Belle of the Desert

Taking a Turn

2019-06-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

Hello world!

I will be taking this blog in a new direction in the future. I will be using it to promote mental health awareness and body acceptance. These are two issues that are close to my heart and that I feel compelled to write about. I hope that my experiences will help others to live their best lives, as I strive to live mine.

[photo cred]

I am a 39 year old small business owner. I am single right now, have no children and have never been married. I have struggled with chronic anxiety & depression for as long as I can remember. I had my first panic attack that I can vividly recall when I was 5 years old. They became a normal thing throughout my life. A few years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder. Throughout my years of therapy and doctors, I've been diagnosed with PTSD also and a super (not at all) fun thing called dysthymic disorder, which basically means that you live with a chronic, constant, low grade depression... for YEARS.

In addition to mental issues, I've also battled my weight my entire life. The two are related to, at least in part. I also have PCOS, which makes losing weight extremely hard for me. It has some other crappy side effects but I'll spare you the gory details. I've spent my days thus far putting life on hold until I was thinner. Everything I tried to do, I was told I couldn't do because I was fat. Or I should wait until I lost some weight... I was never good enough, because I'm fat... "I'll date when I'm thin... I'll wear that outfit when I'm thin... I'll go on that vacation when I'm thin..."

I bought into what people were telling me. I've missed out on so much, I'm tired of living like that! I will no longer put my life on the back burner because I'm fat. I will no longer try to appear to be small to avoid scorn. Why should I? It's making no one but me miserable. I'm going to start fully living my life, fat or not, in the body that I have right now & I no longer care if people don't like it. I've missed out on too much. I've sold myself short too much. It stops now.

4 years ago I went after my dream, left my safe hospital job and started a horse riding school. I'm a fat woman working in an industry that looks firmly down on overweight people. I'm frequently labeled as no good at what I do by people who have never met me, just because I'm fat. I'm going to succeed in this life anyway.

Care to join me?

Brought to You by... Insomnia!

2016-06-29T02:53:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I should get back to blogging on these nights when insomnia keeps my brain from allowing my body to sleep.
Tonight, along with many, many other things - I have music on the brain. Do you not love Adele's ENTIRE album? I mean, it's just good. Love her...

And also... HAVE YOU HEARD THIS?!?!? I nearly crapped my pants it's so good.

I haven't been blogging nor have I been keeping up on my blog reading. Shame on me! Send me links to some of your favorite posts you've written so I can see some of what I've been missing as I try to get back into the blog-o-sphere.

HI!!!

2014-03-18T02:27:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a year!

Didya miss me? Huh? Didya?

Did ya'll even notice? Nah. Probably not. I won't apologize for my absence because the fact is - I went out and got a life. Not much time for bloggin'. But I miss it so I need to make time!

But what I wanted to tell ya'll - is that Shamelia has started a revolution...

I now have 3 horses total. Long story... But the important thing that I want to share is that I'm happier than I have ever been. I still have some major things going on but the one thing I've missed for 15 years, the only thing I've ever truly had a passion for - Arabian Horses - are back in my life & that's monumental. I hope I never have to live passionless again...

Shamelia

2013-07-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

I'd like to introduce you all to the newest member of my family, Shamelia. She's my new purebred Arabian mare. For those of you who have known me for a while, you already know how much I love horses and how the first part of my life was dedicated to them. Well, I'm back. And Shamelia is my new pride and joy!

So without further ado, meet Shamelia....

{photo cred}

Shamelia is by S-Shah Bask, out of NV Araddinn.

Her pedigree reads like a Who's Who of Arabian horses!

Shamelia's full sister Shahamia (pictured below) is a Canadian Reserve National Champion Mare.

{photo cred}

Greatness runs in the family, below is a picture and video of Shamelia's "nephew", Shahamia's son Exclusive Psy.

The nephew in action...

What a difference a pill makes...

2013-05-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

I fought it... I didn't want to be on medication for the rest of my life. But what a difference being back on anti-depressants has made for me. I look back at some of the things I did and thought while I was off of them and damn... I made bad choices. I did - and especially thought - some things that are completely out of character for me.

I'm happy to report that I am finally out of that depression hole I was in. My life isn't perfect - of course - but it doesn't feel completely hopeless anymore either. The sense of desperation that was haunting me over the state of my life is almost gone, and fading by the day. I no longer feel the urge to do something drastic in an attempt to change my life, like moving to another state. Again. The anxiety I felt about not being where I wanted to be at this point in my life is gone too - and I am able to recognize that I am doing things that will get me where I want to go. It just isn't going to happen overnight. I am fully capable of accomplishing all I want in this life - and I will.

Now it's time to get back to being Me. Strong minded, goal-oriented, always-goes-after-and-gets-what-she-wants Me. I am not depression, I am not anxiety. Those are things I have to deal with, but they don't define Me. I define Me - and I'm wonderful.

