When you have presence, you have charisma and people are attracted to your authenticity. A shared laugh can shift people’s impression of you from mechanical to genuine. In that moment, they will be attracted to you as an appealing leader. It creates an aura of good feelings and you get the credit.

When we establish belonging, we have people we can call on to help us reach our goals- networks, mentors, and friends! By laughing at others jokes and finding humour in everyday situations, we share good feelings, and we create deeper connections. It is affiliative, which makes us more approachable and breaks down barriers.

Humour also supports us by increasing our resiliency. The ability to laugh at ourselves gives us the courage to take on risks and helps us recover more quickly from setbacks. Finding the levity in things that didn’t go as planned gives others permission to do the same. In retrospect our failures make for the best (and most amusing) stories later. We simply need a little time to see that.

When there are so many advantages to using humour why do we take ourselves so seriously? Are we afraid of losing credibility? Or do we fear that if we laugh no one will laugh along with us? There is too much pressure to be normal and fit in when we could be held in much higher regard by using humour. Others that make us laugh are awarded a higher status.

I have a big, loud laugh and early in my career I worried that I might need to tone down my sense of humour to be considered promotable. Yet, I came to learn the opposite to be true. Because I laughed and found the funny in things people liked working on projects with me. My easy laughter was infectious, and they laughed too.

Using humour also made my ideas more memorable. When working at a company that produced potassium and phosphate, I included this quote in our company annual report “Lucious asparagus is full of potassium and phosphate and offers extra energy. That may be why French bridegrooms once dined on three courses of asparagus the night before the wedding”. It was risky but I considered our corporate culture as well as our audience and felt that it would fly. Our management laughed, while our investors enjoyed the levity. They most certainly remembered the benefits of our product!

Humour also points out issues. As the lone woman attending management meetings, I would watch the men in our office get up and exit the conference room leaving the table covered in coffee cups. Knowing their secretaries were busy I would gather up the cups and say, “Don’t worry guys I’ll get this. As a woman I have a biological need to clean up”. They recognized the sarcastic humour and then chuckled. Most importantly, they got the message and picked up after themselves, alleviating their secretaries of that duty.

I also used self-deprecating humour, especially as I moved up the corporate ladder. The higher you rise the more you can safely laugh at yourself. In lower positions you don’t want to diminish people’s perceptions of your work so it is better to laugh at topics outside work. I would tell disastrous cooking stories such as ruining the holiday turkey.

Learn to laugh by jumping at opportunities to lighten the mood. Laugh at others jokes and see the humour in things like trying to find the bathroom in a revolving restaurant. Give funny names to projects- I remember calling one road show group ‘Team Dirt” and our guys reveled in it. They embraced the title and it led to many more jokes as team members cited their attempts to live up to their name. There is nothing like being the straight man to create interaction.

Ultimately, careers are built on relationships and it’s hard to resist those who connect with humour. There was once a stock analyst that I was trying to win over but he was adamant that he didn’t have time for me. He was very buttoned up and very bookish as demonstrated by his monochromatic striped ties. I told him that if he would step outside his comfort zone, he’d do well by covering our company and in my estimation that would happen when he started wearing wild ties. In turn, that became my mission. I sent him many bright, colourful ties and we had lots of laughs as he continued to wear his ‘boring’ ties. One day he came to a meeting where we were presenting in New York wearing one of the wild ties I had sent him and announced he had put out a buy on our company. Then we laughed about that! Clearly, you can establish relationships, make a point and still have fun by using humour.

I firmly believe that by using laughter I increased my presence, belonging and resilience and it provided me with happy times at work. I grounded myself in humour and was rewarded with a more successful career. We don’t need more professionalism, we need more human connection and as the well known quote goes, “laugh and the world laughs with you”.

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It doesn’t mean they live a problem free existence without difficulties. We all have challenges and issues. We might face divorce or financial insecurity, miscarriages, or disease. Yet, when threatened, provoked or uncertain some can maintain composure and a positive outlook. They capability handle one crisis after another, always staying calm under pressure.

Furthermore, they can work harmoniously with everyone, even those they don’t prefer. Rather than second guessing themselves they have fewer worries, fears, and anxieties. Things flow naturally for them, and they always seem to know the right time to act.

A historical character that demonstrates this balanced calmness in today’s books and movies is the detective Sherlock Holmes. He is constantly exposed to multi-faceted problems with no easy solutions and despite this he always keeps a cool temper and even demeanor.

