When only one person was spending the time on line, the other person was left to whatever other nighttime activities were available. Apparently, the number one question that would determine marital satisfaction was whether the couple went to bed at the same time. Couples who did not go to bed at the same time reported less satisfying marriages.

As a family law attorney for over 30 years, I don’t find this research at all surprising. When one person gets super involved in something and the other person feels left out, it can cause resentment. Especially when the other person goes to bed alone. That’s not to say that people can’t have separate and different interests, just that everything needs a balance. When one person becomes involved in an activity, any activity, to the exclusion of the rest of the family, it is a type of abandonment. In North Carolina, there is a line of cases that talks about a person “constructively abandoning “ the marriage. If a person constructively abandons the marriage, he or she does not leave the home, just the marriage. There is no really good list of things that would count as constructive abandonment, but the court states, “Constructive abandonment may be shown by mental or physical cruelty or willful failure of the defaulting spouse to fulfill obligations of the marriage.” That was the case of Ellinwood v Ellinwood, in which Dr. Ellinwood was so wrapped up in his work that he didn’t have time for his family. Everyone can have a crunch time a work, have to work late or on a weekend or not be able to go to a scheduled event, but Dr. Ellinwood was a work-a-holic for over 20 years. No one ever said that he wasn’t a good doctor, or that his job wasn’t important. He was, perhaps, a good doctor but a bad husband and father.

People can become involved in matters other than their job, whether it is church or poker night or on line gaming, if it is so significant that the other person feels alone most of the time, it could be a problem. It’s important to remember the flip side of the research, partners who both participated in an activity, even if (actually especially if) they were not “on the same team”, strengthened their marriage.

There are many ways to leave a marriage, walking out the door is just one of them.

Sometimes, especially when money is tight or property is mortgaged to the hilt; it appears that there is no way out of a bad situation. That’s not true. There are always choices available, but some of those choices seem scary. For example, a 50 year old mother of teen age boys who last worked in 1995 may not feel comfortable re-entering the work force. A father of 4 who let the stay at home mom take care of the day to day issues with the kids may feel parenting every day is a daunting task. A couple who owe more on their home than it is worth may feel there is nothing to be done about their bad marriage but stay in their expensive money pit. While all these situations are real and potentially difficult to deal with, they are not impossible to overcome.

When you are separating from your spouse, you need to break down the issues into manageable pieces. If you look at everything all at once, it is overwhelming, but if you look at it in small pieces, it becomes easier to handle. The 50 year old may need to visit a vocational counselor to learn what she can do with the skills she has. The father of 4 can make a schedule of what needs to be done each day and talk to experienced parents for tips and suggestions. The couple in the upside down home can look to see what options are there for giving the house to the bank, or refinancing or selling the house. Credit counselors and bankruptcy attorneys could provide useful information.

A separation or divorce can be very frightening. It would be foolish not to realize that there will be some stressful and unhappy times. Money may be tight, kids may act out, the future may seem bleak. But you can make a choice to see past the immediate fears to the new start the divorce is creating for you. You will be the person to control what and how you respond to the day to day vagaries of life. You can choose to move forward with the idea that change is possible and make choices that will allow you to take the situation you have been given and use it to the best possible outcome, or you can allow your fears to paralyze you or change you into a bitter or vindictive person. The choice is yours.

I have two sons, they are in their early teens; and my husband and I are forever telling them that attitude matters, that the way they say things is just as important as what they say. Turns out we were wrong! The way things are said is MORE important. According to research done by Dr. Albert Mehrabian professor emeritus of psychology at UCLA, when a person is speaking about his or her feelings or attitudes (and only in that situation)

* 7% of meaning is in the words that are spoken.
* 38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said, tone of voice, etc.).
* 55% of meaning is in facial expression(and other body language).

In other words, what a person says is far less important than how they say it. We get the majority (93%) of the communication from non verbal cues. So when my son is rolling his eyes or saying “sorry” with dripping sarcasm, my interpretation that he may, perhaps, be insincere is probably accurate.

