Benji's Balls

Move along now, nothing to see here

2009-01-23T18:15:00.009+00:00

I don't spend much time round here any more, so do pop over to Benji's Blog for a much sexier, multi-Benji experience, or click the links to the left to find me piffling around elsewhere on the web.

By all means have a rummage around this blog, but I'm telling you it's largely waffle. For example, I once predicted that Cesc Fabregas would never make it at Arsenal because he was too small. In the same post I asserted that Arturo Lupoli would be a Premier League sensation. Thanks.

Football and Sex

2008-09-18T16:21:00.004+00:00

As you might have deduced from this cunningly rendered image to the left, I have started a new blog, entitled Football and Sex. It is not just about football and sex. It is about football and lots of things- an occasional musing on football and something else. Look out for Football and Race, Football and Iain Duncan Smith, and Football and Jesus. But the first post and the title is Football and Sex because I am shallow and frivolous. ##UPDATE: I AM UPDATING F&S WITH ALARMING IRREGULARITY, BUT WILL GET BETTER, HONEST.##

Better than me

2008-09-11T11:24:00.002+00:00

Hello all. Just popping in to tell you a few things that are better than me.

1) The Gaffer
This is better than me in many ways. It is also run by a superb chap by the name of Thom Gibbs. He is better than me. It is prolific and very funny, including wonders such as Les Reed's tactical masterclasses, and the recent revelation that Alan Curbishley never actually met Hayden Mullins.

2) The Fiver
This is better than me again for many reasons. It is run by the motley Grauniad.co.uk footy team, who are funny. It is a bit of an in-joke fest, but that's ok.

3) Jimmy Bullard
Jimmy is better than me at various things. Football, hair, and - crucially - leapfrogging:

the gaffer the fiver thom gibbs jimmy bullard

Introducing...Benji's Bands

2008-03-28T12:52:00.002+00:00

Hello again. As you may have noticed, Benji's Balls has been on an extended slumber, which may or may not be fatal. Let's see.

In the meantime, I've decided to start Benji's Bands, which will infrequently document the gigs that I go and see. Do pop over and peruse my uneducated observations. I can guarantee that it will be slightly more exciting than West Ham's midfield link-up play during the 07-08 season, but not as entertaining as the fact that Robbie Savage has an Armani tattoo.

They think it's all over...

2007-12-20T14:14:00.000+00:00

Well it might well be. Dunno really. As all nine of my regular readers may have noticed, things have been a bit sparse here of late. The amazing truth is that I have been rather (gasp) busy over the last little while, getting paid to write stuff innit. Of all things! So, if I may indulge oneself during this moist-eyed farewell, here were a few of the highlights:

We observed Fergie’s intriguing political dabblings.
We realized that Joey barton is in fact a paradigm of post-Freudian Faginism.
My Balls turned one and I realized that I am more or less a footballing Nostrodamus
We discovered that Steve Maclaren and Gordon Brown are in fact the same person
We watched with sheer joy as Maxi Rodriguez’s ‘flying girl slap’ took the World Cup by storm.

If you’re looking for me, I’ll be writing stuff like “Berlin is really hip, man” in the Grauniad (read my latest pieces here), taking photos of culture and that kind of bizzle here, and doing something or other over at Youngin Europe. If you want to get in touch, follow the email links on the left. No porn spam. Ok, some, but not too much. It’s been emotional.

On Holiday

2007-07-02T15:12:00.000+00:00

Greetings from abroad. Just thought I'd let you know that Benji's Balls will be taking a short vacation whilst I am exploring the cultural intricacies of the continent (see pic). If you are in need of some footballing shits and giggles during my sabbatical, dear readers, all seven of you, including me, simply click on the following.

First up, the ever-excellent Mediawatch over at F365 is, well, excellent. And in an intriguing recent development, Colin Murray seems to have nabbed the saturday Grauniad backpage sports column from right under Russell Brand's nose! Ooh the impudence! (As Brand might chirp). Although it pains me to big up a man with probably the greatest CV on the planet (he presents football, baseball, poker, music- recently the BBC's Glasto coverage) Murray is doing a good job. Read the annoyingly likeable bugger's recent columns here, here, and here. And, of course, do keep those eyes peeled for anything Barney Ronay does. Ooh, and keep an eye on silly season here. Right then, I'm off. Peace in the Middlesbrough.

