believing in june

Struggling

2012-02-15T21:11:00.002-05:00

I. am. struggling. This secondary IF thing is way harder than I
thought it would be. When I was pregnant with Piper, I thought about
having more kids, but mostly I just took my pregnancy day by day.
Enjoying each and every little thing about it. After she was born, it
was bliss... Until the exhaustion kicked in. And exhaustion doesn't
even begin to describe how tired I was. Everyone said to nap while
the baby napped, but because we kept her around noise during the day
(to straighten out her days and nights), it was too loud for me to
sleep. During weeks 1-4 of Piper's life I told my own mother near
daily that I was one and done. And, to be honest, I kind of meant it.
My baby slept 8 hours in a row and I was still exhausted! Turns out
that having a csection and taking care of a newborn is just not that
easy on your body.

I didn't really think too much about TTC during Piper's first four to
five months. She was our preciously perfect little girl and I was
completely content. Plus, I knew that I wanted to pump for her until
she was six months old and since doing so kept AF at bay, we couldn't
TTC. When I start weaning her at 6 months, I wanted more kids but
that burning desire to be pregnant wasn't really there. Then came
Christmastime, and something about being around my newest nephew sent
me into severe pregnancy/baby lust. And when we had our appointment
with our RE and they said my fertility won't be around forever, the
burning desire that had been absent for so long, came rushing back,
stronger than ever.

Now, I need to be honest, when I was TTC prior to Piper, I often
skipped over blogs or boards talking about secondary IF. I just
didn't want to read about people who had kids wanting more kids. And,
now, I totally get it. I have this wonderful little girl and I love
being her mom more than I could possibly express. And, I want more.
I want to do this again. I want Piper to have siblings with whom to
share this life. And this ache for more babies and for a swelling
belly again has reopened all of my IF emotions. I want a belly of my
own so badly. I want positive pregnancy tests and ultrasounds and
doctor's appointments. My friends' joy over their own pregnancies and
coming babies has started to hurt again. I want to join them. SO.
BADLY.

Speaking of wanting to join them, we had our IUI on Monday and it was
textbook. On saturday the doc counted three mature follicles and one
or two lagging just slightly behind. My e2 was 817, so I'm thinking
it was probably four mature. I triggered late on saturday and went in
for my IUI yesterday at 11:00. Between the frozen and fresh
specimens, we had 14 million motile spe.rm!!! That's more than double
our previous highest count for IUI. And it's our highest egg count
for IUI to date, as well. So, we're excited. And hopeful. And
nervous as all get out. I want this to work. I want to have a fall
baby. I want to be able to avoid having to do IVF again. MBL and I
would love to use that $12,000 for other things, like paying off my
school loans! I feel so selfish for wanting something so simple as
IUI to work for us on only our third month officially TTC (for #2),
but I want it so badly. So, I'm praying that when I start peeing on
sticks in approximately 10 days, they come up with two beautifully
pink lines!!

How did y'all spend V-day? MBL and I picked up Thai food and watched Bu.rn Noti.ce. It was perfect!

awkwardness averted!

2012-02-09T20:59:00.007-05:00

(source)

Our "confrontation" appointment was yesterday at 8:10 and I am happy to say it went well. I was so nervous about the appointment; nervous about what to say and how to say it. MBL asked if I wanted to take lead on what to say and I thought I was going to be fine doing so, but then something I didn't foresee happened and I was left basically speechless. When the doc came in for our consult, he brought the nurse from our IUI with him. Now, keep in mind, he had no idea why we were there. I merely made the appointment as a follow up to our IUI and that's all I said to both the scheduler and the nurse. So, when he walked in with the nurse, he had no idea how awkward it made the whole situation. And, neither did MBL. All he said was this is C, she is a new nurse here, so I've asked her to observe our consult. MBL took lead on the conversation as I silently tried to figure out how to appropriately phrase our concerns/issues without making the nurse feel super awkward. Thankfully, MBL is really good with people and was able to address our concerns with the spe.rm fiasco in a tactful manner. He reminded the doc that we pay out of pocket for everything and that we had made it clear to both the lab and the nurses that we were concerned about his count. He told him that we wouldn't have wanted to go through with the IUI had we known that the total count was only 1.5. At that point the doc asked if I had verified the total count and my husband's name/birth date before the actual IUI. I told him I had. I'm not sure if he was trying to say that we could have backed out at that point and, to be honest, I was a little peeved that he was trying to insinuate that. BUT, he didn't say anything else regarding that, so I didn't have to get all defensive.

Then came the point where MBL brought up the actual IUI and I realized I was going to have to say something. He kept saying, "I guess there was a new nurse" and, finally, C (the new nurse) spoke up and told him that it was she that did my IUI. I explained that I understand that everyone has to learn somehow, but that the IUI was really painful and I did express that to both nurses. I did not say this in our meeting, but I do not blame the new nurse, I really feel like the "supervising" nurse should have stepped in and taken over. Thankfully, the new nurse handled it very well and didn't make the situation any more awkward than it already was. I never wanted to confront her and I felt bad that she was (very likely) surprised by our meeting. Poor girl.

That being said, the doc made the whole meeting as comfortable as humanly possible. He agreed that 1.5 million was not a good count and went on to say that he wants to run another SA on MBL and make sure that we have good swimmers with which to work. He said that he would have the lab do the analysis and then freeze the sample at no cost to us. He said we could combine that sample with a fresh one for our IUI. He also, without any prompting from us, said that they would do our IUI at no cost as well. The doc didn't let his ego rule the meeting and handled the whole situation so well. We are thankful that the doc was willing to listen to us and was more generous in our "compensation" than we were expecting.

On a side note... MBL asked the new nurse why she looked familiar and she explained that she used to work at the other RE's office (we went there for our ultrasounds/blood work during our last IVF). After the meeting was over and MBL and I were alone, I realized that the reason the nurse looked so familiar was that she was the one who always drew my blood at that office. And she could NEVER find the vein in my arm and would always have to draw from my hand. It was so painful and I was so glad when I was done going there for lab draws! It was pretty funny to realize that my only experiences with that nurse have been negative! (although, to be fair, she was always very sweet...just not very good at her job). **In case you're curious about what I said about her previously, you can read about it here.

While we were there, we got in my ultrasound and saw that there were at least 5 follies developing. They were all between 11-13mm. I have another ultrasound scheduled for Saturday to see how things have developed and I'm really hoping that all five are still growing. I want MBL's swimmers to have as many targets as possible! Now, normally, a cycle is cancelled when there are more than 3 follicles, but I doubt they'll cancel me as I have SIX failed IUIs in my history.

In all likelihood, we will have our IUI on Monday. It's the day before Valentine's and I would just love to get a belated gift of a BFP!!! I'm trying not to get too hopeful, but, if I'm being honest, I am REALLY hoping that it works. I am praying for stellar counts, five mature eggs, and one (or two) take home babies. It would just be so amazing to be able to skip the whole IVF drama...

Speaking of Valentine's Day, do you have anything fun planned? And, what kind of gift are you hoping to receive (chocolate? wine? extra sleep?)?

confrontation

2012-02-05T19:35:00.004-05:00

(source)

Ok, so I hate confrontation. I've spent a lot of my life avoiding it. I hate it when people get upset or angry and I usually do what I can to not cause waves. In the last two years, however, that has changed and I have become more of an advocate for myself. MBL and I sought a new RE when our local one tried to push donor eggs on me at 23! I went to a new OB when my old one wouldn't listen to my concerns. I walked away from a volunteer position when it was clear I was never going to do things right in the eyes of the Director. I'm very clearly willing to walk away from unhealthy situations. So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, MBL and I have an appointment on Wednesday with the local RE to discuss the mess that was our last IUI.

