The Sarx Rebellion

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

2014-09-03T04:39:00.001-04:00

So here I am, after 3 AM, on the third night of September with a big decision to make. A decision that will impact me greatly, one way or the other. But before I get into that, allow me to backtrack for just a moment.

Back around November or December, my depression severely worsened. I was in a pit of despair so dark, that I felt as if a glimmer of hope was only a distant fantasy. I felt like I did back when I nearly took my own life back in 2007. It seemed to me that I had lost significance in life. The one thing that brought me joy for so many years, serving at GSM and pouring into the lives of students, had turned into a mundane ritual that I was just itching to be away from. I was ready to step out and subsequently began to feel worthless again.

As I was starving for significance, God opened up the doors for another ministry opportunity. The catch, however, it would only be for a few weeks during the summer. I didn't think this opportunity was right for me, and I kept searching for ways to not do it. As per usual, God did not allow that to happen. He kept insisting, reopening the door I kept closing, and urging me to go for it. As I struggled forth, I remembered the fast I had finished a few weeks before hand where I focused on trusting in God. So I took the leap of faith and experienced one of the best summers of my life.

I've been back in town now for nearly a month. Since I've been back, I've been searching for a job, and praying that God would provide one that I would not only enjoy doing, but also pay enough to make ends meet. I had an interview last week with an organization that works with children in after school programs. This morning I received an email offering me a job to work with them. The pay isn't great, but the organization is and would help pay the bills. I was given 48 hours to respond.

Shortly after receiving the job offer email, I had a meeting with a guy about another very awesome and interesting opportunity. This opportunity would also involve me working with kids in an after school program. However, I would be working with kids on the west side of South Bend that are growing up in one of the poorest communities in St. Joe county, most of which have a very poor or difficult home life. The kicker? It's completely volunteer and won't help pay the bills. However, God provides.

During the meeting, my need to pay bills in order to continue living where I live came up. The guy I was speaking with also mentioned that this opportunity could potentially turn into a paid gig if the funding became available. But how would that help me here and now? The simple answer is, it wouldn't. However, he tossed around the idea of me possibly moving in with him and his family so I didn't have to worry about the burdens of bills and such.

So, to sum this up. Within a few months, God has really been working in my life. Bringing me through my terribly depressive state, where I was starving for significance and searching out ways to trusting in Him, to here and now. I had one of the greatest summers of my life after simply taking a leap of faith and trusting in God and I now have two wonderful organizations wanting me to come aboard with them and pour into the lives of children. If that isn't God slapping me in the face while showing me some significance, I don't know what would be.

In a few short hours I will be making my official decision on the matter. I have spent a significant amount of time in prayer about this and hope that I am making the right decision. Regardless of which opportunity I decide to take on, I know God will use me in great ways. Because, after all, it is His kingdom we are serving and not our own.

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose" - Dr. Seuss Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Mother's Day

2013-05-13T03:45:00.000-04:00

"Happy Mother's Day to the best mother I could ever ask for!" "On this day, I wish to give thanks to my mother for giving me guidance all throughout my life!" "To the best mother in the world, I hope you are able to enjoy this day. You deserve it!"

As I open up Facebook, these are the types of postings that flood my news feed. Whilst reading though them, I feel myself growing jealous, angry, and even depressed. I'm happy for the people that are able to sincerely pay tribute to their mothers, but I also tend to covet them at the same time.

In 1999, I was nearing the end of my 3rd grade year. It had been a particularly difficult year for me. You see, this had been my first year at a new school. There were very few people I liked, and even less that I considered friends.

My teacher, Mrs. Weaver, wanted to throw a Mother's Day celebration. We were to invite our mother's to come in and we would share our love for them with our class. I was very excited to go home and invite my mom to come in and enjoy the day with us. I told my mother about it and she said she would try to get off work early enough to make it.

The next couple of days in class, we spent time making gifts. One of them was a felt black bear holding a heart with our school picture in the center of the heart. I was very proud of this, and couldn't wait to give it to my mom during our celebration.

I made sure to remind my mom often about the celebration at my school. I couldn't wait to give her the things I had made and hoped she would be as proud to receive them as I was to make them. She assured me that she would try her best to make it there.

The day had finally come to celebrate our mothers and give them our gifts. One after one, each student's mom walked in. Through each passing shadow, I hoped to see my mom walk through the door.

Time grew on, and I continued to anxiously await the arrival of my mother...she never showed up.

"She must have got stuck at work." I thought to myself.

So that I wouldn't feel left out, Mrs. Weaver asked an assistant teacher to be my 'stand-in' mother. I hated seeing all of the other kids being so happy with their moms and having fun showing them their gifts. I remember wishing my mom never started working so she could have been there.

At the end of the day, my teacher told me to take my gift home to my mother. She said that she would still love to see it.

As I walked home, I held my felt bear. I couldn't wait to give it to my mom when she got home from work.

When I walked in the door, she was already home. I was confused, but maybe she had just got there. I reminded her that we had the Mother's Day celebration at school that day and she said she forgot about it.

The more she talked, the quicker I realized that she was drunk. I distinctly remember going into my room and crying for hours. "Why does she have to drink so much?" "Why couldn't she love me enough to not drink for just one day?" The more the questions streamed through my head and the tears down my face the more I hated her.

Since then, I have had a few stand-in mothers. A few women in my life that have been there through the ups and downs. We've shared laughter and tears. A few women, to whom I a truly thankful for.

I wish I had time to give individual praise to each of these women. Without them, I'd be even more lost than I currently am. Alison SilverRaven, Stefanie Scott, Kathy Trusty, and Aunt Karen; You all mean more to me than I could ever adequately express. Thank so much for being there with me through the thick and thin, the good times and the bad, you are truly a blessing sent from God. I love you!

