Behind the Clouds

Sleepless

2010-08-11T01:15:00.002-04:00

There it is. When the lights go out. There is the old grief, compounded. C is right. I have put up every wall I can, and I am running as hard as I can to ignore it, make it go away.
This house is so empty, like its heart has gone. The purpose to my life. My orbit has been knocked away off course, and I am drifting. Drifting in the sickness, drifting in the dark, drifting without a course. The night is my day, and the dawn my twilight. Only when true exhaustion hits do I answer the siren call of my dreams.
My dreams, once looked forward to, offer no real relief from the night, just more twisted visions of the past, mixed with the never ending search to find what I have lost.
I wake, more exhausted than when I fell asleep, in the afternoon, and begin again. Wall, ignore, run, hide, and ignore the emptiness. Fly from the silence. Push real love away because it just hurts more. Squeeze out life, for the sham.
All those voices drilled into me from childhood, crowd out the spark of good, and calm I try to sow. My days are nothing but exhausted running, and my nights filled with distraction till the exhaustion finally takes me.
Grief will eat a person from the inside out. Left to fester on its own, it weakens the soul, and kills from the inside out. Sickness from the outside in.

Spotlight

2010-03-22T14:33:00.002-04:00

Today, as I explored the feelings around being called 'Fatso' on the subway a year ago, I realized something. That woman made me feel like I was in a spotlight. That spotlight, I had been in before, where all my faults and some imagined ones where laid out before me and everyone else. Where I had no where to run, or hide.
I found everything in me trying to shrink, trying to hide. I was tense, and my stomach was a knot. I was right there in the emotion, and at the same time, part of my consciousness was trying to run, to dissociate from the stress of being there. Everything I did not allow myself to feel then, and everything I hid from them, I felt today.
There was so much physical to that feeling I almost lost the moment in feeling everything in my body.
Counseling is about the hardest thing I have done.... but I am in it with open eyes now. Even though walking into that office is hard, and I come out, with sore muscles, headaches, tired eyes, and tired body, I know that everything I lay down is something I never have to pick up again.

I did it, you know. I want to shake my fist at you. In defiance. The defiance I could not show then, I show you now. You. will. not. defeat. me.

Fighting to not stay where I am

2010-03-22T11:20:00.003-04:00

The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is
that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because
smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in
proportion to your fear of being hurt. ~~(Thomas Merton)

Its time to step out of my comfort zone. Its time to come out from behind the walls that I built to keep myself safe. I have clad myself in the pain of the past, unwilling to let it go, for the fear of not having an identity without it. Its time to lay it aside, brick by brick, and see that today is today.

The past has taken so much with it. But I can do nothing about it now. My job is to realize that I have survived what I have, and to move on.

Sometimes, yes it is hard to leave the past in the past. But the past with me, has been ruling my future, and that needs to stop. I have BEEN through, but I AM through it.

Its a hard thing to tell yourself that you are holding onto your pain because its comfortable.

Time for a change

2010-02-09T12:01:00.002-05:00

Change is in the wind I think. So now that I am 40,(Yes, I actually said it.) I think it's time to pull up the old weeds, dust off a few things, and change a lot of things. I have been becoming for a long time, its time for that foolishness to stop and time for me to get going. Hike the skirt up to the knees, kick myself in the butt, and get cracking!

So, what's the plan?

1) Ditch emotional baggage.

I am going to be doing that this year, and chucking all that stuff that has been holding me back. Its just baggage and if I want more later, I can add some. But really who wants baggage.

2) Formulate an action plan.

I am not quite there yet, but I know where I want to be at the end of the year. So with that in mind....

3) Set workable goals each month to meet and make change in my life.

There it is people, the plan.

Here were the goals for January. Learn to apply makeup, and start to take better care of skin and body in order to enhance physical appearance. I have watched hours and hours of YouTube tutorials, studied makeup, even gone to a makeup store to have my face done. Now that I know what I want to look like and what I don't, what I got from that is a basic knowledge of how to look more like a girl. That was step one anyway.

