Beautiful The Mess We Are...

New Home

2012-02-10T16:04:00.000-05:00

Just letting anyone that's interested know.. this blog is being dismantled and moving to a new home.It's just time for a change.. Thanks to all that have followed.. If interested .. FB my inbox and when it is ready, I'll send the new link.. It's been fun!

What the heck IS exactly the plan?

2012-02-02T14:14:00.007-05:00

... those were my EXACT thoughts as I went out walking today...as I looked up to see the beautiful patch of blue sky....my thoughts were...What EXACTLY is THE plan God?? Helloooo, are you there??

and the EXACT "thought" that popped into my head was.....

#`1. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

and no joke.. the next IMMEDIATE "thought" was this song... specifically these words...

#2 For YOU,...for YOU created my inmost being, YOU knit me together in my mothers womb.. I praise you O God...for I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know that full well...My frame,.... my frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book, before one of them came to be.
How precious are YOUR thoughts about me..O God... How vast is the sum of them!
If I were to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand!

This song literally makes me cry every time I hear it..and it's exactly what I needed to hear.

Today....after struggling with some thoughts about people,and relationships.. and what I'm doing, should be doing..going to do.. who I am.. who people think I should be....where things are headed.. or NOT...Complicated relationships.....

I started thinking about the last few years of changes.. struggles...loss.. grief... the unending grief.. over the loss of so many things...and how that all has led me to this time...

parents, loved ones.. friends...family...stability.. security.. job.. health...

broken and lost friendships...

this song and verse put things into perspective

People have their thoughts, their perceptions, their perspectives...They have their excuses and hurtful words...They have their insecurities...they have their beliefs they hide behind...People have issues they need to deal with....I can't help them with that..and quite honestly.. I don't want to anymore..

I can't be.. what people want me to be, or need me to be...I can only be ME.. who I was CREATED to be.

I have changed. I realize that.. but how could that NOT happen with everything that has taken place over the last couple years.

I don't know if it's all the life events.. all the losses.. the constant changes...

They've changed me...and in my mind... I've wondered if the changes have been for the better..Some have been, for that I am sure.

Seems some people don't think so..

but.. is it THEIR opinion that I should be worrying about?

What I DO know is..That even thru these changes ..God has a plan for me.. and is leading me in the direction HE wants....I am thankful for the hope I have in HIM...and the future He already know's about....

and in this season of quiet...He's growing me....He's strengthening me....He's healing me.

with or without friends.. with or without those relationships that I THOUGHT were important..

I kind of feel like I've been shedding off the old skin and growing a new one... and in that shedding.. just may be some friendships and relationships...

All my days.. ALL my days.. were ordained for me in HIS book.. before they came to be..

I don't have all the answers.. I don't know who will be standing by my side along this journey.. who may come and go....

I don't know how things will end up, ..but HE does.. and for me.. right NOW..that's all that matters....

*When God is all you have.. you have all you need

The Broken Chain

2012-01-26T11:05:00.008-05:00

So I have been sitting on this post. Mostly because I think I'm worrying about what I perceive other peoples perceptions are.. about where I'm at.. I realized this week though.. after losing another childhood friend..(she was only 43) that other peoples perceptions don't really matter...People don't know my heart.... or what has really transpired in this journey of grief...What matters is.. if this blurb on grief helps ONE person.. then it's worth it putting it out there...I know SO many people going thru the process and some, that have been continually having to go thru it, like me...if this helps someone realize they are normal in their grief process.. and that it's ok to go thru it..then this is worth it..regardless of other people's perceptions
..
*written 1/24

I have this chain.
My husband.. he bought it for me two years ago. He thought it was a great deal on some really nice "gold" jewelry. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was gold plated. I was so touched he even THOUGHT about jewelry....it was a BIG deal, if you know what I'm saying.
He gave it to me for Christmas 2 years ago. A week after my adopt. mom died.
A week after my world changed forever.
I put that "gold" chain on, that Christmas he gave it to me...and have never taken it off... except for once.. when I HAD to..to have a CT scan, and with shaking hands I took it off.. and almost had a stroke while doing it.
I had put my mom's wedding band on that chain.
As silly as it sounds, I couldn't stand to part with it.
It represents to me so many things.. My husbands love.. the love of my mom to my dad...and it's all I have left of her.
Fast forward to 8 months ago, May 2011.... after a very long, courageous battle, my adopt. dad died. I have added his ring to this "gold" chain. This chain that, tho really not "gold" is far more valuable then any amt. of real gold...
It was given with much love, and holds on it....LOVE.. .
This "gold" chain now holds both my parents wedding bands.
It's kind of funny..I have never been the superstitious type, and don't feel like I am now... but...I find myself sometimes when I'm nervous, or anxious or can't sleep... grabbing for that chain and those rings... and I just hold them. There's something comforting about just having them, touching them...just feeling their smoothness.. both of them together..they seem to calm me...the unending circles...
Lately, I've been thinking maybe it was time to take the chain, with these precious rings.. off.
Yup..you heard right.. for some reason...I just thought, maybe it's time...??

Tonight, while reading a book..(coincidentally about a woman who had been separated from her mom, when she was a child...and was searching for her)
I unconsciously had been holding the rings on the chain.. and next thing I know.. the chain was in my lap..the rings slipped down with the chain. The rings were in my lap..
The chain was broken.
I gasped.. Loudly..and cried out louder
and quite unexpectedly... the tears started...and panic set in.
Unrelenting...followed by the sobs...
of a broken heart..
My husband looked up...saw the tears.. saw the chain..saw those two round unending circles that held all the love a child could hold... those rings that meant so much to me...
I ran with my rings.. praying I had another chain.. sobbing.. that I couldn't NOT wear them...
and ....
The man who bought me this beautiful, fake, gold plated, worn out, cheap, chain....
followed me..
and wrapped his arms around me...as I sobbed... and he just held me.
I sobbed as I told him I knew it was dumb...that it shouldn't be that important, that I still have my parents wedding bands around my neck....... close to my heart...
I sobbed that I was sorry I broke his cheap chain...
and he just held me...and quietly said none of it was dumb.. and he just held me.
I told him that I didn't think that I was ready.. to let go of them..
He told me I shouldn't ever let go...
and that he would buy me a new chain..
a REAL chain.

