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• Government Begins Controversial Cold Calling Tactics
• NYC Crane Saboteur Strikes Again
• Third Time’s a Charm
• Tragic Loss of Beer in Motorway Smash
• Wonder if He’ll Recover His Deposit?
• Military Once Again Prove Their Ignorance Regarding ‘SkyNet’
• In The Time it Took You to Read This, Your House Value Dropped 9.7 pence (No really, it did, I just worked it out)
• And There Goes Another 10 pence!
• ‘Debate’ Over Our Freedom Rumbles On…
• …And On…
• …And On…
• …And On.
• Harry Potter In Court
• And The Truth Will Set You Free!
• 2 + 2 = Five
• The People’s Sports Car?
• That Country Just Keeps Getting Better and Better
• Japan Joins the Space Party
• Just Search for Privacy Policy…
• Would You Trust this Man with Your Mail?
• Worldwide Chaos as it’s Revealed Half the World’s Population Hasn’t Seen a Bond Film
• Shock! People Are Found to Travel to Work and Home and Work and Home and Wor……..
• Red Bull Found to Contain Caffeine!
• Now go Get Drunk, You’ll Live Longer
• Wait, Scratch That

New Feature! NYT Articles. Caught Eye. Good Read.

• Super Rich Feeling the Squeeze
• Sarcasm? Yeh, Right!
• Oh. My. God.

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Anyhow, even with all this stuff going on, I still regularly manage to find time for you guys… well semi-regularly. Today there is a single news article, but it retains the misery of the previous week’s picks. And I’m afraid it spells danger for us all.

I for one welcome our new monkey-robot overlords.

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Because I’m short on time, and because I think it’s fun, I thought I would fill you in with my own versions of the headlines, this time in ‘editorial/magazine style‘:

• The Internet Really is Managed by Google
• People Finally Realise British Fuel is Expensive and Becoming More so…
• …on the Plus Side Cannabis Drops in Price
• Conclusive Proof At Last; The Japanese are Nuts
• Banks Attempt to Create 21st Century Technology
• Mars Polar Ice Caps Under Threat

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More signs that America is the place to be now, with this unmissable offer from an American car dealership. Good news for all involved there then, especially the car thieves in America… They now have a proper challenge on their hands, no more pussy drivers! Except the old guy and the Canadian.

And finally (for the good news) I found this amazing tunnel between New York and London. Yes, you heard me. Running under the Pacific, from Tower Bridge, to Brooklyn Bridge, this has to be the coolest, most fun and most ‘Jules Vern’ monument ever. We totally need more of these.

Unfortunately, even with all this great stuff going on right now, there is doom and gloom, detailed below:

• Britain’s Beaches Radioactive
• Global Warming Ruins Weekend
• Children Remain Illiterate
• Artic Collapsing
• Jaws Becomes Fantasy

And finally, if you observe the clip featured in this article, at around about 12 seconds (turn up the volume) I think we hear uncensored profanity… Shock. Horror. Oh my God, quick, somebody do something please!! I’ve been scarred for life!! Won’t somebody please THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! Also note how rude the Police officers are. Dear dear, what is this country coming to. Manners are free people! FREE!!

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However broke we are though, with our outrageous fuel prices and what not, we must remember the Americans are struggling too. Yes. Struggling terribly, with their 44 pence per litre fuel prices. How are they possibly coping!! Oh my GOD!!! This article is written by a funny guy, so I think you’ll enjoy it (give you a break from my half assed efforts anyway).

But ‘What if I want to comment?‘ I hear you cry… Well, see this page, clearly showing the total and complete agreement among people regarding the sorry state of affairs in this country at the moment. I’m no psychiatrist, as you know, but I’m sensing a lot of anger in the room. And it’s an awfully big room too, in the last two hours 350 people arrived! That’s a violent mob right there, and they’re itching for blood!! I’m outta here.

I now find myself wandering into this room and being surrounded by a group of people who think they’re suddenly comedians. Oh dear. And they’re also insane. Who in their right mind would say plastic carrier bags are one of the world’s worst ideas?!? Morons. No really, it’s been proven. Well, postulated. And I love that word, it sounds so dirty. Ha ha.

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There is one important announcement however, and that is for this incredible card. Just a simple card that gives a very, very small part of people’s freedoms back to them in an oh-so subtle form. Just read the article. And rest assured, I will be carrying one as soon as I can get my hands on one.

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What’s happening in the news? Well, funny you should ask, but I have selected a couple of articles to illustrate the absurdity of this country. First up, the insane new vehicle excise charges due for 2009. No, they’re not misprints, those really are the charges… Also please note if you will the extreme bias in the top category example vehicles, unusual for the BBC. All 4×4s? Sensationalism at it’s best people, there are hundreds of nice cars that could be in the top category, and many many 4×4s could feature in the lower categories, but then, that wouldn’t get people reading would it! Holy crap. That just annoyed me, sorry.

Next, the news that Britain apparently doesn’t want to be nice. Well, not nice to British people anyway. They’re awful.

Sulu is getting married to a guy!

Oh and keep sending text messages! They’re great for your.. umm… wordiness.

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Huzzahs all round!

Firstly, the end of the economy as we know it is coming, so that’s good news for all… But don’t worry, because online shopping is more popular than ever. No, I don’t understand either, but we don’t need to, all we need to know is how lucky we are that we don’t live in Mexico! Thank God!

We can all sleep safely at night however because the nightmarish evil that is the plastic bag is being beaten back at a local store level. Whatever.

What am I doing on the 22nd? What the hell do you think!! I’m seeing Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull of course!! And you better be too! We need to be ready for the next one!

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Anyhoo! I return today, and bring you the amazingly unsurprising news that the Police force is full of dicks. Illustrating my point today is the following tosser, Mr David Mayes, who thinks speeding is funny when he has no idea what he is doing. The man should have his license revoked permanently, no more chances.

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I’m calling him a moron because he feels the need to make up some unbelievable story about needing the lavatory! Why?? He insisted he wasn’t speeding (remember people, 80mph on motorways…) so what was he doing wrong? Undertaking? Well, if he had to undertake, that means people in the outside lane weren’t driving at an appropriate speed, and they should be punished ten times whatever this man receives. It’s far more dangerous going slowly on a motorway, than it is going quickly.

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Sometimes the freedoms of like-minded, decent people have to be curtailed because of a few others
- Liz Longhurst

Says it all doesn’t it. When people like this insane bitch are given a voice, I think the freedoms of decent people are at the greatest risk. Does she really think making something illegal in this country is going to have any effect whatsoever on the minority who turn to true violence? This is as bullshit an argument as making guns illegal. People willing to break the law will do so, what the frick difference does banning the catalyst make?

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At this stage I don’t want to disclose further details of how or where the seizure took place
- Jeff Ashton

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slowdown, clipping, pop-in, dithering loss, freezing, aliasing, overuse of bloom, squirrelly auto-aim and lock-on, and countless random glitches both repeatable and unrepeatable

From that quote it’s easy to see why I’m suddenly kinda uncertain about purchasing GTA IV, no? I cannot stand lag in games, it destroys the experience, no matter how amazing the experience is. Anyone got any other opinions?

Oh, and the Blu Ray deal? Well, I’ll be mega pissed if this is true. Not least because I just bought a 360, but also because I hate Blu Ray!! HD DVD is the better technology, and should have won easily. Sigh.

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What does this mean? Well, first off, I will be posting everyday! Hooray! Obviously this may just be an update on how my life is sucking/rocking but it means I will always be here, so you can share in my pain/pleasure. And don’t look at me like that, I really do promise to post every day!

Second? Well, at the end of this month I will have finished the second of my three years at University. Bigger hooray! This means I should have outrageous amounts of free time, and can continue with my posting schedule. It also means the business will get the attention it needs to flourish, as well as expand (yes, we’re expanding already!) into new and exciting areas.

My true aim? Well, leaving my day job in six months would rock, although I don’t think it will happen. If it does, then wow, we’re better at this than anyone could possibly have imagined. The sobering thought of course is if the whole idea collapses, we’re suddenly plunged into a mortgage sized pile of debt. All the more reason to kick ass!!

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You see, people who speed (at least as much as these guys) know how to handle a car/bike. People have accidents (sorry, collisions…) because of other moronic road users or because they’re driving dangerously. End of.

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Personally, if I was getting paid anywhere near £17 million for a painting, I would paint something beautiful, not someone who will happily work for £20 a day plus lunch. Although lunch for a woman that size must be a considerable expense. Okay, I’m all done with the fat jokes, sorry =) Well, I’m not sorry, but you get the idea.

What else made me despair? Was it the hopeless exaggeration in this article centered on Britney Spears? Well, it did make me groan, and there was a pang of despair, but that woman warrants insane news just for being herself, so I can hardly blame the BBC. Heck, why didn’t they call it a ‘three car pileup’ ? Too much?

