Not only is the Best Parent Ever better than you, but their God is better than you too.

This is because the Best Parent Ever knows that even a perfect Supreme Being can be improved and customized. Cherry-pick a few biblical standards, mash it up with Buddhism and/or New Age nonsense, and then plug directly into your young child’s mind. The God/Goddess/Life-Force/Angels/Energy is good to go, like an over-priced Jamba Juice fusion of mystical energy boosts.

It’s no surprise that The Tribe claiming parental providence over the rest of us has also deemed a few millennia of spiritual tradition to be little more than Swifter chum of the soul. After all, isn’t old-time religion just a little too egalitarian for the BPE? The only way to park that spiritual Prius on the most exclusive block of the Afterlife is to change all the streets signs and roadmaps, so none but the Best of the Best can ever possess it.

So take that, St. Peter! Heaven is just another gated community built for the Best Parent Ever. Hey, they’ve gotten their children into the most exclusive preschools around. Do you really think they’ll have any trouble getting past some divine guard shack? Even if you manage to stall them for an infinity or two, Buddha, L. Ron, Deepak, and/or the Ghost of Oprah will be waiting to let them in the side exits when no one is looking. And that’s why, even when they are dead, the Best Parent Ever, will still be better than you. Halleluha! Namaste. Whatever. Amen.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they will survive the recession/depression better than you, simply by following this handy BPERG (Best Parent Ever Recession Guide).

As most BPEs know, money isn’t everything. But USING money to let people know you are BETTER than them is.

Thankfully, this is still possible, even with increasingly-limited resources! It just takes some attitude and a little old-fashioned obnoxiousness. Soon you too can be BETTER than them with less too.

Housing: Living it up with Liens. First off, it’s not a “recession.” It’s a “new economy.” This imbues all the BPE’s financial setbacks with the veneer of cutting-edge trendiness. Some might see a plain old foreclosure sign on the lawn of that local McMansion. But not the NE-BPE (New Economy Best Parent Ever). The Trustee Sale is an au currant status symbol. “Hey, you’re nobody `til your NOD (Notice of Default).”

The Stay At Home Mom is the New Nanny. That’s right. The only people the BPE could possibly pay less than their non-white nanny are themselves. So here’s a novel idea: take care of your own kids for a change! It will be informative, and you’ll finally understand how your nanny feels. Plus, your unemployed nanny will now get that much-needed extended vacation she has been meaning to ask you about, but has been too tired and hungry to ask for.

Public Schools are the New Private. When you come right down to it, the biggest difference between that must-attend private academy and the public school down the street is one thing: reputation. Unable to cough up the $30,000 in private school tuition, the NE-BPE must radically upgrade the reputation of their local free institutions. By getting involved in the schools? Assisting teachers? Perhaps even doing extra homework with their kids? Oh, please. We said “reputation,” not “real change.” The NE-BPE must immediately start spam-botting GreatSchools.com and parenting sites about the incredible accomplishments of their local public school, to make them seem extra prestigious … at least until the recession ends.

Clothing: “vintage” now means “last year.” Passing off your kids hand-me-downs as vintage clothing just got a little easier thanks to NE-BPE resourcefulness. In some circles, this kind of “resourcefulness” is called lying. But the NE-BPE likes to think that enhancing the historical merits of those organic onesies and overalls is the perfect anecdote to curtailed shopping budgets. And remember: it’s NOT a thrift store. It’s an exclusive boutique with one-of-a-kind merchandise.

Canvas Tote Bags Hide All. Can’t afford to shop at Whole Foods or the Farmer’s Market anymore? No one has to know. Just stuff your Wal-Mart produce in an earth-friendly canvas bag, preferably with some kind of “green” market logo on it. Plus, these bags are usually sturdy enough to carry heavy bottles of liquor, so you can “party like it’s 2007!”

All-Natural Never Looked So Good. Always remind people that your deferral of cosmetic surgery and other physical enhancements is not due to lack of funds, but your newfound love of the environmental-friendly all- natural look. You’re not broke. You are the new Earth Mother. Love-handles are the new Botox – everyone should have some. (And, yes, that doesn’t make sense, but style — not logic — is the BPE’s hallmark.)

