Being Amy - Diary of a Transsexual Woman

Out of the Dark, Into the Light I: Dark Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Tue, 23 Sep 2014 04:14:00 +0000

(This entry was written on September 1, 2014)

Yes, it has been a long time. Most of the time I just didn't know what to write about. There was the routine of life, happy though it was for me. My muse had flown away. I wasn't going any further in my transition for the time being, and I was living the life of the average (more or less) stay-at-home mom.

Even now, I am only writing five months after this tragedy. I'm not dwelling on it anymore, as far as what happened, though I know that writing about this will bring memories and emotions to the surface. They must be dealt with, though - fully and completely. It's not that I haven't dealt with them, and I know that this dark hole I was in has changed me, and mostly for the better. I'll never be glad it happened, but I'm glad I was able to ride out the storm like I did, and for all the help and support I received along the way. And I'm so glad that I am the person I am today. More on that later.

These next few entries will be describing my journey from April of 2014 until now, September of the same year. Of course, we'll be in October before I'm done.

In April, Nikki broke up with me. She had grown increasingly distant and just so angry with me over the past couple of weeks. She cited two reasons:

1) That I did not have the female parts she wanted / needed. My surgery was nowhere in sight, and she couldn't take it anymore. She's a lesbian, and it seems as though she just held everything in for seven and a half years. That's a long time.

2) The fact that I wasn't working, and hadn't worked for almost seven years. I did always want to work, but she kept saying that she wanted me to stay home and watch the kids, and that someone needed to be there for them. That, and she said she liked being the one working, being in control, and the "head of the household," as it were. So I vacillated between looking for work, and not looking, and being the stay-at-home-mom. When things were fine money-wise, all was good. When we were struggling, she would be mad at me, and want me to look for work. So I'd look. Then stop. Then look again.

At the end of March, I saw that Nikki had put herself on a dating site called OkCupid. She wrote that she was, "Looking for an intimate encounter." She also was about to meet some girl named Jen, and that Jen's roommate didn't need to know. She was going to go pick her up, but Jen didn't write her back. I confronted her with this, and she said she put "intimate encounter" by mistake, and that she was only looking for a friend. Uh huh. That's when she told me the above reasons. The sheer betrayal of all this is just staggering.

I wanted to work it out. We talked for quite awhile. She ended up deactivating the profile, but then reactivated it a few days later and feigned ignorance. Before that happened, we had some errr, incredible moments in bed, but it felt different to me. It didn't feel like making love. I felt it, but I didn't feel it coming from her. It made me so sad. I knew I was losing her.

Okay, I'm getting teary-eyed here. The next night, she wouldn't even speak to me, and she wouldn't let me hold her to go to sleep, like we would always do. I waited until she fell asleep, and then I put my arm around her and cuddled up to her. I felt so lost though.

That morning, she handed me a piece of paper with flight information on it. She had actually booked me a plane ride back to New York. I refused to get on it, for several reasons. The first being that I didn't want her to dictate to me, to control me in that way. The second being that I didn't know where to go when I got to NY. What would I do, wander the streets of New York? The nights were still very cold. The last reason being that once I got on the plane, that would be it. There would be no turning back. Any sudden realization on her part would come too late. The plane would be the final nail in the coffin.

I wound up packing my things in a suitcase, and once Nikki got home, I just headed down the road. She called me an hour after I had left. She wanted to talk and work things out. I was coming up on a Target, hadn't made it to the highway yet. Not even close, actually. I told her to meet me at the Target. I sat in the car and talked to her. It turns out she was just trying to talk me out of walking the highway and hitchhiking. She didn't want to work on the relationship at all. I told her, "Then you shouldn't have come." I got out of the car and starting heading back to the road. She pulled away. My heart died.

Now I'm really crying. This story has to be told, though. My story must be told.

It started getting dark, so I doubled back and went into Target, wheeling my suitcase behind me. I got a flashlight and a pack of batteries. Nikki had been kind enough to give me some money, and this took a considerable chunk of it. A flashlight was the one thing I hadn't considered. While I was in Target, my phone started ringing. It was Nikki. I put it on silent and ignored it. I feared I would only be disappointed again. I headed back down the road, and checked the phone. She had called me over 40 times, and left so many messages that my mailbox was full. She was driving, looking for me, and frantically calling me. She was crying, and asking me to please come home.

I feel so very sad writing this, because this is my last happy memory of her. I was so glad, and felt that everything would be okay. I called her and had her meet me at a gas station. She picked me up, and we got Taco Bell, and went home. We went to sleep in each other's arms.

It didn't last. She was angry the next morning. She said the problems wouldn't go away. I had already started looking for work, but as everyone knows, getting a job takes time. The darkness came back with a vengeance.

We cancelled the plane ticket, but she was just so mad at me all the time. She resented me. I tried so hard to make her happy. Nothing worked.

One night, while she was sleeping, I looked at her phone. There was a text from Sarah (our oldest), asking her if she "still had that girlfriend." There was also a text to the aforementioned Jen, saying that the meetings with the school board were long and boring, but that thinking of her makes the time pass by quicker. She had also told me she was going to hang out with some friends from work in Tucson and stay the night at a hotel room, since they would be drinking. I found out she was actually renting a room with Jen in Phoenix, to go the Phoenix Pride Festival.

That was it. It was already 2 am, and I had my things packed and was out the door before 3 am. I left Nikki a note saying what I had seen, and that she broke her wedding vows, and I could not stay around to suffer like this. I left the kids a note saying that I love them, and will miss them so much, and to please know that they did not do anything wrong.

I walked 10 miles to the highway, pulling my suitcase behind me. Around 8 am, Nikki called me, telling me she was so sorry. I asked her how could she do this to me, and how could I ever trust anyone again? Of course, she had no sensible answer.

I had been up over 24 hours at this point. I laid down in a bushy area near the overpass to the highway, pulled a sheet over me, ate a banana, and then took a two-hour nap.

To be continued...

The Sporadic Blogger (Handfasting/Wedding Video Enclosed)

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 19:10:00 +0000

Okay, eight months later...

I find that I don't have much to write about, and when I do, I usually just post it on Facebook. Maybe I'll get in the habit of posting a bit sooner, but I won't make any promises there.

What's new?

Nikki has a permanent teaching job now! Yes, no more temporary contracts here. She loves her job. Our marriage is going great, though it isn't a huge difference in our day-to-day living. We were very close then, and we're close now. I'm still a stay-at-home mom. Housecleaning, picking up Skylar with the wagon (we have one vehicle right now), and just taking care of anything home-related.

Sarah is in eighth grade now. She's going to be in high school next year! Oh my gawd. To think, she was seven when I met her. She's having a problem turning in her homework. She's been grounded so many times, and she's still just not doing her homework. She's lazy, doesn't care about her grades, and wow, we're trying to get her motivated, but it's not easy.

Savannah is doing very well, and she's in sixth grade now. Almost all her classes are GATE classes. I don't remember what it stands for, but they're advanced placement classes. She's a bit of an odd kid (in a good way though!) in that she likes doing chores and schoolwork. She stayed home with a bit of a fever today, probably because she keeps going out with her coat unbuttoned. I've had to tell her four times this week!

Skylar is in first grade! She's doing very well on her ADHD medication. There's a possibility that her school might be closing at the end of the school year. The decision will be announced today. I really hope they stay open. This is the end result of education being cut. No wonder people in other countries wonder why we don't know anything.

There's a possibility we might be visiting New York in March. The kids will get to see their family, and I'll get to visit my grandma and a few friends, hopefully. The last time I was there, I found out after the fact that my father wanted to see me. I don't know if he knew what he would've been getting himself into. I had changed a LOT in the couple years since I moved away, and I had been full-time for years already. I'm willing to see him, but wow... it will be a bit awkward, to say the least.

I almost forgot to throw this in, but I was off my meds for a month or so (we were so broke at the time), and after going back on them, I started getting a massive development in the chest area! I think they might be small C's at this point. And they're still sore, which means they're probably still growing. I absolutely hated going off my meds for so long, as I got so greasy and felt so icky... but now I see it was all worth it. I'm not sure if other transsexuals have had so much luck with the breast growth. I can definitely say now that I am completely satisfied with the proportion of my chest to the rest of my body, and getting a "boob job" is not necessary.

