Dolce Blog

Animal Crackers: Paddy and the Oysters

2010-01-13T10:41:00.004-05:00

Paddy was a young and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland. Every day, he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea, then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local fish store. He was a man of regular habits who always arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the police to report him missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard. The headline the next day in the Irish Times: Oysters Kilpatrick.

The Penguins and the Policeman

2009-12-08T13:20:00.008-05:00

A policeman spotted a car weaving down the road. He looked through his binoculars and saw hundreds of penguins crammed into the car, climbing all over the driver. He pulled the driver over and told him he was citing him for unlawful possession of animals.

The driver explained that he was on his way to the zoo with them.

"Alright then," the cop said, "I'll let you off. So long as you are taking them directly to the zoo."

The next day the same policeman saw the same car weaving along the road. Sure enough, the car was once again filled to the brim with penguins. He stopped the driver.

"I thought you said you were taking these penguins to the zoo?"

"I did. Today we're goin' down the pub."

Animal Crackers: The Parrot & The Auction

2009-11-16T12:52:00.000-05:00

A sailor went to an auction and saw a beautiful parrot. He bid $10. Then someone else bid $20. The sailor raised his bid to $25, but someone else bid $30. The sailor bid $35, but someone else bid $40. Determined to buy the bird, the sailor bid $50. This time there were no other bids, and the parrot was sold to the sailor.

"That's a lot of money I paid for this bird," said the sailor to the auctioneer. "I hope he can talk."

"Of course he can," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Animal Crackers: Ice Fishing

2009-10-01T09:15:00.000-04:00

It was a bitterly cold day in Saskatchewan. A man went fishing and cut a hole in the ice. 2 hours later, he still hadn't caught anything. Then a young boy came along, cut a hole in the ice nearby, and proceeded to catch fish after fish.

Eventually the man went over to the boy and said, "I've been here for hours and haven't caught one fish. You come along, and in 30 minutes catch at least ten! What's your secret?"

The boy chortles and replies, "Roo raf roo reep ra rurms rarm."

"What?!"

The boy repeated, "Roo raf roo reep ra rurms rarm."

"I'm sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spat a wad of ugly brown slime into his hand and said, " You have to keep the worms warm!"

Animal Crackers: The Fish Shop

2009-09-28T10:45:00.000-04:00

A man went into a fish shop carrying a trout under his arm, and asked, " Do you make fish cakes?"

"Yes sir, we certainly do. The best in the city."

"Good," said the man. "It's his birthday."

Animal Crackers: Bob the Bunny

2009-08-26T16:19:00.001-04:00

One morning, Bob the Bunny escapes from a science lab.

He sees some other rabbits in a neighboring field and bounds over to them: "Hey guys, I've lived in a lab all my life. Can you show me what bunnies in the wild do?"

"Sure." they reply."We like to eat fresh carrots. Wanna try some?"
"Okay" So Bob hops over and munches down with the others.

After awhile he asks, "So, what else do bunnies do?"
"Well, when we get tired of carrots, we head over to the lettuce patch. Wanna come?"
"Sure," says Bob and hops over and indulges further.

"Wow, guys, lettuce is great."
"Glad you like it, bro, now let's go see what's in the next field."
"Man, I'd love to," says Bob, "but I gotta get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette!"

Animal Crackers: Big Fish, Small Fish

2009-08-14T02:36:00.005-04:00

Two friends, Colin and Joe, were in a restaurant and they both ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other.

Colin said, "Go ahead, Joe, help yourself."

"Right", said Joe, and quickly helped himself to the larger fish.

After a bit of a tense silence, Colin blurted out, "You know, Joe, if you had offered
me first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"

"Well then," replied Joe, "what are you complaining about? That's what you got, didn't you?"

Animal Crackers: The Preacher & The Parrot

2009-08-07T16:01:00.004-04:00

A preacher walks into a pet store and is drawn to a beautiful parrot. He decides to buy it.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asks the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

Sure enough, when the preacher gently tugs the strings, the parrot performs beautifully.

"Marvelous!" says the preacher, "What happens if you pull both strings?"

The parrot screeches: "I fall off my perch, you fool!"