This, unexpectedly, was one of those grief moments.. that ....just happen. All because of a broken chain.
A broken parent/child chain,
...One of those times that you have absolutely NO control over,
no control over the grief that envelopes you, so out of the blue..
But that's what grief is.. and does.. there's no rhyme or reason.All you can do is go through it.

I remember asking an older gentleman, who I had heard speak on grief, and loss.. after the death of his wife...if I would ever stop crying? I asked him if the tears would ever stop, if the void in my heart would ever heal. He looked at me and said.. " To NOT cry or grieve, would be like saying you were never blessed to have been able to love that person"
Wise words.. that I've never forgotten..

Grief.. it's part of a process...
Crying..does NOT mean you're weak, when going thru the grief process
It is strong, and sometimes overwhelming for people
It is a natural reaction to loss(es)
It's universal,It's personal
It can last for months,It can last for years
It has no timetable.It's necessary
It's ok to get help, if the grief is too overwhelming
Grief....Is healing.

** A chain is no stronger than its weakest link, and life is after all a chain. **

Pondering and Attacking

2012-01-09T16:12:00.004-05:00

I asked a friend of mine last week, what they thought I should do with my life. As most people know, it's been a very rough couple years for us..I've lost all my parents.. ( was adopted) and a few really good friends...with not much time to breath and recoup in between each of them..
Naturally being a caregiver, and having cared for several of them..and now having them all gone .. I find myself at a loss as to what to do next. So last week, when I asked my friend what I should do.. she challenged me to find something I love.. and attack it! I have been pondering this since then.....
Problem is... there are a FEW things I love..not just one or two.. and I would LOVE to do any of them as actual work, where you get paid. ( I need a job!!) What better thing could there be in life, then to get paid for what you love to do naturally? Works for me!
So the question is though...(at least for me) What is your passion? and is your passion enough to do as a job? make a little money? There is a difference between what you are good at, and what you are passionate about... I think??
So as I have been pondering...a lot has been going on in my mind and heart. This has been such a long, tough season, on so many levels... and now...
a kind of new beginnings of sorts..
Sometimes it's hard to know where to begin. I've had a few heart to hearts with God....praying that I could finally "rest" and be planted where I truly belong..and where and what the right fit would be for me and my life... I find that I'm not one to just have a job, because it's a job... I think because of where I am in my life..and all that's happened in my life.. I'm looking for a job using my natural gift (s)..I believe we all have them.. and I know that when I am working, just for works sake..and not using what I am naturally gifted at.. I am not so happy and satisfied in that job.
Does that make sense..?
Now I know there are those that would argue that you should just be thankful for any job.. and I agree.. BUT... ..... IF you could have a job.. using your naturally given gifts and talents.. WHY not?
So while I was pondering, and talking to God.. and telling Him what I thought would work for me..(lol) I came across this article about Passions vs.Hobbies... yup.. you read THAT right... hmmm..!:))
I found it interesting, for one, because I've been wishing I could take one of my passions, and earn money at it...two.. it's written by a photography psychologist.. (ya.. who'd a thunk??!) So yea.. the article is in reference to photography/photographers.. but.. it could apply to anyone! So I thought I'd share it for others to be encouraged by...for those of you out there that don't want to just settle...
( I couldn't find her name on the blog, but give the author all credit!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Passions are often confused with hobbies, but there is a critical difference. A hobby is “a pursuit outside one’s regular occupation engaged in especially for relaxation.”
Passions, on the other hand, are not relaxing. Passions don’t leave you alone. Passions insert themselves into your life whether you have time for them or not. Passions soothe you and drive you crazy at the same time.
We think of a passion as something we love, an overwhelming feeling of devotion and obsession. But in older English, ‘passion’ also meant ‘suffering‘. And even now, passions will exact a high price from us – but one we never seem to mind paying.

So the question of finding your passion is not discovering what you like, but what you would be willing to suffer for to keep doing.

Yes, hobbies can turn into passions, but a mere hobby won’t provide the drive and determination and fight necessary to do something for a living. A hobbyist photographer will love the click of the shutter and the magic of a great image. A passionate photographer will continue to pursue that magic despite bad days, early mornings, tough clients, expensive equipment, depleted savings, hours of editing, workflow minutiae, business headaches, and all other things that would stop a hobbyist in their tracks.

You know you’ve found your passion when you will continue to pursue it despite what it may cost you.

Passions are powerful, so you think they’d be easy to identify. They are not. We may live and breathe them, but we may give no thought to them the way we give no thought to the air around us. You can’t see a passion just like you can’t see wind – you have to search for what it moves you to do.
For a long time I thought that because I was a whiz at studying, school must be my passion. Psychology interested me, so I thought I should become a psychology professor. I was wrong on both counts.
Why didn’t I notice that I had to cram for exams sophomore year because I’d spent all semester documenting Yale with my camera rather than studying? Why didn’t I notice that I’d race home from my psychology internship in Germany and spend hours – HOURS – uploading my latest travel photos to a blog via dial-up connection? Why didn’t I notice that I’d write a research paper as quickly as humanly possible – then stay up into the night perfecting a blog post with excruciating care? Why wasn’t it obvious what I was and was not willing to endure sleep deprivation for?

But you don’t notice – you just DO.

And that’s the critical part. So, what do you spend hours doing? What are you willing to sacrifice time, money, sleep, and vacation for? What can’t you stay away from? That is your passion. If your work is not your passion, then your passion is what makes you late for work. It’s what makes you rush through everything so you can get back to your passion.

Passions grip you. You’re going to live them anyway, so you might as well do them for a living

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

........Whoa!! ok.....so finding that article...... NOW,..... while I'm pondering that very subject.. is NOT a coincidence.

I love when that happens..

So.. now what to do...

I don't know. but I know WHO knows..

So I shall just be still, and listen..wait... and keep working at, and attacking my passion...(or two)

and ponder....

Dear 2012

2011-12-30T16:14:00.002-05:00

Dear 2012,

2011 stunk, REALLY bad..

