Funny Moment - Quotes, Videos, Jokes, Games

King's Island

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:46:00 +0000

Get the quarterback!

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 23:05:00 +0000

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was,’Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’

I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!

Funny moment greatest quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 23:00:00 +0000

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
-- Demetri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
-- Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
-- Demetri Martin

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
-- Bill Cosby

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
-- Dave Allen

We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A clock.
-- Dave Allen

I backed a horse today at 20:1. It came in at twenty past four.
-- Tommy Cooper

I'm not saying the wife's ugly, but last christmas she stood under the mistle toe waiting for someone to kiss and she was still there at lent. In fact she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
-- Les Dawson

Funny Moment quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 22:56:00 +0000

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
--------Michael L.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
---------Wendell Johnson

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
--------Weinberg

The funniest stories you ever herd

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Sun, 17 May 2009 16:25:00 +0000

IT’S THE BUTCHER!
An old woman was lonely. She decided to get a pet. She didn’t have much money so she went to a second hand pet shop.
She saw many animals: a three legged cat, a dog without a tail, fish that could only swim backwards and a beautiful bird that could only say one thing, “Who is it?”. She decided to buy the bird. She bought a cage for her bird and went home. She put the bird by the door and went downtown to do some shopping.
While she was gone, a man knocked on the door.
“Who is it?” replied the parrot.
“It’s the butcher,” he said.
“Who is it?”, repeated the bird.
“It’s the butcher,” said the man.
“Who is it?” asked the parrot.
“It’s the butcher!!,”, said the man angrily.
“Who is it?” “It’s the butcher!!!!”, he screamed.
“Who is it?” “It’s the butcher, the butcher, the butch...”
Suddenly the butcher fell to the floor. He had had a heart attack.

Later that day, the old woman came home and found the man laying on her doorstep. She opened her door and asked the parrot, “Who is it?” . The parrot replied,

“It’s the butcher!”.

The Dog
Linda Robinson was very thirsty so she went into a cafe. There was an old woman in the cafe. She was sitting near the door at a table. At her feet, under the table, there was a small dog.
Linda bought a glass of lemonade and some cookies. She sat down at the table next to the old woman. The old woman sat quietly. She looked lonely. Linda decided to be kind and talk to the old woman.
“It is very hot today.” she said.
“Yes, but it is nice inside here.” replied the old woman.
Linda looked at the dog and asked, “Does your dog like people.”
The woman answered, “Oh! Yes! She loves people.”
Linda wanted to give the dog a cookie. So she asked, “ Does your dog like cookies?”
“They are his favourite food.” said the old lady.
Linda was terribly afraid of dogs so she asked, “Does your dog bite?”
The old woman smiled and said, “ NO! My dog is very tame. She is even afraid of cats!”
Linda took a cookie in her hand and reached under the table. She put it near the dog’s mouth. But the dog didn’t bite the cookie, she bit her hand! Linda jumped up, spilling her lemonade. She screamed, “I thought you said, your dog didn’t bite.”
The old woman looked at Linda and then at the dog. Then she said,
“THAT’S NOT MY DOG!”

THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT

A woman needed to buy her mother a birthday present. She didn’t know what to buy her mother. She only had one day to buy her mother something.
So she went out window shopping. Soon enough, she walked by a pet store window. She thought to herself, “What a lovely idea for a present! My mother is so lonely and she needs a pet.”
The woman went into the store and saw many wonderful animals. Puppy dogs, fluffy cats, gold fish, cute mice. But the woman didn’t think these were special enough. She asked the manager if he had a pet that was really special.
The manager thought for a moment and replied, “Yes, but it costs a lot of money. $5,000”
“I have a parrot that can speak 7 languages, Chinese, English, French, Korean, German, Russian and even Hindi!”
The woman said, “Perfect” and bought the bird. She sent it by special delivery to her mother, so she would get it the next day.
The next evening after work, the woman called her mother. She asked, “How do you like your birthday present.”
Her mother replied, “Thank you, IT’S DELICIOUS!”

