Before 30

shortest entry

2012-01-06T00:30:00.000+08:00

be still.

listen.

choose a path.

stand firm.

be strong.

there's no going back.

invictus

2011-11-27T22:03:00.001+08:00

by william ernest henley

out of the night that covers me,
black as the pit from pole to pole,
i thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.

in the fell clutch of circumstance
i have not winced nor cried aloud.
under the bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody, but unbowed.

beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the horror of the shade,
and yet the menace of the years
finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

it matters not how strait the gate,
how charged with punishments the scroll.
i am the master of my fate:
i am the captain of my soul.

thanksgiving should be celebrated around the world

2011-11-24T23:34:00.002+08:00

not indulging in stuffed turkey, pumpkin pie, day off from work, and black friday sale doesn't take away the fact that today is a good day to give thanks from this part of the world.

today, i give thanks for the little pleasures that make life worth living: reading books, the flavor of strong coffee, experiencing the poignancy of sunrises and sunsets, feeling euphoric with the smell of paper and seawater, having a good night's rest on my 20-year old mattress with my flattened pillow, hearing my nephew squeal in absolute joy, having a belly laugh while watching one of my fave sitcoms, making my parents laugh at my jokes, getting nostalgic while listening to 90's rock, self-choreographing to an emotive song, releasing my inner child through coloring books and pastel crayons, walking on white sand, etc.

today, i will also give thanks for all the hardships i will undergo in the future. i might cry, i might rage, and i might question the sense of it all, but in the end, i will recognize that these hardships are mere opportunities for grace from a higher power, that they will make me stronger and mold me into a better person.

most importantly, i will be thankful that despite all the curve balls i've caught, i still have the ability to dream, hope, and forgive, and that i still believe each new day is a chance for me to be inspired and maybe, just maybe, become an inspiration to others.

happy thanksgiving, everyone.

how to deal (II)

2011-11-15T00:04:00.003+08:00

i couldn't get over how weak my mom became after she had her hysterectomy. prior to this, my mom has had 2 other major surgeries in a span of 5 years, and she has always managed to bounce back in a matter of days. this time around, she looked exceptionally frail. it's as if taking out her uterus and ovaries also meant taking away her life spirit. the mom i would be seeing for the next few weeks would be a mere shadow of the compact and dynamic woman i've known since i was a kid.

it would take her weeks before she could speak without running out of breath, or go out of the house without feeling frail. until then, each day was daily frustration day for her. we could see her frustration in not being able to do the things which used to be so effortless for her. we tried boosting her spirits, but there was only so much we could do. my mom and i are alike in the sense that we can't keep still in one place, and we always need to have something to do, so being confined in one place with limited things to do would really drive her crazy.

crazier than my mom's condition was how relatives and friends were reacting to it. except for us her immediate family, everyone had their own two cents' worth on how to fight cancer. almost all are advising my mom to skip chemotherapy, and instead, to simply immerse herself in alternative medicine. the problem with alternative medicine is that there are too many disciplines for one person to deal with, and these well-meaning friends and relatives couldn't agree on which discipline or ingredient would be the most effective for ovarian cancer. it would have been much easier if they were just giving dissenting opinions. but no, all of them had the notion that only their advice matters and as such, would be the only one (or ones) that would work compared to others. eat lots of pureed asparagus. eat lots of malunggay. eat lots of ashitaba leaves, because these are more effective than malunggay. drink lots of wheatgrass juice. just stick with eating and drinking guyabano--this is the miracle fruit. one uncle, on hearing that his "prescription" was not being strictly followed, berated me and asked me sarcastically if i wanted my mom to die. the urge to be downright disrespectful was so strong that i had to pinch myself really hard just so i can stop myself from saying something unforgivably rude.

on an uncle's and a friend's suggestion, we had also consulted with two "specialists" who claimed that they could inhibit the growth of cancer cells without chemotherapy using their "special" vitamins. but specialist vitamins, just like regular medicine for serious medical conditions, don't come cheap. after two weeks if imbibing these vitamins, my mom decided to stop taking them for the simple reason that she couldn't feel herself getting any better. i guess she felt that cancer is something she could cure away with lots of water and vitamins, something similar to suffering through an ordinary headache or the flu.

to make things worse, these people also had to have a say on my mom's diet. don't eat dairy. drink full cream milk. stick with fruits and vegetable ONLY. don't eat meat. eat some meat, but stay away from beef. eat bone marrow. eat butter. eliminate sugar completely. don't eat white rice, eat brown rice. coffee is bad for your health. drink coffee. "confusing" is such an understatement at this point. if we're going to follow all of that, my mom would end up eating everything and nothing.

on the other hand, my mom, in her fervent desire to overcome her cancer really fast, had resorted to listening and trying almost every single thing that came her way. she would eagerly start a new diet or a new vitamin regimen, but as soon as she hears a different advice, she would stop following it and immediately become discouraged. it's no wonder i'm pissed off at these well-meaning people. my dad, sensing my angst, told me that these people just wanted my mom to get better. i get that part, but nevertheless, their well-meaning intentions are doing nothing but aggravate my mom's roller-coaster condition.

for all the trouble, i couldn't help but wish that my mom could just have stuck with her oncologist's straightforward advice of going through with chemotherapy. no diet restrictions, no countless dietary supplements. chemotherapy might or might not raise her chances against cancer, but her alternative meds can't guarantee her better chances as well.

my point is: there's no sure way of fighting cancer, and my mom might as well gamble big time in a way that is "comfortable" for her.

peaskambak!

2011-11-05T19:38:00.000+08:00

during our family lunch in the house for all saints' day this year

*one of julian's favorite "toys" is this mini plastic armchair we've always had on reserve for occasions when we run out of regular-sized chairs for guests. since our house has never been equipped to hold parties and gatherings, that mini armchair has always been put into use whenever we have more than 4 people staying for lunch and dinner. my family adheres to the unspoken rule that the younger generation should "yield" (NOT always for me) to the older generation, and since i'm the youngest among the adults, it went without saying that i should be seated on the smallest chair.

JULIAN: (grunting) uuuggggh (pinches me as he tries to push me off the chair)

PAPA: he wants you to stand up because he wants to play with it.

ME: no, julian. a-i (one of the hokkien terms for aunt) is still eating. i'll give this chair to you once i've finished.

JULIAN: uuuuggggh...bad! (referring to me)

ME: (relenting) ok, you can have the chair but you have to ask for it nicely. repeat after me: a-i...

JULIAN: a-i!

ME: please...

JULIAN: peas!

ME: stand...

JULIAN: stan!

ME: up

JULIAN: ap!

ME: again, a-i...

JULIAN: a-i!

ME: ...please stand up.

JULIAN: peaskambak!

ME: (laughing so hard) stand up not come back!

JULIAN: (with a puzzled look on his face even as he pinches and pushes me) kambak! kambak!

MAMA: (to me) well, stand up now. you already know what he wants. you're just making his life difficult.

ME: i can't help it. he should know that "come back" is different from "stand up."

but i still ended up yielding my chair to king julian.

(note: until now, when julian is asked to say "please stand up" in one utterance, he ends up saying it as "peaskambak.")

how to deal (I)

2011-10-31T16:51:00.002+08:00

*the first of many parts...because the entries are just waaaay too long*

september 16, 2011: this was the day we found out that my mom has stage 4 ovarian cancer. needless to say, it was more than a shock. mind-numbing, earth-shattering, devastating...these words didn't even measure up to how i was feeling that moment when i heard the news.

everything seemed so surreal. i felt like i was watching a movie or a series slowly unfold but the very weird part was that i was in it too. it didn't help that for the first time ever, i heard my dad tell me "i don't know what to do." i mean, this is MY dad we're talking about, the father who can be lovably comical yet be frustratingly inflexible with his beliefs. we're talking about a man who has an opinion on almost everything and troubleshoots almost anything, and suddenly, he's telling me that he's at his wit's end in this situation.

so that day, i did what any sane, rational adult would do: i escaped. i was working from home that day, but i couldn't stand the thought of staying in the house and facing what would surely be a very long and emotional family discussion. i packed my laptop and stuff, commuted to a nearby mall, had an impromptu massage, then parked myself in a coffeeshop and spent most of the day consuming tons of coffee and sugar in different forms. to record, that day was probably my most unproductive work day. that one excel sheet i was working on when my day started didn't even progress to half of what it should be worth when i shut down my laptop.

my escapist strategies lasted for weeks. never mind that i was spending more than usual on dinner-out's, lunch-out's, and countless sojourns to numerous coffeeshops. foremost in my mind was to stay out of the house, and keep out of it. my mom's cancer was way out of my capabilities. she has her doctors and a lot of well-meaning, opinionated relatives who constantly dish out advice (and who expect their pieces of advice to be ALL followed thoroughly) on her health. what more can i do, right?

then it all came crashing down one day when i caught my mom unawares in her room, and she looked so forlorn. i was about to tell my mom that i would have to do some overtime work in the office when she broke down in front of me. in between tears, she told me that she was scared that she's going to "move on" once she has had her hysterectomy. i tried reassuring her that her fears were unfounded, that she's way too young to die, that she still has to look forward to a future filled with rowdy grandchildren, and that i have yet to marry and i'll be needing her to get through all the pre-wedding craziness.

i lied to her that day. i told her that for some reason, i have no fears about her condition, that everything is going to be alright. i don't know if she believed me, but i glimpsed a sense of calm in her face. truth was, i've never been so scared for someone in my life as i was at that moment. i was pretty sure that she would survive her surgery. it's her timeline after her surgery that frightened me.

research is my cup of tea, and prior to my mom's breakdown, i had already done a lot of fact-checking and cross-referencing. statistics for stage 4 ovarian cancer survivors are NOT good, and try as i might to look for that proverbial needle that would disprove all the negative proofs, i just couldn't. i wanted a miracle. i wanted everyone to see that we could get through this, that we could more than just fight this--we could actually overcome this. i wanted the world to know that my mother is more than just a statistic.

in my own way, i was trying to make her feel better because i felt guilty. i felt that her being afflicted with cancer was my fault. according to her oncologist (and from my research as well), cancer cells thrive in an acidic environment, and our bodies mainly become acidic if we're undergoing stress. and for those of you who know my life story, we all know that i'm a HUGE part of that stress. in the hopes of attaining absolution, i was hoping that maybe my little lie could go a long way in making her believe in the impossible.

filipino friday: expectations for the readercon

2011-09-10T21:35:00.002+08:00

as i mentioned in one of my previous posts, the 1st filipino reader conference is coming up (just 4 days away!). unfortunately, i won't be able to go to this event because of work (why does work always have to interfere with our social life?!?), but that doesn't mean i can't promote this to other book lovers and bloggers :). please take the time to check this out on september 14, at the SMX Mall of Asia, Meeting Room 2--a great way to while away the time amidst people who share the same love and interest for books.
since the ReaderCon stemmed as an idea from an online social activity (filipino book bloggers--correct me if i'm wrong, please), it would be nice if it can effectively promote online/digital reading. despite the fact that we are more connected nowadays and have a slew of computer gadgets available, the popularity of ebooks is still way behind that of paper books in this country. personally, i prefer paper books over ebooks (there's a natural high in smelling and touching printed words on paper), but the latter beat the former when it comes to convenience and ease in reading. i'm not hoping for a total conversion to digital reading (god forbid!), but i just want those people who are discouraged from reading (because of the numerous and weighty tomes they have to buy and carry) to see that there is no excuse to not read.

i also hoped that the people attending the ReaderCon would truly understand that reading has indeed become a social activity. gone are the days when reading is considered as a loner's hobby. sites such as shelfari and goodreads (and the filipino book bloggers community) would not have survived if readers didn't make it a point to share their thoughts on whatever thought-provoking or eye-opening book they have just read. reading has evolved from being a means to dream to becoming a way to share experiences and connect with people all parts of the world.

of filipinos and foreign lands

2011-09-08T23:42:00.002+08:00

"...manila is the cradle, the graveyard, the memory. the mecca, the cathedral, the bordello. the shopping mall, the urinal, the discotheque. i'm hardly speaking in metaphor. it's the most impermeable of cities. how does one convey all that? if one writes about its tropical logic, its familial loyalties, its bitter aftertaste of spanish colonialism, readers wonder: is this a magical realist?...how do we fly from someone else's pigeonhole? we haven't. we must. and to that, we have to figure out how to properly translate ourselves..."
- excerpt from ilustrado, by miguel syjuco

the except rightfully refers to manila, but reading it somehow reminded me of how difficult it is to describe my country to foreigners.

a few years ago, i had the opportunity to study in france, and i inadvertently found myself participating in a series of activities that involved me spending time with "foster" families along with other foreign students. a family would "adopt" a foreign student, and both student and family would be obliged to spend time together at least once a week. these weekly immersions aimed to improve the foreign language skills of the students, and in my opinion, it also gave the families (which are actually parents) something to while away their time with, as a lot of them were already experiencing the empty nest syndrome. despite not having signed up for this activity, i eventually got dragged into several family gatherings, because a lot of my friends became part of this, to the point that even the families themselves thought i was already one of their "adopted."

one topic that always popped up was to tell them something about my country and my culture. easier thought than done. for one thing, the families couldn't quite reconcile how someone who looked like me (fair-skinned with almond eyes) could come from a land of sun, beaches and brown-skinned natives (travelogues and tourism documentaries were really popular with them). second, they couldn't quite accept that "jacqueline" was my actual name (a follow-up question would almost always come after having said my name: "and what is your real filipino name?"). seeing their disappointed faces, i couldn't help but wish for my parents to have had the grace to christen me with a native filipino name--something like "lakambini" or "amihan" (wishful thinking, since my family is chinese-filipino). last, they seemed amazed that i could converse with them about politics, books, art, movies...i did come from a third-world country, right?

in a paced and scholarly french, i tried telling them that my country is a melting pot of sorts--any breed/interbreed of asians, africans, and caucasians, they could find them here. and it was not so much about having a name that was too french, it was more about following the norm by having westernized names. and despite the high levels of poverty and illiteracy in my country, they could encounter a lot of educated and erudite filipinos not only from this part of the world, but also in paris, toulouse, lyons, bordeaux, lille, etc (i couldn't add "if they would only venture out of their provincial hole"--i might have come from a third-world country, but i was taught how to be polite while growing up).

i wanted to say more but i feared my limited vocabulary would give way to smatterings of english, french, and tagalog, and we all know how incoherent that would sound. i knew that i wasn't able to satisfy their curiosity, but how could i when they already had fixed notions of what filipinos (and the philippines) would be like? so for lack of better words and extraordinary wordsmithing skills, i tried introducing the philippines to them by cooking adobo, sinigang (thanks to maggi and knorr instant mixes), and yema (thanks to a fellow filipina friend who brought a filipino recipe book with her) for them. what i couldn't say in words, i hoped to be able to relay to them through my food. i wanted them to taste all that tanginess, sourness, and sweetness, and maybe they would get more than a picture of shanties, barefoot children, and sandy beaches. maybe they would figure out that a certain savviness was required in knowing how to simmer that tastefully tender adobo meat, how to keep the vegetables edible yet crunchy in a sinigang broth, or how to combine the flavors of ground nuts, milk, butter, and sugar in yema that they're satisfyingly, but not cloyingly, sweet. i was offering them a cuisine which had been a product of recipes/formulas of generations of filipinos, and any race that could concoct food with such richness of taste and texture could not be as backward or as poor as they initially thought.

but as reality would have it, my adobo was far from perfectly tender, and my yema was a tad too sweet. my sinigang was a bit bland for my taste, but surprisingly, it was a winner for them (they had never tasted anything like it, according to them--woohoo for me!). they were magnanimous with the meal i had served, but any hopes of them having experienced profoundness on my take of filipino cuisine went out of the window as soon as the dishes were placed inside the dishwasher.

in the end, it didn't really matter whether or not i was able to convey to them what filipinos and the philippines were really like. i figured out that my version would always differ from their versions. how could i possibly explain to them, in several meetings, that corruption, poverty, apathy, and crime can exist alongside art, progress, american movies, and the best of nature's wonders? that we can always smile, laugh, and find humor in our tragedies and misfortunes? or that beauty and ugliness thrive hand in hand in this country, but the people and the country will always be home for me?

filipino friday: filipiniana

2011-09-06T00:03:00.002+08:00

i'm late in joining this, but hey, better late than never!

filipino friday is a weekly meme that promotes the 1st filipino reader conference. for all you bookworms out there, this is definitely worth checking out. it will be held on september 14 at the SMX Mall of Asia, Meeting Room 2. this is just in time for the manila international book fair, so it would be a breeze to just swing by and listen to what other fellow readers have to say. better yet, my friend, Chachic, will be part of a panel discussion on book blogging (yey! check out her book reviews here). information on the conference program can be found here.
meme topic posted last friday was about filipino literature. unfortunately, i don't get to read as much filipino literature as i would like. a lot of the filipiniana i have read have been written in english, or if not, are written in the colloquial lingo, which is so far from the literary filipino we have been taught in school. i gravitate more towards books written in english, probably because my tagalog comprehension skills are not as strong as my english comprehension skills (i speak a mixture of tagalog, english, and hokkien in my everyday interactions with people, but english has remained prominent as my thinking language). the last books that i've read which were written in tagalog were florante at laura, el filibusterismo, and noli me tangere, which we all know are required school readings here in the philippines.

i don't have a favorite filipino author, but i can name some authors and their works which have made an impression on me:

f. sionil jose's ermita was the book that made me interested in history (i read this when i was in the 4th grade by secretly "borrowing" my sister's when she wasn't using it in school--yes, i was a nerd that way). it tells about life in prewar and post-war ermita, and reading it at a young age made me want to know more about the background stories that happened during our country's historic moments.
i also liked dean francis alfar's salamanca which essentially tells a love story in a magical realism backdrop. the characters, the sorcery, the fantastical events in this book are so filipino, and you cannot imagine it happening anywhere else but in the philippines. yet at the same time, there is a certain universality in them in the way that everyone can identify with unrequited and requited love. reading this also reminded me a bit of gabriel garcia marquez's love in the time of the cholera--epic and poignant, but it all comes down to love.
i have a well-worn copy of the best philippine short stories of the twentieth century, edited by isagani r. cruz. this book is a good introduction for anyone wanting to venture (reading) into english filipiniana (which is something of a paradox). some of my favorite short stories included in this compilation are dead stars by paz marquez-benitez, the virgin by kerima polotan-tuvera, and portents by jessica zafra. i liked these stories because they had been written with so much sensitivity and subtlety that you end up thinking and wondering about them even after having read them countless times.
i'm currently reading miguel syjuco's ilustrado. i'm still on chapter 6, but it looks promising so far. syjuco's writing style is pensive and satiric at the same time, and there were moments while reading this book where i have been torn between being saddened and wanting to laugh out loud.

on a lighter note, i've been a fan of pugad baboy (created by pol medina, jr.) since i was a kid. if you want an honest peek into filipino culture and subculture, and if you don't mind having a good laugh at yourself, then you should indulge in this series. i don't know if the young readers now can still relate to pugad baboy, but back when erap-isms, kidnappings, and tagalog action movies were proliferating, polgas, bab, tiny, dagul, kulas, brosia and the rest of the pugad baboy community provided a welcome respite from the horrors and mundanity of everyday life.

local chick lit is also one of my fave reads (those pocket books printed by summit publishing). i believe that chick lit is one of the most underrated genres in literature, more so our very own. if you think about it, the works of jane austen and the brontë sisters were the "chick lit" of the 19th century, and now those books are sold and shelved with other "classics." there are too many titles to mention under this category, but the works of mina v. esguerra, tara ft sering, maya calica, and vince o. teves (chick lit from the male point of view) are at par with other well-known (a.k.a. foreign) chick lit authors.

so that's my take on filipino literature. hope you guys can also join in the filipino friday meme to help promote this event. until my next (and the last!) filipino friday post!

in hindsight

2011-09-05T20:55:00.001+08:00

entry from my written journal, dated january 8, 2010:

how would you know if you have made the right decision? i don't think we'll ever know unless we look at it in hindsight. then we'd realize if we had made a mistake...or if we had finally done something right. sometimes, in the midst of all this uncertainty, we just have to jump in because there would be so much more to lose if we don't. so what if we have yet to straighten out those big and small kinks that are facing us? sometimes, we come to a point in our lives that the only thing that matters is to make up our minds and stand firm with our decision, no matter what. no regrets. because eventually, whatever decision we make becomes the right decision.

big words from someone who loves making pro's & con's lists before jumping in :)

sidetracked by bags

2011-09-03T00:07:00.006+08:00

guess what are in these bags...

my sister and i had just come from our workout when we spotted the throng of people at aranaz. there were photographers taking pictures, finger food was being served, and the aranaz siblings (and helpful friends) were at the store in full force. we eventually discovered that aranaz was having its annual birthday sale.

i've been wanting to buy an aranaz bag for ages. aranaz is one of those stores which i've always been checking out while idling time at the mall but have never deigned to buy any of its merchandise. i like aranaz bags because not only are they well-crafted, the designs are a mixture of classy and funky. best of all, they are one of those few products in the local fashion industry which we can call truly "pinoy" (designer is a filipina, bags are made locally, and materials used are also sourced locally). a lot of the bags are out of my spending range, but there are some which are within my fashion budget. unfortunately, during those times i had finally decided to buy myself an aranaz creation, my spending money would have been diverted into other more urgent matters (like traveling).

well, it turned out that the birthday sale was REALLY a sale, meaning ALL of their bags were marked down at half the price. after much dilly-dallying and in between sips of a huge cup of milk tea, i finally went home with not one, but THREE aranaz bags. talk about being a shopaholic.

this was the first bag that caught my eye when i went in the store. it's big enough to contain a bulky wallet, a coin purse, a book, a pen, a digicam, and a toiletry kit, but still small enough that i don't have to worry about bumping people with it in tight situations.

this clutch is one of my all-time favorites. i've been eyeing this for quite some time. sometimes, you find a fashion item that jumps out at you because you feel that it personifies you. this clutch is one of those items for me. this would be perfect for night-outs or even on casual days when i don't feel like bringing a book with me everywhere i go.

need i say more? who wouldn't fall in love with such a tote? this would be useful for those days when i need to bring my laptop outside of work/house. and there's enough pockets at the front and back for accessories and peripherals. this could easily fit one laptop, an umbrella, a book, and bit of space for other thingamajigs.

total damage: less than 4K pesos (less than 90 dollars). now tell me if that isn't a bargain.

try to visit the store in greenbelt 5 today for the aranaz birthday sale...that's 50% off for designer bags!

crazy, stupid, love: when fighting for your soulmate is on the same level as bashing twilight

2011-08-31T23:15:00.002+08:00

*spoilers at their mininum best in this post :)*

who would have thought that steve carell in a rom-com would be a hit for me? i've always associated him with works like the 40-year old virgin and the office, so discovering that he can effortlessly carry off a lovesick character such as cal, without being too slapstick, was a pleasant surprise for me.

if you're into discovering profound life lessons or tearful defining moments while watching a movie, then this film is not for you. but if you just want to watch something that would take your mind off the daily grind, then go ahead and buy yourself a ticket to watch this (grab a popcorn along with it). the best thing about this movie? you don't need to be in a relationship to enjoy watching it. just make sure you're with good company or you're not on your first date, because there would be some hilariously awkward moments not only in the film, but also when you suddenly find yourself laughing in reckless abandon or have accidentally snorted your drink in a burst of sudden hilarity. cheers to you if you decide to watch this on your own.

as in all movies, the characters' lives were intertwined with one another, yet the story didn't just focus on cal (steve carell) and emily (julianne moore)--the biggest stars in the film. each character was given a chance to play out their story, and no matter how neurotic or unrealistic they could be sometimes, you couldn't help but empathize and wonder if you had ever been just like them.

lines that stood out for me:
a) emily (to cal, day after their dinner date fiasco): when i told you i had to work late? i really went to watch the new twilight movie by myself, and it was so bad.

b) cal (to emily): i'm so mad at you. i'm really mad at you for what you did. but I'm mad at myself too. because I should not have jumped out of that car. i should have fought for you. because you fight for your soulmates

c) hannah (to jacob, after seeing him with his shirt off): seriously?!? it's like you're photoshopped!

kudos as well to emma stone. i loved her in the house bunny, she wowed me in easy a, and she definitely stood her ground in this movie among veteran comedians. no wonder jim carrey is infatuated with her.

taking a leaf out of their books

2011-08-30T00:05:00.003+08:00

this august has been a month of upheavals for the IT industry. hp had posted weak revenue earnings (again!) for the last quarter, in addition to announcements that it would close down its tablet and smartphones businesses and was considering the divestiture (or spin-off) of its pc business division. less than a week later, steve jobs resigned as ceo of apple, but had been appointed as chairman of the board. these major news from hp and apple may seem disjointed, but there's one common lesson we can learn from these two IT giants.

hp's failure was caused because it became a bit too complacent with its series of high-profile acquisitions--compaq, palm, 3com, the most recent, autonomy, and a whole lot of others. a lot of these acquisitions were expensive, but without sufficient r&d to back them up, hp had to contend with being a market follower despite its persistent struggles to become a leader in several markets for the past years. the company has invested a lot of talent and money in developing formidable sales teams, but all this effort fell short when it came to coming up with new game-changing products. it has been reported that hp supposedly reduced budget for r&d. as a result of hp's recent developments, hp stock had fallen to its lowest in six years.

*picture courtesy of http://pursuitist.com/tech/steve-jobs-resigns-ceo-apple/ *

on the other hand, apple embodies innovation with a capital i. but prior to its prominence in brand recognition, apple struggled for years to increase profitability. it only made a comeback in the late 90's after steve jobs rejoined the company as adviser, then eventually as ceo. with mr. jobs at the helm again, it didn't take long before the company came out with stylized macs, iPods, iPhones, and most recently, the market leader in tablets, the iPad. despite jobs' resignation recently, apple's stock has remained surprisingly strong compared to other companies who have had a drastic change in leadership. this is because of speculations that even if jobs had left his post, apple would still remain the same company that jobs had fought so hard to rebuild--a company that stays ahead of the pack. hardly anyone can remember that time when apple was considered to be a "dying" company.

these two powerhouses show us that innovation plays a big part in their survival. in the bigger scheme of globalization and competition, it doesn't really matter if you have plenty of cash, if you're at the top or at the bottom, or if you have just acquired a string of small companies. global interconnectivity makes things happen so much faster than it was 100 years ago, and what's important right now for a company is to have the ability to reinvent itself. it's not merely about going with the trends or selling what the people want; rather, it's more about bucking the trends and creating a want that people would buy. and you can only innovate if you made the effort to invest in r&d. how would you know if something would work if you didn't take the time to research on market behavior and develop a product? sure, some innovation would be failures, but would failure be so fearsome if you know you can come up with something better? it's interesting to note that what caused hp's downfall is actually apple's winning strategy.

us mere mortals don't have the billions (yet!) to be at the same level as hp or apple, but both teach us that self-reinvention can take you leaps and bounds. learning doesn't stop when we graduate from college (or graduate school); it is a constant process which we have to go through as long as we live. it's a matter of keeping an open mind to new ideas, and in some cases, trying to learn more of what we think we already know. we have to constantly invest time, effort, and money (sadly, this cannot be taken out of the equation) to broaden our knowledge and experiences. it's about knowing how to differentiate yourself from the person sitting beside you. in short, learning how to make our ordinary selves into extraordinary beings just might be the key to survival.

ever wondered why your girlfriend has been going mental lately?

2011-08-26T04:17:00.004+08:00

today, i stepped up to the rare occasion of being a relationship counselor. yes, me, the girl with the relatively low emotional quotient...

my good guy friend M. and i decided to catch up over dinner and coffee. he inadvertently opened up about his befuddlement as to why his girlfriend of more than 2 years has been acting weird for the past few months. from his story, i got the impression that she was doing some of the crazy kind of stuff you mostly see on telenovelas and movies that are usually characterized by irrational possessiveness. this was news for me, because Girlfriend struck me as having a very carefree and unjealous-like personality.

after hours of talking, he mentioned in passing that his girlfriend caught him "fooling" around with a girl he had met in one of his business trips abroad. girlfriend was using his laptop and someway somehow, she found his messages to a pretty girl (her picture was attached in one of the messages) and vice-versa. according to my guy friend, there was nothing serious about the messages--no serious physical contact was made, just a harmless written flirtation. um yeah, no wonder his girlfriend was acting up, but i found it really funny that my friend never made the connection about his past fling and Girlfriend's behavior. he reasoned out that it happened a long time ago, and everything had already been settled between the two of them.

i hate to break it you, men, but, us, women, we can forgive your indiscretions (doesn't matter how huge or minor they are) but it will take us a long time to forget. it might have happened quite a while for you, guys, but for most women, it will always be like it had only happened yesterday. and since the details will remain fresh with us for years to come, we'll always have them at the back of our minds every time you tell us that you're going to hang out and unwind with your guy friends, traveling on a sudden but really important business trip, or maybe just that one time (or twice) that you've forgotten to mention that you're meeting up with an ex-flame. it's simply a matter of how we let these sordid memories affect us. some of us can be nonchalant and really let bygones be bygones, but a lot of us can transform into psychotic witches (bitches, banshees, whatever you want to call us) whenever we remember your past misdeeds. naturally, we channel all that frustration, uncertainty, and anxiety into random acts of jealousy and pettiness.

you'll probably wonder why we couldn't just talk straightaway about them with you guys. well, it's because we know that it doesn't make sense for us talk about it/them with you. for men, the past is past and what has been discovered/found out/confessed should already be over and done with. what's the point of crying over spilled milk? exactly. and that is why we'll never discuss it/them with you after the fact. are you still following my train of thought?

so next time your girlfriend/fiancee/wife goes berserk on you, be gentle please. she just might be trying to bottle in several tons of insecurity just to maintain some semblance of composure. she's trying to act rational, but her sharp memory just might be playing havoc with her irrational fears. try to remember if you had given her any reason to mistrust you. have you neglected her? been unfaithful? did it happen a week ago? a few months back? ten years ago? how long ago it happened doesn't really matter; what matter's most is that you make her feel secure and loved WITHOUT telling her straight-up that you have an inkling as to what's bothering her. yes, this is imperative, because we know we are smarter than you, and it's important for us that you see us as rational beings, and we couldn't exactly appear rational to you if you know that we're afflicted by past infidelities, which have been forgiven and should consequently be forgotten...you get what i mean?

for future reference

2011-08-24T22:11:00.012+08:00

if this dress were a person, then she (or he) would be the most unforgettable person i've ever met.

Temperley London dress (see more day wedding dresses)

this dress is from the bridal collection of temperley london, one of my favorite designers. unfortunately, i'm too poor to afford any of her designs so i just have to content myself with clippings and pictures from her website (check out her other fabulous designs here ). i don't need to expound as to why this dress is more than fabulous, and i know i'll look good in it :D . but instead of a wedding dress, i would rather have this in blue and wear it for a formal event.

the things we encounter when our fingers click to the most non-work related stuff in the office (this is what working for 13 hours in the office does to my concentration)...

hello, i'm back

2011-08-21T19:32:00.005+08:00

i recently got reacquainted with my journal, and i realized how much i missed writing.

growing up, i was rarely encouraged to speak aloud my opinions, so i learned to express my thoughts and feelings using the written word. my inability to express myself verbally has always made me feel that my mind is in a constant,unbearable chaos, but all that chaos disappears once i grab my pen and start writing in a handy journal (or whatever piece of paper is available).

for the longest time, writing was my solace and i was able to find peace in rereading my words and in waiting for that opportune moment when solutions and resolutions would pop into my mind from nowhere. but recently, i felt like my writing had become redundant, and that clarity of mind which i had once sought from my words was not forthcoming anymore.

as strangely schizophrenic as this might sound, i felt betrayed by my own wordsmanship. i can't do sports, will never be a singer, nor an uber-talented dancer, but i always knew i have an exceptional skill in the way i weave words into prose. and if i couldn't rely on that particular skill for peace of mind, what other talent do i have which i can rely on (definitely not my driving skills)?

so why am i writing again? i'm writing again because this self-imposed hiatus from writing has made me feel that i just might self-combust from all the words, thoughts, and phrases running constantly in my head. maybe growing old really does entail a more complicated life, and clarity cannot just be attained in a one-step "write-it-down" process.

now i'm so looking forward to reading my redundant writing...

hello

2011-05-08T23:40:00.001+08:00

hello, blogging world.

it has been a long while. i missed you. i promise to give an update of my life and state of mind real soon. :D

4am scare

2011-01-12T00:19:00.002+08:00

this is what woke me up at 4am today.

i was nearly off to dreamland when i unwittingly noticed the acrid smell of burning plastic / wiring. to be honest, it was one of those smells that i used to like (addict!) when i was kid, so i did not immediately jump to wakefulness, almost in the same way that you would want to linger in your restful state when you're in a lucid dream. however, the smell persisted in such a way that i eventually had to consider that something was wrong. i got up from my bed, checked the outlet in my room, and sniffed for burning wires. nada. i sniffed some more and the smell was gone. i went back to bed thinking that the smell was just part of a dream.

the smell came back once i closed my eyes, and this time it was much stronger. upon turning on top of my bed, i noticed an orange light coming from under my door. at that moment, i really knew something was wrong. if there was any kind of light that should be radiating from under my door, it should be white light because we always have a night light switched on in the hallway separating my room from my parents' room.

when i opened the door, a portion of the wall near the socket was already ablaze. i shouted for my dad but immediately figured out my dad wasn't inside the house. i quickly rapped the door of my parents' room while shouting at my mom to wake up, then i ran down the stairs to get the extinguisher, but it was nowhere near where i knew it should have been placed. fortunately, my dad heard me from the commissary when i shouted for him, so as soon as he realized that we already had a slight emergency, he toted the extinguisher to the upstairs hallway and blasted the socket and the wall. needless to say, my dad would be forever my hero.

lessons for the day: a) (try) don't panic (although i was nearing panic mode when i couldn't find the extinguisher), b) don't EVER douse electrical fire with water, c) try not to breathe while fire is being extinguished (you can try breathing, but oxygen would be VERY scarce), d) always make sure that you know where your fire extinguisher is placed and where your emergency exits are (and where the corresponding keys are placed if they are habitually locked, like mine).

so far so good...

2011-01-08T23:43:00.000+08:00

the first week of 2011 is just about to end... and so far so good.

i'm trying not to think about hanging on a precipice. there are some situations wherein we can only count on our patience to keep us sane. sometimes it feels as if you're watching or waiting for a car crash to happen, but since i'm neither the driver nor the passenger, i can only just watch and wait it out.

waiting has never been my strongest asset, and that is why i have busied myself with chores and tasks that have long been neglected. buti na lang...

so far so good, 2011.

excerpt from an ordinary conversation with my parents

2010-12-03T00:01:00.003+08:00

SCENE 1 - DINING ROOM

mama immediately throws me a question as i entered the house.*

*translated from a mixture of hokkien and taglish conversation

MAMA: do you have a bible?

ME: (gives a blank and far-off look)

PAPA: why are you silent? you don't read your bible anymore, do you?

ME: well...it has been a long time...i know have a bible in my room....i'm just trying to remember where i placed it.

MAMA: would you please go to our room when you have found it? i need to ask you something...

SCENE 2 - PARENTS' BEDROOM

ME: so what is this about?

MAMA: i just need you to look for a verse. can you check out deuter...deutore...deutoron...

ME: you mean deuteronomy?

MAMA: yes! that's it! chapter 47 please.

ME: (searches the new testament for deuteronomy, finds the chapter, then stops in thought for a minute) it's chapter 47, right?

MAMA: yes.

ME: and it's deuteronomy, right?

MAMA: yes.

ME: that's funny. there's only 34 chapters in deuteronomy.

MAMA: but that is what is written here! (looks at her cellphone and scrolls for the message) oh wait, the message is not here anymore. but that is exactly what i remembered.

ME: (can't keep laughing out loud) maybe they were using a different bible!

mama scowls.

PAPA: you know your mom. the last time she opened a bible was during senior year in high school. there's a possibility she might just burn if she opens a bible right now.

THE END

pick-me-upper

2010-11-28T01:34:00.001+08:00

you know how some days are meant to suck no matter how hard you try to be positive and chipper about everything?

well, i have just proven to myself that smiling really makes a HUGE difference. try smiling in front of the mirror for no reason at all. and if showing your teeth seems to be such an effort, try thinking of something--anything-- that remotely makes you smile. put your heart in emulating peter pan: think happy thoughts, neverland, fairies and flying...you name it!

today has just been one of those bleak days. fortunately, i have a happy thought in the personification of my nephew.

i just absolutely adore this kid, and no matter how frustrating he could be sometimes, he still never fails to put a smile on our face.

happy thoughts...just keep them coming...

in an alternate reality...

2010-11-16T21:57:00.001+08:00

...i would be living in a place like this.

i would have my home near the shore so that i could wake up everyday to the smell of sea and sand. mornings would be spent sourcing for fresh food, while afternoons would be reserved for reading and relaxation. i would work my nights as a bartender or as a firedancer (!!!), and i would end my shifts without too much money but with a smile on my face.

one of the best things about living here is that wardrobe would never be an issue. how can anyone say no to a place where the perennial dress code is shorts, bikinis, and slippers? :D

diha sa bohol

2010-11-15T00:22:00.002+08:00

despite the hassles of packing and rushing to beat a flight, i would have to say that i will always love traveling. there is truly something marvelous about seeing everything for the first time, and the novelty of it all inspires you to do more in order for you to see more.

bashful tarsiers

going to panglao island in bohol was a very welcome respite. the beach was clean and although there were several bars and establishments catering to tourists, it was not as chaotic nor as commercialized as what boracay had become. the primitive had somehow blended in with the new, and seeing a ford pick-up or an internet cafe in the middle of so much greenery just seemed so random. it's almost amazing to think that huge patches of land haven't yet been turned into commercial complexes, and i do hope that those lands stay as pristine as when i had seen them into the far future.

walking in panglao's alona beach

rasta bar at the beachfront

night lights at alona beach

in search of fresh seafood

bohol is one of those places in the country that is really tourist-friendly. boholanos make sure that you don't only get to enjoy the sights, they also make you feel very welcome. most of the tourist sights are packed with people, but unlike in some other parts of the philippines, these places are hardly lacking in toilet, security, information, retail, and transportation facilities.

sandugo (blood compact) monument

baclayon church, one of the oldest churches in the country

monty python :D...not really

king eagle

makes me think of love and forever...aww!

well-behaved pigeons

cruising along loboc river...the scenery was majestic

barrio lasses doing a mean (good way!) barrio dance

trees to heaven at the man-made forest

verdant chocolate hills

in butterfly kingdom

my ideal snooze place!

blessed

there are still so many places to discover in my country, but for now, i am IN LOVE with bohol.

all good things must come to an end

2010-11-08T01:12:00.001+08:00

upon hearing that NU would be on its final days in the airwaves this past week, i tried to get as much listening time as i could tuned in to this station.

a big part of my growing up years has been pegged by listening to NU107. zack and joey would prime me up for early and lousy school days, and remote control weekend was something to look forward to when i had no choice but be stuck at home. through this station, i got my first taste of british rock (oasis, scouting for girls, etc.), got "educated" by smashing pumpkins and red hot chili peppers, and got a bit indoctrinated by system of a down. heartbreak was downed with guns n' roses, nine inch nails, and the killers, while falling in love was made more memorable with goo goo dolls and blink 182. eventually, i got to appreciate local talents such as wolfgang, greyhoundz, razorback, sandwich, pedicab, bamboo, etc.

NU was my guilty pleasure. outwardly, i was the image of societal conformity--i got good grades, adored the spice girls and backstreet boys, got into primping to stay pretty always. but secretly, i yearned for the rockstar life, dreamed of being "penny lane" (from the movie "almost famous"), and got insanely jealous of gwen stefani when she married gavin rossdale (this is a TRUE story).

sadly, the good ones are almost always the first to go. they say it's because the station lacks funds...if i win the lottery next week, i'll send a windfall to the management just to keep NU alive.

i know i'm not the only one mourning today, but as the dj's mentioned in their final goodbyes, we all have to move on...but NU will be surely MISSED.

NU107.5, it has truly been one hell of a ride listening to you for the past 10 years. for us, NUrock will always live on!

singlehood

2010-11-06T15:24:00.001+08:00

i have been officially single for quite some time.

it has taken me months (more than a year actually) to really accept my new status, but accept it i have. it didn't help that several of my friends have been getting married left and right, and that being single has some sort of stigma attached to it. at my age, when people hear that you're single, they almost always immediately assume that you would want to be set up with someone (with good intentions, of course), or there must be something hideously wrong with you (physically or psychologically).

i'm the type of person who likes to keep things under control and at bay, so in the advent of emotional turmoil, i immersed myself in a flurry of activity. i rarely allowed myself to be idle. even in those days where i was on vacation, my mind was preoccupied with stuff that has nothing to do with rest and relaxation.

it came crashing down on me a few months back, and it was excruciating. it was the first time in a long long time that i felt truly alone and vulnerable. i underwent the whole break-up - anger - acceptance - phase in retrospect, which absolutely aggravated my loneliness and self-pity. but like every other phase in our lives, it all had to end eventually (thank you, lord!).

so here i am, officially single and still a work in progress with regards to status singledom. i'm still in the dark on the how's and why's of singlehood, but most of the time, i'm loving it. excluding my parents, i like the fact that i don't have to answer or "report" to anyone if i want to go somewhere. there's a certain self-empowerment in knowing that i can be more spontaneous and go into spur-of-the-moment adventures without thinking of anyone else other than myself. selfish, i know, but i have been living the "selfless" life for a number of years, so i'm taking this whole "selfish" phase as some sort of catching up for the selfless years. being single is not as bad as i initially thought it would be. :)

am i ready for a new relationship? no. and the funny part is that that is the one thing a lot of people do not comprehend. saying "let's be friends" is not my way of playing hard to get; i really mean it when i say it. after having lived in a semi-cocoon for quite awhile, getting to know new people has become a novelty for me. the differences i see between me and other people somehow highlight the quirks and little things i should love about myself. part of this whole singlehood experience is rediscovering myself, and as narcissistic as this may sound, i think i need to fall in love with myself first before i go into another relationship.

now i'm sure this is all going to be one big adventure...