Belady's Blog

Me vs. Nicole Kidman

2012-04-09T00:17:00.003-04:00

You guys. I finally did it. I finally did what I have said I have wanted to do, what I have dreamed of doing for the past 2 years. I moved myself all the way down to the beautiful city of Charleston, South Carolina. I look around at the bare walls of my new apartment right now and think to myself how unreal it all seems. What I "resolved" to do almost a year and a half ago has finally been "resolved" so to speak; I have my own rooms, my own water in the pipes, my own food in the fridge, my own view from my own windows. This is all something that I have dreamed of for so long. And now it is all a reality.

My head spins.

I left a lot behind in Tennessee. My whole life, in fact. I hugged my family and friends all tight and sometimes tearfully said my farewells. I mean, I'm not dying or anything. I'll see them again. But it is sad. It's sad to say goodbye to the people you love in any circumstance and for any given period of time. But they are the rocks on which I stand. They have all showered me with love and support that I never ever knew existed and I am so utterly grateful. I miss them. I know they wish me well, but I miss them.

Now to address the goofy title I gave this post.

My first night alone here, I watched one of my favorite movies, Moulin Rouge. There really isn't anything about that movie that I don't love. If you have never seen it, basically what happens is Ewan McGregor, a penniless writer, falls in love with Nicole Kidman, a prostitute who has almost lost all hope in her humanity. The movie is fueled by music, nearly all covers of relevant hits from all decades. One such song featured is a lovely rendition of "One Day I'll Fly Away," sung by Kidman. I used to sing that song at the top of my lungs in my old house. I would come home after school, have the house to myself, and belt it out. And what made it special was that I meant every word.

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends?

So as I was curled up watching the lovely Nicole sing this tune for the umpteenth time, this time was different. I paused and reflected because my life was different now than it has ever been before.

I flew away.

I still have to keep reminding myself that I am actually here, seven hours from my parents' house, Milligan, and everything and everyone I'm close to back home. I know I have only been here one week, so I suppose it's just something I'll get used to. There's no textbook on how to be strong and stand on your own for the first time in your life. Granted, everyone has advice..some good, some bad, some just downright odd, and some just downright fantastic. So far I've tried to just take it one day at a time and trust in the Lord. He is, after all, the one who led me here. He is the one who gave me the courage, the patience, the strength, and the wings to help me fly all the way to Charleston. And who am I to question a power like that?

Tonight, I'm watching Cold Mountain, another Kidman film. In this one, she's a mild Southern belle who has moved away from Charleston. Funny. I don't know. Maybe it's only funny in my weird little brain. But I thought it was an interesting parallel.

I've made some big decisions as of late. I'm confident but scared. More confident than scared. More excited than nervous. More curious than anxious. More fascinated than ever.

On the southern accent front, I've got Nicole Kidman beat. Hands down. Everything else however, well, that's up for discussion.

Smashing Pumpkins, Disarm

2012-01-22T22:30:00.001-05:00

.snoituloseR

2012-01-01T12:11:00.005-05:00

You say you want a resolution?
Strike that. Reverse it.

Here's the thing... Every year, I make New Year's resolutions. And every year, I don't follow through. Last year, I wrote an entire post about all the stuff I wanted to do in 2011. And while SOME of the things managed to make it out of the starting gate (like flossing and not drinking soda), and even ONE of them I managed to actually accomplish (yes, I did in fact graduate from college), the rest did not prosper as I so hoped. Sad? Yes. Disappointing? Perhaps? Who really cares? Nadda. So I digress.

My new philosophy for this new year is NOT to make a resolution but instead to reflect and sort of have reverse resolutions...like...resolves. Realizations. Any more "r" words for that sentence, folks? Cause I'm out.

So here's a look back on a year that I have lived, grown in, learned from, and pushed me along, kicking and screaming, into what promises to be my best year ever, 2012....

I have resolved that if you (pardon my language) shit where you eat, it's gonna get you absolutely freaking NO WHERE. If you are rude, inconsiderate, ungrateful, and hateful towards the people who love and care about you, don't count on them to stick around. Part of being a friend or even a family member means taking what they give you and also giving back. I read something online recently that really struck me...

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

How true those words are. So in short, consider the people in your life in what you do and say and especially how you treat them. Life should be full of love, not hate. It seems like a no-brainer to me.

I have resolved that not everyone you meet in your lifetime is going to be your friend. This point may seem counter intuitive to the previous one, but hear me out. Not all persons walking this earth are going to be enriching to you as an individual. Some people are going to speak a different metaphorical language than you do. Maybe these people make you feel like poop about yourself. Maybe they don't understand you and put you down about how you are. Maybe they pressure you to do things you don't want to do. I don't know. Everyone's journey is different. My point is that you gotta know when to draw the line. You gotta know when to walk away. It's not a hateful thing. It's not anything except knowing what's best for YOU. Love is possible even from a distance. It's better to love from a distance than try to make everyone your BFF and get drug through the mud on a daily basis. It can also be considered a health issue. A mental one. An emotional one. Even a spiritual one. Even Jesus knew the right time to walk away.

I have resolved that the economy and job market absolutely sucked the big one this past year, and myself and my fellow college graduates got screwed. However, even if the economy and job market had been phenomenal, I am extremely thankful for my family. They have been there for me in a way I could have never imagined this past year. My family is my support and my everything. If I was really making a concrete resolution this year, I would make the resolution to somehow give back to my family even if it's just a small part of what they have given to me this year. It's immeasurable. I am a very blessed girl who, while desperate to stand on her own two feet like the grown woman she is, loves her mom and dad. Very much.

I have resolved that even though I'm working in a restaurant at the moment, I am thankful for my job and my education. I may have to work for a long time before I find a job in my field, but I'm glad my education is exactly where I want it. And I am very thankful for the job I have. There are good days and bad days, like in any job. But the people I work with are kind, hilarious, and we all care about each other. We're all in it together. Workin' for the man. I couldn't ask for better co-workers. While the next step in my life is impending, I know that when I take it I will miss the people I've come to know and love these past months.

I have resolved that the older I get, the dumber facebook gets. I'm probably a hypocrite for saying that because I'm probably not going to get rid of it (let's be honest here). In some ways, facebook is awesome. You can keep up with your friends and reconnect with people you never thought you'd see or hear from again. It's an amazing tool. That's the whole reason I got one in the first place. But it also really annoys me. It's turned into this whole big thing of relationship statuses and status updates on an hourly basis and checking in places and gossip and trends and all kinds of bull crap. What are you a fan of? Who are you subscribed to? What's on your mind? How many friends and photos of yourself can you round up? It's so much hype for such little things. I don't know why I rant. I guess just because I can... I could have ranted on facebook. But I opted for something slightly less ironic. But only slightly. I've thought about getting a Twitter...but that's like asking which is the lesser between two evils. Haha, okay good Lord dramatic rant over I'm seriously just rambling and okay I'm done.

I have resolved that life finds you. Even if you think that nothing exciting is happening in your life right now, there is. You can run but you can't hide from life. Things happen, like they always say, when you least expect them. Things work out and it blows your mind. Things don't work out and it blows your mind. With all the mind blowing that I've been through this past year, it's amazing I'm still standing. Everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for all of us and it all works together in this amazing way like we're all in this giant ant farm full of intersecting paths and tunnels and short cuts and marathon laps. It's so incredible I can't wrap my brain around it. Life finds you.

Lastly, I have resolved that you are happiest in life when you are just being you. When you aren't putting on any kind of mask or facade, you will find the truest joy. And this is coming from an actress. Weird, huh? But when you find an environment where you don't have to hide...when you find people...or even just one special person with whom you can just let go and be yourself, it fills your heart in a way you can't describe. It's so easy and freeing and sweet and simple and beautiful. It's...like love. Who knew that little old you was capable of such wonder. It's inside all of us. There is a creature lurking inside that big, thumping heart of yours that can set the Atlantic Ocean on fire. There is passion and fun and hope and rage and eagerness and music and dancing and crying and screaming and shouting and joy. Joy to the world. It was there all along. Who knew. Surround yourself with the places and people who bring that out in you. I mean...why wouldn't you. Seriously. Why. Wouldn't. You.

It is my dearest wish that 2012 brings you all your resolutions on a silver platter. And if you're like me and must simply make a few "resolves," I hope you've discovered as much about yourself as I have this year. I also hope that the world doesn't end. But maybe that threat of impending doom will fix us all to live life to the fullest every day this year. Let go of our fears and just jump. I hope the world doesn't end, but nonetheless, as they say in RENT, "No day but today."

Happy New Year. I love you all.

Christmas Blog 2011

2011-12-24T19:17:00.002-05:00

"So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun

And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong

And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun

And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

War is over over
If you want it
War is over
Now..."
-John Lennon & Yoko Ono

When trying to come up with what I wanted to write for my Christmas blog this year, I was stumped. But then I remembered how I have heard this song on the radio like 5 times in the past 2 days. That's gotta mean something. I have heard this song by the great John Lennon many times over the years but I have never really taken the time to sit down and really read the words. Lennon was a poet. His words were powerful and each one had purpose and meaning behind it. While this song is played only around Christmas time, its message is universal and timeless.

"War is over if you want it." Isn't that wonderful? I think that's just wonderful. Truly. "Another year over and a new one just begun."

Lennon knew that Christmas was, as is so often stated, a time for peace on Earth and good will toward men, and in his own poetic way he wished that same sentiment. However, he also understood that Christmas is a sad time, too. It's a time of year when some families are pulled apart. It's a sad time this year for my family. My papaw, who passed away in March, his birthday was on Christmas Day. Every year my dad's side of the family would have this big party for Christmas/Papaw's Birthday. It was such a fun night and we all looked forward to it. And this year it won't happen. It's hard. Life is sad sometimes, including Christmas time (and in this case, especially Christmas time). But sadness is not to be fixated on. It's not to be dwelt upon. No one in this life ever got anywhere by saying "woe is me." No. Christmas is a time to remember those who have gone on and celebrate the life and peace we still share. Even in his Christmas songs, Lennon still sang about peace. We need it now more than ever.

I hope with all my heart that you keep those dear to you close to you this Christmas, even if it's just in your heart. Tell your loved ones that you love them. Enjoy the holiday and embrace its spirit wholly. Have a very merry Christmas. I hope it's a good one, without any fear. God bless.

Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.

Thanksgiving Blog 2011

2011-11-25T01:40:00.006-05:00

Last year, my thanksgiving blog was a giant list of all the things I felt thankful for. The listed "thankful items" were things, people, places, and ideas that pretty much defined who I was and what I cared about at that time. Reading through the 2010 blog, all of those things still ring true. But in the past year, a lot has changed. Life isn't quite as simple as it was. But the list of things I am thankful for has definitely grown...not only in size but in depth.

I'm thankful for...

Being a citizen of the United States of America. I know this sounds cliche, but every now and then I really just take a moment to pause and reflect on the fact that I am one lucky girl to be born and raised here in the USA. I've never wanted for anything in my entire life. I am spoiled positively rotten. I am extremely blessed to live in a country that is abundant in everything I would ever need, amazing opportunities to achieve greatness, and the freedom to live my life as I please. It's an incredible thing.

My education. Since last Thanksgiving, I earned my Bachelor's Degree. I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here (because I feel like I bring up school and my graduation a lot), but gosh darn it I can't help but praise every Saint in heaven for the fact that I am an educated individual. And adding to it, my education is exactly where I want it to be. I majored in two arts that have my heart and soul wrapped up in them. Even while I wait for job opportunities, it's such a comfort to know that my education is molded into the exact shape I wanted it to be when I started school.

My family. They have done a brave thing and lifted up a black sheep. They are all, and I mean ALL, scientifically and rationally minded people. There are really no other "artists" in my family. Sure, there are a few who can play an instrument or draw very well or sing beautifully, but none of them attempted to pursue the arts in the fashion that I have. But have they even blinked an eye at my decision to do so? No. They have always fully supported me in all of my endeavors. I know what a huge blessing that is. They are the legs I stand on. I love them.

My MSA 12 family. My three best friends in the whole world. The girls who became the sisters I never had. The girls who put up with my dramatics for 4 years. The girls who were never afraid to admit that they were human. The most wonderful people in the world. I love them. And I pray we will always have each other.

My theatre family. After four years of seeing each other at our best and our worst, we all came out alive. We made each other better. We inspired each other. We were a team. And as time went on, we became a family. I am a better artist because of them. I love them. May we grace stages together again someday. It was just too fun to never happen again.

Art. All of it. Everywhere. The whole kit'n'kaboodle. The beauty of art is that it never ends. May it endure and live on always. May traditions like opera and ballet never die. May the children of the current generation understand that auto-tuned actresses singing against a computerized drum beat does not qualify as music. And grinding is not dancing. But whether I love it or hate it, or whether you love it or hate it, may art in all forms live on.

Tomorrow's promise. This is a repeat from last year's list. But I still think about this one almost every day. Having a rough day? Feeling unsure? Can't shake the doubts? Guess what..this too shall pass. And tomorrow life can change. In fact, life can change right now, in this moment. My point is that the future holds so much potential for greatness. Don't dread it. Expand it. Make it yours. What have you got to lose? It's your life. Hello. Yay.

Last, but certainly not least, I am thankful for a God who knows my needs far better than I ever could or ever will. He leads me to places I would never dare go. He directs me away from places I'm desperate to go. But at the end of the day, it's all in his crazy/amazing plan to make my life a life worth living. Sometimes I go kicking and screaming, but He drags me on, bless Him. Excellent example..He knows that my patience, stamina, and sanity needs some muscle. So He put me to work in a restaurant. Oh, the tricks up His sleeve never cease to amaze me... But seriously, I'm thankful for a God who knows me and loves me anyway. I'm thankful for His mercy. Without it, I'm nothing.

May we all remember to be thankful and count our blessings every day of the year. I pray that your Thanksgiving was filled with love, food, and humbleness.

((Oh and Charleston, Diet Mt Dew, Zebo, bagels and cream cheese, bug comic, Cake Boss, Extreme Couponing, Glee, Applebee's, and S.S.M. Whew. Glad I got that off my chest.))

