Back in November, I had a family emergency and I let go of all of my normal coping mechanisms. Because singular focus was necessary, no matter how much that annoyed my family.

And then December came. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I COULD GET BACK. EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. But nope.

My friend died. Horrifically. In the kind of way you only read about in the papers. This was not supposed to happen to someone I love.

And then I did something I never should have done: I judged my grief. I gave myself a couple of days to grieve and decided I should be normal again. The problem was that I wasn’t normal again. I was a mess. I didn’t want to be anywhere. Leaving my house wasn’t something I really wanted to do.

It happened right before Christmas and was over my head during a time when most were jolly. Then the actual holiday came. Some minor slight happened and I normally would have brushed it off to celebrate. Instead, the minor slight grew, and as I found myself riding in a car to my in-laws, I just unbuckled my seatbelt and got out of the car. I walked home. In wedges. In the cold. It wasn’t as far as it could have been, but it was far enough.

When I finally made it inside of my house, I quickly packed up all of my Christmas decorations. I tried, but it wasn’t going to happen and having reminders of the fact that it wasn’t going to happen was only making it worse.

The worst part of this was having my nephew call. I was crying and he tried to help by imparting his 20something wisdom. That kid…

A couple of days later, I went to my friend’s funeral. I saw a college friend and the many families that my friend had created in the places she had lived. It was cathartic. It was everything my friend was and still is. This was when I could close the book on the mourning. Because all of this really belonged to her real family and not me.

Except I still wasn’t there.

Every day, a little reminder of her showed up. Every day, I still didn’t really want to deal with life.

The whole situation was compounded by politics. I was judged for not doing enough. I was sent messages about things I should be doing. And my Facebook newsfeed was filled with the next crisis that I was expected to work myself up over. The more it was coming at me, the more I felt removed from it. I wanted to say, “Please stop.” Instead, I quietly removed a lot of people from my newsfeed and the pleas just seemed to die from my lack of response.

Then I heard the most heinous thing: Taking a mental health break from politics is a privilege.

I know many of you that said this don’t realize how hurtful this actually is to those of us dealing with depression. Taking care of myself is not privilege. Taking care of myself is the only way I can at all function normally. So yes, I took a break from the actions I would take in a normal situation. But I wasn’t in a normal situation.

January started with a horrible cold. Another weight on top of everything else. I was smothered.

I don’t react the way most people do to smothering. I have to dig and keep digging even if that digging seems insane to others. So I sold hats. Over the course of January, I sold 300 hats that I had to crochet. I sold too many hats. But it was a start. And I got working.

February came with a new but familiar symptom: I felt drugged. And this made me finally realize that depression had set in. It took well over a month to realize this. Why? Because in a lot of ways I was completely normal. My day job was going great. My relationship was great. But… I didn’t want to leave the house. I didn’t want to see people. I would do just about anything to be left alone. And maybe I was more than a little irritable. Oh and there was the whole only eating when reminded thing and an uncomfortable amount of soda consumed just so I could function.

This week, I found that I don’t want to make hats. Not even a passing interest in it. But I felt like going out of town and leaving my house. I felt like going to yoga. I felt like drinking more water than soda. I felt like being a person again. And the hats feel like a noose around my neck.

I’ll move through that noose. The good news is that I’m getting back to being me again. I can’t get there 100% yet, and I don’t think it would be healthy to do that. So today, I booked a hotel room. Tomorrow, I’ll do something else. And eventually, the hats will be done, so I can own my life again. It’s just small steps every day. They might get bigger again. They might not. I might be 100% the old me again. I might not. But right now, I want something different than what’s going on and that means I’m ready for whatever is next.

Because I love those five people, here are some lessons from the month that was:

It’s okay to have a lot of me time sometimes

In September, my life was a pyramid. I felt like the majority of that pyramid was taken up by not-me. The result? I felt unfulfilled and depressed. And to be frank, that meant that I wasn’t really me for all of those other things that I was giving myself to.

So I flipped it at the beginning of the month. I started out the month with most of that pyramid filled with me so I could figure out what was going to make me a better person for everything else in my life. By the end of the month, I settled into a pie where everything got equal pieces. A pie is more fluid. Sometimes things in my life need bigger pieces. And sometimes I need bigger pieces. That’s a better way to get to balance. Now I want pie.

Not completing the 30 day yoga challenge was emotional

I felt great. I was working hard in each class. I was so confident that I started planning how I’d celebrate it. And then disaster struck with a ridiculous traffic jam as I tried to get to the last class of the day at my studio. I cried.

Are there way more important things going on in the world? Yes. Are some of those more important things even going on in my house? For sure. But dammit, I was devastated anyways. I felt so great because of the challenge, and I’d worked so hard. I wanted to honor it by finishing it out. I felt like I was robbed of that opportunity.

I slept on it that night and sorted out my feelings the next day. I canceled my celebratory massage, because it didn’t feel right. (It will become a birthday massage later on this month.) And then I went to Plan B. Doing thirty classes in thirty-one days was all I had left to honor the challenge. So a class on Saturday, two on Sunday and a final one on Monday. It was all I could do, and I had to accept that it was good enough. I hate having to accept good enough.

