Behavior 911

Wise parents

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Sat, 20 Apr 2013 11:10:00 +0000

Does whining work?

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 11:14:00 +0000

Spring has sprung here in Shanghai. Winter clothing has been packed away and new spring/summer clothes line the closets. For our daughter Livia this is the first night a nightie is worn instead of long winter pajamas. This change is however not welcomed. Livia wants pants. Not because it is cold, but because she has worn pants for the last four months. "Why change now?" she protests.

As I write this, Livia is whining in her bedroom, "I want pants. I want pants." Like other children, she can repeat a sentence like this a hundred times or more until she finally falls asleep (Last night the 15 minute whine was about her having one less blanket).

So, as a parent what are our options as we sit here in our bedroom?
1.) Try put up with the whining for a few minutes but then rush into her bedroom and give her some pants.
2.) Go in and remind her that it is warm enough for no pants. "You won't be cold."
3.) Try to ignore it.

What is a pro and con of each choice?
1.) If we give her what she is whining about, we send the message: WHINING WORKS.
2.) If we remind her of the futility of her request: THE WHINING WILL MOST LIKELY BE EXTENDED. There is no benefit in reasoning with a whining child. No one, including adults, can think clearly and logically in an emotionally-charged situation.
3.) If we choose to ignore it we teach: BEGGING AND WHINING ARE NOT EFFECTIVE TOOLS.

Livia was sound asleep within 20 minutes. Writing this helped me ignore it.

Making it a great evening,

Wayne

Being a parent

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 12:26:00 +0000

iDad

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 11:50:00 +0000

Hurt or Heal

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 13:52:00 +0000

Image credit: docstoc.com

Quiet spray

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 09:21:00 +0000

Our hallways have been notoriously noisy (for years, I understand) when students change classrooms. This is my new "weapon of warfare" for the hallways. I will keep it on my desk. When I hear noise in the hallway, I could, if desired, walk out and spray as many students as possible (Don't worry, it won't be in the eyes or anything and it's only aqua).

Who says being an school leader can't be a little fun?!

Sleepless in Shanghai

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Fri, 28 Dec 2012 13:54:00 +0000

"What time does your child go to sleep?" This is becoming my new favorite question here in Shanghai. It is common place to hear children playing down at the playground at 9:00 p.m. and to run into young families around town with their small children out late at night.

Image credit: thelowkeys.com

Tonight while waiting in line at an ATM, we started talking to a couple with a 3 or 4 year old boy who attends preschool from 8:30 a.m. to 5:00/6:00 p.m., Monday through Friday. I asked whether he took a nap today at school. His mother sadly replied, "No, not today." A few questions later I asked the mother when their son goes to bed. "Well, because he didn't nap today, probably between 9:30 and 10:00."

WOW! This is completely foreign to us. Our daughter goes to bed at 7:00 p.m. when she HAS a nap and around 6:00 p.m. if she does not nap.

One thing we know is that when our daughter has enough sleep, she is a much happier child. And a happy child makes for happy parents. When she doesn't get enough sleep she is moody and fussy which normally results in some poor choices.

What are your thoughts on children and sleep?

Should we let our child make mistakes? Mess up? YES!

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 13:31:00 +0000

This post was inspired by recent lessons in our young married Sunday school class.

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The following is a challenging, yet powerful, prayer to pray:

"I pray that my son and daughter make lots of mistakes when they are young and when the price tag (consequence) is small, so they are prepared to make good choices and solid decisions when they are no longer under their parent's care; and when the price tag could potentially be life or death."

My prayer continues with something like: "I pray for strength and wisdom to hold back when mistakes are made. Let us me get in the way of my son and daughter learning value lessons in making choices and decisions."

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Do not protect your child from mistakes (Obviously, it is another issue if the situation is a safety concern). If we over-shield our child while they are young, they will run to us when they reach young adulthood for our protection and support.

