As if self-aware of… the enemy engages in tactical warfare, it uses sleep deprivation to combat my resilience, it will fail. On one of many fronts, malignant cells located in the sternum attempt to escape from their bony confines, expanding in whatever direction gives first. Untouched, their growth finds a way like a sprouting weed through pavement, digging, pushing, and eventually cracking through to the sunlight above. Ironic, like many aspects of this world, one must die for the other to survive. The battle in-between either side succeeding I can assure you is not one of comfort and relaxation.

The adult musculoskeletal system no longer adapts well to forced change. Growth plates long closed leave little room for expansion, swelling bones anger connecting cartilage, ligaments, tendons and muscles. The manubrium bulges, forcing the collar bone into the shoulder blade and the dominos continue to fall. Eventually the pain can be all encompassing. The pain so debilitating that it inspires action through fear. I must act because if don’t I am unsure if I will ever be able to perform that action ever again. So the cycle begins. Continuously forcing oneself to endure extreme pain as some of your lifes favorite, simplistic, little moments hang in the balance: Throwing a tennis ball half the distance I once could for two slack tongued, wiggling tailed behinds as they look up at me with wide eyed anticipation. Fighting off the agony of the invisible knife dug deep within my shoulder blade upon release, and when they dutifully complete their end of the bargain in the game of fetch I without question reward them once again by reaching back and proudly launching another joyful slobber ball wrought with pain sailing through the Boston common air;  Scooping a deep-sleeping bride off the couch, she nuzzles her head into the dip of my shoulder and I marvel, deeply satisfied at how her body molds perfectly to my own. Still half asleep she murmurs loving protests in a language that only dreams may bring, objecting to her ferried ride to the waiting warmth of a turned down bed, yet, I lie soothingly through a clenched jaw and gritted teeth that “the pain doesn’t affect me that way,” and continue to enjoy the moment meandering from one room to the next as slowly as my dwindling structural strength allows. I collapse into bed and start to read because I am exhausted to the point that sleep seems like something I once dreamt about.

The rules have changed… about two years ago, after some exciting published scientific documents and news reports on immunotherapies and their effectiveness against some cancers, I asked my oncologist how colorectal cancers were responding. Specifically, the conversation was about a class of immunotherapies called checkpoint inhibitors, among them were drugs from multiple pharmaceuticals companies but alli variants of Anti-PD-1 and/or Anti-PD-L1. He said something along the lines of  “while some Melanomas and Lung Cancers are responding extremely well, the response rate of colorectal cancers is marginal, around 5-8%. Although, those who are responding are doing so very well. Flash two years later to the current, after 4 years of aggressive cancer treatment and multiple chemotherapy regimens my cancer has grown to resist most standardizes treatments. At the time of diagnosis my cancer was your run of the mill unmutated colorectal adenocarcinoma. As of my last biopsy and genetic snapshot of one liver tumor it was determined that my cancer is now classified in an extremely rare subset of colorectal cancers known as Microsatellite Instability or MSI-H. MSI-H means the cancer is prone to rapid mutation of which I have four known mutation variances: K-ras, APC, EGFR, TP53. Historically, mutated colorectal cancers is a bad thing, they have been more difficult to treat. MSI-H allows the cancer to adapt and resist standard treatments faster and they are often far more aggressive. The MSI-H subset of colorectal cancers makes up about 15% of colorectal cancers and only half of that population for some reason or another ever enter into clinical trials, about 7.5-8%.  Well, remember that marginal response rate of 5-8% of colorectal patients to checkpoint inhibitors, guess what population they are from. There seems to be a very promising correlation between the patients responding and that rare subset of colorectal patients with MSI-H that I just so happen to be in! The data is so strong that some on-going clinical trials that are testing these potentially curative immunotherapy drugs known as checkpoint inhibitors are adding MSI-H cohorts (a group of people) to their studies to further the theory and hopefully bolster their data. In fact, they are creating entirely new clinical trials based on this premise alone!

So let me tell you something cancer, you piece of shit: Today the rules have changed. Today, we no longer fight to slow things down, we no longer try to stabilize or delay. Today, we fight to kill, we fight to win. Today, at 1:00 pm EST I start a clinical trial: A Phase 1b Study of MPDL3280A (an Engineered Anti-PDL1 Antibody) in Combination With Avastin (Bevacizumab), and I will tell you what. I know you’re scared, because as if self-aware of your own demise, like a rat backed into a corner you have been lashing out with everything you have left. I told you, you will fail. One must die for the other to survive, you’ve thrown your cards down on the table and it’s time for you to see mine.  You can rant, rave and scream all you want because after today I expect … Mostly silence.