Can't there be some happiness for me? Not in Nottingham...

2013-04-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

You poor neglected blog readers... I'm sorry for my lack of posts. I'm a terrible blogger, really. I have not been feeling very inspired to write lately. Well that's not entirely true - I've had about a million things that I've wanted to blog about, but haven't really been able to form a coherent paragraph about any of them. My head is a wreck. I have about 10 post drafts that will likely never get posted. As for what's new in my life - everything and nothing. My main concern at the moment is My Moods. That's what this post is all about. I've been holding it in for so long, I just have to let it out...

People ask me why I choose to talk about such terrible topics on my blog. It makes me vulnerable, they say. "What will people think...?" Who cares? They're all crazy in their own little ways too. I've got the guts to talk about my crazy. I think it makes me brave - because I'm willing to tell you, God and everyone else that happens to stumble across this blog the things about me that aren't that pretty. We all have those parts of us. We'd likely be better off for exposing them. I find that talking about not-so-popular topics openly here in this space helps me reach the people out there who have no one to talk to. It helps my loved ones to understand me better - and it helps me to weed out the people in my life who I may value as better friends than they really are. (At least, those that take the time to read my blog, of course.) You see, the Fair Weather People go running when they find out that you have "issues". I am giving those people an easy out.

So here's the disclaimer:
This post is about Depression and other unstable moods. If you don't want to read it, you can just stop right now and move on to the next Facebook half-naked girl photo, blog hop, giveaway or money-saving tips blog post. If you'd prefer to learn a bit about the world from a depressed person's view, I invite you to read on... And if you have something you want to get off YOUR chest, please comment away!

I am moody. This comes as no surprise to those who have spent any large amount of time with me. But it's not the normal type moody everyone experiences. Mine is an entirely different type of moody. As a teenager I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. It only got worse as I grew into adulthood. As I approached my late twenties, an official Anxiety Disorder diagnosis was added into the mix. I have been on and off several anti-depressants and anxiety medications through-out the years. Inevitably, I get to a point where I want to stop taking medications. I stopped taking anti-depressants most recently back in November and have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. This is probably the worst it's ever been - and I've had my fair share of emotional roller coasters. Right now I can feel myself shutting down, I am absolutely no fun to be around. I have to force myself to care enough to go to work everyday.

It takes a continual, conscious, utterly exhausting effort on my part to keep from falling back into the black hole of deep depression. But if you know me, you might not know it. You see, I am brilliant at hiding from people. I spent the first large chunk of my life hiding my moods behind a fake smile. If you aren't paying close attention to what I do or say, you may miss it. I hide it because I don't want to talk about it. My Moods irritate me. I'm Up, I'm Down. One hour, one day, one week or one month I may be Up. It is much easier to do anything when I'm Up. But when the Down comes I move into far more complicated territory. (Hint: If you ever ask me how I'm doing and I say "fine", I'm really not "fine" at all. "Fine" is my code word for "I'm not ok but I'm not going to talk about it unless you make me".)

I am also a disordered eater. When I'm Down I over-eat, when I'm Up I typically under-eat. Working overtime and spending little time at home alone helps counter-act that - but it also contributes to a harder "crash" when the Up runs out. Far too much or far too little - like everything else in my life - food is either far over or under-consumed, depending on my Mood.

Right at this moment I am not exactly close to anyone, by proximity, emotionally, physically or otherwise. I talk to people at work, but I don't really let anyone into my own personal Little World. I don't invite people over - I live so far away from everything and everyone - they wouldn't come anyway. This is by my own design I suppose - even if it was something that I didn't really intend to do. Unconsciously I have spent the past several years blocking people out of my life and trying to deter them from wanting in. I have become somewhat reclusive. People think they know me, but really, they only know what I want them to know about me. And they only know that because I post stuff on Facebook (a lot) and my blogs (sometimes). My nearest friend - proximity wise - is at least 20 miles away. I don't know my neighbors.

I've been off the anti-depressants now for about 6 months and they have been some of the hardest months of my life. I don't want to go back on medication. Medications really only make life mildly tolerable - but tolerable at least. Last time things got worse on medications, that's why I stopped taking them. I started having regular panic attacks - when I'd only had them twice in my entire life. The doctor kept upping the dose and I keep falling further into the black. I can't keep going like this. Every single effort to do anything at all shouldn't feel like a terrible strain. I've been in counseling. I hated it. I have an appointment to talk to my doctor about trying a different medication... But perhaps I am simply ridiculously unhappy. There's no pill for that. And I have very few good reasons to be this ridiculously unhappy. So why am I?

Disclaimer 2: In case all of this sounds extreme and you're thinking I should be committed to the behavioral health hospital I work at, save your breath. I am not kill-myself crazy. I like being alive, it's just dealing with life that depresses me. People depress me, disappointments depress me. Unfortunately life is full of both. For some people, Ups outnumber the Downs... but I sure wish that was true for me.

