Becky's Blog

Pouring Rain In The Sunshine

beckygrrl — Sun, 31 May 2015 07:52:56 GMT

It hasn’t been a good week.

Last weekend, my Mom became nauseous and…well, let’s not go into further graphic detail except to say that was hardly the end of it, not by a long shot. By Tuesday night she was in the hospital and they discharged her today. There’s only one problem: She’s still sick. Mom is close to 300 pounds and she can barely walk so getting her up a flight of stairs to her bedroom took my brother Todd and I the better part of two hours. I’m no doctor but there’s no way in hell I can see that she should have been discharged from the hospital in the condition she’s in.

I’m very upset with the level of care Mom got at St. Peter’s Hospital. Not that the doctors, nurses, and everyone else didn’t physically take good care of her while she was there, but the information flow leaves a lot to be desired. No one seemed to have any answers when my brothers and I asked about her condition. No one gave us any instructions on how to care for her at home. We couldn’t even get a conversation with her doctor.

Basically, the hospital discharged her while she’s still a complete invalid, gave us no help in understanding her condition or how to care for her, and now, because it’s the weekend, there’s no one even there to talk to. She was sent home with a prescription for a Visiting Nurse and physical therapy but right now we have no idea when that will start or even when we’ll be able to talk to someone to arrange it. St. Peter’s just turfed her out with seemingly little if any concern for the rest of her recovery, and this is a woman with excellent insurance.

So right now, it’s just me here, completely stressed out and unable to sleep. My back is on fire from having to half-carry her up that flight of stairs but I can’t take a pain pill because if I do I’ll sleep so deeply I may not hear her if she wakes and needs me.

The house stinks of shit. I don’t know how to care for her. If she needs to get up to go to the bathroom, there’s no way I can possibly lift her myself.

I don’t know what the fuck to do and I'm scared.

The End of the Beginning

beckygrrl — Sat, 18 Apr 2015 04:25:43 GMT

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” – Rose Kennedy

Today I met my surgeon in person for the first time and got a date for SRS and breast enhancement. I thought my world had changed when I made the decision to transition. Then I thought the same thing when I decided to seek surgery. The truth is, I didn't have a clue.

It's real now, realer than it's ever been before. I have a date, July 16th. I can count the days. This, more than any other single milestone in this process, has changed my perspective more completely than anything else, and in real and important ways.

It's like I've finally taken blinders off, blinders which I wore willfully and intentionally for decades to prevent myself from dwelling too deeply on the state of my body. Now, I'm allowing myself to see myself as I was meant to be, and it's just everything. Everything.

I've always known myself to be a suicide risk since I was a teenager and so over the years I put up mental barriers to allow me to function and at least be reasonably happy. It hasn't always worked, but it's a coping mechanism that's definitely at least partially responsible for my being able to reach this point in my life alive.

Now it's like I'm seeing myself for the first time. Not that deep down I didn't know all this about myself before, I just didn't let myself think about it too much. I’m not in some sort of euphoric fog thinking that everything’s going to be sunshine and rainbows once I’ve had my surgery, but I am allowing myself, maybe for the first time in my life, to fully see myself as the woman I’ve always wanted to be. In other words, I’m allowing myself to think about what’s going on below my waistline.

I’m so used to protecting myself from going places within myself that could be too upsetting or depressing, that I actually have to remind myself it’s safe now. I can go there. I can even live there, as I probably will for much of the next few months. I’m able to explore parts of my psyche now that are almost in some ways new to me, and yet entirely myself. All at once it makes no sense and it makes perfect sense.

I know this is a really gross analogy, but it’s the one that works best. What I’m feeling right now is akin to how you feel when you’ve had to pee for a really, really long time and finally get to a bathroom and let it all out. The way your body just completely unclenches and relaxes as you release all the bad stuff from within you.

Ninety days. That’s not a very long time, especially compared to how long I’ve already waited. Doesn’t matter. I have a date now, and it’s everything.

Like a Tank Ran Over Me

beckygrrl — Sun, 08 Mar 2015 01:29:32 GMT

Well, it seems I’ve managed to successfully throw my back out today, which is just lovely. I took my last Vicoden but it’s not doing much. Shit.

I’m going to be having a bazillion medical tests very soon to clear me for surgery so I wasn’t planning on seeing a doctor until then. If this doesn’t improve soon I may have no choice. In the meantime, it’s a good thing I have a comfortable chair in front of my computer. A very good thing indeed.

Of course, the problem with Vicoden and other drugs like it is that it makes me loopy. Writing on it is like swimming through pudding: You get where you’re going eventually, but not quickly or easily. I write a sentence then zone off for a few minutes. I’d never write anything for publication on this, but it can make blogging…interesting.

Another thing Vicoden does is make you pretty useless mentally. Basically days like today are video gaming days because that’s about all I can handle, and even there I have to be careful because anything too complex isn’t going to be something I’m able to play competently.

I spent a fair amount of time playing Guild Wars 2 today. It’s pretty easy to follow and play so it’s been entertaining while I’m swacked. I just need this to go away by next Friday. I’ve got the LGBT Media Convening in Philly next weekend and I’d really prefer not to be a cripple while I’m there.

In some ways, being over 50 can really suck.

Turning Point

beckygrrl — Sat, 21 Feb 2015 03:21:40 GMT

Last night on the show, I announced that I’m putting the wheels in motion for a surgery date in the spring. Today, I went to my shrink’s for my girl juice shot and did exactly that. It’s put me in an interesting and even somewhat unexpected place.

For many years, surgery wasn’t an option for me. The money just wasn’t there. Now the money’s there, and I’ve had it for a while. I just had to work out in my head that the time is right. And now, I believe it is. It’s time to finish what I started 18 years ago.

I thought I’d have at least some mixed feelings about this, but I don’t. I’m as sure this is right for me as I’ve been of just about anything in my life. I’m almost 53, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t have any more time to waste.

I want the thing gone, and I’m now in a position to make that happen. I feel like I’ve been trapped in a kind of middlespace for 18 years and I’m finally about to reach my destination. No apologies, no second thoughts, no regrets. I know who I am and how I want to live the rest of my life. I’ve gotten this far on sheer determination and force of will and those will carry me through as well as they always have.

Well, those and one other very important thing I don’t feel is quite ripe for public consumption just yet. Maybe one day, when and if the time is right, I’ll tell that part of the story. That day isn’t today, though. No, that part of the story is still being written.

More soon. I think I feel another series coming on.