If you don't want to go back and read, basically we had to freeze MBL's sample because he had to be out of the COUNTRY for work. He had a great pre-freeze count of 96 million! When it came time for our IUI, however, somehow the sample had dropped to 1.5 million. On top of that, the nurse who was supposed to do the IUI let the new nurse do it WITHOUT asking my permission. It was awkward and painful. I spotted for the first time EVER after an IUI and I think a lot of it had to do with having the new nurse doing it. She struggled to get the speculum in and I sat there for literal MINUTES thinking she had the catheter in for the actually IUI, when in actuality, she was still doing something with the speculum! And I seriously think she cranked that thing as wide as it would go! OUCH!!!! For the record, I am ALL about helping medical professionals by being a "guinea pig" of sorts. I've allowed more than one new tech to do my TV ultrasounds because they have to learn somehow, right? BUT, I was always asked prior to them doing it. In this case, had I been asked, I would have said "no". I had just found out that my husband's sample had dropped an astounding 98.5% and I was all by myself. I wanted the procedure to be as pain-free and relaxing as possible. Instead, I got a nurse who had no idea what she was doing and ended up causing me quite a bit of pain. I even tried to say something about how much it was hurting and all the "supervising" nurse said was, "You're doing great, hon." AGH!!

So, on Wednesday I have to go into the RE's office and ask if they will cover this month's IUI. And I have no idea how to achieve that. I want to be polite, but forceful. Is that even possible? I really feel like they are responsible for a large part of it going "wrong". I mean, something had to have happened for MBL's count to have dropped so dramatically. I should have been called about that and I really should have been asked if I was okay with a new nurse doing the IUI (did I mention she could barely even get the speculum in?). The whole thing just leaves me with an icky feeling.

Do any of you have pointers on what to say? Words of encouragement? Any experience asking for such a thing? I'm looking for all the help I can get with this :).

almost? kind of?

2012-02-01T20:31:00.003-05:00

I've been mulling over this post for a while, not sure if I even wanted to write it. I guess I've been struggling with what to write and even how I feel about everything. Last week was weird. Way weird and I'm glad it's over. I guess it's time to just talk about it. At 9dpo I took a FRER to see the status of my trigger and it was a stark white negative. I took another one in the morning on 10dpo, another negative. BUT, I was "feeling" pregnant. My ute felt full and I just kind of felt a little weird. So, I tested again on the evening of 10dpo (the same time I got my BFP for Piper) and I saw a line? It was there, but not very dark. I decided to test again in the morning and I was pleasantly surprised by a line! It was light, but came up right away and even MBL saw it. I decided to hold back on my heavy training for the 25k and wait it out. I tested again that evening and the line was still there, but not as dark. To make a long story short, by Sunday (13dpo) the line had vanished and I just knew that AF was on her way. I had two days of lines and then it was over. And, it just so happened that during this time one of my very dearest college friends called me in hysterics because on her first month off birth control, she got pregnant.

So, as you can see, it was all very weird. Two (long) days of wondering if the line was going to turn into something more and feeling like I was kind of pregnant, but not really. So, does that make it an almost? And then talking with a friend who was happy, but quite shocked to be pregnant so fast. I was honored that she called me first (before her sisters or her husband), but it was weird to be so excited for her and, yet, so confused for myself. After lots of time spent thinking about it, I decided I was thankful for the confusion brought on my those light, pink lines. I'm assuming that what I experienced was a chemical and that means that egg and sp.erm actually met. With only 1.5 million swimmers and nothing else, it's pretty impressive that anything happened. The last time I had a chemical (july 2010), we got pregnant on our next cycle via IVF, so I'm hoping we'll have the same luck this time. Only, this time, we will be going for IUI with clo.mid plus injects and doing plenty of BDing in the meantime. This is our last cycle with our local RE before we head into IVF in April/May. I would LOVE to avoid having to fork over $10,000 for IVF and instead get pregnant from a $700 IUI. A girl can dream, right?

Today is cycle day 3 and I started my clo.mid (100mg). On day 7 I will begin injects and we will likely be ready for IUI between the 11th-13th. The good news is that at my baseline ultrasound my antral count was 21! No, not all of those follicles will develop, but 21 is WAY better than the 11 my other RE saw in December. I'm hoping for 3-5 follicles by day 11. And I just hope that MBL has a stellar count to accompany all those targets :)! I guess we'll find out soon enough!

just trying to plan a(n) (infertile) life...

2012-01-25T22:10:00.003-05:00

I am stuck in a bit of bind. I am trying to plan my life for the next few months and I'm finding it kind of difficult. If it weren't for this whole TTC/IF/ART thing, it wouldn't be so hard, but because I need to either be near my RE or near my husband for at least one week out of the month, planning trips to visit friends and planning our vacation with my parents is turning out to be a bit tricky. If we had average fertility, I would just have to worry about being around MBL a few days a month.

For starters, I am planning on visiting a good friend in the DC area in March. When I was looking at plane tickets and the ideal time to go, I had to pull out my calendar and try to figure out where I would be in my cycle. Because we're doing IUI with clo.mid/injectables next month, I don't necessarily know what March will look like. And, I work every third weekend. If we decide to throw caution to the wind and go for IUI with injects/clo.mid again in March, then I would need to be near the RE for regular follicle ultrasounds. So, how can I make this work? Deciding it all is making my head spin and my heart hurt. I just want this to be easy.

The next debacle is two fold. I am signed up to run a 25k (15.5miles) in May. I have run this race twice before and this time I am registered to run it with my sister. I want to participate in the race, but I also hope to already be pregnant by that point. If I am not pregnant, however, that means we will also be ramping up for IVF #3 (#1 for baby #2). Our plan has been to do IVF again in May, if I did not get pregnant before then. The race takes place on May 12th. With the way my cycle has been going, I would be on anywhere between cycle day 8-12. If I am on injectables, will my RE let me run? Would I want to take that risk? GAH! If we postpone it and do it in June, then we run into the conflict of a planned trip with my parents. We are visiting this place:

I guess I should just hope that I get pregnant from IUI and don't even have to worry about the whole IVF drama again!

Have you ever run into problems planning trips or other events due to where you are in your cycle? Or due to IF treatment? How did you handle it?

growing through infertility

2012-01-22T13:22:00.003-05:00

**Disclaimer: the post below is probably one of the most honest I have ever written here, but I felt like I needed to say it and share my experience. Really I just want people to open their minds and hearts to compassion for others. I love comments, but please be nice :). Thanks for reading!**

I've been stewing over this post for quite some time now. The journey towards writing it really started back in October/November when I had an awkward conversation with a woman in my small group. That conversation led me to the realization that there is so much I have gained from infertility for which I am thankful. And, while I was angry and hurt by this woman's words, I realized that she is not alone in her opinions and that really saddens me. From the outside, I could totally envy her life. She has four beautiful, easily conceived girls and lives in a beautiful house with a finished basement. She has a good heart and I truly believe she does her best to be a good wife/mother/friend. So, then, what beef do I have with her? Basically, it's one I'm beginning to have with a lot of people and it's the idea that we are entitled to our beautiful lives and healthy children and that somehow those who do not have those things are not deserving of them. And, you want to know the truth? Prior to going through infertility, I felt the same way. I felt completely entitled to my wonderful life with my handsome husband. I felt like I deserved my home, my wealth, and my middle class status. I looked at people who struggled and judged them... Thinking that somehow they were doing something wrong. I hate that I felt that way and writing that just now took my breath away.

I am not proud of who I was. I am not proud of the fact that I lacked compassion for others and judged people for their decisions. Prior to going through infertility, I definitely wondered why people ever went through IUI/IVF to get pregnant... Shouldn't they "just" adopt? Shouldn't they consider living child-free? Shouldn't they think about why they are infertile? Writing that down puts a knot in my stomach. I. just. didn't. get. it.

The sad thing is I know some people still feel that way. Good people who should have compassion on others and their situation. The woman I mentioned above basically told me that although God called her to have a fourth baby, she doesn't think he called me to go through IVF. So. hurtful.

I look at her seemingly perfect life and then back at my chaotic, challenging one and I wouldn't trade places with her for the world. The grass is not greener on the other side. I will never say that I am glad I went through infertility, but I will say that I am glad I was able to learn and grow from the experience. It changed me in ways I am still realizing. I have changed my outlook on people who suffer because of it and I have changed my outlook on life. On days when I want to complain about my ten hour work days (and working weekends), I instead take pause and lift up words of thanks for the job that I have. When I come across the story of someone who is suffering deeply, I no longer assume that they did something to deserve their situation, instead my heart aches for them. I have cried so much in last year for other people and I am thankful for that. Just last week I was innocently browsing Pin.terest when I came across a story of a woman who had twins, but lost one at 8 days old to a rare genetic disorder and all I could do was cry. Cry for the unfairness of it all. Cry for the pain of losing a child. I cried because my eyes have been open to the pain of others and I can no longer sit around taking my life for granted. I no longer act as if I somehow deserve the life I've been given. I can no longer pretend that I am somehow entitled to all of this. And I do my darndest to open my heart to compassion rather than judgment.

