BESTIMATE

This above all: to thine own self be true

2012-09-20T20:58:00.001+01:00

Not really sure why it's taken 3 months to write the next Bestimate piece. Maybe The Moon has come into alignment with Dalston or there's been an increased density of cosmic rays in Hackney or something. I'd like to think it's because me and Dre have something in common and we just release incredible material really irregularly. Yeh that's prolly it.

Mate, did everyone see the most recent episode of Breaking Bad? Shit the bed man.

It certainly isn't because iPat and I have been up to our neck in Doves, it's a good job we're not a charity or anything because we'd have one heck of a lot of bad karma to make up for. That's on top of the fact I'm indirectly responsible for the death of two mice. To be fair they were trespassing in our bread, but I didn't know the cat would deal with them so swiftly and brutally. I'd never held a cat in such high regard until that day. Gustav, I may be allergic to you and I may not like you, but God do I respect you.

Mate, how good was the Olympics?

We have got a few mountain bikes in the pipeline for the full DD treatment though. Nope, not breast enlargements. I'm talking paint jobs, single speediness, skinny wheels and the lark. Mountain bikes aren't exactly our bread and butter but we did one the other day and it turned out alright innit.
And we sold a lovely Dawes tourer. And we've sold the Duke but someone hasn't picked her up yet. And I've got to rebuild a very special old bike for a very special young lady.
Shit, sorry for the dilapidation of of prose, I think it's coz I need the toilet and it's giving me a short attention span.

I'm gonna stop promising photos. It just never happens. I'll just photoshop one up of what I think iPat will look like in 10 years.

I'm in the wrong business man, swear to God.

Bless. Xx

I was on the Central line, you were on the Bakerloo

2012-06-22T16:48:00.001+01:00

To make a successful holiday trip, one must arrange a few elements. A destination is required, a length of stay, some pennies to spend and of course a more than dribbling desire to leave this piss-poor situation we call "British Summer".
Check, check, check and fackin' check.

Another basic necessity is the ability to book your flights on the dates you actually intend to go. Something that eluded me last Sunday, leading me to spend more on changing the flights than the flights cost originally. Sob story over? Sadly not.

It seems that when a car hire company sends you an email saying;
"You have £0.00 left to pay in the pick-up office"

What they actually mean is;
"You owe us £65 for petrol. Oh, and if you don't pay us a £500 deposit, it's actually mandatory to pay £35 for the super deluxe insurance"

So pay for the deluxe insurance I did and go way too fast over rocky tracks and reverse into a wall carelessly I did. Up yours Goldcar.

More pertinent news is that Patrick "Stop making up stupid nicknames for me or I'll push you under a train" McCarthy and I have finished 1 and nearly finished 2 more professionally painted, oh so smart, top bladdy notch, super duper, jolly handsome, Doves.
Mr James O'Riley of Greenwich is the proud owner of a British Racing Green Reynolds 12 Speed for a touring trip of the south of France this summer! The bike was a congratulatory present from his kind Father to mark the finishing of the GCSE's "that matter". Jolly well done to you mayne. When I finished my GCSE's, all I got were a group of seagulls eating the chips out of the vomit I'd produced on a caravan park in Newquay. Although I do recall being able to go out and party literally hours after that happened, so every cloud.
Photographs to follow. (Of the bike not, vomit)

I can however, show you a photo of a wonderful paint job we had done of the original Falcon Black Diamond! Remember that?
We've had it painted purple and it's smart as you like.

We're also nearing the end of another custom build which is gonna be a total stunner but I'll hold on until we've got proper photos of that all done because it's a bute.

The only thing left to say is COME ON ENGLAND!

Beano. Xx

Kick in the Door, Wave in the Four Four

2012-05-04T12:51:00.000+01:00

For Becky

Well it's pretty obvious what this post is all about isn't it?

www.DalstonDoves.co.uk is born of Galilee!

Like a religious icon from the now-hotly contested Palestine-Israel region, Dalston Doves has been thrust onto the bicycle scene like whales onto the Miocene. And the similarities don't end there... if Dalston Doves were indeed a genus of colossal marine mammals and not a 21st Century bike sales website, it would without question be the Biblicular equivalent of Jesus Christ the Redeemer himself! Correct, a marine mammal is indeed one of the parts of the holy trinity. Check the old testament yourself, you'll find it near the prophesy of Beelzebublé. And shit the bloody bed did that one come true. I've never seen evil like it.

