There are many gifts we would love to be able to give our children, but self-esteem is one of those we can’t just wrap up with a bow and hand over to them. We have to create environments where their self-esteem can grow and flourish. I guess why they call it “self”-esteem.

It was saddening the other day to hear a young girl at the library tell her mom, “I stink at this. I never get the right answers and I’m too stupid to figure it out.” I couldn’t help but wonder how this young girl got to the point where she saw herself in such low terms. And then I heard the mom reply, “It’s OK honey. Not everyone can be smart at everything. You don’t need to finish it right now.” The “it” appeared to be homework, and the answer to my wondering was right before me. Kids think less of themselves when we reaffirm their worries and give them permission to fail – even when we are trying to be supportive.

What is Self-Esteem?

There is a great definition I once found in this little, inconspicuous spiral-bound book called, Your Child and Self-Esteem – Helping Children Respect Themselves and Others. “Self-esteem is the consequence of how we cope, what we believe, how we were raised, and most importantly – how we live.”

Self-esteem is about more than kids just feeling good about themselves. It is about them actively being good – to themselves and the world around them. It is the difference between being egotistical and being self and community-aware. Children who have positive self-esteem are more likely to be able to use their talents, abilities, and resources to fulfill their own goals and contribute to their surroundings. Their families, communities, schools, and employers all benefit, for even though self-esteem is an individual concept, it is what gives kids the skills to overcome obstacles and persevere.

How Can I Help My Child Build Self-Esteem?

There are expectations all around our children, from floods of almost unachievable body images in the media, to academic pressures, to family dysfunctions that lead to emotional stressors. All of these impact self-esteem.

The Parent Club Handbook develops what it refers to as a three step process for helping children build self-esteem.

1. Parents work to create an environment where physical, emotional, and intellectual needs are met with safe and loving reactions, and where kids have plenty of opportunities for challenges and success.
2. A child must be allowed to try and fail – all on his or her own.
3. Parents need to encourage their children’s efforts and love them when those efforts fail (especially when those efforts fail).

Much of what this handbook proposes falls in line with unconditional parenting, and some of it probably makes Alfie Kohn cringe, especially the parts about praising and rewarding efforts. Even though I find myself somewhere in the middle of these parenting philosophies, there are definitely merits to the strategies that the Parent Club Handbook suggests we employ to help our children build self-esteem. Among these includes a great discussion about the connection between the relationship between self-esteem and our self-control.

The more conflict there is between our morals and our behaviors, the more our self-esteem decreases.

The handbook suggests the mirror test. Stand in front of a mirror and ask, “Do my choices and how I treat others reflect my values?” For kids this exercise can be simplified into, “Am I acting like a person I would feel good about and want to spend time with?” The morals and values we demonstrate for and teach our children about impact their self-esteem.

It is so vitally important that our kids learn to love themselves, and they learn to do that when we give them their first lesson in unconditional love – that between a parent and a child. As our children grow, we can do several things to give them the tools for healthy self-esteem.

Give them our time. Time to read together, listen to their silly stories, and support their interests show them that we value them and they are worth value.

Help them find their passions. Once they are passionate about something, give them tools to further pursue their passions. Don’t worry if their passions are not your own – this isn’t about your claim to football fame or your want to raise an artist.

Find their love language – how they best express and receive your love. For some kids it is physical touch, and for others it is by spending extra quality time with you.

Forgive your children and ask for their forgiveness when you do wrong.

Let them fail. We can’t raise children who are strong enough to overcome obstacles if we just lower the bar. Their self-esteem will actually improve when they figure out for themselves how to fix or solve a problem.

Find ways for your child to contribute to your family. This might be through sharing a passion for cooking and making Saturday breakfast with you, or a green thumb and the desire to grow some veggies for the family. Family contributions make us feel connected – something kids yearn for as they grow.

Find ways for your child to contribute to the community. When we feel we are a part of something bigger, we see beyond ourselves and truly develop a “whole” perspective.

Listen to your child. Even when you have a million things running through your brain and on your plate, take the time to listen to their stories and questions. You will show them that they are worth the time – because they really are.

Related posts:

1. A Secret To Boosting Your Child’s Self Esteem
2. The Risks of Cheering for our Children
3. Are You Raising an Overprotected Wimp?

College can be challenging enough for dedicated students, but attending college as a new mom adds a whole new twist to this academic venture. I hadn’t finished college before my first child was born, but I knew I wanted to complete my degree as soon as possible. Knowing what I wanted to do and finding the resources to accomplish that goal were at times oceans apart from each other.

For close to the first two years of my daughter’s life I was a college student. She sometimes attended classes with me, had her own backpack with toys and books, and was my faithful companion during late-night study sessions. Being a mom and a college student is not an easy task, but if you are committed to both of them, you can be successful at both. I actually found that non-traditional students like myself tended to be more responsible, reliable, and focused at college – we had to be. If you are considering going to college or going back to college as a parent, consider the following ideas that helped me get the degree I wanted (and am still glad I have).

Pick a Program

Make sure that the program you select to pursue is your passion. This advice is for anyone – but parents who go to college most likely don’t have the time or funds for “do overs”. If you are certain you want a college degree, make sure it is something you love and think the job market will reward you for in the near future.

When I first began college I wanted to be a social worker. However, as a new mom I also quickly learned the emotional toll that would take on me, especially understanding my own personality. I also knew that I wanted a degree that would enable me to have job flexibility and utilize my skills and passions. I had also watched friends flounder and eventually leave school because they didn’t have a specific passion or goal they were pursuing. When I reassessed my college goals I asked myself the following questions.

