Beacon House Adoption Services

Naming Your Child

2012-01-12T07:14:00.000-08:00

One of the most important things an adoptive parent is asked to do after they decide to adopt a child is to choose a name. This is a very personal decision and helps create an instant bond with your child. No longer a nameless, faceless little person, your new addition now has a name by which she will become known.

Naming your child is often a difficult decision. Many people plan and think about names for their children for a long time; they may have already chosen special family names or ones that they like. In most cases, when you receive a referral of an internationally adopted child, you will be given medical and developmental information along with their Russian name. Many people struggle with how to change or keep their child’s Russian name. Some of the factors that must be considered are age, cultural ties, and the complexity of the existing name.

A common misconception is that a child’s name may have been chosen by her birth parents and thus deserves special consideration. This is not always the case, especially when children are abandoned at a young age. Instead, orphanage workers, or government officials may have named your child. Even more perplexing is that the child’s legal name may not be the name one that they go by. He may be called a derivative of the name, a nickname, or another name that someone else may have chosen.

Cultural considerations help foster a child’s heritage. These may be especially important to help maintain the cultural identity of a child who is of a different ethnic heritage than her adoptive parents. Keeping at least part of a child’s given name can help provide an important link between birth country and adopted country. This may not seem important to a child when they are younger, but it may be when they begin to understand adoption and their origins.

Snegurochka (Снегурочка), the Snow Maiden

2011-12-28T06:18:00.000-08:00

After the 1917 Revolution, Christmas was banned throughout Russia, along with other religious celebrations. The Russian people were concerned about giving up their traditional Christmas celebration. So they re-invented the New Year's holiday tradition to include a decorated tree, and introduced a character called "Grandfather Frost." Known as "Ded Moroz," Grandfather Frost looked very much like the western "Santa Claus" - except he wears a blue suit. Snegurochka (Снегурочка), or the Snow Maiden is often depicted as the helper or granddaughter of Father Frost.

Snegurochka is often the found in Russian Fairy Tales. In one story, she is the daughter of Spring and Frost, She falls for a shepherd named Lel, but her heart is unable to know love. Her mother takes pity and gives her this ability, but as soon as she falls in love, her heart warms up and she melts. In another version she becomes a mortal princess and lives out her life to a ripe old age.

My favorite version is the one of a woodcutter and his wife who were childless. They make a girl out of snow, who comes to life. Their many endings to this tale but many agree that even though Snegurochka, melts, each year in winter, on the first day of the New Year, she and Grandfather Frost return to Russia and visit children, bringing them gifts and helping them to make their dreams come true, as they did for the woodcutter and his wife.

Babushka - The Gift Giver

2011-12-19T06:13:00.000-08:00

During the communist era, many religious traditions were suppressed. Before the Russian Revolution, a figure called Babushka would bring gifts for the children. (Babushka means Grand Mother in Russian)

According to the legends, Babushka is a grandmother, who was to busy to accompany the Three Wise Men to visit Baby Jesus Christ. When Babushka felt guilty of her deed, she took a basket full of gifts and set out on her own to find Baby Jesus. However, due to her refusal to accompany the Three Wise Men, she failed to find the Christ Child, having arrived too late to find him at the Manger.

According to tradition, she still roams the countryside searching for the Christ Child and visits the homes of children during the Christmas season, leaving presents as she goes. Although Babushka never completely disappeared, today is has been replaced primarily by Grandfather Frost and the Snow Maiden: Snegurochka.

In this re-telling by Sandra Ann Horn, Babushka actually finds the Christ Child. “Babushka sets out to find the child, bringing a warm shawl and other presents. Along the way, she meets several people in need and generously gives away her gifts. Imagine her surprise when she reaches the stable and sees the baby wrapped in her shawl with the other presents nearby.”

New Take on a Russian Tradition

2011-12-16T10:55:00.001-08:00

New Take on a Russian Tradition

A favorite Russian Christmas Eve Traditions is “ The Holy Supper." The family gathers around the table to honor the coming Christ Child. A white table-cloth, symbolic of Christ's swaddling clothes, covers the Table. Hay is brought in as a reminder of the poverty of the stable where Jesus was born.

A tall white candle is placed in the center of the Table, symbolizing Christ as "the Light of the World." A large round loaf of Lenten bread, "pagach," symbolic of Christ the Bread of Life, is placed next to the Candle. For our take on this Russian tradition, we have a gold tray in the center of our dining room table, on it is a white cloth doily, a single candle stick with a white candle and a miniature bale of hay.

This is just one example of the many ways you can incorporate your child’s heritage and your own to create your own family tradition.

Getting Started with Adoption

2011-12-11T20:15:00.000-08:00

Adoptions can be accomplished with a variety of help. Adoption agencies, attorneys who specialize in adoption, even unlicensed facilitators work with adoptive parents around the world. In order to assure the best chance of success and the least number of problems, adoptive parents must have guidance in choosing who they will entrust with helping them to build their family.