Ya.. I KNOW.. there were blessings in the mess of 2011.. but honestly... the YUCK of it, kinda out weighed the blessings this year.. and NO, I'm not being negative.. just honest... it was a heck of a year. .... on A LOT of levels!
So I have an idea.. lets CHANGE that 2012.. K? K.. You and Me.. 2012.. we're GONNA BE AWESOME!!!
so I have just ONE request of you.. please just be better then 2011. Period. That's all I ask.

Maybe you could be a little more gentler, more peaceful, more fun. Be a little kinder, maybe let life be a little sweeter, maybe just a little less traumatic and dramatic.
Maybe people could be a little more honest.. get along a little better?be a little less selfish.
More adventures would be nice. A job I TRULY love would be awesome. I have some thoughts and ideas on this.. we'll see how it plays out..
Oh.. and Please don't take anyone else that I love. I definitely need a break from that. Seeing and hanging out with people I love, more, would be the best.
Being in good health this year would be really awesome too.. Not usually the type to be sick... did I mention 2011 REALLY sucked? ya.. especially in THAT dept. ....anyway
More trips to the ocean would be at the top of my list. Can't help the need for it, or being drawn to it. I think it's in my DNA..
Kayaking is great.. but the ocean is just plain AWESOME. The smell, the sound of the seagulls.. the gentle lapping of the waves on the shore. Then next thing ya know.. Wild waves crashing the rocks! and THE SMELL.. Ahhhhhhhh.... I am SOOOoo miss- placed in this world.. *sigh*
More time to be me would be great.I'm really NOT the selfish type, but...Most of my life has been spent doing what others have wanted, or needed. Trying to make everyone happy..keep the peace kinda thing... Being caregiver for, and to everyone, but not myself...... Times are a' changin' 2012...No more mista nice guy....!!!
More time to read. More time to play with my camera. More time with music.. I guess more time to figure out who me is, now that everyone that shaped who I was, is gone..and THAT... is making me seriously consider who I really am.... never really had the opportunity to do that....
A funny thing about losing everyone....I am finding that I am realizing more.. who my authentic real self is...and I'm finding....that it's NOT who I grew up as....AND....it's ok... and I'm ok with who that person is..
Life changes.... so many this year... we need to cool off on that too 2012.. K? nuff with the changes for now.
.hmmm. THIS could be an interesting year.
I think I'm sounding like I'm in menopause or something..ya know.. the whole life change thing... but I have the official word I'm not. (WAY COOL! ) I'm just finally coming to understand some things about how this life REALLY works.... and it's definitely time to make some changes.
So anyway....To reconnect, and connect with people life has disconnected me from, is a priority too. Life has thrown so many curve balls...things I had no control over, I have control over now, as a grown adult. I'm hoping I can pursue some of that.
So 2012.. these are just a few of my thoughts on you. Do you think maybe.... maybe just a teeny weeny bit even... you could possibly work with me here? I would SOOOOooo very much appreciate it..... and it would be REALLY great if you could...
Let's move ahead and make this an awesome year! K?... K!

Here's hoping to a great year....withe much growth, good health and many blessings to all!

Falling of the wagon

2011-11-27T16:21:00.001-05:00

Yea, that's me.. haven't posted in a while... kinda fell off the wagon.. AGAIN.. lol.. but that's ok.. sometimes life throws us curve balls.. and throws us off.. We just need to regroup, brush the dust off, get up.. and get at it again! So here's hoping!
In my absence, lots has happened...I've been trying to heal from 6 months of physical illness(es) and also 6 months of grieving..My adoptive dad died...It's actually probably more like 10 yrs. of bottled up grief..from caring for both my parents ..a good friend,..and others that have passed on.. As I write this.. I have learned that my biological mom died.....So now they are ALL gone...it's such a strange, place to be in... with no parents.. no family...and by family,don't get me wrong.. I have my hubz and kids.. but the "roots" of family .. ya know.. it's all gone.....
It's like starting all over again.. At the advice of my husband...I've been learning to "just be still", It's not an easy thing to do.. but sometimes it's a much needed thing to do. Sometimes it's the things that don't make sense to do..that are the very things that end up making the most sense.
I have been busy..healing. I quit my job. At my husbands gentle encouraging, I did it.! That was a big stress-or..so quitting it eliminated a lot of stress. I needed to get the stressers under control..Sometimes it's just what you have to do!
I've dealt with some family issues that needed taking care of . Definitely not easy stuff, but I'm at peace knowing I have done my best, and what I could. That's all that's ever asked of us really.. To do our best..
I have been continuing with my photography. It's a healing hobby for me..I don't think I'll ever be professional.. but that doesn't matter.. it brings me joy and peace... and that's all that matters.Actually got to go on a Senior photo shoot. It was a blast! and I learned a lot! I need to work on my confidence...but that will come, with more opportunity's. I'm still working on my photography stuff, and took my next Unit test.. hardest unit yet, and I passed with an 85%! Not too shabby for this ol' lady.. :) I still have to mail in my photo's to be looked at.. and then move on to the next Unit. Hopefully I will choose my photo's to mail in,soon, and post them here..
With the Thanksgiving and Christmas season upon us, I've been finding it hard to "get into" the spirit of things..I know all the "right" reasons for the holidays.. but this year.. I'm just stepping back...I've lost a lot...and I think it's because I'm just so drained emotionally... and that's ok.. it's just a season....Season's come and go.. and in each one... we some how grow.

2011-09-21T16:19:00.001-04:00

Instead of my own monthly "For Today" segment, for Sept. I decided to share this article that I read.. from Dani..Only a few more days till the "official" start of fall.. so I thought this was a great way to kick off the fall season, with some great ideas on how to enjoy it!!

10 Tips for Enjoying Autumn

1. Decorate your home or room for the season. Nothing puts you in the mood for a season -- or for anything, really -- like decorating your home or room (or office!) for it. Break out some autumn-colored accessories, pick out some pumpkins, and make your living space festive!

2. Eat some and drink fall favorites. Cocoa. Cider. Pumpkin-spiced lattes. Pumpkin pie. Apples. Candy corn. There are so many delicious treats flavored with fall. One of the best ways to enjoy the season is to literally take a bite out of it. Dig into some autumn favorites to embrace the season!