On a serious note, Patrick "Between the Spreadsheets" McCarthy and I have some nice bikes for sale and some new ones in our greasy pipeline, just itching to slide out and announce themselves to you, the discerning global community. And while I'm on the subject of plugging and unplugging...

Check out my man C-Money's mucho increible garms at Bro! Clothing

Get loose with a dwarf and whatnot, Saturday 26th March at Ms Georgie Rogers' Cat Lovers night at the Queen of Hoxton

Hit 'em high with the big dawgs at Juicy this coming 12th of May in Islington

Get so deep and watch Mercury Fur starring Ciaran "Goddam" Owens, now showing in London's West End

Git yo' design on with big man Ash at Mrs Wilberforce

And if you're looking for an events company, talk to my sister Lucy Bear at Event Bears

That's it, if you want a nice bike, talk to me

Beano. Xx

Hotter than a Witch's Crotch

2012-04-16T18:49:00.002+01:00

6 Weeks have gone by. I'm a little older, a little wiser and I'm starting to grow hair in some really weird places.
Well the last part isn't true luckily... BUT I am starting to grow herbs in some really well ventilated places.
No shit. At Stamford Works we've planted a herb garden complete with "Lemon Thyme", "Rosemary Barbecue" and "Jalapeño Peppers". I'm fully aware Jalapeño Peppers aren't a herb but on the other hand I also have my doubts on the legitimacy of "Rosemary Barbecue", so let's not get too picky or we might just not water them enough and let them die of neglect completely purposefully like we did the last lot.

But enough of my horti-fucking-culturalism, we've got Doves to parade.

Numero Uno is Carrera Quattro Comp. A magnificent Single Speed, this has both a Reynolds 531 frame and forks. A total beast of a city beater, it's strong, light and brutal.

The second up is the Raleigh Aerospace Contour. A fresh Single Speed conversion, this has NEW wheels, NEW cranks, NEW saddle, in fact NEW everything except the beautiful frame which has been freshened up for a NEW lease of life.

This unidentified frame is a bit of an enigma in that it's silver and that's pretty much all we know about it. We DO know it's made from good stuff as it has a Reynolds 453 sticker on it's frame but apart from that, one year ago it could have been tricking on the mean streets of South Central L.A for all we know.

Patrick "Prime Number" McCarthy and I both agree that our bottoms have never felt so good as when we sit on this here bike. Seriously, the saddle feels like it was made for a Queen. We called Buckingham Palace to ask for confirmation on the veracity of these bold claims we found ourselves making but they couldn't help us. They did said they could send round Pippa Middleton so we could test it on her apple-bum and wished us the best of British luck.

Continuing the Aristocratic tone, right here we have "The Duke". This little stunner is British made by a company called Santana (Doesn't sound very British does it?). Yep, you guessed it, it's Single Speed and coming to a fox hunt near you.

Our website will also be ready very soon. Dalstondoves.co.uk is about to be set free.

Beano. Xx

2012-03-07T17:09:00.002+00:00

Dove Migration Season

2012-03-02T19:15:00.001+00:00

If the Dove workshop was the UK economy, we'd have just gone through quantitative easing 2.0.

There are more Doves waiting to be released at my house than at a Michael Jackson funeral. But that's where the likeness ends. Thankfully.

Patrick "If your name's not on the MENSA list, you're not coming in" McCarthy and I have one Saturday to get all 8 ready before he goes swanning off to Les Alps. I'm starting to think these 'impromptu' holidays aren't impromptu at all. Remember A Single (Bike) Mother's Lament? I bladdy well do too.

Here they all are, in all their 'pre-clipped' triumphant glory...

First one is a Raleigh Town Bike 12 speed.

Next is a Raleigh 18 Speed Limited Edition.

A Carrera Single Speed Competition.

An Eddie Merckx Single Speed.

A Silver Reynolds 453 12 Speed.

Yeh yeh I know that's only 5 but one of them is at Pat's house, one hasn't been picked up yet because the seller is being a bit of a doucher and also our photo studio got dismantled by an angry New Yorker before the last one could get shot.

But to make up for that, our new posh-as-grapes website will be up in a few days. Yes! www.dalstondoves.co.uk is hastily being completed to meet a bladdy silly deadline Pat and I shook on whilst drunk last Saturday. A boozy promise is still a promise.

Beano. Xx.