Oh, just before I go, a quick announcement. Benji's Balls is proud to confirm the signing of Juan Roman Riquelme for the start of the 2007/08 season. If Everton can do it, why can't I?

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related posts:
Vote Fergie Watch: Week Two
Joey Barton: A Fagin of Our Times (part 2)

Related Tags: Mediawatch, Football 365, The Guardian, Colin Murray, Russell Brand, Barney Ronay, Everton, Juan Roman Riquelme

Henry - The Flash Poll

2007-06-17T15:25:00.000+00:00

Will he or won't he? But enough about Ziggy and whether or not he'll nob that northern lass. Guffaw!

It seems the future of The Humble One is in doubt. Either I'm Bill Murray or we did this all last year. But anyway. I decided to poll my Gooner mates on whether or not Arsenal still need Thierry Henry. In doing so, I realised that I have way too many friends who support Arsenal, and will be using this post to let you decide which one should be dispensed of.

So...which gooner should be ceremoniously dumped...you decide. Many thanks, comments at the bottom please. So boys... take it away. Do Arsenal still need Thierry Henry?

Gooner One: Ian Beth
Yes of course we do. I thought you out of all people would find another footballing subject to talk about during the summer. If he leaves i say thank you very much and good luck with your career. If he does not we have a great footballer playing for us. I think the real question should be if Henry leaves what will fill up time on Skysports News and fill columns in the papers.

Gooner Two: Jimmy H
We need him like a fat boy needs cake. Not so much for the premiership, but for his imput in the Champions League where that extra bit of class and experience is required.

Gooner Three: David Brill
Henry on form - there is no team in the world that wouldn't want / need him in their side.

But the jury is out on whether such form is now a thing of the past. He seems to be struggling with injuries that he never had before. Not to mention this issue of 'burnout' from the world cup, which can be perceived as a bit of a wooly excuse. He's nearly 30 and not getting any younger, and might also be getting a bit big for his boots by speaking out about boardroom issues that shouldn't concern him. Also his refusal to categorically commit his future to the club might just suggest that his heart is no longer in it, in which case we should probably let him go.

That's what people say. Not me though. I say he's probably the best player I've ever seen and if he goes I'll be upset. I'd keep him because, even though he may be less likely to hit that form again, if he does he's unplayable. It's the first season he's had any injuries and the man deserves a bloody break for Christ's sake. He's been a brilliant player for us for years, and it pisses me off that people get on his back after just one off season. And he still scored quite a few goals, including the winner against Man Utd. Chain him to the pitch, I say. Obviously leave him enough slack to run around some.

Do we need him? Yes. We don't score enough goals, so of course we do. And personally, I don't think RVP is the player others think he is. He's very good, but I think he is still some way off being a really consistent goalscorer. Likewise Adebayor. Potential? Yes. Bags of goals? Not yet.

Gooner Four: Chay Bainbridge
Thierry was, and may still be great. But trust in Wenger. IF Wenger sells its because he knows he is past it. Long live Samuel Eto'o!

Related Tags: Thierry Henry, Arsenal, Gooners, Arsene Wenger, Barcelona, David Dein

More Taylor Drivel

2007-06-05T07:46:00.000+00:00

Ok, I know I keep on going on about him, but Graham Taylor really is a silly, silly man. This am, in an interview with the Mirror Taylor was dishing out some 'home truths' about our floundering national side. Usual fare; people expect too much from the England side, we've underachieved for a while blah blah.

And then, bang on time, he did it again:

"Steve will have fewer and fewer players to choose from because 60 per cent of Premiership players are foreign, and that number will get higher and higher."