In light of this I have a plea, one that relates directly to the ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) community (because this is, after all, an infertility blog): Instead of either silently or verbally judging those of us going through the pain of infertility, take a moment to actually listen to our stories and our struggles. Do not assume that if you were in our shoes you would somehow pick a different path, because until you have been here you do not really know what road you would take. Please refrain from telling us that "God gave us infertility" or that we should "just adopt" or that "God knows best". Maybe those are truths, but please do not force them down our throats, let us come to our own conclusions. Just listen to us. And, if you feel the need to say something, choose your words wisely. You don't have to have all the answers. Sometimes all I wanted to hear from family/friends was a simple, "I'm sorry you're going through this. I have no idea what it's like, but I'm always here to listen." Or just tell us that it sucks and that you hope some day we have our happy ending (instead of trying to declare to us what our happy ending should be). And if, for some reason, you are unable to offer kind words of support, love, and compassion, please do not say anything at all. Silence is better than judgment, no matter how well intentioned it may be.

Act more compassionate and less entitled, it's that simple.

What has been the hardest thing someone has said to you on your journey? What would you have liked them to say?

it's that time!

2012-01-21T14:40:00.004-05:00

It's ICLW time once again! I have participated a number of times, but I am particularly excited this month because I actually have the time to post and to read/comment on other blogs. I really feel the need to get introduced to some new blogs and also to increase the number of posts I put out on a monthly basis, so this should really help with that.

If you're here for the first time: Welcome! If you're a regular visitor, I'm glad to have you back :). I don't want to rehash my whole IF/TTC timeline here, but there are some "highlights" I'd like to share. My hubby (MBL) and I have been happily married for a little over three years. We were TTC that entire time and got pregnant on our 21st month after IVF #2. I was extraordinarily lucky and had a (mostly) easy pregnancy followed by a surprise C-section (due to our DD being breech). Our daughter, Piper, is almost 8 months old and we are back at it trying to conceive #2. We had our first IUI on Monday and are now in the TWW. I'm not too hopeful as our post freeze/thaw/wash count was only 1.5 million, but I had three good eggies, so I guess anything is possible! I am 26 and MBL is going to be 35. Our original diagnosis was male factor (low count and morphology), but his last analysis yielded 96 million motile swimmers! After our two IVFs, we think there *may* be an issue with my eggs... My AMH is on the low end of normal and my most recent antral follicle count (AFC) came in at 11 when it was 26 a year and a half ago. We are hopeful that we will be able to conceive again, but our doc has told us we shouldn't waste time. We are going to try one more IUI and then try on our own until May/June at which point we will do IVF again.

To be honest, we want 2-3 more children. I hate writing that because it feels so greedy, but that's the truth. I used to say that if it took IVF to get pregnant again, then we would stop at two, but I've changed my tune. My daughter is just the absolute light of my life and I cannot wait to do this whole thing all over again (and again and again).

Come back tomorrow for a post all about what IF has given me and why some people just irk the crap out of me!

excited...and then, not so much.

2012-01-16T21:13:00.002-05:00

We had IUI #1 for baby #2 today. Totally weird being back in the stirrups hearing the same ole schpeel again. It should have been a good day. One of relaxation and optimism, but it didn't turn out that way.

For starters, we had to wing this cycle as MBL was going to be out of town for work. Not too big of a problem (so we thought) as there was the option of freezing sp.erm and still using it for IUI. I was not too pleased with the fact that he was going to be gone during my "prime" week, but figured it would all work out.

I took Clo.mid (5omg) cycle days 3-7 in hopes that we would be able to do a fresh IUI before MBL left for work. We had our consult with the local RE on Friday and were SHOCKED at the results. I already knew that I was going to convince him to do an IUI this month as I had already taken the clo.mid. It wasn't hard to do. He got me in for an ultrasound during our consult and took a look at what the clo.mid had done. I thought for sure that I was going to see zero follicles as I was beginning to believe that my fertility was total crap (besides the fact that my ovaries had been aching for several days). As it turns out I responded quite well to the clo.mid and had THREE follies developing. On only 50mg!!! The doctor was as shocked as I was and said that was quite the unexpected (in a good way) result. I was geeked.

Next, they took MBL back to get a sample for the actual IUI as my follies were not ready for an IUI on Saturday. So, we were going to have to do an IUI Monday (today) with frozen spe.rm. We asked the lab to call us with the number as MBL wanted to give another sample if his first was not as high as we wanted. I got the call while I was at a friend's house and I was SHOCKED to hear the nurse say that his total motile count was 95 million. That's seriously at least THREE times higher than it has ever been! We were geeked out of our minds. I have three good looking follies, he has a bajillion spe.rm, this cycle was going to rock!

Fast forward to today, I drop Piper off at daycare and then head to the clinic for the IUI. Due to the fact that MBL is out of town and we did not BD before that (due to him still being sore from the surgery on 12/30), this was literally our only chance at getting preggo this month. I was expecting to hear that the count had decreased, but was devastated to hear that after thawing and washing it, we had only 1.5 million motile spe.rm in the sample. WTHECK???!!!! And I had to deal with this all by myself. Awesome. I asked the nurse about it and she was just like, "Oh yeah, that is a huge decrease. We usually see a loss of 50%, but that is a lot... Now can you sign this paper?" Gah. I told her I wanted her to check with the lab and see what went wrong. I can understand a sample losing some of it's potency, but 98.5% of it????? We have NEVER had an IUI with that low of a count (and none of our other IUIs worked). I decided not to cry and instead just laid back and tried to remain calm. There was a new nurse training today, so I got the pleasure of not only hearing awful news, but having my IUI take approximately 5 times longer than it should have.

I told MBL that there is still a chance (albeit quite small) that everything will work out and we will get pregnant from this disaster of a month. What we have going for us is that I did have 3 follies and we were able to "try" even though he was out of town. The downside is that we just spent $600 on a crapshoot.

I was thankful that we got a chance to talk after the IUI went down because I needed to be able to process the whole situation with him. Basically, he is going to talk to his future boss and let him in on the fact that all his traveling is costing us money (MBL is fulfilling a role that would give us a nice salary increase, BUT he is not yet being compensated for it). I've had a beef with the fact that his work is sending him across the globe every one to two months for a week or so at a time WITHOUT giving him a raise, for months now, but MBL is finally getting as fed up as I am with it. Especially because we have the baby (#2) itch.

So, along with MBL talking with his superior, I am also planning on talking with the RE at the local clinic about what went down with this cycle. I did some googling this evening and while it seems normal for a sample to lose quite a bit after freezing, thawing, and washing... Getting down to only 1.5 million is NOT normal. Basically, I feel like losing 98.5% of a sample is a big enough deal that they should have called me to see if I still wanted to go through with the cycle. We would have lost out on TTC this month and $300, but I wouldn't have had to spend $300 more on crappy odds. I fully intend on insisting the RE cover our next IUI. No, it's not his fault that MBL was out of town this month, but it is his responsibility to make sure that we aren't allowed to go through with a cycle that was a waste of time and $$$. (all of that makes it sound like I'm being a real negative nancy about this cycle, but, in all reality, I wouldn't be that shocked if I got a BFP from this insane situation). I just want the clinic to own up to the fact that, in all likelihood, someone messed up. And, hopefully, MBL is able to get his work to understand that he needs to start being compensated for his time asap.

I guess this means I'm officially in my first real two week wait post Piper... Woo hoo?!

exhaling...

2012-01-11T20:36:00.002-05:00

A week and one day after my blood draw, the doc finally called with my AMH results. I was starting to work myself up, so I was really thankful that they called towards the end of the work day today like they promised. The good news is that it is 1.0. Normal is 1.0-3.0. Slightly low normal is 0.7-0.9. My AMH in July 2010 was 0.9. Basically, my fertility is stable at this point, which is a HUGE relief! The nurse said we shouldn't wait around years to try again, but we will likely be able to get pregnant again. I told her we were planning on a May cycle and asked her to check with the doc on what protocol he would use. So...that's where we are with our journey to #2 and IVF.