She Hate Me

2012-02-27T18:17:00.000+00:00

~ ~ ~

Today's post is in loving memory of the respective parts of Dom, Tash, Hadj and I that died last night when we watched the movie "She Hate Me".

~ ~ ~

One more Dove... SOLD!

That's right, common sense has prevailed once again and someone decided to buy a bike from us instead of putting a mouse in a dishwasher. When faced with this dilemma in your future, look no further for guidance than the fine example set by Monsieur Victor Gould. He has once again proved that animal abuse has no place in the life of today's modern man.

Here he is getting fitted out...

And here is the now obligatory head-through-the-frame happiness shot...

With 3 more frames now in the workshop, Patrick "Not Another Nocturnal Emission" McCarthy and I have some work to do. And after having discovered this tumblr, that work just got considerably harder.

Having said that, here's another specimen which is on sale for £200 of Her Majesty's Pounds. But someone's already got bladdy dibs on it innit. Is it? It is.

So it's back to the workshop for me. If you liked this instalment of Bestimate, please feel free to send a piece of hate mail to Spike Lee regarding his cinematic abomination "She Hate Me". Alternatively, if you have access to a dune buggy, I'd well love to have a go on it.

Beano. Xx.

"No no, you go ahead, I think I'll just stay here and lick the cat's butt."

2012-02-06T15:23:00.000+00:00

Last night my flatmates and I watched Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Such an enjoyable 3 hour epic that it can turn any grown man into a quivering mess. Gandalf on the bridge gets me every time man. (Those of you who went to St. George's, do you remember we used to call Mr Jones, that awful I.T teacher, Gandalf? "YOU SHALL NOT PASS..... your I.T exams")

So the reason I've mentioned this, is as midday crawls by, all I can think of is "In the 3 hours I've been sitting here idly at work, I could have completely jammed out watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers."
Apart from the fact Tash and Dom would be a bit vexed that I went ahead and watched it without them, it also would be a bit lazy considering we've got Doves to unleash. That's right, new Doves.

Patrick " http://www.increasebrainpower.com/einsteins-riddle.html " McCarthy kindly volunteered last week to pick up a new Raleigh on Saturday morning in Cuffley. It was made apparent to me in a phone call on that Saturday morning that he regretted the decision. When I picked up the phone half asleep he said "You sound like I feel." He also made up his own "colloquial" term for Cuffley which retains most of it's original letters but sadly replaces a couple with others I couldn't possible write on a family blog such as this. Suffice to say, he didn't want to go to Cuffley.
But pick up the Raleigh he did, and sold it already we have. (Dom and I are also 5 6th's of the way through the Star Wars series incidentally)

The most observant of you may have noticed by now that there are no pictures yet, and that's because, as the even more observant ones of you will have noticed, the main reason I'm writing this entry is because I'm bored out of my sodding skull.
But get some pictures you shall. Here are pictures of a sample of 8 of my top 100 favourite things in the world. One is a red herring, see if you can guess which one.

1. Wayne's World.

2. Sophie Marceau.

3. San Francisco.

4. NWA.

5. Curly Wurly.

6. Breaking Bad.

7. Shooting Stars.

8. Michael Buble.

Have a totally awesome day.

Beano. Xx

3 Doves Unleashed

2012-01-30T16:22:00.000+00:00

First of all, thanks to everyone who expressed themselves about the reclaimed scaffolding furniture. It's great to hear words of encouragement and style opinions alike. Even if they were in a ratio of about 1:99 respectively. Haha.
And congrats to Mr Auchincloss who noticed a little detail on the lounge coffee tables. Now I know how girls feel when they see people for the first time after a fresh haircut.
Also, cheers for the photomagraphs bruh.

But back to the nature at hand. Doves.

Patrick "P=Mc²" McCarthy and I have clipped the wings off 3 more doves! Things are really coming together, the parts we buy are actually the right size for the bikes now. The bikes themselves are in as much demand as Iranian nuclear physicists. And apart from a small set-back we had where Pat ordered a tool from Hong Kong over Chinese new year (considerable delay), we are cookin' with heat.

We've also picked up a real stunner of a new dove which we're in the process of stripping down for a complete overhaul. It's a 1980's Raleigh Aerospace Contour in Panasonic colours. It'll be a total bute. Watch out for a video on that process in the not so distant future.

ANYONE WANNA SEE SOME PHOTOGRAPHS?

So first up is the Free Spirit Cobra10GT. A truly wondrous machine, fully restored with new wheels, saddle, bar tape and full service you'd expect from the Bestimate boys.

