When I got my start as a portrait photographer in 2005, it was largely due to the fact that my self portraits were popular on sites like deviantART and MySpace. My online alias was ‘Ursylla’ back then. I actually remember being terrified to reveal my actual identity, but also had an affinity for staying as mysterious as possible in real life, too.

I never really wanted to be a portrait photographer, or I guess it was more that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with photography. Portrait photography seemed more attainable than other avenues, even though I spent the vast majority of my time editing and making photo manipulations post-session. I was 25 then.

Here I am at the age of 42 just now realizing how I want to use my insane sea of hundreds of thousands of photos (and counting). Thankfully, stock photographers exist in the world to help me out, because I’ve taken on an obsession with mixed media illustrations where I often begin with photographs and weave in drawing, and digital painting.

But let’s not leave out the fact that I also write. A lot. So what the heck, and how do I make this work? I’ve wondered that for years, and now I’ve retired from portrait photography for good as of two years ago. Kind of.

I still plan on making images that I can use in illustrations, for book covers, etc. Other than that, I do not consider myself “a photographer.” Artist titles can get tricky these days because there is so much technological overlap. So I’ve landed on “mixed media illustrator.” I like it. It fits.

At the core of my soul, I’m a writer. I see stories in everything, I write poetry ongoing, and have since I was pretty young... probably 10 years old. And I love everything I’m doing. I don’t think art has limitations unless you put those limitations onto yourself, however I think practicing consistently helps you refine what it is you’re actually creating. You have to hate what you’re creating once in awhile. You have to be confused and wonder why you can’t stop making things even though you have no idea what you’re trying to do.

One day it clicks, and you just know. This happened to me recently. So I’m going to keep going and make whatever I want to. Whatever comes to me. You can only reach that conclusion if you’re making things you really hate... because that’s a sign you’re practicing. You’ll figure out what doesn’t fit and start leaning into what does. I promise you.

I had been wanting to make a self portrait for at least 2 years. Maybe longer. But the photos weren’t satisfying to me. Last fall I started making theme every day for a few weeks, but I couldn’t bring myself to post them. Last week I realized why. I want to turn them into something more... something less photograph and more dream. So this is my first attempt at REALLY, really making something I wanted to.

I hope you all love the book! I’ve also attached the campaign video.

No more nightmares,

No more rumination.

Then, lastnight I dreamed

Of tulips blooming

Down Ohio backroads

In December

This is the kind of dream you remember

Today, the last day of the year

My senses became clear,

I drove to the country

Just to stand in stillness

To revere the hills with a kiss

And cast away my illness

As darkness fell

I called out from my heart

For God to heal this

A spark of inner knowing, when I feel this!

Something shifted, change is coming, elusive realness

Note: consciousness is where your lucid dreams live

Being at Highlands Nature Sanctuary makes you feel like you haven’t yet grown up, and if you’re a child, well, I can imagine never wanting to leave. I pondered staying forever a time or two ;)

The trails are beautiful, with satisfying views everywhere you look. Supposedly the spring and summer wildflowers are prolific; the site is a showy home for an impressive range of species in our state.

Since our visit, the story of Peter Pan continues to play in my mind. This is the exact thing that happened when I got the idea for Lacey Lou and the Ocean Blue… the vision of an orange fluttering speck traversing a vast blue surround turned into an absolute obsession. If this has ever happened to you, I’d encourage you to let your heart hold on and explore more: the why’s, the possibilities, and especially the greater vision that could be tugging at you.

This morning I took some time researching Peter Pan things, and goodness — I had forgotten just how much the story and its imagery impacted me as a child, and then again as an adult with its reimagined versions (Hook, Peter Pan and Wendy).

We are conditioned to believe, for some reason, that growing up means leaving behind the dreamy, playful, imaginative side of being alive. But there is great reward in being alive when you dream, and play, and imagine. Must we be so serious and refined, so poised and perfectly prestigious, so serious and professional… just because we are grown?

Of course there is a marked difference between immaturity and imaginativeness… between oblivion and conscious playfulness. In contemplating this, I realize that many people I admire have figured this out.

Consider this: when you were a child, you housed the same spirit who is still living inside of you this very moment.

Had you forgotten?

Let me help you remember. Here is a look at some stunning pieces of imagery used to promote the Disney films some years ago. The number of people involved in the making of these films and images is impossible to list here, yet I encourage you to take some time to explore the creators.

I’ll be taking some time out of my schedule this week to study the films and imagery. Looking forward to watching them and sharing more insight. Could this be the start of a new idea? I can’t tell just yet.

Hope you enjoyed this post! Are you a Peter Pan fan? I’d love to hear about the ways in which this story became a part of your life.

Bella.

The kink in the plan was, I’d left that book at home in the office, and children’s picture books were all I’d brought along. To look at children’s books in such a dreary setting didn’t fit the aesthetic, so I grabbed my coffee and stood beneath the morning, snapping photos with my trusty half-charged iPhone. Decent enough images for a social media post, I thought, although I’ve been a little distant on social networks this year (again).

I continued to stare at the dreamy scene in fromt of me, and imagined a kaleidoscope of monarch butterflies fluttering above the bridge. Right then that I realized: I’m like this all the time. Always seeing a story in everything. Always. Just so happens that my current fixation is with monarchs. Why, then, would I post a phone snapshot to social networks instead of exploring this vision further, perhaps turning it into a work of art? Well, sharing whatever we’re doing is the mental fixation of the century, and we’ve all been entranced by its trickery a time or ten.

But if you’re always doing something a certain way, even if it’s visioning things or mentally altering what you see in front of you, isn’t there some value to that? Isn’t there something inherently special about the way one’s own mind works?

I visited Pinterest following this whole escapade to browse word definitions. (Speaking of escapade, I adore that word, and have had the song by Janet Jackson in my head for probably a month straight). I used to have a thesaurus, and I’d make word lists of unique words to use in my poems. Now I get on Pinterest to do these word search adventures although, I prefer turning the pages of a nice, large thesaurus (and highlighting every unusual word that catches my eye). It’s oddly satisfying.

Anyway, you ever get on Pinterest to look up beautiful words? If not, I highly recommend it. It’s one of the best ways to ramp up the corners of your conceptual mind, and expanding your vocabulary is always a plus.

The word ‘nefelibata’ popped out at me this morning, and its definition is: “cloud walker; one who lives in the clouds of their imagination or dreams.” Perfect! Not sure I’d use the word in a sentence. But the phrase “cloud walker” will stick with me forever. It’s just so good.

Thanks for spending a moment with me today, see you again soon! If you’re having coffee, cheers ;)

Bella.