Basically, if we always rescue a child during the first 18 years of life, the child may come to expect rescue during adulthood. Additionally, as parents, we will be in the habit of rescuing and will voluntarily extend our hand of help when our adult child is experiencing a challenging situation i.e., loss of employment, unable to pay college tuition or living expenses.

Our job as parents is to prepare our children to be independent and responsible citizens. Let's not hold them back.

With something to think about,

Mr. Russell

Out-of-school & in-school causes of misbehavior

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 13:58:00 +0000

Discipline with Dignity offers a great overview of the causes of both out-of-school and in-school causes of misbehavior.

Out-of-school causes

Effects of the media (violence on TV and video games)
A sense of entitlement ("me first" attitude)
Lack of a secure family environment (divorce, child abuse, etc.)
Diminished social civility (politicians name-calling and put-downs, offensive song lyrics. "If adults do it, why can't I?")
Concentration of poverty (low socioeconomic status)

Consider polling teachers: Which out-of-school cause do you believe has the GREATEST impact on misbehavior in your classroom?

We have limited control on what happens outside of school, but knowledge of a child's home life is critical for building strong, healthy relationships with students and families.

In-school causes

Competitive environment (with regard to academic achievement and behavioral improvement... competition is BETWEEN students instead of WITHIN each student. Individual's improvement is not being adequately acknowledged)

Student boredom

Powerlessness (students do not have a voice)

Unclear limits (little clarity on what types of behavior will and will not be tolerated).

Educational opportunities are earned, not given (Field trips, class parties are taken away for poor behavior)

Lack of acceptable outlets to express feelings (no good ways to release emotions and thoughts)

Attacks on dignity (students see themselves as losers and have ceased trying to gain acceptance in the mainstream i.e., they would rather be recognized as a troublemaker than be seen as stupid)

As a school/grade level, how can we address these potential causes?

One Idea:

Form a school discipline committee. The committee tackles one of the in-school causes. Have teachers, administrators and support staff sign up for the committee. Grouping could be: four teacher spots, one admin spot, two support staff spots. Also, enlist a parent and a student to the committee.
Brainstorm ideas. Remember to keep the student's best interest in mind. (See example on Page 26 of Discipline with Dignity)
Develop a specific plan of action: What will be done, who will do it, when it will be done, and how it will be evaluated.

You could also do similar activities with a group of parents. Have them vote on what they perceive as the #1 in-school cause. You could then discuss, in a non-judgmental manner, the out-of-school causes.

With something to think about,

Mr. Russell

Image credit: focusforwardcc.com

The school office: to send, or not to send?

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Sun, 08 Jul 2012 02:54:00 +0000

There are basically three primary goals when disciplining a student or a group of students:

1.) Get back to teaching as soon as possible,
2.) Treat the student/s with dignity, and
3.) Maintain the teacher's authority.

This article focuses on the third goal: A teacher maintaining his/her authority in the classroom.

One way of the easiest ways to diminish a teacher's authority is by sending students outside the classroom. There are definitely times when a student should be removed from the classroom. However, this should be the exception, and by no means the norm. A teacher should, by all means, try to deal with the issue within the classroom.

When a teacher sends a student outside the classroom i.e., to another classroom or an administrators' office, the student indirectly receives the following message: "I don't know what to do with you. I can't handle you right now so I am sending you to someone else and they will deal with you." The teacher basically gives his/her authority to someone else.

If the primary goal is to remain teaching, you do not want to be pressured into taking a long instructional interruption to deal with a discipline issue. One effective strategy to quickly get back to teaching is to delay consequences. Read more about delayed consequences here. (Instead of "I'm busy preparing supper" it would be "I'm busy teaching right now.")

In some situations, a student may need another place to cool off. This also would give the teacher an opportunity to possibly cool down. There is a better way to remove a student from a classroom in these exceptions. A way that maintains a teacher's authority.