He needs to think logically to analyze situations to act on them quickly and he couldn’t do that if he were out of balance. Instead, Holmes moves cases forward using his keen observation skills small and nuanced baby step movements. Nothing is done to excess as that would throw him off balance and that’s not how cases are won!

Benjamin Franklin also believed in these small step movements saying that self-monitoring was the path to becoming noble. He advocated for thoughts and activities moving together in tandem- not using one without the other.

There is a lesson in here: small incremental movements without wild extremes keeps us balanced. (Think of the tightrope walker).

Some of the many benefits to balance are: increased energy, less drama, a better outlook, less concern about others’ opinions of you, more confidence in your decisions, more harmony in your life, less concern about material things and even a better sleep each night!

How to get there? It’s individual – what works for you may not work for others. It takes trial and error and it’s a process. But one thing I know for sure: inner peace starts with loving yourself.

When you love yourself, you practice self-care and that means looking after your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. When you practice self-care, you feel good about yourself and and you project this positive energy towards others. It improves your relationship with yourself as well as the people around you.

So, recharge during the day and systematically restore your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual energy to keep it balanced. Don’t lean too hard into anyone of these areas. There is no ‘either/or’ with inner peace. It comes from balancing all four energy centers.

With Physical Energy you must give to get. Expend physical energy to get more back. We have to move our bodies. Some are energized by the efficiency of a gym, some the motivation of playing on a team, while others are stimulated by a sensuous sunset stroll or a centering Tai Chi class. As I said, it’s all individual. Some people think that if they don’t exercise for an hour, it’s not worth it but even 5 minutes of taking deep breaths while stretching can get you back in balance. Remember the value of small increments!

For Mental Energy visualize success and focus on positives. Practice- no regrets! Look for lessons in perceived failures and see the growth you’ve achieved from past mistakes rather than having regrets. Accept that mistakes are part of moving forward and accept that there will be more in the future. Let go of black and white thinking as it drains your energy. Instead of thinking “I am competent or incompetent, fair or unfair, good or bad”, it is much more helpful to expand your thinking by saying, “I can be wrong AND competent”. That’s the working in tandem recommended by Benjamin Franklin.

For Emotional Energy practice gratefulness and appreciation. Inner peace comes from loving what you have rather than complaining about what you believe is wrong or missing in your life. A grateful heart results in greater contentment. Happiness comes from looking for things to be happy about. I am a big believer in the value of humour to elevate my emotions. Find the funny in things. Laugh easily and laugh often. Also, look for the beauty in things. When stressed look for a beautiful object to admire. Appreciate your friends and forgive their imperfections.

For Spiritual Energy connect above yourself and beside yourself. To connect with something greater than myself I meditate. Because this is all very individual you might prefer yoga or listening to a guided meditation on an app or podcast. To connect with others, I practice thinking positive thoughts about those I work with, especially those who might be adversarial. Before speaking with someone about a problem I always silently bless them and that changes the energy between us. Spirituality at work is about being mindful of the highest good for all.

Restore your energy deliberately throughout the day (consider it like a vitamin pill). For example: Having lunch with a friend gives you emotional energy? Schedule it! For physical and emotional energy plan time in park with the kids after dinner. Read a book of poems or daily meditations before bed for spiritual energy. Practice affirmations or do Wordle for mental energy.

Each of these activities not only keeps you balanced it will create work/life balance as you get up from your computer to do things to systematically restore your energy centers. As you become balanced people will automatically be attracted to you, and you’ll confidently know exactly the right thing to do in every situation. You will feel inner peace.

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Eventually, I smashed into the back of the playhouse and hit the ground with a big thud. Dad hurried to pick me up and dust me off. Then he put me back on the bike, and we did it again. After several failed attempts, suddenly everything just clicked. I was riding and was in total ecstasy. There I was, pedaling and adjusting, pedaling, and adjusting, as my dad’s words of encouragement grew fainter in the distance. I had done it. I had learned how to ride my bike. When I returned, my father hugged me, and I was on top of the world.

I learned that I could only balance by moving forward and I couldn’t lean too far on either side. I needed to pedal and adjust; pedal and adjust… Little did I know that this was going to be the basis of being a working mother, a successful corporate executive and lifelong learner.

Becoming a balanced person is no different from learning to ride a bike. It takes a vision for what you want to accomplish, the courage to try, and the perseverance to get back on the bike and try again after each tumble. Use the experience of riding a bike to recognize that with all polar opposite attributes you can’t access only one or the other or you will topple and fall. You pedal with one attribute and then turn to its polar opposite. Then back to the original making small adjustments. When you are balanced, you enter a state in which the things flow naturally, and you always seem to know the right time to pedal and adjust.

