Because Toby Said So

I'll Be Back...and That's a Threat

2011-04-01T19:19:00.000-04:00

I have picked up several outside blog content writing opportunities lately and it taken up a lot of the time I was spending on my own blogs. I am actually getting paid to do those jobs,so something had to give. Sadly, one of the casualties of my my newfound writing gigs is this blog. I am going to put it hiatus for unspecified time, but as soon as I can get into a routine with all the new stuff, I'll be back to expose you to my brilliant prose and witty satire, whether you like it or not. :)

Seriously, thanks for reading Because Toby said So over the last few months, I am truly grateful. The blog was just starting to hit a stride when all this other work just happened, but since it was the newest member of my Blogging Empire, the choice to put it on hold was really pretty easy. Two of my other blogs, Three States Plus One and Dumbass News are more established, widely read and kickin' ass and takin' names, so if you haven't given them a look yet, please stop on by.

Again, I'll be firing up this site as soon as I can get things sorted out, so don't forget about it just yet. Travel safe and be well, amigos. I am Gone Fishin'.

Toby

Stop Gang Activity in Your 'Hood, Get a GED!

2011-03-22T02:46:00.001-04:00

Today we will take a look at the American system of jurisprudence. Our justice system, while occasionally flawed, is the best system in the history of mankind. In our justice system a man is innocent until proven guilty by a jury of his peers. If he is found not guilty, he's a free man facing no further prosecution from the government.

GED Proud

In Cleveland, Ohio they do things a little differently when a man is found not guilty. They give the defendant their jury duty pay! Is this a great country or what? But there is a catch to this "gift" to the not guilty guy, because he seems like a nice young man, despite being charged for participating in gang-related activities. The catch? Our juvenile delinquent has to get a GED ASAP. This is a fine idea. Except it is fucking stoopid. Why is it stoopid? What makes these dumbass jurors think that if this kid, who's 19 by the way, gets a GED that he'll have an epiphany and leave the gang life behind? With a GED this young hoodlum can go around Cleveland and shout to all whom will listen, "I got a GED! Now I can be a high school drop out with a GED and still do gang stuff to the citizens of Cleveland!" He may even start a trend amongst gangstahs all over the country. The gangs will replace those stoopid looking red and blue bandanas hanging out the back pocket of their jeans with GED Certificates! And they'll owe all this pride in their new found GED to the jurors who were too damned stoopid to see guilt when it was staring right them in the eyes. Fucking asswipes. The new motto for the Bloods or the Crips can be: "We may be drug dealing, prostitute makin', extortionists and cold blooded killers, but we all have GEDs!!!" Now these scum suckers can make change for a hundred on their next crack cocaine deal.

I say we should lock the bastards up and give them a sentence in line with their crime, put then on a chain gang and work the vermin til they fucking drop every day from exhaustion for the duration of their sentences. Oh, yeah, and tell them to shove that GED up their asses. How's that GED shit workin' for you now, dickweeds? These plagues of society are breathin' my air. Fuck 'em.

Spring Snow for Maine Today! Texas? Not So Much.

2011-03-21T09:41:00.001-04:00

Not the Igloo in the Story :)

Today is the first full day of spring. My friends in Texas and other parts of the country are welcoming the new season with temperatures near 80 degrees, while here in Maine we're about to get hit with another snow storm! We are going to get at 5 inches of solid sunshine this afternoon and tonight. With that in mind, I thought this would be appropriate story.

I try like to crazy to be an optimist regardless of the circumstances. It's difficult to do sometimes, but I still make a great effort to do it. That's exactly what a group of guys in Minnesota, whose motto is "At Least We're Not North Dakota", recently did. These guys were tired of them and their neighbors hibernating during the long, cold Minny-soda winters and not really seeing each other for months at a time. So what did these enterprising young men do? They were given lemons and they made lemonade from them. More precisely, the were given snow and they made an igloo out of it! They made an igloo large enough to accomodate fifteen people! Now that's what I'm talkin' about! Chris Aldrich, one of the igloo builders, said, "In the summer, everybody's out, and we see everybody," Aldrich said. "But as soon as winter comes, everybody shuts themselves in. We wanted to get to know people in the winter."Is this a great idea or what? It's such a great idea that not long ago 30 people showed up for a block party at the igloo. This is no ordinary igloo either. It's outfitted with a "vented fireplace, candle alcoves and patio furniture". The story from UPI failed to mention that Mother Nature provided the beer cooler. :)

I gotta tip my hat to Chris Aldrich and his housemates for their amazing ingenuity with regards to the igloo. That wasn't the case when I first read this story. I had a million funny things to say, but I just couldn't bring myself to make fun of these huys. I mean, I live in Maine and I am simpatico with Minny-sodans whne it comes to winter weather. And I'm a bit jealous that I didn't think about this before those guys did. Chris and his buddies deserve a lot of credit for turning a bummer of a situation into a project that they can tell their grand kids about. Way to go, guys! I just might create a Because Toby Said So Certificate of Merit or something in your honor. I am duly and completely impressed.

Because Toby said so.

Willie, Mickey and The Duke!

2011-03-20T11:38:00.000-04:00

I posted this a couple of weeks ago, but I added the best part of the article too late in the day to be appreciated by basdeball fans and people who just like comic genius. That part would be the classic 'Who's on First?" routine by Abbott & Costello. That alone is worth the price of admission. Enjoy.

Spring training is underway! At this time of year as we get ready for another 162 game grind that will culminate with the World Series in October, optimism is as everywhere as the Florida and Arizona sunshine. Hope springs eternal and all that.

Talkin' baseball... <----This song should be the official song of Major League Baseball. Sorry about that "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" lovers, "Talkin' Baseball" is a much better anthem for America's Pasttime. I am by no means an expert on baseball, but I do have a sense of the history of the Game, it's players of the past and many of the watershed moments in the sport. I like "Talkin' Baseball" precisely for those reasons. The song runs by you some of the greatest names to ever put on a Major League Team's uniform...names that were once sacred to boys (and girls) all over the United States. Those names to the little boys of yesteryear, who are by the way, today's Middle Agers, meant something special, much as the names of Albert Pujols and Josh Hamilton do to today's youngsters.