There are guides available to benefit parents when making this choice. Should you choose an agency or an attorney? Do you want to try to locate a birth mother on your own? Do you want to hire a facilitator? In order to make the right choice, you really need to figure out if the entity you are considering can accomplish what you want. It won't help you if you are working with an agency that only processes international adoptions if you want to adopt from the US.

There are some simple questions a prospective parent can ask in order to determine if the agency provides the services that the adoptive parent needs. [See below]. At the end of the day, though, it's really about whether the adoptive parents feel comfortable with the agency they have chosen, based on what is important to them.

Sample questions:

Do you have a specialty, and if so, what is it?
On average, how many children each year do you place from the program I am interested in?
What are the steps necessary to work with your agency?
Will you be doing my home study? If not, will you assist me in locating an appropriate service provider?
What is the average time to adoption in the program I am interested in, and what are the variables that may affect that time?
Can you provide me with an estimated total cost for the adoption that I am interested in?
What do those fees include? What do they exclude?
Do you have a contract I have to sign? What are its provisions?
For international programs, do you have staff in the country where I will adopt?
What are the travel requirements?

There are adoption guides available with lengthy lists of questions for interviewing agencies and attorneys. Beacon House recommends that you talk at length with the people at the agency to determine if you are comfortable, rather than just conducting an interview.

The Third Trimester of Adoption

2011-11-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

Congratulations, you’ve made it through the first and second trimester of your paper pregnancy. The first two trimesters have been filled with paper chases, apostilles, e-mails, and emotional ups and downs. The third trimester is more of the same. Remember that for some families, adoption is a breeze. For others, it can be a daily challenge. Whichever group you find yourself, with the completion of your adoption fast approaching there are some changes you need to be aware of.

Difficulty Breathing: This is very common during the third trimester of a paper pregnancy. Self doubt and second guessing are commonplace. This will increase as your court date approaches and you move closer to becoming a forever family. You may find that you are able to breather easier as the 10 day wait or revocation period draws to a close. If you're experience difficulty breathing taking a daily walk may help improve stamina.

Back and Hip Pain: Will occur once your baby arrives if you have not prepared to pick up and carry around a 10-20 pound baby or toddler. Always use front facing baby carriers but be warned, 40* something’s may have a harder time getting up and down when playing gin the floor with baby. *Also prone to stiff joints and muscles in the morning.

Heartburn: Warning, completion of our dossier can cause heartburn. To relieve or avoid experiencing heartburn, drink plenty of clear liquids, avoid spicy foods, sign all documents using your full name as issued on your passport, and make sure that your notary has at least a year left on their commission.

Breast Growth and Changes: Sorry Girls, the booby fairy will not be coming to your house. Surgical enhancement may be your only option.

Increased Urination: As your court date approaches your urination frequency may increase. You'll even find that you'll need to get up several times throughout the night, if you are tossing and turning or experiencing insomnia. Other common irritants include nervousness associated with boarding a plane for a long flight, or the inability to go to the bathroom when the fasten seat belt sign is on, which could be a problem if you drink the water while in a foreign country.

Swollen Extremities: Your child and the space that he or she will require will start to put pressure on your spouse to complete the nursery. You may experience ladder climbing, baby bed construction, paint rolling, curtain hanging, and last minute shopping. Some women may even experience swelling in their legs, ankles, feet, shoulders, and hands. To reduce swelling or soreness, remember that my definition of manual labor is: “watching a man at work”; and revert to first sentence of this paragraph.

Adoption is a time of change, progression, and development. When you know what to expect during your third trimester of paper pregnancy, you can better prepare yourself. Enjoy this quality time with your spouse, once the baby arrives date night may be converted to family night and consist of take out from a fast food restaurant and videos of singing puppets

Early Days Together

2011-10-10T06:03:00.000-07:00

    Adoptive parents go through a similar pre-attachment process to their child that biological expectant parents experience. While adopted children may form attachments to caregivers, they rarely have the opportunity to experience pre-adoption attachment to adoptive parents.
    Often families expect an immediate bond with their child. This may or may not happen. If it does not, this is not a cause to be alarmed but a normal part of the adjustment process. Children must learn to trust parents before forming attachments. While a bond may be instantaneous, secure attachment must take time to develop. Secure attachment can take several years.
    Babies who are special needs and non-special needs, as well as biological children can have issues with attachment and developmental delays. For a child, residing in an orphanage increases their risks. The younger a child is at the time of adoption, the less trauma they may have experienced. Even so, during the early days together, many children may experience withdrawal, inconsolable crying, fear, shyness, avoidance, lack of interaction or expression, temper tantrums, or exhibit a fear of one parent.
   Babies bodies may feel a bit floppy if they have low muscle tone or muscle atrophy either from rickets or lying in a crib all day. They may appear listless, and may not smile or. Thrashing heads, refusing eye contact, sucking their thumbs or rocking is also common. Some children exhibit the opposite: they may be clingy and can not bear to be out of your sight.
    Even very young babies experience grief and loss. Children who are being removed from everything they know, regardless of the positive or negative circumstance they were in, will experience trauma. The more attached they were to a particular caregiver, the more pronounced the grief.
    Babies may refuse to eat, even if they are hungry. Try frequent small meals with as few dietary changes as possible. What goes in must come out. If a baby is not eating, she may not go to the bathroom. If the baby is difficult, not eating, etc., you must find out why. Consult with your in- country representative, physician, adoption agency, adoptive parent mentor, etc. who may have some suggestions for you. If babies are sick they may need medical care. If not, they usually begin to perk up, and become more interactive within a few days.
    This can be very frustrating time to parents, especially inexperienced, first time parents who may feel insecure in their new role. I can not stress enough how important pre-adoption education is. Now is the time to read, read, read, and take as many adoptive parenting classes, on post adoption issues, attachment, international adoption, etc. The last thing you want to happen is find yourself in a hotel room with your baby, wondering what to do next.