3. Enjoy the crisp, fresh outdoor air. Don't let the chill in the air discourage you from heading outdoors. Autumn where I live is one of the best seasons -- not too hot, not yet freezing -- and I know that getting outdoors and enjoying the fresh air is one of the best ways to get the most out of the fall months.

4. Break out the cool-weather clothes. Admittedly, my favorite part of the fall season is the clothes. The boots! The jackets! The sweaters! Early fall is the brief period of time when I'm not sick of donning a jacket and boots and I plan to enjoy slipping into some new fall favorites this year.

5. Take part in a fall activity. Pumpkin carving, apple picking, stepping on crunchy leaves -- there are so many great activities that go hand-in-hand with the fall season. Depending on where you live, they might not all be realistic options, but almost everyone has the opportunity to step on a really crunchy leaf. Do it!

6. Spend a chilly afternoon outside with a book + a blanket. I actually did this yesterday (despite my boyfriend's comment that I wouldn't last too long in the chill air!) and it was lovely. A chai tea latte, The Night Circus, and Bella on the balcony made for a perfect fall afternoon.

7. Buy school supplies (even if you're not in school). I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a bit of a school-supply junkie. The amount of markers, notebooks, and pens I own is a bit absurd. That being said, nothing says fall like buying school supplies. Even if it's just a pen, pick up something fun!

8. Be present to the changes around you. Autumn is one of the best seasons for being present. So much is changing -- leaves, the air, the clothing people all around you are wearing -- and it's so important to stay in the moment through it all. Pay attention to -- and enjoy -- all of the autumnal changes around you.

9. Snuggle up to someone you love. Autumn is one of the best times for snuggling. Nothing says cozy like wool socks, sweaters, and a crackling fire. It's a perfect recipe for snuggling. Make the most of the season by staying warm with someone you love.

10. Get yourself excited about the winter holidays. Winter holidays might still be months away, but it doesn't mean you can't look forward to them (especially with all of the stores getting ready for them already!). Start thinking ahead to the holidays and think of ways to avoid holiday stress.

Everyone might not share my annual affection for autumn, but no matter what the season, it's important to enjoy the moment. Whether it's fall or spring or winter or summer where you are, remember to take time to enjoy the season your part of the world currently is celebrating. Seasons come and go -- they all come back around again -- but each and every one is worth paying attention to. Enjoy them while they last!

What are YOUR favorite ways to celebrate fall?
Feel free to share in the comments section!

Lemon Pickles

2011-08-26T13:03:00.001-04:00

So.. I gave my friend some seeds.. they were lemon cucumbers..I'd never heard of them before...but I thought she might enjoy checking them out... Take a look at what she did with them.. and they DO look like lemons!!!
She said I have to wait a couple weeks to try them... ;) So cool though........

www.simplylovinghome.blogspot.com/2011/08/lemon-cucumbers-dill-pickles.html

August: For Today

2011-08-23T18:13:00.000-04:00

For today...

Outside my window... The garden is overgrown, having loved this summer's weather,reminding me how I need to do better weeding.... and the air is cooling, almost fall-like.

I am thinking...about so many things... too many on the heart to write.. but knowing God knows the outcome already.

I am hearing... the news... and how big the earthquake was that we had today! We don't generally get them up here in the hills...It was scary.. the whole house was swaying... and I was nauseous... I am thankful not to have gone thru a "real" one..

I am thankful for...God's Grace everyday, a roof over my head, friends that love me, and my best friend ... my hubby

I am wearing...still in summer wear!! shorts and a tee!

I am remembering... each day is a gift, and thinking about my loved ones that have loved me, past and present

I am going...to be busy for the next week.!! My daughter is getting ready to go to Austria for 3 months!

I am reading... some great books from a friend!

I am hoping...to become a little more organized. (still!! )

I am thankful for... each day. It's a chance to start over. I'm thankful for grace...and forgiveness..and learning how to forgive. I am thankful to have been Loved

On my mind...some relationships that I wish would heal, grow... move forward..

Noticing that...life is speeding by! It's too short! Wish I had realized that when I was 20!

Around the house...It's quiet...the cat is snoozing, the dog is snoozing.. wish I was snoozing!!! =)

A favorite new quote: "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."~ Leo Buscaglia ~

One of my favorite things...my camera... it shows how and what... I really see....

Simply Perfect Pancakes: guaranteed to please | King Arthur Flour – Baking Banter

2011-08-14T10:09:00.002-04:00

Thought I'd share this article and recipe... For my family, pancakes have special place in our hearts.. ( and belly's) , as my mom would make them every Saturday morning for us... It became a tradition that we all looked forward to...and even my husband treasures the memory of those times , and it holds a special place in his heart.. It's one of those memories that we cling to, as it brings back a special time in life... The simple, sweet time in life... when all it took for us to know we were loved,... was a Saturday morning platter of pancakes..
This recipe intrigued me.. I didn't realize how important some of the ingredients were, or even how much weather conditions could affect a pancake... =) Or how much letting the batter sit, can affect the thickness... and never heard of using malted milk powder!

Click on the link below to check it out... Hope you enjoy it! I know I'll be trying it out!

Simply Perfect Pancakes: guaranteed to please | King Arthur Flour – Baking Banter

A day on the farm.....

2011-07-29T15:51:00.001-04:00

Got the chance to spend the day with a fellow photo geek... playing with different settings... just shootin' away...It was great being with someone who has the "bug"... =) Not everyone will see anything in these photos... but..it was a learning kind of day.. .playing with settings... and just shooting whatever caught my eye....My friends live on a kinda farm....and I say kinda.. cuz it's not huge.. but it IS farm like! Chickens, bunny's, fruit trees, and a beautiful garden...set up on a hill.. surrounded by SPACE...just fields...and wildlife...There's lots to catch your eye... so here's just a few things that caught mine... (THANKS AUDREY!! =D)

PLUMS!!!

Lots of corn

Farmer Pete in all his farmer glory... =D

A little over exposed, but my attempt at a rain drop.. it was hot.. they were drying faster than I could click.... =D

And the chickens... we can't forget the cute, little, unknowing chickens.. *sniff* but it IS a NH farm.... (what happens on the farm, STAYS on the farm... )

There's a home for everyone here.....

lots of veggies.....