• Will this degree enable me to have employment without further training?
• If something happens to my partner will I be able to use this degree to support my child?
• Will this degree compliment me as a person (and as a mom)?
• Can I afford to go to school full-time and still be an involved mom, both financially and emotionally?
• How will my life be better because of this degree?
• How will my life be more challenging because of college?
• How will my child’s life be different because I am attending college?

Create a College Time Budget

If you think about your time like you think about your finances, you can budget the hours in your day and be less likely to fall into time debt – when you simply don’t have enough hours in the day to be a parent and student.

Consider your class schedule so that you account for 4 basic factors:

1. In-class time
2. Childcare time
3. Home time
4. Homework time

Some semesters I took night-classes 4 evenings each week so that my husband was home with our daughter. I did homework during her naptime as much as I could. Other semesters when this was not possible, I arranged my class schedules so that there were as few hours as possible spent on campus, and the extra hours in between classes were my study breaks. Then when I came home my attention was back on my family.

Consider Online Options Carefully

Way back in the day when I was attending college online classes were not prevalent and not even yet offered in my field. Today they offer many options, but you still need to consider several points.

Make certain that the online classes are from an accredited and recognized university.

If you are looking to supplement with online classes make sure that the credits earned will go toward your on-campus credits.

Don’t assume that college at home as a parent will be infinitely easier than taking on-campus classes. You still need to devote time to classes and homework, and just like being a work-at-home mom, it isn’t always as easy to carve away that time when you don’t physically leave the house.

Make a Homework Plan

My first semester of college as a mom was so much more difficult because I didn’t have a doable plan (unless you consider just waiting until my daughter fell asleep on my shoulder and studying while she slumbered in my arms).

Use in-between hours for homework – those times when you have breaks between classes are valuable minutes that you are already away from home and mom duties.

Consider paying a babysitter for 5 hours each week for homework time. I know the finances can be an issue, but in the long-run you will save your sanity and your grades.

Get creative with what you can do as a mom and student. I would bring my daughter to the library and spend the first half-hour reading and exploring with her, then as she tired put her in a baby-pack and do my own searching.

Host study groups. Toward the end of my college career I had to work on several group projects that required hours of outside collaboration. I invited classmates over and provided an easy meal and we did the studying at my home – allowing me to still participate as a student and as a mom.

Find Flexible Childcare

No matter how creatively you arrange your class schedules, there will most likely be times when you have to find childcare for school responsibilities – either classes, meetings, or finals. Formal daycare settings are not only expensive, but they rarely have the flexibility you need. I was extremely blessed to find a neighbor and friend who could watch my daughter when I had classes.

• Find a neighbor with whom you and your child are already comfortable and ask if they are interested in babysitting occasionally.
• Ask a stay-at-home mom. It can provide her with extra income without being a full-time commitment.
• Check with your college. Many of them have childcare programs for students.

Look for Scholarships

Attending college as a non-trad (non-traditional student) puts you apart from the rest. Look for scholarships where the goal is to support non-trads. Search for organizations like these that are specifically focused on providing funding to moms and single parents.

Is attending college while being a new mom easy? No. Was it the right choice for me? Absolutely. I earned the degree (Technical Writing/Computer Science) that supports my passion and now my ability to be a work-at-home mom. Just make sure the decision is right for you and your family – no one else can make that call for you.

Related posts:

1. How Much is a Mom Worth?
2. Challenges of Being a Working Mom
3. The Wars of the Work-at-Home Mom

Childhood games used to just consist of friendly Go Fish and Duck, Duck, Grey Duck (yes – in the Midwest we don’t all say Goose). Today, however, parents and their kids are facing dangerous games that have real, detrimental, and sometimes deadly consequences. Have you ever heard of the Choking Game, Funky Chicken, Chubby Bunny, ABC Game, or Rape Tag? While a few of these might sound harmless to you, as a parent all of these names make me shudder. Our children are living in a world where we need to know what these games are, who is playing them, and how we can teach our children to walk away from these games that are anything but friendly.

The Choking Game

The Choking Game is pretty much what it sounds like, but it is anything but a game. Children (and adults), choke themselves or their peers until they feel lightheaded and on the verge of passing out in order to get high. When the choking pressure is released, the blood that was held back quickly floods the brain. The high they actually feel in the form of a tingly, warm, or hazy feeling is from their brain cells dying, but few adolescents who play this game know and understand the grim and dangerous facts. Kids use this technique with ropes, belts, scarves, or bare hands. Some use pressure on the chest or purposely hyperventilate in order to feel these effects.

The kids who are doing this are often typical or above average students who want the thrill of experimenting with a high but don’t want the risk of using drugs or alcohol, or think that the effects are not dangerous. Parents of children who memorialize their children on GASP (Games Adolescents Shouldn’t Play) tell vastly different stories. They tell of kids as young as 9 years of age who died from self-suffocation as they sought this brain cell killing high. Smart students with bright futures from across the globe are dying from this activity.

This dangerous game is also known as: Funky Chicken, Fainting Game, Space Monkey, Roulette, California High, Dream Game, and Airplaning. Some of the warning signs include abrasions on the neck, headaches, bloodshot eyes, attempts to hide the neck with clothing, and agitation or mood changes. A child’s body can in essence become addicted to the high feeling that this dangerous game elicits, so while they may begin playing it with peers for a social rush, they can end up playing it alone – an even deadlier decision.

I urge all parents and children to watch the chilling video online put out by GASP. My own 13 year-old had heard of the game from news reports, but didn’t have all of the facts. The video includes a heart-wrenching audio of an actual 911 call made by a sibling who found his twin after inadvertently hanging himself after playing this game, and is directed at teaching children and their parents about this very dangerous trend.