Can't there be some happiness for me?
Not in Nottingham...

Old & New

2013-03-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

Her Hair!

2013-02-21T23:59:00.000-08:00

I love it!
I also thoroughly enjoyed the dancing in this video.

Life imitates art - or vice versa...

{via}

Perspective

2013-02-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

Perspective.

Sometimes we need a new one. I sure did today & it came in the form of a song - as it so often does. The verse and chorus I've quoted for you below hit me like a rock on the highway as I was driving home from work this morning.

Then all of the sudden, my problems began to seem so small.

It's so easy to get lost inside

a problem that seems so big at the time

it's like a river that's so wide

it swallows you whole

While you sit around thinking about what you can't change

and worrying about all the wrong things

time's flying by

moving so fast

you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand

What you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands

When you figure out - love is all that matters after all

It sure makes everything else...

Seem so small.

Current Obsession:

2013-02-03T18:14:00.001-08:00

{well - its morning to me at least. night shift - nuff said}
Current Obsession: P!nk's new album The Truth About Love I've always loved P!nk & her music - she's gotten me through some bad times and some good ones. I have to admit though - this album title boasts a hefty claim. The truth about love? I was hoping to gain some insight into the subject... I didn't.
Oh well.

Dear Spammers:

2013-01-31T18:41:00.001-08:00

STOP TRYING TO POST SHIT ON MY BLOG!!!

Man is that ever annoying. No. I will not post your comment with a link to your work from home, casino online, etc "blog". You get no free advertisements here. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

I'm sorry to my devoted readers - but I'm afraid I'm going to have to either stop allowing comments to be posted on my blog or do the damn CAPTCHA thing. Neither of those options please me. But these spammers are out of control. BLOW'in up my inbox, people. And every single one pisses me off. Which isn't good for my anxiety. So...

Oh look - as I was typing another one arrived!

GO TO HELL SPAMMERS!

I think...

2013-01-17T22:06:00.000-08:00

I think if I could have any job in the world, I'd want to be an old time Saloon Girl... Or maybe just play one in a movie. Yes, that sounds like a much better idea.

you should read this. yes - YOU.

2012-12-24T10:02:00.000-08:00

I never really know what exactly may come out of my fingers when I sit down to blog.

Most bloggers have a plan, they have notes or thoughts already formed for their posts before they even sit down. They have lists... I rarely do that. If I do have a plan or a thought - I forget it by the time I sit down to type it up. Or I forget where I put the list...

But sometimes when I sit down to post, something inspires me & the blogging part of my brain works with my fingers and types out a beautiful, sorrowful, depressing or joyous post. Or maybe my posts are entirely incoherent and it's just that none of you are telling me... But until you tell me differently, I'll say each post is a work of art. It flows like a river and I sit here and watch it unfold on my screen. Almost like a part of me disconnects and I'm on the outside watching.

It may touch someone with my words. Or maybe nobody even reads them anyway...

As I sat down to begin this particular post, it started out a little something like this:

"I'm working throughout the holidays this year - with only a brief 4 days off for a quick trip to California for some Niece Time before heading back to work on New Year's Eve. I get to ring in the new year at the Behavioral Health hospital - since I work the overnight shift... Should be good times! It feels weird having to work through the holidays, even though I've worked most of the holidays for years - I usually don't have to be away from my family for both Christmas and New Years.

I just don't feel very Christmas-y this year.

Maybe one day I'll have a normal job with normal hours. But I doubt it...

So in an attempt to conger up some Christmas Spirit..."

And then I was going to give you a joyous Christmas song. But instead I ran into this one. It's a favorite of mine. But I'd never really listened to it. I mean, listen - listened to it.

I never read the comments on YouTube videos either. They typically consist of things like "OMG!!!! I AM SO IN LOVE WITH JUSTIN BIEBER!!!" or some other completely ridiculous nonsense I don't care anything about...

But this morning - as I gnawed on a chicken wing for breakfast, unable to get a greasy finger free to click away from YouTube - my eyes fell upon this comment & it stopped me dead in my tracks:

And right at that moment I was overcome by emotions - both good and bad. Good emotions - as I remember how much I cherish being with my loved ones on Christmas.

The past few years I have spent Christmas Eve at my sister's house so that I can be there to see my niece's face when she first sees the presents stacked under the Christmas tree.

Bad emotions: I won't be there tomorrow morning and it feels absolutely terrible. I will be driving home from work - to a house full of sleeping dogs and a sleeping Senior Citizen as most families are sitting down to Christmas breakfast.

Lake is frozen over

Trees are white with snow

And all around

Reminders of you

Are everywhere I go

Before my family departed from our South Georgia home - a move that inadvertently changed our lives forever (how could it not?) - I'd spent the past few Christmas Eves at my best friend's house with her & her family. I have no children, Niece wasn't born yet and Christmas tends to lose a bit of it's magic when children aren't around.

