that side of him... yet.

Maybe we can cliffhanger that for sweeps in the third season or something.

*sharpens pencil*

*puts coffee on*

i knew i could feel someone taking my name in vain....
(This was like 30 seconds after the last comment. HOLY SHIT! Talk about timing.)

Like a disturbance in the force, except instead of a wierd headache you just got turgid and started thinking about The Prince?

i'm always turgid....it was like some type of hyper-turgidity....

Obviously. But The Prince part was accurate, right?

i'm always thinking about the Prince...

DAMMIT. Now I'm thinking about The Prince too!!!

t's hard not too....it is also hard....too

Well this certainly got out of hand.

....or did it get....in hand???

I don't get what you m OH MY GOD!

God has nothing to do with it....

Maybe you could replace my picture on the back of your wife's head with The Prince's... just for one night though. I'm okay with being substituted, but not replaced.

it would be like replacing the splenda in my coffee with sweet and low.....

So you admit that I am healthier but not QUITE as tasty? I can live with that.

done....goodnight pepsi

Pepi. And it's over? I'm going to miss our hot necrophilia debate.

I'll be in my trailer.

B.@.D

Was Karaoke too much?

2010-10-28T08:19:00.001-06:00

The answer is a resounding YES! Karaoke was indeed too much! I guess I should have been smart enough to know that for someone who hasn't been inside a bar in almost three years, going to a bar and standing in front of a crowd singing was going to be too much at one time. But there are times when I question how really smart I am and this is one of those times.

Let me set the scene for you. Every Friday night a group of neighbours go to karaoke. Since I moved in here they have asked me to go at least a half a dozen times but I always had some excuse. Imagine how surprised they were Friday morning when I asked if I could tag along. Well I guess some part of me should have known if they attend karaoke every week they are probably pretty good, but of course I was not thinking this at the time and promptly agreed to meet at K's house for some pre-festivity lubrication. At K's we decided instead of me going on there solo K would sing with me. So we decided to do "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" not too much singing for me but enough to get me onstage in front of people.

After a few hours we all piled into a cab and descended on the karaoke bar. I, of course, couldn't go first so I made K start with a tune. Honestly how was I supposed to know he sang "Born to be Wild" as if he were Randy Bachman himself? I cant even begin to describe how intimidated I was when time came to sing, especially when you consider I haven't really had much singing practice since Glee club in high school, can you hear the rusty pipes? I don't think K even got through the first verse before I completely chickened out and fled from the bar. Now keep in mind this was also my first time in a bar in a really really long time so I was pretty anxious about that as well. In retrospect working up to the karaoke by going to the bar should have been step one followed at a later time by actually standing in front of a bar full of people. But you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.

So this week, I am actually going to a concert. Assuming that is, that I'm not too traumatized from the karaoke last week. I have had these tickets since they went on sale a few months ago - Great Big Sea at the Southern Jubilee Auditorium tonight and tomorrow night! I keep wavering between selling the tickets on kijiji or eBay and actually going to the show. So I'm going to the show! For those who don't know Great Big Sea, they are a folk music band from my home province of Newfoundland, check out www.greatbigsea.com for more information and to listen to some tunes.

And for the big finale...

Sean Penn Hates Me

2010-10-27T06:00:00.002-06:00

No amount of liquor will satiate me...
and my disposition to yell has been much worse lately...
this sweet vermouth doth not abate me...
but why the fuck is he yelling?
I think Sean Penn hates me...

Nero is evil and Caeser stately...
Milk turns to honey and then to rapeseed...
I wax and I wane and my rhetoric dates me...
It's still a Shanghai Surprise,
Why does Sean Penn hate me?

A sideways glance or a turn of a phrase...
He chews scenery yet the public still pays...
If he were a doughnut he'd be honey glazed...
If Sean Penn doesn't kill me,
I'd be quite amazed...

A personal life mired in Hurlyburly...
one of constantly dodging the paparazzi...
He craves the solace of mediocrity...
and that's what I have,

that's why Sean Penn hates me.