Beauty and the Robeast

Why You Got Zero Stars

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:54:00 +0000

To make a long story short, I paid for something and you didn't give it to me.

To make a long story TL;DR, here we go...

I own an LG Dare. I went through many thrilling adventures with Verizon to make the Dare a successful part of my pocket arsenal. It's got its quirks but I'm mostly satisified with the device. One of the features I particularly enjoy is the USB data cable which not only allows me to transfer files from the phone to my PC (and vice versa), but also serves as a recharging mechanism. Sounds pretty efficient if you ask me. My computer is on at work all day, so I never had an excuse for a drained phone battery, and the once I got the hang of the data transfers, I was packing the phone with music and photos. Realistically though, to have a multi-purpose tool means I'm multi-fucked if I lose it. Inevitably, I did.

Verizon sells replacement data cables for $20.00, which to me is completely obscene. They really should be giving these cables away to their customers. Without the cable, my phone battery dies, and Verizon won't be able make any money off my paperweight. It behooves them to make sure I have a full charge at all times, making it more likely that I'll make billable calls or texts. Maybe they think I'm so lazy that I'm more likely to buy a whole new phone rather than look for or replace my cable. Either way, they are doing it wrong, and I'm not going to kowtow to that.

My quest for sticking it to the man soon brought me to eBay, where I knew I could get a similar knock-off for a fraction of the price. It didn't take long before I found an auction item listed by thecellshop (aka TheCellShop.net). They had high ratings and are OK USA! They offered not only the USB data cable, but a whole bundle that also included a wall charger and a car charger. The photo was generic, but the listing was pretty specific: "Home+Car Charger+USB Data Cable for LG Dare VX9700 NEW." After shipping, it would come to less than $7. I knew I'd have to wait a little bit, but I was willing to be patient in order to undermine Verizon. I chose the "But it Now" option and paid immediately. That was August 18th. The item was prepared for shipping the next day.

A few days later I received confirmation that the item shipped. But what they described as my item was not the same as in the auction listing.

Dear Rollie,

This email has been sent to confirm that your order from TheCellShop.net has shipped!
Details of this order are as follows.

- Invoice # 7643323
- "Cell Phone Car Charger for Motorola RAZR2 V9 V9m V9x", "New Home Wall Charger for Motorola RAZR2 v9 v9m v9x Q9h", "NEW PC SYNC PC USB Data Cable for BlackBerry Curve 8900"

Your order has now left our warehouse and is on its way to you.

Also attached was a shipment tracking number which did not work. And somewhere along the line, my LG Dare turned into a Motorola RAZR and/or a BlackBerry Curve. I figured it was possible these items were all compatible, but since they didn't explain it explicitly, I needed to double check.

The DHL tracking number provided in the email does not work. Also, I want to make sure the correct item is being shipped here. The Ebay auction I won is:

Home+Car Charger+USB Data Cable for LG Dare VX9700 NEW - eBay390061843697

But in your shipping email, it says

"Cell Phone Car Charger for Motorola RAZR2 V9 V9m V9x", "New Home Wall Charger for Motorola RAZR2 v9 v9m v9x Q9h", "NEW PC SYNC PC USB Data Cable for BlackBerry Curve 8900"

Are these all compatible items, or is it a mistake?

I immediately received an auto-reply explaining that they would respond to my email within 1-2 days. The message also stressed how badly they would like to "EARN" a positive 5-star rating in their eBay feedback.

Sure enough, the next day I received a response.

The item that you ordered is the Home+Car Charger+USB Data Cable for LG Dare VX9700 NEW. Since your order is under $11 or weighs under a pound, there is no tracking number. Your item did ship though, and should arrive any day now.

I can deal with the tracking number policy (why send me a non-functional one then?), but they didn't exactly address my compatibility question. "Any day" soon arrived, confirming my suspicions.

The USB Data Cable included in the package works fine as a charger, but does not function as an actual USB Data Cable. The phone and the computer would normally auto detect when I connect the cable, but now I get a "Connection Failed" error. Is there something wrong with this cable, or are these not really meant for data?

I now had three ways to resuscitate my comatose phone, but still no way to transfer data. My needs only being halfway satisfied means my needs are not satisfied.

Three days later, a response.

I will reship one to you asap.

We want to earn your positive feedback with 5 stars on eBay. If you have any concerns let me know right away so I can take care of them before leaving any feedback.

While I appreciated the desire to correct their error at their expense, it probably wasn't the best time to remind me of the eBay feedback again. I held off my star clicking again, but at this point, the pressure was really on for cellphoneshop.

Almost two weeks later, another package arrived. It was the same cable. I had no choice but to resort to CAPS.