I Love you All – Teej =P

p.s. as I said from the start #FUCKCANCER

Much Love – Teej

Health Update: Previous to last October I was on a treatment FOLFIRI Erbitux for about about a year. This cocktail of drugs was extremely successful at keeping the cancer in my body stable for that year. Erbitux (Cetuximab) is a targeted therapy that is specifically an EGFR(Epidermal Growth Factor) inhibitor. At the end of last summer I had increased symptoms of my cancer becoming active and scans showed that in fact the cancer in my body was growing resistant to the therapy I was on. At that time I was given a few options as to my next course of therapy, there was no easily accessible tumor for biopsy, so a biopsy if performed came at an elevated risk. With biopsy not being on the table this reduced my next therapy choice to best educated guess. I could return to FOLFOX, which is the standard frontline chemotherapy for colorectal cancers. FOLFOX was extremely effective for me the first time around, yet it comes with some pretty harsh neural side effects. I could choose an Immunotherapy clinical trial which at the time for colorectal cancers have not shown too promising, especially without knowing the genetic profile of my tumors through biopsy. Or I could choose a new clinical trial that was designed specifically for individuals in my situation who had recently grown resistance to EGFR treatment.  The clinical trial intended to use a drug called trametinib along with another EGFR inhibitor panitumumab to side step the resistance and hopefully kill/stabilize the cancer cells. Along with recommendation from my medical team I chose the targeted therapy clinical trial as it seemed the most practical and promising for my given situation.

After the first few cycles of the clinical trial it appeared it was working as my scan showed that some of my lung nodules had shrunk. However, I was experiencing some very difficult side effects mostly in the form of rash. My entire body was covered in acne like rash that was extremely itchy, when the rash would dry out, it would dry out so much that the area would crack and bleed. There were other areas that was similar to a sunburn that simply wouldn’t heal, just painful raw skin for weeks on end. After multiple dose reductions it appeared we may get the side effects under control and in early January I had another scan to see performance of the trial. The scan showed a complete reversal in response from my original scan and that the cancer was in fact active and possibly spreading. This news would normally seem catastrophic to most people but it actually presented an opportunity. The growth of the cancer in my liver was primary located in a tumor at the very front of my body. So for the first time since my original surgery we had the ability to take a biopsy of my cancer. Having a biopsy potentially opens the doors to more clinical trials and provides you with the ability to make better decisions on treatment paths. A few days following my scan I went in for a non-intrusive needle biopsy of my liver that was guided by CT scan. The biopsy was successful and they were sent out immediately for what is called a Tumor Snapshot on rush order, the genetic profile of my tumor was expected in less than a month.

Fast forward one month to last week when I met with my medical team to discuss the results of my biopsy and our next treatment path. The biopsy showed that my Tumor had three mutations APC, EGFR and TP53. It also presented that my tumors was what they call Miscrosatellite High, MSI or Microsatellite Instable. Lately, there has been some clinical evidence that the patients who have been responding to immunotherapy drugs are individuals with MSI tumors and so they are attempting to learn more on this through further clinical trials. This is great new as it means that I am eligible for more break through trials that could potentially have high impact, durable, possibly curable response. With that being said they are still trying to further the science and find more effective ways to achieve larger and more durable responses.  So knowing that I have the immunotherapies and other clinical trials in my back pocket I have elected along with the advice of my oncologist to return to FOLFOX treatment to see if it still effective (it kicked ass the first time) while they advance immunotherapies against colorectal cancers.

The best way to put it, this battle I am fighting is not a race to get the disease out of me (like it is with early and initial diagnosis of the disease) but rather a marathon to keep it stable while they advance the science and create more effective and possibly curative treatments. They are on the brink of scientific breakthrough and have made this breakthrough on some cancers. Therefore I will continue to trudge forward and endure through the pain, side effects and mental battle of this disease as long as I have to. As I said from the beginning, I will not stop until I have rid every last drop of this disease from body, I will reach the light at the end of this deep dark tunnel. The battle continues, FOLFOX Round 2 cycle 1 starts tomorrow.

p.s. I should have a pretty good indication of its effectiveness early on as a metastases inside my Manubrium (the bone at the top of the sternum) although, nonthreatening at the moment causes unbearable pain even with slight growth or activity. Pressure from the inside of the bone makes its sensitive to the touch as if in a constant state of breaking while it pushes on the collar bones and the rest of the rib cage and their ligaments also causing significant pain. This pain should basically dissipate as the chemo gets to work. (I’ve gone through this similarly twice before.)  Odd to say but I am looking forward to treatment.