Animal Crackers: One Smart Dog

2009-07-17T16:16:00.002-04:00

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day, when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"Dumb dog," he says. As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops it on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. But who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it up, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another fiver goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the pup home. The dog enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner curses at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," says the butcher.

"No, he's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Animal Crackers: The Carpet-Layers Dilemma

2009-07-09T23:52:00.004-04:00

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he couldn't find his cigarettes. He checked all his pockets, then, looking back across the room, he saw a tell-tale lump under the freshly laid carpet.

"Aw jeez. Not again!" Then, figuring there was no sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes, he pulled out his hammer and flattened the hump with one blow.

As he was collecting his tools, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found these in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my parakeet..."

Animal Crackers: An Exceptional Race Horse

2009-07-03T12:01:00.003-04:00

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE-OOP!' really loudly, right in the horse's ear. Provided you do that, you'll be fine.'' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad, but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee-oop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''Fine, I'll do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

After the race, the trainer strides over, fuming, and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse! What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

Animal Crackers: Henry and Jasper go shopping

2009-06-26T06:00:00.003-04:00

Henry, a blind man, walks into a grocery store with Jasper, his seeing-eye dog at his side.

They walk to the middle of the store. Henry reaches down, picks Jasper up by the tail, and slowly starts swinging the dog around and around in circles over his head, like a cowboy with a lasoo.

The store manager, quite alarmed by this, comes hurrying over and asks, "Can I HELP you, sir?"

Henry turns and nonchalantly replies, "No thanks. Just lookin' around."

Free: Keep Out/ Do Not Disturb sign

2009-06-22T14:48:00.010-04:00

Sometimes it's hard to get others to take your creative time seriously. ("You're just painting. Can't I watch?") So, I painted a sign for my door.

For all my fellow-artists out there trying to find time in which to concentrate and make great stuff, here's a link to the free download:

Here it is in French

Here it is in English

Enjoy and share.

Cranky Crab Keep Out sign by Belinda Darcey is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Canada License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at www.dolcedesign.com.

Animal Crackers: The Parrot and the Burglar

2009-06-19T06:00:00.005-04:00

A burglar breaks into a house and starts looking around for stuff to steal. He's about to grab some valuables. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up:

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room.
Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who squawks again,

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

The parrot replies, "Maybe,but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

Animal Crackers:The Frog and the Fortune Teller

2009-06-12T06:00:00.001-04:00

A frog goes to the fair and decides to consult the fortune teller.

She gazes into her crystal ball, and her eyes widen.

"What? What is it? Tell me what you see," begs the frog.

"I see... I see a beautiful maiden," she whispers.

"Ooh, wonderful! Go on, go on," he cries.

"She will take a passionate interest in you... "

"Really??! ME? Are you sure?! "

"Oh yes. She will want to know everything about you."

"Ooh! That's fantastic!" he cries, hopping around the tent with excitement. "When will I meet her?"

"Tomorrow at 2pm"

"Where, where?!" he squeals.

"In her biology class."

How to Ride a Bike to Work and Arrive Looking (and Smelling) Like a Rose.

2009-05-25T11:17:00.003-04:00

I love the idea of Bixi, Montreal's new public bike system for commuters. But no-one's really talking about the social barriers, i.e. the issues associated with arriving at the average corporate workplace with sweaty under-arms, messed-up hair and rumpled clothing.

Obviously, the boss want healthy, energized workers and commuting by bicycle is a great way to achieve that. On the other hand, there's an expectation that workers will arrive at work groomed, sweet-smelling, and client-presentable. This is not about to change. Employees know this, and may fear their careers will suffer if they commit a hygiene faux pas. So, how to manage?

Sure, you can attempt a quick tissue wipe and re-application of deodorant in the bathroom and hope for the best, but managing the more reliable washcloth/soap/new-shirt-and-undies is a bit trickier. What if your boss walks in mid-swipe? Or a junior colleague? Or a client? And how on earth are you going to transport a wrinkle-free change of clothes or a suit jacket? Hook the coat-hanger over the handle-bars?? Not to mention heels or dress shoes. What's a corporate slave to do?