I received the new cable and it is the same exact problem. These cables charge but will NOT transfer any data via the USB input, making it useless to me. I looked up the part number and "MOVR 8 USB" refers to a product intended for a MOTOROLA phone. I DON'T HAVE A MOTOROLA--I have an LG phone. I questioned that in my original email to customer service and I was assured that the product arriving would be for an LG. IT'S NOT. Your ebay auction clearly listed "USB Data Cable for LG Dare VX9700 NEW" and that's why you got my money in the first place. Now it's been nearly a month and I still don't have everything that was advertised. Either your company is misrepresenting the products in its auctions or there has been a lot of miscommunication.

Last chance.

Maybe I shouldn't have offered them a last chance. Maybe there shouldn't have been a second or first chance either. Was this my own fault? Should I have just gone to Verizon in the first place? Was I being punished for trying to take the cheap way out? Was that month of waiting worth the savings of $14? Can any of these little stores be trusted? Does Verizon sabotage them so you have to eventually come crawling back? Maybe Verizon owns them and gets your money in every direction! [/conspiracytheory]

They wrote back:

I do apologize, We had a bad batch of cables that we received, We will reship you a good cable this time.

We want to earn your positive feedback with 5 stars on eBay. If you have any concerns let me know right away so I can take care of them before leaving any feedback.

This was over a month ago and I never received the cable. Whether it was good or bad, I guess I'll never know. NOW YOU'VE EARNED A FUCKING ZERO. IT REFLECTS MY NEW AND UNFORTUNATE LACK OF CONFIDENCE IN EBAY STORES LIKE YOURS. IT ALSO REFLECTS THE ZEROS IN 20.00, THE PRICE I'M NOW GOING TO HAVE TO PAY TO GET A CABLE THAT ACTUALLY WORKS. I HOPE YOU ENJOY MY MONEY AND MY ZEROS, SHITMOUTH!

Unfortunate update: eBay's policy is that after 60 days, you can no longer leave feedback on an item. After 45 days, you can no longer open a case with the eBay resolution center. This policy is fantastic when your seller doesn't string you along for two months. I had already resigned to the fact that I'd probably never get this cable, so I at least wanted to give them an piece of my mind, officially. Now it seems that's been robbed from me as well, so I'm going to go back to bitchy emails.

Ask Me What I Paid For This Shit Sandwich!

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:31:00 +0000

Subliminal advertising on the Pulaski Skyway:

Epic Celebrity Mash-up

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 17:23:00 +0000

I had a lot of problems yesterday putting images together for what I thought was a great blog idea (not revealing what it is just yet). Today I'm glad I decided to approach things differently and not be discouraged. Lo and behold, this came together magically in less than an hour. I considered a number of additions (the Ghostbusters logo?; Ray Lewis' uniform number?, Roger, Dudley, or Michael Moore? ) and had a couple internal debates (Louis or Lewis?; watermark?).Ultimately, I felt that simpler was better.

This is some slick shit if I do say so myself. Smirk.

Rollie Rounds the Family, Pocket Full of Shells

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 02:14:00 +0000

For all the years I failed to find my name on a kiddie license plate, this does not settle the score.

Blast Off

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:32:00 +0000

The only way this headline could be improved would be if it read:

"Colleagues Finger, Blast Billionaire."

Comet Shuki-Levy

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 17:57:00 +0000

Although I rarely turn on the television these days, I watched a shitpotload of TV as a kid. A lot of Nickelodeon (Mr. Wizard, You Can't Do That On Television, Dennis the Menace), PBS (Square One, 3-2-1 Contact), and anything on HBO (Hey, Beastmaster's On). Oh, and What's Happening!! reruns (with Rerun).

Of course there were a bunch of cartoons that I was infatuated with as well, and my favorites were the ones with the most awesome theme songs: M.A.S.K., He-Man, and Heathcliff. These mighty jingles were all composed by Shuki Levy. This dude did so many amazing cartoon theme songs that I will never forget, even for shows that I didn't watch: Pole Position, Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, Dinosaucers, Inspector Gadget, Mr. T, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. His contributions to television helped build the foundation for my obsession with music. I didn't really listen to much popular music as a kid (except Weird Al, of course), but I was constantly inundated with TV theme songs, commercial jingles, and wrestling entrance music. The challenge of these genres was that so many musical elements, hooks, and lyrical exposition would need to be introduced in just 30-60 seconds. Despite competing against children's attention spans, Levy was able to drill tunes into my head that I've never forgotten.

I've purchased many of the Television's Greatest Hits discs over the years, but none of the volumes feature any Levy-produced tracks.* For some reason, his cartoon music is not commercially available independent from the shows themselves. Fortunately, his website features many full theme songs available for free listening. While listening back to one of my favorites, Heathcliff and the Cadillac Cats, I realized that I never quite knew all the lyrics. While searching for them online today, I stumbled on someone else that had the same problem. And now I'm going to blatantly rip off SydLexia and compare my interpretation to the real lyrics:

Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one should
Terrify the neighborhood
But Heathcliff just won't be undone
Playing pranks on everyone

The first section is fine, and I think that's really all that matters. Most of Heathcliff's character has already been summed up correctly, minus the vandalism, fish eating and pussy slaying.

