Best Marriage Tips

The Importance of Loving Yourself

2013-07-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

Original Posting:
http://best-marriage-tips-finances.blogspot.com/2013/06/the-importance-of-loving-yourself.html

This sounds like a silly subject to talk about in a marriage blog. But trust me, you will see why it is so important. So here is a little treat to warm your heart, just like soup does when you have a cold! Even Jesus-Christ taught that we must love one another as much as we love ourselves. I am not trying to impose Christianity onto anyone, but I want to analyze those words. Can you say you love your spouse as much as you love yourself? Most people answer that question as: "I love my spouse more than I love myself." So, how does this work and why is it so important to love ourselves?

In the everyday world we have so many things to take care of that sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves. Work, family, finances, school, and other subjects occupy our minds and our hearts. Let’s compare ourselves with a sword. A sword can be mighty powerful if it is sharp but if the sword is overused the edge will eventually dull. Once the sword is dull there is no use for it, unless of course you sharpen it again. We need to get “sharpened” every once in a while, or we will not be able to function in our relationships.

How can we REALLY learn to love ourselves when all we see around us is a bunch of ads with perfect women or men? First of all, self-esteem has to come from the inside out, not all the way around. It has to come from our heart, our mind, and our soul. Achieving such a thing is not easy, regardless of gender. We are bombarded everyday with adds for weight loss, hair loss, “male member” enhancers, and so many other products that are there to “help” us become “perfect.” Once Cindy Crawford saw one of her pictures after being filtered with light, airbrushed, and altered though photo shop, and said “Wow, I wish I looked like Cindy Crawford.”

Our society is modeled by the media. If we constantly compare ourselves with a bunch of pictures enhanced, and altered to the point of not being human anymore, we will defiantly get down on ourselves and even depressed for not being able to achieve such looks. Bone structure, height, genes, hormones, among others, dictate our body type. We can always strive for a healthy life-style.

It is very important to have a healthy life-style. Having a healthy diet, working out in whatever type sport you want, and keeping up with vitamins and a Dr. check ups when necessary won’t hurt anybody, quite the opposite. Part of having a high self esteem is being healthy.

What do you see in the mirror every time you look at yourself?
Are you tired?
Are you happy?
Are you sad?
What do you feel when you see yourself in the mirror?

When you see your reflection: you see your emotions, looks, the true you. So try this: Next time you see yourself in the mirror, SMILE! Be kind to yourself, think how unique you are, there is nobody like you. Look at how beautifully human you are. Nobody is perfect, so cut yourself some slack! Remember how much you are worth, not because someone told you but because you are YOU!

Want to feel better about yourself? Today is a good day to start doing that which will help you feel better. Remember you are beautiful, or handsome. Did you know that the true “IT” thing that people like Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor, Harrison Ford, etc. have or had is more of a personality trait than just looks? So get yourself some “IT”. Men love women who are sure of themselves. Nothing is more of a turn on than a woman who is comfortable being who she truly is. At the same time, nothing attracts women more than men who are sure of themselves. Looks go to the back burner when someone has that “IT” factor.

Think about it. Have you ever met someone who is quite popular with the ladies but is not THAT good looking? Or how about that girl that enters a room, and makes that room hers, even though she is no Barbie? People are truly attracted to personalities.

SMILE! You are beautiful and unique. You are yourself, you have the pleasure of being yourself. You and only you hold the key to change yourself into whatever you want to be. It is never too late to start getting to know yourself.

The most beautiful thing is that in a marriage you get to be your partners #1 fan. You have an opportunity to help your partner become all he or she can be.Be careful with constructive criticism; remember you are still criticizing their person. See your partner with the eyes of everlasting love. Once you have achieved seeing your partner with everlasting love, you will be able to let go all those little things, and focus in a beautiful relationship. Your partner is human, he or she has flaws, but so do you. Learning how to improve yourself and your marriage, is also something you must see with everlasting love.

Don’t look outside the door for something you already have inside. It is a waste of your time, because what you want is already inside waiting for you. Remember the grass isn't greener in the other side.

Once you have achieved loving yourself for who you are, you will realize how much easier is accepting everyone else. Remember you are human, and so is your partner, so take an opportunity to look back and enjoy what you two have. Everybody has flaws, but to look over them and improve, that is a success.
“I wish I could show you, When you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz

New Year... No Problem!

2013-07-16T11:31:00.003-07:00

Original Posting:
http://best-marriage-tips-finances.blogspot.com/2013/06/new-year-no-problem.html

            The new year is here! This time brings reflection to our lives. Did we achieved all the goals we set at the beginning of 2011? Sometimes we set goals that in somehow are hard to reach. Loosing weight, get in shape, be healthier, travel and see the world, improve in some way; those are some of the most common goals people set on new year's eve.

This time can also be a little depressing if we didn't achieve our goals. Those goals we set ourselves in new year last in average for about 3 to 4 months and then reality hits and we have 10,000 things to do as well. Some people actually get really depressed around this date. Holidays are over, and as you might have noticed commercialism makes an even bigger deal out of the holidays. So how about we focus in ourselves for a couple of minutes and start over.