The Salesman
Henry Leech was a salesman. He was a good salesman and sold lots of vacuum cleaners. One week, the manager sent Henry into the countryside to sell.
He drove out of town and stopped at a farmhouse. He knocked on the door and the farmer’s wife opened it. Henry started into his speech immediately.
“Mam, how much time do you spend sweeping the floors? “
“A lot of time. This is a farm and things get dirty quickly.” said the woman.
“And how much time do you spend beating the carpets?” asked Henry.
“A lot of time. This house gets dusty and my dog also lays on them”
“Well” said Henry, “This is your lucky day.”
Henry showed her his vacuum cleaner and said,
“You can clean the house in 5 minutes with this!”
The farmer’s wife didn’t look interested.
Henry took out a big bag of dirt. He opened it and threw it all over the floor. The farmer’s wife was very surprised. Before she could speak Henry said, “ Mam, if this machine doesn’t pick up every last piece of dirt, I will eat all of it!!!!!”
The farmer’s wife looked at Henry and said,
“WELL, I WILL GET YOU A SPOON. WE HAVE NO ELECTRICITY.”

The Genie
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a German were travelling in a boat from France to Australia. Unfortunately, the boat sank but the three men swam to a small island.
There was nobody on the island and the men waited for two months. No boat came to rescue them. They were very unhappy.
“We will have to live here forever.” said the Englishman
“ We will have to eat bananas every day.” said the German
“We will never see our families again.” said the Frenchman.
One day, while walking along the beach, they found a bottle. They opened the bottle and out came a genie. The genie said, “Thank you for letting me out of the bottle. I was inside for 500 years! Now I am free. I will give you each one wish.”
The German said, “I want to be back in German at a soccer game. With a beer and sausage and singing songs in the stadium.”
“POOF”, “Your wish is granted” said the genie. The German was back in Germany.
The Frenchman said, “I want to be at the dinner table with my family in France, eating cheese, drinking wine.”
“POOF”, “Your wish is granted” said the genie. The Frenchman was back in France.
The Englishman just looked at the genie. The genie said, “Hurry up! I want to enjoy my freedom.”
The Englishman thought for a moment and said, “I am rather lonely here. Can you bring back my two friends?”
“Poof”, the German and the Frenchman were back on the island.

The Architect
One Sunday, an architect visited Seoul, Korea. He was there for a conference but had all Sunday to explore the city. He decided to take a taxi around the city and see lots of sites.
He paid the taxi driver $100 and said, “Take me around Seoul and show me all the sites”
The taxi driver was very happy for the business and started driving. Immediately, they saw a big, beautiful palace.
The architect said in a loud voice (for he was from Texas). “What is the building?”
The taxi driver said, “That is Gyeongbokgung. It took almost 20 years to build!
“Ah, that’s nothing” replied the American. “We could build that in a year in America.
The driver continued driving. Suddenly the Texan saw a large domed building. He asked, “What building is that?” The taxi driver said, “That is the National Assembly, it is the largest in Asia.”
The architect replied, “Ah, that’s nothing. Back home, we could build that in a few weeks!”
The taxi driver continued driving. They passed a very high, gold building which shimmered in the sun. The architect jumped up in his seat and screamed, “Oh my god! What building is that?”
The taxi driver looked back at him and shook his head.
He said, “I DON’T KNOW. IT WASN’T THERE THIS MORNING!”

The Suicides
An American, A Frenchman and a Korean were working on a skyscraper being built in Seoul. They worked hard all morning. When it was lunch, they took the elevator up to the top of the very high building and sat on the edge eating their lunches.
The American opened his lunch box and said, “Damn! Peanut butter and jam sandwiches again! If I get peanut butter and jam again, I’m gonna jump off this building.”
The Frenchman opened up his lunch. “Mon Dieu! Cheese sandwiches again! If I get cheese sandwiches again, I’m gonna jump off this building.”
The Korean opened up his lunch box. “Shxxxxx! Kimchee. If I get kimchee again for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”
The next day, the 3 men did the same thing. They worked hard all morning and then went up to the top of the building, sat on the edge and began to eat lunch.
The Korean looked in his lunch box first. “Shexxxx! Kimchee!” He stood up and jumped off the building.
The American looked in his lunch box. “Damn! Peanut butter and jam!” He stood up and jumped off the building.
The Frenchman looked in his lunch box. “Merde! Cheese sandwiches!” He stood up and jumped off the building.
The next day, the newspapers were full of stories about the 3 construction workers who killed themselves. Everyone wondered why? Even the police had no answers.
A few days later at the funeral for the men, the 3 wives were talking. The Korean’s wife said, “I don’t understand. He loved kimchee and always asked me for it.”The American’s wife said, “I don’t understand either. He loved peanut butter since he was a young boy.” The Frenchman’s wife said, “I don’t understand either. HE MADE HIS OWN LUNCH EVERYDAY!
Scottish Student
A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, was living in the hall of residence during his first year.

After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "They're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop.