It isn't just that he is a terrible pundit, or that Graham Taylor talking about the England team is about as offensive as it gets (see USA 94)...but the guy is now becomeing some kind of footballing rent-a-xeno. It's pretty much all he does these days- see here and here. Enough is enough. Please someone stop this man.

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related posts
Why?
Oh would you just...

Related Tags: Graham Taylor, Premiership, Foreigners, England, Steve Maclaren, Estonia

Benji's Balls End of Season Awards

2007-05-20T14:32:00.000+00:00

Shit Season XI

Best Story
1) Paddy Kenny Gets Eyebrow Bitten Off By Mate
2) Mourinho Hides in Laundry Basket
3) Added Time MultiBall in Macclesfield

Best Writer
Barney Ronay. Guardian saturday sports sketch writer, has recently infiltrated the haughty pages of G2.

Best Regular Read
Football 365's Mediawatch

Best Entertainment Value
Joey Barton

Best Prediction
Fergie to Retire, Then Pursue Political Career (me). You wait, you just wait.

So, chucks, it's been emotional. Will be infrequently posting over the summer if I feel the need to chew some footballing fat. Also, there is the distinct possibility Benji's Balls will be coming atcha live from South America next season. Which could be mental. Oooow-lay.

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Related Posts
Benji's Balls World Cup 2006 Awards
Centurion!
My Balls Are 1!

Related Tags: Paul Robinson, Matthew Upson, Khalid Boulharouz, Titus Bramble, Gaizka Mendieta, Joey Barton, Ousemane Dabo, Michael Ballack, Andrei Shevchenko, Marlon Harewood, James Beattie, Paddy Kenny, Jose Mourinho, Macclesfield, Barney Ronay, Football 365, Mediawatch, Alex Ferguson, South America, Awards

Cursed Roeder Leaves Newcastle

2007-05-06T21:07:00.000+00:00

Reports are emerging that poor old Glen Roeder has parted company with Newcastle. Whilst this is another case of nice guys finishing last in football, and also a terrbile loss to the 'speaking in the third person' community, perhaps the biggest bummer for Roeder is that..it's happened again.

You see whenever Glen Roeder finishes 7th with a club, the season after always end in tears for him. When he finished 7th with Watford in 94/95 they were relegated the next year. Same thing happened with West Ham after they finished 7th in 01/02.

When Newcastle finished 7th last year, Roeder must have know he'd be in for it this season. If I was him i'd put a team of lawyers on the case to investigate the possibility of sueing the number 7. Teams of lawyers are all the rage these days.

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Related posts
Go on son, go on!!!
Roeder Catches the Toure Bug?

Related Tags: glen roeder, sacked, resigns, newcastle, west ham, watford, 7th, fired, leaves newcastle, freddy shepherd, sam allardyce, alan shearer

Vote Fergie Watch: Week 2

2007-05-02T12:16:00.000+00:00

A clevererer man than me once said: "When things happen quite often you have to start thinking of them as a chain of events rather than a series of isolated incidents, innit."

And, as has been the form on Benji's Balls over the last few weeks, I'm becoming increasingly convinced that Fergie is laying the foundations for a political career post-football. Last week we saw him adding his tuppence to the Scottish Unionist vs Nationalist debate, found out that he has been taking lessons from Al Gore, and that he is on first name terms with "Gordon and Tony".

And this week, Fergie has turned his attentions to the political hot potato of class. Reacting to some particularly peachy comments from Jose Mourinho on Christiano Ronaldo's upbringing, Sir Alex got all philiosophical on his ass:

"If someone comes from a poor, working-class background, it doesn't mean to say you are not educated. What Ronaldo has is principles, which is why he has not responded to the comments, whereas some people who are educated have no principles and that's without question in this case." [Red Issue]

Ooh, get him! Keep tuning in for more Fergie political skulduggery. Vote Fergie!