It's been over 6 years since I've seen my best friends. The people I love and cherish the most are far away from me - and from each other. Which means I'll never be able to spend my holidays with all of them - together - again. I have my hockey friends here - but we have no hockey. We always celebrate the holidays together now - with hockey.

It's late and morning's in no hurry

But sleep won't set me free

I lie awake and try to recall

How your body felt beside me

Life changes, circumstances change, you have to leave behind people who are important to you. Sometimes the unimaginable happens - you lose a loved one, your parents split up, your world gets flipped over when you least expect it. Lock-outs cancel partial or entire hockey seasons.

When silence gets too hard to handle

And the night too long

And this is how I see you

In the snow on Christmas morning

Love and happiness surround you

As you throw your arms up to the sky

I keep this moment by and by

I cherish those Christmas mornings of the past. Christmas mornings that weren't lacking one of my parents, Christmas mornings when I was able to hug my niece or stay up late watching movies with my best friends. Holiday Hockey. There will be more memories...

Oh, how I miss you now, my love

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, my love

But today I find it difficult to shake the sadness. I have no kids, no husband, no family of my own. 99.9% of the time that doesn't really bother me too much - to be entirely honest. But at Christmas... My niece is typically a pleasant distraction. I don't have time to think about it, dwell on it, mention it in blog posts...

I feel stranded sometimes - out here in this desert - not really here but definitely not gone. I may not be able to shake this funk today - or tomorrow. I may just be sad this Christmas.

But I suppose that's OK.

Sense of joy fills the air

And I daydream and I stare

Up at the tree and I see

You're a star up there

I have my memories - and my future.

Shock & Horror.

2012-12-16T09:39:00.001-08:00

I started my 12 Days of Christmas Music postings... but now I don't feel much like posting Christmas music. The news of another mass shooting - this one in an Elementary school in a quiet Connecticut town that hadn't even seen a homicide in 10 years - has drained the Christmas spirit right out of my body. Which is nothing compared to what happened to those children and their teachers, principal & school psychologist. It's nothing compared to what their families will forever be reminded of every time the holiday season rolls around. The senseless loss of a daughter, a son, a wife, sister, brother, mother...

And for what - everyone keeps asking? Why did this young man kill his mother, take her guns & then take to a local elementary school & open fire? Shooting his victims several times each? That's not just murder - that's viscous intent. Viscous, malicious & every other word one could use to describe the unspeakable. Then to escape the consequences of his malicious attack, he turned the gun on himself. Leaving no chance for justice or closure for his victims' families. Everyone has started to point fingers - in search of an explanation:

"He was autistic. That must have caused him to lose it..." It's not likely. Violence isn't a side effect of his particular condition.

"He was withdrawn & strange as a teen. He didn't talk much... Those are the ones you have to worry about..." No - they're not. I'm quiet & withdrawn - always have been. But I have trouble killing a bug. I could never open fire on children. Or adults. Or even animals.

As a professional in the field of behavioral health I want to pull these grieving families aside & tell them to stop looking for the killer's motive. It won't help, it won't bring back their babies, wives or other loved ones lost in this tragedy. Furthermore - there's simply no excuse for it. There's no mental disorder, no past childhood experience, no abuse or neglect that should give a person reason enough to commit so heinous a crime. I want to tell them that I'm deeply sorry - because no one should have to deal with such a horrifying situation. I feel myself absorbing their grief - a side effect of my highly sensitive personality. Tragedies such as these cripple me - however far removed from the situation I may be.

I never want to see another professional football player jumping around after a Superbowl win screaming "WE SHOCKED THE WORLD, BABY!" No. You didn't. You're a professional football player playing on a major league team. Your goal is to win the Superbowl. You train for it relentlessly - day in & day out. Save that phrase for things like this. Things that don't - and hopefully won't - happen every year & be trained for & set as a goal far in advance. Superbowl wins don't shock me. Opening fire on classrooms of 6 year olds shocks me & the entire world.

My niece is 6 years old. I thank my lucky stars, or God, or the Universe - whatever entity controls us all - that she doesn't live in Newtown, Connecticut. I'm grateful that my sister has the ability to keep her home & homeschool her. I'm terrified of sending my future children to school at the risk of this happening again. I'm grateful to my brother-in-law - who is ambitious & hard-working, making it financially possible for my sister to be able to do that. I hope I am as lucky when I have my children.

I'm grateful for the simple fact that today my niece is still alive & well. Because there are aunts today who cannot say the same of their 6 & 7 year old nieces & nephews in Newtown, Connecticut.

12 Days of Christmas Music 2012

2012-12-13T19:05:00.001-08:00

Day 1 - December 14th 2012

Welcome to my 2nd annual 12 Days of Christmas Music!