There's a race to be on top
The competition doesn't stop
Fixing with the ladies' fan
Me and Johnny never laugh

The last two lines were always muddy to me. Turns out it they are supposed to be "Mixing with the ladies' fair, being charming, debonair." I don't think English is the singer's first language. I didn't know what debonair was in 2nd grade anyway. Who's Johnny? I don't know, but I'm sure SydLexia would agree that it has something to do with a Short Circuit in our mid-80's brains.

The gang will raise a brick
And no one can deny-y-y-y
They make up history
And always have an out of time

I'm close here regarding the violent nature of cat gang wars, but not so much in the lyrics:

The gang will reign supreme
And no one can deny
They'll make some history
And always have an alibi

I can hear "alibi" pretty clearly now, but in 2nd grade the word just didn't exist to me. By the way, an "out of time" is an "out of sight time" for blind people that don't proofread.

Social in the jubilee
The cats are great, they'll all agree
Finding each calamity
The cats have fear E.O.F.D.

What the fuck is E.O.F.D.? I don't know. I always assumed they were trying to say D-O-G but knew that cats couldn't really spell. Equal Opportunity Fighters of Dogs is no Mobile Armored Strike Kommand, but it will do in a pinch. Turns out the real lyrics are just more feline master race propaganda:

So join in the jubilee
The cats are great, they'll all agree
You'll find in each calamity
The cat's superiority

The rest I've got right, proving that songs only need a solid beginning and end to be effective:

Heathcliff, Heathcliff no one should
Terrify the neighborhood
But Heathcliff just won't be undone
You should realize he could win it with you.

While listening to this song a thousand times today, I remembered being on the bus in grade school looking out the window innocently singing the melody to myself. Michael, an older kid that lived down the street, stopped me with disgust and said "Are you singing the Heathcliff song?!" I sort of looked up to Mike--he used to do fun things like set his GI Joe plane on fire and yell "Suck my cock!" at the bus driver. I quickly and shamefully denied singing the song. Had I not learned anything from Heathcliff, the most badass cartoon character of the 80? I should've raised a brick!

Twenty-three years later I can proudly say, yes, despite not knowing the words, I was, in fact, singing the Heathcliff song. Suck my cock!

PS - Here's the rare extended version of the M.A.S.K. theme song!

* - I'm wrong here. "Inspector Gadget" is on Volume 3.

Lady Gaga, Papa Rollie

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 02:33:00 +0000

I know I've been neglecting this blog in favor of videoblogging on my band blog (plowingmudforever.blogspot.com), but blog blog bloggedy blog. I've discovered that I still really enjoy editing audio and video, and still take a very long, obsessive time to do it. And on top of that, I use a shitty program that constantly crashes! (F. U., Windows Movie Crasher)

I took a little break from recording band crap and decided to practice my funnies on Lady Gaga instead. I sure cracked myself up, but I think some of the stuff I put together is too obscure/fast-paced/lame-0 for others to share in the chuckle. Whatever. YouTube is filled with shitmouths that think they're funny but aren't. I'll just be adding to the pile.

One Pill Makes You Larger...

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 13:20:00 +0000

Found these 'pills' while cleaning out someone's cubicle the other day. At least I didn't find cyanide capsules.

Xlerate Ur Deth

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 12:37:00 +0000

Electrical outlet under the Xlerator hand dryer. Seems like a bad idea to me.

Fully Tasteless

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 15:10:00 +0000

Hey, have you guys heard of Twitter? It's this crazy place where you type short bursts of thought when you're in the bathroom or waiting for someone to show up at the bar and then in return you get the attention of a thousand spam porn accounts. It's like Blogger, except the spam isn't in Japanese.

So I was on my Twitter today and noticed that @Buddyhead has been retweeting a lot of @Chunklet messages. Chunklet schwas an awesome music Zine that I first discovered above the toilet I shared with Ryan Stevens in 2005. They had a good mix of snarky comedy bits (How to properly Man-Hug), off-beat lists (Bands We'll Pay NOT To Play), and in-depth feature articles like the 8,000 page Don Caballero Tour Diary. It was well-written, played to my darker sense of humor, and passionately catered to my musical interests. Unfortunately, By the time I started reading the couple of issues that Ryan owned, the Chunklet publishing schedule has already been downgraded from "occasionally" to "if we ever get around to it."

Time went by and I never saw another issue. Eventually I stopped looking and forgot about it. Buddyhead, Matt Pinfield, and Twitter filling my music infotainment void now, but seeing that Chunklet has an active Twitter account was an exciting reminder to see what they are up to these days. I quickly typed in Chunklet.com and hit enter.