Apples!! not quite ready for picking!

...A poor forlorn bug.. needing a little TLC!!

A NH potbelly stove.....

Farmer Pete... ready to go attack the Poison Ivy

TOBY!! He LOVES to play fetch!

He's such a handsome, good boy!

                     Kindness... something thats always found at
   this farm.. (well.. not sure the
                                     chickens would agree..but....=))

For Today

2011-06-29T07:25:00.000-04:00

For today...

Outside my window... The sky is slightly overcast, promising more rain showers, but my garden is loving it!!

I am thinking... about how much I am blessed!

I am hearing... the sound of the early morning risers leaving for work

I am thankful for...God's Grace everyday, a roof over my head, friends that love me, and my best friend ... my hubby

I am wearing...my jammies!! =D

I am remembering... each day is a gift, and thinking about my loved ones that have loved me, past and present

I am going...to do a LOT of running around today!

I am reading... my photography books!

I am hoping...to become a little more organized.

I am thankful for... each day. It's a chance to start over. I'm thankful for grace...and forgiveness..and learning how to forgive. I am thankful to have been Loved

On my mind... my kids, family..my friends. I miss them all.

Noticing that... silence isn't always golden.. sometimes we DO need the interactions, and relationships of others.

Around the house... it's so quiet. The older I get... seems there's more days that I miss the noise that used to be

A new favorite quote... Perhaps the real heart within us is not just a pump, perhaps the real heart within us is about love and faith.(JR)

One of my favorite things...music...sometimes it says the very things our hearts WISH we could say... It calms me, it makes me laugh, it makes me cry.. It makes me want to dance..It brings joy sometimes when nothing else can.

Photography

2011-06-24T14:06:00.000-04:00

So I started taking this online photography class , about a year ago... I started it then, but I kind of let it go to the side, basically as a result of just life getting in the way...and my own insecurity....or lack of confidence??
For some reason .. I feel sometimes that I'm afraid to succeed..
Is that possible? Am I afraid to continue, because I'm afraid to do well? I'm not sure....
With all that has gone on in my life the past few years.. I've let a lot of me slip away.
It's time I came back... All of me.
So I decided it was time to pick up my camera class, where I left off.. and try to push forward, move on.. and finish it..
I've decided it doesn't really matter if I finish well.. as long as I finish it... for myself.. I need to do this...
So, I've begun.
I jumped right in, and took my first test....
Let's just say I passed.. =) Next step is to send in my first unit project.. which is 3 pictures....using 3 different settings...that they decide
Here are the first three photos that I'm submitting:

#1
The picture had to be one using shutter speed to express a sense of motion or speed.. this is all I could come up with...

#2

The picture had to be shot using selective focus to make the picture stand out.. ( basically shallow DOF)
The log in the background, and the plants and flowers are blurred, while the Lady Slipper is at the forefront

# 3

The picture had show a feeling of distance.. ( basically DOF)
I thought I had taken something else.. but didn't, so I used this pic. not the best.. but it's something..

So now the pictures are mailed to the school, where professional photogs will access them, grade them, send them back, and tell me how I did.. I'm curious to see what they say.... Can't lie... I have a little trepidation too.. but..
It's fun.. The class itself is full of A LOT of technical info, so I find it overwhelming sometimes. Especially when you've figured out the basics, and try to jump ahead... =D
It's definately true ...You need to pick up your camera everyday and just shoot.. just take pictures, to keep things fresh, and to stay in the game...
One of the most important things I've learned so far is that it's NOT the camera that makes the photographs, it's the photographers eye that does... and you DON"T need a fancy-shmancy camera to be a great photographer..
Also.. it doesn't matter what kind of photo's others are taking. Don't worry about whether your pics look as good as someone elses, or have the same type of editing, etc. Do what you love, be true to yourself, and follow your dreams.. you'll get there!

Which way is the wind blowing?

2011-06-02T12:49:00.002-04:00

Ahhh, a nice windy day, after several stormy, humid days...I seem to not mind the overcast days once in a while, when it's been so oppressively humid...
Windy breezes bring cool air, and sometimes change... Kinda like in life...
Had a few pretty rough months lately... was sick, in the hospital...still sick.. my dad died.. now sick again.. Kinda stinks... I'm NEVER sick... seriously... so this is definitely NOT fun for me...not that sick is ever fun for anyone, but.. ya know.. And Death... I've definately had more than my share the past couple of years..
It does make me wonder whats going on..with my immune system, my stress level maybe.. my life....Funny how things seem to hit all at once sometimes, and maybe the reason for that IS to make you think...To slow down.. to stop and evaluate your life, or maybe to re-evaluate your life, your relationships...
Been thinking a lot...about the winds of change.. that have been blowing thru my life constantly, over the past few years...it gets tiring after a while...there's been so much loss, thru friendships, death, kids growing up.. job changes.. aging..
A friend of mine recently told me that abandonment and being orphaned are two of the most traumatic things a human can go thru..and in stress literature they are the most traumatic events talked about..hmmmm
Hence the being sick so much lately? Good chance it's the cause...
My changes have definitely been traumatic... and being human, .. I can't help but sometimes wonder why..why so many changes...I'm not a bad person. I try, and LOVE to help people..I want to be a good out there amidst all the bad.... So why? Why so much abandonment, and loss?
I don't know. I don't know what God's reasoning is, or why He has allowed it. Sometimes it makes me sad... Makes me wonder how God thinks.
No one....NO ONE should have to go thru so much trauma and loss.
Makes me wonder what the big picture is, and what His plan is for me..
So .. I guess I have two choices...
Wallo in my loss..
Or try to learn and grow from it..
Although my heart aches... so heavily some days for the loss of my parents, and so many loved ones...I can continue to trust that the God who's had His hand on me, since my day one, will continue to carry me, and be with me
and .....maybe... just maybe... I can be there for someone else when they suffer in the same way...
Winds are funny....they can do so much damage, harm and devestation... but ....
they kinda can clean up after a storm too...they can blow all the debris, dirt, and filth away..
I'm praying for more windy, breezy days...ones that will give way to beautiful, blue, sunny, calm, peaceful, love filled, joyful days.....

....when peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll..

whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say....

it is well, it is well with my soul......