Next up is a Dawes Horizon. This fine piece of engineering is British, hand built, has Reynolds 500 tubing, is light, fast, delightful and perhaps surprisingly has a lavender sort of aroma. As demonstrated by Pat below.

This, our first attempt at a hipster-mobile, was a Falcon Explorer 6 which has lost its clunky mud guards, rear pannier rack, half of its' over sized handlebars and now looks alright. It's Pat's favourite now, but don't tell his Coventry Eagle that.

And here's that nice Raleigh Frame I was harping on about earlier. I won't bore you any more. It is well nice though.

That'll just about do it for this time. I wanna give a big shout out to the lovely girl who bought our Raleigh Vintage City bike last week and said I was "a bit urban". Mad props Jessie, hold it down yeh.

Beano. Xx

Morning Wood

2012-01-24T21:56:00.000+00:00

Those of you who are au fait with the Audio Visual industry will be aware that the market kinda dries up a bit in January. So much so in fact, that I've only had work for one day in the whole of January. Last time I had this much time off was summer holidays at school in year 12. And things have changed a lot since then. For example, I have to pay rent now so 3 weeks of Football Manager is out of the question.

So I've had to turn my hand to something else to pay those bills. Apart of from unleashing our beautiful doves, here's what I've been up to...

This small coffee table is made of reclaimed scaffolding boards and palette wood. It's for sale for £60. There are also 2 larger ones in production that will be £100 each.

This taller coffee table will be at Kaffa Coffee in Gillett Square.

And this other tallish coffee table currently has no plans. It might end up at Kaffa Coffee too, unless someone makes an offer i can't refuse.

And this is a picture of how happy I'll be when they're all sold. Artists impression.

Beano. Xx

Happy Christmas

2011-12-31T15:01:00.000+00:00

Happy Christmas everyone!

If you're still reeling from Christmas like I am, you'll probably be feeling like you've been force fed unreasonably rich foods continuously for the past week. No complaints obvs... But I think what we all need is a little Bestimate update just to distract us all slightly from the inevitability that New Years Eve will be the alcoholic-big-mama-smack-in-the-face crescendo our bodies really don't need.

So brush away the empty foil wrappers, put down the white spirit and turn off Michael sodding Bublé for a few peaceful minutes to see what Patrick "Break the Code" McCarthy and I have been getting our fingernails grubby for.

So my flat has pretty much turned into a workshop since we began, wheels, frames and cans of Heineken all over the place. I've definitely hoovered up tiny nuts and bolts I shouldn't have, Henry wasn't best pleased.

This Viscount has been sold for a birthday present to Mr Paddy Smith, he is now the proud owner of another quality Bean and Pat refurbished vintage racer. Congratulations Paddy.

Patrick has been larking around with the Doves. This one is a hybrid Falcon which will get some new handlebars to be unleashed in the near future. Pat takes this pose quite a lot actually. Minus the bike.

Don't look so surprised Pat, I've suspected it for a while now.

This vintage Raleigh City 3-Speed is now on sale. £200 for quality British built elegance. It's not often one can say that now is it? Contact us if you wanna test ride baby....

This Blue and White Raleigh Winner SOLD! To the man in the chunky knit sweater and unreasonably volumised barnet.

And boy is he happy.

So that'll do it for this round up. Have a good evening everyone, don't use illegal cabs, be safe out there.

Beano. Xx

A Single (Bike) Mother's Lament

2011-12-09T11:39:00.001+00:00

Ok so our fleet of Doves is taking slightly longer to spread their collective wings than we thought.

"Patrick 2: Multiply This" has swanned away to Peru for 2 weeks leaving me with all of the incubation duties.

It's not easy being a single parent. With 9 Doves to look after and a whole host of eager suitors waiting for the day we finally clip those wings, it's an awful lot of pressure for one person to take. Sometimes I just wish for it all to go away so I can have some 'me' time.

Don't get me wrong, the Doves are my life, I'd do anything for them. But when you're depended upon by so many people, the burden can seem so unbearably heavy to shoulder.

I have my friends and my family, sure. But I need more than just a shoulder to cry on, I need someone who I can really rely on, someone who'll be there when one of baby doves is crying or has shit the bed. I need someone who won't just bugger off to South America when things get tough or when life just starts getting a bit too real for them.
Beacause I've got news for you Patrick McCarthy, life isn't just one big simple equation. Sometimes 9 + 1 = commitment. Sometimes the square route of 144 is respect. And sometimes you need to look up from that calculator for a second just to be a man.