For example, think about yourself but not too much before you think about others. If you lean too hard into being a group member you can lose the value of your individuality. And if you lean too hard on being an individual you can suffer from human detachment. Another example would be listening and speaking. Pedal to listen and then to speak. That is the value of a conversation. If you listen too much you don’t develop your voice and if you speak too much you will monopolize, and others will tune out. If you have too much we- insert some me. If you find yourself being too direct- try offering support. If you allow too much, insert some boundaries. Too much competition- collaborate! I could continue to go on, but you get the picture…

While each of us is more successful when using the balance of two polarized attributes, one will likely feel more natural than the other. It is no different from being right- or left-handed—one just feels better. Thus, we are most apt to turn to it first. Additionally, because it is the most familiar and the most comfortable, we are likely to consider it the most valuable making overuse very easy. When looking back at our achievements, we will almost always give the credit to the characteristic that set us apart. We take pride in that so when we are attached to an outcome and really want to demonstrate good performance it becomes natural to dial it up to the extreme.

That overuse means that strengths become weaknesses, but the great news is that they can be turned back into strengths by inserting some of its opposite. Most of us are reluctant to adopt our opposite traits because we have been conditioned to place a high value on our personal strengths and to consider them the superior and only option.

For example, if we pride ourselves on our directness, we may find it difficult to see the value in our being reserved. But it is the use of such combinations that will make us more successful. Similarly, those prone to action will fare better when they stop for reflection, as will those who insert a little caution into their confidence.

Balance is important in life and like when riding a bike, it’s not static. It requires nuanced movements left or right to maintain an upright position while moving forward. With time, we will gain confidence about when to pedal, when to glide, and when to adjust. Eventually, we will shift between polar opposites so smoothly that we won’t even think about it. it will feel natural and we’ll simply conclude, “This is just me being me.” And … it is!

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Our need for community started with our ancestors on the savannah who joined together for their very survival. They hunted together, cooked together, raised their children together and created culture together as they told stories around the bonfire. After being passed down through the generations this need for togetherness became part of our DNA, so we seek the shared experience and that comes with belonging.

Having a community of support provides many mental and emotional benefits. It is gratifying and fulfilling and overcomes feelings of isolation- we don’t feel alone. Belonging increases our resilience, helping us cope better during difficult times. Also, working together on collective goals is motivating. It gives us energy to excel and reach beyond what we thought was possible.

The community could be large, like your city where you join with others to establish something significant such as building a new wing at a hospital or an arena for your sports team. It could be a medium sized community like your workplace where you find commonality with team members to accomplish sales or production targets. A small tight community could be the bonding experience experienced with your family on its annual camping trip. And of course, there are many more communities with groups for knitting, walking, spirituality, cycling etc.

In each of these communities belonging comes from making an effort and trying. For example, by being aware of the woman standing alone at a meeting reception you can cross the room to engage her. From your conversation you may find she has opposing political views so it’s important to accept that her experience is different than yours. You can still find common ground and be part of the same community.

It may be hard at first to step outside your comfort zone and speak to a stranger, but it will get easier with time. In the same way it can be hard to accept that those in your group carry different opinions on topics that are important to you. This too can be overcome by focusing on the goals you wish to achieve together. Despite differences there can still be meaningful connections between you.

There is no better example of finding belonging amongst those that are different than in the 2009 movie ‘E.T.’. When a group of alien’s visit earth one or their members named E.T. is left behind. He is soon befriended by a 10-year-old boy and his group. Their physical differences and past experiences could not have been greater, but they formed a different kind of friendship and shared a mission to return E.T. home.

To be part of a group you must focus on the group. That means more ‘we’ and less ‘me’. Learning that it isn’t all about you is harder for some than others but to establish belonging it’s a reality. Rather than making autonomous decisions about what you want to do, instead cultivate awareness by listening and watching body language to determine what others in the group would like to do. Accept that there is value in going with the flow. While the activity may not be what you wanted, the result may actually turn out better!

Do a self-awareness inventory of your interests and seek an organization comprised of others who share your passion. Volunteer at a pet shelter, food bank, art studio, hospital or music festival and you’ll naturally establish a community with like-minded individuals. Those similarities and shared values will increase the bonding.

