beautifully burning...

Two Girls and a Lake House...

2013-05-21T14:21:00.002-07:00

It's hard to believe that these past nine months are done and I'm now standing in front of three months of summer. I look back on the person I was nine months ago and I chuckle.
She had no idea what God was about to do in and through her.
She had no idea how much God was going to change her and reveal himself to her.

And as I look past these next three months and try to put myself at the end of them I hear those exact same things rolling through my mind.
God isn't done here.
In fact, He is just getting started.

At the beginning of the year-when all I wanted to do was move home, go to community college, and live on the same road as the rest of my family- a lady across the road from my parents passed away and her children put her house up for sale.
I had always adored this cute, yellow lake house and I specifically remember walking past it one day and saying, "God, I want that house. That's all I want. I thought I wanted to go to school, travel and serve you, but really all I want is to live right there in that house."
To which I heard God clearly speak and tell me, "I can give you that, but that's not where you will stop. I have much greater plans for you and that is not where you will stay."
So, obviously, I brushed that off and continued going to school.

Of course at that point, I had no idea what lay ahead of me in the next eight months.
I had no idea that in April I would go to a conference with my friend Liv and that we would both get a vision for us to become interns at my church, get a place together, work, and be active in ministry over the summer.
But that's exactly what happened.
So, as she and I stared at this huge and daunting vision for our summer we started to chip off little pieces.
See if an internship is possible, find a place for her to work, find a place to stay, figure out if we can afford this, figure out if this is rational....and the list goes on....
As things started to fall into place, the only thing that still felt unbearably daunting was finding a place to live. Apartments were incredibly expensive and most wouldn't do a three month lease. People within the church offered to lend an extra room, but we held tight to the vision that God had given us for living in a place of our own.

And then I remembered my conversation with God earlier in the year about the little, yellow lake house. He said "...that's not where you will stop." But, before that He said "I can give you that."
"I can give you that."
"I can give you that."
"I can give you that."

I don't know if you heard me when I said that apartments were expensive and way out of our budget, but I will say it again. Apartments were expensive and way out of our budget.
So the prospect of an entire, furnished house was basically a joke.

I prayed about it for a few days and it continued to rest at the forefront of my mind, so rather than praying about it, we started praying for it. For two weeks Liv and I prayed and fasted for the yellow, lake house. With about a week before we had to move, we decided it would probably be best if we called the owners to see if they would want to rent it, even though it was on the market for sale. And also to see if it was something we could fathomably afford.

So I called.
I never mentioned a price, but we talked for a while and she said she would get back to me. I expected it to take several days before she called back with a decision, but within a few hours I got a call back and we had the house....for half the price of what an apartment would have cost, might I add.
How God did that, I'm still trying to wrap my head around.

So here I am-
sitting in a beautiful, little lake house and waiting for Liv to move in this evening.
All I have is oatmeal, popcorn, tea and about 3,000 spices in my cupboards, but I somehow had enough to feed myself and guests last night. I leave the room when I find a spider because no one is here to kill it for me. I am overly protective of all the antique breakables and I have a mini-panic attack when my sisters daycare kids come storming through the house. I barricade myself in the bathroom when I hear a strange noise, because I'm convinced that a murderer has just broken in.
Honestly, I'm not sure how this is going to go. I'm in some new territory and I have no idea what this summer holds, but I do know that it hasn't even begun and God has poured out His blessing and favor upon us in an incredible way.
These next three months are going to be an adventure, for sure! But I'm pretty confidant in the man behind the wheel.

Now sit back and enjoy this view with me.....

Miracles, Signs, and Wonders...

2013-05-11T08:03:00.002-07:00

A few weeks ago my friend Liv and I got this great idea to go to a conference called Miracles, Signs, and Wonders.
You'd think that going into this conference I would be expecting huge, extravagant, miraculous things being performed by wild, Spirit-filled believers....but I wasn't. To be honest, I'm not sure what I was expecting.
Something a little more normal I suppose.
Something subdued and peaceful where everyone just loved Jesus and when they bumped into each other they'd be miraculously healed and pixie dust would sprinkle over them and they'd giggle and lift their hands in soft, quiet, meditative worship.

Okay, maybe not quite that extreme, but you get the picture....
And as I walked into the church on the first day and took my seat I slowly began to realize I was pretty far off base with my expectations.
I come from a fairly charismatic church, so I'm used to a pretty expressive worship. But then Kevin Dedmon came out and spoke about the power of laughing over desperate situations.
Laughing?
Yes, laughing.
I was oh-so-confused.

I watched as people were doubled over in laughter at seemingly nothing. "Amen!" "Come on!"and "WOAH!" were flying around the church every few seconds. People would stand, jump, scream, shake, fall....and the list goes on.
Needless to say, I was a little out of my comfort zone.

The first day came and went and I left quite a skeptic.
I knew the Spirit was powerful!
I knew He encountered people!
But this?
Making people act drunk and, for lack of a better and nicer term, CRAZY!?
Was that the Spirit? The same Spirit that was living in me on a daily basis???
I just wasn't so sold.

I'm pretty sure this was the point that God smirked and said, "Challenge accepted."

Day 2 came and Patricia King spoke an amazing message that brought no clarity whatsoever.
They moved into a time of worship and then they did an alter call for something or another. I watched as people flooded to alter and were slain in the spirit (for those of you that are like I was and don't know what that is...it means being toppled over and pinned to the ground under God's power).
This "being slain in the Spirit" was one of the things I questioned the most. I watched as people fell to the ground and I couldn't help but doubt.
They are doing it just for show.
They think that's what they're supposed to do.
It's all a mind game.

And as I sat in my chair and doubted what I was seeing I heard God give me a little challenge, "If it's all just a show and a mind game, then go down there and stand."
Challenge accepted.
We now had me challenging God and God challenging me...obviously, we all know who is going to win here.

I walked down the aisles and made it to the alter and I stood there.
Ha.
I'm standing.
I win.

Ha.

Boom.
Down I went.
Into a row of chairs.
And eventually onto the ground.
And, judging by the massive scuffs on my boots, apparently everywhere else.

People continuously came and prayed over me and I have never in my life felt such power coursing through me. My entire body felt like it had electricity running through it.
My mind ran in and out of visions and reality.
God spoke so deeply and clearly to my soul that I could hardly hold myself still.
Some incredible things happened as I laid there on that floor, slain under God's mighty power.