Related Tags: sir, alex, ferguson, fergie, mourinho, ronaldo, political, class, poor, uneducated, manchester, united, chelsea

Joey Barton: A Fagin of our Times (part 2)

2007-05-02T11:54:00.000+00:00

Joey, Joey, Joey. Once again, I began the week thinking Barton was a bit of a hero, openly criticising a few of Man City's players who, lets face it, have been shit all season. Allthough he didn't actually mention names, it was clear that Bernardo Corradi and £6m signing Giorgios Samaras, with 70 appearences and 9 goals between them were the chaff he was referring to. Once again, a shining example of a footballer actually speaking his mind, rather than the conveyer belt of durge that flows from the mouths of other PR-hypnotised players such as Fat Frank 'game of two halves' Lampard. Classic Barton.

Ans then, golly, Barton decided to cave team-mate Ousemane Dabo's face in after a late tackle in training:

"The midfielder has been suspended by Citeh for the rest of the season after a training-ground fight with Ousmane Dabo resulted in the Frenchman being taken to hospital. Dabo is reported to have been punched repeatedly by Barton after a row erupted during a practice match.

'After the two midfield players cut each other down with alternate late tackles, Barton taunted Dabo by telling him: "You're s**t." Dabo retaliated by telling Barton: 'You are not as good as you think you are,' and the players began to trade blows,' reports The Daily Mail.

"It was incredible. Joey was over Dabo and still hitting him while he was on the floor," an eyewitness told The Daily Mirrror." [footy365]

Once again, classic Barton.
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Related Posts:
Joey Barton: A Fagin of our Times
What do Sven's squads and Michael Owen's spare time have in common?
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Related Tags: joey, barton, ousmane, dabo, manchester, city, brawl, fight, suspended, stuart, pearce, training, ground, punch, hospital

Funny Ha Ha

2007-04-27T10:08:00.000+00:00

Have to share this rather crude, but rather funny gag with you, courtesy of me old mucker Jonny:

David Beckham is returning to England to speak at Alan Ball's wake. Being a dead ball specialist he is seen as the perfect man for the job.

Red Nev, Tory Oggy and Zapa Xavi

2007-04-26T18:12:00.000+00:00

We've been getting all political here on Benji's Balls this week, what with Fergie dabbling in politics and everything (see below). And here's some more footbolotics (© BL 2007) gems, gleaned from an article in yesterday's G-Diddy by the ever-excellent Barney Ronay:

- Cristiano Lucarelli, the Livorno striker, is the celebrity guest of honour at a UCL seminar called Money, Politics, and Violence this week.

- At the last general election Alex Ferguson posted a message on the government's website praising "two barnstorming speeches from Tony and Gordon". First name terms eh? See post below.

-Steve Ogrizovic campaigned for his local Tory candidate in 1987

-Robbie Fowler owns almost 100 houses as part of a £28m buy-to-let portfolio, despite his well documented Docker sympathies, pictured.

- Wigan manager Paul Jewell has a pet tortoise called Trotsky.

- Gary Neville has been considered a socialist (Red Nev) ever since stewarded a revolt in the England dressing room over Rio Ferdinand's drug test ban. Tenuous, but catchy.

- Xavier Zanetti convinced Inter Milan to donate €5,000 to help Zapatista rebels in Mexico.

Well hows about that eh? Best bit of the article comes when Ronay tries to pin down Eric Cantona's political tendencies, quoting from his autobiography:

"Perhaps you may find it odd that I think happiness does not come from being able to buy a car that one wants," he challenged in his autobiography, before reminding us that "the woods are full of bows and arrows"

Vote Fergie

2007-04-25T15:23:00.000+00:00

Smashing performance by Manure last night, adding no doubt to those tickling thoughts that United might just be onto something this season. Which got me thinking again about Grandpa Fergie and my theory that if Man Utd win lots this year he might retire in a blaze of glory.

Further evidence has popped up over the last few weeks. Most interestingly, Fergie seems to be dabbling in politics. It's a semi-natural progression- managing a Premiership footy team would arm any man with sufficient experience to deal with our immigrant and ASBO-infused political climate, cos, after all they're all thick, and mostly foreign. Boom boom.

Anyway. First up Fergie has been trumpeting the Scottish Unionist cause, taking on Sean Connery in a battle of the Sirs. Second, now this is fascinating, Alex Ferguson has been taking lessons from Al Gore on how to save the planet. Vote Fergie!