Perhaps office buildings of the future will provide discreet entrances and bathrooms located near the bike racks that include a shower stall and lockers. Until that utopia arrives, here are some tips on how to bicycle to work and arrive ready for that client meeting:

Personal Mini-Pack
1) Carry a small supply of pre-moistened towelettes. Suggestion: Seventh Generation's healthy version of Baby Wipes. Encourage your company to provide these on-site in the bathrooms: a small expense for a large benefit for all, I'm sure we can all agree.
2) Pack a travel-size under arm and foot deodorant, mild or scent-free, if you wish to avoid smelling as if you just showered in cologne. Maybe some smart company will eventually market a compact package that combines a moist towelette with a separate packet of gel deodorant. Until then, you'll have to make do.
3) A comb
4) An extra pair of undies and socks, plus a clear zip-lock baggie for used socks and undies.
This should all fit in a small zip bag. Sound like a gym bag pack? Guess what, it is.

Riding Gear
5) A neutral, classic knee-length trench coat is perfect for those cool early morning and evening commutes, and will come in handy when there's a sudden burst of rain. (Notice I said 'when' not 'if'...) The tough fabric will also protect you in case of a fall, or a careless car splash, and will keep a frisky skirt under control. Look for one with a zip-out flannel lining, and low arm holes for maximum range of movement, or -- better yet -- arm-pit vents that zip/velcro shut.
6) A dark silk or cotton scarf in a pocket will keep you warm at night without weighing you down, and will soak up extra sweat at your destination.
7) Loose pant legs are a serious riding hazard. And don't even THINK of tucking your pants into your socks. Please. You will look like a clown and you'll stretch out your socks. Find some dark velcro reflective ankle strips at the bike store, or wrist coil keychains, and wrap one around each ankle. This will preserve the crease in your dress pants. Not to mention your dignity. Snow gaiters are excellent if it's raining.
8) Swap that purse or briefcase for a stylish leather back-pack organizer or dark canvas bike messenger style lap-top carrier. You need your hands and arms free for hand-signals, remember?
9) Find a pair of comfy, flat, groovy sneakers (e.g. Campers). Dark colors will blend best with most suits. You may need to navigate the lobby, elevator and corporate corridor en route to your desk. Do you really want to encounter the VP and a client looking like a newspaper delivery boy? Make sure the tops squish down so they'll fit easily in your backpack.
10) Fit your new riding shoes with a pair of charcoal Odor-Eaters. You'll thank me later when they're under your desk.

At the Office
11) From now on, your good jacket(s) stays at work, either on a coat hook or over the back of your chair. (Bonus: colleagues may think you're still there.) Use a drycleaner near the office for these.
12) Ditto for high heels and dress shoes: keep them under the desk or tucked in a drawer.
13) Plan on replacing 100% cotton with wrinkle-resistant fabrics (can you say "touch of lycra"?). These will unroll beautifully and fit your body more closely, resulting in a crisper, more polished looked. Dressy t-shirts that hug the body are ideal and look effortless under a smart jacket.

How it Works
Upon arrival at work, head straight to the nearest bathroom, backpack in hand. Perform mini-towelette hokey-pokey routine. (Yes, in private! Would you want to see a colleague attending to their armpits? I didn't think so.) Try to find a handicap-accessible stall, as these will give you more room to maneuver. If changing your shirt, wait as long as possible to pull on the fresh one in order to allow your core to cool down or you'll just sweat right through the clean one. Do NOT use your old shirt as a towel -- you may want to wear it again for the ride home. Changing socks and undies at this time will make you feel extra fresh. (I'm just saying...) Exit stall and check hair and make-up. Note: ladies, mascara is best applied after a ride as wind will make your eyes water.

Back at your desk, stash your helmet, swap your shoes and your jacket. Grab a cold juice or soy milk (you won't need a coffee). Feeling calm, happy and refreshed, greet your colleagues with that marvelous self-satisfied grin.

P.S. Do not attempt multi-tasking like this guy.

10 Ways To Keep Your Precious Twitter Followers

2009-05-19T16:28:00.000-04:00

This is one of the best articles I've seen on how not to mess up a good thing: 10 Ways To Keep Your Precious Twitter Followers

How to get started with Twitter

2009-04-28T12:27:00.000-04:00

Not sure where to begin?