I tried to get up a few times, but to no avail.
So, I just laid there and let the Spirit wash over me.
Eventually, people stopped praying...and the alter got quiet except for the rolls of laughter coming from a lady laying on the ground beside me.
I tried to get up, but couldn't.
So, I just laid there some more.
....and then some more....
....and then a little more....

After almost two hours of laying on that floor I was finally able to sit up.
The church was pretty much empty.
People had all left for lunch.
Liv sat next to me on my left and this laughing lady was rolling around on my right.
She'd been belly laughing for two hours.
TWO. HOURS! Ummm...OW!
Nonetheless, her laugh was incredibly irresistible and contagious and before long we had joined in.

So, there the three of us sat.
One a stranger and the two of us blissfully bewildered at her laughter.
I'm sure it was quite a beautifully strange scene.

From that point on, God changed me.
That Spirit, the one that threw me on the floor and sent electricity through my veins for two hours, is the one that is living in me at this very moment. It is the same Spirit that is living in me as I check out at the grocery store or sit in class. It is the same Spirit that fills me during worship, even in this traditional and conservative environment.
That Spirit's power is in me on a daily basis and I have been given authority to use it to advance the Kingdom.

Woah.

Texas Sized Footprints...

2013-04-23T05:49:00.000-07:00

For spring break this year I journeyed to the wonderful state of Texas with my beautiful cousin Alesha.
My great aunt and uncle (basically my third set of grandparents) moved down there this last fall and it was time for me to make good on my promise to come visit them.

I wish I could describe to you how incredible they are.
I don't have enough time or space to do that, though.
So, take my word for it...they are incredible.
These last few years they have seen some rough times...some really rough times to be exact.
And yet, through it all they have praised God and allowed Him to be their rock and strength.
I can not even begin to tell you what incredible role models and mentors they are in my life!

You could say I was a little excited to go spend a week with them!

Leading up to Texas (and all throughout this year, really) I've been struggling with trusting in God's provision. It's not that I didn't trust Him per se ...but I just never felt fully provided for in this earthly realm. I felt like God's calling carried a bigger price tag than I was going to be able to come up with.
And I think that was kind of His point.

As a result of my skeptical trust, I rarely found myself giving freely of my money...if at all.
And for weeks before my trip I kept hearing God tell me to prepare myself for a lesson in His provision and giving.

Great! I am already feeling a huge financial burden, God! The last thing I need is for you to ask me to give all my money away to someone on this trip. Please just don't ask me to give away all my money. PLEASE.

So, I budgeted. And I use that term loosely...because it's really hard to budget when you don't really have any money to work with.
But, I budgeted anyways. And I set aside so much for gas and so much for meals....and so on.

Our first meal of the trip was payed for by my lovely mother who came down to Huntington to say farewell. Alesha and I left the tip and chalked it up to a nice start to our vacation.

And then we began the journey.
After twenty hours of driving, we hit a little speed bump and had to make an unforeseen pitstop at a hotel. That's not in the budget God! We can't afford this!
So, we found the cheapest motel we could find (note to self: saving money on a hotel is not always worth it) and we crashed...or at least we tried to. With the fighting out back, the dirty sheets, and the broken heater, it was all we could do to get a few hours of shut eye that night!
The next day we had a meal with a friend who lived nearby...once again, the tab was picked up and we were left with the tip.

And then we drove some more….and some more….and some more.Eventually, we made it! Safe and sound.

We went out for dinner…ironically enough, to Texas Roadhouse…in Texas. As we got ready to leave I went to pay for my meal, only to find my wonderful Papa had already payed. Our conversation went a little something like this.“Papa! No, please. I can get it!”“It’s already done, Lauren. You’re taken care of.”“Well at least let me leave the tip.”“Nope. It’s already done.”“Well, you’re not going to pay for things this the whole trip!”“Okay, maybe you can pay tomorrow…”“Okay.”
Silly me. So naive!

The next day we had the same conversation…and once again, he won. Day in and day out, he continued to pay for meals, tickets, gas…everything. From that first night to the moment we left I don’t think I payed for a single thing. Not. One. Single. Thing.

Of course, their financial provision was an incredible blessing…but it also revealed to me that lesson God had promised me. Through their generous giving God simply reminded me: I will provide. If He has called me to it, He has a plan to see it through.

And as I’m piling up a mountain of school debt, struggling to pay off the last of my car, and feeling called to take a trip this summer that my part-time job simply hasn’t given me enough money for I hear God saying the same words of my Papa,“It’s already done, Lauren. You’re taken care of.”

There He is, standing at the end of my life, knowing exactly how He is going to provide in this tiny, minute little situation. He’s already payed the whole bill, tip and all. No amount of “speed bumps” or pitstops are unforeseen to Him, nor do they throw Him off. He knows exactly how He is going to provide.

So, I’m going to praise Him for the provision He has already planned…whatever that may be!

Broken, but Rejoicing...

2013-03-16T20:46:00.001-07:00

Almost one year ago I walked into Loving Hearts Babies Home in Uganda, Africa. It was maybe my third or fourth day in the country and I had met my fair share of adorable and lovable babies, children, and orphans.
But, I will never forget walking into Loving Hearts and laying eyes on this little man, Jonathon. Something about those big, brown eyes hit me and screamed for me to come pick him up....which, of course, I DID!
I've never fallen so in love, so quickly. Every free moment of my time at the orphanage was spent rocking, feeding, and cuddling this precious little guy.
He couldn't talk, walk, or sit up by himself. He hardly ever smiled or expressed emotion.
And yet, he taught me so much about the orphaned heart, and, in turn, my own heart and the Father's love for His children.
For a little over two weeks I bonded with Jonathon.
I honestly can't think of words that would accurately express how in love I was with this boy.

And then...it was time to go.
Back to the states.
Back to "normal" life in which I didn't get to share the love of the Father with sweet, little orphans every day.

To be honest, it was hard....but not as hard as I thought it would be.
I said goodbye to all the little kiddos, saving Jonathon until the last.
I rocked him, snuggled him, kissed him.
And I whispered my love and the love of His Father in his ear.
Then I tucked a cute little teddy bear I had brought as a gift into his bed with him and I said goodbye.

The end.
...but, it wasn't.
Secretly, I had a continuation of this story already played out in my mind.