Other Games I Hope My Children Never Play

Chubby Bunny

While the Choking Game is an obvious danger to our kids, other seemingly harmless games have also cost parents their children. The game Chubby Bunny, where players must gradually place increasing amounts of marshmallows (or as my son informed me, Peeps) into their mouths and say the words “Chubby Bunny”, is a choking hazard. The Fish family knows all too well this danger. Their 6^th grade daughter died after choking during this game at a school carnival. We all know stuffing things in our mouths isn’t the safest approach, but the hidden danger is that when marshmallows are used they tend to heat up in the mouth, sometimes almost expanding, and become a gooey consistency that just can’t be removed with the Heimlich remover.

While this isn’t a game that kills children at the rates of the Choking Game, it is one more example of the type of activities that we as parents need to forewarn our children about and give them the correct information and details.

The ABC Game

Sounds fun and innocent, right? In fact, I recently played a version of this with other families around the bonfire in our backyard. The big difference is that our version didn’t involve incessantly scratching the players with our fingernails.

The ABC Game consists of players taking turns naming objects that begin with consecutive letters of the alphabet. The catch is that the kids are scratching the letters of the alphabet into each other’s arms as they go through the game, seeing how far they can go. Not only is the scratching painful, but it can lead to potentially fatal skin infections, as was this case with a 14 year old girl who contracted necrotizing fasciitis and almost lost her life.

Rape Tag

The name alone makes me cringe. Rape Tag is one of those instances where kids just don’t have the maturity to understand the potential consequences of their actions, and where adults need to make sure they are paying attention and making sure these things don’t happen. Just recently a group of young students were found to be playing Rape Tag on the school playground. It is much like Freeze Tag, but instead of a casual “tag”, students were making sexual gestures to release players from their frozen tag state.

We can’t safeguard our children from everything, and we can’t keep them in bubbles of security. I’ve watched my children get sports injuries, had one with a walking cast after getting  stepped on by a horse, and even had one take a stick to the eye falling while tree climbing. I know that there are dangers everywhere for our children. I also know that there are some dangers we can do our best to help them avoid, especially when they aren’t even aware that the game is not really a game at all.

Related posts:

1. Play Like a Caveman with Your Kids
2. 3 Tricks Kids Play on Us
3. The High Court Rules: Kids Should Have Access to Violent Video Games

Decisions, decisions. As adults we can weigh the odds and use our years of experiences and (hopefully) levels of maturity to make the best decisions possible, whether it is which job to pursue or which book to read. However, our kids don’t necessarily have those years of experiences or developed the maturity needed to make solid, sound decisions. So how can we give them the tools to make choices that will enhance their lives, nourish their souls, and take them one step closer to a better life than they were before?

As a mom to 4 children I am constantly looking for ways to strengthen my children’s independent thinking skills and abilities to make positive decisions. Drawn to the book title, Lighting Their Fires, by Rafe Esquith, I was pulled into this quick read and left the last page with a renewed sense of enthusiasm for teaching my children decision-making skills.

Morals and Decision Making

Rafe touches on something that is so paramount in parenting: children make decisions based on their moral codes of behavior. He describes in his book how he uses Lawrence Kohlberg’s six levels of moral development to in essence mark the moral development of his children, including his students. This basic structure includes the following six points.

1. Obedience through Punishment Avoidance – Young children often learn, even inadvertently, that obeying the rules is important because you then won’t be punished. This is the very earliest point of moral development.
2. Exchanges and Favors – Children are motivated to act a certain way because they perceive there will be a reward for their actions.
3. Relationships – This is sometimes known as the “good boy/good girl” stage where children are developing their moral compasses and learning to conform to social expectations for the most part because the actions will please others (without necessarily a reward beyond that).
4. Social Order – At this stage of moral development children are learning to make decisions based on their considerations for society in general. Children at this stage are developing the moral code of respecting authority and making decisions that reflect duty and order in society.
5. Social Contracts – At this higher stage of moral development people not only respect the expectations and guidelines of society, but are able to account for different values and opinions. They are considerate of others and understand that social agreements sometimes need to be changed.
6. Universal Ethics – This is that stage in moral reasoning where you get that gnawing feeling in your gut because the ethical principles to which you have learned to adhere don’t always follow the rules. You are more inclined to follow the internal set of ethics – your conscious.

How Do Morals Affect Decision Making for Kids?

According to Rafe, “Children set off on the path to extraordinary when they dedicate themselves to reaching level 6 on Kohlberg’s scale.” Our children are not born with the tools they need to make the best decisions, so we must equip them and consistently help them move throughout the levels on Kohlberg’s scale. Even if you don’t buy into every level of this model, it is easy to see that if we only make decisions based on a fear of consequences that we won’t ever be able to demonstrate the consideration and ethical focus required of higher decision-making processes.

How Do I Teach My Children Decision Making Tools?

As parents and caregivers we are the first and strongest influencers in our children’s lives. If we are complacent and base our decisions on the status quo – we choose to attend college because it pleases our parents, or landscape our yard to win the neighborhood lawn-care trophy, our decisions are based on external factors and lack the shaping that consideration and ethical principles bring.

Set good examples. You’ve heard it before and it is not always easy to do, but it is necessary.

Remove distractions. Limit mindless activities (such as endless hours in front of the television or video games). It is much easier to make decisions with all of the facts in hand and an on educated platform.

Teach children the value of time – both their own and that of others. Kids who value time, even understanding that it is not fair to make others late because they overslept, understand that consideration is important in relationships.

Read great works of literature with your child. Countless studies have shown that when children learn to assess the situations of characters and empathize with their emotions that they are building their own conscious.

Rely on faith. If you have a faith foundation, use it to teach your children about your beliefs and the reasons for them. Simply dictating rules is not enough – truly open your own heart about your values, fears, and faith.