The $25 stroller. Little Red Wagons never go out of style, especially with some real authentic rust. People spend a fortune to age their most precious goods. You can just pull the old wagon out of your parents’ shed or cellar. Manure hand-carts work well too. Better make sure your NE-BPE kids have their tetanus shot!

Dumb Baby Names. Forget about Ava, Dylan, and Mia. This year’s hottest new name is… Ponzi.

The Nintendo Wii. Keep this. It’s a recession, not a depression after all.

So take that, jobless masses! The Best Parent Ever may be in the same financial boat as you, but their leaks are so much more stylish. That’s why, even as they sink, the Best Parent Ever is still better than you.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they share a hive mind, a single collective consciousness directed by the whims of attachment parenting experts and alternative lifestyle profiteers. Sort of like honeybees, or The Borg from Star Trek, but with better sunglasses.

The center of the hive mind, the proverbial mothership from which all crucial group-think emanates is the weekly Farmer’s Markets (every BPE neighborhood has one). There are no great proclamations or commands issued amidst the tasteful tents of organic pomegranate, wheat-free bread, and free-trade trinkets. It is a subtle exchange of social cues and non-verbal tweets. One day everyone is pushing a Bugaboo. The next: it’s Foray.

The BPE - Borg Parent Ever

Did you miss the miss that Directive from Command? Yes, of course you did. Because this whole exchange is completely invisible to the non-Best Parent Ever, who sanely eschews Farmer’s Markets for the local supermarket, with its double coupon values and child-restraining shopping carts. Grocery stores are actually about gathering food, and keeping your kid quiet in the cart’s child seat with an open box of crackers you haven’t paid for yet. The Farmer’s Market is about showing off your outstanding parenting skills and purchases, while you download the latest protocols of Best Parent Ever-ing.

So take that, Mother Earth! No one really gives a crap about your life-sustaining bounty and organic edibles — at least not at the BPE Farmer’s Market. Those aisles of soy candles and manure-soaked sprouts are only here to facilitate the controlling super structure of the Borg Parent Ever. And you MUST obey. You MUST!

Either that, or take your dumpy non-BPE ass over to the Safeway to stock up on those Club Card specials. You might even find a half-eaten box of crackers in the child seat. And you won’t pay for it either.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they have more money. Oh, yeah. And their kids are not vaccinated.

A recent study in the Los Angeles Times demonstrated what most of us have suspected all along: shunning vaccinations is a rich person thing. The study found dramatic increases in children entering Kindergarten without their shots (as high as 86 percent at one charter school). But the unvaccinated are concentrated at the highest-priced private schools, and public charter schools in the state’s most affluent areas.

The non-vaccinated child is fast becoming the Best Parent Ever’s new elitist status symbol. Are their legitimate risks to getting your child vaccinated? Yes, of course, there are, but they are only for the rest of you poor slobs. Today’s Marie Antoinette simply cries out from her castle walls (in Brentwood): “Let them eat MMR vaccines!”

So take that, peasants and middle class suckas! The Best Parent Ever has every possible financial and social advantage over you, and now they can claim a non-vaccinated medical one as well. That is, until a measles outbreak wipes them all out at their charter school. Whoops! Score one for evolution. And the well-vaccinated non-BPE suckas of this world.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they care enough for their children to dress them exactly like themselves.

Some might think a parent-child matching outfit is tacky. But not the Best Parent Ever. They know that the most important thing about a child is how he or she compliments The One Who Birthed Them. Children are like soft lighting or tequila – when used properly, they will completely enhance the appearance of ANYONE. And what’s more complimentary than swaddling one’s spawn in the exact same apparel sheathing your own middle-aged paunch and/or buttocks?

It’s all so simple: children are at their best when they are presented as exact, carbon copy, rubber stamp clones of the greatest person that ever lived… The Best Parent Ever. If you have not left the house recently with your child clad like a demented, baby-talking parental Mini-me of yourself, you obviously don’t love them. Or at least not as much as The Best Parent Ever.