Goals for February..... No way man, I put them out here and I do not meet them? Nope. I will post them at the end of February. But they are trucking along rather nicely thanks. :)

Life is a really interesting thing. I have learned, it is what you make it. I am learning to make it positive, and good. :)

How a high control group works

2009-11-30T10:56:00.002-05:00

Robert J. Lifton, in his seminal work on thought-reform, Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism, proposed the following 8 characteristics of a high-control group .

1.

Milieu Control - Control of communication both from without and within the group environment, resulting in a significant degree of isolation from the surrounding society. Includes other techniques to restrict members' contact with outside world and to be able to make critical, rational judgments about information: overwork, busy-ness, multiple lengthy meetings, etc.
2.

Mystical Manipulation - The claim of divine authority or spiritual advancement that allows the leader to reinterpret events as he or she wishes, or make prophecies or pronouncements at will, all for the purpose of controlling group members.
3.

Demand for Purity - The world is viewed as black and white and group members are constantly exhorted to strive for perfection. Consequently, guilt and shame are common and powerful control devices.
4.

The Cult of Confession - Serious (and often not so serious) sins, as defined by the group, are to be confessed, either privately to a personal monitor or publicly to the group at large.
5.

The "Sacred Science" - The doctrine of the group is considered to be the ultimate Truth, beyond all questioning or disputing. The leader of the group is likewise above criticism as the spokesperson for God on earth.
6.

Loading the Language - The group develops a jargon in many ways unique to itself, often not understandable to outsiders. This jargon consists of numerous words and phrases which the members understand (or think they do), but which really act to dull one's ability to engage in critical thinking.
7.

Doctrine over Person - The personal experiences of the group members are subordinated to the "Truth" held by the group -- apparently contrary experiences must be denied or re-interpreted to fit the doctrine of the group. The doctrine is always more important than the individual.
8.

Dispensing of Existence - The group arrogates to itself the prerogative to decide who has the right to exist and who does not. Usually held non-literally, this means that those outside the group are unspiritual, worldly, satanic, "unconscious," or whatever, and that they must be converted to the ideas of the group or they will be lost. If they refuse to join the group, then they must be rejected by the group members, even if they are family members. In rare cases this concept gives the group the right to terminate the outsider's life.

Nano last day

2009-11-30T10:35:00.002-05:00

I should be frantically writing. I have been tearing my hair out. Getting here is the hardest thing I think I have done in a very long time. I do not think I have written like this....ever, and its HARD.

That is not why I stopped to write. I stopped to blog here because I have something using up my thinking space right now, and I need to get it out.

There is a science to setting up a cult, there is a knowledge of those things that you need to subjugate a person's will and common sense. So there has had to have been forethought, right? There has to have been intention.

That is what is bothering me right now. The fact that there was intention, forethought in two minds, four at most, behind what happened at GCC. It did not just happen.

What makes a person that.... evil? Why would you do such a thing, not just to those people who are following you, but to the thousands of kids who would pass through your care?

The eerie thing is, they knew we would not stay in their care, that eventually we would leave for the real world. How did they manage the silence all this time?

I am really dismayed by this thought. Not angry, though I am sure it will come when there is room, but shock, and dismay.

Okay back to writing.

Monday's Unique Rhythm

2009-11-16T18:28:00.002-05:00

Today after a long weekend for Ava at I, no longer than anyone's really, it just felt that way, she went back to school and I cleaned the house. I like cleaning on Mondays so that I feel like I am starting the week with a house that I can have people into.
I was also compelled to sort out my banking toon in World of Warcraft. He has WAY too much stuff, and it was all in a mess, so I spent 3 hours sorting that out. My friend Zosh in game gave me a chunk of gold to play with so I bought to more bank tabs for my guild bank, and then organized the heck out of it. I have one whole tab devoted to all the kinds of cloth in the game. One row of each. One tab full of metal and gems, one of shinies (enchanting mats and purples and blues) One tab of Anij's extra herbs and potions, and one tab of stuff I am not sure what to do with, and food. It was a lot of hard work, but I feel good. Now I can focus on what a bank toon is supposed to do, instead of worrying that valuable stuff is disappearing in the mail.
I did some writing too, though not so much as yesterday, because remembering some of this stuff is making me emotional. GRR.
Ava is experiencing some attitude issues lately, and I am trying hard to ignore her tantruming and attention demanding and praising those things she does that we like, so that she is not learning to like any kind of attention.
I am kind of tired tonight, and just want to head off to bed. I am actually liking keeping the house up. It used to be harder than this, but I think little improvements over time will help. Bookshelves are my next hope.