I apologize for this, but I've added a Captcha to my comments. I didn't want to do this, but I was getting between 3 and 8 emails a day of spam comments. I have comments within two weeks of a blog post going through without moderation, so hopefully that will be a good enough compromise.

In closing, here's a video of our handfasting. Shea and Rick did such a wonderful job, and I'm amazed at the two of them in general. Enjoy. I hope everyone is doing well, and for all that celebrate, Merry Christmas! For everyone else, Happy Holidays!

For anyone who can't get the embedded video to work, click here.

Forgive Me, Blogger. It's Been Almost a Year Since My Last Blog. :P

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 08:01:00 +0000

Hell yes, I am still alive. No, I am not going to delete this blog, and probably never will. The problems I had with two former friends a year back really took it's toll on me. Then my good friend, Melissa, passed away. I was sad for such a long time after that. I just couldn't write a thing here.

Anyway, so what have I been up to?

I'm still in Arizona, with Nikki and the kids. Not only that, but big news, big news! Nikki and I are getting married next month! Yes, finally! It'll be a Wiccan handfasting, taking place on a big mountain here in Arizona, called Mount Lemmon. I can't wait to marry my baby!

We've gotten so much closer since Spring of last year (right before I stopped blogging). I remember wanting to blog about that, but I was afraid I would jinx it. We went through some really rough times a few months prior. I'm so happy to say that we've been solid as a rock since then.

What else is new? Skylar is almost done with Kindergarten. We're thinking of putting her in some sort of special education program, or classroom, next year. We're also going to start her on a (very light dose) ADHD medication. She just can't focus or control her impulses at all. I think she is a very bright kid. She just can't concentrate. So we'll see. Believe me, we have agonized over this for years, so it's not a decision made lightly. That said, it's one that could be easily reversed if need be.

Savannah was in another school at the beginning of the school year, in a class for gifted kids. It was a lot of stress for her, and she was crying almost every night. We had to put her back in her old school, as it was just too much for her.

Sarah will be in 8th grade next year. Wow! Savannah and her will be going to the same school for just next year, so they can walk together. Sarah is doing pretty well in school, and isn't so overwhelmed by homework as last year.

And Nikki? Nikki is a teacher now! Yes! She made it! Unfortunately, it was only a contract for this year, so she's looking for work again for next school year, starting in August. But she's doing such a good job, and that's a lot, because she's working with a hard group of kids.

And me? I have a new YouTube channel (click here), so feel free to pop by, say hello, and subscribe! If you want to, that is. I play computer games and commentate over them. Right now I'm playing Skyrim. Wow, that game is so much fun. In 40 years, I hope they come up with a virtual reality game like Skyrim. Then put my brain on ice, and I'll live in the game until a cure for death can be found. Ha ha!

As far as the channel goes, I do have exactly one video where you can see me. It's under the "Miscellaneous" playlist, and it's of me opening up my new MEGA computer system from iBuyPower. (The IRS was kind to us this year.) All the other videos are of me playing through vintage/retro/classic games, but I am going to be putting up Battlefield 3 and Crysis 2 videos eventually. Oh yes, and I'll be playing Portal and Portal 2 with my two older daughters soon. I'm really looking forward to that.

So what has everyone been up to since last June?

Funny Video Friday: Lazy Teenage Superheroes (short film)

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 05:34:00 +0000

Just in under the wire, another funny video for Friday. Yeah, I know, I know... I've been awfully busy with the kids off of school and all that. Same old story. Anyway...

Zombie Awareness Month is now over, which may be a relief for those who are not zombie fans. Now how about... superheroes? Anyone who likes Heroes will like this too. Perhaps they'd even find it superior to Heroes.

This is about a bunch of lazy teenagers who just happen to have super-powers, and super baddies who want to kill them. Oh, and there is one teen in the mix who doesn't have any powers at all. I'd hate to be that guy.

I know it's a bit longish, at just under 13 minutes. If you watch it, let me know what you think!

"What the hell is that thing?"

"Chamelicon. Shape-shifting robot. He's always had it in for us."

"Get out, like a Transformer?"

"Decepticon with Downs Syndrome, maybe. I think he still runs on MS-DOS or something."

Funny Video Friday: Left 4 Dead - The Interactive

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Sat, 28 May 2011 05:18:00 +0000

I made it! It's now just after 10 PM in Arizona, so yes, it is still Friday. Ha ha! ;)

I did get a few good suggestions for today's Funny Video Friday. They were either of zombies and not funny enough, or way too specific to the Left 4 Dead video game, which I would love to play, but never have. In any case, thank you for the suggestions, Naomi!

This is also based on Left 4 Dead, but can be entertaining for anyone who enjoys fine zombie fare. This is a series of interactive videos. Choose which character should lead the others, and see the outcome. The follow-up videos are much funnier than the starting one, so give it a try.

"I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum... and I'm all out of gum."

"Actually, Davis, I've got some right here if you want a piece."

"Goddammit, Husky! I was trying to be all cool and dramatic, but no - the moment's gone, so just shoot your goddamn rocket launcher."

Plethora

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:25:00 +0000

What? Something other than a "Funny Video Friday" post? Yes, yes, it's true! Things have been going pretty quietly lately, save for the deranged wailing of a couple lunatics. They really aren't worth my time or effort, so onward with other things.

The kids' last day of school was yesterday. Within four hours of getting home from school, Sarah started saying how bored she was. Oh boy. She was crying because she missed two of her friends. She had just seen them a few hours previous. Anyway, those two will be sleeping over our house in a couple weeks. That should be interesting.

Skylar's last day was actually last week. She'll be going into kindergarten in August. Wow! When I first made Skylar's acquaintance, she was only six months old. She has grown so much, into a little person... with her little hands in everything. Skylar keep asking me if she's going to start kindergarten tomorrow, and if she's going to be in Savannah's classroom. Same school, kid. Different class.

Savannah's class had all received t-shirts that say, "I Run..." on them. There was a space below to fill out a "reason" for running. Savannah wrote: "Because I'm hyper." Pardon my bad English, but ain't that the truth! For some reason, Savannah seems to be the only one of our daughters who doesn't mind school being out.

And now for a different sort of education. The Wicca classes I mentioned way back when (see the bottom of the entry), will finally be starting in late June. They'll run for two hours a week on a weekday, for eight months. Nikki and I will both be attending. I can't wait! The reason this was delayed so much, was that the High Priest's and High Priestess' son passed away a few months ago. Naturally, everything was put on hold for awhile. I sent them my condolences, of course, however ineffectual that may have been. I can't even begin to imagine such a loss.

Nikki and I are very excited about tonight. We're going to a "girl's night out", at a local restaurant, with a few friends, and quite a few new people (soon-to-be friends, I hope!). I know it'll be a lot of fun. I'll post the whole rundown here.

We're following up on Saturday, with a party at our apartment complex, celebrating Nikki's graduation from hell! She worked at a school with some really abusive, crazy middle schoolers... and the staff was even worse. The teacher and principal harassed her at every opportunity, in an attempt to get Nikki to quit, or do something that would be grounds for terminating her employment. I first wrote about that horrible mess over here.

Therapy has been going well, and we've been discussing quite a few heavy topics. I first mentioned this new therapist here. I do feel a lot more comfortable around this guy now. Well, as comfortable as I can be around any guy anyway. He has a very dry sense of humor, which suits me just fine. It didn't show up during our first session, but wow, is it making appearances now. He's funny. He's easy to talk to, but he tends to challenge me with questions to make me think. Most of the time, I know the answer to his question, or at least part of it. It's just that putting heavy issues like that into words when put on the spot... yeah, it's kind of hard sometimes. But then, it's supposed to be.

Tomorrow is another Funny Video Friday, and my last zombie-related vid for Zombie Month, or Zombie Awareness Month, what-have-you. The only thing is, I'm out of funny zombie videos. Any suggestions?

Thanks for reading!