More despair worthy however was this swath of garbage, a surprisingly biased article from the BBC about organ transplants and donors. Basically a daughter died and saved three others through organ donation, but her mother also needed a transplant, and didn’t get her daughter’s organs. I’m sorry but that seems awfully boring to me, the organs go to those most in need. The article states she has needed a kidney for seven years! How is that desperation?? Is your current kidney on the verge of explosion (or whatever it is kidneys do when they kick the bucket) ? Didn’t think so.

My bias comment was directed on the following quote by the way, that oh-so-subtly tries to buy an emphatic vote from already teary eyed readers…

Ms Ashworth, the mother of a two-year-old girl, was on the NHS Organ Donor Register…
- BBC

My view on organ transplant law? It should be against the law not to become a donor.

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As for others, Project Gotham Racing 4, Halo 3, Colin McRae DiRT, Assassin’s Creed and Forza Motorsport 2 are all bargain games right now, so I will pick those up as soon as I can. And anyone played any RTS games on a console? I have tried the Command and Conquer 3 demo, which although I can manage the control methods perfectly well I have no intention of buying as I already have it on the PC. I may however buy Supreme Commander or Universe at War: Earth Assault to try them out on a console with multiplayer goodness and the like.

Any other suggestions?

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First up is my learning wagon, a very unique (as in less than 500 made) Alfa Romeo 155 Silverstone (1995). Pictured here in awesome racing livery, this was a successful touring car, winning several events around 93/94. I never had the Q4 version, but I would love one in my dream garage, they seem like great fun. Unfortunately mine was the front drive, which meant understeer, although I didn’t really get to push the limits of grip with ‘L’ plates on

Next up was my faithful Rover 214SLi (1996) (yes, that was the top spec model… although, that’s like saying it’s a top spec toilet, it’s still not exactly a nice place to be) which my parents got for me because the Alfa was too fast… Damn. This wasn’t exactly a speed racer, although it would still move with that bullet proof 1.4l K-Series engine, and we had sooo many good times in that car it was worth it anyway.

Once the Rover started feeling a little slow I moved up (on my eighteenth birthday) to a BMW 520i 24V SE (1992). Incidentally, this was just after a little snafu at school, where the Headmaster’s letter home stated that my parents should reconsider the responsibility of me driving my own car to school…….. Mmmm, yeh, that went down well. Anyway, I loved the BMW, the rear wheel drive, the refinement, the size, the comfort, the fact that you could cruise at 80 all day long and it felt like rolling around town at 25. But it annoyed me everyday, with it’s complete lack of punch lower down the rev range, and the lack of an LSD. It was also monumentally wallow-y in the bends, and really didn’t feel sporty enough.

So after two years, I eventually ditched that and bought my latest toy, an Alfa Romeo 166 2.5 V6 Sportronic Lusso (2000). Yes, it’s my favorite so far, and yes, the names do keep getting longer and longer, but I absolutely love it. The Sportronic is basically a semi-automatic, so this thing is still fun to drive, but then can become an effortless cruiser around town or on the motorway. The exhaust note is bliss, the V6 purrs all the way up to 7000rpm and the shifts are just sporty enough to show this car means business. And the trim? Well it’s the highest spec car I’ve ever been in, let alone owned, what with built in Sat Nav, CD Autochanger, Climate, Cruise, Electric Pack (including windows, mirrors, seats), Heated Seats, Heated Screen, Heated Mirrors, Folding Mirrors, Remote Locking, Alarm etc. etc. etc. I love it! But, I’m probably going to be selling it soon, and then… hmm, not sure. Maybe I’ll get another one…. I like all the buttons.

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Yes, after twelve depressingly long years Formula One is coming back to the BBC!! I cannot believe the good news. Completely out of no where the BBC have purchased the rights to beautiful, uninterrupted television coverage of the events for 2009. No more adverts!! No more Martin Brundle! And even better, no more James Allen!! Hooray!

Hopefully too, there will finally be HD coverage, something I’ve wanted for a few years, and something that should have at least started this year. But being under ITV’s control can’t have helped, so I’m praying now for a decent effort from the BBC.

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So it’s taken me three weeks of frantic emails back and forth with several registrars to get my domain back and get it registered and the DNS details corrected and all that jazz. So I can only apologise. And pray that it never happens again or people may well die.

Anyhoo, normal service has been resumed as soon as possible. And I mean it, now I got the blog back I had a quick check down the last posts, and I was amazed at how lax I was in posting. Not any more however! I have decided to put a lot more effort into the whole blogging thing, and hopefully ask for some help from my partner (yes, I said partner) Rich for some help. Maybe we can turn this into some kind of diary type thing. I dunno, I’m riffing all this off the top of my head at half eleven in the evening. If you think any of this is a good idea, let me know! Leave a comment, please!

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So what has happened whilst I took the weekend off? Well, not a lot really, but I shall enlighten you on a few choice events, as follows…

First off, I bring you the not-supposed-to-be-funny-but-really-really-is news of a man dying in a cake eating contest (and no you anti-American Nazi, it was not in the US). I know this sounds completely made up, but you can check the BBC for proof! This is really bizarre, and although I highly doubt it was due to the actual cake itself, I would get ready for some nanny-state regulation regarding a limit being set on confectionery consumption being put in place very soon.

Next? Well, next comes news that the human race is evil. Maybe not in so many words mind, but the message is pretty clear to me. Can adults really be this blind as to the realities of childhood? Surely not. Maybe when they grew up everything was phosphorescence and dolphins and little kitty cats, but times change. Now bullying (and being bullied) is just part of reaching adulthood. Think of it as an initiation into reality. Think of it as learning about life. Think about it as anything you like, but please don’t get your knickers bunched up over it.

And last but not least today, I have a bone to pick with Mario Cacciottolo (awesome name by the way) and his editorial on the demise of cheques. He says that cashiers (which he refers to as shop assistants, derogatory anyone?) are dumb founded at the very sight of a cheque book, and continues, that cheque payments can take a very long time to complete. Well this simply isn’t true. I work on an ePOS system myself, and find that cheques are almost as fast as plastic transactions. Why? Well quite simply, you take away any element of interfacing with the customer! I no longer have to stand and wait for the customer to forget his PIN, remove his card too early, or get his card declined. I can do everything required, myself, and the only point at which the customer is involved is the signature. And although some still have trouble with this, on the whole there are few delays here.

But hey, don’t get me wrong, I want the cheque to die like the rest of the mob. It takes a lot more effort on my part that simply waiting for the customer to faff and is a much greater risk than taking the cash there and then. So die cheque, die!!

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It’s the media’s job to report the news, I mean, unless I’ve been horribly misinformed? It’s just what they do, right? If that news is grim, well, so be it, life goes on. Or not….. Sorry, that was cruel! Haha. Umm, where was I… Oh yeh, the media. To be honest, looking at the age (and mental age) of these victims I’m surprised that people seem to be putting so much stock into them actually keeping up with the news. Seriously, most of the people I know don’t bother, and they’re much older than these peeps. Oh well, whatever, this is boring now. Get on with your lives people!!

Oop, almost forgot, those of you paying attention may have noticed that the title of this post seems a little, umm, mean-spirited let’s say… Well, that’s because it’s not specifically to do with the Bridgend massacres. In fact it came from the remarkable story of a (swanky) Italian restaurant in Staffordshire. Yes, I know what you’re thinking; Swanky restaurant? In Staffordshire?? But that’s not the amazing part, oh no, the best bit is what was printed on their bill. You’ll have to excuse me if I’m incorrectly filling in the gaps here, but I think it reads something like:

SUCK MY DICK FUCK FACE £0.00

< insert joke about that being a good price here >

Apparently this was meant for internal use only (again, I smell a joke here, but I’m going to rise above it) and the restaurant owner finds it a mystery how this ended up on the bill. Oh well. I’m not really going to comment, other than to say the owner was pretty clever with his statement. Of course the silly bitch who saw this on the bill spouted that she wanted “some compensation” and the owner quite rightly said that he would offer her a free meal. Fair enough, but just to rub it in her face, he also said he would donate the price of the meal to charity, as opposed to simply refunding her. Yes, refunding her the £280. I just love that touch

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I’d just like to point out a now defunct Wikipedia article that caught my attention, due to it’s pleasingly specific title… High definition optical disc format war. Great stuff you can find on Wikipedia. Great, great stuff. How bizarre!

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Not got much to report at the moment, other than the obvious of course, that you must now address me as Mr. Allen. After all, I am the Director of my own company, and that’s how we Director’s prefer to be spoken to. You agree, right Rich? Sorry, Mr. Harley?

Lots of work will need to be done on this venture, so you will have to bear with my updates on this site. I know you will though, you’re just that great!!