1.) Make an arrangement with an administrator that when you send a student to his/her office, the only thing the student should be doing is cooling off. The administrator could simple show empathy for the student i.e., "How sad, I know Mrs. Smith has a plan on how to deal with this. Don't worry about it." (This last phrase actually does the opposite - it makes the student worry and increases their seriousness towards the situation). The administrator should not try to solve the problem by engaging in a lengthy "lecture" style discussion.

2.) The teacher could meet with other teachers or the administrator later that day to brainstorm possible consequences and ways to deal with the discipline problem.

3.) When the teacher follows up with the student, he/she can have the administrator sit in on the discussion. All of the administrator's comments should reinforce the teacher's authority and professional know-how.

How do you see this strategy working for you in your school?

With something to think about,

Mr. Russell

Getting ready for another school year. A list of classroom procedures to consider.

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 03:16:00 +0000

Procedures add predictability to the classroom and are part of creating a secure learning environment. Procedures must be 1.) explicitly taught, 2.) practiced, and 3.) reinforced throughout the school year.

The following are important procedures to consider for a K-12 classroom:

How to enter the classroom (also when to enter the classroom. Should students remain lined up outside until an adult arrives at the classroom?)
What should students be working on at the beginning of class? (do now/first focus/morning work/etc.)
Where (and when) must students place completed assignments.
How a class will be quieted i.e., hand signal, short phrase.
How to get your attention when you are available AND when you are working with another student.
How to get permission to leave the classroom.
How to transition from whole group to small groups.
How to report something to the teacher i.e., bullying.
What students should do if they finish their work before others.
When to sharpen a pencil ("Pencil sharpener closes at 9:00 a.m."/"Pencil sharpener is only open during morning work.")
How/when to ask to go to the restroom i.e., sign language symbol for "r" and not during direct instruction.
The students and I love this one: How to greet a classroom visitor... "Hi, my name is Brendan. Welcome to 402 where every minute counts. We are currently learning about adding sensory details to our realistic fiction stories. Welcome."
How to walk in the hallway.
How to calmly respond to an emergency i.e., fire drill, lock down.
What students can do at the end of class.
What is the end of day procedure?

What other procedures do your students need? The more you focus on the small details now, the less issues you will have later. Be prepared!

With something to think about,

Mr. Russell

Nap time

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 02:39:00 +0000

Image credit: newgre.org

By Misty

"My two year old is absolutely exhausted and is begging for a nap, well at least her body is, her brain is all about staying awake and playing for as long as possible."

Does this scenario sound familiar? How do we tame the nap time tantrums? Here are a few tricks we use at home.

Visual cues work great when it is time for a nap i.e., we close the shades. After doing this our little one says "It's dark, time to sleep." What an easy way to train your child! Use this every day as part of your nap time routine.

Just like a bedtime routine is important, also create a predictable nap time routine. Our nap time routine is a lot shorter than our bedtime routine. It includes darkening the house, going potty, changing into comfortable clothes, and getting tucked in.

Another important fact to remember is that you cannot make a child sleep. You can only make them rest. In our house we tell our daughter she needs to rest and that she must stay in her bed (for at least two hours). This usually results in her falling asleep from the quiet stillness created in her room.

Remember, a well rested child is a happy child. And a happy child makes for a happy home.

Positive Language

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 02:32:00 +0000

Image Credit: thewordchef.com

A former colleague emailed me a link to a great article, Want Positive Behavior? Use Positive Language.

Our words and tone of voice are powerful. They can hurt or heal. I have always believed in the power of the tongue. Like a tiny rudder on a ship, the tongue can steer a child's behavior in two very different directions.

Go here to read more about using positive language to promote positive behavior in your classroom.

With something to think about,

Mr. Russell

Time-Out for Toddlers (And Preschoolers)

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 01:24:00 +0000

Image credit: blog.klm.com

When our daughter needs a time-out, usually for a tantrum, we simply respond: "Please go to your room and come out when you are sweet."