However, for enlightenments sake I ask that you read the following with an open mind and accept everything that I say as fact until finished reading. Upon completion of reading this article the reader shall share said article with his / her network through social media with their honest opinion. By continuing to read you are accepting this agreement and actions requested are legal and binding. =-)

With that little tidbit out of the way I present to you the first of three principles on the Path to Everything or Nothing.

Delusions of Grandeur – Despite all of the ethical lessons your parents, teachers and society have taught you since you were child I am here to once again break down your foundation of thought and reveal the truth: Perhaps one of life’s biggest ironies is that a phrase society reserves for the mentally ill may actually be the correct way of thinking: The world really does revolve around you. Newton’s third law of physics doesn’t just hold true to the physical realm but carries over to the metaphysical universe. Make no mistake about it, everything you think, feel and act upon has a direct re-action to the world around you even if that re-action is nothing. Oftentimes NOTHING has greater impact on your world than something. For example, some thoughts that lead to nothing are “I am too old to do something different,” “I’m going to be alone forever,” “it is too difficult,” “I’m too weak,” “I’m too tired,” “I’m too stupid,” “I’m not qualified,” “I’m not going to ever get a job,” and “I’m going to die.” All of these thoughts whether true or false, can lead to acceptance, and acceptance will lead to placidity, and then what once was false now becomes truth. Your entire world is crashing because of inaction, because of doing NOTHING. “Of course!” you say, how can anyone be successful with such negative thinking. Wrong. To flip the script and follow “The Secret.” The world around you is driven by desire and everything you think and believe drives what you receive. “I am successful,” “I am healthy,” “I am in good shape,” “I am going to get a good job,” “I am qualified,” “I am going to live.” Think these thoughts and your wish becomes reality right? Wrong.  Again all of these thoughts whether true or false can lead to acceptance, and acceptance once again will lead to placidity, and then what once was false now…. can stay false? What does this mean?  It means the real issue at hand is not the thought in itself, it is the acceptance of the thought! The lack of an emotionally fueled response to that thought. The inability to act.

The problem with “The Secret” is that its driving factor is accepting and believing in a state of where you want to be. The thought:”I am healthy,” is acceptance and when you accept you become placid.  The real driving force to everything is the desire to CHANGE and therefore require action. The negative thought “I am unhealthy” and the positive thought “I am healthy” both trigger emotionally different responses but they ultimately lead to inaction unless the correct, positive, change oriented response is reached:  “I want to be healthier.”

 Parts two and three to be continued…

Update on my Health: Tomorrow I will be starting the 8th cycle of my FOLFIRI Erbitux Regiment. I changed chemotherapies at the beginning of the year due to the cancer cells in my body growing resistance to the past regiment of FOLFIRI Avastin. The cancer cells in my lungs, liver and a new bone metastases in my manubrium (the top center of your sternum) were beginning to reach 2 centimeters in growth and my CEA tumor marker was reaching 16 or so. Upon starting the new regiment the majority of growths halted and shrank back to millimeters in size and have decreased CEA levels around 2-3.0 (Normal.) My body responds to this chemotherapy much differently than previous, my mind is a lot more lucid allowing me to read and work earlier but, my stomach tends to turn quickly and explosively,  I also get a rash on my face, neck, body and arms that ranges in appearance and feel from acne and Chicken pox to an extreme sunburn. This makes my cycles every 21 days opposed to 14 to let the rash calm itself. The extra time is bittersweet as I am able to do a lot more in my off time however, the skin sensitivity makes it difficult to do as many outdoor activities when sunny out. Although I am somewhere around my 40th chemotherapy cycle I am still healthy as ever and continue to eat and exercise regularly. Treatment has turned from a sprint into a marathon as we continue to shrink and stabilize the disease as more effective treatments are developed.  As I have said from the beginning, I will keep moving forward toward the finish line until I have drained every last drop of this disease from my body. There should be a CT Scan in the next two weeks, I will keep you posted.