Slump

2011-03-25T07:59:00.000-04:00

Ok,
So I'm in a slump.

I've been really getting into the photography thing.... and LOVING IT! but ... I also started looking at other peoples work... not good!

I decided this week to go back to square one. Start over. Begin again. UGHHHhh
It's my only option.
I got so caught up in what I thought my photo's should look like, because of other peoples work, that I found myself losing my own self and who I am in my pictures. WHY I love taking photos, WHAT I got from it, and WHY I take photos. I've gotten so caught up in HOW other people take their photos, and how they edit, ect... I've lost my way.
I've been taking this photography class online. I find, that tho it's REALLY informative, it is more so, on the technical side. I kinda jumped ahead and started doing my own thing...because I got bored with the technical- and then got frustrated...I guess it doesn't pay to jump ahead! I do miss not having a hands on learning experience. I'm thinking of taking a free basics class, just to help me figure out some of the stuff I feel I've missed....in all the technical stuff.
Stay tuned...
Goin back to my photography basics... and gonna stay true to me...and NOT what others think I should do, or be...

Say it isn't sooo!!! not more SNOW!

2011-02-27T09:55:00.000-05:00

Well,

Here it is 3 1/2 weeks till spring, and we're getting more snow. Yesterday we got about 6 inches.. today another possible 5 inches...Bleh! Will it never end!! The snow banks are so high, you can't see around them, the ice dams on the roofs are building..
Good news is...even with the snow.. there is hope. I noticed, while walking Jack, that the birds are coming back, and singing.... so I guess if they can sing, we can too..
Listening to them, with all the snow around, is a constant reminder to me that God takes care of even the birds...especially during the long winters..so why do we think that He's not hearing, and caring for us sometimes?
The snow is a perfect opportunity to try out my new lens. I got a macro lens...still trying to figure it out.. but having fun doing it...
so stayed tuned.. maybe next blog will be about the sunshine, and green grass!!! YAY!

For I Know The Plans I Have For You....

2011-02-04T21:35:00.000-05:00

So, I know I haven't been on here in a long time.. Lots of reasons...but mostly just been in a funk and don't have much to say.. kinda feel like the music has stopped playing..
So many lost loved ones, friendships, relationships, etc..Just not sure anymore of much.. Feeling like I'm just not sure what to do with my life...struggling with where I'm at...both in job, and where I live...Need to change both, but have no solution or answers to either. I feel like I should be going thru menopause or something.. but I'm not..
I find myself not wanting to share with people, where I'm really at, because I find that I just really don't want to hear " God has a plan".."It's in HIS timing" etc... I'm honestly really sick of hearing that....I don't understand all the "right" answers anymore...Ya know.. God only gives what we can handle.. blah blah blah... Don't get me wrong.. I believe God is still here.... to a point.. but I wonder sometimes if He's stopped listening...does He really hear our crys? does He really see our tears.??
I want to know why so much pain and suffering has to be... why HE allows it...Why HE doesn't understand that I honestly can't take much more of all that is going on..I need a break.. I need some relief from it all...I need the carefree laughs, the joy in life that used to be... So much has happened...*sigh* I wish something would just fall from the heavens and explain it all...and take it all away...
But I know that won't happen.
So I have to continue going back to the faith of a child....in all my grief, and hurt, and anguish...
I DO still see glimpses of God's love...I DO see glimpses of the beauty that is still out there...
I DO still hear that still small voice saying..."I know the plans I have for you"....and that's what gets me thru each day...

These things I know...

2011-01-06T10:28:00.001-05:00

These things I know for sure....

That before I was knit in my mother's womb...God knew me and had a perfect plan for my life

I know for sure that I am fearfully and wonderfully made...even when I don't feel wonderful and this human body is failing me

I know for sure that I am loved unconditionally, by a Father who sees my heart and knows my deepest joys,sorrows,fears,and desires.He smiles at my joys and collects all my tears..

I know that life is full of bumps in the road that we must go over or around on this journey of ours called Life...either way...His hand is always outstretched, ready to catch us if we fall

I know for sure that we all have a choice to truly see the joy and blessings in each day..

What do you know for sure and what are you choosing?

For Today

2010-10-24T19:46:00.003-04:00

I am stealing this idea from my friend.. hope she won't mind.. but I thought it was a great way to remind myself...( and maybe you =)) to be thankful for each day, and all that comes with it...
Each day is a gift.. we don't know what we'll get or find, but that's part of the challenge and surprise, and hopefully.. for the most part.. the joy of it.. Enjoy!! and maybe think about what you would put in place of my answers!!

For today...

Outside my window... the leaves are falling and the trees are looking beautiful still, even though they are becoming barren

I am thinking... about how much I need to do today

I am hearing... the sound of the rain falling on the roof, and my husband watching the football game

I am thankful for...God's Grace everyday, a roof over my head, friends that love me, and my best friend ... my hubby

I am wearing... a warm hoodie, and jeans

I am remembering... each day is a gift, and thinking about the holiday season of Thanksgiving coming up and how much I truly have to be thankful for every day.

I am going... out with the some friends to learn a new craft today

I am reading... too many books at once! Right now I'm reading "The Help", and "Choosing to See"

I am hoping... that my new business adventure and my photography take off! They are both so fun, and what I love to do

I am creating... a new way of life.

On my mind... my kids, family.. my mom. I miss her and my dad..I keep wondering how much more time he has.

Noticing that.. as I get older, I cherish memories, friends and family more and more.

Around the house... it's so quiet with out the kids here now, but the pets keep things lively!

One of my favorite things... listening to the sound of the ocean, and the waves as they roll and roar in to shore! What an awesome show of God's power! I so love the smell of the ocean, and the raw beauty of it!!

Beautiful the Mess We Are

2010-10-04T12:33:00.004-04:00

Walking thru the woods this morning with my trusty companion Jack, this song came on my ipod...I hear it all the time, but sometimes it just hits you in a way it didn't the last time...