I finished up my clo.mid for this month and now we are just waiting for our appointment on Friday. I'm assuming the doc will let us do a fresh IUI on Saturday after confirming that my follicles are ready via ultrasound. And I'm sure they are. I only took 50mg of clo.mid, but I'm fairly certain that I have two follies growing and ready for release! I'm training for a 25k and I was unable to do much this evening because my ovaries are so achey. It's confirmed my inclincation to only do this one IUI before doing IVF in May. I'm just not interested in continually having to sideline my training at a 5-15% chance that we'll get pregnant via IUI. And clo.mid is a nasty lady. Mood swings, hot flashes, swollen ovaries, headaches... YUCK!! I'm not trying to make assumptions here, but assuming we are able to get pregnant again, I don't want to still be at this weight and fitness level. Although, maybe this month's chance IUI will do the trick? Then I'll gladly sideline my running :).

Anyone else hate the side effects from fertility meds?

recognizing IF

2012-01-07T21:17:00.002-05:00

The other night, on my way home from my hair cut, I stopped at the local drugstore to pick up a box of tamp.ons. I was already feeling kind of bitter about the fact that I had to buy a box of those things again and when I went to the front of the store, the line was three people deep. Now, that may not seem like that long, but it was moving slowly. It seriously took five minutes for the next person in line to get rung up. Part of the issue was that one cashier was being tied up with a customer who was buying an arsenal of supplements. To top that off, he wanted to double check the price with the ad for each and every bottle. I was getting quite tired of waiting, when all of a sudden I realized the similarities between all of the supplements. In his cart he had DH.EA, CoQ10, Ni.acin, and Fol.ic Acid. Now, perhaps there are other reasons for needing those supplements, but having just done my own reading on increasing egg quality, I know that all of those are used to increase fertility. I seriously considered asking him in the parking lot if he was going through infertility, but I thought that might be going a bit too far. I just hope that if he is facing the ugly beast that is IF, that he comes out on the other side victorious and soon.

The second situation of the past week, relating to IF, happened a little closer to home. Due to our appointment in Chic.ago and Christmas/Anniversary festivities, we were unable to get together with MBL's family until today. Usually this is a somewhat stressful situation as MBL's sister and mom are tightly wound. Taking xa.nax or having a drink prior to spending time with them is generally a good idea. That being said, since having Piper I've been trying to take a more relaxed approach to life and family. We were enjoying our time together when it came time for MBL's mom to open a present from Piper. It was the Willo.w Tree Grandmother figurine. When she opened it, she started tearing up and thanking us for such a beautiful, meaningful gift. I didn't expect the reaction, but I was glad that she enjoyed it. Later, when MBL and I were talking about the gathering, he mentioned that his sister also started crying when MBL's mom opened the figurine. And, then, something that should have been clear for years smacked me in the face. MBL's sister is facing her own kind of infertility. She is 37 years old and is just now (finally) in a good relationship with a great guy. MBL pointed out that she was crying because she wants to have kids and it hasn't happened yet (due to not being in the right relationship until this point). I had never thought of things from her perspective before and I feel bad about that. I also feel bad for her because, in all reality, she needs to get on the TTC bandwagon as soon as possible. I feel awful that our joy caused her pain (and it's definitely justified pain as she probably always assumed she'd have the 1st grandkid). My SIL and I have always had an awkward relationship, but today I realized we had more in common than I originally thought.

Stupid IF, why are you everywhere?

back in the game

2012-01-05T21:10:00.002-05:00

Apparently last month was a "trial run" for my body. I didn't ovulate until day 23 of my cycle and then AF came 8 days later. The only good part of this is that I was able to get in for repeat day 3 bloodwork and find out if my fertility really is going down the toilet. I got up really early to get to the lab so that they would have the results the same day, but that didn't work as planned. They were able to do same day results, but then the doc's office never called with them :(. The next day, I decided that I wasn't going to be able to make it through work with all the butterflies in my stomach! After much debate, I decided to call them on my lunch break. And it was good news (so far)! My AMH results won't be back until late next week, but they had my FSH, LH, and E2 levels. My FSH was 7.4, LH was 13, and E2 was 12. I mentioned my low antral count and she said 11 wasn't that bad. And my other levels suggest that our situation isn't as urgent as we were thinking (as in, we don't need to rush back to the doc next month).

That being said, we are still planning on trying until April/May(ish) and then moving on to IVF. HOWEVER, with the early arrival of AF (after my late ovulation), we are in a bit of an odd situation this month. I usually ovulate between days 14-17 and this month that would mean the week of the 15th. The major problem??? MBL is out of town that ENTIRE week. Saturday to Friday... cycle days 13-19. Awesome. We tried to get a frozen sp.erm IUI scheduled at our old clinic, but they said we needed to see the doctor first. Crap. We got an appointment scheduled for next Friday at 10:45 and I managed to get a clo.mid script from my OB, so we're hoping that we can get an ultrasound to see how big my follie is after our appointment and proceed with either a fresh IUI on Saturday (CD 13) or a frozen IUI on Monday (CD 15). Or, I will have taken clo.mid for no good reason at all :).

On Tuesday, I was feeling quite worried about all of this, but today I'm feeling at peace. I was fairly certain my FSH was going to be 40 and now that I know it's not, I'm not quite as panicky. Hopefully I don't get a rude surprise next week when my AMH results come in.

(oh, and I totally realize that I said we were skipping IUIs this time around, but apparently I am going to have to eat my words ;).

a new year.

2011-12-30T11:06:00.018-05:00

I have to admit, I'm sad to see 2011 go. This year has been one of the best years of my life and I'm a little bit scared about what 2012 will bring. I knew 2011 would be good because I started the year off preggo. I knew that 2011 wouldn't be filled with crying in the bathroom over AF and failed cycles. Instead, I knew that it would bring us our daughter and the joys of parenthood. And bring that, it did. I can look back at 2011 and see all the good the year brought. I can't say the same for 2009 or 2010. Now that I am staring at the start of 2012, I find myself anxious.

What am I anxious about? Seeing this:

I hate negative pregnancy tests. HATE. One single, negative pee stick can bring all the emotions of TTC and IF flooding back to the front of my mind. And despite the fact that I did (eventually) get a pee stick to come up positive, that experience was not enough to erase the 21 months of crying over AF's arrival and the one freaking line I saw over and over again. Not to be dramatic, but a negative pregnancy test seriously has the power to break my heart.

As silly as it sounds, I am afraid of seeing those tests again. I really hate infertility and the pain that comes along with it.

That being said, the good thing about our journey of TTC #2 is that we have goals in mind and a definite end point. After our last appointment with our RE, it was made very clear to us that we do not have all the time in the world to try the old fashioned way. So, after talking about it, MBL and I decided that we would try naturally until May and then proceed with IVF. We probably won't do any IUIs this time as they only slightly increase our chances of getting pregnant and we want to put all of our money towards IVF (rather than spending $300-$500 a month hoping an IUI will work). We definitely didn't think we would be considering IVF again, but we are happy that we know the drill and that we will be able to positively use our time naturally TTC.

What do I mean by that? The fact that we are waiting until May to do IVF again means that we can use the interim to reach some of our goals. As cliche as it is to say we are beginning the new year with new goals, that is exactly what we are going to do. So, what are my goals in the next five months?

1. Keep tracking Points Plus. I have been mostly good about this since I purchased a $1.99 app for my phone. And now that I am totally weaned off of Zol.oft, I have noticed that I am losing a bit of weight. I (finally) saw a number I haven't seen since last summer. Granted, it was only 1 pound less than where I had been hovering, but I'm happy to see the number going DOWN.
2. In addition to being responsible with my food intake, I want to keep running. My sister and I are planning on running a 25k (15.5 miles) in May and I want to be in good shape to do that. We actually ran three times over Christmas together and it felt AWESOME to keep up on my running and I discovered I actually enjoy running with other people :).
3. MBL and I need to get our budget on track. This goal bums me out because I know that I have been irresponsible with spending in the past and I really don't like it when I'm in the wrong. We currently don't have a budget and this is a serious problem. I want to be held accountable for my spending and I want to cut out extraneous expenses. To get a kick start on this goal, I checked this book out of the library and I'm hoping it will get me geeked about budgeting.