               The new year brings hope, excitement, and a lot of self-judgement. Nobody judges as harsh as ourselves. I am my biggest judge. So, how to start setting goals? How about even starting to think about setting goals. A friend of mine would write all her goals for the new year, she would get really excited coming up with ideas. She would xerox her goals and then she would share it with the people she care about in the hopes of inspiring everyone else around her. Her goals were hard to achieve, her list would include things like: dropping 50-60 pounds, eating healthy all the time, go to the gym to work out, help her children with homework, selling catalog products, and trying to become a national leader (or something like that I do not remember the term she used), rekindle her relationship with her husband, read the bible at least 4 times during the year, and enroll more than 50 people with her company. These were her goals year after year. Those are not bad goals, but in order to achieve every single goal she had to work hard EVERY day. She would be exhausted by September and just give up around the holidays. And then she would start all over again. Her self-esteem? Not good at all.

              Patience is hard to achieve. Achieving our goals take patience, endurance, hard work, commitment, passion, and love. Love for ourselves. I don't mean that we need to be self-centered, but just love one-self. Here are some ideas to start with. Simple ideas that can give you the bust to achieve longer-term goals:
- Get a haircut, or a new look. This will help you feel fresh and renewed.
- Get groomed. Look your best and smell even better! No need to spend money, some deodorant, shampoo, conditioner and a couple of razors will do. Clean people are nice to be around.
- Volunteer a couple of hours a week. Helping other people will give you a sense of fulfillment, an a happier look at life while learning how needed you are for those you help.
- Look at yourself in the mirror and see how beautiful you are.

No need to spend too much money, but the investment will prove itself wroth it.
Remember not to set yourself for failure. Make goals that are realistic and make a sketch on how to obtain and achieve goals. You need to know where to start. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. But you have to believe you really are that amazing.

If throughout the journey you realize that you are not happy with that decision then turn your way and look inside you and see what would make you happy. Learn, love, forgive and every day say this line:
EVERY DAY, IN EVERY WAY I AM BETTER AND BETTER!

One last advice: LAUGH HARD! SMILE A LOT! AND FORGIVE MORE!

May all your dreams come true and may you find happiness inside of your heart, after all beauty comes from within. xx

Financial Tips for Couples

2013-07-16T11:30:00.004-07:00

Original Posting:
http://best-marriage-tips-finances.blogspot.com/2013/06/financial-tips-for-couples.html

The way we earn, spend, and save money is an expression of our most fundamental financial beliefs. If our priorities are out of sync, money problems can become the divide in an otherwise harmonious relationship. Statistics suggest that as many as 80% of couples who split up say the major cause was marriage money problems. By working together toward financial freedom, money can cease being a source of conflict and become a way to express our highest values, while providing comfort and security to those we love most.

Here are ways that you, as a couple, can improve your relationship with money.

While dating
1. Learn to have fun without a lot of money. A bike ride, walk in the park, home-cooked meal, free concert, or ice cream cone are just a few of the opportunities available to enjoy time with your lover without spending a lot of money.
2. Pay attention to your partner’s financial habits. Just because your beloved is a lot of fun and a good kisser does not mean that she is fiscally responsible. Before you commit yourself, learn how your partner handles the big issues of real life, including financial matters.
3. Discuss your dreams and goals with your partner. Almost everything you will do during your lives together will cost money. Make sure your partner’s goals are compatible with yours.

Living Together
4. Don’t move in by degrees. Some people leave their toothbrush one night, then a few changes of clothes, and before they know it, they've moved in. Have a discussion with your partner about leases, household expenses, and other important matters before you make your decision.
5. Create a written living-together agreement. Clarifying your intentions in writing will help you to avoid misunderstandings and costly disagreements later. In most cases, your agreement will be enforceable in court.
6. Plan carefully before you borrow with your beloved. Determine in advance who will be responsible for debts incurred during the relationship. In the absence of an agreement, each partner is generally responsible for debts for which she has signed, often without recourse to the other partner for repayment.

For Newlyweds
7. Time your marriage to minimize taxes. If both you and your beloved are employed, the “marriage penalty” may force you to pay more taxes as a married couple than you would if you were single, so marry the following January rather than December. However, if one spouse earns most of the money, you’ll enjoy a “marriage bonus,” paying less tax as a married couple than you would as two single people, so a December wedding might be wise.
8. If you are paying for your own wedding, pay cash instead of going into debt. Have the courage to care more for the reality of your joint finances than the symbolic ritual of a lavish party. Consider having a small get-together to memorialize your love, and then throw a larger party when you can afford it.
9. If you receive monetary gifts on your wedding day, don’t spend them all. Set aside as much as you can to invest for shared dreams, such as a house, business, or children.
10. Review your investments. Determine if you need to change your investment allocations to meet your joint goals. Your partner’s assets can provide you with some investment flexibility that you could not achieve while single.

Joining Your Financial Lives
11. Create a workable budget for your financial lives. Who will be responsible for paying bills, filing invoices, balancing the checkbook, and researching large purchases? Establish a division of labor that suits your talents and needs.
12. Celebrate your differences. If one of you is a saver and the other a spender, create a budget that allows for both. If your partner is a bargain-hunter, put him in charge of the spending part of the budget, while you invest the savings.
13. Confide in your partner. Keeping financial problems to yourself is destructive to the openness and stability of your relationship. Discuss your worries with your mate and ask her for practical suggestions and support.
14. Rank your financial priorities. Where your individual goals coincide, make a list of the steps it will take to accomplish those goals. Where they collide, figure out which you can live without and how to combine the rest with your partner’s plans.