I still don’t see my friends enough

I met some new people through the challenge. They’re great. But I have a core group of friends that are amazing. I saw like four of them during the month of October. That all equaled out to two pure friend activities. (I also got to spend some time with my tourism family, but I can’t completely count that here since it was work-related.) Two friend activities over thirty-one days. That’s a little unacceptable.

All of that is on me. I’ve never been good with friends. I’m never quite sure that people like me, because there are times that I don’t like me. So I never know if I’m imposing on people and they’re just being nice by spending time with that weird girl. Like I can count on my fingers the people that I’m sure like me. Maybe just on one hand.

How will I fix that? I need to do some work on myself. Or just make more dates with those that I’m sure like me. Probably both.

People responded most to my don’t-give-a-crap posts

When I was most authentically me, I received more comments. And when was I most authentically me? When I was struggling and feeling like I wasn’t like anyone else out there.

If I went through my Instagram yoga challenge hashtag, I saw a lot of people doing perfect poses that weren’t right on my body. To boot, some of the poses that the studio put out there were not always accessible to chubby, weak yogis. (“Can’t do a hollowed back handstand? Do a regular handstand!” No. Just no.) So I just would sort of do a half-assed version of the pose and say screw it. What I quickly found out was that I received the most messages (a lot of them privately) when I posted those. The poses I was probably the most proud of that I could actually do? Not so much. And let’s not even talk about the poses that made my belly even more visible. Those received amazing engagement.

So I’m going to make an even more concerted effort to do a little less whitewashing of my life. That doesn’t mean you’re going to see all of the warts, because my husband still has rules about that and nobody wants to see the days where I’m knee deep in cat vomit and regrets. But I’m going to erase fewer of the warts and maybe admit more of my bad times.

To me, this should be a lesson to the yoga marketers out there as well. Those perfect poses aren’t getting what you think they are. I’ve had A LOT of people told me that they were always scared of yoga until they saw how bad I was at it. Those bad pose pictures of my belly made them think they could do it too. Maybe delete a few of those perfect pictures and invite some of your newish yogis to participate in your marketing, yoga studios. Just putting that out there.

Conclusion

Life should be full of smiles and laughs. No, we’re not going to be smiling fools all of the time, but the older I get, the stronger I feel like you should have way more smiles than anything else. And this challenge clarified a lot of what is most important to me.

And you can do this too. If you’re feeling stuck and following your life instead of directing it, then stop. Look at your calendar and schedule just one week or a day or just an hour. That time is for you and can be filled with as many things that you love as you can fit into it. And you may find out that you have moved on from some of those things that you love. THAT’S OKAY. Start using that time to experiment with new things. As you rediscover your joys, the next step is to make room on your regular schedule for them. And then remember that it’s not a choice. You have no choice whether you will take that time for yourself, because if you don’t, you will not be able to function well in the other things you want to do. Just remember that.

I considered stopping this all together and just journaling instead. I would get the benefit of recognizing my joyful moments, without any of the risk. But there are drawbacks too. I think part of why I like this is because it provides a lot of little things that I can connect with other people on. The oh-I-like-that-too moment is huge for me. I like gushing with friends. I like giggling with friends. Sharing my joy makes me even more joyful. So I’ll keep going. But I leave it open that I may end sharing it at anytime. Mental safety is huge for me, and I’ll do anything to protect it.

And with that…

Joy #1: Yoga

Yesterday, I started off with a bad practice. My legs didn’t want to be legs anymore. They wanted to be JELL-O. Wiggly, wiggly JELL-O. And so I didn’t expect anything from it. Then I realized that I was just a bit deeper in a number of my poses. I’m more flexible! Stamina and flexibility are both making huge progress.

Then I went back today. Legs were still not interested in being legs, but I could handle it just a bit better. And then Linda came over and said, “You’re getting stronger. Do you feel it?”

Well, yeah. I haven’t tested it by carrying water or kitty litter in my house (the gold standard for knowing how strong you are is carrying either of these items into your house without help). But I know I’m stronger. I really need to get water and kitty litter ASAP.

After I agreed, Linda turned to Correna and said, “Betsy’s getting really strong.” Correna pointed out that she had changed my Chaturanga (basically a push-up that I had to do A LOT) to a plank to help me while I gained strength back. And then Linda shook her head, “No, Betsy’s just getting stronger. Tell her.”

With a laugh, I said, “If having every part of my body hurts equals getting stronger, I’M THERE.” They both laughed and then wanted to make sure it was muscular pain and not joint pain. I assured them that I would say something about joint pain. I would. Maybe. Depends on how Type-A I’m feeling that day.

Joy #2: Celebrating my husband

Anybody that’s met my husband knows how uncomfortable he is with attention. He hates when I make him celebrate his birthday (I do this every year and even forced him into a birthday party once), and would just rather live a low-key life most of the time. Well, sometimes he deserves the spotlight.

