Bella Butterfly

The Man In My Life

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 01:55:00 +0000

Well, the little man in my life. My nephew Keagan today. He and his little curly mop top were ever so sweet today. He's the only guy that can make me smile from ear to ear right now and make me forget my issues and nuisances for a moment in time. If only everyone could love unconditionally and honestly as this little guy, life would be great. Xoxo Kman, Auntie Bella loves you.

Rough

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 06:32:00 +0000

Well the last few months have not been ideal. I definitely think I can weather a good storm and have in the past. But this time around I feel just worn and beaten up.

Now before I continue I realize I have my sister and nephew in my life and a good job good friends. I just feel like I'm being persecuted a bit.

2 months ago a part of me died a bit when someone I implicitly trusted with my heart walked away from me after holding a part of it. That's been a 7 year struggle of emotion and affection for me. And I have to tell myself its over even though its not out of my system. It probably never honestly will be.

Shortly before then I had a near miss of a tragic accident on the freeway when my tire blew next to a truck on the interstate. I found out I fractured my foot last month, walking around in this crazy boot for several more weeks. Pain and discomfort has been a minimal, but it's been a nuisance. I had a 3 day hospital stay unexpectedly. It was determined I was ok, but scared while I was there and how I got there.

Family: well we know I'm still missing my Nana and Papa. It's been a year since my father and I spoke. He knows why... I surely don't. It feeds into my separation anxiety issues I have. But again no one seems to care, except my sister. While that frustration and confusion festers, I found out another family member is sick. Our family tight enough we are supporting each other.

So I just complained about all of this. I just spilled this out in hopes to feel even again at some point. I spilled these things because I was tired of them being "spilled" on me.

I just want something to go my way. But it's been a rough go at things. I'm tired and just want to be taken care of. No more "Marvin's Room" hand just "Take Care.

Despite all these things i duck and dodge when I can. I'm just tired. Some times Bella's spark is dim.

I need some extra light.

Bella

Bella Business in Cali

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 02:17:00 +0000

Well went to the Bay area last week on business for my job. I did some training and researched 2 DeVry University campuses. I was hoping not to fall in love with it. But the sunshine, people and job possibilities left my options open. Why not, don't have too much else going for me lol. But here s a peek at what I experienced.

I Got to See My Family Faves

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 17:23:00 +0000

I have had a sucking last few weeks. Nothing really had gone my way. Yesterday my family was in town and doing well. So I pulled out my cameras and took what I could.

This is what makes me happy anymore.

Love to all that support me.

Bella

Card I Made About Keagan

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 17:04:00 +0000

5x7 Folded Card

View the entire collection of cards.

I got some cards for Shutterfly for a good price. I made these about Keagan and planning to send them out!! You know i heart the nephew!

My Baby Cuzzo Graduates from GA State

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Sun, 08 May 2011 16:23:00 +0000

BACK to ATL for my cousin's graduation from Georgia State. She is my little cousin and I love her dearly. Of course I spoiled her because that's what I've always done. She got spoiled from lots of others too! I gave her a BIG GIRL's sippie cup aka a Tiffany & Co. champange glass and a necklace. She got some Coach swag and Aunt Toni gave her an iPad. So thrilled you did it Tiff. On to graduate school!

Lots of Love from ATL.

Bella

Pizza Hut with the Nephew

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 18:00:00 +0000

It's my nephew K-MAN!!!!! I missed him so much!

We had some pizza with Ember my sis and kicked it for a bit.

Big Kiss lil man, auntie Bella loves ya!

Fun Times

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 21:08:00 +0000

Short North a few weeks ago - trying new thangs and eats...

We kept it moving throughout the city all night ~

In the words of young breezy:

"I don't see how you can hate from outside the club, you can't even get in... hahaaaa!"

Kisses n Beatdowns-

~~The Hills~~

Bella

WORDS

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 15:32:00 +0000

SAFE AUTO Commerical Flash mob. I'm In It!??!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 17:28:00 +0000

OMG. My cousin told me I was in this youtube clip/video for SafeAuto. OMG. She was right. I'm one of the surprised shoppers, looking at hot mess shopping with Jamal. I'm in it at the 2:22min mark till the end! HI-LARIOUS! November, 2010. I know you can't see the box, but just press play at below, it will start. Still in shock. I was a Safe Auto customer years ago for sometime, so I guess it comes full circle. LOL

RE-POST; My Papa

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 16:48:00 +0000

This is a re-post from 2005 about my Papa. He died a year ago this coming January. College basketball season is in full swing and I miss him. RIP Papa. Go Duke...

My grandfather is the coolest. He listens to me talk about crazy stuff. He comes and picks me up on a regular basis to take me to First Watch downtown for lunch. He orders his usual: the greek salad add chicken NO BLACK OLIVES - or 'them black thingys' as he says. Papa is my unconditional Duke buddy. He loves Duke more than OSU! Last year at the OSU football game he screams Go Blue Devils instead of Go Bucks. He didn't care. He's the only dude in my life to call me up and tell me to come over because he's got lunch ready for me and the Duke game is coming on. That's pretty flippin' sweet if you ask me. So here's to the up coming college basketball season that's about to start and here's to my grandfather: Papa. You rock.

I'm a buckeye fan

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 21:45:00 +0000

I like Buckeye football, what can I say?! Click on the Title and see a video i made. Random.

Weekendfest 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 05:44:00 +0000

Another Year, another collection of great people...

love ya'll...