Starting a Family
15. If one partner will stay at home while the other works full-time, discuss the model you will use for your finances. Will you pay the homemaker a salary for her services? Have a spending limit for purchases, like a corporate buyer? Create an arrangement that shows respect for the most important job on Earth: raising a wonderful human being.
16. If you haven’t already, now is the perfect time to prepare your will. You don’t want guardianship issues to be settled in court if anything happens to you. Ask a friend or relative if he would be willing to be the legal and/or financial guardian for your children after you’re gone. Then, follow through by updating and signing your will.
17. If you stay home, keep up your career skills. Work part-time to maintain your skills and contacts, or go to school part-time to improve your financial prospects. Maintain your skills so you can ease your transition to the workplace.

Relationship Skills for Financial Success
18. Organize regular “money talks” to discuss your financial situation, dreams, and goals. Use this time to brainstorm creative solutions to problems and generate ideas to improve your future.
19. Work with your partners personality, instead of against it. One of you makes financial decisions instantly, while the other one deliberates for days. One of you hates paperwork, while the other has anxiety if every blank is not filled out completely and perfectly. Focus on a positive outcome, not the method of traveling.
20. Don’t ignore your partner’s needs. It may not be important to you, but if it’s important to your partner, it’s important to your partnership. Treat your partner as a business associate, not a dumping ground. Hear what your partner is saying, consider it, and respond.
21. Join an investment club, or form one for your family. Investment clubs are social gatherings where the members can learn about finances together. It’s a great opportunity to share good times and learn how to invest at the same time.

And the biggest and most important tip of all, as we have said many times "ALWAYS BE HONEST WITH YOUR PARTNER." If your in trouble, keep your partner up to speed on your situation. Nothing will cause a fight quicker than springing a large heap of financial problems on your spouse when they think everything is fine.

No Excuse for Abuse EVER

2013-07-16T11:27:00.001-07:00

Original Posting:

http://best-marriage-tips-dv.blogspot.com/2013/06/no-excuse-for-abuse-ever.html

As you might know, we are marriage advocates. We love writing about how to improve relationships and how to solve problems in marriages. We support marriage as an institution. We understand that everybody has the right to love and be loved. We see the potential in many, many relationships. Now, why would we be writing about abuse?

There is a thin line that once it's been crossed, it can become very faint. That line is called abuse. There are several types of abuse: Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and psychological abuse, or any combination of any of these. Neglect can be abuse as well. Abuse is never ok. There is no excuse for abuse. Abuse does not only happen from men to women, it can also happen from women to men, from men to men, and from women to women. Although abuse is reported mainly by women, men often live abuse in their own silent reality. Men are encouraged to report abuse sadly, there is a macho pride that often keeps men from reporting abuse.

One of our readers asked us to write about this subject because sometimes it's hard to recognize if you are in an abusive relationship. Let's first learn why abuse happens.

The goal of an abuser is CONTROL. Something very important to learn is that you can not control anybody but yourself. That is also a very empowering statement.You have full control over your acts. Over your feelings, and even over your thoughts. We allow ourselves to loose that power by feeling offended, by feeling hurt, by feeling that someone else can control your life. Nobody has power or control over your life unless you surrender that power. Abuse happens when someone tries to take control through fear. Let's take a look at sexual abuse. Rape is never about sex, it is about power. It is about forcing an act upon someone who is not a willing participant.Child abuse (I consider this the most horrible type of abuse) is about taking full control over someone so frail and helpless that can't do anything about it. Let's take a look at every single type of abuse so we can understand better how it happens and how to recognize it if it happens.

Physical abuse is often the most easily recognized form of abuse. Physical abuse can be any kind of hitting, shaking, burning, pinching, biting, choking, throwing, beating, and other actions that cause physical injury, leave marks, or cause pain.

Sexual abuse is any type of unwelcome sexual contact, or if one person overpowers another, regardless of age. If a family member sexually abuses another family member, this is called incest. Rape can also occur in married couples. Remember NO MEANS NO. If you said no, and the other person didn't care and was sexually aggressive, it was rape. There was a case in which a dating couple went out, and things started to get steamy. They took off their clothes and when he was about to penetrate her she asked him to stop. He was very into it so he didn't care and still had sex with her. Was she raped? You bet she was. Again, NO means NO!

Emotional/Verbal abuse This type of abuse can be the most difficult to identify because there are usually no outward signs of the abuse. Emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when parents constantly criticize, threaten, or dismiss kids or teens until their self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. Emotional abuse can hurt and cause damage just as physical abuse does. In a marriage this can happen more than often, since it's not physical, many people think it is ok. Calling each other names, insulting each other, or just bringing the person down can be classified as emotional abuse. Remember that our partner has a heart. Following the golden rule will help us to stay away from this type of abuse: "Do not do anything to your partner that you would not like done to you." Or, "Treat your partner as you would like to be treated."