Last night, his company celebrated his twenty years of service. I ended up finally meeting his boss, who has been his mentor for a very long time, as well as a few co-workers.

First off, to be anywhere for twenty years is mind-boggling for me. Twenty years ago, I was living in Northern New York and was in high school. I’ve changed like five thousand times since then. I wouldn’t even recognize who I was twenty years ago. And despite the MANY changes my husband has had himself, he’s changed and grown with the same company while spending most of those years with the same boss. It’s just incredible.

This night also provided an opportunity for my husband to show off his sentimental side. It’s there if you look really close but he hates showing it off. Luckily, the emcee said all of the things that he felt about his boss. And his boss… His boss was shocked and very moved. As he made his way back to his seat, my husband mumbled, “I warned you,” to his boss as he stared at the floor and accepted a hug. That was the closest he could get to saying, “You mean a lot to me.”

And yes, I get the same kind of love and affection. But he’s really the best guy with the biggest heart despite wanting it to appear otherwise. I’m glad he was forced into celebrating his moment of glory.

Joy #3: A Good Friend

My online activities bring a lot of people into my life. Most are amazing but some suck. I encountered one that sucked yesterday.

Knowing that I’m just a tad bit sensitive (I try really hard not to be but it is what it is), one of my online friends messaged me later with something he knew I’d find funny. I did. And then he told me that he’d been looking for something that he knew would make me laugh to make up for the other person that sucked.

The online world is incredible. The good and wonderful people will always make up for the terrible ones.

Joy #4: A New Website

I’ve been pretty vocal about the fact that I’m getting a new business website. I wanted something unique to me, and I was finally at a point where it was REALLY necessary.

I saw the homepage today. It’s everything. It’ll last me for years and it’s totally adaptable for other materials I may want to produce.

What was really shocking though was that I only wanted to change VERY minor items. Allie Lehman really knocked it out of the park. She really knows how to take all of the weird things you say and turn them into something incredible. I HIGHLY recommend working with her.

Plus she’s super interesting. I kind of love that we can knock out the work and then have time to just talk about the random things in our heads. Seriously, I’m so glad I did this for so many reason.

Joy #5: Naps

I’m not gonna lie: This week has been trying although overall good. Between early mornings and a lot of work that needed to be done, I’ve been tired. But I’ve been fighting it and trying to get through.

I finally gave in tonight. After running around all day, I was getting a headache and I still needed to do work at about 8 pm. So yes, it was late but at around 6 pm, I took a nap. It was glorious. I felt so much better when I woke up and I was able to knock out everything I needed to get done. I’m still tired enough that I’m sure I’ll sleep soundly tonight, but I’m feeling rested enough that I won’t make a dumb mistake.

Naps are so underrated. There is just nothing better to make you more effective. I love naps. I need more naps in my life.

In the middle of the night long before my alarm goes off, he jumps onto my bed and pitter patters around. He walks on me and then sniffs at my face to see if I’m awake. I AM NOW. Once he’s satisfied that I’m awake, he lands on my feet and purrs himself to sleep. Once the purrs die down, I can finally go back to sleep. And because of this new nightly routine, I oversleep just slightly every day.

My theory about this: I screwed up his schedule and this is his way of screwing up mine. I know this isn’t rational, but just give me this. I’m going on very little sleep lately.

Joy #1: Acceptance

Every morning, I rush to the yoga studio, and then wait a millisecond as the girl at the front desk buzzes me in. I usually mumble some kind of hello, kick off my shoes and any cover ups, and then rush into class to find a spot. But yesterday was different.

As I got my stuff off and was grumpy about how I had really wanted to be earlier, I heard, “You’re doing the challenge, aren’t you?

Me: “Wha?” Ts don’t happen first thing in the morning. I’m frankly always shocked when words happen.

Her: “The challenge? I see you all the time now. I figured you had to be doing it.”

Me: “Oh yeah, I am.” I took a breath and instead of launching into my justification, I just talked. “My friend said that I’m going from zero to sixty. I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing I’m capable of.”

Her, laughing: “I totally get that. I’m the same way.”

She told me to have a good class and instead of rushing in with a bad mood, I felt slowed and relaxed. She affirmed my belief that God puts certain people in your way for a reason.

Joy #2: Yoga

Correna is deconstructing my practice to make it easier on my body. I’m older than I look. I’m not as in shape as I once was. And well, I’m not really sure I was ever up to the practice I was trying to do. I’ve come to terms with all of that, but I just never know how to back off. I’m learning lessons in patience from Correna. Slow down and I’ll eventually get there.

Linda, on the other hand, pushes just a little bit. But only to the point where I get challenged and not to the point where I feel like I’ll fail. I’m liking the push and pull approach to Mysore. Probably mostly because I don’t feel like a train ran over me after every class.

More importantly, I’m starting to feel safe there, so I’m being me. Not my yelly side. My jokey side. My fun side. And well, just me.