Importance of Testimony

2012-12-01T19:25:00.000-05:00

Often times, we as Christians, neglect to share our testimonies. There may be many reasons for this such as, afraid of public speaking, not wanting to make oneself look like a fool, not knowing how to put it into words, or thinking that you don't have a testimony worthy enough to share.

Let me field my thoughts on that last statement for a moment.

So you grew up in a Christian home, never missed Sunday school since you were a month old, and have never strayed from the 'straight and narrow'? That doesn't mean you didn't face struggles along the way. If you're close with God, Satan will try to tempt and fool you so you don't stay there. Everyone has a testimony worthy of sharing, even if it's not built up on a living a life of destruction through sex, drugs, and alcohol and then "finding the light". If you truly believe you don't have a testimony demonstrating your struggles on living a life without sin, I think you should take some time and look into your life and if you're actually pursuing God.

With that being said, let me get on with my next point.

How can I get over my fear/neglect of sharing my testimony? For this, I recommend looking to scripture.

But when the Helper comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth, who proceeds from the Father, he will bear witness about me. John 15:26

We need to realize that it's not really our testimony. It is God's and we are to share with others what God has done through us. God has allowed us to live so that HE may be glorified and neglecting to share a testimony is neglecting to glorify Him.

Now I challenge you.

The next time someone asks you about your life, be real with them. Do not waste a single minute in hesitation. The more you do this, and the more honest you are, the more Christ will be glorified!

Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth. John 17:17

From Affliction to Redemption

2012-09-10T12:36:00.000-04:00

Today is Suicide Awareness Day and also marks 6 years after my baptism. The two go hand-and-hand for me.

Just a few short years ago, my life was in shambles and I was lost in a world of confusion. I was alone and had no one to turn to. Drinking my life away and turning to pot as a means to numb the pain, I often contemplated suicide, and on a few occasions even attempted it. Very few people know my story, so I am going to share with you now a shortened version.

Growing up I rarely felt any love from this world. There were only a couple of family members from which I received a genuine love. Because of this, I often felt alone and seldom did I experience happiness. In order to dull the pain of my soul, I inflicted myself with physical pain by burning myself with red hot metal. The sizzling of my skin and the smell of burnt skin would often fill my bedroom as I wept for hours on end. One of my brother's friends caught me in the act and offered me a less painful solution. We smoked some weed, and the higher I was, the less pain I felt. This became my "medication".

After a while, the weed helped less and less. Getting drunk and high only numbed my pains for a few hours. During my times of sobriety I wanted nothing more than to die. I thought, "Why continue living if it's only going to bring me pain and depression?"

I started going to church with my aunt and decided to offer up my life to Christ. Keeping one-foot in church, and the other in the world. I was still trying to understand who God was and if I was even worthy of such a God. Years of worthlessness kept me blind to His true love.

Wanting a relationship with Christ, I decided to be baptized. When the church I was attending announced their upcoming baptism, I was all in.

Now with God on my side, I everything was going to get better....or not. The one person I felt like truly loved me unconditionally had cancer. I thought that if I prayed enough she could be healed, but that didn't happen.

As her illness worsened, I began to give up on God. Still going to church occasionally, I had little hope in what this 'all loving God' could do. If he couldn't help this wonderful woman that had done so much good for so many people, what good was he to me?

My grandmother passed away in April of 2007. With my world shattered, I gave up prayer. I must have been doing it wrong anyway and God wasn't hearing me. I completely lost ambition to live. Quit going to school, started drinking and smoking more, and went back to burning myself.

Now that my grandmother was gone, I really had no reason to live.

I began to 'toy' with my life. I would walk out across the highway without looking, often causing drivers to slam on their brakes in attempts to not hit me. I would walk on the train-tracks towards oncoming train, hoping they would't stop, and when they did, I would get very angry. Night after night I would take handfuls of pills and hope I didn't wake up.

Frustration from many failed attempts, my depression worsened.

One night, I completely lost all sanity. I was missing my grandmother, I had no god to listen to me, and my ability to see good in anything was depleted. I grabbed my bottle of vodka, many handfuls of painkillers, and a sharp razor blade. This was it, my final moments of life.

With everything laid out before me, I was ready to end my life. However, there was a sudden urge to cry out to the God I gave my life to. I got down on my knees and said to Him, "...if you have any reason that I should not take my life tonight, I need a clear and definite sign." I sat silent for a while waiting to hear something...anything at all. During the silence, I heard nothing, and thought--forget it, I'm doing it.

When I opened my eyes, I was affixed my gaze on the wall of my room. There, I saw a light, in the shape of Jesus' face. A light, breaking the deep darkness of my room, in the image of the savior. No sign could ever be more clear than that. He was there, with me. I fell on my face and began to apologize for losing site of Him, for doubting Him, and most of all for ignoring Him.

The light of Christ has great authority and will penetrate even the darkest of rooms. No matter how dark out lives, or how deep we fall into the pits of depression, addiction, selfishness, greed, or anything else that might trouble us, He is there and He will never leave us. We are not alone, HALLELUJAH, we are redeemed and freed by the blood of the Holy One!

I know that if I had not offered my life to Christ and dedicated my soul through baptism, I would not be here today. If I hadn't accepted Him, I would have been blind to what He had showed me that night. This is why, on September 10th, I celebrate my birthday. For I was dead, but have been reborn.

If you struggle with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, don't shrug them off. There are many people willing to be there for you. You are loved, even if you don't know it. You are worthy, even if you don't feel it.

If you don't know of anyone you can talk to, please don't hesitate to call a crisis helpline

National Hopeline Network
(800) SUICIDE

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(800) 273-TALK (8255)

National Youth Crisis Hotline
(800) 442-HOPE (4673)

Girls & Boys Town National Hotline
(800) 448-3000

International Helplines

It's Time I Give Up

2012-07-28T11:25:00.001-04:00

For the last 8 years I have been trying to delay the process of growing up. Since I was 14 and first realized how much life changes every year, I've wanted nothing more than to stay a kid. I didn't want to progress through a time where loved ones would die off and I'd be left with a hole in my heart. I got sick at the thought of being on my own in a cold world full of stress any worrying. The thing is, I can't continue living in this fantasy of mine. It is time I give up on trying to remain a kid and grow into the adult I am supposed to be.