Neglect is difficult to identify and define. Neglect occurs when a child or teen doesn't have adequate food, housing, clothes, medical care, or supervision. Emotional neglect happens when a parent doesn't provide enough emotional support or deliberately and consistently pays very little or no attention to a child. This doesn't mean that a parent doesn't give a kid something he or she wants, like a new computer or a cell phone, but refers to more basic needs like food, shelter, and love. In a relationship neglect can happen so easy. Ignoring out partner needs, under-appreciating what our partner does for us is neglect. Sometimes neglect can lead to divorce, cheating, and even escalate to physical abuse. The best way to take a double look at out relationship is thinking what would I do if I didn't have this lovely person by my side. Also, if you think you are being neglected, the best way to address this and any other issue is through clear communication. Neglect is more emotional than it is material. Nevertheless, if there is a lack of the basic necessities, and the person knows it and consciously ignore those needs, it is consider neglect. By no means I want you to think that because your husband bought you a Rue21 purse instead of a Prada it could be neglect, that is just material. But open your eyes, appreciate the hard work your partner does, the lovely food he or she cooks, how good he or she looks, and remember, an I LOVE YOU always has a place in a conversation.

If you or someone you know is being a victim of any kind of abuse, there is help. Abuse is never ok. Call the non-emergency line for the police department and they will be able to appoint you to a victims advocate. There is a lot of help. And you are NEVER alone.

Last but not least, abuse happens in a cycle:
Phase 1: Tension increases, breakdown of communication. Victim becomes fearful.

Phase 2: Incident occurs. Verbal, emotional, physical, sexual abuse. Anger, blaming, arguing happen. Treats and intimidation towards the victim.

Phase 3: Reconciliation between the abuser and the victim. Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim. Sometimes the abuser denies that the claims the victim has are not true o accuses the victim of exaggerating the facts.

Phase 4: Honeymoon. Abuser brings flowers, promises not to do it ever again. Takes the victims on a few dates. Abuser tries to make it up to the victim, until PHASE 1 occurs again....

We as a couple, as writers of this blog, are all up for saving marriages, for HEALTHY relationships, and for fighting for love. But only those relationships that are worth saving. Abuse between partners does not only affect the marriage but also the family in general, especially when kids are involved. Violence in the presence of a child is a crime, and a life marking experience. Help is always available. Here are some resources we found and recommend if you or anybody you know is being abused.

1. Your local police department. They MUST always be #1.
2. http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm
3. Local Domestic violence shelters.

It is very important to have a safe plan. What am I going to do if this happens again? Where am I going to go to keep my children and myself safe? Who am I going to tell about this? And always have some money saved as part of the plan, just in case it happens again. And the most important thing is that if it happen once, chances of it happening again are extremely high. We will be posting another blog about methods to control anger. Cues to know when anger is escalating and tips to help you control the anger before it becomes aggression. Keep on keeping on!

Love your partner as the treasure he or she really is. Treat him or her as you would like to be treated yourself. If there is a difference, talk about it. Communication is the key.

Red Flags of an Unhealthy Relationship

2013-07-16T11:23:00.002-07:00

Original Posting:
http://best-marriage-tips-dv.blogspot.com/2013/06/red-flags-of-unhealthy-relationship.html

This article is for you to share, especially if you have teenagers. It is also a self exam to make sure your relationship stays healthy. Remember that it is still a good time to make any changes that need to be made. Our last piece is called "Healthy Relationships." If you feel that there are some things that are pointing at a red flag feel free to read "Healthy Relationships" and find those tips that will work for you.

Unhealthy relationships are based upon POWER, CONTROL, and INEQUALITY. Power and control thrives on intimidation, degrading comments, and violence. You can not control anybody but yourself. At the same time having total control over yourself is quite a victory. Nobody can have control over you, but yourself. Most episodes of aggression and abuse start over control itself.

Here are some of those red flags that will help you identify an unhealthy relationships.
1. Minimization and Blame This can include such things as:
- Not taking responsibility for your own actions.
- Blame anything that happens on your partner.
- Blame any accident that happens to you on your partner. Ie." I dropped that glass because you left it too close to the edge." When in reality it was an accident and maybe next time I can pay more attention.

2. Intimidation: It works by creating fear in the subject. It can include behaviors such as:
- Yelling or screaming.
- Using a threatening tone.
- Throwing objects at each other or at the floor.
- Breaking objects.
- Punching walls.
- Getting really close to the subject's face and invading personal space.

3. Domination: Treating your partner like a baby, property or servant.
- Like we said before, you can't control anybody but yourself. Same way nobody can control you but you.
- When we surrender control of ourselves we loose that free will to someone else.
- One big flag about domination is when the other person controls friends, job, facebook and emails, phone records, and asks for explanations to everything as if you had to render account for everything you do. This is done without reason.
- The dominant part wants to be served. He or she has a sense of entitlement.

4. Possessiveness: Using jealousy as a sign of love.
- Accusing his or her partner of cheating, or in the other hand, being accused of cheating constantly. Remember that trust is a key in a relationship.
- Controlling friends. No friends of the opposite sex allowed.
- Checking in over the phone very often with the only purpose of knowing what is he or she doing and mostly if he or she is cheating.
- Controlling who he or she talks to in facebook, on your phone, over emails, and even in person.
- Following around the spouse everywhere he or she goes.
- Listening to phone conversations.
- Going through email, facebook, chats, or phone records, often just to find out if his or her partner is cheating
Trust is an important key in a relationship. If you don't want your partner to be snooping around, he or she will have no reason to. Harassing a spouse is a crime. So be sure and keep everything honest.

5. Humiliation: Putting down your partner.
- Insulting your partner.
- Degrading your partner.
- Making fun of your partner.
- Making your partner feel stupid, especially in public.