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So the guy (and by guy, I mean bitch… sorry, lady…) shook hands with the opposition’s attorney and apparently was so vicious she was nearly hospitalised. In a nut shell. Pretty unbelievable stuff, that any anti-American-ite would love to comment on, but if they actually took the time to read the story they might see the full picture. Let’s start with the headline:

Assault rap for rough handshake
- BBC

Now of course, this sounds petty and ridiculous, and as such, this is an attention grabbing headline. Heck, if it wasn’t so sensationalist it would struggle to even count as a headline, that’s just what they do. Even the BBC’s. So you click on the article, and see the following as the introductory paragraph:

A Florida lawyer has been charged with assault for over-vigorously shaking the hand of a fellow attorney.
- BBC

Again, seems pretty daft if you ask me, but I guess a hand shake could be construed as violent… kinda. But it’s only when we reach the seventh paragraph do we actually see what happened:

“With Keene in hand, Brewer made an upward, then a quick downward motion and pulled Keene toward the ground moving her forward, almost causing Keene to fall to the ground,” said a court security officer.
- BBC

So basically what happened is this; The jerk lawyer whose husband had just been prosecuted, “insisted on shaking the prosecuting lawyer’s hand” and was generally being an ass hat, in shaking it like a nine year old when the teacher says ’shake hands and make up you two’… Doesn’t seem so far fetched any more does it.

As a secondary note, who would let their wife represent them in a court of law?? And don’t be smart and say ‘well, no, I certainly wouldn’t, she’s a freakin teacher, not a lawyer‘. I mean if she was! Maybe because she’d be free? No idea, just doesn’t strike me as being a great idea is all. I mean, you could get really turned on with her being in charge and blow your, ummm, case. Yeh, case.

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You’re damn straight Mr. umm, Fukuda, their existence has not been confirmed, or disproved, so maintaining that healthy open attitude is the best thing we can do. Not like some freakin conspiracy theorists shrieking that UFOs absolutely, positively, do exist, and conduct nightly probulations on their gooey insides. That’s crazy talk right there, ya nut job.

I hereby declare that I believe UFOs may very well exist! But, just to clarify, not that they do exist. So don’t be taking my words as a confession of my other worldly friends. Their my friends damn it! Nothing you can say will take them away!!

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The soft keys are not real keys, but touch-sensitive surfaces. Unfortunately, while it looks cool, these touch-based surfaces don’t always work.
- OS news

And don’t anyone go and think I’m just a SE fanboy, because I’m not, they just happen to make the best phones! Okay, okay, so I’m on my third already, but I’m confident that the break downs affecting the first two phones were purely bad luck on my part…

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As I write this now however, following a wonderful day of losing money at online poker, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated, if a little poor. So here we go, I plan to cover a few things today as I have a back log of articles building up in Firefox. Stick with me, I’m going to skim quite quickly over the last couple days, okay? Ready? Go!

First off, the story (fiction) of yet another major Internet backbone cable being broken in the Middle East. I say fiction, because the conspiracy theorists of the world are united in their efforts to bring meaning to the freakin’ coincidence of two cable breaks in a week. Please people, relax, Egypt will still be able to access online pornography, don’t you worry.

Next up, a new record for valuable domains has been set with cruise.co.uk buying cruises.co.uk for over a million dollars (I say dollars, because, even in the current economic climate, they’re much cooler than pounds). Wow! All that for a co.uk? Seems over priced if you ask me, but then what do I know, being but a lowly bloggist. Sigh. Of course being a UK domain means that it is inherently cheap and nasty, as proven by the two most expensive domains of all time, sex.com and porn.com, which recently changed hands again for nine million and eleven million dollars respectively. Needless to say, it’s obvious what the Internet is home to.

The next titbit to catch my eye was the interesting news of Egg’s website outage, announced a little too recently to the culling of the less interesting credit card customers from it’s books, for theorists to take sitting down. That was a mouthful wasn’t it! Woah. Umm, yeh, well egg.com was down for about 24 hours, so obviously, the hacker who had his card declined wasn’t that awesome.

Also in the last couple days, I discovered how to write ‘supermarket‘ in Chinese, I learned that shooting at youngsters is acceptable some of the time, HSBC doesn’t have anybody check the doors are locked when they close, and people would like their poultry to be a little more expensive.

And as a totally random distraction, I also found this amazing shopping website. Check it out!

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Obviously, this couldn’t be launched in this country, there would be far too many health and safety officers to placate, and the general uproar from the mindless public complaining about environmental issues and other such bullshit. Sigh. Roll on the day when I can leave the country for good! If you want to learn more about the train itself, or at least the idea behind it, then I suggest this article (from 2000) that explains more about how the train works, and why it is a true successor to the current high speed generation of trains.

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Well it was going to happen eventually I guess, and apparently already had happened, given the number of results from that Google query, but I didn’t think it would be the BBC who fell into the trap. Someone needs a chemistry lesson. I’m sure as hell not going to give it though, I only have a GCSE. And yet, I can still point out someone else’s mistakes. Ahh the wonders of a free society.

And I know it doesn’t mean much, but I guess I should put a quote up, in case they rectify the (glaring!) errors. That’s right people, this isn’t the only occurrence…

Corus said the investment would reduce C02 emissions by reusing gas generated inside the Basic Oxygen Steel (BOS) plant.
- BBC

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Anyhoo, nostalgia aside, I was reminded of this amazing piece of recreational merriment by the photograph used for this news story. I mean what the hell?? How did the car end up like that Well, however it happened, I love it. And that’s pretty much all I have to say on this article. Well, other than I guess the teenager did it (you gotta love it, even the normally impartial BBC, paint the youth as being the criminal already…) and I have no clue why the house would require demolition. It barely even needs a new coat of paint look.

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Anyhoo, business names aside, this is an interesting story with some frumpy protesters to mock, so I thought I’d give you a little breakdown. Egg were purchased last year by Citigroup (hence my swish title for this post) and they decided to get rid of a load of credit card clients because, and I quote:

they are people we decided we no longer wish to lend money to regardless of their status
- Egg

Awesome. I love the straight shooting, none PR speak there. Obviously there are some who don’t, mostly customers I must admit, and mostly those who pay their credit card bill in full every month. That’s just super for them, but it means that Egg (what’s known as a business by the higher order) misses out on all those lovely interest payments. Which we can’t be doing with, obviously, so they got rid of 7% of their customers. Great, I love the idea, and I will buy the guy who thought of it a beer, as a mark of respect for their ingenuity.

As usual people are screaming from the rooftops about how shitty Egg has suddenly become, and how they’ve lost a lot of customers (no shit Sherlock, about 7% to be exact) but this one commentator stood out among all the rest.

If they deem fit to remove my Egg card, I shall be removing my Egg Savings (which has a far larger balance than my Egg card!)
- Mary

Okay. Now on the face of it that seems like a pretty fair decision. But if you read between the lines, it makes so little sense, you may wet yourself from laughing. You have been warned.

Now, we can safely assume that this Mary bloke has a decent amount of savings, otherwise why would he even bother, right? Okay. And now he’s saying that because Egg took his credit card off him (which carried zero balance I’ll add) he will move his savings? So either he’s going to reduce the interest he’s earning on that money to make a point to Egg, or he’s with Egg purely out of laziness and he could already be getting a better deal elsewhere. Take your pick. Of course, both result in him being labelled a jackass by myself, and probably others, but hey, I’m sure he’s used to it. He is, after all, a man called Mary.

You know, I’ve just had a thought. Maybe it’s a women…. Naaah. And before I sign off for today, I just noticed this other guy (no really, his name is Trevor) who apparently is so emotionally over-active he got really rather tearful when he read the letter saying his card was being cancelled. Mmmkay, that dude needs help.

Fair enough if that’s what they want to do, but don’t send a really upsetting letter that makes it sound like we have a bad credit history all of a sudden
- Trevor Smith

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How about if they called the bed, “My First Fuck Station” ? Hmm, or “The Tight Sleeper” ? You may have to think about that second one. I’m so sick, I apologise. Just illustrating how ridiculous this crazy woman is.

She’s not very culturally aware either, for example, in Chile the term Lola and Lolo (think of Bob and Robert if you don’t get the connection) are both used everyday to refer to young children. I don’t see any wild Chileans (seriously, that’s the plural) dancing about over the word… do you?

How about Japan, where Lolita refers to a fashion movement, designed to mimic the look of young girls? Nothing wrong with that, those crazy Japanese always do things differently. It’s brilliant, don’t get me wrong! Of course Lolita was also the 969th most popular American girls name in 1990, as well as being a town in Texas. Useful pronoun all round then.

Okay, I’ll admit it, I’ve gone off on a little rant here about how the name Lolita is a complete non-issue, but let’s not forget that she was the (indirectly) eponymous lead in the novel from Vladimir Nabokov. In the story, an uncle falls in love with a twelve year old girl. Boo hoo, sob sob, that’s sick etc etc. Who cares. A great many people have read the book, it is important literature, and I don’t see why this is suddenly a no go for current generations.

The name itself, interestingly, comes from the Spanish word for suffering, Dolores, which when shortened, becomes Lola (don’t ask me how). But anyway, all this of course begs the question, why name a bed such anyways?? Makes little to no marketing sense to me, but as the spokesperson for Woolworths stated, they had no idea of the connotations. Clearly they pulled this name out of their ass then…? Whatever, it’s a perfectly reasonable name, and the brain dead Mrs Hanly (and others, I have no doubt, please don’t think this is personal) should really open their eyes to the real word. It would save them a lot of embarrassment.