What does this mean to you? Well, several things jump immediately to mind. First, if you are receiving a written communication, you need to understand that you may not be receiving all the information the writer intended because you cannot see or hear the writer; you are missing certain important clues that could help you interpret the meaning of the words you see. Second, if you are the writer, you need to be sure that the words you use are accurately conveying the message you are trying to send. Remember, Dr. Mehrabian’s research only applies to communications about feelings or attitudes. More informational matters can be communicated effectively by words alone. So, stating “The movie starts at 7:00 PM.” is an accurate statement of fact not open to misinterpretation. But, “I am so sorry that I threw up on your mother’s dog.” may or may not be true.

It is almost impossible to convey the true meaning of a statement by just repeating the words. If you want to relay the content of a conversation, you need to add the voice and the mannerisms of the original speaker to get the third person to understand what you are saying. At first this may seem a daunting task, but you have probably had some practice. Remember reading to your five year old? You would take on the voice of the different characters and even add facial expressions and body language. Sure you did, most of us did. Check it out, go to the library and eavesdrop on a parent reading to a small child and you will hear and see it all.

Take the expression “Believe me, you are going to get everything you deserve.” Now practice saying this sentence different ways. You will find that there can be both positive and negative impressions from the same words. How other people are going to interpret what the words mean will depend a lot on your ability to convey the true communication. If you want a third party — your best friend, counselor, parent, minster, police officer, judge, lawyer, etc. etc. etc. to understand what really happened with your spouse, you need to be sure that you convey more than just the words.

You pushed the button anyway, didn’t you?

Well, we always wonder about the road not taken. Sweetcheeks may sound pretty good over the internet, may look pretty good, may seem like someone you coulda woulda shoulda ended up with. We have had quite a few cases in the past few years where people have connected with old flames via the internet. But that Facebook page can do a lot more than lead you down Memory Lane. Be careful whom you “friend” on Facebook and even more careful of what you post. Remember, whatever you share on Facebook you share with your spouse, the lawyer, the court, your family and friends etc. etc. etc. And it’s not just your direct statements that can be used; it’s the pictures of you drunk at the rock concert, at the beach instead of on a business trip, writing that your marital status is now “engaged” or “in a relationship” when it used to say “married”. If you and your spouse have mutual friends, de-friending your spouse is not going to mean he or she doesn’t know what’s posted. There is always someone who can’t wait to forward on the information you posted. But even if you don’t have a Facebook page, does Sweetcheeks have one? There are many places your picture and comments can appear.

For some big mistakes others have made, check out this article at msnbc.com, “Facebook is divorce lawyers’ new best friend” http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37986320/ .

Some people want the pain to go away, so they agree to something that is one sided just to make things end.  Sometimes a person is so angry that they will do and say things that can’t be taken back and can have unintended consequences.  Or sometimes she or he will think that if only they show how generous or willing to compromise s/he is the other party will come back.  Some people have created an entire scenario as to how matters will proceed and are then surprised when the other person doesn’t fall neatly into the assigned role.  Approaching a legal problem from an emotional perspective is not a good idea.  While acting in the moment may
have a large attraction, the long term results can be devastating.   Such actions are rarely the best legal strategy and can have far reaching implications.  It is then that some people will make bad choices in matters that may affect the rest of his or her life.

My advice to you is to let your family and friends give you emotional support and help you figure out what’s happening; but don’t take legal advice from them. Your friends want you to feel better, they want to help calm the emotional and social upheaval which is occurring. However, all the good intentions in the world will not help you make the correct legal choices if you are unaware that choices exist.  The best advice any person can give the separating party is to seek professional advice. Having an initial consultation with an attorney is an excellent idea.  Not only will you get an overview of the law, but you will start to understand the different possible directions the case could go, choices will appear.  You will receive ideas on immediate actions which can or should be taken.  A good attorney will make sure that the client has the tools with which to make a decision.