Funny Video Friday: Your Mom Hates Dead Space 2

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Fri, 20 May 2011 22:48:00 +0000

Zombie Month rages on. The developers of the PlayStation game, Dead Space 2, had a few mothers come in to watch some of the game footage and give their candid views and opinions of the game. They then included some of this footage in a series of YouTube promotional ads. Here are three of the videos. In my opinion, the mother's reaction in this first video is the funniest, and hey... she only 'medium disapproves.'

Everyone else strongly disapproved of this game. Some of these parents are featured in the second video. What a clever promotion. If your mother hates it, than it must be completely awesome!

"It's gooey! I call it 'gooey,' `cause, you know, they took the guts out, and took the, uh, colon, I mean, you know, the bone structure."

Celestine

The Other Moms

Here's Celestine Playing Multiplayer Against Marci

"I'm pissed off now. Too many of them little babies."

Funny Video Friday: Mighty Car Mods - How to Zombie Proof Your Car

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Fri, 13 May 2011 19:19:00 +0000

Zombie Month continues! Mighty Car Mods is a YouTube show. There are episodes and seasons... all that. I'm not sure if they're broadcast on any actual television network. But hey, if there's a zombie apocalypse and a complete breakdown of civilized society, this would be the kind of vehicle you'd want. They tell you how to turn a Nissan Pathfinder into a veritable armed fortress. These guys even go over weaponry and suggested reading material. Some of the books are a bit... interesting. Disturbingly enough for some of them, they're real. I looked one of them up on Amazon. You'll know which one I mean when you come to it. By the way, I do have a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. Good stuff. Also, the music they play during this episode is excellent.

For the squeamish of heart, there are no zombies shown in this video. There are plenty of good plans on how to survive meeting them, though.

So lock and barricade your doors and windows, and then sit down and enjoy a cool one, while watching, "How to Zombie Proof Your Car."

"Now, make sure you've got heaps of spares. Spare tire, spare fuel, lots of tools to keep your car going, as well as a squeegee to clean the zombie guts off your windows. Sometimes molotov cocktails go wrong. Make sure you've got a fire extinguisher."

Retro Gaming

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Wed, 11 May 2011 22:33:00 +0000

I've been going back to the `80's with some old games that I enjoyed back in the day, and just never got to finish for one reason or another. I'm very thankful for all these awesome (and free!) emulators that people have created. First off...

I finished the first Legend of Zelda game almost two weeks ago. This is the first ever Zelda, for the original Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). I first mentioned playing it here. (As an aside, I was feeling sick at the time, and needed a feel-good activity. I'm much better now, but still playing video games.) Here are a few screenshots of the end of the game. This is your formal Spoiler Alert, just in case you have yet to finish this ancient game, such as I.

I defeated Ganon! He's the big boss of the game, and actually the big boss of just about every Zelda game. Just check out his bloody ashes. Yow!

Holy crap-a-roley, it's Zelda! Hey, girl, did you know there's a legend about you?

"This ends the story," huh? How many sequels to this game are there again?

I had this idea of playing through all the older Zelda games (none of which I'd ever played), at least up to and including the Nintendo 64 games. I'm not sure if a GameCube emulator would work on this computer. However, something got me thinking of another game I'd played and really enjoyed, yet never finished. I'm talking about the one and only Dungeon Master.

Hoo boy. I had first played this game back in `90 or `91, on my Amiga 2000 computer. Some of you may not be aware the the Amiga computers had a somewhat sizable market back in the late `80's to early `90's. It suffered some heavy competition from the IBM computers and compatibles (aka clones), and the Mac. Technically, the Amiga was the best computer at the time. It had unparalleled sound and music capabilities, and as far as graphics, the ability ti display over 4,000 colors on the screen at once. Macs were still working in a black-and-white environment, and IBMs were still making blooping and bleeping sounds, and limited to 256 on a VGA card, which was the highest resolution available back then. Also, while I'm going full-steam here, Microsoft did not invent Windows. Macs and Amigas had a graphical user interface (GUI) way before Bill Gates came into power. There were icons for files and folders, a customizable desktop (at least for the Amiga), and even a Trashcan (now referred to as the more environmentally-conscious "Recycle Bin").

But I digress. Dungeon Master scared the hell out of me. I had my Amiga hooked up to my stereo, and I would crank it up, turn off the lights, and get the living hell scared out of me. This is a dungeon simulation. There's no music at all, which makes the game even more real. All you here are the swinging of your weapons, the clanking of doors, and the footsteps of various monsters, bumping around... somewhere. You could even figure out what direction the footsteps were coming from - the game being in stereo sound - and around the corner... a mummy! The mummy shrieked with malevolence, and I shrieked in fear. Outstanding.

This game had a lot of people crying out, mainly because it was a new experience. All RPG games had, up until this point, merely beeped at you and showed static images and topdown views of your heroes, all rather limited in realism and artistic ability. They were also turn-based, meaning that the game pauses to allow you to make a move. It was kind of like playing chess.

"The skeleton swings it's sword. You suffer 10 points of damage!" Player reaction: Hmmm... drink a healing potion, or just hit it back?

Dungeon Master is in real time. Even as you look through your inventory, baddies are running up to you and attacking. Now you see the action.

You see a skeleton. You hear it swing it's sword. One of your adventurers go, "Uh!" Player reaction: FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! GET THAT FIREBALL LOADED! OOPS! RUN RUN RUN!

Back in the 1990's, there wasn't much in the way of the internet. There were no maps or YouTube walkthroughs. I mapped out the levels on graph paper, which was hard because there was always something to attack you while yo're scraling walls and doors on a grid. I was on my own when it came to figuring out the devious puzzles and traps that this game throws at you. I got stuck somewhere on level five, if I remember correctly.

I'm playing level five now. I'm using an Amiga emulator called WinUAE. Even though there are versions for the Atari ST, PC, and even Super Nintendo. the Amiga version is by far the best for graphics and sound.

Above is the inventory screen of my lead character, Phoenix Deathseeker. Any resemblance to myself is purely coincidental. Ahemcoughcough. I included the window border so you could see that it's running in WinUAE and that the game is paused. The characters' inventories can be brought up by clicking on their spot at the top of the screen. The bars next to the character's two hands (or portrait if selected at the moment) are health, stamina and mana (magic points). The eye icon in the inventory can be used to look at an item more closely, or display more stats. The mouth icon is used to feed your character. Yes, you can die of thirst or hunger in this game!

The upper right hand corner shows the order of your party. The box under that is for entering archaic symbols to cast magical spells. Under that are buttons for using weapons, and under that are the movement arrows. As far as the inventory itself, there is a paper doll system for throwing on armor, footwear, etc. The bottom left is pocketed items, and on the other side of the legs and feet is what's stored inside a quiver. As you can see, the backpack is completely full. What it's holding now is a bunch of edible remnants of former foes, as well as few blue potions (health and some others), a rabbit's foot (gives you a luck bonus), a flask of poison, and two chests containing even more items. Storage space and collected weight are often an issue in this game.

Here are a few more screenshots.

The ubiquitous Screamers. They hurt you by shrieking at you. They're among the easiest monsters in the game.

When you kill them, they leave behind "Screamer slices," which are edible. I think they taste like lime. Yum!

There's a plethora of items just laying around on the dungeon's floors. I suppose they were dropped by former adventurers who just didn't make it. Here's a large shield!

This is a Swamp Slime. It spits poison at you. How lovely...

This is what's known as a Couatl, which is similar to an Aztec god known as Quetzalcoatl, aka 'The Feathered Snake.' They're supposed to be intelligent and devoted to good. The Couatls in this game are decidedly neither. Oh, that reddish-yellowish ball nearby is the fireball that I just cast. ;)

Boom. One dead Couatl. That'll teach it to defy the ways of good.

Level five... out of fourteen. Whoa.

My daughters like watching me play the game and seeing what kind of monsters I'll run into next. I've always loved RPG computer and console games, and this is one of my all-time favorites. It's no Baldur's Gate, but Dungeon Master rocks my world.

Funny Video Friday: A Very Zombie Holiday (Instructional Video)

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Sat, 07 May 2011 00:18:00 +0000

May is Zombie Month! It's true! Well, I actually just learned this a few weeks ago, and it just so happens that I have a few funny zombie-related videos to post here. Here's a good'un! It's about how to survive a zombie apocalypse during the holidays. It's made by Team Unicorn (Michele Boyd, Clare Grant, Milynn Sarley, and Rileah Vanderbilt). This team of gamer girls also brought us a fine video entitled Saber (sexy lightsaber underwear fight), which I posted a month or so ago.