The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!"

"Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"

Navajo woman
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
Jamaican Sandals
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop! "

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?

"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. . . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! N0000000000000000

The Lawyer and the Lexus

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

The Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Strange but true (supposedly)
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and pulled the trigger again. This time it worked.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.
Too drunk to drive

A man goes to a party in Memphis, and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.

Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

Damn Dog

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Easter dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family, and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve hersel! f a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she ! didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit "Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

Satan Pays a Visit

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and fumed, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years!"

Jerves, the Butler
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Live Longer

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor.
"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have, seem like forever."

Three Travellers at the Farmhouse.
Three men were travelling in rural America when their car came to grief, whereupon they sought shelter at the nearest farmhouse.

The farmer had two spare beds, and, of course, his daughters's, but since he had heard all of those stories he informed the men that one of them would have to sleep in the barn. One of them, a very polite Hindu mathematician, immediately volunteered and went out to the barn. A short time later there was a knock on the door, and, sure enough, there was the Hindu, very apologetically explaining that there were cows in the barn, and because of his religious convictions, he didn't think he could remain there.

A second man, a conservative rabbi, now volunteered and went. But a short time later, there was a knock on the door. Sure enough, he too was back, explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he too would be quite uncomfortable out there.

Whereupon the third man, a practicing lawyer, agreeably proceeded out to the barn.

In a little while, there was a knock on the door. And when they went to answer it, sure enough, there were the cows and the pig.

The Flat Tire
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UV (University of Virginia) and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about morality and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
95 POINTS. WHICH TIRE?

Fish Tale
It was a cold winter day when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line.

It only took about a minute and WHAM!, a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" To which the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" The old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look" said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

A Little Supper Joke

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

THE SHOPKEEPER

Once there was a Korean shopkeeper named Mr. Park. He lived in New York and had had a small corner store for 45 years. He worked very hard, 16 hours every day and he never took a holiday.

One day, his daughter arrived at the store and found Mr. Park lying on the floor. He had had a heart attack! She called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital.

He survived and was very weak, resting in the hospital. A day later he awoke and slowly looked around his hospital room.

He asked in a weak voice, “Are you there, my dear wife?”

“Yes,” she replied “I am here my dearest.”

Mr. Park asked, “Are you here, my oldest son?”

“Yes, I am here.” replied his oldest son.

“Are you here, my daughter?” Mr. Park asked in a faint voice.

“Yes, father, I am here.” the daughter replied with a tear in her eye.

“Are you here, my youngest son?” asked Mr. Park.

“Yes, papa. I am here by your side.” said the baby of the family.

Suddenly Mr. Park’s eyes grew big and threw off the bed covers and jumped up, screaming,

“SO THEN, WHO IS WATCHING THE STORE!”

STEVIE WONDER

One day, Stevie Wonder (the blind singer), came to Toronto to perform. He was taken to his hotel room. He decided to take a nap but didn’t like the sheets, he wanted silk sheets. Rather than bother the hotel staff, he decided to go buy some himself.

He asked his personal manager if there was a store nearby where he could buy silk sheets. The manager replied, “Yes, there is a big department store. It is called, Canadian Tire. I can go buy you some.”

Stevie Wonder didn’t want to bother his manager. He said, “Just take me there, I can get them. I want the right kind.”

So the manager took Stevie Wonder to the car and they drove to Canadian Tire. Upon arriving, Stevie Wonder got out of the car and his manager tried to help him. Stevie Wonder said, “Let me go alone, I can do it by myself.”

Stevie Wonder went into the department store and went to the back. All the staff was looking at him, whispering and pointing. “Oh my god! It is Stevie Wonder!”

Stevie Wonder was feeling around and things were crashing to the floor, everything was falling everywhere as he searched. The store manager went to his employees and said, “Someone quick, go help Mr. Wonder!”

A young teenager said , “I will”. He went to the back of the store where Stevie Wonder was busy crashing things to the floor and searching blindly. The young clerk tapped Stevie Wonder on the shoulder and asked, “May I help you Mr. Wonder? “

Stevie Wonder turned around, shook his head and said,

“NO, I’M JUST LOOKING”

The Spy

Nigel Cavendish was a famous British spy. For over 20 years he went on important missions and stole important secrets from countries all over the world.

However, his luck ran out. One day, he was captured by the Russian government. The British government said they didn’t know anything about him. He was taken to court and sentenced to death by firing squad.

On the day of his execution the weather was terrible. It was raining cats and dogs and there was a cold north wind blowing fiercely.