And I couldn’t resist leaving you with one last quote from that dopey cow. Enjoy!

I expect a company like Woolworths to actually know what it means and the connotations and stuff
-Catherine Hanly

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I’m sorry, but if you think people need this image in their morning newspaper to link teenage girls with provocative behaviour, you seriously need to catch up with the times. This is what school girls do. In fact, what’s wrong with any girl (under, let’s say, fifty) showing off her body? I don’t have a problem with that, and no smart arse, it’s not just because I’m a guy. We live in a, supposedly, free country, remember? People can do what they like as long as it falls within the stringent guidelines of our democratic society. Yeh.

Of course, I fail to see where this would cause “serious or widespread offence”, if any. Who exactly would complain?? Guys definitely wouldn’t, older women wouldn’t, women who swing that way wouldn’t, and the demographic the picture depicts? Well, they may get the wrong idea and start idolising this girl as some kind of role model, but other than that, no offence. Maybe it’s just the complete morons who like to complain about things they feel are inappropriate. Well, excuse me, but I didn’t think you had the right to shove your opinions down my throat, and influence what I read/watch/listen to. Oh wait, we live in a free country, my bad.

Needless to say, from a company that has been in various advertising debates previously, Ryanair told the ASA to shove it. No really, they said they would continue to run the ad, unaltered. Rock on!! The comments made by the Head (yes, you heard me, he’s in charge!) of Communications, Peter Sherrard, echo my thoughts exactly:

“This isn’t advertising regulation, it is simply censorship. This bunch of unelected self-appointed dimwits are clearly incapable of fairly and impartially ruling on advertising.”

What’s even more amusing is that, of the three newspapers who placed the ad in front of 3.5 million readers, just a single complaint was received. That paper said it wouldn’t run the ad again… fair enough, presumably out of fear of losing that reader? Whatever. What’s even better is that the remaining two papers, who received exactly zero complaints, also said they wouldn’t rerun the ad. Huh?? I don’t get it.

Just one last point about Ryanair though, I urge you to read this article from The Wall Street Journal, as it has some absolutely fantastic quotes from the Chief Executive, Mr O’ Leary, about how he runs his business. I think he’s going to be my role model, not the half naked school girl. I dunno, he just strikes me as being easier to imitate.

Kinda depressing though, that they wanted to keep the ad running, and no newspapers will accept it. Hmm, wonder if I could find a copy somewhere…..

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What a douche.

Surely he realised that, as a basic security measure, old cards would no longer work when the new one was activated? Nope, he must be a very narrow minded individual with nothing better to do than try to claim compensation for this little snafu. Seriously, he did try and claim compensation. The bank declined his request, partly because he was being a douche, but also because they failed to see, as I still do, exactly where this was the bank’s fault.

I’m sure someone will explain it to him soon. And at least someone who left a comment feels the same as me… that this is a fucking brilliant innovation, and I want it here as soon as possible.

Personally i think this Pete guy is a little OTT and frankly I’m surprised to be reading about something so trivial on the register.
– Richard

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Incredible enough, the guy is minted, and buys nice things. But some people aren’t happy with that. Oh no. As you can see from some of the comments here, there seems to be some mentality of hating success in this country. Well, hating success, or just uncontrollable jealousy. Why people think it is wrong to spend such amounts of money on completely discretionary things I don’t know, what’s even worse is, for whatever reason, they seem to think it appropriate to demand justification for his actions. Amazing. It sickens me it really does.

The guy is buying this plate to put on his £320,000 hyper car, and as far as I’m concerned, he can do so for whatever reason he likes. He might think it’s an investment, which I guess it is, or he might think he’ll look cool driving around with that plate on his car. And he definitely will, though you’ll be hard pushed to find anyone to admit it…

Hell, he may just be doing it so he can say “he did it” (sound familiar?) even so, I really don’t mind, more power to him. The man earned his money through hard work and intelligence (not that I have a problem with people who inherit amazing amounts of money, they don’t even have to work for it, lucky bastards) and he can spend what is his, however the hell he wants. I’m not going to lay any laws down about the freakin’ morality of spending all this money on ’stuff’ when there are people starving around the world. Who gives a flying rat’s ass about them?? His money, his rules. And I’ll defend him to the death. In fact, I’ll defend him until I have that much money to drop on a flamboyant number plate myself, because then I’ll have to divert my defensive skills some what.

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No.

They also saw fit to censor the word ‘drugs’. Drugs! I am not kidding here, the BBC thought it would be best if they didn’t mention the D word, you know, for fear of sending hundreds of teenagers out onto the street to purchase Crack Cocaine and off themselves….?? Of course. That’s what any logical human being would think, right? Wrong!!

This censorship just goes to illuminate the path down which this country is being led. And, it’s not some carefully made crazy paving, framed by arches of trailing ivy. It’s most definitely a rusty metal grill, where we all have to wear tagged electro-magnetic boots, so we can be tracked and controlled 24/7.

Just a quick glance across the BBC brought up the following tragedies of so called ‘free-speech’… Be strong, please.

• Dog leash goths ‘hounded off bus’
• Three Little Pigs ‘too offensive’
• EastEnders stabbing angers fans

Okay, so dog leash girl, as I have branded her, is a little odd but still, human rights etc. pretty much cover the clothes you wear don’t they? Or have I been horribly misinformed, and we all wear orange jumpsuits now? Having said that… we are told what to wear when we ride a motorbike. What if I don’t want to wear a helmet? What the fuck business is it of the Governments? I guess I could just become a stupid fucking minority and get whatever the hell I wanted (yeah, it’s Sikhism you uncultured dumb ass) And that leads me nicely onto the second outrageous story.

How about the offensive little pigs? Well, again, I think that little story will still be told all across the country, however, god forbid some religious Nazi over hears you, because they’ll be quick to segregate some minority or other that can be seen as a victim. Why? I honestly have no idea. Other than my usual stance of course, that human beings are terrible, terrible, horrible things. I know, I am, and you are, and you are, and you are (if you imagine I’m looking round the room when you read that, it makes more sense). We all are, we can’t help it, that’s just the way life is. Doesn’t mean I have to like it though, and it doesn’t mean we can’t try and reinforce the illusion that it’s not that bad.

The last story is a little more puzzling however, you’ll have to give it a read (it’s only short, don’t worry) and come back to me. I, obviously, don’t watch TV such as this, and thus am completely uninformed as to how the stabbing actually went down. I can only assume that people are getting onto their high horses because the very mention of ‘knives’ is somehow taboo? Nope, I don’t understand either.

Sigh. Sorry for the kinda long rant, just thought I’d share. Thanks for enduring

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But finally we have started the race into the Twenty First Century, just 8 years late, with the introduction of optic fibre to ‘around 600 new homes‘ in ‘either Bournemouth, Northampton or Dundee‘. Wow. Great news there then. I guess sometime in the next half decade I might get the chance to move to a large city and experience some form of high speed Internet. Meh, it’s cool, I’ll just move to America and get a properly unlimited connection for half the price.

Exaggeration aside however, the article does mention that BT is still not convinced of demand… Bullshit. Look, you run fibre to my house, I will happily pay upto, hmmm, what, £60 - 70 a month? for a properly unlimited 50Mb/25Mb Internet connection. And when I say ‘properly unlimited’ I mean properly unlimited. That means no ‘unlimited, but only between midnight and 6am’ or ‘unlimited, but as long as you don’t go over 50Gb a month’ or even worse ‘unlimited as long as you stay within the unbelievably blurry guidelines of our fair usage policy’. I want proper unlimited Internet, at high speed, and I want it for around £30. That is, after all, what the rest of the world gets, why not here? Ahh, because we don’t live in a free country any more… something like that anyway.

Here’s the original article anyway, for those interested.

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• TorrentFreak
• reddit
• Digg
• Mashable

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But it’s cool, I got a phone call from my credit card company asking if this was in fact a legitimate charge (before I knew what was going on mind, it was about 9AM, I was barely alive) to which I replied ‘Sure, why not’. Oops. But never fear, Dreamhost have already charged the money back to my card, no harm done.

Still pretty awesome watching this thing unfold over the day though. For example, as I read about the incident this morning there were 400 comments to the status website, now there are over 1000…. Cool. Most of them bitching about being charged over fees because they’re either broke, or bouncing off their credit limit. Meh, whatever. If your bank doesn’t refund you once you explain (in fact, I’d be surprised if they even charged you in such a short time period) then you should seriously consider switching banks.