True belonging comes from presenting our authentic selves to the world, so our belonging is predicated on our level of self-acceptance. When we accept ourselves, we naturally accept others, and that inclusiveness will make them feel that they belong as well. When they feel the comfort and security of belonging it encourages them to use their voice to effect change and we all benefit.

The 2016 film ‘Lion’ tells the true story of a 5-year-old Indian boy named Saroo who is separated from his birth family and later adopted by an Australian couple. As a young adult he struggles with his identity, feeling a deep desire to reconnect with his authentic self and his Indian family. Ultimately, he travels back to India, solves the jig saw puzzle of where he was born and reconnects with his heritage. Embracing his authentic self allows him to feel he belongs to both families.

For both E.T. and Saroo belonging was tied to coming home. And that really characterizes the feeling. We come home to experience the security and comfort of the collective, the awareness of our true selves, the acceptance of our authentic selves and the sincere acceptance of others. As humans we are wired to belong. When we overcome isolation with connection good things happen.

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Neuroscientist Robert Provine, studied laughter and concluded that laughter is an important part of mating. Men are attracted to women who laugh in their company. His study showed that female participants laughed 126 percent more than males. Could a critical indicator of a healthy romantic relationship be women who laugh?

Regardless, both men and women benefit from the warm relationships enhanced by laughter so here’s some thoughts for setting the environment and increasing levity…

Laughter is contagious, which is why there are all those laugh tracks on TV sit-coms. I have learned from personal experience that you don’t have to be funny to make people laugh. You just have to find the funny in things. Laugh and others will laugh along with you.

I don’t tell a good joke or come up with a fast quip so I don’t consider myself funny. Yet, others have told me they consider humour to be one of my skills. I have come to realize that I laugh easily and that laughter is infectious. People laugh when they spend time with me so they remember me as being funny. I am not afraid to tell stories on myself (especially about my poor cooking ability) and I find being delighted is effortless. My advice is that none of us need to look for ways to be funny- we just need to look for ways to laugh.

In my corporate job I laughed so hard with those in my department that the CEO walked down the hall and asked if we were having a party! When we married I told my husband that his only job was to make me laugh. At both work and at home I find laughter useful in finding common ground, relieving tension and setting boundaries.

Laughing is a form of non-verbal communication. When you laugh with another you share and create a bond. Dr. Robin Dunbar, a British anthropologist from Oxford University researched the role of social laughter on an individual’s well-being. His studies show that laughter fosters closeness the way grooming, patting, and delousing promotes and maintains bonds between primates. Gorillas pick bugs and humans laugh- these methods are one in the same to express that we are couples!

One word of warning: Humour is not teasing as that most often weakens relationships. Patrice Oppliger, author of ‘The Dark Side of Stand-Up Comedy’ says that humans derive humor from ridiculing others and punching down. What may be funny for those higher on the ladder is often hurtful for those below who are the target of the joke. Such humour is counter-productive when the goal is to strengthen the relationship. In fact, Mayo clinic found that aggressive and mocking humour is associated with depression and higher anxiety, which clearly isn’t a warmer relationship!

Laughing together could come from watching a funny movie but its more meaningful if the shared laughter comes from shared stories. Mishaps are worth their weight in gold as it is often the worst incidents that end up being the funniest later. The plane that didn’t take off and left you stranded? The toilet wouldn’t flush at your friend’s special brunch? Terrific! Think how funny this will be with a little time and space. When I was growing up and it felt like catastrophe had hit my Mom would say, “This will make for a great story later” and she was always right.

To develop the funny stories of your relationship say ‘YES’ a lot. For example, it’s my personal policy to never leave a country without a local spa treatment. Thus, I have stories to tell of standing naked in front of a roaring fire in Ecuador while the therapist hit me with sage brush and spit into the fire and another where a healer in Panama melted crayons in her backyard to cure my headache and it worked!

My husband and I like to travel and we recently made a list of our favourite travel memories. Many of them revolved around a funny incident and shared laughter. He is a fussy eater and we once stayed at a lovely inn with a very foodie restaurant. He forgot his glasses and couldn’t read the menu. I knew there wasn’t anything he would like so I suggested the risotto with chicken which was actually rabbit. All throughout dinner he kept exclaiming that this was the best and most succulent chicken he had ever eaten. Later in the room I confessed that he had eaten rabbit and we’ve laughed about that for more than 20 years.

So, say yes to life, delight in it, share stories and laugh. Laugh and your partner will most certainly laugh with you. It’s the secret to warmer relationships and a scientifically proven predictor of happiness.