BLOCKED.
Tasteless? What on the website could possibly be so utterly tasteless that it would taint my output for the rest of this work day? And speaking of "website," "tasteless," "taint," and "output"... not even a Tubgirl webpage could ruin anyone's day or instantly make them an incompetent employee. Taste is clearly subjective. I can understand blocking a page if it's subject to viruses or other random badstuffs. Further evidence of an anti-Chunklet internet conspiracy is found on the Chunklet Wikipedia page, or what is left of it (sounds like a future Don Caballero song title). The page was deleted earlier this year without any explanation. Pritty shetty.

Oh well, I had to rely on conventional searches to learn that there was in fact a new issue of Chunklet published last year (#20), as well as a book put out by Chunklet editor Henry Owings along with Patton Oswalt called The Rock Bible. And the two Chunklet "Overrated Issues" were repackaged together. I wonder if I can buy any of this through the Chunklet website. Guess I'll find out after work.

Raiders of the Lost Wiki

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:18:00 +0000

Today I entered a Wikipedia contest to redesign the State Flag of Indiana.

I thought I did a damn good job, but it turned out that the contest was only in my imagination. Oh well. Paul Hadley is stealing all my credit!

The Wikipedia Police take their US & A purdy seriously, so my contributions were reverted immediately. You have to admit that my flag is way cooler than their old boring one. Indiana Jerks!

Welcome to Verizon/Canada

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 15:53:00 +0000

Today I learned some interesting things about Verizon's billing policy for US customers traveling to Canada. I didn't understand the policy before my recent trip to Montreal, and the Verizon website didn't help much. Searching on the web yielded more confusing and often conflicting anecdotal evidence, so I decided to learn by using the crappiest method of evidence collecting--do the damage then wait for the bill to arrive.

[Just so you know, my monthly plan is currently the NATIONWIDE BASIC 450. I also have unlimited nights and weekends, unlimited mobile-to-mobile calls, V Cast with unlimited data transfer, and a 250 text/picture/video message package.]

Interpreting my bill with the assistance of a Verizon billing rep (who wasn't completely sure about their policy either), I've gleaned this information:

In Canada, you are considered roaming.
Free unlimited nights and weekends does not apply while roaming. My calls were charged $.69 a minute, regardless of what time or day I placed them.
Free unlimited mobile-to-mobile does not apply while roaming. One of my calls was to another US Verizon mobile customer, and the other was to my own number for the purpose of checking voicemail messages. Fortunately, I only made those two quick calls.
Free unlimited data transfer does not apply while roaming. You can argue until you're blue in the face that it's the World Wide Web, but according to Verizon, it's just the National Wide Web. In Canada, it will cost you $.002 per KB, which can add up quickly when you're looking up maps and menus on the go. I racked up almost $15 in 5 days. Not terrible, but in other countries such as Israel, India, and the Dominican Republic, the rate is 10 times as high.

So far everything has been pretty straightforward--"No" across the board. The peculiar exception to the rule is text messaging. I assured the Verizon representative that I sent quite a few text messages while in Canada, but neither of us could not find any charges associated with them. She assumed that they simply had not been assessed yet, as there can often be delays with roaming network charges. Since the trip was over a month ago, she acknowledged that it may be something else, and dug deeper. After being on hold for a few minutes, she told me this:

In Canada, a text message sent to a US customer by another US customer is still considered "domestic" and is only subject to "domestic" rates.

How bizarre, how bizarre. This was good news, of course, but isn't it sort of borderline hypocritical? Why shouldn't I be able to domestically abuse my Voice and Data features like I can with SMS? What is the explanation for this inconsistency? Did someone just spill coffee on the coverage map in Verizon's Text Messaging Department?

(Does Pulitzer give a Prize for awesome blog graphics?)

I'm sure there's a technical reason for this practice, but wouldn't it behooVe 'rizon to just go one way or the other for all services in order to clear up confusion with their customers?

What do I know, eh?

2009 VMA ZAZZ

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 14:01:00 +0000

I clearly reneged on the promise of an MTV VMA Live Blogcast Extravaganza last night. The RoBeastress and I were too busy playing Tetris Party on the Wii. Yes, I have priorities in my life.

Eventually I turned on the show just in time to catch the Kanye West debacle. The sentiment seems to be pretty unanimous on the internets--he is a completely tacky and classless douchebag. His backhanded tribute to Beyonce was about as heartfelt as the shots David Hinckley fired off for Jodie Foster. I don't really care for Taylor Swift's teenybopper music, but I sincerely felt horrible for her last night. Had she not been an innocent seventeen year old, she may have played it off more casually, but seeing her completely paralyzed with confusion and disappointment made me even more angry at that narcissistic hack.

I know this is supposed to be the hippest pop culture event of the year where "OMG ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN" (and after translating Kanye's blog response to incident, I think he tried to invoke that excuse) but timing and context is something that has to be taken into consideration before pulling shit like this.

I recall that back in '94 when one of the Beastie Boys stormed the stage, it wasn't such a horrible thing. The difference was:

Adam Yauch went up in costume as his alter-ego Nathanial Hörnblowér, which was visually funny.
He was directly connected to the award category in question (and "Sabotage" was truly an awesome video).
His obviously tongue-in-cheek protest probably didn't hurt R.E.M.'s feelings.

