Bear Tracks

Mathgamhain Nua (Neo-Bear)

2009-07-12T20:40:00.003-04:00

At precisely one minute after midnight on the morning of 9 July, two things happened; I turned 50 years old, and I ended my one year life experiment entitled 'Dying Practice' which I have chronicled in my Dying Practice Blog/Journal.

My actual dying practice will only ever really end with my death... as dying is everything leading up to death, and death requires no practice at all.. once I am dead, death will take care of itself.

Until that time, however, every moment is a moment during which I can try to copy my good actions rather than my unskillful ones, or perhaps create new skillful or good actions. By using the terms good/bad, skillful/unskillful, etc., I am, of course falling into the trap of dualism, however, being a human being, and selecting a blog within which I choose to express myself via the medium of words.. I am stuck with words and with all of the associated attributes that come with words.. so, what am I to do with that other than my best?? In any case, 'good' and 'bad' are not making reference to some absolute benchmark, or to something defined by religious doctrine, law, or any other contrived or constructed measure. By good or bad, skillful or unskillful.. I simply mean that, when presented with a moment... or a moment within a moment.. that I am mindful and wise enough to choose the most appropriate response available to me according the to the true function of the moment.

Living authentically and fully is a stream of such choices... every inbreath and every outbreath offers a host of such choices... but, if we focus on this too closely, we become paralyzed by the sheer insurmountability of the myriad details!

So. How do I proceed?

I sleep when I am tired. Eat when I am hungry. Drink when I am thirsty. When I walk.. I just walk.. that's all. When I love, or laugh, or cry, or simply be... I dissolve completely into that moment, and give myself up entirely into it.

This is what I have learned... so, now comes the tough part. I must practice actually doing it... with every breath... without getting stuck... like a stream flowing... or like a silken scarf sliding off the edge of a glass table..

No hesitation.. just respond appropriately to whatever life unfolds.

Ha! What a crock of bullshit!! And yet, I shall try....

I think I can do it... I am new now. And improved!!

I will be sharing my thoughts from here once again from this day onward, and no longer on my Dying Practice Blog.

I wonder if any of you will come back to visit me?

Some advice...

2009-01-08T18:16:00.002-05:00

**Keep moving forward! NEVER look back!!**

..... Somethin' might be gaining on ya!

Surprise!!

2008-10-31T10:58:00.006-04:00

I woke up this morning, got dressed, and headed in to work. When I arrived, I walked over to the time-clock to punch in, but, much to my surprise, there was no longer a time-card with my name on it. Strangely, the bin which usually contains all of the blank time-cards was conspicuously empty. (!?!?!)

As I stood there, mulling over the possible ramifications of this situation, one of my more senior co-workers approached, with his best funeral-director face on, and informed me not to punch in (as though I could!!), and to just sit tight for a while, as the owner of the company wanted to talk to a few of us...... (That didn't sound good!).

I stood around like a knob for a while, and then the intercom announced an incoming telephone call for the shop foreman... (this has never happened in all of the time I have been there... so it certainly seemed significant....)

At this point, I send my wife a brief text message over the cell phone, as follows: "Luv U- Lookin like I may not hav a job wont know till mike comes in this sucks"

Sure enough, the foreman went from person to person, had a brief conversation, faces went from surprise, to shock, to sadness... shoulders slumped, and folks headed for their individual work areas and began to collect their belongings..... I knew the axe had fallen when he headed in my direction.

"Mike just called... I really hate to have the be the one to do this... he always does this to me... Well, you don't work here any more... They discussed the situation, we are dead... there isn't any work... and, well, they don't have any need of your services any more.... your last check is in the mail. I'm sorry, I really like you.... Whenever he has to let people go, he disappears, and I am always the one who has to do it...."

So... that was it. No job. Surprise!

I went around and shook everyone's hand, wished them well... packed up my few things, and headed out on the lonely drive home.

Anybody hiring??

Dying Practice

2008-06-08T13:00:00.004-04:00

In one month, I intend to begin a year-long 'dying practice'. I have initiate a separate blog in order to explain and chronicle my experiences. Anyone who is interested in following my progress, or in joining me in this practice may view the blog here. The blog is entitled "A Year To Live" and the title is borrowed from the book of the same tite written by Mr. Stephen Levine, from whom I will be drawing much of the material for my practice. I highly recommend the book. I don't intend to go into the why's and wherefore's of the practice on this blog...that is the purpose of the other blog, after all! However, for those of you who may be interested, you are welcome pop on over!

The Jury is Still Out... but...

2008-04-20T11:01:00.002-04:00

Upon completing the first full week of work at my new job, I must admit that the jury is still out insofar as my overall pronouncement of judgment is concerned. There are things I like, and things that I am not quite so keen on... All in all I like the job, and, truth be told I am happy to have a job (the bills don't pay themselves!). As far as this job being THE Job?? -- I'm not really sure yet.. I do have a list of pros and cons;

PRO: The people are calm, proficient, and kind - no need to unravel the intricate knots of office politics here... particularly since, due to the sound of machinery running the entire day, one cannot hear what anyone else is saying unless they are literally closer than arm's length!
CON: The pay is not really very good as it stands right now.
PRO: They pay should increase as I learn the skills that will make me a more valuable member of the crew.
CON: I have no idea how long this timetable of learning and earning will take - and I can ill afford to remain at this pay level for very long...
PRO: The 'supposed' upward end of the pay scale for this job is pretty decent.
CON: There is no guarantee that I will ever see this upward end of the pay scale. I can only try.
PRO: I am more or less left alone to do my work.
CON: I am required to engage in a constant and intense level of physical activity that I have, apparently, become quite unaccustomed to.. every cell of my body is shrieking in pain.
PRO: I am on the long upward climb back to a semblance of fitness... I find that I probably don't really need to be sitting on my ass getting fat and out of shape all day... so that I can come home feeling sluggish and sit on the couch where I can get even more fat and more out of shape!
CON: I am on my feet the entire day.
PRO: I am burning calories the entire day. (It occurs to me that if I am actually burning calories and expending enough energy to lose a little weight ((which, honestly, I could well afford to lose..)) standing on my feet all day won't be so bad - since I won't be carrying so much weight on them!)
CON: I am no longer able to attend the early morning sittings at the Zen Center. I quite enjoy starting the work week with meditation practice, and find that the lack of practice leaves a void that I find disturbing.
PRO: I am busting my ass and hopefully will be in a good position to request permission to come in a wee bit late on practice days at the Zendo.. perhaps I can make up the time or they will simply write it off.
CON: I feel like a bit of a loser, starting from scratch at this stage of the game. Every job I have taken has seemed like a fantastic opportunity at first... and as time wore on, I came to realize that I had swallowed some line and that there was really no opportunity at all; unless you call a dead-end, go nowhere, be verbally abused and exploited type of position a golden opportunity! Somewhere in the dark, dank, sub-sub-basement of my mind I harbor a suspicion that I have been scammed again, and that I will one day wake up to discover that I am a fool who has dove in hook, line & sinker for another bullshit story... and it doesn't do a great deal for my self-respect, truth be known....
PRO: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. All I can do is use my best judgment, put forth my best effort, and trust in my boss to reward it. I can always leave and do something else. Maybe trusting in others... even if that trust turns out to be ill-placed, isn't exactly a portrait of my character; after all, I can only know what my senses offer as clues for me to process... and as more and more comes to light, perceptions are adjusted to reflect a more and more accurate picture of the situation. In this case, my best course of action is to do a good job and hope that the needs of the company will match with my needs in a timely fashion. At least for now, I have a place to get up and go to each day... and a paycheck at the end of the week. Hopefully, my body will quickly strengthen and I my energy levels will begin to increase... that's a benefit all by itself!!

So... that is my current assessment of the new job. I realized as I was working in the garden yesterday, under the sunshine, that there was a noticeable lack of dread concerning the Monday morning return to work. In my last position, although I enjoyed the work, and even my stupid cubicle, I had to put up with a great deal of verbal and mental abuse... and it wasn't really all that pleasant.... that is, thankfully (at least for now!), missing at this job; the people are surprisingly congenial and friendly... so I am happy for that. It nearly makes the pay-cut worth it!! (I probably would have paid the money to make the nonsense go away at the last job had I been offered the chance!).

Tomorrow starts a new work week. I am somewhat more comfortable now, I know (more or less) what I am doing and what is expected of me in my little piece of the process, and I don't really mind the prospect of getting up and going to work. This is much better than fighting my sub-conscious inclination to find some excuse to stay home in order to avoid the nastiness and unpleasant dispositions that I knew I was going to be confronted with!

Not too shabby, now that I think about it! HA!

First Day...

2008-04-14T17:06:00.003-04:00

I am home from my first day at the new job. The people are very nice, so far.. which is a pleasant surprise...

I had a great deal thrown at me, and unimaginable amounts of stuff to learn yet (I am starting at the bottom of the ladder... this is a new thing entirely for me.. so this was expected).

The job entails a great deal of time spent standing, and a lot of lifting, carrying, bending and stooping... so I am a little smoked; I will have to acclimate to this having spent a good while at a job where I sat in a chair the entire day.

Tomorrow, I expect I will be sore... and Wednesday will probably be worse!! But, this is part of the deal... I have been through this process before (the physical process of acclimating to a higher level of activity), so I know what I can expect... I don't look forward to it, but I am not averse to it either.

The first three months or so will more or less suck, and then it wont be as noticable... all in all, I like the job, and I think I will do okay here... Of course, I am still on the new guy 'honeymoon', so its hard to tell, yet... at first glance, though, I think it will all work out pretty well.

Sunday Morning Thoughts...

2008-04-13T08:23:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning to bright sunshine streaming in through the windows.. the air is unbelievably clear this morning!! Everywhere I look, there are signs of spring, and new life...