This year, let's start Christmas with Dino... Here are 16 of his greatest - turn it on and let it play. A wonderful way to start your day!

without me

2012-12-12T23:45:00.000-08:00

let's get up to speed...

2012-12-07T15:05:00.002-08:00

My life - SURPRISE - has been a mixture of strange and crazy lately.

{via}

The biggest news right now is that I've stopped taking my anti-depressants. I've been on Zoloft or some form thereof for the better part of 12 years. I can't really explain why I stopped taking them - because I don't really know. It felt like the right decision. They were clearly not helping - my depression and anxiety have been in a steady upwards climb for the better part of 4 years - with the medication.

I'm struggling at work because being on my feet 8 hours a day is causing far more pain than I can manage. I have to push though it though - because I need to work. When I get home from work I can barely move. My back, hips, feet and every muscle in my body are screaming at me in violent protest.

And exercise - are you kidding me??? There is no exercising. There is just eating, sleeping and working. And binge eating... I've recently realized that I am quite the binge eater and my triggers are numerous and daily. Stress, depression, working, coming home, being at home, being at work, being alone, being with others, etc, etc... All of the above and then some. I'm a nearly 365 day a year binger. There aren't many things that don't make me binge eat. And there are few things in life that make me happy other than sleeping and eating. Everything else causes pain. The food does too ultimately - but not nearly as much as the other parts of life. I feel no shame about it - though I should.

I'm struggling. Just writing this makes me want to go back to bed. With a nice big bowl of Cocoa Pebbles. Believe it or not though, I am better than I was on anti-depressants. I can feel things again - but I'm overly emotional. I think that's because I have 12 years of missed emotions to catch up on. My mood swings are rather violent and unpredictable but I'm learning to control them on my own. I get panicky about things that are small potatoes in the grand scheme of things - but that doesn't make them any less panic-inducing.

How do you handle your stressors? Have you taken anti-depressants in the past or are you currently?

2012 Hollywood Dance Recital

2012-12-06T20:39:00.002-08:00

For those of you that follow me on Instagram - and/or are on my personal Facebook page - you've probably already seen all these photos from last weekend. If you haven't - you fail as a stalker.

For the select few of you who haven't seen them yet, this is my photographic memoir of my niece's annual Dance Recital with Hollywood Dance - which was this past weekend in Lake Elsinore, CA.

Enjoy...

My niece performed in 5 numbers this year. I only managed to get good pictures of 4 of the outfits - and a really bad on-stage picture of her outfit for her duet. We were a bit pressed for time during a costume change or two...

(Niece is on the left) They did an adorable little tap dance to "I Want Candy".

Here are their "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" outfits.

Cute!

And an on-stage shot of their dance:

For ballet, Niece and her class danced to an acoustic version of "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid.

Below is probably my favorite photo from the entire weekend. It was taken during dress rehearsal - and from the looks of it, Niece (left) is helping Carly (right) with her stage fright. In reality, she had her held down so she could get her attention and ask her a question. HA!

The cheer routine to "Girlfriend" was the only one Niece (second from the left) was nervous about. The Kid doesn't know the meaning of the word "stage fright" - but she was nervous about the lift she had to do in this routine. She had to hold Brooke (far right) up for about 5 seconds and she was scared to death she was going to drop her.

Note: she did not drop her. She held her steady through-out both performances and a dress rehearsal.

This was my favorite number of the entire show. They danced to "Tea Party" from the new Alice in Wonderland movie in the most adorable costumes EVER!

Here's a few miscellaneous candid shots from the weekend...

Happy Thanksgiving!

2012-11-22T05:30:00.001-08:00

Not only is today Thanksgiving - it is also the 49th anniversary of the death of a great American president. A president who envisioned a peaceful nation we've yet to realize today. So in remembrance of that president on the anniversary of his death, a quote I think is quote befitting of John Fitzgerald Kennedy:

Music for the Morning

2012-11-17T02:44:00.001-08:00

Beauty is an attitude.

2012-11-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

"Be your own kind of beautiful." ~ Marilyn Monroe

We all like to smell beautiful, feel beautiful & BE beautiful. The perfect scents coupled with the best skin care products can make a girl feel & look like a million bucks.

My idol - the immortal Marilyn Monroe - taught us that we should all be our own unique kind of beautiful. She is my greatest inspiration in life. Her many complexities, talents & troubles may never be fully understood - but from her life & legacy I learned many important lessons. Not the least of which is that beauty may seem to be skin deep in this superficial world we live in - but when your beauty shines from the inside, it can't be ignored.

I'd like to introduce you to my new Etsy shop:

To celebrate my Grand Opening, I'm offering free shipping on any order shipped within the Continental United States for a limited time.