I have been lucky enough to see many major League games, all in Texas, at the Astrodome, Arlington Stadium and the Rangers Ball Park. Some of the greatest players of my generation were there for me to see. Pete Rose, Johnny Bench, Nolan Ryan and so many others. My maternal Grand father loved baseball, I guess that's where I get my love of the game. I remember, as a little boy, having an AM Transistor radio. After the sun went down and the 50,000 watt AM radio stations cranked up the power on a clear channel, I listened to baseball games from all over the country. I slipped the little radio under my pillow and it was time to Play ball! I was a big St. Louis Cardinals fan at the time (except for the Astros) and Jack Buck and Harry Carey used to bring old Busch Stadium, Bob Gibson, Steve Carlton, Lou Brock, Orlando Cepeda into my bed room 162 times a year.

I even got to meet Mickey Mantle once and I got an autographed baseball from him! Mickey frakkin' Mantle, people!!! Since I live only a couple of hours away from Boston, I am gonna try like hell to get to Fenway Park this summer. I can smell the popcorn now.

I could go on for hours, but instead, I'll save some baseball stories for another time. Until then, Play ball!

Because Toby said so.

Stoopid Newspaper Headlines!

2011-03-19T09:04:00.000-04:00

Seminarians Retaliate with Holy Water

Howdy, y'all. Another weekend has come and almost gone and we are less than two weeks away from Christmas and the 2010 Season of the NFL has only four weeks left, with a passel of playoff spots undecided. To top that all off, New Year's Day is is less than three weeks away. Where the hell did 2010 go? And what sucks about the end of the year (any year) is that we are going to slapped up one side of the head and down the other with "Best of...", "Worst of..." lists. Thank God I've been doing this blog only for a few weeks. That means I don't have enough material to compile a Top 2 list, much less a Top 10 list.

With that, we turn to once again to Stupid Newspaper Headlines! That means we prowl the internet, specifically HeadlineHumor.com. for teh funny. They are the ones who gather all these stupid headlines and we pilfer them. What did you expect me to do? Work? You are an idiot if you think that I am going do actual manual labor. Sheesh. Anyway, Headline Humor supplies the headlines and I supply the pithy, soon-to-be award-winning commentary. Remember, these are actual headlines from actual newspapers around the English speaking world.

Headline: Tips to avoid alligator attacks - Don't swim in waters inhabited by large alligators.
Me: Whoever is the last man to read and approve that ad should be drawn and quartered post haste. OK, drawn and quartered may be a bit harsh, but the dumbass should at the very least be required to have a vasectomy. He must not be allowed to procreate! I think I am being more than generous here.

Headline: Due to lack of interest by friends and relatives, the birthday party for Becky Pritchard has been cancelled.
Me: Becky, brush your damn teeth! And for Gawd's sake, change your stinky ass drawers! One more thing, Betty, use some Raid. The flies bother the rest of us.

Headline: Clinton apologizes to syphilis victims.
Me: I got nothin' to add to that.

Headline: Big jugs, fine wine, nice party.
Me: Two in a row. I got nothin'.

Headline: Student excited Dad got head job.
Me: I bet Dad's pretty stoked, too.

That ought to put the proverbial last nail in my blogging coffin. It's been fun, folks. On second thought, Al Gore won a Grammy and a Nobel Prize for much worse material. So, if Al can get by on minimal talent and outright lies, there's still hope for me. I have as little talent as anybody and I can lie with the best of 'em. Boy, am I relieved.

Because Toby said so.

Fish.Fear.Me.

2011-03-18T08:12:00.000-04:00

Originally Posted on December 29, 2010

I have been around the coffee cup hunting the handle. I'm certainly not the most well-traveled guy in the metaphorical room, but I've been fortunate enough of to have seen much of this country from coast to coast, north to south. This is especially true of my beloved Texas. If you had a map of Texas, looked at El Paso and followed I-10 to San Antone, then I-37 all the way to Corpus Christi, the area below and left of .the Interstates is the only area of Texas I have not seen, but I'll conquer that part of the state soon. Long story short (I know; it's too late for that), as far as the Lone Star State goes, I've been there, done that. One place consistently stands out in my mind in the approximately 200,000 square miles of Texas I've seen. The 3.2 square miles that is Woodville. Woodville has no 100,000 seat football stadium or behemoth amusement park to attract visitors or tourists. To me, it has some things much more valuable and welcoming, its people and the gift from God of the land that surrounds it. The scenery and natural beauty around Woodville offer a guy like me, thankfully, something that can't be unseen. I haven't been there but once in the last fifteen years, but my friends and the places in Woodville are as fresh and vivid as if I were there a few minutes ago. Martin Dies State Park, home of Dam B (B. A. Steinhagen Lake), is a great place to camp and fish. I will point out to you that when you see a sign in the park that says something like "Beware of Alligators", they mean beware of alligators! Dam B and the surrounding countryside are home to some of the best fishing I have EVER experienced. Ivanhoe Lakes, south of town on Hwy. 69, is a residential community with several private lakes on the property. These lakes harbor some huge bass. I was lucky enough to know some folks who lived there, and at Ivanhoe Lakes, Fish.Fear.Me. On the north end of Dam B is the confluence of the Neches and Angelina Rivers. (In the Angelina link, Sam Rayburn Lake is on the right and the river is below the dam) The spot where the two rivers merge into Dam B is a sight to behold. The Neches is muddy and brown, while the Angelina is almost Royal blue - the contrast is amazing, as if the Good Lord got out His Heavenly Paint Pallet and decided to make a colorful imaginary border between the two. South of Woodville is Village Creek and the State Park named for it. The creek is so wide that is almost a small river and it is loaded with bass, crappie and catfish. Village Creek and the Angelina rate as my two favorite fishin' holes out of the literally thousands I have decimated. Fish.Fear.Me. Just ask the ones in Village Creek. :) On the outskirts of Woodville are many small communities - Warren, Fred, Spurger, Village Mills and more - that play host to dozens of creeks that run like aquatic ribbons throughout the area. I was kind enough to leave a few fish to repopulate the local watershed, so you, too, can enjoy what has brought me thousands of hours and hundreds of days of what I call "goin' to Church" - just me and God. I talked, He listened and I was Baptized in the Spirit. Thank you, Lord for this piece of Paradise and giving me the privilege of reaping its Bounty and becoming Your son and you my Father. Amen.