All of my Love

– Teej

p.s. Congrats to Shelia my Infusion nurse on being nominated to be one of “The 100.”

http://www.theonehundred.org/honorees/view/shelia-odonoghue-rn-ocn/

“Strange… how quickly comfort and happiness can slip so silently out the crack of your doorway as one sleeps. A world of peace, suddenly disturbed from its slumber by mental and physical torment of an ongoing battle that was pushed so effortlessly to the sidelines of the mind. Balance, equilibrium, are words that I once understood so well, words that I must fight desperately to understand again. If I can just maintain a center of gravity I must be able to stumble forward through this dizzying nightmare of poison, drugs and pain.

Treatment apparently acts as a catalyst to the writer blocked mind.  The fog of war creeps over every other aspect of my life. A polar shift must take place, as the warrior needs to rise from his slumber and the lover is sent back to hibernation. An awkward transition for myself and loved ones who are along for the ride. A normally warm, chatty, laughing individual is replaced by a stern, focused automaton with the mission being his only goal and writing the only release for trapped emotions.” – August 11, 2013 2:15 PM

My own mind is treated to a beautiful flowing transition of words that pain creates. Soliloquies simply streaming through my numbed finger tips and explode like a bomb of emotions onto the backlit screen. Amazing, how beautiful the human mind is and what color and vibrance can be brought from the deepest, darkest of depressions. Depression… a very odd, frustrating place, where one is in a constant state of losing an argument with ones own self. A place where sometimes you are guided by the smallest light, a figurative match head leading dragged feat up a never ending stair case of cavernous depths. A temptation of taking what seems the lesser pain to burn ones fingertips and snub out the light. To allow oneself to fall into darkness. To fall into peace?

Terrifying to read that isn’t it? What is more scary is how many of you just identified with that feeling? That at one point in your life, that logic actually seemed sound. That some of you are thinking right this second, “I would have already given up if I were him,” or “I want to give up.” When that quote was written I was five days into my first cycle of chemo and in a very losing battle to withdrawal symptoms of steroids. Steroids that were prescribed to go hand in hand with a drug to manage chemo side effects and make things “easier.”  At the time, I did not know the cause, I only “knew” two things: 1. I need this figurative transition to take place. Where a stronger more patient me suddenly sheds his cocoon. 2. If this metamorphosis doesn’t happen, I’m not going to make it to tomorrow, how will I make it through 6 months of treatment…

Yet, here I am. How? Why? I obviously made it to tomorrow. I don’t pretend to have all the answers but, I do know this. I have had 8 months of scattered breaks to treatment out of the past 27. Do you know what I remember? No, its not the feeling of a needle digging endlessly for a vein, or fatigue, or endless hours spent stuck to the bathroom floor. What I remember, what I see is my friends and family smiling ear to ear at my wedding as my bride twirls in front of me on the dance floor. Amanda’s eyes sparkling with excitement as the lights dim and actors take their places for a Las Vegas show to begin. Playing frisbee with my Dad as Oakley jumps and makes his very first of many amazing catches.  Talking about adventures in the latest book with my Mom, Grandmother or Sister. The cool breeze off a lake on a fall afternoon hike. Miley nestled in my lap as I get lost in another novel. So maybe there is your answer? That no matter what horrors you may experience, the beautiful memories will shine through. That my inner warrior came out and will take beating after beating after beating because it knows eventually there will be some moment, some spark of happiness and all the evil will be wiped away again. That smiles no matter how infrequent will always outweigh tears. That life if given the opportunity and patience will always provide the peace you were looking for.

All my love,

Teej

p.s. Depression is a scary place, what is most terrifying about it is that at your breaking point you are no longer scared. You are willing. The path to light for me has always been patience. Take one baby step forward at a time, maybe its one day or one week but, eventually you will look back and see how far you have traveled and the amazing, beautiful things you have accomplished and experienced. Look into a loved ones eyes, whether it be a friend, family, spouse, or even a pet and see how much you mean to them. Remember all the beautiful things you have experienced together and visualize all the things you want to experience. Pretend that they are going to happen, daydream about it, believe they will happen. They will.