Upon any resistance we reply, "Do you want to go to your room with your feet on the ground or off the ground?" We basically give our daughter the option to either walk to her room or for us to physically carry her there.

Once our daughter is in her room we give her one more choice: "Would you like your door open or closed?"

Offering various choices gives her some power in the situation and in turn diffuses some of the frustration she is feeling at the time.

Try it and see what you think. You may need to repeat the simple procedure a couple of times for your child to realize what you mean by coming out with a sweet attitude. Have fun with it!

Go here for more on offering choices. And here for examples of choices.

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours.

Cheers!

Where We Turn To

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Thu, 28 Jun 2012 20:13:00 +0000

Where do we turn to when we have parenting questions?

Multiple Love and Logic resources. Their website is packed with great resources:

Discipline with Dignity. This book is mostly geared towards educators, but many of the principles can be applied to parenting.

Dare to Discipline. We agree with most, but not all, of Dr. Dobson's ideas.

Baby Wise. This book is not everyone's favorite. Our pediatrician actually doesn't like it. However, we have had some great successes with it.

IMPORTANT: We strongly encourage our parenting friends to pick and choose what they like out of multiple resources. One single program is not going to match your child and your parenting personality 100%. By picking and choosing, you develop philosophies that match your family's needs. This is the mindset we have with parenting our two kiddos.

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours.

Cheers!

3 reasons for success

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Thu, 28 Jun 2012 19:37:00 +0000

Child : "I can't do it. It's too hard."
Adult :"Aren't you glad I don't believe that?"

This is one of my favorite lines for when a child believes they cannot do something. A primary purpose of a child's education is to teach them that successful people are not born successful. Success normally comes through persistence, hard work, and a never-give-up attitude.

Here is a simple way to teach and reinforce the attributes of a successful person.

When I taught I created a large poster for our classroom that read:

REASONS FOR SUCCESS

I've been practicing.
I worked hard.
I kept trying.

When I would walk around the room to monitor learning, I would simply stop by a student's desk and point to a question or task that they had done well on. I would not say anything. When I had introduced the poster and it's concepts, I explicitly taught students that when I stopped and pointed at their work, it would mean that they need to identify which one of the three reasons for success they think had resulted in them doing good work. Without saying anything, I was asking, "Why did you get this right?" Although I was silent, the student would reply verbally with one of the three reasons.

This simple activity reinforced and recognized a student's persistence, hard work, or never-give-up attitude.

High-achievers believe that EFFORT results in their successes, NOT luck.
With something to think about,

Mr. Russell

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Pick up a copy of any Love and Logic parenting resource. You will not be disappointed! We enjoy this one.

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noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Wed, 27 Jun 2012 20:59:00 +0000

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We get sad, not mad. Showing empathy.

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Wed, 27 Jun 2012 20:17:00 +0000

Empathy is at the core of the Love and Logic approach. When a child misbehaves, we get sad, not mad. When our daughter misbehaves, we simply say, "How sad." Then when we share the natural consequence for her mistake, we strive to share it with empathy, not out of frustration or anger. We are by no means perfect, so we keep one another in check if we notice one of us acting out of frustration.

For example, if our daughter fails to wear her coat, she gets cold. We may say something like, "I'm so sorry you're cold, Livia." If Andrew misses the school bus, he stays home with an unexcused absence for the day. "What a bummer that you missed an after-school party on the day you were absent, Andrew" (Fay & Funk).

We want children to learn from their mistakes, right? Well, if we choose to reprimand them, we will probably loose an opportunity to learn. Consequences with empathy may result in Livia thinking, "Tomorrow I'll wear my coat" and Andrew deciding, "I'll wake up fifteen minutes earlier tomorrow."

CONSEQUENCES + EMPATHY = LEARNING

Here a few of my favorite Fay quotes on empathy and consequences:

"Consequences will do the teaching; empathy will lock in the learning."
"Empathy drives the pain of the consequence down into their little hearts, where it can be converted into wisdom."
"It is virtually impossible to transfer blame to someone who legitimately feels sad for you."