I chucked in my two cents of course (American company) under the imaginative pseudonym of ‘Ben’ so you can check it out over on those two sites if you like. I get told to fuck off by another customer, who was sadly born without a sense of humour. It’s good shit

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Other than that, I will be starting some regular features, mainly to get me back into the swing of writing for the blog, I must admit I got lazy last month. So, here we go, the shiny new 2008 me, ready to attack the world and shove my opinion down your throat. Nah, I’m just messing with ya, you people can swallow this stuff up just fine…

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Of course there is actually a good reason (excuse?) why I have slipped back in to my relaxed update schedule, and that is to get a nice level playing field of visitors to the site. Starting in the new year (which isn’t as far away as ‘next year’ sounds) I will increase the frequency of my posts. Hopefully this will have a positive effect on the site’s readers, it would be terrible if that had a negative effect after all, but I must also refrain from doing any spur-of-the-moment advertising as I did last month. It kind of nullifies the results. A little. I’m such an idiot =)

Oh well, live and learn, live and learn. And I will conclude by wishing you a very Merry Christmas (or happy holiday, if you’re a religious nut job) and a Happy New Year. See you on the other side of the calendar!

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Instead, I have been monumentally busy with the Viznau site, and things are progressing very nicely. I have plenty of Web Two-Oh features, and many more to come, as well as bug fixes and more reporting functions than the current set of graphs and pies. So overall, good things are happening. If you want to get involved just drop me a line, and I’ll set you up with a beta testing account. As for the current user set, I was astounded to learn just yesterday that I am earning more from ads on Viznau than on benjaminallen.co.uk. Don’t ask me to explain how that works, but hey, it’s all good =)

I’m sorry I have been neglecting the blog recently, obviously this will change now I’m officially on holiday from University (but alas, not work) and no longer have to feel bad about not going… So stay tuned for lots of pictures, films, stories and random junk that has no other home. Good times!

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Although syndicating my blogger feed (the only place I can directly post photographs from my phone to) into this, my proper blog, is proving to be very troublesome indeed. In fact, I would say it’s being an absolute bitch right now. Every plugin I have tried keeps replicating every post, which is ridiculous, and means I end up with a whole gaggle of freakin blog posts, which are all the same. In case you didn’t realise that’s not a good thing.

So I will continue with the search for a suitable solution, but for now you will simply have to make do with visiting http://benjaminallenlifeontheroad.blogspot.com/ too, if you want to see the many odd things I see during my day. Sorry!

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Oh, and it’s assigning the author of the post to be ‘admin’ which makes no sense. Apologies for that too, it really is me… honest.

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I do a lot of walking around everyday, and I wanted something that could make my endless adventures just a little more fun. So I thought I should start up my new Mobile Blogger account, and begin sending photographs that I take on the road straight to it. This means I no longer have the boring delay and hard work of getting the pictures from my phone to the Internet! Awesome!

Obviously the images are not as high quality as the ones I upload myself, but I will probably work out some way of people getting the full size pictures, as they will still be on my phone. But that’s for the future, right now just enjoy the stream of photos I will be bringing to my blog.

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And did my traffic increase? Well, I can’t really tell, due to my shortsightedness of running a little ad campaign mid way through the month, which temporarily increased my traffic for some random period. Oops. My bad.

So I can’t really tell what happened, but I can say this, that I was a little flawed. I suppose posting a quote of the day isn’t really a strong magnet to draw people back to my site, even if it is every day. So I hereby nullify that experiment! Ha. What a waste of time that was, I hope at least one of you enjoyed my endless toil and slavery.

What experiment do you think I should do this month? I was considering setting up a Blogger blog, so I can send picture messages to it, and get them published whilst I’m on the road. Well, not on the road of course, but correctly and safely parked at the roadside… Sound good? Opinions please! I want ideas people, come on, come on!

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Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.

Michel de Montaigne

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

Isn’t that the truth! Sorry, slipped into some kind of accent there, completely didn’t mean to. And I’m back… I heartily agree with your opinion Micheal. Trying to remember something is doomed from the start, but the most awful memories are often the ones which we have tried to forget on every occasion. Wonder why? Meh, who cares.

And this last quote? Well, whatever this woman is smoking, she should stop. The last thing I want at the end of along day is a book. Let alone a good one. Why tax ones mind, when you can simply turn on a good TV program and be entertained? Makes scarce little sense to me, but hey, each to his own.

Just the knowledge that a good book is awaiting one at the end of a long day makes that day happier.

Kathleen Norris

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Fools rush in where fools have been before.

Unknown

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

Can you even have a quote, where you don’t know who said it? Surely that’s just you saying the words in that order? Aren’t you then, the, umm, quotee? Ahh well, I have no idea, being the fool I am.

A young fool I’ll add. Which means I should not expect anything of me, for I am inadequate. And a youth. And when I grow old I will sit and mooch off my young. Mmmm, the circle of life. Simply wonderful isn’t it!

Never suffer youth to be an excuse for inadequacy, nor age and fame to be an excuse for indolence.

Benjamin Haydon

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Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science.

Henri Poincare

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

First quote today, and another one of those ridiculous names. Poincare?? Whatever dude. More importantly however is what he said. And I know of several people who insist that their endless rants are in fact intelligence, when really, as the quote states, they are nothing more than verbal bullshit. I know too that I am guilty of said rants on occasion… But only when I’m in the company of those who will believe it =)

And this would be the second quote from the King, again, I’m hoping that because he has been mentioned, the ‘Related Posts’ plug-in will find the day when his last quote was featured, but I won’t hold my breath. I do agree to a certain extent, in that I will rise above many people who just want a fight, but I also believe that a healthy hatred of some people is… well, healthy.

So basically, know your enemies. But don’t have too many? Yeh, I think that’s what I’m trying to say.

Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.

Martin Luther King Jr.

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Okay. So, after several emails back and forth (and many more sent with no reply) my laptop has finally been dispatched. Hooray! It left the building in Ireland today, and is estimated at being delivery next Wednesday. However the following, on my ‘Order Status’ page caught my eye… Now, I’m reasonably sure they wanted to say ‘ETA…’ but instead they managed to put ‘ETZ…’. Um, is it just me, or does this not seem right? To make a typo, a human has to be involved, yet for a human to be involved that estimated delivery date would have to be entered manually. WTF?!?

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Laws are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made.
Otto von Bismarck

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

Gotta love the funny. This dude is clearly correct, anyone actually seen sausages being made? Imagine creating some weird dildo like stick of mush and you have some idea. Not nice, is what I’m trying to say.

Amazingly this quote fits well with yesterdays (26th) and for that reason I think you should check out that too. For if you aren’t living, then what’s the point in being alive. Alright, someone probably said that already, but at least I can say that I said it thinking it was original. Oh, and if you’re wondering why I didn’t put a link to yesterday’s quote, it’s because I want to see if that stupid ‘Related Posts’ section down the bottom there, actually works. I’m hoping it will see the ‘26th’ and pick up that post as being related. But then again, it probably won’t. Sigh!

All of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.
Dale Carnegie

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The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
Martin Mull

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

This is so very, very true, and one of the main reasons why I don’t jog. Plus there’s the strenuous exercising and will power required of you. Meh, it’s just not for me.

This last quote was so close to being this it’s not even funny, but I figured I’m constantly telling you that, so here’s a new bit of advice. Basically, don’t ever stop living (and by living I don’t mean not dying) or there is scarce little point to staying alive (by which I do mean not living). If that makes any sense to you, then go forth and live!

To die is nothing; but it is terrible not to live.
Victor Hugo

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Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd.
Allan Goldfein

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

First off, let me just say that if you notice anything odd about this post, such as it didn’t appear when you loaded the page earlier, then it’s your own fault. Not mine. Not mine, because I got up at two in the afternoon to spend the day eating German sausage (literally, no innuendo here) and drinking liberally whilst cheating at a pub quiz. Good times.

If you ever meet me in person, or for that matter, if you ever form an impression of what I would be like to meet then I feel it is important to remember the above quote. For you see, insert quote here. Nice!

And I know this last quote makes little to no sense, but it makes you think, just a little. And a little thinking never hurt anyone, in some cases it can in fact be beneficial. But don’t think too hard, or you may get a, umm… Nah, too easy.

Don’t bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.
William Faulkner

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I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.
Will Durst

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

I’m still in awe of the, umm, awesomeness of this first quote. This dude is a, well, dude! If ever anything has been said that should have been said by me (and in fact, this probably has been said by me, on many occasions) this is it. I cannot believe I am not being given credit.

And we have a inspirational quote to ckose the days events, coming from another amazingly named guy. I mean, Mencken? Sweet.

Oh, and to those that noticed, I apologise for the scant detail in these posts, but I’m out of the office at the moment, so I’m pushed for time and have way too much to do. Hope you don’t mind!

The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught.
H. L. Mencken

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If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Tallulah Bankhead

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

Your quotes today are coming all the way from Manchester! Amazing, the power of the internet. All those tubes. The first quote makes an interesting point that I try to live with. Mistakes happen. Oh well. Live with it. You would only make bigger ones if you didn’t make those, so really you’re better off making the little ones. No matter how big they are.