Even the natural beauty of Marilyn Monroe required the right skin care. My products are designed to take the guess work out of beautiful skin. While you're out there conquering the world ladies, you needn't worry about your skin. I've got you covered. You concentrate on your own unique legacy & let my products assist you by taking the guesswork out of perfect skincare. My goal is to help you to feel & look your own unique kind of beautiful.

This shop is the product of my 8 year quest to formulate the perfect line of natural bath & body products. I don't believe in using pre-made bases for my products. What you purchase here is made by me, from scratch, in my kitchen. As such, you will never find any nasty, dangerous chemicals in my products. I prefer quality over quantity.

These gentle yet effective products are formulated with only the finest, purest ingredients. My scent oils are researched extensively and the companies I choose to do business with are chosen for their safety & commitment to quality, natural ingredients.

I use organic ingredients when possible & only purchase organic butters and base oils. I do not test my products on animals. You are getting only the highest quality ingredients when you purchase my products. I hope you love them as much as I do!

Why would you put water in your body butter?

Introducing the first release in my Natural Bath & Body Line, a rich, creamy decadent body butter called Carnival by Be.

Carnival by Be Skin Butter is a sweet scent reminiscent of county fairs in the fall. It is a divine mix of Cotton Candy, Jasmine & Musk. Prepare for compliments! Not only on the extreme softness of your skin - but you'll also smell so good you may develop an entourage of sniffers!

(A fragrance free version is available for you super-sensitive folks. See my store for more information.)

A freshly prepared batch of Carnival by Be Skin Butter

RECOMMENDED USAGE & TIPS:

To get the optimal benefits of this concoction of fabulous butters, I recommend applying it to your full body - concentrating on the rough bits (elbows, heels, cracked skin, etc) immediately after you get out of the bath or shower. The butter will easily melt into your damp, warm skin. It is perfect for dry climates & winter weather and it's a miracle for dry cracked feet, elbows & hands. It will last all day & will also last through several hand washes.

**In warmer climates this delicate butter may melt in transit. You can return your butter to a solid form by putting it in the refrigerator until it re-hardens. It will also re-harden after a few hours at room temperature.**

INGREDIENTS:

Here are some of the highlights of my base ingredients:

Organic Unrefined Shea Butter:

When it comes to skin loving & softening ingredients, Shea butter is way ahead of the pack. This 100% natural Shea butter is extracted from wild kernels of Shea tree fruits. It remains in its unrefined state in my butter as the refining process strips it of its beneficial skin-loving nutrients. It helps to protect, soften and regenerate dry, dehydrated or sensitive skin. It is *safe & beneficial for all skin types.

*you should not use Shea butter if you have a known allergy to tree nuts.

Organic Extra Virgin Coconut Oil:

I have been a coconut oil lover for years. I keep a jar in my bathroom & use it for a number of cosmetic reasons: as a gentle make-up remover (it even gets off waterproof mascara!), as a face lotion & to smooth & condition fly-away hair. It is said to delay wrinkles & sagging skin - helping us to age gracefully. I also use it as an eye cream & have noticed that the elasticity of my skin has improved dramatically with continued use. Coconut oil also helps in treating various skin problems including psoriasis, dermatitis, eczema and other skin conditions. As a body lotion however, I felt it needed a boost. Shea butter was just what it needed.

Sweet Almond Oil:

High in Vitamin E, sweet almond oil is a skin necessity. It hydrates and moisturizes, has been used as a treatment for itchy and dry skin, and may help skin conditions like eczema.

**This lotion contains no preservatives - they are unnecessary as I use no water or other fillers. It has a shelf life of approximately one year. I make your butter when you order it so you will receive only the freshest products. Slight variations in color & texture may occur due this. Some formulations may contain organic, aluminum free corn starch or arrowroot powder to remove some of the greasiness.***

I haven't had much exciting to blog about lately...

2012-10-11T17:03:00.003-07:00

My life is relatively crappy at the moment. My main focus right now is on the fact that I am still not feeling very well. So instead of boring you with daily posts on that, I haven't blogged. My allergies are going crazy, I'm having daily headaches that frequently turn into migraines, my back & joints constantly ache & I'm still struggling to pull myself up out of the anemia hole. I have days of feeling "ok" and days of sheer exhaustion for no apparent reason. I frequently run a low grade fever with no known cause. My goal at the moment is to survive my 40 hour work weeks without collapsing. That remains a daily struggle. I wake up, shower, go to work, work, drive home, eat, collapse on the bed, sleep... repeat. Everyday. On my sporadic days off - I sleep. I have little energy for anything else.

A few weeks ago I had my follow-up post-op appointment with my OBGYN. She says that nothing was found during the D & C or Hysteroscopy to indicate why I went through that bleeding hell. I'm not surprised. That's both relieving and frustrating. If there had been some sort of diagnosis, something to treat - I might feel better.I'd have a direction to move in. But where do I go from here? My doctor says I should start taking birth control pills to regulate my cycle. But to me that's nothing but a band-aid. So what am I going to do now? I have no earthly idea... Yesterday I went to my primary care doctor to get him to draw some more blood and do some more tests. I hope that maybe those tests can give me some clue as to why I feel like shit ALL THE TIME.