1. Read Wikipedia's page on twitter to understand the big picture.

2. Read this excellent article on how to enter the Twitter-verse. Decide on your strategy.

3. Sign up for a free twitter account. Hint: you might want to use an anonymous email address and username to begin. You can always delete it later. But DO set up an additional account using your real name or company name, even if you're not using it at first. You'll see why later.

4. Search twitter for friends, celebs, brands, news services that you'd like to Follow. Add them to your profile.

That's enough to get started.

Social Networking Rule # 1

2009-04-25T11:42:00.000-04:00

Rule #1: Be nice: anything you say can and will be held against you.

Posting on a social network like twitter or facebook is akin to chatting at a party or in a café. Be aware that others can hear what you're saying. That's the point of a social network. Act accordingly.

Assume others can and will repeat what they hear. To anyone. If you're participating in a discussion with people in your professional field, behave as you would at an office cocktail party. Don't say anything about someone else or a company that you wouldn't say to their face. Example of twitter disaster by an ad agency, about 2 weeks ago.

Never assume that your conversation is completely private. There are occasional security breaches/errors on any network, so this rule also applies to anything you type/add, even with full privacy settings on.

That said, if you're friendly, helpful and responsive, you have nothing to fear. Enjoy your new contacts.

50 New Ways To Leave Your Lover

2009-04-23T15:00:00.000-04:00

50 (NEW) WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER

A new ditty for these crazy times. Apologies to Paul Simon. (Please don't sue me.)

The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
The answer is easy if you use technology
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There are now fifty ways to leave your lover...

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning wont be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty new ways to leave your lover
Fifty new ways to leave your lover...

Send her a tweet, Pete
Click an email, Cael
No need to hold back, Jack
Just get yourself free

Yeah, erase his JPEG, Meg
From your facebook, Brooke
Just ping an IM, Clem
And get yourself free.

________________

Send me more verses!

Best Online Tools for Virtual Web Teams

2009-03-27T18:16:00.000-04:00

A quick roundup of the most useful web-based tools for designers and developers, as debated at a NEWDA (New England Web Developers Association) gathering last night:

skype
freeconferencecall.com
basecamp
campfire
harvest
box.net
glance.net
google docs

For vetting potential co-workers and maintaining better (emotional) connection:
Linkedin
facebook
twitter
individual blogs

A video of the evening's presentation, "Using Web Tools to Build Virtual Teams" will soon be available on the NEWDA site as presented by Jonathon Follett, of Hot Knife Design, an insightful contributor to A List Apart.

Daydream Believers

2008-11-11T12:46:00.004-05:00

What should you look for in any potential employee these days? Assuming you have several candidates with similar qualifications, try these:

1) Demonstrable, insatiable curiosity. (" You've been where? You've done what?")

2) Healthy ego, self-motivated, ambitious ("You want my job? Next year? Fantastic.")

3) Emotional maturity (no fear of saying: "Sorry", "I made a mistake", "I need help", "I dropped the ball")

Seth Godin expands on points 1 and 2 in today's blogpost on what he looks for in a marketer. Unfortunately, such characteristics are extremely rare. They've been beaten out of most people by years spent studying and/or working in regimented environments. Businesses have been focused on production since the industrial revolution. Obedient workers with uniform skills were required for successful mass production. But now production is being automated and outsourced.

Now we need the complete opposite. We need more imagineers. We need people who instinctively question the way things have always been done, who have developed skills that are unique and specialized, who can see alternatives and gray areas. People whose unusual life choices and resumés clearly demonstrate their capacity to think outside the box because they live outside the box.

Many North American businesses are fighting to survive in the face of intense global competition. Mediocre offerings don't stand a chance. The only way out is a spectacular, bold, confident leap of faith. That requires minds that are capable of thinking, not just doing.

iContact versus Constant Contact

2008-11-06T17:59:00.000-05:00

Here's an update to the very popular post I wrote a year ago about my in-depth comparison of the two most popular email marketing services. Basically, I wanted to compare iContact to ConstantContact.