The guards came to his prison cell and led him outside. They walked in the pouring, cold rain for almost half a kilometre. It was muddy, they were soaked and freezing to death.

They put Nigel up against the wall and lined up to shoot him. They asked him if he had any last words to say.

Nigel said, “What horrible men you are – to bring me out to be shot on such a horrible day.”

One soldier looked up at the dark sky and said,

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT! WE HAVE TO WALK BACK!”

The Lion

One day a lion was walking through the jungle. He was young and very proud. He met a snake and said, “Who is the king of the jungle?”

The snake said, “You are.” It did not make the lion angry and he smiled.

Thirty metres later, he met a monkey and asked, “Monkey, Who is the king of the jungle?”

The monkey said quickly, “You are.” The lion smiled and continued on his way.

Next, the lion met a crocodile. He stopped and asked the crocodile, “Who is the king of the jungle?” The crocodile didn’t answer so the lion roared very loudly. “WHO IS THE KING OF THE JUNGLE?” The crocodile answered quickly, “You are.” The lion was satisfied and said, “Next time, answer quickly or I will eat you!”

Finally, the lion met an elephant. He stopped, looked angrily at the elephant and asked, “Elephant, who is king of the jungle?”

The elephant picked up the lion with his trunk and dropped him to the ground. The elephant kicked the lion and then jumped on top of him.

The lion was very surprised and hurt. He got up, shook the dirt off and shouted,

“YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET ANGRY JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER!”

PICASSO (A True Story)

One day, a famous art collector was having a party. He had many famous paintings on his walls. He saw one man studying his favourite painting which was above his fireplace. He said to the man, “This is a real Picasso.”.

The man shook his head. He said, “I am an art expert. This definitely isn’t a real Picasso. It is a fake.” The art collector was shocked.

He called up his agent and asked to have a personal appointment with Picasso. The meeting was arranged and he flew to Paris. He went directly to Picasso’s studio and after climbing the stairs, knocked on the door. Picasso shouted, “Come in!”. Picasso was busy painting a large painting. He quickly looked over his shoulder and asked, “What is it? I’m busy.”

The art collector said, “Mr. Picasso I only have one quick question. Can you please look at this painting and tell me if it is a fake?”

Picasso looked over his shoulder at it and quickly snapped, “It is a fake”. The collector thanked Picasso and left.

One year later, the collector returned to Picasso’s studio. He walked up the stairs and knocked on the door. Picasso was busy painting and he angrily asked, “What is it?!”

The art collector said, “Picasso, sorry to interrupt but I have just one question. Can you look at this painting and tell me if it is a fake?” Picasso looked over his shoulder and quickly replied, “It is a fake!”

The man was shocked, he said, “It can’t be! I was here last year and saw you, yourself, painting this very painting!”

Picasso turned around and said,

“Sometimes I paint fakes.”

Funny Facts About Old Men and Women

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Sun, 17 May 2009 16:16:00 +0000

Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?

A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'

Tips for a great Superbowl party

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Sun, 17 May 2009 16:06:00 +0000

10. Don’t bring up Satan, or support your ideas on defensive strategies with rationale from your cult. It’ll come off preachy.

9. Football fans love two things: hot wings and ethnic slurs. Distribute both liberally.

8. Don’t say, “If Ben was a Roethlis-burger, you know I’d put on it? Hines Ketchup. And semen.

7. When the Steelers score, don’t yell “you know what they’re stealing? My heart!”

6. You know what? F those guys. Talk about Satan. If they can’t handle the truth it’s their loss.

5. Arrange your appetizers into swastikas.

4. Get some good beer and stock the fridge nice and full. Go a little overboard because you never know how many friends of friends will show up. And don’t stop talking about Cybill Shepherd.

3. Don’t stop believin’.

2. You know all of those terrible secrets you’ve been keeping to yourself? Now’s the time. Let them go.

1. Formal attire!

Dead bodies having sex

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Sun, 10 May 2009 22:39:00 +0000

A new exhibition featuring preserved dead bodies having sex opened in Berlin on Thursday with critics saying a maverick German anatomist dubbed "Doctor Death" has gone too far this time.

The couple, part of Gunther von Hagens's exhibition "The Cycle of Life", is the "low point in his tastelessness", Michael Braun, culture expert from the conservative CDU party, told AFP.

Von Hagens said his copulating couples show the sexual act in "bracing clarity".

The exhibits, of four "consenting donors", are in a separate room accessible only to over-16s.