With something to think about,

Mr. Russell

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Pick up a copy of any Love and Logic parenting resource. You will not be disappointed! We enjoy this one.

Is your kid potty training? This is how we did it...

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Wed, 27 Jun 2012 17:03:00 +0000

As of last week, we are proud parents of our first potty trained child (Now we only have to change one baby's bottom). The process took about two weeks to completely perfect. Our daughter now asks to use the potty no matter the location: home, gym, stores, and restaurants. While swimming this morning, she asked to use the potty three times. Then when she woke up from her nap, she independently went to the bathroom, got undressed, used the potty, wiped, and redressed.

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

1.) At around 18 months old we began MODELING. We would let her in the restroom while we used the toilet. We would talk through the whole process each time, from lifting the toilet seat to flushing and washing our hands. After a while Daddy started asking for a little privacy. Now she asks for privacy too.

2.) During the past year, we have consistently encouraged her to EXPERIMENT with using the toilet. She sometimes would go a week or two without having any Number Two accidents.

3.) We attended a great Love and Logic parent training a few months ago. They recommended us using the following line when a child has an potty accident, "THAT'S OKAY, YOU WON'T DO IT WHEN YOU ARE BIG." That is all we said every time she had an accident. After a while when a child is ready, something clicks in their mind and they decide they want to be a big kid and try to avoid potty accidents.

4.) When we arrive at a restaurant or store we make an effort to first visit the restroom. "HERE IS THE RESTROOM. If you need to go potty, tell me, and we can go here."

5.) Two weeks ago when it seemed our daughter was READY TO COMMIT, we pulled out all the stops. Nana made a fancy poster to track daily progress. She received one sticker each time she went potty. We are not normally edible-reward parents, but we decided to also give her one M&M each time (We learned that the blue ones were the coveted ones. Using M&Ms also reinforced colors).

6.) DON'T LOOSE HEART. We tried a 3-day potty boot camp a month before her second birthday, but with limited success. We also tried again four months ago, but with short lived success. We knew she could do it, but she just wasn't ready to commit. Now, when she was ready, she was ready. Diapers out, undies in. HOORAY!

Have fun with it. It is a challenge, but well worth all the effort.

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours.

Cheers!

Driven by love

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 18:46:00 +0000

When we discipline our children, what motivates us? Discipline must be motivated by LOVE, not anger. During the process of discipline you want your child to know and understand that you love him/her too much not to do anything. Try using this line when sharing the consequence, "I love you too much not to do anything."

Do we sometimes find ourselves disciplining out of anger? At a recent parenting seminar, an interesting idea was shared. The presenters believe that a big reason for the increase in child abuse is the unwillingness to delay consequences. By delaying consequences, we buy ourselves time to cool down. We also have time to determine an appropriate consequence. You can learn more about delayed consequences here.

Remember, "Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it" (Harold Hulbert).

With something to think about,

Mr. Russell

A Shepherding Story

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Sun, 24 Jun 2012 02:58:00 +0000

Image credit: blog.adw.org

By Wayne Russell

My mentor recently shared an interesting story behind the phrase, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." (If you are like me, I have always assumed that this exact phrase is in the Bible. However the closest the Bible seems to have to this phrase is, "Whoever spares the rod hates their children.") However, the exact wording is not what really interested me: It was the shepherding metaphor of 'Sparing the ROD.'

Rumor has it that shepherds would actually break the leg of a habitually wayward sheep with the hook of the rod in order to teach the sheep loyalty and obedience. It was a disciplining technique. After breaking, the shepherd would reset the sheep's leg, splint and bandage it, and carry the sheep on his shoulder until the broken leg healed. The sheep would never stray away again.

It is also believed that the hook of a shepherd's rod was used to pick up a sheep that had fallen. Our children fall, they get hurt, physically and emotionally. We come beside them and lift them up. We kiss their boo-boos, and we comfort their hurting hearts.