Going thru all the processes of the last year.. the grief, heartache, sorrow.. confusion..joy...We forget in the midst of it sometimes that God is still there. Collecting our tears, sharing in our joys..and sorrows, while waiting patiently for us to fix our eyes on Him, and seek His help...
He wants us to talk to Him about our deepest griefs, our most joyful days..Even the days when we just can't even get out of bed..He's there, just waiting for us to talk to Him...We don't need to be in a special building, position, or with a specific group of people. He just wants us to be real..share our hearts honestly.
It doesn't matter where we're at, who we are, where we've been, what we've done..what our past looks like...

Don't know about you, but I'm thankful for the mess I am, and that He loves me for who I am, and sees me as beautiful anyways..

"Beautiful the mess we are, We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody... the honest cries of breaking hearts... are better than a hallelujiah!" .....

My Process of Letting Go...

2010-09-24T10:48:00.004-04:00

I spent an awesome few hours with a friend yesterday.. made some more sweet memories that I will hold close to my heart..a spontaneous kind of day, but sometimes those end up being the best kind of days... no expectations, just letting the time happen...
We talked and listened.. and... as usual.. I got home and layed awake thinking about all the things I probably should have said..and didn't...but maybe it's ok that I didn't...
We are both in different stages of processing grief and letting go..
For everyone the processes are different, and that's ok.. the whole grief experience is the same, but different for everyone...and there is no timetable for that process to be completed... if it ever really is..
For me, I think my process started years ago...but came to a head when my mom died, and continues with the process of grieving the loss of my friend..and all that went on during that time.
Losing loved ones brings so much "stuff" up.. it's not always just about them being physically gone... It's about the loss of what we wish we had shared with them, expectations of things we hoped that we would share with that loved one...a relationship we hoped that would form..things we wish we had said.. etc...love we hoped to receive..
For me,.... my family and I up and moved, left our jobs...schools..family, friends.. to take care of my parents...I had these hopes and dreams of having that mother/daughter relationship I never had..Hopes of healing and understanding a dad I never understood..The family connection that I so longed for.. I had pictures in my head of all the bonding things we would do...of things we would share, things we would say that we should have said years ago... but just didn't.. for whatever reason...
But it wasn't meant to be.. it didn't happen...
Nine months after we moved to care for them.. the Alzheimer's decline accelerated.. in both of them.....I had to place them in a nursing home so they would be safe and given the care I just couldn't give....
I never got to say things I needed to say. I didn't get that relationship I was so hoping for.. the love I so desperately had wanted..
I became really angry and bitter through the years of watching my parents decline..all that we gave up to care for them.. only to have them nine months..I was almost angry at them for getting sick...and having to be responsible for them...It was such a heavy load.I guess the anger was my reaction to the losses....I didn't understand why I would be given a family.. only to have it taken away.. AGAIN! ..and in such an awful way..... Why always being the "good" person, only seemed to bring me heartache...
Then my friend got cancer...
The walls of protecting myself went up even higher..I was done loving people.. it hurt too much.. opening up to love, and then have them leave me... I didn't want to do it anymore..It has happened too many times in my life
The anger and grief were flowing strong.. Why the heck did I have to keep losing people?? My whole life was about loss and losing people...
But a funny thing was happening during all this time and grief ..
I had found myself in quite a funk after my mom died..and knowing my friend was dying too didn't help..and added to it.
I began to think about my mom's life... and the things that she consciously had taught me, and things she didn't know she taught me.... I began to focus on the positive memories she left me and my family...the smiles shared, the love for my kids...the lessons of faith, she lived..
I thought about all the hurts, regrets...things longed for...
I realized that being angry, bitter, sad....wasn't really accomplishing anything.. I realized, for me.. part of the letting go process..for me to TRULY let go... I had to forgive her...my dad...and myself... I had to let go of all those things that were holding me back... all the painful memories...I HAD to let go of the pain..to move forward
The hurts...regrets...expectations...they were keeping me in the grief....because I couldn't let go of them....
I realized that my parents idea of love, wasn't necessarily the same as mine.. and I realized that THAT was ok.. They loved the best THEY knew how...and I had to accept that, and that just because it wasn't the same as how I thought it should be.. didn't mean it wasn't right, or that they didn't love me.. it was just different.
Forgiveness is such a freeing thing... It frees you in so many ways..To love.. to live...to laugh..
I've also realized that people are people. We're all different in our thoughts and ideas of what life and love look like....That life is life..we don't really have a say in it.. it just happens.. and it's not always what we want....but it's just how it is...and I have to choose how I'm going to deal with whatever comes my way...I'm choosing to let go...and move on...
I've learned that my idea of "family" isn't necessarily how it has to be....Through my journey of loss and grief... thru the lonely years growing up... God has placed people in my life that are more like family than my own family ever really was... I don't know why.. I don't really need to know why.. I just know that I am extremely thankful for each person that has come into my life.. spoken into it... loved me in it...accepted me for who I am, unconditionally.
Being adopted.. I know that "family" isn't always about the blood ties... it's really about the love, trust...laughter and tears shared with someone who unconditionally loves you.Someone you know that will always be there for you.. regardless of what you've done, or said...
God gives, and God takes away.. I don't understand that at all anymore...but I'm choosing to enjoy the time I have with everyone I love... Life is too short not to...and I'm going to cherish each moment.. and know that YES.. someday these loved ones will let me down sometimes, and that they may be gone someday too.. but I will not have any regrets... I'm going to love and give, and make someone smile...the best I can...and be ok knowing I've done my best...
Choosing to let go of pain and grief, and choosing love...is so freeing.
That is not to say I won't always remember my loved ones I've lost.. I hold them tight in my heart... I think of them everyday...I know there will be tough days, and that I will have moments of sadness...but I don't let the sadness and grief take me away and keep me from living anymore... I can't...
So ...I'm choosing to live..and remember the good memories, and not dwell on the bad ones.. it's what they would want me to do...It is what I need to do for myself and those that love me..I have made a choice to look at the grief and sorrow, and find the positives that came from the experience.. the growth, the blessings..If I hadn't gone thru what I've gone thru...I wouldn't have learned so much about forgiveness..the importance of the little things...the preciousness of friendships...and life. That I am strong...
I'm learning to open up and love... and let others love me...It's pretty much an awesome thing to do...You miss out on so much when you wall up and not let love and people in....and...
If you do find that someone or a friend to love.. that unconditional kinda love...grab onto it...hold it tight, cherish it.. and never let it go..don't be afraid of it!....it's so very precious!
Life is funny...but it's full of blessings if we just open our eyes every morning and choose to see them. Life is also full of hurts and pain... loss and grief.. but mingled in it all....there is joy in this journey of Life...it's just out there waiting for us to see it, grasp it...embrace it...and share it...