Me adopting him was out of the question because I'm single and not 25, and Uganda has pretty strict adoption laws, but trust me I thought of trying.
BUT, some incredible friends from my church were adopting, specifically a little boy from that very orphanage. They had yet to be matched with their boy, but I had already planned it all out in my head.
Jonathon was theirs.
He was the one they were going to be matched with.
I just knew it!

So, goodbye wasn't that hard.
It was more like a smirky, "see ya' later..."
...because I thought I had it all figured out.

But, let me tell you....I did not.

Since leaving I have continued to pray and have firmly believed that somehow Jonathon would be matched with this family and that I'd be able to watch him grow up in their loving, wonderful, and Christ-filled home.
I was positive that was God's plan.
In fact, just Thursday night, I sat and talked with a missionary who had just spent time in Africa and she shared about a little boy she grew so close to while she was there. Her story reminded me so much of Jonathon and I. But, unlike Jonathon, her little boy was reunited with his parents, so the likelihood of her seeing him again was slim.
I prayed that God would somehow work a miracle and unite this perfect family from my church with Jonathon.

But, God's ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts...and He had a different plan.

Friday, I was sitting in a class when I felt my phone go off.
Usually I don't check my phone during class, but for some reason I did...maybe out of boredom (it was a particularly dry day in perspectives on literature) or maybe, subconsciously I knew I needed to.

So, I peeked at my phone to find a picture message.
I couldn't see the picture, but I could see the message was from this beautiful momma of this "perfect" family for Jonathon, and the message read: So sad. I'm fighting tears. Do you follow ARM (the ministry that Loving Hearts is under) on Facebook?

My heart sunk.
Something had happened.
Something bad.

I wanted to look at the picture to see what it was, but I waited to get back to my room to open the message...just in case...

Please, Lord, just not Jonathon.

I walked into my room and skipped looking at the message all together.
I got on ARM's Facebook page, going straight to the source.

And there before my eyes, was exactly what I dreaded.

A week ago Jonathon had fallen and hit his head pretty hard.
The orphanage thought he was okay, but Thursday night around 10:00 o'clock, Jonathon passed away.

Just like that.
Gone.
From bumping his head.
His sweet, little, precious brown head....

Needless to say, I had a mini breakdown...(and by mini, I really mean full blown sob-fest.)
I was crying and praying and crying some more...

How could this be Your plan, God?
This wasn't the way things were supposed to happen!
From bumping his head? Really? Did anyone even take him to the doctor? Was he in pain and no one knew?
How is that even possible? If that happened in the states, he never would have died!
It something like that happened, there would be lawsuits of all kinds!
God, I was supposed to see him again!
He was supposed to be adopted into this perfect family!

And then, in the midst of my tears, I heard what words were coming out of my mouth.
"Lord, You are still sovereign. Even now, You are still holy."

Woah.
My own words hit me full force.
Yes, even now...even when I just want to scream and yell at God and question His plans...even now, no matter the circumstance, He is still so Holy and so incredibly Sovereign.

God has a much bigger plan in place here- one that is far greater than the one I had played out in my mind.
And now, just as I had asked, Jonathon is dancing in the presence of his perfect family...because there's really no more perfect family than the family of the Father.
So, even though my heart is broken, and my plans and dreams did not play out the way I hoped, I will rejoice in knowing that sweet little Jonathon has made it home to his Daddy and is no longer living as an orphan of this world.

God is Gold...literally. (Part II)

2013-03-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

Click here for Part I

WHOA.

That's the God I serve.

That's the God that loves ME!

My worship of Him is not so that I get tingly feelings, but to praise Him for His unimaginable holiness.
I don't come to Him to get things, feelings, or supernatural experiences.
I come to Him to get Him.

I don't come to him based on whether or not He is showing up in cool ways.

I come to Him to worship.

I come to Him to simply stand in awe of His presence.

He is Holy, Holy, Holy.

A Holy I can't even fathom or explain.

Duh, Lauren!

So, as I sat in reverence of God I just prayed to enter into His presence and worship.
No strings attached.
No expectations or limits.
Just worship.
Because He's WORTHY.

And after quite a while I put away my books and decided to go to bed.
I walked to the bathroom and took out my contacts and I got what I thought was a head rush.
Gold sparkles started falling all around me and I blinked several times to clear my vision thinking I was seeing things.

But the gold continued to fall.
I jumped back from the counter and started looking around the bathroom.
Gold sparkles were falling everywhere.

WHAT?! Who does that?! Who shows up in gold dust?!
God. That's who.

I stretched out my hands thinking some would land in my palms, but it just fell through.
So, I just stood there...completely unsure of what to do.
I honestly wish you could have seen this scene play out. I'm sure it was pretty entertaining!

And after maybe thirty seconds or so, the gold dust stopped falling and not a drop of it was left.
....and I just kept standing there....still totally unsure of what had just happened.
I walked out of the bathroom and had a conversation with my roommate that went something like this:

Me: "Clarissa..."
Clarissa: "Yea?"
Me: Uhmm...
Clarissa: "Yea?"
Me:..........................
Clarissa: "Lauren?"
I tried to come up with some words that didn't make me sound absolutely crazy, but nothing came to mind, so I just turned around and walked back into the bathroom.
Clarissa: "Okay. Nice chat!"

I was literally dumbstruck.
I had no words.
God just showed up as sparkly gold dust....
....after I had just told Him that I wanted to worship Him for who He was, not the things, feelings, or experiences that He could give me.
What would you say??

Moral of this story: God does what He wants, when He wants, and how He wants.
He is Holy, Holy, Holy and He deserves my absolute adoration every second of every day.

If you're looking to experience God's supernatural abilities, my best advice for you is this: STOP.
Stop looking for what God can do for you and start worshipping him- simply worshipping who He is, how holy and deserving and wonderful He is.
In the words of one of the incredible speakers at Urbana, David Platt, "We don't come to Jesus to get things, we come to Jesus to get Jesus."

God is Gold...literally. (Part I)

2013-03-06T16:57:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been on a journey of pursuing God in the supernatural.
The more I read the bible, the less I understand Him...and I LOVE it!
I want a God that I can't explain, define, or limit, and, for so long I have been able to do all of those things.

Like I said, I have been pursuing God in His realm instead of mine, but for the last few weeks I felt like I wasn't seeing much of Him.

I was also struggling with busyness.
School, work, and my social personality had taken me into a level of busyness that was distracting me from the King.
Yes, I lived my life for His glory and I adored Him with every breath I took, but I was failing to have intimate time with Him in prayer and in the Word.
I wasn't retreating and allowing Him to fill me because I had so many other things to do.