Like I’ve said about a hundred times, this thirty days is a whole new world to me. It keeps getting better. I may not make “huge” gains, but I’m feeling more comfortable in my skin. That’s more important.

Joy #3: New Connections

I’m no good at meeting new people. I get into my routines and because I’m a homebody that works from home, I rarely even see my friends, let alone new people. But I’m at the yoga studio every day, and I’m posting a new pose daily to Instagram too. I’m pretty much constantly being exposed to new people.

From Instagram, I found another girl that is also obsessed with her animals and yoga. Plus she’s a nerd. It’s nice to have little exchanges with someone that would otherwise be completely outside of my sphere.

And then at the studio, people just know my name whether I’ve told them it or not. I didn’t like it at first, but now I feel like I belong to something. It’s not a cult. It’s just a loose collection of people that seem happy to see me. It’s the exact kind of no pressure relationships my life can handle right now.

Joy #4: Allie Lehman

It’s just rare that I get to work with someone that gets as excited as I do about the dumb little things. Today she sent me an email about how she couldn’t wait to show me my new business website design. I’m gonna pee my pants.

Joy #5: Purple Yarn

I picked up the perfect purple yarn today. The color is amazing. It’s beyond soft. Everything about it is exactly what I wanted. For non-yarn lovers, I know it’s hard to imagine falling in love with yarn, but I just did. I’m so excited to play and turn it into something.

Joy #6: My sister & Bon Jovi

My sister has been in a deep and committed relationship for thirty years. Not with her husband. With Jon Bon Jovi.

She has loved him through every haircut, every career move and every musical change. She’s made it to almost every tour with her hair high and a lighter equally high. The fact the hairspray has never caught fire is a damn miracle.

My sister sent me a Facebook event for the latest tour about a week ago. There was no ask. Just an invite. Naturally I told her that I’d only go with her if she brought my niece. The answer was, “YES!”

Well, I didn’t believe her. First off, my niece has been rebelling against visiting me. And my sister has a history of getting really excited about something and then bailing. What? I have that history too? Whatever. Family trait.

I asked her three times with the last time over the phone today. After talking through the options and her complaining that I should have friends with hook-ups (bitch bitch bitch… moan moan moan), we agreed on a ticket price and an approximate location. So I bought a Bon Jovi Fan Club membership and then bought three tickets to paradise.

My sister tries to play it cool, but she used too many exclamation points on her Facebook post announcing that we have tickets. If she could still do a backflip, she’d be doing one right now. I did some reconnaissance work for her and sent her pictures of what our view will be like. I’m sure she’s bouncing off the walls dreaming of her date with Jon and will do her own work to figure out what hotel he’ll be at. Because in the end, we both get too excited and we’re both stalkers.

I’m combining two days again. I actually like ending my day with writing about what made me happy throughout that day. With a balanced approach to my life, that will not happen but I am trying. Just not stressing when it doesn’t happen.

Here’s what you missed:

Yoga

Yoga was really hard this weekend, guys. I think it might have been partially due to exhaustion and partially due to a crapton of yoga.

But even though it was hard to find the joy in my practice, it was easy to find joy in the fact that Stella’s class was so full that we had to move to a bigger room that she also filled up.

I’m also finding joy in figuring out what works for me. I’m not a night yoga person AT ALL. I found a lot of resentment in having to go Sunday night. I think in a lot of ways that Sunday night class is good for me, but my body says no. Like hell no. Like I’m gonna end up skipping a night class if I keep trying to include them. I don’t know what I’m going to do on Sundays instead yet. I have to sit with it still.

Letting Go

I’m constantly doing check-ins with myself this month. What hurts? Nothing hurts, but my legs are sore. Are you tired? The answer this weekend was a resounding yes. Does this feel like too much? I feel like it’s a challenge, but with a simple, “I’ve been here before,” it feels like a doable challenge.

But I had to admit to myself that running feels like a lot right now. So I’m letting go of running until the soreness feels better in my legs. This is not I’m-giving-up-and-being-a-fat-slob. This is more of a realization that from zero to sixty is fine. From zero to six hundred is not. The exhaustion got to me this weekend. I laid on my couch instead of running. No regrets is an understatement.

I also let go of tap this week. I needed writing time and more sleep. I was bummed about that, but it was worth getting the extra time.

So my joy here was clearing away some cobwebs to get to what actually matters. Right now, what matters to me most is getting my body to the point it can take on more. I have to take what works for me now and leave behind what isn’t working. Maybe later on in the month running will feel good again. Actually, I know it will.

Friends

I’m a known hermit. I go for long stretches without seeing my friends. I work from home, which makes the situation even worse. It used to be not unusual for me to go days where the only other in-real-life person I saw was my husband. Obviously going to yoga has changed that dramatically. But these aren’t necessarily friends… yet.

Saturday night, I spent time with my favorite Columbus couple as they hosted a BBQ. It was good for my soul for 5000 reasons. And considering how many laughs there were, pretty dang joyful too.