As far as I remember, that was the first time anyone had ever done that, and its irreverence was worth a chuckle back in the "alternative" days. Kanye's interruption did not pay tribute to that moment. It didn't reference it or build on its humor, and it certainly didn't one-up it. Kanye's bomb had no zazz, so he was well deserving of the chorus of boos. Dude just doesn't understand Time and Place.

Remember when Tim Commerford from Rage Against the Machine drunkenly climbed up on stage to heckle Limp Bizkit? I was a Rage fan back in the day, and I certainly hated Fred Durst, but the whole moment was just awkward and uncomfortable. It was the furthest thing from funny, and when he was thrown out and arrested, he deserved it--especially because it made Durst look like the classy one. If Kanye would've climbed a catwalk dressed as the Phantom of the Opera during Lady Gaga's performance, maybe I would have given him some credit. The truth is, Adam Yauch's disruptive blitz was quick and lo-fi, but still maximized its effectiveness. It would be difficult for anyone to top it with such efficiency. That's not a challenge, just a request for attention whores and sore losers to find an original way to express themselves in the future.

All right, enough about Kanye. Let's talk about other vaginas. What do you think was more visibly swollen--Madonna's cheekbones or Katy Perry's labia? Tough call, I know.

Lady Gaga's vagina actually played piano during her performance of "Paparazzi." I can't say that I like all of her songs, I will say that I get what she's doing. I think she's entertaining even if most of the time I'm scratching my head. I think she's underachieving musically (at least what I've heard of her album compared to her live sets) in order to focus her image, which I hope changes in the future. Performing in a white dress covered in blood still isn't going to make me forget that the chorus of "Paparazzi" borrows liberally from Berlin's "Take My Breath Away." Top Gun was just finishing up on AMC at the same time Gaga took the stage. Holy synchronicity, Batman!

Muse has always been dogged for sounding like a Queen/Radiohead crossbreed, but this "Uprising" song of theirs is like a jock rock version of Battles' "Atlas" (The RoBeast Song of the Year, 2007). I can deal with arena rock dynamics in extreme moderation, but the lyrics here are more bland than "We Are the Champions." Don't get me wrong, I like Muse (The Absolution album is good stuff), but them and Green Day and My Chemical Romance and Foo Fighters need to settle the fuck down with the theatrics and start pretending that there's only one person listening to their song at a time. Coldplay can keep doing it though. I don't give a shit about them.

What else happened? To be honest, I spent most of the time either reading people's reactions to Kanye or thinking about Tetris, so forgive me. I guess I wasn't looking up at the screen enough. I remember not recognizing 95% of the presenters. I remember not understanding 95% of what Russell Brand was saying. I remember Jay-Z performing the first song ever written about New York City (95% of which was censored). Michael Jackson showed up, but Britney Spears didn't. Was Shakira there? I wanted to hear her say "A-WOOOOO!" It's ferocious!

Well, I'm not a 50-year old pop star that grew up in the Midwest with 8 brothers and sisters, so I'll stop talking now. Here are some suggested topics for your classroom discussion:

Does Soy Bomb have a place in a post-Dimebag world?
Does Kanye West care about white people?
Should the guy in worn-out jeans date the Cheer Captain or the girl on the bleachers?
Can we stop talking about the Beatles now for a little while?

Cascada - "Evacuate the Dancefloor"

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 11:15:00 +0000

Cascada's "Evacuate the Dancefloor" is poised to be the anthem for impending Swine Flu pandemic:

My body's aching/System overload/Temperature's rising/I'm about to explode... Evacuate the dance floor/I'm infected by the swine/Stop, this flu is killing me...

Is it just dumb luck that they have created the soundtrack to worldwide doom? That's what they'll have you believe. They're also dodging all Lady Gaga comparisons by saying they wrote the song at least a year ago. I'm not going to deny that the first time I heard this track, I insisted that it was Lady Gaga. Besides the obvious "dance" theme, some synthesizer sounds and vocal lines are very similar to parts of Gaga's "Just Dance." The pre-chorus of "Evacuate..." evidently features the most evident pieces of evidence. That, and the sections of the song where random dudes take over lead vocals. This occurs at nearly identical points of both songs (2:04 Gaga, 2:09 Cascada). Either their songwriting is so unoriginal that they've accidentally stumbled on the exact same formula, or something is rotten in Denmark's Southern neighbor Germany, home country of recording artists Cascada.

Or maybe it's a complete coincidence, I don't know. Cascada's random dude actually gets an extended nasal mediocre rap which serves to break up what was almost FIVE FUCKING CHORUSES IN A ROW. Gaga's track actually breaks down even further and nearly loses sight of itself order to hide its own FIVE FUCKING CHORUSES IN A ROW. Hey Jude, write some more lyrics!