Shot Day

beckygrrl — Tue, 20 Jan 2015 03:50:48 GMT

In my “Pink Fire” series, I wrote about how estrogen can be a pretty effective antidepressant, at least for me anyway. Earlier today I got another shot and damn if I don’t feel good. I mean sure, it was a pretty good week. Not much to complain about. Even with that, though, I still just feel exceptionally good and I know at least part of that is the estro.

Nothing can go wrong on shot day.

Everything in my life is perfectly synchronized on shot day.

Nothing and no one can piss me off on shot day.

It may be freezing cold, rainy, and windy outside, but for me it’s all pink-hued sunshine, puffy clouds, and rainbows on shot day.

All’s right with the world and I don’t much care if it really isn’t on shot day.

Tomorrow, I’ll wake up and life will be back to normal, or at least as close to normal as my life gets these days, but not today…today is perfect.

Today is shot day.

Catching The Wind

beckygrrl — Mon, 19 Jan 2015 05:43:29 GMT

Ok, I admit it. I’m enjoying the hell out of this. I changed my Facebook cover photo and profile pic to shots of me on Out There. Even better, I posted something a couple of days ago about not being happy with the jeans and sneakers I wore on the show, and that I went to Lane Bryant to get a nice outfit in case there’s a next time. Thomas Roberts commented on my post and said there will many more times and to get some television staples ready. I intend to do just that.

When I started writing and doing radio about trans people and issues, there was almost nothing out there. It was a huge deal for me the first time I got paid for writing, an op-ed on ENDA for the Washington Blade. It was an even bigger deal when I did a year as the trans columnist for the Rehoboth Beach Gayzette.

Now, I’ve worked for the Advocate website, I’ve had a piece published in the Advocate print magazine, I write a biweekly column for the South Florida Gay News and a quarterly column for The Mirror Magazine, and I’ve been on national mainstream news media talking trans issues.

Never in a million years did I think I’d ever be asked to be on television, on or offline. I’ve always joked that I have a face made for radio, but it seems those standards may be changing, at least a little. What’s even more interesting is that I’ve always believed that I probably wasn’t suited for a visual medium like television in either appearance or temperament. Yet, once I sat on that couch it was so easy, so natural. To be honest, I just tuned out the cameras and had a great conversation. Once I did that, I wasn’t nervous or concerned at all.

I think sometimes, and with some things, I need to have a little more faith in myself. On the other hand, a little nervousness keeps me sharp and on my toes and that’s definitely not a bad thing. Balance…it’s all about balance.

Damn it, I wish Dad could see me now.

Leaning Forward

beckygrrl — Fri, 16 Jan 2015 06:31:13 GMT

So yesterday I was a guest on a new show, Out There with Thomas Roberts on MSNBC’s new digital platform Shift. Thomas Roberts is a sweetheart, and Abby Huntsman is really nice too. I have to admit I was a little nervous. It’s just not the same thing as doing radio in a little room by myself or even a webcam panel show like HuffPost Live.

A car picked me up at 6:30am and I arrived at Rockefeller Center about an hour later. I checked in at the visitors center and went up to the studio floor where I spent a little over an hour in the makeup room. Those ladies are miracle workers. Then a few minutes in the green room before we were ushered into the studio.

It’s interesting how the set is nice and clean and camera-friendly, but many of the areas of the studio just out of camera range are a kind of organized chaos of cameras, electronics, and wiring. The show’s studio audience was actually the guests plus a few of the MSNBC folks who were watching.

When it was time for my segment I sat down on the couch with Thomas and Abby Huntsman and I have admit I was a little nervous at first that I’d flub or screw up somehow. And then Thomas asked his first question and it was all right there, right when I needed it. It was as easy talking on the radio, maybe even easier. Goddess, I had a great time.

Most importantly, though, I’m happy that I did well and every single opinion I’ve seen expressed was positive. I got a chance to represent the trans community’s voice in mainstream media and I apparently did a good job. Many trans women expressed how happy they were that someone who looked more like them than stunning women like Janet and Laverne was representing them on the show. It feels so great to have been able to fill that role. I hope they ask me again.

And so, it appears I rocked it. It just doesn’t get any better than the way I feel right now.

Swinging Doors

beckygrrl — Wed, 14 Jan 2015 02:58:06 GMT

It seems my concern about losing a friend over my piece on Our Lady J was valid. Really, really disappointing. It's become clear to me that this woman's issue with my piece isn't really about whether or not my arguments are valid, but rather it seems she's upset that I didn't just fall in line like a good little girl and join the crowd that thinks any good, or as in this case great, trans-relevant mainstream media and anyone involved with it should be immune to criticism from our own community.

I'm sorry, but I just can't buy into that kind of thinking. I like to think the stuff I do is quality work, and the attention and respect I get as a result seems to justify that belief. Regardless of my personal notoriety, though, I've never been immune to being publicly criticized from within the trans community by those who disagree with me for whatever reason. That's the way it should be for everyone, and that includes Hollywood too. After all those years of being portrayed as cartoons and loonies, I don't think it's unreasonable that trans people want a say in how we're represented in the media now.

When you get right down to it, that's what got me started doing radio for the trans community. I was tired of only having GenderTalk as the one and only trans-specific media offering out there. I wanted coverage on stories Nancy Nangeroni, the host of GenderTalk, didn’t want to cover. I wanted more trans-specific media than was available at the time so I teamed up with another trans woman and we created our own Internet radio show. We couldn’t find what we were looking for elsewhere so we made it ourselves.

Tomorrow, I’m going to do something I’ve never done before, and I’m very excited about it. I’m not going to get specific just yet, but soon enough everyone will know. I wish I could be less cryptic, and I will be, just not quite yet.

So, it seems the old adage proves true, at least for the moment: One door closes and another door opens.

I’m ready.

Aftershocks

beckygrrl — Sun, 11 Jan 2015 05:18:02 GMT

I'm not 100% certain yet, but I may have lost a friend over this OLJ thing. That's disappointing, but I'm still not going to apologize for that piece. I believe it was good work and I continue to stand by it. What bothers me most is that it seems some people are simply assuming my motives were impure, but they can offer no actual evidence why.

I've now lost track of how many times I've been compared to Parker Molloy in the last week. It's kind of funny if you think about it. I was around for many years before Parker appeared, so if anything she should be compared to me.

The reality is, as I've acknowledged many times in the past, that Parker and I do share certain similarities as trans women and as journalists, but there's a lot of difference too. It seems that for some the positive response the piece got and the support I got from the community for writing it is seen as having the same sort of cult of personality Parker once had. I don't see it that way. I believe that people are supporting me in this not because they think I'm personally so wonderful, but because they think I'm right.