PYSCHE.

Ok so it's true the bikes aren't ready but it's not because I've been all crying and shit. It's because my cousin and I have been totally smashing a Grand Designs job on our new place.

Here is the story of our miraculous journey in pictures...

(Sorry for the poor quality photography. It seems no matter how many million of megapixels they cram into an iPhone, the photos still look like crap)

Oops.. Don't know how that got in here.

Beano. Xx

"Project Un-Caged Doves; Buy them, Unclip them, Let them Soar"

2011-11-23T12:36:00.001+00:00

Mine and Patrick "Look Mum! No calculator!" McCarthy's trip was fruitful. Some nice Doves are in the nest. But at the moment they look like rabid, one-legged, retarded pigeons.

The lads transit van trip was fun too, and if you're wondering, it was 3-1 to me on stalls. Although mine was in the middle of a roundabout so prolly about three times as ridiculous.

But without further ado, the rad-ass steeds...

Dove 1

"Expand Your Horizons"

First up we have this total bute. It's a 10 speed Dawes Horizon with a Reynolds 500 Frame circa 1980's.

This hand built English two-wheeler is already a dream to ride. We picked it up from a nice guy with a ponytail called simply "Rob" who lives by the sea. We're gonna scrub it up, give it some new bar tape and it'll be good to go.


"Reynolds 500 frames are super light and strong. Awesome."

Dove 2


"Afternoon Delight"

Secondly we have a saucy Ladies number. This 70's Raleigh will have your thighs quivering with anticipation, mainly because at the moment it has no seat.

We'll strip it back to make it less cumbersome, get those shiny bits gleaming again and find a nice comfy saddle for those mornings you just don't feel that broody.


"British. Bootiful. Lavely"

Dove 3

"I've Been Puched off a Cliff"

Next up is an old Austrian beast that's been treated like your Grandma at a Fritzl family reunion. This needs serious TLC. It looks like its spent the last 20 years under a waterfall. Definitely something no scrub can just fix.

However with 2 new wheels, some new pedals, an absolute overhaul in the drive train department and a nice hot bath it'll be back fighting fit.


"I'll Be Back"

Dove 4

"I Von't a Viscount"

The fourth Dove we've taken under our wing is another Royal mess. The Viscount brand was a British Midlands based firm with a successful racing team in the 70's. They were hand built from quality components and once restored, this one will be fit for a King again.

It's a monster of a frame, you'll need a ladder to get on it if you're under 6ft and it needs a lot of tweaking and cleaning.

"Vis-Count Me In!"

Dove 5

"I'm a Cobra, not a Bloody Dove"

"Oooh! This velocipede is rather nice!" The "Free Spirit Cobra 10GT" was absolutely made to be in a blog titled "Project Un-Caged Doves; Buy them, Unclip them, Let them Soar". That's why it'll be a pleasure and a privilege to renovate it.

I'm told that they were sold in America by Sears as good quality, mass produced bikes. This 10 speed will get new shoes, bar tape and a jolly good wash.

"Did You Like My Use of the Word Velocipede Before?"

Dove 6

"Ou est La Bibliotheque?"

Landing in at number 6 is Un Velo Tres Special. This sexy Peugeot Carbolite racer is another example (the first being Marion Cotillard) of the French making something very sexy indeed. It's very light, very sleek, very fast and super chic.

"Oui, c'est formidable"

Dove 7

"It's Ladies' Night, and the Gearing's Right"

What can I say about this Raleigh 5 Speed Ladies White Racer that hasn't been said already? Nothing.

Dove 8

"Androgynous"

This is obviously a well nice bike mate. It's a unisex Vintage Raleigh Town Bike with lovely old handlebars and (nearly) white wall tires. In an urban environment such as London, this fine piece of ass is sure to turn heads.

We don't even need to do any work on it. I guess we could convert it to a single speed or something, but it's got a 3 Speed Sturmey Archer Hub. So what's the fucking point?

"Shake Your Rump ah"

Dove 9 - Le pièce de résistance

"Wheely Nice"

I know what you're thinking. "That bike's only got one wheel Bro!" And you're right, it does only have one wheel. Our photographer didn't put it back on to take the photo. But that's not her fault, she was working for free and has been off work ill for nearly a week so give the poor cow a break.