6. Sexual Abuse: Some of the red flags can be:
- Bragging about your sexual relationship.
- Comparing your partner with former partners.
- Flirting with another person to make your partner jealous.
- Using drugs or alcohol to get sex.
-Pressuring your partner into something they do not want to do.
- You can also refer to our blog "No Excuse for Abuse" for more information about sexual abuse.

7. Physical Abuse: Some of the red flags can be:
- Holding your partner so they can't leave.
- Slamming your partner into the wall.

I Got Flowers Today!

2013-07-16T11:21:00.002-07:00

Original Posting:
http://best-marriage-tips-dv.blogspot.com/2013/06/i-got-flowers-today.html

Another poem by an unknown author, please share this to help any women you know who are in harmful relationships be able to have the courage to do what is best for them and their safety.

I Got Flowers Today
(Dedicated to Battered Women)

I got flowers today!
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night;
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe that it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day;
Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
It seemed unreal, a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares;
And I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over—but I know he is sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Valentines Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Makeup and long sleeves didn't hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldn't go to work today because I didn't want anyone to know—but I know he’s sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me again, and it was worse than all of the other times;
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him, but I'm too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today….
Today was a special day—it was the day of my funeral;
Last night he killed me;
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
I could have received help from the Women’s Shelter, but I didn’t ask for their help;
So I got flowers today—for the last time.

Safety Plan. Do you know what to do if you are in danger?

2013-07-16T11:19:00.001-07:00

Original Posting:
http://best-marriage-tips-dv.blogspot.com/2013/06/safety-plan-do-you-know-what-to-do-if.html

We prepared this blog for all of you so you can be prepared and even help other people. This can be for children, teenagers, adults, and even elderly people who are victims of any kind of abuse and need to know how to get out of it and break the cycle. We will talk a little about some issues that may seem like a wall when trying to leave an abusive relationship. Being prepared can save your life and the lives of the ones you love.

I will expose some questions that frequently come up at the time of preparing an emergency plan. I will answer all of them at the end of the blog.

Some of the things that make abuse victims stay is that they may be dependent of the aggressor. A victim can become dependent in many ways:
- Financially
- Emotionally
- Psychologically
- Lack of resources
- Have children in common

Here is an example of how dependability works. I am not comparing the situation with anybody else's. This is a sad reality that happens everyday in the streets. This is a very clear example of how the pimps make their prostitutes so dependent. The PIMPS will try to get prostitutes to work for them. At the beginning they will provide them with clothes, jewelry, and anything else they want, including drugs. If the prostitute refuses to use drugs they will insist until the point where the poor prostitute is forced to use. This process in which the prostitute becomes absolutely dependent of her pimp is called "Braking the Bitch." Most girls will stay faithful to that pimp. The fear of leaving him and move elsewhere is out of the question given that the pimp has messed with their minds and has them completely under his control.

The reason why I am sharing this is because aggressors can manipulate our minds if we let them. It is hard to brake through that cycle. This is why victims are also called survivors. They manage to survive and push through. Sadly, not everyone makes it alive; some victims try to leave but their aggressors have become assassins too.

There may be other areas but these ones are the ones that most victims report as the main reason for staying with their aggressor.

Financial dependability: Victims can be both males and females of any age. Abuse is about control and we know that one of the biggest ways an aggressor controls a victim is through money. The aggressors know their bank statement as well as all of us know our own, and most victims know that if they take significant amounts of money out of the bank or the budget it will be obvious and it will cause even more problems. How can I save money in order to be able to go away without my aggressor knowing it?

Emotional and psychological dependability (fear): Emotional and psychological dependability are the hardest ones to brake through because it is hard to recognize and it is hard to admit it is happening to ourselves. The aggressors will go through the cycle of abuse over and over again. As victims there is always hope in our hearts that he or she will change, that this won't happen again. But it does happen. The reason we put these two ones together is because they are attached. As psychological abuse grows, our emotional self gets hurt. The worst part of this dependability is that it is created through psychological threats that make us attach ourselves emotionally to this person. Some of the things that create emotional and psychological dependability can be:
- Attach ourselves to memories of better times with the hope of things going back to the way they were..
- The aggressor may make you feel that you are so important that he or she will kill himself or herself if you decide to leave.
- The aggressor will put the victim down by doing a "reality check" with things such as:
     a) Nobody else will love you the way I love you.
     b) I put up with your stuff! Nobody else will put up with your crap.
     c) I will stay and give it another shot if you want, but a lot of things will change around here. My rules now.
     d) I do this because I love you. I just want you to be a better person. It hurts me more than it hurts you.
     e) I am so sorry, this won't happen again. You know I can be better than this but I need you. I can't do it by myself!
     f) You know that wherever you are I will find you. Why splitting up when you can be here "safe" with me. You don't want anybody else to get hurt, right?

These are some examples of psychological abuse, that at the same time create emotional dependability. It is important to remember that the words may not be the same but the meaning is. These examples will help you identify psychological and emotional abuse and dependability. How can I grow independent in order to detach myself from this cycle?

Lack of resources. I depend on my aggressor to go by. This is actually one of the biggest walls a victim has to break through. Where is safe for me to go? I have no family close and I am traped in here. This can be a hard situation to face, especially if you have kids that you must take with you. How can I find a safe place to go for me or my kids?