Gratitude list!

2009-11-14T20:24:00.002-05:00

I am grateful for my new home. Its really wonderful, just perfect for Ava and I. Its small, but cozy, and warm, and its all mine. Thank you so much, because when I blogged on paper what I wanted in a home, you answered and gave me this house! Thank you!

I am grateful that I have had the life I have, with the experiences that have made me strong when I needed to be and weak when I needed to be. I thank you for ALL of my life. Because I am who I am because I have been who I have been.

I am so grateful for my children. They are my life's blood, and they teach me everything. I did not love before they were in the world. I did not live before they were here. I was nothing, but now, I am their everything, and they are my everything.

Way too long

2009-11-14T20:09:00.002-05:00

Like the rest of my friends and the people I know, we have blogs and blog not. *sigh* Okay so tonight I blog and I am going to put a sticky beside my computer to remind me that as the day gets on, I will blog. I will use my voice and I will blog.

For now, I found a story that I wrote a while ago, and I need to show it again, because I dunno where it came from, but here it is again.

"There is a very sad little man who sits in his home, at his computer and what he does is spend his life drinking, and trying to hurt people.
He has a girlfriend, or something, that he does not love. He has a mother that he does not love. He does not love anyone, because he is incapable of loving anyone but himself, and the sound of his own voice raised in hatred.
When he was young this angry young man went to school, and made everyone very much aware that he was a mouthy lad, and that he was in control. Or so he thought. He tried very hard to be in control. He tried very hard to show that he was not inside, a very small, very scared little boy. You see, this sad little man, was a sad little boy, who was not a victim of anyone but himself. But he tried to make the world see that he was tough, not scared. That he was angry, not afraid. He was convinced that the world would see nothing but his act and let him have the power he craved, instead of the love he needed.
As he grew up, people feared him, and he liked that. He liked the power he got from intimidation. He liked to see the fear in the eyes of the women he raped, and slapped, and beat. Those friends he wanted to keep, he punched, belittled, and humiliated right out of his life. And soon, the boy-man was lonely.
He could not understand why no one stuck around. Is it me? No, he dismissed that thought immediately. He just was not trying hard to find the right people. All through his life he kept finding the wrong people.
Finally, there came a day when he found a group of people. These people were light, and life, and he wanted more than anything to be accepted and loved by them. At first, his charm and sense of humor made him fit in. But then the anger started to get out. People started to pull away, and in vain, and in fear, he did the only thing he knew how. He lashed out again and again at the people he wanted to be with. As he did, he watched as each one turned away in fear, and disgust. One voice spoke out. Tried to show him what he was doing. How his need to control through fear was creating a place where no one wanted to be. That made him very frightened. What if the voice was right. He must shut that voice up! NO ONE must know of his fear, or think that he was not in control.
He lashed out at the voice that spoke truth to his heart. He found the person, and he hit him again and again. He called on one of his 'friends' at the bar. Help me destroy this person he cried.
His drinking buddy offered him a knife, and some more booze. He drank and drank. In an alcoholic fog he stabbed at the person with the voice.

Waking up, hours later, he ran to his friends to greet them. Only to find he was alone. Alone but for the crazed man at the bar. Drink more his friend said. It will help the loneliness. So he did. And as he did he began to see that he was right. Who needed all those weak people anyway. He had his friend, and he had his booze.

A few month's later, he heard his booze buddy was sick. He left his usual spot at the bar and in an alcoholic fog headed out to see his friend. His friend was dying. He looked at his 'friend'. And he walked back to the bar, swallowed more and more booze, to hide from the fear, to hide the pain, and because his booze was now his only friend.