And then last weekend I was talking with Ruth Ann, an incredible woman of faith who is leading a small group for me and some other incredible women.
I was talking with her about wanting God to reveal Himself to me supernaturally. I didn't mention the fact that I had been struggling to spend intimate time with Him, but God gave her the perfect words to share with me.

"I think we'll start to see more of God in the supernatural when we start to develop an intimate relationship with Him that says, 'God, I know you can do whatever you want, whenever you want to, and however you'd like and I just want to meet with you however you choose to reveal yourself."

Sometimes He might not show up with fire from Heaven or big booming words, but I assure you that He shows up.
He wants daily, intimate communion with you and me, even though we are all completely unworthy.

Through Ruth Ann's words I realized that the two strongest desires in my spiritual walk, intimacy with God and revelation of His supernatural power, were connected.

So, last week I refocused my goal.
Rather than pursuing God's supernatural power and revelation, I pursued Him....just Him...however He chose to reveal himself.

I grabbed my bible and the book I'm reading, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and I intentionally sat down just to be intimate with God and to spend time with Him.
I've read the first few chapters of Crazy Love a million times, but I kept feeling God direct me back to chapter one.
So, I obeyed and the words of that chapter hit me with a fresh revelation.

Chapter one is focused on the fact that we can not and will not ever understand God.
We can not exaggerate Him.
We can not define Him.
He is beyond Holy.
Our words can't even describe Him because He is so Holy.

For the first time in my life I read Revelation four and it hit me.
That chapter in the bible describes the throne room of God.
If you need a good reality (or supernatural) check, here it is!

After this I looked, and behold, a door standing open in heaven! And the first voice, which I had heard speaking to me like a trumpet, said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.” At once I was in the Spirit, and behold, a throne stood in heaven, with one seated on the throne. And he who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian, and around the throne was a rainbow that had the appearance of an emerald. Around the throne were twenty-four thrones, and seated on the thrones were twenty-four elders, clothed in white garments, with golden crowns on their heads. From the throne came flashes of lightning, and rumblings and peals of thunder, and before the throne were burning seven torches of fire, which are the seven spirits of God,and before the throne there was as it were a sea of glass, like crystal.

And around the throne, on each side of the throne, are four living creatures, full of eyes in front and behind:the first living creature like a lion, the second living creature like an ox, the third living creature with the face of a man, and the fourth living creature like an eagle in flight.And the four living creatures,each of them with six wings, are full of eyes all around and within, and day and night they never cease to say,

“Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty,

who was and is and is to come!”

¹¹

to receive glory and honor and power,

for you created all things,

and by your will they existed and were created.”

And whenever the living creatures give glory and honor and thanks to him who is seated on the throne, who lives forever and ever,the twenty-four elders fall down before him who is seated on the throne and worship him who lives forever and ever. They cast their crowns before the throne, saying,

“Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power,

for you created all things,

and by your will they existed and were created.”

This blog entry is getting impossibly long...and I know how much everyone enjoys a good cliff hanger, so marinate on this verse and I will be back with more soon.

Trust me, this story is just getting good.

Just Let Me Speak...

2013-02-21T16:50:00.000-08:00

Whoa! It's been three weeks since I last updated this!
That is FAR TOO LONG to go without updating you on what God has been doing in my little ol' life...and believe me He has been doing some pretty incredible things!

There were so many more things that happened at Urbana and I just don't have enough space or time to write them all out. But, something incredible did come out of one of the many things that God laid on my heart during that conference.

After my encounter with the Holy Spirit (see previous posts for more on that story) I felt like God was continually putting it on my heart to speak. I didn't know how...or where...or when. But, I just had this constant feeling that He was going to be asking me to speak.

As I studied Acts I began to realize how many times it talks about people speaking boldly for Christ after being filled with the Holy Spirit and I continued to feel God laying that on my heart, "You will do that, too."
"Okay. Mhm. Whatever you say, God."

Maybe I shouldn't have been so sarcastic...

I was driving home several weeks ago to surprise my family. I love my two hour drives because it gives me uninterrupted time to just spend in God's presence. I was chatting with God about the upcoming conference being held at my church (Grace Christian Fellowship) and I was telling Him that I didn't think I would go this year.
I felt like it was going to be at a bad time.
It was more for a younger age demographic.
Eh, just not for me this year.

And when I got done telling God my plans, He let me in on His,
"You're going to go and you are going to speak in a revolving door session." (revolving door sessions are where four speakers each get seven minutes to speak before an air horn goes off and the next person comes up to speak.)

I chuckled and chalked that thought up to a miscommunication between God and I.
Surely that was just a passing thought.
Surely they had already planned out who their speakers were going to be since the conference was only a few weeks away.
Maybe God meant next year....

A few hours later I got online, only to find a message asking me to speak in a revolving door session for the upcoming conference.
Welp, I guess God knew what He was talking about after all!

So, obviously, I agreed.
And then I began preparing.

Little factoid about me: I love to write, and I've been told time and time again that I do well at it. I can write speeches that have you in tears or in stitches, or, on a good day, both. I say that not to boast, but just to give you some background in the fact that writing and delivering speeches has been a gifting of mine.

So, I began preparing.
I sat down to write out an incredibly well put together speech that would captivate the audience.
But, every time I went to put my pen to paper I was taken back to Acts and all the stories in which people were filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke boldly without any preparation or forethought.
This nagging feeling started to creep up into my heart, but I tried to brush it aside.

"God, I could do a really good job with this if You'd just let me prepare!"
"But, then who's power would you be relying on? Yours or Mine?"

Phooey.
This wasn't going as planned.
I sat down a few more times throughout the next few weeks, trying to plan out what I was going to say...but every time I did I heard God tell me simply, "Just let Me speak."

I wrestled with Him a little longer before finally relenting.
"God, I won't plan. You can speak. But, please...just give me words so I don't stand up there like a fool with nothing to say."

And that He did.

It came to the morning I was supposed to speak and I looked at my empty journal.
"God, I don't doubt you...BUT, I'm just going to jot a few thoughts down on this page in case I get up there and don't have anything to say."
So I wrote down a few notes and tried to piece together what I was going to say.
I was a little nervous to say the least.
Going into something like this unprepared was just not me...but I think that was the point.