Those are our top priorities for the new year and I am thinking they are totally attainable and simple goals. I have additional goals for the future, but, right now, they have to take a back burner to the three listed above. But, I'll share them anyways :). Here are some things I want for the future:

After saying for years that I would never drive a minivan, I have serious car envy over all my friends who have one. Turns out, I was a fool to think I didn't want one.

No, I do not want twins (although, I would take them gladly). What I really want is two more babies. Most people don't have to worry about not reaching the ideal size of their family, but we do. And I am praying with all my might that we are able to have two more.

Finally, I want a nice camera. MBL has bemoaned our lack of one for years, but it was only after using my sister's camera at Christmas that I realized what we are missing by not having one!! Holy pete, those things can take awesome shots!

What are your goals for the new year? Are you excited to ring in 2012?

a life changing appointment

2011-12-22T00:12:00.002-05:00

So, this morning MBL and I got up early(ish) and headed to our Chic.ago based RE. We were going there to talk about our last IVF cycle and get an idea of how long he thought we should TTC naturally before heading to IVF again. I appreciate him as a doctor because he is caring but honest to the core. I knew that he would give us a realistic picture of our fertility timeline. I guess he kind of thought it was funny that we were there to just chat about our successful cycle and spent the first five minutes trying to clarify why we were there. When it comes down to it, we went because I had the inkling that there might be more to our IF equation than male factor. I didn't want to admit it, but I was beginning to wonder if I played a role in our IF troubles.

Our appointment was mostly uneventful, we talked about how much we like being parents and how we want to do it again ASAP, then we moved onto our chances of conceiving naturally (he says about 5-15% over a year). Then, I finally asked about my fertility and whether or not the fact that I had low(ish) AMH a year and a half ago and less than amazing results from stimulation meant that I might not really have the fertility of an average 26 year old. He said that I probably don't have as good of ovarian reserve as other women my age, but I got the best results possible from IVF: a take home baby. He then also confirmed my suspicions by saying that it is likely I will go through menopause early. He said I won't go through it in my 20's, but he would guess I would start between 38-44. That's early, but not a significant problem for us as I am 26, making the low end of his guesstimation still 12 years away. Keeping that in mind, he agreed that we should redraw my labs on day 3 of my next cycle and do an ultrasound immediately to look at my antral follicle count. As we were leaving his office (to head to ultrasound), we were joking about having twins on our next cycle. And then things got interesting....

I settled myself in the stirrups and got ready for my first encounter with wandy since September of last year. The nurse had the screen turned away from me, but MBL could see what was going on. First she measured my uterine lining and mentioned that it looks like I either just ovulated or will ovulate in the next few days (yay!). She then went over to the right ovary and counted the follicles she could see and came up with 8. She also told me that my dominant follicle is on that side. She then moved over to the left and suddenly looked very concerned. After a few seconds she told me she measured 3 follicles on the left. NOT what I was expecting to hear. I had a total of 11 follicles. NOT GOOD. A year ago, I had 27. In a year and a half, my count has dropped by 16!! That's bad. I just kept telling MBL that the results were not good and the nurse just agreed with me, but she said that it was good I didn't wait to come back for #2. She said that I might not have had many options if I had waited to come back when I was 30. Wow. MBL and I went into the appointment thinking we were going to have months of TTC naturally with some IUIs thrown in there and then (hopefully) a BFP. We were hoping to avoid IVF. We left planning on returning in the next few months for our next IVF cycle. If we want two more babies, we need to get going. I may be biologically 26, but my body thinks it's already in it's thirties...

Basically, I feel like my world has been turned upside down and I'm still trying to process it all...

the latest

2011-12-18T19:35:00.000-05:00

I meant to up my blogging game, but failed miserably at that. I have good reason. This week I will have put in 40 hours at my job. Considering the fact that I normally put in 20, this was a significant change in our daily routine. I work 10 hour shifts, which meant that I was away most of the hours during which Piper was awake. All three of the days that I worked this week, we had an event in the evening. One night I had dinner with a friend, another night we went out with a bunch of MBL's work colleagues, and the third night MBL went out with his boss' boss. That last night, Piper and I were home alone in the evening and it was so special to just spend time with her. I fed her dinner, gave her a bath, and put her to bed by myself and I just loved all the snuggling and playing we did! I used to find being alone in the evenings stressful, but now we're in a groove where I find it enjoyable. Plus, I had such little time with her the rest of the week that I needed every second I could get with her!

Speaking of loving baby snuggles, have I mentioned that I want another one? Now? Oh, I have? Well, it's still very much the case. We are on our first month TTC and I'm already over it. On Wednesday we have an appointment with our RE in Chic.ago and I'm hoping to get a good picture of what our fertility really is and what our chances for conceiving naturally are. MBL really wants to make a baby the old fashioned way, but I'm not holding my breath. There really isn't any reason we shouldn't be able to, but considering all it took to get Piper, I'm trying to hold off from believing that pregnancy "cured" our infertility.

To show that we are serious about this TTC #2 thing, MBL is scheduled for surgery (again) on the 30th. He had a varicocelectomy in March 2010 and we did notice higher spe.rm counts post surgery, but his most recent S/A showed poor morphology (19%). We went back to the urologist (actually we went to a new urologist in the same practice as our other one) in February and he ordered an ultrasound which showed that the surgery wasn't as successful as it could have been. We finally made another appointment with him about the findings in February at the beginning of this month (december) and he said he could go back in and get us better quality. That's exactly what we want!! So, MBL is going under the knife again on the 30th and my plan is to get preggo in March. It doesn't work that way? Well, crap!! Actually, I am thinking we will go back to IUIs in March. We will have only been TTC naturally for four months, but I'm crazy and want another baby bump ASAP. Seriously, I loved being pregnant and I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom, so I really cannot wait to do it again.

Now... The only negative is that I am registered to run a 25k with my sister in May. I really want to run the race with her and there is no reason for me to think that I will actually be pregnant by the time May rolls around... But, part of me is still hoping that I will have to drop down to the 5k or 10k because I am pregnant. I am NOT, however, going to let our TTC efforts keep me from training for the race. I let that happen for far too many years and I don't think it helped keep my mood and my spirits up. I am going to keep running and working out and I will stop if/when I need to. And, boy oh boy, do I hope I need to (soon)!

Back at it!

2011-12-04T11:36:00.001-05:00

I'm finally getting back into my groove and getting on here to post! I can't believe that it's been three weeks since I last posted. I traveled way more than I had originally intended over Thanksgiving, so that left me with very little time to get on here and read updates or even update myself. But, I'm back now and I'm going to try and be better about posting on a regular basis.

One of the most exciting (??) updates is that I'm finally cycling again!! The return of AF is only welcome because it means we are officially back on the TTC wagon! Oh how I loathe that wagon... But, maybe, just maybe, it will be easier this time around? Or, at least, cheaper? I haven't had a real heart to heart with MBL yet, but I set up an appointment with our fertility doc for December 21st. No, we're jumping into treatments right away, but I want to check in with him and hear his thoughts on our IVF cycle. You see, we went to an out of town clinic to do the IVF cycle that actually got us pregnant and we really liked to doctor... So, as long as we are going to be back in his neck of the woods for Christmas, I want to have a face to face chat with him. We know that I can get pregnant (via IVF), but I want to hear his thoughts on us getting pregnant naturally. During that cycle I had all sorts of testing done (because we were doing shared risk) and one of the tests done was AMH and my results came back at 0.9. Normal is between 1.0 and 3.0. Anything above 3.0 could suggest PCOS and anything below 1.0 could suggest low ovarian reserve. AMH does not measure egg quality. When that result came back I was shocked. How could I, at 24, have a slightly below normal reading? When I voiced my concerns to the nurse, she explained that it's a newer test and they take the results with a grain of salt. They use my other tests to get a better picture of my fertility. Well, I have a great antral count (28-30), low FSH (around 6.5), and a nice looking ute. Plus, I have been able to get pregnant (with the help of $25,000 and a medical professional). BUT, I worry that maybe I do have a fertility problem. All along we thought it was MBL who was functioning subpar, but what if I contribute to that equation? Both of my egg retrievals resulted in more drugs and less eggs than expected. Our last cycle resulted in only 4 mature eggs/embryos. Is that a symptom of reduced fertility on my end? Especially when you consider our other cycle resulted in only 3 embryos? I have been so scared to voice these concerns because I don't want it to be me. Low egg quality is not something that is easy to fix. BUT, I want to know what the doctor thinks because if it is low egg quality, then MBL and I need to be serious about cramming these babies in! MBL wants to putter around with naturally TTC for a while before we seek treatment again (which I can totally understand--wouldn't it be exciting to get pregnant from s.e.x.?), but I don't want to waste precious time if my eggs are headed down the crapper. I feel so blinkin' lucky to have Piper, I really do, but I want her to have a sibling or two! My goal is to be done having babies by the time I'm thirty (in approximately 4 years) and to have three children. So, I need/want to fit in two more pregnancies.

