I am grateful for creative minds that make wonderful TV shows and amazing movies. They stimulate our minds, helps us dream, and motivates us to become bigger than ourselves. Today, season 2 of Umbrella Academy premiered on Netflix. I just spent 10 hours of my life having a show marathon.

I am also grateful for public holidays. Even when I decided to work, they’re still quiet enough days to have a break.

I am grateful for family. For a lovely daughter that always melts my heart, a husband that makes my heart skip a beat, and days that were all in the same comfortable home.

When I filed for a week off, I was ready to be disturbed just like every other holiday I’ve filed in the past but I was equally challenging myself to break a record and have a different result this time around. And I put more bets on the latter.

The result? 1 week of 99% personal time — there was only 1 missed phone call which lead to a 2 minute consultation over workchat and my 2 self-initiated checkpoints, which were probably less than 15-minute work conversations.

This made me think how I was able to accomplish this… and perhaps, it’s worth sharing to the my workaholic circle of friends.

ONE. Believe that you deserve a week off!

TWO: Tell your team (Direct Reports, Extended Direct Reports, Your Manager) as early as possible. But what’s more important is to remind them 2-weeks before that it will happen.

Points to include:

1. Ensure that the dates works for all of them. Why? Because this means they need to be at work while you’re on leave.

2. Be clear that the next 2 weeks is prep for all of you. All projects, approvals, concerns should be done before your leave starts.

3. Reiterate the trust that you have in each of their capabilities while ensuring that things are in place for them to be ok. If you’re worried about some team members, ensure they have the extra support that they need.

4. Let them know that same week off is also available to them. Taking turns also applies to adults.

THREE: Clear your inbox, close critical items, and evaluate your to-do lists. It’s a simple prioritization that I use for my to-do lists: Finish Now, Delegate, or Can Wait until I get back.

FOUR: Have a clear endorsement plan — this is not just about who of your direct reports does what, it should include what your boss needs to be on top off. I am lucky to have a team that is capable, responsible, and independent so in the end, I only had to endorse 3 meetings my manager (and they were all just checkpoint meetings).

FIVE: The day before the leave, send another message to your team and colleagues that work closely with you.

The ones I cover:

1. Send/raise anything that needs your attention by early afternoon so you can close them off before EOD
2. They can call/message if things are burning even if you are on leave but they have other channels that they can also go to
3. Reiterate the Points of Contacts
4. Remind them of the things that make them successful.

My success reminders to my team were simple:

Stick to the Basics.

Be disciplined and organized.

Care for each other, Support each other, and Love each other.

SIX: Set your Out of Office email notifications and ensure you include your Points of Contact.

SEVEN: The first day of the leave, I actually invested 2 hours in the morning to do a final check and close off anything that came through late and over the weekend. And yes, I had to force myself to close the laptop and LET.IT.GO.

EIGHT: Set your intention to the universe. Manifest. This strengthens your resolve and aligns the universe to help you achieve the desires of your heart. I did mine through an FB post and as a bonus, I got 124 individuals (likes and comments) who shared their whitelight for my goal.

NINE: Mid-week, I think it was Wednesday afternoon. I asked how everyone was and if they would like to give a quick update. This helped me gauge if anyone needs help, my aim was to get them support before things started burning. It was not a surprise that I did not need to do anything for any of them.

Last Pro-tip: 2 hours before EOB Friday, the last day of my leave. I asked my team for an official update for the week and explained that I will probably work a couple of hours on Sunday in prep for Monday. The one thing I missed was doing the same for my manager and asking if she wants me to focus on anything first thing Monday, something for the next week off then.

Next week will probably be the stress test and there will be more learnings I can add to this. But if I just solely rely on my experience this week, the Week Off was a big win!

How about you? What do you do to prep for a vacation leave? What works?

If you end up trying my suggestions above, please share your experiences.

Today is Labour Day in the Philippines and how fitting that I, while unintentionally, forced myself to “forget” about work on this day. As I spent the day playing games, not showering, sleeping extra hours, there also formed a nagging need to figure out how and what I have been experiencing throughout this quarantine. I have said to lots of people that they have to acknowledge how they feel and only from there can they move forward but as usual, I have neglected this advice and got lost in the busy-ness of things.

As an innate introvert, I think I have it easier than most but this situation gets to everyone and no one is immune to the kinks and cracks. To me, it was the lack of balance that threw me off — work and family suddenly was blurred into one big mess. Yes, it’s easy to say ‘maintain your routine’ and strictly clock out to have family or me time. But days have been long as countries, governments, and industries swiftly changed, the impacts hit so close to home.

During the early days, I tried to stick to a routine — shower, dress, worship, work, play, walk, meditate, sleep. The first indication of slipping was when work became longer, 12 hour days at a minimum, 4/6 weekends with meetings, and then suddenly, even when you’re trying to shutdown, your brain keeps on being preoccupied with work. Sleep has suddenly become elusive. I found it excruciatingly hard to keep a routine even when I excruciatingly tried.

The anxiety came from knowing that you’re doing the right thing but also realizing how heavily people’s lives will be troubled. It came from realizing there’s not much I can do and that I am not in control. On a personal level, the anxiety comes every time the husband needs to do a run outside and imagining how to manage when ECQ ends. While others can’t wait for the lockdown to be over, I dread it. I am afraid of the potential second wave, our healthcare system’s ability or inability to cope, the high cost of getting sick. I fear having to prematurely need to live in the new normal and that we might still bring something home.

The guilt came from being ok — Survivor’s Guilt as a friend referred to it. It weighs heavily on why we’re ok when others aren’t. I feel sad for my colleagues, for medical frontliners, for other frontliners, for the people who have it hard. I found myself constantly vacillating between gratitude and guilt, there was always a choice I had to make but the constant roller-coaster emotion was never easy. The guilt also came from being home but not able to spend much time with family. This got higlighted when Sydney started virtual classes. In the old normal, someone brings your kid to school and she learns while you work in the office but in this new normal, a parent needs to balance being the teacher at home while also working from home. I am lucky I have a husband who’s currently free at the moment but he won’t be for long.

There were also days of frustration, and short bouts of anger. People will never know how much fight the team has put in. The pain we feel when people-who-can say no to work when there are others who will kill for the chance to have a job. It’s hard when I have to demand more because we all need to stretch to survive this crisis but all I really want is to give them the extra space to just be. There were uncomfortable conversations that didn’t need to happen but happened because everyone is on edge or too tired or too scared.

I am jealous of people who are bored during this lockdown — those who made Dalgona coffee, posted their new hobbies, did zoom parties, maybe tiktok. All those posts that said “you now have the time that you need” and all I could think of was “Really?”. I had FOMO while I slaved on my 7th comms pack, nth excel simulation, and endless zoom/phone conferences. But one day, I read an article about exec parents whose lives were turned upside down as work-life balance became non-existent and it reminded me that social media is often a smokescreen, people must be struggling in one way or another. It didn’t make me feel less FOMO but there is some comfort that somewhere out there is a tired working mom like me.

The gratitude was something that kept me sane. My family is safe — from my husband, my daughter and naynay in our condo, my parent down south, my siblings in their condo, my in-laws, our extended family here and around the world. I am thankful we had not needed to deal with any sickness or loss and I pray we never have to. We are financially afloat and have kept our jobs throughout the period. There is shame and pride when I say this, we’re comfortable and our basic needs includes ice cream, flavored tea, and sulfate-free shampoo. There are no worries in our hearts about where to get our next meal or how long can we hold this out. We live in an amazing community, where everything is within reach and someone sells anything you might crave for — ube cheese pandesal, veggies, fruits, fish, meat, breads, desserts and today, there was even octopus. There were also small wins at work — saving some jobs, winning on keeping some benefits, planting seeds of inspiration or hope, zoom conferences.

There are the small things that I enjoy and I feel I will continue to enjoy. The 10-sec commute to work from my bed to the living room workstation. The in-between work workouts, I absolutely enjoy them when I get to do them. Seeing my husband and daughter every day, knowing they’re just in the next room, and the joy from watching them interact. The delight from my discoveries of my daughter’s intellect and personality. My husband’s wonderful cooking. The smog-free sky.

This pandemic has changed so many lives and it will continue to change the way we live forever. It’s bittersweet that it took me 45 days to write this out but I am glad that I did. I have come to accept that because I am human, I will have a thousand feelings flow through me. And in the midst of all the feelings, I choose to anchor myself in faith, hope, and love.

Every. Single. Day. I will have to make a choice and I will have to fight myself for those choices. I will do this so there can be better days ahead.

… And I hope I can always find the off switch.

I was ready to publish a completely different post when I realized a deep-rooted limiting belief, which is that Love and Marriage requires Sacrifice. As far as I can remember, my parents’ marriage was always full of tears — fights, near separations, silent treatments –but they’ve always stayed together. Somehow, that became my ingrained truth.

In hindsight, I realized that I somehow became a 3rd person in my parents’ marriage. I remember fighting with them to try and appease the situation or one of them unloading their sentiments to me after a misunderstanding. Up to know, I could sense when their relationship is good, bad, or worse.

I learned to cope by rationalizing. Cerebral was how a friend described it, protection was how I saw it. I used to think that I found it hard to process emotion because my family wasn’t very showy but in hindsight, I think I might have trained myself to not feel emotion because it was the best way I knew to not to get hurt.

Without intention, the repeated rationalizing has lead to numbing myself. Borrowing from Elsa, “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know”.

And in this process and with the belief that Love is a sacrifice, I have managed to always put myself last. The funny thing is I was rational enough to know that I need self-care. I gave myself time but it was always the last hour of the week and I was always willing to cancel for someone else. Always with sacrifice.

So I need to form my new truth and what best to choose a truth from God, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

And it doesn’t say love equals sacrifice, noh?

#IChooseLove

I feel this whole process has either made me extra sensitive or the journey is causing unresolved issues to surface. Either way, I am uncomfortable and I am unhappy.

If love is the answer and then I am lost in the questions still.

Seriously, I liked me better before this journey… but I am holding on the fact that I will find a better person if I trust the process. I have always promised myself that I will try things at least once and change should not scare me, so persevere I will.

One tip given is that during the hard days, you have to go back to your declaration so I am choosing that, I choose Love.

Today though, I realized something very important on how I have been able to keep myself “happy”. I always knew that I was grateful and that I chose to look at life as glass half-full. I tried hard not to because there are people who have bigger problems than me. But this gratefulness is also my problem because when confronted with a situation that made me unhappy or made me uncomfortable, I will choose a flight response and I would rationalize that feeling sad is being ungrateful.

Fast forward to today, I have made so many choices that I made myself as the last priority. I have trained people to take me for granted. I have agreed to things that made others happy even if it didn’t sit well with me. I’ve become a person who needed validation. And I apologize for almost everything — perceived or real.

Why? Because I simply wanted love. I believe that love should always be reciprocal — you get what you give. So in the hopes of getting the love I want back, I give all that I have to give.

This definitely stems from my feelings of unworthiness. That no one can love me for just being me. But I realize how that is the farthest from the truth, the first person that needs to love me for me should be ME!!! How dumb of me to just get this now and I feel like laughing because I have shed a million tears over begging for love when I have so much of it to give and I only needed to decide to give it to myself first.

And you know what? This is all on me.

As we were finishing call centre at home, I started getting Sydney prepped for our painting activity. I gave her the paints first and I told her there was still a unicorn art set but I couldn’t figure out where I put it, she immediately helped me to look for it. When we finally had both sets and I started setting up the table, I could see pure joy in her eyes and she expressed her delight with squeals. She was literally “gigil” and was shouting “I am so excited”.

It’s not the first time I’ve seen her react that way but I think it’s the first time that she had it for something we were going to do together. Heart burst!

Now, there was a point that we were getting a bit messy and I caught myself controlling the situation because I wanted things to be neat and I didn’t want to have to do lots of clean-up. But again, I caught myself and I went back to my goal and my declaration, why am I doing this anyway? It’s for her to feel how much I love her and to live my declaration of I choose Love.

So I stopped controlling and let her be as messy and as happy as she could be, she was pure joy and I am pure joy with her.

I am so lucky that I have Sydney to remind me of my essence and how I should live my life everyday — trusting, joyful, loving, accepting, passionate, and committed to play.

The not so obvious changes are the ones others can only sense and only I can feel.

You’ve changed the meaning of every love song for me.  I hear Betty Who on the radio and ‘I love you always forever’ suddenly isn’t about a boy and a girl but our love story. I am breaking my promise to your dad to only be in love with him because I am hopelessly in love with you (it’s the same for him so it’s ok).

I wake up every morning earlier than I want to cause every extra waking hour is time with you. I don’t bother with my phone as soon as I wake up like I used to. My first thought now is how well you’ve slept and if you feel great today (and then I think of your dad).

Priorities have taken a backseat to you. Work-life balance jumped on top of the list cause I need to be involved in everything you. Yes, we’ll probably be obsessive parents (we’ll try hard not to be) and you’ll complain a lot but you will never be wanting.

I sleep less but sleep much better when you sleep soundly between mum & dad. I’ve memorized your little snores, your dreamin’ smiles, and every grunt.

Your smiles make a big difference between a bad and a great day. I rarely have bad days cause you make everything better. I forget all the trivial problems when I’m reminded of how great God’s love is by looking at you.

Family meant so much more when you arrived… and I can only see my future when it’s connected with your dad and you.

Day 285 is one of those low days. Our doctor recommended we go through artificial insemination through IUI, the procedure isn’t cheap (though nowhere near as expensive as IVF) and it was a bit uncomfortable (not something I would look forward to repeating). Of course, we had high hopes.

That 30 seconds when you realize that you’ve gotten your period is devastating. It makes you fearful of the future, makes you feel like a failure, makes you doubt your value as a wife — it’s something I’ve gone through monthly within the last 6 months and something I go through alone. 30 seconds of utter heartbreak.

But because the world didn’t stop, you pick yourself up and shake it off. You make that phone call to the husband and comfort each other, you trust that he will love you no matter what. You say that short prayer of forgiveness for despairing, of strength to get through another setback, and of faith to keep on believing that your dreams will happen in his perfect time. You go through the normal requirements of your day despite dysmenorrhea reminding you of what you don’t have yet. You keep that smile on your face and silently crave your bedroom so you can cry for a few minutes. You think of how else can you eat healthier or how much more exercise you should pack in your day. Like clockwork, you go back to that doctor’s office and go through it again with as much hope as you can muster.

Perhaps it wasn’t really a surprise, I was already taking steps for it not to happen but maybe I wasn’t fast enough or urgent enough or sensitive enough. Now that it’s done, there might not even be any benefit of trying to figure out what could have been.

At my core, I am shattered and broken to pieces, to shreds, to tiny grains and specks. Most of the time I keep it together, I smile and laugh and am courageously moving forward.

Yet the night haunts me, it is mostly when I am nearest that I feel most alone.