Because Toby said so.

Teacher Fired for Former Career as Porn Star!

2011-03-16T10:28:00.001-04:00

UGLY WHITE WOMAN ALERT! THE FOLLOWING STORY CONTAINS AN UGLY WHITE WOMAN AND REFERENCES TO PORNOGRAPHY. THIS STORY IS PROBABLY NSFW!

Ugly White Woman Former Porn Star

What's the deal with teachers these days? And most of the bad news we hear about teachers, is about female teachers. I'm sure that there are just as many bad apple male teachers out there, but the news reports of the last few years have highlighted (lowlighted?) teachers of the fair sex. Almost every week we hear a story about how some babe of a teacher has had sex with one of her male students. I have something to say about the boys in these relationships, and believe you me, it ain't good, but that's for another time.

Recently, a teacher in suburban St. Louis, a woman, resigned her position because she was having sex. Not with a student, but with everybody! It was discovered that in a previous life the teacher, Tera Myers, was a porn star! Not just any old porn star, but an Ugly White Woman Porn Star! I'm not judging this lady's character because she's homely,quite the contrary as you'll see. (editor's note- I am butt ugly myself, so I have experience in calling ugly, ugly and am well within my rights to do so) Myers work in the Adult Film Industry fifteen years ago came back to bite her in the ass (<-----I made a funny)

Myers was found out by a student who confronted her about her past and things just snowballed from there.

She had come to regret her decision to do adult films and tried to put her past behind her (<-----another funny). This is not the first time Myers porn career has come to light and cost her a job. the same thing happened in Kentucky in 2006. "I did live with the fear that somehow, someday, it would catch up with me. I just didn't know that it would ruin me." She even spoke with Dr. Phil, claiming that acting in porn was the worst decision she made at a point when she was desperate, bipolar and a homeless mother of two, she said, according to the show's website. Five years ago, Myers defended herself in the press."I didn't do anything criminal, I did something stupid, but I didn't hurt anybody except myself. They treated me like I was a criminal," she told Fox News at the time."Students know that I was one of them, as opposed to a lot of teachers who come across as holier than thou. I can be a shining example to kids of someone who overcame their mistakes," she explained. The school district had the typical "we were surprised, she had done nothing wrong but we fired her anyway' statement in regards to the matter. The whole story is on Aol News, if you want to read it.

A couple of questions. 1) What is the high school student who turned Myers in doing watching porn. Isn't that a crime if the kid is underaged? I'm just sayin'. And 2) Why is this lady being excoriated when she obviously is repentant of her earlier career? Does she not deserve a second chance? People who have done worse are given second chances every day. Why not her? To my lnowledge, she has not been charges with any crime nor any inappropriate conduct with her students. What's the deal then? That she's a teacher in charge of kids every day? Again, she has not insinuated in any wrongdoing with any student. Check this out: A school district spokesman told the press that Myers' history as a porn star didn't come up during background or reference checks because she broke no laws by acting in adult films. I rest my case. End. Of. Story.

Because Toby said so.

(Hat tip to Heather the Wife)

The Ides of March

2011-03-15T04:34:00.002-04:00

Famous Dead Roman Guy

Beware the Ides of March. Famous words from Julius Caesar's personal seer before Caesar was killed. Although the phrase was made commonplace by Shakespeare's play "Julius Caesar". But, what are the Ides of March? I am just the guy let you know. Wikipedia says, the "term ides was used for the 15th day of the months of March, May, July, and October, and the 13th day of the other months." Well, that clears that up. Almost. The Ides of March is the first day of the Roman New Year.It also marks the first day of spring in the Roman calendar according to holidayinsights.com Now that's something I did not know. And here we thought that the "Ides of March" were just about the murder of some dumbass Roman guy of long ago. Not so fast, toga breath. In Italy, "The Ides of March is celebrated every year by the Rome Hash House Harriers with a toga run in the streets of Rome, in the same place where Julius Caesar was killed".

And we all thought that March 15 just meant great pizza specials. Or that St. Patrick's Day is just 48 hours away. And gettin' drunk and eating pizza sure beats the hell out of remembering some asshole Roman guy of 2000 years ago getting sliced up like a roll of hard salami. In Texas, we call stuff like this "Friday Night". It's fun for the entire family!

Because Toby said so.

Liberal Shows His True Colors; Threatens to Kill Maine Governor

2011-03-14T16:36:00.000-04:00

Dumbass

In the elections of this past November, my state of residence, Maine, elected a Republican Governor, Paul LePage. LePage is a self made man who was homeless at age eleven and he endured personal tragedy that no kid should ever have to experience. He is now wealthy and he did it on his own, which pisses Liberals to no end. It's all out in the open, so if you wanna fact check me, go ahead.

After hearing from Liberals that Conservatives are blood thirsty raaaaacists and worse, one of their Liberal brethren was dis-satisfied with the election results and the seating of a conservative as the Governor of this state. So what does this numb nuts do? He threatened the life of Governor LePage! To further show you what a fucking dickweed this guy is...wait. for. it. he's an inmate in the Piscataquis County Jail! According to the Bangor Daily News, Dunn slid a "folded letter from his cell, which allegedly was signed by Dunn, was graphic in detail about how he planned to kill the governor, whom he said he hated." Here's more, "According to police, Dunn, has a lengthy criminal history mostly for theft". And now his modified resume will have another addition - "threatening to kill the Governor of Maine". Slick move ExLax.

Whatever this dipshit was incarcerated for is small potatoes compared to plotting to assassinate a sitting Governor. I am not sure how the criminal justice system would work in this case, but I figure that the State will stack his sentences, so he won't be a bother to polite society for quite some time. He will however, make new "special" friends while he's in the fucking Big House.