All jokes aside though, we've stumbled across a total diamond in the muff here. I challenge you to find any information online or otherwise about the manufacturer of this bike. All I know is his name was Frank Shaw and he hand built bikes in Camberley. Honestly, if anyone reading this knows or finds anything AT ALL about the bike or the company or even if you know a guy called Frank Shaw, I'll buy you a beer, because I've got nothing man.

Just by the way, we know it's such a great quality bike for a few reasons: it's as light as a fart; it has vintage Italian Cinelli and Campagnolo components; and the big Yorkshireman who sold it to us said so.
This one will get a respray and a single speed conversion, the new lease of life it deserves. It won't be one legged for long.

So go on, soak up some lovely hi-res pictures. Spin that mouse wheel like it's a tumblr baby.

Beano and Paddy. Xx

The Falcon Project 2 - Digression

2011-11-17T11:18:00.001+00:00

It looks like Patrick "Pythagoras ain't got shit on me" McCarthy and I have bitten off more than we can chew. But instead of pussying out like wimps, we've gone in for another helping.

"The Falcon Project" isn't quite the guys-hanging-out-with-a-beer bicycle building project we hoped it would be. We're still gonna get the job done of course, don't you worry about that. The thing needs work and parts though, big time. In our online quest for these parts, we've only gone and bought 13 more bikes that we're gonna pick up in a (lads) transit van on Saturday.

I know what you're thinking, overkill.
Sure. But the world is your oyster and there's opportunity to be had around every corner. We're gonna pool the parts, put together some smoking-ass steeds and unleash them on our local municipality.

So instead of this just being;

"Project Falcon"

..henceforth it shall be known as;

"Project Un-Caged Doves; Buy them, Unclip them, Let them Soar"

Yes it's a bit of a mouthful, but that's what this whole thing has become. Believe me, you saying it will be much bloody easier than us actually doing it.

Pictures of the bikes aren't ready yet obviously. But in lieu of those, here's the earliest photo on mine and Pat's facebook friendship page. It was taken at Georgie Rogers' 21st Birthday Party 2006...

The same night this happened...

Also the same night Jess Martin strode round on crutches literally shouting "I'm Heather Mills McCartney".

If that was all a bit too much, here's a picture of a really nice Italian bike...

Beano and Paddy. Xx

The Falcon Project

2011-11-13T17:11:00.001+00:00

Y8BHE2XRJSMB

If one has ever wondered what one does with one's spare time when one is not Bestimating, one can find the answer here.

This is a Falcon bike from the 1970's, when it was new it prolly looked a bit like this;

"Nice Steed"

But now it looks like this;


"Pass the Brasso"

Patrick "Plat du Jour" McCarthy and I will be restoring it back to, and surpassing it's former glory. This New Found Glory will be sold at the end.

Restoring a bike isn't child's play, it can be viewed as an art-form. Like David Beckham's free kicks. A spectators sport/art form.

So we'll post our progress on here, and if you like it, you can get your hands on it when we're done.

Here are some more angles for your viewing pleasure.

"Forking Lovely"

"Ooh Dirty Falcon"

"By the Weinmanns"

"Handle This"

"Plunging Neckline"

"Back On My Feet Again"

Alternative Autobiography Names - Movie Stars

2011-11-11T11:54:00.001+00:00

Movie stars should have great autobiography names, they spent their lives reading diverse scripts and meeting talented writers. But they fall short, massively.

Here, let me help...

"Hanks for the Memories: The Official Autobiography by Tom Hanks"

"Having a Swank: The Official Autobiography by Hilary Swank"

"That Script's Bullock's: The Official Autobiography by Sandra Bullock"

"Drunk in Charge; I Hate Jews: The Official Autobiography by Mel Gibson"

"One Night in Paris: The Official Autobiography by Paris Hilton"

"The Writing's on the Wahl: The Official Autobiography by Mark Wahlberg"

"Cage Fright: The Official Autobiography by Nicholas Cage"

"Please Sir, Can I Have Some Moore?: The Official Autobiography by Demi Moore"

"The Best Book Eva!: The Official Autobiography by Eva Longoria"

"I Suck (Your Blood): The Official Autobiography by Robert Pattinson"

"In at the Depp End: The Official Autobiography by Johnny Depp"

"Down the Pan: The Official Autobiography by Kevin Bacon"

"Back when I was a YoungMan; My Memoirs: The Official Autobiography by Gary Oldman"

"Hurt; My Feelings: The Official Autobiography by John Hurt"

"Between the Lines (Of Charlie): The Official Autobiography by Charlie Sheen"

Beano. Xx

Back of The Net

2011-10-21T15:12:00.001+01:00

What about these football themed efforts... I've put their actual titles underneath for your convenience.

"Smashed It: The Official Autobiography of Richard Keys"
(Currently doesn't have one)

"Unlocking Your Potential: A Self-Help Book by Richard Keys"
(Definitely will never have one)

"Black And White: The Autobiography by Andy Gray"
(Currently "Gray Matters: The Autobiography by Andy Gray. I concede that one is pretty unbeatable)

"I'll Be Right Back: The Autobiography by Gary Neville"
(Currently "Red: The Autobiography by Gary Neville)

"A Drog's Life: My Autobiography by Didier Drogba"
Or
"You Can't Teach An Old Drog New Tricks: My Autobiography by Didier Drogba"
(Currently "Didier Drogba: My Autobiography by Didier Drogba")

"It's a Van's World: My Autobiography by Robin Van Persie"
(Currently Robin Van Persie - the Biography by Andy Lloyd-Williams)

"Christianity: My Autobiography by Christiano Ronaldo"
(Currently "Moments by Cristiano Ronaldo")

"He Shoots He Whores!: My Autobiography by Wayne Rooney"
(Currently "Wayne Rooney: The Way It Is: My Story by Wayne Rooney")

"The Arsene'd of Nowhere: My Autobiography by Arsene Wenger"
(Currently "Arsene Wenger - Pure Genius by Tom Oldfield")

"Live Giggs: My Autobiography by Ryan Giggs"
(Currently "Ryan Giggs: My Life, My Story by Ryan Giggs")

I receive a lot of fan mail and gifts but if you think of any good ones, send them in and I'll try and read as many as I can.

Autobiographies

2011-10-21T12:01:00.006+01:00

If you, like me, have spent the last 17 months since my last post in total disarray because of the sheer inconsistency in celebrities' autobiography titles, you'll be pleased to know Bestimate is here to help.
So many people put their name to a book nowadays, and why shouldn't they? It's a great way look clever and to practice your signature over and over again. Something I had so much time to do in my Physics GCSE class.
But here's my point, if you're going to release a book, why not give it a good name?

Jo Brand has right idea... "Look Back in Hunger: The Autobiography by Jo Brand"
It's funny because 1. She's fat. And 2. It's a pun.
Another bloody good effort is... "Losing My Virginity: The Autobiography by Sir Richard Branson"
Again, very funny. 1. It's a pun. And 2. He's probably taken a lot of virgnities. No no, just kidding. I mean he probably has but it's a reference to his company name. Obvs.

Then you've got the rest... "What You See Is What You Get: My Autobiography by Alan Sugar"
What is Jesus' name are you thinking. If you're surname is Sugar why the hell settle for "What You See Is What You Get"?
This is what really gets my goat. If you're Alan Sugar, and you're writing an autobiography, have some fun with it. What about;

"No Thanks Darling, I'm Sweet Enough: My Autobiography by Alan Sugar"
1. It's a pun. But 2. Most importantly, he's obviously an arse-slapping old bigot.

So what I'm saying is, Bestimate, over the near future, will be helping these misguided celebrities and others come up with better book titles. And if you're thinking of writing an autobiography yourself, send in your name and we'll help you out too.

On that note... Luda just killed it

2010-04-21T16:58:00.001+01:00

Cheers Murray

2010-04-20T20:09:00.006+01:00

Earlier today, Mr Murray Hernon sent us a request all the way from down under. Patrick of the Bestimate team decided to take this on, For anyone who doesn't know the request, this is it;

"If i was aiming to dig a hole straight down from here in melbourne to the inn on the green in harpenden using only my coffee mug, how many times would i end up emptying my mug of dirt - and would i make it by last orders?"

For anyone like me, who didn't exactly excel at maffematics, rest assured this involves some pretty advanced shit. I mean, we're talking pythagoras theorum, algebra, trigonometry and euclidean geometry. Advanced shit.
The illustration above is Pat's notebook paper with sketches etc. We're going to abbreviate the method here, but these maths are sound, Pat got a first in Maths while I was coolin in the spot listening to bare Ludacris.
Here it goes;

Assumptions first,
The soil was easy to scoop throughout the journey and there was no molten core down there,
Murray lived forever and could exert effort infinitely without fatigue,
Murray's scoops removed exactly 1 pint of soil and the scoop was indestructible.

Any of the well known distance calculators available on Google will tell you that the distance from Harpenden to Melbourne is 16910 Km. And we all know the radius of the earth is 6378.1 Km. It obviously follows using a little geometry, trigonometry and our favourite rule since offside - the sine rule - that the straight line through the interior of the earth between the two cities is 12,374.75 Km. Assuming Murray is still skinny he'll need a hole 1m wide. He'll shift 38million cubic metres which will take 16,900,000,000 scoops with a pint glass (we all know that's all you got down there). Which, by miraculous coincidence is the number of pints the average Aussie can drink more than a Pomme, according to said Aussie. PM

So, if one scoop took one second to scoop, he would arrive in the year 2544 on the 28th December BEFORE LAST ORDERS! So that means he could put that indestructible cup to good use finally by getting a pint of finest space lager.

Ask a wild question, get a Bestimate. Bean and Pat. X

Inevitable Mr Anderson

2010-04-20T07:45:00.003+01:00

This morning's blog is a response to an inevitable request for a sexual related Bestimate.

Mark Gunther asks;
"If a wank was a standard unit of measurement, where 1 wank was the distance covered by the hand when going from base to tip of the average size penis, how many wanks away is the Sun?"

A wild question indeed, here's what we did.

Assumptions,
The size of Mark's penis is 6 inches. (Eww)
It's winter, darker depressing times means Mark has to pleasure himself more often. (It affects the distance of the Sun from the Earth as the orbit is elliptical.)

The "length of stroke" is 6"=15cm=0.00015Km
Distance from Earth to Sun=146,000,000Km

Therefore 146,000,000/0.00015= 973,000,000,000Wanks

So Mark, if you think that might be a bit too much like hard work (excuse the pun), if you get all 3 billion men in the world to help you in a wank-powered rocket, that's about 324 wanks. Happy stroking.

Ask a wild question, get a Bestimate. Bean. X

On another note..

2010-04-19T20:39:00.001+01:00

How weird is this?

Bestimate: Incredibly weird.

Tad rusty

2010-04-19T16:56:00.002+01:00

Since Mr Patrick McCarthy submitted our first Bestimate request on Saturday, a lot has happened. Suffice to say there's been plenty of interest, along with a fair amount of pessimism.
Jessica Martin, I won't forget what you said and neither will the angry hordes reading this.

But back to business. Great news everybody, WE HAVE OUR FIRST BESTIMATE. If you need reminding of the question, it's on the previous blog. Heres how we did it..

Assumptions.

First, we made the assumption that the smoker in question (let's call him Vincent) smokes 20 ciggies a day.
Second, the cigarettes are Marlboro Gold king size (normal size to you and I).
Third, that 62mm of the 85mm cigarette is smoked. (Butt and letters discarded).

62mm multiplied by; 20 a day, then 365.25 a year, then 20 for 20 years.

=9.058 Kilometers

Imperially, that means that the monster cigarette would be 5.6285 miles long! Converted to feet, Vinnie's ciggie would be taller than Mount Everest at 29718.48 feet above sea level (Everest stands at 29029 feet.)

Considering that Marlboro Gold (lights) contain 6mg of Tar each, that equates to approximately 876.6g of tar inhaled over the 20 years. Staggeringly, that's more than the weight of an average adult camel's brain.

To take the Bestimate even further, assuming each cigarette takes 5 mins to blaze, it would take Vin 507 days of continuous smoking to finish. Obviously drawing the conclusion that climbing Everest is much quicker than smoking a cigarette as tall as it.

So there you have it, our first Bestimate. The first of many. Thanks Vincent, thanks Mr Patrick McCarthy and thanks Bestimateys.

Ask a wild question, get a Bestimate. Bean. X

Breaking the seal

2010-04-17T16:44:00.000+01:00

In my first ever blog entry, I'll introduce the concept. You ask us a wild question, we'll try and answer it. Every Saturday we'll choose the best question submitted, work on it throughout the week and post our Bestimate 7 days later.
We'll post our methods, research, calculations and try and answer any queries.

We're going to start with a question asked last night in the Pipeline bar. Mr Patrick McCarthy asks;
"If you join together all of the cigarettes smoked by a smoker of 20 years, how long would that cigarette be?"

A wild question indeed, Bestimate next Saturday. X