The biggest problem I have with "Evacuate the Dancefloor" is that I can't effectively mock the chorus. I want it to be "Evacuate on the Dancefloor" or "Ejaculate on the Dancefloor" but the phrasing doesn't exactly fit. Another nitpick is that my spellcheck insists ""dancefloor is not one word. (It also insists "spellcheck" is not one word, but that's another story). At least Cascada is consistent--their last big hit, "Everytime We Touch" should have been four words. I can't wait for their greatest hits package, "Everytime We Touch Eachother Alot on the Dancefloor is Alright!"

Not that anyone is asking me to choose, but when it comes down to it, I prefer the Gaga tune. Cascada just sounds too happy and upbeat for me. The beat is not even slightly killing her and she clearly doesn't want Mr. DJ to stop, so why be coy? I get the impression that Lady Gaga was drugged at some point in the song and is Just Dance-ing for her life. Personally, I prefer the darker, more subtle chorus as opposed to one with in-your-face keyboards that mimic the lyrics (a lazy trend I despise these days).

Fortunately for the Cascadians, Gagamania is not running wild these days. "Just Dance" and "Poker Face" have run their course, and "Lovegame" and "Paparazzi" sound like complete gagortions, so Cascada should have no problem filling the void with this tune. But what the hell do I know? I'm just an old fart who doesn't dance but listens to Top 40 radio thinking that I'll be able to bring a refreshing perspective on it to his blog audience that doesn't listen to Top 40. So yeah, get used to this for a while.

Speaking of gagortions, watch this:

Haywire the Puppy

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 17:12:00 +0000

Unless teh_Beauty decides to post pictures of her little one, this could potentially be the most adorable BatR entry ever. I know it's been quiet here lately, but I had a minor flash of inspiration during a corporate town hall meeting in our building late last week. After setting up the A/V for the meeting, I didn't have much to do other than sit there and monitor levels. I took the opportunity to do a little bored-gami with two wire ties and came up with something that resembled a black puppy. When the room finally emptied, I busted out Macro Mode and took some snapshots of my new micro-canine friend.

Haywire the Puppy

Standing Up Against Coffee Culture

Phono Tug o' War

The Consequences of Roughhousing

Caught Green-Handed

Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence

Winding Down for Nap Time

That's all I've got for now, but Haywire will be back again someday. I've got a lot of music-related posts in the works. Maybe an MTV Awards liveblog/tweet on Sunday?

5 Dollar Footlong

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 17:15:00 +0000

Who wants an Eyeball Parmigiana sandwich?

Stone Free

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 18:36:00 +0000

As a young RoBeast, I grew up on the Jersey Shore, in an area with many man-made lagoons. Not a lot of the properties in my area had the ability to grow much of a lawn, so most people opted for stones instead. Tons and tons of stones.

Some people had smooth rounded white pebbles that felt gave a nice massage to bare feet in the summer. Others had small bluish-gray spiked rocks that may as well have been landmines. Just like with grass, these masses were alive and required regular maintenance. Cars parking and feet walking moved the stone lawns like liquid. Spreading stones with a shovel or a rake made a sound that resembled the waves at Seaside.

I preferred to do my part by picking up an obsession with throwing them instead. I threw them over power lines into the unknown woods while waiting for the bus. Sometimes I aimed for fences, mailboxes, and telephone poles. You could write with a rock on a well-paved road and then toss it away when you lost the inspiration. Kicking them was fun too. So was hitting them like a baseball with pieces of rebar lying around at my grandfather's house. Most of of all, I loved throwing them into the water. Skipping them was a competition, but throwing them in by the handful was making music--different sizes at different times produced different chimes.

I was constantly being told not to throw rocks, but I couldn't help myself. At summer camp, I accidentally hit a kid (Something-Fusco) in the hand with a jagged stone and gave him a nasty gash. Another time, I overestimated my arm and watched the rock arc directly into a large window across the street. I was trying to clear the house entirely and sink it into the next lagoon over. For my failure I had to pay the neighbor (Norman-Something) for a new window.

The incidents ceased when I eventually traded in the rocks for racquet balls at recess (Wall-Ball saved my life!), but I can't say I ever really grew out of the obsession. It's really a good thing that I wasn't born in India, or else I'd probably be one of the many proud idiots injured today in their annual stone-fighting celebration.

It's better luck to get hit in the head with seagull shit anyway.

Another Test Disguised as a Post

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 11:03:00 +0000

I came across this odd slide during an online safety training session about Egresses and Emergency Action Plans:

I don't really have anything to say about it other than it reminded me of this hilarious moment in SemanticMan history.

PS: It's ok to laugh at his post though--it's not about a 20th century date that never stood a chance.

If this shows up on Facebook automatically

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 03:52:00 +0000

then I did something right.

No 'staches, hammerhead!

Someone is FUCKING with me

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 15:25:00 +0000

I don't know who, but it's someone that has a stick up their ass with "agenda" written all over it. I'm not sure if I mean "agenda" is written on the stick or the person's ass, but I think you get the point. The thing I have to spend time bitching about today is the ramifications of my SafeSearch filter being stuck in the ON position.

I went apeshit this morning because I was trying to search specific terms related to this blog, and nothing was coming up. I couldn't even search the site with the on-site Google search tool in the sidebar. The only hits I got were references to "beautyandtherobeast.blogspot.com" on other sites and links by my blogmigos.

I immediately started asking around on Twitter to see if anyone was having the same problem, but everything worked fine for everybody except me. I frantically started typing a question on the Google Help Forum, but wanted to gather some more research first. I went into GChat and grabbed the first person on the list to run a search for me. Alan from NegativePop had no issues with his search results and then suggested that maybe it was a search filter problem on my end. I checked my settings and that was exactly it.

But...
...my "Do not filter" circle is clearly checked off. So what gives?

I went to Bing and this website didn't show up until the 2nd page of search results. It at least showed up this time, but I was still stuck on the Strict level of their Safesearch. Yahoo's got me defaulted at the middle level of Safesearch:

There, beautyandtherobeast.blogspot.com comes up first, but I still can't change the filter settings to what I really want! Why can't I change it?

Turns out that my computer isn't the only computer in the building stuck on this setting (I'm at work, I should've mentioned that earlier. I'm, uh, writing this on my lunch break, obviously). For years, IT has banned us from viewing image hosting sites, personal storage sites, dating sites, adult sites, and any site that the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Exposions would be interested in (though strangely, I can go to their site), but now it seems that they would like to limit our searches as well. And of course I understand why--they're trying to protect their computers from harmful badstuffs. Talk about a killjoy though. Is my site really so subversive to corporate culture that someone wearing a tie shouldn't be able to accidentally stumble on my ideas via the Google Search engine? Pffft, Braaaap, & Thwick.

These highly entertaining sound effects beg another question: Why is this blog being filed under Explicit or Adult? Gio's blog is showing on the first page of search results on Google, and a huge portion of his content is devoted to porn reviews. Jay's Sexy Armpit (which I will now refer to as Sex-Pit for short) isn't explicit at all, but it does have the word "Sex" in the title. That is able to pass through the Safesearch filter with no problem, but mine isn't. (Don't worry boys, I'm not trying to throw you under the bus... just giving you some free plugs!) Maybe naked girls being posted is Adult Content, but drawing Nintendo tattoos on them definitely makes it kewl for the kiddies, right? No? Ok, well then I blame teh Beauty's centaur porn posts (which coincidentally makes up 99.23987% of the traffic here). As a fan of things that come with warning labels, I will wear this as a badge of honor.

Here's something I just discovered: my computer isn't the only computer in the building stuck on this setting (I'm at work, I should've mentioned that earlier. I'm, uh, writing this on my lunch break, obviously). For years, IT has banned us from viewing image hosting sites, personal storage sites, dating sites, adult sites, and any site that the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Exposions would be interested in (though strangely, I can go to their site), but now it seems that they would like to limit our searches as well. And of course I understand why--they're trying to protect their computers from harmful badstuffs. Talk about a killjoy though. Is my site really so subversive to corporate culture that someone wearing a tie shouldn't be able to accidentally stumble on my ideas via the Google Search engine? Pffft, Braaaap, & Thwick.

Obviously, I'll find a way around my search problem (I'm having no problems with unfiltered searches on Dogpile, Altavista, Ask, etc.), but I think it is incredibly lame to now know that anyone with a strict filter, whether it be self-imposed, accidental, or mandated, won't find this entry. I have no intentions of playing the game and cleaning things up to get my PG-13 rating, so your dirty, hairy, foul-mouthed RoBeast lives on.

Take that Mr. Poopy Pants.

Striker Striker Striker Striker...

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 16:35:00 +0000

Trident Layers is a new gum that will start appearing in stores over the next few weeks (I hear that you can find it at Target right now). As the name suggests, it's a multi-layered hunk of gum with a fruit flavored center. A "gum sandwich" is what most people are calling it, but just to be different I'll call it Gumsagna. Or maybe Lay-sagna? I don't know.

I've had both flavors (each flavor has two flavors) and I have to say it's pretty tasty. But I'm not here on Erff to sell you gum--I'm here to dick around with MS Paint and occasionally make smart-ass jokes. The first time I heard the brand name, my Scrabble-playing brain immediately started layering the layers...

layerslayerslayerslayerslayerslayerslayer...

It's a natural marriage, no? Kicking ass and chewing gum? Imagine they asked Slayer to play in the commercials? I can see it now... "Raining Gum... from a Naturally Flavored Sky!" The packaging is just begging for the Slayer font. How fucking awesome would it be to see this on a billboard while you're stuck in traffic?

There's only one way out of here... piece by piece.