We have children in common. I may wait until they grow up to leave, some say. .This can become a big problem. It is not easy to relocate children, but it is not impossible. If you are being victim of abuse and your children are present at the moment it can damage them more than leaving. Children are highly impressionable. Children that come from homes in which domestic abuse happens grow with anxiety, fear, and more than often they can become involved in an abusive relationship themselves in witch they are the aggressors or the victims. Do you want your children to suffer through the cycle? Or would you break that cycle and teach them to have healthy relationships? How can I keep my children safe?

How can I save money in order to be able to go away without my aggressor knowing it?
Solution:  Every paycheck put together small amounts aside. If you want to have a bank account have one that is only at your name. It is also good to ask for help from people you can trust and will not inform your aggressor. Family members, clergy at your church, friends and neighbors. You don't need to explain them everything that is happening if you don't trust them. It is good that if you are not sure if you will get bank statements from your emergency account you have another place to put money away. These savings have the unique purpose to help you get by until you can settle down in a safe place, so you don't want your aggressor to know about them.
How can I grow independent in order to detach myself from this cycle?
Fist of all you need to remember that once the line of abuse is crossed, it will be crossed again. Abuse is a cycle. The honey-moon stage may confuse you to believe things will get better when the truth is things will not get better unless the aggressor seeks professional help and agrees to marriage counseling. I must say that even then abuse is very likely to happen again.

How can I find a safe place to go for me and my kids?
Solution: Talk to people you trust such as family members, friends, clergy member, victims advocates, and even neighbors. Talk to them and ask if you may come to their homes in case of an emergency. Educate yourself about shelters for victims and how to get to them. Find a place where your kids can be welcomed at any time. I want to share with you a story that shows how important having a safe place is:
A couple of years ago a mom -who had been suffering abuse for a long time- talked to her kids and they established a secret word. If the kids heard the word they had to go to the neighbor's trailer and stay there and call the cops. One night the dad came back home. He had been drinking. He started beating up his wife, to what she immediately said "apples" (word has been changed to protect identities) the kids ran as fast as they could to the neighbor's trailer. When the fist kid reached the trailer he pulled the other two as fast as he could when he was startled by a shot gun blast. The kids hurry and called the police. The father had killed their mother and was planning on killing all of the kids as well. He had enough bullets for every single one of them. The father had no idea where the kids were. That gave the kids time to call the police. The police was there in a matter of minutes. They were able to stop him, they cuffed him and took him to jail. Mom never knew she would save her kids life by being prepared. Sadly this story is true.

How can I keep my children safe?
Solution: As the story above taught us having a specific word that may mean nothing to the aggressor can save lives. This is actually one of the main things that can help you keep your children safe. Having a specific word that means go to your room and lock the door, or call the police, or even go to the neighbor's house. If you have children in common you must make sure that the kids know it is not their fault. You must also understand their wish to see the other parent. Make sure to have the cops with you if you must share custody of the children. File a protective order, that way your aggressor will not be able to come near you. Make sure you inform the school of the situation. For example, if you know that your kids are in danger or the other parent is not supposed to have them; that way the school will do everything they can to protect your children. Make sure your kids have a place to go to in case of emergency, this includes notifying whoever you count on, that way they will be prepared to protect your children and help you in case of emergency.

In conclusion, having a safety plan can help you be protected in case of emergency. Here is a checklist that will help you be ready in case of imminent danger.

Have a bag ready with clothes for you and your children also keep in that bag:
Money
Id's, passports, social security cards, birth certificates and copies of protective orders
Addresses for shelters or a safe place for you and your children

Remember, if you feel like your life is in danger CALL THE POLICE!
These are guidelines for victims of abuse that can save your life. If you feel like you don't have everything you need but you need to get out of the abusive relationship THERE IS HELP! Contact your local shelters and churches to get help. Contact victims advocates at the police departments who can help you immediately. You can do it. Trust yourself. You are strong, and you are never alone. You need to speak up.

A Poem for my Angel

2013-07-16T10:53:00.005-07:00

Original Posting:

http://best-marriage-tips-d-g-m.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-poem-for-my-angel.html

"Although you are not here for now, you have left us something beautiful behind. I know the day will come when I can hold you in my arms and we will be together forever."

Marie Nielsen

Mommy You're Never Alone

2013-07-16T10:52:00.003-07:00

Original Posting

http://best-marriage-tips-d-g-m.blogspot.com/2013/06/mommy-your-never-alone.html

This poem is by Marie Nielsen, a dear friend who went through miscarriage. It made me cry. I want to share it with you all.

Mommy, you are never alone.
I know your heart aches, and your arms are empty,
But mommy, you are never alone.
Soon I departed up above and became an angel of the Lord.
Since early time I felt your warmth, I heard your voice, I felt your heart,
I could always feel your love and I knew I was never alone.
I am there when you wake up, as a ray of sunshine is my love.
I know you wish I was still here.
But feel my love, I am right here.
When the night comes up it’s by your side I lay and rest,
I stroke your hair and cuddle near your chest.
But mommy don’t be sad.
I am with you in every step you take.
Don’t be sad mommy dear,
When you feel sad remember I am here.
Don’t cry for me mommy,
Feel my whisper in your heart,
We will never be apart.