Most importantly, the rod was used to help guide and direct the sheep. Isn't parenting all about guiding (and loving)? We guide our children through the complexities of life so that when they enter adulthood they are prepared. My mentor puts it this way, "Discipline means to guide, not punish."

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours.

Cheers!
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Read more about Shepherds and Rods here.

What Our Mentors have Taught Us

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Sat, 23 Jun 2012 19:15:00 +0000

It is not child abuse to say 'No.' - KMT

Discipline means to guide, not punish. - KMT

You can't make a child nap; you can only ask them to rest. - KMT

Never do something for a child that they can do for themselves. - DVH

Don't expect a child to know how to do something if you haven't taught them. - DVH

Talk and read to your babies all the time. - KMT

You can have a great family, while still making a great contribution in the work you do. - KMT

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We will continue to add one-liners as we remember them and as our mentors share more.

Getting Teeth Brushed

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Sat, 23 Jun 2012 01:47:00 +0000

By Wayne Russell

What sparked this post? A recent comment by a mum saying that some mothers and websites suggest the following solution when I child does not want to brush his/her teeth:

Go the the store and buy different flavored toothpastes, sometimes up to four different flavors.
Then ask your child at each brushing which flavor they would like to brush their teeth with: "Which toothpaste would you like to use tonight, very berry, fruit punch, strawberry or watermelon?"

This advice is flawed for a number or reasons:

It is a difficult solution. We have a hard enough time keeping our child's snack selection stocked. Worrying about whether we need to buy another tube of fruit punch toothpaste is ridiculous.
It could make your child more demanding. Will they want four different colored toothbrushes?
What if you loose their favorite flavor and then you have to convince them that strawberry is just as good as bubblegum? Are you going to send your spouse on an emergency store run for toothpaste?

Here are some things that have worked very well for our family:

When our daughter fusses about brushing her teeth, before or during teeth brushing, we say one of our favorite lines, "Only girls that brush their teeth get treats." It is an effective reminder that the reason we brush our teeth is to take care of them so that we can eat that small bowl of frozen yogurt once in a while.
We only have one toothpaste flavor at a time. If our daughter is with us at the store we will let her choose the flavor. The other day while at Target we were even able to convince her to choose the Little Bear toothpaste instead of the coveted My Little Pony one (Little Bear had 33% more toothpaste than My Little Pony and cost the same. Yes, we are probably too frugal!)
The only choice we sometimes give our daughter regarding brushing teeth is, "Do you want to brush your teeth first or your hair?"
During teeth brushing, we always encourage our daughter to be a helper by sitting/standing still. When she is being uncooperative (wiggling around or not keeping her mouth open) during brushing we say that simple phrase, "Only girls that brush their teeth get treats."
During our daughter's first dentist visit, her dentist encouraged us to introduce flossing. Our daughter now allows us to floss her teeth every evening before bed without any fuss. She has internalized that she needs to look after her teeth.

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours!

Cheers!
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Pick up a copy of any Love and Logic parenting resource. You will not be disappointed! We enjoy this one.

Child Safety 101

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Sat, 23 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Curious, how do you keep your child safe? Physically, emotionally? Yes, I know this is a very broad question/topic, but after taking this photo of our daughter this afternoon, it got me wondering about child safety, in general.

Cheers!

3 Questions

noreply@blogger.com (Misty and Wayne) — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 17:27:00 +0000

By Wayne Russell

A former colleague, Mum Cassandra, asks herself the following three questions when any of her two children are acting up or being fussy:

Are they sleepy?
Are they hungry?
Are they off schedule?

Cassandra says, "If the answer is 'yes' to any of these questions then it's something I have to fix.".

Asking these three questions helps with delaying the consequence or deciding whether a consequence is even needed. Read more about delayed consequences here.

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours!

Cheers!