O BOY

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I got the Van Gogh-Kart repaired in time to catch a photo of this amazing license plate:

Personally I think a backwards 2 may have been more readable than the backwards S, but hey, it's not my car.

RadioShack's Radio Sack

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 13:27:00 +0000

According to the research of uncool marketers, RadioShack will be cooler by referring to itself simply as The Shack. I haven't seen Shaquille O'Neal's official statement yet, but I personally think the switch is sort of lame. Part of it is my natural aversion to corporations trying to be cool on purpose and then putting out press releases announcing it (ATTN: NEWS MEDIA - WE'RE ABOUT TO BE FETCH). Pizza Hut apparently did something similar this year, trying to push The Hut. I don't believe that caught on.

Maybe it's cool for customers or employees to call it The Shack in private (does anyone do that?), but once corporate makes it official, it automatically loses its cred. If Target started rerferring to itself with the fake french pronunciation, it would be funny for a second, but lame if they actually committed millions of dollars to it by hiring a team to make a campaign out of it with their power point pie charts and subway posters.

My other problem is that I just happen to like the name RadioShack and the nerdy homegrown tech-head connotation that surrounds it. Maybe the word is "old-fashioned" (like shopping in an actual store, no?) but to remove it is to blandize the image that built the business. RadioShack is a place for a geeks to drool on a thousand different audio adaptors. The Shack is for dirty water dogs, porno mags, and termites.

Anyways, I just put my feelings onto a floppy disk, stuck it in the Tandy, and it outputted this haiku onto the dot matrix:

Radio power
An invisible lightning
sets the Shack on fire

What would happen if everyone got into this nickname trend? If you wanted to meet me at The Barrel, would we be buying furniture with elitists or eating cheese with racists?

A few years back Mountain Dew tried to make us "Do the Dew." Would Sephora be able to make us "Do the Hora?"

Would the whippersnappers continue buying the freshest clothes at Aeropostale?

Technically, this should be Le Sac:

This makes no sense logically or economically, but I've always wanted to fist the Fuddrucker's sign:
And we're done here.

-The Beast

YA RLY

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 14:42:00 +0000

I'm not here to defend The Birther movement, or Orly "The Owl" Taitz, Esquire. To be honest, I really know extremely little about this nutty little conspiracy theory and the news coverage it has suddenly garnered. I also have no interest in digging any deeper to understand or investigate it. I could have been completely ignorant and oblivious to the whole story had it not just been mentioned so many times today on my Facebook feed.

Here's the link. Watch it. Breathe.

Now tell me, where is there a "meltdown"? Can you show me just where someone "implodes"? Where do they "lose it"?

Here's a brief example of an emotional and physical meltdown:

It's obvious that at one point, Lex Lugar's brain actually stops working here (insert joke), and he just freaks out. Other than the frustration of constantly being interrupted (and ultimately ganged up on), Orly hardly got "emotional" during the interview. She didn't cry when they started baiting her with indirect ad hominem attacks. She didn't get up and leave or punch anyone when she started getting double-teamed. She didn't have a hoedown when she couldn't sum her argument in a two-second soundbyte. She just sat there and kept trying to state her case. Maybe she repeated herself, but it's clear that she (thinks she) has a complex argument that involves a lot of talking points and chronology. JUST LET HER FUCKING FINISH, SHUSTER, AND THEN YOU CAN DEBATE. Or if you have no intention of even letting her make any points, then don't invite her on the show and pretend that you're going to have an exclusive in-depth conversation.

Ok, maybe I'm naive for assuming that a 6-minute news segment is actually a worthwhile place to have a real debate, but I'm not the one claiming victory here. This interview doesn't sum up the Republican party. It isn't a diagnosis of a "crazy" person. And it certainly doesn't help make a case for or against the issue at hand. It's obvious to me that the hosts thought they were sitting on a potential viral goldmine just by booking this interview, pushing a few buttons, then sitting back and smirking while the video was captured. Judging by the attention it's gotten, they've achieved that, but I think the headlines were written before the microphone was even opened anyway. The news media is constantly clammoring for "the career-ending interview," or the "big expose," or the "mega freakout." This was nothing more than another really lame public argument with no resolution. And everyone ends up losing.

However silly I may think Orly's accent, high pitched voice, and funny name is doesn't make this a comedy*. It's a tragedy how insulting the hosts of this show acted and how overblown the reactions to the video are (including mine, perhaps?). Maybe she is crazy. Maybe the whole Birther movement is crazy. This interview certainly didn't prove it. It's unfortunate that I'm so distracted by the shitty news media that I'm actually sympathetic for a conspiracy theorist.

- Oversensitive RoBeast, Devil's Advocate, Esq.

*Ok, I admit: funny name is funny.

Interoffice Mail

noreply@blogger.com (Ro-Beast Rollie) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 20:26:00 +0000

I couldn't fit this in the interoffice envelope. D'ya think they'll take it anyway?