One couple, because of the process used, "is reminiscent of magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), as well as Leonardo da Vinci's anatomical drawing, 'Coition of a Hemisected Man and Woman (1492)'," he said in a statement.

The exhibition "offers a deep understanding of the human body, the biology of reproduction, and the nature of sexuality".

The dead bodies are plasticised, a process invented by Von Hagens involving skinning bodies to display the naked muscles, nerves and tendons underneath, and preserving them with a synthetic resin.

Van Hagens is no stranger to controversy and his many critics accuse him of deliberately shocking people in order to gain publicity, rather than furthering science as he claims.

In 2002 he conducted Britain's first public autopsy in 170 years despite the risk of arrest.

Three years ago he opened a factory-cum-museum in eastern Germany manufacturing "plastinated" sections of cadavers to supply researchers and medical students and charging visitors to watch the process.

"I am firmly convinced that he just breaks taboos again and again in order to make money," Kai Wegner, another CDU lawmaker, told AFP. "It is not about medicine or scientific progress. It is marketing and money-making pure and simple."

It appears to work, with Von Hagens's touring "Body Worlds" exhibition drawing millions of visitors around the world

Signs Your Divorce Isn't Going Well:

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Wed, 06 May 2009 13:02:00 +0000

Since his recent divorce, your lawyer has been using his car for an office.
Your spouse's lawyer has suddenly taken to lighting his cigarettes with twenties.
The judge is seriously considering your spouse's request for custody of your immortal soul.
Your spouse's attorney is seeking the death penalty.
Your husband has been granted temporary custody of one of your implants.
Your mother's name appears on your wife's witness list.
Given the choice, your penis opts to live with her.
Your portion of the settlement so far: The Commodore 64, the Chia pets and the Wham! CD collection.
Jerry Springer cancelled your appearance, citing "Safety Concerns."
You discover that Judge Jacques' last name is actually *not* pronounced "Jack-ass."
In her search for hidden assets, your wife hires a proctologist.
Your half of the dog arrives postage due.
Johnnie Cochran's closing argument: "If dad goes gay, he's got to pay!"
During the pre-trial conference, the judge brings your wife to orgasm with his toe under the conference table.

FUnny Women's T-shirt Slogans

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Wed, 06 May 2009 12:24:00 +0000

I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is ...
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You won't win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear.

Funny Advices for old people

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Wed, 06 May 2009 00:06:00 +0000

Retirement Planning Advice If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

“As you grow old, you lose interest in sex, your friends drift away and your children often ignore you. There are other advantages of course, but these are the outstanding ones.”

"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles."

Warning! - NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
"These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something... then wonder what I'm here after."

The only two things we do with greater frequency when we get older is urinate and attend funerals.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos?
The Golden years are here at last.
I cannot see, I cannot pee.
I cannot chew, I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks.
No sense of smell, I look like hell.
The Golden years have come at last.
The Golden years can kiss my ass.
Why do they give you a watch when you retire
when it's the first time in your life you don't care what time it is?

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam."

"I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all!"
"You know you're getting old when..
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.
"Your mind not only wanders. Sometimes it leaves completely."
All the names in your black book have M.D. after them."
"Getting a little action" means I don't need fiber today"
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
My teeth are my own. I have the receipt.
The candles cost more than the cake.
Your back goes out more than you!

Employment applications always ask who to notify in case
of an emergency. I think you should write 'A Good Doctor' or '911'

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

Old age comes at a bad time.
Here are some good things that happen as you grow older
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off!
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them, either!!
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Things you buy now don't have time to wear out.

What children think of love

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Tue, 05 May 2009 23:56:00 +0000

When a group of 4 to 8 year-olds where asked the question, "What does love mean?", the answers were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think...

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.
Billy - age 4

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
Karl - age 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissy - age 6

Love is what makes you smile when you''re tired.
Terri - age 4

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
Danny - age 7

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
Emily - age 8

Love is what''s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
Bobby - age 7

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
Nikka - age 6

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.
Noelle - age 7

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
Tommy - age 6

My mommy loves me more than anybody .You don''t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
Clare - age 6

Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.
Elaine-age 5

Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.
Chris - age 7

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
Mary Ann - age 4

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.
Lauren - age 4

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
Karen - age 7

You really shouldn''t say ''I love you'' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Jessica - age 8

Why I Hate women

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Tue, 05 May 2009 23:51:00 +0000

If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk.
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don''t, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don''t, you are good for nothing
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn''t respect her
If you don''t, she thinks you do not like her
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don''t, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don''t, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it''s bad
If you don''t, she thinks you do not love her
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don''t, you are not understanding
If you are a minute late, she complains it''s hard to wait
If she is late, she says that''s a girl''s way
If you visit another man, you''re not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it''s natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it''s just one of men''s tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

Funny questions about childbirth

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Tue, 05 May 2009 23:48:00 +0000

Question: I''m two months pregnant. When will the baby move?
Answer: If you''re lucky, it''ll be just after he finishes college.