So... In about two weeks MBL and I will be even more officially back on the TTC wagon as we enter into our first two week wait post Piper. My test date should be right around our 3rd anniversary and, I have to admit, I am praying with every fiber of my being for a miracle BFP!

the ache never does go away...

2011-11-06T21:56:00.000-05:00

Last night as I was doing my best to fall asleep, I couldn't help but think about our infertility journey. We are at the point where we are facing TTC again and I am completely scared out of my mind. A part of me liked the fact that AF has been absent while I've been pumping for Piper because it meant that I didn't have to think about timing things, temperature taking, and peeing on sticks. The 21 months leading up to our BFP were so unbelievably painful. And, unfortunately, a BFP and a healthy baby haven't "cured" me from being an infertile. No, I have no idea how long it will take to conceive #2, but I'm gearing up for the long haul. Even though I am prepared for a lengthy journey, I am not immune to the jealousy and heartache that comes along with struggling to conceive. I swear, up until two weeks ago, I felt nothing but bliss about my new life and pregnancy announcements didn't bother me. Now? I'm back to longing for a bump of my own. One of my closest friends just told me that in light of a recent health scare she and her husband may begin TTC in the next few months. This means we would be TTC at the same time. My last friend to announce this to me showed up at our next get together (3 months later) and announced she was 13 weeks pregnant. Which means she got pregnant on the first shot. I wasn't really upset about it then, I had a newborn and my mind was not thinking about TTC. But now? I'm sad. And scared. It seems silly to say that I'm scared, but what I really mean is that I am SO not looking forward to all the emotions that come along with BFN after BFN. I'm scared about the amount of time it will take. I'm scared of the jealousy I will feel towards my friend should #2 take as long to conceive as #1. I'm scared of the decisions MBL and I will have to face if it comes down to needing to see the RE again. I'm scared of going back on fertility meds. Most of all, I'm scared that I'll never have what I so desperately want: my family of five.

Infertility is particularly frustrating because having children seems like such a simple task to the majority of the population. You time things right a few months (or WOOPS! you forget to use birth control) and nine months later you are holding a precious baby. For those of us in the ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) community, things aren't that easy and the difficulty and pain we experience during the process of building our families is often misunderstood or brushed off by those who haven't experienced it themselves. Which makes it even worse.

I have blogged about this before (many times), but MBL and I are pretty open with what it took to get pregnant and just how Piper was created. We feel good sharing our story because, in doing so, we hope that we are able to help others understand infertility a little better. We are trying to put a face with a disease that so many people view as just an inconvenience. Doing this has both positive and negative consequences for us. The positives are obvious: we are increasing awareness about IF and the treatments for it. We are trying to debunk myths about infertility and, I think, we have been fairly successful at this. The negatives are a little harder to understand, but now that I am a mom who longs for another, it's hard because everyone knows about it. They know we are going to try again right away. The know we had a hard time the last time. And, the tough part, is that I want them to ask me how it's going. I want them to care that it took a lot to get Piper and that our journey to #2 and #3 might not be easy. I want their sympathy and their listening ears, but, at the same time, I feel embarassed that we struggle with infertility. I want to conceive easily like my cousins. I want to be able to live a life without REs or fertility drugs or fear of losing my pregnancy. In short, I want to be a fertile. I want to be "normal". Really, I want to not be obesessing about how much time it may or may not take to get pregnant again!

I guess all of this proves that the saying is true, "Once an infertile, always an infertile." At least I have a community who understands!

embracing my story

2011-10-31T22:15:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my story and how I got to where I am today. I've been through a lot these past three years. First it was everything we went through to get pregnant, then it was being scared out of my mind for 9 months straight, then it was troubles nursing, then it was low supply, followed by post partum anxiety... And, now, we're facing TTC #2 and as much as I want to be hopeful, I'm planning on it taking a bunch of work to get pregnant (again). As much as all of those things sucked and, if I had it my way, I would rather that things came easily, but they didn't. What I can do, though, is learn from all of it. Embrace who it has made me.

When I think back to when MBL and I started TTC, I can remember just how certain I felt that we would return from our honeymoon and I would get a positive test. As a matter of fact, I had a box of tests waiting for me. Little did I know that the next 20 months would involve a whole heck of a lot of negative pee sticks. I don't know how I would have felt if I had gotten a positive that first month. But, I can tell you that a positive after all that time, was incredible. And being a mom after dreaming about the experience for nearly 2.5 years, is better than I imagined it would be. If I had become a mom at 23 after only trying for one month, I'm sure I would have enjoyed it, but would I have loved it as much as I do? Piper has spit up on me, pooped on me, drooled all over me, and my response is always the same, "I went through a lot to get to this place." I don't take the little things for granted and I think a lot of it is because of all I went through to get here. And, even though IF is an ugly witch, I am grateful that it taught me to be thankful for the little things that come along with being a parent.

One thing that IF taught me, is to be open with my story. And experiencing PP anxiety and supply issues only increased my openness. Now that I am involved in mom's groups, I get a lot of questions about BFing, being a mom, and having more children. Instead of pretending like I have it all together, I make it known that I have struggled. The things I have gone through are all kind of embarassing. No one wants to struggle to conceive, be unable to provide enough food for their baby, and feel like they can't handle parenthood... BUT, I know I'm not alone in my struggles and by talking to people about what I have gone through, I open the door for them to share their struggles. Plus, all of those struggles have relieved me from the pretense that I am perfect or that I have it all together :). And I like it that way. It's not what I would have originally chosen for myself, but I'm choosing to embrace my story. It's shaped me into who I am and I'm pretty happy with that.

So, do you think now that I've learned all of that I can get pregnant with #2 on the first try? Please?

a new journey...

2011-10-21T22:33:00.002-04:00

Hello to all here from ICLW :). Most of my story is on the left side of my blog, but in a nutshell, we went through a year of fertility treatments before we got our BFP on IVF #2 last September. Our beautiful baby girl was born on May 25th and we are loving each and every day with her!

Now what is this new journey my blog title is hinting at? The journey of ttc #2. Obviously, we are well aware of what TTC entails. It took us 21 months to get our sticky BFP, but I feel like I will be approaching it with a new mindset. As an infertile who has experienced pregnancy, part of me is hoping that my body is now "fixed" and that MBL and I will be able to get pregnant with just a roll in the hay. A huge part of me is terrified about what will happen if we are unable to get pregnant that way. I am SOOOO not looking forward to having to do more infertility treatments/medications. I would LOVE to skip that!

In order to get the TTC #2 train rolling, however, I need to stop pumping. I was all ready to quit about 4 months ago and, somehow, I'm still going strong. BUT, I am apparently sensitive to prolactin and AF isn't going to come without weaning Piper. I was spotting a bit yesterday and I was beyond excited...it's so weird to actually want AF to arrive! I'm hoping that November will bring me my first PPAF (post partum aunt flow) and that we will be able to officially start TTC. In my head I've decided that if we aren't pregnant by Piper's first birthday, we will begin treatments again, but I know myself too well and I may want to start sooner than that (if necessary and if I can convince MBL :). Temping, charting, and OPKs will soon be a big part of my life again. And, I imagine, so will BFNs. I just hope there is another BFP in my future. Now that I know what a joy it is to be a parent, I can't wait to do it again...

old familiar places...