Yes, the holiday season is long over, but you may still find some good ideas on how to get through an undead uprising.

"Ammunition makes great stocking stuffers."

666 Followers

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Wed, 04 May 2011 21:36:00 +0000

It's true, I have 666 followers via NetworkedBlogs on Facebook. Now you all know why I have well over 1000 friends on Facebook. So now, is it possible that the devil may come to visit my blog?

Too bad I don't believe in him. ;)

Funny Video Friday: Live Action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cartoon Intro

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 19:05:00 +0000

Now there's a mouthful. I'm not the biggest TMNT fan (well, I'm actually not a fan at all), but I think this is pretty darn funny, clever, and inventive. This is the intro and theme song to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' cartoon, from way back when. The cartoon is on the left, with the live action on the right. They did a really good job of syncing everything up.

And hey, watch out for that evil colander!

Sick Note

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 19:09:00 +0000

I've been sick for almost a week. There also hasn't been a lot going on, thus no posts. I probably would've had the energy to think up something on a topic, or maybe write about something from my childhood, but wow, I'm just so sick. On Saturday, it'll be a week since I got sick. I'd go to my doctor, but I would have to wait weeks, even for a sick appointment. So I'd have to go to the ER for a cold. If that's all that is, anyway.

So I've been vegging out, getting plenty of rest and fluids, and playing the first Legend of Zelda game on a Nintendo emulator. Great fun! I'd never finished the game when I was younger, and I aim to do so now. I'm just about to start the last dungeon, Death Mountain. Oooooh, scawy!

Grab that triforce!

So I'm calling in sick to my blog. Funny Video Friday will most probably appear on schedule tomorrow. As far as any posts after that, I'll see you all on the side of health.

Funny Video Friday: Now, If You'll Excuse Me...

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 17:27:00 +0000

It's been a slow week, and the kids have been out of school since Thursday - keeping me busy and making me go insane. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I figured I might have been able to write a bit about my second therapy appointment, but he canceled on me. I have to wait two weeks for the next appointment. I could've used it too. I have a few things I need to go over with him. Ah, well.

Today's video. Well, it's the line, "Now, If You'll Excuse Me" from a whole bunch of movies. Enjoy.

Funny Video Friday: Elmo Prank 3 (Elmo lost his eyes!)

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 17:17:00 +0000

Okay, I swear now. This is the last of the Sesame Street spoof videos for awhile (the others appeared here and here). You'll see something "completely different" next week, but for now, check out this Elmo prank call by edbassmaster. Elmo can't find his eyes! He calls the pharmacy for some advice. This is a great Elmo impression, and there's some really funny responses too. Can you see Elmo's eyes?

(I posted another prank video from edbassmaster quite awhile ago, in which he did The Robot. I recommend that one as well!)

"And then the eyes popped out, and now Elmo doesn't see them. But I know they see, because Elmo sees stuff."

Goodbye, Fizban

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 22:31:00 +0000

It breaks my heart. We just had to do it. Fizban had grown too big to remain in the tank in which he was residing. We were going to have a big one built, but it would've cost about $800, and we don't have that kind of money right now.

Originally we were going to put him in this area, behind our apartment:

We were going to cover up the exposed areas with a rubber or PVC-coated wire. Little did we know, not only is this not allowed, but the landlady moved into the apartment upstairs from us. She walks past our little back area at least twice a day, going to and from her apartment to the office. We couldn't even build him a cage and have it be in the back or front area. It's not allowed.

Fizban at 3 months old.

Fizban, taken on the day before yesterday.

We figured we had about a year to get him the big cage, but it started to get too small for him at about seven months old. My old iguana was in a 50-gallon tank for two years. I figured he never grew because he would grow to his accomodations. Not true. I think he actually had a calcium deficiency due to the absence of UVB rays. If these lamps were even made back then (in the late 90's), nobody was aware that iguanas need UVB light in order to absorb the calcium you give them.

Not the case with Fizban. We had three lamps on him during the day: a UVA lamp (regular old lightbulb), a UVB incandescent lamp, and a lamp with a CHE bulb (Ceramic Heat Emitter). A CHE produces heat, but no light, and it's perfect for keeping the iguana's cage warm (and dark) at night. I made sure to give him all the correct foods, and supplement it with calcium and a multivitamin. He was very healthy, and nice and green, unlike many other juvenile iguanas out there. He was ornery already, and he never seemed to get used to us walking past his cage. Just like any animal, an iguana's personality can vary. When buying an iguana, I pick what seems to be the friendliest one. Unfortunately, they only had one iguana when we came to buy Fizban.

Nikki, saying goodbye to our Fizban.

We could tell that he was stressed in the tank, because he got even more ornery, even when I was replacing his food and water bowls. He sure can whip that tail!

Rather than try to sell him on Craig's List or something, we chose to bring him back to the reptile store. We didn't ask for any money. Maybe he'll calm down enough for someone to want to buy him. I hope he ends up in a good home. We also gave the shop owner his vitamins and such. At least we helped out a small business over here. I'd always rather do that than shop at PetCo or PetSmart, etc.

I really miss him. I'm used to him watching me as I putter about our bedroom. Now the room just feels desolate. I can feel the absence of life in there.

Next time, we'll build the cage first, then get the iguana. We have the bowls, lights and decorations already. Having an iguana is a major investment. The pet itself is about $20. What you have to get for him to be comfortable and live happily, costs hundreds.

Fizban at the reptile store. Bye bye, green boy. :(

Officer Lateef Scam

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 06:10:00 +0000

There are so many pre-op transsexuals who desire to have GRS so badly, but have no way of affording it. Rather than a system of supply-and-demand, here we are dealing with scam-and-demand. There are those out there who will take anyone's hopes and wishes, and use them against those people. They try their utmost to take advantage of people's needs and desires, and dash their very hopes to the ground. A few short weeks ago, I had the displeasure of coming across one of these scammers myself. Like many, I was hopeful. Like many, I let my excitement and hopes overcloud my greater judgment. I just wanted it so badly, that I tried to talk myself out of my own common sense.

I want to alert everyone (especially transsexuals seeking GRS) about this scam. This individual identifies him or herself as "Officer Lateef," working in conjunction with the FBI and the EFCC in Nigeria. This "officer" claims that they apprehended some scammers who have stolen people's money, and they are giving the money both to the people scammed, and also people who are poor in the community, particularly those who are hard of hearing and transsexual. At least, that's what I gathered from "Lateef's" messages. I'm not hard of hearing at all, but apparently, this individual was willing to scam me anyway. At least there is no discrimination here (ha ha!).

Among the messages was a claim: "You pay £1200 and get £40,000,00.You pay £2,000 and get £90,000,00.You pay £2,500 and get £150,000,00.You pay £3,000 and get £200,000,00." Oh yes, I am apparently recognized as being among the "poor community," yet I can afford to shell out over $1,900 (the US dollar equivalent of £1200), in hopes that I get more money back in return.

Aiding and abetting this nonsense (at least in my case) is one Ann George. Ann contacted me on Facebook, stating that she received a large sum of money from this Lateef person, which I do not believe. Perhaps Ann is helping the scammer. Perhaps Ann is the scammer. It is not my intention to defame anyone, so no Facebook profile links or email addresses will be posted here. Nonetheless, I do wish to give my readers some warning signs, and a way of recognizing these individuals. I will note that both people do exhibit poor grammar and punctuation. Both individuals kept following up to find out what I'm going to be doing about this wonderful opportunity. Of course, the scammer is going to keep trying, but Ann just about blew her cover here.

Scammers can always change their aliases and email addresses. What they cannot change are these immutable facts:

1) Never trust an email coming from some supposed organization, yet originating from a domain like Yahoo or Hotmail.

2) Never give out personal information unless it is over a secure network (https:// will appear in the address bar).