I brought this up briefly up there ^^^, what if LePage was Democrat and Dunn was a Conservative? This would be all over every newspaper in the country and the Lame stream media would flood the evening news shows with this story like it was Hurricane Katrina. Alas, that is not the way the story goes, much to the dismay of Liberals everywhere.

In conclusion, (<-----I like saying that) Dunn is being "done" in the Big House, The Lame Stream Media still sucks and I despise what Liberals stand for.

Because Toby said so.

The Things I Do to Have a Lunch With My Family

2011-03-12T17:34:00.000-05:00

The Place For Lunch

Earlier today, I had a bad ass breakfast thanks to my bride, Heather. I also put together a couple of posts for two of my other blogs, Three States Plus One and Dumbass News. After that, I rounded up the whole crew and we took off for Sam's Club for a little grocery shopping. They had all kinds of kiosks set up at Sam's with various snack samples ranging from healthy energy bars to not so healthy waffles. I figured that I would treat the girls to lunch, so we hit up all the kiosks. All in all, it was a healthy, balanced meal. That's just the kind of family man I am, putting the interests of my wife and little girls above mine. But, my kindness does know its limits.

After such a sumptuous lunch, can you believe that Heather wanted to shop some more? I couldn't believe it either, but being a dutiful husband and father, I again put my wants and needs on hold in favor of my wife and kids. We hit up the kiosks for seconds, this time sending my oldest daughter, Isabella, to get the free samples for the family. I had done it the first time around and I didn't want to appear to be greedy or unthankful by making a second trip to all the samples kiosks. Almost all the samples kiosks were manned by little old ladies who appeared to be way past retirement age. I give Sam's credit for hiring old people who don't just want to sit at home and waste away. Instead, these silver haired ladies make some extra cash by prepping and passing out food samples on the weekends. They are brave women.

Getting a sample from the food kiosks is almost as dangerous as being at war. I shit you not. The rest of the little old ladies in Augusta who are not employed by Sam's, are rushing to the free food samples like Michael Moore hits up the buffet at Pizza Hut. It's vicious. Little old ladies were pushing and shoving each other like it was a hockey game in there. I was pissed off because these old broads were disrupting my family lunch with my wife and kids. I was very patient with them, as I always defer to the ladies when in line for anything. That's how I roll. Then I got to thinking. I am 54 years old and six months I will be a Senior Citizen too! So screw all these old battle axes. The next time I take Heather and the girls out for lunch at Sam's, I will show no mercy when it comes to free pizza samples. I am gonna kick ass and take names, little old ladies be damned! They will never interfere with a family lunch date at Sam's again!

Because Toby said so. :)

Receipt Prank at Burger King Goes F*cking Wrong

2011-03-11T12:50:00.000-05:00

Italian for Burger King?

I would normally post the story you are about to read on one of my other blogs called Dumbass News, but after thinking about it, the subject at hand suits this blog just fine. You'll see what I mean in a moment.

The Dumbass Train rolls on unabated in our society today as the Liberal elites and the dumb fucks that follow them attempt to make our society, a society of victims. Very recently, we posted this on our sister blog, Dumbass News, about some dickweed wanting to ban toys in "unhealty Happy Meals". To his credit, the Liberal asshole mayor of San Francisco, Gavin McAsswipe, vetoed this preposterous notion. But, wait, there's more!

In Sacramento, another butt hurt pansy has assumed the place of victimhood abandoned by those before him. Francisco Perez stopped by his local Burger King to grab some grub. Perez had no complaints about the food he was served. Well, then, you ask, what was the problem? The receipt he got with his order was a bit different than your regular Burger King receipt. Instead of the normal "thank you, please come back" message on the ticket, he got back a receipt that said "Fuck you" on it. Watch the video here to get a look. Like any good dipshit that lives in California, Frankie the Sissy is all bent out of shape over the whole thing. He goes to the media and cries like a first grade little girl that got her pigtails yanked, except first grade girls who get their pigtails pulled, don't squawl and bawl like a pussy. Francisco does though. Frankie the Asswipe says,"This is a professional business. I go get a bite to eat and this is what I get... Uh, I don't find it funny at all." Frankie, just go home to Mommy and hide behind her skirt all day, you fucking crybaby. If you are gonna go running to the media because you got a vulgar message on your fast food lunch receipt, what are you gonna do when something BAD happens? Piss your pants and faint?

Is this little episode in bad taste? Sure. Is Burger King Corporate at fault here? No. It was probably some kid who has a little computer savvy that pulled a stupid practical joke because he knew that some sensitive metro sexual Rump Ranger like Frankie would go squealing to the media. The tech savvy kid and real men laugh at you Francisco, because you are a pussy.

Now quit breathing my air! Dumbass.

Because Toby said so.

(UPDATE) Burger King fired part of the crew that was on duty when Frankie got his "fuck you" receipt. Read about it here. BK even offered this knob nibbler vouchers for free BK food, but he turned them down. Now a few of the local Burger King employees are without work in that job-rich environment that is California. If these employees are responsible for this prank, they got what they deserved. If not, I hope Frankie feels like a real "man" since he whined his way to the media about this ordeal and these guys have no job. Hey, Frankie! Did you ever think that maybe you could have gone to the Shift Manager and got this issue resolved? No, because you are a victim, Frankie. A victim of being a fucking spineless asswipe. I am surprised we haven't seen the race card played yet. Or is that next, Frankie? Fucking cum funnel.

Recycling; Scam City?

2011-03-10T12:47:00.001-05:00

A Former Tree

"Officials at Florida International University say this year's graduating seniors will be the first to get caps and gowns made entirely of recycled plastic. In May the 4,500 students are expected to attend commencement wearing apparel made completely from an earth-friendly fabric spun from pellets melted down from recycled plastic bottles, The Miami Herald reported Sunday."