Punkin Time!

2010-09-16T20:06:00.003-04:00

The weather up north has finally slightly started to cool. The weatherman actually saw "ice crystals" up on Mt. Washington yesterday...and .with the school buses now on the road, it's beginning to feel like fall. Some of the trees are already starting to turn....Pumpkins and mums are now appearing at the farm stands, shops, and homes..
Part of me loves this time of year, the other part dreads it! It means cold weather is coming,and hunkering down for what seems like a longer and longer winter.....
But there's something about the smell of fall, the leaves crunching under your feet... the crisp air.. the pumpkin candles going in the house.....ahhhhh so nice..
Last year I guess there was a pumpkin shortage, but I managed to get a couple cans and try some new recipes.. This year,... the stores are out of pumpkin already, but I'm hoping to hit it right, and be able to pick some up soon...Got to have pumpkin in the fall!!
Here's a recipe someone gave me last year, that was actually pretty good.... The bottom crust is actually a box of pound cake...Try it out..see what you think! and Enjoy

PUMPKIN CHEESECAKE BARS

1 16 oz pk. pound cake mix
3 eggs
2 Tbsp. butter, melted
4 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
1 8 oz. pk cream cheese
1 14 oz. can sweetened condensed milk
1 16 oz can of pumpkin
1/2 teas. salt
1 cup chopped nuts

Heat oven to 350 deg. In large bowl, mix on low speed, cake mix, 1 egg, butter, and 2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice until crumbly. Press into bottom of 15x10 pan.( I used 9x13) In large bowl, beat cream cheese until fluffy. Gradually beat in condensed milk., then remaining 2 eggs, 2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice, and salt. Mix well and pour over crust. Sprinkle with nuts. Cook 30-35 min on 350.
Cool, chill- store in fridge.

Foot in mouth disease

2010-09-04T20:44:00.038-04:00

So I've decided I just need to keep my mouth shut.. I have a really bad case of foot in mouth disease...chronically, lately..I don't think it's curable...Can't seem to say the right thing to anybody.. and when I do.. it just never comes out right. I know what I want to say in my head....but go to say it... and *POOF*.. I turn into a complete babbling idiot.. It's almost funny at this point I think...
I know it stems from when I was a kid...I was EXTREMEly shy and introverted.. all the teachers loved me, I never talked. I stuttered when I got nervous...I stuttered around people that intimidated me, people that frightened me.. As an adult I had some social anxiety issues, due to some circumstances that just kind of happen sometimes. As a result... when I get nervous I almost hyperventilate...then say all the wrong things...cry, you NAME it... and it all just comes out wrong because I'm afraid the person I'm trying to talk to, will be angry, p.o'd, turned off..you name it..They won't understand what I'm really trying to say...etc.. Basically boils down to rejection and ... *sigh* Rejection is probably one of those life long issues that we all deal with in one shape or form.... mine just happens to be talking, and communicating verbally....UGGgghhhh!!! and when it's important!!!... Doesn't any of this stuff finally go away the older we get??... It's usually a case of something really important too.... something I really need someone that's important to me, to understand... Ughh..DANG IT!!....SOMEDAY, I won't look like a complete idiot... but for now.. I think I'll just keep my thoughts to myself and keep my mouth shut... and while I'm at it..
I think I'll wash my feet... =)

Changes and New Beginnings

2010-08-23T09:50:00.002-04:00

It's hard to believe that summer is almost over...

This has been one of those summers that seemed to take forever to get here, but then flew by without me knowing it was disappearing. I feel like I maybe slept through most of it, and suddenly awoke to find it almost over..
Lots of changes over the summer....changes come in all forms...and aren't always bad. For me this year it was a summer of goodbyes, loss, growth, and friendship.. I lost some wonderful friends and family... but gained an inner strength and courage I never knew I had... I gained the knowledge and realization of how much I was truly loved.. and that that love that was given to me, will never leave me. I carry it with me everyday I wake up, every time I give love to someone else....
If it's possible, I'm finding that life is much sweeter and precious.. I do love harder. I think I"ve learned to appreciate the people in my life more, now that I"ve lost so many... I've learned to forgive a little easier and quicker, and not hold onto the hurts....Isn't that what love is anyway?
Maybe that's where the growth has come in... Learning to let go .. and move on, love unconditionally... It's not easy to do.. but it's something we need to do to continue on and grow.. and to be able to love, and laugh.. and know joy.

The friendships..ahhhh ...Now that's been maybe the sweetest blessing of all... The friends that have been there through all the changes!! Without them, I don't know where I would be.
Change. It happens. I think it's what we do with all the changes that help define and determine our future....
My future's looking pretty blessed... how's yours looking? ...

Zucchini, Zucchini, Zucchini Chocolate Cake!

2010-08-12T09:57:00.001-04:00

I have a lot of summer squash and zucchini's this year. Some of them have grown too big, so on the advice from a good friend, I'm going to shred them and bag them for the freezer.. then I'll have some of my own zucchini over the winter!

Here's a recipe from a friend, that she SWEARS is wonderful! It's a great way to use your zucchini AND it has chocolate too!!:) Some people tweak it for their own tastes.. ( add choc. chips, no nuts.. less or more cinnamon.. a different oil, etc..) I haven't tried it yet, but plan on it soon...ENJOY.. and let me know what you think!!

Zucchini Chocolate Cake

Ingredients

2 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups white sugar
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
4 eggs
1 1/2 cups vegetable oil
3 cups grated zucchini
3/4 cup chopped walnuts

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour a 9x13 inch baking pan.
In a medium bowl, stir together the flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, salt and cinnamon. Add the eggs and oil, mix well. Fold in the nuts and zucchini until they are evenly distributed. Pour into the prepared pan.
Bake for 50 to 60 minutes in the preheated oven, until a knife inserted into the center comes out clean. Cool cake completely before frosting with your favorite frosting.