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When we forgive, we choose to see and accept the goodness in others. That allows us to find goodness in ourselves and ultimately feel the universal goodness flowing through us. Each resonates with the energy of the other. I find this concept from “Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditation” distributed by the Center for Action and Contemplation, meaningful and inspiring.

Start by defrosting ingrained thoughts which have hardened like ice cubes. These thoughts probably demand justice, vengeance, and retribution for your perceived hurts and grudges. Next, make a commitment to forgive now, rather than putting it off. This will release you from the limits of quid-pro-quo thinking and mental score keeping. Both are crazy making.

The longer we wait to forgive others the more difficult it becomes. Forgiving gets harder with time as we become more entrenched in our position, with an increasingly bigger investment of self-delusion to overcome.

Unfortunately, we feel justified in our illusions as we live in a world of dualistic thinking. We see others as separate from ourselves and view the world in terms of the polar opposites of good and bad when all things are created with a mixture of both.

Finding the good in ourselves and others while also acknowledging that each of us have weaknesses means we no longer allow faults to destroy our relationships. It’s natural to want to divide the heroes from the villains, the selfish from the generous and the liars from the truthtellers but it’s not possible.

Human nature proves that sometimes we are thoughtful and sometimes we are thoughtless, sometimes we are considerate and sometimes we are ill-mannered. Awareness and acceptance of this frees us from the trap of our judgements.

By recognizing our shared humanity and accepting others as members of the same human family we are open to experience the goodness of forgiving.

Nelson Mandala the first President of South Africa following the apartheid is a perfect example. He was human and had character flaws but showed great leadership through his capacity to forgive. In 1995 South Africa was hosting the World Cup in Rugby and he wanted to use this event to help unite the country. But the anger between the white and black citizens ran deep. He was quoted as saying, “Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear and that is such a powerful weapon”. The success of his plan is told in the book and subsequent film “Invictus”.

One of the things he did to help people understand was consider the larger context. He reminded the black citizens that while they had been in the country originality the white settlers had also been there for many generations and considered it home as well. If we look at any perpetrator, we can learn something about what led to the person causing harm. It doesn’t excuse them, but the context helps us understand and see their humanity.

I practiced this at work when I believed others had harmed me. Once a colleague undermined my direction on a project in a particularity negative way. Initially I was hurt and confused. Why was she so angry and unreasonable? Then I considered her circumstances. When I realized that her sister was in the hospital with cancer it all made sense and rather than being irate, I felt compassion. That made it much easier to forgive.

Each of us are flawed. If my sister was dying in the hospital, I would be mad at the world as well and would likely look for someplace to exert my control. If I had been born a member of the white ruling class in South Africa, I might have had ingrained negativity and dismissed others with disdain. None of us wants to admit that but we are human. To find the goodness in ourselves and others we must accept our shortcomings and forgive. Feeling goodness will be the best gift of the holiday season.

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Those with good oratory skills are often considered to be natural leaders but true leaders know that opportunities are unleashed from listening. Afterall leadership is not something we do to others, it is something we do with others. While the principles of listening and speaking are simple on the surface it is important to recognize that a successful communication comes from both and as Corley learned listening should outweigh speaking. Maybe that’s why my Grandma used to remind us that we have 2 ears and 1 mouth? Consider it like a scavenger hunt where you are listening to find the hidden leadership gems and business opportunities.

I’d like to be able to say that I have always been a good listener, but unfortunately that is not the case. Once I served on a board that represented a very fractured and polarized community. One side saw value in the organization and the other wanted it disbanded. Neither side gave the other even the slightest leeway. Any positive news released by the board was labeled as lies by the anti-organization group, while the group that favored the organization minimized any negative news and loudly cheered its successes. Both were so entrenched in their positions that all information was used to reinforce their existing belief systems. This combative atmosphere meant that finding common ground was nearly impossible.

Since I was appointed as an independent board member and not associated with either group, each wanted to win me over to their side. They took turns lobbying hard to sway me to their way of thinking. Most days I was a pretty good listener, but on one specific day, I was not. Representatives from the anti-group had arrived at my office without an appointment on a particularly busy day. In spite of being tired and impatient with their continued antics, I agreed to see them and escorted them to the boardroom.