I'm happy to report that iContact is now # 1 according to the 2008 report by Top Ten Reviews. So now there's really no reason not to go with them. More importantly, I'M still very happy with them.

Give me 5 mins, get a free latte.

2008-10-22T11:24:00.000-04:00

What if Starbucks (or Borders or anyplace that sold fancy-pants coffees) offered a way to provide free lattes to their fans who may no longer be able to afford their daily fix?

Imagine a corner of the coffee lounge converted (as needed) to a "Give us 5 minutes, get a free latte" space. One at a time, marketers could set up a simple trade-show booth display and conduct sample testing/focus groups/surveys with willing volunteers that fit their demographic. Five minutes in exchange for a $5 coffee. Hey, if you're in there anyway, and you've got 5 minutes to spare, why not?

LOGISTICS
Sure, the store could use a simple drink ticket system: the marketer hands the consumer a ticket after they've participated, which the consumer then exchanges for a coffee, and the barista later tallies for a bill that the marketer pays at the end of their session. This would keep it simple and flexible (time-wise). But better yet, a sticker like the kind used for admission at museums, marked on the back with the date and marketer's signature, that says something like "I scored a free latte at ______(insert name of store)" would further promote the store, while also advertising the wearer's resourcefulness to friends and colleagues. The store's website could offer an instant alert via RSS feature for volunteers depending on what demographics they register under ("Free latte alert: Rosie's Cookies and Cakes is holding a taste-testing and survey at our Main Street store from noon to 1pm.")

COST
Assuming each volunteer cost the marketer the most expensive drink in the house, it's still a lot cheaper than the $20 - $50 an hour that they pay individuals to attend focus groups, not to mention a lot easier to organize and manage.

WIN-WIN-WIN
It's a win-win-win: free lattes during hard times; increased foot traffic to the stores, not to mention free press and lots of word-of-mouth; and an easy way for entrepreneurs and small businesses to test their products and services on remarkably willing test-subjects.

JUST SAY NO
How do you say No to willing participants that don't fit the demographic? Easy: a pre-registration form (online, which can be accessed at any in-store terminal) where they declare their various consumer preferences and categories. This is automatically matched to whatever the marketer has checked off and the result is either "Yes, come on down!" Or "Sorry, we have no matches for you today. Please try again soon."

Somebody please take this idea and use it. I want a free latte, dammit.

iPhone G3 and Canadian phone service plans

2008-06-11T10:18:00.001-04:00

I've been reading comments on an article at the Globe and Mail site speculating about the price of phone plans for the new iPhone G3 due out in July. Lots of moaning about how high the service charges will be, with no thought to the root of the problem. To clarify:

1) phone service providers are not subsidizing the iPhone. They are no longer required to share revenue with Apple. Apple has gone back to just selling the hardware/software, in the hopes of accelerating global sales and thus becoming the world's most popular mobile gadget.

2) Apple has no control over what phone service providers will charge. They will leave that up to the market to decide. Only time will tell what people are willing to pay.

3) Canada's protectionist laws will ensure that Canadians will always pay a higher price via domestic monopolies, than other countries with active international free-trade agreements. Fear of being swallowed/pummelled by foreign competition keeps Canada from participating fully in its free trade agreements. ("Yes, please buy our Canadian exports, but no, no, you can't compete with us at the same price on our home turf. We must insist on slapping high import tariffs on your goods so that the playing field is tilted in favor of our own goods here at home, because we're just not sure we'd survive otherwise.") So Rogers, Bell, etc enjoy a sweet monopoly on domestic markets, with no real fear of international competition.

Until Canada realizes and believes that their products and services are capable of being world-class, they will continue to cling to protectionism. Unfortunately, globalization is unstoppable. It's only a matter of time before the tsunami of competition hits. There are already signs of leaks in the dam: Skype has found a way to circumvent the tariffs. It's called VoIP. And they now offer mobile phones with roaming capabilities (i.e. buy a phone and plan in London, use it in Canada for potentially less than a Rogers/Bell deal). You can tweet and text using Skype. Other technologies will soon follow.

The law cannot keep up with tech innovation, so the only way to survive is to jump into the fray and compete, head to head, with other countries. What are we afraid of? If we can live through harsh winters, surely we can kick some British butt.