Work together toward emotional intelligence. Identifying the emotions of themselves and others is a higher level of thinking that leads to better decisions.

Honor their feelings, even when you don’t understand them. Sometimes I have no idea why my child might be acting a certain way – maybe melting on the spot and at risk of crying into a puddle. However, when I demonstrate empathy they learn how to recognize their own feelings, and in turn, have respect for the feelings of others.

Give them opportunities and time. Let them sort out their own opinions and weigh their options, and try to let them make the decision. It might only be which activity to do on a weekend, but they need opportunities to consider the benefits and downsides.

It can be so difficult to watch children flounder as they struggle to make decisions, especially when we feel like we have the right or safe or best answers. I have even heard at least of my kids say, “I just wish I didn’t have to decide!” However, even when the situations are difficult, I always try to remind my kids that they should feel grateful they have a decision to make, because then their life is truly more their own.

Related posts:

1. 7 Childhood Development Strategies For Raising A Go-Getter
2. Preventing The Downward Spiral – 6 Steps for Parents of Teens
3. When you hit a brick wall: 6 steps for dealing with parenting challenges

As amazing and wonderful as being a stay-at-home mom can be, if you don’t plan for the realities of it the stress and responsibilities can be daunting. Over the years I made my fumbles, but thankfully was, and still am, able to stay home with all of my children and be a part of their everyday lives in ways I just don’t think I could if I had taken that dream job.

The Dreaded Budget and Financial Fears

• If at all possible practice with a single-income budget before you make the move to become a stay-at-home mom. Stash your current paycheck into savings and only use the income provided by your spouse. This will give you a real-world sampling of what it will be like to live on one paycheck.
• Consider which things you can comfortably live without in order to reach your goal of living on a single income. Look for things you can remove the expense of and still find similar benefits elsewhere.
• Cable – check out DVDs from your library instead
• Dinner out once week – go for dinner out once a month or take a picnic somewhere so you still feel like you are getting out
• Winter vacations – consider travelling in off seasons for reduced rates
• Gym membership – get together with moms from the neighborhood to work out together (set days/times for meeting to walk) or look for used equipment for the home
• Wine of the month club – treats like this have the price tag of convenience, so make a trip yourself once month to choose your own treat
• Be ready to clip corners and coupons. I became an expert at searching ads and sale prices and knowing when a bargain is truly a bargain.
• Buy in bulk only when there is not a “best buy” date (unless you have a large family). Things like toilet paper and soap have great shelf lives so stock up when you find rock-bottom prices.
• Buy generic, especially when it comes to your staple items. Stores like Aldi’s carry many household basics at fractions of the cost (and the items often come from the same manufacturers, with different labels thrown on them).
• Find ways to be your own service-person. As the mother of 3 sons (one who grows hair like Sasquatch), I quickly realized that haircuts are one area where I can be the salon manager. I invested $24 in a quality “buzz kit” and found a friend who used to work in a salon to give me some quick lessons. Even if I only cut their hair once each year myself, I had paid for the buzz kit the first time I used it. Other ways you can do the job yourself include:
• Car washing
• Dog grooming
• Manicures/pedicures
• Housecleaning
• Yard maintenance
• Simple home repairs (before we ever consider calling in a repair man we check online – someone somewhere else has always had the same problem and posted their solutions)
• Taxes (it can be intimidating the first year, but you can calm your fears by trying it yourself and then taking it in for review)
• Vehicle maintenance (even my 16 year old daughter has changed the oil in the car)
• Use online resources like Freecycle, Vegsource, FatWallet, and Ebates to make the most of your stay-at-home dollar.

Beyond the Budget: Hurdles for Stay-at-Home Moms

Yes – the finances are an obvious obstacle for parents who want to stay home with their children. However, there are other factors that can become hurdles as well, especially if we don’t go into the situation with both eyes wide open. Staying home with the kids has wonderful benefits, but there can be some hidden dangers along the way. If both partners are not on board with the decision you are setting yourself up for resentment and frustration, and much larger problems down the road.

• Make the budget together so there are no surprises.
• Set aside time to be a couple. You will need this even more once you start spending the majority of your time home with the demands of young children, but your partner will also need to know that you still have time and energy for him.
• Clearly set up the expectations of the household. Your partner might think that you staying home means you take on all of the household responsibilities, 7 days a week. If this is not your intention – be up front with it. Tell him you need him to help with dishes on the weekends or vacuuming on Saturday morning.
• Stay-at-home moms have large workloads that just sometimes go unrealized by partners, but approaching the situation calmly and respectfully is better than just wishing he would help more at bath-time but resenting him because he doesn’t.

Birds of a Feather

Find others who are stay-at-home parents for companionship and compassion (you will give and receive both!). Friends who also stay home with their kids are great resources for budget hints, time-saving strategies, and the latest free concerts for the toddlers on weekday morning. You can also take turns babysitting so each of you get that much needed sanity break (even if it is just to run to the grocery store).

The life of a stay-at-home mom is not very glamorous or sadly, highly respected, in many circles. You need to choose this path because it is your passion and because you truly feel it is right for your family. If you do, maybe in the end you will find that it is your dream job, just like I did.

Related posts:

1. Is Your Child Ready to Stay Home Alone?
2. Coping with the Challenges of a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM)
3. Are All Stay At Home Mom’s Equal?

Teenagers grow up quickly enough as it is, and then suddenly they are living much more independent lives with cars keys in hand. As worried as I am about my daughter every time she drives away, I am confident that her preparation was sound, both in driving classes and life experiences, and that my worries can further be eased by implementing a few more driver safety guidelines in our family.