New Workout Clothes

I decided a full week of yoga was worth some new yoga clothes. I have a pair of yoga pants that are just amazing. I wanted another pair. And then I was all like, my tops don’t fit as well as they should. I need more. And headbands! I need headbands! I ended up with one pair of yoga pants, two tops, two headbands and $25 off my purchase. I love shopping.

Little Joyful Moments

Did I mention that I was exhausted this weekend? I went to the grocery and my klutzy side was on full display. A jar of roasted red peppers just slipped out of my hands and shattered. I was able to quickly get the attention of an employee. She stood over my mess while another employee got the tools to clean it up. She joked with me and assured me that it happens all the time. She also thanked me for dropping it since it smelled amazing. It really did.

I’m finding more and more joy in stupid little moments like this. Noticing this stuff is pretty much gold for me. So if nothing else, this experiment has been worth it for that reason.

I’m going to attempt to get another post out tonight about today, but I might not. I’m cool either way.

After he finished, he got a big grin on his face. “I got pictures of you falling. You needed those.” Jerk. I totally did. Still a jerk.

Joy #1: The Little Things

When you decide to face life with more joy, everything around is more pleasurable. You laugh a little longer. You smile just a bit bigger. And you just enjoy everything around you a bit more.

This morning, I woke up without an alarm. I turned to find my cat, Cesare, staring at me with a grin as he was waiting for me to start stirring. I picked up my phone and found one of my friends had posted a quote that I had stylized over the summer. It was the right quote for me to hear at the right time. She had saved it and posted it as a reminder to her, but I felt joyful in the fact that I needed it too. And one joyful thing led to the next and so on and so on.

I’m noticing more and more of those little joyful moments. They’re the ones that are good for the soul.

Joy #2: Featured on Spin Sucks

I count myself ridiculously lucky to have Gini in my circle. She’s been extremely generous to me and has been an ear when I need it. As I told a lunch date recently, “Gini is the real deal and is even kind than you’d think.”

The fact that she invited me back to be on the hot seat again meant a lot to me. Bonus was that it meant that we would talk over video. I don’t remember anything I said. I refuse to watch it. It would be too painful for me. But I’m really grateful to have had over a half hour of laughs with Gini and Laura. There were a lot of laughs. I’m gonna guess that it’ll be painful for others to watch too, because I do remember that we had trouble not laughing. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT IF YOU ATTEMPT IT.

Joy #3: Getting Blood Drawn

Okay, so getting blood drawn for tests my doctor ordered doesn’t sound so joyful. Strangely it was.

It could have gone bad. I got to the place and realized I didn’t have my insurance card. I called my husband and told him about how I maybe lost it and how I maybe stole his for my doctor’s appointment. And then maybe this was the only day I could do this particular test. So he came home. Instead of suffering a slight meltdown over my forgetful ways, we figured it out.

I went back to get the test done, and as I was about to pass my paperwork to the receptionist, she said, “We’re closed.” As a flood of nastiness about how I saw the hours and how I was totally within the hours and I needed this test done today came to the tip of my tongue, her whole body filled with a glorious laughter. “Just kidding. You were totally going to go off on me, weren’t you?”

As we worked through their computer system questions, she noticed that my husband’s last name didn’t match mine. “That’s your husband, right?”

“Yeah, I like my name and felt like it was important to keep it.”

“Well, then he should have changed his name.”

“Don’t think I didn’t try.” And we all laughed.

She went back to her seat. I explained to the nurse that I have wiggly veins, so no big deal if she doesn’t get it on the first try. And as the needle went in, I heard, “You know I’m like Beyoncé, right?” Then the unmistakable sound of her looking up Beyoncé videos to demonstrate just how much she was like Beyoncé. Yes, she may have been goofing off a bit (which is why I will never give any details about where I went), but I’ve never seen anyone happier to be at work and to share her joy with others. Plus she was Beyoncé. I didn’t expect to meet Beyoncé today.

Joy #4: Yoga

So I thought it would be easier on myself to go to the Half Primary class instead of the Primary class. First off, I wouldn’t leave in the middle of it because I don’t have all of the poses. I do all of the Half Primary poses. And it’s at night, so I could sleep in and enjoy the pleasures of a comfy bed.

However… I was all wrong. When I was into my daily routine, something just felt off. Then, I started feeling resentful of the fact that I had to go. The thoughts started creeping in. “Does it really matter? It’s just one time. You can miss one time this month.” The truth is that I can miss one time this month. That one time is scheduled for later in the month to coincide with a conference I’m attending. I don’t really have the ability to let that day go. And yet, here I was telling myself to do it.

After a pep talk with myself, I just went. Most of the time, that is the absolute worst part of this and that was definitely the case today.

I showed up and went straight back to the tiny room. There were twelve of us crammed into this room, trying to be mindful to not hit anyone else. Tom the Yoga Teacher happily bounced into the room with a story about a breakthrough he had which then led to him sharing his fascination with doing yoga in public. “Yup, I’m the jerk that steps on the chairs you want to sit on at the airport.”

Then we were off. Tom has a soft touch when adjusting. He’s not pushing you into a position. He’s gently guiding you. That guidance makes the adjustment then feel good, like of course that’s what I should have been doing this whole time.

And he’s damn funny. He seamlessly went from story to story to illustrate his points, and I found myself laughing out of poses more than once. It’s the kind of thing that just makes you happier to practice despite all of the complicated ways you are trying to bend and move your body.

Then I left just as Tom had come in: happy and bouncy. Then I was stuck in terrible traffic that extended my drive home by a lot. No, this class won’t work for me, which makes me sad. I’m just the kind of person that craves that morning yoga. Now I just have to get my body to be a morning body.

Something that I find myself doing again and again is trying to justify the thirty days of yoga challenge. I don’t know how to really get people to believe that it means meditation or yoga. I have a particular plan, but for the most part, I have no problem deviating from that plan. I have a Plan A, but Plan B is just fine too. I’m being super easy on myself. It just seems like I’m not.

The more I have to justify it, the worse my justification is getting. I actually value the few friends that get it so much more now. Crashing into things isn’t good for most people. But in this case, it is for me. I was a better person on the other side of my last thirty day challenge. I’m not chasing after that person. I just want to improve from where I am right now, and I think this is the way to do it.

Joy #1: Yoga

I’m kind of surprised at how quickly I’ve gotten comfortable in Morning Mysore. The pressure has been lifted. I can just show up and try, anything I do is great. I need that in my life. Desperately.

My bratty side came out just a bit when Linda adjusted me. I need to check myself before I wreck myself there. I mean, I’m gonna be bratty. That’s a given. But maybe she should see that I don’t mean to be like that first.

The good news is that this was the best my practice has felt. The iRest class yesterday was well-earned and well-received by my body. In turn, it rewarded me with a lot more comfort in my practice. Instead of struggling the entire time, I was able to just relax into what I was doing. I then came out feeling amazing, instead of like death. It’s the first time I’ve really felt like Morning Mysore could be an important part of my life again. Will I go every practice day after October? I… don’t… know… But I know I’ll crave this time in this place.

Joy #2: Nutritionist

This went bad. It was my fault. Completely my fault. I agreed that I should never put details of my appointments online, but I will say that I cried. And I know my bout of depression in September was not good. I know what I did wrong to lead to that point, and I’ve adjusted. But I don’t have any proof that I’ve adjusted. So all I have is a bunch of broken promises for September and just a few points of progress.

I wasn’t judged in the least about that. But… It made my plan of playing dominoes with healthy habits and my own wellness seem like just another thing that I’ll likely not do. Or that it’ll interfere with healthy eating. But the dominoes are falling, and I know they’re falling into the right places. Those extremely close to me have definitely seen the difference just from last week to this one. I just can’t necessarily show that difference to others… yet.

And then there was the controlling side of my personality. I came in with too strict of an agenda and wanted to go there instead of following the path I was being given. At one point, I just saw how the appointment was going as if I was watching it from the corner and immediately apologized for everything I had said or done. Not that I had offended her. I hadn’t. I had offended my own code of conduct when it comes to dealing with people that are trying to help me.

I finally just said, “I wish life was like my Morning Mysore class. I just want to show up and be asked to do less than I’m capable of. And then I want to feel proud when I accomplish more. I just want it to be that simple.” And that was finally our breakthrough moment. My goals were then formed around that sentiment. No, you don’t need to know what they are.

So here I sit looking at the remains of the day. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great. All I can do is try again tomorrow.

Joy #1: Meditation

Regardless of how I felt, I was going to the yoga studio today. I’m stubborn. I looked at the schedule before I went back to sleep and noticed Stella from Day One was teaching an iRest class at 12 noon. If I was on my game, I could make that work.

I chatted with Stella briefly yesterday. I told her how much I liked being in her class because it was so out of my realm. She has a great vibe and seems completely herself. What really attracts me to her teaching style though is that she is just so responsive to what a newbie needs. She seeks you out. She anticipates what you might need and she makes sure you get it. So despite iRest being completely foreign to me, I was down, because I knew she’d make sure I was comfortable.

And she didn’t disappoint. She gave me a packet on what iRest is. She gave me a bazillion props to make me comfortable while I was there. Five blankets, a bolster and two heart beanies. I thought it was a lot, but looking around the room, some people had much more.

As I waited for the class to begin, I flipped through my packet. I didn’t really comprehend much of it. I thought maybe we would work on the packet together… I don’t know why I had that thought, especially since only the newbies got it, but I mentally started coming up with answers to a few of the questions I saw.

And then class began. It was… “amazing” is the only word that can describe it. Stella’s soothing voice took us on a journey. We moved through our bodies and then beyond, while just laying there. At least two people fell asleep. One woke herself up with a big snore. But Stella just kept going, softly and persistently. I kept listening and yet I’d lose the words from time to time. And when I’d come back, I’d find myself almost surprised that she was still using words.

The only funny part was played out in my head. Stella talked about embracing a feeling we were having. Mine was impatience. I want all the things right now and am feeling impatient about how far away everything seems. She then told us to notice the body part where that feeling lived. Oh I noticed it. I noticed it instantly: my right middle finger. I don’t know why impatience lives in my right middle finger, but it’s there. So if I ever use my right middle finger at you, feel free to say hi to impatience.

We then had to discover where the opposite feeling lives in our body. Patience lives in my feet. I find that… strange. I think of my feet as the means to get me somewhere. Actually, it’s clicking just as I write this. I’ve been feeling more patience in journeys lately. So even though I’m impatient about the results of those journeys, I am enjoying being in those journeys more. So yeah, patience is obviously in my feet.

I’m using weird language and a little too in love with this class, but I’m starting to feel strongly that everyone should do this class at least once. Everyone in the room felt wonderful after it (at least it looked that way), and I left with the energy I had been lacking. Fingers crossed that sleep will meet me on my pillow tonight after this.

Joy #2: Meeting a Doctor

A lot of people don’t think I keep anything private, but I’m keeping the details of this private. Some things are too important to me to be online.

The few points I will tell you: I met a great doctor today. I feel comfortable with him. I know my feelings are important to him. And I trust what he says. He even admitted that he rarely meets doctors that listen and take what a patient says seriously. I find that incredibly sad, but I’m glad I met the exception.

To get everything in today, my run had to be cut. I’m not sure if I’ll get it in tomorrow. It may just be gone, which can happen sometimes. I have some time before I plan to join a running group (most of them are training for a marathon that happens next weekend), so letting my body heal and concentrate on other more important things is a totally valid and okay thing to do right now. And I feel so light after meditating, I don’t want to mess with it. Here’s to tomorrow.

Joy #1: Yoga

Well, here’s the thing about joy: It doesn’t really have all that much to do with fun. Joy is all about conquering and breaking through. Fun is all about feeling good all the time. I’m aiming for joy and not fun.

And that’s why I’m totally comfortable saying that yoga was not fun today. Not fun at all.

I’ve slipped right back into being a regular. I’m being recognized, and my name is even being remembered. Honestly, I hate that. Let me live in anonymity and just adjust me from time to time. Okay, so I hate it, because at some point, someone is going to draw a line to my online stuff (even though I’m sincerely screwing myself on that front by sometimes tagging). Then I’ll feel like I should be more “on.” Sometimes I just wanna be quiet… in the back row… where no one will see me.

This was a bad practice from the start. I instantly wanted to vomit. Like there were some scary moments there with all that forward bending. A normal person would have stopped. But I’ve been there, done that too many times. So I played dangerously on the edge of possibly ruining my yoga mat and requiring the class to end abruptly. I stayed there during the whole practice which meant I had to slow way done and drink way more water. Add to that pure exhaustion, and it was just all total crap.

And then I discovered the issue with having three different yoga teachers trying to correct my downward facing dog. I have too many voices in my head that I literally froze each time I got to the pose. Hands outward instead of inward. The left one inched in just a bit more. Wait, I need to move hands back a bit. Make sure arms are engaged and shoulders aren’t at my ears. Crap, sit bones need to go back too. And up. Make ’em go up too. It’s a lot. I never thought I’d be terrified of downward facing dog, but here I am… Living the dream.

And then I started repeating to myself, “You don’t have to come back tomorrow. You can take a class.” Like it was making me feel better during the entire practice to think of doing any other class. I was even down for hippie drum circle class. I don’t know if they have one, but while doing my practice, I just wanted to find that class and take it.

Finally, I was done. Not that I did all of the poses I was supposed to do. I stopped when the nausea was too much to handle and the exhaustion made another chaturanga impossible (yes, Linda, we both know I led with my belly instead of my chest a lot today). As I was hanging out in Savasana with an absolutely full mind and grateful that hell was over (doing it all wrong!), I thought, “Sometimes showing up is more important than anything. If I show up tomorrow and only do my sun salutations, that’s okay.” So that’s the plan. Anything above sun salutations is amazing. Showing up is the real goal tomorrow.

Joy #2: World Ballet Day

When I came home, I got some quick, need-to-be-done-now work done and then hopped in the shower. I normally would have just thrown on some gym clothes, but not today. Today, I got out my leotard, dance skirt and ballet slippers, and I wore them ALL DAY LONG. I did my yoga pose of the day in them. I wrote tweets in them. I replied to fans in them. And I communicated to clients in them.

But more importantly, I danced in them. I turned in them. I leaped in them. I celebrated World Ballet Day hard. It was the perfect amount of ridiculousness and awesome. I was perfectly dressed to dance all day, so that meant every little thing I did around the house definitely was a dance. And I yelled, “I’M A SWAN,” a lot. Because responsible adult right here.

My husband came down from his office at one point, saw my shenanigans and quietly went back upstairs. He has learned that it’s best to not ask why and just pretend none of it is happening.

You’ll notice that I did no walking or running today. My next run is scheduled for Wednesday, so that wasn’t even a possibility. My feet are still beat up, and I’m exhausted. I’m not looking to kill myself during this process. I’m looking for balance. My balance today was to let my feet heal. They already feel better. So for those of you that question whether I’m pushing myself too hard, yes, I’m going to the edge, but I’m not going over.

For whatever reason, my body decided in the middle of the night to be all like, “HEY HOW YO’ DOIN’?” And then I had a freak out that my body was so wide awake because I slept through my alarm and totally screwed up my day (not remotely true). So I looked at my phone, which only kept me awake longer.

So no sleep and a butt load of physical activity means I want a nap. Bad. But I’m trying to bully through so I can get a nice long night of sleep tonight. Even the cat is saying, “TAKE A NAP, CRAZY LADY.”

Joy #1: Kitten time, more kitten time, kitten being funny time

Cesare saw me rustling around when my alarm went off and he decided that was our time. He curled up into my arms, kissed me and gave me ALL the purrs. I think he has felt a bit neglected, because he’s been all about me today. He wanted to participate in yoga pose picture time, and when I thought I lost him at one point, he was waiting in the bathroom waiting for me to take a shower with a big grin on his face. I’ve been talking a lot about finding joy in activities, but sometimes it’s nice to just be and find joy in the unconditional love of a little furry being.

Joy #2: Yoga

This morning was all about going back to a Morning Mysore class. I know both teachers. I’ve taken from Linda once and liked her vibe. She’s like the super cool girl in school that is just effortless and not even a bit snobby. Like the girl that everyone from all walks of life hopes to be more like. And she’s a doctor. And she’s schooled in acupuncture. She has all the makings of someone that could make you feel bad about how little you have accomplished in your life, but I never get that from her. Just the cool girl that I want to be around.

And then there’s Correna. I’ve taken classes with her, but she had no reason to remember me. I was always the quiet girl that sometimes giggled because the teacher would whisper hilarious, sarcastic things to me. But I remembered that she was really good at yoga and super confident. Confident enough to always claim a spot in the front row facing the rest of the class. Yet, I never got a bad vibe off of her either. She always had a big smile on her face (in a not-at-all annoying way) and seemed just so warm.

So I knew the teachers and knew the class. All old hat. Please explain to me why I all of a sudden had a freak out last night and wanted to change my entire schedule this week just to avoid doing Morning Mysore. Because it didn’t make any damn sense. It happened though and I had to calm myself.

As I suspected, my freak out was not even a little bit warranted. Correna made a beeline for me right away and introduced herself. She then asked me about my practice. I told her that I was coming back and had no idea what my body would do. She gave me a sheet for memory breaks in the practice (I had more than a few) and then told me that my goal should be to just get through my standing poses. If I did that, I did a great job today. Well, damn… I can do that. The pressure I had put on myself seemed to just lift.

Correna and Linda kept making their way to me for adjustments here and there, and then Correna told me I needed props. I agree with her. It might not be the Ashtanga way, but my body is just not all that flexible. Without the blocks, my hips were going in all sorts of weird directions, and I just wasn’t anywhere near the pose. With the props, my body just felt better. I maybe needed reminders of when I needed to rely on them, but that’s part of my relearning process and it’ll be a process.

I ended up doing all of my regular poses except shoulder stand, so I’ll have room to grow tomorrow. I packed myself up and went to the board to check my day off.

Correna popped out. “Are you doing the challenge too?”

“Yeah.”

“You should join our team. We’ll do it together.”

And then I word vomited. I said I was doing the full thirty day challenge, but that was okay. I needed to do that one. If I have choice, I’ll screw up. BUT I’M NOT BEING STUPID. I’m being smart, I swear. And on and on.

When I got back into my car, I really beat myself up over this. Why was I justifying? I made a decision. I feel comfortable with it. I made a plan around that decision, and I’m doing a great job of following through on it. Maybe I’m not as comfortable as I think? Or maybe I feel like people are going to automatically judge a chubby 35 year old making this kind of commitment, and I feel like I should tell them that even though I’m a chubby 35 year old, I’m not a dumb chubby 35 year old. I need to quit it. I need to own this better and not apologize for making a commitment to myself to do better. Or maybe I should have just joined Correna’s damn team like a normal human being.

Anyways, I told her that I’d see her tomorrow, and for once, I meant it.

Joy #3: Running

So I have to cop to something here: My feet are a bit of a mess. I had to buy running shoes that are technically a half size too big, because my feet expand that much during running. During running. Not during walking. Not at all during walking. Without thinking, I put these too big shoes on my feet and went for a walk on Sunday. Predictably, my feet were rubbed completely wrong and I now have some painful blisters.

I threw on some bandaids and hoped for the best today. I was a bit faster despite everything, and I spent some good time working some stuff out in my head. That last part was key, because I did the run in the middle of the day. It reminded me that that is the best way to get some writing-in-my-head time in. And when I’m less tired, I have a lot to put on paper.

Joy takes a lot of effort, but the payoff thus far has been epic. Now excuse me while I pass out somewhere.