To finish? Don’t try and control other people’s mistakes! Let them live by their rules. Although that’s not to say you can’t laugh at them when they do fuck up… Laugh away! It’s all good fun.

You have no control over what the other guy does. You only have control over what you do.
A. J. Kitt

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To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
Oscar Wilde

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

Why he didn’t just come out and say directly ‘three quarters of the population are thick as shit’ I don’t know, but it’s definately there. I can tell, because I know this is a fact that should be more widely publicised. For the good of mankind you know. Really.

How many people can I find that believe like I do!? This dude was even an American President! Awesome. Hmm, maybe I’ll be president some day……. :: day dreams ::

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
Franklin D. Roosevelt

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I set off for Lincoln, from my home in Skegness (well, not actually in Skegness, thank god, but close enough) in plenty of time. And when I say plenty, I mean plenty! We’re talking three hours before the lecture starts, for a journey that, at most, takes an hour and half. And yet I miss the lecture. Completely. By, like, an hour. Woop.

Why? Just look at the freaking pictures! Some piddly little accident between a car and a lorry. In other words, some fucking idiot pulled out in front of something because he couldn’t see. And, and this is pure conjecture, I would be willing to bet they couldn’t see on this wonderful sunny day, because they were not wearing sunglasses. Thus, they deserve everything they got. And, seen as no one was hurt (essentially) I think the driver should be shot. Or at least given three points and a 60GBP fine.

After all, you get fined for not wearing a seatbelt, what the fuck for?? And don’t go quoting ‘the one not wearing the seatbelt did the damage‘ shit at me, I don’t give a fuck. If you’re driving, you tell people what to do, it’s your responsibility. If you don’t mind, or more importantly, if you’re on your own, why are you being told what to do in your car?? This is complete bollocks, and is only exacerbated by the fact there is no punishment for the fucking morons who refuse to wear sunglasses when driving in bright conditions. This is completely unacceptable behaviour, and I absolutely believe it causes major accidents. And the culprits? The brain dead trash who you see peering underneath the sunvisor, driving through a small letterbox sized gap, even then still unable to see properly. Mirrors? Pah, who needs mirrors! Fuckers.

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You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, though it does big things badly, does small things badly, too.
John Kenneth Galbraith

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

You have to love the irony of this quote, coming out at this exact time, surely. Well I do. How the hell did they manage to lose the data? Well, to be honest, they didn’t lose the data. The Royal Mail lost the data. Okay, I know I’m being pedantic, but it goes much deeper than that. The second they needed the send the data anywhere (geographically speaking) they lost it. Nothing is 100% bullet proof, and this is why people should relax. I will end my rant before it begins (I’m really tight on time today, my apologies) by posting the same comment I posted to the BBC website. Needless to say, this is the only place it will be approved…

“Wow. People seriously need to calm down, I mean just posting a comment is giving the BBC plenty of information about you…

You people sicken me!”

And finally something from my future. As many of you are aware I very much hope to be self employed early on in my working life, and to do so I need to follow advice of others who have gone before me. Actually this quote is even better than that, because I read the book it came from. Awesome, no? I read a book. Can’t quite believe it myself.

All existing business models are wrong. Find a new one.
Hugh Macleod

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Oh, and although it looks like I just stuck my camera out of the window as I drove past, I really didn’t… I had to stop. However, if I had my dream camera, I guess I would have done that. Or been in the back of a Range Rover laying down, with a telephoto lens, and James at the wheel… hmmmm, one day.

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I am a deeply superficial person.
Andy Warhol

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

A beautiful oxymoron today from none other than dead wierdo artist Andy Warhol. Well, that’s how I see him anyway, I’m sure you can probably tell me why I’m wrong. I won’t listen, but hey, you can try…

Another quote here, again in the vein of just doing things. Like I keep reminding you, if you sit around and do squat, squat will happen. However, if you really want stuff, go ahead and work towards it! Of course, you may not be bothered about doing stuff, in which case just carry on sitting there. Be my guest. See if I care. Hmm, not sure why I started getting bitchy there. I apologise.

Every time we say, “Let there be!” in any form, something happens.
Stella Terrill Mann

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We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us.
George Eliot

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

Okay, I know we shouldn’t but come on, we do don’t we? And it’s a very, very bad thing. Not good at all. So just remember that you are whatever people make of you, and their opinion is everything…………….. No, hang on, that’s wrong. You are whatever you want to be! Just do it ya idiot! Don’t bother worrying about what other people think, or how they are going to react, or what they are going to say. Unless of course you are about to rob a bank, in which case the ‘people‘ are likely to be shooting at you. Gotta look out for that.

To finish, I must admit, that if you hang around with me, you will become a total moron. You’ll be successful, but I feel there is always time to piss around…

Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run around with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened.
Stanley Walker

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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Jack Handy

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

This first comment made me literally laugh out loud. If anyone was wondering what makes me laugh, it is humour exactly like that. Why can’t everyone be that funny? The world would be an awesome place.

The last comment today is something you should go away and think about, and definately act upon. Trying to decide what you want in life is always going to be difficult, and it will probably change over the course of your life time, let alone today and tomorrow. But at least if you have lots of stuff to look forward to and work toward, you’re going to hit some of it, at least some of the time.

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
Ben Stein

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Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
Lily Tomlin

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

A couple of short ones this time round, probably due to the time of day… yeh, it’s late, and I have to be up in the morning, as I was this morning, at six. ish. First up, I agree whole-heartedly with this view, and in fact know of several people who also agree, however I don’t think they’ll be owning up. One problem with drugs of course is the price. After all, reality is cheaper to live with.

And finally, a beautiful insight that I try to keep in mind whilst writing. Learn damn it! Use brilliant flowery sentences as often as possible, and don’t be afraid to swear. Nothing wrong with swearing. Fuck! Well, maybe if it’s completely gratuitous. Maybe.

Learn as much by writing as by reading.
Lord Acton

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Interestingly, from this angle it looks almost (discounting the wheel) like a 911 of some description. Hmm. Odd that. Wonder what it’s story is? Ahhh, guess we’ll never know. Let’s face it, the Police aren’t going to manage are they…

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The whole world is in revolt. Soon there will be only five Kings left–the King of England, the King of Spades, The King of Clubs, the King of Hearts, and the King of Diamonds.
King Farouk of Egypt

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

Well, whilst not strictly true (although he could still be correct, just stretching the meaning of ’soon’) this is a very beautiful quote. I like to picture the King of Spades as the worker, the King of Clubs as the warrior, the King of Hearts as the lover and the King of Diamonds as the dude who owns your ass.

Yeh, that did kinda trail off there. Hmm.

The last quote today comes from someone with a ridiculously daft name, and is very true. Again, this is one I live by. After all, what is life but what we make of it? And if I want to run a quiet little blog, and have fun with my mates (often in incredibly dangerous ways, more coming on that soon… ahhh, the memories. Good times, good times.) then why the hell shouldn’t I?

The only true happiness comes from squandering ourselves for a purpose.
William Cowper

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All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.
George Orwell

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

A late one today, and some good news - the first episode has been recorded! Good times people, hopefully it will be available for download sometime this evening, if not, then early tomorrow morning. Woop!

Onto the quote. And boy was this a tough one! Seriously, I could have picked any of the possible daily quotes this time round, but in the end I went for the iconic. The classic. The truly universal. Yes, from Mr Orwell himself, the ‘more equal’ than others’ quote. I mean, was there really any competition? Not really. I do hope the others roll round again though, as they were pretty good.

And the secondary quote? Really doesn’t stand a chance does it. Although I must just say this does go against some of my principles, in that I always try to finish what I start… I featured it however, as the date intrigued me. This was spoken in none other than the 17th century. I mean wow! They thought this that long ago? We should all have flying cars and be eating space food by now, this dude was way ahead of his time.

Never read a book through merely because you have begun it.
John Witherspoon

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Of course that is if a lot needs editing, I really have no idea. All I know for sure is that having recorded a few minutes of us talking, my voice seems very, very low and boomy, and everyone else sounds great. Damn it! I thought I did well buying a nice mic, but obviously not. I will probably shoot out and get a desktop microphone tomorrow, to see how that acts, but otherwise all is good. I don’t sound terrible, thus I’ll do.

So, having left you with that tidbit, I will head off for the night, and see you all tomorrow. Good times!

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One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
Nancy Astor

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

Obviously this makes no sense, but you know, she was a politician so we must fogive her some short falls. Well, all of them really. Life is short, who doesn’t drink?!? Wierdo.

Awesome! A quote from Michael Jordan. Just says it all really. I hope I won’t fail too much before succeeding though.

I have failed many times, and that’s why I am a success.
Michael Jordan

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The worst thing about Europe is that you can’t go out in the middle of the night and get a Slurpee.
Tellis Frank

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

Now for those uncultured people out there a Slurpee is basically a milkshake thing (I think, maybe a slushee type ice drink) that they serve in fast food joints, and Seven Elevens and such other convenience stores in America. Genius, I think you’ll agree. And why would you want this? Because it’s nice. Unfortunately here in Europe, and more importantly to me, England, is that nothing as good as it is in the States. Because this country sucks. Nothing is open for very long, no where serves really, really unhealthy food, everyone treats you like shit… the list goes on. I think it is mainly the people that do it though. In general (and by that I mean, everybody but my friends) is an absolute bastard to you. You meet someone in the street they hate you. You meet someone in America and they are nice! Amazing concept to get your head around I know, but hey, try it out. You’ll make the UK an better place.

The following? Read it a couple of times and you’ll get it. And honestly, that is how his last name is spelt!

Perfectionism is simply putting a limit on your future. When you have an idea of perfect in your mind, you open the door to constantly comparing what you have now with what you want. That type of self criticism is significantly deterring.
John Eliot

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It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
James Thurber

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

Certainly I try to remember this, and I am often guilty of answering questions before they are asked. Although I must stress this is still better than those dumb shits that simply cannot answer questions, no matter how carefully worded or straight forward. These people drive me nuts. You must know the kind? The morons who insist on being given a list of possible answers before choosing one, with apparant certainty, only to change their mind immediately and umm and ahhh the time away until you lose your patience and punch them to the ground. Usually you answer the question for them at this point.

Finally, it’s sometimes important to remember the following wisdom, no matter how successful and famous and happy and rich (yes, they all come together) you are.

Train yourself to let go of the things you fear to lose.
George Lucas

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Obviously I didn’t blur out this plate… so don’t go round this guys house and steal his car or anything, because I’ll be, like, a tiny, tiny bit responsible.

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In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Ellen DeGeneres

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

Another funny quote today, this time from someone with an equally funny name. Seriously? Ellen was bad enough, but when you know your surname is as ridiculous as DeGeneres, I think you’re just being cruel. It almost sounds like degenerates which is never good…

Let the following too be a lesson to you in life. Never give up damn it!

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
Maureen Dowd

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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

So, why this quote? Well, I thought it was funny! Nothing wrong with just having a laugh every now and then, and what better time that when you’re tired and can’t be bothered to choose a quote requiring any real insight. Sorry.

And to finish, the following is certainly where my life is going, and I can foresee me saying this very thing many a time in my future life…

I ran the wrong kind of business, but I did it with integrity.
Sydney Biddle Barrows

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It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.
Neil Gaiman

Thanks to quotationspage.com.

Well, to aid in my posting once a day challenge this month I have had to employ some devious trickery to ensure you keep coming back. And that I succeed of course. And the first of those tricks is to use Quotations Page’s QOTDs (that’s ‘quote of the day’ if you didn’t realise) to syndicate a quote or two. Obviously I will be selecting the best of the four they produce, for your pleasure, and giving my view on why that is the best. Feel free to check out their site though, it’s a great way to waste a few hours, and there are some fantastic quotes to discover. Listen to me! I sound like an advertisment for crap’s sake. Never mind. Just go look when you have a free minute.

Onwards however, why this quote? Well, because this is (and always has been for that matter) my attitude in life. The rich get richer whilst the poor get poorer and all that, is absolute truth in today’s modern society, and if you don’t embrace and surrender to that you’re not going anywhere. Plain and simple. Sorry you tree hugging, ecomentalist, anti-corporate, anti-consumerist types, you’re an endangered species. And I know many agree with me… Well let me tell you this for nothing. Those are the people going to the top. It’s going to be great!

And to finish, again, on par with my world view, is the following piece of motivational brilliance that you should live every day by…

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
Martin Luther King Jr.

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And here it is: They’re utter shit!. Obviously this is a short review, but that’s because I wouldn’t give Virgin the time of day, let alone any more of my precious time than they already have. And they’ve certainly taken a lot. Sat waiting for pages to load is something I thought I left behind in the 56K era, but seriously, they managed to bring it back. They’ve gone retro apparently, but I’m sorry to say it hasn’t really worked. No, let me rephrase that, it was a really, really bad idea from the start, and they need to shape up before someone else gets my business.

What is it with customer service these days? It really has gone out the window (and all the way to India, might I add). But that’s enough of my un-PC ranting, I will let you return to your every day lives, whilst I struggle on trying to load this damn webpage, which will hopefully contain the links to the driver I want for my sound card. Don’t ask. Oh crap, when this page loads I’ll still need to download the… argh! Damn it!!!

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I have been left completely in the dark with regards my order, ever since I sent them a bank statement for address verification. Completely in the dark. I have recevied no calls, no emails, nothing through the post, and cannot lookup the status of my order online as it has still not been entered onto that system. And don’t say I haven’t tried, I have sent two emails over the last five working days, to two different people at Dell, and have I receveied anything back? Hell no. Not even an acknowledgement that my email has been received. Nothing. Nadda. Zip.

Which pisses me off to be quite honest. This is the second time I have tried to order this laptop from Dell and the second time I have had issues. I mean, at least my first attempt was doomed from the start, what with them telling me it would be forever till it arrived right from the get go, but this time there was no warning. I was told ten working days (that was the upper figure quoted too) plus the time it took for the finance documents to be returned to them. Well, it has now been at least ten days, and I have yet to even get the documents myself. How do I sign and return, when they don’t give them to me! I emailed them this very question in fact. I also questioned why, when they were pestering me to send them a bank statement, they sent me three or four emails in the same number of days, and now I actually sent them one they have gone completely quiet. Proabably just sat around doing jack all.

I really, really don’t want to cancel my order again, but I will you know. Yes, I’m talking to you Mr. Dell. You heard me.

As always I will keep the rest of you informed as to what’s going on, as and when (and if) things change, so for now I will bid you farewell. Or something like that…

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As if it’s not obvious, the new one is on the left, and the one on the right has just been removed.

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See something you like? Share it with your friends! Send them along too, there’s fun for everyone. Better yet, leave a comment, or write a response on your own blog. I welcome your criticism! Oh, but before you get all critical on my ass over this post, don’t panic, there will be a real post later, probably a photograph. I’ve been saving up a few goodies for you guys. Hope you enjoy!

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Woah, hold on here! What’s happening? I don’t like change damn it, what are you doing?!?

Yes, yes, I know some of you may just have passed out (hopefully falling out of your chair in the process) but you really need to relax for a minute. First off, yes, this is a new look. Second, depending on when you read this, it is still under development. You heard me right, I am customising this theme some what to suit my needs. Basically I will be streamlining the posts into five or six broad categories, rather than the mess it is in at the moment (just see the categories list to the right if you don’t believe me).

After this, I will go through and correctly tag old posts with as much detail as possible, so I can retain an accurate search funtion, but keep them categorised broadly. This will enable you to dial out the various things that you are not interested in, and keep what you want to see, by selecting a main category from the top bar of the page. Hooray! Should be good, or at least, it is good in my head… If I can transfer that to the digital paper upon which I write this, then I’m laughing all the way to the… umm… bank?

Then I will introduce various other tweaks and modifications to this theme, that I hope will keep you coming back! These include a new advertising partner, new posting strategies and a myriad of other, more secretive goings on, that I can only divulge to my closest acquaintances. So not you!

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Okay, I think I’m relaxed enough to carry on now, forgive me. If you too wish to trip out on the latest and greatest trailer for the most amazing film spectacle of the year, simply check it out right here, in gorgeous HD.

As you can see, this movie is going to blow people away, and I can only hope it’s even better than this trailer makes out. And to be honest, I really doubt it will fall down at that hurdle. Much rather, I think it will be just too good to actually show at cinemas, and therefore never be released. Argh!

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Yeh, well, I was very drunk and then when the wrong people try and talk to me, who have been causing me a lot of problems for a long time, I flip. Sorry, that’s just me. Cut my hand up pretty bad… good times. Sigh.

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Oh and if you’re wondering who it is stamping on his head? Wel I’m afraid if I told you I’d have to kill you…. Oh go on then, it was James.

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Oh, and I apologise for the mis-alignment, we were kind of rushed when we were doing this…

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Don’t stare for too long or your eyeballs may melt. Causing a mess.

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Look, he’s even too cool to close his doors properly. Hmmm, thinking about it I should probably have seen if the car was unlocked… you know, just to make sure nothing could be stolen.

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I mean seriously, did ‘the man’ not think he was asking for trouble by putting a typo right there in the sign! Come on people, use a little common sense now…

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Lets break it down. 11GBP a month is 2.75GBP a week, so to see one film a week it would cost 2.75GBP… I know, I know, it would cost the same to see an unlimited number of films per week, but lets say that pays for one ticket a week for simplicities sake. Don’t want to start any “Inifinite Monkeys” debates here or anything. Not yet anyway… So, one film a week. Now, if I wasn’t a member, this would cost me (conservatively) 4GBP a film, or 16GBP per month. So there is clearly a saving, but would I see one film a week if I could do so cheaply? Absofuckinglutely!!

Lets look at the films coming out later on this year that I will be seeing… Not to mention films out now that I can catch whilst they’re still showing (such as Rush Hour 3, Transformers : The Movie and Bourne Ultimatum). Firstly is probably my most hotly anticipated pick, I Am Legend, an apocolyptic, vampire-esque action flick starring Will Smith as the last human alive on earth… Sounds pretty incredible already doesn’t it, well just wait till you see the teaser (in Hi Def if you can) here. It will blow your mind. Seriously, a single scene in this epic New York shot movie is reported as costing a staggering 5 million bucks. A single scene!! Unbelievable. I’m running out of superlatives, it really is that amazing… So please, go see this film on December 14th, I urge you!!

Oh and just to wet your cinematic appetite, I heard on the grapevine that I, Robot 2 is on it’s way… Holy Hell, that will probably my single favorite film of 2008. Although I do love I, Robot, having seen it about 25 - 30 times since I bought the DVD on release day. Can’t get enough of that film!

So anyway, here’s the list of films I will be seeing in the near future. And don’t worry if you can’t get to watch them, I will be bringing my own wonderful brand of cruel opinion to the review of each… enjoy the trailers!

Sweeney Todd (Jan 25)

Shoot ‘em Up, Trailer (Sept 14)

Dragon Wars, Trailer (not Apple) (No UK release as yet)

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Trailer (No UK release as yet)

Hitman, Trailer (Oct 19)

National Treasure II: Book of Secrets, Trailer (Feb 8 )

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, Trailer (Dec 14)

Beowulf, Trailer (Nov 16)

American Gangster, Trailer (Nov 16)

Thirty Days Of Night, Trailer (Nov 2)

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I must also mention my latest sighting of a Police car (again, unfortunately I didn’t note the registration) blatently speeding through the middle of Skegness, down a residential road of all places at around 11pm last night. I know the more brain-washed amoung you will be screaming ‘he/she was probably going somewhere important’… Well answer me this, I can understand no siren, but no blue lights? That’s reckless driving, and there is no excuse for that.

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El : Eww! That lime tastes like ass!
Ed : Jake’s ass tastes like limes?
Ben : Yeh, Jake’s got one of those new bidets that doubles as a juicer.

Well, it seemed funny at the time… Get those quotes sent in!

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Apparently, the same men, women and children who enjoy venting their adverse feelings towards the football culture are the first to jump on the unsteady England bandwagon when the World Cup or European Football Championship is taking place. While anti-sporting folk with the slightest inkling of common sense continue their regular lifestyles unabated, the same cannot, unfortunately, be said across the board. Thousands upon thousands of individuals emerge from their normal day-to-day schedule of writing epic poetry and snorting cocaine out of a homeless man’s rectal crevice and join in with the patriotic jingoism that would not have looked out of place in the heady days of the British Empire. After all, the likes of Beckham, Owen and Rooney have been their idols for years and will finally lead the nation to international glory. “If England don’t win”, such World Cup fans declare, “I’ll just die.” If life was really that simple, the deaths of thousands of adolescent girls might actually alleviate concerns that the average English IQ is at a sub-standard level.

When the long-awaited sporting showpiece finally arrives, the reactions of the public are all too predictable. As the tournament commences, and the England team manages to struggle past mighty nations such as Angola and Tunisia, cries of “Yes! We stuffed ‘em! Come on England!” ring through the streets. Quite what these people actually contributed to the victory remains a mystery. If the “loyal” supporters really did have such a strong impact upon the team’s fortunes, perhaps a more accurate translation of such jubilant sentiments would be “Ha! That’ll teach you to live in a Third World Country! White power!” On the off-chance that England might be pulverised by a developed Western country, however, the situation is somewhat different. A leisurely bout of good, old-fashioned rioting is followed by disgruntled supporters murmuring that they knew England would never win, or that this year’s scapegoat should be chemically castrated for having the audacity to have his penalty saved by the opposing goalkeeper. And so the circle begins again.

The bandwagon phenomenum is not, however, restricted to football. For two weeks every year, the general public remembers that a sport known as tennis exists, conveniently in time to indulge in some hard-hitting action at Wimbledon. Nobody has experienced the public fervour, that transforms dramatically into hatred and resentment, than English sport’s favourite son, Tim Henman. With “Tiger Tim” widely expected to announce his professional retirement from the game in the coming week, nothing would give me more pleasure than for him to give his “fans”, as well as the ever-supportive media, a well-earned middle-finger salute. Seducing each and every one of their wives and girlfriends would simply add the finishing touches to Henman’s conquest for revenge against a group of people who have torn away at every last shred of his credibility. Maybe a few chants of “Come on Tim!” at the press conference will be enough to finally make the Tiger snap and devour his oppressors. Come on Tim!
Such analysis of this set of circumstances seen in Britain on such a regular basis begs the question of what can be done in order to restore the long-forgotten sense of national normality. Perhaps the government could urge the public to develop a greater interest in the world of American sports, in which the mid-game fights gather much more prestige than the issue of which team wins. Combat sports, such as boxing and mixed martial arts may also be the answer, as in-ring combatants are known to be completely indifferent to the opinions of their fans. There may be no better option, however, than to bribe the English football team to intentionally fail to qualify for the international tournaments. After all, money and personal gain means significantly more to our sporting icons that honour or sportsmanship ever could. Moreover, if the authorities found out about such developments, the most probable outcome would be that England are prohibited from entering any future competitions for a lengthy period of time. All in all, a win-win situation. And when the faecal matter makes direct contact with the proverbial fan, those who were wise enough to stay out of footballing scene can leave with the delightful sense of self-satisfaction that truly makes our country great.

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Jake : You heard that new song by Alter Bridge?
James : Any good?
Jake : It’s like listening to sex.

There was a surreal silence, followed by riotous laughter, but I still can’t work out whether this is a good or bad metaphor to use. Seriously, sex? James confessed that about a year back whilst listening to Jake have sex (long story) he would rather have been stabbing himself in the face, so no, it doesn’t always work… But for when it does, boy, it works well.

Hopefully I will be bringing you more examples of our work in these posts, so get send in those memories, I never was too good at remembering those, umm, well, remembering…

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Seriously watch the video, and I heard afterwards that by the time he was almost out and the water got that little bit deeper, the front wheels were just aqua-planing over the surface. Yep, that’s what a front wheel drive hunk-o-junk will do when you place it in a situation more suited to a four wheel drive rally car… In fact it also wasn’t good because the engine bay and various holes in the body work let the car literally fill with water. It was leaking all over the place for about ten minutes afterwards.

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A little background… basically the petrol station computers malfunctioned, just as I was about to fill up might I add, and they had to close the pumps. What posessed them to get the most illiterate person there to write up this explanation we will never know, but hey, at least it provided us with a laugh. Seriously, a spelling error is wrong, but two in the same hand scrawled sign!?!

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VizNau.com is being used for the second beta of my online money management program, as Adolpi is being retired after 3 months of development. Don’t worry my time was not wasted, far from it in fact, I have learnt many things from this excercise and they will be carried forward into the VizNau (pronounced ‘viznow’) Project. I will also be a little more detailed in my blogging on the subject, so you can stay informed on the progress, and hopefully learn a few tricks along the way. Not that you need them, but you know…

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09-f9-11-02-9d-74-e3-5b-d8-41-56-c5-63-56-88-c0

On the surface a rather uninspiring string of hexadecimal. But when we dig further… yes, just an uninspiring string of hexadecimal.
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If you have done any web development work with CSS then you will know what a pain getting a fixed footer is, however with a little help from the internet, although mostly my own solution, I managed to create the following. It is fully cross browser, and the only negative point is that it introduces a slight vertical scroll bar on every page, regardless of content. Other than that a fully working, fixed footer! Great stuff.

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Now, apart from the truly clumsy grammar and sentence structure, which can just about be excused, the absolute killer for me was misuse of ‘their’. How is it someone in charge of an entire hospital (I’m only guessing that’s what a Hospital Director does, please, correct me if I am mistaken) can make such primary school error in their English? Is this person illiterate? My younger sister knows the difference between ‘their’, ‘there’, and ‘they’re’ without even thinking about it. Sort it out!

What other mistakes can I spot? Well that’s for you to find out of course, be sure to leave a comment.

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Yes, that’s what my blog is about. No! I just wanted to introduce you to what I will hope to be including in the posts to come. Some background; I am currently finishing my first year at the University of Lincoln, UK, studying for something called a BA in Web Technology. Hooray. I think… What does this degree involve? Well it revolves around a few ‘units’ or subjects including Scripting, Creative Tech and something called ‘Organisations and Systems’. Yeh, all pretty self explanatory, the latter being exceedingly boring, repetitive and work-intensive. Speaking of work (yes, it does still happen) I will be posting my work here soon, for you to download at leisure. I will also include the grades I achieved and the notes on what could be improved so you can see more detail in what your looking at. Of course I’m definately not endorsing any kind of plagiarism, but copies will be here. Online. 24/7.

What else to do with university? Hmm, we don’t do much, but I may write about the exciting things that happen, or the interesting things I see, other than that I think University is pretty much covered.

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