Driver Education

Even though we homeschool, I readily put the responsibility and trust in another source to teach my daughter about the rules of the road from a technical standpoint. My children are probably pretty typical – they are sometimes more apt to listen and less apt to insert their own versions when they are listening to someone other than me – the mom. I wanted her to hear from police officers about road laws and safety. I wanted her to watch the videos that showed the real and immense dangers of car crashes. Yes – I wanted her scared – to a certain point.

If your teenager is ready for driver education, consider the following:

Your own driving – I have never been more conscious of my own driving than when I knew my daughter was paying close attention to my every move. No cell phone use for me and no speeding (even when I felt like I was at a snail’s pace). I even found myself talking out loud about why I made certain driving decisions – such as why I didn’t pass the farm machinery that was making us late.

Cost – Shop around, both for school programs, home programs, and accredited programs in your community. In our area the costs were about equal.

Training – While the costs might have been relatively the same, the experiences of the trainers were vastly different. In the school settings sometimes the driving instructor doubles as the gym coach, and is not a dedicated professional to this specific course. Then there was me – a newbie. For us the formal driving school offered the most experienced staff, and the best 1:1 ratio of learning (outside of home).

Reputation – Talk to other parents and listen to their experiences. We had several formal programs from which to choose, and by far the one we selected had the best reviews.

Driving Apps – Our daughter is using a pretty cool program from State Farm. One portion of it is a paper log the new driver completes with the participation of at least one parent that can later be used to receive insurance deductions. The other part, an app she has on her iPod, records things like acceleration, cornering, and time spent driving. I get a report emailed to me after her trips. Our daughter appreciated the feedback, especially since she doesn’t always have an adult with her for guidance. We appreciate the extra monitoring so we know how things are progressing for her with the newfound independence.

Driving Practice

The first time my daughter drove with her permit, I felt like my mom. My invisible gas and brake pedals on the passenger side were fully engaged as she drove. Even though at first I wished I could close my eyes, I was able to relax myself enough to be the calm, nurturing driving instructor seated next to her. Fortunately for both of us, she is a very cautious driver (maybe those videos helped do the trick!). For more than 6 months we practiced (yes – I needed to practice giving up my invisible pedals).

Start small – The first places our daughter drove with her permit were country back roads with little or no traffic. It is enough for them to get the feel of the wheel; they don’t need rush hour to add to the pressure.

Be calm – I admit that the first few times on the road I opted for my husband to sit next to my daughter in the front seat, leading her way. I managed not to be a backseat driver (but I had my eyes closed a few times).

Gradually add in experiences – We moved from back road driving to city driving, but made sure that we eased into it during times of low-traffic levels. She didn’t practice driving at night for the first few weeks, either. We also eased in winter driving – a Midwest treat with icy and snowy roads.

The sound of silence – She had 3 younger brothers along for many of the rides, but we implemented a low-noise rule when she drives. No or low radio, and no or low sounds from brothers. She’ll have plenty of years to drive with distractions being thrown at her.

Constructive criticism – There were times when my daughter needed gentle reminders or clarifications while driving. I made every effort to deliver these is a quiet tone. Sometimes I waited until she finished driving to go over decisions she made so as not to distract her from her driving.

Affirmation – I will never forget the day we were cruising along at 55 mph with my teen at the wheel. Another driver pulled out directly in front of us to cross the road. My daughter slammed on the brakes, very aware of the situation, even managing to check her review mirror to see if we were in danger from being hit from behind for such an abrupt change of speed. Things went flying off of van seats, but my daughter’s cool remained intact. We narrowly avoided a crash. I gave my child affirmation that she did everything right, and praised her quick actions and choices. As frightening as it was, it gave us a great opportunity to talk about how distracted driving can quickly change things, and you have to be just as concerned about the other drivers. If she had been using a cell phone or otherwise distracted, her reactions would not have been so quick.

More Ways to Prepare My Teenager Driver

As my daughter took the keys for her first time alone, suddenly knowing the road rules weren’t enough. I tried to make sure that she was prepared for anything and everything, and I included the more obvious rules. As she smiled and half-laughed at my mothering, I told her that if she gets to use the car, I get to pretend to be my mom once again!

• No cell phones – at all.
• You must only drive to the destinations we have discussed (today was school, church, and home).
• Upon your arrival you need to text me, and do so again before you leave your destination, and again when you arrive. Basically be your own GPS.
• You may not give a ride to anyone.
• If you are worried you are being followed, drive to a crowded destination with lots of people outside.
• Park under a street light or in a well-lit area, especially if it will be twilight or dark when you enter or exit your car.
• Always lock your car – preferably without leaving the keys in it.
• Always have back-up cash for emergencies.
• Know how to fill the car with gas – and don’t leave it on empty for me!
• When you walk to and from your car, pay attention to your surroundings and keep your keys in your hand (they double as a weapon if needed).
• Come back home. We love you aren’t quite ready for you to let your wings take you too far.

Related posts:

1. Is Your Child Ready to Stay Home Alone?
2. Sleepovers? Deciding if Your Child is Ready.
3. Why Your Child Needs Art

One of the most frustrating thing as a parent can be to hear your child tell you “No!” for various reasons, and it begins almost as soon as they can speak. We also probably wear on their nerves as we tell them “No” for so many things in life. No – you can’t cut your own hair. No – please don’t smear your banana in my hair. No – we aren’t watching that cartoon for the 29^th time.

Life can build as a battle of wills, with both parents and children duking it out with this one, simple word. Despite how frustrating it can be to hear my child tell me, “no”, the older they become they more I know that it is really important that they be able to use this word well. In fact, I hope they learn how to say “no” better than I ever did.

Why is it good for our kids to say no?