I suspect what some folks don't understand about me is I'm not only pro-trans, I'm also staunchly working class. It's where I come from, it's who I am, and it's how I see the world. I don't get starstruck very easily these days. Maybe that comes with the territory. I've met and interacted with so many of these folks now that I tend to see them as people rather than icons. I don't know. All I can tell you is I don't live in fear of offending these folks. I tell the truth as I see it regardless.

I couldn't do what I do if I engaged in the kind of self-censorship that some seem to expect of me. I didn't go out of my way to hurt OLJ, but I didn't shy away from speaking my mind on her winning the contest either. I don't see it as hurting the community, as at least one person has suggested, to argue for better representation. I think it's exactly the kind of thing a community opinion journalist should be doing. When push comes to shove, I'm always going to put what I believe are the best interests of the trans community first, even if some don't agree with me on what those best interests are.

It was a very long time ago when I figured out that no matter what I write or say on the air, someone's likely to have a problem with it and I'll end up being a target. If I'd let that stop me, I'd have given up on this work long ago. I've had conflicts about my work with activists, journalists, readers, listeners, and more. It's simply part of the job.

Another truth is that after a while you start to understand why so many trans activists burn out early and retreat from the online community. It's not that they stop caring, they just want to stop dealing with all the drama.

Yeah, I've thought about it. I'll be 53 in a few months, and I think that's when a lot of people start to think about slowing down. Not me. I can't. Not yet, and probably not for a long time. I still have too much to do. I still care too much to even consider stopping.

That said, I do think I'm going to start spending more time working on my book. I haven't been doing much on that recently and I need to get back into it. My goal is to have at least a full first draft done by no later than the end of the year. Once I have that, then I'll have to enlist some help in figuring out if it's gold or garbage. I just hope it doesn't suck.

The truth is that right now, the single greatest joy I have as a writer is my column, Transforming Gender. I love column writing. I get to write about anything trans-related I want and I love that kind of freedom. Sure, I have that same freedom as a blogger, but getting paid matters. Having my columns appear in South Florida Gay News and The Mirror Magazine matters. Getting paid to write my passion matters.

I have that same passion about my book too, but writing my book is a much more intense experience than writing a column. With the book I have to dig deep into places in my psyche I may not have visited in a while and that's not always an easy thing to do. When I began the book, I promised myself that I was going all in, that my memoir is going to be the best thing I've ever written. I believe that's achievable, but I need to put more consistent effort into it. My day is clear tomorrow so I think it's going to be a book writing day.

Hopefully, things will work out. It always hurts to lose a friend, but compromising my values is even less palatable. There are a lot of things I'll do for a friend, but not that. I just can't. I hope she can accept that.

Fingers crossed.

Blood and Ink

beckygrrl — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 06:44:51 GMT

I remember when I got my first and thus far only tattoo. It was 1982 and I was living the punk life. A friend and I trekked out to Coney Island to the studio of a tattoo artist called Huggy Bear (and yes he was big and hairy, but no, I have no idea about his sexuality…remember, 1982). The friend I was with got himself a grim reaper on his right bicep, complete with gravestones and spooky purple sky.

I’d wanted a tattoo for a long time by then and I’d thought long and hard about what I wanted. In the previous year I’d become a rabid Joan Jett and the Blackhearts fan for both musical and personal reasons (you’ll have to wait for my book for that story), so I decided on a black heart surrounded by flames on the top of my right shoulder. It’s slightly larger than a (US) quarter. Not quite as impressive as a grim reaper, I suppose, but infinitely more meaningful to me.

When Andrea James called me a “transbian” something clicked in me that this was a word I wanted to take ownership for myself. I want it inked on my body. Ok, I still haven’t decided exactly where I want it placed, but I need this word on me.

Here’s why:

“Transbian” was, in my opinion, used by Andrea James in a derogatory manner to describe me, in much the same way as she had used the term to describe Parker Molloy months previously. I suppose it’s arguable, as one activist complained to me today, that the term is homophobic, given that (I believe) it was used as a way to demean and disparage me.

As a writer, however, I also know that context is everything. Instead of accepting this in the way I believe it was intended, I choose to take possession of this word for myself and write it on my body as an expression of who I am. I will neither seek nor recognize the PC permission of any activist or group to do so. It’s my body and I’ll decorate it as I see fit.

There’s also a weird little odd semi-symmetry for me with this word which I find intriguing. Follow this, if you can:

Months ago, Parker Molloy called Noah Michelson “awful” and in response Noah had the word done as a tattoo (of which he has quite a few). When Andrea James called me a “transbian”, I had a kind of mini-epiphany and decided that doing what Noah had done with the word Parker had thrown at him was the correct response for me as well.

I feel that I have a positive connection to that word. It describes me in a way I’m comfortable with and I think fits my self-image. The “fuck you factor” (Andrea says it’s not seen as a slur and she may be correct in her own social circles but I don’t live in LA, I come from New York. It’s a very different place.) is also very attractive to me because of who I am and what I do. There’s also personal threads trailing from this word for me about my experience as a trans media maker and the way people who push the boundaries like Parker and I find ourselves as targets from others in our community and sometimes even fellow trans people.

I’m not comparing myself to Parker. We are similar to each other in some significant ways, but what she did to earn the anger of the community is very different than what I’ve done. Parker verbally attacked trans women directly and personally and cause real personal harm. I wrote an oped that struck a nerve in the community and caused people to take sides. It’s by no means the first time I’ve done it, and I doubt it will be the last.

Sure, I’ve bruised some egos and I’m going to get pushback for it, but that comes with the territory. I’m a big girl, and I knew what I was getting into when I started doing this work. I’ve been accused of all kinds of things, hidden agendas, profit-driven motivations (I wish), malicious intent, and on and on apparently whatever someone thinks will stick.

What I’ve really appreciated are all the people, so many trans women and our allies, who are supporting me in this. It means a lot to me and I’m truly grateful. It’s good to know my sisters and friends have my back.

I’m ok with all of it, and I’ll get through. I’ve been doing this a long time and I’ve got the battle scars to prove it.

And as soon as I pick a font, design, and maybe a background, I’ll have a new tattoo as well.

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

beckygrrl — Tue, 06 Jan 2015 05:32:16 GMT

So, John Becker ran the piece at Bilerico and LGBT Facebook, or at least the section of it I’m connected to, pretty much exploded. I knew the piece was going to be controversial. What I didn’t know was how quickly people would factionalize over it. Suddenly it was trans women versus gay men, again…not entirely, there was definitely overlap on both sides, but the battle lines were pretty clearly drawn.

What I didn’t realize when I wrote the piece was how many people would misconstrue my arguments, throw in totally irrelevant stuff that has nothing to do with what I actually wrote, and on top of that I suspect most people commenting on the piece didn’t even bother to watch the video I based it on. I noticed several times where people were making comments that clearly revealed they hadn’t seen the video.