3) Never pay money in order to get money in return. That's idiotic (sorry), and you'll never see anything. You most probably won't get a response from this individual after that, and if you do, they'll only hit you up for more money, stating that there is an additional fee that they didn't anticipate.

I wrote to the EFCC itself, asking if there is an "Officer Lateef" working for them. So far, I haven't received a response. They must be pretty busy. How many scam or spam emails do you get a day? I get at least 20 a day. This one hit home, and I really wanted to believe it. I will admit to having some high hopes, before I was asked to shell out $1,900. Save your money, people. Remember the old adage: "If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is."

Here are copies of some of the Facebook messages (from Ann George) and email messages (from Officer Lateef) that I have received. (What is wrote is written in pink, and the scam messages are in red.)

Ann George

Ann George March 26 at 10:48am

Have you heard the good news About Officer lateef, who work for government department of Compensation to help lesbian deafs,Hearing,Poor and Young People in the Community?
============
did you heard am among lucky people that Officer lateef, who work for Federal agency.I'd talk to him on im chat and he let me know about my money £90,000.00.B'cz they help people?. Did you got yours from him?

Amy K March 26 at 3:03pm

I've never heard of him, no. Does he help LGBT people in America?

Ann George March 27 at 7:54am

of course yes he does,am so happy now am rich, But i saw your Facebook Profile on the list when he came to deliever the money to me and he told me know everyone on the list will get money.I think you should hit him up now,because his online now and claim yours talk to him now his online his Screen Name.....i have is yahoo id ..let me know if you care for it......bye ann.....LGTB..
======================

Amy K March 27 at 3:23pm

Yes, please let me know what the screen name is. Thank you. :)

Ann George March 28 at 2:58am

ok dear.add him up now so you can get this money ok..is real,am not deceiving you ok....is yahoo id is #####@yahoo.com.bug him now ..and tell him your name ...because i saw your name also on this list...best of luck....ann

Ann George March 28 at 10:18am

hope you already hit him up.cus my girlfriend already did and she so happy right now also.i think after you have claim this money i will like to have some fun with you ...or do you mind .lol...ann

Amy K March 28 at 1:54pm

My girlfriend won't like me "having fun" with another girl, sorry. But thank you for the email. :)

Ann George March 29 at 2:27am

thats alright ..... so have you hit spoken to him .....i sent you is email..right.....ann

Amy K March 30 at 12:23pm

Yes, he wrote this morning, and I wrote back. Have you actually received this money yet? What information did you have to give him?

Ann George March 31 at 3:50am

well to be sincere girlfriend,i first thought it was a scam ....when he told me to fill some form and pay for the ups..it sound so suspicious ..then my girlfriend who told me about this told me it was a test to know whether am the real person claiming this money ....i eventually did ..and i got the some of $20,000..for real girlfriend..

Amy K March 31 at 8:33am

I thought he gave you £90,000.00? And he says it's $50,000. How much did you have to pay for ups?

Ann George March 31 at 11:41am

well he sent me some option to choose and i went for one i think i could afford thinking it was a scam ....but believe me girlfriend if i had known it was real i would have gone for he big fish ....i wish i could go for it again i swear to you ....my friend in club got hers today ....taking the girls out for fun.good luck..ann

Amy K March 31 at 11:58am

So let me get this right. The more you pay for... what... a ups shipment? Then the more money you get? I'm just a bit confused on how it works.

Have a good time. :)

Ann George April 1 at 3:52am

yeah the more you pay for the more you get the money...and when they come to deliver this money ..you are going to see people under your list you might know to hit up about this...i really had a nice time with my girlfriends ..and you..ann

Ann George April 1 at 10:13am

was up girlfriend,you didn't write me,are you cool

Amy K April 1 at 10:51am

I didn't go on Facebook between your messages. That's very early morning in my part of the world, so I just logged on now. Yes, I am cool. :)

Ann George April 1 at 10:53am

cool am also here talking with a girlfriend..so how was is your day,have you gotten your money..tell me yes.

Amy K April 1 at 10:54am

My day is just starting, but it's pretty good so far. No, I haven't gotten the money yet.

Ann George April 1 at 10:56am

why?tell me you are joking.

Amy K April 1 at 10:57am

It hasn't come yet. Why would I joke?

Ann George April 1 at 10:59am

don't you want to get it or what am kind of confused here?

Officer Lateef

Dear Officer Lateef,

My name is Amy K----, and I was told by somebody that I am on some sort of "list" for financial help since I am a transsexual. Please let me know if this is true, and what happens from here? Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Amy

sorry for the late response...Hello, My name is Officer lateef.I work for Federal Agency,We remember your Screen name on our list here and your money is available for you to claim, Let us know if you ready to claim the money and we Explain to you how we got your Screen name, You listen and read carefully.thanks.

officer lateef

Hello Officer Lateef,

Okay, how do I claim the money? What federal agency do you work for?

- Amy

This is Special agent Officer here In conjunction with (EFCC NIGERIA AND FBI USA).We recovered the sum of $500,000,00(Five Hundred Million Dollars) from online scammers in the last 12 months From Africa Nigeria.The Federal Government under the leadership of president Obama and Nigeria President is giving out $50,000 each (Fifty Thousand Dollars) to yahoo ID and AIM screen name found on the scammers computer. It is as part or measures of stopping scam and compensating the people that have been scammed and some people who are Poor in the community especially the transsexual disables,Hearing and Hard of hearing.You are one of the lucky people to get the money. we want you to be honest with us in giving us the right information.

You have to pay for Case file fee and the shipping fund,so we can bring the money to your door step in the next 6 hours from now,You pay £1200 and get £40,000,00.You pay £2,000 and get £90,000,00.You pay £2,500 and get £150,000,00.You pay £3,000 and get £200,000,00...which one is preferable to you

if you agree with this terms you can mail me back as soon as possible OK. so i can give you the necessary information...

    yours sincerely officer lateef

Woah. Even the lowest one (£1200) is over $1,900 US dollars. I'm unemployed and I don't have money like that. Sorry.

- Amy

OK i see so how do you want to go about this,or i do you want me to help you so you can get your money as soon as possible you have to think of a way out before is too late,tell me how much you afford so i will know how to go about this for you .OK have a wonderful day.

yours sincerely

officer lateef

How about you send me the money, and I'll send you back the case fee?

listen amy this is how we do it we don't scam OK if that's what on your mind you are gettin it all wrong,are you sure you are amy k---- we have on our list please if you are not dont do this ok and if you are then your early response is what we need from you ok

yours sincerely

officer lateef

Yes, I am Amy K----, and I am sure who I am. I am not sure who you are.

How do I tell you apart from all the scammers that the EFCC deal with? All you have is a Yahoo address, which anyone can get. Why not an address from efcc.com? What office do you work from? Who is your direct superior? Can I verify with the EFCC that you work for them? If this was really sent from the EFCC as an organization, then all that would've been provided already.

I found this:

"Internet scammers certainly are a resourceful bunch! In this variation, the scammers have the unbridled audacity to claim that they represent the EFCC, fighting against the very criminal activities that they, in fact, engage in.

This message supposedly offers much needed aid for scam victims and promises further action against scammer activities. But, of course, the message is itself a scam. In fact, it is a scam of precisely the same type as the senders pretend to be combating. The promised reimbursement is entirely imaginary and is simply the bait designed to catch potential victims.

Those who fall for this ruse and reply to the message will soon be asked to send money to cover imaginary fees. Supposedly, payment of these fees is required before the reimbursement can be transferred. If the victim complies, further requests for money are likely to follow. The scammers will invent a series of excuses explaining why such fees are necessary and continue to demand money until the victim finally realizes what is happening or runs out of funds. Victims are very unlikely to get their money back, nor will they ever receive the fictitious reimbursement payment. The scammers may also manage to steal the identities of their victims if they are able to collect enough personal information during the course of the scam.

Government officials and banks are quite unlikely to use a free web mail services such as Yahoo, nor are the likely to contact potential clients via unsolicited email in the first place."

Found on the internet. The internet is quite resourceful, isn't it?

- Amy

we carefully read all you wrote.and we quite understand you but you are not the first person to be informed about this and given a compensation fee .this is how we go about it because we cant just let any one have a direct contact with the efcc once this is done we have given this scammers a big chance to go about getting what is yours OK. your money is ready the money we asked you to pay is for all the labour you can ever think of ,by the way who told you about this and how and how did you get to know we have your name on our list,why dont you ask the person to tell you about this and stop being treekish .

yours sincerely

officer lateef.

(I started messing with her/him at this point.)

What does "treekish" mean?

what i mean is that you are given this organization a tough time OK,you asked me to send you the money first before you can send the fee which is not done that way all you have to do is to develop a faith that your money will get to your door step within 6 hours OK.miss kern you just have to trust this,we know is very hard for people to believe this but at the end of the day in gods name i know you we be so happy and always pray for this organization.a lot of people passed through this and are so happy now.good day

yours sincerely

officer lateef.

I don't have any money to give you. We are flat broke. All I have as "proof" is what you are typing to me, which anyone could do. Sorry, but if you were really from an organization that helps people against scammers, you would be warning them against messages just like this. No proof, nothing. And I have no money anyway. We're running out of things in the house and have no money to buy it with. So I certainly don't have any money to send to a person claiming to be from an organization that can't even prove who he is, even in the smallest way. I have written the EFCC and asked them if you indeed work for them. It may be bad for you if you don't, for they will surely add you to the list of scammers that they hunt. Good day.

- Amy

what if you are told by the efcc that i work for them and they tell you exactly what i told you,what next are you going to do? what are the proves do you need ?

officer lateef.

If the EFCC verifies everything you said, then I would want to somehow come up with the money you have requested. That would be exceedingly difficult, however, since I am unemployed at this time.

- Amy

OK so you have to tell us how much you can provide.or just tell us you don't need the money.

I'm unemployed, so I don't have any money. But since I'm unemployed, I do need the money.

so misss k---- what then do you want us to do for you i asked you how much can you get,you have to pay for all what i told you without that you can get the money.goodday.

officer lateef

I have no idea what you're trying to say...

miss k---- are you interested in getting this money or not?i said how much can you afford for the shipping fee just tell us and we know the next step to take,you have less than 5 days to make a choice,we have a lot of people we attend to OK.good day.

Yes, I am interested in the money, but I told you, I am broke. I have no money. None at all. It's all very easy to understand.

- Amy

ok miss k---- i really understand all you have said here, i went through your facebook and all the information you gave us is as real as what we have here ok,so this is all i can do for you.you have to try and get the sum of $400as soon as you send that i will send you a check of $3000 you cash it and send back the sum of $1000 as soon as you send it,you will then send $1900 which is the earlier money we asked for so you get your money and you will as well send me back my $1900 ,,,,if you agree with this terms then i will send to you an undertaking form for future reference . bye for now .

YOURS SINCERELY

officer latef.

I don't have $400. I'm broke and unemployed.

That last message was sent on April 9th. So this person/individual/entity has either given up, or is taking a break for a few days. This "organization" has a lot of people they attend to, as stated above. That may be one of the few truthful things in these communiques. Don't fall prey to this scammer. Good luck out there.

More Connections

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 18:43:00 +0000

This is just a short post to let everyone know that I am now on a few more sites. One such site is the one and only Twitter:

http://twitter.com/BeingAmyK

You may notice that I have a Twitter box on the right. Feel free to add me on Twitter, though you can also see my last 10 "tweets" in this box.

I am also on StumbleUpon:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/BeingAmy/

For those who don't know what StumbleUpon is, you can use it to browse other sites that people have recommended by giving a "thumbs up." At this point, my blog has been recommended eight times. You can see how many "thumbs up" I've received in the box on the right. The more recommendations I receive, the more my site is shown to other people. That's a good thing. So yeah, once again, that button is on the right... coughcough.

And, of course, I've been on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/BeingAmyK

I only have that one video so far. I'll put up another one at some point.

My FaceBook account is not at all new (two years now), and you can click on the badge in the sidebar to get there.

The reason for all the newer accounts is to get more exposure to this blog. The more people who know about transsexuals, the better. There are a lot of poor souls out there who think we all look like freaks or something. Transfolk can be very beautiful people, inside and out. As far as the transgender community, many people have said that my blog has helped them in some way. The more people I can reach out to, the better. Plus, I have made quite a bit of friends along the way. One can never have too many of those.

Also... I am trying to get my name out there to any organizations or individuals who may wish to donate to my cause (Gender Reassignment Surgery). In this day and age, it's hard for anyone to have any extra money, but maybe if my blog comes across the eyes of Bill Gates or one of his buddies, or some loaded Hollywood type, or even someone who would be willing and able to throw just a couple bucks my way... that could definitely help! Even if someone just clicks on my blog and then leaves immediately, that all helps with the AdSense profits. I don't make a whole lot from AdSense, but like I said, every bit helps.

If you find me on one of these other sites, stop by and say hi!

Funny Video Friday: Ernie and Bert Go BRUTAL

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 16:22:00 +0000

You've never seen Bert and Ernie like this! They perform a little ditty from a lovely band called Last Days of Humanity. For the uninitiated, this is what's known as a "blast beat" on the drum. It takes a lot of strength to hit a drum so hard and so fast. I didn't know the Sesame Street duo had it in them. You can see that their little picture even falls down at the end. This was made by HAYW1R3, a very funny YouTube fellow. I posted another video of his a few months ago, entitled You Should Be in Bed. Anyway, I hope you'll think this is cold... I mean cool!

(If you like this, check out the Cookie Monster Metal video that I posted a few weeks back.)

"A-one, and a-two, and a chicka booma chick!"

Bikini Weather

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 17:55:00 +0000

It's April, and in Arizona, that means it's pool time! It's been getting in the eighties over here in Tucson, and hey... I don't mind that a bit! The kids have been clamoring to go in the pool, but I know the water is still rather chilly. Nikki doesn't like to go in unless it's like bath water. I can't see how that would be a refreshing dip or anything, but to each her own.

I've had the same bikini, going on three years now. It still serves me well. I wanted to get this awesome-looking purple one in some store or another, but the top was just too big, and I tried on the smallest size they had. I wanted to lose some weight before wearing this again, but I only lost four pounds. I am totally satisfied with every part of my body except for my tummy. Oh yeah, and one other part of my body, which is why the bikini bottom is a skirt.

I went out sunbathing last week (which was technically still March!), and I got burned a bit. Sometimes I forget how easily I can burn if I'm not yet tan in those areas. The burned skin is about to come off now, and it's itching like mad. I put lotion on the burned areas, but it doesn't help much at all. I figure another day or two, and I'll shed like a snake, and then the itchiness will cease. (These pictures are from before I got burned.)

I really have to work on my tan lines. I walk a lot in the sun with sneakers on. It's five days a week for five miles total, unless the kids have off school. I pull Skylar in the wagon, and she's about 44 pounds. I can't very well walk all that way in flip flops, so I end up with white feet, and white thighs, which do not match the rest of my legs. So I guess I should go out sunbathing again, and just put sunblock on all the tan areas. Otherwise I'll just get darker where I'm tan, and my feet and thighs will be a lighter tan. I did try this last year, but these whiter areas just never caught up.

The kids finish up school in late May. I want to keep up with my exercise routine over the summer. Last summer, I walked in the evenings when the sun went down. But that won't compare to pulling about 50 pounds of weight behind me. I could either start jogging, or maybe I could fill the wagon up with rocks and pull it around for five miles. I'd get some funny looks, but so what? The jury's still out on this one. If I start jogging, I'll need some sports bras. I'm pretty sure I got rid of the old ones I had when I was starting hormones. They sure helped squish the boobs down, but when I went full-time four years ago, I no longer needed to hide them. I'm definitely not hiding much here!

Anyway, I look forward to the warm (or hot!) weather. A blazing sun and a clear blue sky. I love Arizona. :)

Jealousy and Insecurity. Grudges and Misinformation.

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 23:32:00 +0000

You know, I wasn't going to say anything, but this is getting ridiculous. No sooner do I get rid of one of one toxic person (my ex-girlfriend, turned friend, turned frienemy, I suppose), but now the other one is rearing it's head again. Now they're writing actual blogs about how "abusive" and "violent" I am.

I know I'm not a horrible person. I know that me and my girlfriend's relationship is not up for judging. I'm really not interested in these people's opinions, but now it's up on Blogger and Facebook, and who knows where else? Any mutual friends are bound to come across this misinformation, and perhaps buy into it. These posts are exaggerated, with facts changed, removed, or completely fabricated. What I've written in my blog the last few months is the truth. The absolute, honest truth. I wouldn't write anything here if it wasn't true. It's just not worth spreading lies all over.

I feel like I'm dealing with a bunch of kindergartners. Are they jealous? Insecure? Just plain old psychotic? Do they envy my life so much that they have to try to tear it apart?

My ex is still going on about things that happened during our relationship. This was 14 - 17 years ago. I can barely remember half the things she talks about. She's writing about me asking if I could use a coupon of hers to buy lipstick. It upset her so much in 1994 (yes, 1994!) that she writes about it now. Yes, I was in the role of her boyfriend at the time, and yes, having someone in that role be interested in lipstick can be confusing and upsetting, but hello... 17 years. Should I expect some sort of communique in the year 2050? "How dare you ask for the lipstick coupon?" By then, I'll be lucky to know my own name, much less what lipstick is, or what a coupon is.

No, I don't owe anybody anything. Sure, I am thankful for what people have done in the past for me, but I define me. I could've made it on my own, with a tiny room and all my stuff crammed into it. I'd still be me. I don't owe my life in my current gender to anyone. It was, and still is, my journey.

No, I didn't stomp off and leave my fiancee and four-year-old daughter in a bad neighborhood. Rather, my fiancee stopped following me (in a quiet neighborhood community) and decided to walk back to the car. She was the one having the "fit" at the time, and I'd forgotten all about the incident until this "friend" wrote about it the other day. We walked for a few more minutes, did what we were there to do (geocaching), and then walked back to the car. Nobody knew that Nikki wouldn't be able to find the car. I stayed by the car with Savannah, in case she came back, while my friend (who was there for all this and now writes it differently) drove off to look for her. My friend was with us, and did not go with Nikki when she turned around and walked the other way. But I am filth for not running after her. Riiiighhht...

I never told Nikki to take off work so I could go to court. The engagement ring that Nikki bought me was not even close to $2,000 like my ex claimed. Not even close to half that. We don't have that kind of money. I do not "guilt" people into doing things. I don't push buttons. Why not think that perhaps I was feeling real emotions, and not acting out fake ones? If I'm upset, I act it. I have a hard time hiding that. If I'm fine, I don't "act upset." I'm not a good actor. So if there's an upsetting conversation in a public place, I might get up and walk a few feet away to compose myself. Nobody was "abused" by my getting up and walking a few feet away.

I have not written a violent or abusive letter to my former friend, nor have I written anything like that in my blog. I mean, really, that's here for everyone to see. Yes, I am Wiccan, and yes, it is a peaceful religion. I'm a peaceful person. I'm not doing anything to harm anybody. All I'm doing is speaking the true facts on my blog, and my feelings about them. What I feel is frustration, anger, resentment, and sadness. It's okay for Wiccans to feel this. It's okay for Wiccans to express this. There is no slander involved, because everything I wrote (and continue to write) here is true. So puh-leese keep my religion out of this. Thank you.

I am in no way "innocent" or "perfect." I'll never say that I am such things. I would never want to be perfect, and only children and animals should ever be thought of as innocent.

My ex keeps trying to say I'm a bad parent because I can't afford to hire a lawyer and travel to North Carolina to appear in court. (My daughter's mother won't let me have visitation, though she was court-ordered to do so many years back.) I'm unemployed. How am I supposed to come up with that kind of money? I miss her so much. Maybe the bad parent is the one that won't let me speak to my daughter on the phone.

She also says that I think with my yet-to-be-corrected sex organ. How dense. She urges me to get GRS so that I can act more like a woman. First of all, it's an insult to say that I think or act anything like a man. Secondly, one does not "think" with their private parts. The general public won't see any difference in my behavior from pre-op to post-op. What most everybody sees is me. How many people get to see what kind of sex organ you have? Other than a lover or a doctor, usually none. What she said is at the height of closed-mindedness.

If they really believe some of these things, then reality and their recollection of things (such as it is) are at odds with each other. It's like reading The Enquirer. The facts presented have very little basis on reality. You both would like to think that what you're saying is having an effect on me, but I can see right through you.

Two grudges. One is about things that happened 14 - 17 years ago. Another is someone talking about things that happened months ago, and that Nikki and I have already worked out. Why is it that Nikki and I are over this crap, and this person holds a grudge about it? It didn't happen to her and it's not her relationship. Hello? Bueller?

Like I said, I am a peaceful person, and a loving one. However, some I just can't find love for, due to their actions. That said, I wish them no ill will, and I hope they find true happiness in life. Then perhaps they'll stop worrying so much about my life, and go about living their own.

New Therapist

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 06:45:00 +0000

I'm finally back in therapy again. It's been almost a year. Back in Michigan, I saw a therapist, but she had not dealt with many transgender clients. The one I'm going to now sees transgender folk exclusively. There are quite a few others that do so, but none of them take my insurance. A couple of them don't take any insurance!

I was over 30 minutes late to my first appointment the other day, and amazingly, he saw me anyway. Darn Mapquest. It told me to turn right onto a street that didn't even connect to the road I'm on. I called the office and he was able to point me in the right direction.

Yes, my new therapist is a man. I'm not comfortable around men in general. It's some sort of cross between intimidation and a "okay, keep your distance" feeling. To make matters worse, he is very serious. He barely ever smiled, and made no attempt to laugh at my jokes or even humor me. Time will tell if I can ever relax enough to spill my darkest secrets, and get some progress out of all this. I did feel a bit better when he disclosed that he is gay.

He has a Masters Degree in social work. He can, and has, written letters for Gender Reassignment Surgery, and he can refer me to quite a number of good psychologists to write the other required letter. He was under the impression that the old Harry Benjamin Standards of Care had been replaced by something else. That may indeed be under development, but Dr.'s Marci Bowers and Toby Meltzer still require a letter from either two psychologists, or more likely, a therapist and a psychologist. Now all I need is $20,000 or so.

My next appointment is in three weeks, and then I'll be seeing him every other week from then on. We'll see how this goes...

Funny Video Friday: The Evolution of Dance by Judson Laipply

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 19:07:00 +0000

This is really cute. It starts off with the 50's, so if that kind of thing bores you, just keep watching. He'll be headbanging, Riverdancing, and not dancing the macarena shortly. He also does an excellent Night at the Roxbury (from Saturday Night Live). This is one of YouTube's most watched videos, so it's likely that some of you may have seen this already. For those who haven't, enjoy!

"Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe?"

Now Both of Us Have Gotten a Name Change!

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 18:02:00 +0000

Many of you may be surprised that Nikki's legal name has never been Nicole... until now. For those new to this blog, no - Nikki is not a transsexual. And no, we didn't get married. This is one of those old-fashioned "I hate my name" name changes, coupled with a removal of her married name due to divorce.

Nikki has hated her given first name for as back as she can remember. Part of the reason for this was due to her abusive mother screaming that name nonstop during her childhood. That, and the fact that her mother named her after a song which talks about her making a husband happy. Ick. Nikki is very much a lesbian, and in the past, she did try to make her husband happy (even though she didn't find him attractive in the least), only to be repaid with abuse of almost every kind there is. No, I'm not telling you her old name. I'm not even allowed to say it!

Her middle name was Nicole. It's now her first name.

Her former surname is one I won't reveal either, same as I don't speak of my old name. Suffice to say, it was her married name. Since she's been divorced for over two years, it's high time she got rid of that old name. Now her last name is the same as mine. (I identify myself only as "Amy K" on this blog, due to a couple stalkers/harassers who somehow summoned up enough intelligence to type my name into a search engine. Just look at the Facebook badge on the right to see my name.)

Nikki was so worried that the judge wouldn't grant her name change for some reason. She had no problem at all. She was in the courtroom for about 15 minutes, while I watched Skylar in the hallway. Then we went downstairs and she got her certified copy of the name change order. We then headed to the Social Security office, and we saw many of the people who we saw in the courtroom. Next week, she'll get her license changed, which will only cost four dollars. That was way cheaper than we expected.

Nicole means "victory of the people." Our last name means "heart" in German. Put them together... let's see... Victorious Heart. I like it!

Nikki has a profound sense of freedom now. She's finally free of the first name that's plagued her since childhood, and the surname that's followed her around for over ten years. I'm so happy for my sweetie. Go, Nikki!

Why Do I Pose For Pictures Like That?

noreply@blogger.com (Amy K.) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 22:43:00 +0000

Someone who must not be named (no, it isn't Voldemort) was wondering - or perhaps jumping to conclusions - why I pose for photos the way I do. (No, this isn't the other person "who must not be named" that I've written about lately! I just want to keep it anonymous.) Other people may be wondering as well, or forming their own conclusions. Hey, that's okay. We all have our opinions and our curiosities about certain things.

So let's get this all out in the open. I know why I like to do this, but I'm not exactly ultra-confident about my ability to communicate it effectively. I think that other transgendered women (transsexual or crossdresser) may be able to understand this better, but then, a lot of people who read this blog are not transgendered. So part of this lies in explaining a bit of my early life, and how it affects me today.

Please bear with me.

I have always been female inside, but I was born into a male body. I was treated as a boy, and was expected to act like a boy. End of discussion. I've done some research on the `net, and found out the following:

Both men and women speak louder to boys than girl infants; they are softer and express more "cooing" with girls

Girls are caressed and stroked more than boys.

Up to age 2, mothers tend to talk to and look at their daughters significantly more than than they do with their sons, and make more eye contact with the daughters as well.

Mothers show a wider range of emotional response to girls than boys. When girls showed anger, mothers faces showed greater facial disapproval than when boys showed anger. May influence why girls grow up smiling more, more social, and better able to interpret emotions than boys.

Girls use more terms of endearment than boys.

Girls who act as tomboys are accepted; boys who act like girls are severely reprimanded ("don't cry" "Don't be a sissy").

When puberty hit, it was worse. Body hair. Ugh. Facial hair. I wanted to scream! My face got harder-looking. I was just not comfortable with myself. I hated the way I looked. My role models were all women. Beautiful, sexy women. I not only desired to be with one, but even more so, I wanted to be one. "It's impossible for me to look anything like that," I thought. I was stuck looking (more or less) like I already did. I could feel the woman inside me - that I would sometimes acknowledge and sometimes deny - struggling to be seen... to be known.

Now, this is for the non-transgender (aka cisgender) women to try to imagine. Take all your memories of anything girlish, at any point in your life, and push them aside. Pretend for now that they never happened. You are treated just like a boy. You have friends who are girls, and you want their hair, their clothes, and just to be treated like they do. But no. Not for you. And how dare you even speak of that.

But... but...  

Don't even think it! Get it out of your head right now!

Why are you so mad at me?

We  are not discussing this! You are a boy. Little boys don't have girl  things. They don't want to look like a girl. What's the matter with you?  Do you want everyone to make fun of you? Do you? 

Well... no...

Do you want the other boys to beat you up? 

No...

You  won't have any friends. And the other kids' parents will look at me,  and wonder what the hell I did to you, that you want girls' clothes and  girls' toys. We'll be the laughing stock of the neighborhood! Do you  really want to do this to your parents? We take care of you, buy you  things, take you to fun places, and this is what you want to do to us???

No, ma!

Fine, then. Dinner's on the table. Come eat.

I don't think it's possible for anyone who is not transgendered, to fully understand exactly what living like this feels like. Even a fine imagination and empathic ability has it's limits. It's just hard to imagine your entire life, the totality of your life, altered in such a way, from when you were young (so young that you can't remember what it was like, yet it did have an effect on you growing up), until when you're well into adulthood. It's just too much to fathom.

Time passes...

I got a job, so I figured I might have some freedom. It's my money, and I'm eighteen. I can buy whatever I want, right? Now it was such a struggle to even begin to buy these things. Dresses, blouses, skirts... lipstick, blush, mascara. Giggles behind the register and guffaws among the clothing racks. "It's for my girlfriend!" "Sure, sure... she likes... Berry Rose lipstick, huh?" Sneaking it into the house was a chore. Hiding it was a challenge. No matter how well I hid it, it would be gone in a few days. I'd be at work or school, and my mother would ransack my room and remove whatever I had bought. She would even get my car keys and go through my car. No place was safe.

First ever picture of Amy (as you know her), taken in 1997.

Fast forward to Summer of 2003. I had finally realized what a transsexual is (hooray for the internet!), and that I am one myself. I started taking hormone medication, and the woman that was stuck inside began to materialize. Soft, feathery hair. Softer skin. Body hair almost gone. Breasts! It was like a dream come true, though I had actually been stuck in some long nightmare until that point. Now I was finally awakening.

The facial hair was a lot harder to get rid of. For those not in the know, hormone medication does not get of facial hair. Mostly, anyway. There are about a dozen hairs (perhaps less) on each cheek that did vanish with the application of an estrogen supplement and a testosterone blocker. The rest I had to get rid of with laser hair removal (about $1600), and electrolysis (about $3000 worth). This took years. Once I was partway into the electrolysis treatments, my "shadow" was gone. I have naturally dark hair, so no matter how much cover-up I slathered on, I could still see a shadow on my chin and upper lip. With it gone, what a difference! It wasn't until late 2005 that I finally became satisfied with the way I looked.

Flip the pages of time to the present day, and look at me now. Or, rather, try to look at me through my eyes. My birthmark - a port wine stain on my left shoulder, arm, and part of my chest - has been replaced by a beautiful phoenix tattoo. My hair is red, and wow, do I love having red hair! My skin is tan, thanks to the awesome Arizona sun. I really like all these changes. That, and years of hormone replacement therapy has done its job well. My breasts are even bigger (Tanner Stage 4!), my lips a bit fuller, and people often say I look younger than I really am.

This is all still relatively new for me. I can never make up for my lost childhood. I can never hang out with a bunch of teenage girls and feel I truly belong. I can never go to prom in a dress. I can never go to clubs and experience my "roaring twenties." Those days are long gone. I know, many cisgendered women never went to prom or went to some wild clubs. In my case, it was denied me. I desperately wanted to go, to have those experiences. I was taught that I was wrong to even want that.

In a sense, I'm making up for lost time. Every woman wants to look sexy. Every woman wants to like the way they look. Women are concerned with issues relating to physical attractiveness. Changes in this area can be as difficult for them as changes for men in their financial status. Women use clothes and makeup as a way of expressing themselves. I never had that, and now I do. Sometimes I feel like I'd been deprived of that for so long, that now I just can't get enough. I don't see all transwomen posing in photos the way I do (ditto for cisgendered women), but I can't seem to get enough of just being me. Everyone saw me as a boy, and then a man, for so long... that now I want to show them how beautiful I can be. Please keep in mind I'm fully aware that true beauty comes from within. I want people to see the inner goddess radiating out of me, and, just for a moment, think, "wow."

Do I want to show off?

Yes, to an extent. I think it's well deserved, and it does help my well-being. I enjoy just being me. I enjoy looking the way I do.

Do I want to attract a sexual partner?

Hell, no! I have a beautiful, smart, loving woman with me, who means the world to me. Besides, I've never been the promiscuous sort. The only relationships I've ever had, were five long-term ones, including Nikki. I was with these partners from nine months to five years in length. I've never been intimate with anyone else. For me, the love has to be there before anything goes further.

Am I insecure?

Somewhat. It's not all black-and-white. There is a part of me that's still stuck in the "Before Time (tm)." A voice that says, "You look like a man there." Or, "I can see a little teeny bit of shadow riiiight there." Or, "Who are you to think you can look like a girl? Do you want everyone to make fun of you?"

They don't. Not anymore. But my formative years are still hanging around in the rafters of my head. Every compliment I get boosts my self-esteem. Some would think that I'm self-important, or full of myself. Don't be fooled. I'm nowhere close to that. I want people to see me as beautiful. Yes, I can see it... but I wonder how many others can.

But don't feel sorry for me. This is my time for living, and I'm enjoying it while I can. I'm happy, and I want to show it.