Health Update: Last scan showed what I expected, the cancer is responding well to chemotherapy again. CEA was indicative of that at 4.2 and still falling. Tumors in my lungs and liver are all shrinking or stable. The largest is only a few millimeters. My oncologist says there is no threat and as of now we can treat this like a chronic illness forever as long as I respond to chemotherapy. The good thing is if I were to grow a resistance to any, there are plenty of other cocktails of chemo out there. Of course I don’t want to be on chemo forever as it has its own side effects. They are making major headway in genetics and immunotherapy drugs. There is a possibility of me partaking in a clinical trial early-mid next year involving some of these immunotherapy drugs. As of right now it is up in the air and I am of course weighing my options and researching heavily (opinions always welcome.) As for my mental health, I am doing great. I was able to restrict some of the drugs that caused withdrawal symptoms. Of course there are periods of time where I struggle to grasp onto positives but, I practice as I preach and remain patient and the sun always rises again.

The cancer in my lungs has activated, causing my feet to slip every so closely to the edge of the cliff. Threatening with all their might to throw me off balance, off of this peak, over the cliff and into the darkness deep below.  However, I have not fallen off of my peak into the depths just yet. My mental reserve is steadfast, my body is strong and I have an army with weapons at my disposal. FOLFIRI Avastin for a few months will keep these terrors at bay, and I will as always, keep trudging forward. The path to my goal may be longer than expected, but what an adventure it will be.

All My Love – Teej

Health: My CEA blood test yesterday rose from 2.5 to 4.8. That was pretty indicative that there was some Cancer activity in my body but, not much. So, going into today’s appointment I was not caught off guard. The CT scan showed the minuscule metastases in my lungs (2, 2-3 mm) have activated but not very significantly. This means I start FOLFIRI Avastin Chemotherapy again starting this coming tuesday to keep those little bastards at bay. There was no significant growth, increase or spread of the disease in my body which is great news, it’s just routine maintenance.  So back to the battlefield I go.

Human beings have an amazing ability to learn, they grasp eagerly onto information and process it into new behavior, thus adding another level to their behavioral structure. Parents, teachers, peers, doctors, bosses, advertisements, clever marketing and even societal norms continue to add level after level to this structure until eventually most lose sight of the ground. A new skyscraper of “what we think we should do” covers our innate ability to simply “know what we should do.” Well, I’m here to swing the figurative wrecking ball and bring you all back to ground level. To bring you back to basics and give you a glimpse at what I believe nature intended.

To provide that glimpse I am going to use the most advanced artistic tool I  have available (no, it’s not photoshop,) your imagination, however, I need your help.  To visualize this natural state we have to wipe all traces of our modern day society, no more technology, no more cars, cell phones, computers, television advertisements, not even newspapers. Let us take it even further down the rabbit hole, no houses,  no food markets, no farms, no pastures, not even a horse drawn carriage, how about we eliminate society altogether, the slate is clean…an empty canvas willing to accept it’s first splotches of paint. It is now you in your most simplistic state…  Alone, naked, standing at the edge of a vast lush green forest.

To one side there is a sweeping plain, shoulder height green grass with the tips of the blades burnt beige, as they have no protective shade. Your body is lean, quadriceps and calf muscles are heavily defined by shadow cast from their sweat covered, glistening bulge via the noon time sun.  The strong lower extremities are indicative that you are used traveling long distances and fast! A sturdy torso, muscular back and bulging biceps tell you that you are a willing climber. While protective calluses covering your feat and hands are evidence that you have done both many, many times over.

It’s hot, your mouth is dry and you know relief can come from a quick wade through the plains to the pond set at the middle. But one quick look at the tall grass and the hair raises on the back of your neck. Something is wrong, danger, predators may lurk below the thick grass, with no trees to escape in you will make easy prey. You also remember a past visit to the pond, the smell of a big rotting animal carcass turned your stomach and gave you a hesitant feeling drinking the water, additionally something bigger must of been their to kill it. Better stick to the long way around and you continue always moving, following the outskirts of the forest.