Adapted from Adopting A Daughter from China, Hoppenhauer

Myths about RAD

2011-09-20T10:39:00.000-07:00

If you have adopted or are considering adoption, you may have heard it before:

“I adopted from X because children from the country of X don’t have Reactive Attachment Disorder.” Adoptive parents perpetuating the myth

"Children adopted from Y might be strong willed; they need that to survive, but they do not have Rad.” Agency specializing in adoption from Y

“I don’t want to adopt from Z because all children adopted from Z have Rad.”

Prospective adoptive parent- has never met anyone who has adopted, or works with adoption from Z

Unfortunately these are common statements, often heard within the adoption community. Adopted children often have early obstacles to overcome, but each country has it’s own unique strengths and weakness. Immunity to Reactive Attachment Disorder is not one of them. If you do a Goggle search you will find support groups for families who have adopted from many countries. Groups like Attach-

China

; while only one example of, many, clearly would not exist if Chinese children were immune to RAD.

Any child in an orphanage; regardless of country, is at risk for having problems with attachment. (Even biological children can have attachment issues.) An adopted child that has lived in an orphanage or in foster care has almost certainly experienced breaks in the cycle of attachment, trauma, grief and loss, abuse or neglect. Adopted children, even when coming from orphanages that are considered to be “cream of the crop,” experience a degree of trauma. Loss of control, language, favorite caregiver, friends, and everything familiar can all adversely affect children, and can be contributors to RAD.

My son’s Russian orphanage is a perfect example. At age three he knew his numbers and colors, and spoke in complete sentences. At the baby house, the children had an exercise room, and they swam in indoor pool/tub, and drank hot herbal tea afterwards. He knew the orphanage director and was clearly fond of her, and was well prepared to come to live with us. But even he, in what I consider an optimal orphanage setting, experienced a degree of anxiety, and trauma. Each time a child experiences trauma or breaks in their cycle of trust, the more difficult it is to overcome early obstacles.

Realities, not myths, must serve as the foundation for your adoption. It is important to make informed decisions, based on research that includes adoptive parents who have adopted from the countries you are considering, and adoption experts experienced in working with, and placing children for adoption from said country.

If you took the most healthy, well rounded 2-year- old, whisked him away from everything he knew, and cared about; you would except that child to experience trauma. He would have to go through a transitional period of rebuilding trust because there was a break in his cycle of attachment. We as adoptive parents get to pre-attach to our child, but children rarely have that luxury. As a parent you must be aware of all possibilities so that you can “prepare for the worst, hope for the best.”

The myth that one country is better than another or immune to attachment issues is a disservice to adoptive parents. Adoptive parents who are not prepared to parent a child, who may have attachment difficulties, are simply not prepared to parent there adopted child. Your child needs you to assist them with any obstacles that might impede attachment. You can not so this if you are not aware of the possibilities.

Grandparents and Adoption

2011-09-11T15:16:00.001-07:00

How do my parents or in-laws view adoption? Will they accept him as part of the family? Will they view my child differently or treat her different than the other grandchildren? These are all legitimate concerns that prospective adoptive parents have. Even when grandparents are “on board” with the adoption of a grandchild it is easily to be apprehensive about

Often these pre-adoption jitters are based in concern for their own child, the adoptive parent, getting hurt. Most grandparents quickly overcome any obstacles or anxieties once they say they meet and see the interaction between parent and child. Family bonds are forged by an adoption decree, but the act of parenting and grand parenting strengthens and solidifies those bonds. Family traditions should include the adopted child regardless of his age at the time of adoption.

Grandparents should spend quality time getting to know the child and it is important for them to understand the complex issues of adoption. The following tips should help adoptive parents prepare grandparents for their new role:

Adoptive Parents should

1. Talk openly and honestly about adoption. Try to clarify any misunderstandings.

2. Teach Grandparents positive adoption language, example: birthmother versus natural or real mother.

3. Teach grandparents how to respond to adoption questions.

4. Remind Grandparents that certain details about an adoption are private, and that they should limit the information that they share with others.

5. If the child is of a different race or culture, try to incorporate cultural traditions or holidays to be included along with other family traditions.

6. Help them understand that non-traditional or different parenting techniques may be necessary. Especially one that are designed towards bonding and attachment, or logical consequences.

7. Educate grandparents about the adoption process.

Grandparents should:

1. Continue to follow any family tradition to include the newly adopted child.

2. Treat all grandchildren equally. This includes not only forms of discrimination but also an over emphasize on being ‘special”

3. Find positive traits it their grandchild and enjoy getting to know them.

4. Brag about them: it is a grandparents right to do so.

5. Take pictures and show them off.

6. Recognize that any child that is adopted trans-racially will experience prejudice and be prepared for it.

7. Recognize that the child is a permanent member of the family. Acknowledge familiar family traits: he walks like Uncle David, she her Mother’s laugh.

The Arm Curl

2011-08-19T07:03:00.000-07:00

This morning, I watched in surprise as my half asleep 14-year-old, ate her breakfast; spoon in her right hand, left arm curled around her cereal bowl. I had not seen that in a while.

For a short period of time, after Callie first came home from Russia as a three- year- old, she would move all her dishes so they would touch. Her glass would have to touch her plate, the bowl would have to touch the plate. As she became westernized it did not take her long to decide this combination looked like the famous Mouse.

The arm curl lasted longer. The arm curl was designed to protect her food from other children. In an orphanage food can mean the difference between life and death. Any crumbs that fell on the table would get the finger lick. That’s where you lick your fingers, touch the crumbs so they stick and then you put them in your mouth. Any food that fell on the ground was also fair game. I like to think they used the 5 second rule in the baby house, but the reality is that they simply could not afford to waste food. At 40 months, Callie weighed less than 25 pounds.

Callie ate almost everything and while she would not overeat, she would eat until she could not eat anymore. Then she went through a phase of having a few bites of food and not wanting to eat her complete meal. She had to become acclimated to having enough food when she was hungry. Her body had to adjust to the differences in being hungry versus, the reality of knowing what true hunger feels like: that gnawing always feeling hungry, feeling.

She grew 5 inches the first year home and has already beaten her growth prediction by 4 inches. But some things from early childhood you never outgrow. My left handed child still holds her silverware in the right hand and days like today the subconscious take over and without realizing it, we see the arm curl.

Strong Enough to Overcome

2011-07-21T10:10:00.000-07:00

Eleanor Roosevelt said that “ a woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” This is especially true if you put her in a position where one of the most fundamental elements of being a women are denied: motherhood and infertility are a few examples that come to mind.

I always say that “ whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” It would certainly apply to my path to Motherhood: infertility, IVF, a failed adoption, etc.. It can be disheartening, watching friends get pregnant, undergoing successfull fertility treatments, and adopting. It’s easy to give in to the anger, the sadness, the why me’s, and the poor me’s.

At times it might have been easier to give up, but that would not have helped me to reach my goal. The desire to be a Mother was stronger than the temptation to give up. I had to overcome many obstacles in my path to achieve this goal: finances, fraud, and delays, were just a few.

One thing that I have learned is that adoption is a great lesson in faith and patience, the later not being high on my personal list of virtues. We are used to making things happen; things that are in our control, and this loss of control can be especially disconcerting; when our bodies, or medical treatment fail us.

So ask yourself: “Am I strong enough to go the distance?” You’ll probably find the answer is a resounding YES! Perseverance pays off and know that whatever obstacles arise they are not insurmountable. It may not be easy, and at times it might just stink, but I do believe that when the timing is right your baby will be yours, whether through adoption, or not.

Update on Russia: July 2011

2011-07-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

After 15 months of negotiations, both Russian and the United States have agreed upon terms of the new Bilateral agreement on adoption which should improve international adoption from Russia.

It should be noted that, despite a lot of conflicting, and sometimes misleading information, Russia continues to be one of the most well established and consistent international adoption programs in the world. In 2010, Russia was the third largest sending country; where it has been ranked, every year, since 2006.

Since we at Beacon House, began working in Russia in 1998, we have seen many changes over time. We expect that the signing of the bilateral agreement, Russian adoption will increase in speed: as inactive regions resume adoptions, and regions currently closed to singles lift restrictions.

Currently, Beacon House family’s average approximately 13.5 months from the time they start the application process to the time their child comes home from Russia. Adoptions from Russia are being processed, business as usual, with little waits for boys and short waits for girl.

Most children available for adoption are Caucasian, but there are also Eurasian children available for adoption. The average age child at the time of adoption is 15-18 months. Health wise, children adopted from Russia range from good/ minor-correctable special needs to moderate/special needs.

For more information on the health of children adopted from Russia, see our blog: from Monday July 11, 2011: http://beaconhouseadoption.blogspot.com/search/label/Russian%20adoptions
Families, who are interested in learning more about Russian adoption, can get the most up to date information about our Russian adoption programs by contacting us at: information@beaconhouseadopt.com or by attending a Russian Adoption Webinar, or adoption workshop. A complete listing of events can be found at: http://www.beaconhouseadoption.com/calendar.html

Domestic Versus International Adoption

2011-07-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

Deciding to move forward with an adoption is often the culmination of a lot of time, research, and soul searching. When it’s time to choose, there are many reasons why people decide domestic versus international adoption. When it comes to adoption, there is no right or wrong. It is an extremely personal decision and adoptive parents need to make the choice that is right for them and their family. No matter which type of adoption, a family is formed. Some of the factors to consider are:

DOMESTIC ADOPTION

The cost for a domestic adoption may be less expensive.
Less paperwork than with international.
Less travel/no international travel.
A child can be placed with a family shortly after birth.
Child has ability to try to locate birth parents as an adult.
Often more medical information and family history available.
Adopting a child of a same or different race.
Connection to a birthmother/family.

INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION

More children available for adoption.
Little chance that the birth parents will try to locate the adopted child
Not being matched with birthparents or birthmother changing her mind.
Not competing with other would be adoptive parents.
Wanting to adopt more than 1 child at a time.
Adopting a toddler or older child.
A connection or family heritage with a particular country or culture.
A desire to provide a home for a child who resides in an orphanage.
Easier to estimate length of time of adoption process.

US/ Russia Bilateral Adoption Agreement

2011-07-14T06:29:00.000-07:00

The US Department of State and the Department of Homeland Security announced today, that at 2pm EST, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov have signed a bilateral adoption agreement between the two countries. After 15 months of negotiation, both countries have agreed upon the process necessary to safeguard and improve international adoption from Russia.

Now that this agreement has been signed, it must now be ratified by the Russian Duma. At that time, we will see specific requirements that will be in force under the agreement. The US Department of State in cooperation with the Russian Federation will publish criteria, procedures, and clear guidance related to the Agreement prior to the Agreement’s entry into force.

Since Beacon House began working in Russia in 1998, Russia continues to be one of the most well established and consistent international adoption programs in the world and continues to be one of the top countries of choice for international adoption.

It is expected that Russian adoption, while never prohibited, yet somewhat slower in the past year, will increase in speed. We anticipate that inactive regions will resume adoptions, and regions currently closed to singles could once again open doors to singles, which would allow more single women to adopt from Russia.

The following are proposed key points to the new agreement:

1. Adoption Agencies working in Russia will have to be Hague Accredited. (Russia is not a member of the Hague Treaty on Intercountry Adoption.)

2. Independent adoptions will no longer be allowed.

3. Improvements in post adoption reporting, pre-adoption education training, and child’s medical and social history records that are provided to adoptive parents.

4. Additional requirements for Adoption Agencies that are Accredited/ Russian Permit for Adoption Activity.

5. Enforcement of Russian citizenship requirements for children who retain Russian citizenship until the age of 18; to include passport updates and change of address.

For current Beacon House families, any changes to adoption procedures, documents, etc. will be addressed as soon as we receive these details. Our commitment to excellence includes assisting you in making any changes that may affect you as effortless and efficient as possible.

Families, who are interested in learning more about Russian adoption, can get the most up to date information about our Russian adoption program by attending a Russian Adoption Webinar, or attending an adoption workshop. A complete listing of events can be found at: http://www.beaconhouseadoption.com/calendar.html .

A list of questions and answers on the agreement can be found by reviewing the website of the state department. See http://adoption.state.gov/content/pdf/FAQs_re_Agreement_07_13_2011_FINAL2.pdf
for further information.

Older Parent Adoption

2011-07-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

When we started looking into the adoption process some 12 years ago, the information we received form the local department of social services, specifically mentioned that families over forty years of age could not adopt infants.

My friend Wendy (an adoptive Mom) says “you spend your 20’s trying not to get pregnant, your 30’s trying to get pregnant and when you hit the 40’s, decide to adopt.”

Thank goodness times have changed. It is now common place for couples in their forties to adopt- both domestically and internationally. While there are no statistics available, my educated guess would be that older families favor international adoption 55-45% or 60-40% especially for families in their upper forties.

Domestic adoptive parents include those who adopt infants as well as those who adopt through social services. Domestic Adoption is an excellent choice for families who want to adopt older children. (over the age of 5) Caucasian families who are open to adopting an infant that is biracial or African American may have shorter waits than those who want to adopt a child of the same race. With Domestic Adoption families are waiting to be matched with birthparents. This takes time, and time is the one thing that works against older parents. There may be long waits and marketing –both which may be unappealing.

With an International Adoption the estimated time frame to complete an adoption may be a bit more structured than domestic adoption. Intl agencies are matching families with waiting children, so the process is not contingent on being selected, but rather proceeding though the steps. In addition, International Adoption may be more affordable to older couples. Most children are toddlers age 1-3 which may work great for active forty something’s. My husband always appreciated the fact that our three-year-olds were potty trained and slept through the night. The downside: overseas travel may be more harder for business owners.

Whether a family chooses International or Domestic Adoption, there are certainly some bright spots to parenting at an older age. Canadian researcher, Dr. Elinor Ames, who has done extensive research on children adopted from Romania, concluded that younger parents experienced more stress than older parents. It should also be noted that the children in her studies children who had "few, if any difficulties" were in the group who had the older parents!

Advantages to older parent adoption include:

1. More life experience provides a better foundation to advocate for children’s needs.
2. What you lack in energy you make up in smarts.
3. More financially secure.
4. May be more emotionally stable.
5. More patience- you don’t sweat the little things as much.
6. It keeps you in shape, picking up- carrying around, or chasing a toddler

7. Parenting keeps you young- you have to keep up with the latest in electronics - texting, tweets, and more…

Minor Correctable Special Needs Verus Special Needs Adoption.

2011-07-11T16:03:00.000-07:00

We have had a lot of questions and concerns lately about children from Russia being considered Special Needs Adoption. The terms Special Needs versus Non-Special Needs Adoption is not entirely accurate, for any child adopted internationally. The purpose of today’s blog is to address the differences between Minor Correctable Special Needs and a Special Needs Adoption.

The definition of special needs can mean many different things. The same is true when you apply special needs to adoption. Each adoption agency and country has its own definition of a special needs adoption and this can be confusing for adoptive parents.

A cleft lip and cleft palate is a perfect example. A CL/CP is sometimes considered a minor correctable special need, or in China for example- a special needs adoption. However because of the long term cared required of a child with CL/CP; involving multiple surgeries, through adulthood or beyond, (and as a parent of a child with CL/CP), this clearly falls into my definition of a special needs adoption.

A child with Minor Correctable Special Needs is one who has: no known special needs or one who has minor or correctable conditions. This definition should encompass and be used to describe all non- special needs children adopted from orphanages, regardless of the country that they are being adopted from. Children are considered to have minor correctable special needs by virtue of residing in an orphanage; where developmental delays should be expected and anticipated. These developmental delays are most often seen in the form of gross or fine motor skills, speech and language, and under or overdeveloped sensory systems. Children in this category may have medical or developmental conditions that can be corrected or treated with proper medical care: minor surgery, intervention or therapy. It should also be noted that many children are relatively healthy and not all will need or receive this care.

Common correctable special needs could include medical diagnoses such as: rickets, anemia, under developed muscle tone, functional heart murmur, strabismus, intestinal parasites, lice, eczema, scabies, exposure to lead, malnourishment, poor dental hygiene, frequent ear infections, prenatal exposure to Hepatitis A, B, C (with current negative test results) or treated after birth as a precaution for syphilis, possible prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol, and a host of other, sometimes scary looking medical diagnosis, that may or may not actually mean anything.

Children with Special Needs have a medical diagnosis or condition that will require ongoing treatment or therapies. Children are given the label of Special Needs Adoption because they are considered harder to place for adoption. This includes children requiring multiple surgeries, children with permanent cognitive, behavioral, or psychological disorders, children who are medically fragile or children whose circumstances require special attention or interventions that most other children do not.

Children with special needs could include: Cleft lip and palate, positive for Hepatitis A, B, and C, Heart conditions, Down Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, Deafness, missing or extra digits, club foot, known exposure to drugs and alcohol, or experience withdrawal symptoms at birth. Older children (over the age of 4) and children in siblings groups may also be considered Special Needs adoption.

Since 1992, more than 60,000 children have been adopted from Russia and international adoption medicine has significantly improved over the last 5-10 years. A physician who works with internationally adopted children can assist families in the accessing the risk factors of an individual child. The vast majority of children adopted from Russia will grow and thrive in their new homes. Closely monitoring a child’s developmental milestones will assist parents in meeting their child’s needs- special or not.
DH

Uncle Pete

2011-06-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

Shortly before the adoption of our daughter, my husband’s Great Uncle Pete came to live with my inlaws. Uncle Pete was a widower; Aunt Thea had passed away some 30 years prior and they didn’t have any children.

Known as an “Outlaw”, rather than an inlaw because he had married into the family and was not a blood relative, he was quiet the character at 92 years old. I have fond memoires of him dancing at our wedding and he drove his car- until the time we confiscated it at the ripe old age of 89. His favorite saying: “wise is the man who knows nothing.” (Okay girls, I am not even going there- it’s just too easy.)

I recently learned that none of Uncle Pete’s brothers had children either- apparently a male infertiley issue ran in his family. When we decided to adopt, he was one of our biggest supporters. Uncle Pete lived long enough to see Callie home from Russia.

They had a unique bond: she in her bib, needing assistance at dinner- he on the other end of the spectrum, requiring the same assistance. Intuitively she understood and he in turn adored her. She was a dream come true for us and in a sense for Uncle Pete too. At 92 years old his greatest regret in life was that he and Aunt Thea had not adopted.

We miss you Uncle Pete!

The Reluctant Dad

2011-06-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

The Reluctant Dad originally ran in the Beacon House, June 2009, Newsletter. We received such positive response that we have ran every year since.
D.Hoppenhauer

The Reluctant Dad

Other than the infertility issues we have experienced, everything is good. Why change that? My wife wants to adopt, but I’m not sure. Do I want to raise someone else’s’ child? Can I love a child that is not biologically related to me? My wife is not biologically related to me, and I love her…

Each day, I helplessly watch as my wife grows more despondent. Giving her injections for fertility treatments was easier than this. I am not sure what to do.

Reluctantly, I agreed to meet with an adoption coordinator. The agency was very positive and my wife is ecstatic. I haven’t seen her happier in months. I am cautiously optimist.

We received a referral! It happened sooner than I expected so I was not prepared. I wasn’t sure how I felt, but as I looked at the tiny picture I made a vow to myself that I would protect and keep him safe.

Today they placed my child in my arms for the very first time. Our eyes met and I knew that this was what we had been waiting for. Silently, my eyes filled with tears at the overwhelming sense of relief I felt. In that moment I knew everything would be okay. Today, I became a Dad.

The Perfect Child

2011-06-01T06:05:00.000-07:00

For my husband and myself, adoption was the next natural step in our quest for parenthood following four unsuccessful IVF cycles. Many people, including myself, began the adoption process planning to adopt an infant or young toddler. But one thing I have learned over the years is that where we start out at in the adoption process is not always where we end up at.

Take our daughter form example, she was never shown to us by our adoption agency. She would not have been referred to us and had she been ,we would have declined to see her video or biographical information. She was too old. We wanted an infant. She also had a cleft lip and palate. We did not want to adopt a child with a known medical condition. We had never considered a special needs adoption--- especially one that would require multiple surgeries, speech therapy, regular medical consultations, etc.

The first time I saw our daughter on the agency photolisting, (It was allowed back then) I thought that she was a little boy. We were in the middle of adopting a child whose adoption had hit a snag. I half-heartily looked at the registry and the cutest little boy caught my attention.

He was really cute-cleft lip and all, but since we were in the middle of an adoption I did not have any particular sense of urgency about adopting this child. A week later I discovered---oops! This child was a girl, not a boy.

“Oh well,” I thought “that is the end of that.” But I continued to think of this child often. Eventually we lost the referral of the child we were trying to adopt. I knew even before this happened that we were supposed to adopt the little girl with the cleft lip.

While it was an easy decision for me because I knew, I still had to convince others. The first sentence of her medical evaluation, done by an international adoption specialist, was “Wow. What a terrible job they did on her lip.” Another well-meaning individual wanted to make sure that we were not choosing a special needs child by default because of everything that we had been through: unsuccessful IVF, losing a referral, etc.

In the usual overkill mode, I did extensive research on cleft palates, and lips and we made an informed decision. We also turned down two referrals of young infants to adopt our three and a half-year-old. While this was something we had never considered, what we got in return was the most amazing child.

And yes teeth are missing, she has a small scar above her mouth, her nose is slightly crooked and her upper lip still needs more cosmetic work. She sees a dentist, orthodontist, prosthodontist, plastic surgeon, ENT, developmental pediatrician and a host of others on her cleft team. While this sounds like a lot, Callie has grown from an energetic toddler to a beautiful young lady. She may not be perfect, but she was the perfect child for us.

Adapted from Adopting A Toddler, by Denise Hoppenhauer

From First to Last

2011-05-25T12:36:00.000-07:00

If you've ever read any of the Beacon House newsletters or blogs, you might have heard me talk about all the first time events you share with your adopted child: his first smile, the first time he says Mommy, the first birthday party, and first day of school.

But this week, as my youngest child approaches elementary school graduation, I am thinking of last instead of first. The last lunch date in the school cafeteria, the last time I have to drive the carpool, the limo ride on the last day of elementary school (yes, this is a tradition at his elementary school) his last day of safety patrol, his last Valentines Party, and last field trip he wants me to chaperone, and of course the graduation cermony.

Yes my baby is growing up- WAY too fast. It seems like just yesterday we were on our trip to Russia to bring him home. During these eight, short years he has morphed from a clumsy little boy, to a competitive athlete. One who lost a lot of frogs in pre-school, to one who gets compliments for being responsible, well mannered, and courteous. Yes, they grow up too fast but they do grow in many ways. He's grown from a child who was scared to love to one who loves me enormously. Now it's time for the next chapter of his life- middle school here we come!

D.

5 Tips to a Successful Russian Adoption

2011-05-18T12:05:00.000-07:00

Five helpful hints to assist families considering an International Adoption from Russia:

1. With adoption things can change very quickly, check agency references of families who have completed their adoptions in the last 6-18 months.

2. When possible, have medical information reviewed by a pediatrician who specializes in working with internationally adopted children-one who can assess the individual risk factors as they relate to the specific child. The role of the pediatrician is to assist you in making an informed decision, not to tell you whether you should or shouldn't adopt a child.

3. Use an Adoption Agency that is Russian Accredited (Russian Permit for Adoption Activity) or an agency that partners with an accredited agency, but only if they are following acceptable guidelines. If considering a non-accredited agency, be very sure that the adoption is coordinated by the accredited agency’s staff in Russia, not the non-accredited agency.

If the non-accredited agencies staff in Russia would be coordinating your adoption in Russia then this is considered an umbrella rather than a partnership and is outside the guidelines set forth by the Ministry of Education and Science of the Russian Federation. It also brings an added risk factor, in the event that something goes amiss. There could be accountability issues as well as limitations to the accredited agencies ability to advocate on your behalf.

4. Beware the blacklist. In 2009, Russian Ministry of Education & Science sent a letter (commonly known as the blacklist) to regional adoption officials advising them not to accept adoption documents- Homestudies, etc. from homestudy providers, and agencies who they believed to be were delinquent in submitting post-placement reports. Since its inception, the list has been updated periodically and the majority of Russian accredited adoption agencies will not accept Homestudies from an agency that is on the most updated list. Should a family choose to use a homestudy provider on this list that is accepted by their adoption agency, this could result in numerous issues, including having to have a new homestudy completed, delays in the adoption process, or even denial of the adoption petition by the MOE.

5. Avoid rumor mills. You should be able to rely on your agency for the most up to date, reliable information. Russia is very diverse, remember every region works differently and their may be variances with each agency- even when they work in the same region.
D.

Just Relax

2011-05-14T07:08:00.000-07:00

A tongue and cheek look at the age old comment-that actually can get pretty old.

"Just relax, you'll get pregnant."

Really? All the relaxation techniques in the world aren't going to relieve, my hopped up on fertility drugs, too much testosterone, stress induced, cortisol producing body.

To top it off, all the above contribute to weight gain, especially in the mid tummy area, so we now add insult to injury- they make me look -without actually being pregnant.

That's right; baby shower avoider that I am- now: every time I gravitate to the baby aisle, burst out in tears unexpectedly or I look wistfully at someone else's baby, stranger's ask the dreaded questions: "Are you pregnant?" or better yet- "When are you due?"

Do you think a jury of my peers- other infertility challenged Mom's to be - would convict me of murder if I throttled the salesgirl, or ran over someone with my shopping cart?

But hey, let's just relax. While I do momentarily envision tropical islands and Pina Coladas, with my luck it would end up that time of the month. My husband thinks I have PPMS/ Perpetual PMS and I probably couldn't find a swimsuit to fit anyway!

Birth Mother's Day

2011-05-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

The Chinese proverb of the red thread says that an invisible red thread connects all those destined to meet; regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle but never break. Our lives as adoptive mothers are forever entangled with our children’s birthmothers.

No matter what type of adoption you are in: international or domestic, a birthmother made a difficult choice that has given you a child to love forever. Regardless of their situations, without the courageous decisions of birth mothers around the world, many of us would not be mothers or mothers to be.

May 7, 2011, the day before Mother’s Day is a day designated as Birth Mother's Day. While many birthparents are comfortable with their adoption plan, I am pretty sure that no one who actually placed their child for adoption is celebrating this as a holiday. Instead this weekend may be a painful reminder of the choices that she has made. Mother's Day weekend is hard for many women, whether they are birthparents, having fertility issues, in the process of an adoption, or lost a child, sibling, or a parent.

This Mother’s Day, while celebrating your own motherhood, take a moment to show your child’s birth mother that you remember her: respect her decisions, light a candle, say a prayer, send her a note, and if your children are old enough to participate include them in the process as well.

Orphaned Children

2011-05-03T05:38:00.000-07:00

The majority of children in orphanages are social orphans. This means that one or both parents are living, but due to cultural norms, social stigmas, or poverty they have been abandoned or placed in state care. Most orphaned children fall into one of several categories:

1. The child was born with a medical condition and birthparents were encouraged to; or had no choice, but to place their child in an orphanage- in hopes they would receive much needed medical care.

2. The birth parent had planned to parent the child, but due to economic or personal reasons believed placing the child in an orphanage was necessary.

3. The child was removed from the home and parental rights were terminated because of abuse or neglect.

4. The child was abandoned- usually at birth.

5. They are true orphans with no living relatives (less common -except in Africa)

Factors of Adoption

2011-05-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

The four primary factors to consider when deciding which type adoption of adoption is best for you are: age, race, medical/health and cost.

Age as a factor includes your age, the age of the child you want to adopt, and the age of other children in your home. Do you want to adopt a child of the same race or are you open to adopting a child of a different race? What are the health risks of an individual child and how much medical history will you have about the child and her birthparents.

Adoption costs include not only the cost to complete an adoption but long term care of a child. Compare cost and understand the differences in services you may be receiving.

Secondary factors include: travel, time frame to complete an adoption, matching process, available children, which child can you parent, program requirements, your health, other children in the home, career and childcare options.
D.