I was just watching a show that had a family with strong family bonds. Even though I didn't have that growing up, I know I can make sure that it will be present in my home when I have a family. Then I started to think about my family....the one I don't have.

As I was thinking about the fact that I don't yet have a family to raise, I realized that I don't even have a career at the moment that could support a family.

As I thought about my lack of career, I realized that I don't have the educational backing to get me into a good career.

I am twenty-two years old and I should have been graduated from college by now, but I haven't even started, I am stuck in a dead-end job, and I can't open myself up enough to accept the love others are trying to offer me.

As I watch those I grew up with graduate from college, begin their work in their chosen careers, and take on family roles, I felt it was time to evaluate my life.

I have chosen that I will now finally begin my journey into the real life of an adult. I figure, a late start to life is better than no start at all, right? Well, this is where it begins. I am putting away my toys and venturing off into this scary world that I've pushed away for too long. I am giving up on my dream of always being a kid and going to take on real responsibilities as an adult should.

So long, old me. Hello, you2.0

Move 2012

2012-06-25T15:27:00.001-04:00

Wow! I don't think I will ever be able to adequately describe the wonderful things God did this past week through the Granger Student Ministries 2012 MOVE team, but let me just tell you what I am able.

MOVE is an annual mission trip done by the students of Granger Community Church's student ministries locally. The team meets in a hotel in South Bend's north side and stays for a few nights. Each morning they all get up, put on their game faces, and set out to change their own community for the glory of God.

“The light that shines farthest shines brightest at home." -- C.T. Studd

On our first work day, we headed out to Crooked Creek Ranch in Wakarusa. Some of us were clearing the pasture of rocks so that the horses have clean grounds to trot, some were building a mounting block so small children don't have a difficult time getting on and off the horses, and others were cleaning saddle blankets. To some, this may not sound like much, but to the owner of the ranch who relies completely on volunteers, it was huge! All of this gives the ranch the ability to reach out to hurting children and adults and show them a love that they don't realize is there.

The next day we went to Monroe Circle Community Center (MC3) in South Bend. Here we did things such as sweeping debris and garbage off of the walking paths, picking up trash around the property, cleaning windows, and detailing chairs and tables. MC3's mission is to help each adult and each child living on South Bend’s Near West Side take their next step toward a full and meaningful life, to add value, and to encourage and help each person discover their worth for the purpose of developing a vibrant, safe and strong community with strong families.

After we finished the work in the community center, we headed over to Monroe Circle's pick nick area where we were blessed with the opportunity to play with the children that live there. Children that may come from homes of neglect, abuse, addictions, and poverty. Some of these children wouldn't even know what the word love meant if it wasn't for what MC3 and Son City Kids are doing.

For the third and final work day, we had the chance to serve at South Bend's Center for the Homeless. The team split up to tackle a large workload. We had teams organizing the pantry, sorting donations, folding linens, working in the community garden, and preparing and serving lunch to the residents. CFH helps men and women get back on their feet and into homes of their own through many education and rehabilitation programs.

After a lot of hard work at CFH, an ice cream social and games for the children was on the agenda. There was bingo, temporary tattoos, games of ring toss, crafts, and lots and lots of ice cream!

Special thanks to:

Cindy Sandine, Owner and operator of Crooked Creek Ranch Ministries.

LeRoy King III, Director of MC3.

Peter Lombardo, Director of Community Involvement at South Bend Center for the Homeless.

Maribeth Roncz, long time volunteer of the South Bend Center for the Homeless.

Granger Student Ministries' staff and interns.

The countless volunteers that make all of these organization possible.

Slaying Giants in 6 Steps

2012-05-10T01:19:00.001-04:00

I received this email today, from the Founder and CEO of C28/NOTW. I thought it would be good to share with you all as an encouragement for whenever life gets difficult.

Dear Friends,

When was the last time you were at your very end? In the face of great dangers we can slay 1000 dragons by praying and praising God well before our victories are actually granted. In 2 Chronicles 20:1-26, three huge armies were about to attack and destroy King Jehoshaphat and his people of Judah. There was no human hope, but check out the 6 supernatural steps Jehoshaphat took to change his circumstances!

#1, Jehoshaphat sought the Lord. "...Alarmed, Jehoshaphat resolved to inquire of the LORD,...The people of Judah came together to seek help from the LORD"..."

#2, Jehoshaphat rehearsed their past experiences of how the Lord had helped them before, and how he was now trusting God to help them again. "...Then Jehoshaphat stood up... and said:...Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you. O our God, did you not drive out the inhabitants of this land before your people Israel and give it forever to the descendants of Abraham your friend?...we will...cry out to you in our distress, and you will hear us and save us.' From our past experiences, we can look back to past trials where God has helped us, and then gain confidence in the Lord to face the future!

#3, Jehoshaphat admitted that He was powerless on his own. He trusted and waited for God's deliverance in spite of the dire circumstances! "...For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."Have you been real with God and confessed your need for Him? Are you trusting in God fully, waiting patiently upon God's help?

#4, Jehoshaphat admitted that this battle was not his battle. "...This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's...Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you,...Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.'" Our battles are God's battles. God wants to fight our battles for us, if we only allow Him to do so.

#5, Jehoshaphat and his people began to praise the Lord before going to war, "...Have faith in the LORD your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful."...Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the LORD and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying: "Give thanks to the LORD, for his love endures forever." Will you begin praising God right now in spite of how dark things may look. Even though your battles may appear bleak, will you in faith praise Him ahead of time?