Along your path you may climb a tree from time to time to harvest fruits, pick berries or forage nuts off the forest floor. As you progress further through the forest you have gradually lowered in elevation, plants change, the ground becomes moist and you can harvest root vegetables you have become familiar with. Finally, after what feels like half a days walk you come upon a stream that feeds the pond in the plains. Cautiously checking your surroundings you lower yourself to all fours and dip your lips into the cool running water fed from the peaks up above and quench your ever growing thirst. Whipping your soaked head back in a scream of exhilaration, your hair cascades arcing droplets of water in every direction and startles the unseen duck pair from their nest across the stream. What presents itself is quite the fortunate find, 3 delicious white eggs unguarded and ready to be swiped. Happily collecting your bounty you prepare for one last objective before heading back to your camp, balancing your spear with learned expertise you wade into the shallow water intent on catching some fish or possibly the duck parents returning to defend their nests. Catching either would make an excellent dinner before the adventure begins again tomorrow…

The lights are on and we are back to reality. Of course I am not an expert in nutrition, or botany, or anthropology, or history or any subject at that matter but, I like to consider myself fairly well learned, pretty rational and have a very unique perspective on life. I was also granted this platform, by well, I guess you so I will not put it to waste.  The story was written with the intent of helping you understand a natural healthy human diet and lifestyle. In our most basic state we are always moving and exercising to reach a goal, whether that be to quench thirst, sate hunger, or protect ourselves. The overall objective has always been and will always be life. As for diet, the things we ate and that we should eat are the ones that are most opportunistic to us, naturally speaking the majority of our diets were made up of fruits, nuts, and vegetables. Then we ate what we were able to catch, usually shellfish, fish poultry, and small game animals. On occasion if we were able to bring down a larger hunted animal (i.e. red meat) it was obviously fortunate but not frequent. I’ll tell you one thing, you probably couldn’t walk up to the closest mountain goat or buffalo and attempt to milk it nor could you readily whip up some refined white flour to bake some bread.

So go out put some effort into having a healthy life(follow the list of better foods to eat from the bottom of my last blog.) You only live once, take the opportunity that was granted to you, you have no idea how fortunate you are to have it, take advantage of it and make it a long, healthy and happy one.

All my Love – Teej

Health Update: I have my first set of abdominal and chest CT scans tomorrow morning since my last treatment. I will know the results Friday around noon time. My last blood tests about 3 weeks ago were indicative of no increased cancer activity with a CEA of 2.5. I feel great, look great (probably the best shape I have ever been in in my lifetime) and been doing everything in my ability to be as healthy as possible. That includes Walking/Running the dogs 1-2 times daily and seeing a trainer 3 times a week. My diet is as I preach. No matter what, I will keep trudging forward until this disease has left me for good.

A fog slowly creeps over my brain as my nerves awaken, not to pleasure but pain. Smiles, Tears, Touching, Chewing, Taste, all things that can usually bring pleasure and relief to our bodies are instead razor blades to their source of origin. As I rub my finger tips through my hair, pet my dogs, or touch the hand of my beautiful bride… I no longer feel it, the sensation is gone, the nerves are dead, all that lasts is a very beautiful treasured memory, a memory I struggle to keep alive.

As poison continues to enter though an inch long needle stabbed through my chest into the port in my clavicle for 48 hours, the body panics, it reacts in desperate attempts to purge and replenish. Thick tainted saliva floods the mouth relentlessly for 120 hours straight with three possible destinations: lungs, stomach or spittle. Regardless of the destination it will cause immense displeasure, resulting in nausea,  unbearable heartburn, choking, coughing, taste change, insomnia, and eventually a few bouts of praying the the porcelain god, retching, physically drained and exhausted on the cold tile floor…  the list goes on.

The drugs administered to help regulate the worst of these side effects have side effects of their own, which needs further medication to regulate them amassing  a plethora of orange vials with white caps at my bedside. The bowels slow and food passing through turn to a texture similar to rigid glass. Glass that slowly cuts, scrapes and eventually tears through soft human flesh. Chemotherapy attacks rapidly dividing cells, unfortunately cancer isn’t the only thing that rapidly divides. So flesh once torn does not heal quickly and turns every trip to the bathroom into bloody agony… for 6 months.

Well, at least you can still enjoy eating right? wrong… The thick saliva makes the enjoyable and refreshing take on a putrid decomposing taste, even water no longer brings relief. Eating and drinking is out of desperation to maintain weight and energy. Instead of enjoyment, it is now a daunting task necessary to live. Yet after eating you know it will eventually end in either more glass tearing you apart or a fast moving fire that fills those cuts, scrapes and tears with stomach acid making your body truly understand the meaning of pain.