Bella

OUT OF TOWN

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 22:41:00 +0000

Loss

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 16:48:00 +0000

So I haven't been really philosophic with y'all lately. Maybe I should get back at that. I think it's been because I was fearing the people that read this blog the most would see my true feelings and it would offend. Years ago that was my only wish. The re-occurring theme with all of this though, is loss.

I started this blog 5 years ago because of a loss I experienced. It was an easy way to swim through my pain and sarcastically talk about really what was on my mind. Yes, as I filled that void of loss I gained a fuller aspect of life: Love from old and new friends. Love from my family who could relate to my pain on the screen. It was liberating. I found posting was a great way of silent revenge, displaying my life was going good, living well. In turn, I made an online memory book that I can reflect on when I'm feeling down.

So today, at the end of 2010, I am dealing with loss again. Reflecting on the obvious loss I've experienced in 15 months, Paul Casey, Grandfather - June 2009; JoAnne Bell, Grandmother - November 2009; John Bell, Grandfather - 2010, Julia Casey, Grandmother - October 2010. Those names vanishing from my life currently, mess with me. Wanting to call them but no one to answer - devestating at times. But what about the other feelings of loss. The superficial loss of friends due to circumstances, attitudes, wants, misunderstandings and disagreements. No, I'm not a difficult person to get along with, or at least I don't think so. People change and want different things. But recently it seems as if people want a lot for themselves.

Dare I say it? Selfish. Yeah, I did.

I've had to come to remind myself that people do what's good for them, rarely what's good for others. It's the art of pleasing oneself that these people I seem to know are skilled in. Now, if I do that, it's unacceptable.

...

If I were to shut down and not call a close family member or friend intentionally for weeks to months on end, I would be the bad guy. An ugly email or conversation would follow.

If I were to "play" multiple guys at the same time without any of them knowing about one another in an effort to see how far I could go, or if I could receive a better offer from one of them I'd be called all sort of names. My reputation would plummet, never to return.

If I were to make promises of plans with friends and tell them to hold time for me, make dinner because I'm coming and were to never show up or follow up, better yet, to show up after the food is cold and need to leave early after they went out of their way, I'd be a villian. Never to be invited again.

If I were dumb-down, ignore friends and family when they speak their mind, defend themselves or speak for what they believe to be true, or speak about something their excited about, I'd be insensative and ignorant. Not valued as a friend or confidant.

So why is it okay for me to take this type of attitude from everyone else?

...

Unconditionally, those 4 people who died this past year, were people I knew would treat me how I strived to treat the ones around me each day. I miss that.

So the training wheels are off, what do I do? I don't have Papa who will stop everything to listen to the story about the biggest day of my professional career. Or Nana to hear about how the man I thought I was in love with fell off the face of the earth to date a big headed girl with bad weave. Or Grandma Casey to hear about the story of how my crush keeps telling me he's dating the girl of his dreams...
Yes, I pray to God everyday.

But the human aspect? I feel lately I'm losing in that game. I'm sliding on the Billboard Charts with some of my dear friends. But who's counting right?

I'm trying to fill my days with things that matter. By giving of my time and love till it hurts. But I'm tired. I'd rather be selfish sometimes. Let someone do for me - and I'm not talking materially.
I want a dog. Thinking that would help with the loss where the giving of me can't.

I believe a change will have to again come.

A change within me, because no one else is going to change. What that means, no sure. But stay tuned.

I'm tired of losing.

Bella

RIP Grandma Casey

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 20:29:00 +0000

We miss you already. Till we have Champagne again!

Bella

This Woman's Work

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 20:28:00 +0000

Good Times with New and Old Friends

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 19:50:00 +0000

This is was fun. Good time at the Social Room downtown. A few old friends and several new friends joined in the festivities a few weeks ago. More pics after the jump...

Randal Enz and Bella

On the rooftop

Me and Chez looking for "Tre" LOL

It was an intimate night with some friends I usually don't chill with. Great memorable time. Never to be duplicated quite the same! We popped bottles and Dougied all night.

Love,

Bella

Bella Around Town

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 18:24:00 +0000

(614) Magazine Event at Eleven

Bella and the Buckeye Man on Woody Hayes Dr.

on the way to the OU vs. OSU game.

Danni B and Bella

with HOMAGE "O" rahrags

My new friend Leslie at the Shoe for the game

The Book I Made for Abbie

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 16:14:00 +0000

Click here to view this photo book larger

End of Summer...

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 19:47:00 +0000

Well, summer is winding down. Me and the sis Emz took some time and visited Kings Island. I'm getting too old for amusment parks! LOL But looking back a year ago, so many things were different. Good and not so good. There were people in my life I thought would be around for a long time, and there were people that weren't that I had no clue about that would be entering in the future. Today some of the people I was so very close to, their presence is few and far bewteen if any at all. What a difference a year makes. The stuggle here going forward is, will I be able to get through this winter with the memories of last year without those ones who are nowhere to be found?

We shall see...

Bella

2 Weekends Ago!

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 20:41:00 +0000

Convention

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 21:00:00 +0000

Pooltime with the Nephew K-Man!

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 21:18:00 +0000

Raemi's All Growed Up!

noreply@blogger.com (Bella) — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 17:50:00 +0000

My lil chica-girl is grown now! Graduated last weekend. Spent time with her and her family this weekend. Congrats girl, love you!

Bella