Question: Is it ok to have children after 35?
Answer: No! 35 children is plenty.

Question: As my pregnancy progesses, more and more people smile at me. Why?
Answer: Because you''re fatter than they are.

Question: I learnt in the pre-natal classes that it''s not pain that I''ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is this correct?
Answer: Yes, in the same way that you might describe a tornado as an air current.

Question: I want to know the sex of my baby. What is the most reliable way of finding out?
Answer: Childbirth.

What''s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
Answer: Nothing (if the pregnant woman''s husband knows what''s good for him).

Question: How long is the average time for labor?
Answer: Whatever the mother says, divided by two.

Question: After my baby is born, is there anything I should seek to avoid?
Answer: Yes -- pregnancy.

Another Childbirth Joke....
A little girl was writing a report for school on childbirth, and so started to ask her parents questions about how she was born.

"Well..." said the girl''s mother, slighly embarassed - "the stork delivered you to the cabbage patch at the bottom of the garden."

"Oh," said the girl. "Well... how about you and daddy -- how did you get born?"

"Oh, well, the stork brought us too."

The little girl continued with her questions.... "How were grandpa and grandma born?"

"Well honey", said the mother, "the stork brought them too!".

The next day the girl went off to school and handed in the report to her teacher, who started to read the first few lines...

"This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn''t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

A few thoughts about getting married

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Tue, 05 May 2009 23:43:00 +0000

I''ve sometimes thought about marrying... and then I''ve thought again.
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don''t know, I''m still paying."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can''t face each other, but still they stay together.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ''Y'' becomes silent.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
If you want your wife to listen carefully to everything you say, try talking in your sleep.
If marriage was outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Funny Irony qoutes

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Tue, 05 May 2009 12:12:00 +0000

What a nice night for an evening.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.

Prejudiced people are all alike.

Those who judge others will burn in Hell!

Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

There's no such thing as nonexistence.

Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.

As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.

Avoid cliches like the plague.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

I always try to do things in chronological order.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Death to all fanatics!

An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Don't chew [or eat] with your mouth full.

It's deja vu all over again.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

I always wanted to be a procrastinator!

Rehab is for quitters!

Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.

Some people type so fast that forget to include

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

Free advice is worth what you paid for it.

Entropy just isn't what it used to be.

I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.

Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous.

He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.

I disagree with unanimity.

I have my doubts about disbelief.

Avoid Alliteration. Always.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator... never got around to it.

Freedom of speech is overrated.

APOLOGY TO THE PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF CHINA

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:13:00 +0000

It is with deep regret, hesitation, and contrition that I, The President of the United States of America, offer apology to the Chinese nation and its peoples.
I apologize for the heinous act performed by our large, sluggish, propeller driven, airplane when it got in the way of your highly maneuverable, supersonic, technologically superior, jet aircraft. Furthermore, I sincerely regret the fact that by flying in international airspace, we afforded your "highly competent" pilot the opportunity to fly his aircraft into our own, causing him to spiral to his death into the ocean. We regret the choice made by said pilot when he used deficient
judgment in electing to attempt aerial intimidation upon our slower moving, unarmed, surveillance vehicle. This situation brings to mind a similar episode when I was in grade school and my face got in the way of the school yard bully's fist. He broke
a bone in his hand and I felt as compelled to apologize for that incident as I do for this one. Let me summarize by stating that it is our sincere hope that you accept
this "heart felt" and "sincere" apology for the actions committed by your pilot. We are sorry that we got in the way. We are sorry that we were forced to leave international airspace and land in Chinese territory. We are sorry that you were forced to provide food and housing for our military personnel.
Most of all, we are sorry that you have, in your possession, some of our most technologically advanced surveillance equipment on the planet.
I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive us. I hope that soon you will be compelled to release our men and our property. Because I really don't want to have to apologize again when we have to kick your ass.
Sincerely,
Barack Obama
President of the United States

NEVER BUNJEE IN MEXICO

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:08:00 +0000

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "you know, we
could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in
Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and
buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
Constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there
was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a
demonstration.

So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back
up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately,
Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and
comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe
misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes
back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious.

Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the
Cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord
was fine. It was the crowd. And by the way...

WHAT THE HECK IS A PINATA?!"

Funniest status quotes

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:57:00 +0000

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes...

Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS

Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can

If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get
the heck out!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Forget about World Peace... visualize using your turn signal.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Born free... taxed to death.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!

Don't blame me! I didn't vote!

Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want
to be seen with em!

If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.

My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!

Honk if you have had sex with Clinton.

Hang Up And Drive!

If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!

This car is not abandoned!

I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

"KEEP HONKING"... I'M RELOADING

Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often

If your cute, single, and rich, HONK!

Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.

WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.

Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.

My wife's other car is a broom.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle
them with bullshit.

Constipated people don't give a shit.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a
little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my butt.

I'm out of bed and dressed... What more do you want.

I don't have an attitude problem... You have a perception problem.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming
in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Zero to bitch in 10 seconds

I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!

Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I'm in the pits!

Can't sleep, clown will eat me; Can't sleep, clown will eat me...

Student Driver-Get the hell out of my way!

HONK! If Monica Lewinsky blew you!

Barney sucks.

If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.

I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.

I just want revenge. Is that so bad?

I'm smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

My other ride is your MOTHER!!

Practicing Safe Sex? Give yourself a hand!

CAUTION: I drive like you do!

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're insane.

Rehab is for quitters

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I just let him sleep.

No radio - already stolen

IRS: We've got what it takes, to take what you've got.

Some people are only alive because its illegal to kill.

Horn Broken, watch for finger.

I brake for no apparent reason.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about world peace, visualise using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, now how about a fountain of smart?

He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.

It IS as bad as you think, they ARE out to get you.

Out of my mind - back in 15 minutes.

WARNING: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

I subport publik edjekashun

Be nice to your kids, someday they will chose your nursing home.

All men are idiots, I married their king.

We are the people our parents warned us about

Sex Tutor: First Lesson Free

Normal People Worry Me

Damn, Im real drunk and you're still REAL ugly

My Other Car is a Piece of Shit Too.

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me!

I'm Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name...

Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

"Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point."

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

Thank You For Smoking Pot.

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look
Like Jabba The Hut?

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is
Lost?

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

Watch out for the idiot beside me

I've lost my virginity but I've still got the box it came in.

Rehab Is for Quitters.

My Dog Can Lick Anyone.

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts: Do You Want Fries With That?

DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music.

MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

The Meek shall inherit the earth...after we're through w/ it.

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.

The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF

OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!

GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES

And last but not least:

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

Emoticons for men - Something other than smiley faces

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:46:00 +0000

(o)(o) Perfect breasts

( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) High nipple breasts

(@)(@) Big nipple breasts

oo A cups

{ O }{ O } D cups

(oYo) Wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts

(o)(O) Lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) Pierced breasts

(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) Flat against the shower door breasts

|o||o| Android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

NEWS FLASH!

Scientists at MIT (Mammary Institute of Technology) have discovered a new force, quite possibly the most powerful yet. Researchers have dubbed this new force "breast gravity." It is the nearly irresistible force that draws men's eyes down to women's breasts.

"The idea came to me out of the blue," says team leader Frank Leerer. "I was walking along the beach with a colleague of mine, and we saw a woman in a string bikini. 'Check out the globes on her!' he said. That's when the idea hit me like a brick house."

Theorists have been working around the clock to explain the biophysical mechanism behind the phenomenon. It is believed that like the other fundamental forces of the universe, breast gravity is mediated by an elementary particle. MIT scientists have named this theoretical particle the "boobon."

Many aspects of the new force have now been determined empirically. It is known that breast gravity grows exponentially with breast size. Also, experimentalists think that many materials must absorb boobons, because layers of clothing can significantly decrease the force. (A large parka can sometimes nullify the effect completely.)

Still, there are mysteries yet to be solved. For example, why are almost all men's eyes affected, but only a small fraction of women's? How can it be that the force is transmitted even through televised and printed images of breasts?

Scientists everywhere are looking into it.

Lion gives rescuer a big thank-you kiss

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 16:34:00 +0000

A COLOMBIAN woman who rescued a lion from abuse in a travelling circus has received a big thank-you kiss. Ana Julia Torres fed and nursed Jupiter back to health and has formed a friendship with the big cat - one of 700 neglected animals she cares for at a shelter in Cali, The Sun reported.