I could go on and on, write for pages and pages the turmoil that is cancer treatment. I didn’t even touch what recovering from surgery is like. But I think most of you will stop reading because it is to difficult to read. JUST THINK about that for a second. “To difficult to READ,” …   just imagine living it.

Now, to all of you who still smoke, drink excessively, eat unhealthfully, consume fat burning drugs or steroids to help with exercise or those who simply don’t exercise this is your wake up call. Guess what,  your headed in this direction. It’s time to make a change, for some, its too late and I’ll high five you as we pass in the infusion clinic.

I will tell you this, it is never too late to decide to live. It will simply be a lot easier mentally and physically if you make this decision now instead of waiting until your forced to, like me.

The time is now. Because the “It will not happen to me” attitude is bullshit, it WILL happen to you.

This is written with All of my love – Teej

p.s. I will write a blog on living /eating /exercising healthy to follow this up. For those of you who want a quick list:

Cut out processed and refined foods. (that’s pretty much everything in a box with an ingredient label on it, some exceptions.)

Eat more organic foods.

Eat more Fish, Poultry, Eggs and Eat less red meat.

STOP Drinking Sodas. Diet Soda is just as bad.

QUIT SMOKING. Do I have to write all of your names on here?

Drink Less Alchohol. If you want a drink to relax stick to healthier reds like Cabernet Sauvignon and Malbec. And I don’t mean the whole bottle.

Eat less sugar, artificial sweetners, and salt.

If eating bread, stick with whole grains. White bread = evil.

Eat less Dairy. If you are, try and stick with yogurts. If you need Milk try unsweetened almond milk, also pretty easy to make yourself. Again google is your friend.

Eat more organic vegetables and fruit. Try to avoid GMO (genetically modified organisms.) Whole foods has a great non gmo project where they are starting to label non gmo verified. Google it. Knowledge is power.

Exercise Daily, start of with at least walking and increase with vigor in time. If you don’t know how, hire a trainer. It’s expensive is not an excuse when it comes to your life.

Get at least 45 minutes of sunlight daily.

Meditate or Find a spiritual outlet.

“…the cancer is rinsed out of my body, into the water, and down the drain. The cancer is rinsed out of my lungs, out of my liver, out of my lymph-nodes, into the water and down the drain.” Eyes still closed, I turn to face away from the shower head as I rinse any remaining disease that may be lingering on my skin. I lift each foot in turn to cleanse the soles of my feet as well. I now fully imagine…. I am confident…. I believe the cancer is rinsed from my body, into the water, and down the drain. I open my eyes, pull the shower curtain back and turn to reach out for my towel. As my fingers touch the towel it drops suddenly from my hand as my eyes catch something in the bathtub with me near my feat… I jump-turn (and almost slip) at first defensively, startled in fright, blink twice to clear my eyes and make sure I am not seeing things and then watch as a thick, grey shadow swirls down the drain… The Cancer is Rinsed from My Body into the Water and Down the Drain.

… Then, as if part of my normal ritual I step out of the humidity of the hot shower, open the bathroom door and take a deep, replenishing, cool breath that tells me I am headed in the right direction… Life.

All my love – Teej

p.s. I have never been one to “see things” but, I have always believed in the human capacity to heal ones self and that my showers actually work. Some of you will try and rationalize to yourselves this experience, regardless I see it as another affirmation of what I will again accomplish, beating this disease. As always here is the latest update on my health from the medical experts.  The Chemo is working my friends, as of last Friday, March 15 most tumors have shrank by about 1/2. So the largest one in my lymphnodes which was 1.2 cm reduced to 6 mm. My lungs metasteses went from 5mm to 2mm. That sounds about the perfect size for my boot to stomp. My CEA tumor markers in my blood dropped from 6.1 to 2.8. Chemo continues for three  more cycles, 6-8 and then another scan. The winning battle continues.

]]> http://beatthechallenge.org/fighting-the-shadows/feed 12 http://beatthechallenge.org/a-wave-to-carry-you-safely-through http://beatthechallenge.org/a-wave-to-carry-you-safely-through#comments Tue, 12 Feb 2013 05:00:24 +0000 http://beatthechallenge.org/?p=5195 Belief… like a heated stone tossed into a cool, still pond. Warm nourishing ripples spread outwards from the soul and not only give strength to ones own physical being, but lap encouragingly against others as it spreads further from its source. The ripple is absorbed, reflected, returned and even sent on to others. As that gentle ripple meets another believing source, it is not only reflected, but amplified and the ripple grows stronger. Add another source, and another and what was once a tiny ripple has now turned into a powerful wave, a force so great that it can, that it will shape anything it touches.

“Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is” – Yoda

The quote may come from a movie, but the truth is hardly lacking. How amazing a child’s imagination can be that they may take a couple of couch cushions, a sheet, their favorite doll or teddy bear and create this immense magical world around them. Believing was never a question of what you could see, or touch, or feel… it was what your heart told you existed. Well, a friend of mine’s child believes that he will be out playing, laughing, growing up just like everyone else his age because that is what his heart tells him. Connor a beautiful boy of almost 2 years will be having surgery today to remove a tumor from his brain. Let us add our belief to his and make a roaring wave filled with love, prayers, and positive thoughts that will carry him safely and successfully through his challenge.

All my love – Teej

Post Surgery Update Tuesday 10pm

 “Can’t beging to express our gratitude for all the love and support we have gotten from you all over the past few days. The ‘tidal wave’ of good energy and prayer has truly carried us during this challenging period. Stage 1 is complete, as the racquet ball sized tumor was removed from Connor’s brain. He was awake this afternoon, and the first three words out of his mouth were: Mommy, Daddy….and of course Elmo. We will know more about next steps as the week progresses but this is a major step in the right direction! Again, we truly appreciate your continued support, positive vibes, and prayer. Thank you so much!” – John (Connor’s Dad)

What a familiar feeling? To look around and see your friend’s and family’s eyes filled with tears again. No, they are not tears of joy. They come from some place different, some place much, much darker, a place where you hide away and harbor your deepest fears, hoping, praying, wishing, that they will never have a chance to bloom and come to fruition. Oh God, where is that handle, that crutch, that torch I have used to stabilize myself before, I must grab hold before the ground gives way and I fall back again forever into darkness? How to be strong and resilient again. Wheres is that focus that I have so often preached, that inspirational badge that I have repeatedly heard and so undutifully earned. Which direction is up and which is down, I know what I will say and how I will say it, but I need to find that solid ground before I become a false prophet and lead these people I love so dearly forever astray.

Those tears, those eyes, my Mom, my Dad, their faces…. Oh god, please show me the direction, show me the light, help me…. help me make this stop!. .. Wait….That sound, the heavy breathing, a sniffle,  a whimper behind me and a small shaking hand reaches out searching for strength and warmth. Not her, please, I can’t look at her…. Do I  even have it? How can I offer it to her if it’s not there? I turn and look…

The pain, the fear in the those eyes, those beautiful brown eyes I have come to love so dearly. The hurt…. I WILL NOT LET THEM HURT. My strength, my resilience… I can feel it!  My confusion, my doubt, its fading…. it’s gone… I don’t care how much pain I have to endure, I WILL NOT LET THEM HURT YOU. Look at me!…See my eyes… Believe me, I will not let them hurt you! I will endure, I will beat this again and again and again, because I live for you. Because I love you.

…. your liver, your lymph-nodes, and a very small location in your chest.” – Terry

“Ok, let’s beat this thing again” – TJ

All of my Love – Teej

p.s. Tomorrow the battle begins again. I had my powerport placed back in my clavicle area yesterday and I am a little sore from it. I start a slightly different cocktail than my last chemotherapy called FOLFURI Avastin. Basically they are replacing the oxaliplatin with irenotecan, this should get rid of the really bad neuropathy I dealt with during my last 12 cycles of chemo although, it does come with a couple fun new side affects like hair loss, cramping and diarrhea. So if I cut short and run after my wedding vows, don’t take it personally, nature calls haha. Anyway, I apologize if this one was a tear jerker. I figured some of you may want to know how one reacts to news like this, my thought process behind it, and most importantly where I derive my strength from at the most difficult times. If I was a little too abstract, the answer is Amanda, and then of course my family and friends. I fight and I live for you, because there is no other option. Anyways, the real good news is we caught this recurrence early, we are gonna take the FOLFURI boot and slam it down on these little buggers and stamp em out. I don’t expect the side effects to be too bad for the wedding. So let’s get ready to party hardy. =-)

p.p.s. Body sculpting by my buddy Yovanny lol. Sorry Bud, guess we’re going to have to start from scratch again after I kick this things ass again.