Don't Cry for me Daddy

2013-07-16T10:48:00.000-07:00

Original Posting:

http://best-marriage-tips-d-g-m.blogspot.com/2013/06/dont-cry-for-me-daddy.html

I found this today and it made me cry. I don't know who wrote it, but this is a very inspirational very touching poem that reminds us that just because our little ones may be gone, we have not forgotten them and they will never forget us. This was written for dads but it is just as applicable for moms as well. Miscarriage, Stillborn, and infant death affects everyone, and this can help anyone who is dealing with any of these sad moments.

Don’t cry for me daddy,

I am right here.

Although you cant see me,

I can see your tears.

I visit you often,

go to work

with you each day.

And when it’s time too close your eyes,...

On your pillow is where I lay.

I hold your hand and stroke your hair,

And whisper in your ear,

If your sad today daddy,

remember I am here.

God took me home,

this we know is true,

But you will always be my daddy,

Even though I’m not with you,

I am daddy’s little boy.

We will never be apart,

For every time you think of me,

Please know I am in your heart

Love,
your little boy.

Tips for Friends and Families of Couples Dealing with Miscarriage

2013-07-16T10:40:00.002-07:00

Original Posting:

http://best-marriage-tips-d-g-m.blogspot.com/2013/06/tips-for-friends-and-families-of.html

We created this page with the hope to help in those hard times. We understand how hard is to even start talking about pregnancy loss and still birth. Most people don't understand why we mourn the loss of a life that will never become in this world. Here is a page you can share with your friends and family and everybody you want so they can understand what is going on and what are the best ways to help out. From our heart to yours!

*Listen and Understand*
Miscarriage is the loss of pregnancy, but the sadness is not only due to a physical loss. When a woman and a man find out that they are going to be parents hope fills their hearts. Hope for that baby to be healthy, for a healthy pregnancy, for a birth, they can imagine they baby in their arms,feeding their baby, playtime, teaching their child to walk, to talk, to read and write, seeing their child graduating from high school and even going to college and becoming a professional. All those dreams die when the pregnancy stops. It is a sudden loss. The reason I am telling you this is because you must understand how painful a miscarriage or a still birth can be. It is truly a loss and we mourn that loss. Often just being there to listen is great. Keep in mind that people going through this may feel guilty for dumping on you, or are afraid of not being understood. They may be afraid to upset you, and sometimes the pain is so hard to even start talking. Be supportive.

*Bring Food and Help Out*
When we went through this, and I would have to be at work all day. There were several times when I would get home and find a neighbor sitting on the couch talking with my wife with a meal on the table waiting for us. It was a great help. It doesn't need to be fancy. I know for us, we really didn't want to eat anyways. I ate because I knew that I had to. It took a while for us to want to eat again or enjoy it. I am the wife. I will always remember those sweet people who were eager to help. Be sure to help with the older kids. Sometimes the depression and sadness is so strong it is hard to jump back into everyday life.

*Give a hug*
What can I say, sometimes the best things are the simplest.
I remember the first time that my Dad saw my wife after the miscarriage, he just gave her a big hug and told her that if she needed any more, there were plenty more. He said that a friend had told him to just be quiet and give her a hug.

*Respect Boundaries*
Keep in mind that at this time, people will be far more touchy than usual. Unfortunatly, there is no easy answer as to where the boundary will be. Some people will need to talk and others will need to just carry on. All you can do is to be there for them and try to respond to what they need. Always let them know you care, and offer to help with anything they need. Thank you for caring. Deep inside our hearts we have imprinted the love of those who were there for us. I know any effort you make, even reading this page, will be highly appreciated.

Out of Bounds Topics for Couples (or topics that probably should be out of bounds)

2013-07-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

Original Posting:

http://best-marriage-tips-marriage-love.blogspot.com/2013/07/out-of-bounds-topics-for-couples-or.html

Hello again, I was thinking about some of the couples we've helped, and I realized that there is a problem in common with most of them. We are told several times that honesty is the best policy. In some cases this is true. The things you should never say to your partner are not lies by all meanings, are simple stuff that is obvious to them. We all have mirrors, and we can see things we don't like about ourselves. So most of the time we don't need someone else to point them out and throw us into the deep dark hole that is self-consciousness. Here is a list that might seem silly, but it contains subjects that no matter what you should not EVER tell your partner. If you do, instead of helping it will end up hurting them beyond belief.

1. You are fat.
2. Wow, you ARE getting old.
3. Remember when we got together? you looked so good back then...
4. You should start a diet
5. You left for your trip so skinny and now, look at yourself...
6. Are you in yet?
7. I’m not saying you are that small, it's just that I've been with bigger guys...
8. Ewww I thought penises look nicer...
9. Ewww vaginas ARE ugly.
10. You are starting to look like your mother. You better do something to lose weight and look better.
11. Are you close to getting done yet?
12. You are losing hair; I can see the bald spots from here.
13. Well, I wasn't expecting you to get better looking with the years but DAMN!
14. You look fat.
15. You look gross.
16. You look too fat in that outfit.
17. Wow, someone has been pigging out!
18. My mom said you are too fat, you better start working out.
19. You are too gross right now; I don't want to have sex.
20. Hey Hun, look they are selling a pill to make your dick bigger! We should try that!

I know, you are probably thinking I would never say that. Well luckily enough we are usually not as blunt to say exactly those words. Sometimes we say something very similar that means the exact same thing. For example: You probably need to lose some weight, maybe we should get you a bigger size, DAMN you are packing on the pounds, maybe you should start a diet, and I saw this add for hair loss…. maybe you should check it out. Even though they are not as blunt, they are really hurtful.