I spent most of the afternoon and evening chatting about it on Facebook and I must have had to repeat myself ten times in the same thread. I swear, I think some of these people don’t even bother to read the conversation before they just start typing with no understanding of the discussion they’re jumping into.

Yeah, yeah, I know, welcome to the Internet.

This thing struck a nerve like nothing I’ve published in a while, and I think there’s a reason for that. I think most trans women were expecting someone a lot more like the person they see in the mirror to get that slot. I know I was. I think those expectations should have been better met than they were.

People are putting stuff onto me that just isn’t there. I don’t hate OLJ and I never claimed to. I just think she’s an asshole. I really have no other feelings about her personally because I’ve had no opportunity to interact with her except once very briefly. I take issue with her stated positions and attitudes, which she willingly offered on a video that anyone can watch and judge for themselves. I believe it’s OLJ who disqualified herself as a credible representative of trans women with her own words.

I also think it’s interesting that it’s mainly trans women, the people who’s perspectives OLJ was hired to ensure are included on the writer’s team, who are supporting my position on this, and mainly gay men who seem to think this woman walks on water. Several spent the evening tryng to mansplain to me why I’m so horribly wrong and OLJ actually shoots blue, white, and pink rainbows out of her ass.

I’m sorry, I just don’t buy it. I think OLJ was the wrong choice for this job. I think the job should have gone to a trans woman writer who better reflects the kind of characters Transparent is trying to portray.

I want representation that makes me feel like I’m being represented, or it’s not really representation at all. I’m far from alone in that, and I think the feedback the piece has gotten bears that out.

In the end, I think it boils down to just one question: If you want to put the perspectives of trans women on your writing staff, and trans women tell you that we don’t feel the choice to you made accomplishes that goal, shouldn’t that be considered relevant?

I mean, honestly, who knows the hearts and minds of trans women better than trans women?

If trans women tell you that we don’t feel the person you picked to represent us actually does, in fact, represent us, then maybe you should listen.

Lock and Load

beckygrrl — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 04:05:17 GMT

So, it’s been a while since I posted here, and I’m in a weird place right now. On a personal and career level, last year was freaking amazing, and yet, I feel like I could be doing more on a lot of fronts. I could certainly use more freelance work (when isn’t that ever true?), but what I really want is something stable, something reliable, and if it’s doing what I love for my community, so much the better. That said, a paycheck is a paycheck, so if things don’t pick up soon I’m going to have to look at other options. I really don’t want to, but if something doesn’t come through soon, I have to face reality and try going back into retail.

Fuck retail. I hate retail. Retail blows. I did retail for 20 years and that’s more than enough.

Obviously, I want to write. I want to do radio. I want to make media. I need a regular paycheck though.

I constantly have this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’m missing opportunities. I can’t point to any particular reason, but it’s there, all the time. I constantly feel like the moment is passing me by. Again.

One opportunity I’m upset/annoyed about missing was the Transparent writing contest. I didn’t even know it was happening until they announced the finalists. Who knows if I’m a good enough fiction writer, but I’d have liked to have been able to at least give it a shot. Now, that moment is past. Damn. Even worse, the woman they chose was the worst possible choice I could imagine. I’d probably feel better about missing my own chance if the slot had gone to someone who really represents the community well, but instead they gave it to that elitist jerk Our Lady J.

I decided to write nearly 1300 words on Our Lady J’s selection for Transparent and basically shred her. Full disclosure, it’s fair to mention that I have come into conflict with this woman personally, albeit briefly. She’s not a nice person. My opinion is that she’s an elitist snob who think she’s better than her trans sisters. I don’t like her, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get at least some personal satisfaction out of writing that piece.

Despite that, there are many people who are not on my favorite people list who I don’t shred. I wrote the piece because I honestly do believe that OLJ was a horrible choice for the show. In fact, there’s no trans woman I can think of who is less qualified to represent the trans community in anything, much less the writing team of a popular television show.

I’ve offered the piece around but so far no bites. Even HuffPo won’t touch it. It’s in the hopper at Bilerico and I hope John Becker lets it run. It’s definitely bomb-level, but unlike my last one this one’s going to be published no matter what, even if I end up publishing it here and maybe on Facebook as well.

I was really pissed off at Parker Molloy when I built my last bomb but I allowed myself to be talked out of publishing it because I wasn’t really interested in hurting Parker, I just wanted her to stop attacking our sisters. What I really wanted was for Parker to get the help she needed and make the decision moot. So, I stuck the unpublished piece in a folder where I can always dig it out again if it’s ever needed. So far it hasn’t been and I’m glad.

I have no such concerns or sympathies with OLJ. I really don’t care what happens to her other than she’s hopefully replaced on the Transparent writing team. OLJ has made it quite clear that she doesn’t want to be seen as one of us, as part of the trans community. I say she should get her wish.

Pink Fire - The Re-Ignition

beckygrrl — Fri, 24 Oct 2014 04:35:21 GMT

Now I have to admit I didn't expect this...although I guess I probably should have. I'm having a unanticipated problem when I wear some of my jeans. I always shop in the women's department of course, but I've always found that the "Boy Cut" jeans fit me best because I have no hips to speak of. The problem is that it appears that that's no longer the case.

Today I wore a pair of my "Boy Cut" jeans and they've been chafing because they're suddenly too narrow in the hips. "Suddenly" as in I just noticed it for the first time today. I've been on the shot/premarin/spiro regimen for all of a week now and while I suspect the additional meds may be accelerating the process, I think I was already almost there with just the shots.

Another thing I'm noticing is that I'm liking what I see when I look in the mirror. A lot. I'll never be Miss America, but as long as it's Miss something, I'm ok with it. And yet, when the food delivery guy came to the door tonight there was what I'll call a mutual recognition of Queerness. He clearly clocked me as trans at the same moment I clocked him as gay and there was a brief knowing glance as I thanked him and paid him for the food. I'm pretty ok with that too.

I've never hidden, never woodworked, never gone out of my way to try to hide my trans status, and yet, the realization that I'm already almost unclockable and becoming moreso as my body continues to feminize is very exciting to me. The idea that it's within the realm of possibility that I could just fade into society as a woman, maybe even hold down a real full-time job again, is very enticing.

Of course, I'd never do it. I can't imagine not making media for this community, no matter what I'm doing to earn a living. That said, I'm seriously considering something I'd have never considered even a week ago: Getting back into retail management. I have the skills and I have the experience. The question is can I get a company to hire me? Can and should I go into an interview with the intent of never revealing my trans status, if that's even possible (my physical body is changing but, of course, my voice isn't)?

That said, this is New Jersey and it is 2014. Even if I'm clocked it may not matter. Besides, I really don't want to hide even if I'm able to. If there's going to be a problem, better to find out sooner than later, when and if it's discovered.

I don't know. I have to think about this. My hips are growing but are my employment prospects in retail? I don't know, but I think at this point I have to find out. I can't afford to keep living on what I make as a freelancer, and now the new hormones are going to cost a lot to keep up. I have to do something, and maybe that's going back to trying to rely on my most marketable skill: retail management.

I'll write more when I have a clue.

Pink Fire (Special Spiro Edition)

beckygrrl — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 05:08:08 GMT

So my new doc added spiro to the mix, and it's making me feel, well, interesting. It's not at all the same as the estro and yet related. I literally just took my first one about 2 hours ago, and I can already feel...something. It doesn't seem to be impacting me emotionally, at least, not yet. There is a noticeable and distinct physical effect though.

It's interesting...from now on I'll have more feminizing substances in my body than I have in probably 10 years (I think that was the last time I was taking spiro). Call it a hunch but I think it's going to be interesting.

It's insane how much this stuff has shot up in price. I remember when I was on Premarin last time, 30 pills cost me about $40. Now it's over $120. In-fucking-sane.

Oh this is indeed getting interesting. As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm getting "waves" of...I'm not sure how to describe it...comfort? Relaxation? Mellowness? I'm not exactly stoned or anything like that. My head is clear, but my body is soooooo relaxed that I feel like I'm melting into the chair. I suppose that much like the physical effects of estro this will become less noticeable the longer I'm on spiro, but right now I am feeling fine...very fine.

I think I'll sleep well tonight.

Dancing On The Edge

beckygrrl — Tue, 02 Sep 2014 04:46:53 GMT

On Saturday I built a bomb.

No, not the kind of bomb that goes boom and physically destroys things. I built the kind of bomb I have a lot of practice creating, the kind made from blunt thoughts and sharp opinions. I’d probably want to polish it up a bit and make it a little prettier before setting it off, but I have no doubt that this particular bomb would have at least some impact should I decide to set it off.

I’ve written to a few people I trust and who’s opinions I respect for advice. Should I push the button? Would I be placing myself at risk by doing so? Would I then be responsible for causing a greater level of harm than the reason I built the bomb in the first place?

I’m comfortable answering in the negative to that final question, but the first two I’m not so sure about. And yes, it matters, because it has to, because I get paid for this now. That means I have certain obligations. Being a freelancer means that my obligations are different than those of a staffer or other regular employee, but they’re not non-existent.

So, I have to tread carefully. Knowing that, I built the bomb anyway. One reason I did it was because I had some feelings I needed to work out in print. Another was that even though I’m not as prone to bomb-throwing as I used to be, I like to keep in practice anyway. It’s a skill that’s come in handy more times than I can count. The surgeon’s scalpel can be a very effective tool, but it’s always a good idea to have something with a little more kick handy, just in case.

What comes next? I don’t know yet, but I have a feeling I will soon.

Untitled

beckygrrl — Mon, 25 Aug 2014 01:42:46 GMT

I sit upon the precipice, watching.

In the distance, I see a bright light, clearly noticeable amidst a sea of hundreds, perhaps thousands of others. I see the bright light lash out at one of her smaller sisters, causing her to dim just a bit. The bright light then attacks another, and this time causes her target to become even dimmer than the first.

I’ve seen this before. The bright light has done this many times in the past. The bright light has even tried to attack me, but she knows she cannot harm me as she has the others. We’re too much alike, she and I, and I understand her too well. I know the rage that burns within her because it burns within me too. Her rage cannot possibly damage me more than my own already has and so I am immune. I’ve fought this battle for most of my life and my defenses are solid now.

I came to terms with my rage long ago. I allow it to drive me but never to consume me. Rage is a powerful tool, especially when mated with passion, and it can lead us to create great and wonderful things. But the power of rage also has a dark side. As it can be used in one way to create, it can be used in another way to destroy and cause pain. What’s more, rage can be contagious, with unanticipated results. The bright light will have to learn this lesson for herself in the same way as I did, the hard way.

The bright light’s first target isn’t vanquished. I watch with interest as she begins to glow brighter and the lights around her also begin to glow brighter and move closer to her in support. She strikes back hard, and the bright light is knocked back. The bright light sputters, flares, and then winks out.

Many hours later, the bright light reappears but her glow does not appear quite as bright as it was before. The light which was once the bright light’s first target now glows even brighter as other lights continue to rally around her. I think to myself that this one may become a bright light herself one day.

I sit upon the precipice, watching, and I know that this is not over.

Simmering

beckygrrl — Sat, 09 Aug 2014 20:31:02 GMT

There was a time, not really all that long ago, when I’d probably have been best described as a writer as a bomb-thrower. You can go through the archives of my contributions to The Bilerico Project and the Huffington Post over the years for plenty of examples. I was good at it, and it was satisfying on a personal level. I enjoyed writing those pieces and I believed in what I wrote.

I don’t write like that much anymore, and it’s not because I believe any less in what I did when I wrote those pieces, nor is it an effort to become more marketable. It’s simply part of the never-ending process of finding my voice as a writer. I believe I do my best, most effective writing when I go for the emotional side of the story rather than just dropping bombs. I’ve found this to be true on the radio as well.

When I started working for The Advocate, I came to the conclusion that if I’m to have any sort of real chance at a career as a journalist, opinionated or otherwise (and let’s be honest, there’s always a certain pro-LGBT bias in our community media), the hit pieces and the bomb-throwing had to stop. At the very least, I had to start using these tactics more sparingly and more artfully than I had been. A good writer can make the same points in any number of different ways. Employing a “scorched earth” strategy not only isn’t always the best option to make one’s argument just in general, but doing so too often tends to brand you as a certain type of writer.

When I was younger, that brand was appealing to me. I enjoyed pushing the envelope, riling people up, creating conversation and maybe even generating a little controversy. Truth be told, I still love it and I do as much of it as I feel I can get away with, as anyone who listens to my show knows well. At the same time, I’m also conscious of the fact that unlike when I was throwing bombs freely I’m getting paid for my writing now and that does make a difference.

I’m no longer only speaking for myself, I’m doing it under the banners of commercial media companies as a paid freelancer. If controversy stirs up around something I write, it can and likely will reflect on me professionally and possibly on the company I work for. I’m ok with that. As a writer, I stand behind what I write and I expect my editors to back me up. At the same time, however, why would I go out of my way to express my opinions in a way that would cause a lot of the people I want to read my work to tune out? I’m often finding it far more effective to take a more reasonable tack, pull on the heartstrings if appropriate, and make my points in a way that lends itself to more discussion.

There’s a place for bomb-throwing and open conflict in our discourse. It’s part of who we are as a community and it always has been. It would be easy for me to now drag out the tired old trope that this sort of thing is for younger folks, but the truth is that most of us have engaged in it to one degree or another over the years. The question now, at least for me, is when is that tool in my writer’s toolbox the right one to reach for and when would the end goal be best served by a more reserved and surgical approach?

In large part, it’s about access. Some of the younger folks in our community may not remember a time when it was next to impossible to find more than just a handful of media offerings intended for trans people, but those of us who have been a part of this community as long as I have do. Those doors are finally opening now, but it took a really long time. Media employers tend to be more risk-adverse than most and a cloud of controversy constantly swirling around a writer isn’t going to make her an attractive commercial media hire.

Similarly, when I’m interviewing someone who may be controversial such as Andrea James I’ll challenge them but I won’t attack them. The difference is that if I ask someone a question and they answer it directly and honestly, I’m not going to follow-up with a “But why don’t you agree with me?” question. That’s not what a good interview is about. The point is to present the interviewee and their thoughts and opinions to the audience, not to insert my own.

In the case of my Thomas Roberts interview, I’ve gotten some pushback on my not pursuing the issue of trans inclusion on-air at MSNBC, but I think it’s unfair for the reasons noted above. I asked Thomas Roberts for his assessment of MSNBC’s level of transgender inclusion and he answered the question. I didn’t pursue the issue by following up for a few reasons:

1. I wasn’t writing an op-ed about transgender inclusion on MSNBC, I was doing a feature interview with a popular on-air celebrity. Trans inclusion was only one of many LGBT-relevant topics I asked Roberts about, it wasn’t the primary focus. The point was to present his opinion, not debate it.

2. Roberts’ answer on the issue was firm, as I knew it would be from email conversations we’ve had in the past. I didn’t see a point to pushing the issue from a journalistic perspective to get what I knew would be an underscoring of his original response.

3. Thomas Roberts and the NBC Publicity Dept. were both extraordinarily generous with their time and attention in making this interview happen, and I didn’t want to risk alienating either to follow-up on something I already knew the answer to. Call it self-serving if you like, but I’d like to be able to do more interviews with MSNBC and NBC folks in the future and I didn’t see how it made sense to put that at risk for zero real potential gain.

Also, I think it’s worth pointing out that just because I choose not to go after certain interview subjects as aggressively as some would prefer it doesn’t mean that I personally agree with them either. For example, the quote that made the title of the piece, Thomas Roberts’ statement that MSNBC “leads the way” in LGBT relevant coverage is extremely debatable. In terms of trans-relevant coverage in particular, CNN was well out in front of MSNBC in terms of both frequency and quality of coverage for a very long time. These days, I’d say that gap has closed considerably but not completely. There’s no question MSNBC has gotten substantially better on LGBT and trans coverage recently and continues to improve over time, but when your #1 show still hasn’t had even a single trans guest on during it’s entire run, your network clearly still has work to do on that front.

In order for trans people to have our presence in commercial media grow beyond the microscopic size it is now, more of us have to be hired more often to do the work. I’ve found that my personal path toward accomplishing that goal includes becoming far more circumspect in deciding where and when I throw bombs and at whom as well as just being far more careful about my overall tone in general. If there’s anything I’ve had drilled into me over the last decade or so, it’s that if you want to be considered a professional, you not only have to produce professional-quality work, you have to act like a professional in other aspects of your public life too.

I learned the hard way that playing the radical outsider only works if that’s the role you really want. If you really want to be considered an insider, you have to act like one. That’s about personal interactions, it’s about tone, and it’s about credibility. It’s about auditioning for your next assignment and justifying your continued employment every time you sit down at the keyboard. It’s about remembering that there’s no shortage of people who would love your job and the vast majority of them are not trans. It’s about remembering that the real and perceived value of a professional aren’t exclusively tied to that which one is paid for. It’s about having respect for those who came before you and a consciousness of your own responsibility in easing the way for those who will come after you.

It’s about remembering that as a professional you’re not just speaking for yourself anymore, it’s also about what you and your work represent to your employers and your audience. It’s about presenting yourself publicly in a way which reflects your understanding of those truths.

So yes, I do think twice before I reach for the grenade sack these days, and I tend to take a moment to reflect before I grab my flamethrower. It may not be very satisfying to my passions, but it’s infinitely more supportive of my personal life and career goals.

Because that’s what a professional does.

Pink Fire (Part 24)

beckygrrl — Sat, 26 Jul 2014 02:11:20 GMT

I have hips again, or at least something enough approaching hips that my jeans fit better. I like that. I like it a lot.

The tits are still growing but I need to re-quit smoking again. I totally went off the wagon in Detroit, but I have to do it. Soon. Very soon.

My mood swings seem to have stabilized over the last couple of weeks. I’ve had a few moments, but nothing major. This is a good thing.

I learned a lot in Detroit. I’m glad I was able to go. The best part of these things is always the networking. It looks like I’m going to be doing a biweekly column on trans topics and issues. I’m looking forward to that. It’s been a while since I’ve written a regular column, but that was actually my very first paid freelance job ever. In 2006, I was the trans issues columnist for the now-gone Rehoboth Beach Gayzette. That job lasted a year, when I was canned and the page where my column ran filled with pictures of shirtless men. Yes, it was also my first taste of the commercial media business. Luckily, I’ve done better since.

Robyn is home and I’m glad. I’m just happy she’s out of Tel Aviv. For now. This too, is a good thing. A very good thing.

I still have work I need to get done, but that will wait until tomorrow.

It’s down time.

Pink Fire (Part 23)

beckygrrl — Tue, 15 Jul 2014 02:59:28 GMT

So tomorrow’s the big day. I shoot up with estro in the morning and fly off to Detroit. It’s raining hard here today, supposed to as well tomorrow. Hope I’m not delayed. My two biggest worries right now are just making sure I have everything I need as far as airline stuff and making sure I pack all my toiletries and makeup tomorrow morning. I always seem to forget something.

Once I’m on my way though, my biggest worry will be making sure I can get enough stuff done for the Advocate while I’m there. That’s going to be hard with just an old iPad and a Bluetooth keyboard but I’ll do my best. I’m hoping to make up for the probably lack of posts with some really good interviews. I just managed to line up a really big one with a well-known openly gay celebrity, but that’ll happen next week once I get home. There will definitely be a lot of interesting politicians there so I’m hoping a few of the biggies will take a minute to answer a few questions from (probably) the only trans journalist there. That does make me a little nervous because those interviews won’t start happening until at least Wednesday.

I swear on a stack of Ramones CD’s that the minute I get paid I ‘m treating myself to a new laptop. This iPad shit is for the birds. The iPad is wonderful for so many things, but writing, especially as fast as I type, isn’t one of them.

I just want to make sure I’m doing my job well while I’m there. There are standards I need to keep up with, and it may be hard to do that this week. If last year was any guide, the wifi will be crappy which will mean my ability to go online story hunting will be limited. I can’t afford the financial-rape-level prices most of these hotels charge for wifi, so I’ll just have to do the best I can with what I have available for free. I do have a four-hour layover in Chicago on the way out, so I’m hoping I can knock out at least a couple of stories while I’m cooling my heels at the airport (assuming they have free wifi).

That’s what makes me the most nervous. I need net access to do my job and I can’t be sure I’m going to have it when I need it. I can’t afford to shell out for pay wifi right now. Until I get paid, I’m basically running on fumes, and I don’t expect that to happen at least until I get home.

This week, I need to be the woman who does it all. I just hope I can pull it off.

I’ve never flown on estrogen before. I’m not sure how much of a difference that makes, but who knows? Maybe I’ll be weepy and sniffling all the way to Detroit…or, something else. If I’m lucky, maybe it’ll just relax me enough to let me sleep on the plane…but I’m not counting on that.

This so bizarre. It’s literally a working vacation. On the one hand, I know that I’m not going to have as much time to hang out and socialize as I did last year. On the other hand, though, as a journalist I couldn’t be more excited about the chance to score some really big interviews.

For me, Netroots Nation is either going to be a living hell or a journalistic Disneyland. Maybe both.

I can’t wait to find out.

Pink Fire (Part 22)

beckygrrl — Mon, 14 Jul 2014 05:39:41 GMT

So it’s two days before I give myself my third self-injection. Yes, I’m counting…this is still a big deal for me. I really didn’t like needles at all before I started self-injecting. What’s more, I liked not liking needles. When I was younger, if I’d learned to self-inject when I was 19 or 20, I probably wouldn’t have made it to 21. I was a seriously fucked up teen and young adult. Even without needles I’m still amazed I didn’t manage to kill myself by overdosing on something.

This was something I actually had to work through. To me, a hypodermic needle is a kind of a symbol. They were all over the places I frequented in my youth, discarded and lying in the street, sometimes still sticking out of a dead junkie’s arm. I had a serious fear of needles and I was glad I did.

When I started self-injecting, actually holding the thing in my hand and getting ready to stick it into myself, even though intellectually I understood that an intra-muscular shot is not the same as injecting heroin directly into a vein, the visuals, the feel…it was just too close. I had to literally change my thinking and convince myself, in essence, that those were bad needles, this is a good needle. It’s easy enough to say it, but believing it? That’s not so easy.

Yet, I did it. And what’s more, I did it pretty damn easily for someone with a lifelong fear of needles. How? That’s easy. I needed the estrogen in my body more than I needed to be afraid of a needle so I did what I had to do to make that happen. I know that probably sounds a little weird, but it’s the truth. I have resolved that nothing will stand in the way of my getting what I need to be happy…and I mean the basics, estrogen, eventual surgery, decent clothes…a Jaguar would make me happy too, but unless I win the lottery, it ain’t happening.

I was able to focus on the estrogen instead of the needle and that enabled me to get past the fear and self-inject. It’s truly amazing what I can make myself do when I want something bad enough.

Oh and did I mention that right after I give myself that shot Tuesday morning I’ll be flying to Detroit for Netroots Nation? Flying always makes me…not fearful or nervous, I guess the best way to describe it is uneasy. I worry something will go wrong, I’ll miss a connection, that kind of thing. If Detroit was closer to home, I’d have opted for the train.

I like trains. I like riding in trains. I especially like writing while riding on trains. I did a lot of writing between Newark and DC when I went to the Convening in February. That’s a trip I’d like to do again soon.

I don’t like planes. They’re generally cramped and uncomfortable. I could barely read, much less write, to and from San Jose last year. Planes just suck.

So yeah, things are gonna be a little different this year. I’m flying in jeans, but I’m packing a couple of maxi dresses and maybe a skirt this time. I’ll even be wearing actual jewelry. That’s right, actual girl clothes. Yay, me.

It’s good to be a girl.

Not Really A Pink Fire Post, But Who Gives A Shit Anyway?

beckygrrl — Thu, 10 Jul 2014 05:44:32 GMT

I am just in a particularly good mood right now. In the mail today I got copies of the new issue of The Advocate magazine with my first-ever national magazine article. I just can’t stop smiling. I mean, I love working for the Advocate.com website and I love all the other online work I’m doing, but there’s just something special about being published in a hard copy magazine, and particularly in a magazine as significant as The Advocate. It feels like I’ve arrived as a writer and a journalist and that feels really good. As a friend pointed out on Facebook earlier, I’m now a nationally-published journalist. Fucking a-right.

I worked so hard and so long to get to this point. Maybe this is who I am, who I’m meant to be, a writer and a journalist. As much as I love being a radio host, and as much as I may be loathe to admit it, in my heart of hearts I know I’m a better writer than I am a radio host…or maybe it’s more accurate to say I’m more marketable as a writer than as a radio host. Truth is, I love both and if a paid radio gig presented itself I’d almost certainly take it in a heartbeat. Even if that were to happen, though, I wouldn’t want to give up what I’m already doing. I love what I’m doing now, and I want to do more.

Now, here’s the funny part: This is all still so new I haven’t even been paid yet. If my guesses about the timing are right, I suspect that by the time I get home from Detroit I’ll have more money in the bank than when I left.

I don’t want to seem like a self-centered egotistical jerk, but it just feels like a real milestone, it all does. It’s hard to believe that less than two months ago I had none of this.

I suspect it’ll be an interesting show tomorrow night.

Pink Fire (Part 21)

beckygrrl — Thu, 03 Jul 2014 08:30:58 GMT

Gave myself another shot yesterday. This time, almost zero problem. I’m starting to get good at this.

Tonight I did something that I’d been thinking about for a few days, but wasn’t sure if enough time had passed to make it a viable option. About a month or so ago, I made a stupid mistake and as a result came into conflict with someone who I’d become friendly with and we haven’t spoken since. I was as angry at the time as she was because hurtful things were said and done by both of us. I was embarrassed and hurt. I lashed out in response and I had no right to. I caused this and I should have taken my lumps because I deserved them and just moved on. Because I handled this so badly I don’t know if that relationship can be fixed but I feel that it’s both my desire and my responsibility to try.

So, I wrote to her, apologized again, and asked if we could work it out. She hasn’t responded, but I sent the email just a few hours ago and right now it’s 3:45am. I’m hoping she’ll respond tomorrow.

Truth is, I feel like shit about this. As tempting as it might be to blame estrogen for a mood swing causing this, true or not it doesn’t absolve me of responsibility. I was wrong when I made the mistake, and I was wrong in the way I responded. I let my anger and hurt make a bad situation even worse and damaged, maybe destroyed that friendship. Maybe what really hurts the most is that I know it’s my fault but I can’t fix it. I can’t undo my mistake or how I responded. I can only ask forgiveness and hope she can see her way clear to offering it.

Now, weeks have passed and I’ve had time to think about this in a calmer and more rational frame of mind. I had to try. I had to reach out and see if maybe things could go back to the way they were before I fucked it all up. And so, I have. I don’t know her well enough to know if this is fixable, but I do hope so.

Fingers crossed.

Pink Fire (Part 20)

beckygrrl — Mon, 30 Jun 2014 21:19:17 GMT

I’m not handling stress as well as I should be right now, and I’ve got a lot to stress out about this week. Maybe it’s the estro. I’m due for another shot tomorrow. I don’t really know. Usually when I’m having a moment it’s accompanied by a mood swing, but this is more like just a constant undercurrent of stress, no matter what my emotional state.

I didn’t go to Pride this year. I just wasn’t up for it. When I get stressed out, I tend to hide out here in my little computer room/studio/cave where I’m writing this from and avoid people altogether. It actually gives me more time to catch up on work in theory, but in practice, because work is writing, stressing out makes it harder, not easier to write. I think a lot of it is a general sense of insecurity.

Maybe it’s because it’s still so new, but I feel like it could all disappear just as quickly as it happened. Maybe because that’s exactly what my working life has been for the last 17 years: Struggling for years to find a new job, finally getting hired, and then ending up getting let go and back at square one again soon afterward. It’s probably totally irrational, but I feel like any minute I could hear those dreaded words again:

“We’re going to have to let you go…” “We’re going in a different direction…” “We’re really sorry about this. You’re a good employee Becky, but well, you know how it is…” “We’re not going to be needing you anymore…” “We just think it’s best for everyone if we go our separate ways…”

I’ve heard them all at one time or another over the last 17 years. As an unpaid blogger I was fearless, but as a paid freelancer I feel like my professional goals are on the line every minute of every day now. And I am scared, sometimes so much that it feels like I can’t breathe, like there’s a knot in the pit of my stomach that just never goes away.

I never felt this way when I had a retail job. This is different. This job I fought for, even campaigned for. This is the job I didn’t just need, I wanted it badly, more than any job I’ve ever tried for that wasn’t in radio. This job isn’t about showing up, shutting up, and doing as I’m told. This job is about where my heart is, about who I am and what I want to do with the rest of my life. Now that I have it, I constantly worry that one day it’ll disappear, just like all the others.

Fuck. Now I’ve made myself cry again. I wish I knew how to make this stop.

Pink Fire (Part 19)

beckygrrl — Wed, 25 Jun 2014 12:56:57 GMT

I feel like my tits are bursting out of my chest. No, seriously. Now that I’ve stopped smoking I’m getting some pretty decent breast growth, which I really didn’t the first time around when I was smoking two packs a day. They hurt like hell of course, but that’s ok. Now, I’m considering buying padded bras to replace the full size forms I’ve been wearing basically forever. What I really need to do is lose some weight. My mood swings are still happening but not as frequently…at least, not this week anyway.

I’ve managed to successfully get through my first month at the Advocate, but I still have other work that should be getting done and isn’t. I’m going to have to buckle down. Sometimes, it’s just tough to focus and I have to take a break. That’s not always a good thing, especially when there’s work that needs to be done.

It’s just a few weeks until Netroots and I’m looking forward to that. It’s as close to a real vacation as I’ll probably get this year, even though I’ll still be filing stories for the Advocate while I’m there. I really should buy myself a laptop instead of relying on my iPad and a Bluetooth keyboard, but until I’m making more money it will have to do. I ‘m able to cover basics like hormones and clothes now, but blowing $500 or more on a new laptop right now, especially when I’d really need it so infrequently, just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. If and when things change, I’ll reconsider.

I’ve been making it a point to stay out of online fights. Yeah, there were a couple I just couldn’t resist jumping into, including one that stemmed from an article written by Marti Abernathey attacking one of my articles, but as is always the case with Marti, it was really about attacking me and any success in media that I may have. While Marti and I generally don’t speak anymore, she goes out of her way to attack any public success I may have, be it my show or my print work. I’ve grown used to it, and I take it for what it really is: The resentment of someone who wanted to be a community media voice but failed, both as a radio host and as a journalist. It’s a pity, really. She might have been quite good if she weren’t so lazy about it.

I’m generally pretty happy with the work I’ve done so far for the Advocate, but I think there’s definitely room for improvement. Isn’t there always? I’m also hoping for more magazine work. That’s where the real money is in this business. Well, it’s early yet. Let’s see what happens over the next few months.

More soon.

Pink Fire (Part 18)

beckygrrl — Fri, 20 Jun 2014 05:37:01 GMT

Tonight I did something I really shouldn’t do and yet I felt I had no choice. Estrogen is kicking my ass right now, two days after my second-ever self-injection. I cancelled the show because I just didn’t feel like I was able to keep it together enough tonight to do two hours. Maybe I’ll do an hour tomorrow if I have time.

It’s so weird. It’s been over six weeks now since I’m back on the spike. I thought I was getting a handle on this, but I’m really not. It’s like I’m surfing on the edge of an emotional wave that could collapse and sink me at any moment. As long as I don’t get myself worked up about anything, I’m fine. Spending two hours getting worked up and spouting off into a microphone? Probably not the best idea.

I’m intentionally being very cautious here. This emotional fragility has gotten me into trouble in the past. I’m getting much better at recognizing when I’m having an issue, but now I have to get better at just plowing through despite it and not letting it get in the way. If this is to be my life from now on, if this is how my body and mind process estrogen, then I have to find a way to deal with it as an ongoing part of my life now. I taught myself how to live with ADHD and even how to make it work for me. I’ll do it again with estrogen.

What’s going to be really interesting is that the way the scheduling works out, I’ll be giving myself a shot the morning before I get on a plane to Detroit for Netroots. Now that should be a fun trip. Good thing it’s only a couple of hours in the air from Newark.

I think that’s enough for now. G’nite.