2011-10-15T22:56:00.003-04:00

Monday was a good day. First, I went to my moms' group and we put together an apple pie. I didn't actually bake it as I can't be trusted to be home alone with an entire pie. I froze it to use for my small group dinner next week. After a somewhat cranky day at home with Piper, I dropped her off with MBL at work and headed to my favorite running path. It was around 80ish degrees here on Monday and I wanted to take full advantage! As I was running around the path, I couldn't help but reflect on how my life has evolved over my 7 years as a runner. And that running path? I've been going there that entire time... Although, I did have to take a two year hiatus during our IF treatments. When I started running that path I was 19 years old, single, and going to college... 7 years later I am married, happy, and a mom! That path has seen my deepest frustrations and hurts and, on Monday, it got to see the best of me. The happiest and most fulfilled I have felt in years. My birthday is next week and I can honestly say that I am exactly where I want to be. I am sure, in the future, I will run that path again and I am so hoping that as time goes on I am able to be as sure of myself as I was on Monday. Happy and content and exactly where I want to be.

Another familiar place I will be visiting again? This lovely city:

And this time? We are attempting it with a 5 month old!! Yep, that's right, we're bringing the baby. MBL is pretty excited about showing her one of our favorite cities. And I'm pretty excited to go there again! The last time we went was in November of 2009 and we were just about to start our first IVF cycle. We were full of hope and certain that by January we would have our much desired positive pee stick. One sore point of the trip was that we had applied to get financial help with our IVF meds as we were paying out of pocket and I was about to leave on a day of sightseeing when I got the call that we were denied coverage. I remember holding back tears at each museum I visited. I was crushed and so certain that it meant doom for our journey to baby. But, that is just about the only IF related sore that I remember from that trip. Mostly I remember having a great time hopping from museum to museum and going out in the evenings with MBL. I LOVED the city and I'm both excited and anxious to try and navigate it with a baby in tow. I'm sure there are other people in NYC with infants who get around just fine :). I am so thankful that on this trip I won't be holding back tears or worrying about shots. SO. THANKFUL.

A decision?

2011-10-06T22:17:00.003-04:00

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back here and update on our "are we moving?" situation. Basically, since my initial post, there has been a lot of back and forth communcation between MBL and I. Yes, it's odd to say that I am "communicating" with my spouse, but we have been crazy busy here and we've nearly had to schedule time to chat!

To make a long story short, we decided to tell International that we are interested in having MBL take a temporary position with them. The way it would work is that MBL and I would go over to The Netherlands for 3-6 months so that MBL could get to know the office over there and establish himself as a knowledgeable and dependable part of the team. We would then come back here and MBL would continue to work for International for the following year and a half. At that point, he would go back to his current position at the US side of the company. We realized that we cannot move to Chic.ago or The Nether.lands full time right now because our house is not in sellable condition. We would have to put quite a bit of money into to get it on the market, and it is highly unlikely that we would see a return on that money... So, we are keeping our home base here :).

Nothing is official yet, as MBL has to send International the "number" he is thinking as far as salary. And I have more exciting details to share, but I will have to come back here to do that, as I am wiped out from a week of single mom-ing it and my bed is calling out to me!

changes are coming!!

2011-09-24T17:53:00.005-04:00

**Before I get started, I want to say that if you know me in real life, please do not post about this on FB or mention this to any of my family members as I want to be able to share the final outcome when the time is right...**

Now that I have you all sufficiently scared/interested, I have to say that this week was a big one in our house. And it has absolutely nothing to do with Piper or adding any new babies to the mix (although, I am still wondering where AF is...).

The big news is that it is very likely that we will be making a big move in the near future. For a few months now, MBL has known that the international side of the business where he works was interested in bringing him on board. They had discussed potential job opportunities with him back in July, but he was told that the money for those positions was not approved and so it was unlikely anything would happen until next July (when the new fiscal year begins). So, when MBL was called into a meeting with two of the head honchos from international on Friday, he thought nothing of it. And then they told him that they want him on board. Now. When MBL asked about the timeline for this position, like when it would start, the response was, "Tomorrow?". No, they do not actually expect us to be able to make such a huge transition quickly, but it is clear that they want MBL as soon as possible.

Why does this job opportunity mean big change for our family? Because this means that we will be making a big move...

Option #1

Option #2

Basically, MBL is on his fourth trip to the Nether.lands in the last year and that is where most of the work for his new role would be focused. This does not mean that we as a family have to move there, but it would certainly be convenient for his new job. He was told that, at first, it will be crucial for him to have a presence there. The head of international did not move there, but said that he basically spent a whole month there when he first started work. I do not think I would do well with MBL gone for a whole month, especially since we live so far away from family (well, not really far away, but not down the road either).

If we do not move our family there, then we will definitely be moving from our current location to be near my parents. If MBL is going to be gone abroad several times a month, then I will need the support of my family to make it through. Right now we live out in the country and it's just not possible for me to maintain the house/housework, work part time, and raise Piper. And while I am resigned to having dirty floors in exchange for precious play time with my daughter, living here in the winter without MBL around to clear our driveway is just not reasonable. Plus, I get lonely when he is gone and it would be so nice to have my parents near by. So, if we decide to stay here in the states, then we would likely move to the Chi.cago area.

As you can see, no matter what we are faced with a huge life change ahead of us. MBL and I basically spent most of yesterday in silent shock over the reality of what this means for our family. On one hand, this is exciting! MBL is basically being offered a significant promotion and this job offer shows us just how much his company values his work. It would be a great career move for him and a new adventure for us. We both love to travel and would be thrilled to instill that love in Piper at such a young age. At the same time, we are terrified. I have lived in this area since I started college 8 years ago and MBL has lived here for 10 years. That's a long time! As much as I hate the winter, I've grown to enjoy our small city. I know where the farmer's market is, I recently joined a mommy group, and I have fantastic friends. I am comfortable here. But, I do not think it would be appropriate to allow our fear of the unknown to drive our decision.

As I was laying in bed last night, still trying to process it all, a compromise of sorts came to mind. We may decide to move to The Neth.erlands for a short(er) amount of time and then move to Chic.ago. That way, MBL could get to know the staff in the Nether.lands and be available locally during his transition into his new role, but we wouldn't have to commit to permanently living there. After six months or so, we could move to Chic.ago and then MBL would travel there when he was needed. It is likely that he would travel a week or so every 4-6 weeks, but if we kept our home "base" in the US, then we wouldn't have to worry about making family travel internationally to visit us. Plus, I really don't want Piper's grandparents/aunts/uncles to miss out on the first two years of her life! But, as of right now, no decisions have been made... We're still trying to process it all!

So, there it is, our big news. I'm all at once excited and scared out of my mind about this new chapter in our journey!

everything that comes to mind...

2011-09-19T21:55:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the lack of blog posts. Our busyness has continued into the early fall. My baby sister got married the weekend after Labor Day and because of that we spent four day in Chi.cago. Piper was the flower girl. MBL escorted her down the aisle and it was absolutely precious. We had a blast and when it was time to pack up, we could not believe we had been there for four days! One of the things that has been keeping me from posting here is the fact that I keep thinking of too many things to blog about... So, I am going to make this a bullet point post, that way it won't seem so strange that my topics aren't interrelated.

•I am still pumping. Still doing it three times a day and still only making around 7oz. I actually don’t mind it that much, but if I haven’t gotten PPAF (post partum aunt flow) by the time Piper is six months old, I will stop. The reason for that is that we want to TTC as soon as we can and take advantage of the supposed post-pregnancy fertile time and if I haven’t gotten PPAF by that time, I will need to stop pumping in order to get her to come back.
•Speaking of TTC #2, I’m already worried about how long it will take and if we will even be successful. It’s so silly to worry about it before we even begin, but that doesn’t stop by from doing it! I just want to be able to get pregnant the “easy” way. I don’t want to have to go through all the meds and money again. I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want to try clo.mid again… I’ve just gotten back into running and I can’t do that if I’m on fertility meds. I also do not want multiples… I know that my chances are low on clo.mid and I would surely be happy with whatever success we achieved, but twins would be a lot.
•MBL and I would really love to have 3 kids and I really hate that because we have fertility problems I can’t just assume that we’ll be able to achieve that. We kind of decided that if we need IVF for #2 that’s all we’ll have, but I wonder if I’ll really be able to give up our dream of having three children. Would we try IVF again to get #3? Would I always regret it if I didn’t? IF still sucks.
•I will say, though, that IF has made me really grateful for the gift I have been given. Every day of being a mom isn’t easy, but I really love it and whenever something stressful/disgusting happens I try to think, “I’d rather ¬_____ and have Piper than not have ¬¬¬¬___ and no Piper." For example, the other week Piper pooped all over herself and me. FUN! And while I was mildly grossed out, all I could think is, “I would rather have poop all over me and have Piper than not have poop on me and not have Piper.” All the time I think of those of you who are still waiting… Waiting on adoption papers, waiting to begin IF treatments, or waiting for your BFP (for #1, #2, or whatever number you want!). I am so thankful that I have Piper. It doesn’t erase all the pain of infertility, but it certainly eases it. And because I am aware of the pain of IF, I am thankful every day that I get to be a mom.
•All right, I have to go wake Piper up from her 3.5 hour nap… Poor little pumpkin has her first cold!

a different kind of anniversary...