A Little Night Music, Later

2011-11-12T15:13:00.001-05:00

Later... When is later?
All you ever hear is "Later, Henrik. Henrik, later."
"Yes, we know, Henrik! Oh, Henrik!
Everyone agrees, Henrik! Please, Henrik!"
You have a thought you're fairly bursting with,
A personal discovery or problem, and it's:
"What's your rush, Henrik? Shush, Henrik!
Goodness, how you gush, Henrik! Hush, Henrik!
You murmur, 'I only-- It's just that--'
For God's sake, later, Henrik!"
"Henrik... Who is Henrik?
Oh, that lawyer's son, the one who mumbles.
Short and boring,
Yes, he's hardly worth ignoring,
And who cares if he's all damned--" I beg your pardon-- "Up inside?"
As I've often stated,
It's intolerable being tolerated.
"Reassure Henrik, Poor Henrik.
Henrik, you'll endure being pure, Henrik."
Though I've been born, I've never been!
How can I wait around for later?
I'll be ninety on my deathbed
And the late, or, rather, later, Henrik Egerman.
Doesn't anything begin?

Just Go With It

2011-10-16T15:16:00.005-04:00

I have not blogged in quite a while. There are a few reasons for this. Two that particularly stand out in my mind: one, I've been busy (isn't that the excuse everybody has all the time?); and two, I haven't really had anything to write about. And when I say that I mean I haven't felt like anything that has happened in the past couple of months has been really "of note" so to speak. But things are slowly starting to change. Shift. Metamorph. Is that a word?

I've been a college graduate for almost 6 months now. It's very hard to believe. Sometimes, when I look at my life where it sits now, I feel a little weirded out. I have always been an over-achiever or, at the very least, an achiever. I've always tried my absolutely hardest to simply excel. I kept good grades. I was involved in extra-ciriculars. I was a student leader. It was right where I wanted to be as a student. It was where my family, friends, and mentors wanted me to be as well. And it was a glorious time. But that season has finally come to an end. The "student" chapter of my life is over. O-v-e-r. So after 19 years of being a fully-programmed student achiever, what do I do now that I have "achieved?"

Last January, I sat down with my theatre professor to discuss my future after graduation. He explained to me what to expect with a theatre job and such and I suddenly felt very panicked. I do this thing when I get very, very nervous where I get very quiet and my eyes tears up and I can't talk because of this giant lump that forms in my throat. Some might call this emotion "terror." I was afraid...afraid of the mere prospect of achieving what I had been working towards my entire life. Seeing this fear due to the fact that I can't hide my emotions even if I tried, my professor (and dear friend) asked me what was wrong. I told him very simply that I was beginning to realize that my whole world revolved around one thing and that I was so scared of both not being able to succeed and also succeeding. Nothing about that concept really made sense but it's just how I felt. If I don't succeed, what was it all for? If I do succeed, what more is there? I know I love what I do, but is there more to discover in life that what I had exposed myself to day-in and day-out for all those years? Was there more life to be ventured and ground to be broken outside the walls I had lovingly built for myself?

Of course there was. Of course there is.

I am a very blessed girl. My professor, my mentors, and even my own parents have all told me the same thing. "Melanie, just be happy. It doesn't matter what you're doing, so long as you are happy. The Lord will work things out the way He wants them no matter what, so what is there to worry about?" I am so thankful that last statement is the truest thing I've ever heard.

So here I am, about six months out of school, life seemingly at some kind of halt. But I look around a see blessings.

I have a job which I have actually grown to love. Not for the job itself necessarily but for the people I've met and befriended there. They really are great people and I know how lucky I am to have the job and the co-workers that I have.
I have a family who supports me, believes in me, and have the patience of saints. That is too much of a blessing to even put into words and I hope that no matter where I end up or what I'm doing that I make them proud.
The relationships I have with my school friends stand strong. Possibly even stronger than before. I know what counts in this life and true friends count in a big way. I hope that I stay friends with these people my whole life. They became my family in many ways. They're the siblings I never had and I love them dearly.
I have made friends and built new relationships with people outside of school friends. This was something I was very nervous about upon graduating. School friends were pretty much all I had ever had. New friends are amazing, especially the ones I've made.

But the most amazing lesson I've learned?

If you let go of yourself...
...your insecurities
...your fears
...your doubts
...your self-proclaimed patterns
...your plans
God will not only open wonderful doors and mind-blowing windows...
...but He'll knock down whole walls.

And you'll find happiness where you least expected it.
When you least expected it.
With whom you least expected it.

And God help you if you don't. just. go with it.

Now that's what I call blessed assurance.

I'll Stand By You

2011-08-11T16:52:00.003-04:00

"Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you"

The Bird Ain't the Only Word

2011-08-05T18:38:00.004-04:00

At our age, we think we know everything. I know I thought I knew everything as soon as I was old enough to talk. All I wanted was to be a grown-up so people would FINALLY start listening to me and taking what I say seriously because I KNEW what I was talking about. But the older I got, the more I realized that I not only didn't know everything, I really knew nothing.

It's like the old expression, "You know what happens when you assume." Going through life assuming you know what you're doing is not the right way to do things. I mean, I'm an actress. I hope to make a living someday by pretending to know what I'm doing. So sometimes my "work habits" slip into my personal life. And that ain't good. For nobody.

Sometimes when we are forging through life, things can get a little stressful. We come across obstacles that block our path or our light or our focus. It can be quite hard to sort through all the bad stuff and get to the good. But another part of our walk is helping others along to way. It's part of what we, as Christians, are commanded to do by God. Love one another. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Spread love everywhere, with all your heart in it. And granted, there are many different ways to love in this crazy world. But love...love is the most important thing we do. Love is the thing, you know.

To live is to love. I was thinking the other day about the phrase "live your life." What does that really mean? My first thought was traveling. For some reason, and don't ask me why (I know why--it's because I'm weird), when I think about "really living," I picture myself living in a gorgeous penthouse apartment in Venice, Italy. Streets made of water. Breathtaking architecture. Gourmet food. The works. Pure luxury & class. However, when I really stopped to think about my fantasy, I realized that happiness would only exist in Venice for me if I had someone (or many someones) there to enjoy it with me. People I loved.

LOVE IS THE THING.

Tying it back to what I was originally saying, when we think we know it all, we have tenancies to think we flat out know better. We know better than others and sometimes we feel we should let them know that. Sometimes this IS the case and we can help a brother or sister out of love. Other times, this is done simply to show off or out of spite or to rub someone's nose in whatever the case might be. This is not how you love. This is not a good life choice.

Everyone has at least one thing in common. We are all human. We all make mistakes. We all have moments when we are smart and we all have moments when we are complete idiots. The point is that it's okay! If we can humble ourselves to admit that we are not perfect, that we are only human and we need compassion and mercy and love just as much as the next person, that's a definite step in the "good life choice" direction if you ask me.

Brush off your scraped knee and lend a helping hand when your brother falls.

Love is the thing, you know.

Never Alone

2011-08-01T22:56:00.000-04:00

After some research, I find I might be the last person on Earth to hear this song. But just in case I'm wrong, I hope this blesses your day like it blessed mine. Let this also be a reminder that I have not forgotten you, oh blog. Not by a long shot.

Chess, Nobody's Side

2011-06-24T23:01:00.003-04:00

What's going on around me
Is barely making sense
I need some explanations fast
I see my present partner
In the imperfect tense
And I don't see how we can last
I feel I need a change of cast
Maybe I'm on nobody's side.

And when he gives me reasons
To justify each move
They're getting harder to believe
I know this can't continue
I've still a lot to prove
There must be more I could achieve
But I don't have the nerve to leave.

Everybody's playing the game
But nobody's rules are the same
Nobody's on nobody's side
Better learn to go it alone
Recognize you're out on your own
Nobody's on nobody's side.

The one I should not think of
Keeps rolling through my mind
And I don't want to let that go
No lover's ever faithful
No contract truly signed
There's nothing certain left to know
And how the cracks begin to show!

Never make a promise or plan
Take a little love where you can
Nobody's on nobody's side

Never stay too long in your bed
Never lose your heart, use your head
Nobody's on nobody's side.

Never take a stranger's advice
Never let a friend fool you twice
Nobody's on nobody's side

Never be the first to believe
Never be the last to deceive
Nobody's on nobody's side

And never leave a moment too soon
Never waste a hot afternoon
Nobody's on nobody's side

Never stay a minute too long
Don't forget the best will go wrong
Nobody's on nobody's side.

Better learn to go it alone
Recognize you're out on your own
Nobody's on nobody's side.

Pomp & Circumstance

2011-05-14T22:03:00.005-04:00

pomp - noun \ˈpämp\ 1 : a show of magnificence
cir·cum·stance - noun \ˈsər-kəm-ˌstan(t)s, -stən(t)s\ 1a : a condition, fact, or event accompanying, conditioning, or determining another

A week ago today, I graduated from college.
A week ago today, I received my Bachelor of Arts Degree.
Fine Arts. Theatre & Film Studies.
A week ago today, I officially became an adult.

I can now say that I am a college graduate. No more papers, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks. But good Lord, how I will miss them. The above picture is of me, my fellow graduating theatre majors, and our two theatre professors. In short, those are four of my favorite and most beloved people in the world. In the four much-too-short years we spent together, we became more than co-workers, more than friends. We became a family. And that experience is one I will treasure forever.

Now I'm back home. I have yet to conquer the world in the week I've been an educated woman. But baby steps are still steps.

I have applied for several jobs here in Knoxville.
I was accepted to write for a local website, freelance with [minimal] pay.
I'm headed to Florida next week for an audition.

I have learned lots of things in college. One of the most important lessons I learned and am still learning is patience. Patience is far more than a virtue. It's a necessity of life and one can scarcely survive without it. I intend to shovel patience under my belt in spades.

A wise person I know reminded me of another one of life's important lessons the other day... "Do what you love. The rest will fall into place." How true and hopeful that statement is. As an artist, I really would rather be poor and content than financially sound and miserable. That's just not the kind of life I want. Of course being destitute isn't ideal but neither is settling.

Never settle.
Have patience.
Do what you love.
Have hope.

May all of our pomp determine our circumstance.

The best of times is now. As for tomorrow, well, who knows?

The Secret Garden, Hold On

2011-04-30T20:48:00.002-04:00

What you've got to do is
Finish what you have begun,
I don't know just how,
But it's not over 'til you've won!

When you see the storm is coming,
See the lightning part the skies,
It's too late to run-
There's terror in your eyes!
What you do then is remember
This old thing you heard me say:
"It's the storm, not you,
That's bound to blow away."

Hold on,
Hold on to someone standing by.
Hold on.
Don't even ask how long or why!
Child, hold on to what you know is true,
Hold on 'til you get through.
Child, oh child!
Hold on!

When you feel your heart is poundin',
Fear a devil's at your door.
There's no place to hide-
You're frozen to the floor!
What you do then is you force yourself
To wake up, and you say:
"It's this dream, not me,
that's bound to go away."

Hold on,
Hold on, the night will soon be by.
Hold on,
Until there's nothing left to try.
Child, hold on, There's angels on their way!
Hold on and hear them say,
"Child, oh child!"

And it doesn't even matter
If the danger and the doom
Come from up above or down below,
Or just come flying
At you from across the room!

When you see a man who's raging,
And he's jealous and he fears
That you've walked through walls
He's hid behind for years.
What you do then is you tell yourself to wait it out
And say it's this day, not me,
That's bound to go away.

Child, oh hold on.
It's this day, not you,
That's bound to go away!

As You Like It

2011-04-24T20:24:00.005-04:00

As You Like It is certainly not one of my favorite plays by Shakespeare. Too many silly plot twists and complicated characters and story lines. But the paradox of the play's complexity is that the play is classified as "pastoral." A pastoral story is one that is set in the country among folk like farmers and shepherds, surrounded by vast, rolling fields, deep forests, and livestock among all the animals nature offers. In other words, the pastoral life is the simple life. Hence the paradox; a pastoral (simple) story of great complexity.

Over the past couple of days, I have been home for Easter weekend. It's always nice to come home. This trip is particularly unique, however. This is the last school break I will ever have. The next time I come home, I will be coming home as a college graduate. This summer will not be summer vacation. It will just be summer. This weekend is my last school break ever. And that is a tough pill to swallow.

When you approach an end, you start thinking about the beginning. I'm about to turn the page to a whole new chapter of my life. So lately I've been thinking about the things I love and wanted when I was a child. And what I loved I think more than anything as I child was the outdoors. Now I know that all little kids love to play outside. That's nothing out of the ordinary. But still, I loved it. I have such fond memories of going on all these elaborate adventures when I was a little kid. Just me and Sky Puppy, my dog, at my side. The house I grew up in was a log cabin right on the edge of the woods. We lived in the county, away from the noise and bustle of the city (and let me tell you, Elizabethton offered a great amount of both noise and bustle...except not really). Anyway, Sky and I would go outside on a sunny evening and just explore. We would find hidden glens, new lookout points to spy on the neighbors, and all sorts of private places where I could just sit and think or sing or dance or do whatever it is that little kids do when they're alone. The point was that I always felt free. I felt adventurous. I felt alive.

Luckily, as I got older I found life in new things like music, theatre, and school. I found life in the new adventures I found in those facets and with the new friends I made from them. But I've always thought back on my simpler days, lying on the grass with Sky Puppy, dreaming about being a grown up lady. Falling in love. Getting married. Being intelligent. Being happy.

Sometimes I still feel like that little girl. And sometimes, even at the same time, she seems so very far away.

It may also be worth mentioning how obsessed I was with Pocahontas. I had Pocahontas everything. Posters, dolls, bad spreads, sheets, curtains. Everything. I was fascinated with her. Perhaps it was because she was beautiful and courageous and did cool things like swam in her clothes and dove off waterfalls and had friends that were raccoons and hummingbirds. Or maybe it was because she was a real person. She lived. She was an inspiration to generations, not just to me. But I think the reason I loved Pocahontas so much was because she was free.

"She goes wherever the wind takes her."

I think that one does not find adventure. Adventure has to find you. Like it found Pocahontas. Like it found every great hero or heroine we read about in books or watch in movies. As a child, you create your own adventures by playing make-believe. As an adult, you are far more vulnerable. You must willingly submit yourself to letting the wind blow you wherever it beckons. The wind which the Lord himself blows. Who knew that we, as children, had a much firmer grasp on our dreams than we do as adults? Why is that? Because now we know our limits? We are aware of consequences? We have all tasted defeat and we fear it with our whole hearts?

Standing on the brink, I remember my childhood pastoral retreat. Watching the clouds go by. Listening to a babbling stream. Listening to the birds and crickets chirp. A car passes only now and then. The leaves rustle on their branches as a night breeze blows in. Peaceful. Still. Calm. That is my happy place. That's how I like it.

Life will be as you like it. But only if you go where the wind takes you.