That's the opening paragraph of a story I found through United Press International. Here's what I have to say about the whole thing: Ain't that fucking special. I'm not real big on this whole recycling thing. It's a great idea in theory, but in practice, not so much. This is from about.com, "in 2002, New York City, an early municipal recycling pioneer, found that its much-lauded recycling program was losing money, so it eliminated glass and plastic recycling. According to Mayor Michael Bloomberg, the benefits of recycling plastic and glass were outweighed by the price -- recycling cost twice as much as disposal. Meanwhile, low demand for the materials meant that much of it was ending up in landfills anyway, despite best intentions'." The last two words sum it up perfectly., "best intentions". Feel good gobbledy gook that a bunch of Gaia-worshiping pansies base their whole belief system on..."intentions". The article did, however, leave out another important word that goes with "best intentions?, and that word is "control". I don't think I need to explain it to you. If you want to read the complete article, it can be found here.

When it becomes economically feasible to recycle anything, paper, soda cans, plastic, whatever, I'll be tooting the loudest horn and shouting from the highest mountain top about the benefits of recycling. Until then, spare me the feel good mamby pamby save the trees crap. I ain't got time for it. Also.....you are breathing my air, dumbass. Leave me the hell alone. You idiot tree-hugger dipshits are more irritating than the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Because Toby said so.

Regent, North Dakota is a Great Town!

2011-03-07T19:31:00.001-05:00

Sculpture by Gary Greff, Regent, ND

I hate like hell to start off a post with a disclaimer, but I think it's the right thing to do on this occasion. Disclaimer: I love small towns. The smaller, the better. Good fences make good neighbors and all that. I'd give my eye teeth to live in a small town yesterday if it were possible and I had the okie dokie from my wife. So both of you in Regent, North Dakota, I'd love to visit your town at any time. You wanna pony up for a trip from Maine to Regent for me, my wife and two children, I am all in. I'll do a "play by play", as it were, of the trip on this very blog , if you so desire. Email me at tobysaidso AT gmail DOT com with travel arrangements. I'm just sayin'. End of disclaimer.

The aforementioned Regent, North Dakota has as one of its citizens, a man named Gary Greff. Mr. Greff is renown around Regent as a sculptor. his work with iron has been transformed into deer, fish, grasshoppers and other animals and those works of art adorn a road called the Enchanted Highway. Sounds like a cool deal. Mr. Greff has now set his sights on a new sculpture that he hopes will bring in some much-needed cash flow from tourists traveling to the Annual Sturgis (SD) Motorcycle Extravaganza and Drunken Brawl. This new piece of art, a motorcycle, will be displayed on Main Street in Regent if all goes well. Greff plans for the bike to be 102 feet from tire to tire and 42 feet from ground to handlebars. The hope is that Greff can assemble motorcycle during the winter of 2011-2012, with the aim of getting it displayed in the summer of 2012. I think I love the town of Regent, North Dakota and I really like Gary Greff. Here's why: instead of bitchin' and moanin' and squawlin' and bawlin', the town and Gary Greff yanked up their collective boot straps and did and are doing a great thing by finding their own solution to their own problem. The best part is they did NOT call anyone in the State or Federal gubmint and ask for one single frakkin' dime! These people could be Texans, like me! :) There are only 211 people who live in Regent and I want to salute every last one of them for their "do-it-yourself" attitude. That attitude is also known by the moniker of the American Way. I wish I could buy all 211 Regent-ites(?) the beverage his or her choice. Kick ass and take names, Regent!

If there's anything at all that I can help you with - PR, planned fund raisers, bake sales, ANYTHING, I will be more than glad to help. I run six blogs that get more than a few page hits every day and, if I need to, I can go All Regent, All the Time. OK, I made up that last part about All Regent, All the Time, but I am serious about helping you out if I can. The email address is in the "disclaimer" at the top of this post. Please feel free to use it anytime. You've got a big fan in Augusta, Maine.

Because Toby said so.

UPDATE: Gary Greff's artwork on the Enchanted Highway in Regent, ND

Batter Up! Talkin' Baseball

2011-03-05T13:32:00.004-05:00

Fenway Park

Spring training is underway! At this time of year as we get ready for another 162 game grind that will culminate with the World Series in October, optimism is as everywhere as the Florida and Arizona sunshine. Hope springs eternal and all that.

Talkin' baseball... <----This song should be the official song of Major League Baseball. Sorry about that "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" lovers, 'Talkin' Baseball" is a much better anthem for America's Pasttime. I am by no means an expert on baseball, but I do have a sense of the history of the Game, it's players of the past and many of the watershed moments in the sport. I like "Talkin' Baseball" precisely for those reasons. The song runs by you some of the greatest names to ever put on a Major League Team's uniform...names that were once sacred to boys (and girls) all over the United States. Those names to the little boys of yesteryear, who are by the way, today's Middle Agers, meant something special, much as the names of Albert Pujols and Josh Hamilton do to today's youngsters.

Talkin' About Fishin'

2011-03-04T10:38:00.000-05:00

Pick a spot.

I am a little bit homesick today. I was sitting here daydreaming about doing some serious fishin'. It's the time of year when the sand bass are making their annual spawning journey into the creeks that feed the lakes. In this case, I am speaking of Lake Palestine. I know some spots on the creeks that you could stand in one spot, not moving more than a foot in either direction, and catch over 100 sandies. I should know. I have done it. And, no I don't keep them. I practice catch and release 99.9% of the time, just keeping what I need to feed myself a couple of times. The fight that a 2 pound sand bass puts up when you use light tackle like I do, is reward enough for me.

Soon the crappie will move into shallower water as they, too, prepare to spawn. I like to crappie fish with a bobber set for about 3 feet of water. When the bobber starts dancing, so does my heart. I love to fish for crappie and they are very tasty if you decide to keep a few. I can almost see that bobber dancin' right now. Fish.Fear.Me.