Jose Mourinho: Omnipitent, Omniscient, Omnipresent.

2007-04-24T10:59:00.000+00:00

This is probably my favourite story of the year so far. An 'inside source' has revealed to the Times that in defiance of a UEFA touchline ban during a Chumps League match against Bayern a few years back, Jose Mourinho employed all sorts of black arts to get instructions to his players, including laundry baskets, bobble hats, and loudspeakers.

"For the first leg at Stamford Bridge, Mourinho arrived early enough to get in position. He watched the game on a television in the dressing-room and, during the first half, communicated to his staff in the dugout by radio or telephone. “You can get mobile reception in the dressing-room,” the source said. “It depends what network and in what room.”

At the time, television commentators spotted and commented on the fact that Rui Faria, the fitness coach, had a strange kink in his bobble hat and repeatedly scratched his ear. It was the sort of kink that could be caused by a wire and earpiece. “It was so obvious, to keep playing with your ear like that,” the source said.

Suspicious of skulduggery going on under their noses, Uefa officials went down to the tunnel, but by then the players were back in the dressing-room and listening to a team talk from their manager.

One source claims that knowing that the listening device had been rumbled, Chelsea simply used more rudimentary communication in the second half. It was noted at the time that Silvinho Louro, the goalkeeping coach, made several trips back to the dressing-room. “He’s a nervous spectator,” a source close to Mourinho joked at the time, but Louro kept coming back with bits of paper that were passed to the other coaches. Whatever the pieces of paper contained, they tended to coincide with substitutions.

Mourinho was not waiting for the players at the end of the match, which Chelsea won 4-2, because he had already allegedly clambered into one of the kit skips. He was wheeled out of the dressing-room by members of the backroom staff and, it is believed, back into the leisure club in the Chelsea Village hotel at the ground, where it had been reported that he spent the entire evening.

In a passable impression of Inspector Clouseau, Uefa’s hapless officials left none the wiser. Insiders claim Mourinho was so thrilled that he joked openly about his trip in the skip in front of his players at training the next morning.

In the second leg, at the Olympic Stadium in Munich, there was a greater risk of detection if he tried to enter the dressing-room. The sources allege that Mourinho went into the stands to watch but, apparently flustered by the close attention of a camera crew, he quickly departed for the team hotel.

The privacy might have been useful. The Timeshas been told that a speaker had been set up in the dressing-room so that he could talk to the players over the telephone at half-time. “There was a massive speaker,” a source said. “José was at the hotel.” Uefa’s representatives had surpassed themselves yet again by approaching Faria to check if there was anything under his hat. There wasn’t.

In a recent biography to which Mourinho contributed, he boasted about how he overcame a touchline ban during his days at FC Porto by sending messages to his assistants from his seat in the stands via “a small, sophisticated telecommunications device”. He even listed the precise instructions, which included: “Tell Deco [the Porto midfield player] I’m p****d off, I want more!” and, “Pressure on linesman, everybody.”" [The Times]

You've got to hand it to him. If you're wandering what a Jose teamtalk sounds like, listen to a recently recorded one here.

Italian Neutrality

2007-04-20T13:29:00.000+00:00

This is brilliant. Imagine Motty and Sir Trev doing this...

Fergie and Jose in Faustian Pact?

2007-04-11T13:40:00.000+00:00

Now here's a thought. If Manure and Chelski both get to the Champion's League final...what's the betting that in a Peter Kenyon-inspired bit of back-of-the-alley skulduggery they do a deal? Chelsea ease off and let United take the title, whilst Chelsea are given the Chumps League?

Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so. Just a thought though.

And here's another. If United win the double, or, nay, the treble, then surely Fergie will retire, no? He threatened to do so after the 99 treble but didn't. If I was Fergie I would retire in a blaze of glory. If he does I said it first, ok.

One more thought then i'm done. Chris Coleman was sacked last night, in somewhat of a surprise. Truth is, it shouldn't have been a surprise, it only was because he's a top fella. Then it hit me, all the 'top fellas' in football tend to be a bit rubbish, and consequently disposed of. See Pardew at West Ham, Ranieri at Chelscum, and Keegan at England. Ergo, if you want a successful manager, employ a knob. See Mourinho and Ferguson. And I'm spent.

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related posts
GO ON SON, GO ON!!!
The Twisted Tale of John Obi Mikel

2007-04-09T23:25:00.000+00:00

Just to let y'all know, I'm going to be guest posting for Jaunted's first Embedded Travel Guide series for the next few weeks, so do nip over and have a look.

I'm covering the small provincial town of London. The first post is on The Great Tube debate, unveiling the results of an emailed question I unleashed upon my address book last week. Best reply was from my good friend Karen Fransman:

"The Northern line still holds a special place in my heart. Very much like an old, flea ridden dog that should have been taken round the shed and shot in the head long, long ago."

Couldn't agree more.

Centurion!

2007-04-04T12:45:00.000+00:00

Well I never, tis my hundredth post, which in the blogosphere is quite the celebration. I'd like to thank a few people.

First of all, I'd like to thank South American football for being ridiculous, as we saw here, here, and here.

I'd also like to thank Joey Cole for being a hero, and for becoming a man in front of our very eyes.

I'd like to thank Tevez and Mascherano for getting me all excited.

I'd like to thank Graham Taylor for being such a buffoon by lamenting the ammount of foreigners in the Premiership, and generally just talking in public.

Finally, and most importantly, I'd like to thank Peter Crouch for being strangely sized, singing the hotstepper, and dressing up as a parrot.

Here's to another hundred!

Ronaldo Chased by Angry Thugs

2007-04-02T16:33:00.000+00:00

Cracking picture of Ronaldo being pursued by Brett Emerton and Christopher Samba in today's Grauniad. Went to the trouble of scanning the bugger for you lot. Enjoy. Hats of to Matthew Peters at Getty. Click to englarge (i think).

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related posts
Ronaldo: An Apology
Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait

Huge in Huelva

2007-03-28T17:47:00.000+00:00

It turns out that any old chaff can bang them in in La Primera 'Miguel Mouse' Liga. Not only is Freddie Kanoute currently top scorer, but improbably-named ex-scouser Florent Sinama-Pongolle has bagged 9 goals in 14 starts for Recreativo de Huelva.

Further evidence that La Liga really isn't that good. In other news, turns out Bolton really will buy any old shit.

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related posts
Who?!
Take That Primera Liga

Keepy Uppies, Junta Style

2007-03-27T13:31:00.000+00:00

Once again proving the age-old-addage that 'anything Ronaldinho can do the Burmese can do better'

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related posts
The Seal
To Me, To You

Footy, travel,etc.

2007-03-26T12:12:00.000+00:00

A quick tip of the hat to the Different Directions, another blog i regularly contribute to; the loudmouth brother of Youngin Europe. Which is a young person's guide to Europe (the clue's in the name you see)

The latest post is on 'The International Language of Football'. Have a butchers, i implore thee.

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related posts
Don't Patronise me - I'm Russian or Brazillian (or possibly Dutch or Scottish)
In Defence of Catania

Ronaldo: An Apology

2007-03-26T10:21:00.000+00:00

In a post-World Cup blog last summer, trying to find some positives in amongst the cacophony of English woe, I made the following comment:

"Hopefully we have seen the last of Chriatiano Ronaldo in the premiership. He is an absolutely brilliant player, but you'd have to be better than Ronaldinho to make up for the sheer amnmount of twattishness he has demonstrated."

Well, it turns out he is better than Ronaldinho. At the moment at least. At the time it seemed as if Ronaldo was packing his bags and nipping off to the Primera Liga, side-stepping an imminent lynching in England. I remeber thinking; if Ronaldo was a real man he would come bag to England, have the season of his life, and win United the league. Which is exactly what he has done. ***Benji tips his hat***

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related posts
Nippy Footwork
Always look on the bright side...