It is not something we necessarily want our kids to say to us when we ask them to do their chores or tell them it is time to leave the park. However, our kids will encounter so many situations in life where they will need the confidence and capability to say no.

Refusal skills are valuable tools for children (and everyone) to learn. A good perspective on this matter comes from Dr. Sears when he says that, “It’s necessary for a parent to say “no” to a child so the child can later say “no” to himself.” Beyond being able to regulate our own actions and words, no becomes an assertive tool our children can use to develop independence, security, and strength.

Maintain identity. The world around us and our children asks things of us – to do things, participate in activities, and make choices. When our kids have the confidence to say no, they are more capable of maintaining their identity, their personal preferences, and their true opinions. They learn to say yes to things that they value, and are able to say no when it is not right in their hearts.

Improve self-image. No really is a powerful word, and being able to stand up for yourself and your own beliefs can improve your self-image. I’ve seen my children assert their own beliefs with the word no, and doing so respectfully and confidently can help build a positive self-image. It gives them a sense of independence and that they are capable of making good decisions.

Protect their personal space. It is so important to me that my kids learn to define their personal boundaries – both physically and emotionally. While it can be more comfortable to say yes and avoid confrontation or feel like you are letting down someone, often we give up some of our personal space in return. I want my children to have people and opportunities in their lives because they choose them to be there, not because they were too intimidated to say no to them.

Protect their personal safety. This is obviously an important issue for parents and children. We must teach them to say (and scream) No! if their safety or security is ever threatened. No parent wants to imagine their child being physically or sexually abused. We need to empower them to say no, repeatedly, and to combine that No! with strong body language (kicking, thrashing, drawing attention to the situation).

How do I help my child learn to say no?

Keep a balance. In order for your child to understand the power of the words yes and no, make sure that they are used in balance within the home so they don’t lose their significance. If we overuse “no” with our children they begin to see it as a barrier word, instead of an empowering tool in communication.

Allow for their opinions. When our kids say no to us, we might not want to hear it, but we need to respect their opinions whenever possible. If they are able to express their opposing opinions to us in respectful ways and they get positive feedback from us, it teaches them how to their own ideas with respect and confidence.

Teach non-verbal communication skills. Model good non-verbal communication skills such as maintaining eye contact and using appropriate body language. Eye contact is a powerful tool, and kids can learn to match their “no” with shaking the head and facial expressions that match the language.

Teach them to say more than “no”. Even though no is a clear and simple word, sometimes it is just not enough for some people. Teach your child about saying no and expanding it with their reasons why. “No, I’m not going to skip class because I don’t want to lose my spot on the basketball team and I know my parents will not be happy with that choice.”

Role play. There are certain situations we hope our children never face, but we need to prepare them for those anyway. Role play things like situations of peer pressure. While this can be uncomfortable, it is even more uncomfortable for your child when she is actually faced with these situations and saying “no” seems a lot harder than it sounds.

I’d be a rich woman if I had a penny for every time my kids said “no” to me. It may not be my favorite part of any conversation, but I know that they will be rich in confidence, security, and self-worth when they are able to voice their own opinions and needs – even if it means saying “no”.

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3. Teach Your Kids to Love Learning

Getting kids ready for the day, especially school days, can be like swimming through oatmeal – you keep plowing through, but feel like you are getting sucked back into the mess. Even though we homeschool, our oldest attends college 5 days a week and we still must have a routine in our house for mornings in order to get where we need to be and accomplish our goals. Over the years I have developed a strategy for getting everyone in the house going each morning, and it finally doesn’t just hinge on me being the lead swimmer! Morning routines are so much smoother when everyone plays a responsible part.

1. Put the kids in charge of themselves. As long as I kept pleading with them to get out of bed, begging for some sign of life, they were very comfortable letting me waste my time in the morning acting as their human snooze buttons. Kids know how to work us. If we offer ourselves as their servants in the morning – getting them out of bed, preparing their breakfasts, and readying them for the day – they will use our free labor. They don’t do this because they are cruel creatures, but because this is what we are teaching them to do.

We have to make them responsible for their mornings. I give my kids one wake-up call if their alarms or internal clocks don’t do the job. Sometimes they have had to pay the price for sleeping through all of these options, such as arriving late to class. Your kids might have to serve detention for tardiness in school. These are real consequences that do help teach kids. When they are adults their bosses won’t call them and provide repeated wake-up services, so we only do them a disservice when we take away that opportunity when they are younger to learn how to ready themselves for the day. If their being late impacts you (you are late for work), pass on those consequences to them, such as an extra hour of chores for every 30 minutes you were late.

2. Set them up for success. Yes – kids need to be responsible for getting themselves ready, but you can increase their possibilities for success by giving them the tools to reach it.

• Make sure they have good alarm clocks, and maybe make sure they have more than one. When I first married my husband he had a jeep speaker hooked up to his alarm clock, set on the other side of the room!
• Help them plan out their evening before, as well as their mornings. Sometimes kids run so late because they don’t have realistic expectations about things that need to happen.
• Limit distractions. In our house the computer, cell phones, and iPods are the biggest distractions in the morning, where everyone wants to check in with friends to see what they might have missed overnight. We have a rule that this can’t be done until the kids are ready for the day. It motivates them, helps them stay on task, and keeps me from going insane!
• Keep routines routine. They can’t plan for their morning goals and meet them if you keep changing the bar. If you always need to leave at 7:45, don’t randomly expect them to be ready at 7:30 one day because you have a meeting. Forewarning the night before is best in these situations.

3. Don’t underestimate the power of sleep routines. Make sure you understand how much sleep your kids need, for their ages, their activity levels, and their personal health needs. Teenagers might be harder to wake in the morning, but that is because their natural internal clocks aren’t letting them fall asleep as easily. Especially in homes with several children, make sure all of their needs are addressed.

• It can seem tedious, but stagger bedtimes if that is what is needed to give everyone the rest they need.
• Make sure that those kids who are still awake later in the evening respect the sleep needs and habits of those who are already snoring.
• Create effective sleeping arrangements in your home – lights dimmed, sounds low, temperatures regulated.

4. Start your morning routine the night before. One of the most effective ways I have been able to ease our morning chaos is to have the kids do as much as possible the night before.

• Make a list of the last-minute items needed in the morning
• Pack lunches
• Get backpacks ready with homework and papers signed
• Shower or bathe the night before
• Set clothes and other basics out the night before
• Review with everyone else in the family what the plan is for the following day, especially the morning, if there are new kinks in the routine

5. Consider behavior modification charts. At younger ages the kids in my home always seem to wake up easier, but have a more challenging time remembering everything they need to do in order to be ready for the day on time. We have used behavior charts and chore charts to help them become more independent in the morning and to take the extra “reminding” burden from my shoulders. Depending on their ages a morning routine chart can include things like this:

• Feed pets
• Get dressed
• Make bed
• Eat breakfast
• Brush teeth
• Wash face
• Anything else they need to do before heading out the door or starting their day

The days start early in our home with a 4:15 wake-up alarm for my husband. It is a domino effect after that, with him waking me just before he leaves (he likes his solitude in the kitchen each morning to make his own breakfast and lunch for the day – I distract him too much!). Then the kids are in charge of themselves after that. Yes – some mornings like today I did a door knocking reminder as time seemed to be slipping by, but all 4 children were able to feed themselves, do their chores, and get ready for the day without much harassing from me. They are able to, because they need to do it. Necessity is a wonderful teacher for us all.

Related posts:

1. Help Your Kids Manage Stress
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When my first child was just several months old I did what so many working women do – I stopped breastfeeding because I just didn’t feel capable of doing both. Even though I worked for a very large company, there were no policies for breastfeeding moms, no places in which to discreetly pump during the day, and no extended breaks allowed in order to feed my daughter if she was brought to the office. There were no mothers in my circle of friends and co-workers who breastfed after returning to work, if at all. I felt as if I had failed in that one job that as a mother I was supposed to be able to do.

Breastfeeding, although recommended by the World Health Organization, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and other leading organization as the most complete and best way to feed infants, is still not accepted in so many modern cultures. When it is accepted, it is not always supported and encouraged.

Just as recently as December of 2011, a breastfeeding sit-in was declared in Target stores across America in response to one mother’s reports of ill-treatment after she chose to breastfeed her baby in the store. Employees apparently asked her to move from her spot in the women’s clothing section of the store where she was breastfeeding her baby, completely covered with a blanket, to an even more remote location – a dressing room.

Those who do find offense to breastfeeding appear to be most specifically adverse to it when it is done where they know it is happening. It doesn’t even have to be something that is seen – it can be as innocent as a mother swaddling her baby under a blanket where not even a single tiny toe is visible. The naysayers appear to be afraid that even a glimpse of breast flesh might be seen. Ironic, in a country where you can’t go to the mall without seeing teenagers dressed in less clothing than I wear to the beach, and where movies and television commercials are flooded with more skin than I ever revealed breastfeeding.

The Stigmas of Breastfeeding

In third world countries breastfeeding is a necessity and a completely accepted and encouraged aspect of raising children. However, in industrial nations such as the United States of America, breastfeeding is still looked at as something that is done in large part by 4 groups of moms:

• Throwback hippies (I saw this with all of the love for a generation from which I come)
• Natural pathogen moms who wouldn’t ever consider manufactured foods of any kinds
• Working moms who have more demanding things to do with their time
• Those who are too poor to purchase formula and the necessary supplies

Moms who might consider breastfeeding are often put off by several stereotypes, stigmas, and unfortunate concerns.

• Formula, like wine, is not cheap, especially the good stuff. There is an undercurrent in American society that breastfeeding is something that those who can’t afford formula choose to do.
• Breastfeeding is icky (according to some). There is a stigma that it is gross and perverted to have an infant so dependent on what society has declared to be a purely sexual body part. Our “modernized” society has melded breastfeeding and sexual imagery – two totally separate issues – and has somehow declared breastfeeding in public to be inappropriate. Yet parents can yell at their children during tee-ball games, belittle their children for not doing well enough in school, and ignore their children as they spend more time texting than talking. Somehow our definition of inappropriate has gone askew.
• Breastfeeding reduces your social life. Nothing says “new mom” like when you are out with friends to dinner and a baby nearby begins to cry and you spring a leak in a natural response.
• Breastfeeding your baby means you won’t be able to return to work at full capacity and pursue career goals with vigor.

Yes – there are unfortunately some truths to these stigmas, but only because society hasn’t caught up to reality. They shouldn’t be stigmas and issues that stop moms from providing this wonderful and natural source of nutrition for their babies.

• Breastfeeding does mean restructuring your social life – but so does becoming a parent in general. Good friends at dinner won’t think less of you if you need to pump-n-dump – those who do probably aren’t worth dinner plans anyway.
• Even though the laws are changing, they are still not current with world health opinions and endeavors. Working outside of the home will be more challenging as a breastfeeding mom. You will need to plan ahead and let your employer know how often you will need to pump and work with your employer to find a suitable place to do this and store the milk. It won’t always be easy, but it will be worth your time and your infant’s health and relationship with you. Don’t let it be something you regret like I do.

When my 2^nd child was just days old I became very ill with a high fever and signs of a bacterial infection, and was told I needed to be hospitalized for a round of IV antibiotics. I immediately saw my hopes and plans of breastfeeding for at least the first year of his life begin to fail as I hadn’t even been able to breastfeed long enough to establish a pattern with my newborn – until my stubborn Irish side kicked in and I refused to be admitted to the hospital without my son allowed in my room so I could breastfeed. The hospital staff relented and I was admitted for 3 days of treatment with him at my side.

That baby, and his brothers who followed, were all breastfed for at least the first year of their lives, despite the roadblocks and stigmas that modern society tends to place on the choice. Don’t let the breastfeeding backlash stop you from providing your child with the best nutritional and developmental start possible – even if you aren’t Irish.

Related posts:

1. Using Kangaroo Mother Care to Support Breastfeeding
2. Breastfeeding in Public – How to Make It Work
3. Breastfeeding: Challenging and Really Doable

Yes – I’m a type A personality planner and list-maker. My natural tendency is to make a plan and a list of the things that I need to do in order to accomplish my goals, sometimes just a collection of mental calculations and supplies needed. Even if you are far from a list-maker and traditional planner, parenting plans are wonderful ways to build strong relationships with your children, and help to understand yourself as a person even better. I’m not asking you to draw up a formal contract with yourself, but just consider a few of the basic ideas for a parenting plan.

What is a parenting plan?

A parenting plan is a personal roadmap for you as a parent, developed by you to meet the individual and specific goals of your family. It will help you determine what type of relationship you want with your children, how you hope to help them grow, and specifically what you can do to make those things happen.

It is never too late for a parenting plan.

Whether you are just considering starting a family, are new parents to a precious baby, or are moving through tween years, now is the time for a parenting plan.

Learn as much as you can about parenting styles.

I’m not going to tell you to choose just one specific parenting style. Every child is unique, and parenting styles need to be positive approaches that work for both you and your children. Some of the parenting styles that you might encounter as you develop your plan include:

• Emotion Coaching
• Parenting for Success
• Christian Parenting
• Unconditional Parenting
• And more!

There is no one right and perfect parenting style, as there is no one right and perfect parent. Sometimes I find myself using certain strategies from one style, but pulling from others in different situations with my children. It is important, however, to remain consistent with your children as they thrive on trusting you and knowing what to expect from your relationship. If you think you are hearing or reading about a parenting style that seems to “click” with you, ask yourself if the methods involved will help you reach your family’s goals.

Make goals.

These goals should be both long-term and short-term, and can include everything from helping your baby learn how to sleep peacefully at night to raising a daughter into a young woman who isn’t afraid of challenges. Brainstorm ideas on any conceivable parenting issue you can imagine:

• Sleep – Co-sleeping, child-directed sleep patterns, and more options await parents. Some parents choose methods and work to find ways to meet these goals, and sometimes there aren’t any goals other than to get some sleep at night!
• Discipline methods – I knew right away I didn’t want to spank my kids, but I still needed to find discipline methods that worked and meshed with my other goals.
• Education – We homeschool, but that wasn’t in our original plans. We had to make sure homeschooling helped us to reach the other goals we had for our children. In our first discussions about it we wondered how we would be able to help our children grow to be outgrowing, independent, confident people if what we heard about the stereotypes of homeschooling were true – thank goodness those stereotypes were wrong!
• So many more options – the list is infinite what you might include for parenting issues, and these issues will change along the way.

Envision reaching your parenting goals.

What do you think it will feel like to reach your goals? If the goal is having your child sleep through the night, 7 hours of slumber can make you feel wonderful! However, if you and your child have to get there by spending 3 months of agony through trying “crying it out” methods, how will reaching your goals feel compared to if you could have achieved it with less stress? What will be the long-term results of using this method?

Work with your partner.

Have you ever tried to walk against a strong current? That is what it can feel like if you aren’t working together with your child’s other parent (whether married, divorced, or sharing custody). Raising children requires teamwork, and wonderfully effective parenting demands a united front from parents. Even if you have the same goals, it can be impossible to reach those if you are aren’t using the same methods – remember – kids need consistency.

Don’t be afraid to change your plans.

Families are unique and we need to honor our individual needs and goals. Some of my personal parenting goals, such as raising emotionally connected sons and an independent daughter do not waiver on my importance scale. Other goals, however, have changed. Before I became a mom, the only consideration I gave homeschooling was a negative one, but now we find it to be one of the best things about our family. When you give yourself room to change with your family, you acknowledge that we all, even parents, have learning and growing to do still.

A glimpse at my plan

This is in no way a complete vision of my parenting plan, but it will give you an idea of how a parenting plan looks.

Goal: Raise children who value learning and understand how to find information and enlighten themselves and others.

Methods:

• Use ideas from Emotion Coaching and Parenting for Success to make sure that I meld the emotional and the intellectual aspects – they can’t operate well apart.
• Don’t do things for my children that they can do themselves because it will take away their confidence and initiative.
• Homeschool as long as it works for us. This lets our kids have self-direction in their education.
• Work with my kids to help them identify their passions and talents and find ways to pursue those (classes, coaches, job shadowing, curriculum, etc.).

This is just a small portion of even this one goal in my own personal parenting journey. Some of my goals are much smaller, such getting the two older children not to bicker over who gets to sit in the front seat, while some of them are more monumental on ongoing, such as raising children who are compassionate and capable of recognizing and apologizing for the wrongs they do (a wonderful family goal).

If we don’t know what we want, need, and hope for our children, how can we know how to parent effectively? If you haven’t given it much thought, no matter how old your children are, just try to develop a parenting plan that speaks to the heart of your family. When we do this as parents, we give a gift to our children, but also to ourselves.

Related posts:

1. A VERY Unconventional Child Behavior Modification Plan
2. How to Get Started with a Child Behavior Modification Plan
3. What is Christian Parenting?