Just before the revolving door session began, we worshipped to the song Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin.
Incredible song!
If you haven't heard it...you need to! Click here to enjoy it.

The lyrics started to resonate in my heart:
I know who goes before me.
I know who stands behind.
The God of angel armies is always by my side.
The one who reigns forever.
He is a friend of mine.
The God of angel armies is always by my side...

In that moment God flooded my mind with a vision of angels pouring down the walkway to the stage and then covering the stage with their light. To my left stood General God who looked at me and said, "I've already claimed this stage for you. You have all you need and nothing to fear."

Okay, God. Let's do this.
My turn came, and I took the mic with nothing in my head and a few words scratched out in my notebook.
I took the stage, sat my things down....and I silently shot God a prayer, "Okay. I'm ready for your words."
And I began to speak...and speak...and speak some more.
I'm pretty sure I could have gone on for hours.
At one point, I looked at my notebook to see if I was saying anything I had written down and it was simply gibberish.
So, I just kept moving my mouth and praying that God would keep talking.

I prayed.
And I left the stage.
And I couldn't believe God's goodness.

As I watched it back a few days later I couldn't help but think,
Man, that was good...but I could have said it better and more powerfully had I prepared.

And then God spoke to me through scripture.
1 Corinthians 2:1-5 says:

When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God's power.

So, I'm learning to lean on the power of the Spirit and not on my own gifts and abilities.
I think there will come a time in which God is going to use my gifts to enhance the work of the Spirit, but I've relied solely on myself for too long and it's time to be completely dependent on Him for a change.

So, I'm learning to get out of the way.
I'm learning to let Him work, speak, and do as He pleases...and, unfortunately, it's not always the most comfortable route.
But, I guess God never promised that dying to oneself would be easy or pain free.
He did, however, promise that it would be worth it.

So, each day I die to myself a little more.
And, let me tell you, it's a painful process.

But, it ends in a beautiful victory of a Spirit filled daughter of God.

The Holy Spirit and....me? (Part III)

2013-02-02T10:23:00.000-08:00

God had my attention.
I was His.

And I wanted more.
I wanted so much more!

As I sat there continuing to pray with this lady...(sorry for continually referring to her as "lady". I don't remember her name, but to make her more personal we can call her Janice.)
So, Janice and I are continuing to pray together when I start to see something.

Red...
Orange...
A fire, maybe?
It was getting closer...
Yep! Definitely a fire.

Almost as if on cue, Janice says, "Lauren do you see anything?"
"Fire. I see fire."
Even though our eyes were still closed in prayer, I could almost hear her smile as she said, "Yea! That's the Holy Spirit! Let's keep praying."

So we did.
We prayed.
And the fire came down.
It swept over my head and the burning came with it.
Every part of me was burning.
Janice's hand was on my shoulder and I think I mumbled something along the lines of, "Your hand! It's burning me!"
She laughed and moved it higher...but nothing could stop the burning. Every where her hand went the burning went.

It wasn't painful, but it was consuming.
It was cleansing.
It was renewing.
It was God like I'd never experienced Him before.

I could barely catch my breath as I clung to a little wooden cross that Janice had placed in my hands earlier.
My lungs could hardly keep up.
I could barely hold myself upright.
Tears were flowing and my nose was running. (Sidenote: at some point, I'm pretty sure I felt someone wipe my nose- Hey! I never said this Holy Spirit thing was pretty!)

My mind left me and my spirit began to speak for itself in a way that I had never heard before. Syllables spilled from my mouth in a language only God could understand.
And I wanted more.
Oh, how I wanted more!

I can't tell you how long I was there for.
Minutes?
Hours?
I truly have no clue.
There was no concept of the outside world.
In those moments it was just Janice, Me, and God.

At some point the visions of fire died down and I sat up in my chair and looked at Janice with a look of pure amazement plastered across my face.
She sat there smiling back at me, and said, "Well it looks like you're not doing this on your own anymore! You were just baptized in the Holy Spirit!"

I wasn't even entirely sure what that meant, but I smiled- that was about all I could do at this point.
A guy came over and sat and talked with me for a while about what it meant to be baptized in the Holy Spirit. He explained to me all the things that the Holy Spirit does, and then he said to me, "Do you know how to hear the voice of God?"
"Umm..well, I've practiced journaling His voice and, ummm...."
"No," he said, "that's good, but if you asked God a question right now would He answer you?"
"No, I guess not."
"Okay, I want you to close your eyes."
I shot him a skeptical glance, but did as he said.
"Now, I want you to ask God out loud what He thinks of you?"
I opened my eyes and looked him over with a questioning glare, but he just smiled and told me to do it.
Okay.
"God....what do you-" before the words even finished leaving my mouth an image of a rose came into my head and God began speaking so plainly through that single little flower. His words began flowing out of my mouth, bypassing my mind until my ears heard what I was saying. For several minutes God spoke and I sat there in awe of His power and love.
Then they explained to me what it meant to have a prophetic gift, and told me that God would be putting it into action.

And then they anointed me with oil.

Okay! So, to sum it all up we have...
Burning via an all consuming and imaginary fire: check!
Speaking in tongues: check!
Seeing prophetic visions: check!
Anointed with oil: check!
New revelation of God: check!

As I got up to leave the prayer room that day, I finally understood the words "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

Yea, this was definitely a new me.
And God wasn't done yet...

The Holy Spirit and....me? (Part II)

2013-01-19T08:31:00.000-08:00

Is it possible?
All these years, had I been worshipping myself instead of God?

Lets evaluate.

Did I kill myself trying to fit pieces of my life together?
Yes.
Did I think that the things I did or didn't do would determine God's love for me?
In my head, no....but my life reflected a clear yes.
Was I a victim of severe anxiety whenever I wasn't enough for a situation?
Yea....
Did I secretly pride myself on who I was, where I'd come from, and what I'd done?
Unfortunately, yes....
Did I try endlessly to solve problems in my life and other people's lives in order to receive the glory instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to work in the problems and solve them for God's glory?
Ugh...definitely guilty.

Drat.
This lady was on to something.

All of sudden the reality of this unrecognized sin I had been living in became all too clear and I doubled over in repentance before God.
How dare I.
All my life I'd been trying to make God look like me, when what I claimed to be doing was passionately seeking to look more like Him.

Tears came, my wind was gone, and all I could do was sit before God in absolute repentance.
God was so much more than I had ever even realized....or cared to realize, for that matter.
In that moment, and in these weeks that have followed, I realize how little I really know about God and how much I've made Him to look a lot like me.

One of the most sobering moments since that day at Urbana was when I was reading through Romans and came to Romans 9. I know it's a little long, but read it. Its good stuff!

15 For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion." 16 It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. 17 For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: "I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." 18Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden. 19 One of you will say to me: "Then why does God still blame us? For who resists his will?" 20 But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' " 21 Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? 22 What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath--prepared for destruction? 23 What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory--

This doesn't sound like the God I used to know.
What happened to, "God loves each of His children the same"?
Would God- sweet, loving, Daddy God- really create men and intentionally harden their hearts just so that he could display His wrath??

I would have just skimmed over this verse before, but now...now, I reread it. I study it. I can't get enough of it.
Finally, God doesn't fit in my box.
Finally, I can't answer a question about Him.
Finally, I can't speak for Him.
And finally, I'm letting Him speak for Himself.

And the answer I feel like He's sharing with me is definitely not the one I would have chosen.
I hear God say,
"Yes.
Yes, I could do that.
I'm God.
I'm perfect in all my ways.
I am Almighty and Sovereign
and what I choose to do is perfect.
I could create objects just to display my wrath,
and I can and will do as I please.
And while you're on this earth,
you will never understand my ways."

Box? What box?
This God is one that just blew the box to shreds and is preparing to reveal Himself to me in a new way.
And. I. Can't. Wait.

So, back to the prayer room at Urbana....
I now realized that all these years I had been my own god,
and that I knew nothing about who God really was.
I had repented and emptied myself before God.
And now that I had died to myself, I needed something else to fill me.

And fill me, He did.

Stay tuned! The cliff hanger continues...

The Holy Spirit and....me? (Part I)

2013-01-12T05:56:00.005-08:00

I believe in the Trinity.

Father.

Son.

Holy Ghost.

And, while I'm a big fan of two of the key players of that triangle, I've never known-or, for that matter, really cared to know- much about numero tres in that equation: the Holy Spirit.

I guess that just goes to show that God's plans are not always the ones that I would choose...

A little bit of background:
A few months ago I decided to go to this little conference called Urbana. If you haven't heard of it...look it up here.
17,000 college students and recent grads.
One week.
Break out sessions.
Multiple incredible speakers.
Worship in languages from around the world.
God.

It all adds up to an incredible experience.
But, I didn't know all this...and when I decided to go I was a little less than excited. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why I decided to...
I'm not a big fan of big conferences.
I had to pay quite a bit of money.
I had to leave the day after Christmas.
I just wasn't that excited, I guess.
But, again, that just goes to show that God's plans are not always the ones that I would choose.

After driving through an incredibly rough winter storm one night and driving for seven hours the next day, I was sick and even less thrilled to be there than I had been before. I was with six other INCREDIBLE women (see the picture at the bottom for an accurate display of their incredibleness), and we went that night to the first session where the M.C. offered the disclaimer, "You will not leave this conference unchanged. The person you came in as is not the person you'll be when you leave."

Excuse me while I laugh in disagreement and mockery...
Ha.

They were funny.
Apparently they didn't know my circumstances.
Did I want God to show up and do dramatic and incredible things in my life?
Yep!
But He had never done so in the past, so God and I were on a strictly stationary basis in which neither of us did anything wild and crazy.
I worked really hard to be a good person for Him.
And we just loved each other...a lot.
That's it.

But, by day two things started to change.
I felt like I needed to take the afternoon off and not go to any breakout sessions, but instead spend some time in the prayer room.
I spent some time in the worship prayer room by myself, just praying and working through a lot of struggles that I've been facing for...well....pretty much my whole life.
And then I felt Him pushing me to the intercessory prayer room to pray through these issues with someone.

God was starting to get a little wild and crazy and I wasn't too thrilled about it, but I decided that I should probably do as He said. He had yet to lead me down any dimly lit back alleys, so I figured I'd be safe.

I went into the prayer room and sat down with a wonderfully sweet lady who helped me pray through a lot of struggles.
When it came down to the end of things I said something along the lines of,
"I know God is gracious.
I know God is loving.
I know God is here.
But, that's the problem!
I know all these things in my head,
but that's where they stop.
I don't feel God's love, grace, and presence.
I will never reach what God wants me to be.
I could give up everything and move to Africa to save God's suffering
children,
and still I wouldn't be enough.
Nothing I do is ever going to be enough!"

This wonderfully patient and soft-spoken woman I had just unloaded on looked at me and said a few words that I will never, ever in my life forget,
"Lauren, I think maybe you need to repent of trying to be your own god."

Game changer.
Those few words struck a cord, and I felt the air leave my lungs as I marinated on what she had just said.

Stay tuned....this story is just getting good. :)

Today I Am Thankful...

2012-12-10T06:21:00.001-08:00

A few days ago I was pretty thirsty, but I didn't have any bottled water.
I'm not a fan of the taste of the water from the sink, so I grumbled a little and then made some tea.
I got my tea and sat down to work on some homework, when an image flashed in my mind. It looked a little something like this:

All of a sudden I began remembering the tiny little hands at Jireh Orphanage that filled up these yellow jugs of water for everyone in their "house" (I'm not entirely sure that I would consider their tiny little cement buildings a house, but they did, so we will call it that). The cistern that collects rain water had gone dry and this was all they had to get fresh water. Each jug took about forty five minutes to an hour to fill, and there were over 200 children that needed water to drink, bathe, and cook.

Since when did I become so spoiled that I can't even drink a glass of tap water?

And then...

Yesterday morning I was eating a piece of bread that had gone slightly stale, and in my typical picky way I made a look of disgust and got ready to throw it in the trash.

Just as the slice was about to meet its doom, another image flashed through my head.

I don't have a picture, but I can tell you the story and I think it will be just as good:

While still in Uganda last April, we had spent the entire day walking at Bethany Village. When we made it back to the mainland, we grabbed our sandwiches that we had packed and we devoured them.

In the bottom of the bag were two pieces of bread. We hadn't had enough meat for another sandwich so we had simply put mayonnaise and mustard on it, incase someone got really hungry.

The kids from the village played around us as we ate, but one little boy sat a few feet away just staring.

As we finished our meal, my friend got ready to throw things away and I grabbed the extra pieces of bread with mayonnaise and mustard and I motioned to the boy.

His eyes lit up and he came flying towards us.

He'd been waiting for a bite, and now all I had to offer him was two pieces of bread with no meat.

I kicked myself for not offering him my sandwich, but he didn't seem the least bit upset. In fact, he grabbed the bread, bowed his head, and ran off.

I thought he'd run off and scarf the bread down, but what I saw, instead, is something I will never forget.

The little boy ran over to his friends and starting dividing up the bread so that they could each have a piece.

They all jumped and giggled with joy and looked over at us, smiling and waving and thankful for a few pieces of bread.

Since when did I become so spoiled that I need to throw away a slightly stale piece of bread?

Today, I'm choosing to be thankful for the incredible blessings that have been laid in my lap. How can you not be thankful when you remember the tiny little faces like these that were thankful for so little:

Fear not.

2012-10-22T18:46:00.001-07:00

Fear...

Fright.
Panic.
Anxiety.
Worry.
Despair.
Unease.
Dread.
Nervousness.
Angst.
Dismay.
Apprehension.

Fear...

These last few months I've been struggling with something. I'm sure by now, I've made it pretty clear what that is: fear.

I have always been a fearful person. I worry about everything.

Literally. Everything.

What to say...

What to do...

What people think....

What I think...

If I'm doing too much...

If I'm not doing enough...

Am I in the right place?

Am I really following God?

I'm not enough...

I need to do more....

Is this what God wants?

And the list goes on.

And on.

And on....

I realize that not everyone believes in demons, the spiritual realm, and spiritual warfare.
However, I have seen these things play out in my life and the lives of those around me time and time again. The story I am going to share isn't meant to scare people or make them worry about Satan even more, and it definitely is not intended to bring glory to him. In fact, it is intended to do the exact opposite. Okay, enough with the disclaimer...here it is:

A few nights ago I was at a meeting in which we were discussing different religious views. I was fascinated by the discussion going on around me when, all of a sudden, I felt the presence of the devil in the room. I wanted so badly to see what was going on beyond the surface in the room, so I prayed and asked God to open my spiritual eyes.

All too quickly, I began to regret that prayer.

There, in the crowded basement, as I sat listening to the lecture and discussion, appeared a demon, nose-to-nose with me and staring me in the eyes.
I was paralyzed in fear.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to run outside and throw up.
I wanted to flee.
But, I could do nothing but sit there in absolute fear.

I prayed.
And I prayed.
And I prayed.
I begged God to overpower him...to drive him away....to do something!

But, he sat there, nose-to-nose, looking me in the eyes, and staring.

What did he want?
Why was he staring at me?
Why wasn't God driving him away?

I forced my brain to think about other things and I tried to wrestle the image out of my mind.
For the rest of the night, I focused intently to the discussion and I begged God to never let me see that again.

Darkness had fallen outside as we left the church that night. I climbed into the car, buckled my seatbelt, and began chatting with the other girls. We started discussing things that we were each passionate about and realized that a lot of our passions lined up with each others.

In the midst of our conversation, I closed my eyes, and there, again, was the same vision- a demon, nose-to-nose with me and staring straight into my eyes.
I snapped my eyes open, stricken, once again, by fear.

No one else had seen.
No one else knew.
The conversation continued...

I played it cool the rest of the ride and tried to delve into the incredible conversations being had.
But, by the time I got back to my dorm I was a nervous wreck.
Every time I closed my eyes I saw nothing but the eyes of that demon staring back at me.
I started pacing my room, praying and begging God for an explanation.

I may have eventually called my mom in tears....hey, don't judge me. :)

After I calmed down and really started listening to God speak, I realized that, as always, He had something powerful to say.

Fear in and of itself is sin.

It is not of God.

It is not part of God.

It is not ordained by God.

I started searching my bible for verses on fear, and verses like Isaiah 43:1-

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name: you are mine."

- and Isaiah 41:13-

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

-in which God cautions us against fear appear roughly 20 times throughout the bible.

The one and only thing we are to fear is God himself.

122 times the bible talks about the fear of God.

One hundred and twenty two times!

I think God was trying to get something across in those 122 verses.

(I literally went through and counted using my index and study bible, so there could be a margin of error in that. I googled it and came up with something like 365! Whatever the number, it's big. :) )

Satan has no power over us, except for the power we give him in fear.
That demon could do nothing to me.
He knew I wouldn't let him in, and he knew that he was no match for the One who was already living in me.
But, he also knew that he could scare me.
He could stare me down and distract me.
He could make me doubt.
He could make me worry.
He could make me question.

How many times do I let him do this on a daily basis?!
How many things do I fret and worry over?!

God says plainly (122 times!) that he is the only thing to fear!

I think I've been looking at fear all wrong.

Blameless, pure and honorable fear is not anxiety, doubt, and skepticism of circumstances and things.

One of the better descriptions of the fear of God comes from a sermon I read recently. To see the whole thing click here.

"When we truly fear the Lord, we will recognize that He is the Creator and we are the creatures. He is the Master and we are the servants. He is the Father and we are the children. This attitude will manifest itself in our having a respect for God, His word, and in our having a desire to do what He tells us to in His Bible. We can relate this kind of fear to that which a child has for his parents. If the right kind of fear is present, the child knows that his parents can hurt him if there is disobedience, but overriding that fear is the knowledge that disobedience hurts the parents and the child loves and respects his parents and does not want to hurt them. To put it simply, the fear of the Lord is a deep seated reverence for God that causes men to want to please Him at all costs."

Clearly, America has defined fear much differently than God has.

How much time do we waste in sinful fear and doubt?

How many things do we not do because we are fearful?

How much are we missing because we're too consumed by FEAR?

The devil delights in our fears and doubts because God's plans for our lives can not be fulfilled if we can not see past the skepticism of our current situation.

What would happen in our lives and in this world if we feared in the way that the bible teaches? What would we do if we feared nothing but the majesty of the King?

"For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

-2 Timothy 1:7

Lessons From a PT Cruiser

2012-09-10T08:22:00.003-07:00

Earlier this year in May, I developed a need.
I needed a car.
Bad.

I was driving my cute, little, green Saturn down the road, on my way to an appointment, when all of a sudden the car began to shake.
I thought I could drive it off.
Apparently, I thought wrong.

The car began to shake worse.
And worse.
And worse.

I pulled over.
It ended up getting towed.
The engine ended up being irreparable.
And I waved goodbye to three grand.

That was a story of forgiveness, trust, and patience, all in of itself.

Flash forward to July.
I was still car shopping... for the second time in less than seven months.
And at just the right moment, in the most unexpected way, I spotted this cute little, silver PT Cruiser for sale.

Long story short, God ended up providing in His wonderful, gracious, and miraculous way, and a few days later I was driving off in my new car, affectionately titled the "Freida-Cruiser", by my wonderfully hilarious brother-in-law.

And God began working out a lesson I will not soon forget.

As soon as I drove off the lot, I began to notice other PT Cruisers on the road.
I know it's common for people to see others with their same car, and I had experienced this a little with my Saturn.
So I brushed off my frequent PT Cruiser sightings as a freak coincidence.

But, it continued...

Literally, every where I went, I saw PT Cruisers.
EVERYWHERE.

I took a 20 minute drive a few weeks ago and I saw EIGHT.
Eight PT Cruisers.
In 20 minutes.
That's roughly one every two and a half minutes.

And in another drive, I was cruising through town, behind another silver PT Cruiser, when it turned to the right.
I looked to my left, and there was another silver PT Cruiser, turning to the left, perfectly in line with me and the other Cruiser.

I'm not really a believer in coincidences.
I think God speaks in the littlest things in life, but this?
This was just weird.

And the more I dug for meaning in it...the more crazy I thought I was.
Rather than be crazy, I thought I would just forget about it and close my eyes whenever another cruiser drove by...or something like that.

But, driving the other day, I was seeing my usual string of PT Cruisers, and God began to speak.

"No matter how many cars are similar,
none are the same.
None are the same as yours.
They may seem better.
They may be silver and similar,
but not one of them has that little dent in the back hatch from a cart rolling into it.
Not one of those cruisers has three mysterious scratches across the roof from its previous owner.
Not one of them has been cleaned out thoroughly three times in one week by it's new owner that cared so much about it.
Not one of those PT cruisers are the same."

And as I look around a college campus in which I feel like I am just one of the masses, God whispers those words to me,

"No matter how many of these people are similar,
not one of them is the same as you.
No, not even one is the same.
They may be similar.
They may seem better,
but not one of them are you.
Not one of them has your scars.
Not one of them has our relationship.
Not one of them has had me lovingly clean them out like I have with you, over, and over, and over again.
Not one of them is the same."

Oh, how good is my Savior and his encouraging words!
Who knew a PT Cruiser could mean so much?!

In My Daddy's Arms

2012-09-01T09:39:00.003-07:00

At this time last week I was packing up the last of my things and saying goodbye to my family, as I prepared for my drive to Huntington University.

I looked out the window to see the garage empty and realized my dad was checking over and cleaning out my car (because he is just an incredible dad like that :) ).

I was crying.

I was scared.

I was completely overwhelmed.

And God met me where I was.

As my earthly father wrapped me in his big, strong, safe, and loving arms and whispered all the things I needed to hear in that moment, I was overcome with love and couldn't will myself to let go.

And all of a sudden, God showed up. In that moment, I heard God's promises ringing in my ears, and I heard his soft and comforting voice say,
"It's my turn to hold you.
My arms are strong and safe.
And my plans for you are great.
Just like your earthly father has made sure your car is ready,
I have made sure that you are ready.
I have cleaned you out.
I have checked you over.
I have prepared you for this.
I will be all that you need, for I am more than enough!"

So I let go of my earthly dad, and fell into my Heavenly Father's arms, surrendering myself completely to Him.

This week has not been easy.

In fact, that's an understatement.

This week has been unbearable.

And, yet...

through crippling anxiety

through overwhelming doubt

through constant skepticism

through all of my unbelief...

God met me where I was and in my darkest moments his voice rings clear,

"I am Alpha,

Omega,

Jehovah,

King of Kings,

the Redeeming God,

and your loving Father...

and I am MORE than enough."

Tears, Fears, and New Beginnings.

2012-08-21T21:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight I've been doing a lot of crying. And I mean A LOT.
I've known I was leaving to go to college for months.
I've know that moving to another state, away from your family and friends usually brings about some sadness/tears/heartache...and all that sappy crap.
I've also known that I wouldn't be affected by this, because, well, I'm invincible, like superwoman or something...or so I thought...

Everyone (and I do literally mean everyone) warns you of how hard the first few weeks away from your family will be. They say the cliche things like, "At first it's tough, but it will get better. " or "We're just a phone call away if you need anything!"

Even with warnings from everyone and their mother, I remained confident in my Tin-Man emotions, thinking I would just say my goodbyes and that'd be the end of it.
Sure.
I'd call.
I'd Skype.
I'd come back every now and then to visit, but I would be so fulfilled by my new life that those things would just be for my few occasional bouts of homesickness.

Reality check.
I am sitting on my bed, surrounded by boxes of my stuff that I'm supposed to be moving with tomorrow.
I have yet to leave home.
I have been crying for two hours.
I am contemplating just not going.
I am already homesick.

Call me crazy, but it's just now dawning on me that I am leaving behind all that I have known for eighteen years.
Yea, I know...that's not that long...but when you're only eighteen years old, that's like an entire lifetime!
I will no longer be able to walk to my grandparent's or my aunt and uncle's houses whenever I feel like visiting.
I will no longer be able to drive around the corner and sleep at my sister's house, staying up until 3am, just talking.
(That's also because she is getting married in three days. Apparently, my family thinks it's fun to just bring on as much change as possible in one week. For those of us that are dealing with these unforeseen speed bumps called emotions.... (me)....it's not all that fun.)
I will no longer be able to go into town to the bank and run into eight people I know along the way.
I will no longer be able to celebrate each of my friends and family members birthdays with them.
I will no longer be able to ask my mom for a back rub when I'm sore.
I will no longer be coming home to home-cooked meals, that I too often took for granted.
I will no longer be able to curl up with my puppy at nights or on cold mornings.
And I will no longer be able to spend my days working with the goofiest ( and most love-able) kids on the planet.

But, at the same time...
I will be surrounded by a community of whole-hearted Christians.
I will be able to rely solely on God to be my provider for all my needs.
I will learn to stand on my own two feet.
I will be able to figure out my identity away from my family and friends, who have defined me for so long.
And I will no longer be known for my past achievements and failures, my last name, or my reputation.

I have a clean slate.

It's the end of life as I know it. And the beginning of a much greater chapter...