Years later, when the man himself was dying, he looked around at the wreckage he lived in. He had never found the people of light and love again. They had left him. He did not care about his drinking buddy. But he was alone, he was lonely, and he was dying.

In anger he cried out to the Universe, HEAR ME!! I was a child, alone, I was angry that I was alone. I had friends but they never were good enough for me. I had women, but they were cheap sluts who left me. I found the people of light and love, and they took me into their circle, only to leave, the cheap assholes. There is not ONE person on this planet that is my equal!!!! With that, he died. Alone. Unsung. The people around him left him where he lay, and walked away. "

Written by Marion Morton

Dunno where my head was at that night!

I didn't tell anyone I was doing it today.

2008-04-28T17:59:00.003-04:00

I donated my hair today.

I cut it ALL off. I think I have been in shock all day. I cut off 12 inches of healthy hair, and I now sport a very structured very mod do. I am posting before and after pics.

I did not tell anyone really because I needed to really shake things up in my life, I really only made the decision to go all the way last night. I was still wavering this morning. But I actually feel good about this.

Oh and my hair is SO silky and healthy right now.

I am not terribly impressed with the woman who cut my hair. I felt like it was done in a factory. The woman kept shushing my tears of shock away with "Be HAPPY, you are doing something nice for someone." I KNOW that, but I have had long hair since I was 27. Its a bit of a shock. She was not sensitive, and she let me walk out of the shop with wet hair. I was freezing cold all afternoon.

But its done. :)

So here they are:

Me Before

After

You know what?

2008-04-24T17:17:00.002-04:00

I have had my same haircut for 7 years, minus the bangs, they are a feature that come and go. I have had long hair, with bangs for 7 years.

Now interestingly enough, I have had enough of this hair, and I am thinking of donating it to Locks of Love. I have the required length, I just need the courage to actually go through the cutting process. I am trying to think too, of just what haircut I really want. That is a tough one actually, since I have not had short hair in so long, and the last time I had short hair, I had brutally short hair, and it was yucky. Then I had to grow it out again, and that was gross, I had a bob and it was horrendous.

So I am trying to decide if I actually want to do it.

Here is the thing. The reason I want to cut my hair is because I feel stuck. In my spirituality, hair is energy, its power, and strength. But all my energy right now is really stuck, so in order to get unstuck I think I really need to shake the tree a little, and get rid of all the dead zones in my life. My hair feels like a dead zone. So, I have decided to cut it.

Again though, if I cut it, I am nearing the age where most women do not look good in really long hair anymore. Women of my body shape too really need to think about how short or they end up looking very round. I need to find a stylist who knows what she is about and is not looking to shear this client to get on to the next one because its about money.

Oh decisions, decisions!

I will keep you apprised.

In the still of the morning

2008-04-22T07:37:00.002-04:00

The little one is not up yet, and I am listening to motivational material. So I decided that at this moment I am going to post my gratitude for today:

1) I am grateful for spring, for its greening, warming, life energy.

2) I am grateful that I live in Toronto, because when I don't I will miss all the varied activities that I never went to when I was here.

3) I am grateful that I am good with my hands, that I can make and craft things.

4) I am grateful for new friends.

5) I am grateful for Vaseline, because it really is the ultimate moisturizer. My hands feel amazing and soft.

An honest talk with a good friend.

2008-04-20T21:47:00.002-04:00

In spite of Ava's presence, I have been single now for 38 years. I have never really found love. Not real love, just convenient answers to loneliness, none lasting over 6 months. So I was wondering why, what the heck is wrong.

So crying I went to my friend Lori's today. I can always count on Lori, she has been my best friend since we were 13 and 12 years old. That is a very long time. Needless to say, Lori has seen it all, and heard it all from me, as I have from her. So when I asked her some pointed questions, she was truthful with me.

So, its all well and good to sit here and blog, but there are some things to be worked on as well. So I am wondering if I should split this blog into two. One blog to deal with the butterfly emergence, and this one to deal with turning my name into a brand.

What do you think?

Forgive the silence

2008-04-18T07:26:00.002-04:00

I have been... really in my head. I really should stop but its funny, I get in there and I cannot get out.

But today I have a couple of catch up posts for you.

First gratitude:

1) I am grateful for the spring. Finally there is sun, and birds, and grass, and warmth.

2) I am grateful that there is such things as online TV shows that I can catch up on. Perhaps a little two often.

3) I am grateful for my friend Lori, who makes me try new things, and when I do, I can come home and make them myself.

4) I am grateful ..... I miss my brother.

5) I am grateful for Fly Lady because now I have a shiny sink, and it really does make all the difference.

Its Wednesday...

2008-04-09T07:30:00.002-04:00

and so first off...

1) I am grateful that the middle of the week is here, with its long slow slope into the weekend. Even though as a single stay at home mum a weekend is no different than the week, it still feels special. I guess because everyone on WoW gets to play all day!

2) I am grateful that I get to look at apartments and just dream of living there one day, there are tons of really interesting little spaces in Toronto. The bathrooms make them really odd, though. Sometimes the toilet is in the tightest little space. So cool.

3) Its going to be 18C today.... who does not love that?

4) I am happy that today thunderstorms are predicted. I hate them, they make me nervous, but I kind of missed that.

5) I am really grateful for toilet paper. :)

Good morning world.

2008-04-08T10:23:00.002-04:00

I am starting late because the muse bit me in the rear end this morning and I have been caught up writing the story that seems it needs to be told. Have not even had my coffee this morning.

The List:

1) So grateful for my family, odd and very eccentric as they are. I miss them desperately.

2) Friends who get me out of myself and out into the world.

3) My door.

4) My computer, my word processor, and my imagination. Long live Open Source Software!!!

5) I am ever so grateful to the people who opened their mouths about GCC and everything that happened there, grateful for everyone who is helping us stand up to the past, and grateful that somehow, we will be healed.

Day out

2008-04-06T08:19:00.000-04:00

I am grateful for a day out.

See you later when I will recap.

It was slow going this morning

2008-04-04T10:24:00.005-04:00

Every morning there is rain it is increasingly harder to get up. It must be a getting older thing, or just a me thing. Ava on the other hand had no such difficulty, she was up with the first hint of light playing away with my face. I tried to remain in that wonderful world between sleep and awake, and every time I got close Ava would yell or kiss me, or poke me. She is also very good at stealing the covers. At any rate she was successful in her attempts to wake me, and get me resentfully to the kitchen to feed her breakfast.

So here I sit, studying about blogging. Believe it or not, creating a blog, a successful blog requires you to know a good deal about things that I have never really thought much about. Thinks like RSS feeds, I have one now, and SEO (Search Engine Optimization), social bookmarking (Yay StumbleUpon), tagging, page rank, contextual advertising, traffic statistics. That is a short list. I have been reading people like: WWdn: In Exile, Problogger, and The Blogging Experiment.

All of this studying is the first part of the plan toward creating my own brand. The first phase is this blog. This blog is going to be an introduction to me, and why I am branding myself. Not only will it be a vehicle to chronicle the journey, successful or not, to branding myself, but its also a glimpse into why I want to do this in the first place.

Never mind that this project is the result of many, many, people's suggestions that I really need to write a book, Aaron, Darlene, and Brian being notable for this, but so many others have pushed me to do something similar. Aaron is actually a professional blogger as well, he blogs at Square State. I get his feed and read what he writes as well. So, having all of this inspiration around, what else could I have done. I succumbed.

Thanks for the inspiration, people and the gentle nudges that have got this whole ball rolling.

Naughty me...

2008-04-03T12:51:00.003-04:00

I nearly forgot to do the gratitude list. *gasp* How shocking!

Well, before you all go nuts waiting, here is my five for today.

1) Friends, I never know when you are going to pop up, or what you will say, but I am ever so grateful for your presence in my life, no matter how far you may orbit. Brian you know this is about you right?

2) Naps, I took a fast one just to try to get the little one to go down too, and it worked. She is asleep and I got a few minutes of recharging my batteries.

3) Garbage bags. Right now, I am in the midst of spring cleaning. Not the regular spring cleaning by the way, this time, everything that I have not used or worn in the last two months goes in the trash, or recycle, or Goodwill bin.

4) Coffee. 'Nuff said.

5) For the little one. She might have the loudest most ear piercing shriek, but it lets me know she is alive, and gives me a much deeper appreciation for silence.

Snowbound in spite of Spring

2008-04-03T10:11:00.002-04:00

I was inspired to write this post by a post in another blog I have added to my blogroll. Here is the post that inspired me. "I think this world is perfect...": Blossoms

And here is what the view from my balcony looks like today.

So... come on Spring!

When music says so much more

2008-04-02T16:49:00.002-04:00

A long time ago a friend Rob L shared with me a song that very quickly became an all time favorite of mine. I have listened to it to brighten my mood, or just enhance a quiet moment. It never ceases to bring tears to my eyes, so I thought I could share it with you.

Have a listen and watch the video, its beautiful too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiMwDagGOek

Why do I blog?

2008-04-02T11:11:00.003-04:00

I have maintained a blog for a while now, I used to use a Livejournal, but I have had to let that one die because of the flamers and others who just made it a negative experience. I started blogging in January 2003, and I was a fairly regular blogger there, and I have missed writing.
I write for several reasons. I like the way it clears my head. It makes room for other thoughts. It also helps me to maintain a perspective. I look back into the archives of that blog and I can see those things that upset me, and they mean so little to me now. But its also good to see the dreams that motivated me, still do.
I blog because its vanity. You know it is.
I blog because its like a slow conversation with friends I have never met, but hope to become acquainted with.
I blog because you read.
I blog because I read you, and want to reply, or comment. Or just inspire you because you have inspired me.

I blog for posterity.

First of all...

2008-04-02T07:50:00.003-04:00

My gratitude list:

1) I am very grateful that today here in Toronto, its not raining, and there is sun. It feels like the world is just singing right now, with almost all of the snow melted away, and the grass starting to peek out. Come on, Spring!

2) I am grateful for the fast thinking of mothers, and some helpers who when the little one could have been scalded she was not, because three pairs of hands stripped her tea soaked pants off of her before they had a chance to touch her.

3) I am grateful for the College streetcar. Its just a really nice ride. Someday I will post pictures. It goes through the neatest areas of town. You can even see the purple house, and the firetruck red one.

4) I am grateful for my friends, and you know who you are.

5) I am grateful for coffee. Its a truly wonderful thing. So is chocolate.

Good morning world! Its a truly wonderful day. :)

Gratitude

2008-04-01T11:04:00.002-04:00

Again this morning I get started with my gratitude list.

1) I am grateful for the time I have to watch my daughter grow, develop, and the chance it offers me to help her grow in to a good person.

2) Even though I live in a building that is being ghetto-ized by its newer residents, I have a roof over my head, and a sanctum that I can retreat to when things get overwhelming.

3) I am grateful that I have this blog, that I created something that I can put my time and effort into, even if it helps just one person, I have done something.

4) I am grateful for my success as a writer, as a speaker, and that it has allowed me to make some really wonderful changes.

5) I am grateful that I have the story that I do, it makes me really interesting. :)

I like making this list because its a five minute reminder of how much I truly have to celebrate.

Stumbling Upon....

2008-03-31T18:22:00.003-04:00

I use Firefox as a rule, and I added StumbleUpon to it. I have been Stumbling around the Internet for about 3 years now, finding some very interesting sites, and things that really interest me. Its a good way to spend a few minutes here and there when I have the luxury of being bored.
If you want to try it: http://www.stumbleupon.com

I was Stumbling tonight and I came across a movie trailer that really interested me. I am a gamer. I play World of Warcraft. I do love it, I play as often as I can. I know other people who play World of Warcraft, it tends to feed on itself, you meet people they play, they introduce you to other people who play. You tend to learn the language and talk it to others. Its almost a culture. Sometimes, it sneaks out into other parts of my life, and I find myself saying "wuh tuh fuh??" to someone and they give me funny looks.

So I was Stumbling and I found this link, which I now share with you.

I am off to play my BE Hunter Twink now. :-P

http://www.secondskinfilm.com/?id=trailer