#6, Jehoshaphat and his people kept praising God, and the God of this universe defeated their enemies!!! ...As they began to sing and praise, the LORD set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were defeated... they destroyed one another... So Jehoshaphat and his men went to carry off their plunder, and they found among them a great amount of equipment and clothing and also articles of value—more than they could take away... Not only did God save Jehoshaphat and his people from destruction, but God then also gave them all the spoils and plunder of war!!!

Will you rehearse in your mind all the times God has already been faithful in helping you out of troubles? Will you admit the war you may be in is not yours to fight alone? Will you start praising God in advance, as you wait for Him to come through? Will you give Him your worries, fears, anger and or whatever extra burdens you may be carrying? God wants to carry our burdens for us, will you give them over to Him? God loves you no matter what!

In His Grace,

Aurelio F. Barreto III, FOUNDER & CEO

God, Why Me?

2012-04-29T23:56:00.000-04:00

I often look at my life and wonder why You have chosen me. I mean, I have never done anything extraordinary or too meaningful. I'm not a good person by any means and I don't set myself in position to change the world. The life I have made for myself is utterly chaotic and yet You still choose to bless me? I can say that I don't now, or ever will understand Your interest in me. I do not deserve a single blessing from You.

What could possibly be so special about me? A broken guy with a painful past? One who can barely hold on to any hope? Why do you continue to work in my life? How am I worthy enough to be so beautifully chosen to spread Your word? Why would such a divine being such as yourself choose to love such a wretched soul?

Time and time again these thoughts flood my mind. I try to dismiss them, but they are too powerful for me. I consistently wish I could just scramble my brains so I don't have to worry about them. At these times I feel so apart from God that life doesn't seem to have any purpose.Why should I continue to waste time on this planet if there is no reason for me?

"For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father." Romans 8:15

These thoughts are provoked by the adversary. He tries to beat us down and pull us away from God. Why might he try this? Well, it's because he is afraid. He doesn't seem to realize that he has already been defeated, but he has. We read about this in Revelation.

“And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels waging war with the dragon. And the dragon and his angels waged war, but he did not have the strength to win, and there was no longer a place found for them in heaven. And the great dragon was thrown down, the ancient serpent, the one who is called the devil and Satan, the one who deceives the whole inhabited earth – he was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him. And I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, 'Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ, because the accuser of our brothers was thrown down, the one who accuses them before our God day and night.' And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life up to death." Revelation 12: 7-11

We have victory in Jesus! However, let us not rush past a key part in Revelation 12:11. Our testimony is monumental in the defeat of the enemy. I have been failing to share my testimony and because of that, Satan still has a stronghold on me. I don't like this stronghold, so I must fight back. I am choosing life, and with life, I must share the testimonial life that I have been ever so blessed with.

We each have a testimony whether we believe it or not. I pray that everyone gains the courage to share their testimony and that we, together with Jesus, can defeat Satan! Amen.

The Beginning of the Fast

2012-02-22T01:28:00.000-05:00

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the lent season. For the first time in my life I will actually be observing Lent. For the next 46 days I will be eating strictly raw vegetables, fruits, nuts and beans(Daniel Fast). This will be quite the change in my diet as I have recently been eating tons of processed meats, cheeses, and noodles.

My flatmates and I just got back from our first shopping experience to start off the fasting. What an experience it was. I have never spent my entire time grocery shopping in the produce section. After about 45 minutes we had a cart full and ready to go. We have also purged our apartment of all things not Daniel Fast appropriate.

I am expected a great spiritual awareness during this season. I hope to get back to the point where I rely wholly on God. I already know that I will be tempted often to stray even the slightest bit from the strict diet I have agreed to. In these moments I pray that I can be strong and that it draws me nearer to God.

I ask that you consider praying for my flatmates and myself, as well as the others embarking on such a journey. There are a little over 20 of us that have decided to take part in the Daniel Fast during Lent. Some people are not going to stick to the bare minimum for health or other reasons. I, however, feel led to stay strict in order to get back to that place that I once was with my Father.

I plan to post a new blog at least three times a week, if not more, as I journey deep into a diet completely against my norm. I would love to get feedback with your thoughts and prayers as well as what you are giving up for lent if you are to partake. Thank you for reading and have a blessed day.

Incomplete Work

2012-01-24T16:27:00.000-05:00

Do you ever begin a task with every intention of completing it but never actually getting around to doing so? Yea...me too. It can be quite frustrating at times. Often times I go so far as feeling the sense of being a failure due to the inability to complete a predetermined task. Why is it that we do this? Why are we able to start something with every intention to finish it, yet we don't? I have a few ideas.

I've noticed a pattern in my incomplete assignments. It's not lack of motivation, it's not lack of interest, and it certainly isn't lack of ability. What it tends to be for me is the lack of gathering the necessary materials.

No matter what you are trying to complete, there is always a list of pre-task materials. If you're writing a blog or a paper, you should gather your thoughts on paper before engaging. If you are painting a room, you should be sure and have enough paint, brushes, and plastic coverings so you don't ruin your carpet. If you are building a dresser, you might want to be sure to have the right amount of wood as well as the proper tools in your shed.

I feel like the same thing happens in our walk with Christ. We may, from time to time, set out fully motivated to BE the Church as we are called to do. So why don't we? It goes back to what I was saying about the carnal tasks we set out to do. Lack of starting material.

If we wish to fully extend our reach to the depths of the hurting and the dens of the needy, then we must be fully prepared. We must engage in Bible reading, we should be sure to be ready for all attacks of Satan, and we might want to be open and caring enough to love everybody equally.

When we adequately prepare ourselves we cannot and will not be stopped. So with that, I ask of you, are you preparing yourself? Is there a reason your tasks stay incomplete more often than not? I challenge you to prepare your body, mind, and soul. Then let's see how much we can complete.