And let's not forget the catfish. I like to fish for catfish around boat houses. There, the water is fairly deep and there's always easy access to deeper water when the fish feel like going deeper. My preferred method for catfishing is "skipping" liver up under the boat house "garage door". It's very simple to do. Bait your hook with some chicken liver and do not use a weight. Chunk the liver up under the boat house door like skipping rocks across the water. This does three things that catfish love. the liver makes noise as it skips across the surface of the water, therefore grabbing the attention any nearby catfish. This method also chums the water with the smell of liver is dispersed each time the liver skips. The third and maybe most important feature of this kind of fishing is that the liver falls very slowly towards the bottom of the lake, much like an injured bait fish would do. the next step is to hang on tight because you never know when that heavy duty catfish will take your bait. Watch your fishing line carefull, as any move to the left or right means you have a bite. When the line goes tight. SET. THE. DAMN. HOOK.

I'll take up the subject mof bass fishing this weekend maybe and let you in a couple of secrets that have made me a damn good fisherman. I don't say that to brag, it's a simple fact. Ask anybody that really knows me. Fish. Fear. Me.

Because Toby said so.

It's Gardening Time!!!

2011-03-03T10:43:00.000-05:00

Last Years' Garden

Today is going to be a great day here in Augusta, Maine. It's the day that I am going to get out my tiny little greenhouse and sow all kinds of seeds so they'll be good and ready for the main garden. I won't be able to set up the main garden until the end of May. That was tough to handle when I first moved up here. I am used to having a garden ready for rockin' and rollin' by mid-May back in Texas. But, at least I get grow some good veggies. I think this year I am going to buy Heather a pressure cooker so we'll be able to can them for consumption at a later time.

The pictures I posted are of last summer's garden. As you can see, I do container gardening because I live in an apartment. It's not too difficult and as the plants grow, I can re-arranged them accordingly. Notice the bird feeder on the tall pole? That planter hanging next to the feeder is an example of upside down tomatoes. It works!

Upside Down Tomatoes

Here's a closer look at the Upside Down Maters. I hope my family and I can move into a hoiuse this spring, so I can have a real BIG garden. At any rate, I love my container garden and I am happy with the results I get from them. I'll probably do a lot of garden posts over the next few months, so be ready! I may have a tip for your garden that will be a big help to you. I also keep things as close to "organic" as I can. I do confess, however, that I am a Miracle Gro freak. It does wonders for plants that are containerized. I have be careful with it, though, so I don't over feed the veggies. I may post some pictures of the seed planting extravaganza later today. Issy is my gardening buddy and Bailey is the caboose in our little garden train.

Good luck with your garden and feel free to pass along any comments or pictures you'd like to share with us! We'd love to see them! Now get out there and grow something!

Because Toby said so.

Homeless Guy Finds $1400 Cash' Does the Right Thing

2011-03-02T13:41:00.001-05:00

To Robert Stauffer

You can pick up any newspaper,on any day, anywhere in this country and you'll see right there on the front page all kinds of bad news. Today, I want to bring you some good news. Some real good news.

There's a homeless guy in Pottstown, Pennsylvania who was recently doing what homeless guys do when he found envelope. But this was no ordinary envelope. The envelope that the homeless guy found had over $1400 in cash! What did the homeless guy do with it when he found it? Did he head straight for the first place he saw that served booze? He had to go to a nice restaurant and have a 30oz t-bone with a baked potato and a big ass salad? Surely he must have gone directly to a crack house and bought a rock the size of Rhode Island. Not this homeless guy. He found a name and address on the front of the envelope. he took the envelope, money and all, to the address on the front. Long story short, the original owner of the money got his cash back thanks to the homeless guy. The money-owner is a lawyer and he has set up a meeting with the homeless dude to reward him (homeless guy) for his honesty.

The homeless guy had every reason in the world to keep his mouth shut and spend that money like a mad man. Just think how many 40s he could have bought with $1400. Or how much weed. Or how much food. Or a roof over his head. Instead, he took it straight to where the money could returned to its rightful owner. Now that's what I'm talkin' about!. This homeless man's name is Robert Stauffer. Pottstown, PA should be damn proud to have Robert Stauffer as a citizen of their community, I know I'd be proud to have him mine. Robert Stauffer has set an example for every damn one of us to follow and pass on to our children. If some business owner in Pottstown, PA doesn't offer a job to man with character and honesty in spades, then you Sir/Ma'am are a poor business person. I'm just sayin'.

Personal Note to Robert Stauffer: You, my friend, have earned your way into the Toby Hall of Fame of Good Guys. You could have done a thousand things with $1400, but you, instead, did the right thing. My hat is off to you, Robert Stauffer of Pottstown, Pennsylvania. God bless you my friend and thanks for reminding us that the meek shall inherit the Earth. You are good man, Robert Stauffer.

Because Toby said so

Small Town Guy From Maine is the State's Newest Prison Bitch

2011-03-01T11:55:00.000-05:00

This Guy Gives Free Prison Bitch Lessons

Sometimes a big case of Dumbasitis is right under your nose. That is the deal right here in Maine. Just up the road a couple of hours from where I sit is the Town of Baileyville. As you may have surmised, Baileyville is little more than a hiccup on the map. I mean that literally, if you hiccup while entering Baileyville, by the time you hiccup, you'll see the "Leaving Baileyville" sign. Trust me on this.

A dipshit named Michael Bailey, no relation to the town, was arrested for robbing some people at a mobile home! "Four other people arrived at the mobile home during the incident, not knowing what was going on or that they would be robbed, according to police. Of those four, the first two people showed up by chance and also were taken hostage. Then, after Bailey allegedly ordered a resident to call and invite another man to the mobile home, two more people arrived and were held with the others at gunpoint, police indicated.
During the incident, a firearm was discharged in the mobile home and death threats were made before Bailey fled with an undisclosed amount of money, police indicated in the statement. Donahue declined to identify who is suspected of firing the gun or of making the threats.All eight people were robbed and held for about half an hour before Bailey left, according to police. Victims later told police that Bailey was the armed robber and that Fowler was his accomplice, police indicated." That's from UPI.

Michael, Michael, Michael. Rule Number 1 in being a successful criminal is to know that people who live in mobile homes are not rich! They have no possessions that are worth a shit! Do I have to tell you everything, Michael? Man up, son! Here's a hint for you, Michael. Drive around a town larger than Baileyville and look for, oh, I don't know, BIG HOUSES maybe? That's where the loot is, dumbass. It's only gets better from here. Here's more from UPI: "Then, at around 6 a.m. Monday, police received a report of shots fired at a home on Houlton Road in Baileyville. A man who lives there told police he had exchanged gunfire with a masked gunman around 4 a.m. but that the gunman then ran away. The resident called police a few minutes after his home was hit again by gunfire, police said." hang on, there's one more thing that Michael the dipshit criminal did that earns him the title of Dipshit of the Day. When he was finally stopped by the law, Michael was ready to engage in a gun fight with the heat. Not a good decision. As Mikey Boy was pulling out the gun he had used in his earlier crimes, he shot himself in the face! I. Shit. You. Not!

Needless to say, but that was the end of Michael's Baileyville Crime Spree. He's being held on $10,000 bond in the County Jail. Other charges like kidnapping are certain to be filed in the next day or two. So, I bid Michael a fond adieu as he begins his new life as a prison bitch, or as they say in the pen, "fresh meat". have a good stay, Michael. I'm sure that you'll have some great stories to tell your grand children in 6 -10 years. Frakkin' idjit.

Because Toby said so.

Issy's Friend Moves Away

2011-02-28T18:29:00.002-05:00

Editor's Note: Isabella was a brave little girl today as her best friend moved out of her apartment, just a few doors down from us and into her new home. Issy fought back some tears, but she carried on like a good soldier. Her Mom and I are very proud of her. Below is the post she wrote on her own. Misspellings and all are exactly as Issy wrote them. Enjoy.

My best friend is moving today I realy am going to miss my friend but she is only 5 miunits away from me. And we will see each other at the lake, and have sleep overs a lot this summer. my friend is ferekd out aoubot going to her new sckool , and her new home because it is next to a grave yard and the scooll she is going to is houtdid realey bad .tommoro is her last day of skcooll at my scooll .I am very sad aoubut her moving because she is going to a dferintt skcoll but i bet they will like there new home.

Out of the mouths of babes. You can see why I love this little girl so much.

Every No.1 Song from 1993 - 2011, Five Seconds at a Time

2011-02-27T09:47:00.000-05:00

I just found one of the coolest things I have seen in a long, long time. I can't embed it here, so I'll just link to it in a second. it comes from BuzzFeed.com. Somebody took an enormous amount of time to put together a "fantasia" of all the Billboard Magazine Number 1 Hot 100 songs from 1993 to 2011, into five second bits. It's a long listen, but it's certainly well worth the time. It makes a great companion when you are playing a game or reading the latest news on the internet.

Listen to it here.

Because Toby said so.

Flying Cars and Bass Boats

2011-02-26T16:43:00.000-05:00

Donations Accepted

Every once in a while, you come across a story that makes you ask the question, "What the hell is that guy smoking and can I have some too?" This story is one of those. Now, I'm not sayin' the guy in this story is stoned out of his mind, but he has, at the very least, been into the home-grown. I'm just sayin'.

Our story today takes place in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, where it's difficult to determine whether there are more fruits than nuts or vice versa. Sam Bousfield is an architect from California (that settles the fruit or nut question). Sam says that he has the know-how to build a flying car. No kiddin', a flying car. Proving that Sam stopped in Humboldt County (if you need to ask, please don't) on his way to Seattle for this meeting with potential investors in his flying car. After the computer- generated presentation, Sam was selling ~~some of his Humboldt County stash~~ the idea that his prototype car would cost about $60,000, so he was asking each of these potential investors for $2000 each towards funding his project. The article does not say whether or not Sam gave each guy who gave him the two grand a fattie. Clearly Sam has partaken of the Herb Superb way too many times in his lifetime. Then again, this could be a brilliant fund raising tool. Get the would-be investors tweaked on a joint of the good shit and first thing you know they are begging you to take their money. For a few donuts, these idiots would sign over their first born at this point. But, I digress.

I have some news for Sam. We already have flying machines that take to the air while people walk on the streets below. We call them AIRPLANES, you dipshit. There was some more bullshit details in this story that weren't worth going over and by leaving them out, it does not change the meaning of the story at all. However, if some rich guy wants to donate two large to a worthy project, I highly recommend the Toby Would Love to Have a Bass Boat Fund, a non-profit, fish slaying organization. Contact me through the comments here on the blog or at TexNetMaine AT gmail DOT com. 100% of your contribution goes directly to the Toby Would Love to Have a Bass Boat Fund. I am efficient with money like that. Donate early and donate often.

Because Toby said so.

Happy Birthday to Number 1 Son

2011-02-26T12:45:00.000-05:00

Thirty-two years ago today, I was in a delivery room at the hospital in Pasadena, Texas waiting for something I had wanted all my the-young life...a Son. I had gone through the Lemaze classes and all that stuff so I could witness up close and personal the birth of my baby. We had no idea whether the baby was a boy or girl, so the excitement of the moment was tempered with the question "Boy or girl". As it turned out, that day brought me a Son. I was overcome with emotion when the doctor said, "It's a boy!". I had a Son. Wow.

I remember one time when I was staying the night with my Dad at my Grandma's house after my parents had separated. Dad and I were laying in bed when he told me something that I remember like it happened ten minutes ago. Dad said, "I was so happy when you born. I prayed that I could have a Son for my first child." Then he went on to tell me how proud he was of me. It was such a simple occasion that produced a memory that has lasted up to today, and will continue tomorrow and every day that follows til the Good Lord calls my name. The minute my Son ws born, I thought of that story that my Dad had told me so long ago. I. Had. A. Son. Just like my Dad.

That baby that came into this world on February 29, 1979 is now 32 years old with children of his own, yet in my mind he's still that chubby little boy that I held mere seconds after he was born. That moment at that time was the happiest day of my life, hands down. I still feel the joy of that day when I think of the fine young man that my Son has become. I have never been more proud of him than I am right now.

My Son, Trey, and I have been estranged from one another for quite a few years, but that doesn't put a damper on the fact that I am his father. Quite the contrary. I love him more now than I ever have. I know that when I get to see him again, the memories of that February 26 of long ago, will come flooding back and the tears of joy will flow like Niagra Falls. I have faith that one day soon we'll work things out and everything will be OK. The Lord has said as much to me in my heart. I don't fret over when and where Trey and I will reconsile, that's up to God and His timetable. I will be here to hug my Son and tell him that I was so proud to have a Son as my first child. Just like my Dad told me. It's all good. Just like it says in 2nd Corinthians Chapter 5, Verse 7, "we walk by Faith, not by sight." It's all good. So sayeth the Lord.

Also Because Toby said so.

Son of Stoopid Newspaper Headlines!!

2011-02-25T03:28:00.001-05:00

It's only been a couple of weeks since we've ~~puked over~~ enjoyed some stoopid newspaper headlines, so today seems like a good time to do 'em again. To be honest, I am still having a tough time dealing with the death of my best friend ever. Sooooooooo, I want to do something happy, stoopid and just plain dumb as hell. Therefore, stoopid newspaper headlines wins the day. Remember as you read these headlines, they are from actual newspapers from all over the country. OK, let's get busy!

A fine example of the tax dollars of the fine citizens of Laguna Beach, California at work. If the dumbass City Council would shut their pie holes long enough to make a decision, they just might do something good for their constituents. Idjits.

I wish I would have known this earlier, I would have stayed in bed all day. Thanks for nothing, asswipes.

When they do start talkin' to the cops, please let me know in advance. I'm haulin' ass to the nearest place where dead folks don't talk to the cops or anyone else for that matter.

Can we have a vote on that? Dumbasses.

I got nothin'.

Somebody obviously learned math at a Public School.

All I can say is that I am beyond glad that it wasn't the Men's team they were talking about.

I'm sure the Players' Union will have something to say about this.

And last but not least...

Discretion is the better part of valor. I ain't gonna say a damn thing.

Because Toby said so.

Celebs and Their Real Names

2011-02-24T16:05:00.000-05:00

Carlos Irwin Estevez

I want to do something today that is completely stoopid, yet mildly entertaining. Once upon a time, I was a celebrity. Seriously. My main gig was as a Radio On-Air Personality. However, I also did some local TV stuff like Co-hoisting the Friday Night Scary Movie that aired on one of the local TV stations as well as voice over and on camera TV commercials. My face was plastered on billboard all across Wichita Falls and some other stuff of that kind. I tell you this not to brag, but to make a point. My radio name was Toby Dillon and everybody, including my Mother called me Toby. Everybody still does. being well-known, even if it's just to a few hundred thousand people is a good gig. Almost weekly, I would have someone ask me for me real name, which I guarded like gold in Fort Knox. There are lots of reasons for that, but that's another story. Nowadays, you can look online find some really famous guy's real name in a few keystrokes.

People are eat up with that shit about celebrities. It seems that we just can get enough info on them, whether it's his/her real name, hometown, favorite food, a million things. So, today I am going to link you to a site that does this kind of stuff for a living. But, before I do, I want to give you a couple of examples of some very famous people and their stage names as well as their given names. Did you know that Bruce Willis' real names is Walter Willis? Or that my fellow Texan Chuck Norris is really Carlos Ray Norris?

I have a link to over 75 more celebs and their natural born names right here. Some of these names you may have known before now but others will be a bit of a surprise to you. Have fun just being lazy and goofy for a few minutes. Tell your boss that I said it was OK.

Because Toby said so.

.

A Tribute to My Brother - Tommy Thompson UPDATED (scroll down for update)

2011-02-23T11:52:00.004-05:00

Tommy Would Laugh His Ass Off at This

Today is a bittersweet day for me. Here I am with a wonderful family, plenty to eat and a roof over my head. Yet a part of me is missing today. February 23 is the birth date of the best friend a man could ever have. Sadly, my friend is not here to celebrate with us or his adoring wife, whom he loved so very much. many of you reading this post will recognize the name of my late friend. His name was Tommy Thompson. If Tommy were here today we would have been friends for forty years. But Tommy and I were much more than just beer drinking buddies, we were brothers, in the truest sense of the word. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count how many times Tommy and I would have several cold beers and just talk about life. Trust me when I say we did that alot. And Adolph Coors thanks us.

I didn't find out that Tommy had died until about two years after the fact. I found out about it on one of the Nimitz High School Alum sites. I was devastated. I had lost my brother to that most hideous of diseases, cancer. God, I wish I could have been there when he was sick. My sister, Cheryl, goes to church at the same church as Tommy's widow, Rita. Rita told Cheryl that as Tommy lay on his death bed, he wanted to"call my brother, Cecil". I feel like somebody is kickin' me in the gut every time I think of that. When Tommy needed a brother, I wasn't there for him. It hurts my heart real bad. But, I'm sure Tommy understood and forgave me. Still, I feel physically ill because I didn't get one last chance to tell him how much he had touched my life. He helped through some of the toughest times of my life back then and never asked for a thing in return. I don't want to get too mushy, I know Tommy is looking down from his place in Heaven and isn't liking the fact that I am making a big deal about his life and death. God, it pains me to write that word, "death", about my brother. As I have said before, I hope that I was half the friend to him that he was to me. Tommy was one of God's gifts to me. A gift I treasure to this day. A friend, a beer drinking buddy, a brother. Put simply, Tommy Thompson was a good man.

Because Toby said so.

I love you, Tommy.
Your brother,
Toby

UPDATE: My wife, Heather, left a comment on this story a few minutes ago. I originally was going to write something similar, but she said it much better than I ever could. Heather said:

SimplyHeather said...: I am so sorry for your pain honey, I know I cannot take it away. However maybe this will reach someone who has that special friend that you found in Tommy and that person is still alive. Maybe through your experience someone out there will say " I wonder where so and so is" and go forth in getting a hold of them. Its so easy to lose connections to friends when family and children and life happens. Maybe through your story someone will stop for a minute and let that friend know exactly how much they touched their life while they still have the chance to say so.; February 23, 2011 6:40 PM