After listening for a short time to their one-sided recycled arguments, which I had heard many times before, I impetuously decided to let them know how childish and unproductive the bickering was. Speaking with the power of conviction, for several impassioned minutes I admonished them for their part in the organization’s deadlock. They sat silent and eyes wide with obvious resentment. Although I knew it was useless and not a good idea, I carried on capitalizing on the opportunity to finally unload. Obviously, I had a lot of pent-up frustration because I concluded the meeting by telling them that I was busy and tired of them wasting my time. I’m not proud of this.

They soon left, but that wasn’t the end of it. Deciding that if I wasn’t for them, I was against them, they then set out to destroy my reputation. They started by writing an inflammatory letter to my company CEO saying that I was unprofessional and calling into question my personal ethics. It was hugely embarrassing to be in such a position, and I beat myself up pretty good for my impulsive antagonistic behavior.

Sheepishly, I reported the incident to the board of the polarized organization at the next meeting. Thankfully, they were very understanding. In hindsight, I can see that I wanted to openly listen to the complaints of the anti-group, but when I realized that anything short of totally acquiescing to their point of view wouldn’t be acceptable, I lost it.

As I demonstrated, those with an excess of Masculine Energy will speak with too much bravado and over-assurance to try and push their ideas through by continuing to speak, even when people have stopped listening. They will monopolize the conversation and not only lose the listener but also the relationship. On the Feminine Energy side, if we listen too much without forming our own opinions, we’ll never find our own voice. A good conversation includes both listening and speaking, where you express your opinion while openly hearing what others have to say. This ability to create a positive flow which overcomes the resistance in ourselves to control the conversation can take years to achieve and it starts with self-awareness.

Here are a couple of things I found helped me be a better listener:

1. Make a commitment to listen to those with whom you disagree. Think how much agony and embarrassment I could have saved myself by leaving my preconceptions at the door of that meeting. It will be difficult at first but listen with patience and without judgment.

2. Ask what is at stake for the other person. Try to comprehend what matters to them, not what you believe matters. As management guru Dr. Stephen R. Covey said, “If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Listening well can be learned. It may take a little more time and as I showed it demands a readiness to slow down. Learning from those with whom you disagree allows you to let go of expectations and judgments. While this may seem boring it can provide the space to strengthen relationships and benefit from a number of different perspectives.

By listening to another you validate them and a creative force is released that brings fresh ideas to the surface. Maybe that’s the key to those ultra-wealthy that listen 5 times as much as they talk? They discover some extraordinary opportunities that others miss. Let’s take a page from their book and the listening scavenger hunt can begin!

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Too often we sit passively, not doing other things but also not paying attention. It’s like we have turned off the sound on the TV! Other times we only hear the things with which we agree, we tune out dull topics or jump to conclusions assuming the point the speaker is making. Then, instead of listening, we interrupt!

True listening goes beyond hearing. We need to be actively engaged. Listening closely, requires really paying attention and endlessly focusing every molecule of our being to truly hear. The Benedictines describe listening carefully as attending to others with the ‘ear of your heart’. A good listener not only takes in the words, they note changes in the tone of voice, verbal ques and body language to understand what is being said.

If we are truly attentive, we will be prepared to take action on what we hear. Without the openness to accept what you hear or willingness to make change, it is not apparent that we have actually heard the other’s words at all. I watched this happen so often in my corporate career when a weak manager would ask about a problem and rather than listening to the answer, they would be planning a convincing rebuttal in their head. On the flip side, the real leaders, asked, openly listened and were ready to make change based on what they heard. These leaders built trust and garnered respect.

Its difficult to listen to others that have opposing viewpoints, especially those we see as uncaring, misogynistic, racist or intolerant. If we have made a commitment to listen, how do we deal with that? Remember that just because you listen it doesn’t mean that you have to agree or corroborate polarized opinions. Remind yourself that you are listening to better understand them – to practice and grow your own tolerance.

As Dale Carnegie said, “Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism, and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness”.

But listening to contrary opinions, especially those delivered with an overabundance of emotion is easier said than done. When you find yourself ready to react, pay attention to the sensations in your body and focus on your breathing. Release the pressure that wants to judge the other and defend your personal views. Look at yourself from above and try to stay curious enough to be changed by what you hear. Listening does not validate other’s opinions, it validates them as a member of the human race. And that in turn validates you. We are all part of the whole of humanity.

In addition to listening to others, we need to listen to ourselves. Most of us ignore the inner voices that support and guide us and we need to LISTEN to them! Abraham Lincoln called this the “better angels of our nature.” Deep inside each of us is a kind, inclusive self that can be trusted. Reflection gives us access to acknowledge that inner voice and by listening to it we will act from our highest self for our greater good. Reflection also slows us down as we patiently wait for our inner wisdom to come through. It can be scary though as true listening is an act of surrender. Who knows how it could change us to really listen and act upon it?

True listening to others and to ourselves is really another mindfulness practice. In the same way that giving our full attention to washing the dishes and admiring the bubbles in the soap or listening to the rich overtones in the song of a bird, listening allows us to be fully present. And when that happens we open heart communication. Listening without interruption and with our full being allows true communication to occur. Listening with love is the benefit of the Feminine whether you are a man or a woman.

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There are magnetic people in every company and those people can be any age or gender. Others are attracted to them, want to work with them and naturally follow them. When you look more closely you’ll find that they are balanced between the polar opposites of Masculine and Feminine Energy. Their dynamic wholeness demands our undivided attention. There is something about the equilibrium that soothes our soul and pacifies our subconscious.

Maybe it is like the golden mean in geometry? This perfectly balanced ratio is seen in such famous architectural creations as the Great Pyramids and the Parthenon, as well as in the paintings of Renaissance artists Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo. These balanced works are reassuring and innately satisfying. People are attracted to them in the same way they are to those magnetic leaders, those who have the magical ‘it’ characteristic of presence.

Presence would fetch a high price if it could be bottled and sold, but for many, acquiring this precious commodity proves difficult. Yet. Like the golden mean, it comes alive when others subliminally recognize you as stable yet stimulating.
 
I first recognized these dynamics years ago while conducting a research project for a university class on social networks. It was fascinating to see the way that everyone wanted to work with a select few individuals. When I looked more closely at the attributes of these magnetic people, I found that they were not only confident and capable but also cooperative, encouraging, and validating. Others benefited from their expertise, yet found working alongside them pleasant and amiable.

Later, during my tenure with Xerox Canada, one of my responsibilities as a salesperson was surveying customers to ensure product satisfaction. While we strove to deliver good-quality copies to every customer, I noticed that there were distinct differences in how those copies were perceived. If a repair person cared about their customer, the customer not only liked them but also would accept substandard copies. In fact, they would rate their copies as excellent! Conversely, even top-notch copies would be rated below average if those doing the repairs didn’t act as if they cared about the customer.

Both situations drove home that if you care about others, it can positively influence their perception of your ability. Such is the significance of Feminine Energy. In our production-oriented society, we have tended to undervalue the benefits of Feminine Energy, but this is a reminder, once again, that Masculine Energy isn’t appreciated without it.

By balancing Feminine Energy caring and connection with the confidence and competence of Masculine Energy, people have the magnetic gift of presence. When both characteristics are present, the sum total is enhanced.

Balanced leaders know it’s not enough to have skills and be competent; it is equally important (and maybe more so) to be likeable and form relationships. When these characteristics are delivered together, both are enhanced—you become a magnet.

So how can we be sure we demonstrate both competence and the equally (if not more) important likeability to become a leadership magnet? Develop your Masculine and Feminine energy. Those deemed to be competent and dependable display Masculine Energy attributes such as analysis, taking action and focusing on results. Everyone wants to work with, or for, someone who brings a project in on time and on budget, especially when that proficient person is also personally appealing.

Appealing individuals display attributes such as collaboration, consensus building, listening, empathizing and caring for others. These are all indicative of accessing Feminine ‎Energy. Sprinkling a healthy dose of these characteristics over those you interact with will make you more likeable. Everyone is aware of their own imperfections, and if you can make others feel safe about revealing their vulnerabilities, they will perform better for you and up to their highest potential.

Whether you are a man or a woman, you have both Masculine and Feminine Energy in you. Your job is to coax these energies out, embrace them and express yourself through them. Both men and women are prone to turn their back on Feminine Energy in an attempt to get the job done in our production-oriented work environments. We’ve been socialized to believe that it is all about proficiency, but as we’ve seen, the results of competent individuals, who are not considered likeable, can be viewed as subpar.

It is well worth it to take time to ask others how they are doing and really listen to the answers. Rather than passing others over in a group to reach resolution on a decision, pull ideas out of those quiet ones. This improves brainstorming, which will pay dividends through a wider range of ideas. Additionally, these Feminine Energy actions will leave people feeling that you are more genial.

Nobody wants to follow a likeable leader who can’t deliver results, and nobody wants to follow a repulsive, but competent, leader either. Remember that both attributes are teamed together. Take time to display both Masculine and Feminine Energy, paying special attention to using Feminine Energy to guide your interactions. That will increase your likeability regardless of your age and you’ll become a leadership magnet.

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These leaders, enhance their financial skills and logical problem solving while employees say they are more motivated by a leader with high EQ. They want someone who spends time asking questions to better understand them and demonstrates empathy.

The root of EQ is self-awareness: it’s how we manage our emotions; how we react to the emotions of others; how we maneuver social situations and how we make personal decisions to achieve our desired results.

When preparing a company for the market, a CEO would never skip over the intangible Goodwill value from brand recognition so why do they dismiss the intangible results from EQ? Maybe these CEOs are too much in their Masculine Energy and focused on tangible results? Or maybe they refuse to recognize a personal shortcoming?

I worked with a CEO like that once- his EQ deficiency resulted in him alienating one individual after another. As senior executives in the company, we used to joke amongst ourselves that “if our CEO hasn’t pissed them off, it could only be because he hasn’t met them yet!” Consequently, we were always cleaning up after his encounters.

Unfortunately, he didn’t see his inability to identify with others’ feelings and emotions as a shortcoming. Instead, he viewed himself as someone who was totally rational, skilled at itemizing and weighing the pros and cons of every choice. What he didn’t see in himself was the overall lack of respect he demonstrated toward others when their opinions and judgments didn’t align with his. His EQ deficiency meant that he spent a lot of time operating within the vice of disdain, which seriously harmed his relationships.

It’s time for leaders to recognize the real value of EQ on their balance sheet and cultivate this key leadership skill. It will make them more successful and better able to transform their organizations.

EQ is also set to become more important. As artificial intelligence and machine learning transform how businesses operate, people will need to focus more on uniquely human skills like empathy and awareness. So not only is emotional intelligence a competitive advantage for the businesses of today, it’s also a necessity for the businesses of tomorrow.

Despite this, things are moving in the wrong direction. The higher up the ranks you go inside a company, the lower the EQ scores (measures of emotional intelligence) drop. A study of 1 million people by TalentSmart found that CEOs, on average, have the lowest EQ scores in the workplace.

To understand why, we can look at two helpful examples: poor people and the former US President, Obama.

Research shows that as people’s wealth increases, their compassion and empathy go down. Poor people are more likely to be generous with money and to stop for pedestrians in the street. They may depend more on interpersonal relationships, and therefore be more attuned to them.

This same idea applies with power in the workplace. As people work their way up to the highest ranks, they lose touch with the daily challenges and aspirations of people at lowest ranks. They start to see people in large groups, rather than as individuals. And they treat people as problems to solve, rather than fellow human beings to relate to. This helps explain why research finds power reduces concern for others.

There’s also the matter of time. As leaders take on big efforts to guide an entire enterprise, they rarely pause to connect with many others on an emotional level. As President Obama said after his first year in office, “(W)e were so busy just getting stuff done and dealing with the immediate crises that were in front of us that I think we lost some of that sense of speaking directly to the American people about what their core values are and why we have to make sure those institutions are matching up with those values.”

For business leaders, these conversations need to take place frequently, and in both directions — with leaders listening as much or more than they are speaking.

Here are some of the ways leaders can build up their emotional intelligence:

Share power. Be unafraid to let your reports take on projects and leadership. Don’t “helicopter parent” them. Giving them room to succeed builds trust and confidence and allows for much greater emotional connection.

See everyone as equal. Having different levels of responsibility in the workplace does not remove the inherent equality we all have as human beings. As top executives make decisions that can dramatically change people’s lives and ability to support their families, it’s easy to lose this sense of equality. Executives need frequent reminders that when it comes to one-on-one interactions, they should treat people with equal concern and emotional awareness.

Be conscious of unspoken communication. Leaders need to notice body language and facial expressions. Go into meetings with a specific plan to observe how people are sitting, standing, etc. Try to conclude what they’re thinking. After the meeting, feel free to bring up one-on-one any questions you may have about what they were thinking and feeling. For example, say, “I got the impression that you may not be fully on board with this idea. Is that the case? What might we do to help get you on board?”

Encourage people to question you. Some leaders don’t like to be questioned. But if they reject or put down people for doing so, they’re missing out. Many people ask questions simply to understand. Or they may want to offer ideas. Always welcome this, and have the confidence to encourage it.

Fortunately, anyone can increase emotional intelligence. It can be learned. By making EQ a priority, that intangible will deliver tangible results. Though it takes time and effort, the more valuable leadership balance sheet is worth it.

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