"It was an amazing to see an animal that size acting so affectionately," an onlooker said.

Anonymous millionaire employs New York matchmaker Janis Spindel to find him a wife

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 16:32:00 +0000

HOPING to prove money can buy love, a self-made millionaire has employed a matchmaker to find him a wife.

The bachelor, who is 44 and drives an American-made car, wants a family and is keeping his name secret until love comes knocking, the Detroit Free Press reports.

He has hired Janis Spindel, a New York matchmaker with 867 marriages to her credit.

Ms Spindel, whose fee starts at about $50,000, is heading to Detroit next week, "tearing the town apart until I find a wife for a really, really handsome, awesome man".

"He ... has obviously been working like a madman and looking for love in all the wrong places," Ms Spindel says. "He's had a billion horrific blind dates."

And so just what is this man of money looking for in a potential partner?

Ms Spindel says women need to be at least 165cm tall and have the "four Bs" - beauty, brains, a good, healthy body and a balanced life.

Interested women can apply at Ms Spindel's website: www.janisspindelmatchmaker.com

If the application is accepted, bidders will be charged $US25 and next face a phone screening.

The short-listed candidates will meet with Ms Spindel after parting with another $US50.

And finally candidates will have the opportunity to meet this man of mystery.

Live shark left outside newspaper office

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 16:28:00 +0000

A LIVE shark dumped on the doorstep of a country newspaper office has local police puzzled, with authorities vowing to charge the person who left it with animal cruelty. The juvenile Port Jackson shark, which measured around 70cm, was left in darkness outside the office at Warrnambool, on the coast of southeast Victoria state.

"We arrived and poured some water on it just to see if it was still breathing and it kicked around for a little while," Constable Jarrod Dwyer said.

"I walked over to McDonald's and borrowed a bucket off them and filled it up with water, and we picked the shark up and put it inside it and then drove it down to the breakwater and released it back into the water."

Port Jackson sharks can grow up to 1.6m and typically feed on crustaceans, sea urchins, and fish.

They are nocturnal and common across Australia's southeast coast.

Constable Dwyer said the newspaper was unaware why anyone would leave a shark to die outside.

"They had no ideas of any person that wished them any harm or wished to send them any type of message, so we're a little dumbfounded," he said.

Sir Richard Branson takes nude Denni Parkinson for a ride

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 16:26:00 +0000

SIR Richard Branson is expected to come in for some criticism after posing in a photo shoot with a naked model - while his children were reportedly watching.
An avid kite-surfer, Sir Richard agreed to add some thrills to his spills after a photographer suggested his girlfriend might enjoy a ride in the buff.

"What can you say if you are asked to pose with a naked lady?" Sir Richard told The Mail.

"I only wish I had eyes in the back of my head."

Sir Richard’s children, Sam and Holly, reportedly watched on from the beach.

The model in question, Denni Parkinson, also posed naked with Sir Richard in other shots taken on and around his private Caribbean island, Necker.

Smile wiped off happy cabbie's face

noreply@blogger.com (Autorul) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 16:19:00 +0000

GRUMPY taxi inspectors have ordered a popular "Happy Cab" to be stripped of all its cheery adornments.

The Victorian Taxi Directorate has ordered cabbie Linda Jenkins to remove all the smiley stickers, toys and decorations from her car by Friday.

“They want to turn my wonderful taxi into the unhappy cab and I just don’t understand that,” Ms Jenkins said, who drives in the Frankston area, south of Melbourne, the Frankston Leader reports.

The 57-year-old has been cheering up passengers with her unusual taxi for six years.

“I began with a few smiley-face stickers and people liked them, so I added more and more. I have them inside and outside,” Ms Jenkins said.

“Then passengers began calling it the happy cab and gave me little cuddly animals to put in the car. I then got `happy cab’’ written on the car.

“Everyone loves it. I do night shifts as well and the teenagers think it’s great. I never get any hassle from them.

“I deliver a good service and I cheer people up. Why would the directorate want me to stop that, especially in these times when people have financial worries and so on?

“Do they just want us all to be miserable?’’

The Victorian Taxi Directorate said it applauds taxi drivers who “go that extra step to make the whole taxi journey a great experience”.

“However, the Government’s job is to maintain high standards of safety, cleanliness and appearance in all cabs across Victoria,’’ general manager Lisa McDonald said.

"It is important that passengers can clearly see vital in-cab information such as the taxi fares and the Victorian Taxi Directorate’s feedback hotline number.’’