Barbie Girl

2011-04-08T12:23:00.006-04:00

Like most little girls, I was obsessed with Barbie Dolls. I had at least one hundred Barbies that I played with on a fairly regular basis as a child. Only one Ken Doll though (he was a happy, happy Ken). Some of these dolls were what my mother deemed "collectibles." These were, obviously, the ones that she wouldn't let me play with. They had to stay in the box, package sealed. "Because they would be worth a lot of money someday." I really owe Barbie a lot of credit to my decision to become an actress. Not only did Barbie look pretty, but she did EVERYTHING. I mean, just check out this list of all the stuff she has done (and is still continuing to do to this day!)

List of Barbie's Careers

Barbie is superwoman. She does it all. With a smile that says "life is good," Barbie is the personification of what most little girls, including me, always wanted life to be. For me, instead of pursuing one of her many fields of profession, I wanted to do it all. Why be qualified to do one job well when you can look like you do many jobs well. Hence my love for acting began to grow.

Now here I am, twenty-two years old, a senior in college with less than a month until graduation...and I don't feel qualified to do jack squat.

I wish there was even one thing I could do exceedingly well in. Like if I was excellent at teaching or being a physician of some kind or practicing law or playing a sport or even something mundane like accounting (no offense if you're an accountant). I just wish that I was so good at something that people would refer others to me. Like..oh you need this done? Well you gotta go to Melanie. She's the best. I guess that's what everyone craves, right? Excellence and reputation. I mean, if you're going to spend your life doing something, you might as well be the best.

I like to think I'm good at what I do. But what I do is acting. I stand on a stage, recite lines that someone else wrote, perform action as someone else directs me to do, and pretend like I'm someone else. I lose myself in doing that. It's my passion. It's what I love. But how much of that is really...me? How much of it comes from the rawness of Melanie? And how much of it comes from being spoon fed by others?

I guess it's just part of becoming an adult. I suppose I'll find out more about myself in the coming year than I ever have before. I won't be in school anymore. I won't be relying on my parents (for the most part) anymore. I won't have school or family to crutch my way through my life anymore. In a way, I'm really excited about the prospect of independence. I've always hated having to "be the kid." I want to be an adult, through and through. Maintaining a firm control over my life, I want to be responsible and show the world that, yes, I can do this. And I can do this well.

But do what well? Wait tables? Answer phones? Flip burgers? Would you like fries with that? Praying for tips so I can pay to have that pesky leak in my cardboard box home taken care of? What the heck am I qualified to do?

You can't get a job without work experience. I've dedicated my life to my schooling. I haven't worked that much at all. I feel like I'm way behind in life already and I'm just now at the starting gate. It's not a good feeling at all.

Food expenses, gas expenses, insurance, taxes, cell phone bill, utilities, rent. You can't get an apartment without proof of income but where do you start applying for jobs if you are unsure of where you're going to live?

Graduate college and life will fall into place. Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.
Trust in the Lord, and He will make your path straight. Truth, truth, truth, truth, truth.

I don't know where I'm headed. I don't feel ready or qualified. I'm scared. But even though I don't know where this crazy caravan of life is taking me, it's nice to know who's behind the wheel. With that comfort, I feel like I could be a ballerina or an astronaut, or a cowgirl or a princess or even a business woman (did I redeem myself accountants?). I could be a Barbie Girl. An accessible one. Not a collectible. You'll go no where in life if you never leave your box, no matter how much you're "worth."

You're always in the right place at the right time. Use that faith to your advantage.

Imagination, that is your creation.

Silver Lining

2011-03-25T23:45:00.004-04:00

I'm going to speak honestly for just a second here.

I'm glad that certain "negatives" exist in this world. Things like doubt, fear, uncertainty, anxiety, stress, pain, discomfort, loneliness, disagreements, misunderstandings, dishonesty, betrayal, heart break, and even death.

Before you write me off as a "blogger"...you know the type...goth makeup, black nail polish, alone in a darkened room with not but a lone candle lighting my journaling as I cry and flip my hair out of my face...rest assured. That is not me. Currently, I am sitting on my bed in my room in Knoxville, wearing pjs in a nicely lit atmosphere (watching Inglorious Basterds if that even matters; figured since it's such a kick-ass movie it was at least worth mentioning). I'm no "blogger." But let me explain.

I'm glad these bad things exist because it makes us truly appreciate the good. The good would not be good if we didn't know bad. Sugar would not taste as sweet were it not for the salts of the earth. It's the theory of the cloud with the silver lining.

We lost my Papaw yesterday. It was a death that was not sudden or unexpected. We had time to say good bye. We had time to prepare. I'm 22 and this is the first close family member I have lost. I really am blessed in that sense. How many people can't say that? And my Papaw is in heaven now. Pain free. Healthy again. Healthy and happy forever more. And in that fact, my family and I have found so much peace.

When life is lost you start thinking about the life that is still being lived. I know I have over the past couple of weeks. A couple of days ago, I was (habitually as of recent) thinking about what lies ahead for me. But during this self-inflicted stress session, I asked myself a question I had not asked myself before: What am I really living for?

What are any of us really living for? Think about it, don't just read it. What are any of us really living for? We are all spoiled rotten. Are you aware of this? We live in a beautiful world. We have money coming out our eyeballs (Even if you think you're broke, you're actually filthy rich. Congratulations). We have food, water, shelter, and medical care at our fingertips. We have indoor plumbing. We are living a life so utterly wonderful we often forget how utterly wonderful it really is. So what is life?

I am born. I learn to crawl. I learn to walk. I learn to talk. I learn how to use a toilet. I start school. I keep going to school for almost 20 years. I make friends. I date. I go to church. I do what I'm told. I follow the rules.

That is status-quo. That is typical.

We all are given one life. One chance to make the most of it. What holds us back from certain things? What keeps us from being the person we long to be? What keeps us from doing what we long to do? Most of the time, what holds us back is one of those pesky "negatives" as listed above.

But I'm glad for them because without them, what would we have to overcome? What we have to defeat? I don't really know what I'm going to think about my life when I look back on it when the end comes. All I can hope is two things: 1) that the end is far, far away from the now, and 2) that I will not feel defeated by one of those negatives.

Today, this blogger raises a glass to her Papaw. A man who put up an unbelievable fight. May I live a life that you would raise a glass to, too.

Mountains & Molehills (II)

2011-03-16T23:33:00.008-04:00

Last semester, I wrote a post entitled "Mountains & Molehills." Last semester I thought I was busy. Last semester I thought I had a lot going on. Last semester I thought my world was crazy. Now it's March, the middle of second semester, my last semester of college...and I was wrong. I had it easy last semester. I should have taken advantage of it. Every second of it.

But, as I've said before, you can't play "coulda, woulda, shoulda." You can't look back. You can't regret. It gets you no where.

But I should appreciate things more generally. Really. Because life is a fleeting thing and the good Lord only gives us one of them to live. We have one chance to fill this life with happiness, joy, love, knowledge, wisdom, and spirit. Fill it to the brim.

I guess I've been thinking a lot about life lately because someone I love is approaching the end of theirs. My papaw is dying...wow...I hate typing that. I hate thinking that. But...he is. He's dying. He's 82 years old. He's lived a good, long life. He's battled heart problems, Type II Diabetes, and cancer twice. Needless to say, his health has not always been the best. Now he is currently residing in a nursing home after spending almost a week and a half in the hospital. The doctors don't give him much time. I've heard it said that the death of an old man is not a tragedy. I know Papaw is going to a home in heaven where his heart will beat strongly and independently. He can eat all the cakes and pies he wants. He will be cancer free. He will be healthy, alive, and safe with his family and with his God. But losing him while the rest of us are still here...there lies the tragedy.

I love my family so much. Sure, we have our fighting times like everyone else. But I love them unconditionally. They are some of the most amazing people on the face of this planet. They are strong. They are brave. They know the answers. They are kind. They absolutely blow me away. I feel like whenever I'm faced with a challenge all I want to do is run away, sit and cry, or have someone else fix it for me. Like a child. In my family, I am the child. I'm the only child. But thank heavens I'm not the only grandchild. I went home over Spring Break to be with my family during this hard time and my cousins, uncle, and aunt drove all the way to Knoxville from Texas. They stayed with us for a few days at the end of the week and having them there was truly a God-send. My cousins and I have a special bond. They are really the closest things to siblings I have. We never get to see each other but when we do it's like no time has passed. When we're together, we're 8 years old again trying to find fun things to do, scheme away from the grown ups, and go have an adventure. This week was hard on all of us but sometimes it just took something small to lighten the mood. Like my cousin Ben putting two onion rings up to his face as if they were glasses. Or my cousin Paige sending me a text from across the room of a cat making a ridiculous face. We laughed. A lot. It was nice having them there.

This past week or so has been extremely hard on all of us. Papaw is still with us but it's just the fact that we all know what's coming that is really hurting us. I wanted to stay home with my family so badly. I wanted to be there to just pick up the slack. Do laundry, dishes, anything to help. So my parents wouldn't have to. It's not much but at least I would be there. But I came back to school. I'm on call. I have a bag packed. (And let me tell you, having to pack a bag with clothes in it that you know you'll be wearing to your grandfather's funeral is not fun.)

When I got back to school and started looking through my planner again, everything seemed so small. All these stresses that I considered to be mountains suddenly looked like molehills.

That 6-10 page paper will get written.
That play will get directed.
That monologue will get memorized.
That movie will get filmed.
It will all get done.

When you are faced with the true matters of life, the rest of your "problems" begin to seem very small. I'm thankful at this moment for the simple gifts of life...

Air in my lungs, food, a warm bed, a shower, music, nature, a college that proves that they really care, friends who go above and beyond for no reason except pure kindness, a family that is setting a brilliant example and strength and unity

For those of you who have been praying for my papaw and for my family, thank you. I have felt the love and support so much this past week. I can't express my appreciation enough.

Life is a gift, so don't waste today.

Cheap Trick

2011-03-03T14:32:00.003-05:00

This week, I've had to come face to face with some pretty pressing issues in my life.

I won't get into them all; honestly, I'm just plain sick of thinking about them.

But sick or no, these are things I do have to deal with at some point.

It's not that life is necessarily hard.

I've had a pretty good week.

Life is just life, you know?

It happens and it can't be stopped.

I think about the past and wonder how I got through it/got away with it.

I think about the present and wonder how I'm going to get through it/get away with it.

I think about the future and literally want to throw up. That's how scared I am.

I know it's foolish to be scared of the unknown.

The "unknown" holds many blessings, not just bad things.

I want very much to be excited about what's to come; and in a way, I am.

I guess I'm scared mostly about leaving things behind.

I've built a wonderful life for myself here in college.

I love my friends; I love my studies; I love the atmosphere.

It's my comfort bubble...and that bubble is going to pop very soon.

I decided to put off some of the post-college planning until post-college is upon me.

This is odd for me; I'm a planner.

I don't want to be slapped in the face; I don't want to be left in the dust.

Standing in the rain...alone...with nothing but a suitcase and a dream.

The problem is not figuring out what I want; I know what I want.

I want a lot of things.

But being an artist, it's not about what you want.

You have to be wanted in order to make your mark.

You have to impress; you have to be judged and pass the tests.

I guess that's true of any profession; any life path.

Unless you plan to be invisible or unsuccessful.

And who in their right mind plans for a life like that?

I'm not; that's certain.

I have the thoughts of, "Why have I spent my whole life in school?"

"Will I make it in the real world?"

"Isn't that what school is supposed to prepare me for?"

It just seems like a cheap, dirty trick.

So as I stand here contradictorily halting my plans yet yearning for all the world can offer, I shout, "I WANT YOU TO WANT ME!"

"Madly" being the operative word

2011-02-18T16:26:00.003-05:00

In my head, in my chest, in my stomach, in my legs, in my arms, in my fingers, in my toes, in my big, thumping heart...

I'm feeling the excitement
I'm feeling the stress.
I'm feeling the anticipation.
It's all coming.
Like a roaring freight train.
But I amazingly don't feel tied to the tracks.
That, in itself, is a very good feeling.

Classes are starting to really pick up. I earnestly thought that second semester of senior year would be a breeze, a piece of cake, a turkey shoot. I was wrong. But I'm glad I was wrong. Everything I'm learning, everything I'm gaining, everything I'm experiencing...I can feel it shaping me. It's weird and wonderful and I'm loving every minute of it.

Reading lots of Shakespeare,
Memorizing LOTS of Shakespeare,
Learning how to be a stage manager,
Trying to learn how to be a good stage manager,
Working with people,
Leading people,
Learning when to follow,
Doing things on my terms for the first time in...maybe ever.

Tomorrow, I shoot the first half of my student film project. I can't believe it's really happening. It feels like only yesterday that I wrote the script. That was a year ago. When we had our cast read-through a couple of weeks ago, I almost cried hearing the words, my words, brought to life. It hasn't been an easy road getting to the here and now. But most of the time, the best things are always the most difficult to achieve. The road to success is paved with many obstacles. But you deal. I have a great cast and a great crew behind me. I just want to shoot it. So bad. And I will. Tomorrow. Say a little prayer for me. We're starting at 8:30 AM. My idea, too. Goodness, what was I thinking? The bulk of your prayer can just be, "Dear Lord, help Melanie to WAKE UP!" because I guarantee you that will be the hardest part of my day.

-----------

You aren't always going to be able to hold it together.
Sometimes things just fall apart.
Get upset, it's okay.
Things turn out well in the end.
I don't know how; it's a mystery.
But it does.
Sometimes other people need to be kicked in the ass.
It's for their own good.
Just remember to kick them with love.
Never with anything else.
Ever.
And remember that you need yours kicked often, too.
It's for your own good.
For the good of the world, even if it's just your world.
And although sometimes the madness seems to halt all things,
Remember,
The world spins madly on.

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

22 Years, Plus One

2011-02-10T18:52:00.008-05:00

Today is my 22nd birthday.
Today is also the one year anniversary of this blog.

As hard as it is for me to believe that I am now a 22 year-old, it is even more mind-blowing when I think about the fact that I have had this blog for an entire year. What a year it has been! So much has happened. And thanks to this blog, I can look back on those memories a little more vividly.

I played "Beth March" in Little Women the Musical.
I went to New York City, saw celebrities, lost my purse, and miraculously got it back.
I went to Charleston, SC and fell in love.
I directed a one act play.
I wrote a short film (which I'll actually be filming very soon).
I wrote a feature length film script.
I read a BUNCH of romance novels and loved each and every one of them.
I lost two pets in one summer.
I took summer classes at a different school.
I was in a music video.
I was given the lead role in the fall production at school.
I got to see/hear Sutton Foster sing live.
I got bangs for the first time since I was 3.
I learned in many different ways that love can be lost and found and lost again and found again in the strangest places and when you least expect it.
I learned that disappointments don't always lead to an end.
I learned that love covers a multitude of sins.
That last one I should have known already.

I went back and read my very first entry. The description I gave of myself as a new 21 year-old wasn't really all that different than how I am today. There were a lot of things about today, my 22nd birthday, that were strikingly similar to my 21st. Such as it snowed. And we got a snow delay. Two years in a row on that precious gift from nature. I felt very blessed. But at the same time, too much has happened in my life in the past year for me to really feel "the same." I don't feel the same. I feel (this might sound obvious but) older. Wiser. A little more mature. But I don't feel any more "serious." If anything I think I've lightened up a bit since last year. And honestly a lot of that development has only occurred in the last couple of months. I'm still just as much a work in progress as I was a year ago. And I guarantee you that a year from now, I'll still be. But I'd rather be a work in progress than stagnant, boring, without care. I would only wish the same for anyone.

Since I've rambled on about me me me for this whole post, I'll contribute something a little more real to what I've made this blog about. I'm going to simply share something I scribbled down in my journal last night. All I'll say in conclusion to this celebration of the anniversary is that this blog has been a real blessing for me in the last year. It's really helped me. It's something I've cherished and hope to cherish for a long time. Readers or no. It's a nice outlet for pretty much any kind of day I'm having. I would encourage anyone to have an outlet of some sort. Bottle things up and you'll drive yourself mad. So why not put it on the Internet for the whole world to see, right? Ha...okay seriously I'm done talking now. Enjoy. And thanks for reading.

"TREASURE ISLAND

If you find a treasure chest on a deserted island, are you really a rich man? What good are gold, silver, and jewels if you have nothing to spend them on? Nowhere to spend it. No one to share it with.

A man may be worth more than all the world combined, but without the simple gifts...

Family
Friends
Home
Companionship
Joy
LOVE...

He is as poor as the penniless fool.

True treasure is rarely buried. It is usually right in front of our eyes. No map. No 'X' marks the spot...But it's there.

Don't miss the tide."

Noyv

2011-01-24T20:24:00.008-05:00

The theme of courage has presented itself on the little stage in my mind this week. So I'm going to talk about it.

If we have not bravery in our words and actions, what do we have?
Uncertainty.
Insecurity.
Fear.
Anxiety.
Worry.

We used to sing a song in my German class and it went a little something like this:
Ich bin der Barenjager.
Ich habe keine Angst.
The song went on (few songs are only 2 lines long), but it translates plainly to "I am the bear hunter. I have no fear." I imagine in my head a character that looks a lot like Elmer Fudd--tiptoeing through the woods, HUGE rifle in hand, on a determined hunt. But I gotta admit, if you were to put me in the middle of the woods, gave me a big gun and told me that there were bears about...I would be freak.ing..out. Bears are big and scary and dangerous and deadly and even though I think pictures of them catching fish in rivers are majestic and beautiful, you can bet your ass that you will NOT catch me near one of those things. And yet, in the song, the bear hunter has no fear.

It's important in life to sort out what is worth being afraid of and what is not. I know I have a lot of really dumb fears. Such as...
-Standing on step ladders
-Small confined spaces
-A dark house with lots of windows
-My church's basement
-The little girl from The Ring
-And many others I'm sure.
These things are not worth my fear. But, like the Cowardly Lion sings, "if I only had the noyvvv" I could face my fears. But I don't. I don't think I'll ever not get dizzy and freak out when you put me up on a ladder and I don't think I'll ever go down in my church's basement alone. These fears really have no consequence for me...so why face them? Right? If no one is getting hurt or deterred by my silly little fears, why mess with them?

But when you take a step back at look at the big picture, there are lots of things (bigger things) that I am absolutely terrified of that I am having to face in my day to day. You guys are aware of these fears because I've talked about them before. Things like moving away, graduating from college, becoming a responsible adult, being single forever, and living in a cardboard box. I feel that is just the tip of the iceberg. But like the great Van Wilder stated, "Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere." As a second semester senior, there is absolutely no point in sitting around worrying about what is down the road for me in just a few short months. Until then I have a lot to focus on. But unlike my insignificant fears, these biggies are not without consequence should I ignore them.

No one is ever going to force me to stay in a small, confined space for any length of time (I hope). The creepy little girl from The Ring is not real (I double hope). If I ever own a home, I will buy plenty of nightlights and pretty curtains. But I will have to graduate. I will have to learn to live on my own. It's not just a fear. It's a reality.

So I make a choice. Be courageous. Don't let your knees shake. Don't let your palms sweat. If you feel upset, get upset. You don't have to apologize for getting upset. You are human. But find the hope. Find the peace and the clarity. Because it's there. The big bears in life may be scary but you can be the brave bear hunter with your powerful weapons. Weapons like optimism and priorities and friendship. Weapons like love. In cases like this, love can be the most powerful weapon of all. Love is like a grenade. Love is napalm. Wow, I never thought I'd utter that statement and mean it positively.. hm.

Baby steps, though. I'm not graduating tomorrow, after all. So while I wait for not-so-dooms day, I want to have noyv in smaller, newer ways.

I sense a hairstyle change coming on.

Tight Rope Walker

2011-01-15T10:53:00.004-05:00

I have always had a secret admiration for people who are ballsy, people who aren't afraid to say exactly what they're thinking. Having that kind of courage positively blows me away because I've never really considered myself courageous in that sense. I mean, no, I don't lie to myself or make valiant efforts to hide things from others. But I've found that I usually will either preface things I say so that people don't take them the wrong way or else I apologize afterwards. I have serious issues it seems with just letting the people around me take what I say as they will.

Why is that?
What's holding me back?
Why be afraid of something dumb like that?

I don't think I'm alone in my constant struggle with wondering how people see me/what they really think about me. I keep waiting to grow out of that but it never really seems to happen. And what's worse is just the fact that I know that it's stupid and yet I continue living my life this way. I feel like there should be some kind of AA-esque type of meetings for crazies like me. "Hi, my name is Melanie and I'm obsessed with self-image."

Hi, Melanie...

I might sound vain saying that. I might sound conceded. But in saying THAT, it just proves my point even more. I don't want to come across as those things. That matters to me. Why? Why can't I just say it and not feel the need to justify it? Isn't that infuriating?? It is to me. I guess it just boils down to this...that's just part of who I am. I may care too much, but I care and that's the point. I care about what I say to people. I don't want to offend or hurt. I care about what I do. I don't want to slip into bad habits or hurt myself. I care about how I appear to others because I want to set a good example.

But as strongly as I feel about trying to be "good," I also want to be true. I want to be honest. Life in the every day is not always happy. I'm not always going to think of the glass as half full. I'm not always going to want to smile and laugh about it. Sometimes I'm going to want to scream and throw fits and cry and cuss and cuss and cuss some more! And that's not wrong. It's just honest. We all have days like that. So I gotta find a medium.

It's almost like a walking a long tight rope. In order to stay balanced, I have 1,001 things to consider: what others think, will feelings be hurt, will someone be offended by the truth, does my opinion count for much, should I just shut up, what do I think of myself, what will God think of me if I do/say this, is this right, is this wrong, does it even matter at all...

This will tag on to my previous post about New Year's resolutions. Here's a new one. And for me, it's kind of a biggie...

Live life unapologetically.

I still want to set some kind of a good example (1 Tim. 4:12). I still want to strive for excellence in what I say and do. I'm not the kind of Christian that wants perfection. I'm the kind of person who wants peace. I serve a God who loves, who forgives, and who yearns for a family who wants those things, too...deeply. So this year, I'm going to try really hard to stop prefacing. Stop apologizing. And just start living. Honestly. And happily.

There are folks out there who steal. There are people who kill. There are people who are addicts. There are people who lie and cheat. There are people who hate. And you can bet your bottom dollar they aren't worried about offending anyone else. They aren't saying, "I'm sorry" to the people they hurt in the process. It's a sad truth. I, in no way, want to take a step in THAT direction. Those people are headed toward darkness with their lack of sympathy. I want to head for the light.

Love unapologetically.
Forgive unapologetically.
Enjoy the good things unapologetically.
Learn and teach unapologetically.
Support unapologetically.
Comfort unapologetically.
Speak unapologetically, Melanie.

Set the example. Raise the bar. The only thing holding you back is you. God elevates. So let's lift each other up, too. Love does NOT mean never having to say your sorry. But love heals. Love provides. And that is such a blessing, it's almost...almost too good to be true.

Resolutions

2010-12-31T16:15:00.004-05:00

As we roll into another new year, I, like most everyone else on the planet, am trying to make a list in my head of all the resolutions I would like to make. Such as...

Start flossing. I mean, not just right before the biannual trip to the dentist. But a habitual, every day occurrence. Don't judge me. Like you floss. Please.

Stop drinking soda. I've made this resolution every single year. It never holds up. So this year I've decided to give myself a little leeway. No more soda EXCEPT Diet Mt. Dew. Everyone has their vices. And Diet Dew is mine. 2011 will not be without it.

Complete my second movie list. 40 movies. I can do that. I've done that.

Learn how to properly budget my dollars. I've been called a frugal before. I'm not worried about accidentally spending every dime I have or winding up eyeball-deep in credit card debt. But I want to learn how to be an adult and learn how to budget.

By the end of 2011, I want what I am henceforth referring to as "My Own." I want my own walls, my own mail, my own bed, my own sheets and pillows on that bed, my own gas in my own car, my own view from my own window. So what if I'm renting? So what if I got help getting there? I want to end 2011 with a whole bunch of "my owns."

And graduate college. And that's all I have to say about that.

I had a very interesting and all-in-all very satisfying 2010. It's very nice to have this blog. I can look back on so much this way. But 2011 will be different. Bigger. My life will change in 2011. Because I will graduate. I will move out of my parents' house. I will have to find a real job. I will have to pay my own bills. I will be on my own. It's scary as hell but I am very excited. May the Lord bless me and keep me. Gosh, am I allowed to say that to myself? I guess at times in life such as this, it's allowed in His eyes. I'd say He gets a nice chuckle because of me on multiple occasions. Here I am, freaking out, worrying, being me. And He has everything under control, much to my forgetfulness. I would be chuckling, too. It's part of why I love Him so much.

Here's to 2010. The smiles. The tears. The loves. The pain. The lessons learned. And here's to 2011. May the next chapter be one of equal richness and greater maturity. Happy new year, everyone. May all your resolutions, big or small, be realized. I am thinking of you tonight as the clock strikes twelve.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?

We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

Christmas Blog 2010

2010-12-24T18:21:00.004-05:00

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play.
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of Peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how as the day had come
The belfries of all Christendom
Had roll'd along th' unbroken song
Of Peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair, I bow'd my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song,
Of Peace on earth, good will to men."

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound the carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearthstones of a continent,
And made forlorn, the households born
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep;
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With Peace on earth, good will to men."

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Though another year has come and gone, God is still as ever present as He was, is, and will forever be. Though we go through good times, bad times, and even worse times, the bells of Christmas will forever ring as God's promise. He sent His own son to Earth, born to a virgin and in a manger, all those years ago. And these Christmas bells annually remind us that He is coming again.

Whatever you believe in this Christmas, it is my prayer that the season finds you merry.

Luke 2:13-14, "And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"

Life Imitating Art

2010-12-14T22:49:00.003-05:00

I recently applied for a few jobs in hopes of making some extra cash over Christmas break. I applied to several different places but in all honesty I'm probably not going to get hired by any of them. I mean, if you were a retail store would YOU want to hire a 21 year old college student with no retail experience for only about 3 weeks during the busiest time of the year? Yeah, I don't think so. It's no biggie. I understand their plight completely. I wouldn't want to do that either. But in this whole process of job hunting, I started thinking about my profession. I love acting. I earnestly believe it's what I was put on this Earth to do. I feel the most at home and the most happy when I'm on stage or even just in front of an audience. Performing is my passion. I love it. And I am a firm believer that what a person's passions are defines them. Even Jesus said that where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. When Jesus spoke those words, He meant them in the context of being very careful where you place your heart; be picky about what you devote your time, your life to. But if God calls you to a passion, I say place your heart in it as much as you can. For where God calls you, there HE is also.

If life imitates art, what kind of life does the actor build?

I think that's why I'm such a people pleaser. When I'm on stage, I'm under total scrutiny. If I flub a line, the audience might not know...but then again they might totally know. If I break character, chances are they'll definitely know. And they laugh, sometimes not with you. I'm simply accustomed to being in the spotlight in the sense that everyone is paying attention to the things I do and say. But that is NOT how things are in the real world. The stage and reality are really far apart, no matter how much you want to debate me on that. If I flub a line or break "character" in real life, no one is probably going to know except me. But I've never looked at it that way. My friends and family are well aware that I wear my heart of my sleeve, that my face might as well be made of glass; the transparency of my emotions is utterly overwhelming. I've always brought that element of understanding of seemingly constant judgement into my reality. And sometimes I get my heart broken that way. Sometimes I embarrass myself that way. And worse, sometimes I hurt others this way. And that's the part I hate the most I think.

In a story told on stage or screen, there are usually 3 acts: the introduction/exposition; the rise of action or conflict; and the fall of action and the resolution. That's the key word right there: resolution. I sometimes feel like I'm sitting around waiting for answers that I'm sure are coming. Soon. Like old fairy tales, if the Big Bad Wolf eats Grandma then the Big Bad Wolf is going to meet his end. It's not even a question. Not to sound like a cynic, but in reality Big Bad Wolves eat Grandma's everyday for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (not literally... I mean, I guess this could be literal somewhere out there although I sure do hope not). What I mean is, the villains in life don't always get what they deserve. And what's worse is that often times the heroes don't reap the benefits of their good deeds either. Very little resolution lies out there for the taking. Gosh this post has slowly taken a turn for the depressing. How did that happen? I'm serious. I mean you kind readers no sadness. Gee whiz. Let me just get to my point...

My point IS that nothing in life ever happens like you expect. People might not care about what you say or how you say it or choices you make. Maybe the ones you want to care don't and the ones you don't want to care do. You might do something great and get ignored or cut down. You might do something really nasty and get rewarded. But life will never deal you the cards you expect or the cards you think you want.

But life will always deal you the cards you need.
This might be blasphemous, but God is the dealer.
And if that's the case, I'm going all in.

I'm kind of glad to be an actor, really. Escapism is a very precious gift. It's nice to live in a world where resolution and approval run free and happy. Even if it's only for a couple of hours a night in rehearsal. And I don't act to escape (all the time). No. I act for you. Because life, whether it is imitating art or not, is hard. And I want to be here to be the one who turns that frown of yours upside down. I hope I can succeed.

Did I bounce back from the depressing stuff? I hope so.