This, (naturally, I suppose..) caused me to turn my thoughts to my own new life... well, my new *working* life, anyway; I start my new job tomorrow!

This is all new to me, which is exciting, to some degree...but a little bit stressful (which is probably good.. it lets me know that I am approaching the situation with due seriousness.. or something). I have come to realize, in this month of searching for work, how much times have changed while I was not paying attention. Also, I have come to realize that I have reached an age where my age becomes a wee bit of an issue to some folks... (this struck me as a somewhat unpleasant and un-looked-for surprise!) - the bottom line here folks, is that I can't just waltz into a job so easily... people aren't prepared to hire me simply because I am *me*. I cannot necessarily count on finding a decent job very quickly if I happen to find myself suddenly unemployed... and this situation is unlikely to improve with time.. at least under my present circumstances.

So... to put it lightly, it is a sobering thought.

Accordingly, I am not walking into my new job with a cavalier attitude, at all!! I am taking it quite seriously, and it is my stated intention to remain diligent, to work hard, and to find that balance between pleasing the boss, and not pissing off my co-workers... (not such an easy balance to achieve, I think.. but hopefully, still possible..).

I am very much hoping that I am not walking into yet another situation that appears, on first glance, to be a great job, but which, once the shine wears off, is simply another slog job that is fairly miserable and which will get me absolutely nowhere.. no matter *how* hard I work... or, a job where I am forced to deal with at least one person who has such a hideous control issue that it renders them nearly insufferable.
Rather, I am hoping against all odds that I have finally found a job where the drama is minimal, where I am given the tools, knowledge, and information necessary to excel if I am willing to put forth the effort to do so... and, if I *do* excel, it is recognized, without fanfare, and rewarded appropriately.

Lastly, I am hoping that the crew with whom I will be working will be happy to have me as an addition to the team.. as a welcome and appreciated member... and that they will not resent me, sight unseen, for some unfathomable and indecipherable reason or reasons as has happened at previous jobs... (I don't understand this penchant at all... it seems that so long as someone is willing to do their work and contribute to the group effort, that they would be welcomed at least as a fellow worker.. if not as a friend or social acquaintance... I can appreciate a co-workers efforts, even if that person is not someone with whom I would not generally choose to associate outside of the workplace... its confusing!! Anyway... I suppose I am reacting to this confusion by hoping that I will no longer be confronted with it...)
(Brief Explanation: in my previous job, my co-worker was extremely unpleasant towards me. I was told by other workers that this person reacted negatively to the very concept that an additional position was being created, so, essentially, the prejudicial view was not directed at me personally, but to the position that I would occupy... so, how do you deal with *that*??! Answer: I have no f*cking idea... you suffer, basically... it sucks. Period. -- this is why I am fervently hoping that this situation will not be present in my new job. I have dealt with it for longer than I ever would have hoped to in my lifetime.)

I expect to be starting at the bottom rung of the ladder, and I am cool with that... I don't mind paying my dues... actually, I prefer it, particularly if every other member of the crew had to do so... in this way, I remain on an equal footing with everyone else and avoid the resentment that would otherwise be generated. Also, by working hard and by dealing with the challenging bits without complaint, I am afforded a chance to show my mettle, and to earn some measure of respect. This was how it worked in an infantry squad, and I am fairly sure that this translates very well to any group of workers; New Guy gets the crap jobs... and is watched and evaluated under those circumstances... if he does well, he is moved on to bigger and better things... The good side of the crap jobs is that they are generally fairly cut and dried; you don't have to go crazy trying to figure out what it is that you have to do... clean up the stuff, carry the heavy shit.. etc. -- So long as you don't mind busting your ass, you can find a measure of peace in the work. This is a *good* thing!

At any rate, I have all of today to relax, to collect my thoughts, and to enjoy simply *being*. Tomorrow I start my new job, and I can look forward to learning a great deal, and, hopefully, to a whole bunch of new challenges.

Bring it on!

So... Now What??

2008-04-11T14:21:00.002-04:00

I am sitting on the precipice of a new career.... again!! ... it is that moment when one set of routines is ended... most of what is familiar is gone... and I will be walking into an entirely new set of circumstances.

This is not a case of leaving one office job, one desk, one computer, file cabinet, phone, and whatnot and walking into another different, but similar office job... with a desk, and a computer... a file cabinet, phone... and all the other crap that is essentially the same wherever you go.

I am starting an *entirely* different career field... I will be training, as an apprentice, learning a skill... I will be working in a shop, and not at an office...

This is not entirely unprecedented, as I have worked in a great variety of different occupations, and have learned to quickly adapt to whatever set of circumstances I am confronted with...

... and yet..

Here I stand... not knowing what to expect... not knowing what will happen... what my days will be like... what sort of routine I will follow.... nothing!! I find myself in that strange drunkard's tightrope walk between freedom and the excitement of new things to come; and fear of the unknown and a shrieking, helpless plummet into certain death!! It is exhilarating....in a way... certainly thought provoking... and it most definitely stirs my curiosity!

... but the cynical part of my brain simply wonders what sort of shit I will ultimately be forced to deal with.... what sort of people I will be working with, and whether there will be problems and issues, or whether it will go swimmingly well... I find myself wondering if I am falling for some load of crap, and will find myself shaking my head and wondering how I could have been such a sucker... and simultaneously hoping that it will be *the job* that I hope it is.. and that all of the hopes that I have will be realized; that I will be judged solely upon my performance... that hard work will be recognized and rewarded, and that I am limited only by my own reluctance to put forth effort to succeed.

Hope is a funny thing... I remember seeing a show on one of the Geek channels where a former interrogator from the KGB was being interviewed. It seems that this particular chap was responsible for eliciting a huge number of confessions from suspected spies... all of whom were subsequently executed for their crimes. Although some interrogators certainly used torture or other unsavory methods of obtaining confessions, it was submitted that our man did not, in fact, resort to such measures.

The interviewer, incredulous at this claim that such a huge number of otherwise intelligent and self-protective individuals would willingly confess to crimes that would most certainly be punished by a firing squad would agree to set down, on paper -- to memorialize treasonous crimes that they had perpetrated, and towards which their government took an exceedingly dim view.. to this man who quietly asserted that he did no more than engage these suspects in conversation.. that he never so much as deprived them of sleep, insulted them.. or even raised his voice to them!!

The interviewer asked whether this former KGB interrogator would care to explain how he so successfully pursued his goals... and was, thereby, instrumental in the deaths of hundreds, if not thousands, of individuals?

The former KGB man cleared his throat, and very quietly explained that he would simply outline the nature of the crime that the accused was facing...explaining that they would almost certainly be executed. He said that he told each of them that there was essentially no chance of avoiding this fate... that they could pretty much count on facing a firing squad for their crimes. He would then say to them that, even though he did not feel that his influence would help them in any way, that if they wished, they could cooperate fully, throw themselves at the mercy of the court or tribunal, and that he would promise to inform the judge that they had given him their full cooperation. He admitted that, although he didn't think it would make any difference, it was really the only avenue that was available to them. In every single case... 100% of the time... the subjects gave him a full written confession... and were then found guilty, sentenced to death... and executed.

When the interviewer... after a brief, but awkward, silence, asked whether the interrogator had any idea why people would do this... essentially sign their own death warrant by admitting to capital crimes... so reliably; in fact, in every single instance!! His answer to this was, very simply, "There are no upward limits to the capacity for hope in human beings. They harbored a hope that they would somehow escape their fate, and they were willing to try any possible method afforded them to do so."

Facing certain death... they so hoped for reprieve that they were willing to try anything at all... and he gave them just one option; and so they took it, thereby sealing their fate. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.!

Obviously, it is my concern that my hope may be blinding me to the reality of my circumstances...

Since we have not yet found a method by which we can reliably look into the future and prognosticate events that are yet to come... I am left with the conventional method; Going forth into the unknown.. and experiencing whatever the moment unfolds to me.

And I find that I *still* hope that it will work out well for me.....

I went to meet my wife for lunch today... she is going away for the weekend to visit her sister, and it was last time that I will see her until she returns, since I will be working my second job when she arrives home from work, changes her clothes, packs her suitcase, and heads out to the airport. I won't return home until she is already at her destination....

.. as we ate our lunch, we discussed our day with one another, and the conversation turned to the various penchants and idiosyncrasies of those that we work for, and with... we pointed out, with ironic.. and sometimes black humor.. the strange issues and habits of former (and in her case.. current) bosses... co-workers, clients.. etc.

Why *do* people act in ways that are almost certainly not in the best interest of themselves or of the company??

I had a boss who would spend literally 20 to 30 minutes railing and ranting at me for asking a question that wasted no more than 15 seconds of his time!! It may be that my question was ill thought... or that it was a superfluous or otherwise unnecessary question (it/they wasn't/weren't!!) - but, it would stand to reason that if I am asking, I need to know!! I need to know not for my own interests and gain... but in order for me to perform my duties and responsibilities which are beneficial to everyone... since a business that is not performing properly will not long remain in business... and nobody will, consequently, have a place to work any longer!!

She has a boss that is deliberately antagonistic to the new employees in the company... and then he is somewhat mystified when they leave within a relatively short period of time...

I can go on... but everyone has experienced various examples of this type of behavior.

It seems somehow dreary and gloomy to my mind that we are forced by a necessity to earn a living, to have to deal with the neuroticisms, narcissism, control and/or power issues, obsessions, quirks, peeves, rudeness, cruelty and other random effluvia of other people's minds and lives. It is mildly depressing, actually... if I let myself focus on it... because it seems that no matter where you work, you have to deal with someone else's weirdness and someone else's shit! (as if our own bullshit isn't enough to have to deal with!!)