If we feel that our partner might need some help losing a couple of extra pounds, don't tell him or her. I'm pretty sure they all have mirrors. Instead say something like: Babe, I want to start a diet for myself, would you do it with me so I don't get discouraged? Or, Hun, I want to start working out, but you know me, and I need a buddy, would you come with me? In either case we are not attacking the person we love. And remember if they say thanks but no thanks, DROP IT! It's more important to have a good relationship based in love and respect, than to feel we look bad for the person we love the most. Think about it.

When couples go through the loss of miscarriage

2013-07-16T10:21:00.001-07:00

Original Post:
http://best-marriage-tips-d-g-m.blogspot.com/2013/06/when-couples-go-through-loss-of.html

We have so many couples that go through this loss. Miscarriage is really sad, and most likely understood only by those who have gone through it. A dear friend of mine asked me to write about this subject because she is having a hard time going through it. Miscarriage is the loss of pregnancy. Some people who have not gone through it might find it hard to understand why it is so sad, after all, the baby isn't born yet. But let me explain you how this whole thing is like, and why is it so hard to go through. When a couple finds out that they are pregnant, hope and joy burst into fireworks. The very first time a woman and a man are told they are becoming a mother and a father, hope fills up their hearts. Will the baby be a boy or a girls? What is he or she going to look like? What is his or her favorite hobby will be? Will she become a ballerina or he a doctor? I know it sounds crazy, but deep inside our hearts we have all kinds of hope. We also develop a reality about becoming parents. Miscarriage is the loss of all of the above. It's the mourn of our hopes and dreams, we mourn that motherly and fatherly love towards someone so perfect and special. But overall, we mourn the life that will never be. Both men and women mourn the miscarriage in a different way.

Women tend to blame themselves and their bodies for failing them with the most important task of being a woman: Giving life. For the mothers-not-to-be it is a heavy burden. Miscarriage is a loss. Sometimes getting pregnant after a miscarriage is specially hard.Even looking at other women pregnant gives them a jealous, why not me feeling Women often blame themselves for nor being able to keep their baby alive inside their womb. The loss of tenderness in their breast, the feather-like tickle inside is gone, the mid-night cravings are not longer there, and the most important thing, the life they were keeping alive has vanished. Man have a hard time as well. Most man appear to be stronger than their partners, even though inside, they also have to mourn thei loss. They will not hold their precious baby in their arms. They also have the extra burden of being strong for their partner. More than often, they have to be the strong pillar. Man will have to be there for their woman, who is very depressed. The miscarriage is particularly stronger if it was the loss of the first child. Some women who lost their first child might develop depression and it is always recommended to visit a physician to look over those symptoms, besides of course the OB/GYN. Some women who have had children already might find some solace in holding their kids. One symptom that is very common when a woman has had other kids is that she might become over-protective. She will feel that she must keep the other kids safe, because she understands how much harder it will be to loose one of them. Man feel the responsibility to carry on. To remind his partner how much he loves her and that even though it might feel like it is the end of the world, it really isn't. Man have loss a child too, so women must love them and understand that the loss is share. Loving each-other is the only way to keep on keeping on.

The mourning of miscarriage can not be forced out. It will take its course. It is hard to get over with. Some people around us that don't quite understand, they try to tell us to move on and bless their heart, try to motivate us to get over it. But it just won't work like that. The best thing when a miscarriage occurs is to find support. Facebook has several groups with people that are going through the same thing. It is good to be understood in that moment. The best way to go is to understand that your baby will always be your little angel.

For all those ANGEL MOMS and DADS remember:
1. A miscarriage is a loss for both mother and father, so be supportive to your partner.
2. Be honest about your feelings, hiding them will only bottled them up, and it can always explode in your face.
3. Nobody knows what the future will bring, but right now, love the blessings that you have, especially your partner.

To all those angel babies: Sleep tight, beautiful angels!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ps. The picture above is a product from little angels online store. Check out their link here:
http://www.littleangelsonlinestore.com/Store/proddetail.php?prod=195GEP-S

Daily Love TIps

2013-07-16T10:15:00.003-07:00

We are posting Daily Love Tips on Twitter and Facebook. Here is a consolidated list of all of our tips and this will be updated daily when we post them on the other two sites. Twitter and Facebook #dailylovetips

1. Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.
2. Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.
3. Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.

2013-06-22T12:18:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the newly redesigned best-marriage-tips.blogspot.com

We are excited to move forward and really take this blog to an active page. Please feel free to share this blog and any of our posts on your facebook, myspace, google+, or your individual blogs. We are always looking for more topics to post about, so if you have any suggestions stop by the "About/Contact" page and drop us an email.

Thank you for your continued support

Best-Marriage-Tips Staff

*******Best Marriage Tips*******

The Importance of Loving Yourself

New Year... No Problem!

Financial Tips for Couples

No Excuse for Abuse EVER

Red Flags of an Unhealthy Relationship

I Got Flowers Today!

Safety Plan. Do you know what to do if you are in danger?

A Poem for my Angel

Mommy You're Never Alone

Don't Cry for me Daddy

Tips for Friends and Families of Couples Dealing with Miscarriage

Out of Bounds Topics for Couples (or topics that probably should be out of bounds)

When couples go through the loss of miscarriage

Daily Love TIps

Best Marriage Tips