James 2:17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

Psalm 1 Break Down Part 1

2012-01-15T18:33:00.000-05:00

Psa 1:1 Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

Psa 1:2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

Psa 1:3 And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

Psa 1:4 The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away.

Psa 1:5 Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous.

Psa 1:6 For the LORD knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish.

_____________________________________________

Thursday night at Impact we were encouraged to meditate on Psalm 1 this week. To help me with that and gain further insight, I decided I'd break it down verse by verse.

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

Let's take a look at the meaning of the words in bold. For this, I will be using the Strong's Hebrew & Greek Lexicon.

Blessed - 'esher(H835), meaning happiness. 'Esher comes from the word 'âshar(H833), meaning to go forward or prosper.
Counsel - ‛êtsâh(H6098), meaning advice or plan.
Ungodly - râshâ‛(H7563); morally wrong
Standeth - ‛âmad(H5975); abide (behind), appoint, arise, cease, confirm, continue, dwell, be employed, endure, establish, leave, make, ordain
Way - derek(H1870); along, conversation, custom, journey, manner
Scornful - lûts(H3887); to scof, to make a mock, mocker

My version:

Happy/prosperous is the man that doesn't take advice from the morally impaired nor abide by the customs of the sinners, nor sits as the mockers.

Thoughts:

It is often times easy for us to get caught up in the what everyone around us is doing. If we let ourselves lose focus of God and fall into the traps the devil has set we will have difficulty in finding happiness.

But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

Delight - chêphets(H2656); pleasure, desire, willingly
Law - tôrâh(H8451); a precept or statute
Meditate - hâgâh(H1897); study

My version:

But he willingly is in the law of the LORD; he studies the law both day and night.

Thoughts:

We should have a desire for knowing the word of God so much that we willingly study it often.

Season of Sorrow

2011-12-23T01:08:00.000-05:00

Maw-maw, my maw-maw, where are you tonight? This is the 4th Christmas I will have to endure without your presence. As the pain sets in I miss you more. Life has not been the same since you left us all those years ago. You kept our family alive. We have slithered to destruction without you as our glue. I never thought we could fall apart so much. I just want to scream and pull my hair out. I know you will never read this or never know how much I miss you.

Unworthy and Worthless

2011-12-13T10:22:00.000-05:00

Often times throughout my life I would look in the mirror and simply whisper the word "worthless". This is what I ultimately thought of myself.

What does it mean to be worthless? Being worthless means to have no value, no meaning, no use.

Without value, use or meaning there is no reason to live or even want to live.

Naturally, since I thought myself to be worthless, I also thought myself to be unworthy. What was I unworthy of? Love. Acceptance. Friendship. Life.

Why would anyone ever look at me and love me for me? No one would ever be able to love such an unworthy person.

Unworthy and worthless. Nothing more. At least, that is what I thought. It was a long and lonely trip deep into a dark pit of despair and abandonment of any care before finding out how truly wrong I was.

Imagine the darkest black you have ever seen. Impenetrable by light. Sucking away all life from anything in existence. That was my address. The place I called home. A home in which one could not find enough comfort to sleep, but also no reason to stay awake. Being ripped apart by each demented thought. Being choked by the lies of Satan. No hope and no reason remained.

Then suddenly, blasting away the darkness, came a love unlike any other. Jesus came running for me. Fighting away all the demons I let consume me. He placed me on His shoulders and carried me away from that pit. Taking the jabs for me. Bloody and bruised, he redeemed me. Freed me from my prison.

Jesus gave me a home on His shoulders. I never have to leave. I can rest comfortably on His shoulders as long as I want to. This is my new home.

Jesus let me know that I am worthy. I am worthy of His love, His acceptance, His friendship, and His life. I do have worth. I am worth His blood and His body. He took on flesh and accepted a brutal death so that I don't have to suffer.

Purely by the grace of God I am worthy and I have worth!

If Jesus Returned Tomorrow

2011-12-02T18:37:00.000-05:00

When I was a child my family did not regularly attend church. With my two older brothers I often attended various youth groups. We pretty much just went for the fun and games. I remember when I was around 9 or 10 we discussed when we would start living a Christian lifestyle. I stated that when I turned 40 I would probably then be willing and ready to live life as a Christian.

Last night at the Impact bible study one questioned asked was, "Are you anticipating the return of Jesus?" After some discussion, one student boldly declared, "Many people would live differently if they knew Jesus would return tomorrow. I know I would." That just pains my soul so I could only imagine how that makes Jesus feel. Many of us, myself included, aren't living wholly for Jesus and realize there are some things we have to change before His return. The return of the Messiah is near, but there are some things that still have to happen, according to the bible, before it takes place. Knowing this makes it easier for many of us to live in sin. By sin I mean not completely sanctified in His spirit.

What are we waiting for? We may not all live to be 40 so why continue to wait? Jesus here now. Calling to us and asking us to follow him. Giving us many opportunities and reasons to, yet we still hold back? Holding back from the One who came and died and defeated Satan and gives us life. To me it doesn't make any sense.

This leads me to my question. If Jesus returned tomorrow, would you know Him? Matthew 24:24 states "For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very Elect" To me that is something that makes me want to know Jesus even more. I don't want to be deceived by a false prophet. The only way I find it possible to not be taken by one of the false prophets is to not depend on Jesus for His miracles, but instead for His love and relationship. If we can get ourselves to develop a relationship with Christ and not what He does for us, we will be ready for His return.

The day Jesus does return will be a beautiful day. For this day I cannot wait. But until that day is upon us I will continue to fashion my life in a way that not only glorifies God, but also brings people to know Him. Praise be to God.

Holy Battle Rage

2011-11-08T03:25:00.000-05:00

I am ready for the war of the ages. I stand, sword in hand, behind the only One I ever wish to lead me into battle. Holy battle rage! Holy battle rage!
I seek the leadership of no man. I am already dead to this world and I have nothing left to fear. I've pledged my allegiance to the Lord. Holy battle rage! Holy battle rage!
Protected by the full armor of God, no weapon formed against me will prosper. I have the power to end your existence within me. Holy battle rage! Holy battle rage!
Nothing can stop me at this point. I am storming the gates of hell with zero notion of retreat. The battle is already won, now we must let it rage. Holy battle rage! Holy battle rage!
You fought against my King and now you beg for mercy. I wrap my hands around your throat and choke out your final words. Holy battle rage! Holy battle rage!

We fight this day for the glory of our King!
We fight this day for the glory of our King!
Surrender you fool before the final bells Ring!

--

It's been a long time since I wrote anything of any poetic value to me. I have to be strong in a certain emotion to even get the thought to write. Well, I am currently in battle mode. I am pumped up for any battle against Satan and even more so for that final battle. The day Satan is cast into the lake along with all things evil is a day I long for. But until then, I am donning the Holy Armor to fight all battles in the name of Jesus. I will no longer be beat down by the evil ways of the one who is eternally damned. I have the ability to cast down all evil spirits and to fight away all demons. I will not tremble if Satan himself stands before me ready to fight. I am a soldier in the Army of God! There is great power in proclaiming that. Put on your Armor of God, grab your Sword of the Spirit, stand your ground with faith in God, and let this holy battle rage!

Complaining About a Luxury

2011-10-31T02:16:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I got an amazing opportunity to go on a Fall Retreat with a group of college students associated with Impact Campus Ministries. Many things occurred during the retreat and I will post about a majority of it later. However, I really feel God tugging on my heart to first share about one thing in particular that He revealed to me.

One frigid autumn evening a young man is about to turn-in for the night. He dons his pajamas, lays out his pillow, opens up his sleeping bag and slips inside. Slightly chilled he decides to zip the sleeping bag all the way up and cover his head. The young man tosses and turns a few times and finally drifts off to sleep.
About a half hour into his sleep, he awakes. Thinking to himself, "This cot is too thin, this bunk is too loud, this bag is too small, and it's just way too hot in this cabin!" After a few adjustments the young man gives it another try. Soon, he is able to nod off yet again. Many times throughout the night a similar scenario takes place. Never completely reaching a comfortable state.
*Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* It is now 6:35 in the morning. The young man, drenched in sweat and wholly disgusted, reaches over and shuts off the alarm. Excited about what God has in store for him he decides to move past the vexatious evening and hop into the shower.
Feeling clean and rejuvenated he makes his way down to the fellowship hall. Still a bit sleepy-eyed he chooses to grab a cup of coffee and sit down by the fire. No one else is around. He finds it is a good time to read his bible and journal a bit about the previous evening.
One after another, people begin to trickle in. Some will gather around various games and others will cozy up near the fire. A hallow hum of conversation occupies the atmosphere. In no time, the inevitable question finds its way to the young man. "How did you sleep last night?" one student inquires. The young man replies, "Not well at all. It was way too hot in the cabin. I was covered in sweat when I woke up." The student agrees it was a bit warmer than he would have preferred. In and out of conversation the palaver finally dies away, leaving the young man, once again, to his own thoughts.
A few minutes into thought and "BAM!", it hits him, "I just complained about a luxury, a blessing, than many people go without."

Yea, this is a true story. I caught myself complaining about something God blessed me with. Many people are, right at this very moment, laying on hard ground and shivering. Some may have multiple layers of clothes they found laying around or some old newspapers to lay on, but many of them have not even that. Not a stitch of extra blanket, not a bit of padding to place between their body and the frosty ground. Some people beg for change so they can buy booze in order to gain the false sense of heat hoping to combat against the nippy winds that rips through their dilapidated clothing. While there are people out there freezing to death, I am complaining about being warm.

Previously this year I met nearly 20 different homeless men and women. Some of them are able to find a bed at a local shelter when the temperatures decrease. While others are turned away due to over-crowding. I normally would have expected these people to be faithless. Not so. Even when faced with such hard times, more than a few of these people were completely thankful to God for anything and everything they had. If they were blessed with extra food, they willingly offered it to another person of misfortune that needed it.

My brethren that go without do not complain about having too little, yet I complain about too much?

Talk about God blasting you in the face with a revelation! I am grateful that he did. I hope that I can take this encounter and carry it through life. When I begin to complain about all that I have, I pray that I will be reminded of this moment and instead of complaining shout thanks to the Provider.

Thank you Jesus for the luxury to be too warm.

Casting Crowns - Come To The Well

2011-10-18T09:38:00.000-04:00

I am absolutely loving this album! I am sure you will too. Enjoy it!

A Letter To My Dad

2011-10-16T01:16:00.000-04:00

Tonight I went with a few people to see the movie Courageous. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. Also, take lots of tissues. Courageous is about a few fathers who decide "good enough" isn't enough. They sign a covenant between them, God and their families to go that extra mile. Even though I am not a father, this movie hit home really hard. At one point in the movie, the Sheriff reads some statistics to the men about those who grow up without their fathers are several times more likely to commit suicide, or even more so to turn to a life of crime. Even though I knew my father and had a step-dad in the home, I still felt fatherless. I have held much resentment for my birth father for many years. After seeing this movie, I feel I need to write my father a letter and express to him how I feel. These are some things I have held on to for years and it is time I relieve myself of it. I pray that everyone gets to grow up with a father they know loves them. If you are not so lucky, I pray that you are blessed as I am to realize that no matter your relationship your earthly father, you have a father in Heaven that absolutely adores you and laid down his own life so that you may live. I wouldn't normally post something so personal on a blog, but my hope is that this will give you the courage to repair any broken relationship you may have with your parents or children. Feel free to read the letter I am writing to my father.

Dear dad,

I just finished watching the movie "Courageous" and felt a need to share with you some things I have been carrying for a long time.

As you may know, I just had my 22nd birthday. After 22 years, I don't really know you. Sure, you have been around and you didn't completely abandon me, but you also weren't there when I needed you. I have so few memories with you growing up. What I remember most is any time I was at grandma's I wished that you would show up. When I would hear you were going to come over I would sleep on the front porch because I knew it would make the time between then and when you showed up feel significantly less. Any moment I got to spend with you was something I treasured dearly.

As I grew older I had less of an expectation to see you. As that expectation grew more and more shallow, the need grew deeper. I needed a dad in my life and couldn't look at you as mine. I prayed that you would call and want to see me. I rarely received such call. I started to realize that you had a family that needed you and you had to be there for them. But even though I realized that and lived with my mom and step-dad, I remained broken and alone. I fell deep into depression, not because of you, but you weren't there.

You would sometimes tell me to call if I wanted to spend time with you. I never did. Why? I didn't call because I didn't want to be needy and pull you away from your real family to spend time with your bastard child. I still had a need, however, to want to be wanted by my dad. I wanted a dad that loved me out of choice, not out of necessity.

I have held on to resentment of you for the last few years. I trained myself to not think of you as my father, but as an uncle. I know you are my father, but the connection between a dad and his child was never there. But it is okay. I am writing this letter to you not to make you feel guilty, but to tell you I forgive you. Also, you have three children living with you of whom it is not too late to be a dad to. Don't let work and stress overtake your life and steal away your time to be a dad. Be there for them. Not out of obligation, but out of love. I pray that you choose to be not just their father, but even more so, be their daddy. Be the one they can look to for sound advice, be the one they can learn from, be the one they can lean on when their heart is broken. Don't let them go away feeling resentment.

As I mentioned earlier, my 22nd birthday just passed. This was a day of deep depression for me. It reminded me that the one person I looked up to and actually felt loved by was no longer with us. Usually this is a day of celebration for being alive another year. But instead, for me, it was a day of mourning for the loss of grandma. Even though I had slept most the day away, I was happy when the doorbell rang and Karen woke me up saying you were there. Turns out, it was the pastor and his wife from a church she attended and they drove a car similar to yours.

There is so much I wanted to say in this letter but I just can't think clearly right now. I pray that I will soon have the courage to talk about this with you face to face and that you will be willing to listen. I love you.

Your son,
Greg

I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.

2011-10-02T22:44:00.000-04:00

1 Oh, what joy for those

whose disobedience is forgiven,

whose sin is put out of sight!

2 Yes, what joy for those

whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,

whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

3 When I refused to confess my sin,

my body wasted away,

and I groaned all day long.

4 Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.

My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

5 Finally, I confessed all my sins to you

and stopped trying to hide my guilt.

I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”

And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.

Psalm 32: 1-5

Yup, that's right. If we stop trying to cover-up our transgressions from the God that knows all, we can live free of guilt! This is great news. I don't know about you, but I am sure tired of hiding from God and covering up my sins. Verses 3 and 4 are probably some of the hardest words for me to grasp. Really. Think about it. Is it true that we may be causing some of the problems in our own lives? Well that is what it looks like. If we continue to hide our sins from God, how is he supposed to offer us the grace that we long for? When I read verse 5, I get such an amazing revelation. I no longer have to suffer guilt! I confess and I am forgiven and am cleansed of all guilt. Hallelujah!

Abba, I come to you in complete surrender. I have sinned against you and your Name. I vow to never hide anything from you again. This guilt I have suffered for so long, I lay it at your feet. I am sorry for all the times I have turned away from you and was too ashamed to ask for your forgiveness. Please, Oh Lord, settle into my heart and never let me push you out. Cleanse me, Father, of all the sins I have committed against you. My addictions that get in the way of me loving you wholly, my lack of trust, my stubbornness, my fears, Lord, I lay it all down and pray that you will free me from the shackles of guilt I have put myself in. Amen, and amen.

Are you fired up for Jesus?

2011-09-11T23:30:00.000-04:00

Really, are you fired up for Jesus? WAIT! Don't you dare answer that with word! What are you thinking? Show Him! Don't show me. Don't show your pastor. Don't show your congregation. Show Him! Do you want to dance for joy every time you hear the name of Jesus? Why aren't you rejoicing? Did you hear what I just said? J-E-S-U-S! Do you understand what a truly remarkable name that is? Do you understand what He did for you and I? The God of the Universe got up off his throne and became a man. Yea...a man. Would you be willing to leave your throne if you were THE KING? The King over all? Would you sacrifice yourself to become a human being? AH! I just want to leap for joy at the mere utterance of His name! So let me do this again...JESUS! Right now, no matter where you are or who is around, get up and do a little dance of joy for the Lord! I think he deserves it. Don't you? Anyway, back to my original question. Are you truly fired up? We shouldn't have to actually answer that question because it should be shown through or everyday life. Ever single thing we do should be in honor of the greatest love of all, Jesus Christ of Nazareth! Glorify the name of the King with your every action, every word, your every breath! Let's do this together. As the greatest family on the face of the earth. Let us come together and live as one for the joy of the Lord! Let us shout in unison through our hearts the joy we have for Him, Jehovah! Love on your brothers and sisters. Shun no one. Leave no one out. This is the greatest family ever and all are welcome to enter in. The invitation has been extended by the head of the family, and we must welcome everyone as a member. Brothers and Sisters, let us lift up one another unto the Lord. Through this, we will show Him that we truly care for Him! Our actions shall be louder than any words. It's time to live for him fired up! I hope you are now fired up! Let's go heal the world!

Never Forget

2011-09-11T08:57:00.000-04:00

Hard to believe 10 years ago to the day this nation was brought under attacks of terrorist in the name of religion. God bless the fallen, those who risked it all, and those who lost someone on that tragic day. I remember that day so clearly and wish I didn't.

It was a normal September day in my sixth grade class with Mr. Diamond. We were taking the ISTEP exam. Mr. Diamond asked me to take a note to Mrs. Fox in the office. When I got in there I looked on the T.V. she was watching and saw the Pentagon aflame. I asked what happened and she said nothing and to go back to class. Nothing? Really? I believe that is anything other than nothing. But, I understand why she would say that. Well, school went on like usual. There was no buzz of what was going on. So after school I went to the football practice field. No one was there. I headed back to the school to see why. Mrs. Fox said that all after school activities had been cancelled so everyone could spend time with their family. I was confused, but I just left it alone. I walked a few blocks to my grandma's house where I usually went after school. My grandpa had surprisingly already been off work and he and she were watching on the T.V. the news and what had all happen. I remember discussing with the family the possibility of war and what all this tragedy would bring about. I am sure many people remember plainly where they were and what they were doing that day. Don't be afraid to tell your story. My thoughts and prayers forever remain with the families of the victims of 9/11 God Bless America.

R.I.P. 343

God is Great!

2011-08-24T10:45:00.000-04:00

So the other day I posted a blog expressing some discomfort I had. I was a bit angry at God, yet(what I thought was) understanding. Well, it turns out, I was wrong. I was having a conversation with God at work he informed me why I was feeling so down. It's because I went against him without realizing it. There was something that was going on that was kind of a big deal. He had told me to wait. I was trying to, yet I ended up not. I had let my carnal feelings get above God. With great regret, I went ahead and did what I was supposed to wait on before it was time. And THIS is why I started feeling down. Sorry, to my God, that I went against your very word. You are so amazing. Thank you for giving me this revelation. I love you, Abba! Teach me to be more like you are.

Cry in the night.

2011-08-23T00:22:00.000-04:00

Well, it's happened yet again. I've let myself believe I could be happy until the end. I let myself begin to feel. Numbness buried by love. Brokenhearted, but beginning to heal. I laid it all on the line. Excited to be free until the end of time. My brain told me no, but my heart said it was okay. Once again, my heart has led me astray. This time though, I do not take on full responsibility. I am once again finding myself blaming God. I am slightly angry and wholly ruined. I had hope for the future. Hope of which I knew not about for the longest of time. I tore down my walls and exposed my heart. Only to have it torn out once again. My God, you said you would bring me happiness and joy. I trust you know what you are doing, though I do not understand. Maybe I will never understand. I finally started to believe I was no longer destined to be alone on this earth. But in an instance, that has disappeared. Why did I ever, for even a moment, allow myself to believe I didn't have to be like Paul? Why did I dream of wedding bells and a family? Why, oh God, did you allow me to succumb to such treachery? Restore me God to my ways of apathy. Make me stronger. Keep me from allowing myself to love again. I don't want to be fooled anymore. I guess, it is just going to be you and I. Let that be enough for me. God, I know you are enough, but I need to be reminded daily. Take my life and make it yours. Jehovah, keep me from myself. Abba, keep me from getting angry at you. I now realize that I must have misunderstood you someway. I thought you were building me up to be a caring husband and father. Maybe it is true that you have given me too much love to share with just a few, that I must share it with everyone I come in contact with. But why can I not do this with the love of my life by my side? I may never know, but I trust you. I trust in you to shower so much love over me that it will compensate for the love I don't receive from mere mortals. The only thing I have ever asked for was to be loved and be able to love. You have shown me this is possible, yet in a very hurtful manner. If I must disconnect from those around me in order to have the love from you, I will. Let me surrender my all unto the Joy of you, my God. I am sorry for the hurt I have brought to you in my anger. I pray that one day you will open up my eyes and help me understand, Lord Jesus.

Why did you adopt Lydia? To kill her?

2011-08-21T03:12:00.000-04:00

Investigative Report: Spare the Rod Spoil the Child? VIA Presstorm

The above is a news article published about the death of a 7 year old formispronouncing a word from the bible. Reading through this article I couldn't help but to have my blood boil. Red in the face and full of rage, I read on about these "Christian" "parents". No true Christian, and no true parent, would EVER succumb to such treachery. This was NOT something God wanted them to do. Jesus came to this earth to spread the message of LOVE, not murder. To beat a child to death with a piece of PVC pipe is not love. Nor is it love to punish a child, a 7 year old at that, for mispronouncing a word in the Bible! I just can't understand what would ever make a person think that any of this was okay. The "dad" is to receive a mere 22 years in prison? I think he should serve a year for everyone one this child was robbed of. The average life expectancy in America is 78 years. That's 71 years this child has been brutally beggared of. Give the sick man 71 minimum!

A quote from an article on the blog in which the parents based their parenting skills from, “MICHAEL PEARL LAUGHS AT CRITICS:”

It has come to may attention that a vocal few are decrying our sensible application of the Biblical rod in training up our children. I laugh at my caustic critics, for our properly spanked and trained children grow to maturity in great peace and love.Numbered in the millions, these kids become the models of self-control and discipline, highly educated and creative—entrepreneurs that pay the taxes your children will receive in entitlements. When your children finally find an honest mechanic or a trustworthy homebuilder, it will be one of ours.
When your children apply for a job it will be at a company our children founded. When they go to a doctor, it will be one of our Christian children that heals them with cutting edge innovation. When your adult kids go for therapy it will be one of our kids-become-psychologist that directs them to the couch and challenges them to release their self-loathing and embrace hope for a better tomorrow. When your children grow old and realize their mortality and seek to make peace with their Creator, it will be one of our children that shares with them the message of God’s love and forgiveness."

It seems to me, sir, that you have a horrible case of pride! I think you should get that into check. I won't go on with what I feel about you right now.
This all just sickens me. Sorry my entry was so poorly written. I can't seem to focus after learning of this. Thank you http://www.presstorm.com for sharing this unbelievable act of duplicity.