Post-op Report

2012-08-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

Well I made it out of the surgery alive. Which I must admit - I was afraid wouldn't happen. I'm overly dramatic, I know. But still, it could happen. Glad it didn't.

What did happen however, is that everything seems to have gone well and I have a follow-up appointment with my OBGYN to discuss her findings and the biopsy results in 2 weeks. I assume she saw nothing of note in there. I'm sure she would've told me had she found a little troll in there terrorizing my uterus.

I think if there were such things as uterine trolls - they'd definitely look like this.
Green with a large club and some sort of loin cloth outfit thing.
Yah...

The Senior Citizen - who accompanied me to the outpatient surgery center - said my doctor showed him before and after pictures of my uterine lining. In full color. I think that was something he could have gone the rest of his life without ever having seen. When I asked what it looked like he said "the before one was really thick. The after one was really thin."

Thanks Father... Hopefully my doctor will have saved those. I'd like to see exactly how much she took out. I'm curious like that. So - I have no new knowledge as of right now as to what is wrong with me. But I'm not bleeding anymore and I can go back to work on Monday.

I do have one nice surgery memento (sike!): an extremely sore throat from the anesthesia tube. Holy crap. If I had known that the pain from that would be worse than the surgery itself... I still would've had the surgery - I just would've been a bit more prepared I guess. I can't eat, can't swallow anything. I'm living on Dunkin Donuts' Orange Coolatta's.

Blood, Gore & Lady Parts: This post is not for the faint of heart.

2012-08-16T08:01:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, confined to my bed, miserable, anemic and feeling like I'm bleeding to death. I have been Googling and searching my University's online library in hopes of finding even one story, or one person who could relate to what I'm going through. I found that person, her name is Holly Bridges and she wrote a book entitled UNHysterectomy.

I located Holly on the web after finding out about her story through a journal article and shared with her my story. I'd like to share with you that same story. No one talks about irregular menstrual bleeding - menstruation is such a taboo subject in our society. And as Holly's book suggests, far too many people are having unnessecary hysterectomies because there seems to be no other solution to their bleeding problems. Holly shares in her book the options that women have other than that type of invasive surgery and I hope you will read her book if you find yourself in a situation similar to mine - or her's.

I'm joining the fight along with Holly in an attempt to get more information out there. I'm not ashamed of my situation and deserve a proper diagnosis and treatment. Here's an excerpt from the journal article about Holly that I'd like to share with you:

"Women undergo radical and unnecessary hysterectomies because the silence surrounding menstrual functions means there is no push for better treatments... Women are taught that periods are embarrassing and unmentionable. But this silence hides significant suffering for the one in four women who have abnormal uterine bleeding."

"One study says these women lose an estimated $5,000 a year in wages, supplies and prescription painkillers because of the debilitating and some-times life-threatening condition. Another study cited by Bridges said women with abnormal uterine bleeding "have the same quality of life and level of function as heart attack and stroke victims entering rehabilitation." But "these women are not in rehab or even in hospital. They are at work, on the soccer field, in the grocery store or on the bus, struggling to stay afloat," she says. And most of these women are offered no options but a hysterectomy, which often involves removal of the Fallopian tubes and ovaries and, frequently, deep abdominal cuts."

(Citation: Page, S. (2012, Apr 23). Author shows alternatives to hysterectomy; in Dr. Sony Singh, Holly Bridges found a non-invasive solution to a debilitating problem. The Vancouver Sun, pp. D.3. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/1009424562?accountid=7374)

So here's my story...

{image via}

I'm 32 years old, have no children and have never been pregnant - though mothering is definitely on my life's "to-do" list. About three years ago I bled for 6 months. My doctors could find nothing abnormal, had no explanation for it what so ever. Maybe I had PCOS - but from my test results it didn't seem likely. My hormone levels were all normal, thyroid; normal, there were no cysts, nothing wrong with my uterus, they saw no cause what so ever for the bleeding.

I then had a biopsy done and it came back normal too. Which is wonderful, but why couldn't I stop bleeding? I went through several different kinds of medications and treatments in an attempt to stop it. The worst of which were an entire month's worth of birth control pills administered in large dosages over the course of 3 days - that did nothing to even slow the bleeding but did make me constantly nauseated. I missed several days of work due to the amount of blood I was losing and the ill effects of my unsuccessful "treatments".

My (then) doctor's next brilliant idea was to perform a Dilation & Curettage (or D&C as is it more commonly known) to "clean out" my uterus. Unfortunately, my health insurance at the time was crap and I'd have to pay a co-pay of $5000.00 to have it done. So I was resigned to my fate, I was apparently just going to bleed to death. From my vagina... Luckily, the bleeding finally stopped after I researched online to find some "natural" remedies. I was taking a concoction of roots and berries and everything else I could find in hopes that a natural way would be the answer. I don't know if that is what finally stopped my bleeding, but eventually it did stop.

The herbs did not however, fix my irregular menstrual cycle. Over the course of the past three years I've been on a menstrual roller coaster. There's no rhyme or reason to my periods - there's no predicting them. The first year following the 6 months of abnormal uterine bleeding, I had a light period every few months. Then they started to get heavier and more painful. It wasn't unusual for me not to have one for up to 6 months at a time. Then the following one would be so awful I couldn't get out of bed. I tried more herbs, some creams, birth control pills, exercise, yoga... but nothing would regulate my cycles. Sometimes I'd just spot for an entire month. Sometimes I'd bleed heavily for 2 or 3 weeks. Sometimes I'd bleed for a day, skip a few days, then bleed some more. Over the past few months they have been slightly more predictable - occurring about every 3 months or so - give or take a month. They lasted anywhere from a week to 4 weeks and were accompanied not only by extreme cramps but also migraine headaches.

On June 22nd of this year, I had been spotting for a few days and found myself at work sitting in a pool of blood. Without any warning, it had just started gushing out. Humiliated and in terrible pain, I was sent home. The bleeding hasn't stopped since then. I have been bleeding heavily now for 57 days. I am anemic and on medical leave from work because I can't perform my job duties in my present condition. I am on bed rest. This time is far worse than the last time, and I was pretty certain it was the worst thing that had ever happened in my life THEN. Now I feel like I'm disabled. I can't even leave the house. My doctor - God bless her - is far better than the last one I had. We did more blood tests - everything is again normal, normal, normal! Except that I'm anemic. That's not normal.

This time however, an ultrasound showed that my uterus is enlarged and that the uterine lining - despite two months of heavy bleeding - is still twice the size it should be. My doctor put me on Provera - which is Medroxyprogesterone, used to treat irregular vaginal bleeding. The bleeding slowed some while I was on the 10 day cycle of Provera - but didn't even come close to stopping. And to add more excitement - it was accompanied by severe cramping and more migraine headaches. I took my last dose of Provera last Monday and by Tuesday the bleeding was back with a vengeance. It has been steadily increasing since - as have the amounts of blood clots I'm expelling. Which - for those who might not know - feel like constant little mini labor pains when they are on their way out. Back to the doctor I go...

I'm scheduled to have a D&C next Wednesday, along with a uterine biopsy and hysteroscopy to hopefully identify the cause of this. But in the meantime, I can either lie in bed and bleed or take more Provera and lie in bed with slightly less bleeding but more cramps and migraines. Decisions, decisions...

The part of this that annoys me the most is that NO ONE can figure out why I won't stop bleeding! My rebellious uterus laughs in the face of the doctors' synthetic hormones. In an act of even more defiance - my uterus is tilted, making access to my cervix extremely painful. My uterus is so sore, I can't wear tampons anymore. I hope this surgery next week provides some answers and relief from this bleeding. People have no idea what this is like. It's debilitating, humiliating, painful and uncontrollable - and it could all quite possibly end in some doctor telling me that the only way to stop it is to remove my internal lady parts - and with them, my hopes of ever having my own children.

If there are any of you out there who are experiencing similar symptoms - or have in the past, I'd love to hear your comments. 1 in 4 women have irregular menstrual bleeding, as we learned earlier in this post. That means that at least a few of you have experienced it - maybe not to the extent that I have - but I would love to hear your stories. Feel free to leave a comment in the comments section or email me at mcwhorter.heather(at)gmail(dot)com

If you hate blood, this post's not for you.

2012-08-13T16:55:00.002-07:00

How is it that no one in the medical profession knows what's wrong with me? With all the technology, scientific advances and education we have these days, why is it that none of these doctors can figure out why I just won't stop bleeding???

That's it. It's official. I have Heather McWhorter's disease.

In a week and 2 days I go have surgery. This *might* stop the bleeding.... The bleeding that has now been going on for 52 days.

Wait... WHAT?!?!

So now I am officially a full blown anemic from all this blood loss. I fainted on Thursday. I came close to doing it again this morning. BECAUSE THEY TOOK MORE BLOOD!

Those doctors keep taking more blood... I don't understand. To a normal person this would be DUMB. My PCP didn't like my OBGYN's test results - so he had to take some blood to test for himself. Today they called to tell me I need to come back in to discuss the results. That's never good.

My OBGYN wanted to test it all again today - even though I just had it done by my PCP before the fainting on Thursday. So now she has me on bed rest until after the surgery. That means no going to work, no exercising and even (gasp) NO SHOPPING! Can you imagine? Glad my Kindle is well stocked.

This blows...