I suppose it is just part of the price of getting by... and since we can't much change it... those of us who are forced to work in a one-down sort of position, anyway.... we have to learn to accept it, and to find a measure of peace with it... or resolve ourselves to being unsatisfied, frustrated, and miserable.

Naturally, neither of us pose these questions with any realistic hope of actually getting or finding an answer... and even if we did, I don't think it would much matter!! -- i.e., Q: "Why are you being such a dick??" A: "Because I can. Feel better now??"

It was more of a way of expressing our thoughts and feelings about this difficulty that we share with so many other folks.. and perhaps finding a way to laugh at it.

Nonetheless.... standing here, on the cusp of a new era in my life, I find myself smack in the middle between Unlimited Hope... and fear of the underlying realities that I may be called upon to face.

All in all, I am looking forward to getting started.

This weekend will be for me, more or less... a contemplative retreat. I may write... I may sit... I may walk... but I will most certainly be silent... and spending much.. if not most.. of the time within the confines of my own head.

It is my plan to do my utmost to succeed at this new position. I want to learn and advance as rapidly as I am capable of doing... I want to increase my income potential to maximum extent possible, in the shortest possible time...and I *so* dearly hope that this is a legitimate situation, in which my efforts will result in some measure of success for me...rather than bitter disappointment, or fruitless efforts... I just want to do a great job, and be fairly compensated for doing so... rather than unfairly ridiculed or belittled by some abusive asshole with an inferiority complex.. To my mind, when I shake somebody's hand and accept a position, I am making a bargain... giving my word... that I will see to the interests of the company as though they were my own (well... they are, in a way!!), that I will be honest, reliable, dutiful, meticulous, and that I will do what I must to ensure that the job gets done in a timely and efficient manner. The other side of this two-way street is that I will be paid for my efforts, treated with at least a modicum of respect and courtesy, that I will not be unnecessarily exposed to danger or injurious circumstances, that I will not be asked to violate the law, and that I will be recognized for my efforts and promoted or compensated for them when such promotion or increased compensation is warranted and/or possible. I don't think it is a great deal to hope for, all things considered...

Wow... it's like I see it almost as a real JOB or something!!

In any case... I needed work, and I have found it. So.. I am happy with that....

Monday is a new beginning for me... I find myself wondering what will happen next?? Its sort of exciting, when you stop to think about it!!

Gainful Employment

2008-04-10T22:31:00.003-04:00

Update - I received a job offer today for the position that I was vacillating about in my previous post. I have accepted, and start on Monday morning.

It came just in time, too...... that was a close one!

It can be hard to read the signs sometimes....

2008-04-08T14:40:00.012-04:00

I went on a job interview today... I left with mixed feelings. I have had a running conversation going on in my head since I walked out the door.

"Well... he seems to like you!"

"Mmmm... not sure if it matters... the pay is pretty low..."

"Well, yeah... but only to start..."

"It'll be a while before it changes!"

"But it *will* change... besides... it's up to you!"

"Up to me??!"

"Of course!! Work hard, don't f*ck around, learn what you have to learn... and do a good job... he *said* he would reward good work/profitable performance as soon as he sees it... that he wouldn't wait!"

"Talk is cheap though..."

"Yeah.. it *is*... but he's in business to make money... if you learn to do the job, and do a good job, he will want to keep you... everybody there has been there a while... the shop is clean, everybody looked competent... it seems like a decent place to work!"

"But the pay really *SUCKS*!!"

"Your paycheck right now ain't lookin' much better, tough guy!!"

[BLUSH] - "No.... it isn't looking much better at all..."

"The phone ain't exactly ringing off the hook.... maybe the world is trying to send you a message... you need to do something different... and you need to start NOW!!"

"Yeah... but, it isn't the most glamorous job...."

"And every other job you had was?? It's honest work... and there aren't layoffs... he will recognize your effort, and reward it with better wages... plus, he said something about a benefit package that kicks in after 90 days!!"

"It probably sucks as much as the starting salary..."

"Asshole! Listen! You don't have *ANY* friggin' benefits... this job will provide you with steady work... it's about ten minutes away from your house, you don't have to use your personal vehicle, you aren't on a ladder or in a hole, or in the rain... and if you manage to learn this stuff and actually get good at it... you can make some decent money after a few years!! *DO* you have a better plan in the works??? You like sitting in front of your computer all day like a f*ck-in KNOB all day looking for work???"

"Not really, no... I feel like a loser...."

"... yeah... you feel like a loser... poor you! From where I'm standing... you're pretty much looking like a loser, too! an *unemployed* loser... so what are you going to do??"

"I'm not sure I can make it on what they're offering.... it's not good.... the money is tight..."

"Dick!! The money is friggin' RUNNING OUT right now.... you *can* make it, actually... you will just have to tighten up your belt for a while... besides, it won't last forever.... work your ass off, and you will make more money. Once you are an asset, they will want to keep you... this makes good business sense!! It's worth a try at least.... .. isn't it??"

"Once I commit to this... I won't be able to find anything better...."

"You won't be able to sit in front of your computer all day, you mean.... or poring over a newspaper...looking at all the marvelous opportunities.... culling through the PILES & PILES OF JOB OFFERS that you are getting all the time in order to choose just the right one, ay??"

"You don't have be so friggin' sarcastic... after all, you're me too, you know..."

"I think I do... you are hoping for something to be handed to you on a platter... all neat and tidy and ready to go... and I don't see that happening.... this is a chance to learn a trade... if the guy is a bullshit artist, you will still be making enough money to get by... until you find something else. The guy seemed ready to hire you on the spot.... from what I could see there, it doesn't seem like anybody in that place wants to judge you on anything except your job performance.... what the hell more do you expect?? You aren't working in filth... there are no dangerous chemicals.... the hours aren't awful... it's a job... you need to work.... the economy is tanking... and the company has been in business steadily for 25 years..."

"I'll be starting from scratch.... I don't know a thing about the job..."

"They're willing to train you.... besides, it's better to start from scratch at a new trade than starting from scratch looking for a place to live because you can't pay the bills.. isn't it??"

"It all sounds great when you put it that way... but I keep coming back to the money... and to the fact that the job probably becomes tedious after a while..."

"Yeah... the money is a big concern... but you have hope to improve it... and as far as the tedium?? Well, you never, ever, in all of your life before today... ever got up, shaved, washed, and dressed to go to FUN!! Did you??! It's a JOB.. and you can DO IT!! You can make some money, learn and improve... make more money, and maybe go to school down the road.. once you are earning a bit more... or find some other work if it becomes available.... this isn't a sentence... there are no contracts holding you there... if it doesn't work out, you will be right back where you are right now.... so what's the problem??"

"I don't know.... I am probably leaning more towards taking the job than not..... but I want to think about it and talk to Marcheline about it..."

"That's fine!! Talk away... think about it... but, just keep in mind that if you wait too long, the decision may be made for you... and you might miss a chance at something.... you need to quit thinking of this decision as an enlistment or something... if it sucks.. or if it isn't for you... or you decide it isn't working... you can find something different... this isn't rocket science, why are you being so freakin' wishy-washy.... don't be such a pussy!! You need a job.. and this is a friggin job. Period. Don't be a JACKASS!!"

"I will made a decision by business start-time tomorrow morning..."

"A mhaith-thú!! Good Lad!!"

".... :-) "

Once more 'round....

2008-04-06T22:06:00.003-04:00

Well... I have been scarce in these parts of late. I have some (to me, anyway...) valid excuses... I know that they are bullshit, but, Its my story... and I'm sticking to it.

We have been struggling a bit with the death of Marcheline's Dad. My cousin is undergoing chemo therapy right now... she has been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of lymphoma... so, although I am hoping that she will manage to fight through this, reality is following me around and slapping me across the back of the head with unfailing regularity.... obviously, this situation tends to be a bit upsetting... she is only about eight years older than I am... I can only give her emotional support, which seems pretty lame sometimes... I know down in the sub-basement of my heart that she wakes up crying and terrified in the middle of the night... and nobody is there to comfort her... ..

About three weeks ago... nearly a month now... I got called into my boss's office first thing on a Monday morning and was given the sack... the economy is tanking.. the company isn't making money.. and they can't justify my position any longer... sucks being the newest guy on the block. That is a long ride home... with your stupid box full of shit.

So now, I get up with my wife each morning... or earlier on the days that I go to the Zen Center for an early chanting service and meditation practice... and then I sit and send out resumes... to anything that remotely reeks of a possible job. I can see a huge difference in the job market... so, I am living with a slightly nauseating feeling of dread in my guts most of the time. I want to work. I want to carry my share of the load... what I hear from nearly everyone that I talk to is that folks are losing their jobs... companies are going out of business left and right... so.. nobody said that it was going to be easy, right??

On a happy note, we have a new tree to plant, just as soon as the weather dries up enough so that we aren't trying to shovel slop and sludge.... I just know that tree is going to look absolutely beautiful back there!!

I am still here... I just don't want to be a wet blanket, writing about crappy sfuff all the time....

Good comes... bad comes.... nothing stays the same... not even the mountains and the sky....

Pete

2008-02-15T19:27:00.003-05:00

Hey Pete!

Why did the Siamese twins go to England?

...So the other one would get a chance to drive!

Did you hear the one about the guy who died and took a
little piece of everyone's heart with him?

Never mind... it's not really all that funny
after all, come to think of it...

23,024 ½ days...

January 15, 1944 ~ February 14, 2008

the lifetime of a dear friend and
much loved father, husband, brother, and one hell of a guy.

If you had a half-second more time on this
earth for every laugh you gave..
.. you would live to be hundreds of years old.

Godspeed Pete.. walk in beauty..
We all miss you dearly.

No more pain
no more fear

We Love You!

What do you say?

2008-02-15T18:50:00.002-05:00

What do you say to your wife
when she has just lost her father?

How do you let her know
that the pain will one day pass,
and that she will smile again?

What can you do to help her find her way
when she is lost, and so very sad?

How can you show her
that her father's caress
is in the wind that touches her hair.. or,

that his voice can be heard in
the heartfelt laughter of strangers?

When her heart is sick...
and her tears are falling...
When the sobs shake her
and wrack your heart..

How do you tell her that
everything will be okay?

When the sun rises
on the first day of her life
over a world that her father
no longer shares with her...

... how do you teach her
that the breeze which dries her tears
is her father's soft loving kiss?

What do you say to a girl
who has just lost her father?

When you cannot find the words,
that will ease her pain,

sometimes you can find
a way to tell her
with your silent embrace.

Crisp Winter Moon, Skeletal Branches...

2008-02-13T23:43:00.003-05:00

Oh! Young folk -
If you fear death,
Die now!
Having died once,
You won't die again.

Unpleasant Surprises & Continuity

2008-02-10T10:18:00.000-05:00

The Backstory:

When I was in the military (I served first in the U.S. Air Force, and then in the U.S. Army -- This was in my Air Force days) I had a roommate named Barry.

The first time I knew that Barry existed was when I returned to my room (in which I had been the sole inhabitant) to find many of my belongings relocated to make way for the new occupant - who was not present at the moment.

Needless to say, I was none too happy at this new development.. preferring to have the room to myself.. and, therefore, none to eager to make whoever the intruder was feel all that welcome. This was exacerbated by what appeared to me to be an inordinate amount of vitamin and pill bottles which essentially took up the entire bottom shelf of my new roommates wall locker.

Irked, I rearranged my belongings on or in the pieces of furniture that were still mine to use, and went out.

When I next returned to my barracks room, my roommate was there. Truthfully, I was less than impressed. I thought he looked sort of dorky to be honest (looking back at photos of myself at the time, I have to say that I am *appalled* to think that I ever had the unmitigated gall to call anyone else dorky.. yikes!!).

I was thinking something along the lines of ("Just *fucking* great!! This is just my friggin' luck!"). The new guy introduced himself to me as "Barry", and I welcomed him.. by which I meant "I wish you would relocate to Antarctica - AND STAY THERE!!" and we went about the business of getting to know one another, setting out our boundaries, and testing those of the other occupant.

At one point, Barry pointed at my 'Do-Bohk' (Korean for the uniform you wear when practicing martial arts - literally 'Way-Attire') and asked me what I was studying. I told him that was practicing Do Hap Sool, and he asked me what it was. I explained, and he indicated that he would like to come with me next time.. and that he was interested in learning. I discouraged this idea enthusiastically... I didn't think that he could hack it, honestly... the training was tough, painful, and exhausting.

He asked why I was shying away from the idea, and, at a loss for a coherent and socially acceptable response, I asked him if he was sick or something.. weakly gesturing at all of the pill bottles. He explained that he was a runner, and that he needed the supplementation to stay healthy. This struck me as somewhat pretentious, and, scoffing, I asked him how far he ran... (How far would someone run?? 2 or 3 miles per day?? 10?? Why would you need all of this crap?!)

"Between 20 and 30, twice a week... and between 5 to 15 on the other days." he answered in what I came to learn was a very characteristic manner for him; softly, humbly, and very matter-of-factly.

?! ... .... ..... "Um... .. WHAT?!?"

He repeated it slowly, apparently deciding that I was addled in some fundamental way, and incapable of understanding human speech unless it was spoken very slowly and very, very clearly...

(30 MILES?!) (!!!)

"GET the fuck outta here!!", I blurted. Basically, I was telling him that I thought he was full of shit, without saying that I thought he was full of shit.

He stared at me, expressionless, for a few moments (I also came to know this quirk of his personality... I wish I had known what it portended at the time...), and he shrugged and said, "I'll make a deal with you; You take me to Do Hap Sool, and I will take you running with me."

I *HATED* running. DESPISED it. But.. the gauntlet had been thrown, and I saw no good reason for letting all of that testosterone go to waste.... so I agreed.

Off we went to the Do Hap Sool Dojang, where Barry plunked down his dues, purchased a uniform, and began his training (He subsequently earned his black belt, by the way.)

Here is proof! That's Barry - The Black Belt - seated front row on the right (the viewer's right)I am involved in the photo - but you can't see me since I was on the other side of the camera!

That same night, Barry explained that he was going for a 'short' run, and asked me if I would like to go along. I agreed, but admitted that running wasn't my thing.. and that I actually hated it, truth be told.

"That's because you don't know how to run." he explained.

Scowling, I replied, "Don't know how to run? What are you talking about?! Of course I know how to run! I run all the time!"

We put on our running clothes, tied on our running shoes, and out we went into the Korean night...

Barry explained that distance running was very different from running like one does when playing tag. He taught me how to carry my body, and how to roll my feet when I ran. He taught me the proper way to breathe... and most importantly, how to relax and to run effortlessly.

That first night, we ran... and we ran.... and we ran. Until...

"HALT!! SECURITY POLICE!! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!! YOU ARE IN AN UNAUTHORIZED AREA!! I AM AN ARMED SECURITY POLICEMAN WITH A RIFLE A DOG... IF YOU MOVE OR FAIL TO FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS YOU WILL BE SHOT!!

We stopped... and put our hands in the air. A huge dog streaked towards us out of the darkness and showed us what big teeth it had. We were ordered to lay on the ground, face down, with our arms and legs outstretched. This was great sport, since we got to lay down in a bunch of sand, grit, and gravel.. and we were covered with sweat and all sticky.

We heard some radio squelch, and an unintelligible conversation taking place. At one point I started to wipe away a bead of sweat that threatened to run into my eye, but he dog patiently explained to me that it was an ill-advised idea which could, quite possibly, result in the loss of a limb, or fatal hemorrhaging.

We heard the sound of a tracked military vehicle approaching, and the beat of many feet on the ground as a squad of armed special response troops rapidly exited the vehicle from the rear ramp and took up positions from which they could most efficiently riddle us with bullets if the need should arise.

We were 'covered' and routinely searched... this was a brief affair, since we were wearing running shorts, running shoes... and nothing else.

Once it was ascertained that we weren't carrying any deadly weapons or devices, a grand poobah of the Security Police approached us and asked us why we weren't carrying military ID, what we were doing in the area (just to be clear... this area was one that we travelled freely during daylight hours.. we had no idea that it was off limits during hours of darkness...), what unit we were from, whether we wipe back to front or front to back, how many fillings we had in our teeth, and what our great grandmother's favorite color was..... after perhaps an hour, we were cut loose to continue our run in relative peace, and admonished to stay away from certain areas.

So... off we went.

We ran 15 miles that night. I had never, in all of my life, ran more than 2 miles in a single clip.

I felt that I had accomplished something amazing!! I had broken a physical barrier!

The next morning, Barry kicked my bed and told me to get up and go to breakfast with him.

I couldn't. I couldn't move. I couldn't even make it to the bathroom! Every single solitary inch of my being was shrieking in pain. My hair hurt. My bones hurt. I could actually feel every tendon and ligament in my body... and they weren't one bit happy about it. I thought I was going to die. I became terrified that I might NOT die with any immediacy... and that I would be forced to lay there.. in pain... perhaps for minutes... or even, Heaven forbid, up to an hour. I was miserable.

Barry showed his sympathy for me by laughing at me, and by going and finding everyone that he could rope in to come and gawk at me as I lay there on my deathbed.

He told me that the only way to make the pain stop would be to actually get up and force myself to move around... take a good hot shower... and get some food into me.

I told him that I was dying... and that I wanted to be left in peace.

Finally, he pulled me off of the bed onto the floor, ran the shower, and said... "Crawl if you have to... but get into that shower... and lets go get some chow! JUST DO SOMETHING... even if its WRONG!!"

(this became a watchword and motto which continues even to this very day! When I first met my wife, she drove a gray Chevy Nova with a bumber sticker that said "Just Do it!" -- I got a kick out of it, and explained that MY motto was "Just Do something!! Even if its wrong!" -- she most likely thought I was a dick... but, we became friends... and eventually married.. so there!!)

Barry taught me to break through my own limitations that day... limitations concerning my perceptions of others... my own physical limitations... including pain barriers. If not for that lesson, I never would have continued on to serve in the other units that I served in, which required a great deal from each member physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Barry and I became very close friends. We followed one another from Korea to the states, and back to Korea. He was there when my son was born... and I was there when his was.

We laughed, cried, sweat and bled together.

Eventually, I left the military and returned to the United States. Barry remained in Korea. Life moved in, as it does... and we lost touch with one another.

Which brings us to THE CURRENT STORY:

Last week I decided to try to find him... and I began to search for him on the internet. I found a person with the same name, listed as a Major in the USAF as being buried in an expatriate cemetery on the western outskirts of Seoul, Korea. But, Barry was enlisted when I last knew him... so this didn't really add up. I hadn't remembered him telling me anything about a father or grandfather that had served as an officer in the Air Force. Hmmmm.....

The last I had heard about him, he was a part owner of a nightclub in Seoul, and they had a billiards team. I looked up the team website, and clicked on Barry's link to have a look at his scores; they ended in September of 2004. The first trickles of dread began to creep in at the back of my brain... and cold fingers began to grip my guts.

I thought (and hoped) that perhaps the team had gone defunct. I clicked on some of the other members... and then all of the other members... and their scores were current up to the very day.

I stopped. I couldn't get my brain wrapped around this at all... so, relying on my training, I changed tacks and decided to attack the problem from a different angle. I decided to look up military alumni groups. I started with a DLI (Defense Language Institute -- Barry was a Korean Liguist) group; where I found this post -

Sad times for friends of the (Nightclub - name deleted)

Itaewon endured one of its saddest days in recent memory on Sept. 23, when the news went out that Barry ( DELETED ), who ran the ( Nightclub name deleted ), had died that morning in a motorcycle accident in Thailand.

Barry had been on vacation with friends, so it was they who conveyed the bad news to folks in Seoul. From there, word got out to Barry's many friends here via anguished phone calls and text messages.

That night an impromptu memorial service was held at the ( Nightclub name deleted ). Loved ones set up a small, touching shrine in one of the booths, with a big photo of Barry smiling happily, and an album for people to write their farewells. People who'd heard the news ¡ª and there were many ¡ª came by to share their sorrow with hugs and tears.

Barry's funeral was held last Saturday, at the Memorial Chapel of the Seoul Union Church in western Seoul. The church is adjacent to the Foreigners Cemetery, where his remains were eventually laid to rest.

The night before, his many friends had again filled up the ( Nightclub name deleted ) for a wake. From about midnight, 10 or 15 people gave short tributes, led by Sonny ( Last name deleted ), Barry's best friend and Air Force buddy.

Mr. ( Last name deleted ) first met Barry in 1979, when both were stationed at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California. He said Barry proved right away to be an exceptional linguist and interpreter; both were assigned to the Air Force base at Osan in 1980, and they became close friends over the next three or four years.

But most people who knew Barry didn't think of him as a scholar or a cadet. They think of, and thank him for, the great bar he started, the ( Nighclub name deleted ), right after he retired from the Air Force in 1994.

The original bar, located where its successor the ( Nightclub name deleted ) is now, had loads of character; it was jam-packed on Fridays, Saturdays and even some weeknights. On Sunday afternoons, Barry would show movies on his big-screen TV, a special treat in those days. Hungover locals would try to get there early and stake out the best booths.

The ( Nightclub name deleted ) really took off the next year, when Barry expanded it to the second floor, where the restaurant ( Name deleted ) is now. From the get-go, the new section, more like a nightclub, was phenomenally popular. Some nights you couldn't get in unless you knew Barry, or Marcel the doorman.

Back in the here and now, the good news is that the ( Nightclub name deleted ) will remain open. Barry's 21-year-old son Shawn, who'd been helping out over the last year, will take over, and a co-manager, Eugene ( Name deleted ), will remain on board.

Mr. ( Name deleted ) reassured me that he and Shawn "won't change a thing." So yes, the ( Nightclub name deleted ) will still be there. It will still serve up the best steaks in town, and it will still be the friendliest place to down a few. But it'll never be the same.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing!! My friend was gone! ... He had been dead for over three years and I had no idea!!

The sounds of my crying woke my wife... who did her best to console me... I was very upset... I couldn't believe that this had happened. Even though it was 'old news' - to me it had just happened at that very moment... and I was very, very sad.

It was the last thing that I would have expected to find.

My Zen practice doesn't really help me to avoid losing my center when hit with something like this... what it does do is to help me to recover it relatively quickly... which I did. I am still sad to think of a world without Barry in it, but, in a way he is not gone.. just changed. I still miss the relationship, though.. and that is gone. This is one the more difficult things that we must all learn to cope with eventually, I guess...

There was nothing that I could do for Barry. What I did do was to contact his son. I have a wealth of stories to share with Shawn regarding his father... and a stack of photos that I can send to him. Photos from before he was born, photos of when he was a baby... photos of friends and family that may no longer be alive.

I told Shawn that his father was a friend of mine, which made him a friend of mine. I reminded him that I stood by his father's side on the day that he was born, and that he (Shawn) used to play with my son when they were children.

I received a message from Shawn this morning.. in which he signed off with "Friends for life!"

Yes... Friends for life...and beyond.

The Phoenix (Bul Jo Sa) was very important to the Koreans. So much so that the Phoenix was depicted on the royal seal. Here is an image of a phoenix, painted, I believe, by a Korean artist;

And another by a Korean artisan of long ago;

The Phoenix is still to be found flying in the skies of Korea. I don't ask you to believe me... you don't have to take my word for it. See for yourself!

A fitting symbol I think.... for a new friendship has been reborn from the ashes of an old one...

Barry lives on in my heart, it is true... but his blood still runs through the veins of my new friend.

I am happy.

Look to this day...

2008-01-29T19:20:00.000-05:00

Look to this day,
for it is life.
The very life of life.
In its brief course lie all
the realities & verities of existence;
the bliss of growth,
the splendor of action,
the glory of power -
for yesterday is but a dream,
and tomorrow is only a vision.
But today, well loved
makes every yesterday a dream of happiness..
.. and tomorrow a vision of hope.

Toru Kawamura

2008-01-27T10:21:00.000-05:00

When I was a boy, in first and second grade, I had a friend who was from Japan, and who lived in the same apartment building as we did, and who also went to my school. He was a year ahead of me in school.

The first time I ever saw him, I was walking to school, and four or five of the older boys were beating him up. He held his own, but it wasn't a fair fight.

I was tiny as a kid, usually the smallest kid in any group, but my sense of outrage at this unfairness overcame my self-preservation instinct and I tried to intervene. I have to say at this point that I wasn't able to help poor Toru at all. One of the larger kids simply gave me a cuff in the head, grabbed me in a strangle hold, and lifted me off my feet until I stopped struggling, and then put my feet back on the ground and told me to be still or he would choke me to death.

So I had to stand there and watch this kid take a beating for no good reason.

The kids were calling him racial names and telling him to 'go back to Japan'.

I didn't understand why they were saying these things... the incident made me feel sick in my soul.

Afterwards, I picked up Toru's umbrella and put his torn and muddy books back into his book bag and went over to him. I asked him if he was okay... he was crying, and bruised, and bleeding. He took his umbrella and book bag, asked me to leave him alone, and headed back home.

I stood there, watching him limping slowly back towards the building where we lived.. muddy, wet, and hurt... I remember looking at the ground and seeing a crocus that had been flattened during the struggle.. it struck something in me; I felt terrible, and I started to cry... my throat felt as though I had swallowed an iron ball... my eyes were burning.. my lips trembling... and my knees shaking with feelings of anger, frustration, powerlessness, and and overwhelming sense of loss... at what, I don't know to this day.

Eventually, I headed into school for one of the most miserable days I had ever experienced in my life up to that day... not because of anything that was happening externally, but because of all of the thoughts and feelings that were raging inside of me. I had no idea what I was feeling, and no idea how to sort them out...

After school, I went home and got some cookies, wrapped them in a paper towel, and after scanning the doorbells for the name 'Kawamura' (I had seen it on his books, and on his book bag) I went and knocked on his door. I suppose I wanted to try to make him feel better... to tell him that *I* didn't want him to go back to Japan.. unless *he* wanted to... and probably to make myself feel better about the whole thing in some way... I stood there for what seemed like forever, but nobody answered the door.

Some days later, I knocked on the door again and it was answered by an attractive Japanese woman who, with extreme politeness, explained that Toru was in 'Manhattan' with his father. I had no earthly idea where 'Manhattan' was, and when I later asked my grandparents, they explained that although we called Manhattan 'New York City' or simply 'The City' - that all five boroughs were actually 'The City' and that 'Manhattan' was actually the correct term. I was very impressed by this degree of accuracy and specificity. I felt that I should have known this. I started to think that the thugs who had beaten this kid up were really off base... these folks even knew the proper names for things when I didn't!!

I finally knocked on the door when Toru was actually home. He came to the door and stared at me impassively for a long moment, and then, deciding that I posed no threat to him, I suppose, grabbed his jacket and came out to play. He told me about Japan, showed me how people wrote in Japan (I was absolutely captivated by this!), explained to me that the boys who had beaten him up were most likely angry because they had heard the stories that their parents and uncles and grandparents had told about the war with Japan (In retrospect, I am absolutely floored at the self-possession and insight of this little 6 or 7 year old boy.. he was an amazing kid!).

When I asked about the war, he explained that it had much to do with Japan needing steel and other natural resources because they had very little land and very little ability to derive natural resources from their homeland.

I sat there, open-mouthed, while he patiently explained all of this to me. I asked him how he learned all of this stuff.. and he told me that on Saturdays, he went to 'Japanese School'. I was flabbergasted at this!! School on SATURDAY!! It simply wasn't done!! What about cartoons?! What about playing outside!!

He said that one day his parents would have to return to Japan (his father had been posted in New York by his Company), and that he, Toru, would have to return with them... and if he didn't work hard in Japanese School, he would be behind all of the other children when he went back to school.

This was the first kid I had ever known who considered school to be important, and not just a nuisance that had to be dealt with. It was Toru who sparked the first interest in learning within me.

I continued to be impressed by Toru during the entire period of our friendship. Whatever anybody could do, Toru could do it better!! I made houses and things out of Lego blocks... Toru had built a huge commercial airliner that was amazing! I made a kite out of newspaper and sticks... Toru made a hand painted Dragon kite that had to be 15 or 20 feet long!!

Perhaps the most amazing thing was that he never 'one-upped' me.. when I showed him my kite, he 'oooohed' and 'aaaahed' over it, expressed his delight with a ready smile, and helped me to fly it. It was only weeks later when I spied the kite hanging in his bedroom and asked about it that I learned that he had made it by hand. When I blurted out that I felt like an idiot for being so proud of my stupid kite, he wrinkled his brow, put a small brown hand on my arm and said that I had no reason at all to feel that way... that my kite was beautiful.. and that my kite flew better than his did, anyway... I bought it at the time, but now realize that most likely wasn't true. Toru was protecting my feelings.

Just before Toru returned to Japan, the same kids who had beaten him up blocked our way as we were walking to school together. This time, they focused on me, and announced their intention to beat the crap out of me for being a 'traitor' by befriending Toru.

As one of them moved towards me, Toru stepped in front of me and quietly explained that they were being very impolite. He told them that he couldn't let them hurt me. He explained that I was his friend. And that I was very small.

The bully was laughing as he grabbed Toru by the lapels to toss him out of the way.

He stopped laughing when Toru tossed him onto his back on the sidewalk.

The other boys all rushed Toru - and were systematically thrown to the ground, punched, or kicked.

When they had had enough and ran away, I looked at Toru incredulously and demanded to know why on earth, if he was capable of fighting like that, had he let them beat him up so badly the last time?!?!?

He looked at me with that maddeningly calm way of his and answered, simply;
"I didn't want to hurt them."

I had never known anybody like this kid in my life...

I don't remember how long my friendship with Toru lasted, but it couldn't have been very long at all. What I do remember is that he was one of the most influential people in my life. He set an example that I have yet to emulate. He was a smart, kind, and insightful person.. at the age of 7 or possibly 8. He was patient, tranquil, focused, and had absolutely no ego whatsoever.

I often wonder what became of Toru, and how he is faring...

In any case, Toru, wherever you are, I hope that you are well, and that you are truly happy, and that you have managed to follow your dreams.. whatever they may be.

Domo Arigato Gozaimasu (ありがとう！あなたはとてもしんせつです。((ごめんなさい。私の日本語はへたです。)) )

Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd:

2008-01-09T23:20:00.000-05:00

Occasionally, I get puked upon by a friend or relative who has gotten their feelings stung by my failure to read, view and provide suitable feedback for a forwarded email message that they have sent to me. It usually goes like this;

"What'd ya think of that thing I sent ya?? Cute, wasn't it?!"

"I deleted it... sorry.."

"... ... You.. DELETED it!?"

"Yeah.. I don't really read 'forwards'... I just delete them."

At which point it is made clear to me either verbally, nonverbally, or by subsequent interaction with that person (or, more to the point, non-interaction with that person) that they don't agree with, support, or tolerate my position.

I must confess, however, that it is true. I don't read forwards. There are a few reasons for this, and some may even be valid. They happen to be valid reasons to me, though... and I don't read forwards.

Basically, if you forward something to me other than a link, a message from another person known to me, or something that pertains specifically to me personally, and this is made abundantly clear by the subject line or by the sender(meaning that it comes from a sender who generally doesn't send forwards as a general rule), I glance at the subject... and delete it.

The simplest reason is that I don't care what it is in a forwarded message. I'm not interested. I don't like them. They take up valuable bandwidth.

Usually, they are some stupid joke or chain letter that has been circulating around for 15 years. It wasn't cute or funny when it came around the first time... it isn't funny today.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me any money.
My forwarding a chain letter isn't going to save the little girl that has been dying of the same ailment since 1989.

My feeling is that if someone wants to communicate with me, they can type out an email message addressed to ME, intended for ME, and not to 900 strangers, with me stuck on for good measure.

In an effort to make this easier, I am providing a sample message that can easily be cut and pasted into your email client if you wish to say 'hi'.

Select all text between the lines
-------------------------------

Hi Bear,

Just wanted to say hi. hi.

Well. Guess that's all for now.

Bye.

Regards, [BLANK] (insert name)

-------------------------------
Type name in the space labeled 'BLANK'

There.

Now nobody has a good reason to send me forwards.

I am not going to open them in any case. They get summarily deleted.

If you have a video, images, poems, heart-wrenching sob stories, or evangelical tracts that you wish me to read, write me a message, and paste a link to a page where I can view the material if and when I choose.

I am sure that I will still get crapped on for not opening forwards, and if anyone has heartburn with that, please write it all down, and forward it to me in an email.

A Blank Canvas

2008-01-01T09:35:00.000-05:00

Last night I worked a New Year's Eve party. There were perhaps 265 people attending the party. At some point, the DJ asked the assembled guests to 'make some noise' if they had a good 2007; You could've heard a pin drop. The room was completely, utterly and (at least to me...) significantly silent. After a few moments of unnatural quiet, he then asked whether anyone hoped to have a better year in 2008 than they did in 2007 and the noise from the jubilant crowd nearly brought the roof down!

Apparently, nobody found this past year to be all that much to scream about. It seems sort of weird that everybody had a hard time of it, though... you would think that some folks would've had a good year, and some folks would've had difficulties... but, judging from this response, plus the snippets of conversation that I have overheard all year; 2007 has kicked the living shit out of just about everyone.

2007 was a fairly difficult year for us, for our extended group of family and friends, and for just about everyone that we know. We are considerably fewer in number than we were a year ago.. those who are no longer with us have left a noticeable hole in the fabric of our lives that will take some time to mend. They have left us with happy memories, and a great sadness at their loss. While it is true that birth and death are always with us, and while I am comfortable with the idea that death is a natural part of life.. I still mourn the loss of the relationship with each of them. I can still love them, and I do. I can carry them in my heart and bring them forth whenever I like; But they can't answer me... they can't offer their physical presence... I can't hear their voices, or see their smiles any more. I miss them.

Financially, we got spanked throughout the entire year, to the point that we would go to sleep and wake up with fears of homelessness chilling our blood.

In hearing what other folks have had to contend with, however, it seems that we have been lucky. This past year has simply been a time of difficulty for everyone.

That isn't to say that there were no good times.. we had our laughs and our triumphs, but the overall picture has been one of austerity and tribulation.

I sit here this morning looking out of my window at a dreary, gloomy, grey day; one of those Long Island days where it never seems to get past 6AM judging by the quality of the light. Nevertheless, I am holding on fast to hopes for a kinder, gentler, happier and more joyful and prosperous year.

Like most folks, I tend to stop and take stock of life on New Year's Day... looking back at how things were, and comparing what I remember to how things are today. Some things never seem to change much, while in other instances the change is startling (and some times appalling!)

I would like to be able to say that I will be doing things differently this year, but, to be honest, I can't really think of all that much that we can do!! We sat down a few weeks ago to work out a household budget; the idea being that we would be able to identify some areas where we could cut back a bit in order to make it somewhat easier to get the bills paid. What we discovered was that we are so thrifty already that there simply wasn't anyplace left that we could cut back!! I was discussing this topic with my mom on the telephone a week or so ago, and mentioned that it suddenly became difficult to make ends meet, and she posited that the rising prices of food and oil have steadily crept up on us and have eaten away all of the 'extra' money that most of us had... and has begun to chip away at the funds that we need to survive. Working extra sounds like a good plan, except that most of the businesses that would usually provide this extra income are either drastically cutting back, and therefore are not hiring, or simply don't have a schedule that is possible for folks that already work a full-time job plus a part-time job. So what do you do there??

I religiously search for a better paying job, for something part-time that is close enough so that I can actually manage to get to it in a timely fashion, or for some opportunity 'outside of the box' that may offer a bit of relief... but, so far I haven't had any luck at all.

At one point, we decided to start selling our belongings... only to find out that a). We aren't the only folks in the world, apparently, who are in the same position.. and they are selling the same type of crap as well... and b). Nobody seems to have the money to buy the stuff we are selling.

The only thing left to do is to keep 'driving on' and keep my eyes and ears open for a better opportunity.

I suppose that in the meantime, the best thing that I can do is to simply do the best that I can at using less... less food, less electricity, less gas, less everything.

There was a time when I could sell my artwork or craft-work to make whatever extra money that I needed when I was in a pinch - doing portraits, designing T-shirts, Tattoo Flash, embroidered emblems, and what have you... but, when everybody is being weighed down by the same burden, this is the sort of thing that gets pushed to the back burner; people just can't afford to spend money on 'extras'.

This past year has served to remind me, once again, that nothing is written in stone, and that any one of my friends or family can be ripped away from me without warning. This sobering thought simply solidifies my desire to live each day and each breath as though it were the last... and to treasure each and every moment that I have with those who share my life.

Although I don't have much in the way of material wealth, I am rich beyond measure... I have family and friends who love me, support me, and whose enduring presence bring me joy and happiness. I have a beautiful wife who loves me with all of her heart, and who I can count on to stand by my side in the face of anything that comes our way.. I am warm, fed, loved, and happy. I have more than most folks have, and considerably more than some poor souls will ever have in their lifetime.

I don't know what this year will have in store for me. Part of me looks forward in anticipation, while part of me shrinks back from what might be heading for me...

As for my hopes for 2008, I would like to;

Strengthen my body.
Deepen my spiritual practice.
Improve my financial circumstances.
Get my house in order - i.e. actually do many of the things that have been put off such as clean out the attic, and finish all of the unfinished projects that are laying around and collecting dust!
Pick up my chanter and my bagpipes once again, and practice! It has been so long since I have played them.. its kind of sad, actually.
Devote some time to artistic ventures - it has been so long since I have simply drawn, painted, or sculpted anything...
Spend more time wandering in the woods, along the beaches, and out under the sky!
Take photographs simply for the love of it!
Write - stories, poetry, what have you..

While I do enjoy the work at my job, it is becoming increasingly clearer to me that I cannot, most likely, manage to live on what I earn there. Not that I am being inundated with offers, but I am probably going to have to find some line of work that enable me to earn significantly more than I am earning now... or we are going to be in worse shape by the end of this year than we are today; I don't foresee the cost of living suddenly dropping.

It has been nearly a year since Myo-Shin (a nun in my monastic community) has passed away (it will be a year this coming February). Her husband is the Osho of our local Zen Center;

(Dictionary Tangent Begins Here)

Osho

(Japanese Zen term)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Look up 和尚 in
Wiktionary, the free dictionary.

Oshō is the Japanese reading of the Chinese he shang (和尚), meaning a high-ranking Buddhist monk or highly virtuous Buddhist monk. It is also a respectful designation for Buddhist monks in general and may be used with the suffix -san. It is originally derived from the Sanskrit upadhyaya, meaning "master" in the sense of "teacher".

The two characters making up the word are actually pronounced oshō only in the Zen and Pure Land sects. For example, they are read kashō in the Tendai sect and wajō in the Shingon sect.

(Herendeth the Dictionary Tangent)

ANYway... it was in December of last year that he was ordained as an Osho, and it was upon his return from California (the headquarters of our Order in the U.S.) where he had gone to attend the Osho ordination ceremony that he learned that his wife was very ill. They had both gone to Los Angeles a week or so prior to the scheduled Ordination ceremony to attend a Monastic training retreat. When they returned to New York, Myo-Shin had what we all believed to be a cold or a flu. She was supposed to have accompanied him to attend the Ordination ceremony but elected not to go because she didn't feel up to it. What we did not know at the time was that she had less than two months left to live...

For a Zen Monk, Ordination as an Osho comes with two very difficult and important responsibilities; The first is to found a Temple. The second is to produce an 'heir' or protegé to whom the Osho can pass on his Zen Lineage (we trace our lineage of Teacher to student transmission all the way back to the historical Buddha - Shakyamuni Buddha; Siddhartha Gotama. ((My teacher is the 82nd in line counting from the Buddha through each of his successive disciples in this particular lineage, down to the present day.)) )

Due to the sudden and unexpected death of his wife, to whom he was married for 54 years, these responsibilities were set aside for the period of a year in order for him to mourn her passing, and so that he would be able to regain his center and re-establish some balance in his life. It was not deemed appropriate for him to make any major decisions or undertake any new ventures during this time period, so he spent the year traveling with his teacher and strengthening his practice and his understanding of Zen.

It is likely that once this period of mourning has passed, he will likely turn his attention towards establishing a temple here on Long Island. (Our Zendo is a room in his house, which he owns. A temple cannot be privately owned, but must be owned by the Rinzai Order). I am not sure what he will decide to do.. (i.e., leave things as they are, sell the house to the Rinzai Order, raise funds to purchase a property for the purpose of establishing a temple, or some other avenue...) but, whatever he decides to do, the bulk of the actual work will be done by his monks. If this comes to pass, we will definitely have our hands full!

He is nearly 70 years old, so I don't know whether this is something that he will be willing to tackle at this point. I suppose I will have to just wait and see.

In any case, I look forward to opportunities to alleviate some of our financial worries, to gatherings of our clan throughout the year; gatherings full of love and laughter! I look forward to thousands and thousands of hugs and kisses from by beautiful wife, to warm silky cats purring in my arms, to sunny spring mornings and to welcoming each new flower that wakes from its winter slumber... I look forward to hours of meditative silence, warm summer days, and many, many delicious meals that I will cook both for my wife, and for my order (I am the Tenzo - the Zen Gardener & Cook, whose responsibility it is to prepare delicious and nutritious meals for the monastic community and for our guests and lay practitioners). I look forward to all of the books that I will read, and all of the new things that I will learn. I look forward to each and every success and triumph - my own, and those of my family, my friends, and all of my acquaintances. I look forward to the feeling of freshness and possibility that each morning will bring... and to laying down at the end of a long day of work with my wife and holding her close to me as we drop off to sleep. I look forward to the laughter that we will share, and to connecting to people each day; reaffirming our shared humanity, and rejoicing in one another's presence.

A human life is a fleeting thing... it is like writing on the surface of water with a stick.. both coming into being and being destroyed simultaneously.. I want to be there, completely and unreservedly; for every single moment of my life; whatever it brings.

This year I hope to make each step that I take a soft, tranquil, loving kiss upon the earth, rather than running around planting strife and disquiet in a useless attempt to control everything that is happening around me... I want to reign in my mind's propensity to attach to everything that is whirling around me.. I want this year to be a year of calm joy in life.. I want to learn to be a better observer, and above all, a better listener.

Today is the first day of a whole new year. We have a blank canvas upon which we can paint whatever we desire.

Happy New Year everyone... I sincerely hope that this year will bring each and every one of you happiness, prosperity, joy and success.

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog, for reading what I put down here, and for touching my life, and allowing me to touch yours.

I feel as though many of you have become my friends. I haven't met any of you, but I have developed a great deal of affection for you; We may not share the same space, but we share what is in our minds and what is within our hearts. This seems to me to be the very measure of friendship - we see directly into one another, without being swayed or deluded by judgments based upon personal appearance, social status, or any of the other illusory barriers that we humans erect between ourselves and others. I enjoy reading your blogs, and when you write of your high points and your low points, I feel them with you. Many of you have made it a point to be supportive of me when I was having a rough time, and many of you have given me cause to laugh until my stomach hurt and tears were streaming down my face. Some of you have given me reason to cry when you have written of your pain. All of you have shared your lives with me in some way.

Thanks guys.. it makes me happy to know that you are out there, somewhere.. I hope we have a great 2008!

Rough Weather Ahead..

2007-12-18T14:48:00.000-05:00

I am home to take my wife to the airport. We received news just over an hour ago that her uncle passed away, and she will be trying to get the earliest possible flight to be with her family.

I will remain in the rear to attend to whatever must needs be done.

I am sad. I feel bad for my wife, her grandmother, and the rest of our family.

Just after she received news regarding her uncle, she also received more bad news about her father, who has been ill for some time now, and who's condition is apparently beginning to take a turn for the worst.

I don't know what will happen, but I suppose the most sensible thing to do would be to batten down the hatches and prepare for whatever may come. I somehow don't think it will be in the way of the best news possible.

If any of you who read her blog see this, perhaps you might pop over and cheer her up a little? You can find her here.

So. Thats what's going on... we are in it... no place to go but forward.

"Jack" Born: ?? ~ Died: 15 December 2007

2007-12-15T14:52:00.000-05:00

I just finished burying a friend - Jack was a cat who adopted us some many years ago, and has lived in our yard, seeing us off whenever we would leave, and happily greeting us upon our return. He was a happy little spirit, and I will always remember him as being a constant friend and a part of everything that has taken place here for as long as we have lived in this place... He was a much beloved member of our clan, and I already miss him dearly...

See you on the other side, Jack

O dark, dark, dark. They all go into the dark.
The vacant interstellar spaces......
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

T.S. Eliot

Holiday Storm

2007-12-14T08:31:00.000-05:00

For some reason my entire extended family is getting the living kicked out of us of late.

Every day brings more and more bad news piled on top of old bad news... I have no idea what the heck is going on!!

At first, we thought *we* were in bad shape (meaning my wife and I..), as once again we have hit a huge financial brick wall, and are working like hell to keep our heads above water, and, literally trying to keep a roof over our heads... its scary...

The tenants who lived in the downstairs apartment moved out, and just before that their cat, "Morris" who was Jack's buddy was nailed by a car and killed right in front of the house... which was very sad for all of us as Morris was a very cool cat, and was really well liked by all of us...

Jack the outside cat has taken a turn for the worse, won't eat a bite, and has started twitching and drooling... we have just about no money to pay for a vet visit, but, nevertheless, we are taking him tomorrow to be seen... part of me is in fear that he won't be coming home with us... part of me feels that whatever the price to me, it is important to do what's right for Jack. He has been my friend for some years... and he trusts me. I owe it to him to make whatever decisions are necessary to look out for his best interests. If he is suffering, and it can't be alleviated, then I guess we have to do what we have to do.. but it will break my heart to do it. He is a fixture here... and part of our family.

So many members of our family have been stricken with serious illness or have had illnesses suddenly get exponentially worse, that we don't even know who to worry about the most!!

We have been walking around getting bashed about and having the teeth rattled out of our collective heads mentally asking ourselves, "What the *fuck*?!?!"

We sat down and worked out a household budget last night... that was an adventure in adrenaline and gut-twisting, by the way... the only problem is that when we tried to find something that we could cut back on in order to save some money, we learned that we don't actually spend money on *anything* other than the bare necessities... we are some of the most frugal people we know!! Where do you go from there?? I fix my own shoes, make my own stuff... we eat for a week at a time on soups or other recipes that literally cost us pennies.. this batch of soup that we are feeding on for this week was literally made out of the scraps and leftovers that I found when I rooted around in the kitchen. It's good soup... but it was made primarily from all of the stuff that would have gone in the bin in another few days... We don't really go anywhere, we don't buy anything... we basically put all of our money towards trying to keep the bills paid. And the financial climate of late hasn't done a thing to make that any easier for us; the mortgage just increased by over a hundred dollars a month due to tax increases; and we already had some of the highest property taxes in the nation! There isn't anything to be done, we either have to find a way to pay it, or we are in major trouble - I don't even believe we would be able to scrape together enough cash to move if we had to!

We are circling the wagons and 'turtling up' to coin a phrase from my boxing days... trying to show the toughest parts of ourselves, and trying to hide the soft bits and keep them protected.

Marcheline had to have her window replaced in order for her vehicle to pass inspection... and the list of stuff just seems to go on and on and on...

Cancer, strokes, old age related stuff... so many people in our family suffering..

It is looking as though this holiday season is going to be a bit of a trying one for all of us.

I am trying to 'feel' the season.. but, honestly, I only really feel like going to bed, but, when I do; I lay there thinking of all this stuff or have freaky dreams about it all when I finally do drop off to sleep. I wake up more tired than when I laid down, and feeling as though someone has wailed the shit out of me with a baseball bat to boot!

It seems as though we turned a corner somewhere, and it suddenly became incredibly difficult to keep all of the bills paid. What on earth is going on?? The expenses just keep climbing, and the salaries go nowhere..

We have both been searching for part-time work, but nearly 95% of the job postings are bogus! The ones that *are* real are either so far away that it isn't worth even applying, or they pay crap, don't respond to the application, or they have one opening; from 10 to 2 on Tuesday, and from 3AM to 9:55AM on Thursday... what the fuck is *that*? How can you hold down a full time job and be expected to work part time in the middle of the work day?

The salaries for the jobs that *are* real, and *are* hiring would require about 90 hours per week to make a paycheck that was worth cashing... it just isn't doable.

I know that the universe doesn't conspire against us, and that things simply work out the way that they work out.. but when stuff like this happens, it is a huge reminder to me of just how small and insignificant I really am... and that everything that I know and everything that I have and am can be snuffed out in an instant - just like that! And; there is really little or nothing at all that I can do about it if it were to happen. I feel like a wee bit of flotsam in an ocean storm sometimes...

In a way thats really frightening, but in another way its really liberating. There isn't any point in worrying too much, I think, when all that I can really do is what I can do; I will either be successful, or I won't, and I will have to deal with whatever comes either way. If the worst happens, I will have to deal with it enough at that time - so no sense suffering about it now. I would be better put to use trying to respond to whatever situation is at hand, and doing the best that I can do. If I do my best, then its my best, and the outcome is the outcome. There simply isn't any other option... so, why worry about it? In Irish we have a saying that addresses this, "Marbh le Té, agus marbh gan é!" ("You are dead with your tea, or with out it!") ((the implication is that you may as well enjoy it!))

I am thankful that I have learned, through my practice, to be able to find the small enjoyable moments that are hidden, like little presents, within the maelstrom of all the other crap that is going on around me; and that I am able to enjoy those moments with the whole of my being whenever they make themselves available.

Today's sunset was one of the most beautiful, and one of the saddest, for some reason, that I can remember in a long time...

Good. Bad. Happy. Sad. Joy. Grief. Celebration. Mourning. It is all a part of my story... and I am determined not to turn away from any of it. Whatever comes, that is my life, and I am going to live it to the best of my ability.

It would be nice if we could find a way to solve the problems that are cropping up all around us... but, I suppose that is what life is about in a way. We just have to take whatever hand is dealt us, and do the best we can with what we've got.

In any case, I have to find a way to maintain my center while all of this stuff is going on.. its the only way that I can remain calm, and keep a clear mind so that I can both recognize, and react to, whatever opportunities may present themselves..

.. if and when they come, I will be waiting.

Happy Holidays, all...

Bear

Fractal Vegetables

2007-11-04T10:09:00.001-05:00

I came across this amazingly beautiful and intricate vegetable while perusing a library book yesterday... (yes, I know its pathetic; I actually take out books from the library about vegetables. ....You don't know the half of it!)

I was at once stunned and enchanted by the spiraling patterns within patterns.. the impossible beauty... Why haven't I ever heard of these things before now?!?!

There was no label identifying the photo in the book, so it took me a little digging around to find out what on earth I was looking at.

And so, my friends. Without further ado, I introduce to you -

The 'Broccoflower'.

Thanks to Syd - (who has de-lurked in order to lend me a hand!), I have learned that this thing is actually called a -

'Romanesco Cauliflower'

or a -

'Romanesco Cabbage'

I have learned cool stuff!! Thanks again, Syd! Don't be a stranger!

Is this thing cool, or what?!?! - AND - you can EAT IT!!! HA!!

Bear's Haints

2007-10-26T18:11:00.000-04:00

In answer to my wife's post; "Marcheline's Haints", I have decided to post a few of the pics that I took on our spooky little Graveyard Jaunt; Some have been played about with, most have not... I'll leave it up to you pick-out the 'messed about' ones from the virgins. (Always a positive thing to have a few virgins to mess about with, I always say...) (Well... this is actually the first time I have ever said that... but, I'll make a point of saying it from here on out.. Scout's Honor!!)

"Lines and Shadows"

"Endless Solitude"

"Spooky Steeple"

"A Wave From the Grave! - (Hey! That's Me!)"

"Dead, and Lichen it!"

"Tomb it May Concern..."

"A Pillar of the (Dead) Community"

"Obelisk"

"We 'Spectre' 'Round These Parts Here Pretty Soon! "

"City of the Dead"

"Shadows... and Shades"

"Grave Thoughts"

"Haunted Tree"

"The End of Days Comes for Us All..Eventually"

Well, folks... there ya have it. Happy Halloween!

Back in 'The World'.

2007-10-21T13:49:00.000-04:00

I have returned from my period of resident monastic training. It was tough... long days (18 to 21 hours), hard work, harsh discipline... but it was, well... profound. Life-changingly so... though I suspect that it may take me some time to fully appreciate what I mean by this... I *do* feel very much transformed by the experience, however. Much as I did upon completing basic training in the military.. You are different, and you feel different, but you aren't capable of seeing the change in yourself until much after the fact for some reason.

The long hours of exhaustion, meditation, enforced silence (there is no talking, eye contact, or even noises made by rustling or fidgeting, clearing the throat, sighing, etc., allowed), and manual labor force your normally outwardly focused attention to turn inward. There is deliberately very little to no outside stimuli at all, and your mind simply turns itself inside out in search for something to do.

This can get sticky.. as you begin to confront issues and events that you would otherwise have kept well hidden away... since you have no way of escaping them, you are forced to work with them, and, hopefully, eventually to put them to rest, or, at least... to accept them for what they are, learn what can be learned from them.. put them down.. and move on.

Time becomes an increasingly abstract concept, as watches are not allowed, and there are no clocks. Commands and instructions are given through a series of sound signals; gongs, clappers and chimes, the occasional vocal command or announcement (though these are kept to a minimum..), and hand signals (also kept to a minimum).

You are left with your own mind. Your own mind stripped bare of all of its masks, all of its accoutrements, and most (if not all) of its falsehoods and facades.

It can be unattractive. Revolting. Ugly. Frightening. ... and, eventually beautiful. With work... and very strict attentiveness, a glimpse of your actual reality and substance can be marvelous in its unadulturated 'suchness'. You are just like 'this' at this very moment... but the moment is flowing and changing and morphing... and so are you!! There is no such thing as a finished human being... we are all in a constant state of flux... and, like a silk kerchief sliding off the edge of a smoothly polished table, our lives flow without hitching up on anything.. without snagging... and without hesitation... the hesitations and snags are all in our perceptions... but life flows of its own accord, whether we are capable of seeing it or not. Like writing the story of our lives on the surface of water, we are constantly coming into existence and dissolving away simultaneously... although most of us cannot see this as it is happening.

We look inward to find our past... and outward to search for our future... but past, present, and future only exist as concepts in our minds... they are all compressed into the instantly and unceasingly flowing moment of now.

To be completely here right now is to truly embrace and engage life. To be fully here, without avoiding or averting what we dislike or fear, and without constantly seeking after what we want, or what we believe that we need is to be utterly and completely alive in the world such as it is.

And then we feel a yellow jacket land on our face, or wish that we had a doughnut.. and all of that disappears in a flash and we are back in a world of our own making...

And then we start all over again!

As I was on my way back home, I stopped to put gas in the vehicle at a station in rural upstate New York. As I was walking towards the front door of the place, a burly and very scruffy looking character looked at me through narrowed eyes. He was rough-looking, in dirty clothes, a weeks growth of beard, and sporting a set of 'Billy-Bob' teeth like tombstones... each pointing in its own direction, and each a slightly different shade of an indistinct color in the gray-green-yellow-brown spectrum. He walked into the place just ahead of me, and as I turned to look behind me, holding the door for the person I could hear coming after me, I saw a very large lumber-jack looking fellow in rubber waders, and a torn up green janitorial shirt, with a lantern jaw and piercing blue eyes. (He wouldn't have looked particularly out of place dressed in wolf pelts with a horned helmet and a huge ax in his large gnarly hands.)

There were a number of other equally troublesome-looking types inside the place, all looking at me.

(Fuck! Here we go!) I thought, as I approached the counter and got into line.

'Teeth' turned around to look me boldly in the face, and fully expected some type of challenge to issue forth...

He smiled a huge smile.. with those teeth of his... then jerked his chin towards the window on the far side of the building through which a large lake or pond was visible, and said, "At leasht shomebody is having shome fun! Them Geeshe shure are beatiful to look at!"

I looked where he had indicated, and flock of Canadian Geese were flapping and frolicking in the water, and they were, indeed, very, very beautiful to look at!!

I looked back at my friend, with new eyes, and returned his frank, open, innocent, and completely unassuming smile.. sharing and enjoying the moment with him. We conversed for a few moments, he told me that he had just finished cutting acres of hay, and now he was on his way to cut acres of grass.

The lumberjack cut in, asking me if I was one of the Zen Monks. I admitted that I was, and he smiled a huge smile, offered his hand, and said, "I always wanted to actually meet one of you folks, but I've always been shy about just walking up and trying to start a conversation... do you like being a monk?? Is it hard?? Can anybody do it??"

Once again, my perceptions were turned on their head by the reality of the situation, and spoke with him for a little while. Other folks offered their comments and smiles, and soon it was time for me to pay the cashier and head out.. to a chorus of "Safe trip!" and "Take care, now!" and other well-wishes... from total strangers.

I could not have been more mistaken in my pre-judgment of these people if I had tried. My instant judgment of these people was entirely based upon my own pre-existing attitudes, opinions, preferences, and aversions... rather than upon the reality of the situation.

I am grateful to life for being such a wonderful teacher... and to my Zen practice for giving me the clarity and calmness of mind (some of the time) to recognize the teaching when it takes place.

I may have been transformed by my experience during this training retreat.. but, as I drove towards home down the highway, surrounded by mountains covered in the spectacularly vibrant autumn greens, golds, oranges, reds, and browns.. under an impossibly high and freshly scrubbed sky, It occurred to me that, clearly, life wants me to know that there is much more in store for me to learn before it is all over.

I am always and constantly arriving...