So take that, D.N.A.! You may pass on all kinds of genetic material that make children look, act, and think almost exactly like their parents. But for the Best Parent Ever, that’s just not enough. Their children must dress exactly like them as well. They will be ordering two shirts now – one in extra-large adult, and one in toddler size. Same style, same color, same message: “We are so much better than you.”

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For the Best Parent Ever, there is no better way to say “I love you” to a child than by hiring someone else to say it for them.

No, we’re not talking about the ample supply of nannies, parenting coaches, and high-end preschool teachers.  This is a more subtle and profound expression: decorating the nursery.  This is where most parents can personally remind their child just how special and precious they really are to them.

Unless they’re the Best Parent Ever.  Then they can hire a professional Nursery Decorator to do the work for them.  Crib placement?  Color selection?  Coordinating the stuffed animals?  This is challenging work for the Best Parent Ever.

Is it yet another sign of the Apocalypse when successful, well-educated parents are unable to figure out where to put the crib in the child’s room?  Or must every child’s personal space look like it was art-directed by some primary-color-salivating, mescaline-crazed Tim Burton wannabe??

Either way, it doesn’t matter.  Because everyone knows the Best Parent Ever is a co-sleeper.  That custom-painted mural and professionally-”antiqued” rocking horse will soon gather dust beside the urine-resistant shabby-chic crib bumpers and organic mattress.  Our governments should forget about building new oil pipelines and just open some kind of high-speed tubular delivery system from the professionally-decorated nursery to the nearest thrift store to handle all this new found BPE crude.

So take that, sheep!  You will not be counted by the children of the Best Parent Ever, unless you’re hopping over a $14,000 Fantasy Carriage Crib.  After all, anyone can sleep.  Only the Best Parent Ever can pay someone a fortune to decorate their child’s bedroom.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because their infant wears baby kneepads.

Who knew crawling was such a hazardous activity for infants? Has the Best Parent Ever forsaken their understated Berbers for stylish wall-to-wall shards of glass?

So take that, future uppity folk who have descended from soft-kneed BPEs. The rest of the world will have grown up sharpening their leg joints on hardwood floors and Saxony plush broadlooms, making them that much stronger to knee you in the friggin’ groin when you annoy them. And you won’t be able to do anything about it with those those underdeveloped, phlegm-filled, kneepad-protected squid-sacs above your shins. But at least you – and your parents — will still be better than them.

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What does the Best Parent Ever have against cows?

To enter a BPE household is to discover a world without dairy. There is soy milk, rice milk, and almond milk, along with similarly-derived cheese-like products that often have the epicurean appeal of toilet grouting. For most of us, there is either cheese or “Cheez,” preferably with the word “whiz” after it. Everything else is just soy pus.

So take that, Old MacDonald! Your farm no longer rates even an e-i-e-i-o from the Best Parent Ever, with its barnyard full of lacto-toxic cows (as well as growth-hormone-bloated chicks, pigs, horses, and sheep). It would, however, be an entirely more acceptable aggro-business if your song went something like this…

Old MacDonald had a farm
B-P-E, I Am
And on this farm he only had soy.
B-P-E, I Am.
With fruit juice-sweetened treats
And flouride-free teeth
Here’s a pita chip
And organic rice-cheese dip
Everywhere it tastes like shit
Old MacDonald had farm.
B-P-E, I Am.
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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they birthed their child in such a better way than you, which is why your child will fail at everything they will ever do.

But not really. All your children will grow up to hate you by the time they are teenagers, whether they were expelled into a birthing tub surrounded by scented soy candles and dolphin-brained midwives, or ripped out in a morphine-soaked haze from your sliced-open abdomen like a bag of Butterball turkey giblets. But don’t tell that to the Best Parent Ever, who will insist their childbirth technique (so often free of medication, epidurals, and even medical professionals) was the best thing they could have ever done for their future prodigies.

So take that, MacDuff, “from his mother’s womb untimely ripped.” You may have killed MacBeth in a Caesarean-enriched rage, but Jesus is better than you, and so is the Best Parent Ever. Not only does the Best Parent Ever shamelessly boast about their natural childbirth experiences, but they are more adept at trawling Wikipedia for Shakespeare references like the one above. And that doth be why they be most bett’r than thou.

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