2011-09-02T19:47:00.004-04:00

Today is a different kind of anniversary... One year ago today Piper was one of three embryos that we transferred! When we got the call three days after retrieval that we were going to have a three day transfer, we were crushed. Our RE prided himself on 5 day transfers and so we figured our embies were no good. But, we decided to go into it with as much optimism as our other treatments. Afterall, I had read plenty of successful three day embryo transfer stories. When I was handed the picture of our three embryos, my heart sank a bit. They looked nothing like the perfect pictures of embryos I had seen online or on our RE's website. When we asked our nurse about our embryos, she said that there was nothing wrong with them, they were just what MBL and I created together. She went on to say that they transferred perfect 5 day blasts all the time that turned into BFNs and "ugly" embies that became beautiful babies. I was too embarassed to post this a year ago, but here is the picture of our three embryos:

Those of you who have googled "three day embryos", know that those are not textbook embies... But, you know what? One of those turned into this little girl:

I can't believe how lucky we got. I also can't believe that it was just a year ago that MBL started giving me nightly PIO shots. It seems like it was forever ago... And now instead of those nightly shots, we spend our evenings feeding and playing with our IVF miracle.

And, now, knowing the joy that being a parent is, we are anxious to add to our family. I'm sure other people would think we are crazy, but we are being hopeful infertiles and praying that it doesn't take 21 months, 2 IVFs, and a bunch of $$$ to get #2... And don't even get me started on our hoping for #3...

things that surprise me...

2011-08-27T16:03:00.003-04:00

Lately I feel like my whole life has been turned upside down... And, really it has. In May I become a mom and last week I took on a new title of working mom. There is so much about my "new" life that surprises me...

-For starters, I am surprised that I am still pumping. I was going to give up back in June when I got mastitis for the first time. I then realized that I could pump 3 times a day and still get the 7-8oz I was producing when I was pumping 7-8 times a day. I've never made enough for Piper, but it makes me feel good that she is still getting some breastmilk. MBL had a TON of allergies as a kid and we know that breastmilk can help prevent some of that, so we both feel like it's good for me to continue pumping. I did get mastitis AGAIN, but it didn't make me want to give up, so for now I'm going to continue carting around my BFF: the pump.

-Another thing that surprises me is how much I LOVE staying home with Piper. I absolutely adore it. Why does this surprise me? Well, to be honest, as a babysitter, I sometimes found hanging out with kids ALL DAY to be kind of boring (please don't throw stones!). I mean I love kids and all and I think it's so neat to see them interact and change, but sometimes it was quite daunting to have to "entertain" kids all day. Well, as it turns out, it is WAY different with your own kids. I LOVE sitting on the couch and "talking" with Piper. It's funny because she actually tires of me before I tire of her. I'll want to sit and chat and she'll start fussing and as soon as I turn her around to face the world, she is happy as can be. There have actually been a few times where I've been trying to soothe her by holding/bouncing her and she doesn't stop fussing until I put her in her bouncy! Funny girl.

-On the note of loving staying home, I'm actually also enjoying going to work. I don't love my job, but the first day back was far easier than I expected it to be. It was nice to have other responsibilities than just being a mom (and I use the term "just" loosely as I personally believe it to be a perfectly fantastic job to hold). With my schedule, too, I feel like I get the best of both worlds, I work Wednesdays and every other weekend. She goes to daycare one day a week and then on the weekends when I work she will be home with her daddy. I'm actually glad that MBL will get a chance to parent her by herself... I think it will be good for all of us! Plus with the IVF debt we still have and my school loans coming due, it's nice to have the extra income! We could definitely make it work for me to stay home all the time, but it would mean sacrificing a lot and, at this point, it makes more sense for me to work. And, thankfully, I'm learning that it's not so bad.

-What else is surprising? Just how HARD being a working momma is! I work 10 hours days and I am the one who picks up Piper from daycare. I leave work, go pick her up, head home where I am greeted by a dog that has been neglected all day, and then have to tend to the nightly things like dinner, dishes, feedings, diaper changes, and preparing for the next day. I don't want to start a debate on this, but I am beyond impressed by mommas who do this every day... My hat goes off to all those working moms who somehow manage to get it all done! I don't think I could do it.

-Speaking of that, I am surprised by just how much work being a stay at home mom is. I knew it was going to be tough, but I'm surprised by how wonderful and yet equally difficult it is. Trying to accomplish all that needs to get done on a daily basis is truly a large task. I don't know how households with two working parents do it. My house is a disaster, even though I spend a large part of my time trying to keep it clean. I am convinced that if I worked full time we would need to hire a maid.

-Lastly, I am surprised by just how ready I am to start trying for #2. I am equally surprised by just how eager MBL is, too. I've decided that I really want my kids to be close in age. Ideally, I'd like to be done by the time I'm thirty, which gives us 4 years and 2 months to have two more children. I know I'm being rather bold by assuming I'll be able to have those children, but I'm holding on to optimism over here :). Actually, MBL and I have decided that if it takes another $25,000 to get our second child, then we will probably just have two kids. I really want three (at one point we wanted four...), but I don't want to sacrifice future family trips and weeks at camp in order to get to that number. We're just waiting for my cycle to start and then we'll begin the fun process of temping and timing and waiting and hoping... All over again!

whirlwind...

2011-08-11T13:04:00.004-04:00

Wow! I feel like it's been forever since I was last on here! The title of this post fully explains the type of summer we have had... A whirlwind. We returned from our family vacation on Monday and it had been 17 days since I was last at our house. Crazy, right? We were in Chicago for my sister's shower and I stayed there for a few extra days while MBL went to San Diego for a conference. And, I joined him there without Piper. That's right, we've already had our first baby-less trip! I was really nervous about leaving her, but she was with my capable parents. It was too good of an opportunity to pass up; my parents were available to watch Piper, MBL's flight was paid for and so was most of our hotel, and we used miles for me to fly there. We could have brought Piper with us, but I was too nervous about exposing her to all the germs on the airplane and too nervous about navigating four airports without any help. I LOVED San Diego and would totally move there in a heartbeat, BUT my parents are here in the Midwest, so this is where we will stay (for now).

When I returned from San Diego, we packed up and headed to a cottage on a lake for our annual family vacation. It's one of our favorite weeks of the year and this year was no different. We had a blast going out on the boat, taking Piper swimming, playing with our nephews, playing games late into the evening, and going to the zoo. It went by WAY too fast!! I love being surrounded by family and waking up to a house full of the people I love. I SOOOO wish MBL and I lived in the same area as my parents because spending time with them is just one of my most favorite things and I love that they are getting a chance to see Piper grow up. Eventually we will live closer than three hours away...

So, I can't believe it, but Piper is already 11 weeks old!! We had her two month appointment on Monday (overdue because of our vacations) and she is 22.75 inches and 11 lb 1oz. Her weight is the 40th percentile, her height is in the 48th percentile, and her head is in the 87th!! I swear she doesn't look like a bobble head doll! We also got her vaccinated, which was great because she starts daycare next week. Speaking of that, I cannot believe my maternity leave is nearly over. I'm absolutely dreading going back to work. I only work one day during the week and every other weekend, so Piper will only be at daycare one day a week, which is really ideal. Although more ideal for me would be if I didn't have to work at all! BUT, we still have about $5,000 left to pay on our IVF and then we have to start working on my school loans. Because I work 20 hours a week but only two days, we're maximizing our income while minimizing our expenses... I just wish I didn't have to work every other weekend! I hate that I'll be missing out on quality family time with MBL and Piper!

There is so much more to update on, but I need to get some chores done before Piper wakes up from her nap. So, I will leave you with two pictures; the first is when she was one month old and the second is from Monday (2.5 months). I can't believe how fast she is growing!

One month old:

Two months old: