Best Kenyan Articles

Sabina's Joy: Experiencing a Hooker's mind...and Bed

2012-05-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

In the marriage that wed me to my humanity, my brain usually accepts the typical Kenyan stay at home single mum type of role. Broke, bitter, easy to agitate and open to anything my humanity has to offer. I have to say it's a role it has learned to play with such natural ease, so as you might imagine, impulsiveness comes very naturally to me. I don't think about it. In the words of Prince Nike II, son of His Majesty King Adidas the first, I 'just do it'.

However, as I walk behind Mystique, watching her sultry curves wave to her every step, I suddenly can't help that deer-in-the-headlights gut reaction you get the second before a mugging; when you realize that someone's walking right behind you (an analogy I draw from bitter experience). I muse at the complex simplicity of emotions the past 15 minutes had taken me through. Fear of mistaken identity (and the mob justice that would follow in the way of taunts from my pals on my SJ going ways); relief once I was in; anticipation of what lay ahead; repulsion for the girl who lay legs parted ahead; bemusement at the price of beer; lust, surprisingly, for Mystique...well actually now that I consider it, it shouldn't have been that surprising to discover a well-marketed sales pitch in a brothel. Fast forward through the thrill of actually paying for a room with a --~~whore,~~ ~~poko,~~ ~~langa,~~ ~~harlot,~~ ~~kuro,~~ ~~malaya~~, ~~streetwalker~~ - check whichever name tickles your arrogance-- and we get to the door.

Truth be told, before I got to Sabina Joy, my mind had edited an entire script on Kenyan brothels, set in a dingy neighbourhood with crammy little rooms. I saw layers of used CDs piled at one corner, strongly pervaded with the kinda putrefaction it takes a compost heap to order Kenyan highlands into fertile submission. I saw women trampse around dressed in next to nothing, cornering every potential client like street hawkers; "Bei ni saw moja customer..."

Nothing had, or perhaps ever could have, prepared me for the impact of the next one hour of experience on a bed with a prostitute. It was a bit like stepping off a state-of-the-art spaceship, and onto the blackened piece of pandora swimming dead in the middle of her eyes.

I have agonized on a way to describe what happened next that would depict the very essence of what it felt like, yet it still feels like I am somehow trapped by that look. The look she gave me as she stood in the middle of the room the very moment I walked in and spoke to her. It was really out of surprise that I uttered those words. Surprise at how quickly she had stripped down to her underfashions, styled in the frugal ways of our very own Ngara's Secrets.

As I studied her solitary figure, crouched in the middle of the room taking her shoes off while her jeans sat on the bed neglected, it occurred to me that I had not even paid her, yet here she was already kicking into gear, her servant body and nonchalant appearance set to their workplace default. What would stop me from paying her once I'd had the conventional shot? That was the precise question I asked. Ok. Maybe not in that wording.

It seemed, for a moment, like the lights went off in her eyes, short-circuited - as she would later reveal - by memories of deals gone sour. She reached for her trousers, and only then did I realize what that thoughtless statement might have sounded like to her. I quickly pulled out a two hundred shillings note and watched the sun come out from behind the clouds that had momentarily clouded her eyes, a curious sparkle replacing the glaze in their brown.

She was now seated on the bed, unwrapping the condom in what I can only imagine was her norm, waiting for me to relieve myself of the abundance of my clothes. So I seat right next to her and ask, "Na hiyo saw mbili ni ya nini?" Mystique explains the rules of the shot to me. It's plain and very simple. Two hundred shillings buys you one position - missionary, I gather - and should you choose any more extravagant positions (say doggy, for instance) you pay an extra two hundred bob. Think of it as a car hire service...the 200 bob would be to rent the car, the extra 200 bob would be kinda like fueling the car. The farther you wanna go, the more rwabays you'd have to spend.

Yet that was not the whole story. If you chose to drive the rental, there was a time limit to it, kinda like a charge per day. Ideally, that two sock buys you around ten minutes, or whatever time it would take you to...well...you get the point.

By this time I had pulled out a cigarette, a bit taken aback at how clean the room actually was. Save for a few daddy long legs and roaches popping in and out of the darker crevices in the room's floor, it was actually rather decent, and far from anything I had pictured on my way in. Pulling a hefty draught from the stick, I mused at the irony of it all, triggered by a conversation I'd recently had with a friend who refers to the brand of cigarettes I smoke as Sigara ya Malaya (SM).

Having agreed that I would pay her the equivalent of two shots for a drive through her mind, she sits back, still in her drawers, and tells me how she often gets in to trouble with drunks who take their sweet time with the shot, then an hour later decide not to foot the bill. Guys who complain that they came too quickly, so they should be allowed a free encore. Funny thing that. Guys have a thing with directions. We take great care not to ask for them, and Mystique claims that if any of her clients actually did, she could easily guide them through the ten minutes to their fruition.

Campus guys, apparently, had given her a fair deal of trouble. This one time she was desperate to make some cash. It was kinda like a 'last call', the hour when many Kenyan hookers will sleep with any man anywhere and cut their losses after a bad run of business. She'd been drinking with a couple of UoN guys at the SJ pub, and they wanted to leave without taking the shot. So she asks where they're staying, having figured out that they did not want to pay for a room there, and offers to go with them if they pay her 500 bob each.

When they get to Hall 6 (fiction alert), however, and the services are rendered as promised, the guys - now playing on Home ground - decide not to pay her. Cue the conversion of the guy's room into a minibrothel, with Mystique having come up with a plan to make up for lost cash. It was just before Campus exams at UoN began, and it would seem that many of the guys there were on some sort of msusio wa ngono, for as soon as they heard that there was a gal in Hall 6 offering free shots at a hundred bob each, the entire queue for lunch shifted to Kenny's room.

Curious as I was to hear more, however, I tried to remain on course and asked her about @Suenairobi. As I'd pretty much expected, she knew nothing about Nairobi Nights, save for her very own rather interesting version of it. She did however open up about her friends who stole from clients, justifying the fact that they drug customers and rob them clean to make up for days when they themselves got the wrong end of the stick, costing them the serious side of a thousand bob or two for services rendered. It's all simple logic, really; kinda like Kobil hiking petrol prices when the government raises the fuel levy, and holding them when the levy goes down. Or matatu drivers charging 500% the usual fare when it rains...

As we walked out of the room an hour later, I caught a few glimpses from some of her workmates; they had this "he's a 60-minute man" thing going on in their eyes. I smiled, beat a hasty exit and disappeared into the Nairobi crowds. And loath as I am to admit it lest you think this mug smug, I had chosen to go out of my way to make a prostitute's day. I did. And I will do it again soon...

Cooked up by Fred Wambugu

random-thoughts-on-our industry

2012-05-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

I told another group that the sex trade is up there with production houses, publishers and Hollywood, because we are all in the entertainment industry. The girl on the Street is now shoulder to shoulder with Avril, Muthoni the author and Tanya. We are all entertainers. Or is it?

Gone are the days when a man would come to the Street just for a quick sex fix because he couldn’t get some elsewhere. Now the man comes as if he is going to a concert, you know you can listen to music in a radio but crave the party and entertaining mood of a show. Gone too are the days when a blow job was an extra, to be given only to those who paid more. Nowadays its default. Even downtown where sex was so business like I hear a bj is increasingly becoming the norm. My days at the SJ I dared not allow a man to touch my boobs during a short time. But I hear things have changed there too.

In music and publishing they talk of voices, beat, content and style when listing things that differentiate artists. Successful artists are those who choose the right mix of those. What about us? Here on the Street we have started to define ourselves in genres. Though in the Street there is not much room to market yourself according to your specialty, in the City’s brothels it’s the norm. Like I said we know girls who specialize in anal, threesomes and the increasingly in vogue BDSM. Yet men coming here wont state openly what they want. And the girls won’t say what they specialize in. So when the girl gets in the car the man will say “Do you do anal? I want anal”

“No, I don’t” a girl may answer. “But I know someone who does. I can get her to you at a small fee” And so it happens.

In publishing a book may become timeless. See Shakespeare and Albert Camus. In music it’s a bit tough; a musician has to keep reinventing himself or herself lest they fade away. It’s the same with us. When one joins the Street one packages herself as young and fresh. But after a year the young and fresh can’t sell anymore so one talks of being mature and fresh. Never mind the freshness may no longer be there. By the third year when the strain of the Street is visible on the face and thighs freshness and maturity don't sell. Experience does.

Our sexuality is evolving. I guess triggered by the push by human beings towards comfort and happiness in every sphere of their lives. Of course the evolution is also triggered by our response to the many and easily available sexual information, stories, videos, photos, toys and whatever else. Certainly the body and the brain respond to these. And the barriers to entry being less in the sex industry than in music or publishing, there will be many who join to satisfy the demands of the evolving sexuality.

So the sex industry is becoming bigger and competition stiffer. The mayor estimates there are 21000 sexual acts in this city every night. If each is worth Ksh. 1000 then we are talking of Ksh.21000000 a night or 0.6 billion in a month. Quite some dough. Yet many in the country want us to remain underground, just like the drug industry. I don't want to digress to that argument now but in a recent comment someone said the undoing of the sex industry is that it’s associated with bad elements; the drug barons, robbers and others who get a kick from having girls as part of their networks or hovering around them a la Hugh Heffner or Al Capone. So he argues legalizing prostitution will not make it easy for the government to fight these evil citizens. You know a prostitute with her rights protected will not just be searched by a male policeman and drugs found in her handbag or better still in her panties or between her buttocks. She will demand a search warrant, and meanwhile hide the drugs, gun or whatever. I have problem with this line of reasoning but won’t go into it at the moment.

Back to the sex entertainment business. There are girls and men who are now choosing sex work as a career. The old argument that one gets into the work because of poverty is becoming increasingly outdated. Of course there are many who are in the work because of their poor circumstances but there are others who are educated with other options and opt to make a career out of sex, literally. Didn’t you hear Daughtie talk of our bodies, our choice?

As a country we are starting to acknowledge the entertainment value of sex more. Nevertheless we are still behind as compared to the western countries. Just look at our online porn offerings which are just obvious depictions of what we do in private. Nothing really creative or imaginative. But we keep watching them hoping for something to excite us in a different way. Where are the local erotic books? I have heard of none since David Maillu and Love For Sale. Where are live cam girls and men who you can give orders? Where are the dancing shows? Where are the sex games? I have heard of a few of these, and hopefully we will get there. The fact is that the demand is amazing and someone will come in to fill it.

The publishing, movies and music industry are facing the problem of piracy. At least you can’t pirate sex per se. But the competition and pressure to remain on top is enormous. Only the very creative and innovative will survive. And only those who make themselves known, or brand themselves in a way or another will go beyond the average one hour gig.

I don't feel too good quitting when things are starting to get interesting. Maybe I should just reinvent myself and remain in this segment of the entertainment industry which is said to tear the moral fabric of the society.

Now I decided I have no business match making. So for all with such requests I have opened a hook up section where you can list who and what you want or looking for, and you are bound to get responses. CLICK HERE to list yourself. As for those who we talked on email I will be posting your profiles later in the day. And those asking for specialty Street girls, I will be in touch.

Somehow today things are slow, and I am taking it easy. I will catch up with quite a number of my emails . Do have a lovely weekend.

All Disciples, apart from Judas are gay.

2012-05-16T23:36:00.001-07:00

Just when you thought it can't get any worse, they have decided to make a gay friendly bible. In what seems as a follow up to president Obama's support for same sex unions, Pink Cross Publishing, the company that published a gay friendly koran, will release a gay friendly version of the bible.

Maury Berkowitz, the owner of the Pink publishers believes that his gay bible will be sitting next to the Gideons Bible in hotel rooms by the end of the year. He said, “We’ve been picketed by Christian groups and that has only emboldened our efforts.” He said that he will sue any hotel chain that fails to provide a gay bible to its occupants. He also added that a children's version, which will be donated to schools and public libraries, is in the works.

So what will you expect in the gay bible. Well, for a start, say Hi to Adam and Steve. Then Mary and Joseph will be replaced by Mary and Josephine, a lesbian couple. All of Jesus disciples will be gay, apart from Judas. Satan will be straight. The strong Samson will be replaced by Samantha. That's Samantha and Delilah.

Now, if you've been thinking we're not in the last days, think again.

Musalia's Kibisu Kabatesi VS Raila's Barrack Muluka

2012-05-16T23:17:00.002-07:00

Forget the bitter fight for the ODM presidential nomination between party leader Raila Odinga and his deputy, Musalia Mudavadi. There is another intense battle going on in the background, and the combatants prefer bare-knuckles. As things stand now, Raila nearly has the prize, the ODM ticket to vie for the presidency in the coming General Election in the bag, with Musalia having made it clear to all and sundry that he will be leaving the Orange party. But the other war is far from over.

The war in the background is being fought between the men who look after the images of the two leading politicians. The combatants are the communication experts of the two close allies-turned-enemies. In the red corner is Dr Kibisu Kabatesi, the fire-spitting aide of Musalia Mudavadi, and in the blue corner, Barrack Muluka, who only recently joined Raila’s campaign secretariat as the communications chief.

Both communication experts know each other quite well. They were both in the Bachelor of Arts class of 1979- 1983 at the University of Nairobi. Kibisu believes Muluka was his classmate, but the latter is quick to point out that he never shared any class on campus with the former. While Muluka has always had political ambitions, Kabatesi is in politics by virtue of his connection with Musalia, who has been a close associate since college. In 2007, Muluka sought the ODM nomination to vie for the Khwisero parliamentary seat, and he still believes to this day that Mudavadi locked him out, paving the way for the not-so-colourful Evans Akula.

And this is the genesis of the fight between Muluka and Kabatesi. Some time last year, Muluka wrote a newspaper article that was critical of Mudavadi, and Kabatesi fired a response, accusing his nemesis of sour grapes. He claimed that during the ODM nominations, he found Muluka huddled in a corner in Mudavadi’s Mululu home in Sabatia, Vihiga County, hoping to reach the deputy ODM leader. And that he, Kabatesi, felt really sorry for the man as he never got to see Mudavadi, and hence his bitterness. He said his former classmate was bitter with Mudavadi for no helping him to win the nomination.

In response, Muluka said Kabatesi was never a classmate of his and that the only time he knew the latter was when both worked at the KBC in the 1980s, during which a TV camera that was in Kabatesi’s custody, got lost, but in Muluka’s words, “was liberated”.

Top 20 richest in Kenya

2012-05-16T23:13:00.001-07:00

I’ve always said that it’s very hard to ascertain the source of wealth of many people in Kenya. For some, I can understand why they’d not want to talk about it, but for those who claim to have made their money honestly, why not talk about it? It’s the one thing I admire about entrepreneurs in the west: they’ll tell you how they did it and what it took; they’ll give speeches, they’ll write books, they’ll teach classes, etc, etc. Even the newly minted Indian entrepreneurs are beginning to do this. Why not Africans? we hide the money under our beds and guard it with pangas. Why?

The Politicians:
Moi & family ($1.2 billion)
Kenyatta’s ($400 million)
Nyachae ($900 million)
Biwott ($700 million)
Saitoti ($100 million)
Kibaki ($ 100 million)
Michuki ($100 million)
*Awori ($5 million; how much can you really make selling bricks? & I also don’t think Awori stole. or did he?)
Manufacturing:
Chris Kirubi ($10 million)
Manu Chandaria ($10 million)
Naushad Merali ($10 million)
Kuguru Foods ($2 million)

Finance:
Jimnah Mbaru ($5 million)
James Mwangi ($2 million)
Who else?

How To Climb Even With Less Cash...

2012-05-16T22:59:00.001-07:00

As i told you before, a person of out will never remove thuruari for you just because you look good. Persons of out never look for looks. Unless you are extremely extremely handsome and talk good English like some guys i see on Afro cinema. Even if you you look like an olangutan and you have cash, fame or have the fine things in life, thuruari will always be left at home. Persons that look good and have money and fame, like Jaguar have added advantage. Persons of out will refuse to know if they have good head if they ever come near him with thuruari, even the small ones some people call thong.

But for the scratchers of skin, there is a sure way to enter a person of out. And the sure way is to tell endless lies to them. Lie and lie until they believe it. I got all this from my good friends Theuri and Akuku. Within one hour with a person of out, Theuri will have laid so many lies until the person refuse to know why she came with thuruari. They are flattened so much until they put it on head.

I am not a good lair myself but once once, i have gotten thuruaris on head after spreading lies.

One day, on a Sunday, i was at home and my PM had fooled so much because i had gone home almost in the morning and falling falling down due to drunkenness.

At around mid day, one devil called me and said i had losted to much. This person looked like models, and used to walk like them, even on Tom mboya street. She looked so flexible, and malnourished in a way she can put legs at 180 degrees. When standing straight, a small gap is left where tiita sits. Such persons are full of sweetness. You can also climb them standing (karugamo).

She had, on several occasions refused to put it on head. She used to tell us that she had a boyfriend and cannot mix for him. Despite telling her that it is not soap to finish, or it will not write on tiita that it had been climbed, she refused to feel me.

After talking small, I told her that I had ukiad like Satan. She said that she had also ukiad too much but had one stress that was disturbing her. She told me that she had a chama meeting in the evening and they were required to remove two k and she had zero. She told me that if i lent her the money, tiita will be all mine.

In my pocket, i had three thousand, front and back. I told the person to meet me in Magomano at one because i was willing to assist her. I told her that i have even called Maina of butchery to put meat of burnt for the two of us.

This person had earlier, on many occasions refused to remove for me. We had gone out many times but when i tried to give her beer to make her refuse to know herself, she used to get clever and hepa us.

When she came, she ordered those beers of cans that come two two. As if i had twenty thousand bob with me, we beat water until Ksh. 1,900 had dranked water. Now, between me and poverty, i was remaining Kshs. 1,100 bob. My tree was standing because once once, she was touching touching it and i was, in turn touching touching her thighs small small. I was, however, refusing to know what to do because the good rooms in town goes for a K plus. I was thinking of talking to Maina of butchery to talk to people of room of Magomano and tell them that i will bring money tomorrow but then, remembered that their rooms arent the best. If you take a person there, she can even refuse to apart her legs, even if she had come with no thuruari.

It is then that i remembered Bilmas. Bilmas have two types of rooms. One, no latrine and bathroom inside, only bed and those are cheaper, goes for 600 bob. Those with latrine and bathroom inside goes for a K. I dragged her to Bilmas and like a good climber, I removed all her clothes one by one until only thuruari remained. I took thuruari on side and started to suck tiita. I sucked tiita until she poured. (Theuri says sucking tiita or fingering someone is same as eating bila makobosto. Maybe you should educate me on that because it scared the hell out of me)

I ramnyad things until 6ish. The person gave me so good, throwing legs in the air because she was happy with my eating habits and techniques and again, her stress of money had vanished. Based on her msaying of mbus, it looked like she had never had someone suck tiita for so long until she poured like that. On that day, she poured like three times.

After i finished climbing, I pushed her to her stage, No. 23 for Buru. Now, her stress had been transferred to me. My heart was beating even in ear because i was refusing to know what to do. All body parts, including my toes and nyees were shaking because i did not know what to tell the person.

The person's extreme excitement was making me feel sad, bad and angry with myself. She appeared was so happy and joked all the way. I tried to force myself to laugh but where.

I was trying to do mathematics of how much to give her from the 5 socks that had remained. There was not way i could give her all the 5 sock because i had to climb a mat back to Kinoo. After much consultation, I decided to give her 200 bob. Before removing the money from my pocket, i was counting 123 to prepare myself how to start and what to say to her.

When we reached KTDA where people climb mats for Buru, I finally filled myself 1234...started: " Ehh.. Shiru, unajua aje? Nika kitaumana small. Shika hii mia biri, kesho niko na pesa kama ya kuibiwo. Hata sio elfu biri nitakupea. Nitakupea elfu tano. Ni vile...."

I did not even finish giving the explanation due to the look I was getting from the person. She did not even take the two so. In loud voice, she said me "Whaaaat? You are a dog", then climbed a mat. All people around there looked at me and refused to know. Some started laughing at me, maybe thinking i was borrowing things on stage. To avoid more embarrassment, i removed from that place as fast as i could and climbed a mat to Kinoo.

From that day, the person never spoke to me again for sometime. But another climber never dislike each other. 6 months later, she started looking for me. Although i had heard with rumour how she had she had destroyed my name to her pals, saying I am of childish because I dont remove, i decided to forgive.

Akuku, in the meantime was trying to wrestle the person from me. He managed to climb her, he confessed to me later. Akuku is of devil.He has some peculiar habit with people's persons. If he sees a person looks like sun and is new, yellow yellow, malnourished and loves money in some extra ordinary manner, he tells the person he will be removing anything she wants, including paying her house and doing shopping. But woe unto them. Yes, first day, he will remove, but once thuruari is out, he blacklists the person and never talks to them again.

Have a nice weekend and dont forget to eat with makobosto. And if you want to be part of the stag, you can hit me on my email....

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Unwritten Rulesmentations

2012-05-16T22:54:00.002-07:00

This is an idea borrowed from Mizz Bree's Unwritten Rules (Work In Progress)

I feel the urge to sometimes kick some people about like Barcelona do soccer balls. You know, not just kick them once, and neither by chance. People get you so irritated sometimes that you could actually plan to retain possession of their heads for shooting practice, or actually call your mates over and have a session of chenga funga with their blue ballsmentations.

Here's a quick few of those that utterly piss me the [blank] off!

1. I agree with every woman’s right to be as fly as can be, look as sexy as she will. But let’s agree on one thing. There’s a time and a place for everything, and seriously, any time Monday in Nairobi is not it for them minis, stockings and heels. Si Nairobi yote Koinange…that’s the only street you should be caught dead dressed like that before Wednesday night.

2. On no day whatsoever shall said stockings in 1 above be worn if they are worn…that is to say no drooping fibre, no hole however small, and certainly no tear. And trust me I am attentive to detail. I WILL notice it!

3. Every Kenyan has the right to their sexual orientation, and whatever pride that comes with it. DO NOT, however…I repeat this is no go zone if within 500 miles of me…parade your pride in the streets lest my innards feel repulsed enough to parade themselves on your chest. Just to reiterate…2 guys kissing outside Bettyz? Complete no-no!

4. They call it public transport. However, that's about as far as public goes once I lipa fares. I OWN that mat, for the seconds to minutes to eons I will be entrapped within it! Try not to get me excited, lest I [blank]slap you to hell and back. By excite I mean:

Do not speed recklessly. I do not like to see death coming my way, so if you're going to speed make sure it does not excite me in any way. This is to say that random braking and uncomfortable steering are entirely prohibited.

Do not act like a private car. Act like a jav. I know that sounds contradictory to bullet one above, but if I got into a jav whose driver cannot maneuver traffic jam like a dog picks the meat off its bones, then I can and WILL dondoka! Feetsubishi pia ni gari.

If you the conda do not ask for fares then I will NOT give it to you. Period. I have left you and your brothers enough of my spare change to afford me free rides around Nairobi for a month at least. I did not ask for my change. Your kind did not give it back. Consider the ignorance reciprocated, and don't worry...I can deal with [blanking] karma when I need to. Just not now.

Do not act like you own the jav coz you paid the fares. I know that sounds like it contradicts the initial premise of my argument. It does not. I OWN the jav coz I think in terms of the Needs of the Many and not the Good of the Few. Translation, if I am in a jav and feel you're driving too fast and need to slow down, you CERTAINLY are. If however you get into a jav and feel that the music is too loud, it was too loud when you got in. Deal with it!

5. It is no one man's prerogative to hit a woman. There is no justification to it, and you should not bother to read this blog ever again if you think otherwise. I will also urge that you keep your girlfriend away from my blog if you do that kinda [blank] to her, because sooner or later she will leave you if she continues to read my stuff. Be forewarned...I know how to treat a woman right. And I will never apologize for it. Mere statement of fact.

6. And finally - until something new comes up - all this crap about Kenya Vision 2030 and how you think it will not work…keep that to yourself. The opening statement of the vision states that the idea is to provide Kenyans a high quality life by 2030. The key word is ‘provide’. Safaricom/Airtel provides quality Internet services…you do not have to subscribe to it. Similarly, it is My Vision 2030. What you do with yours is exactly that. Yours. So quit going on and on about how it will or will not work.

Divorce Case No. 19/1/2012, Jakenya Vs Supu,attn, Leon

2012-05-16T04:52:00.000-07:00

TO LEON AND LEON ADVOCATES,
P.O.BOX 232402346758,
KOROKOCHO SLUMS

RE: DIVORCE CASE NO.19.1.2012, SUPU VS JAKENYA.

I am in receipt of your submissions ,Ref: http://www.kenyanlist.com/kls-listing-show.php?id=77623 ,on the above divorce case. Let me remind you that I do not deal with lawyers based in slums. The GPS in my Subaru Imprezza GL 2012 will not be able to trace your offices when need arises. But for the record and benefit of the court let me respond thus:

1. I put it to your that your client, my former wife, has no property for which I intend to pledge claim. The only property I know she has is a pair of worn out underwear and a dildo she bought with money stolen from me. Before I married the mongoose, she and her two emaciated kids were staying in Korokocho.I also put it to you that the property she claims is the house I bought for her in Kileleshwa of which I have already legally repossessed. I already have court orders barring her from interfering with that property. Any claim thereof shall be considered illegal and I will institute legal proceeding against her in the event that she goes within a squirting distance of that property!

2. Also take note that the divorce case is already in court and any other divorce cases instituted by your client shall be considered null and void ,prejudicial and in contempt of the court.

3. Also note that the two children she claims to be mine were sired by Juguma Diani when I was in China. I have already ordered a DNA test to confirm the same. Even without a DNA test, from their ugly noses and the big heads they have, it can be deduced that they belong to JD.I have CCTV clip of my former wife (your client) giving head to JD in my matrimonial bed. This she did not do for me for the time we were married claiming that I was a kihii and that I had a smelly foreskin.

4. In case issue of carrying sardines in my pocket, be informed that your client cooks food that tastes like cow dung. This has caused me a lot of mental stress and starvation forcing me to carry the said aquatic animals in my pocket for physical nourishment and wellbeing. Also note that I bought the omena from my Barclays bank account. I did not use money from her Citibank account which I actually opened for her. Such insinuations about my feeding habit is meant to bring my name into disrepute among klisters.Warn your client that if this continues, I will sue for damages and defamation.

5. Lastly, warn your client that I don’t want to see her and those two retarded genetic disasters from of JD near any of my property. Such action shall be considered as trespass into my property and result in immediate arrest and confinement.

6. Also inform your client that our differences are beyond repair. Let her not try to call me through my Nokia smart phone like she did yesterday, I will not respond. We are now back with lovemat who has always been the love of my life.

I do not expect to get any further communication from you or your client till the divorce case I have filed is determined.Any communication from your smelly office will be thrown into the garbage bin without being looked at!!

DR. JAKENYA (PHD, OGW)
FOREST DRIVE
KILELESHWA AND LAVINGTON.

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

2012-05-16T04:48:00.001-07:00

There are advantages and disadvantages of having friends like Theuri, Akuku and one, Professor. But disadvantages outweighs all the time, like it can be attested by an incident that happened a few weeks ago. We were at a place called Twisters, in Saika estate after Kayole, Eastern province. As we were drinking, I told them that I had one person I wanted to climb, but she looks elusive because she told me she does not drink beer. As you all know, it is almost impossible to convince a person to remove thuruari when you are drunk and she is sober, and you are Wanjohi. Get the drift?. Theuri, as usual told me that that is nothing to him. He told me that he will make the person drink and removes. When the person came, no one could believe. She looked like two suns in one, and had make ups of models, and mouth was small, indicating she had small tiita. When she sat down, even before ordering for a soda or juice, Theuri started, as if it was a continuation of a story "Rekei ndimuire, kairetu kau gokaga, gakanyua o soda, na tumai. Twakera kanyue njohi gakarega. Baadae tukimenya ati ni ma ARFs kanyuaga. Hindio karundite arume kuruda. Twamakire atia, kau ona ndunguaugire ni karuaru. Kuma hindi iyo, ungikaigua muhiki, kana mundu atanyuaga njohi, ukehuga muno. Muno muno mundu ucio akoragwo akinyua ma ARF. Na niui matinyuanagirio na njohi" (Let me tell you, if you see a person used to come, order for soda or water only. If we tell her to drink beer, she says no. Later, we came to know she was taking ARVs, after falling few men. We makad yani, you could not tell. From that day, if i get a person drinking soda, i wary. And you know they dont mix with beer.) As Theuri was narating his giants, I saw the person look at Theuri with vagina of her eyes and refused to know how God could have created such a person like Theuri. In ear, I told her that Theuri was a mental case, she should never worry how he talks. I called waiter and asked the waiter to sell her what she was talking. In loud voice, so that Theuri could hear, she said 'Black ice, moja warm, moja baridi". In heart, i lifted hands and said "Long live Theuri, long live Theuri!!" When I was entering Twisters, I had 2k with me. Beer and devil had already swallowed over 800 bob by the time she came. But i had forgotten that I didn't have enough money with because the person was not in the mathematics of beer. I gave out a K and said as we were. The waiter first refused to leave because the K was not enough for the round. He only went after Akuku shouted at him to go bring and ask for balance later. There there, I started experiencing headache. I refused to know what to do. But I knew, Professor had 80k cash in his pocket after he had brokered something and we all knew that. I called him outside and told him "Riu niwona maraya yakwa ni yoka, na nie ndiri mbia. Ngombera kanyamu tuarie rucio wiraine" (You have seen my trapper has come, and i dont have money. Lend me something, we talk kesho at job) He asked how much i wanted. I did quick mathematics... beer with person, 3k. Room, 1k. To give person in the morning. 1k. Misc. 1k. Quickly, i said "reheeee mitiiiii.. itandatu! Itandatu ni miega" (Bring 6k. 6k is ok). He did not even return. He said it was ok. Instead of giving me the cash there there outside, he held my hand and led me inside again. He went and sat on his seat as i went back to mine. Then, infront of my person, and everyone else, he removed big bundle of notes and counted 6k and gave me. I wanted to shout in despair but said bad is bad, and after all, I had the money i wanted. Though the person did not know if I had been rented the money or it was a debt being paid, she started to look at professor more keenly. Anyway, that is very normal when persons sees money. Again, every time, professor was saying 'ngari yakwa rucio ngamihee ngiri 50. shoko njeru, mbuci, etc" (My car, tomorow, i give it everyting new. Bush, shock new, etc). Small time, Akuku suggested we go near Nairobi. Akuku suggested, 'Ndirenda tuthie Bee centre, tuiretu tuu tuhinguraha pool tungenagia muno. Reke thie ngaturie na maitho" (Lets go to Bee centre, those persons that open pool look like sun and they make me happy). Akuku wanted to eat persons that are written there to open pool, with eyes. Akuku had said that he eats his pm with vigor when he put images of those persons, especially the new ones just written, ripe from the village, not spoilt as yet. When we reached Bee centre, Professor was the first to shout at me to buy beer, but I did myself like i did not hear. From the look of things, he wanted me to finish all the money he had given me so that i eat home. When he saw me not bulging, he said in loud voice "Wee wanjohi gura njohi meni, na indiagukobera miti itandatu o riu. Kai ithirire nguongerere" (Wanjohi, buy beer. I have just rented you 6k. Or is it finished, I add more? I called waiter and said one beer each, let problem live. This time, my person changed from Black Ice to Tusker. She said black ice was making her too drunk. When I was playing pool, I saw the Prof. engrossed on my person too much. With vagina of my eye, I saw him remove a note of a k and handed it to her. Then, I inserted ear more and heard him say "Niui mutongoria thiku ici atigaga ahiki kirafu ario. wiigire kau ga taxi angigutiga" (You know leader leaves persons in clubs these days when he gets drunk. Keep that k, just incase) I wanted to say mbu for having my friend destroy my name, but said , God is watching him. All this time, Theuri and Akuku were watching him. They told me in ear "mundu waku erirwo arenge ihindi arie nyama, arengete kurenga. No to wi murata witu ri, reke akengete, mundu niwe ukuria' (Your person was told to cut bone to eat meat. She has cut bone yani. But, since you are our friend, let prof. crow, you will eat person). But I refused to know how prof. had opened so much that he was the only one now buying. To avert from the imminent threat, I told my person we go to Visa place for Mugithi. Prof. said he will follow us too. At visa, Prof and my person said they were going to the dance floor as i remained playing pool. One hour later, I saw her emerge from out with Prof in tow. I asked her where she was and said she had gone to breath fresh air, because dance floor was too filthy. I chose to believe her, but still refuse to know. Small time, she said she wanted to sleep. I went to Visa Guest house and asked how much. I was told they charge 1500. Like a bargainer I am, i told them that I will pay a K because it was almost morning. Finally, we settled for 1200 + 100 for makobosto that normally goes for 20 bob under normal circumstances. As we were entering room, all my mind was which stylo I was going to climb the person. I looked at her and said she will not escape kwa nyeni if tiita has no sand paper. After she removed clothes, I felt some small smell of muclimbano. I refuse to know. She then rushed fast to the bathroom and showered. When she came from the bathroom, I looked a her tiita. Clean shaven and looked so small, as if there was no hole at all. In my head, I said with such a small hole, kwa nyeni had zero option. To fast forward, I did not lick, only stimulated tiita small with fingers. When I heard wet wet, I inserted makobosto and pointed my josto on her hole. I inserted slowly slowly until it was all in. But it was not like it was in or out. It was like it was in some cold water bottle from fridge. To be fair to the person, the tiita had walls and was tight small, but she tasted like she had been injected with cold blood. I really struggled to pour and wished that time to reach faster than ever. After I poured, I looked for a million and one excuses to leave and left. Tomorrow of that day, my phone could not stop ringing. Akuku and Theuri were all over me. When we met, they first laughed at me because, they told me that my person was climbed twice by the Prof. First time, at Bee centre parking and second, Visa place parking lot as I was playing pool. They told me that they are the ones who assisted at Bee C. Prof. said that if they subaithias me small, and he manages to go climb my person, all beer will be on him, today, tomorrow and Sunday. Akuku or Theuri is next. Next time they come with persons, they will be done kihibirania by one of us, who will be willing to buy beer until morning. From that day, the person never called me until the other day. She asked me why I have losted her like that. I told her that I will call her kesho. If you want to eat my person at Parking kesho, just be where I will be. All you will need to do is flash several thousands notes in open and lend me 6k and most importantly, make sure the persons knows. I remain, Wanjohi wa Kigogoine Mwalimu of Muclimbano

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine